103. Peyton Ruddy, Pandji Pragiwaksono, Andy Haynes | Pressure

Before we start today's show, you should know that me and Big J are touring professional standup comedians and we are coming to a city near you very, very soon. Come see me on tour, the rally me this tour, this weekend I will be in Denver, Colorado at the comedy works South July 31st. I'm in Lafayette, Louisiana, August 1st, Lake Charles, Louisiana. Then after that September 11th and 12th, I will be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida right after that Portland main, Belmore, New York, Rochester, New York and more. Just go to Lewisofskanks.com to grab those tickets. You can go to bigjcomedy.com for all my tickets. Greatest Yaffer Alive tour happening right now. This weekend I am with the Richmond Virginia funny bone. After that Levittown Long Island Governor's Comedy Club, Virginia Beach, so much more coming up on deck. Look for a city near you. It never ends. Fill her up. Your listening to the gas digital network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars with the story Warriors, Big Cales, Dresden and Lewis, Jacobin. What's up, story warriors? Welcome to the show. Make some noise in your for me, will you please? Come on. It's another sold-out show here at the New York Comedy Club. I mean, what, six months in a row, something like that? We've done the two years, I think. Two straight years of sold-out show. Actually, before we start the show, was somebody assaulted outside of the club today? Who was it? This pussy? What have you little bitch? You got beat up outside of the comedy club? He got beat up. So why'd you call the cops if you beat them up? What happened? He got assaulted. Holy shit, dude. And these guys jumped him. You need a three of you to jump him and then you call the cops on him? Holy shit, dude. I'm on that guy's side. That guy's coming on as a guest next week. Lewis, that's called handling things quietly. Good job, gentlemen. Good job. Working packs. Well, I'm excited about today's show where we have an amazing show. And I got to be honest with you guys, three story wars debuts on the show tonight. Big, big fucking deal, everybody. How many people here are familiar with the game's story wars? Oh, no. The guy who got beat up doesn't even know the game. And who is not familiar with story wars? Boo. Coming to our show without no one, our show is. Well, again, pal, welcome. If you're unfamiliar with the game, which is your first time listening at home, it's a very, very easy game. We'll explain once we get our amazing esteemed panel up here. Our first contestant tonight, you know it from the Beautiful Boys podcast. He is currently on tour, make some noise right now for the hilarious Andy Haynes. [Music] Andy, happy to have you on the show, my friend. Thank you. I really appreciate this. I've never done anything like you guys before. No, this is called career suicide, Andy. Yeah, yeah, I know. I've been fantastic. I know. I never thought I could grow it, but then I got a divorce and I really leaned in. Oh, yeah. That's a divorced mustache right there. That's my divorced mustache. It actually was one earring. It was actually kind of an ultimatum. It was like the mustache for me, and I left my family. So smart. You got to stand up for yourself. Smart. Yeah. Can I say something? That fucking mustache is never going to let you down. No, that family will eventually do. Our second competitor is today also making history wars debut. The number one Indonesian comedian in the world with 1.7 million followers. On Instagram, he's more famous than any of us in Indonesia. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for a PANGE! [Music] What's up, you guys? Oh, I think I was speaking Indonesian. Oh, is that what that was? I thought he was calling you a racial epithet. Yeah. You were a long time enemy here. I was saying good morning in Assad, Indonesia. Well, that's the only thing he knows because it's nighttime. [Laughter] And these people are all white. They went there for the prostitution. I'm assuming. [Laughter] We're happy to have you making your story wars debut, my friend. Oh, it's an honor, man. Thank you for having me. I'm going to assume all of your stories are going to be like one time I was stung by a giant mosquito with my area. I don't know nothing about Indonesia. Yeah, one time I got on the school rickshaw to go to school. [Laughter] Once when eating bat soup. [Laughter] That's actually, that's actually authentically Indonesian. Yeah, absolutely. It could be. It could be. Thank you for joining us, PANGE. Finally, last but not least, making their debut right here on story wars from Killtony. Currently on the my best work tour, mixing noise for the hilarious Peyton Ruddy! [Applause] [Music] Hey, welcome to the show, my friend. Yeah, thanks for having me, guys. I really appreciate it. It looks like you're about to dominate in an eating competition. [Laughter] This is the scene from Stand By Me. [Laughter] That's equal. But Andy's going to be a ringer somehow. This guy just has a bottomless throat or something. I put it in my ass. [Laughter] They don't say how it has to get in you as long as it's in you. Speaking of bottomless throat, give it up for Alex or host. Come on, guys. Alex. [Applause] Bottomless throat, Alex. Bottomless throat. If you're unfamiliar with story wars or your first time listening at home, it's a very, very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and myself, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? Pressure. Ooh. Well, that was any climactic. [Laughter] Yeah, yeah, you do. But you know, sell it harder, at least. Pressure. [Laughter] Alex. Alex, our lovely producer over there, is going to read off eight of those stories one at a time. It'll appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess who story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So what it is your story, that is a huge opportunity. You don't want to squander that opportunity because you can get four points. And once you put your answer in the tablet right here, and slide it over, it locks it in, you cannot change your answer. And as I ran out, none of you guys have played this before. It is so much fun. This is the most fun you're ever going to have on a podcast. But we're not playing for fun. Jay, let him know we're playing for today. Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library. Tonight's winner. [Applause] Tonight's winner will take home Hiroshima by John Hersey. Hiroshima shares accounts of the real-life atomic bomb dropped by the United States in 1945, told through the experiences of Japanese survivors. This story captures the initial blast itself, the drama leading up to its detonation, and the power one nuclear weapon had over an entire city. [Applause] And I will say, it is the thinnest book we've ever given away. Well, Story Wars history. I have an app called Goodreads, and that book is for real in my Want to Read category. I'm going to be playing very hard tonight. Hell yeah. All right. I think everybody who's going to get it gets it. Do you think this crowd's ready for war? [Applause] New York Comedy Club, New York City, are you ready for war? [Applause] Ugh. Well then, Alex, stuff like a story number one. [Laughter] Story number one. I once had a girlfriend who said she liked me because I'm funny. To a point where if I wasn't funny, she would get very upset and angry. I had to prepare a set of jokes every time I wanted to call her or meet her just so that she wouldn't go crazy on me. Well, you know it's not me because none of my girlfriends think I'm funny. It's true. I don't think it's Ponji because it's illegal to talk to girls there. [Laughter] I'm thinking it's Ponji or Peyton. This seems like something. I'm a regular pushy-gitter, man. You don't have to. [Laughter] I knew I wasn't playing this kind of game, man. I'm thinking this. - This is Andy, 'cause Andy looks like he's, you would do anything for, I mean, you're a filf, right? You fall in love frequently. - Yeah, yeah, I, but this isn't, this isn't, 'cause I also am not funny, so nobody's ever thought that I'm more of a- - Well, you have like a chiseled face, your slim talk, that's not your problem. This is as a fat person, myself. This feels a little bit like Peyton, because, like exactly, I've been there before, a girl that I feel is out of my league, and I'm performing for her constantly. So if not, you know, I have to be about two more inches of dick hilarious every time I was around. (laughing) - Yeah, no, yeah, being funny is like having a Ferrari. (laughing) - It really is, so it's like, that's where I'm leaning towards. I'm leaning towards Peyton. - Yeah, I'm kind of leaning towards Peyton too. I've known most of Jay's girlfriends, and yeah, I mean, all of them, I think, loved you for you, Jay. And- - They had to. - He cheated on all of them. (laughing) They were idiots, these were stupid bitches. (laughing) - I couldn't believe another girl wanted to fuck