PLT 218 - LIVIES

(upbeat music) - Welcome to Poor Lil' Thing, The Podcast. Also known all around the world as-- - That is P, that is L, and that is T. - That is definitely right Amy. The podcast for every share and discuss stories involving life's Poor Lil Things. Like that time you were at the gym, and you were listening to your Spotify, you were listening to a new song by LaRou. - Are you familiar? - Yes, one song. - Yes, me too, but they have a new one. - Okay, anyway I'm jamming out to it, and then it suddenly says on my phone that A has joined your Spotify jam. Are you familiar with this? - Someone can hop on. - Yes, 'cause like when I wake up in the morning, Michaela who is below me, we're always listening to our Spotify's, and my phone asks me, do you wanna join Michaela's jam? I never do, I got my own thing going on, I don't wanna join her jam, you know, I'm not there yet with her, I love her, but we're not there. And so someone just joined my jam at the gym. My song, a second later, stops. And then a song comes on called, "Bad Word in My Butthole." I'm not gonna say the bad word, 'cause it's a bad word, in my butthole starts playing on my phone. I start laughing and looking around, but I'm also trying to be cool, 'cause I'm in the middle of the jam, and it's decently busy. There's guys pump an iron all over me, probably a couple of crushes too. And I laugh, I look around and no one's smirking, no one's having a time with me. So I turn it off, put my new song, my LaRou back on, and then about 10 seconds later, bad word in my butthole starts playing again. And I start giggling again. I look around and I do see one guy, my friend Todd. He's just a few away from me, but I know that he would never do this. And I'm looking at him, and if you're gonna do this, you gotta have a little phone with it, right? He's not even doing anything. It was not him. I looked at him, I did see him later too. It was not him. So now I, I, I, I join the jam. I get out of it. Well, get out of it. I know I got out of the jam, listen to my song. And as I'm leaving, I did see another guy know who would do something like this. But he didn't own up to it either. So the case is still unsolved. (laughing) - Hi, I'm Ryan Steele, and with me, as always, is the woman who is playing the role of Tina in the new Off-Broadway musical, Tina Moshanez, my life, my legacy. (laughing) It's Amy, good Murphy. - Hi. - Okay, so how exciting is this Off-Broadway, which is almost better than on Broadway sometimes, I think? - Yeah, I agree. - That's where the real gems are. - Amy Moshanez, my life, my legacy, and you're playing Tina. - And I am Tina. - Wow. - I wanna say it is such an honor to play "Dude Miss Moshanez." And I truly, I mean, you know, you can't imagine how many people went out for this. - Oh, how many, actually, I don't know. - At least 15 people went out for this role. - Oh, okay, well that's good. - Yes. - You got it. - Why did you say that's good, like as if it wasn't that many people? - I apologize for that. - Okay, so it was 15 people, which is quite a lot of people crying, that is three handfuls of people. (laughing) And so, anyways, that's three handfuls, big handfuls of hair, exactly, which is what I did to get the part. - Oh, okay. - I physically took them all down. - Oh, wow. - There's a part in the play, I don't wanna give too much away, but it is a bit of a teaser where Tina Moshanez, my life, my legacy, is in high school. And she needs to take a group of girls down. I was auditioning for this part in the play. - Yeah. - In the shut up, right? - In the theater? - In the production. - Okay, yeah. - And so anyways, I said, hey girls, hey, hey, come on out here. Come out here with me and everyone was like, what? I'm like, yeah, they want you to come out. They didn't want them to come out. - Oh, okay, nice move. - It was just me. And then I said, everyone line up. I took a handful of all their, I said, and I said, turn around and take your hair down. And everyone was like, what? I'm like, do you want this part or not? This is what they told me. - Yeah. - Then I grabbed all of their hairs and bunches and then they said, okay, and action. And I ripped them all down to the stage. - Wow. - And then I said, what have you spit it out? - Well, I got a little bit shy, which was weird because I made that big moment. I made that big thing happen. And then everyone honestly was pretty stunned. It really was not cool. And I sort of went silent. And everyone was on the ground going, oh my god. Like, why did you do that? I'm hurt. I'm hurt. - Yeah, I've hurt. What's wrong with you? And I thought to myself, what is wrong with me? - Yeah, I get to look inside. - But then I went into what would Tina Mishanas do here? So I kicked them all. I kicked them all, kicked them with my legs. And then I said, Tina Mishana's rules. (laughing) And I got the part. - And if you're unfamiliar with Tina Mishana's, I've talked about her a few times on the plot. I went to high school with her. One time she went to borrow my math homework, but instead she was actually copying it. - That's no problem. - And then the teacher came, ripped it up, I cried. It was terrible. I got detention like the only time ever in five years that I got detention in high school. - Right. - But we like to chat about her. She's not, it's not her last name anymore, but so I feel we have full ownership of it. - We absolutely do not. A solo ownership of it. It is inappropriate, but the thing is, she's probably a really nice person, Brian. People grow up from high school. I definitely was trying to get people's answers to. Okay, and look at me, I'm a fine woman. I had the liberty of seeing it last weekend. You were stunning, you were amazing. You were probably gonna win one of those awards in a Tony. - A Tony. - You're probably gonna win a Tony. Can you give us a little bit of your, I think the biggest song is called "Cherry Blasters" in me. - Yeah. - So can you give us a little snippet of "Cherry Blasters" in me? - Oh. - Just a little bit. Even of like one line. - Really? - Yeah, just a little bit like, "Cherry." - I don't want you to do it. Something you're not on stage because that was pretty bad. - I'm a big fan. - Oh my god. - I'm sorry. - Okay. ♪ Cherry Blasters and me ♪ ♪ In the bathroom Tina ♪ ♪ Cherry Blasters and me ♪ ♪ If you don't watch what I'm gonna mean yo ♪ ♪ With my cherries, cherries, cherries ♪ ♪ I'm gonna bless your blaster, blaster ♪ (clapping) - Well anyway, it's all Broadway. I think it's on. - Sorry, you're not saying anything. All you did was do a couple claps. You said, you said, could you give us a little, and then you said anyway? - I'm sorry. - Are you gonna say anything about the performance? I don't really understand what this interview is. - I'm sorry. - That's okay. - That was absolutely amazing. You're gonna win the Tony. Fuck off everyone else. - Cherry's gonna bless you! (laughing) - Yeah, like, move out of the way. Marl Street and Kate Winslet. - Yeah. - Whoever is on Broadway. - Just going. - I don't know. - Not sure, but probably you're not gonna get out of the way. - Rebecca Black, they're not gonna win. - Yeah, I don't get out of the way. So I'm so excited for you. So anyway, it's all Broadway. It's called Tina Moshana's My Life, My Legacy, starring Amy Goodmerfee. - Now listen, I gotta go back for a second. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Brian, who joined your jam? - We don't know. - Who's-- - If you're listening. - Yeah. - Come forward. - Tell them, Brian. - If you're listening right now and you did that to me at the gym, come forth. - If you're paying for our Patreon and you're looking at him through this camera lens, he is telling you now, and now so am I. Come forward, reveal yourself. - reveal yourself. Here's my problem. I think it was some random because I told my friend Leslie this and she said that she used to go to just like places and air drop everyone a photo of bride of Chuckie. - Okay, that's, yes, I know that is. Why? - Why? - Should we do that just to like fucking-- - For herself. - Yeah, just to like see people's reactions. - Okay. - So I feel like this person, I don't think they did it to a lot of people because no one else was snicker and no one else was looking at their phone having a time. Only me. - Yeah. - But this person never fast up to it. And here's the thing to you, if you're gonna do that to a friend, the fun part is, (screams) I have been like the whole, I got you, man. So just to do it and not have that, it's kind of like, I feel wasted. - Was it, was the word a slur for a male upiness? - No. - It was, what was it? (upbeat music) - It was a very bad word. I'm not gonna say it. Anyway, if it was you, please go for it because I haven't slept in three days. - He hasn't slept. And don't be sending songs like that. You sick bastard now that I realized what the name was. What the hell's wrong with you, piece of shit? - I know, I know. - You're a bit of a piece of shit, I have to be honest. - Yeah. - You don't be sending songs like that with that title. Think about it for yourself. I'm not gonna fucking even go near that. - All right, what's new, baby? - Well, listen, speaking of anger, I've had a lot of road rage over here. - Oh no! - I got a lot of beeps going. It's not back fully. - Okay. - I did have to go, okay. But damn it, Brian, no one knows how to drive. How are they getting their licenses? They're going over the line and almost killing me. - Why don't drive anymore, baby? - They're screaming on their brakes set of nowhere almost killing me. - I was passing it everybody. - Listen, exactly, but you've taken yourself off the road. - Yes, I'm a responsible 48 year old adult that knows I probably shouldn't be out there. It's just gonna get worse. So hey, Uber take me away. ♪ Closer to heaven above and closer to you ♪ - Oh, see that team? Wow, wow, wow. - Okay, good. - Now I'm getting there. - Well, I'm thank you for the response I actually deserve. Anyways, the other day I watched the driver, Jenny and I were driving and guess what, she didn't get mad at me because we were on the same page this time. So you know it got to be bad. This woman was driving all over the lanes. We were like, she was gonna kill somebody and then she was gonna make a right and there was a bike lane. And I said, right out loud, before she got there, she put her signal on and I was like, oh no, I'm like, she's gonna kill that cyclist. I'm like, she's gonna kill, she's gonna hit a cyclist and we're gonna have to watch that. Sure enough, she turns into a fucking cyclist because she does not shoulder check the bike lane. And the guy, so I am, so the brakes right before he smashes into her and he's like, what the hell? And then she takes off. - Oh. - I mean, she didn't hit him, so she didn't have to wait. But hopefully got our license and maybe give her like a But I didn't give her a bad report. Is that how it works? No, but I have to tell you something. All right. My dad the other day we were talking on the phone. It's something totally unrelated. He's traveling right now. We were talking about his trip. We was talking whenever and right before we got off the phone. We were not talking about driving or talking about anything. We hadn't talked about driving and I don't remember the last time. I don't our last time I drove him. He's usually driving me. Oh, yeah. Drive him as daisy. That's your daddy. He's my daddy. You drive daddy. Daddy take me to McDonald's drive me. I want a fluke. Daddy. Daddy. I want daddy. Daddy girl he wants fries. A little baby wants fries. Do you know that the other day on who wants to be in the middle of the air? One of the questions was do you know the only McDonald burger that has half of a piece of cheese on it and Brian knew it. I know. Play. It is. Play a fish. I made a lot of those in my five years of working there. So this guy knew that too. Brian, how do I know that? Do you enjoy a nice play of fish? Well, you know what? I'm not a play of a fish girl, but if you order it by accident for me, I'm not going to be mad about it. Okay. I'm going to have it. I'll go have it. And I guess at some point I've opened it up and looked at the cheese. I don't know. This little happy is the creamy tartar sauce. Oh. Maybe I do want it. Back to my dad. At the end of the conversation, he goes, "Hey, I'm like, yeah." And he goes, "Hey, I'm, uh, you really got to work on your road rage." And I was like, pardon me. And he goes, "I'm just saying take it with the grain of salt, but you