Pete Holmes 3.0

This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. If you go to helixsleep.com, you take their sleep quiz. It takes like a minute. Are you a back sleeper? Are you a back or side sleeper? Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. Because I used to be a side sleeper all my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced to sleep on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress. Also, I've told you about this. Are you putting a pillow under your legs? No. I'm telling you, Dad. Put pillows under your legs. It puts pressure off your lower back. I love Helix mattresses. They will mail the mattress to you. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. We got one here and in the guest room. We got one here and the guest room. People are loving their Helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get a 120-day money-back guarantee. Go to helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. 20% site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash TISO. helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. You know what I mean. What's the site? Do it. Helix Sleep. Helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off the site. Hello, my friend. Are you here? Hello, Playboy. You're in the same place? Yeah, I'm in the same place as the second place. I'm not the same as the third place. I'm in first place. I'm on the big place. Sounds like you're ready, dude. I'll be right there. I'm just turning my camera on and I'm coming up. Great. So he's going to be like a thing? I can put him upstairs. Okay. I'm just being curmudgeonly about the most adorable dog and I'm sure people love him. Do you want me to bring the doggy somewhere? Yes. Weird, man. Sorry, Alvin. Sorry, buddy. It's not that. I'm sorry, buddy. I know. I'm sorry. I'm going to have to put you. What is he going to be doing during the show? Sitting on me, right? Not with that attitude. Okay, then just put him here. Just put him here. But know that when people do my podcast and they're like, my publicist is coming. It throws me. And I know you're this kind of guy. You know, when people say the publicist is coming, I say, I don't let anybody in here that's not on camera. But a little doggy is like, the reason I struggle with the publicist is because I'm going to be thinking about the dog, but I'm not mad about it. Okay. In fact, I'd like a redemption moment with the dog. You know, I used to think you had a lot in common with Paul Reiser, but it seems like you don't. Mad about you. Theme music. Wait, was he in Must Love Dog? Scoop-doo. Blabbity-bloo. Scoop-dee. Oh, yeah. Brr-rumpa. Brr-rumpa. Brr-rumpa. No, he was in Mad About You. Brr-rumpa. Don't know why. I love you like I do. Tell me who. Who can be a girl like you? Is he going to wear his cans? They don't sound great. They don't sound good? You know, something's been going on with these. Hi. I don't know why. Redemption dog. Hello, dog. Yeah, it sounds, um. Oh, you hear the hissing? I hear hissing. That's only through this. No, no, no. I'm not. It just sounds bad. Take him off. I will. But you play like sound effects. And stuff will put them on for the sound effects. Put it up, put it up, put it on. Okay, take him off. Let me set this up. Redemption dog. Did you see how he took his legs out? I was like, let's go where this is going. This is going to bring him upstairs. No, I feel like you're, you're, you're able to hint your boundaries, but not define them. I think that's valid, but I'll define mine. Could we keep everything on the line? Please. You didn't like that my phone was touching? I don't like that your finger's touching it. Really? I don't. Would I throw a fit? Yeah. Yeah. Is it possible that your boundaries are too well defined? It's an interesting question. Wow. First time consideration. Well, there's an interesting, because mine aren't as defined as they need to be. Oh, I thought you were asking me a question. Sorry. I was. Oh, I'm sorry. Were we not having a free form Rick Glassman style conversation where we can just kind of interject and have fun and bounce the ball around? Are we having like a fucking diary of a CEO? Am I just supposed to sit here with an iPad? I'm sorry. Do I need these boundaries very well defined? Do I just need to sit here with an iPad, Pete? Do you want me to sit here with muscles and dreamy eyes and an iPad? I don't know what you just said the last like five seconds. Something about muscles and an iPad. I don't know. Is it not what I was thinking? I don't know. Look at his paws. You should train him to hold very still when there's a drink on his head. People won't like that. That's part of what my concern is that they'll be like, I don't like the way Pete was with the dog. People complain about the dog all the time because he's distracting like a publicist or something. Oh, theme music. Thanks for watching the episode of Pete Holmes. Ricky's on the loose stand up tour. I'm in Phoenix, Arizona, January 9, 10, 11. I'm back in San Francisco for two shows at Cobb's February 7th, February 26, 27 and 28. I will be in Denver, Colorado, March 26, 27, 28, Houston, Texas, and in Cleveland, Ohio, May 1st and 2nd. And the following weekend, May 7th, 8th and 9th, I am in Dallas, Texas. Go to punchup.live slash Rick Glassman to get tickets. And you could also sign up for my email list. Well, I will let you know if I'm going to be coming near your city. Ticket link is also in the description. Thank you for watching. All right. Let's get into it. I'm Krasinski-ing. Watch. Wait, it's actually, I'm selling John Krasinski short because I'm not doing it well. I'll feel you zoom in on me and then I'll do it. Feel you zoom in on me and then I'll do it. Wait. Subtle. He does it very well. Yeah, he does it a little bit better than you. I see. No, you do it well too, though. You didn't see. The problem is you're looking into camera instead of looking into the people watching it. I think that's, it's a mindset as an actor. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I did. I took the note. Yeah. I think that one was better because I took the note. Very good. Krasinski. It's actually, he didn't create that. No, I know. Lucio Ball did. But they had a, they couldn't use it because they didn't break the fourth wall then. Oh, she would do it? I don't know. I'm just making conversation. I'm a big fan of crashing the show. Not doing it. Not actually crashing into things. What's that? The movie? Yeah. The movie is called Crashing. There's a movie called Is This Thing On? Which is very, seems very, it looks great, but it looks very similar to Crashing. It's a movie? Will Arnett plays a divorced guy. Oh, yes, yes. Jordan Jensen's in it, I heard. Yeah. Bradley Cooper is directing it. Mm-hmm. And boy, are my arms tired from paying for the movie tickets. Getting my money fast. Getting my money so fast. Yeah. I need you to always know when I'm going to look to you. Is that possible? Hey. Hey, you. How are you, Rick? Good, thanks. How are you? It's nice to see you. I moved the interview up 15 minutes. I moved it back 15 minutes. Yes. Very good. Well, when a friend- It's funny that you do- You go. I just pointed out how great your riff was. So, you called me, and usually when people call instead of text, they say, hey, I'm running a little behind. Which I wanted to say as a podcaster. That's why I was like, oh, I wanted you to get it right. Like, I'm so professional and so respectful of the host that I showed up early. I don't know if that is. To me, it is. So, Todd Glass- It gets- You go. The guest puts it on you. The guest- I said, if you'd like to start early. I didn't say, but I put it all on you. If you were like, boy, because I was the one that suggested 1.30. So, now I'm saying, I could do one. Yeah, but you said I could do one at 12.45. Because I'm in the car. How did I know when I was going to get there? And I don't think there's a problem with it. Yeah, I hear you. But if somebody says that to me, I'm like, fuck yeah. If I'm there, I'm like, let's start. Right, but if you're not ready- Don't you live here? Yes, but if I'm not- Do you not want that public? No. It's fine. Okay. I mean, it's a metaphor. I live in my studio because I work all the time. I like that. Hey, hey. Cuts to me on a cell phone from the 80s, and I'm calling you, and you're Zach Morris' dad. And I'm like, is this the only way I can get your attention? I don't get the reference. If you do, it's time for a colonoscopy. Because you're old enough to have watched Saved by the Bell? That's right. It's a colorful and funny way of saying you must be 46. Do you like that my colors that I'm wearing are kind of like the zigzags of the Saved by the Bell album? I do. By the time you grab your- You gave yourself a look. You grabbed your book, and you gave yourself a look. That's the lyrics to the song. When I wake up in the morning- And you feel something in the morning, and you can't even have a stomach on time. I'm feeling kind of horny. That's Saved by the Bells. This is why I invited you back. Kelly Kapowski. Zach Monis. So when you say to somebody, I'm on my way- Screech works. And you're kind of putting on them like, oh, I better hurry up. No. you know if this were yesterday yeah hey could you do one o'clock i would be able to say yes or no but if you say hey i'm on my way but it's okay you went like this he went hey rick i could drive around in circles for a while if you're not ready i think we can all tell that that is what i said todd glass got here an hour early and i didn't know it wow and he comes in he's like i use your bathroom i've been waiting in the car for an hour i could have started earlier that's why i think it's nice to bring it up so you guys could meet in the middle we could meet in the middle i was asking you to catch a ball we're in a cafeteria it's a place of food and i'm throwing a ball that's what i did yeah and i'm eating and we're eating and i'm like oh now i'm one of your other friends yeah yeah now i gotta touch my friend touch my friends again yeah you ever touch your friends yeah listen well so you put a meaning to get that off thank you you put a cloth here to keep it from yeah i don't like outside clothes i don't like a sexy photograph of kristin bell up and to your left i remember that last time you think your boundaries are a little too defined oh my god and by the way compliments to the chef it's a compliment to kristin bell that's a distractingly attractive photograph don't put it there now i can now you'll tell when i'm sneaking i can tell that you're looking for a boner trying to get my boner bigger i've had the boner do you feel that when you're trying to get a boner you're trying to get a boner in a certain way you're thinking about making it bigger versus harder and are they mutually exclusive i'm thinking of it remember in uh the princess bride where there's the machine that tortures him with the big wheel yeah and the water flows down yes that's what i'm thinking but blood yeah but the wheel is my dick do you think that's real because i find that to be to me inconceivable wow well i spent years developing an immunity to that riff and you probably want to clean up don't fuck with me dude what if i was aggressive it was a funny choice it was just a joke i didn't like how it felt have you ever had jason siegel on your podcast uh oh jason siegel yeah not jason bateman correct uh uh uh uh take her uh take her uh jason bateman that's really good um uh is it it's not i know that's what that's what my jason bateman impression thinks of that impression is is that good it's not good jason siegel does uh uh do you want anyone you want a peanut does anybody want a peanut yeah took andre the giant a barrel of beer to get drunk sometimes too hello pretty lady anybody want a peanut