Pimping Podcast Producers | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

A hundred percent. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of Winter Bears. I am Chris DiStefano. This is Stabby Baby. We are taking over for Tom and Bert. Once again, we did the Summer Bears. We are reluctantly, begrudgingly doing it. We're trying to get the show off the rails. No, no, I'm doing it with a smile on my face. I'm just not trying at all. Yes. And people didn't really think we were trying by the end of last time. This will be worse. This is worse. We have maybe four talking points. We didn't prepare. It's early. I haven't had anything to eat. And then I had just more sugar. I'm literally crashing. I might fall into a diabetic coma. Yes, the Jets are currently beating the Ravens 7-0 in the moment right now. Yeah, it's going to be really funny when this comes out in like six months. They just have these in like a bank of like, if Bert has a heart attack, they'll put one of these out. You know what I mean? These aren't even anchored to any time. They're just like, whatever, man. We just need back. You never know when we might need a substitute episode. Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, Bert's been dead for a year and Leanne's just trying to get the money because she realized Bert screwed up the will. Yeah, they're trying to make it seem like they're not trying to announce his death until they can backdate really a huge life insurance policy on Bert. Yeah, yeah. Bert's. Actually, for real, I would be shocked if YMH. Which is not working on just AI podcasting. Where they can just plug all the stories Bert and Tom have told. Yeah. They're not even going to need us. You have no idea how low on the priority list. I respect that. this podcast is for Tom and Bert. I mean, literally, Tom opened up a croissant shop called like Gio Bamba's something. La La Bamba. It's like, means fat little boy in Italian. He said, I'd rather bake croissants than do the podcast. He has no experience. He has no expertise. No. Which is actually, I mean, it's here, it's in Venice, it's in Austin, so go check it out. But it is one of those. When did this start? Does he. I'm sorry, he lost weight and then got into pastries? Yeah. That doesn't even make sense. Yeah, I know. And here's another one. He lost weight without Ozempic, I believe. I don't know that that's true. That's true. Maybe it's not. I don't think that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did. If he didn't do Ozempic, he's on like adrenochrome. Right. Tom is on some shit that only rich people know about, for sure. Yeah. He just has an IV attached to a baby. He's getting stem cells directly from a fetus. It's actually going into a pregnant lady's fucking pussy. He's just getting the stem cells. There's having a slow motion abortion into his bloodstream. Yeah. I mean, it is fascinating how this podcast has just become. I mean, what. Literally, he's like, I'll do anything else. And maybe Christina was like, what about opening up a croissant shop? Like she did it as a bit. And he's like, you know what? Done. He's like, let's do it. Yes, done. Just croissants? Is that all they do? I'm interested in this. I think it's baked goods. It says right now they're at their fairground food hall below the Wells Fargo building. Wow. So if you guys are looking for a lot of, you know, I know you podcast fans are. They got killer focaccia, too. Oh, focaccia. I'm a big focaccia guy. Yes, if you guys are looking for an assassination attempt, you can want to go to the Wells Fargo building and go to the fairground food hall and just look for the guy in the poor Osos merch and the other guy that has no shirt on who looks like a croissant. I love focaccia. Oh, it's the best. If I had to rank my breads, we're going focaccia's probably number one, and then a nice sourdough, a crusty sourdough, and then a country loaf. Dude, focaccia is number one. And I'll never forget, I was literally sitting at Chateau O'Neill's bar once again in Mass with Queens. I was sitting there, all my boys were talking to my boy. I just banged like a 12. Yeah. And he had banged her the night before. We were all, you know, Sunday football. And a 12-year-old. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Remember, this is Islam. So we've converted. Yeah, you're right. Straight back to your Islam. I'm a gay Catholic. Exactly. Now we're talking. That's the common ground that Italians can come up with with Muslims? But I remember that our friend comes in and he banged this hot chick. Actually, that's not fair. I believe Afghan warlords also had a bunch of boys. Yes. Wasn't that a big thing? Troops would come back and they would talk about how weird it was that everyone they were talking to had boy slaves? But don't forget about the OGs. Your people, the Greeks, loved the boys back in the day. What you needed to do to get to philosophy, when your brain is working overtime, you don't have time to go out and court a woman. No. You have to bring a pliant boy over. No. Socrates said it. He said the way that he was able to get his thoughts was prepubescent cock. That's right. You would teach him a trigonometry and then suck him off. That was the Greek way. That's what it was. And by the way, you really retain information. 100%. If it's like, memorize this equation and you'll get your dick sucked, I would have been pretty good at geometry. Oh, yeah. Even if it was from, I guess I wouldn't have loved if it was like a bald-bearded guy. Right. I would have preferred to be a woman, but hey, whatever it is, it is. I mean, back in the day. Maybe I homeschooled my kid with a sex worker. 100%. I'm into it. And so this guy came in. Yeah, you're in Maspeth. We're in Maspeth. We're at the bar drinking. He comes in, bangs his hot chick. You know, we saw it. It's better than that before. It's great. And then he was like, yeah, dude, I was going down there. He goes, and then my boy was like, oh, yeah, really? What her pussy tastes like? And he went, her pussy tasted like focaccia. And we were like, what? She had a yeast infection. That's what I said. I was like, you should probably go to the hospital, dude, because that is made with yeast. Yeah. Yeah. A little sprig of rosemary on her clit. Oh, dude, but yes, a focaccia, man. You know, I love, so I like Tom's ideas here of just bacon bread. And this is following a trend of comedians. Our good friend Tom Papa gets into sourdough. It's been the old school. In fact, I wonder if Tom's pissed that, I wonder if Papa's pissed that Tom's coming in on his bread corner. Yeah. You know, he's going to get a very polite shakedown. Well, it is. It is a good trend for us here as comedians, because like a couple of years ago, the main thing to do was like you get, you know, successful in comedy and then you get into conspiracies and backing presidential candidates and all that stuff. At least now the big guys are just getting into bread. Bread. That's good. Nothing wrong with bread. Just getting a little bread. It's healthy. It's not hurting anybody. Like, so I do appreciate Tom. It's starting a new trend for successful guys getting into bread. Getting it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Papa's right there. He's like, need bread. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Tom is doing anything he can to hold on to the bread corner of the comedy community. I mean, I would be fucking pissed if I'm Papa. Yeah. And Segura's like, he's already got a vodka brand. It's like, what do you, what do you, you know. What else do you want? How much do you need, Tom? Yeah. It's like you have a Netflix show. You have arena tours. Now you got to take my small quotes. You're taking sourdough from Tom Papa? It's like, it's like, hello, Tom Papa. It's like, dude, I'm doing a. It's like, I'm doing a freaking serious show with Fortune Feimster. I'm trying to get that marriage ref money. That's right. That's right. That's right. And all I had, I was doing good selling freaking bread. Yeah. And now here you come. It's despicable, Tom. Come on. Get off my boy Papa's corner. Well, you know what? I'll save my focaccia. Well, how about this? There's a place in Baltimore that did a cheesesteak on focaccia. Marron. Mamma mia. And you would let the juices fucking sit. Dude, this is the fat math I would do. Like, you would, I would get the cheesesteak and I would let it sit like seven minutes. Just so the juices went into the focaccia. Yeah. And it got, it got just absolutely saturated with cheesesteak juice. But it was to the point where it was still crispy. And if you ate it before it got soggy, it was like fucking alchemy, dude. Beautiful. It was, it was, oh, I could write a poem about that cheesesteak. Dude, the, yeah, you're writing a haiku on a cheesesteak. I remember when I was 24, I was pissing all the time. And I was like, well, I got diabetes. It finally happened. And instead of going to the doctor, I went to that cheesesteak place and