Speaker 1It's so funny, we're talking about perfectionism today as I perfectly place my microphone in front of me. I cut this all out, but it just took me 10 minutes to set up this microphone and camera. It always does. Everything's got to be perfect. Oh, the irony is great. The day 30 you, white knuckling, trying to do recovery right, perfectly. The lie underneath. If I can't do this flawlessly, I've already failed. What's the point in doing it if I don't do it perfectly? The cruel irony. Perfectionism is often the same engine that drove the using, and it doesn't switch off just because you got sober. The same engine that drove the using. That's interesting to think about. What is the engine of perfectionism? Is it codependence? Is it trying to fit in? Is it trying to be liked? Is it approval? Is it wanting to perform, to be funny, to be loved, to be accepted into the group? Huh. I think for me, it's all those things. Wanting to be the funny guy, wanting you to like me, wanting you to talk about me when I wasn't around in positive ways. Like, oh, that Anthony guy, he's the best. We always, we love having him around. He just makes the party so much better. It's not a party without Anthony. I think that was the grand. Plan for me. And that's what cocaine did and alcohol, but it brought me closer to you. And it brought me the sense of fitting in and being the funny guy. And I didn't care what you were thinking about me. I didn't care what you were talking about. I just thought you thought I was the best. Perfectionism is not a personality quirk. It's a documented relapse risk. So if you can think back to a time when you tried to ace recovery, you tried to be the perfect. Perfect recovering alcoholic addict. I always say this, but how many times have you sat in a recovery meeting and thought to yourself, oh my God, I am the worst member of recovery ever. That guy is doing so much better than I am. I don't have it figured out at all. I am lost. I'm doing it all wrong today. I've come to realize that there is no perfect way to do recovery. It's just doing one thing better than yesterday. I'm practicing the principles in all my affairs. Like I said in that last episode about principles. Am I being honest? Am I being humble? Am I being of service? Am I just trying to be a good dude and forget about the reason why? Like my motive is not the most important thing in the world today. It can be, but it changes. It's am I just trying to be a good dude? Am I trying to help other people? Am I trying to, am I not imposing my will? Am I not putting people on every situation and not trying to get people to act according to my script all the time? Am I just living and letting live, live and let live? What perfectionism actually is. Perfectionism is not having high standards. It's tying your worth to never falling short. Oh, tying your worth to never falling short. I love that my worth when I'm in perfectionism, my worth is contingent on whether you like me or not. I need you to love me so that I can love myself.
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Speaker 3This episode is brought to you by TXU Energy. For the first time ever, Texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings. It's called Free Nights and Cool Summer. You get free nights every night all year long, plus a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer. It's a first of its kind plan created for how Texans actually use energy. Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights and Cool Summer. TXU Energy. Energy for everything. Visit TXU.com for more information. Rep number 10004.
Speaker 1And if I'm not doing it perfectly, then I failed. Success becomes simply not failing ever. Success is measured as whether I perfected it or not, whether I did it perfectly. And that's a terrible place to live because you're never going to live up to that mark. You're never going to hit that mark. If I fall short, if I fail. If I fail at said thing, whatever the said thing is, then I'm worthless. That's what happens here. And it's a horrible, dangerous place to live. Researchers split it in two ways. There's perfectionistic strivings. So having high personal standards can be on, can be sort of healthy. And then there's perfectionistic concerns, fear of mistakes, dread of being judged, self-worth on the line. And then there's perfectionistic concerns, fear of mistakes, dread of being judged, self-worth on the line. And then there's perfectionistic concerns, fear of mistakes, dread of being judged, self-worth on the line. This is the toxic one. So strivings versus concerns, high personal standards and trying to be better versus fear of screwing up, dread of being judged and being perceived as a failure. You're tying your worth to external circumstances. Again, the opinions of others, your self-worth is on the line with this one. The one that hurts you is concerns. Perfectionistic concerns have a medium correlation. With anxiety, depression, and OCD across 400 plus studies. Plain language test. Do I want to live well or do I believe I'm worthless if I don't? That's the trap. Do I want to live well or do I believe I'm worthless if I don't? What's that voice saying in your head? Which one are you living in? And don't beat yourself up about it either. This is not what this podcast is about. By the way, I'm Anthony. I'm