Perseus & the Crazy Things that Emerge When You Behead a Gorgon

Hey nerds, quick bit of enormous news. I am so excited to say that I have a new book coming out in June of this year, and not only is it just a new book, but it is a fully illustrated retelling of the Odyssey. It's aimed at children 9-12, but don't let that fool you. It's a shortened retelling, but I kept it true to the original in every way that matters. Check out the link in the episode's description for where to pre-order or just ask your local independent bookstore. Hello again. This is Let's Talk About Myths Baby, and I am live a absolute crazy person when it comes to Greek mythology who just wants to talk about it all the time. I wanted to release another episode immediately, or rather at the same time as the first one, because the first episode I released, the introduction to everything, is really just that in introduction. It's less of a story than I'd like the rest of the podcast to be. I wanted to put it out first because it is the beginning. It is where most of the gods came from and where mythology kind of, not mythology got to start, but you know it's the beginning of everything. It's the Old Testament. I don't know the Bible. It's whatever came first. I'm assuming it's the Old Testament because chronologically that just makes sense. In any case, that's why I wanted to release another one. And so here we go. I chose Perseus because, well, mainly I wanted to start with something that isn't all about the gods fucking over women or being rapy or the various other troubling things they tend to do. That's not to say this story doesn't have those elements because that's mythology, but as far as heroes go, Perseus was a pretty decent dude. So we'll start with him and then get darker from there because it's going to get darker. Episode 2. Perseus and the crazy things that emerge when you behead a Gorgon. The story of Perseus starts in the city of Argos, where there's a king named Acriseus. Now, Acriseus, like so many misguided men in ancient Greece, decides he wants to see the Oracle to find out his future. Or at least he wants to know if there's anything he should be watching out for. Of course, like all other people who seek wisdom from the Oracle, Acriseus does not hear great stuff. The Oracle tells Acriseus that he will be killed by a grandchild. Acriseus only has one daughter, Danny. So immediately he's like, "Oh shit, how can I keep this woman from procreating?" His solution? Lock her up in a tower, obviously. So poor Danny is just stuck in her room, the tower, all the time. But see, Danny is also a super hot woman, and so you guessed it, that means Mr. King of the Gods Zeus himself comes a colon. In future episodes we'll learn just how frequently Zeus comes a colon to mortal women just because they're hot. But for now I wanted to start this podcast off with a lighter side, as I said, rather than retelling all the women Zeus has raped and/or kidnapped and/or had consensual sex with, but ultimately ruined the woman somehow anyway. That'll come later. Zeus see likes things he can't have because he's straight up creepy, and he devises what maybe the most creative way to have sex with a woman? On top of being possibly the most creative though, it's also the least romantic, least personal, and absolutely weirdest manner imaginable. Thankfully, this is an instance where it's actually not described as rape, so that's a plus. Often it is. I like to think Danny was just feeling super horny, having been locked up in that room, and so also super kinky, and she was just totally down for this super weird union. So Zeus comes to Danny as a shower of gold. Let's leave that let it sink in. Not to be confused with the golden shower. See, this shower of literal gold pours down from the ceiling and travels straight up her you know where. And it turns out gold includes super strong god sperm apparently because Danny gets pregnant immediately. When she finally gives birth, she names the baby Perseus. You might recall our hero Perseus from the stop motion heavy 80s movie clash of the Titans, or it's equally crazy though with better special effects remake. Sam Worthington, thank god you're pretty. But with this new baby is the prophesized killer grandchild, and King of Cricius knows he's in big trouble. It's not clear if he knows this is a child of Zeus, which would of course make the baby like a hundred times more dangerous, or if a Cricius is just thinking of the prophecy and Worring he'll be killed by this newborn. Either way, Cricius knows he's gotta do something. The problem is that it would be a bigger issue in terms of punishment from the gods if Cricius were to kill the baby because the gods surprisingly don't like that. In Phantasyd is considered one of the biggest no-nose along with cannibalism and killing your parents though as we've learned in the earlier episode that also happens with the gods. The gods have some standards but they don't apply to themselves. So since Cricius knows that straight up killing the baby would result in the gods being super pissed, instead he locks the baby and Dane in a wooden chest and sends them out to