"Penis Envy" (w/ John Waters)

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Make money on Depop with no selling fees and find what you want for less. We've been talking about Kewpie Mayo for a minute now. And wow, so many of you already love this stuff. And if you're thinking, wait, what is Kewpie? Do you not have the internet? It's the OG Japanese mayonnaise. The one with the red cap. What makes it different? Egg yolks. Kewpie is made with egg yolks only, giving it this rich umami flavor that elevates everything. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. Where chefs work, of course. Food and flavor lovers use it. You haven't tried it yet? Well, find the red cap and see what everyone's talking about, why don't ya? Kewpie. The original Japanese mayonnaise. Kewpie. Look, man. There. Oh, I see. Wow. Oh, my. Bowen, look over there. Wow. Is that culture? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Las culturistas. Ding dong. Las culturistas calling. Welcome to the cavalcade of perversion. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm wearing my Seth Bogart merch for our guest. Yeah. This is what they sold at the Academy Museum. Which, come on. Which was-- 18 rooms. Oh, my God. How are you up on the-- Because I did my research. On the exhibit or on the museum? Did you see the exhibit? I did indeed go to the exhibit. Oh, it was fab. You went? Yeah, I did go. Amazing. It's a major day. And also, I feel like the spirit of the guest was on the New York City streets today because I'm walking down the street and I'm wearing sort of a jacket that I didn't realize had holes in it. And so medication I was holding in my jacket fell out, just beta blockers. Felt like anxiety meds fell on the street. Yeah. And a woman ran up-- a crazy woman with like a pin, like a clothespin, ran up and said, do you need a clothespin? And I was like, what? And she goes, for your hole. And I was like, OK, today is the day John Waters is on Los Angeles. Oh, my God. Because a woman just ran up to me with a big clothespin and offered it for me to have for my hole, Beau. For your hole. I was like, if this isn't a John Waters film-- Absolutely. It would need to have been a lot bigger, I think. Everything would need to be more outsized. For your big hole. Did you pick up your meds? I got them. Don't worry, everyone, we're OK. This is so wonderful. He just celebrated his 80th birthday. Happy birthday. He's on his Going to Extremes tour. He's going to Fire Island for the first time in a minute. He sure is. You're going to see him at the Ice Palace. He's now part of the, I guess, turf war, if you want to call it that, between Fire Island and Provincetown. But he's a P-Town guy. Oh, yeah, you are kind of like showing your cards there. Wow, I don't really know what else to say. He's my favorite director ever. I've said this on record. I had a hard time picking between Female Trouble and Multiple Maniacs in the Criterion Closet. And what did you choose? I chose Multiple Maniacs because it's the most shocking movie still of all time to me because of what Ming Stole and Divine do in the church. If you know, you know. Oh, my god. And I was watching Serial Mom on the Plane yesterday for the first time in years, and that is a perfect movie. It sure is. Perfect. Perfect film. Yeah. It's-- oh, my god. And I had a sex dream about-- Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. Today, not even from Cry Baby. No, I had a sex dream about Matthew Lillard. Well, that's just going to happen. That's just going to happen. But he was like-- he had like a dark beard, and he was just all muscly. I love the Lillard. I love the Lillard. Well, he's my favorite. He's here. Everyone, please welcome-- John Waters. Thank you very much. And happy birthday again. Thank you. I know my birthday-- my god, it was so overhyped. The people were yelling happy birthday to me on the subway, strangers. What more could you ask for? What's the appropriate level of hype for your 80th birthday? Well, I did 59 shows on the road last year, but I did nine birthday shows. No, eight, I think, in like 10 days or something. So it was-- I was-- I'm a carny. I'm on the road. But the math works out. Eight shows-- no, what is it? Well, I think it was seven or eight in nine days. I forget. But I did them-- I was every day doing a different city. It was great. But you don't-- but I feel like you maybe-- you're a little bit allergic to like overpraise, right? And this is mostly what this podcast is. Well, no, I'm not. I'm just used to-- I built a career on bad reviews. Now when I get good ones, I'm shocked. I take them with no irony. Like when the Academy Awards had a museum, how would that ever be possible that that would happen? You weren't checking for me before. But it was so great. It was wonderful. Amazing. No, I don't feel like Janis Joplin when she went back to her high school reunion after she was famous. People were still mean to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were still mean to her? Yes. No one could give a fuck. Which is kind of funny. She thought she was going to go in and be like, ha ha, showed you. And they were still hateful. Hi, ugly. Basically, they didn't say that. They didn't say that, but they acted like that. Yeah, they felt it. They thought it. But are people still mean to you from back in the day? Never. The people that were mean to me then didn't matter. We put them in the ads. We put the bad quotes in the ads. Yeah. And then-- but then you'll never-- we would never put the good quotes now in anything necessarily, right? Oh, sure we would. We would put them on when my screenplay books came out. But we did publish on the back, the only quote was from the New York Times for "Desperate Living," which Criterion is putting out in 4K-- Let's go. --very soon. But the quote was, "You can look far and wide, and you'll never find--" but you could look far and wide to find a film this ugly, but really, why would you? That was a New York Times quote, and that's on the only thing on the back of the screenplay book. That's wonderful. Some of the bad reviews are written the most elegantly, I feel. You know what I mean? It's like sometimes people just-- Well, then bad reviews matter. Today, it doesn't really hurt you that much. Or does it help? Critics don't have the power they used to. Like it used to, if you were an art film, you got a rave review on the New York Times, it was a hit. Yeah. Today, it doesn't mean it's a hit. If it's the bad one, it's still a bomb. Right. But then our friends-- we have friends who have made what I think were immediately considered future cult classics. Our friends Josh Sharp and Aaron Jackson made a movie called Dicks the Musical. Yes, I saw it, yeah. You did? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Starring Bowen as God. But the thing is, a cult classic is the worst thing you can say when you're trying to get financing. That means five smart people liked it, and it lost money. Serial Mom was a failure when it came out. Was it? And the executive that-- he doesn't care that it's a hit 20 years later. He was fired because the movie didn't make money. Right, yeah, that's all that matters. Do you keep in touch with him? No. I bought a house with the money he gave me. There you go. He got something out of it. He lost his job, but he wouldn't have been happy. No, but he was fair. And it's just like, my movies are weird. They test it. They go to Mid-America to test it. Why? Why? That's not where they're going to play the best. Yeah, but you know what? The person that needs those movies in Mid-America, thank God they went out and tested there. They get to say, I got to really find my freak. But now it's a different world. When I go everywhere, my audiences, if it's in Iowa or New York, they're the same. They're smart. They dress well. They've seen every movie. Because you don't have to go anywhere anymore. You can stay where you are and make it better. Yeah, 100%. I feel like there is something about maybe hairspray doing so well, that's like the punkiest thing you ever did. It's the most devious, because it's snuck in. It plays in Florida in grade schools and nobody bitches. Two men sing a love song, encouraging interracial dating. Racists even like it. They're so stupid. Wow. Yeah. So I was reading that you were initially-- were you shocked by the PG rating? Or were you just like, I can't believe we made something? No, I was shocked by it, just because it was divine in I. And then New Line at the time was shocked, too. They wanted me to put the word shit in so we'd get a PG-13, at least. I said, no, let's keep it. That's the shock, that it is PG. Yeah, this is the race we're running. Because I even saw Hairspray for the first time in the seventh grade. Well, that's fine. So there you go. Perfectly should see it at any age, that movie's fine. I think it would get a G today. Yeah. You would get a G today. But I just remember it being-- because I think that was my first technical exposure. And it was when they're playing-- it's when the woman's holding the sign up that says