does anybody want a peanut hey do you guys want to say bonjour do you think that's the line more people know saved by the bell that watch this podcast the people who watch this podcast are more familiar with the princess bride than than saved by the bell i would love to in the comments if you're familiar with one or two people who are more familiar with one or both um let us know which one you're just familiar just say princess bride if you're more more familiar no because what if we do something later with almond butter almond butter tastes like an idea peanut butter where are you going i'm pressing mute on my uh on my office computer yeah that's where your computer is are you kind of sad that apple that's the new remember when apple monitors were like round and kind of fun you know what i'm talking about they look like pc monitors now right angles thick this isn't an area of interest for you what's up no or sorry tell me what you said again i forgot that you're not my only camera that there's this camera i could be enjoying that angle yeah but i did i love that you agreed because the the classic mac thing i miss it you know i'm enjoying this angle take a look i don't want to i've oh just talk about your your crashing show and when the next season's coming out i'll be right there it's very good it's very good people do ask me that and i'm like yeah we're just taking a seven year break um you know what's funny is i was in toronto and i i went to a massage parlor where i really loved the massage was fantastic and then at the end the woman did offer me a handjob which was a really good massage and i was like oh my god i'm going to get a handjob which is the first time that's ever happened they usually just do it they usually just give it to you well yeah usually they start with it and then i get the massage just a wash and why i think there's i think that it should be a happy beginning that's what i'm saying that's not what i'm saying we already said it say it again say stuff say stuff bad about black people why do you pick them because they're my favorite that was so good gotcha gotcha that was so good dear black internet look what pete holmes did when he stopped being as christian as he used to be that was so good i don't know why i'm always very impressed with you and think you're very funny but for some reason that's impressive that part's oppressive well i just like it's not you were funny and it shouldn't have surprised me but it was extra there it is i bet last time i did the podcast we talked about krasinski you're i didn't know that you were a big fan of his i do love john krasinski i think he's fantastic i just it's not just on my mind that much yeah it's one of my go-to riffs if there's a camera that you can mug to isn't it interesting that you don't want to hear about the handjob i don't all i want to say is the massage was so good and i really needed a massage and i kept thinking i was trying to telepathically say please don't ruin this by saying do you want a handjob because i could kind of tell she was very cavalier with my ass being out for example like that was not wearing underwear it was a new most massages are nude when you go new you're letting them know that they're that they could ask you if you're wearing underpants they don't ask incorrect oh maybe in a place like this is that what you're telling me i don't mean at an arby's no i'm saying like look you go to a four seasons you go nude nobody's asking you you don't get the season you don't get i hated it you know i'm just kidding you don't ever get jerked off into four seasons no i make them much no stop this area why don't you like black people why don't you like black people stop this area they're my favorite all right sorry black twitter i was wrong thank you sonia um all i want to say is all i could do because i couldn't telepathically she was very cavalier with my ass being out there was a moment where she spread my legs and i knew huey lewis and the news were in plain sight so she would get that you might be a redneck it was it was insinuating it was insinuating it was insinuating that it was essential massage but i was so sore and i'm 46 please help me yeah i can i can't massage myself does that make sense no i can jerk myself off i got 10 000 hours i don't need your help i can't do this so please just do bateman i don't want you to jerk off my enormous cock you don't your eyes say i want more but your face i just think that i'm watching you the way people watch me and i'm thinking like is this what it's like just keep going with the jerk off stuff all right fine all i'm saying is i couldn't i was trying to tell telepathically say please don't ruin this i don't want that why telepathically really do you feel like maybe your boundaries aren't well enough to find quite possibly you mean you you would say just when you got the sense that there might be i'm not i would accept it you would accept it you would accept it you would accept it i think so yeah i like that i think i would accept it i like your i like your candor i don't want it and i won't accept it but all i want to say is i'm not going to say that to the woman especially in case you don't know she's also maybe not going to offer so all i can do is just be as flaccid as possible which i had no problem doing that was brag alert that's what i'm saying i'm the elvis presley of being flaccid and all i did so i was like i've never had an erection in my life that i didn't give the executive order whoa the two key turn that's an exaggeration i'm a comedian have you done it have you done comedy have you tried it i mean i don't give it a dabble i don't know what i do is comedy i would say it's an expression of art and it's funny a lot of the time you're just being you i actually would believe that but of course i've had involuntary erections but for the sake of folly i've had let's put it this way i've had my balls like sonogrammed and stuff you ever have a sonogram remind me that what a sonogram is gel and it's how they see if you're pregnant it's an ultrasound ultrasound what's a sonogram that's what i'm wondering what first base sorry alvin sorry alvin what what are we doing i'm looking at what a sonogram is oh what's the difference between a sonogram and an ultrasound and please tell it to me like it is a setup and a punch line in the form of a joke my dad that's the funniest thing you could say right there that was really an ultrasound is the concert the sonogram is just the album cover just could you explain this so i actually know the difference you dug that hole my dad is you know he's done comedy ultrasound is the procedure the sonogram is the result i see okay so i was sort of a joke thank you cuts a cuts a me opening my special with that joke and just changes my life. - Never acknowledging it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's just- My audience just has a sore throat, but they really love the joke. I loved it. So anyway, some guys I've heard, they're getting any procedure on their wanger. And the launch sequence is initiated. I've never had it in a clinical setting. I've never been like, sorry about your eye. You know, I had an ultrasound because I have a varicocele. Funny stuff. I also have a varicocele. I could tell. You got varicocele energy. I have big varicocele energy. B-V-S-E. B-V-S. Ooh. Oh. Remember when you were on my podcast and we did Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson with acronyms? I don't remember anything. S-Y-B-G? I-C-B? F-T-F-T? I-S-M-O? I don't think that was me. It was you. I-D-T-T-W-M-E. It was you. You think I have a lot of friends that are great at acronyms on the fly? I think that with, yeah. Okay. Tell me what you're going to say. I have a varicocele. I had it operated on in 11th grade. Yeah. It came back. Pun not intended. Believe me. Came? On backs. Backs? Coming on a back. Testicles come. Coming on a back? I'm saying it wasn't intended. I didn't think the back part was part of it. It wasn't. Honest to goodness, it wasn't intended. When you said pun not intended, I thought you just meant come, but you're like, also the back. None of it. I didn't mean any of this. To come out. The way it sounded not intended again. Okay, so I got a varicocele. I came all over the place and I meant to, and I meant to, and I had the operation, and then I know that my, my, my semen still works because I got a woman pregnant. Oh, I never even met her, but you know, that's religion for you. And oh, sound effects. Okay. I just want them to sound more robust. All right. Love it. You can take these off now. I'm going to be, I want to be you. I want to look like Adam Sandler trying to blend in at a restaurant. You know, people have been saying, great. People have been saying that I dress like Adam Sandler as an insult. And I've always taken that as a compliment. Why wouldn't you? He's the king. He's a king. He's a king. He's a king. You're dressed like you have a hundred million dollars. Do you have some more kings in no particular order that are on a level similar to Sandler? What do you mean? In what, in what regard? Larry David is a king. Larry King. Not to me. I thought you were going to say Larry King. You mean like greats. Yeah. I was just talking to somebody on my, my podcast this morning. Why go through it again? So I was kidding. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Michael Keaton, I think is a king. He's great. I don't have enough appreciation enough of him to call him a king, but I'm, I'm always. Oh, interesting. I'm always, whenever I see him, it's always like, wow. Not enough to get him to king. He hasn't inspired. He hasn't inspired me in the way that these other people have. I see. He hasn't moved. He's like, his talent is undeniable and incredible and special. Yeah. And he hasn't inspired me the way that like Will Smith has. I mean it. Me too. So, um, I, the Verica seal came back. Oh. And that time I meant it. I'm sorry. That time you were going for a come on the back. Yeah. So this ad is no, this is no longer. Suitable for ads. It's, it's difficult for it's, it's, it's, I, when I'm in relationships, I'm able to, um, make love and ejaculate inside of the woman or the man. And, um, I don't know if that's necessary. Well, we're talking about pregnancy. Men can get pregnant. You don't think that men can get pregnant. Why did you pick that as your issue? Isn't that a thing that people fight about? Like whether or not men can get pregnant because of the loudest voice on, on social media. Yeah, I think so. And I'd like to stay out. I'd like to stay out of that. I've been out of that. I'm going to stay out of that. Not out of it anymore. I know. I'm in it. I'm in it hot. I'm in it hot right now. Pun intended. So, um, so I've been meeting with fertility, uh, doctors and because it's very concealed is back and I'm wondering, well, if I wanted to get pregnant, do I have the operation again? And if so, well, that fix it. And also if so, if I do have the operation again, but then what if the very concealed comes back again? So I'm thinking, I don't want to have this operation. I don't want to have this operation at all until I'm at least with a partner ready for that. I am ready for it. I just don't have the person, but like I want a kid yesterday. Yeah. You'd be a great dad. Thank you. I've been saying it for weeks. You're in your Sandler clothes because Sandler clothes are very similar to good dad clothes. Once you're a dad, look at this fucking shirt. Was this a screensaver? It does look like something that you would wear if you were going to a Rocco's modern life convention. It's very good. It's very good. It looks like I'm going to see the bare naked ladies. Wow. I believe it. I just don't know enough about that. Okay. I don't know enough. I understand. I could see