sea. Because that's not killing them at all. It's totally different. It's way more benevolent. He's basically their savior. Cricius likely assumes this chest will sink, making it even more unbelievable that he wasn't actually trying to kill them, but there you have it. Unfortunately for poor murderous Cricius, the chest floats about as well as Robert Durst's final victim. Are we past Jink's jokes being funny? I'm going with it anyway. I only just watched it. I was really behind the times. Luckily for the mother and son, Dane and Perseus wash up on the shores of the island of Serafos. And they are found by a fisherman named Dictus. Dictus is a super nice dude and he takes Dane and Perseus into his home. Ultimately he raises Perseus as if he were his own son and he's a really good dude. Dictus, good guy though he is, happens to also be the brother of Polydectes, who is the king of the island and is not a good dude. What I'm not clear on is why the brother of the king is a poor fisherman. But there you go. I think it says a little something about Polydectes. Perseus grows up without issue. He has his mother, Dane and Dictus' father figure and he becomes the super strong badass demigod hero we all want him to be. When he's grown though, Polydectes, the king, decides that he's in love with Dane. I say decides because you rarely know what these people. 90% chance it's a forceful affection and not at all mutual. I said affection weird, it's the air quotes that you can't translate into podcasts, you're welcome. Perseus doesn't think that Polydectes is good enough for his mother, rightly so, and he tries to keep them apart. I like to assume Dane absolutely agrees with this and also wants something to do with Polydectes and that it wasn't her son controlling everything, whatever. This is of course not clear in the myth because it's all about men and women are basically just accessories, so I extrapolate because feminism. Polydectes, unsurprisingly, is not a big fan of Perseus' decision to keep Dane away. And like many kings and rulers throughout history, Polydectes decides his best course of action is to just get rid of the problem. So Polydectes decides he needs Perseus off the island entirely, just out of the way. He decides to do this by disgracing Perseus publicly. Disgraces a pretty big deal in ancient Greece and Polydectes assumes that this will force Perseus to leave the island under the guise of it being Perseus' own decision. Polydectes had nothing to do with it, he was so embarrassed he left. So Polydectes' plan is to claim what he intends to marry another woman other than Perseus' mama and he holds a banquet for the kingdom to celebrate. For this banquet, he requests horses as gifts from all the guests. You know, as you do, my next host party I'm asking everyone to bring me puppies because that's the thing now, right? Seriously, I want puppies. Perseus, though, doesn't have a horse to give the cheap bastard, but being a good guest and very happy that Polydectes will be leaving his mother alone once he's married to this other woman, Perseus asks Polydectes to name another gift, any other gift and Perseus won't refuse. Now, Polydectes is a reasonable man, and so he requests that Perseus bring him the Gorgon Medusa's head because this is obviously the most rational backup gift to a horse. Even though the old thing can't give a man a horse, give him a Gorgon's head instead. It even rhymes. It's important to note here that Medusa is the only Gorgon who's actually mortal. There are three Gorgon sisters, but for some reason two of them are immortal, whereas Medusa can be killed. So if you think about it, Polydectes really did Perseus a favor. Though Medusa is also the only Gorgon whose eyes turn people to stone, so maybe it's a gush. See, like I said, her gaze turns people to stone. And she is snakes for hair, so she's awesome, but she's pretty intimidating. Perseus being an honorable young man manages to avoid telling polydecties what a psycho he is, and he plans to actually complete this totally bananas quest. In order to do this, he seeks help from Athena, who's more than happy to lend a hand. Athena may be a badass female, wise virgin goddess in all around powerhouse, but she basically only ever helps men and hurts women, because you know, patriarchy, or rather these stories were mostly probably by men. On top of this generally shitty habit of hers, Athena is also just aching to punish Medusa. For something Medusa absolutely had no fault in, and is actually just a victim of herself. I'm going to go into detail in a future episode, but frankly, Athena is being a real bitch, because long story short, Medusa was raped in Athena's temple by Poseidon, and the person Athena wants to exact revenge on his Medusa. So it's basically ancient victim blaming to the nth degree. So ignoring this, Athena helps Perseus on his quest, and she tells him to seek the Hesperides. The Hesperides are nymphs who guide the Garden of Hera, where the Golden Apples grow. Athena tells Perseus that he should go to the Hesperides for weapons that he can use to defeat Medusa. But to find the Hesperides, Perseus needs the Grey Eye, who are three