Pete Holmes: Gimme a donut...Really! | Whiskey Ginger

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So if you like hockey, laughs, and hearing how players really see the game, you are in the right place. Let's get into it. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom-scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options. Prices are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series presented by FanDuel. Hey, Whiskey Ginger fans, tonight, tonight, tonight, me and Bobby Lee are going to be at the YouTube Theater right here in Los Angeles, California. YouTube Theater. Come out and see the bad friends. Probably the only show we're going to do together this year, tonight. The tickets are at andrewsantino.com, and so are June 28th. I'm in San Diego at The Sound. And just so you know, I'm in San Diego. July 24th, I'm at the Ameristar Casino in St. Charles, Missouri. Basically, St. Louis. St. Louis, come see me July 24th. San Diego, June 28th. And tonight, tonight, May 8th, the bad friends are going to be at the YouTube Theater right here in L.A. for the Netflix's The Joke Fest. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. andrewsantino.com. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Junior. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I really, really mean it today. It is the return of Mr. Pete Holmes. It's good to be here. I'm sorry. I don't want to stop you from your ribs. Well, don't, don't, don't. These are great shoes. You talked about mine. These are comfy bumpkins, and you've got great shoes. These are. Thirteen and a half? These are thirteens. Yeah, I can always tell. You know, I can always pinpoint. But those home, home slippers, they do something. You know what they do? Tell me. They say, I'm successful enough that I don't need to wear regular shoes. These are sandlers. But I care enough. These aren't sandals. These are sandlers. I wear open-toe sandlers. Adam Sandlers. Because Sandler dresses like a, like a beach hoe. Why doesn't he start a clothing line of the Sandler collection? I would wear a FUBU like a. We just have FUBU outside. FUBU. If Adam Sandler started a sweatpant company, it would be called FUBU. FUBU. FUBU. FUBU. Oh, you think you're better than your FUBU? Oh, shabba-doo. Oh, shabba-dodo. It doesn't matter how many fucking amazing dramatic roles you do. This is you. Ah-do-da-da-do. They're like, how come the Uncut Gems designs aren't selling at all? And the, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, those are selling off the shelves. But think about that. Jim Carrey did it too. He came out of a rhino's asshole, spoke out of his butthole. Yes. And people remember that more than they remember Eternal Sunshine. Eternal Sunshine. By a landslide. By, people don't know that's him. They think that's his brother, Craig Carrey. Isn't that Kate Winslet and Craig Carrey? Craig Carrey. Craigus. But wearing a slipper. This is California chic. God, I love you so much, Pete. Every time I see you, I get- I'm like tall, lean Bobby Lee. Mm-mm. Mm? You're much better. Fatter. No, better. Fatter is better these days. Ozempic. Well, and also- Ozempic. Ozempic. Ozempic. I see a skinny person, and you're like, "Who cares?" Now I want muscles. Because they didn't earn it. Muscles. That's what I mean. Well, you're- Well, I'm just kind of flopping around. In shape P. ISP. The ISP, baby. What's the ISP of this address? Is that our internet thing? I look to you. Yeah, now you see a skinny that didn't earn it, and I do kind of want to just- It's bullshit. I want to hit him with the ranch hose. You were a fat boy. And scream, "I know you wanted this." Yeah, I was- You were a little fat boy, so you go- If you're the fattest boy in your class, you're the fat kid. Yeah, it looks like Pete ate a home. Oh, my God. You eating homes? More like gingerbread homes. Mean. They called me Biter Shaft. Sorry? We learned the parts of the penis. Two stories about this. One, they were like, "It's the head." Yeah. Or in England, the bellend. Bellend. You're right. Bellend. No, you are. You're a fucking bellend. And by the way, they would think these are awful. And to me, they're perfect. No, mine's pretty close. They're perfect. Let me see. Oh, you're fucking bellend. Oh, hello. A baked potato. Can you believe that? As if you- That's great. Well, you do bake it, don't you? There's no jacket on it. You can't zip up a potato skin, can you? I like that you can't look at me to do it. Well, I have to look away. If I look at you, I'll laugh. If I look at you, I'm going to cry. Hello. I've got to look away when I do bellend. I know. All right then. All right then, fucking American. You all right? You've got a potato. We like potato chips. That's what they think we are. Yeah. I like potato chips. No, you know the one word they think we love? When I go, "Do an American accent." Yes. When I'm over there, they always go- They do country. They go, "Well, hey, dude. What's going on, dude man?" Right. That's how they. That's what we say. And you're saying mate, which sounds like you're fucking England on blast. England on blast. Shots fired. You've got a lady on your money. What if that was my take? Shut the fuck up. You've got a lady on your. I'm just kidding. I'm sure they're making new ones with the weird fucking guy. No. Lady's still on the money. Lady? Prince Andrew's still on the money, too. Prince Andrew on the money? Yeah. Because he murdered somebody or something? I don't know the ref. Prince Andrew? He's an Epstein guy. He's an Epstein guy. Oh. He's like the most famous Epsteiner, right? Prince Andrew. Help me. Is that Prince William's brother? No, that's Prince- It's Prince Andrew is- I don't know royal family. It's like knowing Pokemon. No, I don't know. Oh, you didn't find the armadillo? We have an armadillo in charge of our country. Fucking a whole country built on Pokemon. Oh, no. I don't know royal family. This is Bertrump. This is Bertrump. Bertrump. Bill Trump. No, I'm serious. Women shouldn't be in charge. I can say it. I'm married to a woman. Who is he? He's Queen Elizabeth's son. Queen Elizabeth's son. Right. Was on the Epi. Brother, he was like- He had an Epi pen? He was one of the biggest dogs. They kicked him out of the royal family. He was so prevalent on the Epstein. He was so Epi. It's not like they were like- I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure. He was one of the biggest dogs on the Epstein. He was so Epi. It's not like they were like, "Hey, this is all speculative and these are all accusations." No, brother. He's like, "Photos. Hey, caught evidence. It's endless." Wow. And also, nothing will happen to him. Well, no. Didn't they? Did they try to jail him in England? Because England is at least. They try to catch you. You know what they. Look, Flanny. Flanny. Love Flanny. At Largo. One of the greatest humans alive. He's sad in Belfast. You know how Flanny has a tough. He has got a Belfast. He's such a sweet. I love him to death. But he will. Catch him in the. You can see him in a lock, stock, and smoke and barrel. I've seen him have to be rough, kicking somebody out or whatever. Love. Nothing mean. Appropriate. But he can get real focused and protective. Love Flanny to death. He's my favorite. He talked about in Belfast, he's like, "If you are a pedophile in Belfast, if they find out, they put a note in your mailbox that says, 'How are your knees for dancing?' And then if you don't stop, they take you in front of the whole town and break your fucking knees." That's amazing. I'm just saying. I know it's the Belfast. Handle it Belfast. The Belfast way. Do it fastly. Yeah. Do it Bell quickly. Bell palsy. Bell palsy fast. Cerebrally palsy. No. Cerebrally palsy. Cerebral jokes. Cerebral jokes. Keep the palsy. Palsy. Palsy. Wonderful. Flanny, when you say. It is sort of fucked. I think all cultures have always had something to do to make it not a fucking thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pettifile Island. Can we call it that? Can't do it. Pettifile Island. I'm not even a political guy. The new special. It's all politics. And you'll be shocked at my takes. Everyone's going to love him. It's very impossible to do. But the Reds love him. Red Hat. They love him. It's really hard to not do it. Trump? Because it's everywhere. He talk funny. He talk so funny. He talk funny. He talk funny. He speak like a man who. He kind of looks like a rooster chicken, like a tan rooster chicken. It's getting better though. He looks like. For some reason, it's getting better. He looks like. Foghorn Leghorn, kind of. You would think with money and power, you'd figure it out. He goes the other way. When you hear reports of the smell too, like I believe he smells. He kind of looks like he might smell. What do you think? What is it? I don't know. Take a wild guess. Sauerkraut? Nah, it's too veggie. It's not sauerkraut. Yeah, it's too veggie. No. Ranch? Yeah. Old ranch. Old ranch. That valley should have stayed hidden is all I'm saying. Yeah. Old ranch. I think you and I are at the point where we can do a podcast in 15 minutes. Maybe 20. Because you're just like, "What do I need? A couple laps, a little rapport, fun, fun, fun." Yeah, and we're good. But let's be real for two seconds. Be real. We have to plug Pete's amazing new special. Did you see it? You can say if you haven't seen it. I have not seen it. That's fine. Yeah, you know I haven't seen it. - You haven't seen it? - Too many things. - No, you know why? - Still halfway through "Prodigal Daughter." - Well, we just finished "Pluribus" last night. - Oh yeah. - Oh, my God. - Nothing bothered me more than "Pluribus." That's why I liked watching it. - Oh, I loved it so much. - But I just watched it to upset me. - Because it's long and slow and low and endless. - I just don't like how long, I wanted, I like competency porn. - Oh, see, I like incompetency porn. - Yeah, yeah, clearly. - I like fumbling, I like-- - Where the dick just can't fit in. - Belly button, like they don't know what they're doing. - It's the wrong hole, the whole thing. - The whole thing's the wrong hole. - It never gets in. - Wrong hole, beautiful wrong hole. It's just wrong hole. - But "Pluribus" pissed you off, but you enjoyed it. - I screamed at it. Once I realized that's what the show is, but like, when she was like, "Look, 'Pluribus' spoiler coming in, okay?" - Yeah, it's fine, it's been out. - I'm gonna say-- - Oh, he's, don't listen. - Skip forward, I'll be vague, I'll be vague. You won't know what I'm talking about. What she gets at the end, the season one cliffhanger. - I know, that does bum me out. - Who fucking cares? - Who cares, I know. - Who fucking cares? They have two moves. One, season two starts, and they just act like that didn't happen, 'cause it's fucking dumb. If you can murder millions of them by being angry, you don't need to threaten them with a-- - You don't need the bomb. - Yeah. - Oh, sorry. - Sorry. - You don't need the thing. - You don't need the-- - But let's say this. - By the way, I don't even care, you'll still enjoy it, 'cause you see it coming about a mile away. Vincy Gill, wonderful, brilliant, genius. - Genius. - I loved every episode, but the way I, like the guy that won't eat the food, he's like, "I will not eat the food." I'm like, fuck you, starve. Fuck you, starve. That's what the world is. Nothing comes in clean. - Yes. - Give me a donut. - Give me a donut. - Really? - Can we get flying a donut? - That's the new take, my wife, please. Give me a donut. - Give me a donut. - Really? Zoom in. - I get it, I get it. - But give me a donut, I'll tell you the nine ethical-- - And I'm not saying we shouldn't try and be ethical, I'm just saying if you're in a world where everyone's a zombie, but they're bringing you great food, and you're eating dog food, fuck you, fall on that tree, you fucking piece of shit. - Also, dog food's gotta be terrible. - Dog food? - I mean, there's gotta be so-- - Dog food? - Terrible. - You eat food and you go, what is this, for the dog? You're saying no continuity. Some sort of gel coagulation. - Yeah. - It's gross. - It's gross. - Remember in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? - Yeah. - When it slams down in there. - It slams, and you're like, why does everything Brad do make my puss wet? My bowl is my puss, and that dog food just slopped it up. - Slop it up! - And he can fucking, I'll grab my toes and just let him. Oh, cuddling! Me and my wife do a lot of cuddling. - I'll tell you what bothered me. - Cuddling? - Cuddling. - Cuddling-ing. Cuddling-ing. - Is that in the routine? - It's gonna be. - Oh. - Please watch the special, it's available right now. - Silly, silly fun one. - It's available right now. - It's on YouTube.com. - Outside. - And it's on your YouTube. Now. - It's on my YouTube. - It's on your YouTube. - My YouTube. - Let me say this. - You haven't seen it, but you will like it. - No, you know I'm gonna watch it. You know when I need to watch it, though? - Throw it on audio only. - No, do you know when I need to watch it? When I'm in the hotel on the road. My favorite time to watch. In fact, wait, let me rewind real fast. I was sitting in my hotel. - Did we get this from The Sopranos? - Yeah. - The way you kind of. - Let me tell you something. - Like this? - Hey, Tom. - Hey, Tom. - I was sitting in my hotel in Florida back when I did Off the Hook in Destin or wherever it was. And I called you. I called you or I texted you. This is many moons ago. And Nice Try the Devil. - NTD. - That's yours. