107: Preheat the Oven with Daniel Sloss | Soder Podcast | EP 105

November 13th, Iowa City, Iowa, the Englert Theater. I hope I'm saying that right. Englert, you guys threw a tough one. But Iowa City, I'm bringing a fun show. Me and three other comics gonna come by and do a great show as part of the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. Minneapolis, I'm gonna be at the Pantages Theater, the Pantages, I don't know, dude. I am publicly educated and pretty stupid. I know people are so mad at me and you're coming through with that Midwestern, like, just learn the damn theater if you're gonna play it. I'm sorry, Minneapolis. Madison, Wisconsin, November 15th, the Barrymore Theater as part of the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. I love coming to Madison, Wisconsin. I'm very excited to do the Barrymore Theater. Kansas City, Missouri, the Uptown Theater. We're gonna be there November 21st. November 21st, coming to bring you a show at the Uptown Theater. Go to DanSoder.com to get tickets right now. And we'll see you then, KC. And yes, I forgive you for beating the 49ers in the Super Bowl. It still hurts, but good job. Congratulations. People glaze over DVR being so important for, like, a lot of forms of entertainment. Yeah. Because if you missed it and no one taped it, you were just, like, fucked. Yeah. I remember this girl that I knew used to tape. I worked Wednesday nights, like, graveyard shift overnight. And she would tape South Park for me. Great. And I would, she would leave it on her mailbox and I'd go pick up a tape after work and, like, put it in my thing and watch South Park and be like, all right, that's the new episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, it, you know what it did? It made you enjoy shows more because you had to put in effort. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if the cable was ever fucking out, like, I used to get, like, I mean, back in the fucking 90s, it was all about friends. Yeah. So it was, like, every Thursday night at 9 p.m., if you missed that fucking episode, going into school the next day. You're fucked. It was socked shit. It was awful. It was social capital. Yes, 100%. Do you remember when kids, do you remember the first time you caught a kid lying about seeing a movie by just describing stuff that was in the trailer? No. Did you ever have that moment? No. I remember that moment where, like, you know, we're boys, we're, like, seventh graders, we're, you know, we're, like, around 12 years old and you want to see the rated R movies, you want to see the bad horror movies. Yeah, but you might not have a cool parent. Yeah. Or just a good parent. parent you might have a good parent that's like i'm not letting you watch that you're 12 years old i think no i think taking your i think it's true freedom to go like my dad used to sneak me into like 15s and 18s when i was 12 and that's a good that's a dad role yeah the mom is the police and the dad is the one that's like my dad no my parents were divorced but i would go visit my dad It was all my fault. I was fucking my mom. It was edible. I tried to kill my father. Of course it's my fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in my blood. Freud was right. Yeah, dude, I have to bring up a joke. I don't know if you ever put it out, but Colin Quinn had this joke about back in the day when they'd watch plays, it would be about people, and he was like, Oedipus is walking up going, hey, was that thing about me? I don't want to fuck my mom and kill my father. But my dad, when I would visit him, it was like 17, it was the rated R's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blast Boy Scout, like Alt Predator, like all the ones that I shouldn't be watching. Yeah. But that was like. But it made you, being allowed to watch shit that you weren't allowed to watch made you so fucking cool. My mom bought me the South Park game when I was like 12 years old, or maybe even younger, and I was like, you've given me so much credit in school. See, what's funny is, oh my God, a South Park game when you're young. Oh, people come around to your house, play it on your fucking PlayStation, and you're like, yeah, I got it, yeah. Oh, this is. Yeah, did your cousin like rip that? Or like, no, my mom bought it because I lied to her what it was about. I'm old enough that South Park timed out right, it came out when I was like old enough where I needed Dirty or Simpsons. It's like when you're an alcoholic and you start drinking and you go, I need something harder. Yeah, whiskey. South Park was like, we got some single barrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm from Colorado, so it was like, it was like. It was like on the nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were like, these are all references that are built and you just love it. But yeah, I remember my friend Adam's mom, we were watching South Park in his basement. Yeah. And they're Jewish. And she came downstairs and Cartman's like, shut up, you Jew. And she was like, what is this show? What is this show? And like immediately she was like, this isn't funny, what is this show? And then you're like, you are Kyle's mom. Yeah, you go, you go, Miss Broflovsky, please. Mrs. Broflovsky. Just rain it in for a second. Yeah, but I was, I was in full butters mode back then. So I was just in my head like, I was full on butters until I got older. But yeah, man, you're right. Like the showing of adult stuff, you know what that's important for? Curation. Like your parents, that's like one of the greatest things you get to do is you get to curate your kid's taste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By going like, hey, listen to this. Well, it's also like trying to like, you know, your kids come out the way, they are, their personality is like fully in there. It's just so discovering. But it is like a test, I think, to be like, I love this thing. I'm going to share it with my kid. And see how they react. Hopefully they love it. You know, that's a pro wrestling thing is like a lot of times dads that grew up loving wrestling will show their kids it. Then they're like young, so they're into it. Then it's a whole different experience where you go, now I'm enjoying it. I remember my parents not listening to cool music as far as in the 90s. My mom was listening to cool music. I was listening to like Steve Wynwood and like Bonnie Raitt and like stuff that when I was like a teenager, I was like, this shit's corny. And now I'm in my 40s and I'm like, oh, my parents raised me on this. I'm like, oh, this Steve Wynwood is just singing to me. And it feels, and I think that's also a thing where you don't appreciate as a kid sometimes what your parents are showing you. Well, also like anything that your parents like is just inherently like uncool. The thing that like gives me, the good thing that gives me great fucking solace is like there's a class. There's a clip of Dave Grohl talking about like how lame his daughter finds him. Yeah. And I'm like, if Dave Grohl's kid thinks he's a fucking loser, I'm fucked. There is that. Like the guy played with fucking Kurt Cobain and his daughter's like gay. I don't want to hear about Uncle Kurt. I'm like, oh, well, fuck all my dreams. I'll just never try to be cool. He's like, I don't want to hear about Uncle Kurt again. Yeah, yeah. I don't care. You know, I found his body. His brains were on the wall. Dad, that's not true. I've seen the interviews. You start thinking, well, you know, what would be worse is like if one of his kids was like a conspiracy kid and they go, how do you