Pete Holmes 4.0

Hi, it's Rick Glassman from this podcast. We'll get right to the show, but first I wanted to let you know that I'm on my stand-up comedy tour, Ricky's on the Loose, and I'm in Dallas this weekend. And if you're in Washington, D.C., Montreal, Quebec, Edinburgh, or London in the UK, Portland or Eugene in Oregon, Philadelphia, PA, or Houston, Texas, my tickets are for sale now at rickglassman.com. And if you want to be the first to be notified when I'm coming to your city because I'm adding dates as we speak, go to rickglassman.com slash tour, sign up for my email list, and I'll let you know. Hey, girls, get started without me. I'll be right there. Hurry up, Rick. Seriously, what are you doing? Please, I'll be right there. Now enjoy the show. The show. The show. The show. The show. The show. Coming outside now. That's what I say to a woman if I am going to release on her. Belly and boobs. It's too early in the episode to talk like that. I did say boobs instead of ****. Alvin, what are you doing? No real gentleman's, real gentleman's squalor. You ever smoke a vitamin? Welcome to the Terror Dome. Scoop-doo. Blabbity blue. Scoop-dee. Oh, yeah. I imagine people like you like milk a lot. Like a titty baby? No, just a tall Christian. Christians love the milk of the Lamb of God. Do you want it cold? I'd love it. You don't have sparkling? Of course. I'd love a sparkling. That's how you know he's a fox, because he's got lots of opsh. I remember you, little cheddar cheese. It's not as good. Get on up there. You can do it. Bob Schneider. Oh, do you have a magic mind? I do have a magic mind. Buddy, do you want the caffeine-free, the extra strength, the regular strength, or the sleep aid? Yeah. Sleep aid with a microdose of melatonin or the old gen? And if you want to get the magic mind, I say get in line. Let's go. Let's go. That's how you know I take it real serious. That's a bit I do with my daughter. Well, it's mine. That is the funniest. Has anyone ever laughed at that? I just got it in the mail. I just put it out for the first time. It's so funny. Because he's so, he's such a talented man, and it's funny to be like, this is what I like about him. This is what I like. It's like Jay Baruchel did ads in Canada for, like, the lottery, and I think Jay Baruchel is one of the finest actors in the world, and it's just kind of funny if you had, like, a Jay Baruchel Canadian lotto thing. Well, I'd put it up if you got me one. I would. Or smokes if you— Smoke it if you got a J. A J. We Bear-shalled it. What is the kid with dark hair in the movie Knocked Up put on when he's cold? A bear-shall. Like, shawl. All right, bud. Kristen-shall. John Michael, I probably edited it all out. So here's what I'm thinking. I have a vitamin. I'm glad Natasha Lyonne could be here. I'm glad Natasha Lyonne could be here for you, but YouTube doesn't like it when we use vitamins on the show, so we might have to pixelate it. So, last time I had some buds on and having some vitamins, they gave me some shit because one of them is half-smoked—eaten. I love vitamin B12. It used to be in our soil before we over-farmed. Do you care? Do you want a new one? I just don't want to waste them. Why? Who is in the vitamin-taking world that's also like, "It better be crisp. I'm not 2 Chainz." Do we have any full—I have so many full-size joints. The thing is, those are just from you guys, basically. Wow. Wait a sec. We're not even good enough to have them. Yeah, I could. I just didn't want to be throwing that away because I don't smoke. Because smoking what we smoked last time—yeah, I'll give you a new one if that's better for you. No, no, no. We get it. We get it. Trying to take the trash out of us. Do you switch toothpaste before you do everything you can to get it out? We're not brushing our fucking teeth together. What are we talking about? My dad? God-conserving, huh? I would love a new joint, but you know what, I guess I'll take the sloppy second. Yeah, it's like putting a cork on a white wine after a weekend party and then they come back and they go, "This is similar to the bottle we had." Yeah, finish the wine. If the wine's no good, then I'll throw the wine away. But you corked it. It's bad. Imagine going to a bachelorette party and then you go to a wedding and it's the same bottle of wine because the girl goes, "I didn't want to waste it." And you go, "Why didn't you get a new bottle, Christine? You're at a winery." And she goes, "Do you know how much fucking Chardonnay is, Greg?" Finish that. What is this, my vegetables before bed? Wow, that's gonna crush. We didn't finish before we left. Clip it. You finish that, you get your supper. And add nudity to it. Oh, and superimpose two chains in with them. Can we? This episode is sponsored by PrizePix. Do you guys have PrizePix in the UK? Never heard of it. Well, you could download the app today and use code "PrizePix" to win a prize. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it. I've never heard of it. Well, you could download the app today and use code "Taiso" to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. Repeat twice. Download the app today and use code "Taiso" to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. PrizePix, America's number one sports pick app. Hey, ain't that the truth. Rick, do you sometimes feel that something's between your idea and a real business? I mean, yeah. Everyone does. It's a nightmare, isn't it? What's interesting is, with Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Will you do this? Will you do that? Yes. That's supposed to come in. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/Taiso. Rick, do you mind if I say something to your audience for a second? No. Look, I don't know if you've ever seen Rick do stand-up, but I was fortunate enough to watch him do stand-up the other night, and it was a great show. He's obviously a natural. Thank you. He's got funny bones. Not only is it funny, but the way he gets into sort of deep kind of thinking in his show, I found really refreshing, and it was a remarkable show. And you could check out one of my shows, too. In September, I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon, and Philadelphia, PA, October, Houston, Texas, Tacoma, Washington, November, Salt Lake City, Utah. I'm adding more dates, rickglassman.com or rickglassman.com/tour. You could sign up for my email list. I'll let you know if I'm coming close to your city. Thank you so much for checking out this podcast, and as I say at the end of every ad break, peace out. Peace out. This is you when you're in a nursing home, and I don't even mean it as a bad thing, like your grandchildren. Why would I take that as a bad thing? Your great-grandchildren will visit you, and you'll be like, and we swipe, and my bowel movement is nice and firm. Oh, no, I don't know if that's right. And we swipe, and the nurse is here, the one I like with the big cans. And we swipe, and everyone's clapping for the things I did as a young man. Oh. I feel like on a vitamin one, you should wear this. Oh, I think, yeah, I think that this would put it on. Oh, my pop. Oh, I don't mind that pop. It's like when night vision goggles go on. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. It's a lot higher than this. I can't see so good. I need my night vision goggles. Where were you? I was seeing if there was somebody here that could. Oh, okay. You can do it. This is what this is going to be. You're the best. You're the best. You're the only one. I hate you. I know. You're the only one I know. What's spilling? Oh. Some sort of ectoplasm? All right. I'll do my churters. I'll do my churters now. I'm going to put the air purifier on. Benny Hill music. Let that be a lesson. Let that be a lesson to the children. Two puffs, especially if you don't know it. If you don't know this bitch, you better two puffs before you let her in your house. Ever hold a mic like a hoagie? Have you ever held a mic like a hoagie? that you that you're kind of protective of you're afraid birds or other boys might take your hoagie so you hold the mic have you ever held a mic like a hoagie i don't hold a sandwich like this no i know it's you have to be worried about it yeah this is this is i don't think i hold any food like this no no they call it two-handing it i'll have a i'll eat some stuff with two hands yeah like why didn't the ice cream cone that was two-tiered you know what i'm talking about there were some ice cream cones that were like jk two flavors just two scoops it's like it's this and then it's this it's like a bra it's a cone bra not madonna it's a cone bra do you want something to drink do you know what i'm talking about i could imagine a cone with two things two receptacles yeah it didn't catch on and you're a young man i know it from my penny whistle days who's the target market for who wants to listen to anything we've done so far i'm gonna say i'm gonna i'm gonna concede the point and i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm actually not just take my shoes off i'm gonna bow to your dojo and say please start over i'm gonna like earnestly apologize for like taking the lead and being like you ever hold up and then like a like i'm sorry and you please with no pressure but like please but like thank you yeah uh mikey oh mikey do you think the painter michelangelo ever went by mikey or donatello went by donnie or leonardo went by leo or raf he went by raf thank you for your help go ahead i'm i apologize well you sounded like alvin a little bit but he he actually appalled a paul apologizes did you know after rocky lost that big match up the other guy apollo judged wow i didn't realize that i thought that was part of his creed what am i chopped liver are you gonna say part of his creed no i was going to do something even better okay do it i don't remember not but it was something about henry winkler and rocky and bull winkle there's gonna be something about that but much like the fauns is it fair to say that you can't apologize wait the funds never apologize or he doesn't say happy birthday or something he doesn't say so so sorry i think narcissists don't say sorry no i think i think uh the funds never doesn't apologize i think that was like his thing you've referenced this before i believe in the sona episode well i'm not sona mountain ducian so you better start is it true that fonzi can't apologize yes it's true and you're the man rick wow yes it's true that arthur fonzi funzarelli the iconic character from the sitcom happy days had a famous psychological block against admitting he was wrong because that's what masculinity was back then that's called narcissism dude it's over diagnosed i agree that's what narcissistic that's a narcissistic tendency and that's my bad wow it's all about me with the mimi it's all about the me with the mimi do you like it the the chick from drew carey show mimi is she the say it say it the one that wears too much makeup yes at least she was in the show what were you gonna say black no we don't do this enough no i i well i use a puppet on stage so i do you do use a puppet i forget this oh oh mr splinter is here he's thrilled he's like cowabunga but like i mean it this time like he says it so much he has to clarify yeah the guys i know i overuse it but when i'm in a relationship i try not to say i love you back just when the other person says they love me if we love each other because i don't we love each other yes and if i want to make sure that when i say it it's uh not so much a call and response yep uh so it still holds as mercer tommy would say water the two utes yeah listen i love that and when my wife says i love you what borat sorry i thought ingredients please continue ingredients yes bore out ingredients better ingredients papa john's there you go when you did my podcast you said anytime people say ingredients you say papa john's it's like when people talk about ingredients and then i just go papa john's papa john's is a great thing whenever i mean i just love magic there's althenian great ingredients papa john's you know but that was in the middle of something else that we were doing yeah you're right it's like the brain can only feel one type of pain i try all the time and i'm never as good as you are dad all right uh everything was in fast forward and we're starting now theme music take your shoes off please it's it's it's it's it's not a bit and we're back pete i think i would like for for us each to have 20 minutes to talk and we could then we could all talk together we could do it again we're going to talk more than that yeah but where it's 20 minutes where one of us like you're talking and i'll like you can ask me questions and whatever but it's you're taking the lead and then it's gonna be 20 minutes where i'm taking the lead i sure can we do that created it set timer for 20 minutes you want to start you want me to start i should have started but i won't take it all right this is yours but it's not just about words it's actually less about words and more about the energy the energy of like you know when you're talking to a friend and they're kind of going through it and like you have like you went to the post office but you left because the line was too long so your day like and you want to complain about how whenever that guy is there why is he still working there but the stakes are so much lower than this yes so you give them that space not because it's fair but because it's theirs right now it's not fair it's there i can interject like i can help a little bit right what you did before was fine but this is not okay right now you're reading stage directions i can interject like i can help a little bit right what you did before was fine but this is not okay right now you're reading stage directions right interior you're still doing it rick smiles that winning smile but it's flattering i don't mind it right now rick handsome as ever knock it off seriously it is my but thank you rick with