me. (laughing) Peyton prepared multiple sets per night to go between girlfriends. (laughing) - I got a feeling it's ponji here to be completely honest. That sounds like something that happens overseas. - Overseas? Like, this is a Southeast Asian kind of thing. - Yeah, this is how you pay for bat soup. - Yeah, yeah. - I still think this is Andy. Because I don't know, I don't know. Andy comes off to me as, you know, somebody who would do, he's a romantic person. - You can, you're calling me a bitch in such a nice way. (laughing) - I mean, you gotta have something else to offer, you know? - Yeah. - You're not like beautiful, beautiful, you know what I mean? - All right. (laughing) - Hey, I'm walking in. - Thank you. (laughing) - Andy looks like he walks around Tennessee calling black people the N word. (laughing) - Oh shit. - I think he's hot too. (laughing) - No, I'm saying he's got great ideas and he's hilarious. - Oh, since I agree with you. - This also could be like a story from like a village back home. So I think it could be ponji. This is tough. - Let's get you, I'm kind of with you on this. Peyton, tell me why this isn't you. - I mean, I heard that you have an attractive girlfriend, somebody said that. - Certainly. - Yeah, and the only way a fat guy is getting an attractive girlfriend is by being absolutely hilarious. - I mean, well lots of dough, lots of dough. - He does have a lot of dough, but it's pizza dough. - Hand turkey. (laughing) - Nothing really. - Look, there's four women in here right now, ladies. (laughing) Would you go out with a guy like me based on how I look? You're shaking your head. - She said she was waiting to go to the hotel. - Fucking half a second. - Yeah, that would be like half a second. - Yeah, that was very quick, you know what I'm saying? - That was great. - You should have just, you could have given no response. - We'll just say yes. - Is this your boyfriend right here? - It's an audio medium. - Is this your boyfriend? Are you guys together? - Well, she's like, I'm single as they've ever been. - Are you single? (laughing) - You're married? - I'm desperate for love and I would never touch you. - Oh, I hope this guy doesn't fuck her. - Yeah. - You know what? - It's your little sister. I hope you don't fuck her. (laughing) - Oh, before you take her a little Southwestern fucker. Yeah, it's okay there. - Well, I'm sorry you wouldn't want to be with a guy like me, but I certainly can get by on my looks, you know? - Right, guys. - Well, oh yeah. (clapping) Peyton, that was a beautiful speech. I still think it's you because it could be me and it's not me. - I'm walking in Peyton as well, but part of me is thinking this could be Ponji. - He would ever you want, man. - I love this. - No, no, it's if thought it's you because we don't think you would like respect a woman that much. (laughing) - Well, I'm not gonna dance for too long. Once I feel like she's in, then I'm like, fuck you. You just don't know. I'm sweaty. - Story one down, all of her answers are in Alex. - Who story was story number one? - Story number one belongs to Ponji. (clapping) - What did I say? (clapping) - I'm a regular pushy-getter. I said this, you go fuck yourself. - I said it's gonna have a long time. - Peyton, I apologize, sincerely. I apologize. - I knew it was a fucking village story. (laughing) - Ponji, who is this? - Oh my girl. - This is actually, it happened in high school, guys. All right, so this is high school. She's actually my first ever girlfriend. I'm a late bloomer in relationship as well. And so I would do anything I can to make sure that she won't leave me. And then she sees me as a funny guy. And every time I call her over together, I have to crack jokes. I was, I wasn't even a comedian. I was already making set lists before I'm a comedian. That's crazy. - Give me, give me one of the jokes you would tell her. Something you'd say. - It's in 1995, man. I wouldn't remember. - Do you remember the N word? (laughing) - We'll take it, everyone, keep in mind. This is 1995. Please continue. (laughing) - I feel like she should have had to accept you as it was an arranged relationship. - That's right, she was promised to you. - That is also kind of, yeah, that's, yeah. That's in addition in the '70s. - Alex, where are points at? - All right, in second place with two points, Peyton Ruddy. (audience applauding) And in first place with three points, Ponji. (audience applauding) - God damn it. Well, Alex, story number two. - Story number two. - As a teenager, I accidentally ate an entire container of what I thought were delicious blueberries, but ended up being tie-filling. (audience laughing) I came home having to shit really bad. Locked out, I climbed through a window and shit purpled down the side of the house and all over the floor. I cleaned it up using my mom's white towels. - Wow. - Well, wow, I gotta tell you something. (audience laughing) Just had me, just had me at Peyton all the way up and to climb through the window. (audience laughing) - At which point, I immediately thought it's only Andy. - I would think of as Andy if it says, I cleaned it up using my mom's white sheets. - Yeah. - I, is it just me or, I could actually hear the way you said this. It sounds like you. - No, I completely agree with me. I mean, I cannot climb through a window and also Andy very much is a guy who grew up with nice white towels I can tell. - Yeah, yeah, we didn't have the white towels. - Yeah, my towels and holes in them are scratchy. - Well, I definitely know it's not Ponji because I don't think they have blueberries. (audience laughing) - It's only for the king. (audience laughing) - Common people with papaya's and bananas, is what we eat the commoners. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I mean, as soon as I ate an entire container, I literally locked in Peyton on my board, but, you know, I really don't know. You're right, I think climbing through the window would be a difficult thing, but Peyton. - I gotta know how high up the window is. - Yeah, we always big boy. - We always a big boy. - Of course. (audience laughing) - Yeah, if it. (audience laughing) - He's young, if it wasn't, it'd be a medical miracle. (audience laughing) That was actually yoked until high school. - Yeah, no, the road is hard, it's. - I'm still thinking it's Peyton because we don't know how long it took for him to climb through the window, right? - It took him an hour. - And also, he shit down the side of the house so I can see a stuck in a window situation. - True. (audience laughing) - As funny as that sounds. (laughing) - I didn't have lunch lady ass growing up. I wasn't getting stuck in, I could not get through the window. You know, I mean, like the chipmunk in that movie. - Sorry, this is the kind of porn that I watch. (laughing) - Also big guys, we wouldn't make attempts at things where you're like, I could get stuck 'cause you'd rather just not do the thing. - I just shit in the yard or myself. - Yeah, we were all fat kids. If I had to climb a fence, I was just not doing hits either. I've walked away from full friend hangs and been like, I actually, I have to go home right here at this fence. It turns out. (audience laughing) - Same. I'm walking in Andy. I think it's Andy. - Yeah, and this is kind of Andy vibes, I mean. - I see you on Andy. - Also, like, I feel like Peyton could eat an entire container of blueberry pie filling and still be hungry. (audience laughing) - Another really sad but true point you made right there. (audience laughing) - Lewis. - I think it's you, yeah. - You fucking racist. - Yeah, you would have ridden in Spanish. No, I take it back. (audience laughing) - I ate some blueberries. (audience laughing) - I was bi-trucing, yeah. - I just can't see Lucy in blueberries. - No, and also like, yeah, it's my turn. and have pies, mine wasn't making pies, or did she have white towels? She had a lot of burnt spoons. - Don't be an asshole. (laughing) Don't be that way, dude. - She was a good woman. And she stopped using heroin when I was four. - Then she went back. - When I was like 19? - Yes. - She raised her first, and I respect that. (laughing) - So when you're 18, you gotta move out, 'cause I want that sweet junk bag of my life. I have waited 18 years. Ooh, that first one's gonna be good. - All right, I'm going Andy. - Yeah, this feels like Andy. - Final answer. - This is gonna be Peyton, and he was thin. - Gosh, no. Alex, we're all in. - Story number two belongs to Peyton Ruddy. (cheering) - You were thin, right? - No, I never. - How did you get by through the window? - Did you do? - Did you? - Did you? - On the first floor, you dumb fucking idiots. - Wait a second. - It was a basement window. - Peyton wasn't the height of the window. We were concerned about you getting through the window. - Look, I mean, I was like-- - Peyton, do you think that a window is a storm cellar because he crashed the restaurant from Bay Window? - No, yeah, I had eaten a ton of pie filling. I think I kind