Paul Walter Hauser w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril - Ft. Alex Moffat - We MIght Be Drunk Podcast

Hey, hey, we might be drunk. We're back, baby. Sam's home from Europe. Back from the war. It's good to see your face, man. Yeah. The hair's coming in. It's good there. You got a little little Richard Spencer going on. I know. I hate the in the army now over here. Like the the short size. I'm gray on the side. So it looks even whiter. But it's your back. I'm back, baby. You look like no more big hat. No, that hat. I got creamed online. I mean, I read every comment they were hilarious. Four is gone. But good on you for embracing it. Oh, yeah. I liked every one of them. It was fun. I mean, that's what you expect. Yeah. I think these comics are trying to hide it. I think you got to lean in. Lean in. I know they are. I'm not going to name any names. But all the new soldiers does a bit about it. So the New York comics own it. They they Mateo, Sodor, Hamilton, myself. Yeah. Yeah, man. No, Europe was was cool, man. I'm glad it's held to be back though. The second you hit that tarmac, you're just like, I know. I know. I know. I did like maybe one city too many. Right. Once I landed in Copenhagen, I was like, this I might have done too much. I feel like that's everything with overseas. You're like, this is amazing. Look at these buildings. Look at the food. Oh, my God. And then there's always that like, I gotta get back. I go hard to every city I land. And I'm just like, do like, do I do a gig in Copenhagen? I do a pito joke. I'm making fun of the joke. I forgot the joke. But it's like, I make fun of people with sex with 15 year olds. And it bombs. And I was like, what the hell was that? I get off stage and go, that's the age of consent here. And I was like, what? Well, that's a joke. And then and then I was like, what then they go, they're trying to get it lower. I'm like, day, who's day? Wow. I was like, would be a flight to go now. I guess it's the same. And I said, is that the same? I'm like, Stockholm. Yeah. I was like, this is crazy. Wow. Because you always hear Europe. They're more advanced. They're more sophisticated. But boy, 15. How about that? Not good. Wow. That means Epstein's island to them is normal. Well, they're, they must have been some younger ones too. Yeah. 15. You should have relocated. Tough winters though in that part of the world. Yeah. It's not as sexy as an island. That's true. That's like going to shack up with a gal. The young lady gets a warmth. Hellsinky is like, they get in the winters. They get like three hours of daylight. I know. And by the way, amazing city, Helsinki. Oh, beautiful. I'd never been there, dude. I know. Cool. You kind of undersold it for me a little. Okay. But they, oh my God. I guess saunas are from Helsinki. And they gave me a whiskey that's like made in saunas. So it smells like. Whoa. Smells like a man's balls. Yeah. Pretty cool. Did you get, I felt like the crowd. Is that way? Helsinki. Where am I thinking? Finley. Yeah, I thought the crowd was tough in Helsinki. I actually had a good crowd. I had other places. I had, you know, a while to get going. But Helsinki, they were pretty drunk. They were rallying. They wanted it dark. Oh, interesting. I kind of was like, all right. Did you get the fish soup? The fish soup? That's their thing. Fish soup. I had soup. I don't know if I had fish soup. Oh, it's really good. I had a lot of, a lot of herring. That's the thing over there, the herring. Yeah, they love fish. And then did you go to Stockholm? I did. That's a great thing. The women. Oh my God. Oh, man. It's all just tall blondes. It's crazy. Yeah. And I had a, I had a good ass time in Stockholm. Athens. Great. Yeah. You feel the heaviness of Budapest. So that's like, have you done Budapest? Never been. I guess I was not aware of how bad they've had it. I don't know. Anything about Budapest. Well, they went from Hitler to Stalin. I guess that's a lot of that part of the world. But like, they feel like they've hit, they've been hit. Right. And like, and it still feels that where you go to like Zagreb and like they've been through some like, you know, encroation. They've been through like the Civil War and everything. But they, it feels like they're just like, yeah. That's draws in Petrovich, the Croatian player. Oh, wow. Do you ever see? Yeah, he's naked. They don't, yeah, they don't wear clothes when they play over there. It's weird. Thank God. Close call us extra. No, but you know, they made a great documentary, "Wonch Brothers" on ESPN 30 for 30s. And it's about the Yugoslavian Civil War and like how the team almost beat the dream team. They were that good because they like draws in Petrovich, Dino Raja, Vlady Dvox, and Tony Coocoach. So they were stacked. But then the war happens. They're split up, draws in and, and Vlady never speak again because of the war. So they're split up. They both make the NBA. They never speak in. Draws and dies in a car crash. His girlfriend's driving. She survives. The person in the back, she survives. He's in the front seat, sleep, and he dies. Oh, imagine going on a war and then dying in a car crash. I know. Crazy. But wow. Yeah. Never let your web drive web. Never. That's the lesson we got. Good boy. Yes. But I don't sleep. That's crazy. Wow. Well, Zagreb. Well, I've never even heard of it. It sounds like a, like a Star Trek villain. Dude, Zagreb. It's awesome. Really? They were asking for you. They want you to come. Pull up some Zagreb folks. And a thousand people there. Wow. It's fucking Zagreb. What's Balkans? Wasn't that the one where you're like, I'm hurting in Zagreb. Or was that Budapest where you were like, it turned around. Okay. Look at pretty. This is unbelievable. Isn't it cool? I'm going to Zagreb. Wow. They got trawlies. Yeah. Not a beautiful place, man. Holy moly. I just brought a friend. Yeah. Just like, you know, hit the town. We booked some of these cities when we were single. He's got a lady too now. Yeah. Oh my God. Do we wanted to hit like Stockholm? We're like, let's add Stockholm and Copenhagen. Then we got there. We're like, it's all jack off before the show. Jack over the window open. Look at her. 15. Who cares? Oh, yeah. That's on the third man thing. So that's pretty cool. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. 