Perimenopause is Wrecking Our Sex Life, What Now?

What if I told you that you are not at the mercy of these changes, right? What if even now you and your partner can actively co-create a new and fulfilling sex life and relationship? Welcome to the Sex After Kids podcast, a place for parents to come and learn together about the sometimes bumpy road back into the saddle of their sex life after adoption, childbirth, or joining a blended family. I am your host, Sophia Ashley, Certified Sex Educator and Sex Coach, Mother and Stepmother, and you're totally TMI guides to becoming BFFs with your body and initiating easy, connected, and confident, naked, sexy fun times. Here we are one part science of sex, one part mindfulness magic, and one part straight up real talk to help you find the spark in your relationship and yourself after kids. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Sex After Kids podcast. We are diving into a topic that can feel like a real relationship and there are for so many parents, and that's Perry, Manipose. We're in a unique time in history where many of us might be navigating early postpartum or toddlerhood or teens while we go through our very own second puberty. And if parenting wasn't enough to kill your libido, now new body odors, pimples, pain in your downstairs business, and who knew like you're itching, just to name a few random symptoms are up for messing with our intimacy. Well, I'm here to say not on my watch, friends, and if you stick around, we can find a way to keep the passion and play no matter what life is throwing at you. I am super pumped to share that we are celebrating our 50th episode after the Sex After Kids podcast this week, freaking awesome. It has been such a privilege to be in your ears. And I love hearing how this podcast has made a difference for you. So if you please take a few moments, leave a review, share with a friend, or even just message me on Instagram and tell me how this podcast has shifted your perspective or made a difference in your sex life. It fills my heart to hear these stories and let me know what you want to hear more of. Also, we're going to be shifting format a little bit here in the sense that we're going to be experimenting with monthly themes. So the next four episodes are going to be exploring parry menopause and intimacy after kids. If you aren't in Perry, have no fear. I will argue that 100% of the solutions I present are still relevant for you, especially if you have like autoimmune disorder or chronic pain. So stick around and let's dive into it. So what's the deal? Right? Let's talk a little bit about where we land through Perry. If you're the higher libido partner, you might feel like your relationship is stuck in neutral. It's like you're waiting for things to get better or for your partner to feel like themselves again, but there's nothing you feel like you can do right now. And this can lead to that loneliness that comes from feeling almost like a ghost in your own home. Like you almost feel like it would be better if you just disappeared. You love your partner, but they seem different, irritated, maybe distant. And it feels like everything you try, whether it's a thoughtful gesture, a massage, giving them space or trying to initiate intimacy, it all just seems to land wrong. And it's really disorienting on the other side. If you're the one experiencing the shifts of parry menopause, you might be feeling just as lost in a different way. You feel like a stranger in your own body. Sex feels uncomfortable, scary or even painful or things are just like happening the way that they used to. It can feel futile to even try when your body isn't responding to sex in the ways that it used to and navigating these intense emotions of identity and ability shifts and all these things can be very overwhelming. So here's the thing, right? Whether you're experiencing the shifts firsthand or you're supporting a partner through them, it often feels like you are both driving blind. You are navigating this uncharted territory of parry menopause and its impact on your intimacy without a map. And we're going to get a deeper map as we go across these four episodes. And in particular, stick around for episode three in this little mini series, we have an interview with Brooke at marriage and parry menopause, who's going to tell us all about having a hormone informed marriage. Before I go on, I just want to tell you a little bit about the roommates to romance challenge because if you are listening to this already and going, yep, yep, that's me. There is something you can do about it, especially as the higher libido partner that isn't just initiating yet another conversation about our sex life. So if you want to know how you can get into the driver's seat, listen on, but also click the link in bio or the link below for the roommates to romance challenge. And you can get started on my 14 day challenge to get you back in the fun, flirty vibes. So back to what we're talking about. We are both driving blind. But what if I told you that you are not at the mercy of these changes, right? What if even now you and your partner can actively co create a new and fulfilling sex life and relationship? It is not about waiting for things to magically get better or even trying to fix what's happening. It is about understanding these shifts and learning how to navigate them together. So let's break down what's actually going on during parimenopause that specifically throws our sex lives for a loop. And it's really a cocktail of things. If you've listened to the early episodes, you'll a lot of this will sound familiar. But of course we have the main thing we like to focus on, which is hormonal shifts, progesterone, estrogen, and testosterone are all fluctuating wildly, which can impact your mood, your irritability, your body sensations, and your like physical desire for sex. Then we have stress, like depending on how we're managing in life, we might have incurre stress, but also our tolerance for and how we respond to and handle stress will change. So we kind of get a dumber whammy there. And that means that what used to not feel like a big deal might or where we used to be able to do 25 things at once with ease, doesn't feel so easy anymore. And so our capacity changes. And then we have changes to our actual physical bodies. So the tissue and the vagina in the clitoris, they're changing the lubrication in this part of the body is changing your pelvic floor muscles are changing as well. And all of this can lead to pain, irritation, numbness during intercourse. And also it can be like, you know, you used to be someone who really loved like breast