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I remember complimenting you on it and saying how, do you not remember this? - I'm not for everyone. - No. - Oh, Nice Try the Devil. - I'm almost positive it was Nice Try the Devil. - Okay. - And I had listened to it. I'm on Spootify. - Okay. - Like I listened to the album. - Oh, okay. Yes, I'm with you now. - And I called and told you how glorious it made me feel because on the road is very hard and lonely sometimes. And I said, you know, I'm gonna put on Pete just to like have a gas. - You did the same thing with Gary Goleman's album. - It feels so nice sometimes. - Sometimes when you're doing a lot of comedy and you kind of, I'm not saying this is you, but I'll be like losing my way. - Oh no. - My footing is shifting. - Oh yeah. - I'm kind of like feeling, it's such a dream job and I'm feeling like a grinder. I'm just feeling like ugh. Listening to another comedian that you like, that inspires you, it's like getting a blood transfusion. - It's an IV. I'm getting a drip. - Like you get a pint of Goleman, you get a pint of Holmes. So I'm very touched. - It was incredible and that's when I know I'm gonna watch you because I can't watch people at home. Home gives me anxiety. I-- - No, no, no. - Yeah. - I feel, the way that I get myself ready to do standup is usually, if you go to a show you're gonna go on, you're watching the people that are going up first. Like you might catch a couple of them. - Yeah. - I watch standup, I almost have like a Pavlovian response. Like I'm up soon. - Yeah. - Like it's not chill for me. - No. - But if I'm on the road and I'm already in coyote mode, I'm already a predator. I'm already a beautiful predator. He had yellow blood, bled out and it was acid. I have the same blood. That's the smell of ranch and blood, predator blood. It's not even good, it's just fun. - But it's fun. - I know. - It doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter. - But I want all of our fans, please do me a favor and go watch. - Join my OnlyFans. - Go watch Pete Holmes. - It's on my OnlyFans as well. - "Cock Out," same special, just a dangling-- - And you taped it twice or was it just cut well? It was edited really well. - It was edited well. - So the "Cock Out" version was happening simultaneously as the "Not Cocked." - "Cock Out" we did at noon. - Yeah, a little matinee? - Old people love a cock 'cause they're like, "Look at how robust it is. Mine shriveled like a dried apricot." - "Is that a Coke can or his penis? My God, Pete Holmes has a big one." - A baby arm holding an apple is-- - It's the funniest, it's Austin Powers, Mike Myers. What are you gonna pipe up and say? - I was just gonna say, this is, I mean, there are reports on what Donald Trump smells like. - What is it? - Hit it. - Former representative Adam Kinzinger described it as a mixture of armpits, ketchup, makeup, and a little butt. - A little butt, and a little butt is very funny 'cause you know what a little butt smells like. - You know when you hear something and it has the ring of truth? Like if he was like, "Butt, ketchup, and who gives a shit?" You'd be like, "Oh, you're just trying to get in the news cycle?" This is a man, I feel his desire to connect like that's someone who came running in the house and needed to unload ketchup, armpits, makeup, and a little butt. - Something like fucking, it's a recipe. - When I used to go run around Silver Lake sometimes and you'd pass someone and you'd get a waft of some stank. - Little butt. - And a little bit of butt. That's what that is. It's a little butt. It's not a lot, it's just like a little, like a little waft of butt came by. A little tiny butt goes, "Hello!" And walked on by. - Yeah, yeah, it's not shit, it's actually butt. - No, butt is different than shit. - It does with shit. - Yeah, it gets it ready. Butt is prepping for shit. - Butt is the kitchen we make the shit in. And we're just like, "It smells like the kitchen." - Yeah, it smells like kitchen. Did you butt in here earlier? Smells like butt in here. - Somebody butted in here. I know people that eat ass and they're like, "I like butt." They like butt. - Oh, a lot of people like the butt. - I know, yeah, but like, if I'm gonna, I'm gonna wanna-- - Your wife is listening. - Okay, God, let's back this up. If I'm gonna eat Paul Rudd's asshole again, zoom in, donuts. Okay, look, let's get off butt. But I'm just saying, I'm not at the place where I'm like, I love butt, like the smell, taste. I'd like it to be a neutral to zero, like a zero. Like a LaCroix. - I don't mind a plus one. - You love a plus one? - You want a LaCroix, a LaCroix level of butt. - Because when you drink it, you go, "Ooh, spicy." I like a little bit of spice. Off the butt, off the butt, off the butt, off the butt. When you walk into someone's home-- - Yeah, you smell their butt. - Favorite kitchen smell, least favorite kitchen smell. You walk in a house, by the way-- - Why do I feel like house smells were so much more the '80s? Now I feel like we're just, we got air purifiers. - I'll tell you exactly why. Houses were much smaller back then. You walked into someone's house, you were already almost in the kitchen. - That's right. - The front door was almost already in the kitchen. - That is a fucking great observation. - Not anymore, now these houses, everybody wants a sprawling house, and it's an open concept, but the kitchen's in the very far-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's behind glass. - Yeah, you used to walk into a kitchen. - Yeah, yeah, you were in the '80s, you went in a house, you're in the kitchen. - In the kitchen, yeah. - That's the '80s. And now it's like, we have to give you a tour before you even know there is a kitchen. - Don't like that. - Don't care for it. - They also say it was a heavy use of synthetic materials like vinyl and synthetic carpet that trapped odors. - Oh. - What are you, I'm not making fun of you, what are you, deeply useful? - He is extremely useful, yeah. - That's deeply useful. - But that is true, because also, the couches, the shit material of all the couches in our homes, trapped the smells for days. And we used to smoke inside. - Yeah, smoking inside. - So all this stuff kind of ruminated, but we've talked about this before. My dad used to smoke in the car, and cloth seats were just the only way to live. No one I knew had leather seats, that was insane. - Yeah, yeah, it was just cloth. - And the smell of smoke in a cloth seat on a car, I will say, when the sun is beating on it, so good. - If you're listening-- - That's why trash is finest, dude. - If you're listening and you're driving an Uber or any sort of car, and you smoke in your car and you think no one knows. - These are Lyft drivers that mostly listen to us. - Lyft drivers? - Yeah. - Just know this, everyone is only thinking about how horrible it smells in your car. Sometimes you'll get like, I just was doing press for this, I wrote a kid's book called Spells to Cast on Your Parents. It's available for pre-order now. - That's incredible. - I've read so many things. - Did you really? - I did. - Spells to Cast on Your Parents is available for pre-order, we're gonna have the link in the description down below, please buy that. - I really, would you please? Because it's-- - Of course, what do you mean? - Books, what I mean is to the audience, please pre-order it, it's so fun, it's a book you read with your kid and they cast spells on you. So you get to get laughs from your kid. - Do you do this with your kid? - I did it for my kid. - That was like the temp you were like, I'm gonna test it out. - I bought a blank book from Amazon, you can just-- buy blank books and I made spells to cast on your parents and I read it to Lila and she loved it and we pitched it What's your favorite spell to cast? Well, honestly, it's the sleepy spell One of them makes you fall asleep and I just love an excuse to be like, great Dad, you go to sleep, I do It's like the quiet game, it's the biggest trick It's the oldest trick in the book Or hide and not seek Hide and I'll start seeking in about seven or eight cigarettes You'll know daddy's close when you smell Newports! Is there anything fresher than a Newport? And they call a cigarette a Newport? Look, I'm anti-cigarette I'm anti-cigarette I think I'm ready for them to make a comeback No, I'm JK, a lot of the Adam Driver types the Chalamets are smoking them Is that big again? Because it's this rebellion against the vape against the vape, people don't like vape It's analog And I'll tell you this I don't want to encourage anyone to smoke but when I see a young person smoking a cigarette I'm gonna like, right on They have a bush beer They're listening to the Eagles and smoking a cigarette I'm like, alright Is my Brad Pitt dog bowl getting fucking rimmed right now? You're overflowing Wow Lig that coagulation Lig? I don't say lick, I say lig The worst smell, this is kind of gross but I don't like when people are cooking like a soup that has so many ingredients it becomes one just like digestion track odor I don't, I'm gonna say not a lot of difference between a soup of a certain kind Soup slop and someone just took a fucking shit, dude So that's my least favorite You walk in and you're like either, either something smells great or Jesus Christ Like, I don't know, it's the same smell It's the same smell It's the same smell, thank you The only smell that really turns me on when I walk past a house is the smell of a barbecue A barbecue, yeah When something's grilling I don't even care what's on the grill I'm like, God that smells good A grill is great? It takes you back in your mind to a time when you had a really fun barbecue You know what I mean? And you're like, oh my God At barbecues, barbecues are one of the few things in life that don't disappoint It's outside and you're being overfed We're just fucking basic bitches Just keep me outside with friends But like, kinda, it's mostly about potato chips Like I see a lot of ketchup Lot of dips, lot of dips Lot of dips, my God, lot of dips I wish I could see Fat Pete growing up the first time I ate dip I was like, you mean there's just a fucking Tupperware of mayonnaise? And wait, you get like a serving? No, it just sits there and as long as you're hooked up to it like a Tesla charger you can just keep fucking, I'm 30 minutes 'til full - And no one can say no - No one knows - No one knows, it's incredible - No one knows The plate doesn't get involved It's direct-to-consumer mayonnaise with a little bit of dill That's where Britain, fuck off, has it right They just put mayonnaise, at least they did in the '80s They do, but they still do mayo on everything Mayo on fries, by the way, very underrated I don't know why we don't do that - I think we're in, I think that's in - We try to, but most of the time now you get naoli or something like that They don't wanna slop just mayo 'cause they feel like it's classless - I say fucking give me the goddamn Hellmann's in the into the bag By the way, I'm very anti-milk that's in the popcorn I just