ordered two focaccia, two focaccia cheesesteaks and a fucking big ass thing of fries. And I was like, this is my final supper before I'm diagnosed with diabetes. Dude. And then I went and they were like, you don't have diabetes. I was like, really? And they're like, yeah, there's just something wrong with your fucking, something's wrong with my prostate. Yeah. They're like, you just have chlamydia. Well, dude, I had to go. So I went and there was like, something's off with my prostate. I don't know what. And they were like, the way we can figure this out is if, here's how they wanted to do it. This was insane. They put a tube up your ass. Okay. And they put a tube in your dick and they pump you full of water, of fluids to see where like, what can't retain the water. And I was like, you know what? I'll just, I'll just piss too much. I'll just piss the rest of my life every 45 minutes. I don't need like a Jamaican lady shoving a tube up my dick hole. Cause they also shoved the tube up my dick hole once to see what happened. I was, I was knocked out for it. Thank God. And they claimed there was a blockage in my cock, which doesn't, it doesn't make any sense to me. What's in your cock? I don't know. I had a little blockage there. It was a focaccia crumb. Well, I will admit when I saw Road Trip, you remember Road Trip? Sure. Where Stifler is, it's not Stifler, it's a different character. Yeah, yeah. That guy, what is it? Sean Patrick Austin? He's got three names for sure. Something like that. He's a good dude. And he's a classic. Yeah. And he's hilarious. Yeah. But in that show. William Scott. Sean William Scott. That's what it is. In that movie, remember the hot nurse puts fingers up his ass. Yeah. So I took a candle and put it up my ass trying to get, cause they, cause they made it so it seemed like you press a button and like just jizz pops out. Never had any success. It just kind of, I just, I was like, this kind of, I just had a candle up my ass and this doesn't feel good. Yeah. But I always wonder like, did I, did that candle up my ass fuck something up? Did I like root around too much and cause myself, did I fuck my prostate up? And that's why I've had to piss my whole life. And do you still feel like you actively have to piss all the time now? I do, but I'm also just older and fatter and I feel like, you know, I've gotten used to it. Yeah. You know, it's tough when you see it. When you see a movie, you have to, you have to, you know, I've thought, I've really seriously considered being in a movie theater and just pissing in my fucking soda. a cup sure but you know yeah or that's what you call you don't get caught with your little ass dick out pissing yeah first of all you don't want to get caught but then also imagine if they got a my dick is so small yeah you know what i mean especially when you when you're holding in a piss it like doesn't even come over the balls no no no i would have to like i would have to like push the fat down to get it over the lip of the cup yeah because i've had i've pissed driving too real problem oh yeah like i almost have to like tip my dick down right if i'm reclining it's like how a dog's penis disappears right my dick disappears if i'm like too relaxed yes and so the last thing i want is an usher at an amc to see my basically it's all foreskin yeah the actual organ has retreated you're not clipped no interesting i thought the greeks get clipped no they really don't oh wow that's how you've actually offended me well i'm sorry i'm a proud unclipped warrior wow i didn't i haven't bowed to the you know to the abrahamic faith agenda yes you you actually you know everyone in america is bowing to you want to talk about being racist but you're kind of doing what muslims and jews tell you to do that is true they're all clipped yes a proud eastern european yeah i don't i don't i haven't i haven't bowed i didn't i didn't take a need to tel aviv or mecca yeah i'm doing what i want i'm here taking talking all the shit meanwhile i was circumcised personally by the ottoman empire just they used a big simtar yeah is that what it's called a simtar i've been on stage calling it a scimitar no i've been adding an eye saying mom donnie has a scimitar and i love that that's it's your mom donnie bit where you needed to raise simtar yeah and mom donnie's like chris i actually like the bit but you're saying it wrong you're just you're proving how dumb you are yeah yeah you are i think he would like me though mom donnie even i think he would look at me and be like no but then i think after he got to know me i think he's a nice guy yeah i think he probably likes me literally he's a cool guy yeah you would like him he actually is cool yeah and um but you know with the with the prostate stuff so i actually also had to get not the tube in the front but the tube up the butt because this is a really cool thing to do and i think it's a i had went through a period of my life where i was just you know a little sexually promiscuous sure and i got chlamydia like too many times wow and so how many is too many i think it was like three times in a month or something like it was it was out of control what was going on i honestly don't know i really like to the doctor at was like you know this is we don't see this often so so but so you were just raw dog yeah i was strangers i was i was the way the way that you have described sometimes i like when you eat sometimes it's like to hurt yourself i was having unprotected sex to like hurt myself and i was finding women who also you know where they did not like themselves and we were just in this miserable sex fest where we were both like you know what the hell and we yeah and are you nutting any strangers there are a couple of times yeah yes yeah that's crazy yeah just nutting in a stranger you met in mass path queens a hundred percent fucking insane absolutely i'm a different guy now i've i've i've found the lord i'm i'm on the beam and in the program as we say in the history hyenas um i i'm different but back in these days you know eight you know ten years ago i mean i had a friend who would just yeah i couldn't believe it he was like any time he had sex with me he's like yeah i nut inside them yeah and i was like you don't like what if she gets pregnant he just didn't even he was like yeah i would be like i'll deal with that when it happens you know yeah i would kind of say like i have a catholic cross on my back and scripture on my arm i'm a soldier in the army of christ i'm protected by by the man saint peter is guiding the jizz outside of her fallopian tubes he's like he's up there on a cloud keep that catholic jizz away yes so i said you know and as jesus will not give you what you cannot handle and all these things right hey guys listen it's end of the year window where your whole body is like dude what have you done for me lately we all know i'm not waking up january 1st training for a triathlon i just want to feel a little slightly better than i did before and it isn't powered entirely by sugar and gravy and regret that's why i am grabbing these hule black addition uh protein these are literally functioning ready to eat meal drinks they are the greatest cheat code for pretending you have your life together i'm not chopping vegetables i'm not cooking just grabbing a bottle cracking it opening it boom and i'm making a healthy life 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mountain dew.com endless summer escapes start here travel the worlds of netflix irl inspired by fan favorites like stranger things and squid game brave the upside down face off with the front man play leveled up arcade games shop exclusive merch and enjoy themed food and drinks beat the heat play eat and shop on repeat at netflix house at galleria dallas bring your cruise ship to the top of the mountain dew to the top of the mountain dew get your tickets today at netflix.com slash house so but but anyway so i just you know it's dripping all the time and so they actually said like look we got to check your prostate i was like 27 years old or something like that and they were like we got to check out your prostate and i remember the nurse or nurse practitioner whoever she was like an old school russian lady and she was like you know they laid me on the table and she was like have you ever done this before and i was like uh no she's like okay baby this not gonna feel good and she goes but we have to do this check you're okay and then i remember as she was putting the tube like a real deal tube up here this is like well whatever the machine i don't know if it was a tube but it was like a it was like a machine that was that specifically was silicone fists exactly so yeah yeah you know to use to use to like check the prostate yeah she was doing it and she saw me like i was like laid on my side and i was like like this and she saw you go i mean oh and she she puts the dude over here she's like oh yeah yeah yeah i'm like opening my mouth she's like no no no