a plum that others envy sometimes scripts say stuff and it's like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah you know blah blah blah and i'm like who gives a like who gives a the type of guy that when he walks in a room he knows it's going to be cold outside or something it's like what the yeah yeah yeah the sort of person that has a quiet confidence that doesn't need to be shouted yeah shut up shut up shut up you know what i write scripts you know what i do ryan and then parentheses figure it out in parentheses and figure it out make your choices you mean you don't put readers in is that what you mean i don't know are you going to sleep what are you a baby going to sleep no i'm a baby that had a lot of breast milk but i want to enjoy it so i'm trying to stay awake there's no milk i imagine people like you like milk a lot like a titty baby no it's a tall christian christians love the milk of the lamb of god you truly i mean one of a kind it's your time though thank you i would say pete holmes 40s tall yeah jewish psych and then people will be like i don't understand is he not jewish is it is he not tall is it like does are we is that like a trick or is it like oh is it like he pretends like he like he like like what's his name from breaking bad who pretends he's jewish better call mike brian cranston crammed him the anti-identity he is an anti-identity and you swear to god swaps shows and i like it yeah well jerry was the anti-identity he called gerald an anti-identity yeah i like that you talked i'm trying like i like that you talked that's the whole point yeah yeah you get it this is how you calm rick down you see everything and you understand it's nice when we get to talk yes and i just wanted to make sure with two powerhouses like us two brick houses when we have uh done some of the the E-weezy, E-weezy, E-weezy, that we just remember, like, let's slow down. Take a beat. Nope. No. Taking a beat is pausing. Slowing down is slowing down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't stop the car on the highway. Just go the speed limit. You could go a little faster. I think 10 over is all right. There's a big difference between 10 over and 15 over, according to local law enforcement in my mind. This is going to be a bad look. It's like, but this is, I am recalling my time. Is that what that means? I see those old white guys in the Supreme Justice system saying that all the time. I recuse it to you. Start over. Recuse. Recuse. When people say recuse. I know. That's a reader. Janet enters. The kind of girl that says recuse when you don't have to, which is all of the time. But then in the first time, like, we meet her, she says recuse, and then it says everyone gives her a look. Who still uses that? We'll get to it. Give us a minute. Because the watcher isn't going to know that that's what she is. Why do I need to know it now? I'm very particular with storytelling order. There are times I notice, and also, we are performers. See? Some would say over-performers. I don't always mug to you. Sometimes I mug to that one. Yeah. What is that, a submarine sandwich or something you're eating? What are you doing? What if you saw me at the airport, and I was eating a submarine sandwich, but I was holding it like this? I would know that you saw me coming. Yeah, because this happened. Yeah. Yeah. really freaking me out man i mean that's a stoner in the 90s and a tv show no i know it's fucking freaking me out i do it a lot i like that guy when i'm stoned year 20 starts now well for another month and a half actually hey siri i turned 30 in july what if i try to sound like you as hey siri i turned 30 in july say something say hey siri this is your 20 minutes hey siri hey siri it's never just hey siri it's always then something oh i was just doing your line read what i don't even say hey to her i don't have hey siri set up i say hey siri all day this shit hey siri i don't talk to siri i don't talk to siri i don't fuck with alexa go ahead why do all dogs smell kind of the same oh hot take are we on the subway right now strongly disagree here's why first of all not all dogs do smell the same duh is this your subway take show um yeah but uh but i would hold it i would hold it like this that my little mike uh the subway you fresh oh that went wrong right why don't we have a conversation dude okay okay i'm really trying here and this isn't at you this is at us no i get it i'm also seeing what's happening and soul boom rain wilson is hard to get rid of i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know it's hard to beat it's happening again okay you go i'm trying okay go ahead i've been weaving through it like the guy from the matrix hugo weaving wow agent smith all right so i was telling you about storytelling order and uh unfortunately we uh got out of order whoops sometimes red suck and with those precious whites sometimes i'll see i'll hear somebody telling a story that i don't know and i'm like oh my god i don't know i don't know i don't know also know and they revealed something that is a reveal too soon so so i have a couple of friends hiding on the balcony right so my buddy comes over and blah blah it's like you don't you don't tell don't tell them that yet let them enjoy the surprise too yeah yeah yeah well no it doesn't matter i'm just letting you know what we were doing are you trying to let them know what your workflow was because that's fine if they're trying to do this but that's a boring story well that's in that uh that's in that book uh story by robert mckee do you know that no he's just like why is it that some people can tell you a story that like factually is the most interesting thing you've ever heard in your life like they saw an alien limping across the highway that's pretty good right some people tell that story and you're bored to tears and some people tell the story where they can't find their car keys and you're on the edge of your seat some people know sto storytelling order that's you what's not just order i mean there's storytellers that have a different talent i mean jamie fox eddie murphy telling a story with their voices you know their voices don't don't do that no i'm serious they do and you know who else does lamorne morris i kind of think eddie murphy edward and then the next generation is jamie fox jamie and then the next generation is lamorne for me i think lamorne would disagree with you there and that's kind of like denzel washington while we're just talking about black guys in in equalizer three love it uh spoiler alert no this is this in the inciting incident of the movie and i'm telling you something that happens there which is he uh is injured and now he's in um i think the south of italy he's somewhere in europe and he's in some village and this man who's helping him like he'll doesn't know if he's a danger to him to his family in his village and he asks the equalizer are you a good man and he says i don't know and later not a spoiler it's one of the messages he knew that he was a good man because a good uh because a bad man would never say i don't know yeah only a good man would say i don't know so he says it in an italian accent he's like only a good man would say i don't know and then he goes at the end day it's how like he wasn't really italian so that's how he stayed in cut and then day and then day i'm ready for another he would say do you remember this no how did you see this are you making this up yeah oh i was like i would love to watch that wow you say he really seemed like he was do you love the equalizer movies i'm sorry i thought you like do i like do i eat chinese food because the answer is yes to both well then you know his name what is the equalizer's name the equalizer that's what we all call him i don't know but his name is robert all right it's robert cranston um i love the equalizer movies in order uh one three two robert mccall robert mccall thank you one three he's always fixing his napkin i might go two three one everybody knows equalizer two is the worst really or is jim carrey would say five pounds of pressure son five pounds of pressure oh you didn't hear me what don't do denzel on your show no i said uh you said really and i said or as jim carrey would say oh but jim carrey doing an impression of denzel washington in the equalizer i just for whatever reason in my head i thought you would know exactly what i was saying and of course you don't why would you it's not a you thing it's not but i meant as jim carrey would say or whatever like a glove now if you do jim carrey you say have you yet awoken to the idea that there's only one consciousness i don't know him oh he talks he talks he talks a good one consciousness yeah i've seen those rick oh go ahead we'll blur you i just you know and shut his mic off for a minute what's the weirdest thing you've ever masturbated to take your shoes off take your inhibitions off we'll be right into it i don't think i've ever masturbated anything weird or i wouldn't have masturbated to it because it was not weird to you yeah what do you think that i would think might be weird like are you sexually attracted to like sand dunes or just like open spaces yeah okay you're right i don't think i've ever masturbated to anything weird because it was not weird to you let's take have masturbated out because that's just too much could you see yourself masturbating to just like a a beautiful vista yeah it was horny and i was masturbating and that's just like what i was looking at but you can't like think about other stuff you're just like into that vista that's kind of like uh meditation yeah i don't know i don't know if i could not think of something it's like would you eat this for a million dollars yeah you can't throw up yeah because if you eat something gross but like if you throw up you don't get it like if you had to eat a big old cockroach and they said i'll give you you know a million dollars but uh if you throw up you don't get the million dollars it's like i don't know i might throw up you don't think you can give like an executive two key turn order no barfing no i know but like are you considering oh but well if you swallow your own throw up then it comes up and you just send it to the it back down to the lobby. Yeah. I mean, but, but I don't, I would hate if I did that. And then some got out and I got disqualified and I don't get any money. And now I ate a cockroach and I ate my throw up. This is how we're similar. Cause I want to know, like, how about if a little barf comes out? That's, that's, I have to talk to my lawyer before I deal, make this agreement. But to be honest with you, like I, I do not want to eat, like I was watching Survivor and they eat these disgusting bugs for something. And so somebody else gets some chicken fingers. I know it's not a great sell, but this is the first time I've ever watched this. It's like a little quasar, isn't it? It's beautiful. This bro gets it. Why do you look like you have a van? Do you have a van? No, I have an Accord. A what? An Accord. I thought you said a McCord. Robert McCall. I don't know. I, when I say you look like you have an airbrush van with like two dolphins sword fighting on the side and it's sunset. And like. You know what I mean? I can see it. I mean, that is a very high compliment. You know, you still a lot of times say things and then you let them know that you mean it as a compliment because you realize they may not think that way. I would challenge you to start maybe offering compliments in a way that could be received without the exposition, but you're very good at what you do. I mean, what a privilege to know you. I believe that you see me. You see me so well. I do. And it's, I don't know if I'd call you a champion of mine. I am. I'm a huge champion of yours. So my wife, Valerie, was going to come to. No. That's not how he laughs. So my wife, Valerie, wanted to come to this. Like, because when I tell people I'm doing your podcast, the thing I get the most is like, I would love to do his podcast. Like every. Like regularly. Regular people that like don't do pod. Regular. I think we're all regular. I think of myself as more regular than a regular. Well, since the magnesium complex I've been taking, I will say I have been having stools much more consistently in the morning. And we cut two and my stool is nice and firm and the nurse I like. Yeah. Beautiful nurse. Uh-oh. Stone Trump. Will you do the rest? Nope. The whole time it's gone already. It left. Go on. Where? Magnesium? Uh, for being, you said regular people. Where are we getting the stuff from vitamins when they're like, we need some vitamin C. Are they like ripping? Are they like a syringe into a orange? And then they, that would just be juice. Where are they getting it? Centrifuge. Science is always like, you know what we do? It's like fucking grow up. You got a little care of self. Your subway hot take. Wasting everyone's time. God, you know, my hot take is subway guy with a hair centrifuge disagree. Look, this is such a stoned thought, but it is so dumb that science is like, well, we wanted to know a lot about it. So we spun, we spun it real fast. No, it helps. It helps with your typical force. It is in typical force. Thank you. But I don't know what it's. It's separating things. It's like when you're on the cycle. It's the opposite of emulsification. Yeah. Yeah. It's demulsification. Sorry, my jaw locked. What did you say? You, you know, what's fun about you? I think you think you could beat anybody up. Like anybody. I think about it all the time. I think you think like, I don't even have to ask because I'm a hundred percent sure. I mean, I, you think 12 years of my life was spent competing. What? Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu until I was 27. I don't see races of Kung-Fus. You know, a lot of people don't know this, but Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu happened when the Brazilians went to Japan and they taught them there. The Japanese taught the Brazilians. Yeah. And churros were when the Spaniards did something with somebody. And the Brazil waxes when there ain't nothing left. I mean, how does Brazil feel about that? Oh, honey. Honey. Mine. Bachi, bachi ball. Bachi, bachi ball. And then the thing fell was perfect. It was a blanket statement. I'm just saying, like, I'm sure Brazil is like, we have this and we're the home of Pablo Neruda or something. Pablo Neruda grew up in Brazil. But no, he went to Duke University. Oh, my God. Our. Our. Oh, our God. Don't exclude me from your God, please. Because I don't think God would want us to exclude each other because of the color of our skin or how fat we are. But anything else is fine. It was so close to being an inclusive thing. I don't care. I don't think God cares how fat we are. Hmm. When she turns, there's cake on this side of her face. Cake. Because she's. Oh, too much makeup caked on. Listen, I want to be a good guest for you. Well, how can I help? I would say there's nothing you could do today. Go ahead. Do you want to know how vitamins get in the capsules? Yeah. He was more talking about the process of of getting the raw material of the vitamin. Yeah. Oh, not just how you put them in the cap. Yeah. Like, where are we getting calcium? They extract it from plants. Animals. Synthesize them in a lab, producing them via microorganism. Then the concentrated raw materials are weighed, blended, and enclosed in gelatin or plant-based shells. Weighed. W-H-E-Y. E-D. Weigh. I was such a Wayne's World fan when I read the. What? In the last one of the episodes that came out recently with Nick Kroll, he said, could I, something like, could I be Wayne? Like, and could I still be Garth? Oh, my turn. We do a lot of penis stuff in post-production. Yeah, no, I'm aware. I'm aware. So if you could just bring down the girth for me, uh, sure. Could I still be Wayne? I'm going to be Frank. Okay. Can I still be Garth? Can I be Frank with you? Sure. Do you remember that? Vaguely. I mean, I, I, I've heard of Shopify. Isn't that where you go to start your business? Oh, I don't know exactly. What does this say here? Shopify is where you go to start your business. Yes. Oh yeah. Oh yes. Cause it has everything you need already there from day, I think they three or four. It takes a little bit. Nope. From day one. What? From day one for this read, think about your listeners who have been sitting on a business idea. Imagine people. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. What's a business idea that you've had that you felt it was too hard to get going? Uh, um, disposable chairs. What's the benefit of them? They're edible. Oh, edible chairs. Edible brilliant. Yeah. Not disposable, disposable inside you. Well, Shopify powers, millions of businesses worldwide, millions. I'm sure there's edible underwear out there. Why not? Chairs edible. What's it called? What's the chairs called? Each chair. What's cool about Shopify is they have this checkout feature that including the moment your first customer is ready to pay Shopify checkout helps more of them finish their purchase. And when they come back, they're. Your details are already saved one tap and they're done. You have to go someplace like you've already ordered from and you're like, I'm going to tell them this again. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I get it. Because Shopify handles this, this is so hard because Shopify handles a setup and checkout. Your listeners have more time to focus on growing their business and the tools to do it. My listeners, of course, being you guys at home with Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify dot com slash Taiso. Taiso, Taiso, Taiso, pay it out. Yeah, it's a bloody scorching hot summer, isn't it? And yeah, isn't it? Yeah, you can make all your picks on price picks. What does that even mean? Well, women's basketball and baseball are heating up, aren't they? Yeah. Well, yeah, women's not. Women's basketball is very, very big right now. Kate and Clark, Catelyn, Catelyn Clark is a big part of that. Well, Angel. I think Angel Reese will have something to say about that. Oh, you know, yeah, every football preseason game kicks off this month on price picks, doesn't it? I didn't know that. Yeah, go on. And, you know, you've got the you've got the big tennis slams and the major golf tournaments on the horizon. You call golf football here, don't you? Yes, correct. Yeah. And we call tennis Kabaddi, but there is no better place for all. Yeah. You're summer sports, sports picks, the prize picks as far from what I've heard. Because I don't think they have prize picks in the UK. No, they don't. It's awesome. You'll love it. But my wife was just saying to me today, aren't prize picks America's number one sports picks? Yes. Now, there's something I want to acknowledge. I love playing around with with this kind of stuff, but also play responsibly. Please. OK, if you're going to put your money into this, put money into this that you're comfortable losing. And. Of course, you don't want to lose money. But like when you go to Disneyland and you spend however many hundreds of dollars at the end of the day, that money. is gone it was worth it to you you had a good time if you're having a good time do it but if this is something that you have a difficult time but i would say this is not for you but they are a sponsor i my my family does this kind of stuff i'm okay with this kind of stuff but i also recognize just got to say like please be intentional with what you're doing and there's something i want to say well it's that right that the football preseason is here and there's no better place to run your game than prize picks i mean your wife said it best when she said america's number one sports pick app we've got star players on new teams and a rookie class that's ready to take over download the app today and use code tyso tyso to get 150 yso to get 150 dollars instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar lineup tyso tyso to get 150 dollars instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar five dollars lineup price picks america's number one sports pick up tyso this episode is sponsored by revolve man you've probably heard of revolve women if you're a woman probably because it's a hot it's a hot uh shopping shopping network i know i i mean i before revolve men even came to me i didn't know that they did men's clothes i knew of this app i know people that use it oh yeah wow they do do men's clothes yeah yeah and i've been buying stuff on it so when i first found out about it i used it just to like to better understand how it works but now like it's kind of a thing i go to i like clothes i got into clothes a couple years ago there's certain brands i like revolve gets new stuff all the time you could say it's constantly changing like or and adding to their their inventory free two-day shipping i've been ordering stuff from them where like oh i like this i don't like this where the idea is almost like trying it on so like i don't feel bad if i'm ordering stuff just to try on hey john michael who is the revolve guys who care about how they look go to shop it's pretty simple so if you're looking for something to wear for a big night out a wedding a trip or you just need something last minute that actually works believe me revolve man has it go to revolve.com slash tyso to shop and use code tyso for 15 off your order free two-day shipping which is awesome easy returns awesome you just try stuff on it just makes everything easier that's revolve.com slash tyso and use code tyso for 15 off your entire order offer and soon do not sleep on it good i like so you're not such a fan of wayne's world i'm a fan of wayne's world i don't think that's one of the like bedrock cornerstone jokes a lot of people's girlfriends are in there that's it how about i don't own a gun let alone many guns that necessitate an entire rack and i wouldn't even say i love wayne's world okay about some young guy yeah what people have something i'm a guy when i was starting stand up well i think pete meant to say was he's seen wayne's world oh my god i loved wayne's world i love i love are you seeing the biggie camera one camera two who's anthony who's anthony my drummer i remember a lot from wayne's you do can we get a better actor in here yeah canary street or whatever it is do you know what i'm talking about no but i do remember the better bringing charlton heston i do remember the actor yeah and then he goes he goes i always felt bad for the guy that played the bad actor i'm sure he's doing it on purpose but what if he didn't know until mike myers goes oh sorry can we get a better actor in here tight black t-shirt it's my new merch boys are my arms tired boy are my arms tired yeah freudian slip much boys are jacking me off what well why does it say that because that's a joke that i made up that's like when richard lewis was like i made up for cod salad oh no that wasn't that was an episode i thought it was richard lewis too that was an episode that was an episode that was an episode of curb somebody said they invented the cob salad it was like his uncle invented the cob salad i love when you talk i do and i also also on curb richard lewis says he came from hell and i'm like that's like i don't know i just maybe he did i uh it seems like like i i just i just went to the gym uh i did upper body and boy are my arms tired that's very good or if we were promoting a smoothie it's very good i'm not any i'm not anti those oxidants is that am i riffing yeah what what if there was a can i tell you about the joke that my son told said that is like when he was very young he goes antibodies more like uncle bodies right yes really what if there was a job what where there was someone who just went around with you and encouraged you and was like you're riffing i think that is the job that my mother took on not exactly that way like she was a cheerleader i talked to my dog i realized like oh that's the way my mom talked to me as a kid here he goes poop and i go biggest boy goes doody you and it actually makes me feel so good it makes i'm like oh my gosh my mom must love me so much because of how i feel about this dog and that's how i want to like i'm genuinely i'm meaning i'm not just like he needs to hear this you are such a look what you did you know like yeah so like i feel that my dog is enormous it's like i bet my dog is 75 of these dogs i didn't mean that in a shit out of your dog even 75 times my dog borat forgot his lines my dog wow borat when he's trying to be randy jackson very good or if we were promoting a tropical smoothie tropic thunder thank you very good i actually thought tropic thunder was very good uh how many subs 100k that was for our first 100k but we're well above that now great hung it up huh yeah i um i have trophies all over the place oh wow what are the golden headphones for being a good listener there's some some right behind you uh this one is for most innovative video podcasts oh wow i mean dude it's crazy the amount of awards we win it's crazy out there are you hungry no i just is this the one that's the one that's the one that's the one that's is this right sure are you in frame yeah i'm in frame yeah i do worry about the focus a little bit but my level of focus uh yes but i feel that maybe we'll just we'll have this lens be a little soft to match it like cinemax oh boy like isn't it great the dogs aren't like i can't nap now i'll be up all night yeah do you think that if i ever want to nap i'm not worried about being up all night really i will not i will try not to take a two-hour nap but for up to 45 minutes yeah i i don't know what i mean by this but i think you'll agree if you take a two-hour nap the sandman is involved my man just say it my man you could say it van man what sandman say who it is or you could bleep it thomas hayden church yes and make sure you blur the mouth the sandman is involved because the sand sure you get i don't know if people know this do people know this the the sandman is like oh you the sandman visited you is because you have the the crusties in there it's like little kernels of sand yeah okay that's like saying do you know that cinnamon toast crunch the reason those cartoon characters look like that is because they're covered in cinnamon and toast and crunch i don't mean to have a rick and i mean i don't mean to have a rick glassman level of confidence on this i think if we could who wants to be a millionaire ask the audience where does why do we call it the sandman with multiple choice because that's what it would be i like where you're going i let me hear the four options where they wouldn't be able to pick it out it's because um sand is heavy and you sleep okay narrow that one down give me three more you hungry because bags of sand are like pillows okay probably not but let's see what we got so i'm not crossing it off uh that you're asleep for a long time and sand in the hourglass okay those two are very similar which makes me think it's going to be the next one if it makes sense what's the fourth one you have those crusties oh yeah but yes i'll save my i'll save it thank you with that final answer okay i was just on who wants to be a millionaire and i said respuesta final did they accept that i don't know what you're saying to me espanola hermano - Spanish, brother. - Spanish, comma, brother. I'm not saying we're the Spanish brothers. I'm not ready for that level of commitment. Me neither. Me neither. I mean, I know we got stoned, but we didn't get Rosetta stoned. You are the only one. I thought you were going to say the weakest link because that was around the same time. We are a great duo, Lingo. Nice. Nice. You know, if we put that, if we repeat that over and over, we could do a loop. Oh, nice. Do I look like I'm surfing in Egypt? Wow. I could say that. Wow. I can. So you studied Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? It's