of knew what it was, but it was so good that I'm like, I'm just kind of, I'm gonna clear this out right now. I'm just gonna eat all of it. Me and my brother went and we hung out during the day. We like walked, we weren't driving at the time, so we like walked, and then we came back to the house, and like halfway back to the house, I'm like, "Oh man, I got a shit." And then we got to the house, everyone was gone, like it was locked. And I was like, "Dude, I'm gonna shit my fucking pants." And so we went around the back, the back door is locked, and then the window, we had no screen classic. And then it opens, opens the window, and he goes, "Don't, I'm gonna walk, if you climb into the water, you're going to shit yourself." And I was like, "Okay, I'll wait for you to open the door." So he climbs in first, I like couldn't wait. I'm like, "I gotta get in the house." So I climbed in through the window, and as soon as I spread my legs, I opened the flood gate, (audience laughing) and just shit, purple, all down. (audience laughing) I don't even think it digested. It was just the pie filling coming out of my fucking asshole. So, and then I cleaned it up. - It was like, you got punctured. (audience laughing) - Anyway, as I was saying, I get pussy on the regular. (audience laughing) Oh, yeah. (audience applauding) Fuck you. (audience applauding) - Now she's attracted me. - Yeah dude, she's gonna blow you in a new breath at this. (audience laughing) Don't tell mom and dad. (audience laughing) All right, that was where our point's at. - All right, tied for first place with five points, each ponji and Peyton Ruddy. (audience applauding) Wow, rough first two. - All right folks, let's take a quick moment and thank Brunt Workwear for supporting the show. We love Brunt Workwear here at Story Wars. The only boots that I'll ever wear. I'm never going back to wearing any other boots. They're the most comfortable boots I've ever worn. They slip right on like an old pair of sneakers. I own two pair of Brunt Workwear boots. Jay, I know you love them as well. I watch you rock your brunt all the time. - Oh, we love Brunt Workwear here. Brunt is celebrating America's 250th anniversary with a special collection of limited edition hats, shirts, hoodies, and boots. All the workwear you can need. Intribute to the blue collar workers who built this fine country. The collection will only be available for a limited time. And if you've been thinking about upgrading to your workwear, do it now. Stop overpaying for workwear that doesn't last for limited time story warriors can get $10 off by going to BruntWorkwear.com. Then use the code warswithazia checkout, WAARZ. It's top tier gear for an incredible price with a risk-free trial. There's no reason not to give them a shot. That's bruntworkwear.com, bruntworkwear.com, code warswithazia checkout. All right, let's get back into it. - All right, story warriors. You might be wondering why I am so damn good at being deceptive and telling these stories. And that is because I drink body-brained coffee. Not only did I drink it, but I created this product a little more than a year ago, and it is taking the world by storm. Functional coffee that is actually made with real coffee, premium, freeze, ride, Columbian coffee, that's blended with nitropics and adaptogens that will genuinely make you the best version of yourself. If you're a man above the age of 30, your testosterone is declining. That is the truth. Tonka Dalai has been linked to testosterone support, virility, energy, it's a great, great supplement. And I'll tell you right now, I was taking it, before I even started body-brained coffee, I started taking it and it genuinely makes me feel great. So we also got lion's mane and ashwaganda and healthy. I mean, five simple ingredients, you can drink it hot, you can drink it cold, you can put it in a protein shake. However you want to enjoy your body-brained coffee, you can enjoy it and it will make you feel great. Try it yourself, see what everyone's talking about, see why we have all of these amazing five-star reviews on Amazon and on Shopify. Right now, just go to bodybrainedcoffee.com. Use the promo code war20, war20, to save 20% off your order today. If you subscribe, you get 20% off, and you get free shipping for life. So subscribe and get it monthly or just give it a shot, give it a try, use that promo code war20 for 20% off at bodybrainedcoffee.com. - Hey, story warriors, let's take a quick second and thank one of our amazing sponsors and that is ultra pouches. Woo, no nicotine, no caffeine, just the good stuff. You can give your brain and body a clean rush right now with ultra pouches. With a blend of new tropics and vitamins built for focus and mental clarity, ultra pouches power you through the day, workouts and on the go. They stay hydrated and they don't draw your mouth out. They're delicious, nutritious, and a great way to satisfy those cravings. No dizziness, no stomach rumbles, clean energy and five great flavors, cool mint, winter green, tropical, watermelon, and the all new blue razz. - I use these every day, literally every day. They have alpha GPC in them, which is a great neutropic that is great for memory, brain function. I have terrible ADHD, so I started getting into neutropics somewhat recently and alpha GPC is a super popular one. It also has B12, which I was just taking anyway. And they taste great. It's a great way to just like, I have an oral fixation. I used to smoke and I, you know, I used to, whatever it is, it kind of satisfies that oral craving that I have sometimes to pause. And they also have brand new sleep pouches. Well, you should know this is pretty cool. The sleep pouches are built for clean natural rest. So you can try their energy pouches or you can try their sleep pouches. See what the buzz is all about right now with ultra pouches. It's the ultimate guilt free pouch and you're gonna have instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or the caffeine. And right now if you use the code wars with the ZWA or Z, you're gonna get 15% off at take ultra dot com. That's take ULTRA dot com 15% off with code wars with the Z. Alex, story number three. (upbeat music) - Story number three. I once got pulled over for speeding and I had a bong, a case of beer, and an AK-47 in my trunk where I had also left my wallet. - Lewis. - This sounds Indonesian as shit. (laughing) - What? - I mean, what is he talking about? - Lewis, that's a crazy choice. - Now dude, I grew up in an AK-47 in his trunk now. - I grew up in New York. There's no AK-47s in our trunks in New York. - You think Lewis is riding dirty? - Yes, 100%. - I think Lewis knows where to get an AK-47 right now. - No, you got him pegged wrong. - No, he doesn't know that. - Andy, where'd you grow up? - He knows where you can hire a low level prostitute to have sex with you for $500. - Tell me after. - That's a pretty high level prostitute, Jack. You grew up in Seattle. - Yeah. - What are the gun laws in Seattle? - Oh, loose. - Yeah, there are a bunch of queers there. - You're right. (laughing) - How old are you Andy? - I'm 43. - So this is prime Nirvana years. - Oh, yeah, no, you're not wrong. - This is exactly what a guy in Seattle. - I was, you were getting ready to smoke weed and drink some beers and shoot up your school. - Yeah, with the lights out. - He's a dangerous. (laughing) - And I would've gotten him if it wasn't for that rascally cop. (laughing) - I don't see Andy doing this because I don't know if you know this, but Andy regularly run. He jogs at Central Park. That's not something that would have an AK-47 in his truck or something. - Also, I don't think we can have AK-47. - That's a great point, Pongi. Also, AK-47 is like some guerrilla warfare that you might be used to. (laughing) - That's what I'm thinking. - That's what you think about me. - That's what I'm saying. - That's supposed to be a conch, shit. Now, Indonesia is closed with the US. We have M-16. - Did you trade the Marines for the case of beer? What did you give them? - Pongi had a case of King Gopers in his truck. (laughing) - Pongi had a vial of tiger blood. (laughing) - No, it's impossible because of, it's impossible for us to have bongs in Indonesia. - No bongs. - No one's in, you know? - No, you can't, it's smoke weed, right? - Yeah, but you can make a bong out of anything. Well, this is making me more think it's Andy. (laughing) - Who leaves their wallet? - Their trunk. - Payton, where did you grow up? - G-Addle. - No, I-- (laughing) - Root and toot and Houston. (laughing) - I grew about 35 minutes outside Chicago. - That's out of Chicago, that's-- - Oh, that's-- - But wait, now there's a dangerous place, but Payton's a sweet boy, I couldn't imagine. - I just ate pipe, my lab, the story I had was literally like a Winnie the Pooh story. (laughter) You think the next fucking show. I'm like, "Yeah, fucking, like, I got a piece of it." So, it was so boyish. It was so sweet and boyish, you're not wrong. -I can't