your eyes wondering if you thought that was funny. It wasn't think. I don't, I understand. I don't go to, I think it's funny. I try to understand it. Try and understand. And when you understand it's either funny or it's not another acting note, I'll give you when you're playing a character who is supposed to be overwhelmed with emotions. If you think your job is to cry, you've set yourself up for failure. That's right. Don't cry. What's that about? I'm sorry. You act like you're trying to not cry. That's, that's an advanced technique. I would more so say, just be connected. Be connected to what would make you cry. And if it makes you cry, it does. And if it doesn't, it doesn't have the thoughts. That's your only job. That's have the thoughts. I feel that way with being present and with comedy as well. I've said this on my podcast before, but my mom says, and when I say it again, um, okay. Your mom says, uh, she used to say it more like, but I have a show. So you go be funny. And I say, uh, maybe it's not my job. My only thing I could do is to be present. I love that. And I really believe that it takes a lot of pressure off. And I think present, I will be funny. It's funny, Ramda. Ramdas? Ramdas alert? Yeah. You know Ramdas? Ramdas alert. Because of John Krasinski. I brought this here. I know you're a fan. I really enjoy my time with you. I really do. It's like being in Pee Wee's Playhouse, but it's real. Well, Pee Wee's Playhouse was real, but everybody was kind of, you know, Lawrence Fishburne didn't really live in the neighborhood. I heard he doesn't even have an issue with his eye. His eye? Yeah. Does Lawrence Fishburne have a thing with his eye? It might be. Are you being racist? You're thinking of Forrest Whitaker. Who's Lawrence Fishburne? Not Forrest Whitaker. Hold on. Keep this in. Hold on. Keep this in. I can feel you editing this. What's the difference between Lauren Fishburne and Forrest Whitaker, but please say it as a setup and punchline joke. No. No. Here's your thumbnail. Nothing except one's Morpheus and the other one's maybe he is. That's pretty good. I don't get the maybe he is. I get more of it. They're saying. They're saying what you did. Because they look a lot. A lot of people do. I don't because I'm fucking dope. Can you freeze on that? Could you please show me a picture of Lawrence Fishburne? Only he gets to. I'm so sorry. I just wanted a can of slice to come by after I froze. Right. Lawrence Fishburne. That's who that is. Could I please see a picture? Could you please give me a picture of Forrest Whitaker? It's the same guy. That's. Put up a side-by-side. They look exactly the same. Very similar. Very similar. I can't argue with that. Forrest Whitaker had emphysema in the Star Wars movie Rogue One. And Lawrence Fishburne had more or less. More Morpheus. So we'll get to the cum stuff in a second. But I have a question for you. The stereo like the it's racist to assume that all black people look alike or all Chinese people look alike. Is it that is it that people think that they do? Or is it people that if they're not that race? Think that other races like do black people also think all Chinese people look alike? Do they think all white people look alike? Do what else is there black Chinese and white? Is there anything else? I think Indian are those the big four Chinese is Asian, but so is Indian. I would like to see I think it would be an interesting study getting arrested for the last one minute of what I just said. No, I think you're I think people can tell your intent isn't malicious. Uh-huh. I'd like to know if people who grow up in let's say China what they're looking at like eye tracking when it comes to looking at. Looking at another face because obviously people aren't walking around China being like, oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm trying to say that ain't that the only way to do it these days. What? What I'm doing. I was just like Barry riff in the middle of a sincere point. No, I just meant just being an honest observation is what's funny. I see just be present, but I'm saying like there might be something going on. Like when I look at people, I look at it in a Western way. I. I often look at hair and hair color first. And and if you're in a cult, a lot of the world, the majority of the world has brown or black hair. So like I am coming at it in a very Western specifically American way. I look at hair first. Is that why in Shawshank Redemption? Andy Dufresne didn't have a problem wearing the warden shoes. Can I say that? I think you can say that. Yeah, you know talking about walked out in the warden shoes. Now that I like this is not a bad impression. You look like him. I have freckles. But I need these. I need these. That's a thing that girls do. Now they make up they put on freckles. They think it makes them hotter and I agree. Marilyn Monroe. Oh nice. You hung yours up. So I think people hang those up. So I froze my cum. Well, that's fine. I didn't even think about hanging it up. You hung it up. Yeah. Well, that's fun. Well, I mean my producers did. I didn't even notice it. he came back the cat come back so I've frozen my cum in a couple of different places try and find him wow is one of them don't touch don't touch don't touch don't touch what about a hover don't mind it really I don't mind a hover OC you got the O you're definitely definitely compulsive is it over to your taste the O doesn't stand for over obsessive to your taste see that was kind of over the only thing that's over is me and this conversation and then a sound effect toilet flushing toilet flushing toilet flushing toilet flushing funny funny what else what else I sometimes open my set with what else that's good it doesn't get the laugh I want it to get it's very good let me rephrase it doesn't get a laugh and I want it to what else what else what else how long are you pausing because the set up of that joke is tension the punchline is what else what am I what am I don't don't don't do you say patronize or patronize I was just getting the pen out I mean like sometimes you really do take my breath away you really do like that is so funny it took my breath away a little bit thank you I'm not even this isn't a bit don't use my handjob story as the clip I might tell that story on stage I don't mind that it's in the show but can you not clip it tell him he's the one that picks them okay thank you I was happy to do it on the show like I brought the goods yes I was like I want to be a good guest I'll tell the story but if it's a clip it really gets different you don't want it to be the sonogram I want it to be the ultrasound right hi my name is Dick Crease and I'm Dick Crease as well and together we are Rick and Pete I thought I knew what you were going to say the Creases the Creases yeah Decrease there was a reason we were talking about fertility or there's a reason I brought it up and I don't remember what it was oh you're going to get your varicoseal but you're going to wait and you're going to be a good dad and you're Adam Sandler and what if I wouldn't it be kind of haunting if I took us beat for beat back to here no I think if there's anybody who's been on this podcast before nobody you could do it you were one of the 18 people that could do it Lil Esther no Gilroy yes Holmes yes trying to think of other people probably no she's never been on she's been on she just came out on her third time I was going to say but I don't think she would be able to remember to do that thing it's a certain skill set I was asking has she been on three times yeah yeah she knows the talent this is your third time this episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep if you go to helixsleep.com you take their sleep quiz it takes like a minute or you go back sleeper or you go back or side sleeper side same funny you ask okay because I used to be a side sleeper all my life but the last three weeks both my sides hurt I forced to sleep on my back and I never could and I'm doing it now and the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress also I've told you about this are you putting a pillow under your legs no I'm telling you dad put pillows under your legs it puts pressure off your lower back I love Helix mattress they will mail the mattress to you Aunt Lauren has one right Teddy got one Teddy got one we got one here and in the guest room here and the guest room people are loving their Helix Mark if you want to try one at your place you get a 120 day money back guarantee go to helixsleep.com slash Tyso for 20% off site wide 20% site wide that's helixsleep.com slash Tyso helixsleep.com slash Tyso for 20% off site wide you know what I mean what's the site do it helixsleep.com slash Tyso for 20% off the site am I a beautiful woman that's the thing man or woman a lot of people feel the need to define what a man is and what a woman is but you know what I feel a need to do I feel a need to allow other people to express their beliefs without me judging them I could disagree what do you mean is it because I called her beautiful like I'm having some sort of ownership of her no you asked if you are a beautiful woman and I'm saying that's not for me to decide okay I thought I stepped in it again that I'm like taking ownership or like putting her in a category like she's here for my pleasure like oh you're beautiful like what's why do I have to why do I have to have an opinion on her appearance you know what I don't call Dax Shepard the handsome guy you know what I mean why maybe I should I could go the other way he's fucking yoked now he is yoked he's always been yoked he's more yoked now I believe it me Zach Braff Dax Shepard put up all three can you tell the difference that is so funny do you win awards the big Chinese cat okay I just don't know what bothers people I don't I really don't and part of me doesn't part of me I want to understand what upsets people and offends them without feeling controlled by it so I want to be able to make the choice that I'm okay with this even if you're not but there might be some times where if I said something and it upsets somebody the fact that it upsets them actually makes me not want to do that so I want to have the information but I want to be able to be the one who chooses you know what fuck it here it is I don't know if it's a Chinese cat or a Japanese cat it's Chinese all I know is it has dirty knees look at these we don't say that anymore I say it we also don't say okie dokie artichokie that's out is that true no we don't say what is it easy peasy lemon squeezy is the new sometimes people would say Japanesey I didn't know that I'm not saying I ever did but I'm from Boston I grew up in the 80s so I heard a lot of shit I have a question for you Japanesey as a comedian who grew up in Boston and you've heard a lot of shit and you do a lot of jokes do you ever find that you see a certain type of culture go go pee pee in your coke because and is that wrong to acknowledge like not all stereotypes are true but you know mute your shit bro that's is that that's mute your shit bro like like I'm just like I'm trying to interview you for your for running for office and I've been so disrespectful meanwhile you don't stop saying the n-word and we bleep them every time bleep it I that pee pee in the coke thing that was so that was very funny to me yeah the way you said it what do you have next that you want to talk about on my hand I look like let's see what else I was I sort of obsessively make sure I have an aura ring and it's supposed to but you would too if you wore this I feel like you have to have this on the back yeah yeah it's my wedding band was your wedding sponsored by aura it was and Mountain Dew Code Red I had to say I love you but not as much as you do as much as Mountain Dew Code Red and then she said what that's