falsies. And I was like, oh, there's something different about this movie. And I-- Criterion is putting it out now. But we have the side, the scenes that were cut out, where Tracy's mean, where she's mean to the kids that work in the drug shop. She gets a hickey in the car and says, hope he doesn't have blue balls, and breaks into Amber's house, reads her diary, and dyes her hair in her own house. Stuff that wisely got cut out, because it goes so far away from the nice girl that Tracy was. Right. But now I want to see the movie of alt-Tracy. Yeah, of alt-Tracy. Hairspray in the other dimension. Do you and Adam Shankman still keep in touch? Yeah, some. Yeah, definitely. So Matt's in an Adam Shankman film now. Oh, good. Which one? The Stop That Train. Wow, great. It's going to be really fun. It's really fun, it's real, I mean, it just, forget about a time when movies just went for the fucking joke in every single scene that's what this is yeah well i'm looking forward to it i'll pay to see it that's what you do for your friends you pay to see it the friday night it opens in a theater absolutely it's exciting to be excited about a movie coming absolutely but on that note it's like what like the dicks the musical thing as it came out as they it screened at tiff midnight madness people were like this is a future cult classic and then and like you say like josh and aaron were like but wait a minute we wanted this to be like a current now a future cult classic means it bombed yeah yeah and it it will take like years of fermenting or whatever or a patina or something you can't make a cult movie happen i mean i remember when mommy dearest after it came out they tried to make it a midnight movie but what why did not drag queens go to the melania documentary dressed as her and shout out stuff like rocky harr wouldn't that have been the most hilarious take it back from them so great it would have been well republicans have female female impersonators it's drag yeah it's it's a gender it's just their women underneath i can't believe what the drag show that happens at every republican event now well they all look the same they all look like elderly porn stars yeah yeah yeah but i do fox whenever i go on the shows they're nice to me and i sell so many books when i do fox it's amazing wow yeah are you seeing where the sales are coming from like no i mean i don't care you know if they bought the book it's certainly not encouraging what they're saying and they were nice to me on the shows i don't have any trouble but all the everybody that works there looks the same yeah yeah it's a little odd hot you know women that look like i don't know people said to me did you ever go to jeffrey epstein's what would i do pussy island i would be hiding under a desk it would have been no i didn't go there no shared interest do you feel like you have this air of respectability now as you walk yes i'm so respectable i could puke i said that at the academy awards museum yes but it's great it's nice it's not i'm not i don't take it as revenge or anything i think it's just things change yeah at what point did things become cult classics to you in terms of certain films and i know that's a dirty term and when pink flamingos came out right away it became a midnight thing so i could tell then it was working and that was totally by audiences we went to each city at a separate time it did one city at a time this was before video before uh internet or anything so you'd go to a city would start one day a week then two days three days four days so it took two years for pink flamingos to open around the country but is there a rolling timeline with like hairspray doing great as it comes out but then like but then like crybaby and then cereal hairspray was a hit for real yes yes baby was definitely not but then was there this like delayed sort of like push of like cryberry then become that then becomes a cult hit and then cereal mom becomes a cult like like do you get what i'm saying yes but i've never gotten profit participation from crybaby or cereal mom they've never broken even wow wow interesting but that cost a lot of money yes yeah of course i was wondering about just because you had you talk about building a career on bad reviews etc they accumulate and then suddenly you're working with johnny depp on crybaby and he was truly like you know leo before leo like the the marquee idol does a star at that level seek you out because he liked your work i went to him you went to him because i knew he was like justin bieber at the time he was on the cover of every teen magazine but he hated that image stick with us we'll get rid of that yeah yeah we'll fuck it up a little bit yeah the same way patty hearst made a movie with me she was sick of being a kidnap victim you just want to change changes i went to a big uh big fancy dinner where she was honored and the man sitting at her table i said how do you know patricia and he said well she robbed the hiberian bank which i owned and he paid five thousand dollars to have dinner with her she robbed his bank well when she was in the sli i mean she didn't think it up she didn't know where the bank was but still i mean it's amazing how things change it's the same way as what me getting picked by the national registry picked pink flamingos as a great american film what was the scene in that screening that made him decide that do my balls mama i mean what line the singing asshole i'm trying to think what particular i would think both of those things well maybe but that means they've got a pretty good sense of humor they place that movie above the graduate that was variety oh that was a hundred best comedies and i was there with charlie chaplin it was hilarious because when variety when the movie first came out we got one of the best bad reviews everywhere from variety and they later said that they were wrong which was very funny and i love variety i been reading it since i was 15 years old do you remember what they initially had said oh yeah the most beyond it out the most disgusting film of film history something really good yeah something very declarative and perfect marquee wasn't yeah it wasn't pussy footing around yeah no no no direct communication i we you have to know i think i think i even told you this when we first met but um at like almost every other show at snl or every table read we tried sarah sherman and i would try to write in me as any character any old character screaming no gator no no gator no from female trouble edith yeah that's edith yeah and every lauren just like frowning at me being like what are you why are you screaming what is this from why one of our great screamers it's i and just sarah sarah and i bonded for the first time because we each had female well that was in sarah's show recently i know it was great did you watch the whole thing of course and when am i gonna host saturday night live i don't know that would be genius you would be wonderful you've lost your in the crew i could write it's the only time i could ever write with somebody else oh my gosh i'll i'll come back for that all right good and you can do edith i can do edith wait i i've always i've i've meant to ask because i think when when we met was right before leslie van houten got paroled yeah i don't talk about that i don't talk about that i don't talk about that i don't talk about that anymore because i'll tell you why and i get why you ask there's no such person anymore she's never going to talk about it again she's vanished it's over yes because because and and this actually goes back to what you're saying about um everything changes like even something as like completely immoral and dark and awful and inhumane about what she was involved in and what she did well immoral when you're 19 and meet the biggest madman on his but she never blamed him she said it was her fault for making him a cult leader so all i'm saying is uh i just don't talk about it anymore only because it's over he's dead it's not over for the victims and nobody's saying that you know i don't i get why the victims you cannot ask for forgiveness if they give it it's amazing like charlie kirk's wife the next day she did say she forgave who did it that is christian it is christian for better or for worse well i'm just saying it's hard to do that i'm not picking sides uh if somebody killed my mother could i ever forgive them that's a that's a really amazing thing but i'm not talking about that i'm just saying that she was paroled correctly and she's out there's no such person she's never going to talk about it's over it's done and there is like um and you as a storyteller can understand like the the ending of something like the resolution of something where you're like there's nothing to talk about there isn't it's the story's been told many times a terrible story and uh what point would it be for her to talk about it there's no point i i completely understand i just was always so curious especially because it's it and we're not going to talk about it anymore but it's like oh it's it's over it's done and like you wrote such a beautiful