18, 1897, dude. Damn. The Coney Island roller coaster is pretty old as well. Not 1897. No, I think it's 19. You know, yeah, that's the famous scene. Yeah. Well, and any other picks I sent you, Celicus? Oh, that's the third man, tunnel, dude, from the famous scene when he's running away. It smells so fucking bad. And there's a sewer. So, so it smells so fucking bad that apparently Orson Wells wouldn't shoot. And that he was just like, he was like, let's just build a stage and shoot the rest. Like one dinner or something. So he shot like some most of it there. But then he was like, I can't take this smell. There it is. Pretty cool, man. Wow. Oh, God. Oh, dude. So in Zagreb, they have a museum of broken relationships. So like, you got to go to the museum. It's literally people donate shit that they like a breakup or a love thing that went south. Yeah. So picnic basket. Yeah. What does it say? My my lover was enthusiastic about having sex in the open outside. So I got as a gorgeous cliche of a picnic blanket. Sorry. It's a little small gang ham wool with faux leather straps. The whole works. Unfortunately, we broke up before we got a chance to use it. The population density in Belgium is very high. It's difficult to find a quiet spot and the weather does not help either. Yeah. So we're stuff like that. Some of them are funny. Some of them are sad. And there's the blanket. And it's just that's the whole museum. It's just oh, I had a breakup. And you realize like, wow, a lot of relationships end because of like, you know, distance. Some of them are just like the person died. Exactly. I'm like, I'm never coming back, baby. Yeah. That's a mirror. That's another one. Someone donated. Yeah. It's pretty standing mirror for hours. My wife is standing in front of this mirror, getting herself ready every day in the morning. And in the evening, it was okay for me. Even if at times I found this little obsessive. Bone calls in front of the mirror. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Now she, I think she cheated on him or something. And then now he's got the mirror. Wow. But they were, I was like, this is kind of fascinating to read. Yeah. I don't know. And then, uh, there's the motor museum in Philly where it's just dead people. And it's like a guy with a hole in his head. It has a hammer. You know, and then there's a guy with like a bullet through his head. And he's like, my wife found me. Whatever. It's fun. Yeah. Great. Great. If we're talking museums, that's when I was in Warsaw. They have like a little tourist spots. I don't know who's buying these. They're trying to play to Jews. But they're like, here's some Hebrew stereotype. Yeah. And it's sure they're like, yeah, I'm not, no one's buying that. I don't know. Sam and Peter. He's complaining about the meals. And, uh, yeah, I went to the camps. Madonna. Fuck. Damn. Oh, you did heavy stuff. Oh, my God. Yeah. Hard to crack a joke there. It was. Oh, jeez. I'm so privileged in New York. I saw that I was like, what is this? Arturus? Look at that. Let's go love it, baby. But, uh, I did make jokes. We had tour guys. And they have a sense of humor about you have to have. That's a part of, you know, coping. You have to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, uh, yeah. Heavy shit to do that. And then go to the show. But yeah, did two nights in Warsaw. Fucking worth it. Awesome. Yeah. Louis had that great joke about a, is it Dachau? Drakau? Dachau. Dachau. He's like, I want to duck out. And they have a, they have a Twitter account. He's like, why do they have a Twitter? There's something like 18 year old girl like a charge of it. I don't know. So I feel about when you see like hospitals promoting. Yes. We'll find you. Yes. Oh, they're like, we're open Christmas. You're like, yeah, we know. Yeah. You have to be. When I can touch that footy bit about, uh, Oreos tweeted, hey, we support the trans move. But or whatever. And he's like, you're a cookie. Be a cookie. And he's got that. I had a bit about that with fucking, uh, Skittles, where I said, black trans lives matter. And I'm like, yeah, how does it taste the rainbow? Right. Oh, yeah. You have to overdo it. You're already there. Yeah. But, uh, else in your mouth. Yeah, no, it's fucking killer, man. Killer trip. But, uh, yeah, I'm, you know, good to be back. But you do two weeks, three weeks, two, two, two weeks and like two nights, probably. Wow. Yeah. It's really going for a while. It slides by, though. I mean, you're just, you're working. You're in constant movement. You land. You just want to do shit. That's, I just want to, you do stuff during the day. You're like, I only get like one or two nights in each city. So you want to, you want to make a count. It's hard on you. Because you want to see the city. But then you got to work on your set. But then you want to get drunk after and then you got a flight in the morning to go to the next city So it's a lot of moving parts with these European dates. Yeah, but also just walking around you get bits If you're just in motion like let me just like look I it's like the one time I look at my steps is it when I travel Yeah, I get like 15,000 steps and at least so I at least know I'm seeing the city and doing shit and and then when you the beauty of traveling Is you like you get a coffee here you get a cut you get a coffee in Zagreb. It's a it's a thing You know, it's like an event. I'm getting a salad and Stockholm. I'm gonna get a meatball or whatever It's like you get to see an old restaurant or go down a new street. It's it's it's very exciting On the road I've heard. Yeah, I've heard you haven't been gone that long. I got I got a I got some new bits But they're like they're either working or they're not and or they'd be like for the city You know right. Do you have any new stuff you're working? I got some new stuff. Everything I got is like B- you know, like just can't get it over that hump of like getting it great It's all good. We all run one if you want to run. Sure, I've all the damn down around. I got one So I had one where the girl I'm seeing I'm tucking her son in a bed and He said that's all you're tucking He scared me there and he said he said good night Sam was a good night and then he goes I love you and I said I love you - and I said he should have been a nice moment But I haven't said it to his mom yet That's great. She's right there. You know, so I was like that became a thing So I had a couple angles one line hit where I said, you know the the outward that's at my age It's big. It's like the n-word of only said it a few times and every time it's ended really badly for me So so that hit and then I had a thing about like There's a few is she's like we say it a few angles one is She's like you you say it to your guy friends. I'm like yeah, but I