Polygraphs and Healing

She said this and I'll never forget this because I tell this to all all the people that I mentor and that I coach too that I needed to fully invest in my healing and then you came and you told me I'm also gonna go ahead and do the polygraph But the reason that we don't want to we don't want to expose that one of the reasons is because Welcome back to red hot marriage. Yes. Yes. So last episode We had a blast but also we it was kind of intense. It was intense right it was it was it was pretty intense And but it's okay because it's the whole process honest it is transparent. It is intense the post-of-be But also we left a cliffhanger that we're gonna talk about today So the cliffhanger was yeah, we ended it where we were talking about Going through full disclosure a therapeutic full disclosure for those that don't know what it is It is when you sit and work with your therapist right and go through your history your sexual history Yes, right to then help the spouse that has been hurt by your acting out Get some closure and kind of get some find some truth find some truth right you've been lying Yeah, yeah, so find the truth of really what what is it that we're really dealing with so we got to that place in On our last episode of getting to the full disclosure sitting through The painful moment of hearing everything that you had written Down and then we talked about one of the Vital and critical parts of a full disclosure that can your spouse can ask for that yes You can opt to do that or not and we just kind of left it there right And this part I recommend every spouse every couple That is hearing this that is facing this right now And they're about to engage in this process I recommend that they do this first. Uh-oh You want to say it? Yes So yes, a full disclosure But the part that we left hanging was that I did a lie detector test Polygraph a polygraph test I didn't ask for that but you Wanted to include that yeah in your full disclosure why and and I want all the men to listen to this and because You've been lying for Years if you've been married for any amount of time you've probably been lying to your to your wife up until Right now Yeah, because she caught you right and now your face with the reality and you need to Change change things you need to find help you need to restore the marriage and you need to front The the consequence of your actions yeah, and the best way to do it is with truth That was a saying that the on and I came up with Um as we were navigating this that it was we were gonna do we were gonna be brutally honest brutally honest and a full disclosure brings that head on Right now in that moment nothing but pure crystallize brutal truth that happens and immediately afterwards you do a lie detector test As a as a as a man Approaching that as as a man wanting to Do it well do the right thing restore repair This is your next best step. Yeah, so I remember going through this process that we you know we were planning for of course the Therapy full disclosure and you were working on all of that and then you came and you told me I'm also gonna go ahead and do the polygraph Because I want for you to know that everything that I'm telling you is true So there was like that measure also for me of okay Well, he can't lie through this one whatever he He's thinking of maybe hiding or whatever it's gonna come out. It's gonna come out through this so Talk a little bit of I don't know was it scary for you thinking about that or What what after I didn't get to see it because like they they took you you know They took me to the dungeon in the bag And then like you went away. Yeah, I stayed there I went to go have lunch and then like you were gonna be working on on that With you know with someone that could do the polygraph right so I wasn't in the room I never saw like what they did to you. So do you want to talk a little bit of like what that process is? Yes, like the the full disclosure And now the polygraph is we go into the polygraph and It's similar to what you see on TV normally you see someone sitting down They have like a little machine and in this in my case it was like a laptop computer, right? But you have like different indicators. They put something in your in your fingertips some Things that go over your fingers And then they put something around It's kind of like a strap around your chest and it's not very tight, but it's just kind of snug around your chest And what they do they first ask you some questions what I What I know now is that those questions are very simple like what's your name or you know, you're gonna You know, who's your wife? What's there's publishing a basis of truth? Yes, there's a baseline of your emotion And how truth looks inside of you, right? And then they start going through all tons of questions It seemed like tons of questions But there's only like 10 I You know, it must have been a hundred sounds like it felt like a hundred questions. Yeah, so okay, so back Like let's let's go back a little bit So one of the parts to for me because then you were gonna be doing the polygraph is that they asked me what questions I wanted to include To confirm right the whether or not If there was anything that I was maybe still not clear about or there was doubts that I had like what what did I Want to know so I started working with a therapist before that day too with my my own coach right? Writing down some of the things that I really wanted to know Whether