essay about thank you and i think that the la times editorial we should it is time for her to live amongst us again made the governor not turn it down yes so the paper that made it the most notorious case in the world also amazingly and i believe correctly ended it and i think through her you really looked at your own sort of obsession with oh yeah i apologize for a lot yes yes yes yeah and now true crime i mean when we made serial mom that was a joke on but now true that was before true crime was as popular it is and now serial mom it looks like oj it was before oj even but it wasn't even meant to be prescient was it you were just kind of doing something well i was parodying true crime definitely yes introducing m&m's caramel you already love now popped into a totally new texture i'd say m&m's are one of those truly iconic snacks they've just launched a brand new freeze-dried innovation that brings a whole new vibe to the m&m lineup i mean come on what's not to love about m&m's by itself and if it's freeze-dried i feel like i'm in space m&m's continues to be that girl the crunch is unexpected in the best way way crisper than you think like you bite into one and there's this little pop that you don't see coming from something that still tastes like classic m&m's caramel sure they don't look exactly like the m&m's you know but they are the m&m's you love they're perfect for snacking when watching television scrolling on your phone or settling in for a movie and i'm already thinking they'll be great to have on hand while watching the culture awards yes the best part is they've got that classic m&m's 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Kathleen Turner, like, that's a signature presence. Oh, Kathleen's great. Good friend, funny. She doesn't suffer fools, but she's smart as hell and a really good actress. You can tell. Yeah. All right, so we have to ask you. You have your. I've become prepared. Your preparation here. Yeah, yeah. And that is perfect. We have a question that we ask every single person that comes on the show, and that, sir, was what was the culture that made you say, culture was for me? These early influences that made you, when you really look back on it, become John Waters or start? There was one culture only, and that was being a beatnik. When I read in Life Magazine about 10 years old, I wanted bongos. Day-o, day-o. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I went to coffee houses where they had poetry. I wanted to wear socks. I wanted to wear sandals, dirty sweatshirts. Your feet out. The girls with black nylons with seams in the back and turtlenecks. I still wear turtlenecks to this day because of beatniks. Poetry. Oh, coffee houses. Yeah. Interracial couples. Yeah. Howl. City Lights Bookshop. North Beach. Allen Gisberg and his boyfriend, Peter. That was the first queer beatniks. Junkie. William Burroughs. A junkie queer on top of it. Oh, wow. Leroy Jones. I always loved him. And Maynard Jones. And G. Krabs from Dobie Gillis, the first beatnik. And Malcolm Sowell, the most famous beatnik in Baltimore, who was the star of my first movie. And I just had my first poem published in The Atlantic last month. Come on. Now, I'm officially a beatnik. You're a beatnik. You made it. What was your first sort of exposure to this culture? Life Magazine. When I read about beatniks. Yeah. Life Magazine corrupted me. I read about junkies, homosexuals, beatniks, everything Life Magazine covered. And every family got Life Magazine. Yeah. Wow. Was this what led you to your first LSD trip? Certainly. Beatniks became hippies. Hippies became punks. And still now, I'm a beatnik. I went back to being a beatnik. Right. But what was. Pia Zadora in Harrisburg is a beatnik. Yes. And reads Howells. And Allen Ginsberg was mad. And I had to. He was pissed I asked him if I could use it. Were you. Because how old were you on the first trip? The first acid I took was in 1964. It wasn't even illegal until 68, I believe. And they used it in a mental institution for alcoholism. And my friend worked there. And he stole it. And it was. Oh, he was. It was Sandoz acid. It was so strong. Was it really? It was stronger than. Yeah. And I never. I did it a lot then. And then I stopped. And then I did it again for my book when I was 70 years old with Ming Stoll. We took acid again. And we hadn't in 50 years. It was still good. It was still good? I'd only tell old people to take it. Not young people. Stupid. The 60s are over. Because now when your family's concerned when you're old, you say, I'm not having dementia. I'm tripping. Yeah, I'm just vibing. And that's the last time. Yes. I would need to never do it again. And it was no, like, microdoses these young pussies take. I know. The little spray you see that people have. This was taken from Timothy Leary's asshole. Oh, my God. It was the best acid I ever took in my whole life. So I did it for the first time at the tender age of, like, 27. And I still feel like I have holes in my brain. So it wasn't a good experience? No, we were not together. It wasn't good? It was a great experience. I still have a fear that I just have, I took a melon ball to my head. And I'm like, am I less of a person now because of that? He's so much smarter now after it. I think you're probably better. Although some people I took LSD with went crazy. They became drug addicts. So it didn't do that to me. I'm not saying that it's for everybody. No, of course. And if you ever see, even Bill, who was the head of AA, who invented it, he wanted people to take acid. Have you ever seen it online when he said, can you see it? That's, like, the one people in AA don't exactly agree with. Same way Freud was wrong about cocaine. He was right about a lot of things. And penis envy is making a comeback. Penis envy is making a comeback. That's a rule of culture, number 30. It's the whole look-smacking thing. Like, yeah, like, I connected to that. It's like there's, like, this need for male approval in, like, right-wing circles. Well, it's also now. Them told me that when you go home with somebody now, you don't know what you're going to get. They said, whatever it is, it's politically correct to call it a bonus hole. It is? A bonus hole. How do you talk dirty? Get that bonus hole. You get your special. You get my bonus hole. Talk that dick, cocksucker. I don't know. It used to be shut up and blow me. That was the best porn title ever. Shut up and blow me. Yeah, but that's politically incorrect. You can't say that. Is it? I did a photo piece of that headline, and all women bought it, powerful women for their office. Yeah, good. Which I loved. No, I love when we get a suck my dick from a woman. Yeah. I mean. Did you ever, did you watch Heated Rivalry? Which, oh, yes, I did. So that, I feel like, is appealing mostly to women. To women, it is, which is amazing to me. And I always heard, and I asked butch lesbians if this is true, and they said yes, that butch lesbians like to watch gay men's porn. I don't get why. Literally, my therapist is a lesbian. She, every session, without fail, brings up Heated Rivalry. Heated Rivalry to the point where I'm therapizing her. I keep being like, so you've brought it up again, and I just want to ask. They're not supposed to bring up their personal life. But the thing is, I'm just like. To get your money back. At a certain point, I'm like, because she always relates in an interesting way. But she is a lesbian who's into Heated Rivalry. But that's not hardcore. That's softcore. You're going to watch it. And I asked why, and they said they want to have the big dicks themselves. Exactly. And I'm imagining, I guess. I don't know if that's true. Penis envy? No. Well. That's a form of penis envy. Envy for a cis woman. Size envy. I don't know. I think it has to do with safety, to be honest with you. I think it has to do with watching a love and a sex that has nothing to do with you. And therefore, it's kind of like, I feel detached from it. And it's kind of nice. I think that's why so many women are fanatical about Heated Rivalry. Not to say that gay men aren't. But it's different. There's like a passion towards the show. Yes. Good. It's a new audience they didn't count on. No. And I love that. And I bet the test screenings didn't predict that. No. And did you watch Hunting Wives? No. See, that was a lesbian Fantasia in Texas. No, it's so hard to turn on the TV that I have to have three assistants there to help me. Or I'll be duct taped to my bed. That, it's, I, I need, I need the same. I don't, I don't, I barely know how to work the remotes either. I yearn for three channels, rabbit ears and tinfoil. Because so many, it's so hard. It's too much. And the Sonos update, when I get them. And I have to go to a mental institution. I, I, I, I, I have three Sonos camp. You're not allowed to say that anymore either. No, yes you can. Mental, I don't think you can say, is that politically incorrect to say you're going to a mental institution? You can say send me to a mental institution. Oh, I'm on this show. Then this show is over. If you can't say that, we're ending