pull the trigger of a shotgun? And you're out ahead and he goes, I don't, this is what I don't need. What was the name of the, yeah, yeah. It'd be mental if your dog growing up being like a Courtney Love Jedget staff. Yeah, she goes. I don't like when Courtney comes around. She costs you money. Yeah, and you go, why are you so focused on that? Yeah, but you know what it is? It's like everyone that, if you have a kid, they're going to think you're lame. Yes. And that's why I always think people that try to follow their father's profession, like when they try to follow him in, that's dangerous because you should think it's lame. Absolutely. Like if my son, I will consider myself a massive failure of a parent if my son becomes a standup comedian. Yes. Because you become a standup for two reasons. Emotional trauma. Yeah. Or like attention. Like you just, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oftentimes it's a cocktail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you go, I need a little emotional damage and then toss in a little dash of insecurity. And incapable of loving yourself. So you need to get the validation from strangers. Pop it with a little annoying. Yes. And also a fair bit of, I think I'm better than people. Even though I hate myself. Even though. Which is such a weird combo. What a weird way to put me at the top when I despise that. Yeah. Your enemy at the top of the list. Yeah. But you're, I would think like, I'm obviously the reason, one of the reasons I'm a comic is I'm insecure. And I think if my kid followed me into my profession, I'd go, you think you fucking. Yeah, I fucking raised you with self-love. Also, like if my son does stand up, it'll be like, I'm like, did you, is this the only way to get my attention? Yeah. Do you feel like, did I, did it feel like I prioritized stand up too much ahead of you? Yeah. And like the only, one of my friends is a comedian and his dad is a comedian. And I'm like. What's that family dinner like when you have a good bit? When you come up with something, you go, who gets it? Oh, very different. Like Mark Steele is a very like, he's been fucking left wing UK since like the seventies, eighties, all time. He's a very alternate call mate. Very political, very smart, very like wordy and verbose. And his son Elliot is a great comedian. Thick as shit. Like the one of the dumbest. That's the way you got to go. That's the only way it works. One, I love him dearly. He's one of my best friends. One of the dumbest cunts ever. Oh, that's the only one. Sorry, I realized thick over here means like fat ass. Oh, he's a big fat fuck. Sorry. No, I know. He's dumb. Thick means dumb. Yeah. He's beautiful boy who I love dearly. Dumb, as dumb as the day is long. You know, what's funny is a bit that I had, I'm just remembering an apartment bit that I had with Sean Patton when I was doing Fringe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they call everyone thick, we were doing wiggers in Scotland and Scottish people don't understand what I'm saying. It was like, yo, I'll be fucking this girl. She thick as fuck. And they're like, you're fucking her and she's thick. And you go, fucking the shit out of her. Girl, like thick as hell. That was a good thing we kept doing. We would walk home at night. We'd be like, yo, I'm telling you that girl is thick as hell. And then Scottish people would be like, she's dumb? Are you fucking a mentally handicapped woman? I don't think that's legal. like yo i'll be pounding out that thick bitch but you're right that's the only way to go when your dad is a smart political comic is go like ribs are cool yeah you gotta become bro way you gotta be like all right but it makes sense yeah because it's that's like um the thing i'm obsessed about in america with that or mafia sons i've talked about this before but i'm obsessed with the idea of like your dad is tony soprano that's why aj was the perfect character yeah because he didn't try to become chris was his you know yeah but you see like dotties or whatever like his son tried to be like him and you're like that's just it's too impossible because someone like a mobster it's worse than a comic we fought through our emotional issues those guys like killed people and like did a lot of dirt also do you really you don't want your kid ending up with something where like if you've lost most of your friends you to it yeah like you're not gonna be like this is the dream i have for my daughter yeah i want her to wake up next to her husband's head yeah yeah that's why that's why she'll know she's made it as a mobster she'll be like dad i'm so excited they whacked my husband daddy the car blew up and he goes i told you i fucking knew it it was those stupid colombians it's like immediately you know yeah you just like can't if your kid comes to you and you're like oh my god i'm so excited i'm so excited i'm so excited i'm so excited do you think that would be harder for your son to tell you he's a comedian or that he's gay oh yeah he would have no problem telling me he was gay yeah like yeah there's like people there's like gay guys in the midwest that were like oh i wish i followed my dad into business then they would just care that i wouldn't care that i'm gay no i'd be fine i'd be fine with a i'd be fine with a gay kid i'd be i've got some weird lines i don't understand yeah left-handed i'm killing him as a left-handed guy oh we need less of us i just i you'll never convince me it's not for attention pulling out pulling and signing something with your left hand in front of people oh you feel so dumb yeah do you get free parking for that yeah they go oh and you go i know how to rock and smudge it like i need a big crayon when i'm signing my name and they go wow and i do everything with uh like athletically with my right hand oh yeah right with my left hand and i don't work off with both oh big cock it's one huh it's more of a magic it's like that mashed potato and then i do the thing like with the bat at the end of my hands are on top one finger yeah no we're not we're not working with a lot of real estate so it's but uh it was my mom is purely left-handed my dad was purely left-handed and i'm like oh so it's so so we in theory we could breed your people out yeah what happens if a lefty fucks a righty i don't know i don't know that's like a genuinely good medical question that's my level of stupidity where i go that's like that should be in scientific weekly this is sloss comes on and he's just kicking science at me in a way that i couldn't handle yeah i don't know if it's bred out like if it's like blonde hair yeah like a couple brunettes and you're fucked yeah yeah because it is you know with with the hate that redheads get i mean not so every couple years yeah well it's because redheaded women are gorgeous yeah it's the and this isn't i've said this before and i got a lot of shit from a lot of very ugly ginger men yeah there are some handsome ginger men out there it's just it's it's harder it's easier for a ginger woman to be beautiful let me put this in the nicest way it's a harder outfit for a man to pull off yes it's a lot of um it's it's too much vein work in the temple's forearms also like a woman with like pale skin yeah it's a lot of um it's it's too much vein work in the temple's forearms also like a woman with like pale skin there's something like oh she's been locked away she's been a maiden look yeah yeah maybe even a siren yes yeah yeah the long like when i watch florence and florence in the machine i'm like oh this this red-haired siren sings to me and of course she has a