this happened or not During this period and really like you know, have that answer not remember and this is why I want to share this that in Talking I was just so caught up in like I don't know what just happened like this is a lot going through this process right and She said this and I'll never forget this because I tell this to all all the people that I mentor and that I coach too That there is no bleach for the brain Wow whatever wow whatever I tell us more about that. What is what is that mean? Yeah Once I ask that question and I ask the details of something In my mind it will be etched forever Well, and I will possibly be triggered the rest of my life With that one thing that I want to know And I say this now because I know with working with so many women over the years and some of the things that they've asked or husbands to tell them or Completely unnecessary and irrelevant to their healing I'll explain when you want to know details of what happened Positions all the different things That can be so so damaging to you Well as a spouse that was betrayed right the content of what your spouse had been watching too um It's things that you have to be able to know that you can live with and that you can then work through Because you're re-traumatizing yourself and possibly um Not helping the relationship moving forward. So I went into this asking questions that I really wanted to know to That I was very curious to know okay How much truth is there to this is this the whole truth or not But also conscious about that that if like let's say that you know you were your Your dispossessive it was redheads Every time they get well. I only like redheads. I would only watch redheads, you know That's all that I would watch then every single time that I see this type of person on the street anywhere I would be completely triggered. Yeah By this person the individual right so um so yeah, there is no bleach for the brain So that is that is such a great advice for any Women any any married you know any women is facing this right now um to take that into account For their healing. Yeah, and if they're gonna go and do this process that we're talking about Super important that you're working with someone that first of all can help you You know come up with these questions to to ask and um that can truly help you Absolutely, so uh, yeah, so there were some questions that I had for you that That you were gonna be asked specifically if you were truthful yeah, and those in those right um so So once that process was over that they did that it took maybe what like an hour maybe Like 10 hours Kind of felt like 10 hours But once he finished then they had the results yes, they had the results with the results with you first They did and then they took they took us into a room and then they read the results to me of you know They were which were fine, you know everything that you had said was truthful. Yeah, you know So um so okay that was done But it also brought to me a piece of mind once they took me in and read the results and all that that okay I can begin the process of Rebuilding trust with you and you're gonna be honest, right? And and that's something that that I know helped us heal. How did that help you in a way to to be able to move forward? Hearing the full disclosure. You know before what I think what happens with us that we have walked this process of like we've been lied to, gaslit over and over and over again, that we don't know like if what you're saying is the truth or not, right? For the spouse that has been betrayed. But now it was like okay and then we start making up stories in our mind. Well maybe he actually didn't do this but he did this and he's keeping that away from me and he's and there's your brain. You're brain is making up stories because it's now the storyline that I had initially of having this amazing beautiful perfect marriage has been completely disintegrated. So now my mind has to make sense of all that's happened and in making sense it's also going to fill in the gaps and embellish some things in there too because it's the trauma brain that has been completely activated to help me make sense of what just happened. You know and in making sense of things too it may be like you weren't good enough, you didn't do this, you're not as hot as this person and all of these different things. But then once you see the whole full disclosure and you see then oh in this part of my husband's life there was traumatic moments that deeply wounded him and affected him. Right. That I was not privy too. So now that I can see all your life and I can kind of get a layout for the land that apparently I didn't know was there then it becomes easier for me to say okay this is his story. This is part of his story, his trauma and I just happen to be here unaware of the things. It kind of feels or sounds like whenever the full disclosure happens like you're in your mind the storyline gets very organized like organized with like the timeline from from you know eight years old or whatever all the way to present time and then and then all that storyline then you start you know marking the different events that happen and your mind starts making sense on how I arrived at this moment. Yes. Right. And that's important. That's very important because it sets a foundation of truth. And it's necessary because the timeline has already been completely distorted. Right. So once you bring that clarity into what parts of our life that I