no this is in your butt yeah you're putting your fingers in your mouth yeah i'm like can you choke me and so she's putting the the thing up my butt with her right hand and just petting my head with her left and you're nutting just yeah just calming me down i'm like smelling your fingers getting something up your ass and an affectionate pat it was crazy dude and she told me i'm just like i just felt so terrible for you also she's just and then but i was fine everything was fine um but i do and then when i was 17 i actually thought i had an s this is how you know stupid like i had had sex with one girl right it was that clear uneducated like catholic school my life and i thought i had aids full aids dude me too i got jerked off yeah and i was like i have an std sure and it was the first because i i was about to i was like seeing uh i had a college girlfriend and i was finally going to get to have sex i didn't fuck till college but before that i just like a girl a random girl like touched my dick at a random hookup that went horribly like i couldn't get hard i was like too drunk to get hard and nervous to get hard but i was like she's some dirty bitch she's got whatever was on her fingernails got into my dick hole and now i have fucking aids so i got like an std and they made me do the whole like in hindsight it's just like you're so stupid and uneducated about about sex i had to get the q-tip swab that's what i in the tip of the dick and it hurt so much and i was like and it's like the feeling, and it was so good. Dude, I just imagine you getting jerked off in the parking lot of Towson University on the outskirts of Baltimore. No, I never had luck at Towson, even though they were—apparently they were sluts, but it never worked out for me. I heard there were big-time whores there. And then Rutgers is the other one in New Jersey. They're called Slutgers, big STD school. Oh, Slutgers, okay. I went to St. Joe's. Of course, they're called St. Ho's. Beautiful. Beautiful, gorgeous. But yeah, I do—I got to be honest. It is now not—like, I'm 41 years old. And even though my life at times, of course, is chaotic, there's a degree of, as we said on the last episode, overwhelmingness that comes over me. But it is good to know that, like, you're with one woman, you're locked in with your family. Like, the calmness of not having to worry that you have an STD outweighs banging the chick. Yeah. And I had to live through that to find—like, this is—I like this. Who were these people giving you chlamydia? Do you remember? I— Do you remember, like, their demographics? Do you remember anything about them? I— Does it all run together? It all—I would say— You know, it was one of those things where, back in those days, I would—you know, I just started comedy. So I would assume I was having sex to—like, with the same kinds of women as the other comics were having sex in the New York City open mic scene. The drags of society. Exactly. Yes. Yes. Yes. The people whom, you know, you watch Headline Arenas now, who were sharing women back in those days. I don't know. You don't remember a single one? I was never able to pin down who or what. I just, you know, I just got it. But this—again, I was like— Because sometimes it's worth it. Right. Sometimes you get a type of head. Yeah. Like, I got some just tremendous head. And a girl texted me, and she was like, she had something weird. It was like scabies. What? It was like some kind of, like, dirty disease. Was she a pirate? Dude, it was insane. She's like, I had rickets. Yeah. She was like, I need some vitamin C. Yeah, I had— But scurvy? Can you look up what scabies is? I think it was scabies. But scabies, isn't it like—that's like a—like, scabies? It's a skin disease, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like lice? Is a scabies like a lice? Itchy skin caused by a tiny burrowing mite called—yes, she had a kind of—she had—she went to some kind of, like—she went to, like, a retreat in a yurt somewhere. Oh, my God. And they got scabies, and she was like— Are you banging a Mongolia? Is this— But she was great. I mean, I don't know what she's up to. I might hit her. Literally, she was so cool, hot, and the head and pussy were so good that I was like, scabies maybes. And I didn't have it. But, dude, it was also— It was a little before my special taping, so I'm like, am I going to do this special with scabies? Scabies, yeah. Am I going to have a fucking rash in my own life? Well, dude, do you know the Mark Norman story? No. So, dude, I have—we did our Comedy Central half-hour specials. We did it in Boston. In Boston, right? In, like, 2013 or 14. But anyway, Mark Norman—he's talked about this openly—did that special with full-blown, like, out-of-control Benjamin Franklin-level syphilis. What? And he had to take this medication— Pull up Mark Norman half-hour Comedy Central Presents. Look at how swollen his face is. When you look back, and then pull up that picture, look at Mark Norman's face. He's, like, having, like, a reaction to some kind—the medicine wasn't working. He had, like, a full-blown, like, medically—look at how fat and bloated his face is. Oh, my God. You're right. That's it. And he talks about how he just was, you know, like, out of—he was, like, in full syphilis, like, founding father-level condition. He does look like shit. Look at his face there. That's not what Mark looks like now. I mean, he was always—he was a little fatter back then, because I feel like he was hitting the booze harder. Right. But that is even another level. Like, he has a straight—like, that looks like a fat guy. No, he—because he has—he's having, like, some type of reaction to the penicillin given to him. That's crazy. Because he needed it, because he couldn't get through the set. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, so syphilis is, you know, that's a crazy one to get. Yeah, that's old school. Yeah, I'm not saying any private info. He's said it publicly before. Yeah, yeah. And even if you are— And also, even if I did, what would Mark give a shit? Fuck Mark. Even if you are, who cares? He's also, like, you were reformed—I bet he's a reformed raw dog. Oh, yeah, dude. New Orleans, dude, they were, like, scumbags down there. Yeah, so—but it is a nice—it is nice. I'm at the—where are you, 36? 36. Yeah. Well, can we talk about syphilis a little more before we move on? Yeah, please. Because doesn't it—I love that it also just makes you go insane. Yeah. So people would get syphilis and just go—like, didn't Al Capone go crazy off syphilis? Yes, Al Capone, Idi Amin. Idi Amin. They believe Nero and people in history. Because what it does actually—what syphilis actually does is, like, the disease, is it climbs up your spinal cord like a ladder, and it goes vertebrae by vertebrae and then starts eating at your brain. So a lot of the stuff in history now, they have, you know, educated guesses that when somebody would just snap and start to kill their people and crucify— they had syphilis. They was just eating their brain. Because those are the only people— Hitler was a good guy. He just had syphilis. I think he's the one example that didn't have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was, like— He was just on crystal meth. He had a little-ass dick. Yeah, that's what they say. He had a microdip. He was 15, too. Yeah, and he married his cousin or whatever. So, yeah, unfortunately, he's not a good guy, Chris. Well, back in the day, if you look into the past, I mean, dude, a lot of your good guys are not good guys. I mean, even Gandhi, dude, used to bang out his niece. No, no, no. Didn't he used to—he didn't use to bang her. Didn't he used to—he slept in bed with a child because he was like, I'm showing how strong I am. I'm resisting child abuse. Yeah, but— I know what you mean, but it's like, that's so funny that this guy that everyone talks about is, like, this moral— good stuff for India, obviously, but it's like, to him, the ultimate temptation was sleeping in bed with your fucking niece. That was like, you can't come up with something more tempting than that. Yeah, he was like, look, I would sleep in bed with her, and I would not touch her. Now, I would have one of my helpers push my dick into her ass. Yeah, they do it. Mormon. Yeah, the Mormon bed-shaking. He invented soaking. Yeah, I mean, of course, no one in history is a fucking—is good, but it's also funny that the— You're right, because the only people that got to fuck that much were, like, leaders. Yeah. So that's why they all got fucking syphilis. Yeah, dude, when you look back, you see it. It's, like, pretty clear as day because it's not that those diseases weren't there. They were. There just was no medication to treat it. And I think much like today, how, like, you know, everybody has that friend who, like, just tears through puss and never gets an STD. Those people existed back then. These guys would just tear through puss, but the one— Like, I would not have made it back in the day, because, I mean, I would have been taken out immediately. You would have been taken out by chlamydia. Right away, dude. I'm going insane. Oh, wow. Untreated chlamydia, your dick's going to be, like, puffing up like a baboon's ass. Oh, yeah. It's bad. You have, like, red balls. Yeah. Now it's good to know, like, anytime I feel any type of, like, pain and urination, I'm like, it's probably prostate cancer, which is—that's fine. That's fine. You're ready to go. Well, at least you don't have to deal with the shame of your family. Right, right, right, right, right, right. You know, that's how I look at it now. You would just clip your—you would just get that prostate taken out. Yeah, just get it taken out and deal with it, because I like—I'm feeling calm. I'm feeling calm. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I'm not going to sell my house. That's good, Chris. I'm glad. I'm glad you've changed your mind in a week's time. Yes. Yes. I've just been able to, you know, calm it down, breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth, box breathe, breathe in through my box, and just figure out what I'm doing, you know? Yeah. And what do you think that is? Well, I think what I'd like to do— What I'd like to do is I'd like to hold on as long as I can. Yeah. And then be ready when eventually my wife comes to me and says that, you know, it's over for her. Yeah. And then just have something lined up, you know, like an apartment or something lined up. Wait, did you have—there's the marriage—like, you're now going to get married. Have you gotten married? We have not gotten married yet, but I just do like saying my wife. I like preemptively kind of preparing for it. How are the wedding preparations going? So, so far— We were locked in on a venue, and then I very abruptly, like, you know, I had a bad hour, and I lost the deposit on that venue, and I said, we're not getting married there. We should pick a new venue. And so we put on a deposit—this is all true. We put in a deposit on another venue, and then I didn't like that one, and we're now back at the original venue. Wow. We've paid three deposits for the same venue. That's crazy. Yeah, so— What's going on, man? I just— Do you feel like you need control in your life? Is that what you're doing? Well, I feel like through therapy, what I've realized is, my father was a gambling addict, and guess what? So am I. Even though I just don't use cards. Right, right, right. I just don't bet on the VIG. Right, right, right. You know? Absolutely. I bet on other things, so— You never bet? You never touched gambling? No, no, no. That was my father's main thing to me growing up. He was like, I ruined my life with gambling, so you will not ruin your life with gambling. I don't even want you learning card games. I don't want you learning anything. And so I said, great. I'm not a gambling addict. I won't learn. And then as time has went on, I'm like, you know what, Dad? You should have just told me to gamble on sports, because now I just gamble on everything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gamble on things that are even more high stakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, sitting— Yeah, you were raw-dogging everyone you met for fucking 10 years. Yeah, because of you— Each nut was a roll of the dice. Yeah, exactly. And you're not winning anything. You're just not going to lose. Yeah, now I've lost my family, and I'm living in an apartment with AIDS. Yeah. You never—I guess sex probably was your addictive thing. Yeah, that was the addictive—because, I mean, I eat a lot, too, and I eat a lot of sweets, but I think I also then try to work it off or, like, shame myself so I can stop. But at the point in my life, it was like, yeah, it was like the sex or the compulsive just jerking off, like something was shame, shame, shame. And that all came from Catholicism, too. It was like, you're a bad boy. Of course. You're a dirty pig. I know. I mean, shout out to repressive religion, because the biggest freaks I've ever encountered are, like, ex-Mormons, ex, like, fundamental Christians, ex, like, strict Muslims. They've all been the biggest freaks, so salute to religion. Salute to religion. For kind of becoming the number one ho-academy out there. 100%. And I'm— also a new development with me is I'm also back in with Catholicism. I've started going back to church, bringing the family back to church, but we're going in a more healthy way now where it's like, I'm not going to scold myself and have to like, you know, go jerk off in the parking lot if I miss a Sunday. Sure. What do you think of the new Pope? I had an absolute iconic summer moment and I figured what better time than to share it with my Mountain Dew read because iconic summer moments deserve an iconic drink. It's Mountain Dew, an American original. Today I'm driving down I-75. It's pouring rain. I have my windows down. I had just gotten out of a truck stop and I'm drinking a Mountain Dew in the rain in Atlanta. That smell, if you know that smell of rain on a hot street. And I thought there's no way they thought of this back in 48. 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Brave the upside down. Face off with the front man. Play leveled up arcade games. Shop exclusive merch and enjoy themed food and drinks. Beat the heat. Play, eat, and shop on repeat. at Netflix house at Galleria Dallas. Bring your crew and save. Get your tickets today at netflix.com slash house. I do like. Is he too woke for you? No, no. Well, he is a little woke, but the fact that he's an American guy from Chicago and probably most likely has mafia ties. Pope Leo is actually is kind of cool. I like him and I like that he looks exactly like our good friend Lenny Marcus. You're so right. He does look like Lenny Marcus. Yeah, so I like, I like the Pope. I actually, to be honest with you, I haven't really been much on social media and the internet, so I don't really know what's going on. I mean, I don't. He really does look like the Pope. That's so fucking funny. Exactly. So I don't, I don't really know much about him. I mean, what do you think of him? You like him? I mean, look, he's, as far as Popes go, he seems pretty good. I mean, he had lunch with some trans women recently. He also talked about how ice, he's unchristian and like, we should be helping our neighbors. And it's like, you know, just because people are refugees doesn't mean you're allowed to treat that. You just snatched him up off the streets. When he said that, that made my friends kind of head spin because they were like, wait, what? The Pope said what we're doing ain't good? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is funny because, you know, he is really, there are certain people who will choose Trump over the Pope, which is so fucking funny. You know, there's like some kind of types of Protestants that are like, no, we must follow Donald Trump. Yes. A pious man. Yes. But it is really, it is, he has been interesting, it's kind of like the way that the last Pope basically said like, hey, if you're gay, you might not go to hell. Like that was the big thing. And they're like, this guy's too, whatever. Yeah. I'm interested in this guy, Chicago guy, you know. Yeah. We'll see. I like a woke Pope personally. I think, you know, gay people, obviously the church should be accepting of gay people. I think it's fucking stupid to quote like Leviticus and shit. It's like the same shit tells you, you can't eat shrimp or wear fucking cotton polyester blends. It's like, the same, the same ones tell you you're not allowed to fuck people in the ass. Right. Unless you're wearing like a fucking pure wool. Yeah. And never eating fucking shrimp and keeping kosher and whatever the fuck it tells you to do. Yeah. Lay off gay guys. Listen, dude, I'm all good with the Pope. I just hope that he just, just, I'd like our people like this to just kind of stay in the media, like just do the homilies, just do church, just do like. Shut up and dribble. The morning news, shut up and dribble. Shut up and dribble for the Pope. I really, I just don't want to see you doing a live podcast at the Chicago theater. I know that you want to talk to the youth, but I really, I don't need, I don't, I wouldn't like, I don't want to see you on flagrant. I don't want to deal with the Pope on fucking Theo's podcast. I'd like that to stop. I like all that to stop. I know that we have podcasts. You say that Theo, I would like to see talk to the Pope. Dude, is it, I just saw a meme today that Theo's dating like the mom of like the quarterback at Vanderbilt or something. Is that, did you see that? I knew that he was trying to fuck her, which. Oh, I don't know if it's real or not then. Maybe it's not. He was, he was, Theo was literally like hollering at this kid's mom. Great. Who is a dime. She's a dime piece. And the kid's awesome and Vanderbilt's good. And you know, Theo's in, it would, it would be a very beautiful Tennessee love story. Right, right. It