an alcoholic addict. In recovery. Been in recovery since 2015. And I'm grateful to be sober and alive today. I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful to have this podcast. I'm grateful for all the new listeners. You guys rock. Thank you. It's transdiagnostic. A risk factor that feeds anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self-harm. It doesn't stay in its lane. That's the worthless thing that we were talking about. So I want to ask you. When did wanting to be good. Become terrified to be bad. Are you more focused on being a good person or are you more scared to be a failure or a bad person? Fear. It all comes back to fear, man. Self-centered fear. I'm driven by it. I wish I wasn't, but I can check it every day. But a hundred forms of self-delusion and fear. It's a corroding thread. Through our existence, why it's dangerous in recovery, recovery is nonlinear. Setbacks are built in perfectionism. Can't survive that math. Yeah. So you're going to screw up. You're going to, you don't have to relapse. It's relapse can be a part of recovery. Something that bothers me is when people say relapse is a part of recovery. It sure can be, but it doesn't have to be. Fuck. I went seven and a half years without relapsing. I didn't think I would ever relapse. Here I am the all or nothing trap. One slip turns into I've blown the whole thing turns into might as well burn it all down now. Oh my God. How many times have I been through this pattern? Oh man. It took me so long to realize that I was in a relapse. It took me so long to accept the fact that abusing my ADHD medication was in fact a relapse. I even went in front of a 12 step room and told my story in the middle of a relapse. I wasn't high during, but I had relapsed. The day before, and I was telling my story about driving in a Benzo blackout and hitting a bus on the highway. And I honestly thought I was still sober. I honestly thought I didn't relapse. But when I finally came to the conclusion that, oh yeah, I am in a relapse and I finally admitted it to people around me. This thought definitely goes through my mind. There's all or nothing thinking of I've blown the whole thing. Might as well burn it down. Might as well try Percocets now. Might as well order ketamine. Might as well do it all because I've never done blank. That's not true, right? I did do all that before. Oh man. That's the abstinence violation effect. The slipped isn't what relapses you. The shame spiral about the slip does. Yeah. So if you can jump back into recovery, hell, I just saw a sober influencer on Instagram post about her relapse. Got 2 million views. And my thought was, well, congratulations for jumping back into recovery. I hope you come back. And say that just, you don't just post a video and go back in your relapse. The hardest thing is acknowledging the slip and then coming back. That is by far the hardest thing. So if you can nip it in the bud before it gets too, before it's too late and you're trying Percocets off the dark web like me or driving in a Benzo blackout, do it. Get in before it's too late. It always gets worse. If you stay out there in my experience, shame is the accelerant. Shame is the accelerant. Shame is a major relapse trigger, and perfectionism manufactures shame on demand. Perfectionism makes you suppress. So hide the struggle. So you look like you've got it together. Yeah. Wear the masks, the stage character perform in recovery. I'm good guys. Thank you. This happened to me in my relapse for sure. I'm good. Thanks. I've got it figured out. I'm going to get out of this. I'm not relapsed. No, thank you. I'm good. I've got it under control. Everyone. I'm not going to talk about it. I'll tell you 90% of the truth, but I'm going to keep 10% back here. Isolate. Can't ask for help. Help equals weakness. Yeah. Now you're doing it by yourself. You're on your own. You're not talking about it because it's embarrassing and I don't want to be perceived as a failure or someone who relapsed and someone who can't figure it out. Oh my God, the worst thing ever. God forbid I ask for help from somebody because that would tell them that I'm a human and I have flaws and I don't have it all figured out just like everybody else and then avoid. So suppress. Isolate and avoid. Avoid is you don't go to the meeting. You don't make the call unless you can do it right. Unless it goes perfect. Unless the conditions are perfect for me, I won't do it. Unless somebody comes to me and says, Hey Anthony, do you need help? Which doesn't happen often. There are a few people in recovery that are, that are really tapped in. That'll do that to you. I was at a meeting the other day. Somebody walked up to a new guy and said, Hey, I'm your sponsor now. I noticed that you're new here. Oh my God, what a gift that is. God bless that guy. God bless him. We don't do that enough. I don't do that enough. I'll talk about me. I don't do that enough. We need to go and find people that need help because my sobriety depends on service. So this is again, as I listened to this driving in my car, probably a reminder that Anthony, you need to go and find new guys to work with. Thank you. You're welcome. The deadliest combo, a harsh inner critic plus hyper independence. You're drowning quietly and won't raise your hand. Yeah. Beating yourself up. And then I've