didn't know were missing then it then it's made me also just find peace in knowing okay this has been his journey and there is so much shame that had been attached to all of this that that we have here. So I know part of I know people have asked in the past too what do you do with the full disclosure is it something that the wife should keep do you kind of like keep it and we say throw it away burn it burn it like it is a part of your history that that's it it's going to be laid out once once and that's all you're not going to be revisiting yeah full disclosure is not meant for you to pull it out every once in a while and read through it's preview no no no no it's meant to have a a one time a one time it doesn't mean that you you don't you cannot ask about it yeah because you can you can ask you can have any any questions but it's not it's not meant to be revisited at your leisure because you want to keep on thinking about the whatever was said it was meant to have a specific moment of truth a moment that you can point to the in your mind and say truth happen here right and then from that moment you can turn away from that moment and and burn it discarded because it was meant to disclose this this part of your life but then if there's questions follow up absolutely yeah there's going to be questions and you're able as part of the healing process and from there you're able to the front of you're able to talk about them so well so in going through the process and kind of getting coming together and then having our therapist and you know our mentor coach there in the room we went through then the results of the photograph and then at that point we pretty much just say goodbye you know and you came home I went to a hotel and I remember then that evening having a call with my coach to kind of find out okay how did it go getting grounded and all that but I remember even thinking in that room by myself and sitting there with the Lord feeling completely at peace and completely safe that no matter what I had just heard I realized that in that moment that I was married to a very imperfect man yeah that was trying to be perfect for me and I had been sure changed of the actual marriage of the actual man that I really wanted to know so I'm saying and sharing this for the men that maybe are sitting in the space of complete fear of what'll happen if they do something like this and what I can tell them because I've told you this too is how much I admire the man that you truly are the broken messy imperfect but perfect for me man that you are because it's a part of your heart that I love the most I love the imperfect you I love the broken messy you and that's all that the wife is asking for right to see you the honest you and for the years that you hid and you hit that from me I think that's more painful than you not just coming clean yeah yeah and but the reason that we don't want to we don't want to expose that one of the reasons is because it'll seem as as a weakness weakness that we've lived with all our life and again now we have to be weak in front of our wife by saying all these things and then because we we what happens is we have a hard time understanding our story and be able to be okay with our story if our story is messy is got some bumps and bruises along the way shady past we need to be okay with that and the more that we're okay with that the more that we're able to communicate that to our wives and and the more that they're able to love part of us that we thought that they would hate they was unlovable and I think that's the most incredible part of all this process that I'm able to to give you more of who I really am and you're able to to look at it and say well that's messy but I love I love that messy part and and that is amazing to to hear and amazing to to experience yeah I think that leading up to the full disclosure one of the things that that I had already come to terms with is whenever I share this with you it might all be over yeah and and I was at that point I was like if it's over it's gonna be horrible and devastating and it's gonna shake all my life and there's nothing's gonna ever gonna be the same but at the same time I was like but I still want to be a healthy man if that's what he takes I'm okay with that because I want to be a man of integrity you know before the Lord and before before me right whenever I see myself in the mirror every single morning I don't want to be doubting who I am that I'm even lying to myself yeah so after after the disclosure happened it was it was so scary but I felt from that point on I felt the proudest that I ever been about about me about the man that I see in the mirror that nothing can change that and I wouldn't trade it for the world so let's talk about a little bit about the the day after when I came home all how did you see me and do you remember what I told you and then we'll kind of I don't remember you don't remember at all okay so came came back in the afternoon after the disclosure thing we did on a Friday and I came back Saturday late Saturday night right and when I walked through the door you were sitting in the couch and we were ready to talk I had not communicated I had not texted you we had not talked since the very last with a therapist that we had we had gone through all of it we had not communicated at all so I came through the door and shut down the TV and then we just started talking and just told you like I love you and we're gonna get through