a practice. We don't call it studying. It's training or practice. Oh, wow. Studying is the art of, which I'm interested in and I'm still very interested in. Maybe I would start doing. So you think you could beat me? I don't like talking about that kind of stuff. Beat you up in a fight? Yeah. For the joke, I would legitimately agree if you agreed for us to really get in a fistfight right now. And we would probably both get hurt. You'd be on the fucking floor coming. Bleeding and bleeding out. Any liquid out of me, I like it. It's a drain. Yeah. You'd be coming out. Do you remember from earlier? Coming out as gay? No. John Michael earlier, the coming out and then about that's when having sex with somebody and ejaculating, when I'm going to ejaculate on their stomach or breasts. Oh, yeah. I am going to release on her belly and boobs. Did I offend you with coming out as gay? I thought that's what you meant. I'm not easily offended. I also don't want to take on the responsibility of protecting all of our listeners. I did think that was kind of a mean thing to joke about to make it as if that is funny. Yeah. That's fake. That's fine. It's not a big deal. I know you meant. I think you didn't realize what you said. It's a comedy. It's a comedy routine. It's a standup comedy routine. Okay. So it's like my mom. My mom the other day said, I forgot what she said. She said. What did she say? She said. She said, because in the 70s, I think people said queer had nothing to do with sexuality. It meant like weird or something. Yeah. And I said, mom, if you're going to say queer, say to their fucking faces. And then a whole revolution was born. Can you turn you down in mind, but leave me where I am? It's funny. I was going to be thinking the same thing, but you down in mind and me louder. Let's swap headphones. Because you're like an announcement from our overlords in my earbuds. We're earbuds. Maybe go closer. Hello? Is that better? No, you're still too loud. Please, I'm whispering. Oh, I see what you did. And you hear what I, but you didn't hear what I did. I could nosh by Jake Cohen. You have two Jake Cohen books. Our levels are exactly the same. Can you just lower you a little bit? Great. How's this? Are you asking me to suck your dick? Yeah. Right? And we're back. We're back. And so many people are wondering how high is the percentage of cacao going to get? I don't know what I'm saying. Can it not be a hundred? I think you're going to need at least 1% of other stuff. To emulsify? To demulsify. Yeah. Centrifuge. Do you want to go back to having like a conversation with me? Sure. Do you have anything on your mind? Always. What's on your mind that's heavy? Heavy on my mind? Not negative. Just heavy on your mind. Could be negative. Or persistent on my mind. Something that you've been thinking about. Something that's just kicking around up there. Like a moth in the attic. Oh no. What? Is that what you meant? You could make a face where I don't see your eyes, your nose, or your mouth. That's kind of like, that's kind of like a, you know, that thing like, look at that rock. That looks like Pete Holmes. Do that again. But don't move. Yeah. Doesn't he look like a rock kind of? Yeah. Like that rock looks like Pete Holmes. You can't know what he means. A moth in the attic. You ever have a New York based storytelling show in your attic? You see a lot of socks. Sorry. When you said New York, I thought you were going to say bagel. I thought you were going to say bagel. Mmm. Mmm. Sorry. Why are the New York bagels so much better? Two reasons. One. They boil them and the outside is supposed to be chewy. The inside is not just supposed to be bread. Everyone boils them. No. Hmm. And two, it's the water. The tap water. That's what everyone says. For years, everyone was like, New York pizza is better because of the water. And everyone is like, yeah, man. And they just accept it. Yeah. I know. That's the kind of science that bothers me. It's like electric eels. They're not electric. They're not eels. No grapes. No nuts. But go ahead. Well, electric eels are one of those things. Your third grade teacher was like, and there's eels that have an electric current and you're just, you just took it. You just took it. To this day, I thought there were electric eels. There are. Oh, that's my point. Is it my point? No, your point was the opposite. You pointed out that they don't really exist. No, they do exist. And my point isn't about whether or not they exist. They do. My point is that it's preposterous that we just go like, I believe you. Right. I do think it is a shorthand in the evolution and advantage of human nature to understand when to accept something because it's probably versus when to try and know everything for certain. You know, we do it all the time subconsciously. We just, our instincts, when something loud happens, we think it's worth flinching in case we need to be prepared, but you don't necessarily know what it is. So the electric eel is the flinch of the knowing. If somebody said, hey, you, and you didn't know for sure they were wanting to hurt you, you would not, it wouldn't peak your adrenaline, like you need to be able to recognize things as possibilities. And just the possibility is warranted. And with so many possibilities, we just accept them not necessarily as fact. And I think that's where our culture is really losing ourselves. When we know things that we don't really know, but when we think something and that's good enough until it's time to buy it, you know what I'm saying, buy it, like, believe it. Hey, there's a restaurant I'm going to. The food is really good. You'll love it. I don't know that. But like, chances are I'll find it. Or I'll find something on the menu. It's probable. Yeah. So like, I don't need to be like, okay, how do you know? Let me look at the menu first. It's low risk too. But I'm saying it's not even a conscious thought, you know, you might not want to do it. And if you don't want to do it, you might be like, I have to look at the menu and like, you really want to look into it, but I'm saying you can't do that with everything. You can't do that with everything. If you had to ask your teacher, really, really? After every time. She told you in our locates are in cursive is supposed to look like a sale. Well, that's kind of, that's very interesting because I think that's what I'm pointing out is that there's a huge window of time where pranks aren't really fair. I ate a seed that what I'm saying is when you're a kid, you believe most things grownups tell you buddy, do you know how condescending it was to make people think that you didn't believe that they knew where the B was the B when you ate a seed it. I'm being serious. I love that. I love that. We're circling back for this. Do you know where the P is the P you didn't hear about the kid that needed to use the bathroom while we were talking about school, the teacher, like it was a, I don't know, it was Tik Tok or something, but it was going, it was a long time ago, but it was going around. You saw it where there was video where the teacher, the kid asked to use the bathroom, but the teacher said, no, not until you do the alphabet. And the kid said, I really have to go. And like, it was this back and forth. Did you not see this? The kid finally said, fine, A, B, C, D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z. Can I go now? And that you just said, well, where's the P? And he said, running down my pants. Did you just make it up? No. Did you just make all of that up? No. It's an old joke. It's an old joke. Yeah. It's an old joke. I would have preferred the kid. One. Cause in that joke, that kid loses and he's smart. No, that kid just taught the teacher a lesson, which gives him confidence to recognize teacher is a status and a job, but they're not mutually exclusive. But there's P down his leg. He's humiliated. Is he? Cause I poop my pants at PEP, which is a special school I had to go to because they thought I was really bad. Then I went in ninth grade, PEP, positive education program. And I went and I didn't sit down on the toilet because of arachnophobia and I missed the toilet. And I pooped, not, I pooped on my pants, on the outside of my pants. Oh, the worst place to poop. And I had to call my mom. I had to go to the office. I had to call my mom and say, mom, I know that you're, I don't know if you're scared. I'm in this special school. The school didn't know what to do with me and we're worried what's happening. And now I'm saying, Hey, I need, I need something. Could you bring a pair of pants? I pooped in my pants. I'm 13 years old. I pooped on my pants. I'm 13. And I realized something. I realized, Oh wow. I could be really embarrassed. Or. I won't be. Billy Madison. You took a stroll down Billy Madison Avenue. Oh, did you A to C it? Miles Davis. Billy peed his pants. Of course I peed my pants. Nobody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest. If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis. Look, that was condescending to you. You're consistently A to Q-ing it on this show. I don't get it. See? You have to pretend to not understand something. I don't follow. See? It's right in my pants. A, B, yes, D, E, F, G. Why say yes instead of just say D? If you were trying to avoid the C instead of trying to avoid this big old D. Do you remember when people used to- But that was Spanish. You go. No, I didn't go. I was circling back to uncover a misunderstanding. Now that is the sound of the thing of the attic that's a thing that you were talking about. The attic. Uncovered misunderstanding sounds like a show that would be in a New York attic. It's like, oh my God, the moth. You found every card. You found every nugget, every book, every painting, every child. When Rick is closing the library, he looks through the stacks and he sees every detail. It's good. Sometimes on stage, I'll take a nice- Really? Dude. A nice deep one? You abandoned the game that you set up. I did? I thought we were each doing one word. Oh, but I was interested that you take a nice big deep breath. A big one. So you pooped on your pants and your mom didn't come get you, you Billy Masson- No, my mom can't. She came and she brought me a new pair of pants. But what I'm saying is, peeing in your pants, I'm saying, you can look at this, oh, I'm so embarrassed I peed in my pants. But the truth is, I learned something. One, instead of asking permission for things that are my right, I'll set a boundary against it. Which is what I did on the show, famously. I haven't talked about it numerous times. You go to the bathroom when you go to the bathroom. Just go to the bathroom. However, if you surveyed a thousand people and said, is peeing your pants in front of your entire class in middle school- Yes. Embarrassing. Out of context, yes. I'm not saying it's not embarrassing. What I'm saying is there's a choice to recognize all the things that happened in addition to that. If you peed your pants, you would get $10 million. They would probably still be a little embarrassed if people saw them pee their pants. But like, of course, of course they would. Because they've accepted that was okay. When we can accept it's okay, we don't need other people to. When we can't, we need them to be okay with it. So if you could find a way of accepting what you did, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how they feel. And that's the difference between being laughed at and with. It's not their choice if they're laughing at me. It's my choice if I don't see what they think is funny. I'm not saying I have to agree with what they think is funny, but do I understand that? And when you could accept that I pissed my pants because the teacher told me I can't go, the same teacher that's putting the 10 commandments up on the wall and saying slavery didn't exist. Thank you. But anyway, I pissed my pants. Now I learned I need to set a boundary. Yes, I'm embarrassed. Also, hey. You know what, if I went to the bathroom, I would have been afraid that the teacher would have said, oh, I left the class without permission, without a hall pass while I get in trouble. Now, I wonder if the teacher is afraid that because she didn't listen to a child talk about something that was as important as their body, their body, you hear that? Thank you. Why is it that the teacher allowed this 13-year-old child to piss their pants? Now the teacher might be in trouble. You have a little leverage. Next time, not only will it not be an issue, the class might realize it won't be an issue for them either. That's the opposite of a martyr. That's a person who's standing up for themselves. And the worst case scenario is they get embarrassed while other people get to do what they want with their body. I would have loved if some of you fucking cucks weren't so embarrassed to speak up and realize, hey, I do think it's important that women get to do what they want with their body as long as that's what I want too. That's how you voted. Not me, dude. I didn't vote. You know why? Why? I thought that it was something, it was a mail-in thing, but I didn't get the mail-in thing. I sent in the thing, and then it wasn't registered in time or something, and I could have, and I didn't. You didn't vote in the most recent presidential election? I did, I usually vote everything, but yes, the most recent presidential election. I was on the road, and I didn't get the thing, and I, yeah, I didn't. So I'm part of the problem. You voted in the election a few days ago? What's that? Yeah. I voted for the country singer. What are you talking about? Me? Yeah. There was an important election a few days ago. Yeah, man, it already ended, though. I'm talking about American Idol. Yeah. When you think of American Idol, my wife and I play a game, and I think you're going to love it. Why didn't your wife come? Do you need to understand how to pleasure her better? Nice. Hey, man, I didn't mean that. Wait, wait, wait. Is