got it. The two colliding worlds. What a terrible place that is to be. I've been there many times. I still go there into sobriety. My ego does not like asking for help. Think about a time when perfectionism made you hide instead of reach out. This happens a lot. The perfectionism addiction loop self-worth equals performance leads to inevitably falling short leads to shame and failure leads to reach for relief leads to substance or the behavior that numbs it leads to, excuse me, leads to wake up worse, more ashamed, more to be ashamed of repeat. This is a cycle. So if your self-worth is tied to your performance, you will always shelf fall short because the bar just keeps getting higher and higher. And you're just setting it yourself. And it's just not based in reality. You're constantly going to be achieving, trying to achieve this inachievable goal of perfection, which is impossible. Then that leads to shame and failure for not reaching that goal. And then relief. I need relief because this is painful. I need relief because this is painful. I need relief because this is painful. The thoughts I'm beating myself up and I am constantly ruminating about how much of a piece of crap I am that I haven't achieved this goal. And I can't do it. And I'm worthless, which eventually leads to the thing that worked drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, whatever it is. It might not be drugs at first. It might be shopping or treating other people like crap. Then you wake up worse. And then there's more to be ashamed of. And you're stuck in those cycle. The substance was the perfectionist's escape hatch. The one place the impossible standard didn't apply. Yeah. When I'm higher drunk, I don't care about being perfect. I'm perfect already. When I'm higher drunk, everything's perfect. I don't need anything. And then it fades away. And you're back to square one. That shame is just so much heavier. Black and white thinking is the through line. Lovable only if flawless. Fall short. And then the critics, the critics, the critics, the critics. The critic reaches for something to cope. Why this matters sober. If you don't touch the perfectionism, you've kept the engine and just removed the fuel. The pressure finds a new outlet. Work, food, exercise, perfect recovery. You can't shame yourself into lasting recovery. The thing that broke you can't be the thing that fixes you. Did perfectionism just switch addictions on you? Workaholism overtrained you. Yeah. I can name a million things where steroids was one of them. The perfect body. And then it wasn't a relapse because I'm not using substances, but I'm trying to achieve this perfect body and my biceps never big enough and I don't have enough abs and it's never enough. How it disguises itself in recovery. The sneaky part in recovery. Perfectionism wears a halo. The comparison trap measuring your day 30 against someone's feet. Year five. The recovery influencer performance. Sobriety is a highlight reel, not a real messy process. Yes, you're only sharing the wins. If I can't do it perfectly, why bother? Skip the meeting. You'll be late to quit the journal after one missed day. White knuckling as a flex. Suffering silently because asking for support feels like failing. Rigid rule stacking. So many recovery should. Falling off one equals falling off all. These all look like commitment. They're fear in a costume. I think for me, most prevalent one right now is probably the comparison trap. Comparing my recovery to my old recovery and somebody maybe comparing my financial situation to somebody else's financial situation. And that's comparison is the thief of joy through and through. And it's a horrible place to be. Oh, well, I don't have that thing. So I must be useless. I'm never going to get out of this. I'm never going to be financially stable. What actually helps one progress, not perfection. The cliche that actually works and is actually right. There's cliches in recovery for a reason. It's because they're true and they work. So don't, if you're annoyed by them, maybe you need to explore that a little more. I know I can get annoyed by them sometimes. Recovery math showing up at 70% every day beats a perfect week. Then a shame quit. Aim for good enough. Sustainable, not flawless to catch the all or nothing thought. So this is cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT. CBT is an evidence-based treatment for perfectionism itself. The move spot. When you say I blew it, I'm a failure. I'm stupid. I'm a piece of shit. Name it as all or nothing. Replace it with. I had a hard day. One data point, not a verdict. This doesn't define who I am. This is not me. This is just one data point. Self-compassion. The real antidote and it's evidence-based, not just woo woo. There's a meta-analysis. Self-comparison has a large inverse link with anxiety, depression, distress. RCTs of self-compassion training show medium to large drops in psychopathology and it specifically weakens maladaptive perfectionism. So you're one thing at a time. You're slowly beating out the, that's the wrong word. You're slowly getting rid of the perfectionism by loving yourself a little bit more. Be kind to yourself like you would a friend. Remember everyone fails. Common humanity. Feel it without drowning in it. Mindfulness. Self-compassion is not lowering standards or