know, there's crazy guys out there." And you never know who you're dealing with. I just want you to really work on that, okay? And I was like, "Okay, daddy." Daddy. Daddy, why are you saying that out of nowhere? Who have you been talking to? And then the next day I was talking to my brother Kevin and he said, I was in the car and he goes, "Oh, no honks today." Oh. And then I said, "Oh, really? Shut the hell up." Shut the hell up. A little passive aggressive. Exactly. I'll take your children away from you. Do you like your kids? Yeah. Do you like your wife? Do you like her? Because I'll make it so that she thinks you've done something fucked. And I will spread that rumor so fucking hard and quick. Let's go. So yeah, there's no beeps today. Do you know that I was driving with this lady right here and her partner last week and a situation happened where this wound I think was like, she pulled into the merge lane or something like that. Remember she was doing something? I can't remember. And you were like, "What?" And then your partner was also agree with you. She was like, "What is happening?" She agreed with you. So. You saw. I saw it in real life. Do you mean are you okay back there, Brian? Well, I wanted to make sure you were okay. And I was fine. I honestly was fine because that woman was a stupid bitch and she was in the merge lane. She shouldn't have been. Okay. Well, I asked her news from Hollywood. From Hollywood? Yeah, D. [Music] Oh. You heard of Olivia Rodrigo? Yeah. That's her name, right? The singer girl? I think so. Oh. I think so. Oh. Yeah. The singer girl? So I took me a second. I was like, is it Rodriguez? I can't remember. Yes, she has like dropped it. I think it's her newest single, but she had that driver's license, which was their big hit, you know? How to go? You go. D. [Music] I guess you didn't mean what you wrote and that's not about me. [Music] You said forever now I drive along past your street. I love this song. It's pretty song. I didn't know it was called driver's license. Yes, that's Olivia Rodrigo. So apparently she said, she told, I think she's done a podcast recently. What are? Olivia, come on. Come on, get on here Olivia. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. I didn't know if it was Rodriguez or Rodrigo. It's come on. It's her cares. I don't care. I still love you. She said though that when she does her shows that people who are in the front row a lot of times wear diapers because they don't want to have to go to the washroom and lose their spot. Like if it's not seeing if it's like standing or mulling because they go to the washroom other people behind will like, smush forward and then it's going to be hard to get your spot again. Wow. So people wear diapers and they just number one and two and she says she knows this because she can smell it. No Ryan. No. She said it up the podcast which is up there. She's been at shows where she goes, oh, okay. Yeah. That little guy is screaming at me right now. That girl crying wanting me to sign her, you know, chest whatever. She's crapped her pants. There's crap in there. There is feces in her diaper and she is a 21 year old girl. But she's watching this. Yeah. Thank you. I love you. And she's like. A different. Just plug in her nose. If you're a patriarch, your name is doing a nice, really good impression. Hey. Brian. I mean, I don't want to judge, okay? But damn. Wow. They want their spot. They want to get right up there. What are they going to do? Where's it going to go? How long is the show that you can't hold it for like two hours? Who listen? P I get. Yeah. You had to defecate so bad. You can't hold your shoe. If you can't hold your shoe, you can't be in the front row. That's right. And if you know the show is that night, you know, maybe eat accordingly that day. Sit on that throne before the show until you get it out. Maybe get, maybe don't drink a whole lot of water so you get stuffed up. Like maybe make your soul constipated. Make a little to do this and make sure you obey it. Exactly. Don't be taking men to musul. Come on, men. Use those monsters. Come on. Oh, we got you so many times. That's so many times. I'm going to be regular. I'm going to be a big fan of one. Exactly. And don't be using, you know, if you've got an allergy, you can't for me. I couldn't have ice cream that day. No. Corn, no corn. No corn. Thank you. No tortillas chips for you that day. No sauces of any kind. No chips. Maybe either. And no vegetables. Maybe no meat. And probably no air. Yeah. So, and that's what would happen for me. But guess what? Who wouldn't be defecating in that crowd? Me. Imagine two at the moment that person is defecating and you lock eyes with her. Imagine you're singing drivers license, you're looking at her and you're like, yeah, I just in you're trying to hide that it's just coming out of you. And what a weird feeling. I mean, I put my pants once. I guess I kind of do know the feeling. But I wasn't wearing a pamper that kept it all in. It just kind of went down. I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about it. Stop talking about that. I'm sorry, but that was a long time ago. Well listen, I can't believe she called her fans out like that. They're going to come for her. What's in the Olivia Rodrigo fan called? Hold for Google in. They're called livis. I love that. Livia's, hey girl, are you a livy? Yeah, I'm a livy. Imagine I want to date with a guy and I'm like, okay, you know, it's her third date. I got to tell you something, Jay. He's like, what's up? I'm a livy. You? I'm a livy. That's what I'm saying. I'm a livy. I'm a livy. I have to tell you, I crap my pants at livy concerts. You made me imagine you're going to date, no picture of this. You're going on a date right now. It's our second date. I have expressed to you that I'm a huge Olivia Rodrigo fan and you got me tickets. Okay. The second or third date. Okay. And you surprise me with tickets. Okay. Because I couldn't get any, no, okay, I couldn't get off work. So you called my boss called in sick for me. Something I would do. Which I was really mad about because that's going to give me a trouble. But then you said, I know you're going to be mad. But I got you these tickets and then we go from there. All right. I know you're going to be