would be, it would be very, and Theo could use a good woman in his life. Yes, yes. Yeah. I, I just saw, I see things late, not being on the internet now and like never going on social media. It's like, I feel like, you know, I'm in like a third world country when they get a movie that's been out like for five years. They're like, look at it. It we have the hangover. Like, uh, I feel that like a lot of times I'll bring something up and you're like, yeah, that happened six months ago. Yeah. Well, we don't need, who gives a fuck? Who cares about, I like, I like that too. I, I think the hap, you're much happier in like third world countries. I think like Greece, I think about how much fun it was to go over there. They don't know what the fuck's going on. We're watching what you just said. I remember watching Dunkirk. Yeah. The theaters in Greece in the summer, they're outdoors. It's like a movie theater. You're smoking, you're having fucking sunflower seeds. One of the best memories of my life is just pulling a weed pen, eating fucking oregano potato chips and watching Dunkirk. Oh yeah. Outside. It was fucking awesome. Just getting horny to Tom Hardy's voice in a, those lips, those beautiful lips. Oh yeah. They should have figured out a way to show those lips off. I know. Tom Hardy needs to be the new RoboCop. Dude, Tom Hardy's gay too. He used to be gay, I believe. Oh, now he's bad. He's, I saw an interview where he was like, yeah, when I was a kid, I sucked a little dick. Right. But that's childish behavior. Yeah. That's childish behavior. Yeah. That's Tom Hardy. I would say. He was a piece of ass too. He was like a little twink. He is my favorite actor. Tom Hardy is my guy. Any type of, so Tom Hardy is the only actor for me personally, if he's in a movie or a TV show, I watch it specifically for him. I don't, no other actor or actress really has that power over me personally, but Tom Hardy, like, like the show Mobland, which I, I love that show. I only watch it cause he was in it. I'm excited to see it. It was good and bad. I thought it was great. It looks like trash, but with great actors. Yes. I'd put it up there with bad thoughts on Netflix. Yeah. It's just as, I mean, yeah, it has just as impressive a cast. Yes. Yeah. Maybe, you know, yeah. Bad thoughts. Pierce Brosnan, Tom Hardy and Helen Mirren. By the way, you want to talk about a piece of ass. Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren. Oh yeah. Back in the day. I mean, to this day, one of the hottest old ladies I've ever seen. My go-to is I like Jamie Lee Curtis. Yeah. I like her and I still, I still take her to this day. Masturbate to her dancing and true lies. True lies. Uh, you see her tits in, um, uh, trading places. Oh yeah. That was an early pair of breasts that I saw as a child. I love those. And they're, they stay, they've stayed with me. I mean, she's, yeah, she. Sometimes I still snap off a little bit to Dolly Parton. Sure. Yeah. Sure. You want to, again, young Dolly, great stuff. Love her. And really did a lot for the humongous tits community. Yes. There was not really a mainstream celebrity with really over the top, huge tits. Right. And she really was one of the first. Yeah. So she's a pioneer in that sense. She's a pioneer in gigantic tits. Yeah. That's good. I mean, look at, I mean, come on. I mean, respect. Absolute bass. And by the way, of course she had gigantic tits, but also a pioneer in country music, Chris. Yes, she is. Incredible singer. Obviously let's lead with her talents. Yeah. And also, but yes, as a, as a youth, had I seen her breasts before I had heard her music? A hundred percent. Yes, I had. I'd like to play her tits like bongos. It really was a thing as a kid where I was like, whoa, this is awesome. Yeah. Someone can have tits this big. Yeah. And then Elvira. Yeah. I remember seeing Elvira as a little kid. Sure. Cause she did some kind of weird, she'd be on like maybe Nick at night or some shit. And I was like, what the hell's going on here? Yeah. Just a little remembering getting horny as a child. Yeah. I like that. We're taking a little detour to get horny as a child. To get horned up. And that, you know, that brings me to our next point of maybe we should pull a page out of Tom and Bert's book and groom a girl and get her on OnlyFans. Yeah. What the fuck was going on with that? Dude, I think that they were onto something, except I think they picked the wrong guy. Let's get Benson Spoon. Let's take Benson Spoon. Oh, you think we should turn out Benson? Yes. Turn out Benson Spoon and say, you know what? Let's get you to the next level. Let's sell that boy pussy Benson. Exactly. On OnlyFans. Get Spoon out there. You're right. Cause look, right now he's Benson Spoon, but let's make him fake Benson Boone. Yes. Let's let people who want to fuck Benson Boone. All right. We'll get Benson Spoon. We'll get him on. I'll give him some of my Zapp bound. Yeah. All right. He'll lose the extra couple of pounds he's got. We'll get him on. We'll get him Tom's trainer. Yes. We'll get him a, a jumpsuit. We'll get him doing backflip. I'll get him a Siberian Husky to get his cardio in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He'll start backflipping on like repressed gay Mormon businessmen. Yes. Who want to actually fuck real Benson Boone. Yes. And we take a cut of every, every load he takes. We get a piece of that. Exactly. And I think that, and that's the future. And that's, and that's what I think. So the guys had a good idea. Right. But it wasn't executed properly. And, and they didn't look at with the talent they had in house. - In house. - You know? He can definitely pimp out Benson Spoon. A hundred percent. So I think Benson Spoon's the guy, and then he's our horse, and maybe we even get him in there with a horse, and we get on OnlyFans, and this is the idea. So what we do here on Winter Bears is we take some of the ideas that the guys had, because you can't deny Tom and Bert's success. It's next level. So they obviously have amazing ideas, but they sometimes miss the mark just a little bit, and we're here to help them get the bullseye, and the bullseye is Benson Spoon's open asshole on OnlyFans. Yeah, well, I'm not just talking OnlyFans. We do need to do in-person meetups. So you think, yeah. I want old-school pimping. Yes. I want to really work. That's how you really got to break your podcast producer down. Yeah. You make him suck dick for money as well. Right. It's not enough to clip stuff up. It's like I have a businessman from Japan who wants to fuck Benson Boone. You're going to go in there. You're going to put on a sequin jumpsuit. You're going to try your best to do a backflip. We've got to get him in gymnastics classes. Yes, yes. He's got to start doing backflips. My daughter's in gymnastics. You can come with her. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, and then you'll fucking suck off Mr. Izumaka. Right. And then we'll all go out for sashimi afterwards. He'll pay us $2,000. Yeah. You'll get $200 of that, Benson. So it helps you. It helps you. In order, in an effort to keep costs of living down, and we're going to move this operation, because it's now moving into full-blown prostitution, we're going to move this operation to Detroit. Yeah. We're going to downtown on Detroit where pimp is. Why don't we go to Nevada where it's legal? Yeah. You know, right next to the Bunny Ranch. Yeah. We'll do the fucking Boy Pussy Ranch. Yeah. We'll do the- Yes. How about this? Oh, maybe we just- The Bussy Ranch. The Bussy Ranch. Yeah. We'll do the Bussy Ranch, and maybe we're overthinking this. Instead of- We'll just do- We'll pimp out podcast producers. Yes. You know? Everyone's going to suck. We'll have eldest sucking guys off. Eldest sucking guys off. Homeless pimp sucking guys off. Homeless. Homeless pimp. He's got the name already. And he's like the alternative one. He's got the cute pants. Yes. You know? The glasses. We got my guy who works with me, Steve Ciccone-Ricerone. He's a little guy, so he's good for- Ooh, a little spinner. A little fetish guy. If you've got a small dick- Yes. We'll put him in a diaper. Yes. Yeah. He'll have a rattle. Right. He'll say goo-goo-ga-ga while he sucks your dick. 100%. The producer of History Hyenas, Jesse Scaturo, he's into sculpting, and he's more of an artiste, so a little more highbrow. He'll kind of get banged out and then sculpt the man's penis while he's laying there in a pool of his own jizz. We can get this. We could get good old Jamie, Joe Rogan's Jamie. That's high. That's a big ticket item. That's the big one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to fuck Jamie, that'll cost you a million dollars. Like, to fuck Jamie is like, now that's like Prince Andrew. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you know like these loser tech AI guys? Oh, yeah. They would love to fuck a podcast producer. 