wanna, I wanna be out here - You're pissing me off - I wanna be out here - You don't like candy in the popcorn? - Here's why, Santino - I don't want a greasy, buttery, melty Milk Dud I am a grown fucking man and I know when I want a Milk Dud I don't need to find it like a truffle pig - I think it's so fun to search - It's not fun, it's fucking dumb - 'Cause you don't like to hear me in the theater going - That's part of it, that's part of it, baby - I like sprinkling, well, actually, the Milk Duds aren't my go-to anymore because of the the stickiness of the teeth - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's an oral procedure - I prefer Bunch O' Crunch - Oh, The Crunch - I love Bunch O' Crunch - I think Bunch O' Crunch is the best - Bunch O' Crunch has a bad box - It's a shit box, it's narrow and it's a shit box - I think the art on the box doesn't look as good as it is - It's not inviting, no - It kinda says, like, I'm a video game or something It looks like-- - Well, right, like, this is also Minecraft - It looks like I need to know Minecraft to eat it But I'm designing it in my mind Like, there's a better Bunch O' Crunch box - Who's got the best box? - The best box is maybe - Oh, I know what it is - I don't wanna rush my answer I was gonna say Milk Duds 'cause it's a classic - Let's say it on three - Wait, wait, let me think of it - Oh, 'cause I know it right away You see it in the theater every time - Three, two, one - Swedish Fish Swedish Fish - Swedish Fish is a very good box - It's the best, it's yellow, it's bright, it's bright red It's perfect - I agree - Bunch O' Crunch gets stuck 'cause it's a box Like, the way, like, circular ones come out - But I also like the box If I get a Sour Patch Kid and SPK I'll open the fuckin' condom and dump 'em raw dog into the box 'cause I like the You like to shake it around - I wanna know where I am - See Reese's - I wanna know where I am - Reese's my problem - The bag lies to you It crinkles the same when there's one and when there's 30 I need to know, the box says one, the bag says full Either way, one, I'm fucked off There's a new Trump expression And now I'm fucked off - And now I'm fucked off - That's very good, that's actually good - I'm fucked off - I'm fucked off - I'm getting fucked off - I'm actually fucked off right now - That would make me so endeared to him - Reese's' problem is 'cause you ripped that bag - 'Cause you were just fucked off - 'Cause you ripped that bag - 'Cause you were just fucked off That bag, it's too much rip opens up, right? - Oh, I like a Reese's box The one that looks like it might be like a Japanese toothpaste - Well, so you're being skinny boy because I like the bag 'cause the bags are bigger - I love the feed bag - The feed bag has more Reese's in it - What are you fucking nuts? I have a joke where I go, I don't eat candy 'cause I'm a grown fucking man Unless I go to the movies I go to the movies, I'm gonna be real right now I'm gonna be real I was gonna say 80, it's actually 90% to eat candy - Me too - You know how excited I get? - Why did I get when I get - 90% to eat fucking candy - It's almost always for me to snack - In the dark with a fucking 10 gallon paint bucket of popcorn, Reese's, sometimes I go get another Reese's 'cause I didn't make it through the previews I always play a game, make it through the previews I always lose - I eat it every single time - Gone - Well, why doesn't - Before I've seen what new thing Dax Shepard is in, it's gone - In here, we pour whiskey - Ooh! - It's the NBA playoffs, baby I am very excited I was able to go see the Lakers and the Rockets Very fun, fun little game, huh? Good game for Bronny James LeBron, that is That's who I'm talking about And you can predict the playoff action all the way to the finals with FanDuel Predicts All you gotta do is sign up Take your $25 bonus Sign up, you're gonna get that $25 bonus right away Follow all the playoff dishes, swishes, wishes, and misses Every move is a potential plot twist And if you've been paying attention so far It's just getting hotter right now Who's gonna be in the finals? Oh my goodness Predict the spread, the total points And even the game-winning moments that make the playoffs You can predict it all, baby Where one run, one rebound, one shot changes everything From opening tip to the final buzzer Stay locked in with every pass, every play, and every moment That moves us closer to crowning a champion Sign up now for your $25 bonus on FanDuel Predicts Offered by FanDuel Predicts and Markets LLC A registered futures commission merchant 18+ bonus is non-withdrawable and expires 7 days after receipt Trading derivatives involves significant risk And may not be suitable for all investors Manage your activity with our consumer protection tools Restrictions apply, see terms at FanDuel.com Slash predicts Slash bonus Hyphen offer Hyphen terms Ginger I like gingers The joke goes, maybe you can help me with it It's not done It's like not the hour I'm So the hour I'm promoting The special Silly Silly Fun Boy The hour I'm touring The next hour So it's like the most uncooked Barely anything So maybe you can help me with that Help me So this is two hours later Two hours later, two hours after I go, if you saw me in the park Eating a fucking paint bucket of popcorn And Reese's Pieces Just broad daylight You'd think I was an active shooter That's pretty good, right? It's shocking enough to be like It's insane But is it pre-shoot or post-shoot? It's definitely pre You got a carbo load Yeah, you got a carbo load This is dark This is dark Don't There's certain punchlines that are Right at the edge And if you just Like tag it You keep going, they're like Ah, get back here He's jumping We have Human beings are remarkable creatures And when we talk about being offended And all that sort of stuff There's that But there's also like How are we all so good Really At getting en masse Getting in a group And knowing what's really over the line We're very good at it Yeah Even if you think intellectually I'm offended At an active thing But like Your laugh will betray you You'll still laugh at that But then if you tag it Everyone knows it's two parts You know what I'm trying to say? Yeah, because you take them right to the edge Because you're saying I look like an active shooter A, they know you're not And B, they haven't heard it or seen it yet It hasn't happened yet So once you touch the Heard it or seen it? It hasn't happened in the joke You haven't described That's right So they don't visualize it It's just the door To tragedy Don't go inside there Don't go in But it's right there That's what it is I couldn't agree more And by the way Paint bucket Good, good, good Nine gallon paint bucket But Ten gallon? Home Depot has those buckets Home Depot Home Depot bucket is iconic It's like synonymous with If Home Depot did movie theater popcorn I bet you my life Everyone would get one They'd be like I gotta get the Home Depot bucket of popcorn It's just funny as fuck Can I tell you something? That classic orange bucket We all have one in our garage It's so funny I have that bucket It's clean It says on the sign It's clean It's a clean bucket Also Where I go is That's way too much popcorn To make a profit No No chance Popcorn costs zero cents Zero dollars The popcorn people are like Please take our popcorn Yeah It's just old corn What if that was my take? It's just old corn And that's why it's healthy, it's old corn No one wants old corn We've got the newest old corn Our corn's the newest They gave it to us, they called it maize It's maize He has like a beautiful kind of respect Indigenous respect Or on stolen land and we'll be eating new popcorn I want to tell you that Woke Trump Woke Trump Before I start this press interview Before we kick this off I'd like to pay respects To those that lived on this land before us Please a moment of silence For the Wakanda people You? But he says Wakanda Wakandan? He goes fucking Black Panther President Trump Do you mean Black Panther? He's like We also love them as well The Black Panthers love me The Wakandans love me They call me unobtainium Wait, that's Avatar He doesn't know It is funny to think of Trump watching Avatar Right Right Right Any movie Yeah, any movie Any movie Because when you're watching a movie You're letting it fuck you This is why all hecklers are guys Because they're like, you're gonna fuck me? You're gonna fuck me? How about this? You look like a piece of shit They're trying to get back a little cock I don't believe this, by the way I just think it's an extreme way of saying You're giving yourself to something And it's hard for me to think of Trump being like No, dim the lights Killers of the flower moon The flower moon Flower of the killing moon, Leo Oh, he's I get the sense he's got a medium penis Do you get medium penis from Leo? Medium penis from Leo? I just don't think it's a honker I think Brad's a honker I actually disagree You think Leo's got BDE? No, he's got an extremely regular I mean, it's so neutral That's kind of what I mean But Brad does, too You know how you know a guy Has a big old schlongy dong? Yeah, Pete Davidson Yeah, Pete Davidson Is because he's It's true No, no comment He does That's how ordinary that observation is But it's because he doesn't project I've got a big schlongy dong PDD Yeah, because big dick energy Is a kind of a false narrative That's been perpetuated by people being like You have a big personality You must have a big penis Not true Yeah Most guys I know that have big wieners A good friend of mine, Kyle I won't say your last name Schlongy dong We called him We called him the elephant Because in high school He had a fucking elephant trunk for a penis And I'm not kidding Wow It was hysterical to watch His ding dong It was comical Took him 40 minutes to wash And you know what? He was embarrassed Yeah, of course He was embarrassed No, I understand People made the joke And publicly he was like Can you stop telling people about that? The dork at high school Who wears a cape and he has a sword That's a big dick That's a huge dick But like Nerd dick Nerd dick is massive You know the nerd And I say this with respect The nerd couple in high school That like found each other Like there were two Freaks I say freaks as a freaky kind of Freaks because they're different Freaks because they like it They hear it They don't hear sound They smell fear The two fucking freaks find each other They're both pale And they're kind of They're melting a little bit And there's a cape one And then there's the book one And there's the thick And the bah And then they find each other And now they're just the most sexually active Horniest people on earth You just see them 69ing in the hallway And you're just like Jesus Christ Does he know he has a big one? And the quarterback goes by Spinning a football on his finger And you're like What's up dork? Micro dick Yeah that guy's got micro dick Dork dick is huge Dork dick is fucking pie Dork dick is It never stops It goes on and on and on 3, 4, 1, 4, 8, 9, 7, 8 If you know pie I'm just kidding I have a friend who knows pie To like 72 digits Autistic or not? Not Really? Why? How do you go that far? Just memorize it Some people just love pie Yeah I'm not a big fan Not in the way Not in the way that I love pie Don't put me in front of a pie Pie is better than cake Why? But it doesn't travel as well as cake Pie is much better than cake Because Pie is also an accompanied dessert Right? Pie with ice cream Yes Pie and whipped cream Pie and Fruit And coffee Yeah yeah You can pair it well Cake is going around just like I'm enough It's like Bruce Springsteen Is it me? It's Bruce It's Bruce It's Bruce He's like I just got my guitar That's cake That's cake Pie is fucking The black eyed people The black eyed peas Yeah Pie is will I am But it doesn't travel well Does not And they don't either They don't sell well overseas So Oh really? No I have no idea They probably do I love a made up fact Nobody eats pie outside of the states Yeah they don't They're not allowed to They're not allowed to I saw You know what I watched last night Silly silly fun boy Begrudgingly I'm going to work it in Silly silly fun boy on YouTube I did not watch yet It's a website And I'm going to watch it I watched last night I watched the