stimulation and nipple play. And now that feels like yucky and not good. Or you used to love like really light sensual tickles. And now that just sends like a wave of irritation through your body. We can have all kinds of new physical reactions and sensations that we're not used to. The reframe that I want to heart kind of bring for you is at the heart of all of this is a feeling like our body is a stranger, but we don't know how to help it anymore. And often we get caught in trying to chase down each individual symptom, which can kind of feel like playing like whack a mole. You fix one thing. Another thing pops up, especially if this is like a decade long process. So instead, I want you to think of this mostly as just like regardless of the symptom, this is stress on the body. Your body is facing a barrage of change. And it doesn't have its footing anymore. It doesn't feel safe, secure, landed, strong. And that can put intimacy out of reach when we don't know what to do about it. When we can approach intimacy with this understanding that it's stressed on the system, then we can shift everything because it's about getting ourselves back in the driver's seat together. So what does that look like? I've got three kind of tips here. The first tool or tip to getting back in the driver's seat is literally just acceptance. Like having kids, this is not about getting back to our pre-paramena pause body. This is about accepting where we are at now and what our body needs. This is about letting go of the fight and embracing, surrendering to whatever language you want to use your current body. This is about learning together about paramena pause and menopause and understanding your body and what it needs by listening to it. Second, we need to learn the new landscape. And this is really all about experimentation. What turns you on now? What helps you lean into connection? Now this may very be very different than it was before. And what I want you to know here is like most people have been operating with mediocre sex skills to begin with. And then we hit a speed bump like paramena pause and we don't know what to do. The invitation here is to level up. It's like you got a new manual for your body or a new operating system. And you need to crack the manual and learn how it works. And this is where reading, hiring a coach, learning together about anatomy, learning how pleasure works in the body and shifting to a playful and curious attitude is really important. Embrace, loop, embrace toys, embrace new positions, but also embrace working with the nervous system and understanding how libido actually works instead of thinking that whatever sex that you got in high school or learned in your 20s for your 20 year old body is still going to work for you. Now you've got the wrong tools for the job or you've got the wrong manual for the new operating system, which means you're not broken, you're not stupid. It's not impossible to achieve. You just have to get the right manual. You just have to get the rates tools. And when we live in a society that does not embrace sex, when we live in a society where no one talks to people about what's in store for them for their sex life during parimenopause, because we don't even talk about that anyways, because even the topic of parimenopause kind of falls under like women's sexual health. When there's a taboo around all of this, of course you're struggling with it. Of course. So have a little self compassion. Okay, get kind with yourself. Park your ego. Masterful lovers don't insist they're great at lovemaking. Masterful lovers know that there is an ongoing learning process. And this is the like attitude that you want to cultivate. Okay, thirdly, I want you to prioritize connection and flirting. This is mega. Okay, so many couples get caught in what I call the merry go round of avoidance. So the higher libido partner stops initiating for fear of rejection, which leads to resentment and distance. And sometimes affection is even with hell as a form of like unspoken punishment. You're not going to have sex with me. I'm not going to put any effort in other places. Meanwhile, the lower libido partners avoiding the pressure and not wanting to flirt for fear of leading their partner on. I feel like it now, but I don't later. The result is that no one's touching, no one's flirting, no one's connecting. And then we don't have a runway to sex. Because if we're not engaging in the small stuff, then the leap from absolutely nothing cold, distant roommates, platonic to like, let's get hot and heavy is too far of a leap. We've got to make these small intentional daily investments in keeping that like, I call it like the new crush of ibs like alive so that we have a runway. We have a ramp. We have a dimmer switch to turn up to, especially for lower libido partners. And the other thing is that when we get into this habit, touch can start to feel really transactional. And what I mean by that is I stop touching you because you're not saying yes anymore and you stop touching me because you don't want to lead me on. So then anytime you do touch me, I'm like, oh, they must want it or like she must she must be into it because she's touching me and she just wanted to like cuddle or I'm only touching as the higher libido partner because I want to make a try. And so now it's like the only time I'm touching you is because I want to make an attempt. And so now touch becomes something you've offered to get something instead of just touching me for the sake of touching me because it's a gift that you kind of want to offer. And I just want to share an example of this to kind of cement it. So me and my partner, you know, I am probably in some version of Perry. I'm 41 this year, but I have an autoimmune disorder that mirrors so many paramedics. The brain fog, the body aches and pains, the libido, etc, etc. So sometimes it's hard for me to know if this is a parisimtum or a autoimmune system, but the bottom line is the experience is the same. Okay, so I have been through the periods where I'm like, yeah, I could be fine without ever having sex again and all of the stuff. And I decided to initiate this little challenge in my home out of curiosity where for seven days I just practiced kind of like these little five minute love bombs for my partner that were either touched like initiating a six second kiss or a two minute dance um flow dance in the kitchen or like leaving him love notes and that kind of stuff. And the takeaway I had was actually like how infrequently we were touching each other because you're just oftentimes your ships in the night, right? Like I'm putting the kids to bed. You're doing dishes like we're never even in the same room. And I was noticing sometimes when we were in the same room, you know, he's over at the kitchen doing dishes, I'm 10 feet away and we're doing the like, oh, did you get that message about this? And did you remember the appointment about that blah blah blah? And I was like, why am I doing this standing all the way across the room from you? Why am I not using this opportunity to touch you? And so I went over and I hugged him while we did the same thing. And immediately after we finished our little check and he was like, did you want something? And I realized like he immediately interpreted my touching him as like a request for something or like I was offering because I was about to make some kind of big ass get I wanted it like soft in him up. So his nervous system just defaulted there. And I have another example where like me, my husband had been sick for a week. I'd been the default parent. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm at the laptop. I'm typing away. My partner goes to offer me a back massage to give me some love and my immediate responses. What the fuck do you want from me? This is what my nervous system in a heightened state flicked to. And so even in a partnership like mine, like our relationship is solid. Our love life is amazing. I am teaching you how to do all this stuff so you can have what I have and more. And still our nervous systems trigger that way. Still our nervous systems can default that way. And so this is the pattern we get locked into. And when we're locked there, where your nervous system interprets touch from your partner as dangerous, unsafe or demanding, then we ain't getting to sexy town, my friend, without forcing or cajoling or like all the things we don't want. So what do we do instead? What we do instead is the Remain Stero Manch Challenge. Okay, it's my 14-day challenge. It's an expansion of what I did in my very own home. And the idea is I have specifically geared it for high libido partners. You can do it together and do the daily challenges for each other. But I have designed it for higher libido partners to initiate low demand, low pressure, touch and connection so that we can break that association between touch and pressure or touch and demand and make it so that we can just enjoy touch or connection for its very own sake. And when we do that, we create the on ramp that we're looking for two sex and deeper connection. So it's a habit of daily low pressure affection that creates the runway to sex. It's a habit of daily intentional connection. And sometimes we have to find new ways to do that. And in the challenge, I've got three things for you. So there's the Safe Touch Blueprint, which is a specific way to approach touch with a partner whose nervous system or body is on fire so that you can find what they will say yes to or what will be supportive for them in a safe way to their nervous system. The second piece that's included is what I call a rejection recovery toolkit because a lot of what happens for partners is you get turned down so you're out and then the way that you deal with that creates more pressure on your partner. We need to give you the leadership skills to do something more productive with those emotions so that like their valid it's okay to feel hurt when you're rejected but when you throw that back at your partner, you are sabotaging yourself and you're not going to get where you want to go. So I'm going to help you to do something more productive with those feelings and emotions. And the last piece is that there's a mindful self-pleasure practice in there because we are asking you to kind of create a no-pressure space for intimacy which might already be something that's on the table in your relationship and so I want you to have healthy and mindful outlets for your sexual energy that's not relying on fet life or porn or something that might negatively impact your relationship. So there is a place for self-pleasure but I have a unique way of doing it for you that will be very supportive for you. So if you are into that it's a 14-day challenge. It's got the safe touch blueprint, the rejection recovery toolkit, a mindful self-pleasure practice and then 14 days of prompts that are literally less than five minutes a day. You get an email a day to re-instigate that connection with your partner and find a way to approach where you can create safety in their nervous system. And for lower libido partners who are listening, this is great because it's not another conversation about how you're broken and we all need to fix it and you need to just like back up. This is about finding new ways to engage outside of the bedroom so that we can create a runway to the bedroom that feels good for both of you without pressure, without awkwardness, without resentment, without all the things. The challenge is only $9 my friends. It is a less than a latte. You've got nothing to lose. I have 100% guarantee like refund on this bad boy and if you're like, I'm not sure I can do this without help. Right now I have a very limited special time offer for folks to get one-on-one vox or coaching with me for $77. And so what that means is for the 14 days of the challenge. I am in your pocket, walkie-talkie style and every day you're telling me, did the challenge, here's what happened and I'm letting you know whether to pivot, whether to change the order of the challenge and essentially customizing the whole process for you so that you can have the most success. So if that's your jam then just grab the link down below. I look forward to seeing you there if you have questions you can always hit me up on Instagram and we will catch you in the next episode. This is where we do the end bit, right? Let's take a mindfulness minute my friends. Deep breath in. Nice big mouth sound it out Ah, breath out. Voila, your nervous system. Thanks you. Thank you for being here. I hope your head and your heart have something new to consider and something new to try today. No husbands were harmed in the making of this podcast. And a very big thank you to mine for his original music composition and help. I love you, babe. This podcast was recorded on the traditional territories of the Kwanlandan and Tanquachan First Nations in Whitehorse, Yukon, the acknowledge and are grateful to the original stewards of this land where we live and play and raise our babies. You can catch me on the Instagram and Facebook at Intimacy After Kids, where I share tips, tools, and inspiration for your naked fun come back. Or you can join the weekly-ish newsletter and find info about how we can work together at IntimacyAfter Kids.com. Catch you next time.