100%. Sam Altman just- He's coming in. Yeah. Yeah, and just blowing a load all over Jamie. Yeah. Big dog. Yeah. Yeah. This is a good idea, man. Yeah, I think so. So again, I think the guys were onto something here. And let's not forget, look, we can't forget Eddie. He's also going to get his ass fucked, too. 100%. He's in there. Yes. You know, he's- Good old Eddie, yeah. Somebody wants a little caramel prick, you know what I mean? That's what it is, yeah. Like that, yeah. He's trying to go, he's trying to sneak away from the camera. Yeah, yeah. He's at the far end of the frame. It's all fun and games until you make a black guy gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like, no, no, fuck that, dude. My community don't fuck with that. That's your white boy shit. Yeah. This is absolutely white boy coded. These are white boy riffs if I've ever heard them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is white people shit. Talking about pimping out your male friends as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's true, you know? I want, I think pimping, you know, let's make it a man, let's make it intergender. Yes. That way, you know, women pimp out women. Women, men pimp out men, you know. Yeah, yeah. Kind of ancient Greek about it. And to be honest, New York City might be the spot for it because Mom Donnie wants to legalize prostitution. So that could work for us in a big way. Sure, yeah, that's true. We can keep my apartment in Queens and that can be the flop house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone can come in. One room is the podcast room, the other room is, well, actually, here's what we do. We put a glory hole that leads directly to the producer's booth. So they can, they can at the same time suck dick while they're editing a fucking episode. Make it easy for them. Yeah. Get a sponsor. It's all sponsored by Liquid Death. We'll need a lube sponsor. Yes. Yeah. So this is an actual viable operation because what, this is what, you know, where people are getting bored with just the podcast, people are getting bored with just the standup. Right. So if you have, you know, simultaneously your producers in a prostitution ring. Right. Against their will. Against their will. That's big. That's, but we have cameras on that. Right. Then the fan will say, you know what? Maybe I'll do it. Then the fan will join your Patreon. Yeah. And yeah, we'll put the glory hole dick sucks behind the paywall too. Yes. Which is this, you know, it's capitalism. And that's the way we, that's using every part of the buffalo. Yes. We charge the guy to get his dick sucked. We charge other guys to watch the guy get his dick sucked. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. Now we got to do this. It's rubbing, just being in this studio, business is rubbing off on me. Yes. You do become a businessman. Yeah. I become a, yeah. Yes. Now this is, we have to get this idea out and patented before it's done at Skank Fest. Oh my God. You're right. I'm actually, I bet you this. This is happening already at Skank Fest. Louis is a hundred percent pimping out, but they're not even producers, they're unpaid interns. Yeah. He's like, you want to make it in this business? I mean, DeRosa, remember when he hooked up with that trans girl? Sure. We're, that's essentially what we're talking about. Dude, I remember going home to my family. I was at that Skank Fest. I remember going home to like, you know, Jazz put the kids to bed and she's like, so babe, how was like your weekend? And I'm like, you know, it was great. And then I'm just like, you know, cause you get so immersed in comedy and you know, you are like not in comedy every day as we are. They're more normal people where we're of course more abnormal people. Of course. And so I'm telling her, she's like, how was it? I'm like, oh, it's great. And I'm telling her like, as if it would get a laugh. I'm like, oh yeah. And then DeRosa got like sucked off by a trans person, like in front of the audience. It came in five seconds. And I'm telling it like how crazy it is. Like, she's like, oh my God, what, how nuts. And she was like, I want you to really reevaluate who you hang out with in this business. Cause she was like, you know, you have a family, you have like, I don't know why you're around these types of people. And I'm like, and I'm like, it's funny. I was like, come on. He's got sucked off. Like he's cool with it. And she was like, Chris, like, I really, I'm just going to go to bed and I just want you to really think about what's going on. Wake up tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. It is funny, but it is like, that is the one where it's like, it's like, cause here's the thing, him hooking up with a, with a fan after the show. Yeah. Great. But the fact that everyone knows that he's just in another room actively getting his saliva still drying on his fucking prick and he's like, goes back to riffing. Yeah. That's insane. That's insane. And I tip my cap to skanks for that. And, and, and the beauty of all that is Lewis Gomez, his cowboy hat never moved an inch. Yeah. And then, and then, so we got, so now, so what's very interesting is here we are doing winter bears. Tom's got the pastry shop. So then he's got bad thoughts. And now, and now Bert has said, you know what? This is how bad I don't want to do. He said, let me go do the medium that even less people watch a sitcom. Bert said, let's do a multi-cam Netflix sitcom. Now do, you know, I'm making fun of Bert here, but in reality, I also have a sitcom in development that did not get picked up. That's what I'm going to say. So he's just doing the thing you've been trying desperately to do for eight years. How many pilots has it been, Chris? Nine. Yeah. Oh, for nine. Yes. And the idea is just like, you know, Italian and a Puerto Rican wife basically. Yeah. And like, so far, like I make fun of this, but so far it's like Bert's living this amazing career and I'm, my career is just, I'm like Bert if he never made it out of Tampa. Yeah. If he was just a guy at side splitters, that's me. Yeah. I know. Yeah. But, but so, so Bert's got that sitcom out. So I don't know when that's coming out, but obviously check that out on Netflix. But I, my, my guess is if they, if we do somehow get convinced to come back here and do spring bears. Yeah. We will be back here for spring bears. Yeah. Probably if I had to guess. Yeah. I don't know. You know, what are we going to do? Maybe we should do it. We did this one in Austin. We did New York, Austin. Maybe we go somewhere tropical for spring bears. Oh, that's an interesting one. Make them fly us out somewhere to an island. Oh yeah. Take, yeah. Maybe we do it on Epstein's Island. That'd be awesome. I'm not, again. It's empty. They're not using it now. Yeah. As I said, as I said, we're into YMH Island. Yeah. I am not doing it on Bert's cruise. No. I refuse to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Let's look into getting Epstein's Island. Okay. That way we can do, then we can run a little pilot program. Yeah. Of our other idea, Wink Wink. Yep. Don't worry about it, Bensi. Yeah. Just show up and hey, don't, just have clear broth for a couple days before you come out. No chili. Yes. Nothing, no dairy. Yeah. Let's keep that intestine clear. Yeah. Yeah. And if you could just, you know, just because we really want to pump the first one, if you could just watch kind of what he looks like, what he does, and then just get prepared because we might have a nice surprise guest for that first opening. Well, actually, that's a good point. Would it be easier to find a ripped gay guy and teach him podcast producing or to try and make podcast producers hot? Some of the most disgusting looking people on earth. Yeah. Because they're like, they're like comedians who don't have to be in front of the camera. So it's like, that's the only thing. This is like, imagine how horrible I'd look if I wasn't photographed hours a week. This is me trying. Imagine. Imagine if I was a podcast producer, how much like shit I would look. Yeah. So maybe we've got the wrong idea. Now, having said that, we're not. not going to spare Benson's hole he's going to get he's going to get right we're going to get a train run through him but let's also try a pilot program where we teach a gay guy or like a promiscuous gay man who wants to be pimped out we teach him podcast producing yes and then we see who's the better boy whore slash producer and then the fans are incentivized to stay with us for the next 8 to 12 weeks to see who's going to win and then you know they can vote they can and it's a whole thing and then you get this is way how you get social media involved I love this and all those things so I think that that is is a genuinely a genuinely good idea that uh yeah that I that I would assume Bert and Tom are willing to put their money into producing as long as it means they don't have to sit in a room and do the podcast I think they'd rather watch their producer be than sit down and do a podcast he's like yeah he's like sounds good to me sent