the show. We can't. How about that? I still say I, I need to be institutionalized. And I, sometimes I do feel that. It's a munch house. Well, Betty Davis had the best line about that when they asked her about Faye Dunaway. She said, she belongs in an institution and I don't mean marriage. My favorite Betty Davis quote is, um, Someone asked her, how do you get into Holly when she goes, Yeah, yeah, that's great. That's things she learned. And there's always the famous one. And I do take Fountain, and I always think of that when I'm there. She lived on Fountain at the end. In a condo, she did, I think, yeah. Favorite Hollywood star of all time? Lana Turner. And I'm still friends with her daughter Cheryl, the most famous juvenile delinquent in Hollywood who killed Johnny Stompanato. And I had Thanksgiving dinner one year with Cheryl, her lesbian girlfriend, Lily Tomlin, and Lana Turner, and myself. How do you find these bank robbers? Do they come to you, or do you find them? Well, Cheryl was very famous. If you look back on that case, it was one of the most famous cases in the 50s. And in one of my books, I said I wanted to meet her, and her hairdresser read it and showed her, and she called me. Wow. And this is just a lesser version of what you've probably understood, is that through this, we'll mention one thing or one person, and it somehow finds its way to them. And I'm like, that is dangerous. I feel like it does not necessarily, it is not necessarily a force for good for me and my mental health. Because it gets, well, I've always said the only person left I want to meet is Eminem, and he still hasn't called me, and I've said it for two years. Why? What's the deal? I like him. What do you think is his deal? I'm all for him. Good. Maybe he's better than me. I highly doubt that. It's because he was- He's not homophobic. He gave Elton John and David for the wedding matching gold cock rings. He's- He's not homophobic. He's not homophobic. But is that part of the fascination for you? Like that he was so rampantly- No, I just like his record. And I used to go to this redneck bar in Baltimore, where it was all white guys dressed like black rappers hung out. And every time I'd walk in, they'd play Puke by Eminem as a tribute to me. Oh, wonderful. So every time I'd walk in, they'd be like, and I'd go, hi, and I'd sit down. So it was just a personal thing. So did you get the Eminem of it all when he had first come out? Because I think as young gays, hearing him on the radio say things like faggot and like, you know, like whatever, like stuff like that, I think it bothered us because we had our guards up. But you at that time- It didn't bother me. Hearing his music, it didn't bother you. It didn't bother you. I thought it was like- You were entertained. He was just causing trouble like we did. I don't know. Because it was just a white person being a rapper was so new and people hadn't seen that. Right. And it was over the edge. But no, I always liked him. Yeah. You love something or someone who chafes something. Who does something first and changes how we think. How we think about them. Yeah. Which he did do. Yeah. Absolutely. Puke. You can play the record. Maybe you can play the record at the beginning of the show or put it under me. We'll put it under. It'll score. Blend it. We will just mix it in. Lightly throughout the episode. Yes. I think we can make it happen on the show. Eminem, if Eminem's team, people are getting this, what would you like that encounter to be? Where would you want to be? What are you guys doing? Oh, just in private so we're not exploiting it. Of course. You know, come to Pete's house, Eminem. I'm just a friend for them. Yeah. Yes. They'll love you. Sing puke to me, please. Croon puke. And this is something that you cherish, right? Like you don't want these interactions to be for public consumption. No, no. And if he wanted to talk about, you know, it's just the kind of thing. I have met almost every famous person I ever want to meet. And I'm not bragging, but just I've been doing this. I'm 80 years old. I've been doing it for 50 years. And that's thrilling. It's exciting. And they like to meet. You too. It's fun. But at the same time, I have great friends that are not famous. Many of my closest friends are not famous than I've had for 50 years. And I don't trust people that don't have old friends. Absolutely. I feel like I'm now getting to the point where my old friends are college friends. But I feel like I did a full hard reset once I got moved to New York. I feel like Matt's really good because he grew up in Long Island, relatively close. You still have a connection to those people that you grew up with. I'm still, I'm still. But Facebook friend, that's not a friend. No, no, no. You have to work at it. You have to go out. You have to. You have to get your hair done. You have to make, see them in person. You have to go to their house. It's not just that. It's easy to do that. But to be a real friend is work. Yeah, it is. And I, what's that, what's that they say? Like discomfort is, is a, is a friend of community. Like in order to like really maintain community, you have to just make yourselves a little uncomfortable sometimes. Like maybe you haven't seen someone in a long time. Get out there to dinner and go see them. I tried to see my old friends at least twice a year. And then, you know, it's funny you say college friends are now old friends. That was technically half our life. I know. Like, which just feels like it went by like that. But you know, I've known you half my life. I've known you. Yeah, that's crazy. That's kind of wild. My best friend is Pat Moran, who's won, you know, she's cast all my movies. She cast The Wire. She's won Emmys. Wow, wow. We met because we had the same boyfriend and I've known her for 60 years and we've talked every single day for 60 years. So was it hard having the same boyfriend at first? Not really. No. They're both dead and we're friends. Who had him last? I'm not going to say that. Who had him best? I'm sorry. I really admire. This is the thing that I maybe took for granted is that you do have this wonderful protectiveness over information and people and lives. My personal life, nobody knows. Interesting. I mean, I don't hide it, but none of the people, none of the boyfriends I have. I want to be in the process. Exactly. And yet you're still, you're still, you're still known. You're still in the Agora. You're still like, it's, I do find it. You, you were also my first exposure into what P-Town was. Yeah. This is my 63rd summer there. I was going to ask. Yeah. So you've seen it all there. Oh yeah. I used to be friends with Norman Mailer. I worked in the bookshop. I waited on Robert Motherwell. I, you know. You worked in the bookshop. The premise on bookshop was my main job. The old one where the porthole building is, is the pot shop now. It's now across the street. Yeah. But I worked there and I worked before that for Molly Malone Cook and Mary Oliver before she was famous. Mary Oliver. She was my boss and she was huddled on the back in a peacoat acting crazy. Wow. But that's when I, I thought she's turned in her grave when I had a poem published. Oh. No, she was my girlfriend. He's a beatnik. I was with her when she won the Pulitzer, when she got her award or whatever award she got Pulitzer, I think. And so I knew him forever and I worked in both the bookshops there. That was my education. Yeah. Did you ever do those? Because now that you have those artists residencies and those shacks on the beach. Yeah. I don't want to be out there. We took the, um. You know, it's fun for an hour. I'm not lugging water out there. No, there's no plumbing. You shit in the sand. No, thank you. No, thank you. We did like the, the, the Jeep tour out there. That's good. I couldn't believe how far out. No, it's great, but I'm not lugging my stuff out there. No, no, no. Certainly not. Not you. Have a coyote come shit on me. At this juncture. No. I'm saying like you. You, uh, you still, you still expose yourself, but you are protective of others. Yes. Yes. I don't tell dirt about people that don't want it. No, I never do. I never say mean things about people. I learned a long time ago because then I sit next to them at a dinner. Literally. Yeah. It doesn't matter when. Yeah. Yeah. And I think, okay. And thank you for bringing this up because I think this is what Matt and I have learned because we used to kind of speak a little too freely on this. Well, then you don't know. I've had to sit next to. I've had to sit next to your critics who gave me terrible reviews. They're uptight too. Yeah. And they're nervous to meet you. Well, they don't want to sit next to me at dinner. It's an irresponsible host that puts you there. Or it was a devious host that was doing what they want to do. But I'm fine with it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you can handle whatever. You can handle whatever. Um, I feel like there is this, you, you've, I have Mr. Know-It-All, which I bought in Boston. Um, I have my hard copy with me. If you will sign it later. Of