mad. But I got you had to work today, babe. Brian. Oh my god. You're already calling me, babe. It's only our second. Look at this. Two front row tickets to Olivia Rodrigo tonight at Roger Zarena. Oh my goodness. Yes. Okay. Are you sure that's the front row? Absolutely. I know a guy. Okay. We just have to stop at shoppers. Drug and come on sponsor shoppers drug more. My hair. My hair. I love going there. I didn't even talk. I'm like, why am I calling there? If I need my pads and tampons, let me get them there. Exactly. I just have to stop at shoppers real quick. Okay. And I'm just going to get something for us. And it's what do you get? Don't worry about it. It's on me. Always at that time of the month, babe. Something like that. Okay. Then we go and then we're up in the front row and I say, you put it on. I didn't notice right? No, I haven't got it yet. It's in my bag. Okay. And then we go through security and the guy opposite and goes, okay. You the front row and I go, yeah. Something like that and I close it up. Yeah. And you're like, what the heck? And then we go in and we get to the front row and I go, hey. Yeah, what's up, man? Would you just have something for me? Sure. Pull down your pants. But this voice too. Yeah. What are you talking about? There's people looking at me. Yeah, just do it. And you think maybe I'm going to like do something for you. Oh, okay. And then I put a big diaper on you. And then I put a big diaper on me and I pull them up and I go. Now we don't have to go anywhere. Oh, babe. I'm just going to get another beer. No, watch this. No, stay safe. Watch. No, man. Yes, babe. I just hit my pants and I don't have to go anywhere. Go ahead. Just piss a little. No, I'm going to go get a beer. Just piss a little, Brian. Come on. What the hell? Why are you pushing it out so hard? Oh, you didn't really have to go. Oh, one or two. Both. And I don't hate it. Let's go. Yeah. Okay. I get it. Yeah. I would do that. I would do that for Eminem. Exactly. You know what? For Eminem. Definitely. Well, you might be a bit nervous and I'd be for I've been for Eminem several times. You know that. Brian, it's no question. You didn't want to come. I don't care if this is something. friend yesterday he said he that he had to tell people I love that for you. Oh it says not no one does that. And I said to him. I literally said to him. He's like 37 or something. I go on. No one says that anymore. And when they did I didn't like it then. Please stop doing it now. And I don't and guess what? News is in. Yeah. Breaking news. Don't like it now. Don't like it now. No. But people still say breaking news. Oh, that's fine. That's normal. That's cool. Oh, breaking news. Oh, breaking news. I love you. Just just in. So anyways, I took them away to my dad's cabin. He wasn't there, which was kind of nice. We could just had the whole place to ourselves. Love that for you. But guess what? There's a lake nearby. There's, you know, some hiking to do beach. There's things to do, Brian. Are there people at that lake? Yes. Okay. But I have to tell you something. Brian, it rained the whole time. Oh, I know. And we have been planning this for weeks and they'd never been up. Oh, so it was exciting. And he was so excited to keep sending me videos of him saying what he was excited about. Oh, I'm so getting breaks my heart. It's precious for your soul. It's for you. So excited. He loves me. Oh, he's, I'm there. Zia Amy because we're both Italian. So he, I'm the Zia anti and Italian. No. And so anyways, I like that. So he actually calls me Zia Amy. I'm like, well, hello. So I take them up. Brian. It's beautiful. We, I say, you know what? Let's go to the lake. Anyways, who wants to swim into the rain? Yeah. Everyone said no, except for little four year old. Okay. And I say, let's do this because I'm showing off, Brian. You're a great aunt. Right. You think I want to go seafood dips in the rain. See food tours dips in the lake. Oh, go on a rainy day. I say, let's go. I try to grant the year. Give her an to the year. I really think I was born to be an aunt. Yeah. I thought I was born to be a mother. A Zia. The nominees for Zia of the year are Alissa Milano. Shit. Penelope Cruz. Oh, I'm gonna plug out the wrong nationalities. All is that she Spanish. Amy, Amy Goodmurfie. Yes. And the winner of Zia of the year is. Please, please, please Amy Goodmurfie. Oh my god. Thank you. Thank you. So anyways, I took them up and we, and I said, and I, I was like, Hey, Serena, let's go because Nania had knee surgery. So she just came up to chill lounge, veg out, you know, saying. Yeah. And so she, she wasn't going swimming. And I said, we got here. Let's go. I got to go now because I got to show off. Yeah. I say, little rain never heard nobody. Serena told me to go to hell. Okay. She said, I know where you need to go. I said where she said to hell. Well, I don't know why she said that to me. And so she said, I'm not going. And I said, well, I am because I'm cool. So I ran and I wanted to show little boy because that's something my parents would do, especially my dad, both my parents, especially my dad. They say, don't be a little afraid. A little rain. You want to swim? Yeah. Get out there. Little rain never killed nobody. What's going to happen to you suck yonder? I don't think so. And then I thought, what's going to suck me? What else is going to suck me under? So that's another story. So I monster monsters things. Ogo Pogo in British Columbia. There's a thing called Ogo Pogo. I don't know. I don't know. It's way out of Canada. But in BC in our Okinaw and lakes area. This is very easy to say like, can't take an area. There's a legend that there is a literal Ogo Pogo, which like a big serpent that mysteriously lives in the lake. And I'm afraid of that Ogo Pogo, my whole fucking life. Oh, shit. So sometimes I think, what's in this like Ogey here? Is Ogey coming? Is he? He didn't. No, I don't think so. So I jump in because I told him cool. And it's cold, but I stayed in a little bit longer underneath the water. I thought, oh, fuck. As soon as I hit the water, I was like, swim farther. Amy, you're cool and you're showing off. That's right. So I did and I poked my head up and I said, whoa, it's cold. But who's coming? Little boy said me. I