Pretty Little Episode #105

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the hotel hot tub for proper dip before I get in for a dip? Oh no! I'm only halfway submerged and it's not what I was hoping for. Guess I'm really going to have to hunch to make this work. Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate First for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. HandsomePod. Chatting to friends on the HandsomePod. Pretty Little Episode. Welcome to a Pretty Little Episode of the HandsomePod. I'm one of your hosts, Mae Martin. Joined? You sure are, Mae Martin, and I am Tig Notaro. Mae, how are you? I'm certainly here and well. I see you're in camo. Oh, yeah. I don't know if I've seen you in camo before. I rarely see myself in camo because I'm so camouflaged. I love camo, I have to tell you. I thought that when I put it on, actually. No, you didn't. I did. You're not telling truthful things. I seriously, I think even when I ordered this, it's like a vintage shirt. I think I maybe was like, I'd seen you wearing camo or something. Wow, look at that. Yeah, I do. Not to suck up or slowly assume your identity. Well, it is surprising, I'm sure, to know that I like camo and flannel. Well, you're always hunting. I am. You want the game. Hunting for more camo and flannel. Yeah. Yeah. You're looking well? You're wearing this sort of. I'm looking well, but let's be honest. My eye is basically closed right now. Is it not? It's taken a little nap. Yeah. It's almost calling it a day. Is that just from being tired? It gets. Yeah, yeah. When I get really tired or I guess, which makes sense if it's really late at night, which it's not, it's seven o'clock, but I have been traveling. I was on a. I was on a different time zone. And also, I don't sleep well when I'm not home. Yes. So, I don't know. But also, I'm 55. I don't know. My eye's closing, Mae. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think you should embrace it. I think it's cool. It's pretty Popeye of me, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So, can you not sleep in Colorado? I mean, here and there. But no, I really have to be home. And I have to be home. And you have to be in bed with Stephanie for a very good night of sleep. Yeah. I. Yeah. Now that I'm heavily involved again, now I'm the same where I can't sleep without parv. I can't sleep very well. And it's really annoying because she lives in Venice. And so, how. Like, what is bad sleep for you? Is it like a couple hours or is it a lot of interruptions or walk me through boring. Aging information? It's just the. Yeah, sleep hygiene 101. It's just I can't fall asleep and I. My mind's racing and then I'll get up and then maybe I'll sleep for a few hours and then I have to pee and then I'm awake again for a while. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. And you just wake up and you're. Yeah. You feel like you've been busy all night. You know what I was told not to do? And maybe I've already talked about this, but who cares? Here it comes again. I have been told not to look at my phone. Yeah. Or my watch. Did we talk about this? Oh, because you got an Apple Watch. Well, yeah. But when you wake up in the night, don't look at the clock. Oh, don't look at the time. Yeah. Because you'll start, like, counting the hours. You'll start thinking about it. You'll start counting, crunching numbers. Yeah. Just tell yourself, you know what? I can go back to sleep. Yeah. Who knows if it's five minutes till the alarm goes off or five hours. But don't look. Do you ever. Do you ever do, like. Like visualizations and stuff? Like, I have my thing where I pretend I got in a plane crash. I think I've talked. Well, of course, you act like I know this. What do you mean? I'm sure I've talked about this. I pretend. No. I pretend I was in a small plane, like the kind Harrison Ford would fly, and it crashed in Alaska in the snow. Doesn't he always crash? Always. He loves to crash. Yeah. So interesting. It's his thing. And then I imagine, like, climbing out of the wreckage, and I'm kind of a little injured, and then I go through the snow, and then I get to the. To this log cabin, and it's, like, a fire's burning, and. You have not told me that. Why would you get to a log cabin where the fire's burning? Isn't your plane on fire? That's true. Yeah. I've got to. I'm trying to find shelter or. Uh-huh. Okay. Or a sanctuary. Yeah. And then. But I can't, like, I can't just imagine the cozy log cabin and crawling into bed. I have to go through the plane crash first. So it's. And that puts you to sleep. Yeah. Yeah. Once I get to the. Sometimes when I get to the log cabin. And I'm all tucked up. I guess. I guess it's just the same concept of, like, you just go through different steps. Because what I do, if I must share this embarrassing thing. You must. I've been told to go through, like, you know, head to toe, your whole body. Yeah. Kind of whatever. And I say goodnight to every part. Stop. And I say goodnight to my hair. Goodnight to your hair? May, hear me out. Then I say goodnight to my scalp. I say goodnight to my forehead. I say goodnight to my ears. I say goodnight to my eyebrows. I have never made it past that. No way. I mean, even as you were doing that, I was feeling myself drawing my awareness to those parts. And then, like. Yeah. And you know what? Probably our listeners fell asleep, too. Because, frankly, it's pretty boring. Frankly. Yeah. Sleep hygiene. Yeah. This segment. You know, Debbie. Debbie would be thrilled to hear you're saying goodnight to your