beautiful voice that makes sense like a fair-skinned like and i say this as the pastiest fucking white guy in the world but we look like basement dwellers yeah we look like basement dwellers when gingers burn it's cruel yeah yeah it's not like it's to get them used to hell that's why that's why they sunburn so god's just helping them practice we're just preheating the oven here guys just get fucking ready for it and you know what's funny about that is my mom is uh irish descent so she has freckles but she was blonde she was like strawberry blonde so just to step away she's a day walker yeah but the way it sounds like historically her ancestors got uh sexually pillaged by vikings like yes any which leads me to my father's side which were the pillaging raping vikings coming from sweden and what's weird is they're nordic like my dad's family was all swedish and you would think that they would burn but they get tan yeah they go like the burn turns into a tan and thank god that's the skin that i got but they get like scandinavia gets really beautiful actual summers and stuff it's crazy scotland and ireland it's you've if you've done the french you know what it's fucking like it's just mist yeah it's just hot mist you don't have the btus in your air conditioning to make it you don't have the btus in your air conditioning to make it you don't have no we don't enjoyable we don't have it we don't have aircon because we've never fucking needed aircon and now what baby oh boy planet's heating up i was i was in london on the hottest day in history of london and i was like muttering to myself walking around like a crazy person like this is what why you need air conditioning yeah yeah yeah i think we'll have to because one of the biggest things i fucking hate about spain is like if you stay in any hotel or any airbnb in fucking spain the cats don't have aircon it's like no wonder your culture is surrounded it's centered around naps yeah right do you understand the body shutting down it's not resting fucking you don't even you don't even have to invent aircon it's been invented steal it from portugal you lazy fucks like and i will say that why are you having dinner at 10 fucking p.m you got a nap at 12 you fucking idiot i try to as a day napper i love their culture oh but that's more because of my pot use but i when i was in when i was doing fringe i would say the only thing that i did was i would say the only thing that i did was i would say the only thing that when did you do it what year 2019 it was me i lived with uh sean patton caitlyn cook and jeffrey baldinger and i was at uh the the medical school oh uh fucking um it was haunted as hell yeah all of scotland's on it was crazy yeah yeah and i love the scottish attitude towards ghost which are the new yorkers attitude towards public violence which is like yeah yeah it's like when you move to new york and you see public violence people go i don't know i got i gotta go somewhere move around it so i i i scotland does that with ghosts where they go yeah you probably got something thrown at you so i uh i don't believe in ghosts i'm a big like as far as like uh you know souls the afterlife and anything fucking like that i do not believe it right but i love the history of edinburgh because it's so fucked up it's like thousands of years of just like um crazy shit yeah man they when the black plague started the reason edinburgh's on two levels is because all the people in the lower parts were getting sick because they were getting sick that's where shit and piss runs down yeah oh my shit runs downhill yeah but they just thought it was like oh well fucking poor people are gross so of course they die and when and when it started spreading they started like just bricking people into their homes to just be like this is the only way we can think to be there's no way i could be bricking a guy into his house and while i'm putting it down i'm not like i'm sorry putting the brick and then smoothing it and making sure it's like because i like care about my work so i go like yeah it's good and then doing another one like sorry just the saddest slowest game of tetris with no blocks just like oh but you get excited when you find the shade you go oh oh that's gonna bring that tetris technically they got a tetris they get the guy in there's just like there's one little fidget i obviously this is the worst thing that could happen to me there's an l-shaped one just back there that's all history is is just a bloody painting and land is just a canvas with like like america was just like the puritans going we got a brand new canvas we can paint a bloody fucking beautiful painting do you believe in ghosts uh to an extent i don't believe in them i don't think they're i think it's like the echo of a soul right i think we don't know what life is yeah that's what i think yeah i think that we're too stupid to understand what this really is out and i think the important part is like stay in the moment yeah that's what the whole point of life is that's like the buddhist look at being present in the moment it makes the most sense so all ghosts are people who didn't meditate i'm saying like just like they if they were present in the 1300s they wouldn't fucking be here now i'm just saying maybe fucking maybe look at the bricks getting laid outside your door so you're not going to be haunting my hilton there's no trying to jerk off in the shower there's but in your there's no buddhist ghosts then no monasteries have to be the least haunted places whatever form of weird religious racism this is i don't think there's asian i just feel like no asian ghosts asians can't be haunted asian ghosts asians can't be haunted asian ghosts because i said it here first they're yellow not white they'll never be white not even in the afterlife i see you like two years ago what happened i go well i'm working at cbs that clip went viral in probably the worst way and uh honestly you know mom donnie did change things and it got me fired no i um i don't know what it is but i just have the feeling of it there's like it's something that we can't see that fucks with us yeah when i was in scotland i was doing that show and i was at the medical school and i would enter through the show room but then summer home what's that was it summer hall maybe i can look it up i have a horrible memory but it was this like lecture hall and there was actually this plaque outside this is what's crazy about scotland when you're not in america and you see how long shit's been around and then you look and you go we're 250 years old we're like 12 year olds drinking wine on vacation in spain and we're like we're adults yeah i was smoking scotland just you're 75 year old drinking whiskey been like it's all gonna be shit you don't know it's gonna fucking but i was just like smoking a joint in this like it was raining and it was like i was in this like coat where there's this plaque and i just start reading this plaque and the plaque is like here is the school where the first two american doctors were trained yeah the first two doctors in philadelphia that came over from edinburgh and were trained at this school yeah and i'm sitting there reading it i'm like what the fuck unfortunately they were doctors in phrenology yeah that's always the shit that's why they went to america if you read their papers it was on the mandingo it wasn't good it was pretty racist what they were studying that's why that's why we sent them to america well like go see what really is going on but they uh but i would walk up it was like i'd walk up this staircase and i would the door was always