said, okay, little boy. Yeah. Where do you want me to be? You want me to be in there? So I got out. I thought we were going to jump together. He had a life jacket on. Oh, let's go. A little bit big, but it was small as when I could find it was something. And so he said, I want you to be in the water. And I thought, oh, fuck. All right. Do anything for you. Get into the cold water, dive in again. I go, okay, let's go. Come on, hyping them up. There's a video of me going, come on. Let's go screaming at him. You can do this. Come on, hyping up the free. And it is. It's working. He's like, he's so cute. He's like a little hyper, you know, guy. Yeah. And so he got the courage and he jumps in and I kind of catch him. And I think he's going to be like, you know, whatever. And he goes, oh, okay. I did you get out for wreaking out. I'm in my friend uploaded this video. I thought maybe she'd edit out the part where he screams. And my face is traumatized because he is freaking out. Flailing. I'm not in the best shape trying to get him up this fucking ladder. I'm like, somebody grab him up the line. Brian, he gets out the ladder. I say, buddy, you know, way to go. Your brave, you know, I'm traumatized though. He goes again. What? He goes again, smiling, now laughing, but, but also have traumatized. Okay. I say, okay, great. Let me get back in. And you sure, because that one was pretty fucking scary for all of us. And I didn't like it. Yeah. He goes again. Yeah. Okay. I get back in the water. I think maybe he's going to scream a little bit, but maybe laugh. I say, okay, let's go. I hate myself. I'm traumatized. He gets in again. As if I have thrown him in there and he didn't just do it. He wanted to go again. A third time. I said, no, he is getting out. Absolutely not. Get out of my get out of my F and way. I said, get out of here. Yeah. And then I said, we'll go to the beach. And if you want to go in there, we can do that. Okay. So anyways, we did go to the beach. He did not. I picked him up. I put him on a dock that was a floating dock. Okay. We make it to. Then we pretended to fish. He had a little fishing rod with a screw on the end. Oh, that's weird. So we just dropped down and then he could reel it back here. Yes. We pretended that there was fish. And then his mom threw rocks like they were jumping fish. Oh. Then we pretend that we were trying to get the fish. He loved that. About 30 minutes of that, Brian. Well, I think, okay. So you're the biggest PLT. Oh. No, no, Brian. It's not a PLT. We're not there yet. Oh, no, no. I was just telling a story about when we went there. Oh, oh, shit. You thought I was embarrassed. He partial PLT. He is not a PLT. You never say that about him. I love the idea of him like, give me the fuck out of here. Which I can relate to because I was a dramatic kid. Bloody. Yeah. Help me. Help me. Help me. Not, you know, not going dramatic, but I can imagine how cold it was. I don't like cold water at all. And then he comes out, you know, the last thing I would say again, he wanted to get it. It's the last thing I would say. He likes to traumatize himself. Oh, I don't know. They're going to have to figure that one out. Well, it's going to be interesting to find out how this young child ages. Well, I got to tell you something. Number one, best athlete I've ever seen in my life. He's four years old. I love that. Okay. I'm about scouting for him. Well, there's talks of, thank you for getting the Mitchley baseball team. Well, I won't have any time soon, but maybe in 15 years and looks like we got our first star athlete on the team. He might be on it. And number two, he's wearing a shirt that said you got a problem. Call my mom's D. I loved that. Oh, D. How you doing? No, I don't want to talk to you. Still drunk from last night. You went to babes on babes. Oh my god. Honestly, did you go to babes on babes? No, I didn't go to babes. I mean, there's nothing wrong with babes on babes, but I don't go out anymore. You know that. I know that. Yeah. And I'm not if D, D, D invited me, which is nice because I've been saying I want to be invited, but I don't want to go with you, D. I want to be invited to things that you and Ryan do. And then I want to be able to decline. If I want, which I always will, but I need to do invite me, but I don't want you. I don't want you to say, you know, she said how she said it. She goes, Hey, and you know what she said to me? She goes, Hey, stupid. Oh, fuck. I hate called me stupid. I'm your fucking boss. Yeah. And she goes, Hey, she goes, Hey, she goes, Hey, stupid. And I was like, don't do stop laughing. Stop laughing. I said, don't do that. Don't do that. And then she's and then she said, I wouldn't do that. And then she said, yeah, right. And then I was like, you're cruising, you're cruising right now for you. You know what? And then she goes, listen, how would I make it up to you? That's how she talked. Yeah. She goes, how would I make it up to you? It's my best D impression. How would I make it up to you? And you come to babes on babes with me and a couple girls, couple girlies. Yeah. I said, how old are those girls? D. She said, I don't know. And I said, D how old are the girls? Yeah. She said 176. And once 22. Oh, wow. And I said, and I said, what the fuck is that? She said, I can't help who's attracted to me. And then she said, I saw you look it. And then I slapped her. Good mid sentence. I did. Yeah. And then you know what she did after I did it. What's that? She went, she did a kiss in the air. So D you're sick, you're cruising and you're walking a thin line. And also stop trying to follow me on Instagram. I'm not going to follow you back. I'm one fucking step away from blocking your fucking ass. I thought you guys were friends. I don't want her to follow me on Instagram. Okay. Yeah. I think it's time for diary, whatever it's called. Oh, yes. Oh, boy. And I wonder if he noticed me. He took my breath away. Monday, May 7th, 2007. Yes. This is real too. I booked my first speaking role on a TV series. I booked a part of spa assistant on a USA network show called Psych. I'm so happy. I'm going to walk away with this with 600 to 700 dollars. This one. That's it. Yeah. 2007. This gig will help me pay for my trip. John is so excited to go pause a weird guy to