imagine this. -I don't think it's an AK-47, also. Oh, my AK-47, but it wasn't-- -Philly was really dangerous when you were there, right? -Oh, Andy stop. -Jay never had this. Jay never had an AK-47. Jay didn't start smoking weed until he met me when he was, like, 35. -True. I've never owned a case of beer. And me and Lewis went shooting where I left immediately because I go, "Too scary in loud." -Dude, this is you, Andy, with your fucking camo hat and your fucking hunting black people mustache. Jay has shots out of the garden. He put it down and he walked outside to smoke a cigarette. I was like, "Where's Jay?" -I go, "I'm going to smoke a chicken." -I'm going to smoke. I go, "You fucking. " Yeah, I go, "You can use the rest of my bolts." And then I shook outside, like, an abused wife. -Not Jay, but you did hang out with a lot of black people. -Yeah, they had guns. -Yeah, but not AKs. -Now, I've never seen an AK before. -An AK-47s, a wild thing for anybody on this panel to have. The only person I can see, I know nothing about Ponji, "When did you move from Indonesia to the United States?" And where did you move? -When he was smuggling arms under the country. [ Laughter ] -I moved to New York, 2022. I moved to flushing, like, most agents, too. -Oh, yeah. Perfect. Good movie theater. -So, you were in Indonesia up until 2022? -Yeah, yeah. I feel like it's not an Indonesian thing to have a case of beer. I feel like most, like, teenagers in Indonesia. I bet they just got, like, a 40. You know what I mean? They don't have beer. -Andy is very quiet. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Andy's reliving that day. [ Laughter ] -He's like, "If I just want to -- That's why, every now and now, I was carrying my wallet in my front pocket." [ Laughter ] -And he's having flashbacks. -He's never flashbacks. -I literally hate guns. I -- I'm -- I think I'm the biggest pussy on stage. -No, dude, I hate guns. I'm the biggest pussy on stage. -Dude, don't fight me. [ Laughter ] -You have a camouflage hat. -Yeah, but it's -- It's -- It's stolen valor. It's a running store. -You also never -- -It's actually just -- -Oh, shit, it is a running store. -Fuck, most of my decision was made about that camel hat. -No, no, don't go back on it. -I was just trying to hide from real men. -Yeah. It's literally -- -It's literally where I bought my running tides from. [ Laughter ] -You guys are so wrong. -There you go, cruisin' through Central Park of "Cowarding the Bungie." -I'm the guy that kills all the gay guys in Austin. -Yeah! -Well, nobody's saying it was your AK. -That's another great point. -And if you don't like guns, putting it in the trunk seems like the place to put it if you're not into it. -S Seattle could have been -- -Why would you -- -Wallet in the trunk. -That's the strange part. -Yeah. -And if you asked me, that's some white shit. [ Laughter ] -I know nothing about Ponzi, but my first instinct was Ponzi. This seems like something that just happens in parts of Asia or India, wherever this is it. I have no idea where -- -Yeah. -I don't know where the police are. -With a corrupt and everyone wears fatigues. -I have no idea. Big J is a crazy thing. Now, I think it's Andy, because Andy's just throwing a hammery for no reason. -No, because he's been the most quiet. Nobody's even accused J once of it. -No one's ever accused J being quiet. I'm gonna be honest. -I know. -We have full conversation back and forth, particularly with Andy, I had. All of our actors are in. This is a mystery to me. -Story number three belongs to Andy. -Let's go! Let's go. I'm actually good at this. -Yeah, you're good at this, I know, yeah. -I am getting butt-fucked on this show right now. -Yeah, dog, bend over. Spread your cheeks and love it. -That's crazy. -What? -What the fuck happened here, Andy? -So I went to school in the hood in Seattle, which sounds like an oxymoron. There was just some bad kids that did graffiti and had guns, and you could drive like 30 minutes and go to the woods and drink beer and smoke weed and shoot guns at a van that we hope was empty. -Or was a family just trying to rest on their cross-country trip? It was Peyton wearing a red sweater. It's me halfway stuck in the camper window. -Somebody open the door and do what's my feeling. -It's an alien, there's purple coming out of its ass. -Yeah, he's bleeding purple. -Yeah, I knew it was Andy. I picked Lewis almost just for the bit, but I should have known. -I think I'm on the board. Alex, what are our points after three? -All right, in last place with zero points. -Don't be a bitch. -Luce, Jay, Gomez. -It's gotta be said. It had to be said. It had to be said. -Tied for third place with two points. Each big Jay Okerson and Andy Haynes. -I'm on the board. -In second place with five points, Peyton Ruddy. And in first place with seven points, Ponji. -Wow. I'm a natural. -Indonesians are great liars. -Now we're good at reading people. -Oh, OK. -That's how I protect ourselves. -Story number four. -Story number four. When I was in elementary school, we were being shown a video about slavery for the first time. And after the video was over, I padded my black friend on the back and said, "I'm sorry that happened, man." [ Laughter ] -I'm 100%. -I'm supposed to do this. -I'm not sorry it happens. I don't know why. -Yeah, I don't think it's Pangey because I think slavery would have to be past tense. -Yeah, right. It's still going on. -You know, it's not me because it's impossible. I don't have any black friend in Indonesia. -All right, a feeling. -You guys all gotten all those points. -That's kind of a Seattle-Andy answer to you, like, "Hey, man. Sorry that happened, man." -Do you want to go shoot A.K.? Is it a forest? -Hey, I know it'll make up for slavery. A case of beer, a bog, and an A.K. Let's go to the woods and shoot, man. I got some pretty awesome reparations. -Yeah. -Big J grew up in Philly. -True. -A lot of black people. -Almost exclusively. -Painting grew up in Chicago. A lot of black people. -A lot of black. -A lot of black. Too many blacks. Too many blacks. -Too many blacks. -So I'm getting Peyton or Big J vibes. -Sure. -I get why you're feeling me. -Yeah. -She's saying, "Look, she's fucking right through you, J." -That's fine. It's not me. -Are you black, man? -Are you black? -Yeah. -Yeah. -I don't know why I asked. -I don't know why. My answer wasn't getting either. Yeah, I had a feeling. -Yo, shit. -And he just put his wallet back in the trunk. [ Laughter ] -Oh, shit. [ Laughter ] -Oh, really? -Yeah. -What? -I don't know. -What a weird conversation I was. Are you black? She said, "Yes." And he just went, "Oh, OK." He just accepted it. She's clearly not. -Yeah. -Do you have blueberry poisoning? [ Laughter ] -I thought it was a wig, maybe. -No, fuck that shit. That's all real clock-a-bitch. -You know what? But, like, Big J's got some -- -This. -That seems very nice. You'd be like, "You think this lady is black? I know what black people are." -That is back shit. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, I have a feeling it's gay. -I tell you what, whoever did this, and that's why I think I was Lewis did a good job swinging this my way. -I'm going to Big J. -Fuck. All right. I'm going to Lewis because I just want to keep-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -What? Don't do your thing where you fucking bully me and not vote it for you. -No, don't. -All right. -I was being your friend because I want to keep Hiroshima in the Soyuz Library. -Hey, you know what? -Good job. Locking it in, asshole. -You want to hurt me. -I don't. You want to wink at me before it's you. And I vote it for you. -You want to wink at me before it's you. And I voted for somebody else, even if I already had you locked in. -The Academy Award goes to Big J. [ Laughter ] -Wow. -The acting. The acting right now. Never have I been more convinced that this is Big J. Did you just hire Hitler? What the fuck was that? [ Laughter ] -I was throwing my heart to people. [ Laughter ] -He's doing the Elon Musk thing. [ Laughter ] -My heart goes to you. Oh, my God. -Are you Jewish? My heart goes to black lady. Hey, black lady, my heart goes to you. -Black lady. -Hey, you black bitch. My heart's going to you. [ Laughter ] My heart's going to you, my black lady. [ Laughter ] -What are you thinking, Panji? -Suck, balls. -I don't know. -Lewis, you got everybody, dude. This was a good move by you. If this is you, and I'm locked in that it is, you fucking got people good. -All right, I'm going with Peyton. -Oh, fuck. You cock sucker. -Is this Big J overacting? -Fuck you. -Alex. -Oh, and I didn't put my-- -Oh, I'm sorry. -We'll give you a fake answer. -No. -You're going to stall. You're going to be the first asshole. -I think this is-- -Oh, it's Big J overacting. -Someone's taking-- -Rockin' up. -Good. -If it's not you, dude. -It's not me. -Wow. Someone's fucking killing it. -If you're still acting, there's no reason for this. [ Laughter ] -We're all-- -We're all-- -Are you just