course I will. Thank you. But it was that way. It's not like he asked me to change the flat. And I have a flat you have to change. Which I couldn't do. If I had to change a flat tire or die, I'd have to die. Yeah, that's the thing. If I had to open the hood of my car or die, I'd have to die. So have you always chosen partners that this is a thing they can do handy? They can all do it better than I can. Right. Yeah. We've had, we've had conversations here with other, with gay men of all, of all stripes who are like. All persuasions. All persuasions who are like, if, if I'm forced to do anything manual, like I, you know, I choose to. No, if the grid goes down, we were set like a couple of friends of ours. They're, they're talking about getting guns for when the grid goes down. Well, you know, there is gays against guns, which I'm for, but then I saw somebody with a shirt on and said, give fags guns, which made me laugh too. That made you laugh more. Yeah. I don't know. Well, these gays are like, when the grid goes down, we're both getting guns. I'm like, babe, when the grid goes down, I'm out of here. I'll shoot myself in my leg if I have a gun. You're never the only one that said that. I've shot a gun once. A biker, a straight biker I know, took me in his Cadillac limousine, broken down the thing, and we shot machine guns in the woods and it was fun. Your first gun was a machine gun? Only gun. First and only gun. Listen. With a real biker to a straight guy I knew. And you, so you knew him enough that. Well, he invited me. Yeah, sure. And it wasn't like to, no, I blew him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like that. No, it's just machine guns in the woods. He's in one of my movies. He's in Desperate Living. He plays Eater. He has the line, you can suck my real hemorrhoids, you fat pig. That's his only line in the movie. Only line in cinema. And what year was this that you shot the gun? 77. Okay, so at that point you'd already like given guns, you'd already used guns in your films. In Pink Flamingo, that gun that Devine's shooting is a real gun with real bullets in it that just the unit photographer happened to own. We had no safety people. I don't know. We're lucky, you know. Yeah. I mean, there was nobody standing in front of him when he shot it. Sure, sure, sure. Devine certainly was not pistol safety. It's not one of his top things. at the time. And did you have an intimacy coordinator on that set? I always imagine when an intimacy. Do you mind eating shit? Is that okay? An intimacy. How do you feel eating the shit? And even in my last movie, A Dirty Shame, all the extras had to make out and hump with each other for hours every night. They didn't know each other. Of course. They just started laughing. I read a thing about Pasolini's Sala where they were underage and nude in it and they said, we had the best time. When he'd say cut, we'd just start laughing. We had the best time. What I will appreciate intimacy coordinators, let's say on Pink Flamingos, they would have said, this is how I would eat shit just so you have a way in and you don't have to second guess it. Did you ever work with them? I've worked with one. And what was the scene that they had to advise you on? Right. So you're going to love this. It was just two guys making out at the club. And I was like, I've had experience doing this. Was it a stranger? It was. Was it an extra? It was my love interest in the movie. Oh, so it was someone that you work with every day. That's just called acting. Right. That's stunt work, maybe. But they did give actually good blocking camera. Well, that's different than. Not a lot of tongue. Not a lot of tongue. And I think this was something that I maybe. I appreciated that knowledge, right? And I think I wasn't. I obviously would never wish an intimacy coordinator upon you. I would never want you. They'd run. They'd run. They'd just run. They would run. We had, for my last novel, my only novel, Liar Mouth, have to give it to a sensitivity editor. And she never called us back. We could never find her again. She quit. She didn't exist. No, there was. It was a famous one. And she was a big editor. And she refused to respond after we sent it to her. But then it got published. Yeah. So then it was fine. I had a great editor, Jonathan Galassi, who had faith in his own thing. Maybe she was like, if I were to impose sensitivity on this, it would lose what makes it special, so why would I do that? They never think that way. They wouldn't have a job. Yeah. And now a quick break from our sponsor, Vital Proteins. And it is vital. Collagen peptides is a wellness supplement that supports healthy hair, skin, nails, bones, and joints. When we hit 30, our body's collagen production starts to drop. And that's when Vital Proteins steps in. Their iconic blue tub. It's everywhere. People love Vital Proteins in part because it's so easy. Just mix it into your coffee, tea, or smoothie, and you're good to go. Right now, you can get 20% off your next order by going to vitalproteins.com and using promo code LASCULTURISTAS20 at checkout. Huge thanks again to our sponsor, Vital Proteins. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Every one. Yes, even you. And just like people, injectable prep options? Not all the same. Your routine. Your chaos level. All of it counts. Ask the questions. It's allowed. Encouraged, even. No? Don't worry. One thing, just to speak on the intimacy coordinator, did you use it for Fire Island? I used it for Fire Island. Not really, no. But my thing was a thing where I was like, the character was drugged and in a sexual situation. So then it became a thing of like, she was just kind of administering safety on it. But I do think it's wildly different when it comes to like, it depends what your film is depicting. Yes. The intimacy coordinator, I hear the conversation about it happening. I think it's a really fascinating conversation to hear when you speak to filmmakers who have been working for a long, long time this sort of like, confusion towards it and now it's so industry standard that I just wonder how that rubs with people that have been working. I hated filming sex scenes. I never liked it. It's embarrassing. Because it's awkward? To me it is. You know, like, do this. You know, I just want to make them comfortable. But I mean, in Pink Flamingo's divine, really gives head. Yeah. Was that real? Yeah. Wow. And to a straight guy and he started laughing, they were friends. He didn't get hard. But he had to yell, do my balls, mama. One of the rudest lines in the movie. One of the rudest. Do my balls, mama. Imagine the intimacy coordinator on that. Do you mind saying that? Yeah. So how I would say it is. Go ahead. No. No, I was doing. I thought you were going to give me a line reading. Right. Do a line reading. It's just do my balls in the last one. I was going to land mama. Do my balls, mama. Good. I did my audio books of all my screenplays came out and I play every role in all six movies. So it's, and I had to yell do my balls, mama. I'd look over at the technician thinking, Jesus, I hope they were prepared for this. Because when you're reading your own book and it's dirty, it's more mortifying. It sounds filthier when you read it out loud than when you write it or read it. And then like with that much time passing, you're like, oh, I didn't realize. I know. Well, certainly those lines. You can't like now I can say fuck on national network television, but I can't say fat on PBS. And which would you rather say? Both. Fat fuck. Both, of course. You'd rather say fat fuck on Fox. Yeah. I, okay. So Mr. Know-it-all, I think, was that where you coined filth elder? Maybe. I don't remember. Yeah, I did call myself that, but I did not call myself the Pope of Trash. William Burroughs. William Burroughs did. And all those other titles the press made up. The only thing I ever called myself was a filth elder, which is not exactly bragging. But do you love Pope of Trash? Sure. Because William Burroughs said it. It's like being anointed from God. Of course. I have that shirt too. I have the John Warner's Pope of Trash shirt. Wait till you see the new stuff we have. There's new stuff. Have you seen the cum rags? The John Woodard's cum rags? I'm the only celebrity cum rag. And we have puke bags. Not for long. I'll get in there. And puke bags we have. All through Seth Bogart's company. And he did these, but we have a whole new line. Wait till you see what we got coming out soon. I framed the puke bags from the 50th anniversary screening of Pink Flamingos from P-Town. Yeah, we were in P-Town for that. That's right. That's where we met. It was one of my favorite nights. It was my first time in P-Town. We were seeing the 50th anniversary of Pink Flamingos. They were showing Fire Island at the film festival. Yeah, it was Fire Island. We saw it, yeah. But Filth Elder, do you feel like there are filth protégés? Do you feel like there are a bunch of filth? Sure. I mean, there's young people that don't imitate me. They're the ones that do. I don't like the work. They're just trying to be