set up my bar and had a grand marny on the rocks. I'm clearly writing that work. He was such a character. He works for or runs an interior store in town. He gave me his card. I was put off by him at first, but I have to learn to really take these people in. I can use them in in my comedy and acting. You learned to take these people in. What's an interior store? - I don't know. I guess like-- - Interior like decorating or-- - Oh no, that makes sense. I don't know either. - Are you sure? - Yeah, who cares? I probably didn't know what I was talking about. Clay is out back smoking. He was my coworker, other bartender, friend, lover, GLT or not lover. I'm still addicted to scratch and wins. I won $25 off $15 card. So I bought five more than I won $25 again. So I bought five more than I won $15. So I bought three more than I won $5. So I bought one more and then I won $5. And that's why I am right now. What a great story, Ryan. - Ryan? (laughing) - It's so nice out right now. It was mixed weather at golf today. I think my cold has gone. Hooray! - You played golf? - I guess so. (laughing) - Okay. - This is the same. I'm just not going. - Mig called my acting coach. He wants me to run lines with him tomorrow. Hell no! I have guitar and I'm getting my hair done. - Sign Ryan's deal. (laughing) - Ryan, she booked. - She booked. - Ryan, I've seen that episode. - Yeah, that's on YouTube. - Yeah, you can, you put it up there. - Of course I did. - Yes, and Ryan. - It's my demo reel. - That's right. - That's what you were set again? - 2007. - Yes. (laughing) - I walked in front of a partner. They're like, oh, you look a little, when was this show? - I'm 19 years ago. - It doesn't matter. - It does not matter. - It doesn't matter. Can you do, did you look good and did you act well? - Yes. - Are you discriminating against my age right now? - Exactly. - Are you trying to tell me that's not me? 'Cause hey, maybe that's not you, you eat a little bitch. - Hey. - I couldn't say that though. - You didn't say that. - No, yeah. - 'Cause you wanna ruin your chances for anything. - No, no, no, no. - But the thing is, you did a really good job of that. - Thank you. - You really did. - It was, it was real. - Yeah. - And, Ryan, I have to tell you something. You absolutely were not golfing. I don't really understand that. I do not understand that. And secondly, Ryan, you were writing in your diary at work. - Yeah. - A lot. - She was writing anytime she could. And asking these guys, I didn't like to do it at home. I always keep myself busy, or there was something to watch, something to do. Maybe John wants to play. - Hey, don't say that. John's trying to play with other people. - Yeah, too many. - Listen, it's okay, but I can't wait for your up. - It's coming up 'cause we're in May now, and I think we go in like June or July. - Yeah. - Okay. - The drama is about to ensue. - Ryan, it's time for PLT Story. - My favorite part, D. (upbeat music) - You thought it was PLT Stories earlier, but it wasn't. This comes in from a male person. - Okay. - Would you like to name them? - Yes, but I was not prepared for this. - I apologize. - It's okay. Derek Fingercats. - Okay. - Derek Fingercat writes, "Hey guys, long time listener here. While writing this, I started remembering all the other ridiculous shit that I did in high school, so thanks for that, LOL." - Derek, did Derek not take a second to compliment us? - Derek? - I don't remember last week. They were like, "Will that any who?" - Yeah, Derek. - Big fan, love this whole time. - You're supposed to say big fan and then go, "Anyways." (laughing) - Derek says, "Mr Fingercat says, "I grew up in Victoria, BC, "and every candidate, me and all the other teenagers "would get drunk and make our way downtown "to hang out on the lawns of the Empress Hotel "and the Parliament buildings to watch the fireworks." A group of us were pre-drinking in a park downtown when I had to take a piss. I wandered over to a tree and got to it. I was almost done when I had to fart. I was far enough away from the others that I let it rip. And not only was it a loud one, but probably due to the combination of booze weed and dip smokes. - You know what dip is? Dip is when they put tobacco inside there. It's like chew and they go, "I have not heard that since long, but I do know it. "Yes." - So due to the combination of booze weed, dip smokes I had consumed, I shat my pants. We're talking a decent amount of diarrhea and I could feel it running down my leg. Brian, that's happened to you. And we're downtown early in the night, far away from my house and planning on staying there for the rest of the night. Thinking fast, I ducked into a bush and ripped off my shoes, pants, and boxers as fast as I could. I used the clean parts of the boxers to wipe off my ass and legs as fast I could and ditched my now shit covered underwear into the recesses of the bush. Somehow my pants appeared to be unsoiled. - Lucky guy. - And no one seemed to have noticed that I just took off my pants and boxers 30 feet away and frantically wiped my ass and legs with them. (laughing) Now came decision time. Should I bail and walk the 40 minutes home at 8 p.m. to avoid walking around with poop covered legs? Or should I try to pull it together for the rest of the night and hope no one smelled me? I still definitely had some dried poop on my legs inside my luckily loose pants. Of course I decided to risk it and stay out. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to maybe hook up with someone. - Oh well. - Never mind the fact that I just shat myself and no longer had underwear. Sans underwear, I walked back to my friends and pretended that nothing had happened. Somehow no one seemed to smell me. - Lucky guy. - After the park we headed to the old spaghetti factory. - Well classic. - He says in brackets the spag. To pick up one of our friends who was working there, I took the opportunity to duck in past the hostess and use the bathroom. After what felt like 30 minutes in there using up all of the toilet paper in the stall to wipe off every square inch of my ass and legs. I was reasonably confident that my deception would remain intact. I put my pants back on, found my friends who were somehow still waiting outside for me and continued to drink the rest of the night away with no one being the wiser. To this day I have no idea if anyone suspected anything. The end. - What a happy ending. - No one knew I thought at the very end someone was gonna go, "Guy, you've had shit on your legs, ass everywhere all night long. You just need to know that we know." - Or like somebody being like, "Oh my god, did you smell that?" Like someone around us like, "Smol, shit the whole time at the Olivia Rodrigo concert." - Yeah, exactly. Someone wreaks and we weren't even at the concert. So no one should be wreaking. - Yes, it's true. - Oh my god, Brian, I gotta tell you something. He really didn't wanna go home. - Well, that's the thought. I was gonna say that's the part that resonated with me. If I was at that crossroads, do I go back and risk it? Or do I go home? I probably would go home. 40 minutes is not a long walk. I could do that. - I gotta go, my mom's gotta come bit mom. - I need to shower immediately. - Something bad has happened. You know, at this point there's payphones. I gotta call someone. Mom, something bad has happened. You gotta get the mini van and come make me up. - They call the prime minister, the president. - Don't tell dad, don't tell dad. - Just you come. And don't tell Matt and Kevin, I can't. They can't, no. But mom, there's poo everywhere. That's all you need to know. Come get me. I don't think I could have gone the whole night. But they did and they pulled it off. - Well for us too, we probably wanted to excuse to leave. - We got to go home. - We were done. - Yeah, I already been having a couple brews. It's only eight o'clock. - I need to get in bed. - And for sure, I can understand the smokes. Not the dip. I could never do the dip once I tried. Once I put it in my ex-poison, you know, the hockey player. He was dipping all the time, it was disgusting. And I said, I wanna try something. He said, okay. And then I put a little bit of lukewarm water back on here. And then it's supposed to sit in there. And you're supposed to work up spit and spit it. - Okay. - It got all, it became a lukewarm. - All up and on over my all in my mouth. But I didn't like that. - Dip in teenagers. - It was disgusting. But anyways, I can relate to all that. - Yeah. - Yeah, wasn't feeling good. If I was feeling all that stuff and had poo all over me. I'm not walking with my friends. Where were we going to do next? Old spaghetti factory? - Exactly. - Absolutely not. - And like, he had to go use like a whole roll of toilet paper to clean himself up hours later. So for hours, he just had, you know, dry, I guess, brown stuff all over him. - I'm not judging him. I'm not judging Derek. Because Derek had the bravery to write in about this. And you know what, Derek? Fuck us, 'cause you got away with it. But you are absolutely the PLT. Only PLT and a massive one. (clapping) Thank you, Derek. - All right, I got a real new PLT story. So this one is not a personal PLT story, but I kind of know this person, right? So we got a new girl at the work. We got a new girl at the bar. She's great, I think I talked to her once. And Pride was coming up and she suddenly couldn't work. For some reason, you got hired for Pride Baby. You got to be all hands on deck. - We need you. - It's the biggest week of the year. So she goes up to my boss and she's like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, but like my dad's really sick." And I have to go and I have to go like, you know, be with him, like we don't know how it's gonna go, but the blow were really worried, really sad. So what does my boss do? Oh, obviously go. Like you take family- - Yeah, that's the way it is. - Family- - Family-erase first. Health is first, it's your father, of course go. So she goes, you know what happens in next couple days? - What? - Photo will start popping up on Instagram of her and her girlfriend in Mexico. (gasps) I'm not following this girl. I can even tell your her name right now to be honest. Like I said, a matter of once or twice. But kids at work who are working a lot more than I do at the place, maybe they followed her, maybe they've had some conversations, became friends, but they're loyal to my boss, you know what they did? They screenshot those photos and send it right to my boss. - She got caught. - She got caught in a lie with her lesbian, gal, out in Mexico, and also bad karma. Lying about your dad being sick. - That's bad. - That's bad. - That's quite young. Not young enough, no. And not young enough to be doing something like this thing can get away with it. So she, I don't know how it happened that she ended up talking to my boss again. I think he probably messaged her. I was like, maybe she showed her a photo and he was like, how's your dad? I'm assuming that. - Oh, oh. - My boss doesn't so if I got that wrong, I'm sorry. Needless to say, she don't work there no more. And she wasn't with us for pride. And so we did have to hire a couple new people week of pride, which is not ideal. - Wow. - Pride Sunday. Hi, I've been here one day. What can I get you? - Yeah, exactly. - Do you have the centip, I don't know. Happy pride. - So what happened when this person was confronted? - Well, I see that's the thing. I don't know exactly. I didn't get the details, but she did try to work there. She tried to, I think she apologized and was like, I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do. I did this trip book and I just really wanted to go and, hey, better look next time, babe. - She's not a bad person. She just made a pretty shitty mistake. - Yeah. - Okay, you live and you learn. - This is right. And you can't be putting that bad energy out there. You can't be saying something's wrong with your dad. You have to be with him. I know. And then what you're going to come back and I'm like, how's your dad? Oh, yeah. He's bad, actually. Actually, OK. Everything's good. He got through it. Brittle me that. And then everyone thinks it feels bad for you about your dad. Could have at least said that you are sick, not in a bad way. Just like, oh, I've got a bad flu or like, norwalk or something. Norwalk. You know what I mean? Of course. Like, because no one wants that. I don't want to spread it around. Exactly. You can't involve your dad. It's a time I run into an old friend of