Pluribus Hillel My brother Hillel The The Red Hot Chili Peppers Documentary Hillel like Kosher like Hillel was the guitarist For the Red Hot Chili Peppers Who died of an overdose Oh shouldn't say that But you know If you know the band You know He dies of an overdose At a very young age He was like the integral part Of the Chili Peppers Oh wait he's in the Under the bridge He's at the beginning Yeah No I think he's dead At that point Oh I don't know if he died before I think he died Before they wrote that song I have no idea Here let's just get good audio He died before they wrote that song He died in 1988 88 yeah So he was in Like Mother Love Bone To Pearl Jam He was like That's kind of That is actually very true He was kind of He was kind of on the crux Of when Perry Farrell And Janes was Coming to fruition They were becoming friends With Flea It's actually a fascinating story But the thing that bothered me About This is a documentary Yeah The thing that bothered me About this And I noted this Chad Smith The drummer Will Farrell Yes Will Farrell Great drummer by the way It's a shame That someone is like Oh the Will Farrell guy Fucking One of the greatest Smashing the drums He's so good He's so good He joined Post the death Of Hillel I'm almost positive But he's been in the band Since 1988 Wow Isn't spoken about once Doesn't even do an interview once Now Did he know Hillel Maybe didn't know him He joined the band After his death But it made me think How weird to be in the band For 40 fucking years Yeah And they're not like Can we get A little piece of you Talking about this And he didn't So my brain goes to You're wondering Is he like I don't want to talk about that It could be It's interesting I know there are people That are That way about Farley Like they don't want to Like romanticize it I'm not saying that This documentary Romanticized it But like Remember Bob Odenkirk In the Farley documentary Was like Yeah this isn't cute It was really It's not like funny It was sad It was very sad Yeah yeah Well you can tell He's speaking from A wounded place And he's like Great Let's like You know It's like How do you cover things It has a lot to do With the thing The interpretation And people also don't know What the person Was actually like So when somebody goes Oh that guy You know I'll say As someone who's known A lot of wild Fucking And they make great books And great documentaries Like when you're with them You're like Jesus fucking God Like I can say With full confidence And I love Chris Farley That there were a lot of people That were like Oh my god You know what I mean Hell yeah When you're out of your mind And these are These are addicts As an illness I understand that But like It's not always You know This is amazing Yeah Matt Foley It goes to a dark place And I'm glad I don't When Kirk said that The tone just shifted Is it bad? You know We're allowed to go back and forth We're allowed to go back and forth It's like sex Well you have to go up and down With sex Well actually You can kind of keep it in And like do subtle thrusts You're talking about soaking Soaking is big In the Mormon community Huge Oh yeah They put it in Put it in They make someone Go under the bed And bounce them Then God Then God knows It wasn't my fault It's an earthquake I will say Sometimes It's the God Believing people That condescend the most To God Like If I'm God I would prefer you Not believe in me Right Than believe in me And think that I'm like Oh that guy's just Keeping his dick warm In a pussy And somebody is Bouncing the bed Because I don't know They must be cleaning Right Like we had that In my Christian college The loophole God's loophole Which is the asshole Yeah the butthole Yeah People are hardcore Anal fucking And they're like I'm a virgin Like What Kind of For reals A lawyer Please consider What kind of God Is like I specific Oh it's up the butt No worries I said no sex Not jizzing up A hot brown one Jizzing up A hot brown one Is that in Genesis No No that's on me I should have been More clear I hate the vagina I hate the vagina Look at how I made it Of course I hate it Look at it I think about My neighbors only hearing I hate the vagina I hate volume I wore the shirt Just for you by the way Which one Godspeed I saw that I wore that for you I checked it immediately Because I What is Godspeed I was inquiring I do want to know I actually picked it out This morning and I thought I've worn this shirt before But I haven't worn it in a while And I thought What is the speed of God When somebody says Godspeed Yeah What does this mean I think it means I know my man That's going to look it up He's going to look it up But I'm going to say It's like Speed is like go God is go with God Go with God Go with God See I interpret it as Like adios To God The speed of God to me When somebody goes Godspeed Yeah Means the all encompassing Of God's greatness So to me It's like somebody saying I hope you are able to encompass The greatness of God Oh Like Godspeed Good luck It means kind of like a Okay I like that a lot Can you be Can you try to I like that Be that I thought you were going to be like As the falcon flies Like you thought it was A measure No not a measurement A bow shot away No I think it means A bow shot away This metaphorical to me of like, Godspeed. you can eat it there's no plate involved nobody knows but speed can be both because you look at a tachometer of a car right why it's in a circle why did the the the the attack attack on a car that shows your speed yeah why is it in a circle yes so it to me it's like a oh it could have been like an empty full exactly but we like that it goes we like the idea that i can how much can we what does it mean godspeed i had originated from middle english the oldest detected use of the phrase was found in a 1300s text from lancelot all right the green knight saying he may bid god me speed which the university of rochester translates to ask god to grant me success right well kind of close to what i'm saying the speed of the speed of the success the eternal yes well there's a lot of uh like it's funny in our language there's things like you know oversight uh man um what is it called when somebody's like a manager that's supervisor oh supervisor these are like shamanic terms it's like the shaman take i know people white people say shamanic but like they take mushrooms or they take a lot of something and they get like you get that feeling like ron funches has a great joke about mushrooms are like they pick you up out of the maze like you're a rat in the maze and it picks you up it gives you oversight yeah we still have that like can you understand something can you get underneath it so there's like space in our language can you be a supervisor am i pitting no you're good am i pitting not in that shirt not in this shirt you'll never know you'll never know did you see those clips where i made fun of bobby i wanted to make you proud when he said david spade's my friend and i just was like the montclair jacket was one of the funniest jokes i was dying i just i felt like i was trying well you also called me after you did the interview we talked for like 20 minutes about well that was because i was like what is this guy it made me laugh i love bobby but i i am confused by him uh i don't i think part of that it was deliberate for many years and then now it's truly who he is he is very confusing and confused like he used to just be kind of like a kooky man now he's very confused himself i think he like all of us we're trying to we have different moments of life where we're trying to re-figure out i don't like the midlife crisis term but like we're all going through mini little crises yeah we're like but he's like 60 he's 50 54 54 he's going through a well for him asians he'll live that's half you think he'll live to be 108 don't you think he'll be 108 he's gonna you're basing this how much on miyagi 100 yeah i think he'll live to be 108 what does it say south korea has the world's highest uh one of the world's highest life exactancies reaching 83.5 to 83.7 years on average on average yeah but that that's very good the big dogs live to be a honey yeah yeah and my people the irish lads we're out of here by 66 67 it's called polite it's the irish goodbye yeah goodbye the ultimate irish goodbye i don't want to bother you yeah i gotta get out of that great louis had a great bit where he's like one of your parents is gonna die for you first and it's not the one you want right isn't that hilarious and the other one will never fucking ever die and he brought it in it's like it is impolite yeah no keep smelling this change the gauze like it's fucking it's wild i hope some of them love it like if it's just the ultimate like whoops there's something in my pan for you and they're just like fucking ripped on power but that's why you've told your daughter that you will walk into the woods and die alone and be away from her so she doesn't have to deal with it she slathers me with honey this is the deal she slathers me with salmon and honey and she ties my feet so i can only do little hops and then we have a duck call because bears love ducks they love they love a duck need fast hydration for the summer heat hydrate your winds with the new liquid iv sugar-free ring pop cherry it's the classic cherry ring pop flavor you grew up loving reimagined as a zero sugar hydration mix that's clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone whether you're spending the day in the heat recovering after a workout or just looking for an easy afternoon pick-me-up liquid iv makes hydration simple and delicious shop liquidiv.com save with their buy three get one free offer and use promo code pod 26 that's pod 26 this episode is brought to you by state farm listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling another smart move getting help from one of state farm's 19 000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling just another way to save with the personal price plan prices are based on rating plans that vary by state coverage options are selected by the customer availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state chronic migraine is 15 or more headache days a month each lasting four hours or more botox anabotulinum toxin a prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine before they die they start it's not for those with 14 or fewer headache days a month it prevents on average eight to nine headache days a month versus six to seven for placebo prescription botox is injected by your doctor effects of botox may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing speaking breathing eye problems or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk side effects may include allergic reactions neck and injection site pain fatigue and headache allergic reactions can include rash welts asthma symptoms and chronic migraine so if you're having a headache and you're having a headache and symptoms and dizziness don't receive botox if there's a skin infection tell your doctor your medical history muscle or nerve conditions including als lugeric's disease myasthenia gravis or lambert eaton syndrome and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects why wait ask your doctor visit botox chronic migraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more duck dynasty is that still on should be if it's not i've got i hope it's still on are they korean half those guys are going for the distance they really are they're going the distance they're quacking out there i shouldn't riff on things i don't know i don't know anything no you know a lot of stuff actually no i don't follow anything in the news so like why would you were like the prince that's on the epstein prince andrew yeah you didn't hear about that well you know i've been trying there's another bit on the second hour the hour that i'm not even doing yet it's like it's based on this book called tribe again maybe you can help me make this funny yeah it's interesting but i don't know if it's funny i go like there's it's in our biology our brain all of that physiology is all you're only supposed to know and care about 150 people and i'm not saying it's not beautiful or or noble or admirable i'm gonna start unfollowing people on instagram yeah that's what i'm just get it