from my iPhone you know what I mean it's just never cool just not even just a thumbs up emoji sent from my iPhone yeah and we're like all right great doesn't care yeah so I think that that it it's interesting it's interesting well you know you know we weren't talking there what do you think they're doing with Epstein's Island right now nice real estate well I'll tell you this speaking of real estate I'll tell you this me and uh Yanni we're looking for a new history in his studio in downtown Manhattan so we go the real estate the real estate how's it looking I'm looking as well so it's looking certain parts are good if you really I'm going to actually it's good that you asked if you really want to get a good deal you might have to get in with some kind of nefarious adjacent people so we go and we go to this place it's this loft like spot that's dope that's a couple of g's less than every other place we looked at and the realtor says you know uh you might recognize this guy it's all good um you know he's where bears resemblance to some to a guy that is very famous um but he's a good dude he's a good dude he's all everything's good you know he he like lives here on one side of the loft but he's almost never here and you know he's here right now because he wants to show you this spot and he wants to give you guys a great deal um so we go the elevator door is open and we look at this guy and we're like kind of looks familiar but me and yannis are kind of looking at each other and the whole time we're looking at the space we're like who is this dude yeah so we go incredible deal the place is awesome you're like what's the catch what's the catch and he's very well put together he had like a scarf on very well put together and he's kind of funny and he's very charismatic and we're like this is interesting it's in a great location it's got like perfectly set up for podcasting and me and yannis are looking at him and whatever and then he goes um you know we're all done and we get he gets into the elevator with us and he goes so what do you guys think and yannis was like you know what sir like we really we like this and he goes okay he goes well i'll give us this card he goes you call me when you want to make a deal this place is yours i'll hold it for you for a week and it's yours so we get out and we look at the card and we look at it and then it hits us who it is his name was mark epstein it was jeffrey epstein's brother shut the fuck google mark epstein jeffrey epstein's brother tried to sell us a podcast space yeah you were considering renting studio space from mark epstein yes oh my god and then when we hit it we were like should we do it and then huggy so the guy in the epstein should we do it i was like it is a great deal it's better than doing it over the stand those fucking criminals who do you want to be with the italians or the epsteins you just want to fucking record a podcast where they had like 15 russian teenagers penned in yeah fucking wait they just had them they had them in little stalls the way you have puppies in a fucking yeah like a breeding mill yeah yeah they have like a little cereal dry feeder and like a water bottle yeah and then fucking uh billionaires would come through and be like i'll take that one c7 yeah like a vending machine holy shit yeah so that's why the epstein that's why the deal was so good so if you're looking for a really good deal he's the guy i'm not yeah i'm not looking for that level because him and i were like you know what we were like we can't possibly do it there because then we're like what happens if like we're filming the podcast here and then there's some like nut who just wants to get revenge and he thinks that mark that mark epstein's still there and then he just blows up the podcast we get killed and by the way this isn't like okay it's epstein's brother but you know they have different lives uh he was the president of the epstein family and he was the president of the brother's investment company and an executive of osa property so he is involved well he's he's the one who was emailing him about trump sucking clinton's dick really that was the one we was talking about bubba sucked him off yeah interesting listen in fairness i only met him briefly he's a very nice guy yeah very nice charming charismatic guy not i don't know really anything about what he did in his life i think you can guess but i'm just saying in the in the flesh nice man and a very good podcast if it saves you fifteen hundred dollars between you and janice 750 a month it's okay to podcast at a place where unspeakable evil has occurred listen it's all as i told you i'm into investing now it's all about compounding it's all about compounding interest oh my fucking god you really that you legitimately met mark epstein we had no idea going in but we were like whoa and it was kind of one of those moments we were standing on whatever street in the city and we were like as soon as we saw the name it was like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like it was like whoa because when you first see me looks like me like dude i've seen this guy's face before can we go to his wiki let's just get a little more about mark epstein yeah um yeah he's a public figure i'm not like exposing an american property developer and the brother of child sex offender jeffrey epstein what a great start yep a former artist epstein has been a real a former artist i'm sure his fucking paintings were really good uh i mean yeah oh he also had a real estate a t-shirt printing business and he was a real estate developer and he was a real estate developer and business oh look at this one a modeling agency and a charter company yeah that's crazy a modeling agent a charter company just means he was a sex trafficker yeah yeah he fucking found the people to traffic and he had the planes to take yeah the modeling agency was called fisher price this is so fucking crazy yeah uh yeah anyway these guys were definitely you know well but here's the thing when you when you work when you're trying to look for a studio and down here in new york city a lot of the buildings are owned you're probably going to deal with some type of scumbag who owns the building and so you're gonna have to deal with a little bit of that there are levels to it though if you want to if you want to draw the line at epstein you know hey you know i got a great deal what's the catch well my brother saddam hussein is that a problem that's fucking insane so yeah i can well i look forward to you signing the deal with him yes right wow dude that's fucking nuts you know you'll come do the pod and be our first guest oh you would love that that would be a good pod yes uh he said he didn't know why uh he stopped oh this is very funny in 2024 mark said he did not know why jeffrey's friendship with donald trump ended he said that jeffrey had said on tape that he stopped hanging out with donald trump when he realized trump was a crook epstein was like ah this guy's a little shady yeah yeah i don't know about this guy anymore anyway where's the new shipment of lithuanian children where's the yeah can we can you get on the phone with that lithuanian children where's the yeah can we can you get on the phone with that lithuanian orphanage we're kind of running low on stock yeah it's uh it's fucking um let's see it's tony blair's birthday right we want to treat him right yeah so that's you run into some people here yeah that's you know you're really rubbing elbows with high society in manhattan that's what it is man you got mom donnie i got epstein i think i know yeah i'm pretty glad with that yeah i'm happy to be on that side of it dude diet cokes you know diet cokes i just read a study that the chemicals in diet cokes change your gut microbiome in such a way that while you're digesting that diet coke your personality is actually changing so whoever you are before the diet coke is not who you are as you're consuming because they realize now the gut brain connection like who you are your personality your thoughts are not as they are of course in the brain but they're also in the gut and diet cokes change your gut microbiome to where you are actually a different person so just just know that about you and what do you think so it's interesting because the second i started drinking diet coke i started fantasizing about benson spoon exactly maybe diet coke yeah turning me into a gay sexual predator that makes sense yeah three more please yeah yeah that's interesting you know i like that because i feel like legit i do think there's a type of like slutty girl that likes diet cokes it's a cool they have a cool personality they're like bubbly they like you know what i mean pretty good at giving head in my limited experience so maybe keep keep crushing these diet cokes they'll make you a fun light you know sexual entity maybe yeah just fun and light and uh yeah little diet coke all diet so the brain gut connection huh it's a big thing that makes