mine and she wanted to get me an appearance scheme for this hand cream. Yeah. And I lied to her about going to this convention things. I didn't want to go. And I couldn't just say, hey, this is fucking bullshit. I don't want to go. So I said, oh, my God, there's a family emergency. I have to go to Langley tonight. Yeah. I didn't need to go to Langley. No. I did not. But you know what happened that night? What? My sister in Australia, her dog died. Family emergency. Talk about karma. Because I lied. And so there was a family emergency when there wasn't. And then my sister's dog died. That's bad. So to this day, I know that death was my fault. Was your fault. Yes. You know. So when her dad, I'm not going to go there because that's-- Hey, what the hell? I'm not going to go there. No, that's not-- it's not always going to be the case. But you sure would feel bad if something not nice happened. Well anyway, little lady, you're the P.O.T. Like every episode we end with a game. And this week we're playing Queer Quiz. I'm running up. I want the luck to know. Got to let it show. I'm going to ask you some gay questions. And you better know the gay answers. I'm not gay, so I'll try. All right, number one, unheated rivalry. Who is Shane Hollander and love with? Played by the main character. Connor Story. What's his character's name? Something check, right? Russian. No, but I mean, like this last name have check in it. No. What's the first letter? Of the last name or first name? Rhovan Anov, something off. You got it? Right? Yeah, first name? Rhozanov. Yes. Oh, she-- you know what I love? I did it. You did it on your own. I did it. Ilya, Rhozanov. Of course I know that. Hard to want to start off with. Well, why do you do that? Because I'm crazy. Number two, this June star transitioned into the beautiful man he is today. Alliant Page. Correct. Correct. Oh my god, he's in shape. Oh my god, ripped. Rip looks amazing. Good for him. Number three, on what TV show would you find bisexual character? Eva Daniels. Hex. Give it to her. Give it to me. Give it to her. The confidence smirk that came on her face with him when that show came into her head. If you're on Patreon, it looks like this. Deezoom Infra-Zack. Thanks, Deezoom. Shut up. Number four, name four different countries that have a drag race franchise. Stop at UK, Canada, USA. [SIGHS] Stop it. It's like you're counting down. Oh, shit. Hang on, hang on. Just hang on. Brazil. Australia. Correct. [APPLAUSE] Jack of Brazil does. I was correct on both fronts. We were correct on both fronts. Brian didn't know. I took a risk asking that question. Exactly. It's OK. You knew what you knew. I knew what Australia. I was going to save France. OK. Number five. What handsome gay country star once lived in Vancouver and hit on me at 1181? Orville Peck. Correct. Wow. I thought that one might trick you. I think about it every time I see his Instagram. God, orville Peck hit on me once. I could have slept with him before he was Orville Peck. Yeah. And I denied him. And I made a big mistake. You made a huge mistake. I could be Ryan Peck. You could have been Ryan Peck. [LAUGHS] No. Number six. Who starred alongside Nathan Lane and Hank Azaria in the gay funny movie, The Bird Cage? Who starred? Rob Williams. Correct. It's no problem. No problem. Number seven. Which 80s TV show featuring four older women living together has the gay's love forever. What is the golden girl? This is correct. Jenny's favorite show. Oh god. Have I told you they're all over my algorithm lately on YouTube? When I go to bed? Which make kids match their pops. And then it's golden girls clips. Imagine being that iconic. You're not on there anymore. Are any of you-- 30 years later? Oh, more than that. 35 years later. I can hear them alive. No, they've all passed. They've all passed. Guess what's on at our house all the time. Golden girls. And also don't reboot it. Don't ever touch it. No, don't ever. Don't touch it. Don't even think about it. You're ruined it. Number eight. What famous lesbian starred alongside Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda in '95? Working, not two, five. She was also in Grayson Frankie. Is it true? And her name is-- Interest in the current. Tomlin. Correct. What's her first name? Starts with an L. Lily Tomlin. Yes. No, lots of the-- on Jeopardy, if you get the last name, you get it, right? Yeah, I got it. So who is Tomlin? Yeah. Number nine. Neil Patrick Harris. Homest actual. Hey. Don't say that. What starred as a young 16-year-old doctor on what TV show? Mr. Boogie Hauser. No. It's Doogie. You're a crazy bitch. You're one crazy bitch. I know it's Doogie. Number 10. What sketch comedy duo has produced characters such as Victoria, Shandy Bee, Mums of Ramayani, and a stoneed mom on a boat? Who are the Ryan Amy Show? The Ryan Steel Show. Both would be correct. I do know what you've won. I probably was 10 or 10. Deep. Oh my god. You got 10 or 10. You got a couple of those. I've been getting smarter. Wow. And I guess what? I guess I am gay. Whoa. So what I want. You've won four hours of non-stop on the West Emerton Mall roller coaster. No. Yes. They have a flood right now. Oh, well, you can go whenever you want. You can go next year if you want. OK. You've won. Some mustache remover. Yes. Yes. Yes. You've also won a third girlfriend named Penny. Is Jenny OK with it? Well, yeah. I don't know yet. She didn't ask her. So Penny's going to move in tonight. Oh. Is that OK? I'm not sure. I got to talk to her. Give me some time. Let me do us a photo of Penny. Yeah. Yeah, Penny can come. Penny can come. OK. You've also won any sexual desire to come true. Ryan. Yes. You've also won a box of erasers. OK. You've also won a-- You're just looking around to say things that I want tonight. You've also won a three-day cruise to Tafino, British Columbia, where you'll stay at the Jasmine Hotel, where you'll get woken up every day to yoga and brews. And if you're not black out by noon, they'll make sure you are. No, I don't like that. And finally, you have won-- Yoga and beer. Yes. Also, you have won two tickets to the PupiCare Festival, an Ottawa, Ontario, this December. Do I have a booth? Or am I just going as a patron? Both. Woo! [APPLAUSE] Bye. Bye. Why don't we forget to write those?