going soft. Self-compassionate people still aim high. They just don't self-flagellate when they miss. They don't beat themselves up with a two by four. I had someone in my recovery group once. I had someone say, Anthony, put down the two by four after I would give my recovery talk. Stop beating yourself up. Stop focusing on the things you should have said and you didn't say. And I should have said this and I shouldn't have said that. And oh my God, my talk was the worst. Nobody got anything out of that. Stop it. Say the imperfect thing out loud. Perfectionism dies in daylight. Tell one person the unpolished version. I had someone say this to me once. Make sure Anthony, one human being in this world knows everything. Every secret, everything. Make sure Anthony, one human being in this world knows everything. Every secret, everything. Make sure they know your plans and designs, your ideas for fixing yourself. Make sure one person knows everything. This is why peer support works. You learn everyone's recovery is messy. Yours isn't uniquely broken. This is why I love hearing people share about how they screw up and then how they're imperfect. I love those are my favorite shares. The best share. My mentor once told me the best share in recovery is an honest one. That's it. Deliberately do it badly. Five. Practice imperfection on purpose. The B minus meeting share the walk instead of the perfect workout. It gives your brain the data. I fell short and the world didn't end. I didn't fail. I didn't die. I'm still okay. The shift recovery doesn't ask you to be perfect. It asks you to be honest. Those are opposites. Authenticity. Just be honest. Not perfect. Nobody is expecting you to be perfect. And if they are, they're not a good friend.
Speaker 2Ultra running shoes are all about space. The space to go further, to feel better, to do something you never thought possible. And this space starts with Ultra Fit. Unlike traditional running shoes, Ultra Fit gives toes more room to move naturally. So every step is strong, balanced, and comfortable. Whatever you're lacing up for, stay out there with Ultra. Shop now at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running dot com.
Speaker 3This episode is brought to you by TXU Energy. For the first time ever, Texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings. It's called Free Nights and Cool Summer. You get free nights every night, all year long, plus a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer. It's a first-of-its-kind plan, created for how Texans actually use energy. Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights and Cool Summer. TXU Energy. Energy for everything. Visit TXU.com for more information. Rep number 10004.
Speaker 1Perfectionism says, hide the mess. Recovery says, the mess is where the healing is. The relapse isn't the imperfect day. It's the belief that an imperfect day makes you a failure. You don't need a flawless recovery. You need a durable one. Durable is built out of recovered mistakes, not avoided ones. Learning from the consequences of your mistakes. I'm going to try to do a little bit of a recap. I'm going to try to do a little bit better today. Hey, I really screwed up there. I'm going to try to make it right. I'm going to try not to repeat that behavior. So if I think about a mistake in recovery that taught me more than a perfect stretch ever did, I can think about a time I was sharing at a really big meeting. It was a Christmas meeting, and I was very honored to be one of the speakers there. I fully went into the talk with ego. I wanted to perform. I wanted to give the best talk ever, and I blacked out. Literally, I just went blank. And I remember I was stuttering. I was repeating my words halfway through. I can't remember if I said I was introduced myself or not. So then I introduced myself again, and I was thinking about that. It was the worst thing ever. But it taught me that I didn't need to give a perfect share. I just needed to be honest. And people will respect that 10,000 times more than a perfect share. Nobody wants to hear a perfect share. They want you to be honest if they're working a good recovery program. I just want you to be honest. I want to be honest. That's it. I don't need to give a TED Talk when I'm sharing my story or talking to somebody else or giving advice. Maybe I don't even need to give advice to that person that's struggling. Maybe they just want me to validate them and to show up and be there and listen. So this week's one thing. Do one recovery thing imperfectly on purpose. Notice you survive it. You don't have to be perfect. You have to be honest. If you're not following the podcast, please follow. If no one has told you this yet, I love you. And remember, recovery is simple.
Speaker 3This episode is brought to you by TXU Energy. For the first time ever, Texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings. It's called Free Nights and Cool Summer. You get free nights every night all year long, plus a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer. It's a first-of-its-kind plan created for how Texans actually use energy. Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights and Cool Summer. TXU Energy. Energy for everything. Visit TXU.com. For more information, rep number 1-0-0-0-4.
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