down to 150 that's what i'm saying you should 150 well my that's exactly you're ahead of the joke that's exactly what i'm saying is like i'm not saying it's not beautiful to care about the entire planet i'm saying it overwhelms your system just biologically speaking so i go 150 people and i go watch this ben affleck george clooney christian bale casey affleck al gore george bush george w bush donald trump obama michelle obama like and just fucking go as long as you can and then go what was that you knew everyone i was saying no wonder you're stressed out you shouldn't we can't walk around like ryan secrets has lupus you're not supposed and so and this is what i do in the crowd some of you aren't even laughing you're like ryan secrets has lupus he doesn't have lupus i'm just making a point but you now you name someone who does have lupus but who does have lupus casey affleck that's right take it back to the beginning you go and you need to relax ryan doesn't have it casey affleck he does actually have that's the great eddie izzard joke that goes underreported in my opinion i forget who it is because it's somebody european i think but he's like i have bad news bad news top of the show bad news i hate to tell you probably didn't see because you're all here in your seats with your phones off but molly tamag has died and let's molly tamag is a pop star and who cares scotland like what is the uk i'm just kidding so molly tamag sorry she's dead i'm sorry i'm just kidding she's not dead she's you guys i wouldn't start the show like that she's not dead she's and he does it the whole show and he gets it this small where he goes like one i think eddie izzard eddie azari is one of the underreported greats oh he's incredible i i know we know that yeah but right you're saying but i'm just sort of like i don't know a lot of a lot of people i don't know he's not making enough lists well we really i'm sorry i don't know eddie's pronouns that's real no i don't know either fake i don't know i know i just you made me think for a second well he can look it up look it up kiddo no but you're right yeah you're right i i don't but you know what it is i watch a show on amazon um eddie is already izz ard there's a show on amazon where it's british comics trying to make each other crack have you seen this and car is hosting it oh jimmy's hosting it and a haunted puppet from an antique road show is hosting it that's fantastic i'm so glad that those scary dolls from toy story 4 are still working yeah well they have to they have to the union's not doing anything he's hosting the show and they're trying to crack each other it's like a fake reality show they're lit in a house together and they're just trying to crack each other make them laugh and yes dude and honestly if you laugh you have to leave yes it's brilliant that's a great idea it's brilliant and also you're watching them and every single person's bits are making me laugh and they're holding and i thought this is very british humor that i we love i don't know if america loves as a whole right america doesn't really get into those because they it's if it's too cheeky americans are like what are you being you being saying i'm dumb it's like no no they're just being facetious they're winding you up and they're like no you're saying i'm fucking dumb yeah yeah i'll tell you a story this is america i think donald glover comes out don't get you slipping up immediately it's where it goes every time great song she great song she oh she she does not make enough lists she does not make a love i'm not being funny still eddie yeah Eddie, I'm just going to say Eddie doesn't make enough lists. Yeah, that's the best. Keep it simple. But you did do the right thing. You said, I don't remember. And we checked. I will say. And we checked. People act like consent is so confusing and pronouns are so confusing. It's not. Take it from someone who's done it a thousand times. Just go, can I get a pronoun check? Pronoun check. Pronoun check down. Just make it a thing. It's not horrible. Can I get a pronoun check? Yeah. I'm just asking. It's not going to hurt anybody. Nobody's mad. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Everybody's like, thank you. Yeah. It does not matter. It's not fucking Pat. Remember in the 90s? It's Pat. We're like, oh, I don't know their gender. Ask Pat. That's the next show. Ask Pat. The next sketch is Ask Pat. It's just someone going, excuse me, pronoun? They go, they. And they go, great. And that's the sketch. That's the sketch. Executive producer Lorne Michaels. They're at the goodbyes. We decided that we finally should be asking. We should be asking, Pat. It is. One of the wonderful things about, once you have. They're pretty close. They are. Those two impressions are right next to each other for some reason. One's Canadian, though. And one loves popcorn. And the other loves poop corn. New corn. Poop corn. New corn. You know Lorne does snack on popcorn all day long. You know this. Lorne does? Yeah, it's like a thing. That's real? 100%. He has it in his office all day. Like Reagan for jelly beans? Same exact thing. Except he's going to live longer. Way longer. Jelly beans are. I don't know what's in that jelly, but it's not life-giving. It's also not a bean. It's not a bean. It's the shape of a bean. I planted one. All I got was diabetes. Diabetes is okay to make fun of. You know why? Because you can control it. You feel like it's your fault. Yeah, it is your fault. And you can control it. Well, diabetes type 2. That's the funny one. Type 1 is not funny. And if you say, no, it's not. It's absolutely not. It's not funny. Like some 12-year-old kid has type 1 diabetes. For no reason. Nobody's riffing on that. Type 2. Funny. Let's go about diseases that are funny. Let's go down the list of diseases you're allowed to make fun of. Well, you can make fun of alcoholics. That's the great Gaffigan joke. Because it's the only disease you can get mad at someone for having. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah, that is so good. It's so good. What other disease are you allowed to make fun of? You can make fun of lupus. I already said it. Yeah. You can make fun of candida. You can make fun of anal polyps. I have psoriasis. Psoriasis is a go-to. Make fun of it. It's so funny. It's from Comedian. What? In the movie? Does he have it? It's orny. I'm on the bus. And there's a sign that says one ought to. Chances are somebody on this bus has lupus. I look around. I'm the only one on the bus. Letterman, you remember. Ask them to change it. Don't say lupus. Yeah, don't say lupus. They change it to. Psoriasis. Psoriasis. Psoriasis. Not a funny word. It's not a funny word. But I don't think. I stand by the choice. You can do it. Lupus. Lupus. Two syllables is what did it. It sounds like loopy. Yeah, psoriasis is way too long. Fruit lupus? Fruit lupus. You know Toucan Sam's got fruit lupus, right? And Tony the Tiger's got gronorrhea. Grades. They're grades. I've got grades. See, what you just did, very tricky. Okay, I'm making a grades joke. I mean, but you found a way to do it. I'm going to tell you a joke. We have the same phone. Dude, nobody has this one. Nobody has this phone. This is the one we have. I can't. I've never met. Well, I've met one other person. Kiss, make him kiss. Well, they're going to. I just gave you like a file. Whoa. Airdrop. I'm going to tell you a joke I wrote while I was really high. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. People talk about how bad the times are, and they are, but they are improving. Like, think about Bible times. Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel. There were four people. That's a quarter of the Earth's population. To do that now, you would have to kill two billion people. Oh, my God. Cain was the equivalent of two billion people. It's not chill. It was a genocide. And then I go, this is a lie. I haven't done this joke. I wrote it down on the website. A friend of mine dared me. I had to write a joke where the punchline was genocide. I thought that would make it funnier. That is good. Yeah, yeah. You like it? But I believe that. Which part? The dare? The dare. The dare is very good. Well, the people that listen to Whiskey Ginger, bad friends, good friends, put it in my fucking ding dong. In my end. Whatever the fucking bell-end podcast this is. You must be huge in England. You look wet. You look like a guy who came in from the rain. I don't know what I mean, but why do you laugh? I like it. There's something weathered about you in a way that's British. Yeah. No, no, no. You look crisp. No, you know what it is? You look crisp. The Brits look like they can trust me, that they know I can't be out at the beach all day. That's right. So they're like, you're one of us. They would give you a task. Yeah. They're like, what's he going to do? Go to the beach? No. The beach wants him dead and can do it. Godspeed. Silly, Silly Fun Boy is the podcast. Those look like comedy glasses. They're not, but because you haven't been wearing them and you came up with them. He does that when he starts to trip. He takes them in the morning. Those look like good mushroom glasses. Orange. I took mushrooms three nights ago. Fantastiche. Fantastiche. I played Vegas and I wanted to walk around and enjoy it. I didn't want to do anything but walk around and enjoy it. And I walked around and I enjoyed it very much. I watched my cousin play roulette for about an hour and a half. On mush? Yeah. Did you have any premonitions? You know what the weirdest thing was? Tell me. I was doing A Beautiful Mind in my head and I gave no numbers out. I just was, I was literally going, you know what I did? That's mushrooms. That's not true. Luke can verify. I did say, my hand to God. He goes, favorite numbers. And I keep. A few times I said, and then the other time I go, no, no, no, nothing. No, don't. And then one time, I didn't say, because three is my lucky number, I didn't say put it on three and three hit. And the mushrooms went, you should have told him. And I said, quiet, quiet. We're in here doing our thing. We're building in here. We're building. Be quiet. We're building. Be quiet. You know what annoys me about mushrooms and myself when I think? My gait changes when I'm on mushrooms. Yeah, yeah. You turn into the keep on, keep on trucking guy. Why do I do that? My gait always changes when I'm on mushrooms. Mushrooms are like, you should be moving this thing. Like, why aren't you just fucking moving? Like, it's so funny to have a body. It's so funny to have a body. And we go around like, hello, where can I park? It's fucking waste. Is the bathroom in the corner that way? Is this gluten free? I'm not, I don't have celiac. I'm just fucking idiot. Fucking idiot. Eat the goddamn Oreos and walk like this, you fucking idiot. That's mushrooms. It is true. I love it. I did them not that long ago. And I was, I had a great relationship with the tree. I know that's very classic, but it was this beautiful. I go away. I fuck off. Everybody, it was like a gathering at my house and people were doing them and they were all like partying in the pool and I'm being kind of a bitch, but I'm like, what a waste. What a waste. These things want to talk to you. They do want to talk to you. They want to talk to you. But I will say water on mushrooms is amazing. I love water on mushrooms. I did go in the pool. Big fan. Big fan. Yes, I understand. But I don't like socializing because to me it's like, you're like, now you're standing on, here's the experience and you're like, how are you, Daniel? Imagine. Have you seen Withnail and I? Fucking piece of cunt shit. I love being filthy out of nowhere because I look like a youth cosplayer. So it's funny when I'm like, you fucking cancel pussy in the first 30 seconds. I just don't want, I want to be like a, you know those water snakes? It's like a tube. Oh yeah. And you can't hold it. That's what I want to be. You are. And I'm not forcing this. That's what Silly Silly Funboy is. It's like, here's a wholesome joke about me being a dad. Here's like a weird existential joke about God. Here's like the dirtiest joke you've ever heard. Here's like the cutest, funniest joke. I think a good hour of standup should be like an epic dream or a mushroom trip. Yeah, all over the place. You