see a lot of them like four times a year Right. It's easy to love someone who's never around. Yeah, you're here all the time, right? You know also, which I've never had it in badly with the guy. I've never I've never had a phone out with a guy Or he's like you fucking said you love me. Yeah, then he keys my car And then and then I had a thing. I want to angle about like a that's heavy Really? Yeah, I mean it's good. It's a funny bit. I'm just if I was there. I would have crumbled Yeah, gotta make jokes I guess. No, no, but the idea that I think like the I love you for the man is like the vagina for the woman You try to hold on to it as long as possible I don't know how to end this but but it's like it's like it's like I like Once I get rid of this I got nothing. Yeah, that was my thing That's funny. You know, I don't know what to end it But I don't know there could be something to where she says like in a month. She's like I love you and you're like I've already in love with someone else I'm talking about the kid like we already have a lot of already gonna like love you with him. I can have two I love you as well. It's easier with When it's not sexual it is non-sexual love is easier. That's true. He's not with a girl or the kid All right Get me to cope with Hagen I'll just kid Yeah, that's a great. That's great. Is this anything? Okay So my kid he's about two now he's almost pushing two and he loves he has a toy baby and a toy stroller And it's pissing me off because he's I love the kid But it's the hardest thing I've ever done and he's making a mockery of it He's like I'm a dead - I'm like that's stolen valor that kid doesn't shit. It doesn't piss. It doesn't cry You know you're playing with GI Joe's. I'm a numb, you know, like I'm going through it. I would put stolen valor at the end Oh, okay, I like I like you know, I'm doing this. I'm doing that You know, I'm a numb that's stolen valor. Oh, I like it at the end. Maybe yeah, maybe because stolen values the big hit Yeah, totally. Okay, so yeah, I'm still playing with it But the idea of having a baby as a toy is like why would you want a burden like this? The kid is it's hard. It's like you know hinders you it's a weird doll too because you're not using that like when he's going to be a parent He's not like what did I do when I was two with a baby? Yeah, it's like you just yeah, you just have a baby. It's a weird it's also a weird thing like get him a fucking ninja turtle I know that's what I got in the baby. He didn't buy it. Uh, I think it was like a handy down somebody gave it to him And he's loving. He's like a baby. I got the baby. I'm a dead now and all this shit. I'm like, hey, I'm a dead fuck you You got a blowup doll. I'm got Lindsey Clancy, you know, this is a different thing But yeah, so I'm playing with it and then I say something like that I'm like I wouldn't want it. I would never want if I had a baby Dolls a kid. I'd be like mom. I didn't ask for this and she was like need to die But so that hits but yeah, it feels like it needs more Yeah, it's interesting that you he's doing what you're doing the hardest thing in my life. He's doing as a toy Like they'd be like a roofer He actually gets like a microphone. Oh yeah. Yeah, I think other things that you do that are hard. Right, right He's just sitting in an an airline seat. I'm trying to Back with Lane at the he's gone to the Toledo Fuddybone Yeah, I don't know maybe it's it's doing okay. It's doing okay. Yeah, he's another thing. He's another thing. It's like Hmm, also he didn't have to get late by the way Thank God I had to meet somebody get married the whole thing It just feels like a cheat code. You didn't do any of the work. You didn't do any of the work and you're still not doing the work But you get to have a baby. I like that it annoys you it annoys me that you're like you're making a mockery Yes, but then you didn't do that, but then you realized I didn't do that much either. I just came in his mom That's a good point. She did all the work. Yeah. Yeah, I made the mistake the other day I was like man with these hair plugs. I totally get the C section and she was like fuck you Yeah, all right. I'll play with it. I'll play with it. There's something there for sure what You got another one. I mean, I got a bunch, but I did not like anywhere near ready. Same. Same That's that's that's the point. Yeah, mine is not ready either. Okay. I had one about the The guy who flew to Bangkok and to get Jenna don't handsman. Oh, yeah black guy, right? He went with his wife and I was like, yeah, apparently she didn't try to talk him out of it. Oh True. Yeah, he's like he's like, do I need this and she was like, yes Which is fucking brutal and then also the angle of like Clearly, he didn't have kids. You can't do that procedure when you have a kid You can't be like having a little girl be like daddy, please and he's like sorry I just I really want a bigger penis I'm going to dice, you know, and then the angle of like well, she's single now So maybe like hopefully the next guy she picks has a big dick. So this doesn't happen again Oh, yeah, she's gonna take his pants off and she's like, thank God. Right. This is gonna save us an international flight Also say when you pull up a dick and large, but I'm like I'd go for the before But that is a thick hog on the right there for for soft. Yeah, yeah, it's a weird shape. It is a little little footbally there Well, isn't it annoying that the dick is the only thing on your body You can't like you can build your biceps you can get your shoulders bigger your abs your thighs You can't we work out the dick every day when you jerk off and it won't get bigger But if I worked out my legs every day, they'd be huge and they would make your dick look smaller And they'd make my dick look smaller. You can't win. What do you got? What else? All right? All right? Let's do one more Yeah, you want one about porn. You want one about ice porn. Okay So I'm doing this whole thing about and tell me if it's too close to your old bit But I think it's the punchline is very different, but I'm doing this whole thing about how Everybody's addicted to porn now all these young dudes and the problem is porn is is in your pocket When I was younger porn was like a group thing You know, we did it in the woods that we'd sit in a circle and pass it around like you know When you go on a website a porn website it says sharing like who sharing this we did we would pass around video Chess's and magazines different that's different from my bed. Okay, so that thank god that part is