shocking without being funny or witty. Yes, yes. But there's certainly young filmmakers that surprise me. They're mostly French like Gaspar Noé and Bruno Dumont and all these kind of people. Kind of young filmmakers that are. I love Eddington. I loved. Uh-huh. Surratt was. Did you see that movie? Oh. It is so good. So I'm just saying there's still great movies out there, definitely. Yes, but none have this kind of like. I don't know. There's just a good-heartedness to all your films. Is that fair to say? Yes, I think I was. I made fun of things I loved my whole life, not that I hated. And maybe that's why, including I started by making fun of myself by calling my films trash epics and everything. You know, I think, I think that's one of the things that immediately. So one of the. We asked this question, what was the culture that made you say culture was for you? And one of my answers to that is I was 10 years old and my parents took me to see Hairspray on Broadway. And Good Morning Baltimore, I think that what jumped out about it the most for me was the fact that she was so joyfully, joyously singing about and playing in her world of filth. Even when she's getting flashed. There's the flasher who lives next door. I played the flasher in Adam Shankman. Yep, yep. Typecast. Perfect. But there is, there is something about that. It's one of the, one of the things I think is the most unfortunate things in the world is people who take themselves seriously. And so watching her just immediately eschew all of that. But she loved her life and she was so self-confident. She was so proud of the place she came from even though it was garbage. You know, and in that way it then wasn't garbage and she saw hope in it and she saw, she saw possibility and future in it and she just went for it. That, I think, it being made into a musical and then into a movie musical, that message keeps getting delivered to kids and it's important. You can't screw it up. You can't screw up Hairspray. Even a bad version of it. No, yeah. Yeah. Because the characters, Tracy stands for anybody ever that was hassled for being different in any kind of way. Who takes what they were hassled by, exaggerates it and wins. Mm-hmm. That's all you can do. If they use something against you, own it. Grab it and say, yes, I am. And then make it work. It takes a long time to learn that, though. And I feel like, you know, her, like that, it's just an important thing. It's like that thing that makes you different is what makes you special. That's like the twee way of saying it. But it's, that you said it. We haven't heard that term in a while. Yeah. We love saying twee. I like it too. When you speak that way, there's a whole language called something. You know, I'm so allergic to it, but like, I'm sure we could do it. We could get all twee with each other. It's more angry. John Waters' films really break the mold. of what's acceptable. Legitimately. It's that kind of like, I don't know. And we do that all the time. We're guilty of that in earnest. But we love to make fun of it too. I think that's us making fun of ourselves. Well, it's important to do that. We are not twee. I am going to reject this. No, I don't think you are either. Thank you so much. I feel like the beatnik thing though is what developed a good taste for you. And so then you learned the rules and then you were able to revel in bad taste. Well, I was able to realize like a dirty t-shirt could be great and bad. I don't know. It was beatniks outraged people at the time when they came out. And it was the first thing I saw rebellion that I wanted to do. I always say the first record you buy as a child, no matter how young that your parents hate, that's the beginning of the soundtrack of your life. What a terrible thing to like your children's music. That stunts your child. If you say, oh, I love that record. You're going to keep finding one you until you hate it. You're so right. It's true. You're so right. I yeah. And I think that a bad taste or good taste, whatever side it falls on is is just compensating for like the thing that you were lacking. Maybe I was drilled good taste and you have to learn those rules to make fun of bad. Yeah. So I thank my parents for that. Like what did that like? How did that show up for your parents? Like they were like, this is how you wear. Oh my God. They my mother thought you should die if you were white shoes after like, really? I'm still right wing on that. You can't wear velvet before Thanksgiving. You can't wear patent leather before Easter. I believe you should die if you do like in serial mom. Who is that actress who was also in Crybaby? Like the woman, the juror who gets murdered in serial. Patty Hearst. That's Patty Hearst, of course. Oh my gosh. Just fashions change. No, it kills her. Yeah, I know. Kills her. Patty really takes that hit well. Even Kathleen said better than any stunt woman I've ever worked with. Oh my God. It really did. But I think this is so like I was like reading something about like where how bad taste shows up and it's in these cultures. I'm just gonna I'm just gonna throw these out there. People can come for me, but it's like between like Russian gaudiness and like some kinds of Asian gaudiness like Saudi gaudiness. Like these are all from. It's hairhopper. People that spend too much time on their hair without iron or iron without irony and act rich when they're not because because they're show labels and and look the same as everybody with no hair, a hairhopper. You shouldn't Swiss people know how to be rich. You hide it. Yeah, because it's coming from like like in let's say like in all these parts of the world that I just just kind of rattled off. It's like because they were coming from like desolate really, really just austere places, right? We're like, oh, you didn't have the nice you had no idea. You had no access to anything. Maybe the tyranny of good taste. They'd never grew up with that isn't a sort of an American or British thing, which is what you grew up with your parents. Yeah, this tyrannical sense of like this is what you have to do. Well, they were very opinionated on and they taught me what was right and wrong and I'm not sorry. They did. I still use a lot of the stuff that they taught me. Yeah, and but yet they were horrified by the movies I made right up to the end, but they supported me doing it. They were and they were which is amazing and my parents had a happy 70 year marriage. So I give them great credit. Wow. And then that also expands your palette in terms of like like I have always I love I think I think I got my first like sort of written sense of like come to Garcon like Ray Kawakubo stuff from role models or I was like, oh, yeah, like you still have this appreciation for like like the current fashion. Do you still go to metal shows? Yeah, I went to I went to see Nine Inch Nails just recently. We went to Nine Inch Noise. I saw them in LA at Anaheim. Oh, wasn't it fabulous? The audience is really I just like looking at the audience at all these shows. It's wild. It was good. Yeah. It was like it was like it's time for for faggots to love Nine Inch Nails again. Oh, I go to heavy metal. I just like to look at the kids. What are you looking for? Because you're observing. Something new. Some new thing and I just think they look great. And they're having fun and they always I'm always the oldest person there ever since William Burroughs died. I'm the oldest person. Yeah, not that I'm the same, but he was always the oldest when I were and it went anywhere. Yeah. And so no, I just like to see the energy. Yeah, I'd like to see I hate old people like my age and say we had more fun. No, you didn't. I just don't know what's going on. Yeah, fun adapted. I would have been a hacker. How just except they have bad clothes. That poor posture. Yeah. It's just hunched over the hackers should be using those the standing desks with the treadmill. They walk on. Yeah, you're going to do great hackers. So hacker clothes like you can't there's norm core. Yeah, because you there's no clay on the table for you to mold around. No, there's no rebellion look for a hacker because you got to blend in. Yeah, you're out. You don't want to get a dark web. You don't dress for it. What do you think of like the the people still debating what can't is now that they're old Queens that the last movie they saw was Rita Hayworth. I don't know anybody that would say the word camp. Yeah, you've never you don't say it. No that word was over in ninth after Susan Sontag wrote. Yeah, sitting in a antique store under Tiffany lampshade talking about Betty Grable movie. Holy moly. Then it became camp became. I don't know trash. Then it became filth. Now. It's just American humor. Yeah. Now it's just met. It's just funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like your stuff will always be singular. It will never be like even as I'm wearing merch, even as you're at the Academy, even though even as it's being like institutionally recognized, it will always have this like like this this this this fingerprint of like this is worse