sense i feel like a lot of people who have bad stomachs are like you know they're very antsy they're very annoying yeah people with like i feel like hyperactive people have diarrhea a lot right you know yeah and i feel like there are maybe maybe that's why like fat people have similar personalities because they have similar yeah they take similar shits they have similar fucked up stomachs you're finding your tribe you guys gotta everybody's gotta find a tribe that's why when i'm having like a really bad day just eat a little yogurt calms the microbiome dude i've crushed yo i mean greek yogurt dude let me tell you something my breakfast almost every morning is a zero percent fage yogurt i put a little scoop of athleanx protein in there chocolate like chocolate coconut, put a Scoopy Whoopie in there. - Now is that one of the brands that has lead in it because no like no no the reason why i like athlean x is the guy who runs it uh jeff cavallari is is awesome athlean x is if you want to get in shape one of the best youtubes you can watch is athlean x because he's all about the science it's no he's like not even trying to sell any bullshit he's like i'm i do things pure so his i trust his products the most athlean x and you have done no search you just trust them i just blindly trust him because yeah he's just you want to have sex with him so people ask me why do you blindly trust him and i said well because if you look at his history you realize at one point he was the personal trainer for the new york mets so if you train the mets you're i'm in but he is absolutely shredded and ripped and uh chocolate coconut that's a nice chocolate chocolate coconut and then what i do sometimes now that you know was fall festive i would go i would he has a french vanilla flavor and i put a one scoop of french vanilla you ready for this here's my breakfast i'm listening little yogurt you so got protein low saturated fat good for the cholesterol high protein one scoop of french vanilla athlean x protein some pumpkin puree some cinnamon little maple syrup the tiniest bit of maple syrup and then the uh pumpkin flax seed cereal from nature's path mix that up yummy yummy in my tummy that sounds awesome and then if if if i really want it and if i wanted to make that a fat boy special what i would do is have jazz make protein pancakes and i would make that yogurt and then make a little pancake yogurt sandwich i do that so i've been doing pumpkin protein pancakes i'll do pumpkin uh egg whites um uh cottage cheese and then if i want i have to do for a similar fall thing some pumpkin spice and i put a cinnamon protein yeah in there and it actually is fucking pretty good it's good dude all you need really if you can just focus on trying to get the maximal protein like for me when i get when the reason why like when i mean when i used to drink a lot too but also like why i don't have such a fat puffy face anymore is because the one main thing i change is when i'm really really really like famished hungry in the middle of the day rather than eating four slices of pizza which i would always do just habitually now i just have a yogurt and i'm like it fills me and it's like not the same as pizza but at least i'm like i'm getting cream nowhere near this i'm getting some type of dairy what a fucking uh nutrition hack yeah you hear that folks instead of four slices of pizza have a yogurt that's really helpful advice and if you guys want you could put some pepperoni in your yogurt i do make a greek yogurt pizza crust oh really greek yogurt and dough and uh flour and you just fucking bake it and you can you can make it feel like a pita or like a pizza dough interesting and then i put uh i put a little fucking sauce fat free cheese which has a ton of protein and i do turkey pepperoni and when i'm fiending for a fucking slice of pizza i'll do that dude the main thing because i my cholesterol was 300 it was like so through the now i got it all the way down to like 205 or something and the main thing i did is just change from italian food to greek food i just literally every time i wanted italian i go greek come down come a little further down the peninsula grilled chicken salmon uh lemon potatoes hummus you know some veggies but like so it's not like because i think sometimes people don't stick to a diet because like i gotta eat salads and stuff it's like you really actually don't you just have to eat higher i mean you could if you want but sure dude some vet if some veggies and chicken or salmon and lemon potatoes and a little hummus i mean you're still a little bit of a bad boy with the pita little slut but you're not but you're good at you're better i want to go to like one of those fucking like health clinics like like uh everything is like i don't want i have no interest in hair plugs i love i love being i think you're a coward if you get hair plugs you know i face i face my mortality head-on hundred percent you know i'm not a vain coward but the idea of going to like turkey or like columbia or somewhere where they don't have anywhere where they just have these crazy medical procedures and they just they check everything in your body and they have like a 360 scan i kind of want to go do that yeah i kind of want to go like be fully scanned out i want to be on like i want whatever like weird rich guy i need to talk to tom because i know he's got weird medicines yeah like i believe like tom says right now he's doing season two of bad thoughts but he might be like cunting in a human safari you know yeah like he might actually be doing one of like he's in madagascar right now human safari right they you know they just that's what's going on he paid the idf five hundred thousand dollars for uh like eight bazooka shells and they're like hey go crazy yeah yeah no journalists here go insane you know that might happen yeah so there was do you see that story where they were like they had there was some disgusting thing where rich people in the fucking in like like during the i think yugoslavian civil war rich people were like they were like they were like they were like they were literally hunting people for sport i mean it's it's crazy how craven that that's that much money makes you that's actually what made me think of the idea to even bring it up because i was thinking about what you were talking i was thinking about i had just seen the article in the paper and one of the guys from you know sarajevo or whatever sarajevo looked like tom segura it looked like a 1994 tom segura i'm like yeah that's it's fucking insane i hope they track down the people that paid to kill people and just execute them yeah i mean and listen dude here's the thing as a fan of this show if you're still interested i have something also to say in and out dude so and that was perfect and that is that you you're you're constipated oh yeah that's that's a dcf a diet coke fart if you still are here at the end of this hour and you know listening to the ads and just seeing and literally spent an hour saying nothing other than promoting human gosh then you're you're actually the problem not us you need to look at what you're doing it's not tom it's not bert it's not me it's not stavi it's you dude it's you it's you but listen buy a calendar that's all you know come see us on the road uh the the dreamboat tour the final leg is going on is going to start up in january yeah we're starting in florida we're going all across wherever i didn't hit last year we're going to hit it now stavi.biz uh chrissy you're on the road as well christy comedy i have one show in january right now in west virginia charlestown west virginia in a casino charlestown races and slots yeah that's what i'm doing have you done that casino no i just they that was one of the first casinos near baltimore so it was like i remember the the advertisements yeah yeah so i'm doing that and then uh and then i might do a show in vegas in february um but christycomedy.com history hyenas comes out to every thursday go to history hyenas is back.com history is on instagram and uh and yeah and that's it's gonna do for us we'll see next week how it's gonna be the holidays are getting close folks we're gonna be talking we're gonna be talking christmas you know maybe we'll talk a little new year's after that 100 it's nice to be here with you chrissy it's nice to be here with you folks and uh we will see you next week bye-bye bye bert and tom tom and bert one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories and bert's the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call bert and bert endless summer escapes start here travel the worlds of netflix irl inspired by fan favorites like stranger things and squid game brave the upside down face off with the front man play leveled up arcade games shop exclusive merch and enjoy themed food and drinks beat the heat play eat and shop on repeat at netflix house at galleria dallas bring your crew and save get your tickets today at netflix.com slash house