we used to share it Yeah, yeah, really doing the woods. Oh, we had porn in the woods. It was under a rock. We found a bunch of porn Oh my god, and we'd sit in a circle and sleep in bed. It was never abandoned. No one ever stole it We shared it was like a communal thing. It was actually quite it was quite nice good for the neighborhood You jack off outdoors and we didn't jack off in the woods. Yeah, we get it from the way easy there pervert So that part is the share thing is and then I say it's kind of like weed porn and weed have had the same kind of trajectory Like you took what you got back then, you know, you're like seeds and stems. We'll make it work and then back in the day You're like midget porn. I'll make it work and then I got a couple of those and then I say the problem though is weed and porn got too strong Yeah, I do I do an edible now and I'm like that's gonna fuck me up for a while now I watch a porn I'm like that's gonna fuck me up for a while, you know Yeah, there's a cleaner way to do both. Yeah, now an edible oil watch porn. I'm like that's gonna fuck me up for a while Yeah, yeah, exactly one, but yeah, but that's good. Yeah, that's a fuck Jesus Christ. I hope No one knows I did that. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm going to a party in a few I hope no one knows I did that. Oh, yeah, I gotta hide it Yeah, there's a lot of porn weed Similarities analogies or whatever you call it. Yeah, you can tell someone's to into it. Yeah, yeah There's always a creepy you get it from a creepy guy on the corner maybe Yeah, your older brother has you get it from you get it from a yeah, you're dead stash you dad had porn you daddy weed It's gonna be sticky Yeah, sticky something sticky works, but it's all you know, it's a little all over the place. Yeah, but - No, there's something there. Like the porn, you paranoid with both, that's an angle. - Oh yeah, yeah, true, you don't want to get caught. - Yeah, red-handed. - Your wife is like, I would have done this with you. - Oh yeah, yeah. - Oh, let me rip that paranoid down. 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Viagra is a registered trademark of Beatrice specialty. LLC hymns is not affiliated with or endorsed by Beatrice. Say, get in there. - Nice to meet you, man. - I want a gas. - Oh. Oh, no. Hey, Alex, what's up? It's like when you bring your girlfriend in the green room. - Jump in the line, Harry Belafonte. - Hey, how are you? - Just looking at diet co-creening, come by. - Yeah, how are you? - Hey, how are you? - Hey, how are you? - Nice to meet you, Paul. You're over here, then. - Oh, okay. I have a heart out of four, by the way. - I think he does, too. - No, he doesn't. - Oh, okay, great. - He's got four 20. - Oh, good, all right. Great. Are we rolling? - Yeah, get it. Use the mic, yeah. - Oh, thanks. - Yeah, that's her mic. - Oh, well, I was sharing with you. - Appreciate it. So, you guys had Rodney in here? - I wish. - Oh, please. - The dead wall. - What's your name? - Louis. - Was that the RIP wall? - Yeah, it's the wall of death. - Oh, yeah, we're next. - We've signed, that's good. - Yeah, dude. - That's one of my homies, which one? - Well, I'm friendly with Judd, too, but Larry Charles directed me in my first job in LA. - Whoa. - What was that? - It was a pilot, nobody saw it. It was called Lee Maythers, it was me. - I thought you were gonna say the Kanye pilot for a second. - The Kanye. - Because did he do that? - Did he? - I think Larry Charles. - He did he? - Yeah, he tried to do a curb. - Oh, Kanye tried to do a curb? - It didn't let-- - I'm gonna look at, I'm gonna look at-- - A curb episode? - No, he tried to do his version of curb. - What? - And I think Larry Charles did it. - Yeah, what do you guys do? Look at my Nazi perfume. - Yeah. - I've got a black clan hood here. - He's a good guy. - It is. - That's true. - It's a bummer that he's in such a dark place because I really, through the wire is a real great tune. He's coming out of it, though, I think he's coming back. Yeah, he does the staple setter, everybody liked it. - Oh no. - Oh my gosh, Mr. Wasmier is so glad you're here. Thank you so much. - This is amazing. - I'm doing, like-- - The Sun, right? - Dolly, oh what? - Yeah, that's Kanye. - I don't know, I'm gonna wait a second. - Okay, let me, oh. - Oh. - Hello. - Hello. - This is Kanye's understanding of comedy. Let's open our cancer. - I'm looking at the wisk kid. - Right. - Let's see. - Okay. - Yeah, comedy these days. - So I'm looking at the wisk kid right now. - So I just got a good, awesome Texas for, say anything. - Yeah. - What do you mean? - I'm with they make a wisk kid right now. - Yeah. - It's good in there. - There we go. - You can see Larry Charles' fingerprints all over the place. (laughing) - Larry Charles is a genius. - You really? - I'm a huge fan of that one, man. - Did he do Bookman? The Seinfeld one? - He did, he wrote that one. - Oh, it's a great one. - He wrote the one where they go to L.A. He did Borat. - The librarian. - Oh, that's a good one. - Oh, the episode. - Yeah. - Philip Baker Hall. - Oh. - Underrated in comedy. He's fucking hilarious. - Brilliant music. - Yeah. - Very poison Magnolia. - Magnolia. He was in PTA's first-- - In Magnolia, his whole thing. His character is like, it's like a Tim Robinson character where his wife's like, "Did you molest our daughter?" And he's like, "I don't remember." I'm like, "How the fuck are you playing this straight?" You don't say, "I don't remember." - Oh my gosh. - Philip Baker Hall, one of the greatest characters ever. - Yes, PTA's first. - That a young pilot. - I love those guys who are just like good and everything. - Oh, yeah. - You're one of those guys, dude. - Did my parents tell you say that? - Yeah, they call, but dude, I saw, I remember seeing it on the theater with my folks, and-- - That was a cool movie. - Dude, it's great. But you were like stealing every scene you were in. I remember being like, "Who the fuck is this guy?" Which is like, it's so fun to watch a movie and go, "Who the fuck is this guy?" - Yeah, it's a good way. - Yeah, and then they get overexposed 'cause they never stop working and everyone gets sick of them. - Yeah. - No. - Yeah, movies are reason we became friends. - That's so weird. We were leaving a Paul Simon concert at the Hollywood Bowl. - Nice. - And his wife saw that I was rocking in Itanya like sweatsharing. - No, she was wearing it. That was it. - 'Cause it was a gift. - It's like an hour sharing clothes. - Yeah. - And I said, yeah, it was a gift. - It's a shoe