it we're gonna get through whatever this is and we just cried We talked for six hours, right? - We talked for six hours. About then everything that we had, some of the things that had been written and some questions that I had, you know, too, and you kind of explained a little bit further, but like you didn't find a wife, I wanna say, I wanna believe that was angry. - Yeah. - I think that you met some time. - Not this time. (laughing) Not this time, because, you know, but you found a wife that was understanding. - Yeah. I think after the discovery, yes, it was different, right? A lot of undelt emotions, a lot of craziness. - The second episode one or two, so go back and listen to it. - Yeah, but after the full disclosure, yes, it was completely different. Understanding you wanted to hear more of my story, you wanted to hear more, and you had some questions, and you were open to listening to-- - Yeah, and the thing with me, though, and I mean, those that know us, like this is the normal me. The normal me is not crazy. - No. - Because I'm very grounded and centered, and I love listening to people. - Absolutely. - Yeah, absolutely. - And listening to like the worst parts of their story. So, if you would have come to me years and years ago, that's who you would have gotten. It was lying, they got you of, you know, in trouble, right? But that was something that I needed as your wife to know what are we dealing with. What is the context of this thing, this marriage that we have? And without knowing that, then my mind would just fill in all the gaps of what I thought might have could have happened. And then once I no longer could build these stories in my mind, I was like, okay, we can then work with this. We can then do something here. But it took that, and it took, but more than anything, it took you wanting to do the work, because we've worked with so many people in the past that have come to us, and yet we've worked with them for free. They're, you know, they're, we're meeting with them and everything, and we see zero change. - Right. - Zero. - Zero. - And it's so tragic, because I'm working with a wife, seeing her devastation, her world is just imploded. And the guy's like, oh, well, you know, all, all, yeah, yeah. I'm going to this group, but they're not serious. - Right. - A moment you have skin in the game, and you're paying, and you're doing the work, and you're like showing up and doing it. - Believe me. We did not have the money to do go through all this work and therapy, and it cost money. - Thousands. - But we understood, I understood that this was the way for me to get the help that I needed. I needed to fully invest in my healing, like fully full commitment. Whatever it took, I was paying hundreds of dollars per week. And it was part of my commitment that I think that it, and I didn't have to say much words to the Anna, but that spoke to her, that I was fully committed into. - Well, I was seeing you two also, like, even call some of the guys that you were accountable to, and they check in with them and show up to group. - Paying for therapy, not-- - Driving to therapy, you know, an hour away or whatever, to go and get the help that you needed. I saw that. - And that was important. - That was building trust in me at the time. I didn't really know it. I was like, okay, for the wives, I will say this, because I think that part of my anger, too, was like, this is costing so much money. - All right, you said that a couple times, yeah. - It's like, we can't go on vacations, we can't do anything because this is costing us everything, you know, and it all went on credit cards, because we're like, we don't have that kind of money to just be doing this, but this was the most important thing that we could have done. Like, forgo the vacation, forgo the cop, forgo whatever you need to do, and get the healing that-- - I was the most important-- - You had to be. - At that moment to get the healing that I needed. And you became also after the trauma of the moment, you became the most important, because you needed to find help as well. - And that's really doing things for me. Like, of course, attending, going and going and finding a therapist that could actually help me, I started working out, I started doing things to take care of me. One of the things I wanted to go back to, that during this time of us figuring out what life was looking like, you know, I've been one that I love to cook, I love to serve, and true Hispanic mama here, I like doing that for my family, but I was like, "Psh, I'm done, I'm not cooking for you, I'm not washing, but I'm not doing anything for you anymore," because it was the moment of like, the trauma of going through this process with you, and I remember the initial part of it, that it was like, "I'm gonna stay in my side, and I'm gonna do those things that make me feel good, and that make me get healthy," and then you're gonna go ahead and just like, do whatever you need to do on your end to get the help that you need. And we kind of handled that for that initial year, like that, like, "Hey, work on you, I'm gonna work on me, and then we're gonna start working on this together," and that was helpful. That we both were getting the help that we needed. I think it's really hard when we see the only guy going and getting help, and because it's expensive, the wife just kind of stays in the background, not getting help that she needs. And then he's doing amazing, and he recovers, and he's