know how there's a part in every mushroom trip where you're a little like, I don't know if I like this? Yeah. That's what makes it compelling. Yeah. If it was just every time, that's MDMA. And people don't talk about MDMA as much. They talk about mushrooms. People don't talk about MDMA changing their life as much as they talk about mushrooms. Because mushrooms is like, welcome, now that I have you, blows out a candle and now it's like fingering your eye. You're like, Captain Crunch? It's cappin'. And you're like, what? It's cappin'. And you're crying. That's what I want my hour to be. Clip it. Clip it. Clip it and dip it. In here, we pour whiskey. So many people think, hey man, I should probably go to therapy. Maybe it will help me. Who knows? And they just don't do it. You bail. You got a lot going on. Everyone does that a lot. I myself have done that. Okay? But sadly, sadly, it's so much easier than you ever expect thanks to Rula. Rula genuinely takes five minutes. Five minutos. And you don't have to be there when you're emotionally prepared. Just sign up right away and see how you get there on your own. You spend a lot of money and a lot of time on other stuff and remove those excuses and you must try. Because Rula makes accessing quality. Mental health care affordable with sessions costing an average of $15 with insurance. $15. How much did you pay for that breakfast sandwich today? Huh? $15? Breakfast sandwich and a coffee is probably what it's going to cost you to get quality mental health care. Thanks to Rula. Rula can help you feel better with 93% of patients reporting symptom improvements. Okay? Sign up. Find a great therapist in as little as five minutes. Appointments are available as soon as the very next day. And I'm telling you, therapy changed my life. I personally love it so very much. I think you should give it a whirl. And if you want it, give it a whirl. And if you want it fast and easy and very affordable, Rula's got you. So head to Rula.com. That's R-U-L-A dot com to find a therapist the easy way. Ginger. I like gingers. It is true. It is the fear, the fear that settles in for a couple of minutes. Oh my God, every time. And you do have the phrase that runs through all of our heads, so be aware. Will this stop? Yeah, will this stop? Will this end? Will this come to a close? I always go, whenever I've ingested a psychedelic, I go, you'll come back. You always do. And that's all you need to know. That's all you need to know. Except for my friend Todd. We miss you, Todd. of orange juice. It was Tang. He didn't have enough self-love. He was like, actually, I'm the astronaut. What is your talk-me-down to yourself? When you do get the moment where you go, will this break? Will I be okay? Yeah, that's a great question. I want to answer it authentically, so I'm not just going to fire off in riff mode. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, I have a couple mantras. What is it? One is, I trust myself, meaning this is the other mode of me, right? Your essential self is God's self. So you can say, I trust myself. It's another way of saying, I trust God. But God isn't somewhere else watching my trip. He is within me, experiencing the trip as me. So you can go, I trust myself, even if it's frightening. I go, I trust myself. Another way to say that is, yes, thank you. So you're having this weird, like mushrooms is like pushing your perception down and you're like, my wife looks like fucking Don Rickles right now. Just go, yes, thank you. Why do you look at that fat toe? What is this guy, a Jew? You're like, look at this fucking. You can't add the F in front of the J. You can't. But you can say, is this a Jew? Is this a Jew? What is this, a Jew? What are you? What are you? That's what I get for trusting a Native American. Like, that is okay. Yeah. But you add the F word, everyone will know. Itchy. Yes, thank you is a great. I've talked about this a lot. I'll talk about it every time it comes up because it's really changed my life. If you wake up in the middle of the night and you're just having. Misfires of anxiety. You were just having a dream. You were being chased by a scorpion. You got up to pee. You get in bed. Your heart's still kind of going. Oh, I hate that. Give yourself a break. You just had a dream. You were being chased by a scorpion and Roseanne Barr was on the scorpion. Like, that's overwhelming. So take a few breaths and you're going. Now you're going like, oh, I don't have enough money. Oh, I'm going to die. Like, what if I lose this? What if this happens? I know it doesn't make any sense. It works. It's not. It's not some meditation technique. It's literally psychology. It's just stop resisting it and the thing doesn't know what to do. It's like a ball you're pushing underwater and it's actually you pushing it down that's giving it all of its. If you just go, yeah, be as big as you want, guess what? There's nothing the space of your awareness can't hold. It might not be pleasant, but it'll pass faster if you just welcome it. It's really bizarre. Yeah. And really practical for those 4 a.m. freakouts, which I have. Oh, I have them. I have them all the time. I hate them. And I also just go like, yes, yes, thank you if you want to unpack it a little bit more. You go, I'm lawfully unfolding. It's like this is a. This is how Pete. Remember Plinko? Oh, yeah. You drop the Plinko chip down the Plinko. You're just plinking. You're just doing. It's not like something's wrong with you. There's no flaw in the system. You shouldn't be not anxious. You shouldn't be. It's just what's happening. There's something really beautiful about going, I'm just a dog biting an itch. But if you go, why am I fucking. I'm such an animal biting an itch. Like, just allow it. Just go like, you don't choose your thoughts. That one's easy. Right. What's my next thought going to be? You don't know. But we take them so personally. You have these hurtful, hateful, ugly, mean, petty, greedy, selfish, fear-based thoughts. But really just remind yourself, I didn't choose that. It's just appearing in me and I don't have to sign for the delivery. Right. It comes to the door. You're just sad. No. No, thanks. That just came That just came up. That has nothing to do with me. But the next step is, you don't choose your emotional responses either. You get a text from your parents, sets you off, you have this big feeling. Just like a thought you didn't choose. You can go, I didn't choose this and it loses its grip. I'm not saying you don't have it, but what keeps it around, what gives it a bear hug is like, in mi persona, I go, I'm a spiritual person. I'm not supposed to have reactivity. I thought I was beyond this. Like, I was just on a retreat meditating. I was meditating. Shouldn't I be more, have more equanimity? All of that is just holding it in and delighting in it. It's just fucking masturbating your negative emotion. Or just go like, I'm as part of this as a bird. A bird singing doesn't bother me. My feelings coming up shouldn't bother me. It's the same. Same thing. I don't mean it's similar. I mean, it's the same fucking thing. Your voice and my voice, a bird's song, a feeling, it's made of the same knowing that knows them. So fucking back off. Back off. Back off. And you're off the hook. You, like, really, really. Some people don't like thinking they don't have free will. There's a great relief in just going, I'm just a plinko going down. Do your best. That's part of your experience. I'm not saying don't try. But know ultimately, it's just kind of flowing. Yeah. And you can take it a lot less personally. And that's really peace. This is why I like talking about spiritual things. It's not to like have afterlife assurances or have all the answers. It's to deal with the panic. I might feel after this podcast, I'm like, I said the thing about Bobby Lee being fat or whatever. And I'll just be like, like if somebody, if Bobby, he won't. But if he was like, hey, I heard what you said on Whiskey Ginger. It hurt my feelings. I wouldn't say this. I would just say, I'm sorry, man. You know I love you. I didn't mean it like that. But what I want to say is like, yeah, man, Pete's a trip. Like I'm, I'm in him all the time. I don't endorse everything he does. No. I don't endorse everything he thinks. Quite the opposite. That's why, that's why comedy is so beautiful. You go up and you're like, like my new special has jokes about letting myself down. I hate comedians. Well, I shouldn't say that, but it's true. I'm just peeting. I don't like when comedians use the stage to just brag about how they knew what to say, they knew what to do, and they won. I punched the guy. No, I'm driving the bus. You know, like fuck off. I'm Keanu Reeves. I'm not Keanu Reeves. I'm the woman with the baby carriage full of cans. I'm a mess. So like, use an alpha position to, love yourself, celebrate yourself, tell jokes, and let them project their letdowns on you and laugh at it. That's part of the fun of comedy. It's shadow work. You go, oh, I've been an idiot. I tell a story in the special about my friend lost his kid, but Lila and I were in line for the last carousel ride of the day. It was at the park over in Los Feliz. So we're waiting for the carousel. She's like three years old. She's never been on a carousel. She's so happy. We're about to get on. My friend Sam, real name, True Betrayal, goes, have you seen River? I can't find River. He's like white. He can't find his kid. And I go, oh no. And I walk through the turnstile with my daughter because I'm like, I'm sure. And then I'm on the ride. Santino, this is real. I'm on the ride going, River! Just like that. Keeping an eye out. That story is humiliating. Yeah. I favored my daughter. I just was like, I just took a chance. They did find her, that's obviously how the joke goes. It would be fucked up if I was like, and she's gone, right? They found her. She's fine. But I think that is what elevates comedy to an art form is like, look, I'm in the lights. I'm loud. I'm tall. I'm on the stage. It's all this primal stuff. You're the leader. I don't think of myself that way, but you are the focus of 300,000 people, whatever it is. Imagine using that platform to go, I fucked up. Let's laugh at it. Yeah. Because it's not essential to me. I was okay before I did it. I was okay after I did it. I was okay while I did it. It's just Plinko. I just made a bad choice. Don't take it so seriously. That's the gift. Or it wasn't a bad choice. It's just that you were bounced the other way on the Plinko board. I bounced the other way. You just bounced another peg. I hit the peg and I looked at my, and by the way, people know you do it with your girlfriend, you do it with your wife. People do it for love. Loved ones all the time. You just kind of prioritize somebody over somebody else. It's one of the fucked up things about life. Yeah. So there's something, we're working that out. We know when we walk past an unhoused person on the way to a fancy dinner, we're like, what the fuck is this? That's like a way to kind of, let's look at it and let's let some of the steam off of it. It's so fucking heavy being in this world. I know it is. I'm in it too. But like laughing can be not dismissive and mean and like putting it down, but it can be a way of like loosening some of those things and making them mentionable. Because we're laughing at it. Well, maybe we can look at that. Maybe after I did that thing, I was like, I made the wrong choice. I know. I don't know. Your daughter's your priority. I know. Not the other kid's kid. Well, we're on the, look, I love you. I love you. Well, it's the other guy's kid. There's another story I tell. There's only so many shelves I can stock. You know what I mean? This is the other one. Okay, yes. Buddy, I love you. Because that's also, there's also something beautiful going on there where they're, with the laughs, telling me, I've done that too. I know what you're talking about. There's another story. I use this as a more extreme example. It's in the special. I'm driving behind a Jeep in Malibu, like in the, the part where, yeah, it's where it gets all up in the mountains and there's no guardrail. A big cliff. And the guy, this is a true story, I'm telling it real fast and I make a real meal of it in the special. But he just