size. - And I said to her, I was like, "Hey, I was in that movie." - I don't even know if you, I think you played it more coy. You sort of cycled up to it. There were just like mobs of people walking out of the Hollywood Bowl, and you were like, "Okay, nice shirt." Like, "Hey, thanks, cool." And then we did sort of do a double take. And we were like, "Wait a minute, you're like, "Oh, hey, we walked like another mile and a half." - Yeah. - Here we are. - Now, here we are. - She dies, I help raise this kid. - That's right. - Well, they had a lot of decisions. - She's the first one. - Godfather. - But no, I was excited to meet you because you were one of the cast members on SNL that I saw before you got SNL. I was all geeked up because we did a Montreal Comedy Festival audition together, and I didn't get it, did you get it? - No. - Yeah. - I didn't get it either. - That'll bond you. - You guys done Montreal Comedy Festival? - Yeah, it took five years to get it. - Yeah, I think four straight years, every year we look at each other like, I'd be like, "You got it." And you'd be like, "No, I didn't, you got it." And four straight years of that. - And then. - And it was that co-calum every time. - But you heard stories about Montreal in the 90s where you go, you get a $750,000 holding deal. By the time I got there, I think I got an agency that no longer exists. - Right. - So you want to work with paradigm and I was like, "Yeah, I guess." - Yeah. - It was a phase like that like an X-Men. - Prezo. - Yeah, I'll fall for it. - Authentic management. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah, no, there's like a certain ring to it when you hear it. You ask somebody who you're with and they're like, I'm with, I'm with, - Converge. - Now with Draw Shield. (laughing) - Draw Shield. - They're good, they're good. - Hey, you sign up with straight or moose. - What the hell? (laughing) - They're too calming, fuck us. - Or moose, chilly. We, no, listen, I'm going on the road. - I'm going on the road. - I got stuck in. - So you didn't stand up for a hopman. - I did stand up for over 10 years and I stopped. - Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry. - I stopped. - I had a hot minute for you. - 10 years is a lot longer than I did. - A lot longer than I should have. But I had fun. I think it made me fearless in front of an audition room. - Oh, yeah. - Like who gives a shit about somebody with a video camera if I've had to like bear my soul in front of 100 drunk people? - Sure. - That's harder. So what were you doing the road? Or are you like an L.A. doing? the store and mics and stuff. - No, I didn't get good enough to do the road. I was doing Bringer shows for God knows who Francisco Raymos. - Oh yeah. - I was like, I was on a bunch of Bringer shows, but then once in a while I get put on a really cool show. Like I did meltdown comics with like Kyle Mooney and Brett Gellman and John Daly and all these people that I think are hilarious. And then my buddy gave me a spot at the Melrose improv and it was like too good of a lineup where I just got completely eaten alive. It was like Joey Diaz, how he Mandel, Pat and Oswald, went to Brunson and I was like, I'm fucked man. - We were regular at the Rooster Teeth Fathers in Grand Rapids, Michigan, right? - No, that's in the Sunnyvale, Caliore. - This is a satellite location. - Really? (laughing) 'Cause you had, what was it, Dr. Grins? It was the Grand Rapids, that's where you're from, right? - I was born Grand Rapids, grew up in Saginaw, started doing stand up at 16 and writing screenplays and I was 16 and just really immersed myself in all this Hollywood shit. I didn't know how to make in Hollywood, I just all tried to do a bunch of things. We'll see if I bet I'm black properly or whatever. - So you did wrestling too? - Yeah, I love wrestling. - That's amazing. - I just think it's fun man. - Who was like your guys in wrestling? - Growing up it was like sting, was my guy. - Got Stinger, all American. - Or the singer. - Both. (laughing) - Yeah, you left the police. - Right. (singing in foreign language) - No, not that sing. (laughing) - Yeah, Stinger was my guy. I also loved, I loved DDP, The Rock, Rick Flair. - Can you bring them all up? - DDP. - Arn Anderson. - Ooh, he's old school, yeah. - Sean Michaels, they're a lot of great ones. - DDP, so we were spoiled, we had so many good ones. - Yeah. - We did, they added to it era. - Oh yeah. - 95 to 2000, we were just spilling over with talented wrestlers. Is that Spider-in-a-Warr on the screen there? - It's a third man. - Well. - Or some well. - There you go. - I just went to Vienna, I did gigs all over Europe, but I went to Vienna and I loved that movie so. - How was that? I've never seen the movie, forgive me. - Oh dude. - I know it's a classic. - It's a classic. You'll appreciate it. - It's a new classic, I haven't gotten around to it. - It's awesome and it's awesome. Days when they talk about Orson Wells for like an hour and 15 minutes and then he shows up for like the last 20 minutes and just crushes it. But he's just, he's an evil fucker in the movie and he gives a famous speech. There's a famous line. I'm gonna butcher, but there's something like, they're on a Ferris wheel, which is the oldest Ferris wheel. - Jamie Kuh get that up. - But it's again. - It's from 1897, this Ferris wheel. I went on it when I was there and as I got to the top I was like, I maybe should not have done this. This is fucking terrifying. There I am, yeah. - We'll put it on the show notes. - But dude, yeah, Orson Wells gives this famous, he riffs a line that ends up becoming one of the most iconic lines where he said, you know. - Rift is like ad-lib? - Yeah, and one of the lines-- - I'm walking here. - One of the lines was like-- - What's the riff? - You got to pull it up, pull up the line. It's about the Kuh Kuh clock. I'm gonna bust it. - I love that Tommy Lee Jones rift the line. I don't care in response to Harrison Ford's. I didn't kill my wife in the future. - Yeah, great delivery. I don't care. I was like, my wife. - Yeah. - Well, I talked to her. - Oh, tires. I haven't seen the new season of tires. I gotta get on. - That's pretty good. I love those hills, the ones I saw. - And when we do meet old man, it's you where I want to see. - Not the very end. - Not the police. - This is the Kuh Kuh clock. - Yeah, it goes so long, Holly. - Brotherly Love. - Welcome to the five hundred year to 30 years out of the borges they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance in Switzerland. They had brotherly love. They had 500 years of democracy in peace and what did that produce? The Kuh Kuh Kuh clock. It's a long Holly. - The rift. - He improvised. - Shut up. - He rode it before, but he threw it in. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, I do both. - It's also not true. I think Germany created the clock. But they were like, I just throw it in. That's a great fucking line. That's so awesome. - That's so awesome. I got this, I got this. - It's like an animal house. Forget it, he's rolling. - Oh, yeah, that's great. - So good. - Yeah, dude. - No, great movie. - Yeah, I love-- - I had to make the show tunnel joke, dude. - I love that you're kidding, sorry. It's cool that, yeah, for the record, I just, I only know you as comedy guys and we haven't met before, so in my head, I'm like assuming your background on your laptop or computer would be like, a slap shot or super troopers or something. - Oh, yeah. - To see it be the third man. - It was his computer, but-- - We're cut, we're movie nerds. - Yeah. - Yeah, I adore movies. It's just one of those things where if you said, you can do anything, like my wife, I turned 40 next month, my wife is like, what do you wanna do for your birthday? And like to her, it's like, should we dazzle the town? Should we paint it red? And I'm like, I just wanna go to a movie. - Yeah, let's just go see Tony. - Yeah, and afternoon to Killeney, I went and saw The Weight. - The Weight? - Google, are you familiar with that herd of it either? He went on the-- - It's in Hawk, Russell Crowe. - Damn. - Terrific like throwback movie. It's got vibes of like, treasures of Sierra Madre. - Hey, okay. - Mixed up like a 70s drama. - This is a problem with cinema, I haven't even heard of this. - Oh, it should be everywhere. - Dude, it's my favorite movie the year right now. - I wanna watch the hell out of this. - Okay, let's make some good ones this year. - I mean, didn't you come in with a movie cup? - Yeah, this is from the theater. - Look at this empire. - This is a fan. Also, the fact that you're not 40 is horrifying. (laughing) - Buh. - Just, we assumed it. - I will watch the, I just watched the Bourdain movie. - Oh, I got watched it. - I watched it last night. - I really liked it. - I thought it was good. It's coming of age five, and it didn't blow my mind, but it was entertaining, and I thought that kid, Dominic Sessa, from Folders. - He's always good. - Do you feel weird, honestly, talking about movies on podcasts, 'cause maybe I wanna work with this guy. - No, I don't give a shit. - You either like me or you don't, I'm fine. - That's good. - I don't like trying to be timid with pleasing everybody, I think that's absurd. But I have suffered the slings and arrows of that on my letter box. - Really? - Yeah. - Someone's brought that up too. - I bet people have complained. I won't say who, and go into it, but like, there's been some people who have complained. One person called my manager and was like, "What's going on with Paul?" And I'm like, "Dude, please, fuck off." - Yeah. - Two and seven continents away. - Wow. - If you're upset about my letter box, like. - Right. I'm just being, at some point, people got really upset with anyone being honest. - I completely agree with that. - I could have texted you directly, but I felt like going through your manager. - No, dude, Christmas, what was it called? - Cranks. - Christmas with the Campbells. - Christmas with the Campbells, starring you in Justin Long. - Uh-huh. - I give him a three and a half. I thought that was high. - That's your friend. - 70% on RT, that's not enough for you. - Is that right? - No, I actually met someone who worked on this movie recently. I think the couple that wrote it. - Yeah, pull it up. - The couple that wrote it. - They brought us the whole thing. - They're homeless now. Are you in their career? - No, hand to God, hand to God, hand to God. Hand to God, I like the movie. And there's a scene where, where Homeboy Alex literally farts for real a shoot as they say in wrestling. He had a shoot fart and they kept it in the movie. - Yeah. - And then Justin Long said he tried to squeeze on it. - That's on par with Orson Wells' riff right there. - Thank you. - I like it, yeah. - I love what you can tell everything from the box. - Or for all seasons. - Do you guys own that stand-up comedian? All he does is riff, Casey Rocket. - Oh, yeah. - Does it? - Does it? - I'm supposedly, I'm sure he writes some of them, but the kid is. - He's mad at him. - Insanely funny. - Yeah. - Just his crab walk thing, oh my God. Him and who's the other guy? He just put out a special Jack Tucker. - Oh. - Or Tep, man. - You know more about stand-up than I thought. - He like made his name really silly and like, that's him, Zack Zucker. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - Oh my God. Dude, his special on YouTube is out of control. - Wow, I don't know, I'll check it out. - Yeah. - I don't know, I've seen nine million guys be like, the thing about dating. - You're right. - This guy and Casey Rocket, you're getting like, a whole different menu, man. - Okay. - It's nice to throw it in there with the traditional. - Yeah. - Notice I didn't say instead of the traditional, I said with. - With. - Yeah. - In addition to. - Yeah. - What about like a Rory Scoville or somebody, you know. - I just watched this special. - He's fun. - Yeah, I love Rory. - Well different. - Did you see his fully improvised special? - I'd open for it. - Did you really? - Yeah, yeah. - That's cool. - Yeah, it was really cool. I went up with material, I felt good, I had a good set, and he went up with nothing and blew the doors off, and I was like, I gotta kill myself. - Wild. - Yeah. - Very talented guy. - I love Bill Burr. I like, I like Old Cat Williams. - Yeah. - Your stuff doesn't hit me as much, but I just, I'm fascinated by him. I like him. - He's an interesting guy. - He's a big golfer. - Is he? - Apparently. - Huh, I do. - I did a charity man. - A scratch golfer. - What's that? - A scratch golfer, like he's. - Oh, I hear it like. - He might be a scratch. I just said a big golfer. - You might, is he scratch? - Guys like him and Wahlberg, Sam Jackson, they're like, they could play professionally. I'm pretty sure. - Really? - Yeah. - Pull it up. - Pretty sure. - Fairly Cat Williams read 4,000 books a year. - Jamie, don't look that up. - That's not possible. - That's what he said. - That's some Wilk Champees, the Wilk Chamberlain of Reading. - Yeah. - I loved his Kevin Hart roast segment, where he made up with Kevin Hart. - Yeah. - I wonder