thriving, but she's still caught in the trauma. And she's stuck, and we then see the inequality in care for both. So our recommendation is always start working. He needs someone, you need someone, and you need to-- - It's worth it. - And it is worth it. - It's worth it. - Because then you're both healing together. - It's worth every penny of the investment. - It is, it is, 'cause it's on you. It's on you, and yeah, it's on your future. - 100%. - Yeah. So part of this journey too, so going back to day one, day after, day after the disclosure, day after the polygraph, we're sitting there, we talk for hours, and we just really talk about everything that we have been walking through, the hard, hard season, that we were experiencing. The, and it was probably one of the most honest conversations that we had had up to that period, knowing everything. Did you find it surprising that, because you know your mind will tell you, she hates, she's gonna hate you, she's just gonna leave. 'Cause your mind had already told you that, you were prepared for that in essence, that instead what you received was love. - Grace, yeah. - And grace. - Yeah. Yeah, I don't think I had any expectations. In my mind, I was ready to receive whatever came my way. And so, but that was so refreshing to receive that. Like openness and grace and love. That was so, and affirmation also for that really critical moment of having to disclose things in your past that you didn't even, you had not even thought about it in 40 years. And you had vowed to yourself, I vowed to myself that no one was gonna find those things. And so people that are listening to this, they might be going through some of those things. And want to guard some of those secrets in their hard experiences that they had as kids, things that were damaging and traumatic. At some point, that needs to come out of you and share it with the most important person in your life. And I think that's gonna bring healing inside of you. And you might, as you share that, think that you feel that is the most shameful, you might be surprised what you get when you share it as I did. - Yeah, you know, God's word says that the truth will set us free. And how true that is. But we have been conditioned to think like, well, this is too much, this is too shameful to bring forth. But the reality is that when we do, we really are set free. And we really then become free. So one part of our story that I really wanna touch on is yes, we went through this process and everything, but then even later on when you became a pastor and you started then working with men, this is an area that I encourage you like, babe, share your story. - Yeah. - Share your story with the guys like, don't hold back. Tell them everything. And you did. And when you started doing that, what happened to these men? - I mean, obviously there was a lot of men that were going through the same thing. As we see, as we see in the stats, we see men are trapped in this. This is a cesspool of traps, cesspool of, like the deception that goes behind to grab men's attention and to hold it captive. To hold the souls of men captive for decades is despicable and is horrible. But more men started to think, to come up and the classes that we had, it was incredible to see. And I would always walk in there and tell those men how proud I was to see all those men there. But I always tell them this because it was true. I had like a connection with them because walking through freedom is the hardest thing that men that we're ever gonna do. But it's gonna be the most productive thing that as men that we can do because this will affect every part of our life, our work life, our life with our spouse, with our friends, with our kids, on and on, with our finances, on and on. And of course with the Lord, yeah. But it's something that was so important and imperative for men to deal with and deal with it as with courage, with humility, but with other men around you as well. And I would always tell the men, man, you guys are my favorite of all the groups that we have because men, they were expressing just courage being there. So anyway, I think this is a great conversation, honey. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It is. And it's one that's necessary. So I think for those that are listening that find themselves in this space of like, should I come forward? Should I say something like, what would you say to the guys? And then we'll all speak into the girls. Well, would you say to, and I'll let you think about it, I guess, I'll go first. But what I would say to the women is like, if you have noticed disconnection in your marriage, if you have noticed that there has been, that there's even things that you can't really bring up if they are quick to like get the phone off your hand whenever you reach over like, hey babe, let me look at something useful. Why do you need my phone? Why, why, why, why, why? And there's a defensiveness. So there's that cautionary of like keeping that phone close to the chest. Yeah, wonder why, wonder why? - You might. - You might have to ask more questions about that. - But for those ladies that I think find themselves like, I really don't want to find out if my husband has been doing these things, if he's been cheating, lying, whatever, I rather just not know, I rather not know. We have those people that are all stretches and that will put their head in the sand and just like, I just don't want to know. And I've worked with women that