sisters of the aforementioned Gorgons, one of which Perseus is seeking to behead a small world, and to add yet another layer. To find the Grey Eye, Perseus is told he should go ask the Titan Atlas, and wears Atlas. Well, as we learned last time, he's at the western edge of the world, because if you remember, he's holding the world on his back. That's when I made the really bad Atlas Shrug joke, Ayn Rand. You know, it was awful. I've never actually read her. Thank God. So Perseus heads west, and he finds Atlas, and Atlas tells him where to find the Grey Eye. Atlas seems to be the easiest person Perseus has to deal with on this journey, saying "person" and "Perseus" next to each other is really bad. Anyway, it's a bit of a relief. You know, it's kind of basic. I could probably have left it out, but then I wouldn't get to reference my own bad Atlas Shrug joke anyway. So with Atlas's information, Perseus now knows where to find the Grey Eye, and off he goes. Now the Grey Eye are a trio of women whom you might recall from that gem of an animated feature Hercules. And yes, I've mentioned Hercules in both episodes of this podcast, and I'm not done yet. Great movie. So much fun. If I could sing even slightly, I would give you a verse of Zero to Hero right now. I can't, but you can picture it. Back to the Grey Eye. They are three perpetually old women who are forced to share one eye and one tooth. Totally standard. They spend their time passing the eye and the tooth back and forth like very desirable potatoes. The fact that the animated movie didn't make up that fact is one of my favorite things about mythology. They share an eye and a tooth. Granted, the movie didn't include the tooth, but details details. The women sharing an eye was not a joke. Everybody did, however, conflate the Grey Eye with the Mawray, who are called the Fates, which is what they're called in Hercules. Anyway, they handle the measuring and the snipping of one's life thread. That's beside the point. In this case, the Grey Eye are just the ladies who share the eye, not the snipping. Persia speaks with the Grey Eye, and he asks them where he can find the disparities. You remember, that's how this began. He was looking for the nymphs. So the Grey Eye are crotchety old broads, though, and they are just not super keen to give him this information. Also could be that he's trying to kill one of their sisters, again, details details. Persia's pretty smart, though, and he realizes that he has something over these three women who are sharing one eye, and that is two eyes for his one self. Now, if you ask me, it's kind of unfair when you're inherently more powerful than a combined three people, simply because you have two eyes, but that's heroes of Greek mythology for you. Persia's snatches the eye from one of them and he holds a captive in order to force the women to answer his questions. The women are comedically frantic and they're panic over their collective missing eye, and immediately they give up the goods. I know of a really sad thing to have the one eye that you share with your sisters taken hostage, but it'll also be really funny to watch, and really difficult to avoid laughing. They're deities too, so I'm sure they deserved it somehow. So now that Persia's nose were to find the hisparities he sets out, from these nymphs, Persia's receives a bag with which he'll be able to transport Mendoosa's head post-beheading. You see, even once decapitated, this head will still be able to turn a person to stone, so it's best kept safely tucked away. Now, you may recall that Athena said Persia's would get weapons from the hisparities, but the cause never are all that predictable. They only give him the bag. From there, he's given some godly gifts. This is likely because he's Zeus's son, not everyone seeking to kill a Gorgon gets god gifts heaped upon them. Persia's just lucky that way. His mother less lucky, but the whole Zeus and the golden shower thing, but whatever. Zeus gives Persia's an adamantine sword, which always makes you think of Wolverine and X-Men. That's adamantine, right? Is it a totally different medal? I have absolutely no idea. And he gives him the help of darkness, which makes the wear invisible. Hades famously had one of these himself, crafted by the Cyclops, so it's possible it's just a loner. Hermes then lends him his wing and sandals, so Persia's can fly. And finally, Athena gives him a polished shield. Persia's then piles on his excess of tools and weapons, arguably a few too many, given how difficult the task actually ends up being, and then he flutters off using Hermes adorable sandals to find Medusa. Persia's finds Medusa's creepy lair. Made creepier by the countless stone figures scattered about, there were so many one might forget where they are and assume they've stumbled upon some kind of disturbing garden center. But alas, these statues are all merely Medusa's many, many victims. Can you call them victims when they're really just the result of her looking them in the eye? I feel like that would make an awful lot of accidental victims and a general bummer for Medusa. Anyway, finally, having found her in her lair, Persia