how constructed or genuine - Yeah, it was. - I don't think it could have been. - It seems genuine. - Really? - I don't know. I don't know, that's why I asked. I don't know. - I don't know. - I think his agent's like, yeah, this venue could use a bump. Go on, go on and roast up. - Yeah. - Go on and roast up. - If you wanna make good with Netflix, you gotta make up with Kevin. (laughing) - I don't know. - That there's, yeah, Hollywood beef is so funny. - I know. - Do you have any Hollywood beef? - What's that? - Do you want? - If I bitched about anybody, do you out? - Just Alex. - Yeah, just mainly me. - I'm trying to get out of here. - Of your shit list. - That's why. - No, I don't think I have any beef to be on. Even the people I have argued with on set, there have been a couple of people that I've gotten into more verbal altercation stuff with, twice in like 17 years. If I saw them tomorrow, I would hug the crap out of both of them and be sure to find out. - Why do you get in a verbal altercation with them? - It's usually insecurity on the part of a cast member and they're frustrated by something. And then they, I don't know. I know it wasn't my fault either time. That's all I know. Yeah, you never know with some people. People are cool too. It's just some, you know, you might catch them on a bad date too. - Yeah. - I've had totally cool people still piss me off. - Marvellously. - Marvelously. - What's that? - I'm gonna ask you about your first big break. Is that a shit talking like someone who gave you-- - Card breaks or like work, work, work, work. Okay, so I'm into sports cars. - Oh. - I didn't know that. - My first big break was Dustin Lance Black, the guy who wrote Milk for Sean Penn. - Oh, okay. - I showed up to be a background actor on his film and he gave me an audition for a speaking part and I made like eight grand and moved to Hollywood for Michigan and then the one where I got to like quit my day job and like actually just act for a living was I was working at Flappers in Burbank. - Wow. - Oh shit. - And I regained. - I was the dork guy, I was the dork guy. And I got the show kingdom, which we were just talking about the director of the weight, Ethan Hawke movie. He was the editor on the show kingdom and then he ended up directing some episodes. But the show wasn't a massive hit but it allowed me to quit my day job. Hell yeah, it was on for a long time, wasn't it? It was like 40 episodes over the span of three, four years. - I mean Richard Jewel, I was with my in-laws somewhere. - That's an in-law movie. - Yeah, we're like, we gotta get out of the house we're about to kill each other or this is brutal. So we went and saw a movie and we didn't know what the hell the movie was, but we all just said, let's go see this. Lewis all the way, you killed it. - Thanks man. - Great movie. - Yeah, that's a good story. That was one of the ones on letterbox that I got. Hell for it. I gave it like a three and a half out of five and people were like, the hell. - What? - I'm like, that's great. I think it's a great movie. I love it. - So I just-- - It's only three and a half. - If you're gonna get five out of five stars on letterboxed, to me, that's Shawshank redemption. - Oh wow. - To me, that's like, jaws. - Right, that's a great honor. - For us with the camels. Christmas with camels, really anything. - Two girls won cup, of course. - Which Justin long wears a scarf. - Yeah, that's good. - That's a wolf of Wall Street with my-- - Ooh, that's no good. - No, no good. - It's also a sexy stuff. - Yeah, you're sent to a lot of sexy stuff. - Yeah. - That movie had some redundant elements for me. I find a lot of toxic male dudes are like, "My favorite's course is to move you's wolf of Wall Street." And I'm just like, "Cool, have you seen the King of Comedy?" - Yeah. - It's exponentially better. - Have you seen "Taxi Driver?" - Yeah. (laughing) - Oh god, I love "Raging Bull." What a cool crazy movie. - I love that his rock bottom is comedian. - Yeah, right. - That's his after. - This is low point. He's like, "I'm telling jokes." I'm like, "Oh my god." - Yeah. - That's a great movie. - That's true. - Well guys, I know, you were hoping I'd say the full hour, but I got a bounce. So this has been great. - What? - Camels is a sequel? (laughing) - You wish. - Thank you. - Love you buddy. - So anyway, just come. - You can have "Go See Third Man." - Yeah. - "Go See Third Man." - "Go See it." - It's playing in a second run cinema. - Well, it's sitting around, but this was sort of our only chance to catch up. So we decided. - Yeah. - Give me a hug. - Yeah. - Oh, so good to be you, man. - Thanks to me, dude. - Thanks for letting me crash. - A lot of you. - A lot of you. - A lot of you. - Thank you, a lot of you. - Oh, sure. - Yeah. - Did they prove you were here? - Did I say these things normally? - Hey, one more. - Thank you. - Cool. - Thanks, guys. - See you well. - Yes. - Good luck out there. - Please tell Pete I said hi tonight. Please. - We're really gonna trash you once you leave. - Oh, typical white guy. - Yeah. - He has to go open for Ed Sheeran. - We're in shorts. - He's far too confident way. - I know, right? - So yeah, first, I saw you in Itanya and then a friend of mine told me to watch his show Blackbird. And I think I watched in one sitting, dude. It was, you took a fucking risk with that role. - How unpacked that, I'm curious. - I mean, I just thought the way the voice and the way you approached it, I thought it was like, "Wow, this could have been like, "this could have been bad." - It's kind of the thing you want to take a big swing. - Totally. - Yeah. - You want to make choices when it's that kind of a thing. I think. - Do you get nervous when you make a choice like that? - Oh, yeah, sometimes I'll make a choice on a voice. In day three, I'm like, I don't wanna keep doing this. - Yeah. - I'm like, you already did it, you dummy. - Yeah. - Maybe you should have thought about it. - I know a Brando and a Godfather, just that was his choice to talk like that. - Yeah. - And they're like, okay, you kind of have to let Brando go and he put shit in his gums and went for it. - What the hell is that? - Did you say put shit in your gums? - We got a zin here. - Oh wow. - A little sash for those, not for those not familiar. - Is that your voice? - It's, yeah, it's one of a few still. - Do you drink or no? - No, I'm, I got five years sober next month from pot and alcohol and stuff. But I still love eating, that's tough. - I've lost weight. Pull up a picture of me from like, look up Paul Hauser last