extreme and then a giant dildo came out of the wall like the Kool-Aid man that's your clip he said oh no oh no yeah really Kool-Aid man said oh yeah because everyone wants Kool-Aid nobody wants dick nobody wants dick girls are faking it no they're not girls are faking it every girl I've ever met must be an amazing actress this guy thinks they want it girls like penis ain't nobody like penis alright if you're a girl in the comments and you don't like penis but you're straight that's fair tell me why you don't like it and if you used to like it tell me why you used to like it and then also if you could if you don't mind what changed and also something about almond butter maybe that it tastes like an idea peanut butter tastes like a day in a dream almond butter is like we'll get there that makes sense you know what I mean by the way I don't think girls are faking it sometimes when you do the surveys it makes me think that people are going to think I mean it but that's the thing I'm just saying but why is that does that upset you if they think that you think that they don't like dick how much time do you have to worry how much time you got well you got a hard out of three that's true well depends if I have a bit in my special we lost the joke it'll be gone forever and imagine if I couldn't handle that so you have a bit in your special which special it was just it was on Netflix I believe it just left because I was in the leaving soon that's I saw it had leaving soon so throw it up on YouTube baby it'll be on YouTube well let's plug it Pete Holmes girls hate dick gonna be on YouTube February 8th everybody hates dick isn't that the Chris Rock show that they wrote about me that was the original show but they thought let's make it about a black kid instead of homosexuals nobody likes dick but it's narrated by Morgan Freeman because in this riff I think Morgan Freeman is Chris Rock my man I get a lot of thinking face from him but I get the chucks wait a minute do you think you don't make me laugh because you've said that now I think three times I'm counting four the first one wasn't funny I mean you're just a true a true talent and look how well look I actually usually go over further this way yeah and because you're tall I thought I wanted to cover this other side you did well it's like planning for an orgy lay down the rubber sheets yeah I used to plan for them all the time until I found out the orgies that everybody hates Chris so I had to just invite girls over everybody hates Chris I've never seen that maybe I have but I don't know that show and I hear it was fantastic everybody hates Chris yeah I heard it was a great show that I never got into Did you watch it? - No. - You probably watched "Malcolm in the Middle" though. right are you saying malcolm in the middle is the white everybody malcolm in the middle is to everybody hates chris as as uh full house is the family matters tell me i'm lying i like it thank you i was much more i wonder why because growing up family matters fresh prince were near the top of my list you mentioned how much you love full house step by step wasn't and i didn't think of it as i'm watching people who i don't relate with like i didn't think i mean of course there's some episodes when eddie gets pulled over and when carlton gets pulled over like i understood oh that's where we learned dwb what's that driving while black was that's from will smith well it's from that episode so like that was a moment was like oh that's a that's a different culture than mine but i never felt that way watching those shows i know what you mean i love that we keep walking by neighborhoods that might be tricky for us to traverse but i don't think we ever left the neighborhood and it's a scary neighborhood you almost i almost what i think it's a violent scary neighborhood you almost said online people get mad at you about stuff yeah what i'm gonna say is i actually think you're right and in the 90s i watched family matters and i watched will smith fresh prince of bel-air i called it will smith hi i hadn't been sure for lunch hi i'm just saying i have to say that um it's you have so many sponsors i have so many sponsors um anyway i i do think it was less of a we're just in such a time of picking sides and i don't can i tell you this by the way i was driving here and there was somebody with a huge american flag on their truck and i immediately just was like like just kind of got it like a like a bad feeling this guy hates jews yeah maybe and i was like how did i look i'm a liberal person how did we lose patriotism i don't understand i love this country who's we liberals like the democrats like the i understand democratic presidents and stuff but it's not our thing i'll tell you i'll tell you the fourth of july is not our thing i'll tell you what country music i know the reason we should love all these things we should love it all because the the liberals on the on the on the gross side of it have decided that inequity is america's fault as opposed to human nature not making an excuse and because of all the bad things that that america has that has happened in america and it has yes which is not exclusive to america in great part is like well by loving this country i'm now condoning slavery and these things that you actually and i think it's a very small-minded point of view it's okay to hate these things while still recognizing progress exists i'm with you and it's hard it's it's hard to have nuance in a world that's so loud clip it don't clip that well i'm saying what is this a ted talk as a metaphor but like because things are clipped it's headlines i'm saying things taken out of context well that's good that's very good i'm just like remember chapelle had that great bit about flawed allies i don't remember remind me when we were doing the voice when me too was happening i do old chapelle i do chapelle killing him softly chapelle hey man remember yeah that's more blue streak chapelle to me yeah in my mind now he's like yeah strong we're sitting on a stool but when he was like i meant the baby baby comes out but just so we don't lose the point you're making oh yeah tell me the bit he did this uh very interesting funny bit about how when me too was happening and he filmed the special when me too just started that i think that ben affleck tried to come out and say i'm on the side of this this is good this is important and they were like you touched a titty like they went after him okay he was like we need to they went after them people went after him um and he was making i think an interesting point that we need to maybe have flawed allies and and what i'm saying is also a flawed country and also a flawed individual identity like we all let ourselves down sometimes it might be just your thoughts it could be your behavior who knows but it takes a wise person and it takes a wise country and it takes a wise movement to go like let's not always be black and white i'm not saying i could fix it i'm just saying chinese and indian and stuff as well you're saying we should also have like chinese and puerto rican and indian is that is that uh under the giant playing the bass does anybody want me to play the bass so you're saying to not be black and white take your shoes off you're saying that it's not about chasing um uh perfect morals yes isn't that what christianity was kind of founded on with uh repenting and be accepting your sins as human i suppose so i mean there's certainly some hits there he who is without sin throw the first stone comes to mind being as educated you are as a religion and also being on uh experiencing a lot of sin and also being on uh experiencing a life on both sides of it could you tell me that if we were to take like pros and cons of you could be religion in general but i'm thinking christianity um uh like if you're like okay listen i would be for this um absolutely if like these were what the x amount of commandments were understanding that they sometimes are broken you want me to trim some commandments yeah i think i see what you're saying you it's an interesting question because when we're talking about a country or a movement you we have sort of or we need to do it with christianity you know bill maher recently spoke on how he thinks that he would be more okay with the bible if it were similar to the constitution where you can make amendments but we do to the bible we absolutely do well i mean i don't mean we there's slavery is no longer uh a preferred method of labor but it's still part of the bible yeah but i mean you could say that when paul writes about like hey don't worry about being kosher anymore you could call that an amendment who's paul of the apostles paul wasn't an apostle but he wrote the majority of the new michael luke paul and john or something matthew mark luke and john oh he's paul's not one of those four no paul paul though is are we talking about the guy from mad about you right uh-huh paul reiser paul wrote what would be considered the theology of the new testament so when you've heard the idea that jesus died for your sins right that sort of came later that's what we you want to hear a fun one that's called pauline theology but wait a minute i thought jesus died for our sins and that wasn't written until years later anyway like a couple hundred years like it's 150 years king james bible was that the original or is that what paul wrote i i'm not a scholar of this but constantine i believe was the one that was like hey guess what that guy you murdered 150 years ago actually that is the original religion that we're going to go with that because there was like a small sect of people that followed jesus and kept it going but when the bible was like canonized written written down that was 150 years later oh and the king king's james celebrity aspect of it was that was the first to use the the the printing press i think i think so it was also just a wildly popular version of the bible still is yeah it was written in 1611 the king james 1611 nice bro that's 80 years before the salem witch trials hi hi but can i oh sorry tell me what you think the by that the bible says that that if if people uh believed it and preached it and practiced it that that we would be more forgiving and understanding of our imperfections outside of the evil aspect of things sure well you know it's interesting it's a very interesting topic jesus wasn't the only one that said love your neighbor as yourself wasn't even the first that's what i mean it appears in many many you set me up you wanted to well i'm a big fan of shiva and uh and uh who is if i'm not mistaken um uh has a lot of arms and she used to hook up with goro from mortal combat that's very good thank you loved goro love a claymation villain never quite scary i can see you're made out of play bro play bro wait why play-doh in the game he was clay goro was clay were they not all clay no quite famously midway was like not clay no way that reptile tasty which is the secret um to scorpion and sub-zero throw up some pictures all obviously laurence fishburne but with the masks with the green orange and a blue can one of them be baraka yeah okay it's a little racial but i get it you're saying obama so jesus you know where jesus is unique so this is this is very much on like trump so where jesus is unique one of the ways he's the best you know that just always works for me it's a very funny not specifically trump but when people have good impressions he's a wonderful take your shoes off you got to take them off you walk in you got to take your shoes off my tiny little shoe does he wear it i don't know if he has famously small feet but he has small famously small hands or just famously large um sleeves yeah my hands are a good size it's my tailor wonderful tailor horrible tailor which but he thinks it's