this how Ethan Hawke smiles? I don't know. Before I laughed. You tell me. Well, we could have frozen it. Is that Ethan Hawke? Training day. With Equalizer? Baby, you're in the office. And then I'm Ethan Hawke. And I'm like. Tell me about your wife. You got me. Tell me about your wife and what you guys are saying. My wife said voting American Idol. We play a game called First Flashes. And what I say, do you want to watch, and I'll say a certain movie. You tell me what images you're seeing. Even if it's unrelated to the movie. Because it could be, I mean, to you, it could be like, when you say Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I'll think about the girl that I saw it with for the first time. That's totally valid and way to make this three-dimensional chess, because I'm into it. It doesn't have to be a movie, but we'll start with movies. Do you want to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Tell me all the images you're seeing when you're figuring out if you want to watch it. Yeah, I'm thinking about the garage when he's putting the car in reverse to lower the miles. Right. Is that the first one? I think about how I saw Ben Stein as one of the first celebrities when I moved to town. Oh, wow. I'm thinking of Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago. I'll watch it if you want. I'd like to see what else we could, like, can we look at other options? That's interesting. I'm in the shower and he's making the mohawk and washing his dick. Yeah, that's because you're in the shampoo business. There's a lot of stuff built into it. Modern mammals. Modern mammals. I have a sample here for you if you want it. You work with modern mammals? But I mean, who has more modern mammals than me? Yeah. I put this shit on my hot dogs and its hair looks fantastic. You gave that to me when I did your podcast. Oh, yeah. I haven't used it yet. No, I haven't showered. I feel like when you shower, all people smell the same. Oh shit, somebody's standing up for you. Somebody's standing up. Why didn't she come here? You said she wanted her to come or she wanted to come. Well, it's a whole for-fuffle. My daughter is on a camping trip. Yeah. I didn't want either of us to come, but then- Then she wouldn't have been born. Oh, trust me. Valerie did not come. The flames of hell behind me. Yeah. You know that for real? What? That she didn't have an orgasm when you conceived your daughter. Actually, no, because did you know having an orgasm as a female increases your chance? It helps dilate the vessels to make them more flexible. I see what you're saying. And I'm saying you don't need to do that. It's actually confusing. I'll concede that point. And it's manipulative. Well, it is. You've been. And if I may offer something to you. I'm being. You've been very manipulative. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my job. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't believe it? No, I was joking. I don't think you're being manipulative. This is like, I'm going to light the fireplace. Never mind. Goes up into the office. Let's start. All right, we can keep. I'm keeping in some of everything that happened before this. Only a smidge. Okay, smidge and the thing you're not supposed to say. Midget? That's the closest thing to smidge. That's what you were thinking, right? The smidget. Which is a small widget. I can't believe you knew what I meant. Hey. I'm not going to say what derogatory term I'm saying, but let's just say what first flashes into your mind when I say smidge. I didn't say derogatory. Yeah, but you said the thing you shouldn't say. But I didn't say derogatory. That's a bigger clue than the thing we shouldn't say. So take more credit. Give me a first flashes. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The movie? 1986? Sure. Is that when it came out? Don't worry about it. I'm going to do one. I'm also going to do a meter that is, I want to watch it. I want to watch it, and I don't want to watch it. Okay. I see the Shredder outfit, the original Shredder outfit. I see Splinter, and he looks weird. April, and she's not curvy. Casey Jones, and he's kind of scary. I don't want to watch that shit. Interesting, because my meter, maybe it's, I don't think it's bad, but my meter kind of like stays like this until it moves a little. It's not just doing this all the time. And I'm wondering what's going on with that. It's just very sensitive. It's sensitive to all the, like the breaths in the room. It's like an e-meter in Scientology. You've never been audited? Well, my last three girlfriends were from online, so technically I did e-meter each time. I need. But with that comes some of the lawyer jargon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. And let me be very. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Sandman. We got to keep the quiet. I got to keep, sometimes you don't have to say every thought that comes in your head. It's harder when you're high. But we do. Paul Thomas Henderson. I'm just going to say some stuff. Ready? Frosted Flakes. Well, I'm picturing, I'm picturing there's just a bowl of the cereal and I would love it. Oh, we're not playing first flashes. I just, I'm just, I'm just, you're a tornado and I have a. Thank you. A good tornado. Yeah, a good tornado. Yeah, but I. You're tearing everything up and scaring people. But like it's. Killing livestock. Kind of putting them. In a tree, you know, stuff like that. I'm going to write just a topic on a tennis ball and throw it in. You do with it what you will. All right, let me see if I can guess it. Okay. I'm not going to change it. Really write it though. Like actually write it. I did. Do it again. Sorry. Paul Thomas Anderson in bed. Wow. It was Vince Vaughn. Sometimes I'll be on stage and I'll look in the audience. Somebody once told me the world's going to roll me. It's Vince Vaughn doing Smash Mouth. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. So I was looking kind of dumb with a finger and a thumb. Shave of a nail on the forehead. So this is it. I don't know. Like I've seen like impressions aren't really good at this point. Like my, oh, I know, you know, thanks to the internet. Just thanks to my friends. Thanks to your great friends. Like it doesn't even have to sound just like it, but it has to be something like you're Trump. I can listen to the whole time. Great friends. Yeah. You're Vince Vaughn. I wasn't. No, I know. I can't quite find it. And I've heard, I've heard you do lots of like, that's a skillset of yours. That one wasn't it. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I also heard it. I can't do it. Your money, baby. You're so money. Oh, your money, baby. Your money, baby. Hey, your money, baby. No, no. Your money, baby. Yes. Yes. Okay. Ready? Yeah. The original Boba Fett toy where the rocket did shoot out. Buddy, I'm 29 years old. I told you everything you need to know. It seems like when you said the original, there's a certain thing I have to picture that I don't know if I could picture. Picture Boba Fett. Okay. He's got a rocket on his back, right? Yeah. Looks a little bit like a dog dick. Well, yeah. He's got a missile, a red missile. In the original release of the Boba Fett toy, it shot out. But guess what? A couple of kids got it right in the eye. Maybe even in the dick hole. I don't know. Am I saying I don't know? That Boba Fett one, the one that shoots the dick hole. I'm just imagining being a woman and going out on a first date. With either of us right now, I'm looking at you and you would be looking at me. Yes. And just like, just being like me being afraid that like, you know, just you could hurt me. Oh my God. I did not see that. Yeah. Do you not speak to a lot of women about how scared they are in their everyday lives? Yeah. They are. They are. Is that, do we say that? What do you mean? It's different when we say that. Why so? I don't, I'm asking. I feel like, I feel, I feel that this needs to be yelled from the rooftops. Oh, okay. It's noble to share this. I think that I have awareness of this. I think a lot of men who probably don't even mean any harm, nor will cause any, don't realize the fear they may put on somebody just from being in an environment that they're not acknowledging. I like what you're doing. I see who you're doing it with. It's me. If I am walking down to my car and there's an alleyway and there's another, there's a woman going from far away because even talking to somebody. It could be threatening situation. I flashlight, I'm coming to my car. I mean, no harm. If it would make you feel more comfortable, I'll wait here until you get into your car. I do that. But I put the flashlight under my chin. I go, you have my golden arm. That's how I make them feel safe with a bit. You don't really do that though. I've done it. Not necessarily that big, but yeah, I have like when I've seen, like when I'm walking and somebody is like, like, uh, like kind of like going like that, uh, uh, or even if I don't know if they are. Like even just walking my dog, sometimes when I'm walking and, and, uh, uh, I will make sure I usually try to have a flashlight, but I don't always, but I'll put a light on and I'll put a light on me and the dog. Just like, almost like I'm looking what's going on and it lets them see, oh, there's somebody walking a dog. That's nice. That's a plus. Great job. I'm not even. Alvin disagrees because whenever I ask him how he feels about it, he's all he says is it's rough. And he's always asking to watch out. It's a little like ARF, ARF, but in, in Asia, ALF, but I said rough, don't say, don't say, did you know in Asia, they called ALF ARF. Oh, I won't, but that's funny. And I thought of it. You can have it. Old PD is not getting taken down for a lazy, lazy LR. LR joke. Like a stereo audio. Bro. Bro. We can be guys. There's no way you really like these jokes. Yes, I loved it. There are too many jokes that I said. A balance joke. A balance knob joke. BNJ. BKJ, but that's because I thought knob was with an N. DSWM. Don't start with me. B, baby. Sometimes I don't know how to spell something so bad. DK. Let me tell you. HTS. Let me tell you. Please, please. I forgot. SB. I forgot. Sorry. I'm sorry. I thought I was helping. Not you, but something. Somebody who was trying to forget certain letters. Tell me something. If we swapped bodies for real, for real, it happened. I'm in your body. You're in my body. You're going to live in my body for one month. Okay. Tell me just body stuff, not life stuff. I know life stuff already. Body stuff. I have to think about it. If you want me to start with the life stuff. No, I want you to start with body stuff. All right. I pee sitting down. No. No. Why do you think I'm a fucking simple person? Of course, I pee sitting down. I'm saying I would do it. It's the king's delight. I'm saying so I don't have to hold your penis. Oh, I see. You're saying you don't want to hold my dick. I like peeing sitting down. No, life stuff. I would have 30 shows in 30 days at Largo. And I would tell him, trust me, this is going to be great. You're going to life situation. I already told you. The pee and the penis. The peeing sitting down is an activity. I want to know something about your. Let me give you an example. I have a birthmark on my left arm. If you leave it unattended, a huge hair grows out of it. You got to shave it. Not shaving it. Not even looking at it. This is an interesting way to take this game. I just want to learn about your body. I think it's lonely that we have these bodies and we don't talk about the weird stuff. I liked how I felt when I told you, about my long ass arm hair. - Oh, interesting. because to me it seemed like you're ashamed of it and you're putting a bit on that otherwise why would you cut the hair it looks gross right and that's not a judgment it is a judgment is that not attached to shame of course it's attached to so what i'm saying is what are you new to the judgment zone so if you love it so much love what your body you're never your arm i've never said didn't he just say i'm pretty sure you just said it no swipe to it i have a birthmark on my left arm if you leave it unattended a huge hair grows out of it you gotta shave it not shaving it not even looking at it i think it's lonely that we have these bodies and we don't talk about the weird stuff do you think you could do peter stars guard he's got a very very unique unique you know i'm talking about is that the guy who who's the one of the brothers did you watch dtf st louis no but i'd like to so good and he's in it and he's great in that peter stars guard slide into my dms man i don't know what people say scars guard peter starch stars guard stellan's son have you ever used maderma i did uh because that's a very good guard scar then you look what is that look what is that look in japan on the balance knob it says lr is that like swap stop laughing at that was that good tired acting it was good i thought you were tired i went to my man no not at all i just went to my man no i'm not sorry i think the first sneeze yon actually did make me tired i believe it psych wasn't tired that time either that was fucking 10 out of 10 10 out of 10 no no you fucking stop it oh i hate when you lose it that was that looking at a sneeze i knew what you were doing but i loved it you come on isn't that good but you're not but you're not doing that on self tapes sorry why can't we make sure you know what if it said if it said uh uh uh brian 29 years old the type of guy that always has to sneeze but never does yeah then i would be able to do that in the scene y'all have a squatter somebody sent me y'all have a squatter oh it's like a rat thing at our house gross i have like a a birthmark on my ass that looks like a shit stain when you look at it in the mirror just for a second you might be like i'm not gonna all i'm gonna do is pee sitting down and perform at largo every month and do the most racist material but not in a bad way