have said like, yeah, I just don't want to know what's-- - And if I don't know, it might go away. - Exactly. - It goes away now. - It doesn't go away. It never goes away on the contrary. We talked about porn addiction last episode and how we can escalate into greater and worse sexual addiction, right? - Yeah. - Acting out and all that. It needs to be addressed now. 2026 is a year of freedom if you wanted to be. - Yeah. - And for women to 2026 can be the year where the Lord begins a deep cleansing in you and in your marriage that you won't recognize at the end of this year. And that's our heart that men and women find the freedom that marriages are restored, that marriages truly are operating in the red hot that we talk about of honest, open and transparent living. - Yeah. - And that's where our heart is. And finding people that we can work with and help get through the process that this is. So for women, if you find yourself unsure of what's going on in your marriage, you're feeling the disconnection, you're seeing the shutdown, you're seeing that something is off. - Yeah. - You know, let's talk, let's investigate a little bit of why, why. And I can tell you something that if you go into this as women with an open heart of like Lord, you can do something in my marriage that seems even impossible for me. I'm gonna invite you in to walk this out with me. And God will, God will and He will help you. No matter what has happened, He can help you. - Absolutely. - You know, get to that place of freedom for both of you. So for the guys, what would you say to the guys? - I wanna talk to the guys, but you know, before we finish, I just feel that we need to pray for the women. And as we close, if you wanna pray for the ladies, but for the guys, man, there's nothing and it's hard to put it into words, but there's nothing greater than to know that you have no secrets in your life. And this is not like you, secrets that you wanna tell everyone, no, only one person needs to know. The Lord already knows, but you need to tell your wife. - And if the guys not married, a best friend. - Yeah, tell a best friend, but for you to be, if you're single or married, to be a guy, a man of integrity that you have no secrets that bind you, that you are bound to, is the greatest gift that you can give to yourself. And no one else can give it to you. It's something that you need to have the courage to give it to yourself. And if you take that step, I'm telling you, you're gonna be a different man. If you're married, you're gonna be able to connect with your wife in a deeper way. Your relationship is gonna change. There's rewards that I can even, I can not even put into words that you're gonna receive because of the courage that you have to confront those secrets and to share them with her. And if you're single, like Dana said, share them with the friends, share them with the pastor, share them with someone that you trust, but that you have the courage to confront those and share them. And your life would never be the same as a man of character, a man of courage, a man of humility, understanding your story, it's gonna change your life. - The integrity too that you are integrated with yourself. - That you're, yeah, that you're starting to become integrated and accepting your story. So before we close, honey, can you pray for the ladies? - Yeah, I'll do that. I will definitely do that. And then maybe you can pray for the guys that are maybe in the thick of it, trying to find freedom and just pray that. - Okay. - Okay. - Yeah. - Okay, Father, thank you Lord. That you are the God who heals the brokenhearted and you bind wounds. So Lord, we pray today for every woman that may be watching, that is experiencing this in their marriage, that they don't even know Lord, what to do. Father, I pray that you would first of all feel their hearts, their minds with your peace and that you would begin the road to healing and restoration, Lord, I pray also that all things that have been hidden, that have been in the darkness, Father, that you would bring them to the light to bring freedom, Lord, to people, to marriages. Lord, I pray for your strength, Lord, for my sister, Father, for anyone Lord that is experiencing this, that you would bring restoration as well, Lord. Thank you, Father, that you can make all things new. In Jesus' name we pray, amen. - Lord, Lord God, I lift up all the men, Lord, that are listening to this podcast. And Lord God, that are navigating seasons of addiction, Lord, in hardship through it. Lord God, I pray, Lord, that you would give them the courage, Lord, to trust you for healing, but also to trust you in the process of complete restoration, Lord. Help them, help them find a way to, to Lord God completely break away from this addiction, Lord. Thank you, Lord, that you help them. Thank you, Lord, for complete healing in you, Lord. In Jesus' name, amen. - Amen. - Amen. - Honey, this has been an incredible, red-hot marriage episode. - I love it. I love it. - So, next time, you know what I was saying that one thing that we definitely need to cover, because I know we talk about it sometimes with, with a lot of couples experiencing this, is like, do we tell our kids? How do we break this down to our kids? So, we'll talk about that maybe next time. How do we tell, do we tell family? Do we tell our parents? Who do we tell? - Oh, that's gonna be good. That's gonna be red-hot. - That's right. (laughing) - Love me. - I love you. (gentle music)