open yeah and the door was always open in this back like green room office and you'd walk down the stairs to get out of it and every time i would get to a certain level the door would fucking slam not shut like yeah slam and no one was in the room and you're like all right there's no explanation for that that i can think of there's no dust all the windows are closed it's like that door was like someone was like get the fuck out of here stop performing in my bed that's what i thought i'm not gonna lie i think that was my harshest criticism of just a ghost every night it's going enough man i had somebody who doesn't believe in ghosts at all i had a really fucked up one in edinburgh so i was dating an american girl she was over and i was like the ghost tours are great because even if you don't believe in ghosts they're just showing you really historical parts in edinburgh right i grew up in fife and fife okay so it's like a you know 45 minutes okay so outside you but the biggest city is edinburgh okay great yeah so i take this girl on uh to like the fucking the the tour just to get like the history lessons and we go to like this underground bit where it's like the vaults and stuff and it's deep underneath the city and the gothy like tour guide he's like he's very good and he knows what he's doing so he go walks us all in and he starts talking to the ghost he's like i talked to the spirit that's in here because it just means like she fucks with us less and the girl i'm with is like oh my god i'm like you're all fucking idiots all these it's just like an american tourist trap you gullible fucking idiot yeah he's playing you like a fiddle and he walks us down all these walls and man look it's damp it's dark it's it's like it is spooky he gets to one room and he's like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm and he's like this is the most haunted room this is where we think that she died and like in the center of the thing there's like a pentagram and i'm like what the fuck is that he's like because this is the most haunted room in scotland in fact probably in europe we get like a lot of cults will occasionally come here to like do little ceremonies and rent out to make the fucking money and i'm like all right cool and he goes uh also if you want you can if you stand in the middle of that this pentagram really weird shit normally happens i don't recommend you do it but you're like can i just tell you how big of a pussy i am that i'd go now don't the group i was with i'll go hey if anyone steps in that pentagram we're fighting when we get out of this like full on i will go to your scottish prison i'm gonna beat the fuck out of whoever stands in the middle of that pentagram man woman or child your child accidentally runs into the middle of the pentagram it's on site he just stamps in his head fully and he's like it's my dad's voice and he goes damn none of your jokes about me makes sense so my the girl i'm with she's got the same reaction to you because the second he says it's terrifying the second he says if you step in i'm like i'll do it like you're all you're all gullible you just cause every horror film so i step towards it the girl i'm with sort of pulls me back and he's like look a lot of people don't want to be in the room when this happens so if you want to do it all i ask is that you allow everyone who doesn't want to be in the and like everyone leaves the room so it's just me in the room by yourself with the pentagram right so i'm like okay this is like you're all idiots can i tell you right now yeah there are a lot of people yeah who talk that shit yeah about not believing in ghosts yeah i met him yeah dear friends with a lot yeah yeah i'm just telling you right now where you're at in this story yeah i know you don't believe in ghosts yeah you're alone in a dungeon yeah with a pentagram yeah and you're still gone yeah this is wild i would have been outside going lock him in there lock him the fuck in there he's gonna come out he's gonna sound the same but that's how they get you that's how they fucking get you he's a host it's called a host it's how they bring spirits out you need to fucking kill him i take everyone's out the room and i'm like just give me like i'll do it in 30 fucking seconds i take one step towards the pentagram and i'm leaving ghosts yeah i nearly faint the second i my knee collapses in my left i feel this fucking horrific chill all the way down my fucking spine like i managed to sort of catch myself and i step back and i put my feet together and i'm like okay there's there's got to be like a logical explanation for it oh science brain science heal me now rigo obviously what the mandula oblongata is sending us it was a perceived thing it was it was i'm this is my brain this is all mental yeah yeah meanwhile i'm behind you just over my jeans i'm going like it's like avid and costello i'm like um i walk out of the room right and all of them are there and they're just like i was it i'm like yeah it was fine idiots and then we just continued but you never i never told the girl i was with i absolutely never told no i was too i'd made too much of a strong stance that ghost didn't exist what was it was it an immediate was it like the second the second your foot hit there no i didn't even touch i didn't even get to the thing it's like i i like my left foot goes for a word and my right knee just like buckles under me your body was like we're not doing this yeah and it just felt like and there was a child in my spine and and then after that i was like i'm probably not gonna stay with that i did that does that a situation like that does it move the needle at all of you believing in ghosts uh this is gonna frustrate everyone but no like you know i my dumb science brain is just like you if you pers if you're scared of something you will see it everywhere i i'll agree with that i'll agree with that that your brain can psych you out yeah in a way but i think there's sometimes like liz at the comedy cellar one of my favorite human beings on the planet she's there all hours of the day she's a no she's the most no person i know she's like that fat black is haunted and she's like it just that wall the fat black oh right sorry that's crazy that i just said that can i just tell you i did not realize can i just tell you right now i did not realize shorthand the way comics talk i was just at the cellar last night and i'm like i'm over at the fat black that out of context is a why that fat black's haunted i'm like what the what kind of racism is that damn america's america's really feeling themselves trump got in and these boys are just dropping the mask what a cow i'm gonna tell you right now they're haunted no which is why i have to put on this very similar ghost this is how you scare them out of town i oh boy to camera that black cat look it up on google maps it's a real thing it's a lounge where they do shows but they she is like matter of factly like oh the fat black cat is haunted yeah it's haunted and i'm like no it's not now they have cameras yeah and she showed me a clip of it he's seen it where they're you know they have like the lanterns you've done shows there it's like the side room yeah up and it's like with the lanterns up thing i haven't done it oh really no no what i've only done the santa yeah oh and god i've done like gotham but the seller have you done all the rooms at the cellar uh no i've done two of them i think like the big one and then the original room yeah yeah so the big one the upstairs rooms this is what i'm talking about oh understood so upstairs it's the one on