you've made a very powerful friend today you made a very powerful friend today thanks man you know you can get up to two thousand dollars in cash back with him that's too funny it's too funny that he's right here when do you feel your funniest what percentage is he really here because that photo is here i don't know what when do you feel you're funny funniest like uh not necessarily you are your funniest i feel i'm funniest yeah you are hungry dude good do you want me to get you a sandwich or something could it stand up or funny funny though but i'm those i mean those two things help each other but being funny and doing stand-up is like there's a comparison to be made but i don't know what it is okay it's like loving tires or being good at riding a unicycle or it's like loving tires or preferring shane stand-up would be more closely related because what is this riff he has a show called tires you've done this every episode he actually hasn't but i kind of know how his brain works it's interesting i think more so as you know of the show tires so the connection i mentioned the show tires today is that one word um what i'm asking is when you feel you're funniest it could be on stage no i definitely think i'm my funniest i i know it's kind of weird to say this because i don't know if i'm being funny that's real but when i'm with valerie my bride and i'm baked i don't either she's faking the best hardest laughter i've ever seen in my life or i'm really funny with her so uh to boil that down into some of the information i was looking for and how you could like produce this what i'm going to take from that is uh zooming out a little you feel your funniest when people when you when there are certain people that see you that way like when you can make somebody that you love and admire and respect and whatever it might be because i'm sure there's other people that you feel in different ways those feelings toward but this is the person if when i get valerie to laugh whatever that means to you in addition to all the little things but valerie is your partner the person that helps you whatever those things might be yes making her laugh that that means i'm funny no no no i do mean this in a good way but i don't know see how not like because i connect with that there's certain people and i make them laugh that makes me feel a certain type of funny oh i know what you mean so i mean i'm saying like like scientifically when i see val laughing but there's also kind of like if you were laughing really hard everything i said i'd be like then i'd just be like i'm really funny when i'm stoned but val laughs so much at my not that funny stuff that she gets the really funny stuff there is a big difference between when you are your funniest which is subjective and who is who's the audience yes versus when you feel the funniest that's what i that's why i'm very specific you feeling the funniest because when you feel funny even if these people disagree you're still in the pocket of that thing because you're not concerned what other people are thinking because like i said earlier you feel you accept it i'm funny you're funny yeah i had to pee my pants it's after a very tense situation has lifted do you know what i mean so that's separate thing from making val laugh well i thought you didn't like that answer there's a disconnect here i love that answer i was trying to figure out how to word it in a way that makes sense to me that you would agree with i'm being sincere and i'm over here like tim allen well uh a little confident like tim allen does more than what you just did this past minute i've seen his work and this is where you would make a joke i think tim allen is great i think tim allen is great i think tim allen is great i mean i loved home improvement and the santa claus movies i that's my tell i've never seen santa claus movies i do i i don't know if i've seen any of the sequels or the squeak walls but i have seen the original santa claus is that are you saying the when you say squeak walls you're referring to alvin and the chipmunks the squeak wall oh oh smidge i mean smidge is a squeak wall is a smidge away from that sometimes when people ask if i want a ginger ale i say ginge just a smidge of the ginge do you know what i mean yeah we're both did you really hold on i want to ask something do you know what i mean i want to talk to you for a second do you know what i mean if you don't that's okay because you're not supposed to call redheads gingers no not at all so not even a little bit so far away from it that that uh uh i'm angry um not that what i was saying was a value but i was saying a ginge or al as if i have two choices you could have ginge or al not the best joke in the world no but you didn't know that and when i said it you were doing something else and i'm like hold on i want to do the ginger ale thing i'll have ginge or ale one's alcoholic i like that making valerie make when you make her laugh that you feel that way because the feeling of feeling funny being funny offers other people a good feeling feeling funny offers you a good feeling do you do that do you understand the difference i just feel like i walked into like some career fair all right i'm like oh no but it was like a child so it wasn't a career fair it was like take your dad to work but the kid was gonna explain what his dad does so just to be clear this thing that i i'm being sincere about and genuinely want to talk about and i've tried multiple times you're saying it's like a career fair but not even that it's like a baby doing it in a good way that's your episode name in a good way yeah i you don't have to take that you got you got a great team here thinking an episode name's thinking of thumbnails you know? Yeah. Right. Yes. When I feel sensitive, I like to check in. I just felt a little sensitive. About what? About me wanting to talk about something seriously and trying a couple of times, but also you bring to my attention the truth of me being like, I'm a lawyer and it doesn't feel good for you. Oh no. I, I, if you'll remember. No, you said it. You called me a s**t too. Listen, I think I like what you're saying. I feel the funniest when I make Valerie laugh. It's really. Oh, what'd you think I was going to do? You're a lot of fun at the movies. You know that? Have you ever done that thing? You put your penis in the bottom of the popcorn and then you offer somebody popcorn and they say, I don't want it. And you go, but my dick is under the popcorn. And then they go, Oh, the butter, H J B H J the butter job. I used to have a joke where I would say I was dating this girl. She was a butter face. Her body was incredible, but she had butter all over her face. Pretty. I mean, I love it. That was my, one of my first, that was before I even moved to Los Angeles. That was one of the jokes. It reminds me of a joke. I had early on where I go, uh, so bad. I go, my name is Pete. Some of you might recognize me. Some of you might be cognizing me for the very first time. I don't get it, but that's my fault. I don't know what cognizing means, but you know, the word recognizing. Yeah. Now write it in your mind. Look at it. Look at it like a word. Recognizing. Re. Re. Cognizing. Cognizing. Like to do again. Oh, so not, re-cognizing, but just cognizing. Re, what? Like not like just fried beans, not refried beans. I might like just regular fried beans and maybe we're adding a step. Mitch Hedberg. I like rice when I'm in the mood for a thousand or something. Mitch Hedberg. Hey, uh, I, my name's supposed to be on the list. It's Mitch Hedberg. Mitch Hedberg. Probably. It's just. Name three celebrities more important than Maya Angelou. Harriet Tubman. Three what? Celebrities, right? Harriet Tubman. You know, I wouldn't call Harriet Tubman a celebrity, unfortunately, but. That's, you're just killing it. Killing life. How do you let people know you're down with Harriet Tubman? What? You just. You just did. Well, it's the truth. I didn't doubt it for a second. Did you ever buy something off of a, as seen on TV? Like you saw like an ad for something when you were a kid or under 20? Why don't you tell me your story about it? Cause I don't, can't think of anything, but I know you have. Do you resent that I hadn't, I find a good conversation technique is maybe. I was, I don't resent it, but I also, I, I meant everything I just said. I don't have a story about that. I know you do. Instead of me like trying to think about it and having, having it go like this for a little bit. Oh, you know what? Actually there was this blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I would rather defer to you to hear that. And maybe it would inspire something. Maybe not. I meant it very literally. Or as I prefer to say, if people believe me, just literally. Yeah. You don't need the very. You do. You being the person opposite me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. It's, it's, it's giving exclamation points and texting to let them think that you're in a good mood. Well, you know, it's a fine line. Rick is when you do ask a question. Nope. I was just looking for those eyes when you do ask a question and you know, the answer to it, like which. This is your manipulation tactic. That's what I'm wondering. I do think of it that way. Okay. I guess we've jumped to the answer. Is that like self-centered or manipulative or is it just good conversation technique? Cause when it does come back to me, I'll, I'll have thought about it. The truth is, and that is where it's based on the intention. And I don't think manipulation is necessarily a bad thing. I think it has bad PR. If you're manipulating someone without their understanding, that's where it's a bad thing. But the literal term of manipulation. Magic. Yeah. Food. Comedy. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, foreplay for the first time, or I guess you could just say erst time. That's not first time where you can say erst time. Yeah. Do you know how to, do you know how to, you know what first is right? F I R S T. Now remove the first two, remove the first letter. F. Right. Erst. Why? Can I tell you why? If you really don't know why? Yeah. Because you said, why? I said recognize, but it's their first time. So there's no re, it's just the cognize. And I'm saying first, but it's since it's not the first, since it's the first, and you haven't done it before, it says it's not the first, you can get rid of the F and first to make it erst. First base. Robert Durst. Does that make sense? I walked through the house and now I smell like it, but I can't say I've lived there. Question for you. When you say you smell like the house and now you're in this house, are you saying that houses have a different sense of smell, even if there's this different dogs in there? This house has no smell. Last time I was stoned, I made Val laugh with this. I went aroma. No, I went, sorry, you need this. I went, some words need to settle down. Aroma, bitch, you a smell. She laughed at that. Yeah, I would love that. I liked it. I would have loved that if I were there. I mean, like, seriously, calm down. Aroma. Yeah. Aroma. You mean this is of or pertaining to Rome? Wait, wasn't that this conversation that we talked about? Like people that use certain words. It's a bit of braggadocio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Requeath. Requeuse. Yeah. I feel that word about something that you suggested earlier. If people say, when people say superfluous. You got to give us, you got to just throw a word out and it rings on go for an hour straight. Superfluous. What? Superfluous. I don't know what that means. You said you've never played swing sports? No. Batter up. You strike me as a good-ass batter. Yeah. I once learned a word that doesn't matter. Uh-huh. Superfluous is what it means. I learned that in 10th grade drama class in a script. You heard me? I heard you. Sit, zap, zap. Sit, zap, zap. Drama teacher stop. I'm asking, try to learn these words. I got dictionary.com sending me verbs. Every week I get an email with a new ass word. I would read it, I'd forget it, and I would never learn these verbs. So I thought, instead of having a big-ass vocab, it's a perfluous. Yeah, yeah. In theater class, I ain't know the words. Adjectives, nouns, or verbs. I ain't know none of that. Till this day, I don't know none of that. I don't read books, bro. I don't do none of that. I ain't being alone in my zone. Leave me alone with my little vocab. I have. I agree. I have certain words. Platitude is one of them. I know that's just some platitude. I'm like, yeah, I also saw that David Foster Wallace YouTube. But you know what I didn't do? Shoplift five-cent vocab from that beautiful bandana. Son of a bitch. Yeah, I think of the word platitude from learning about that word in therapy and something that I felt like judgment towards. Sometimes. Platitude? Platitudes. So I don't think of it as that kind of word, but I get what you're saying. I know what you mean. It's like when I ask somebody, if somebody asks how I'm doing and I say good, because they asked me. And if I asked them first and they said, well, fine. But when I said good and we've established this is what we're using. And then you go, I'm well, it does make them think like they're trying to one up me. That's how I feel about forgive us our trespasses or forgive us our debts. If you're laughing, you're going to heaven. I don't get it. Sorry. Yes. There's two versions of the Lord's Prayer. And if you go to a new church, there's a lot of tension. Which one are they going to use? Because you do it out loud. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us. Now, some churches say our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. But some churches, and you never know which one it is till you're already in the dance. You go and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. The vine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. there's a john d second prayer most people don't know about the new testament yeah yeah yeah hey god hey what help shit not go too fucked up today okay do you hear what i say yeah way didn't you say that earlier when you were dictating in your phone how supplements get in the pills and they said which type of protein did you say way and then you said that yeah he did say way in that brother's world wayne's world thank you way way w-h-e-y's wayne's so many motherfuckers out there eating protein like it's wayne's world out there bitch you a smell hey aroma also i think avocado could calm down what are you what are you a pear made of fat what are you a pear that that fucking you know what i mean yeah made of fat did you know that pears uh they are always come to on the vine on the on the stem together and that's where they get their name pear yeah because they come up and they're each day when you pull it it's kind of like uh those ice cream cones you were talking about wow joey lawrence didn't get the job we watched a joey lawrence video last night i mean wow you've been watching us you've been taking a peek you've been watching us it's that moment when you realize you shouldn't have agreed to go to your friend's wait is that because that's what the musical is or is that you in the audience singing yeah it's what the musical is got it it's like the first number and they're like they've been while you get it it's that song and you're like oh no it shouldn't have come i know i'm very high but why would you ever why would you ever begrudge a man such a lovely laugh this dog it's an important dog good that we're laughing together i haven't been laughing enough for you tonight that's not right oh okay but that is true of anyone i'm hanging out most like sometimes you never you're saying you always want more laughs than you're getting i i can murder and i'm like they were fine if and i sometimes say to crowds i go if you could hear how i think this joke should be doing you'd you'd think i was insane and this is part of the conversation that i wanted to have with you about feeling funny brought it back well like a bad mcrib i brought it back he didn't really bring it back it's just like no like the mcrib it's back yeah and like the mcrib it's gonna leave again in a second unless we talk about it it's manufactured what is that scarcity hello i'm right pete pete pete i'm right here cowabunga dude totally rad dude awesome uh clearly too old to be playing high school but still trying it's my audition see you love a good ce that's what makes you laugh that's why you're beautiful what's that see how you still act up okay six seven was that a thing uh it is when when can i say it on millionaire i said respuesta final did they accept it no and i know they didn't even though i don't know what you're saying because you brought it up twice do you know what i'm saying no say it again it's all right it was from a while ago i was on who wants to be a millionaire as a celebrity version uh-huh you say uh-huh but it's in quotes dude if people didn't know who's pete holmes pete holmes you don't know pete holmes he's the guy that just thinks everybody should know who he is what are you talking about watch this clip and it's just i was on uh who wants to be a millionaire the celebrity version uh-huh i would laugh so hard even if i didn't know who the person was yeah just the choice of it uh-huh is very funny i'm saying i'm adding context because i love writing and i'm adding content to the internet that was doing fine we are out of time that's not on the podcast that's on the game show okay i was on who wants to be a millionaire i said the answer and then i said respuesta final final answer count that it means final answer in spanish do you think they said did it count did did the answer lock in yes yes is right good respuesta so when you say say spietta uh say say siete say siete siete i would have said i think i'm saying if if my friend asks me what type of tortillas i would like for the burritos i'm making say siete yes say siete when you go to the grocery store and they and they're asking what burritos you want will you say siete seven siete is the name of a of a brand that i think coca-cola bought recently but they have good gluten-free burrito uh tortilla shells and they'd make really good uh chips with avocado oil take it down avocado you just a fat pear rick take it down avocado could you say that in dead seriousness that's your bit man and you should make into a shirt i'm talking about you telling you the truth i'm making shirts and i made so many the other day that boy are my arms tired you're great you know man people don't think about the two guys that have to hold up the broomstick for the early parts of the limbo game but i did that boy are my arms tired do you want more water i think i'm okay whenever you're whenever you're drinking you're thinking like how much do i want to drink and how much do i want to not have to pee these are the abcs of every day or as you would say a to c i'll stand by when i a to c that it it was okay to mention i was saying that because the b is running down my pants butt juice don't trust the b and the the panera pants 23 yeah man remember back in the day when shows kept coming out and then people would watch shows and now and now people don't want to watch shows anymore because they're too busy living in their internet reality you're living in your internet reality you're living in your first date what we're on a first date i'm the i'm the girl and you're doing this we're just sitting there i'm sorry are you i can't hear you i don't know if you're talking if you're making a joke or something settle down i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that pair no settle down avocado you just a pair made of fat excuse me this is like everything everywhere all at once where i'm not on a podcast anymore i'm on a date that's how real this is wow you're still good i'm sorry no i'm sorry i just i think maybe you're making a joke i just don't understand um and i love to make jokes i don't want to ask not to but maybe like you can tell me where you're from like a little about you holy god just really i'm not trying to end it i'm just letting you know that this is the part you were born to play rick moranis the dad in honey i shrunk the kids um could you give me one second i'm getting a phone call yeah you would leave here this is what a crazy person would say yeah you would leave here this is what you would do rick yeah yeah yeah i just got home from combat training yeah okay cool it was good that's what's up that's what's up i miss you i can't wait to see you i miss you too yeah yeah yeah you in uber right now uh yeah a date i call the movers oh yeah so then you head over to my place to meet me right yes on my way all right sounds good sounds good okay all right well uh i see your location now so all right okay i'm tracking you i know exactly when you get here okay cool can we yeah can we get him i see the name of the driver and everything like that too so like i said i know when you get here i know all the information so when you pull up i'll meet you outside out front all right okay see you i'll see you soon all right see you soon love you oh and he's emotionally available huh what did you try about that thing i don't know what you're talking about i don't know what you're talking about that did you invent an app that is your fake boyfriend that's dragging your uber no this is like a thing that like this goes around that people post like like uh people online uh they go like there's some accounts where they're like um they're really they're i think they're selling protecting women and in a way that i some of these accounts i don't really trust them you know i they're they're they're they're calling they're calling the hens to the house and saying look at all organic and then once the hens are there i think they might close the fence so something a little creepy about some of these people not that guy and not necessarily all of them But there's some where they're like, where they're like, do stuff where they're like, like, hey, ladies, like, I can give you an analogy. Okay. Have you seen the accounts for dads for kids that don't have dads or something? No. They're like, they're going to teach you how to screw in a light bulb or at least how many blonds it would take to do it. Two, one to screw in the light bulb and one to suck my dick. That's not my brand of comedy. I'm just saying that kind of stuff is out there. Like, those are what those jokes are. You know what I'm talking about? Like, they're like, yeah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, oh, but I just want to acknowledge its existence. And I only say it as a character. But yeah, that's like, oh, this is how, like, like you change a tire. I understand that you might not have a father. And it's important that, you know, like to be a male role model for people. Some guys are that to be to protect women. Like when I see a woman going on the alleyway, I shine a light on me from above. And I say, show me your tits. I'm joking with you. If that's cool, I'll come talk. If not, I'm joking. I'll leave you. I'll stay back here. If you don't like that one, you're not going to like this friendship slash relationship. Yes. So let's just get it out of the way. I do think that is a proper gauge of compatibility. Some things like that. I actually talk about my act that if people don't think farting is funny, I don't think I'm compatible with them. Oh, that's interesting. But you know who thinks farting is funny? Everybody. Who is honest about it? Almost nobody. I think most people. I think most people. I think most people who think farting is funny feel fine admitting farting is funny. And the people that don't think farting is funny are usually women who have a competitive relationship with their moms. Wow. Mom, you think you think fewer things are funny than I do? Not that kind of competition. When mothers and daughters are in a competitive relationship, it's usually about unfortunately looks. And when you're selling the micromachines, how many a day do you usually move? 30. Same, man. You've got like a fast disposition. Oh, is that my doing a thing again? I'm not mad about it. I don't remember their names, but it was a white guy and a blonde girl and mad about you. What are their names? What am I doing? What am I doing? That was that. Oh, I was just saying. What am I doing? I'm just saying you got one of those fast voices. Oh, slow down. Thank you. It's like you swallowed the flash. It's like you. What are fast things? You know, I talked to you earlier about my late uncle, Paul DeMeo, who wrote The Rocketeer. He also wrote the TV show with his writing partner, Danny, The Flash. Oh, yeah? Yeah. He was doing superhero stuff before. Why is this semester? Because of Austin Powers. I really think it's the only reason. Probably that's from James Bond then. Yeah, some James Bond. James Bond stuff. Yeah. But I think it's like. That was a weird sound. Yeah, it was weird. Yeah, it sounds like. It was like an epiglottal. You think saying epiglottal is okay, but saying avocado isn't? Hey, epiglottal, calm down. You a fat pair of tits. Either way. Can you say tits on YouTube? As long as your intention is good. I'm just a tit saying. Man, whose intentions are good. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, Lord, please don't let me. A to C misunderstood. You got a lot of surprises. Here. Say it's for a million dollars and go, can Rick Glassman make his pectorals dance through a T-shirt? I would have maybe been. I would have almost definitely been like, not just no. Let's help the internet make gifts. There's a lot of, there's like areas that aren't covered. Okay. There's a lot of like, what? Or like, I need gifts that are like, you want to watch Princess Bride? Yes, but not now. Yes, but not now is a good gift. Do it again. Clean. Yeah, but not now. With the subs, it's a hit. Yeah, but not now. Do we need this one? Audio on. Sound on. You checking that time? No, I didn't realize it was face up and I got a text, so I put it face down. Do you have your phone set up so the screen's always on? No, I didn't even know the thing. Wouldn't that drain the battery? I mean, they say it doesn't. They say, my grandma always says they say, my dad always goes, who's they? Because she heard something. Somewhere. She goes, they say that, you know, he's really not a nice guy. Who's they? Who's they? Who's they productions? Hmm? Good name for your production company. Yeah. Or a show that you would have in your attic in New York. Oh, moth. Moth attic. Who's they? Who's they? Who's they? Who's they is a moth. It's a show you have in your attic. Who's they? It's a different show. Oh, it's like, it's like the show, all that, the Nickelodeon show, all that, it's like the Nickelodeon show. All that. Yeah. It kind of binds us all together. Well, not necessarily a woman, but a man. Duh. Wow. Joey Lawrence. You know what? I always picture when you make a great joke. So that means like 50 times this, this time, a room full of people saying this guy's so annoying. Wow. Joey Lawrence. I find it funny. I find it significant that that was your guess. Yeah. At least you found it. I guess you are a champion of mine. I am. Because most people don't even see me. I'm Rick Glassman champion edition. Wow. Really? I was just thinking about something funny I said earlier. Champion edition. It would be black with gold letters. I don't see black with gold letters. Oh, and then you haven't seen that cool Domino's box. Have you not seen that new Domino's box? I've seen it. I see it online sometimes. Have you ordered it and got one of those? Yeah. What is it? If it's the black box, it's free. It's just this black with gold lettering. It's very like royal looking. It's like this is limited a dish. This is collector's a dish. It's the only pizza that would survive a plane crash. Black