wonderful how horrible is is he talking about the kid from from home improvement jonathan taylor thomas is my tailor you wonder what he's doing now uh he's doing my suits i say jonathan taylor jtt make my hands look so small because then when i take my preposterously gigantic suit off people will see that i have normal size hands i couldn't do the impression and the bit it's okay it made me laugh i love it too happy i love a laugh the way you were saying it i thought you were gonna lean towards it like there's kids in him oh you know like little rascals I'm actually five boys, one girl in the middle. She's the strongest. She's a load-bearing girl. I'm stacked up like five children going to an X-rated movie. I got the idea from watching Voltron. Why X-rated instead of R-rated? These are horny boys. They are horny. They want to see it. They want to see the jizz. Pun intended? Oh, I didn't even have my headphones on. Toilet flush? So Jesus. So Jesus was unique. It's so stupid to go from Trump back to Jesus. If you want to have a fun fact, where Jesus is unique in his teaching is he was the, in my understanding, the first to say, love your enemy. So we had love your neighbor as yourself, the golden rule, in I think six or seven different traditions from the same time or from similar times. But Jesus was unique when he said love your enemy. It's kind of like you just have to, like when, they make the Lion King into a live action movie. In order to be nominated for movies awards and stuff like that, they have to come up with a new song. Simba was Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yes, he was. Oh my God. All right. Anything you want to plug? My tiny hand. We did it. Go to PeteHolmes.com for all his tour dates. I go to all his shows. How weird is it that it was Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Yeah. I mean, that's the Kevin Bacon game, but with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. And you go from Jonathan Taylor Thomas to Jonathan Taylor Thomas and you call it a day. Yeah. Jungle to jungle. Jingle all the way. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kevin Bacon. Arnold Schwarzenegger's vegan now. Is he? Is that true? I'm plant-based. I'm plant-based. Is he really? It's true. I'm trying. That was Scottish. That was like groundskeeper Willie. I'm going to call. Can I tell you one of the funniest things I ever did? It was a video called Axagon where it was Arnold Schwarzenegger and he did a spray to make his accent go away. Me and Oren Brimmer did it. And it was like, so it was like, hi, I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is a spray that makes your accent go away and it works great. Wow. It like keeps creeping in. So he's like, thanks to Axagon, it's dominated. It like keeps. I wish you weren't texting. God. I'm sorry. I was texting Arnold to see if I could call him. I don't know him well enough. I had him on my pod once and I don't know him well enough. You didn't have him. Yes. I did. Wow. You don't think he likes when people do impressions of him? He's an icon. I don't mind people doing impressions of him. I want to call him and see if he's vegan and see if he'll talk about it. That's true. And I just think that would be cool. I'm telling you I'm vegan. I don't need meat anymore. Oh, let me turn my alerts on. What is this? I've never texted him before. The only reason I have his number. Did he text you back? Yeah. Just now? What did he say? He said, sure. You're going to call him? I didn't say. Yeah. I mean, yeah. All right. Oh. I'm like, I'm actually nervous. Yeah. Hey. Hello. Hey, thank you. I didn't tell you that I'm on a podcast with a friend. I don't know if you know who Pete Holmes is, but he told me that you're vegan. Yeah. Yeah. I love Pete. What? This is, is this AI? No. Hi. How are you, Pete? Good to hear you. It's an honor. I love you. This is awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love you. I love you. Comedy jokes. You know? Yeah. No way. I can't believe this. Yeah. Yeah. How are you doing? Thank you. This is awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're just, we're just wondering if you're plant-based. Yeah. Plant. Yeah. Plant-based. Everybody who's ever lived, you know, they are plant-based because, you know, won't be If you wanted to eat something, you know, you go outside, eat the little leaves and the grass and this and that, and then this, when you first, you know, climb out of the primordial ooze, you know, you couldn't go and, you know, order a, you know, a chicken salad from, you know, kitchen or whatever, you know, you can't go and get a, you know, steak. It's more than steakhouse roosteress, you know, but, you know, this is a, this is a this ancient way to eat, you know, now, so many years later, I've returned to this. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Happy to know it. Yeah. I got, uh, uh, me and Rick, we're, uh, planning, uh, uh, bodybuilding, uh, bodybuilding and comedy show where you, you, you pose and you tell jokes. No, I'm kidding. This is a joke. Uh, what about the new season of FUBU? That's on Netflix now, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Netflix. Yeah. They, I made the, all the executives pledged to only eat plant-based. Wow. So, you know, they're getting back to me on this. They'll be back. And anything, anything that you want to plug, uh, seven tools of life. Are you doing another book like that? Yeah. It's called seven tools of life plus one. What is that plus one? Uh, hammer. All right. Thanks for, thanks for letting us give you a call, Arnold. Okay. Okay. Ricky, take it easy. Bye Pete. Bye Arnold. Weird that he said, take it easy instead of Asa La Vista. I mean, he is, he, maybe he is vegan now. That was incredible. We were talking about Jesus. Are you talking about Jesus? Um, careful. You might get a boner. It's just incredibly erotic. I find that to no, you can just have that up. I think it's funny because of the context of it. Yeah. So I bought that on eBay and it had a signature and I didn't believe it was her signature. And I asked her and she said it wasn't. So then she signed it for real. It's clearly not. Yeah. But, but these people are selling naked pictures of people and having fake signatures. I don't mean that. I just mean like, yeah, I'm not surprised. You know, people ask me to sign stuff and I am particular with what I'm willing to sign. And one of the things I don't sign is that I'm not willing to sign stuff. Is a blank piece of paper. And I'd like to tell you why. I dated a woman once and she told me that she doesn't sign blank pieces of paper. And the reason made sense to me. And even though I don't have that same fear, I don't like this possibility. Here it is. She wants to sign something or knew somebody that signed something. And then they printed a naked, fake, naked picture of that person. But it was their real autograph, which almost makes it as if, hey, I, it's like signing a contract or signing a contract. It's like signing a check before there's a written number on it. So it's the confluence of like the oldest thing in the world, which is like, if your name is on something, it must be real. And the newest thing in the world, which is I used a computer to make you naked. Yeah. Well, there's some newer stuff. Huh? There's newer stuff than being made naked on the computer. What do you mean? I just don't mean, I don't know what you mean. I know there is, but what do you mean? Well, that came out being naked on a computer that's not real. I mean, probably 20 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. But now you can. I didn't ask AI to do it, so. Gross. Really? I think so. You get the handjob, but you draw the line at a. You're talking about from a happy ending? Yeah. This is a hypothetical, by the way. If I'm getting a massage, I love massages. And there's often a part of me that feels when they go a little, and I don't take off my, my underpants when I get a massage. I just don't. Take off your shoes, leave on your undies. Yeah. I think when you take off your underpants, you're inviting them to jerk you off, eat your ass, suck you off, fuck you, stuff like that. I just feel like. At the risk of sounding like a snob, like any place that's nice isn't going to offer you that. And it doesn't matter if you're naked. Okay. I don't like your response. It made me kind of feel sad for you. Say it again. I feel like most reputable places, massage envy. You go there, you take all your clothes off. They're not going to do that. Okay. Edit in my original okay. It's so funny. But zoom in on it. You're so funny. I, and I need a third use of that. Okay. At some point, please. Okay. Do you feel, have you ever gotten a happy ending from a massage place? No. Have you ever been masturbated by another person who has also given you a massage first? Like a partner, a romantic partner? Sure. No. Never. I don't know why I asked for the clarification. Yeah. I've done it, but not with a romantic partner. Just somebody that I was hooking up with. I mean, I don't feel like massage, massage is in one category. I think I've maybe massaged a partner that led to. I plan based. I don't know what you're saying. I'm plan based. You don't see a connection in massaging somebody and then getting busy with them? I do. I just think I've so trained my, a part of my brain to be like massage time, not erotic time. So to me, massages don't equate to eroticism. However, being relaxed and. Being present in a moment and in touch with my body. Completely agree. That's a great place to get hard. I understand. So we're here. We're queer. Can I tell you something? And we are going somewhere. Yes. Can I tell you something in deep sincerity? Breathwork that leads to intercourse. Chef's kiss. Cut to a clip. But it's Arnold being like, I love kale. I was just picturing you doing breathwork and then getting. Oh, yeah. Do you have that? We'll blur it. okay if there was a video of you um if doing when there's a video of you doing breath work and then getting busy with a partner and if it were to have gotten leaked and the public knows that this is an invasion of your privacy this isn't that you're creepy it's oh that sucks that that happened to pete i like that that's their take yes is there any part of you that feels like look at that though i on my best day let's say i'm dying and i'm letting it all go that's your best day no i just mean like the most surrender the most just like who cares about anything i would be like you know what at least i showed the world that breath work is a great companion to sex and i'm going to tell you another one because i feel like you're going to like it getting your feet above your heart for 15 minutes puts you in your parents' shoes what is this dr huberman what am i dr dr andrew huberman i'm just saying this thing is a perfect if you laid on the ground you never would but if you did put your feet up there on the ground yeah okay it's just getting your ass eaten it's just getting your ass eaten dr huberman it's a very funny choice to be mad and kind of i said yeah yeah that was very good if you get your feet above your heart like on a chair you're laying on the ground 15 minutes changes everything i do it before i go on stage and i do it when i do breath work so i'll do it on stage i'll do it on stage because let's face it not much is happening up there i don't think that that's true i think that you are stand up for yourself believable stand up for yourself you stand up for yourself i think you're very intentional on stage i think for somebody who is free associates as much as you do it's interesting to see a comedian up there who has decided what he wants to say beforehand oh that's interesting yeah i don't play a lot of grab ass when i do my stand-up yeah i your stand-up um i'll