now. You think it's worse now? Yes, because they're political correctness. Yeah, you say happy birthday fat. So you can't say that anymore. Like they're the stuff in there. You can't say any of this shit that's worse than it ever was. And yet still nobody gets mad. Have you heard about this movie? The drama with Zendaya? I'm dying to see it, though. Yeah, I think you'd love it. I think you'd love it. I mean, there's a lot of fan of him. He's wonderful. And he takes chances in all movies. Yes, he does. Um, and I'm dying to see it. Isn't it the same? Didn't Ari Aster executive produce? He did. And I love Ari Aster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was I was gonna say. Remember the movie about sleep being dogs lie where the girl tells her boyfriend everybody's playing tell the truth and she says she blew her dog. Uh-huh. This is the same kind of genre. It's the same conceit where I know the secret. Don't tell. Yeah. But in that way, she like confesses to this deep dark secret, right? And it's about like, you know, gun violence and it's no, I know what it's about. I'm dying to see it. That's the next movie I'm paying to see. Yeah. I think about female trouble all the time where Divine literally shoots up the audience who wants to die for it. That's so politically incorrect after that happened for real. Yeah. Yes. That puts it in a whole different that's really what it is. And I almost no one ever complained about that. I've literally like 10 years ago, you could make gun violence jokes. You we would do it like back at like UCB and stuff like we were doing sketch comedy like there were there would be it was maybe this is just young people doing comedy and sketch comedy and like doing what they think was funny. But a common thing was for a gun to come out. Nowadays up makes ass and desperate living. I cringe at that. It would make people nervous. Now make people nervous, man. Yeah, people really nervous now, though, that it's like, no, even even the pink flamingo thing with Divine with the gun sometimes they exit out and stuff really well because it's literally triggering and everybody in the politicians in Baltimore always say, how can we make the city better? I said, don't just put out a bumper sticker the wire. It's still like that. And that's supposed to make it better. Well, let me tell you the wire in Japan. They love it really internationally. One of the most known and love things about Baltimore is one of the best TV shows ever. Yeah. So why do we hide that? Why do we hide that? I mean, do you know if your movies play in Japan? Oh, I've been there with them and they love it there. Yeah, they're great. Oh, they must. It was a huge hit because they love Eddie Furlong. They love hairless, androgynous men. Yes, they do. Leonardo to them is, you know, Sylvester Stallone. They would so gag like the bears. They don't get that. They there's there's a there's a very specific subculture of bears in Japan that they have. They have eagles. They have multiple eagle locations. Yeah. Oh, OK. Well, the eagles everywhere. You're right. It's just not a young person ever in one because it does look different on young people. You think so? Yeah. What do you make of pups of these? What do you make of these twinks who go around? They're not all twinks. Lock them up. I'm just kidding. Like the rest of the dogs. Adult babies. Lock those fuckers up. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't get it, but you can be whatever you want. But however, aren't plushies lesbians? I'm not sure. I don't get that either. But I went to plushie night accidentally once in the Eagle in Baltimore and it was mostly lesbians. And I thought, I didn't know that. It was like. And plushies are different from furries. No, I think it's the same. It's the same. Who wants to get dressed up like a fucking stuffed animal and have sex? It's too hot. It's so warm, yeah. But then I think probably something else takes over in the brain that it's satisfying where you don't think about how it's hot. You only think about how it's satisfying. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. There's some things that lose me. Adult babies, when I see them, and their fag hags are called mommies, and they nurse them. And if you're sitting in a bouncy chair at 60, weighing 100, 200 pounds, lock them up. I ain't marching for them. No, no one's marching for them. Yeah, some people are. Some people are. The rights of adult babies, not me. Well, have you checked in on, I guess, the closest thing to the chaos, Euphoria? Have you watched any of Euphoria? I haven't, and I should. You're fine. You're fine. But we're dealing with adult baby stuff on Euphoria this season. I read all about the shows, and I don't know why. I do the same thing, and I'll check in on clips. And I'll be like, okay, this is what's happening. But there was some scene last night in Euphoria where I was watching it for a second, and then I was like, this kind of feels like a John Waters movie. It's like, you know, Jacob Elordi getting the shit kicked out of him by the mob, and Sidney Sweeney has a bloody nose, just her huge tits and her wedding gown, just like sobbing, like, what's happening? And I'm like, there's something here, spiritually. That feels like one of your movies. I guess. But were you laughing? I was laughing because I wasn't laughing. I didn't have it in context. I don't know if I'm supposed to be laughing at home. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel anymore watching the show, which I think is an issue. Well, maybe that's why people are talking about it. I think you're probably right. Yeah. I think it's time. It's time. Okay, so this is what else must be on your board there. Well, I was told I had homework. I had two particular things. See, I hate being a podcast that gives homework, but it is fun homework. That's fine. That's good homework. Yeah. So this is, I don't think so, honey. The worst is when you give it and they don't prepare. It happens all the time. Who did the worst? The worst? I don't think so, honey, ever. Probably us at some point. No, we bomb every week. We really do. I don't think that's true. And well, now I watch when I bomb. No, watch when I bomb. Every one. Yes, even you. Not all the time. All the same. Your routine. Your chaos level. All of it counts. Ask the questions. It's allowed. Encouraged, even. No? Don't worry. Just head to getprepwisdom.com. Getprepwisdom.com to learn what to ask your doctor. Anyway, this is Out on Things So Honey. It's going to be a one-minute segment. It's going to bomb or it's going to not. It's going to be what it is. So this is one minute. Do you mean I have to talk fast like the ads of the side effects at the end of a drug ad on the radio? You know, don't feel pressured to do that, but if you could. All right. Yeah, we're going to model it for you first. All right. And then you're going to choose your own adventure. That's okay. That's fine. All right, so I do have something. It's been a struggle. I've had this on the brain for a while, and I feel like I actually haven't taken to the mic on this, so this is a good opportunity. Here we go. We're breaking new ground. This is Matt Rogers. I don't think so, honey. His time starts now. You can't buy any medication you want at the CVS because it's behind the fucking lockbox. Get real. I need Mucinex D so it cannot work on me. By the way, also, I don't think so, honey, Mucinex D. They said there's meth in this. Fuck off. Is that why it's behind the glass? Because there's meth in it? You can make meth with it. Okay, that's ridiculous because I'm taking it. It's not even helping me get not sick. It's not going to create meth. Every time I'm in the CVS or the Walgreens, I have to ring the fucking bell. They take their sweet time getting over here. Now you can't even get toothpaste. Can you make meth from toothpaste? Because you would think I am really having a hard time when I go into any store, and I'm like, why can't I get this? Oh, because if the wrong person came in here and got it, they're going to create meth with it. By the way, I've been not sick for two weeks, but having whatever's going on here, for two weeks, Mucinex D, I guess I have to increase the meth in there because it's not working on me. Claritin, is there enough meth in that? I can't get enough meth to get me not sick. Just let me have the fucking medication that I need. And that's one minute. Plus, you have to check out yourself. This is what I'm saying. Like, I need your help to come get me the product, and then you're of no help when I'm checking out? I know. What the hell? And they act mad. I thought, if I didn't act, you won't have a job. You should be glad I don't work. Well, by the way, there's only three people working in there at any given time. So, this is the battle of the machines. Ever done meth? Maybe not. I did, I shot diet pills once, though. How did that happen? You got a cold shake. Oh, it was horrible. Big black bubble rose in my arm. Don't ever. Oh, my God. I did crazy shit when I was young, but I never got into it that much. I never