practicing? - I didn't understand the play to the black man. (audience laughing) Choose Blacks, both slaves. Alexandra, please. Story number four, belongs to Peyton Ruddy. [APPLAUSE] Pangey saw it. I am. I may come from a third world country, but I have a first grade brain, you guys. You might be almost a perfect game right now. I'm not everybody voted for him before. Thank you. All right. I would just like to say good-bye. I'm sorry that happened, Miss. [LAUGHTER] Peyton, is there any more to the sort of who's this guy that you will apologize for? Just the guy I was in elementary school with, they had the projector down, and they were showing us a slavery video for the first time and I was like-- and they turned the lights on, put the screen up, and I just turned them like, I'm really sorry about that. If it was out of love, it was like a very-- I was like, I don't know what to say. But part of you was like, I bet you this guy could pick a lot of blueberries. [LAUGHTER] Oh, my god. Get him this guy so much pi-filling in his house. [LAUGHTER] Goddammit, Alex, you don't have to say my score, but give us the scores. You can, though. Well, Lewis, you're in last place with zero points. Wow, six. [APPLAUSE] Tied for third place with two points, each big J. Ogerson and Andy Haynes. [APPLAUSE] And second place with eight points, Peyton Ruddy. [APPLAUSE] And in first place with nine points, Ponji. [APPLAUSE] Ponji, you are so close to ironically taking home Hiroshima. Because in 1945, Japan was a long time world superpower, making all sorts of big moves in geopolitics. The United States dropped the little boy-bomb as the Hail Mary in the final days of World War II, wiping out entire blocks instantaneously, leaving devastating loss, and it's wake. [APPLAUSE] Hiroshima, cool day. This is the worst game I've ever played. It's really bad. Is that science fiction? Is that book? Basically. We're at the halfway point of the show. At this point, we're going to do some quick plugs with our guests. Peyton, what do you plug in, my friend? I'm on tour right now. If anybody wants to come to a show at PeytonRuddyLive.com, or punchup.live/ PeytonRuddy, I'm on tour for the rest of the year. And all of the next, you're pretty much. So please come to a show. Appreciate it. Very funny. Peyton Ruddy, hilarious. [APPLAUSE] Angie, I have a special ad on YouTube. It's called Boss Level. It's a tape the last year, so that's probably it. Yeah, Boss Level on YouTube, you guys. [APPLAUSE] Mr. Haynes. I am taping a special at the Bell House, May 30th. And anybody in this room that wants to go can come for free. So DM me, I would love you there. I need asses and seats. Go support. Yeah, come on out. Andy's hilarious. Go support that. BigJcomedy.com for all my dates. And then, of course, listen to the Bonfire five days a week faction, talk series six and 103. With me and the great Robert Kelly. Belegina Skanks, the flagship show right over here, guest digital. And if you want, you can watch me on the Kevin Hart roast on Netflix, right? Yeah. Kill them. Kill them. [APPLAUSE] Congratulations. Thank you. So funny. Come see me on the road and Lewis of Skanks.com. And if you love the show, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show with pre-release. Comes out every Monday night. You don't have to wait until Thursdays to watch it on YouTube or elsewhere. You can watch it on gas-digital.com. Just subscribe to gas-digital. Use the promo code war. You save a couple bucks a month that supports the show directly. And you can watch the show both ad-free, uncensored. And plus, you get about 50 episodes that are no longer available on YouTube or anywhere else. So support the show. Also buy my book. I got a book called Knives and Spoons. You guys can get it right now on Amazon or at Barnesandobles.com. And yeah, let's talk about the second half, Jay. Well, the second half, Lewis, you probably feel like shit, dude. No, because I know. Why'd you've been coming to the city? You dumbfuck. Nope. You sure just called and sick. You've had a worthless time being here. You've affected the game's zero. I'm going to-- In no way whatsoever. But he's not out. He's not out of this game at all. Let's turn around to one round, because for the second half of the show, we go double points. [MUSIC PLAYING] Holy shit. It's a pretty simple concept, obviously. Whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you would get one point. And if you guessed the correct story, you would get two points. That now jumps up to double points. [MUSIC PLAYING] Also, you have fucking two points. You're not that much far ahead of me, you cock sucker. Coming up, you like that? We're in third place. Do you're being really emotional right now? No way. I've never been this far behind me, making me furious. Zero. Zero. You're still not fat, zero. Jay was the first person to ever get zero points in an entire game. We got us in that week's ago. This is going to do with anything. You're going to have zero right now. Maybe. Idiot. Alex, story number five. Story number five. I was asked to sing a song by a certain artist while they were in the room. I practiced, panicked, and almost bailed. I saw the artist watching from the back of the room, and I did a great job. This is 110% panjee. Yeah. No. That was my first thought. You know why it's panjee? Because anybody from this country would say who the artist is, whoever you perform for, we have no idea who the fuck it was. [LAUGHTER] Do you tack Rekisack? Yeah. You know? 100%. Honestly, it does look like something I would do. I seriously think. But now, man, first of all, I know it's not you. You don't panic. That's for sure. And you never practice anything. True. I think. Now, OK? I mean, practicing panjee's panicked talking, too. I mean, Asians love karaoke. They're great at karaoke. This is true. Artists is a weird word. But can I say this as well? Like, Big J hangs out with a lot of musicians. He's a great singer. What? You're a great singer. You've done the goddamn comedy. This is making me think it's you. You think it's me. You think I'm a great singer? I could see Andy actually in a room with Michael Bubley. [LAUGHTER] And being like, OK, hang on. Let me-- [CLEARS THROAT] Just haven't met you yet. [LAUGHTER] I can see you, too. I have a feeling it's me. See, Jay can also be hiding the artist, because it could be somebody like fucking corn or rob zombie or something like that. And he doesn't want to give it that-- But you don't need to be a good singer to go, wha-ha-ha-ha. You don't need to. [LAUGHTER] So. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERING] [APPLAUSE] [INAUDIBLE] I think I'm just crazy. What's bothering me is, why would the artist ask one of us to sing a song? That would be-- that's kind of wild, right? Now, if you're the biggest comedian in Indonesia-- [LAUGHTER] Yeah, this does have big, fob vernacular. I don't know, dude. Well, I was asked to sing a song by a certain artist, while they were in the room. I feel like I would know if Big Jay was asked to sing a specific song by that artist. I've never been asked to sing a song. Yeah, you have. You've been like, I'm going to come with you. I'm sure you have, I'm sure you have. Would you please bless us with this song? It seems like a weird-- The thing that surround me off is, and I did a great job, I feel-- Yeah. That's not an American way to talk. [LAUGHTER] I like it, though. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I don't know what to say, man. It doesn't like me. An artist was fun-good. [LAUGHTER] You got to not use Google translate the next time you do these. I'm with Payton. I think I'm going with Payton on this one. Oh, you're out. Oh, Payton, you're OK. He said, me. I'm like, what? I'm going with your choice. Yeah. Oh, man, 100%. Fuck, dude. I think Big J's racking up points right now. That's my first instance. I'm not ignoring my first instance anymore. I've been doing that all night and fucking up my game. You're going to fucking up my answer. All right. Oh, I was, Pangey, fuck. [LAUGHTER] Fuck. Alex. Story number five belongs to Big J. 100%. Yes. Yes, fuck you. Fuck you, dude. [LAUGHTER] (laughter and applause) - Goddamn it. - Wow. - New son of a bitch, it was puddle of mud, wasn't it? - No, I wish. No, when I did the National Comedy Festival years ago, at Kid Rock, they did a comedy jam at Kid Rock's bar. - And what? It's Kid Rock's same shits. - Yeah, yeah. So we did a, so me and Josh Atomars, and we're gonna do a ball with the ball. And then, so when I went on stage, and we did the song, I looked off into this and I saw Kid Rock standing by the door, and just sitting there kind of watching, and I was like, "Oh shit, it's gonna be so fun." And I went up there, and I mean, we fucking crushed that song. It went so fucking good. And then as soon as we were done, I looked over again and realized, that was just another white guy with pig tails. (laughter) He wasn't there at all. (laughter) So I never got the reformed name. ♪ My name is Big ♪ (laughter) Big baby. (laughter) - Oh, I'm on the board. That's nice. - Hey. - And Alex Warren points at. - All right, in last place with two points, Andy Hanks. - What? (applause) - What am I gonna tell my audience? - Fourth place with four points. Lewis J. Gomez. (applause) - Tied for second place with eight points, each Big J. O'Coursen and Peyton Ruddy. (applause) And in first place with nine points, Ponji. (applause) - Ooh, I'm coming back, baby boys. All right, let's take a quick moment. Thank factor meals for being a long time supporter of story wars, factor meals is great. Meals that are designed by dieticians and prepared by real chefs in just a couple of minutes, there's no planting, no cooking, no dishes. It comes right to your door, you pop it into the microwave, it is chef quality, high quality meals, lots of diversity. If you're doing, I've done meal prepping in the past, you're having the same meal five days a week, three meals a day, it's boring. This is a great way to get some delicious, high quality stuff, stay on track with whatever your goals are, and actually really enjoy what you're doing. And a guy like me, my son stays with me a few days a week. I'm alone more than half the time. This is great for those single dudes specifically. - Yeah, just Louis eating over a sink by himself. - Void of any kind of love in his life. But you could also, you could also-- - I don't need love when I have factor meals. - Yeah, in two minutes, you could love on that fucking flame and yawn. - Yeah, dude. - You know, I've been fucks with factor for a long, long time. Years now, in fact, they are a great default. Even, I said, we get home late from work, not a lot of options open. And even if you want to order food, it's expensive. You're rarely satisfied, especially that time of night. If you're a late eater, kind of have to be like I am. For sure, this is great. You don't feel terrible about yourself, especially when you go to sleep so close to eating. - Pretty fantastic company. If you head right now, two, factor meals.com/Wars50Off, and then use the code "Wars50Off" to get 50% off and free daily greens per box. Now, here's what I'll say. At the end of all this, you're getting 50% off. So understand, they're not just gonna make that easy. All right, so now it's gonna hand you 50% off. You're gonna have to go to factor meals.com/WarsWithAZ50Off. So a lot of ARZ50Off. And then use the same thing as the code and then "Wars50Off" - If it was easy, if it was easy, guess what everyone would, everyone would just be having 50% off, right? So you do that, so this is a matter for the people who want to work for it a little bit. - Yeah, and it's also for new subscriptions only and while supplies last until September 27th, 2026. So get on it now, see website for more details. Check them out right now, factor meals. Hey, what's up story warriors? It is time to talk about one of our amazing sponsors and it is time to look cool. Get your summer look going with some GLD. GLD, we've talked about 'em now for a while. They have chains, rings, earrings and watches to elevate any look, all at unbelievable prices. It's crazy value for what you spend. There's real gold in every piece, handset stones. This isn't junk shit. You can see and feel the high-quality craftsmanship in every GLD piece. You don't have to go spend tens of thousands of dollars on these things, you're paying for names, you're paying for a quality, quality stuff. You and your son have been turning heads, dude. - Oh yeah, we're going to Spain in a few weeks, where we have our Cuban links ready to rock. I have a new bracelet that I'm going to be wearing as well. Just great, great stuff. Look, I'm not going to go spend a while of the amount of money on jewelry, right? And I never even realized how much I wanted to be blinked out until GLD came on as a sponsor. They look really cool, really great. You see me wearing them, J.U. wear them, my son wears them, Bobby Kelly wears them, we want Max has his Cuban links as well. It's genuinely a great company. And this is an insane deal. The fact is, they give you a lifetime warranty with all your piece, you're going to have them for life. You're going to give these to your grandkids, these pieces, right? But we're going to give you four more. - I'm going to give it to your grandkids. - Give it to whatever you want to my grandkids. You old pervert. - Yeah, I like it. - Give it to 'em, dude. - My grandkids are going to be, dude, all grandkids are going to be gay in the future. They're going to love it. - Oh, you little hot porter recon grandkids. - Use the code wars with the ZWA-RZ to get 40% off at GLD.com. That's an insane deal. W-A-R-Z, 40% off. Make a story for your family with GLD.com. Code wars with the Z for 40% off. - All right, where were we? Alex, story number six. - Story number six. I slept on an air mattress for over a year. It would lose all of its pressure every night and I'd wake up on a hard floor every morning. - Now, I would just like to say something. (laughing) - Really quick. I know I've been lying a little bit through this show. This is not me. I swear to God. I promise you, this is a story I could send, but I did not send this one. - Yeah, this is a fat guy story or a poor person story or a fat poor person story, which Jay was for a good 30 years of his life. For 38 years of my life, quite honestly. Maybe 42. - Did you ever sleep on an air mattress? - No. - This feels like, this feels like you. - That's what you were talking about. - You were a fucking vagrant. I never slept on an air mattress in my life, but also even if I slept on an air mattress it's like once a few, but never for like a fucking over a year, no way. I remember my mom's house to an apartment where I had a fucking bed and then I never stopped having beds. I guess it was that point. Call me crazy. - Oh, you were a big J.S. Benz. - Oh, yeah. - You were a fucking rich guy over here. - You were a raging loser. - I think. - You didn't give a fuck, dude. You would sleep anyway. You would've brought a chick back to your life. - You're a fucking flat air mattress. - You have to be quiet when you suck my dick 'cause my fucking landlord lives with me. It's my drug dealer's mom. This is all real shit. - It is real. - That was a bad thing. That was a bad thing. - Fuck you, dude. This is Louis. - J.S. Voting. - J.S. Voting very quickly. - Yup. - I have a thing. - J.S. Voting very quickly because trying to push it on me, yeah. - Because of the air mattress guy. You can just hurt my explanation. You know I'm right. - Vote for me. - If you believe it's me, vote for me. - I'm not 100% positive yet. - No, it's not a big one in the panel. - But I am, I am, it is you are talking about what? - You're talking a lot. - This is what you're doing. - Anybody's not a stop it, don't touch that. Don't be an asshole. - Vote for me, dude. - I'm gonna vote for you. - You believe in me. - You believe in me, vote for me. - Don't shit. - And let me say this. Let me make this very important. - It's not you. - Vote for me. - Big J, there can be two stories in a row. It's happened plenty of times. Big J is having a full-fledged meltdown in front of everybody. - Is that what's happening? - Yes. - Where am I killing it? - You, the crowd loves me and they know, then vote for me. - Point, I'm gonna vote for you, fuckface here. Look, big J, vote for you, your fucking asshole. Big act to Big J. - You guys have a prize. - I think. You're, by the way, you're about to let J, pull ahead of everybody because he's fucking acting like an asshole. - This is so weird. - Panger. (laughing) - That's so weird. - Moons are so happy, he just got some points. - I slept on an M mattress for over a year and it would lose. - Fuck me, it could be. - It would lose. - It could be bad. - Nobody said, it would lose all of its pressure overnight. That sounds like that, and that's not a racist thing. I just, nobody, I think, says. - No, I'm gonna tell you, Peyton, it was a little racist. (laughing) - But it's great, no. - I know, I'm not. - But when you're a book. - I'm merely putting it in perspective. - I realize that we should read every story in a New Asian accent just to make sure. - I think. - The only thing he's making me think he might not mind me. - But it is, it's really not. Now I think it could be Pangey if it's not Jay, but Jay's acting crazy. - I agree. - But Pangey's rich in Indonesia, so I don't think he would do that. (laughing) - But who says, oh, it's up to an air mattress and all the pressure let out last night. - That's not right. - No, I think it's Andy, maybe Andy. - Oh, if it's fucking Andy, I'll close it. - Aw, everybody's in. - It's not Andy. - It's shit. Alex. -Look at your face, you f**k. -So happy. -Oh, f**k, it might be any point you had right now. -He's going to get double points here. -Alex. -Story number six belongs to Lewis J. -Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank, f**king God. -Well, Jay, I guess you nailed me. [ Laughter ] There was multiple years where I lived on an air mattress. Fine! Then, yes, I brought girls back and f**ked them on the air mattress. What am I going to knock it late? That's crazy. -You have to come before the top of the mattress hits the floor. -I lived in actually a very, very nice apartment in downtown Brooklyn. Me and my buddy, Forest, and it was a giant loft, open loft. It was so cool. We had a drum set and a video game station. My bedroom was a six-person tent in the middle of this f**king loft. And in that tent was an air mattress that would lose air every single night. And it would wake up with my neck all cranked and my back all f**ked up. And that was a full-year moment. -Well, if you were having a blast that year, imagine just now, if that was your life, you're like, "F**k, I've blown it completely." -I still think it's pangy. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -He won't let it go. He won't let it go. -Oh, f**k, Alex. Where are our points at, 'cause I am coming back, baby. -All right. In last place with six points, Andy Haynes. [ Cheers and applause ] -Still in. -Tied for third place with eight points each. Lewis, Jay Gomez, and Peyton Ruddy. [ Cheers and applause ] In second place with nine points, pangy. [ Cheers and applause ] -This could be one of the nights, folks. -Wow. -Could be one of the nights? -I'd in first place with 12 points. -Wow. -Bid, Jay, Oprah, Sam. [ Cheers and applause ] -God, f**k it, damn it. God, damn you, double points. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -I love watching girls do the -- 'cause they can't do it. -Is that like -- [ Cheers and applause ] -We have two more sores. You guys having fun tonight? -Yo, remember that -- [ Cheers and applause ] Remember that guy got beat up before the show? [ Laughter ] He said he kicked someone's ass, but I'm just going to keep back like he got beat up. Remember that beat up and then had to come to the show? -Well, he almost bursted by a bomb. -Sure, dude, whatever. Yeah, whatever. That's not what the cops told me. [ Laughter ] Alex, story number seven. [ Cheers and applause ] -Story number seven. I once had to perform without my underwear because I had thrown them away in a city trash bin after shitting myself on the way to the comedy club. I crushed it, though. -Now, I would just like to say something really nice. [ Laughter ] -Oh, your pressure is shitting. -What comedy clubs do you have to enter through a window? [ Laughter ] -The seller? -The seller. -I don't -- Peyton wouldn't give two stories about him, shitting. -You'd be surprised. -You don't know. -A city trash bin, again, seems like a -- a foreign thing. -To call it a city trash bin? -I could totally see baby. -But if you throw away your underwear in Jakarta, you do get camed. [ Laughter ] -Don't put bamboo under your fingernails for some shit like that. -I could see Jay crushing a burger right before a set and being like, "Oh, I'm in a pickle right now." -No. No, you almost heard Alex making noise there. I'll try not to eat until -- -Did you have to commute to the city? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'll eat first time in the day, two o'clock in the morning if I have to perform. I try to not eat it all before shows. So everyone -- in my mind, everyone will think I'm thin until they -- [ Laughter ] -He's tricking everyone. -And then they will eat McDonald's and I'll fucking bounce back to the normal size. [ Laughter ] -Can I say this out like Andy, you're in good shape, you're, you know, you're tall, you're -- This is like -- I feel like people tell stories about shitting themselves. Most of the time, it's not a fact. That was very surprising. It was Peyton because that's embarrassing and I would never share that about myself if I had your body type. -I could -- Andy does look like a guy who's like got shitty underwear in his hand, like running into a coffee shop. You guys have a bathroom! [ Laughter ] -I'm gonna go with, you know what? I think Peyton has loose balls. [ Laughter ] -No. I mean, I don't -- don't do this. I'm telling you. -Because right on the nose, I mean, Peyton's mind -- By the way, I did a podcast of Peyton earlier on today. He only had a very short amount of time 'cause he had to show himself. [ Laughter ] -I'm gonna go shoot myself in the park real quick, so if this is -- [ Laughter ] If that would be offense, all -- [ Laughter ] -I'm also getting Peyton vibes. Very often, when you -- the first thing you think, that's who it is. And Peyton could have easily put into -- Sorry, Peyton, how many stories did she submit today? -I submitted four. -Four stories. -I'm telling you, it's -- I'll do the big Jay thing. You can vote for me all you want. -Okay, thank you. -I'll do that. -It's not me. I'm telling you. [ Laughter ] -He did give you permission. -I got it. -It's actually with Bob Bell. He's gonna like me. He was like, "No, I want you to." I was like, "Oh, then I want you." -Ponji, have you ever seen yourself? -It's Andy, man. I know it is. -Not until after I graduate elementary. I don't -- I don't see myself after I graduated elementary. -What about when you got our amazing American food and your -- [ Laughter ] -Your weird octopus soup fucking stomach wasn't ready for it. [ Laughter ] -A cookies and cream milkshake? That's gonna play a fucking -- -I used to eat -- I used to eat food from the third world country. -Yeah. -Everything in New York is clean and pristine. -Oh, my God. -Yeah. -So much better than Guano Paster, fuck. [ Laughter ] -What else is something you need? -Just grubs from underneath the tree. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wood grubs. -Yeah. Andy, you know what I mean? Here's the other thing. Peyton is a very great writer. He's very funny. I feeling like Peyton wouldn't put in two shitting stories for that reason and that reason only. -Also, if I shit myself right before my set, I'm bombing. [ Laughter ] This person included, I crushed it, though. -I also feel like a Peyton shit himself is gonna ruin more than justice underwear. -Yeah, it's gonna ruin my night. [ Laughter ] I can't shit myself, throw it out, and have a good set. Andy's a little -- a little twinky guy. -Yeah, that is true. -He poops -- Andy poops like a rabbit. -I think if I shit my pants, I just go -- I'm not doing this set. I'll go, "Oh." [ Laughter ] -Yeah. But the -- I crushed it, though. Sounds similar to the -- What the -- what was -- -Kirok. -That's right. That is -- -Yeah. -But I did that very specifically to -- because if the story got read, I wanted to be able to go and then also the person wasn't Kid Rock at all. -It's not me, though. -Yeah. -My instinct is saying, Andy, but now you're kind of convincing me that it's Big J. Ponji -- Ponji, why don't you do an impression of what you think Big J would sound like reading this story? -I once had to perform. [ Laughter ] Without my underwear, because I threw them away in the city trash bin after I crushed them. -You know, I crushed them. -I shit myself on the way to the comedy club. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, you shit myself in the comedy club. Crush it, though. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, I'd perform it at my underwear. -Andy, what do you think? You're being very quiet over here. -I'm totally at a loss. -He's currently shitting himself. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -He's making this. -I'm shitting my second pair of boxers that I'm gonna throw away. No, I don't -- I'm really at a loss. -Penji, what are we thinking here? -I'm trying to -- I'm trying to -- -I'm going with Big J. -Oh, shit, dude. Someone's -- Who did I say? -Fuck. -The -- I crushed it, though, is what's making me think it's Big J. -Yeah. -Really? -Yeah. -You're cocky. -I don't say that at all. -No, it's cocky, and you're underwear. You threw them out. -I'm wearing this underwear. -Well, it's not you. You're taking too long to vote, so I know it's not you. But that's a crazy -- Really, you think I'm an eye-crushed-it guy? -Yeah. -I'm just that person. -You really think that? -Yeah. Really? -I'm still voting for Andy, but you're my second vote. -You were on Molly that night. [ Laughter ] -Now, all of our answers are in. -Story number seven belongs to Pongi. [ Cheers and applause ] -Give me my double points, you guys. -Did he just get a fucking perfect around? Oh, my God. [ Laughter ] -Damn it. -That's huge. -I am both lactose intolerant and anidate. I had to -- I was from flushing going into the stand. -Shoulda flushed those underwear. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, you were flushing. -I was already crazy on the seventh train. I'm not religious, but I'm reciting all the prayers in the Holy Quran. And then, yeah, I just -- I just -- I can't think straight, and I just, I remember there's this one club, I know I took a shit there and so I took off from the seven trade, went there, took a shit, but it's too late, had to throw it away. - This happened in the past two years? - Yeah. - That's crazy. - It happened in 2023. - What club? - Holy shit. - I had to perform at the stand, but I threw it outside producer's club. - Okay. - Yeah, fuck them. - We're directors, guild people. - All right, Alex, we're our points guys. - In last place with six points, Andy Haines. - Tied for third place with eight points, each, Lewis, Jay Gomez, and Peyton Ruddy. - What's going on? - In second place with 12 points, Big Jay Ogerson. - And in first place with 17 points, Pongi. - At this point, just so you know, the only person who's got a chance to catch up to Pongi is Big Jay Ogerson, so you're our only hope for it to keep this in the story where it's library. - I'm the only hope. - You're only going to bring home the hope to keep it in America. - You God damn right. - Here is Shima Suste here. Here is Shima follows the survivors of said bomb as they live in Japan through injury, loss, and a radiation sickness, no one fully understands. - Make no mistake, the bomb didn't just destroy a city, it reshaped every life it touched long after the moment of impact. - It's a great book. - I've read it twice. - We have one more story, ladies and gentlemen, you ready for final story? Come on folks. Alex, story number eight. - Story number eight. - Once in my 20s, I got blue balls so bad that when I eventually busted, I came so hard that I hit the opposite wall with force. - That sounds like a guy being launched of an air mattress. - Yeah, who says busted? - You went so far deep into it when you came, you launched into the back of the wall and the. - Yeah, I'm eventually busted. - But the way the guy says it once in my 20s, like it's a long time ago. - Yeah, how old are you, Peyton? - I'm 42, no, I'm 25. - Okay, so it's not Peyton, no. - It's either you or Jay. - Me and Big Jay. - Or Louie. - We don't have the type of reach to hit an opposite wall with force. - But it would be a story if we did. - Wait, I'm confused. Did the Jizz hit the wall or did you come so hard that it like launched you into the back of the wall? - Wow. - Because I'm thinking that you were like. - I didn't even think about that. - You were pushed back by your own looks. - Like Marty McFlyde into the wall, you know what I mean? - Yes, yes. - So. - You can be Louie's. - Your load had the power of a fucking space amp. - It can't be Louie's because he lived in a loft. - It would be too big. - I mean, I lived in many apartments in my dorm. - No, but don't remember, he was in a tent, so he had to hit the other side of the tent. - Oh. - Okay, that is technically a wall. - It's a close distance. - But the opposite wall with force is also something a cocky person would say. - It's true. - When I eventually busted, I don't feel like that's how Andy talks. Maybe it is. Maybe the guy's a total perv. - Maybe I've had him all wrong. Maybe that mustache is saying something I didn't understand this first. - I think it's big J, honestly. - Yeah, busted is not something I say. - Yeah, busted is a. I used to be a wigger word. - Busted is something current fucking spigger would say. - Oh. - Oh. - Damn. - Whoa. - Whoa. - Whoa. - Whoa. - Holy shit. - Oh, guys. No, come on. Take my heart. Take my heart. Guys, see I have a good heart. I'm sending it to you. I give you my heart. - Yeah, Asians aren't saying busted. That's insane. - Maybe. - If Lewis has to jerk off, he jerks off. - Yeah. - I don't feel like you get blue balls. Like you're like, "Oh, I got no time." - If Peyton had blue balls, he would eat them thinking they were blueberry. - Blueberry. - Is this pie filling? - No, no, no, no. - That's why I couldn't get in the window. My balls were so big. My balls were huge. I couldn't get in the window. - I thought my mom used to be blueberry pie. It was cum. - Yeah. - I started coming. - Sorry. I forget what I said. - I think it's big J here. I think-- - Yeah, busted is this the word here. - It sounds like it goes with big shorts. - My blue balls are my big shorts. - I gotta know what the blue balls were from. - Yeah, but blue balls, I feel like, is a myth. - No. - Have you-- - Okay. - I agree. - What did you do to your shirt? - I never had paint. - I never had paint because I was like-- - I need to fix it. - I didn't-- - Ow! - You've never left a strip club with your balls hurting? - No. - I thought blue balls were hurt. - I guess it's just me. - I always assume blue balls are like a term for the situation. Like, I thought I was gonna fucking, I didn't. I've never felt a physical pain from it. - That's real. - That sounds like bullshit. - You better start making one with the pussy bitch. Stop making this guy. He seems like a good guy. You're making him go to work in pain all the time. Because your precious pussy-- - I don't usually say that. - He's like, she's a real slut. I never get blue balls with her. - No, dude, this girl's an open fucking false to do whatever I need. She's there for-- - I went bit-- - Wait, you're saying you've never had blue balls? - Not in anything. I would say the metaphoric blue balls in the sense of-- - You never dry-humped and then didn't come. - Is this Andy? (laughter) - This is crazy. (laughter) - That is cool for sure. - I had pangy almost locked in. I'm going with Andy. That line of questioning was crazy. - Yeah, I've never gotten, like, not been able to come. And then my balls hurt. Never in my life. - Dude, distract me. My balls hurt. I need a friend now. (laughter) Come over and play video games. My balls are hurt. - Wait, there's one way to figure out who this was. After you came, how did you set it the comedy club go? (laughter) - I had to find out. - I slaughtered. - I think it's Big J. I wouldn't say busted. - A lot of people wouldn't put Big J. Look, if this is not, let me say J. - I wasn't going to say pangy, but I went with Andy. - Fuck me, dude. It doesn't matter for me. I can't win. - Well, you're giving points to somebody, maybe. - So, pangy is really far ahead right now. I mean, I think at this point, even if I vote for pangy, it's not going to matter. I'm going to go, who I think it is. I think it's Big J, Randy. Who do you guys think? - Big J. - Clipy Randy, we think, hold on. Clipy Randy, we think it's Big J. Clipy Randy, we think it's Andy. - We think it's Big J. - My vote is for Peyton Reddy. - Oh, come on. - Andy Haynes, my final vote. I'm going with the audience just because why not? - Big J. - Alex. - The final story belongs to Andy Haynes. - Oh, my God. (audience cheering and clapping) - I hit the opposite wall with force, Andy. - Did you take back the lead? - Huh? - I don't know. - Wow, let it come. - Jay. - Unbelievable. - Crazy. - Andy. - Andy, tell us about the time that you got blue ball so badly, that you came so hard that you hit the opposite wall. - So this girl that was my girlfriend in college was a virgin and so we weren't having sex, but we dry humped all night. And then I didn't come and so I was like, what do I do? And so I just laid there for hours in my balls, ached and ached and ached. And then at like 6am, I couldn't take it anymore, so I went into the shower to jerk off. And when I'm telling you, when I jerk, when I came, it hit the wall with super-sorcer force. - Like it, like it, like it could have cleaned off grout. - Like it was, my balls were like convulsive. It was insane. - I don't hate when you're wasted on just yourself. - Yeah, I was, I've got maybe, in 40, in 48 years, all of my best clothes ended up happening on my own chest or legs. It's never been on a grower. It's like, oh my God, this is crazy, how much? It's never. It's always like, oh, did you come? And I go, yes. I suppose those little tears are on your fucking cheeks are. Alex, give us our final scores. - All right, in last place with eight points, Peyton Roddy. - Dammit. (audience cheering) - And fourth place with 10 points, Andy Haynes. (audience cheering) - Thank you. - In third place with 12 points, Lewis J. Gomez. - Nice. (audience cheering) - It's a respectable score. - Second place, scored 16 points. And your winner tonight. with 17 points. Wow. Pongi. (audience cheering) - By one point, what a great game, you're margin. You're new a story warrior. Pongi. Double points, you got to thank you so much. Thank you, double points. Double points. Thank you. Thank you so much. - Appreciate it. - Pongi, you're taking home. - Here, Ashima by John Hersey. - This is gonna be very painful for you to read. - It's gonna be very painful. (audience laughing) - To hear the recollections of your grandparents as they went through radiation poisoning. (audience laughing) - Our newest story warrior, Pongi. Thank you so much for being here. - Thank you, man. - Thank you. - To our amazing panel, Peyton Ruddy. (audience cheering) - Andy Haynes. (audience cheering) - Pongi, you're new a story warrior. (audience cheering) - Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us the story wars. I'm Big J. Alkerston. - I'm Louis J. Gomez. - Till next time, peace. (audience cheering) (upbeat music)