riff with very different than this that's true but i will riff within but usually because i as your professional i appreciate that it's weird i was talking to my wife last night about this where brag i'm glad you guys are getting along again with all the jerking off that you've been doing at the four seasons after breath work listen um i like my stand-up and that's taken a long time to get to that place where i'm like if i forget the bit and i watch a clip of it like if i watch an old i'll be like you're in the audience i like this i like what he's doing and i'm not that way with everything i think people think i am pretty good at loving myself self-love that sort of thing after breath work uh but like i'm proud of that we had that conversation last night i was like that this feels good it feels i've been doing stand-up for like 25 years and i've gotten to a i could see how someone might not like it but i'm like i like it i would like that and that that's like i understand that good thing i've been doing stand-up for 18 years and i always felt like i will be good at this in the past at most two years but this past year since when i've been touring a lot i didn't feel like i'm good at this and i uh i never felt insecure that i wasn't good because i knew i would be yeah i believed i would be and still maybe i'm not but just this feeling of it i get you wow i i i'm like yeah and i i love it it's made me like stand up a lot more yeah because it's now i feel something that is maybe arguably superficial but i feel valuable bro useful it's so good to feel useful i think i agree i think there's something a little bit more selfish of what i'm saying i know what you're saying i'm saying i'm saying like like i i have value to offer to these people where i didn't feel that way in the art form before i don't think that's selfish i think you have a gift to give and everybody has a gift to give i mean literally everybody and it's wonderful yeah the feeling of locking in and going i'm a parent i'm a partner i'm a friend it doesn't matter what the profession is but when you're doing what you're like wired to do and sharing what you're wired to share and have decided for better or for worse this is where you're going to put you're going to put yourself in a position where you're going to put yourself in a position a large percentage of your life into well what's beautiful is what you decide to put a large percentage of your life into happens to be the thing that you're wired to share right a lot of people not a lot of people well yeah actually a lot of people i think make the mistake and they go well this is valuable culturally and therefore i'll put meaning sustainable enough though where they end up getting to a point where they put in 20 years it can be i don't know that makes sense if they're in a job that maybe they don't mind that pays well or enough but i'm actually talking about people who see for example that stand-up comedy when i started was 2001 and it wasn't what it is now and a lot of the people that were starting was it felt more like dungeons and dragons it was like you know what i mean it was like misfits and broken toys going to open mics and now it really is a uh i'm grateful to see how it's exploded and as a result it becomes a little bit like the nba you get people who aren't good at basketball i'm not i'm not putting anybody down it's just not good i know you're good at basketball i just mean like someone like me for example when i was a kid i thought about being in the nba because michael jordan you know what i mean because it's what culture was celebrating yes and if you ended up playing basketball and getting good at it you would continue but if you weren't wired for that at some point you'd be like this ain't for me what's tricky though and you know this already is with stand-up we don't know if the basket's going in some people we're seeing it right now just buckets after buckets but tell me what you're saying facts but there are people that can you can elude yourself longer at things like acting writing stand-up why because there's so much time in between at bats that's a good i like that i think that's true but i also think there's just it's less um quantifiable whether or not you're doing well you know laughter you're some people bomb and they think they did well and that can last a long time and then there are people that do find success it doesn't mean you're not successful but there's some people that might find success and it's it's not written in their marrow to do it i just think if you're putting so much time into something for example and i've thought this about myself before i have been doing stand-up since 2007 i got to a point maybe 10 years in where i like doing stand-up i thought i would be good at it but i was curious is stand-up what i'm supposed to be doing i want to be creating something i want to be telling stories is it on stage is it in film is it plays is it a one-man show i didn't know but at a certain point you're like okay like like football players are unbelievably athletic by design not all sports carry a lot of athleticism i think on the other end of the spectrum might be bowling for example it's there's a there's skill involved and there's athleticism involved in that very niche thing but if you're going to be a football player there's a decent chance that you're you you can't just catch a football you you're also probably strong you're also probably quick you could jump high you know there's certain things so i've played basketball with football players and there was a time where i stopped playing basketball and i was like oh my god i'm gonna play basketball and i'm gonna play basketball with football players because they're so athletic but like just they they they hurt you they're playing too physical in a sport that's not meant for it yeah but i feel like you take a football player there's a decent chance that lebron could be in the nfl he might have been in the nfl and not played basketball right antonio gates didn't play he he went to college and he played maybe he played his freshman year but most of his college he didn't play football it was just basketball he's in the nfl if you're athletic you could be in the nfl yeah yeah yeah the analogy is if you're something and i don't know what that thing is if it's funny if it's if it's uh uh if you're an artist if you're an artist maybe you think you should be playing the piano or you should be a singer because you're able to do these a little bit but like at a certain point 10 years in i don't think you're gonna keep doing i don't know you know what i'm contradicting myself because i see stand-up comedians that have been doing it for a long time that are frustrated that they haven't become successful in their mind where i feel like well you know maybe i could be a little bit judgmental of what they do like this isn't for you so yeah maybe that makes sense you could keep all that that last two minutes in but i do think that's less about them as a comedian and more about their lack of self awareness it's interesting i i think uh hyper attunement self-awareness um sensitivity to so much of what comedy is to me yeah i think it's paramount to being an artist and i know i'm not saying that in any group like what's the word i'm looking for like pejorative it's always pejorative but when you say artists i go right to visual arts and that's not true with painting uh they're not painting to be hyper attuned with how it's being received with stand-up if they're if they're painting to express themselves they are what they choose to paint how they choose to do it i don't think they're as locked in i think a painter would agree with this it's not being co-created with the viewer stand-up is being co-created with the audience okay so the craft is not the voice i'm not saying on stage what i think the audience wants to hear that's not what i'm saying i'm saying what i want to say but their response i think the skill a majority of the skill arnold yes a majority of the skill is noticing where they are how they're feeling how did they understand me. Do they like it? Do they want more of that? Should I yell? Should I lower my voice? Should I be big? Where do you stand on musicians then? I think it's very similar to music. You're saying painting or stand-up? Stand-up is similar to music and the audience is the instrument. But what about musicians who are writing in their studios or in their home by themselves and then they bring it to an audience, but they're still creating the thing. But why does the music change when they start playing it live? I'm not saying there is an influence, but I'm talking about the intention. I see what you're saying. I see what you're arguing now. It's possible to consider the response. But what a stand-up is doing, they're doing that live. So maybe if you painted live and you put a swoop of orange and they're titillated and you're like, oh, more orange. I am doing more orange. They're maybe projecting a future where somebody who likes orange might see it. Just different timelines. I believe that when people get into any type of art, they're doing it because they feel some type of meditative feeling, some type of expression. They're learning something about themselves and or what they're interested in. And I guess if you'd have somebody who's painting an apple, I don't know enough painters, but I think that when we're moved by something that we see or that we hear, it's in part projection of what we think the artist was doing and in part where we connect to that. Without a doubt, I'm talking about the experience of the painter. My experience as a comedian is in large part informed by the sounds I'm hearing. In the same way that our conversation is informed. That's why I keep remarking on your face when he laughs. The vibe. I agree with that. That's my talent. I think that's my main talent. I do like the way I write jokes. I like the way I structure hours. All of that is great. But what makes, if I may, I think what makes me special, in all the ways that a comedian can be special, what makes me special is my attunement. That's all I'm saying. And I don't think you can be attuned if they're not there. You can attune with a phantom, an idea. But the point of this, the conversation was, at what point does somebody who is doing something that they want to do, but what you're saying, maybe they're not wired for that thing. Yes. At what point are they realizing maybe this isn't for me? And that doesn't mean that if you're doing stand-up, that performing isn't for you. Yeah. But maybe. Maybe it is theater. Yeah. Maybe it's not with the number one priority being laughs. Now you're helping me stick the landing on the point I was trying to make, which is, what's culturally valuable is comedy. So you're a creator. Let's take this example of a fake guy named Steve. Steve is creative. And then he looks at the landscape of our culture, which you can't help but do and go, oh, look, comedians have podcasts. Comedians are celebrated. Comedians are paid. So they might be more likely to try stand-up or podcasting. Like when people go to law school because they think that's something that can make a money. Exactly. Right. But what I like to encourage people is go, just because poetry isn't having a moment doesn't mean you're not a poet. So you should try to transcend what's happening culturally. But if you're a poet, and you're good at it, maybe you won't know how great you are if you don't do it with music behind it. Maybe you're a songwriter, is what I'm saying. That's fair. I think we're saying different things. What I'm saying is, you have an ability, and you're practicing that ability. If that ability doesn't translate. If a football player shouldn't play football, but should play