hair, though. Yes, she would. She'd be like, oh, nobody says goodnight to those poor souls. They are poor souls. Yeah. Not as poor as my eyeballs, soul. How are you, May? I'm well, I think. I've been. I'm well. What have I been up to? I went to Disney with three small children. Actually, four small children. I went with my friend. I went with my friend, Nicole, who's like my oldest, like from when we were 13. Okay. She's the one that was sent to a rehab facility in the States and wayward. Yeah. Yeah. So, she's got these two little kids and we went to Disney and they'd never been. I don't think they'd left Canada before, really. Wow. So, they are four and six. And, oh, my Lord, that's a good age for Disney. It was beyond exhausting, but they were impeccably behaved. Nice. The little one, Maggie, she's four. She. I kept hearing her whispering, like we went on Jungle Cruise and, you know, it's just animatronic animals. And every time we'd go buy one, I heard her whispering, it's real. It's real. And then, like, we went on Peter Pan, she's like, it's real. We're flying. She really was immersed. Oh, my God. That's so cute. What's crazy is we're going to Disney this weekend. No way. Yes. Yes. So, I'm doing a corporate gig for Disney and then we're just going to put. A party in Anaheim. How many. Have they been before? I think I've talked about this and I wish you'd pay attention, Mary. We're just recapping, both of us. Yes. No, we took Max and Finn for their fifth birthday. And you went on Space Mountain. Well, not just that. When we got there, we realized we had never shown them anything Disney related. Oh, my God. When the mouse comes up, they were just like, who is this? What's happening? They're like, who are these princesses? Exactly. What monarchy is this? Yeah. That's really good. Are you going to stay until the night and see parades and stuff? I hope not. I didn't do that. I hit a wall and then I. Basically, I booked it for everyone and my thinking was, I'll escape at some point. So, around 4 p.m., I started really flagging. But I did a thing where in the morning I said, guys, just so you know, you can win stars by being. Cooperative, helpful, kind. You can win stars. And at the end of the day, whoever has the most stars, I'm going to buy them a toy. And I knew I was going to buy them all toys. Yeah. But it worked all day. They're like, how many stars do I have at this point? And really keeping tabs on the numbers. That's amazing. Then I had to leave. So, I didn't get them. And then I texted one of their parents and was like, can you buy them all toys? Yeah. That's classic May for you right there. Yeah. Set it up and then bounce. Yeah. You know, I do want to go back when you were saying about your plane crash to put you to sleep. Yeah. This is really wild what I'm about to tell you. Tell me. And I was going to tell you when you started talking about this. And then I thought, I remember it. And I didn't. But going back. Yeah. My cousin, her son was just. in a plane crash. Yes, indeed. What? Yes, indeed. It was a private jet. He was with his friend and his friend's dad. And when my cousin told me that her son was in a plane crash, I thought it was going to be like the plane bounced on like the runway and then the wing kind of hit the. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like a landing or takeoff. No, no. They were going from Cabo to Austin. They had to emergency land on a freeway. I believe it was in Lubbock. The plane flipped upside down. Yes. Crashes, slides, the back half of the plane falls off of the overpass. Oh, my. It's in flames. My cousin's son and his friend get out and his friend's dad dies. Oh, my God. This was wild. While I was in Colorado. Holy shit. Yes. Yes. Intense. And my poor cousin, my family, everybody is like having that kind. I mean, I know I really took a crazy turn here sharing that story. That's insane because it's one of those things that they tell you is so rare and will never happen. Right. Except for small planes. And I don't know how small this jet was, but it was private. His friend's dad was a huge, huge. He was a huge, huge, like, tech CEO. Right. And, yeah. Anyway. Who was flying? Was the pilot also? Only his friend's dad died. Wow. Holy shit. But, like, people were trying to. You can see it online. There's footage of the wreck. God. But, anyway. That's, I mean, where do you even start to get over that kind of trauma? I know. You've got to start. Luckily, we know these days a bit more about Trump. Like, I would start right away EMDR. For sure. I mean, not just him, but my cousin, my family. Like, the loop they're in of, like, if he had not gotten out. Is he injured? Not that I know of. Wow. I, you know, I'm embarrassed to say. I didn't even ask that. No, I mean, I'm sure they would have said if it was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There wasn't. It doesn't seem like there was anything of note. I've made up in my mind that his friend's dad was not buckled in his seatbelt. That's helpful to be like, there's a concrete reason. Yeah. Because, oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. No small planes. No. No private jet. Should we get to questions? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. Really, really wild, intense stuff. Not checking what type of fruit I cut up before packing snacks for my son's soccer game. I was very sleepy this morning and mixed things up, and now a bunch of kids are trying to eat lemon slices at halftime. Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate First for an auto quote. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Hi, Fortune, May, and Tig. I said that in alphabetical order so as not to offend anybody. My name is Elizabeth, and in your episode with my favorite cisgender white male comedian, Tant Oswalt, you said that you had hoped for a question from a newscaster in Omaha. But I hope you're okay with a question from an oncology nurse in Omaha. And my question is, do you have a recurring dream? And if so, do you have a recurring dream? What do you think it means? Oh, interesting. Elizabeth, do you have any memory of us asking for a question from a newscaster in Omaha? I don't have any memory of anything. Yeah, same. Yeah, but it's tough being out in the world when people remember things, and we don't. An oncology nurse, wow. Yeah, I don't think, first of all, thank you for your service. Second of all, I don't really. When I was little, I had a recurring dream, and I think it was from watching or reading, I guess probably reading or being read to Alice in Wonderland, because I had a recurring dream where I would walk towards a house, and I was the same size as the house, but as I got closer to the door, I fit in and walked into the house. Oh, whoa, that's cool. But nothing shifted. I couldn't figure out what was happening. So, I would have that dream a bunch when I was under five years old. Was there anything in the house, or was more about the- No, it was more just like, I'm heading towards the door, I'm heading towards the door. Oh, and by the way, go to Hulu. You're not going to want to miss what I'm doing right now. Am I right, Meg? Oh, this is incredible. Yeah. Yeah, go to Hulu. I'm headed towards the house, the door, and then I fit in. Yeah, well, that seems directly Alice in Wonderland, for sure. Mm-hmm. Yeah. My recurring dream is that my grandmother- Also, I think it means nothing. She asked if we thought it meant anything. Yeah, yeah. I mean, well, you're having to shrink yourself to be yourself at home. Ow. Sorry, Tig, but- So, you don't think I was just trying to sort out- The Alice in Wonderland moment? Yeah. Yeah, just like space and crunching numbers. No? Yeah, probably it was just that. I had to shrink myself. Okay, whatever it is. Currently, the thing that comes up the most is that my grandma has faked her own death, and I find that out. This is my grandma who I was close to, the British one. I find out that she's faked her own death, and so I'm calling her, trying to get a hold of her, and I'm like- I usually go and see her, and she's like, where have you been? I'm like, I thought you were dead, and she's like, nobody called me. And I'm like, but you faked your own death, and she's like, it's guilt, and I should have been more involved, and yeah, often she's like, can't walk properly, and I'm carrying her around. Oh my goodness. Yeah, or she's in some weird apartment hoarding, and yeah. And then people are like, hey, if you dream about a loved one, that's them. I'm sending you a message, and I do not like that idea, because every time it's very- It's a terrible message. Yeah, it's like, hey, I'm still here. I'm alive, and you should be looking after me, so I don't know. What does that mean? I don't know. You have to shrink yourself to live in your house. I think it means I have to shrink myself to feel comfortable at home. I think it's a sort of savior complex martyrdom-like thing. Family, family shame. Yeah. Should we go to our next question? Yeah, well, let's hear Elizabeth's answer. Oh, oh, that's what I mean. Should we see what Elizabeth has to say? Yeah. My recurring dream is that I'm either in my high school musical, high school show choir, or community theater play, and I'm either late to rehearsal, forgot about rehearsal, missed my cue, all sorts of things like that, and I think what it means is that I really need to get back. I need to get back into doing musicals again, and not just when I'm singing around my house to myself, but I think I'm going to have to wait to do that until my kids are a little bit older. Keep it handsome. I like that. Yeah, I'd love, once you get back into it, Elizabeth, send us some footage of the big night. Oh, please. I hope it's all, maybe all the oncology nurses can write an original musical or put one on. I don't think that's going to happen, mate. Why? Too busy? No, I just didn't get the feeling from the message that it was something she was doing with her oncology floor. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe she could put one on with her kids, get them involved. I think that's easier than to loop in a bunch of adult. Stressed out adult nurses who may or may not have any interest. Yeah. Yeah. That are dealing with cancer. Mm-hmm. I mean, if, listen, Elizabeth, if you can pull that together, then seriously get that to us. Yeah. Yeah. Because that is a USP that I'm into. Mm-hmm. What's USP? I don't know. Unique selling point. Oh, yes. USP. Yeah, yeah. All right. Thank you, Elizabeth. And what else do we have? Hey, May, Tig, and Fortune. And Fortune, I'm coming to see you in Portland, Oregon this upcoming. Coming September. This is Sonia calling from Portland, Oregon, and I have a rather silly question for you guys. Mm-hmm. If you could be any fruit, what fruit would you be? Hmm. Okay. Sonia, excellent question. I don't know why that seemed to really stress us both out. We both fell very quiet and pensive. I immediately went to a kiwi. Wow. Nature's testicle. May, why are you. you trying to ruin my life as a kiwi well i think because you picked the most unattractive fruit it's