box. Or it's the only pizza you could have a cool artsy theater show in. Black box. My man. Black box. Bird box. Birds the word. Does the song the birds the word have a secret meaning? Like it was it like, oh, it's just a silly song. And then it's like actually birds the word meant do you have any pills? Or like it was a code to get into a speakeasy? Like, does it mean something? Yes. It was about heroin. What were they used to do? They were like, oh, I'm going to have a pill. I'm going to have a pill. jeremy renner jeremy renner porn legacy oh yeah i think it's my favorite one i love it and i like the other ones we have similar taste in movies and women you like val she'd be thrilled she loves your show you should have her a little too much you should ever come on she'd be great she'd be in the sona kind of category very funny and a great laugher i put women in three categories funny great laugher funny not great laugher great laugher not funny there is no fourth category i didn't think of those two as women or two bar two's two do you remember those commercials for a and w you know nate bartuzzi i don't think so do i no who is it oh it was a nate bargatze joke bargatze yatze die snake eyes nick cage oners birdman we're back oh that was fucking weird right it means everybody's talking about it was nick cage and birdman that was michael keaton what i say nick cage is in snake eyes but how did we get from oners but how do we get from birdman die roll the die didn't i yeah and then you went snake eyes that's when you roll two no i understand nick cage and then how do we get the birdman oners oh we're the movie snake eyes features a famously it's like a 15 minute oner it's the beginning of the movie got the best part and birdman also has a lot of oners got it didn't get it now i get it papa johns better bits better referees a referee or l right referee or l referral gingery there's a gingery over there do you think if you were to remake sex in the city today a society would allow it oh honey last time i got a brazil wax he went all the way to my brazil nuts and just like that pete holmes does his samantha honey i got a brazil wax i might as well see his brazil nuts that's way closer that's the formula that's right in the pocket i mean she's she got a wax she's disappointed her brazil boyfriend didn't have sex with her so he complains she complains i got a brazil wax but i didn't get to see his brazil honey he didn't dip his whole toe in he dipped in the whole thing his toe toe in i don't know just like that kind of stuff too she does yeah yeah he didn't finger me so much as my vagina tried to eat yeah oh the other one more but yeah like that's like if that was the only crayon we had that was closest to peach yeah and i was drawing me peach you a sexy ass apple man you a sexy ass apple uh uh charlotte is upset that that uh her our her husband is uh uh leaving his just tea bags everywhere just putting it everywhere and she's talking she's talking about it to everybody he goes i just lose a tea bag everywhere and uh and and she goes his balls and she goes no i'm talking about the tea bag oh i thought you were talking about his balls and then how about miranda's like i don't oh because you dip it in and i'll tell you something like when i pitch that it's like oh that doesn't sound like that would be a great show but for whatever reason it's such a great show i love sex in the city i'm in season six i'm re-watching it for my fourth or fifth time right now is that redundant they're dad true i mean it's true yes if you if i put it on you'll see right now if you don't believe me that tv says that tv says something to me i'm a girl you live here right i don't have a little dick why you don't live here though this is just your studio um then i'm okay with it if that's in your house i don't know if you get to meet my parents that's what i call my tits i know mom and dad and you want to get granny in the mix that's my pussy you got like what's going on with the nariz that means uh true nose very good i don't know you're doing a sniff that's like like a like a bad audition it feels like there's bubbles from this in my nose huh thanks dude thanks dude we do have to wrap it up soon because i have a um uh i want to go inside of you you're doing inside of you is the moth in the attic no it's a podcast hosted by my friend i'm blanking on his name i'm gonna have another little hit it's a 30 minute uber back to my hotel i might as well be very stoned some of that sparkling water you're okay that i was drinking out of it yeah there's such a fucking cool guy you're a man you're a mitch mr grinch you're the oceans of the apple eyes the pilgrims of the feast i wouldn't get you a gift that i secretly wanted for myself because i don't like you to not trust myself to not steal it back when you sleep but i don't know Like other great stuff. With a hundred foot pole. Watch this. Hold on. Watch this. You smell. With a hundred, with a hundred foot pole. Really? Listen to this. Yeah, yeah. Pole. Pole. With a hundred, with a, with a hundred, with a hundred foot pole. We're on a double date with two, two, two friends. You know, they don't, there's a one friend, you know, you get it, you know, and you know what they're doing? They're going like this. Rub the nips. Rub the nips. You know those. I wouldn't take you to a matinee of a movie. Wait. I would only take you to matinees if we went to the movies, because if it's a stinker with you, at least I can win it back. I don't get it. I'm doing other cringe things. Oh. Like he's awful. If I called you an Uber, it would be an Uber pole. Pole. Pole. Pole. Uber foot pole. Uber foot pole. It's so fucking funny. I didn't know they gave out awards for podcasts. Which is like a roast. Which I mean in a nice way. I'm just saying like that. It's a good thing that you got them. No, you did get them. Uh-oh. I have a show in 45 minutes at the comedy store. The store, the place where they sell comedy. I never thought about this, but every comedy club is a comedy store. Yeah, but we make it at the Laugh Factory. We sell it at the comedy store. And we come up with it at the improv. And if we have too much of it, we store it at the Ice House. Wow. Oh, you have, that's whoa. You've made a six to my blossom, my man. A blossom to my six. I'll be Jenna Von Oye. Jewish? If Jenna Von Oye, but that Von has thrown me off. You're thinking of Rick Von. Rick Von? Rick Von. Forget the curveball, Ricky. Give him the heater. From Major League. My brother quoted that in his yearbook. And there was a teacher that came up to me at the end of his year once, a bit emotional, and said how much he loved what my brother said to me. And he thought, forget the curveball, Ricky. Give him the heater was motivation to me to like, I guess, forget about going around all these social norms and just go right through what you think is best and good and kind. Or I don't know what he thought. But it was really just a quote from Major League. My senior quote was, I don't make the choices. I just laid on the options. Is that, was that like your friend group? It was something I said once, like making up a quote. And I'm like, oh, that sounds like a thing. I guess it is. It is. Dude, just check this out. Check this out. Listen, there's truth to this. I don't eat a lot of foods. I don't like wearing lots of different kinds of clothing. All right, on planes, a lot of times their meals, they all have something in it with dairy. Like there's cheese in everything. I agree with that. Why is everything cheese, pork, and fish? What are we doing? Anyway. I can't make any choices. So what I would rather do is, I'll tell you what. Here's some options. It could be, you know, Asian vegetarian, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you choose. You choose. That's me filtering. So I'm not left with my only choices or things I can't have. I don't want to, oh, I can have cheese ravioli or cheese chicken or cheese sea bass. Da fugg? Da fugg. Da fugg. Did you own any Madball? Yeah. You did? Yeah. You seem like a kid that would be like, you want to see my Madballs? Honey, he invited me. me up to his apartment to see his scary baseball collection, but I didn't even see his mad balls. I should have said ball in the setup. I will say, being stoned with you, I have a deep recognition of what you were like when you were nine years old. Swipe to it. And of course, I think that's a What am I doing? I think that's a good thing. Going around telling people how to feel. You know what you're really doing? You know what I'm hearing? You're telling me that you'll only feel okay if I accept what you're saying as kind. And you're actually telling me more about your needs than you're thinking you're taking care of mine. That's very good. And that's why it's important that we don't read between the lines, but we ask, did you mean to put that there? I'm Dr. Rick Glassman. I'm Dr. Rick Glassman. Oh. Oh, sorry. Sorry. I thought you were taking my thing. No, I realized what you were doing. And that's actually flattery. And I mean that in a bad way. That's great. That was excellent. There's a MacGruber joke. I can't quite remember it. But Val Kilmer, the villain, MacGruber's like, what are you doing here? And he's trying to like imply that he's an idiot. He's like, well, I thought it was a good idea to sneak in here to capture a bad guy. And MacGruber's like, well, me too. But what's the best Kevin Hart short joke you've ever heard? I don't think it's funny to make fun of black people. Anyway, anything you want to plug? Yeah. And I put a little emotion in it. Well, I have a special on YouTube. It's called Silly Silly Fun Boy. And what? I didn't watch it. And I wanted to watch it. And I meant to watch it before this. And I forgot. I forgot to watch it. I'm glad you're reminding us. But I forgot to watch it. I really, after I did your podcast last time, I was like, I really want to see it. And I didn't. And I and I, I'm sorry. And we could have talked about it. And we didn't. It's all right. I'll be checking it out. It's okay. There's something to live for. And if you, if you want to remember this, but you're worried, don't worry. At the end of the episode, we're going to say it again. Silly Silly Fun Boy is on YouTube. And here's why it's not just another comedian plugging his YouTube special. I'm really proud of it. And it's plateaued. Something happened. Like it was climbing, climbing, climbing, climbing, climbing. It hit about 850, which I'm very proud of. 850,000. Oh, you're talking about the views. Got it. Views. And it's and it's chilled out. And I'm I'm like, why? It was, it's just as good. There's got to be more people. Hey, Goblins and Boppers, you know the drill. We need to make sure that Pete Holmes knows that Rick Glassman's got a strong presence in the podcast game. Oh, go on over there. Make sure you watch for at least three minutes. Is that you should watch more? No. My thought is if I say, hey, go watch it. People will be like, I'll do it later. But if I say watch it for three minutes, it doesn't feel like an obligation. They can put up for three minutes. They could continue watching. They could stop. They could go back. But it's just not asking. I don't feel like it's asking too much. I agree. But I do think it's important for the algorithm and to give yourself a chance. Go over there. A few minutes at least. Make sure you comment. Rick Glassman has a strong presence in the podcast game or we love Pete Holmes. The special, a lot of people are saying Rick Glassman in the comments because one of my opening bits is about taking your shoes off. How, which I, obviously, I understand. And you're saying it in a good way, I assume. We'll be right black. I don't like making jokes about Kevin Hart. I thought you could have expanded on that a little bit. Oh. Felt like that joke was a little short. Not jokes I don't mind making fun of because that's our job as comedians. It was just a smidge too short. Go ahead. Tell him. Tell him the truth. You put something into it that is a little bit different than, this ain't your father's comedy special. Although your dad would like it. There's a pretty funny joke about my dad that was really hard to do when he was in the audience because making fun of his big old donkey dick figures. Fingers. Figures. Fingers. Anyway, it's called Silly Silly Fun Boy. It's on YouTube. We also just uploaded I'm Not For Everyone, which was previously on Netflix, but now you can watch it on YouTube for freezy. So there's two relatively one. I'll be checking it out and I'll be checking out those comments to make sure that y'all know. - Rick Glassman sent my ass man. - Although to be fair, I will be watching it before this episode comes out, but then maybe I'll go check the comments after. - Okay. - All right. We got, I got to take a Polaroid. We got to, we got to call it. I got to go get to put on some pants. And I want to say this, Pete Holmes, you, Pete got a hotel cause we got, we got a bit stoned and he's doing it right. And he got a hotel and I love it. I love that you did this. I love that you came over. I suggested another time I want to do a sleepover series, or maybe we get a suite, a two bedroom suite. - An SOS. - Yes. And we, a TBS. - Turner Broadcast System. - I was just saying we could show up there as characters and we'd be welcome. Pete Holmes, I met you when you were working on TBS in the elevator just for laughs in Montreal with my friend, Brent Morin. - I believe it, I believe it's USA Network as characters welcome. - Yeah, TBS is very funny. - Thank you. That's why I switched it. - The winner of every Emmy, every Grammy. - Be me. - Every Tony. - Lamar and Morris. - Theme music. ♪ Blubbity blue ♪ - We're gonna stay there. We gotta get a ball right now. You really have to hurry up. ♪ Blubbity blue scoop deep ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Blubbity blue ♪ ♪ It's gonna blub blub blub blub blub blub blub ♪