the left okay and it's got all it's where they do new joke night and stuff and it's got these like um these like lanterns that are basically hanging down that are low light yeah and she was showing me this just one night in the lobby like next to the room and she's like oh yeah look at this and she goes to a part of it and one of the lights just goes wham and just slant like like nothing move it just moves and she's like yeah this room that happens all the time wow like this place is definitely haunted so that's always the part that moves the needle for me because i go well there is no other there is no science explanation for this does the molecules explode and throw the thing yeah like your leg buckling yeah as you step towards a pentagram in a dungeon should be heavily front loaded you should be aware that i'm saying that every time that you took a step towards a pentagram there's no way i've watched too many horror movies i knew that would unlock and like i would start bleeding black black goo or something but it's like i fat black goo but i like i think maybe it's i think it's mixed i think it's like maybe your brain is freaking you out yeah but maybe maybe it's a portal to hell and they're like and your body's like i'm not it's like when you get all comes razor no they be here it really is it's like could be or wouldn't be is there anything that would change your mind with an experience like that if what would it take i would go i would why not if next time you're just going i'll go back to this place and i'll stay for the paragraph i've not learned my lesson like i would absolutely in the name of science i would absolutely i'll be like right now that i know what to expect right i don't i do leg day beforehand let me tell you right now you go i'm i'm in there repping 225 on squats i'm ready to get in there and fucking stand in there i just i also think this is because of horror movies yeah yeah yeah night you're going to affect everyone around you it's not just going to be did you hear about daniel sloss he got haunted by a 3 000 year old yeah i don't watch horror movies though because they scare me too much i'm a real i'm an absolute pussy when it comes to ghost movies terrifying me absolutely terrifying how are we gonna get how are we gonna get to this this feels like we just opened a whole fucking bag of handkerchiefs that we're pulling out like so you because i last horror movie i watched was paranormal activity which is like looks it looks like ghosts but here's my question just logic alone if you don't believe in in natural phenomenon if you don't believe in ghosts yeah why do those movies scare you because because it's i mean look i because i have an active imagination like you know that's what that's what they're that's what they're active imagination i'm getting i gotta take my sweatshirt off talking about ghosts uh i'm saying like because you believe in ghosts yeah doesn't that like go when you're seeing that with ghosts yeah i'm saying like because you believe in ghosts you go well there's no way that could it's like the way i'm watching superhero movies yeah i don't believe in superheroes i just watch a superhero movie and i go well that would you know yeah i know i'm not gonna walk outside and see a guy but you sort of take away the values of the superhero movie like sure defend the week that's a good point like yeah like there's still in there and also you know you picture yourself you were like i would probably if i was batman i could probably fuck wonder woman oh yeah i go you have a shot yeah yeah like with his muscles and my my res because batman's i there's one thing about the comics i don't get there's no way that cunts getting pussy he's too batman yeah yeah he's well that's why i like what they did with the robert pattinson yeah they made him like an incel a little bit you're like yeah batman would be a little fucking weirdo a rich kid that just is good at beating people up been raised by a fucking butler yeah this cunt's got raised shut up let's make the storyline real alfred violent pedophile just at a just one of the most active and well-defended pedophiles in the entire world and he's got i mean he's backed by the wayne corporation absolutely god knows the new gadgets they have for dealing kids he's like mr bruce this will tie their legs together and keep their penises erect it's like that bit in like the dark night where it's all the screens it's just child yeah he goes miss why mr wayne you found my pedophile cave also it makes batman so much scarier if he's like i was when i was a kid and you go oh no there's nothing you won't do except kill people he goes and that's my only rule is i will kill people like whoa whoa whoa so you'll so real kids oh yeah because people were you know not all like a lot of people were abused as kids i'll tell you what really affect me if bruce wayne was on the epstein list and he would be we need to send batman after batman for some reason just giving him a miss just giving him a miss this time um the bat when he got stuck on epstein island oh no that was what i loved about the comic book the boys that i don't think they really leaned into in the tv show was making these superheroes real pieces of shit like genuinely what happens when people get too much power yeah which garth ennis is a uh he's he's from scotland right and he's done some fucking bell it's because preacher was his as well yeah preacher i mean he's done uh punisher i have the garth ennis i love god i've got a bunch of steve dillon uh garth ennis run a punisher is like the best also he's doing sam talent screenplay of running the light fuck yeah i don't know if i'm allowed i think sam said that on a bunch of shit sam i will pull this down immediately if you get mad and you see this but that's like uh yeah because in in preacher he talks about bill hicks a lot yeah yeah yeah yeah because cassidy goes and sees him yeah at the comedy club and he does the the outline of it i read i reread preacher last year oh my god it's unbelievable it's so good it's right yeah and they did they did a good show what they could with the show i thought it was i i i it was one of the very few times where there were like a lot of people who were like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't like where they weren't fully loyal to the content but they were like open about it the vibe of it yeah they were like look we're gonna modernize it because also we can't do fucking nine seasons of this it would just be too mental also like in the comic it's not until like book two that shit starts really popping off yeah so you're like you can't do a full season of just explanation yeah also the edition of hitler was objectively funny it was the i love that it was great so i was reading that when i was doing our space being in hell with them i'm like i'm like all of this is like a little bit too much but it's like a little bit too much it's like a little bit too much it's like a little bit too much it's like a little bit too much it's like a little bit too much yeah yeah they really um he just does stuff especially like with the boys that you're like this is what i've wanted to see someone do with the superhero for a while yeah yeah which is if you've watched the tv show i say you could go in and read the comic still because it's a completely the time there's a fucking comic the main character is simon pegg yeah like it's literally based on simon pegg that's why when simon pegg played his dad in the pilot i was like fucking punching at and it's also why the movie fucking wanted so yeah because the comic book