sneaks up and he finds that she's sleeping. So he comes up with the plan to be overly cautious in disposing of this snake-haired woman. By using the polished shield that Athena gave him as a mirror, Persia's is able to safely approach Medusa without turning the stone. She wake up. He then swiftly and cleanly cuts off her head, easy peasy. Whatever he hooks back at did would happen when a Gorgon's head is cut off. I promise you that's not what's coming next. Pegasus, the famous flying gorse, and a young man, both fully grown, spring from the stump of Medusa's neck, physics schmizzics. And here is where I go on a bit of a rant. Pegasus is a single flying horse. Period. Pegasus is his name. There is not a breed of flying horses called Pegasus. You cannot have a Pegasus or many Pegasus's or Pegasai or what have you. There is one. And that is his name. Add to that that Persia is the one flying him in order to kill Medusa in clash of the Titans when you've got a whole massive problems. How does that work? Movie makers, honestly. While we're at it, Heracles or Percules, whatever, doesn't ride him either, Disney. I give you a pass because one, he's adorable as a baby, even if he is made of clouds, just so that you don't have to show a beheaded woman in a children's movie. Number two, you do not refer to him as a breed of flying horses. And I appreciate that. And number three, he'll love that movie and we'll sing those songs forever. So the two other organs, they're pretty pissed about their sister because she just had her head cut off quite un-terimoniously and so they pursue Perseus. They're less concerned by the fact that a flying horse and a fully grown man, laped out of her stump, but whatever, they're pretty used to that kind of stuff, I guess. Anyway, Perseus has Hades helmet of darkness, so he slips it on, becoming totally invisible and he just gets away. He also has the ability to fly away because of Hermes, so basically he has no problems at all. Like I said, he was a bit over-prepared. Perseus, having gotten safely away, he goes to head back to the island of Serefos, where he's meant to bring Medusa's head. But along the way, he stops to rest in the Atheopia, which is basically just a mythical Ethiopia. There's just an A at the beginning, otherwise the same word. Anyway, Atheopia is ruled by King Cepheus and Queen Cassiopeia. Their daughter is in Dramada, a beautiful princess. Cassiopeia is, in essence, an ancient pageant mom, and she's been boasting non-stop about how beautiful her daughter is. Cassiopeia has even been saying that Andromeda is as beautiful as the Nariads, sea nymphs. And as you will learn, this is never a good plan. By anyone, ever thinks it's a good idea to say anything even vaguely insulting to the gods is beyond me. Number one tip for surviving Greek mythology. Do not compare yourself or anyone else favorably. to the gods. It will always result in disaster. Usually you're death. In this case, you know, just awful things. So the god of the sea Poseidon, who is himself a giant ass, he's less than thrilled by this comparison to his precious naryans. Laurel's can never be as beautiful as the gods. Won't you ever learn pesky humans? So Poseidon is pissed about this slight bicarstriopia and as punishment, he sends the sea monster Keto to ravage the town. Let me just vehemily point out that he sends a generic sea monster and not a Kraken. Because that's insane. Once more with feeling, the Kraken is a Norse myth for god's sake. It's very far away from Greece, Norway. In case you didn't know, check him out. It's really far. This is not a thing. This sea monster is just laying way stay the opium. Nobody is having a good time. King Caffius just does not know what to do. None of his soldiers can stop it and the town is just being decimated. So like all good decision-makers of the ancient world, Caffius refers to the Oracle for guidance. The Oracle says something stupid in response as they are want to do. She tells Caffius that the only solution to this sea monster problem is to sacrifice Andromeda. This seems pretty unfair to me, frankly, given it was Casio Pia's fault in the first place. Andromeda was smart enough to never compare herself to a deity who was Casio Pia. Regardless, ancient Greek kings are often totally chill about the idea of sacrificing their daughters for a myriad of reasons. See, Agamemnon and Iphigenia. Seriously, it was awesome to be female there. Just a total bomb. So Caffius is all great plan Oracle. Let's do this and the fascinant Andromeda naked to a rock and leave her to die. Why she must be naked is beyond me. One can only assume it was a man's idea. I know. Let's strip her down. Sea monsters don't want to eat those pesky clothes. Fortunately, Alon comes Perseus. Just in the nick of time. He rolls up, immediately thinks maybe this isn't the best way of handling things. And oh hey, isn't she pretty? Perseus slays the sea monster as if it were the easiest thing in the world, suggesting Caffius may want up his defense spending. Why could no one else kill it? Logic notwithstanding, this totally worked. Perseus, after saving Andromeda is all, hey, maybe you want to get