basketball, that's what I'm saying. But if you're really athletic, chances are you want to find some sport. So if you are on stage and you're loving it, but it's not working for whatever reason. If you're a poet, I'm saying you're still working on the muscle. You just haven't framed it for yourself. Yeah, that's right. And you could actually make the other point. You could look at culture and say, I'm a creative person. I think I could play football or basketball, like what you're saying. And then look at what's having a moment, and it would be totally valid to lean into that. That's what social media has become. Finding the trends of things, and you're writing for the algorithm. So I'm saying both. I'm saying, I understand the savvy. Do you think it might make more sense if you better defined your boundaries? In life. Okay. Can I pee real quick? Yeah, you know, it's funny. I mentioned this once to somebody. You could go, on a podcast about you, because last time, you didn't ask me. You just said, I have to go pee, and you went, and I loved it. I'm learning, you're rubbing off on me. I don't. Bars in tone? Here you go. Here's your harmonica. Am I? I think I'm cutting my head off, and that, I'll lower it. We don't have to change it, but am I right? Or am I in? Ah, you're, it's right on the tip. Just the? Are you okay with him there? Yeah. Okay. I'm like, I'm aware of it. Isn't that life? It's like, so there's a dog, and you're like, oh, I'm aware of this dog. Like a thought, maybe you don't want, or a feeling, and then the answer is always like, welcome it. Just pet the dog. You're saying it's always that way when it's a dog, or just thoughts in general? No, a lot of times, it's sort of a paradox, but the way to get rid of a thought, or a feeling, is to allow it, you know. Isn't that what meditation is? That's what I'm saying. Meditation is like a universal yes to all things. Do you feel that improvisers would make good meditators, and vice versa? And why? Well, it's funny, I do think someone like you does have, even though, you know, your brain is very active, high processing and all that, I think there's a good opportunity to, I think you would be good at it. I've tried it, I don't quite understand what it means enough. At least consciously, like, maybe I've done stuff that's meditation, but like, I've listened to apps that have done it and walked me through things, and I think I liked it. The same way I like, you know, doing some stuff that I don't keep doing. Yeah, I understand. But I don't think I've allowed myself to recognize the benefit enough of it. Well, you're bringing out this side of me, which is fine. Okay. I'm into it, but you let me know when you're done. The mind, meaning your thinking mind, the object-knowing mind, your brain will never understand meditation, because it's not really for your mind. Your mind knows objects. It knows things. It knows me right now. It knows my voice. It knows the contents of what I'm saying. It analyzes it. It has opinions and takes. Meditation is like, a good metaphor is the screen and the movie, right? The screen is what you're resting as when you're meditating. The movie is stuff of your mind. Which is the ultrasound. Very good. You're asking, to meditate is like being a character in a movie and saying, I'm now going to become aware of this. Yeah, it's separating it, right? No. Isn't, my understanding of it was, is recognizing it's like, the fact that thoughts are something that we are quite literally creating. I didn't mean to say no so quickly. Yeah, that's fair. But really think about if we were characters on a movie, in a movie. Single game? See, this is why I don't want to talk about, no, no, I don't mean it. I am not negating. No, no, I don't mean it like that. That's what I would say if I was frustrated. Like this is why, but what I mean is. Fuck you, is what I would say if I was angry. But I really want you to hear this because it's a compliment. I don't really like explaining spiritual things to you because you're so funny. It's like going to Burger King and talking about kale salad. I just, let's just eat Burger King. But why can't we talk about kale salad? We can't. We can. You're just so funny. I appreciate that. I just mean like, okay, we'll do it and you just keep those jokes coming because they're so good. Okay. Don't let me get too serious is all I'm saying. I mean, that's a blanketed statement. It really is. What? That's a blanketed statement. Your blanket just fell. Oh. But sincerity and comedy are not mutually exclusive. And I've said that many times. I agree. As much as I've said it's not a blanketed statement when the blanket falls. I'm going to sneeze. Don't. I will? Don't. Go like this. Does that work? That's what cartoon characters do. No, I know. And they also shower like this. But I'm not going to do that. Yes, they do. Okay. So anyway, I really think if you sat with the idea that the mind isn't invited into the room of meditation. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Very good. That your experience is appearing in what we could call a field. Like a knowing field. I'm not following that part. Close your eyes. You hear my voice. Where does it appear in your experience? I'm picturing you on the couch. Don't picture it. Where is it? Where are you experiencing it? Could you reframe the question? Couldn't be more literal. Where is this experience happening for you? Well, I mean, it feels like in the room, but in my mind, I guess. Okay, like in the mind, but you could just say in your awareness? Sure, but as it is when my eyes are open. Oh. It's appearing in what we can imagine to be like the empty space of this room. You are a field of awareness. I don't mean literally. I mean in your experience. The sound of my voice is appearing in this field of awareness. Hold on, we're not done. It sounds like you're just data. It's not data. It's your experience. Or you tell me if it's your experience. I'm sorry. I know you want me to keep my eyes closed. I think I'm just confused. Well, we're going to keep going and see if we get anywhere. Okay. Not anywhere because we're already there and there's nothing to do. So it's fine. The dog is on your lap. You feel the weight of the dog. Where are you experiencing the feeling that you call the weight of the dog? On my lap and my arm. That's all concepts. Let's imagine you were just born. You've never had an experience. You don't know you're a person. You don't know you have a body. Right here. Here. Great. Great. That was actually really exciting for me for you to say here. Because here. Everything experiences here. So I'm over here. And say something in your own voice. Say hello. How are you? Okay. So that's closer. That was great. That's closer to you. But both the snapping, which is at a distance from you, and the ruff ruff that you just said, both happened here. I'm going to say for you to investigate, as, as a meditation, which would might be more engaging to you. Where, who or what is aware of this experience? Where are these experiences happening? What are these experiences made of? Because I would invite you to consider that they're made of the knowing of them. We think the sound of my voice is going in your ear and coming in your brain and being interpreted. It's just happening in this empty space, like field of knowing emptiness that we could call awareness. I'm. I believe I'm capable of understanding what you're saying. I'm not, but I'm not right now. I, I hear that. And I think, I actually think that's a really beautiful thing to say. I don't, let's stop thinking about it. And just go back to dancing. No, you could go back to it. It's something that's available because I'm doing it with you as I'm talking about it. It's like my own voice. And this is the kind of experiences people have on drugs and stuff. So my own voice and your voice, if both of our eyes are closed, uh, appear in the same place, they're in the same naked, empty crackling light, like aware presence. And when we meditate, we rest as that. It's like a character in a movie realizing that they are the ground of being is the screen. And so is everything else. It's all written on knowing presence. It's present and it's aware. And that brings us back to what I was going to say about the Bible. There's only, there's a couple of parts that I'm really passionate about. One is when Moses meets God, the burning bush, God says, I am that I am right. That's season one. That's season one. Season one, episode one is the pilot. I am that I am is maybe the most elegant, most brilliant, profound way of summarizing. I am what I am. I am that I am. I am, so therefore I am. Popeye said I am what I am. But does that mean I am, therefore I am? It means I am, I am. Right. And guess what? Amen. Amen. Or a woman. I don't. A woman. My church is so feminist. If at the end of your prayers you say a woman, you might be in a feminist church. This is the comedy I like. If the grape juice they serve is a wine cooler, you might be in a feminist church. If the baptismal allows a two piece. You might be in a feminist church. If they call the pew the this smells nice. If they call the hymns hers, you might be in a feminist church. Great. You know, when you did the pews as in smells good, I thought that's great, but that's the furthest. Yeah. And then you found him hers, which would have I would have thought have been one of the first or second ones. It's obvious that you didn't find, which I think is interesting for two reasons. One, consciously, that wouldn't be the order you would choose. I know. And two, that means you were at the end where you could then stop thinking, but your mind was seeing if there's anything else. And there was something obvious that you missed. And you being done didn't let you miss like checking over there. Yeah. And I think that comes from a place of trusting yourself, of finding stuff. I love finding stuff. Yeah. And I love when people find stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Connected, honest conversation isn't this isn't what makes it, but it's necessary for it to be able like an acting and some acting advice. One may have heard or if not, here you go is the character that you're playing doesn't know what he's going to say unless the character has something planned to say. But oftentimes you just trust that you're going to find and it's just going to unravel. And I think that when doing jokes or even more vague when playing, the ability to trust the way you play is okay. At least lets you find stuff because you're not afraid to not find it. You know, I guess not afraid to fail as well. Smith would say, love the guy and the man's failed and look at him now. He's a rapper again. So when somebody is playful and they find stuff, you are you ever on stage? You say something that you've never said before and it's funny and you'll use it again. Sometimes you say something's funny that you never said before. Maybe you'll never use it again, but you get so fucking psyched that you found it like you jumped off something and landed on your feet. And I can't believe I landed my watching other people find stuff gets me fucking amped. Yeah. You're not saying I love it. So when you were doing those things and finding them, I was just like, go, go, you know, it was funny, but it wasn't even about funny. It was just like, no, we like watching people. We like life. Life energy. And like I mentioned, Michael Jordan, we like watching people struggle, experiment and persevere. It's so fun. That's why we love Shark Tank and American Idol. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I'm being serious. Yeah, it does. Absolutely. And that is. Yeah, I agree with you. Cut to Shark Tank. Cut to American Idol. Show a whole episode of each. This is just a pitch. A whole episode of Shark Tank. And also we got to film this pilot. Which one? The amend. Because I am. Right. Genesis 1-1. Yeah. And we could get. What's his name? With the drummer to score it. Lars Ulrich. No. You know what I'm talking about? I think his name starts with a P. Phil Collins. Phil Collins. Oh, I thought you were saying those sound effects start with P. That was very funny. That in the air tonight drum fill, which is without a doubt the most. Famous drug drum fill of all time. No symbol at the end. But it is a part of the metaphor. But isn't that its own symbol? That we could stand out by being recognizable. Wow. Symbol. Played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas. What if I start crying? I'd love it. I don't get it. Simba. Oh, Simba. Simba. I have a lion cub. It's going to take over for me. Beautiful vice president lion. Here's your clip. Don't clip me, bro. I was convinced that you were going to keep doing it. And so was I. And I was wondering how long it would go. I don't think that would be good for us. Our bodies or our audience? Our bodies. Yeah, it didn't feel great. No. That's why I was thinking about how long would this go? 29. Can't believe you're 29. Okay. Okay. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Yeah. Faheem Anwar once made a clip or video or something where it used the transition shot from Home Improvement. Oh, that's fun. He said he downloaded this Home Improvement transition shot package. And I believed him. And then a day or two later, I was thinking about it. I'm like, there's no way he really did. And I still don't know. Yeah, you don't know. Because I'm sure that exists. Yeah. But I think he was just making fun of like, oh, I want to start using these transitions. I hope he does. Home Improvement is one of those shows that is just on the cusp of I know it, but I didn't watch it enough. I know what you mean. Like, you know, I've probably seen 30 episodes of it. Yeah. And as a 29 year old, I can't believe you've seen any. Oh, I mean, I love Lucy. I've just watched stuff that's in the past. Yeah. Nick at night. Yeah. You know, it's crazy. Now Nick at night is like Fresh Prince. Where are they showing the stuff that used to be Nick at night? Nick at you dead, bitch. I don't think I get it. You're so old. You're dead. Oh, dead. I heard dead. Yeah. Oh, Nick at night night. Nick at night night. Late night. What is what was when Conan was on after the late late show? Nick at night night. I don't think he was on the late late show. Conan was on after Letterman. Oh, and that was called. Pull up a picture of two black guys that look alike. Very good. Thanks. Very, very good. Sometimes things don't matter. But there is a place that needs to be filled. Does that make sense to you? Mm hmm. So like I knew what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask that question. I didn't want to unlock it. luck i didn't want to go through it but at this point something has to be said so i just said something sure because otherwise i would have gone like this never mind and then it kills the momentum and i don't mean even necessarily for the audience i just mean in the play who are you dating that signs autographs i mean i've dated a fair amount of women that i mean whenever they pay for a meal on their credit card or as macaulay culkin would say credit card you got it i'm gonna correct that a little bit credit card you got it yeah that was uh what's his name's audition but he didn't get it credit card you got it you know that that talk can i be the voice and hum along andre please andre i can be the talk boy let me be the talk boy credit card you got it why would kevin mccallister have a french accent i do not have a french accent i didn't even know he was french of course i'm french oh it's you what do you mean it's me you said i'm instead of he of course i am of course did you know andre the giant is the giant a french name lejano andre lejano it's like shia labeouf's name is shia the beef that'll never not make me happy on i think he's so talented shia yeah he's great i wonder what would have happened with the work that he does or would have done had there not been so much buzz around him being just like oh what's up i'm the beef because i really think from even stevens he has always been an unbelievably talented actor well i was it labeouf fatigue because i mean he was in remember when he was in crystal skull which wasn't my favorite wasn't your favorite movie of his or wasn't your favorite indiana jones indiana jones of course it wasn't but it also just wasn't my favorite that's just a nice way of saying wasn't for me sure i i doesn't take away from i remember people so he was a little bit hurt shia labeouf was a little bit hurt by i think spielberg's wasn't it spielberg i don't know i imagine i mean i'm sure he was at least a producer on it remember okay well then maybe it wasn't spielberg but it was somebody saying like we're gonna imply that shia labeouf is gonna be indiana jones remember he picks up the hat he's gonna put it on he goes not yet on he goes not yet kid yeah i was i remember how could they time that i sympathize how could they time what the the air the the naming the coronating of a new indiana jones but i remember the the vibe being like don't the vibe ended up being like we actually just want more harrison ford but it's like labeouf got some of the guff shia labeouf from that's where shia labeouf comes as if he was like writing it like tell them that i'm the next indian remember i think he got dragged i mean people are probably upset that chris evans wasn't going to be captain america anymore but that's just people being upset for the characters that they know and played by the actors that they saw them as i don't remember it being a thing i don't think i have a hard time believing that the reason shia labeouf his momentum stopped if you call it stopped i guess whatever it was i don't think that helped was that they were saying we know how you feel about shia labeouf and you want him to be indiana jones but that has more to do with indiana jones than it does to do with shia labeouf that's what i'm saying i'm saying it's unfair yeah i don't think that's what it was i think it was that there was there was like some i don't even remember what it was so i don't want to just say a thing but like there was an issue that happened yeah there was something yeah where then it kind of like oh something happened yeah i don't remember either have you heard that story of in in um fury is it is that the movie um what fury yeah we'll wrap it up with this uh the the the tank movie with uh yeah yeah um b-pit and i guess like uh and barenthal yeah and he pulled a tooth out he shied it yeah he like pulled an actual tooth out in front of them to get him like all everybody amped up and like blood and stuff i think the story was told by barenthal right have you heard this i think john barenthal loves shia labeouf and i think that's been part of the rebuffing the labeouf name like they've been trying to be like flawed person right shia labeouf pulled his tooth out on fury just texting arnold see if you knew about this yeah i remember we were on set and shia labeouf pulled out one of his teeth went to shocking extremes for his role in fury whatever who knows if it's real is that how you want to end with just kind of like an existential who knows what what's real was i even on the show theme music is that it yeah we can come back anything you want to plug yeah go to pete homestack com for my tour dates that's p-e-t-e h-o-l-m-e-s a lot of people think it's with an a i am going to be dropping probably around the time this comes out it's probably already out i have a special on youtube is this the one that is off of netflix no but that one might be on there as well what's that one called again that one's called i'm not for everybody okay oh and that was on netflix it's no longer on netflix it's now on youtube i think so and you're putting out a new special on youtube that'll definitely be on there and that's called silly silly fun boy and you've recorded it already yes and you're happy yes silly silly fun boy i hope people like it question for you yeah did you choose youtube for your own intentional reasons or were there too many obstacles to have it someplace else um we did shop it around other places we got uh some passes full slates that sort of stuff what is oh yeah full slate yeah they already have their specials for the year so it's like we didn't want to wait a year and then we also i i am interested it's my first youtube special i'm interested in the what they call the barrier to entry there's no barrier to entry i i feel the same way i feel that that you have one has the possibly unless it's a big name and they're pushing it on the cover of a thing and by big name i mean like if it's chapelle or something i knew even um that youtube i think gives you the best chance not of making money not of even breaking even but of getting the most people to see it unless which this isn't you um it gets 18 plus which a lot of them do you mean naughty yeah yeah oh no i am 18 plus no i don't i mean 18 plus like will youtube flag it for 18 plus for example in this episode we're saying some swear words and come on back yes but that wasn't intended so i think it's not gonna it's chance or it's not gonna get an 18 plus mark no we're doing that we're uploading it first getting it cleared and if it doesn't then you know yeah because you don't want them to be logged need to be logged in to watch it and also the algorithm won't push it it's such an interesting way of like saying like well youtube lets us go up there uncensored where it's quite censored they're stopping people from seeing it if they want to um it happened to fahim so let's plug his special here let's throw up this thumbnail i don't remember what it's called but it like i think i don't think it happened until like a few days in so it already started like they were okay with it oh interesting yeah oh yikes yeah and then a few days later it gets hit with 18 plus and then it just stops pushing it to people that's that's rough that's really bad but yeah i don't imagine that ever being a case for you you're not a you're a relatively clean i think of you as a people think of me as a clean comic but i do talk about sex and yeah i still think of you as a you could go to his show parents and children right kids i mean saying like i don't think a kid uh yeah i don't think 18 years old is a good thing but i think that's fair i think that's fair i don't think 18 years old is a good thing but they'll they'll be like a little you know some stuff nope no not possible that hand job story i told it was so light i appreciate that because you didn't get jerked off facts if you did get jerked off i think it would be 18 plus 18 plus just consider the sound of my voice the thought saying happy birthday in your head that's appearing in the same here and there and i think that's fair i think that's fair i think that's fair i think that's fair hear as the sound of my voice the feeling of your butt on the chair in fact there is no feeling of your butt on the chair there's no feeling of butt or chair there's just raw sensation but just notice thought feeling sensation sound all of it is occurring in the same dimensionless empty space and when you know yourself to be that you can recognize the peace you can recognize the peace you can recognize the peace and happiness that you are and happiness that you are and happiness that you are we'll see you next time i'm gonna put my shoes on hold on i have to take a polaroid of you hold on i have to take a polaroid of you hold on i have to take a polaroid of you he's asleep Thank you. Pete? Pete? Oh, wow, you're right. He, he, he, he, he. Skinner, better, better, better, better.