wanted an entirely different fucking storyline but eminem the character was based on eminem the fucking female character was um uh hallie berry hallie berry yeah absolutely yeah and they wanted to make he tried to get eminem to play that role yeah but then they changed the like the comic book is about how all the villains from the superhero world got together and we're like if every superhero has 20 villains if we all just like team up yeah we can kill the villains and then they do and then like they run the criminal underworld and like one of the characters is called shithead yeah and he's like the manifestation of like the shit of the 666 most evil people that ever exist it's so and i'm like why did you call the wanted movie wanted when it had nothing to do with the ip nothing to do with that's what they got the ip and then they went and and when you're a fan of this is why the marvel trap worked was because they did their basis with nerds when you have a nerd foundation and you appease them you can build up to the sky yeah that's what marvel did when they nailed iron man when they were like we're gonna do robert downey jr as tony stark every nerd was like yeah that's it smashed it absolutely give him the goatee yeah and then you saw the first thing when the bombs drop and he's like the weapons and you're like oh this is like they nailed it they nailed captain america and then they just built off in a way that you're like well of course it's like a weird thing now that kind of sucks because it's just been squeezed it's over fucking saturates yeah unless the only way to bring it back is if they and i don't know i don't i don't have the answer to this but like i don't know i loved you jackman as wolverine yeah he he's not wolverine wolverine is like a five foot he's five five foot four brick shit house pure fucking muscle and doesn't talk much i would rather see peter dinklage play wolverine i think honestly fans of the comic would tell you that's more true if you saw a new x-men lineup and had a wolverine that was at colossus's shins yeah absolutely you'd go that and he's just fucking those huge the tricep hair which hollywood i also but let me tell you it's a very real thing we've also and the internet can prove it i've never seen a jacked little person oh they are they are are you kidding me they're strong of course they are but maybe that's why they don't like you ever shook hands with a little person very strong handshake i must have yeah of course yeah you feel it you go oh you've got six foot seven strength right there it's oh here we go holy fucking shit yeah dude well i will shut my mouth welcome to the world of little people bodybuilding daniel sloss fucking dwarf juggernaut like a jeez here's my question 110s no that must be in let me see thimbles right that's so funny those are dreams each 110 child's dreams here's my question 110 that dude he's he's literally doing it's on flies 110 dumbbells me and you two out of shape dickhead comedians yeah versus four muscular little people i don't know here's the thing we both have reach yeah yeah we both have limbs you don't fear ghosts you don't fear the dead that's a strength i have a giant head capable of just smashing them yeah yeah but i'm telling you right now but you don't want you don't want a head but a little person i think i do do you they've got thicker skulls yeah we're like rams though you know what you know what beats a ram a bigger ram i'll just fucking charge into them i'll blow them back i can fucking spread out they don't want me dude you know what little people don't want a head but me it's a bad day for a little person i mean i will take the hit yeah i will get immediate cte but man i reckon like little person there one that one one kidney punch on me and i'm i'm fucked that's what i mean the compact yeah yeah yeah they get in there - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like four is our limit. Five is a problem. Five is a problem. Six, we're getting overwhelmed. It's good Gulliver's travel. They're fucking stringing us down. I'm going to kill you. But I do think me and you could comfortably take four strong little people. Four strong, like ones that work out, they go. We're going to be tired. There's going to be a lot of me sign getting up for the next week. I'm like, ah, one of them got to my kidneys. And what happens when they come in? Are we like dibsing our ones? Yeah. I'll take the two checks. I go, I go, I go, that one. Eeny, meeny, miny. That's probably the worst way to count them. Probably the most effective. I'm not eeny, I'm meeny. And you go, oh, shit. You go, oh, shit, my bad. I did it. You're meeny, you're meeny. I'll take Moe. That's like a least level shit talking. And they go, can you go? You take meeny, meeny. I'll take Moe. You take meeny, meeny, Moe. We might lose that one. If you talk that shit when they walk in, we might lose that one big time. Yeah, you don't want to rile them up. No. They're strong. They're doing fucking flies with 110. Yeah. I can't even do flies with fucking 40s. Yeah, yeah. Them coming in pissed off would definitely fuck shit up. But yeah, I think we could. I believe in you and I. I think, you know. I've not been enough. I've never been enough. It's over. I'm in my 40s. You're a dad. You know what I mean? We're done. Physical action now would only be, I would fight off a coyote if it went after that fat ass. Yeah. If my dog got attacked by a coyote. Yeah. I would try to fight that. If someone, I've done this. I would fight, yeah. If someone kicked my dog. 100%. I think it's, I'm throwing hands. If I saw somebody kick our dog, like even if it wasn't mine, probably my mate, if you met Kai before. I think so. I might've in, at fringe. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a good hang. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen him like stop his car because he saw somebody like hit a dog, hit their dog and he like stopped the car and went out. I was like, if I ever see you hit your dog again, I'm going to kick your ass. That's, I love that. That's the energy we need. Do you think the lack of guns in the UK makes you guys better at fist fights? I don't know. Like on average? Yeah. But, and there's, and also because we're more like used to like say it like, and again, this is from somebody who's only ever been fucking headbutted. Like I've never, I don't think I've ever seen. Was that a Glasgow kiss? Glasgow kiss. Aye. I think that's the coolest name on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a guy with a giant head. Yeah. What a great name. What a great name for a, and by the way, don't get close to me. Yeah. Cause I got taught by a Scott, had a headbutt. Yeah. They say you push down and in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go with the crown. You get that bit there into their nose. Now granted. The man that was teaching me this, I had to ask what six times. I was like, and then what? What? And he's like, and you're like, I'm not picking any of this up. But yeah. So you've been headbutted. I've been headbutted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did it break your nose? No, which is hard to the size of this fucking thing. Cash nose, dude. So if little people are going to try to grab that, that's how they're grabbing to work their way up. Don't grab it. That's what I do. Cool game through. No, no, no, no, no. They're not on the inside. They're in my brain. Oh my God. Yeah. You're walking back into the pentagram. I suddenly turn around and you're like, no, they're in his brain. Oh, that's, it wasn't the pentagram. It