starts veering off the road. He's looking at his phone or something towards the cliff and I'm with Val middle of the day. I just went, bye. That, to me, and he corrected. Again, it's a very similar joke. It'd be fucked up if he did a fiery barrel roll down the hill. That's why I love you. But you're a comic, right? And a lot of people are like that. I shouldn't say comic. A lot of people have that appreciation for the dark kind of stuff. Cool to see. I've never seen it live. Wow. Um, but. But to me, those are the stories worth telling. It's like, I didn't, the point of the story is I didn't make the choice. I didn't make the conscious choice to go, bye. But for some reason, it was just happening on my phone. Yeah. I was just like, huh, I wonder what this, like, it just wasn't real. Right. And then I was like, it would have taken less effort to honk, but I was just like, where's this going to go? So that's comedy. I thought about that. But if he did honk, well, that scared him even more. Then goes even further off the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We live in a world where anything can happen. You could see a guy go off the road, and that's terrifying. And these are the things I would say need to be looked at and laughed at. Well, it's almost like, have you ever seen a video of someone, someone just circulated a video. Again, the beaches in Mexico, in Cabo sometimes, they're so steep going down because of the erosion. And these waves are so big that they say all the time, sometimes don't go out because the pull is too strong. You'll never be able to climb back up. And every time, every year, some idiot goes down there thinking. Come on. I can't get back up. But there's a video that was circulating about a guy that just couldn't get back up. I mean, it took a good five minutes of him trying to fight the waves and climb. And then it swept him down, fight the waves. But they're standing there on the beach because you can't go down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the craziest shit is, what are you going to do? Walk away? Well, I have another joke. I don't think I'll end up doing this one. But I was like, I think our phones obviously are desensitizing us to stuff. Because I saw a guy sit on a chair and the legs behind gave out, the back legs. And he just started falling. And I just watched. I just was like, I'm like double tapping reality. Liking real life. I like this. Just commenting. Watch this fat fuck break his back. Exactly. Where do I comment? Oh, I just say it. Ha ha! Fat ass! But like, that needs to be looked at. I'm not doing comedy with a purpose. I'm just saying, like, that's right under our nose. That we are just, and I see this in life. People just. Like, watch conflicts. In the 80s, 90s. Hey, look out. Yeah. Or get involved. No look out now. Like, if somebody's having a meltdown at a Trader Joe's, you film it. Phones up. It used to be. Look, I know I'm sounding old. But it used to be some majestic fucking Navy man would be like, hold on. Cooler heads prevail. But he's also no nonsense. So I said, shut the fuck up. Like, it wasn't gentle. Sit down! Down! Now, listen. He's going to be out for three to five. When he comes back, I want you guys making amends. Right? Making out. Give me a bag of frozen peas. And these peas are mine now. I thought you were going to put it on his eye. No, I'm hungry. Nope. I love a bird's eye. Bird's eye. Bird's eye. Supervisor. Bird's eye. Eat your peas. We looked at the whole crop, and these were the best peas. That's what they're saying. That is. Bird's eye. Those peas? Good peas. You don't want a gerbil picking your peas. He's just picking the ones he can see. I want bird's eye peas. Too many peas. What's weird is my special is sponsored by bird's eye peas. Bird's eye peas. Please pick up a bag today. Great on your nuts after a vasectomy. And you got a double vasectomy. I did. I had it. I got a vasectomy. I got it reversed. Jizzed all over like a glass table. Like the album cover for Load. Is there? Is there anything fucking more bullshit than the story of the album cover for Load? For Load, it's bullshit. Do you remember? Yeah. Everyone does. Yeah. He was just like, Kirk, the guitarist, they were like, we need an album cover. He just jerked off on a glass table. There was some pig's blood. He smeared it in the blood. We took a picture. No, you didn't. You were in a studio. Yeah. You fucking weirdos. Kirk, are you ready? Give me a minute. Stop looking. It was fucking dumb. It was Annie Leibowitz. All right. Put the jizz on the glass. You know what? Jizz does after like 15 seconds, it starts to turn into nothing. Yeah. It goes away. It goes away. It goes away. That's God's gift to the jizzers. Did it happen? I heard another album cover story the other day that reminded me of, I think Jizza was in an interview. Jizza? Yeah. Was it Jizza was in an interview talking about how the Wu-Tang album, they're all wearing masks and it was almost none of the, it was none of them. No, it was some of them, but it wasn't all of them because they couldn't. No, but then other guys were not. They were not in the group and they were just wearing masks. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to say with no shade to the Klan, Wu-Tang Klan ain't nothing to fuck with. Which Klan? Ku Klux Klan is also nothing to fuck with. I'll be honest with you. Really? Do not fuck with those guys. Did you make a few riffs? I did. Yeah. They came after me. The Klux is not happy with me. Is this real? Now the Klan, the Klan loves me. The Klan loves me. Wu-Tang. The Klux does not like me. Klan in the front. I'm just saying once you have a group that's 10, 12, 15. Nothing to fuck with. No. It's hard to get together. And that's what he says in this. He's like, it's impossible. We're never together. It's impossible. You're going to. Old Dirty Bastard's dead, but RZA, JZA, Method Man, Ghostface Killa. Ghostface, he's out killing Ghostfaces. He's busy. Which is Whitey's. Yeah. Raekwon the chef. Raekwon. Raekwon is a great chef. By the way, he's a Michelin chef now. I don't know if you know that. He's cooking at a restaurant in New York. He really is. Is that real? No, but it's good. I did sell it, didn't I? You did it really well. I do do that well. I forget how good of an actor you are. I can do a sell. I can do a really good sell. But Raekwon should open up a restaurant called Kwan's, and it would be an Asian restaurant because they love Asian shit. Only built for sausage links. Only built. And Jewish guys love hip hop. Period. Jewish guys, I'm saying hip hop. Jewish guys love kung fu and Asia. Asian guys, what are they like? What do they like? Success. Adidas slippers with socks. Smoking in a crouch position. That was worth it. Smoking down there. See an amateur. I'm going to smoke down there. Down there. You know what? There's going to be like. You know why they smoke down there? Why? To get close. They smoke down close to the earth? To survey. It's going to be fake. No. Because when you smoke and you're standing, you're not really aware of your surroundings. This is fake. When you're down, you have to be on a swivel. It's fake. Because everything is above you. It's fake. It's fake. I loved every second of it. I wish I hadn't said it was fake. But Jewish guys love hip hop. Period. I've known a lot of. Isn't Lil Dick. Lil Dicky Jewish? Is he ever? That's my point. Yeah. It was. It works. The Beastie Boys. Joe Mandy. Joe Mandy, yeah. I'm just saying, Lil Dicky. Lil Dicky's. I think he's. Jewish. fire, though. I think he's really good. Yeah, but they like hip hop. Non-Jewish kids like hip hop, but Jewish kids like hip hop because. Yes. Because. Are you going to say. You're going to say it? Mm-hmm. Go ahead. You can say it if you want to say it. I think I know what you're going to say, but. Go ahead. What am I going to say? What if it's not? What if it's not? That's it. On the count of three. One, two, three. Swedish shows. Netanyahu. Oh. Modestyahu. Modestyahu is Netanyahu. You've never seen them in the same room. They're the same guy. Modestyahu. Is Benjamin Netanyahu. It's the same guy. Who's Benjamin Netanyahu? Other than your Netflix password. When will that not be funny? In six more years, maybe. It's actually my HBO Max password. Nice. But they made me put a money sign at the end of it, which is a little redundant. I hate when they're like. One special character. Oh, I like that. What? Special character? That bothers me so much. Exclamation point is special? That's an upside-down I, bitch. A special character? How about my cousin Tim, who has a disability? He's a special character. He's differently able. And I can't put him in there? I can't. Can I put a GIF of Tim in my password? Is that what you want? Is that what you mean? Would you like a Tim GIF? It's a very special character. You draw a circle around an A and now it's special? Yeah. Why? Why do they get special assignment? Or why with the cross through it? The Marilyn Manson kind of why? By the way, I know I'm reversing. But you dropped a nugget inside of my brain that made me laugh so hard. When you said God is with you while you're tripping. I loved it like 10 minutes ago. I was like, and the oneness can hold it all. And now I'm like, you ever have a Joe do hip hop? This is it. That's what comedy is. That's what my brand is. You don't know where I am. You made me think if God is having breakfast in the morning and someone's like, what's going on today, God? And he's like, he's like reading the paper as if he's just one of us. And he's eating cereal. And he's like, I think I'm going to go. I think I'm going to trip with Pete today. Yeah. And who's ever. Who's ever with him is like, oh, seriously? He's going to do it? He's peaking a trip today? Don't you know when you make, don't you feel like when you make the choice to do mushrooms, like you enter into a new chapter? A hundred percent. Like, you know what I mean? Yes. You go like, I'm going to do mushrooms on Thursday. Like that's when the trip starts. Because it's planned. And everything that you experience between then and when you're doing it is like in the, informs the trip. I swear. It's not, it's not woo woo. I feel like that's when it starts. That's why it's healthy to plan the trip. I think planning a trip is nice. Put on some good music. Plan it. Get on the earth. Get in the water. Which is why I love, I love marijuana, but it's lost a little bit of its. Joie de vivre. Yeah. Why? Because it's. I'll tell you why. Gummy bears. Fucking. It's too unplanned. It's too. How did it get. It's too, too free, too loose, too available, too everywhere it's on. Here's the problem with weed. Every, I smoked when I wrote that genocide joke. Very good joke. You cut it out. Oh, really? Yeah. You think so? I think it's a great joke. My friend Tatiana helped me write it, so shout out to Tatiana. Anyway, I smoked weed and it's just like booze i don't drink booze anymore but like we were sitting on a log in the woods what is this 1991 and we were like we realized we didn't have anything to do and we were kind of like just looking for something different like i feel stuck like every day's kind of been the same and she had a vape right when i did drink the best drunks were always it's 11 you're at a brunch best you realize you don't have anything best you realize they don't have anything two bloody marys becomes three now you just get in the bottle leave the bottle leave the bottle i make it sad you're pouring it in your mouth in the bathroom no but those like when it's not planned it's like booze and weed are actually kind of better when they're not planned psychedelics i think you should plan you need to plan people are always like i just threw a couple down my face and i had a bad trip i'm like no fucking shit yeah you need to bow down you need to you need to have a little bit of a of a little bit of a roadmap of where you'd like to go it's nice the whole thing is the roadmap but it's nice to be free yes but but prepared is always good that's an old that is also that's also we're getting older because when i was 17 18 i was just like we'll see we also had less there was no responsibility internet in 1999 like there was just less less bad shit in there yeah it was like some shit would pop up bad and you'd