married to me and avoid your parents who just sentenced you to certain death by sea monster? Yeah, he raises his eyebrows there. He can't see it in the podcast. I'm doing it. And Andromeda's all totally sounds good and thanks for not being fesious. Perseus and Andromeda head back to Serefos, with Perseus still dragging along that old severed head, best honeymoon ever. When they arrive, Perseus finds out that his mother has sought refuge from Polydectis, who's now gotten violent with his advances. Danny has been hiding with Dictus, who thankfully is just a much better dude than his brother. Perseus, being such a good son, who totally loves his mom, is naturally not thrilled by this development. As if he didn't already find Polydectis an insufferable fool, now he's got this going on. Polydectis, on top of being a real asshole when it comes to Danny, is also a real dick about Perseus' accomplishments and bringing back Madusa's head. Literally the thing he tasked Perseus with doing, anyway, Polydectis mocks him, suggesting that this was a super easy feat, which devils advocate it kind of was. But that's beside the point, we hate Polydectis. Perseus is about us though, and at this point, he's just totally lost his patience with Polydectis. He walks up and just whips out Madusa's head and bam! Polydectis is turned a stone, handled. Now, I just like to take a moment and quote the mythweb.com statement about this particular moment in Perseus' story, because it made me really happy. Quote, "And since Polydectis took his truly heroic accomplishment for granted, he himself was ever afterwards taken for granted." Thank you for that guys, I love a good myth pun. They're one of my sources if that wasn't clear. Now thankfully, Polydectis is totally out of the way because he's just made a stone. Danny is free to do whatever the fuck she wants. Awesome. And it turns out that marrying the old fisherman Dictus was kind of a long-term goal. Now that his shitty brother is out of the picture, it's totally possible. They've apparently been banging all along so he worked out pretty well. And on top of that, dead brother means he becomes king, so bonus. But wait, didn't this all start with King Echristius of Wargo? Danny's father learning that there was a prophecy that his grandchild would overthrow him? What about that? And isn't that every prophecy, you say? No, but it is a lot of them. Now, there are a bunch of different versions about how this original prophecy ends up fulfilled. They all have the same results, but my favorite is the version where we learn that Echristius has been exiled for one reason or another. It doesn't matter. He's just, he's exiled from Argos. He's not the king right now. But Perseus comes in all heroic being a generally good guy and he returns Echristius to his throne in Argos. At this point, maybe they don't know that they're related because I think that Perseus would have been less keen to put this guy back in power. You know, he locked him up in a wooden chest and threw them out into the sea. Bygones, be bygones, maybe. Anyway, Perseus helps Echristius and he's hanging out in the palace afterwards. When Echristius accuses Perseus of lying about having killed Medusa, which, like, why lie about that? But also, what if it's true? So, of course, it is true. And what does Perseus do? Not one to mince words. He proves it by whipping out the head and bam! Echristius is stone. And so we're led to believe that Danny and Dictus and Perseus and Andromeda all live happily ever after. And frankly, they're in the minority in Greek mythology, so let's take it while we can get it. This has been another episode of Let's Talk About Myths Baby, where I rant profusely about mythology because it's so much fun. Like, just who came up with that stuff? Honestly, I love it. It's just, it's great. It's really entertaining. And I really sometimes wonder what they were on. Like, they had some kind of crazy ancient drug that we don't know about. We haven't figured it out. Because I mean, a Gorgon alone. Like, I just really truthfully wish that I could live in a time where you can come up with something like a Gorgon and not be like, your science fiction. Like, you actually think it's real. Like, they may not, you know, they never expected that they were going to run into one on the street. That's fine. But like, they legit thought that there was a man named Perseus in their history. And Perseus killed a Gorgon on top of having been, you know, born out of gold falling from the ceiling and into his mom's vagina. Like, completely aside from that, the man killed a Gorgon and, you know, out of her head stump flew a flying horse and a full grown man. I just, it's great. I love it. My name is Levin. I love this shit. Hey, nerds. I'm just here with a quick bit of news. So, if you've ever thought of splurging on a trip to a couple of Greek islands and Athens and you want to do it with me in October of this year, check the link in this episode's description or go to mythsbaby.com/grouptrip for more information. It's happening highlights include following in area ad knees footsteps as she flees the dreaded theses mythsbaby.com/grouptrip