was your knee buckling because that guy was in your fucking nose. But when you get. It's very funny to consider a bunch of little people just treat us like the Power Rangers. Like Voltron. It's just funny that they assemble into me. They're like, mediocre assemble. so when you um when you get head butted it just rings your bell i've been head butted it sucks yeah they didn't get me in my nose they got me in the forehead like an idiot there my vision went for a bit and then like by the time i fucking i didn't fall down and then by the time i'd open my eyes kai was beating the guy up really yeah yeah damn that's cool it's always good to have a friend that's good at fighting oh it's the best no but also if you do have a friend that's good at fighting you become the worst type of woman in the world you know like women who like because they got a big boyfriend they get a bit more mouthy you should look at my algorithm that is me watch my algorithm my instagram is like women getting their boyfriends beat up yeah yeah there's one on the four train that everyone should find this dude is in an mta vest and he's just like sitting there and this guy's girl is just motherfucking him she's like fuck you motherfucker and he's just standing there and he looks at the boyfriend and he goes if you don't stop her i'm gonna beat the fuck out of you yeah and then she gets like too close and then he just goes he moves her and just starts beating the shit out of the guy and you're like that's got to be the worst please find me that video yeah he's on it it's pretty unbelievable i saw it on a deep wormhole i don't know how i got there i love going down like a reddit wormhole of instagram has gotten really good at knowing me what i want when i when i flick up yeah yeah there i go you have to you've you have to like the occasional really brutal knockout yeah and then you go so they just get in yeah come on that you you know what i like come on i'm sitting at the airport i need something i need to feel something there was a great one of a guy in chicago i think it was it was like a wintry fucking night and like clearly this guy is huge he beats up three guys successfully right now it's slippery so and the guys he's fighting are like fucking drunk but like punches one and then he chases the other two and one of the hardest i've ever laughed at a fucking guy and then he's like fucking flaked up he runs back to the guy that he like punched and almost knocked out before and the guy's like getting up he's like he takes his hand and then he's like i'll help you up buddy and then just by the way you get a twofer yeah yeah that's just such good shit house today that's that's you know i couldn't get your two buddies they're fast if i was late for work i would hate this bitch oh yeah yeah yeah oh you gotta watch the uncut we gotta find the uncut swing from the fucking ankles send them damn do you think they broke up yeah man yeah you gotta i mean you gotta break up with her well she yeah you gotta break you gotta go i don't know the pussy's good but this is insane also you have yeah you have to break up with her because you cannot allow there to be any amount of time where like she's like oh well you ain't a man yeah yeah got the shit kicked out of me we're going to a nice dinner yeah and then you just because there is a part that's not in the news clip where the guy that beats him up looks at the boyfriend and goes i'm gonna fuck you up which if a guy says that to me you go okay well now i'm on guard at least i wasn't even on guard yeah that guy was just like yeah it's crazy she spit at you she always does this it's like well i can't teach her a lesson i can teach you one though well turns out if i aim at you i can get all this aggression out i just found out that you're a receptacle for my aggression yeah dude fuck that getting beat up in public and because of your girlfriend is nightmare situation yeah i'm i'm i've been trained in like because i've always been a puny little man i've always changed i was trained in like de-escalation from a young age but when you're hanging but then when you're hanging out with when i'm with kai when you're with kai you're like fuck you bitch yeah yeah you ain't gonna touch my man yeah one of the things that i've learned that one of the one of the little people points to kind is like if you if you don't get him to stop calling us any money if you don't silence him you're the one that's gonna have the problem you um yeah did you ever did he ever get mad at you kai ever get mad at you for getting him into a fight no well maybe that's it yeah like it was i mean i was never i was i was never like starting fights whatever but there was just and obviously he loves knocking so there's one time that's i love knocking out and it's only only ever bad he's like a scummy batman like you don't ever beat up people who deserve to be yeah it's great there was one time i was driving we were on tour and i was driving and i flipped off um somebody because they were a bad driver and then like they stopped the car in front and we're getting out the car and by the time i was like to suddenly be like oh god kai was out of the car and just yelled at the guy get back in your car before i fucking steal it that's great the car just went he goes you know what that's a good idea yeah that's a fair that's a fair response whereas if i if he hadn't been there i would have just plowed through the back of him killed both of his children you go i don't know i just gonna know i'm gonna know what a body feels like under a weight of a car and you go you hear the crunch you don't think you do but you do if you listen for it yeah yeah you can hear the vertebrae yeah yeah yeah and if you hear if you hear that that's the skull we did that at least there's a friend david shout out david i don't know if you watch the podcast he might but i grew up with i'm not gonna give his legal name he was so good at beating people up that his mom sent him to military school great and he beat more people up and got and she was like you need to do this to foreign no it was in kansas it was like a work school so they send people in like the middle of nowhere and then they dig holes and like fucking break rocks and shit but all it did was it turned him into an overweight kid into a jacked kid yeah so he just came back pure muscle yeah and then - And the amount of people he could beat up tripled. - Quadrupled? He came back when he was 13, and I watched him in an apartment complex beat up two 16-year-olds at the same time. Oh, my. That's a lot of difference. Three years is a big difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has puberty as well, like, depending on when his fucking hits. And he would do, David was just clocking him, and just, like, big hits where they're just like, boom, and you're, like, watching him move the whole body. And then a 21-year-old that was friends with our, we had a shitty group of kids when we were, like, 13. This, like, 21-year-old beat him up, and then afterwards, everyone was like, he's 13. And it finished, and the 21-year-old was like, all right, is that enough? And all, like, the kids were like, he's a kid. Like, the first kid that said that, and then you watch the guy, Vic, go like, all right. But you're like, that wasn't a fair fight. Yeah. But David was a bad motherfucker. He would just beat people up. Have you ever been in a fight? You ever thrown a punch? Not, like, middle school. Middle school, and then occasionally, like, in a drunk, like, push in college where you, like, throw one punch, and then someone would throw one