be like whoa what yeah now that's it's just that's all it is sometimes i think about the amount of porn i've seen in my life i've seen a lot of porn i've seen a lot of pornography the average guy is saying i'm just like i can't believe we're all just walking around with just archives of just fucking porn in your head too much yeah but i think most people now are watching it less than ever i feel like right now it's less uh in the traditional sense i think people are getting it from other things what do you mean video games people are getting from like uh uh only fans or tiktok or twitter or i think it's just in other forms now because traditional like go to the website click on the video i don't think that's as oh i think that's less of a thing now i've gotten i i just see that straight up as a as a drug it is a drug yeah yeah well you're 26 how do you consume it i'm less than ever really waking up earlier it just it fucks up my day it fucks up your day telling you i think it's less than ever i think the no fappy boys yeah are right on yeah no fappy no because if you it's too it's it's everywhere it's too much yeah it's too much you're 26 yeah that really gives me hope i'm like we grew up looking for it in the woods and had to and then we got it online and we're like holy shit it's like being at the m m store but after dark and i'm kevin mccallister and the wet bandits they ain't coming she's me getting type i'm coming type three diabetes type three is a hot that's like a netflix password of the diabetes jokes but like when you grow up and it was always ubiquitous i think it loses something oh yeah some of that pull i i don't know i'm not being funny i don't know what only only fans really is i think it's more like you subscribe to a person yeah i like it because you're paying a person for their work giving you a service right because i tried for the longest time to do a joke where i was like why are we okay with stealing porn it's another it's i feel the same way about prison rape i i don't like saying the word rape but i think that's a fucked up fucking nuts thing that we do in this country yeah this is god like i know america has its problems but for fuck's sake we're america we created cruel and unusual stalking is a crime like that's sophisticated like we know what we're doing we we make new laws like i believe in that stuff like i think it can be really powerful and we go enjoy your roommate bubba you're gonna be bubba's wife you're making a sexual assault joke yeah don't drop the soap don't drop and i go yeah if it if you want it to be part of the sentence have the judge decree that's what a society is how many assaults fucking own it you seem to like it you seem to love it average guy that the criminals are being assaulted yeah then make it part of it how many for embezzlement how many for grand theft auto right then i'm like how many for sexual assault don't you see what the fuck is happening right you're going to assault the assaulters and then release them it's not a life sentence for for uh rape i'm not trying to be yeah i don't like saying that word i i know it's a sensitive thing i'm just saying it's not a life sentence so somebody sexually assaults somebody you put them in prison they're sexually assaulted the whole time then you release them and say hey don't do that thing we didn't protect you from and we all go it's it's someone else but here's i used to do this on stage it's not funny at all but i would go who here has ever uh had two glasses of wine and gone for a drive everybody right we all have there's a true story a guy has two glasses of wine with lunch he gets in his car to drive home he's t-boned by a blackout real drunk driver this guy's really over the limit hits the guy who had two glasses of wine sends the car into a construction site kills a construction worker he goes to jail for 30 years for manslaughter because he had two glasses of wine in his system not enough food he's over the limit just a little bit killed a guy wow how many assaults for us how many do we deserve it's not criminals it's not gang member however you want to other prisoners it's fucking you so make your choice how many how few protections we want to give prisoners and just know that's the policy for fucking you i feel very worked up about this what was the other thing i was saying porn oh i tried to take a frame of a fantastic mr fox to make my daughter we love that movie so much it's a great movie one of the greatest movies ever i just wanted to make nothing it is illegal it turns out i just wanted to make a picture book of fantastic mr fox you know how you can go on like snapfish make a photo album sure so i'm going to take screen grabs of mr fox so i can make a kid's book because it doesn't exist right it's like this i'm not selling it it's just for my daughter i go you know i go into preview i'm dragging around the screen it comes out gray i can't take one frame of fantastic mr fox it's built into the software it won't let you rip a frame of it that's the only way i can make a picture book of a fantastic mr fox that's how serious we are about piracy but i can somebody uploads it's a film it's a film set there was craft services on a porno there was a sound guy there was a there were union reps there were camera people there was a script i know it's sucking and fucking and that's why we don't care because we're so ashamed of our sexuality so we go it's prison it's them it's it's other we don't we won't protect it but like if you had a porno where it was just a guy and a girl talking about how they're stepbrothers so they're not really related and then right before they kiss it cuts to black that's just a french art film but as soon as dick goes into puss we the whole american government who loves money who loves commerce what's more successful than pornography like we love winning we'll allow corporations to break every rule as long as they're winning well nothing's winning more than pornography right like it makes a lot of money oh yeah but it makes people who didn't make it money it makes some fucking guy hiding in a bunker in sweden billions of dollars literally off the backs of people that make these porns right and i'm i'm saying that's fucked up so only fans seems like a great solution it does look them in the eye look them in the eye buy them dinner pay their rent you fucking coward you're gonna pay who's ripping this shit consequence-free, and so much of it is underage, so much of it is non-consensual, secret hidden camera fucking bullshit. Get off those things. I'm saying if you want to do porn, go to OnlyFans. I think that's a great solution. Because it's creator-generated. It's creator-generated. I'm a comedian. I'm playing the hand I dealt. I was dealt. It's hard to talk about this without making it sound like porn people are funny like, "Dee, dee, dee." I'm not. I'm saying they're playing the hand. They're playing this way in show business, and it's show business. It is. And they're being ripped. Yeah. And I've tried to make it funny, but you can't do it without putting them down. You're like, you give Meryl Streep an Oscar, this woman, XYZ. Something crazy. Yeah. But joke aside, that's serious work. It's sex work. It's serious work. It's work. Yeah. It's fucking work. You ever see a porno and it jump cuts? Something happened. Yeah. What happened? Something went wrong. I don't mean violence or weird. A guy lost his dick. Something. Yeah. It's a production. People worked. People were relieved when it was done. I don't mean because. I'm one of those people, I'm like, "Please enjoy it. I really hope you're enjoying it. I want everyone to be happy." Yeah. But you clocked out. Maybe you didn't feel like it that day. You still showed up and you did your job. People are getting ripped left and right, but no politician wants to run on the policy of like, "These MILFs have bills." They can't do it. Because we're so. We're almost at a Japanese. I mean that. Japan has such a dichotomy between their shadow and their everyday life. We have it too. We're still puritanical and social. We are very puritanical. Meanwhile, billions and billions and billions of views. Who do you think's looking at this stuff? Who do you think's making this stuff? Americans. Right. American people. You're next to them in the movies, you're next to them at Trader Joe's, and you're ripping them off. They have families, they have kids, they have bills, they're just like you but prisoners and porn stars we just don't fucking care god i love you i mean it's like the most eloquent way to put that i wish i could do it on stage it's just not funny no but it's but it's wonderful it's a good podcast bit it's a great bit i appreciate it and on that note we got some good laughs we got some goofball shit but silly silly silly fun boy boy silly silly fun is probably the most um appropriate title of anything you've ever put out that i'll really like no it's just the most appropriate thing you've ever put out in terms of your other titles have been clever and funny and you but this is this is yes this is this is veal call it how i see it just name it this is silly and go watch it right now i want all of our youtube it's free we're gonna link it down below um and please go watch it please also pre-order the book that will be linked below to cast on your parents yeah please please go and go enjoy that what i was gonna say to your fans books get lost in the shuffle and this is a book that's very special to me so pre-orders make a difference yeah pre-order it please don't wait for it's not out for a couple months but like please pre-order it because that stuff is it helps the algorithm i hate to like plead here no no that's real i love this book so if you think oh that sounds like something i might get please don't wait for it to come out just pre-order i don't think it's very expensive it'll show up on your door and if you're a childless loser like myself you can all you can order it for your friend nephew friend friends you have friends i know you have friends with kids people are making kids all you can read it to your lover in a weird kink i would read this to my wife and that'd be funny cast spells on me if you could make a video of that that's worth 10 g's for me i'll give you 10 cast spells on your daddy is that what it is spells to cast on your daddy yeah okay i can't tell you what the spells are but you're gonna want to you're gonna want to stretch go pre-order it go watch a special go to go to pete holmes's website to go see him uh live on tour peteholmes.com enjoy him consume him he's one of my favorite comedians and friends in the business pay for your porn and please pay for your porn look into that camera say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready one word or one phrase you've done both i think you've said a phrase before and you've also said one singular word on this show wait it can be a phrase pay for your porn perfect in here we pour whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey like vampires the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like gingers need fast hydration for the summer heat hydrate your winds with the new liquid iv sugar-free ring pop cherry it's the classic cherry ring pop flavor you grew up loving reimagined as a zero sugar hydration mix that's clinically proven to hydrate faster than water alone whether you're spending the day in the heat recovering after a workout or just looking for an easy afternoon pick-me-up liquid iv makes hydration simple and delicious shop liquid iv.com save with their buy three get one free offer and use promo code pod 26 that's p-o-d-2-6 close your eyes exhale feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today while i'm letting go of the worry that i wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class i got them delivered free from 1-800 contacts oh my gosh they're so fast and breathe oh sorry i almost couldn't breathe when i saw the discount they gave me on my first order oh sorry namaste visit 1-800 contacts.com today to save on your first order 1-800 contacts i don't think i can be your friend asabella said rebecca's stomach flipped this is the love story of real hinge couple isabella and rebecca written and read by me temi dentonhurst listen to the free audiobook now