fuzzy and brown but it's so delicious a golden kiwi have we talked about this never had one i think i'm allergic but that's my own diagnosis yeah okay well what's a golden kiwi they're yellow inside rather than green um green is like right now it's hurting my mouth talking about it and i'm salivating same not in a good way the green ones are they're too much for me i loved them as a kid as i got older can't do it golden kiwi get out of my way it is just perfection and um yeah and so i don't know i guess i'm thinking if it's cold i'm i'm inside i have a little bit of um fur blowing in the wind and uh if i get hungry i can just eat myself because i am a gold golden kiwi i love that's a pretty good slogan for golden kiwis yeah um okay oh man i i just don't want to be something that ripens too fast like a banana to me is you're you're not long for the world that you're there's no nothing solid there i want i'd be a stone fruit what fruit is long for the world well an longer than a banana like a i like an avocado that's a fruit right those ripen and are out the door when you blink i know you're right but it has a at least it has a stone inside um maybe i i mean i think plums are probably the sexiest of the fruits uh but i'm gonna go avocado okay yeah because i used to read this kid's book called avocado baby when i was a kid about a baby that eats avocados and it gets so strong anyway oh sonia what would you be my answer um i would probably be a uh dragon fruit because i look a little wild and crazy on the outside but on the inside i'm actually rather um sweet and mellow and some people are surprised by that thanks a lot for all you guys do you are the best you make my morning all the time and i love listening to you see you soon fortune well thanks for listening to us hearing that makes our morning and our afternoon and our evening good night you've said good night about three times in this one goodbye i'm ticked and goodbye um it's funny how you hear a voice and you're like oh my god what's wrong with me i'm like oh my god what's wrong with me i'm like oh my god what's wrong with me i'm like oh my god what's wrong with me i'm like oh my god what's wrong with me i'm now i'm picturing like albert einstein like crazy hair and sonia will you send in is it sonia or sonia i think it was sonia sonia okay sonia i've known both sonias and sonias i only i went to a psychic called psychic sonia oh okay psychic sonia yeah okay and she wasn't she wasn't no no we should set up put this on the list a uh a psychic like we should rent a space like where it's like 24 hours psychic and we each take turns and we just do our best oh and we are the psychic yes yes oh my god yes sir for the general public uh anybody that will come in and pay us 20 bones that's great i mean how much does it normally cost dude on the on the strip there you go in it's like 40 bucks for a reading then they're saying oh you are in trouble i got if you want me to clear this it's 400 for a package and okay we'll do that too we'll clear things yeah we'll clear things and we'll sell packages yeah um i'd like to see a psychic with the three of us like i mean if we can get fortune to get us in with tyler henry the the psychic medium he just posted a video where he's sitting on a chair and you know fortune had the reading on on his phone and he's like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so on his tv show and it was really accurate he talked about her her uncles and everything so he just sounds familiar he posted a video and he's sitting on a chair in the kitchen and he's doing some paranormal experiment wait is he the one that scribbles on a notepad okay okay and all of a sudden his whole stool moves with him on it goes and i just look at that and then keep scrolling go about my day but then i'm like wait was he can't is he just faking like or did i just see a stool with a man move you know what you could do what go back to his page and look but how i won't get any clarity i mean it looks maybe write him and say hey was that real or fake yeah yeah and what if he's like yeah i haven't told anyone this but it's all fake yeah i'd like to see him though okay well well that was a pleasure as usual lovely to see you tig lovely to see you too kid please keep submitting your questions and if you need any advice on anything um we want to give it to you go to speakpipe.com handsome pod um i i'm at largo tomorrow night on august 22nd in la but other than that i'm just kicking around writing what about you i'm just touring around you know and uh tignotaro.com is where you can hear or find all of my tour dates um i i think we should wrap it up right here what do you say let's do it yeah until next time keep it pretty handsome handsome is hosted by me fortune feimster tignotaro and may martin the show is produced recorded and edited by thomas roulette email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsome pod what a podcast what a podcast what a podcast that was a hate gum podcast checking all state first could save you hundreds on car insurance not checking that my mom's luggage is in good working order before flying her out on a trip big mistake now instead of seeing the sites we're shopping for a new roller bag yeah checking first is handsome so check all state first for an auto quote it could save you hundreds you're in good hands with all state potential savings vary subject to terms conditions and availability all state north american insurance companies are in good hands with Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.