punch, and then everyone would break it apart. But I've never. I was, like. I reckon it's fucking satisfying as fuck to, like, knock somebody out. I mean, I've been. There must be. Oh, yeah. But I also, I would think now in our older age, it's scary, because you go, like, oh, no, get up. I need you to get up. Yeah. When you're young, you're like, what's up, bitch? We're invincible. Yeah. You're a four-year-old. All it takes is a bad fall, land on a fucking curb, break your neck. No, no, no. That's what it is now, is, like, I always say, instead of being friends with, like, a Kai or a David, be friends with a guy that's a lawyer, so they can just take words and beat the shit out of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you get his house, because I beat the shit out of him. And you go. Then stealing your car, he goes, and I'll see you at court, and I'll take your car. And you're like, oh, yeah. I don't feel like the Scottish are litigious, like Americans. Is there a lot of suing in the UK? Is there a lot of, like, I'll see you in court? A little bit. Certainly not as much. I mean, America's a country on the foundation of suing. Like, they'd say it's, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't say we don't do it. Just not as much. Which is. It hasn't rubbed off on you the way the Americans sue. No, and also, like, in regards to the fucking fight things, even though I've never been in one, there's a real sort of, from a lot of the fights I've seen, like, once the energy is sort of, like, out and expanded. Sure. There's, like, I've seen two men beat the shit out of each other, and then the winner be like, all right, I'll buy you a pipe. That's great. Like, we sorted that out. We need more of that. That's why not having. We need a lot more of that. Like, that's why not having guns is, like, a good thing. Like, I, the reason I could never live in this country is because I would be, in jail in two months. Because you can't give me the option to shoot someone. I mean. Like, that's, I'll just, I'll shoot so many people. Do you know how many people I fucking hate? Listen, I am a solution-based man. This is why I can't own a gun. Oh. It's a quick solution to shooting someone, right? The amount of fights I got into because Kai could back me up. Can you imagine the amount of fucking shit I'd talk if I was strapped? Yeah, but I'll tell you what. That also ends your shit-talking career pretty quickly. Yeah. You do it wrong, and then you go, that's why, you know, it was good for population control, was dueling. Yeah. Because you go, we're going to free up some resources here in a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And guns are permanent. That's why fist-fighting is better. Yeah. Fist-fighting, you expend the energy. Because, you know, it's like, there's this documentary about people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. They regret it the millisecond they jump. Yeah, every single person goes, the second I jump, you regret it. And I feel like, I don't know if people, I've never killed someone with a gun, but I'm sure in the heat of the moment where you shoot someone with a gun, the second it happens, you go, it's like that. Yeah, there's no taking that back. Whereas a fight, you can punch a guy. Fighting a gun is like auto-save in real life. You're like, oh, that's, that's. Oh, I can't get back in right before that. No, no. I can't get back right before that. Whereas, like, there's a lot of checkpoints with fist-fights, where you can go, I can go back to a checkpoint and go. Yeah, like, and look, regardless of people who watch fucking UFC, real fights last about 45 seconds before most people are, like, gassed and tired. And then there's, like, that bit where people pull back, and it's like, you're. You good, bro? Yeah, yeah, yeah, good. You good, yeah, yeah, yeah. You good, bro? I'll buy you a pint. Bro! Yeah. But, yeah, the best, the toughest thing that you can do is go get wind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, go get, like, if you're cardiovascular in shape, you don't have to be that strong. You'll just gas out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like Homer Simpson. The Homer Simpson gets. Yeah. I just keep getting punched and coming. Because that's, like, do you remember Kimbo Slice? Yeah, he fought Data. When he fought Data 5000. These are both, like, these are, like, two guys that were, like, street fight legends. Yeah. And they put him in the octagon. And they lasted 45 seconds before they were just so tired. I think they did, like, two rounds, and one of them died because of it. I think Data 5000 died. You can look that up. One of them, like, was really injured because it gassed him. Again, I might be remembering this wrong, but I remember watching that fight and being like, they're really gassed. Yeah. Like, beyond anything I've ever seen, and then reading about one of them having, like, medical problems because of it. Oh, fuck. Because you're like, you don't realize. It's like you're expending everything. Yeah. You're right. Me and you, by the way, we're not thinking about any meanie-miney-moe having good tanks. Little tanks, but bigger tanks than we have. Yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah. Because if we're running away, if we're dodging four of them, we're gassing quick. You mean you're going to be like, and then our hands are on our knees. You reckon you could hurdle one, though? You reckon that's how you do them? Easy. Easy. I'm telling you, while I have gas in the tank, I'm a problem for them. I'm long. I'm more nimble than you think I am. You can grab my arm and, I'll slither out of it. They're going to clamp on me, but no. Also, if I can bonk two of them together. If you bonk two of them together hard enough, they would actually go to, they're like water droplets. And then it'd be ghosting. Yeah, and then you'd go, oh, what am I not? You watch it grow, you go, I think our problem just got a little bit bigger. It says here, no one died from Kimbo Slice versus Dada 5000, but Dada 5000 nearly died, and Kimbo Slice passed away a few months later from unrelated, okay. Thanks, AI. And AI really is just like a drunk friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it gets things wrong all of the time. Yeah, it's like Dada 5000's still alive, and you're like, what? He's performing this weekend. He's behind you. That's my dog, Myrtle. You fucking liar. So you got shows left? Yeah, so I'm doing until, it's probably going to come out after. That's absolutely fine, man. I'm here to fucking hang out. Because I'm trying to think, what should we promote? What do you need to promote? Oh, just fucking, you know, I got a show. Go watch his specials. You can find X's on HBO, or my website for free. Just go to Daniel's website. Daniel Sloss is one of the funniest comedians. I've always thought you were hilarious from afar. Getting to know you, it's like, lives up to the expectation. Well, thanks, man. You're a fucking hilarious dude that doesn't believe in ghosts, and I believe that you don't believe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next time you come to Scotland, we'll go. And you can stand outside, but I'll fucking do it again, man. All right, I'm in. We're doing it. I'm going to be so scared. I can't smoke weed. I'll shit myself if I'm high and I do this. I'll absolutely take an animal for it. That'll give me the confidence. Oh, I don't think you should do that. That's not the spirit that's going to get you. Fuck. Go watch Daniel Sloss' comedy and just know that he's not scared of ghosts.