liked shooting up. It was like, but I had good veins. He did meth one time on accident. I did almost everything else. When I stopped taking drugs was ecstasy. A drug that makes you love everybody. That's not a high for me. See, I love it. I can't get enough of it. I would hate it. You would hate it. In a cuddle pile. Can you picture me in one? No. Don't. Stay away from ketamine, then. Oh, I wouldn't do that one either. No, it's bad. You just drink water all the time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the ketamine, that will get you barnacling on someone that you're like, I don't even like you that much. But here I am. It's what you got to do. Here we go. You ready? I'm ready. Do you need my phone? Oh, no. I have my own phone for it. All right, so this will be Bowen Yang's I Don't Think So, Honey. And get this, if I can get my thing up. Where is my, where is, there we go. This is Bowen Yang's I Don't Think So, Honey. His time starts now. I Don't Think So, Honey, the distance between the beach and the main dragon province town. This is why I will always still gravitate towards Fire Island, despite the way it changes year to year, despite the the crowds, you never know where you're going to get. P-Town represents wonderful stability and wonderful community. And yet, if you want to sunbathe in any sort of respectable fashion, you got to go to the public pool. I love a public pool, but sometimes even that gets a little too crowded. Yes, I do, John Waters. I don't love riding a bicycle, especially given my family history with bicycles. Three different generations of bike accidents. I'm not going to chance it. There's a curse on the Yang family. So that's why I will never really get it up in a sense to go to the beach in Provincetown. And you never know where you're going to get weather-wise. And there's just shit in the sand because the artists and residents are taking dumps on the beach. I'm just assuming that's what's happening. But I feel like that's the main sort of obstacle I have with P-Town. And that's what I meant. Why don't you just go to the small beach on commercial? It's right on the Bay Beach. It's right there. Go to the Bay Beach. That doesn't count. Well, you can't say this. It's the Bay Beach where you have to walk across the dunes with all the bicycles and all that. That is like a real beach to me. Well, that's because people are having sex. But that's not even the appeal. How do you get a real beach? Are people having sex on it? They're not doing that at the Bay Beach. But I do, as I get older, love P-Town more and more over Fire Island. There's no way it can compete. First of all, in P-Town, you have restaurants. Just that alone. You don't have restaurants. No. Well, there's a couple. There's a couple. I mean, there's food. Yeah. There's not restaurants. Like, if you go to Cherry Grove, you can get your restaurants. Right. That's which is where you'll be when you go, right? I play both the other places in the Pirates. You do both. It's nice. But you are not going anywhere near the Belvedere. I don't. I mean, I'll remember that place forever. I've stayed there a couple times. It was very, very kind of like Pink Narcissus. Yes. I mean, it is fantastic in that way. Literally, where it feels like you're in a fantasy. I would think you'd love it. But can you picture me in the baths? I've never gone to the baths in my life. Walking around in a towel is not how I do well. I feel like you'd go dress just like this. I would. Yeah. That was a problem. So what? You're you. You can do whatever you want. But I'm trying to blend in in between shows. That's right. That's right. All right, John. All right. Are you ready? I'm going to talk fast. Okay. This is John Waters. I don't think so. Honey, as time starts now. I can't stand the way some people talk. I hate it when actors use the word journey. That's not a fucking journey. Winning a Spirit Award. Escaping from Ukraine is. I hate airlines when they say your flight is because of weather. There's always weather. You need bad weather. Or when the MPA say rated X for language. There's always language. We talk about a silent film. I hate actors and say they're humble. We'll go down the SNM bar and get it shut up and get smacked around. I hate people say surreal. If you're talking about Dolly, all right, not some boring thing in your daily life. I hate it when weathermen say wind chill and heat index that bullshit words. I hate when gay people said, this is my lover. Who are you? Lady Chatterley. I hate it. Also, when gay people say to me, Hey girl, that I don't know. Excuse me. Do I look like a girl? I guess it failed getting dressed this morning. People say, are you a top or a bottom? It's not a political party. I'm independent. And worst of all, when people say, can I take your picture? No, my picture is home with Kool-Aid in it. - Oh, thank God. just about modern life and i love it did i hit the minute you did exactly 56 seconds and and the slapping down of the of the paper was the final four all right we love pitcher i hate i take i've heard newsmen say that look at this picture oh my god you should be fired you should be people say that's a regional thing no it's not it's stupid i was just ready i'm an idiot at pizza i'm coming up to you oh my god hey girl it is surreal to see you can we have a picture i hate when people oh god it is surreal to see you girl i need a picture hey girl a little too familiar what how long would you have to know someone for them to call you girl never do i look if i fail getting dressed today sir yeah yeah there you go hi king what if someone called you king better girl yeah i guess so i guess so daddy oh no i'm good that's what they call old people zadio zadio zadio is interesting i like that chickens make good soup that's what my friend pat moran when she dated an older man her mom said that old chickens make good soup yeah what is that supposed to mean like when you're old young people go after you say yeah old chickens make good soup yeah what's the soup come no it's just girl you're a girl you are second to stern tender yeah tender old chickens make good soup it means you want to bathe around in their broth yeah that's interesting i i guess yeah i guess i guess i guess old people do old chickens make good stuff he wants some old people soup i want old people crazy cannibal ass yeah well john waters the star of kevin on amazon prime i'm one of the stars i'm not this time i think aubry plaza also involved whoopi goldberg oh the whoops the whoops john waters any parting words of wisdom i don't know that i would ever preach to anybody i don't know that i would ever preach to anybody i don't know that i would ever preach to anybody i don't know that i would ever preach to anybody i want to hear your words of i don't know that i would ever preach to anybody i want to hear your words of winsome of things that would make me winsome of things that would make me winsome of things that would make me nervous if you're younger than me nervous if you're younger than me nervous if you're younger than me are you prompting us right now yes what are you prompting us right now yes what are you prompting us right now yes what would make you nervous oh my god would make you nervous oh my god would make you nervous oh my god what would make you nervous it sounds like what would make you nervous it sounds like what would make you nervous it sounds like i think you should feel i think you should feel i think you should feel completely completely completely liberated or whatever about talking about liberated or whatever about talking about liberated or whatever about talking about this uh this uh this uh this idea of like this idea of like this idea of like political correctness i feel like that's political correctness i feel like that's political correctness i feel like that's the thing that that that makes everybody the thing that that that makes everybody the thing that that that makes everybody nervous and yet i feel like you have nervous and yet i feel like you have nervous and yet i feel like you have you've probably earned a place where you you've probably earned a place where you you've probably earned a place where you can just sort of you've seen it all can just sort of you've seen it all you've done it all you've shocked everybody up and down like i think you don't have to be nervous about anything but i make fun of the rules that we live by not our parents i make fun of the liberals rules yes and now there are more rules in my parents head oh trust me we understand we do we we understand that completely um i have a thing okay so on every episode we end with a song so you're gonna do that this time you're gonna end this episode with a song hey hey set me free stupid cupid start fucking with me lost culture racist is the production by will ferrell's big money players and i heart radio podcasts created and hosted by matt rogers and bowen yang executive produced by anna and produced by becca ramos edited and mixed by duck bame and our music is by henry komerski this is an iheart podcast guaranteed human