comic standing. There's a photo of me auditioning for last comic standing. - Wow, you made it that, all right, see your teeth. - Back in the day. - You got TV credits over here. (laughing) - I mean, that's not nothing. - See if there's, I think there's a photo of it. Let me put my glasses on. - Oh, is that you on the left? - There is on the left. - Oh my God, is this the movie The Weight? - That's it. (laughing) The whale, the whale. This is when I audition for The Whale. - No prosthetics, I thought I'd save the money. - That's a funny look at dude though. - But I auditioned, or I was 330 pounds there. I'm currently like 230. - Wow, I'm still tough. - How do you shake it off? - That's pre-Ozemic, baby. - A lot, really, it really was. I, a lot of it is common sense, like just stop fucking piles of food. But after that, I met Diamond Dallas pages at wrestler we brought up earlier. And I stayed with him for seven weeks and he helped me. - You did the yoga? - He helped me take, yeah, yoga. And healthy eating and airment and fasting. And he helped me take off 40 pounds for blackberry. - Whoa. - It's blackberry, I was 286 when I got the roll. I was 246 when I shot it. - Whoa. - So the last 15 pounds have literally been some zepbound and meaning. - So DDP just says people live with him. He just says like come stay with me and I'll put you on a program. - He's solicitous sometimes to a fault. But the cool thing is he's converted so many people. - That's amazing. - Literally saved lives. People that doctors and chiropractors are like you're never gonna walk in. - Wow. - They're walking and standing. - Geez, he went the opposite of Hulk Hogan. (laughing) Hulk Hogan's just saying the end word and begging ladies. And this guy went full yoga. - Yeah, he kinda went the other way with it. - Yeah. - But real quick, charge this. - It's Matt Damon talking about John Melvich and Rounders. You guys are talking about-- - Oh, I love this. Yeah, I've seen this place. Never happened on a movie. Melvich, the fact that he was even gonna come to do this movie. For months, we're waiting for John Melvich to get there. I mean, it's a big deal. - You catch my money. - When he finally shows up, he gets there and we do the first take and John goes, "If you don't catch my money, then you are mine." And I'm sitting across a table from like, I'm sorry. What did you just say? And the crew bursts into applause. They're cheering. They're like, "Wow, amazing, amazing." And I'm looking at him and I guess he sees me looking at him. And he leads across the table and I lean in and he looks at me and goes, "I'm a terrible actor." - Whoa! - And that was so work because he's so good, but there's gonna be one actor who's like, "I'm gonna do a Chinese voice show." And it's really gonna backfire. You know it. - I'm gonna reveal areas. - I worked with Damon, really cool. Like, he's who you hope he is. - Yeah. One of those. - Which one was that? - It's an Instagram, it's a crime comedy on Apple, but Damon was dope, dude. And I haven't worked with John Malkovich, but we were in the makeup trailer together on Fantastic Four. He ended up getting cut from the whole film, which is insane to me. I don't know how that happens, but I'm dying to work with him again, 'cause I think he's so good, man. - He's the man and he loves movies. You can tell he's obsessed with movies. - Yeah, he's a nice and man. Remember that? - Oh, jeez. - He's always been there. - Remember that, yeah. - In the line of fire, he's a psycho. - He's crazy in that one, the air gun. - Yeah, I really cheer him in that movie. He scares me. - What's with what, courage under fire? What's the one where he lost crazy weight? He got super skinny. - Oh, that was Damon. Damon lost his way for courage under fire. - Yes, sorry. Forgive me, I was mentioning Malchovitch. - Oh, Malchovitch. - Oh, Malchovitch. - In the line of fire. But David, yeah, Damon lost a lot of weight. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, yeah, he's dude, he's great. Anytime talented Mr. Ripley's on, it's like, I watch it all the way through. - Perfect movie, man. It's one of those, yeah. - Yeah, that's probably a five out of five for me. - I love it. - It's also looks awesome. Like, just the scenery is so cool. - Right. - The theme of Hoffman shows up. - Was it Crease? - I think it was Italy, it was those steps. It was the Spanish steps. It was, yeah, it was Rome, I think, yeah, and then. - Man, do I love Phil Hoffman? - Oh, come on. - Anytime he shows up, almost famous, along Campali, twist or anything, it's like, ah, happiness. - Yeah. - Oh, that's heavy. - I watched that one with my in-laws and, wow. - I couldn't finish that one. I tried that one. - Really? - When Dylan, is it Dylan Walsh? The character actor is like attracted to his-- - Dylan Baker was one of those. - Dylan Baker, that's it, Dylan Baker. When Dylan Baker says that thing to his son, I'm like, I'm out. God bless them. God bless them. They're creative, brilliant, creatively brilliant, but I can't do it. - Too much. - And you got three kids, right? - That was before I had kids. - Oh, boy. - It's a dark moment. - I was like, I can't do it. - But it's also fucking hilarious. - Yeah, no, it's, some stuff is admittedly brilliant, but I just like, my palette fails amidst whatever perversity is being, you know, presented. I had a similar thing with hereditary. - Oh, okay. - I was enjoying it, put by the end of her eds here. I walked out of the theater with like two minutes ago. I'm like, can't do it. - Oh, you're right there. - God bless them. - You can't do it. Damn. That's how I felt with Casey Rocket. I was like, this is brilliant, but I got it's bothering me. But you-- - Not your cup of Earl Gray. - No, he's a funny kid. But you were, we're about the same age. And you got to be in Naked Gun. The remake, that's the same, and it was good. 'Cause I-- - Thank God, that was a risk. - Doug and Dan are really good writers. - I just accidentally did a Donald Trump. - That was a risk. - It wasn't sure if Akeva would pull it off. - It's good to see a comedy in the theater too. That was like-- - Oh, man, killed it. - I know, that Doug and Dan, the writers really, we don't win without them. That was crucial that the pages worked. And then the other, you know, the production design team and the props team, like everybody really pitched in to make those visual jokes work too. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, I love when they're watching the crane machine and the car falls. - Yeah, so good. - I love the little stuff, all the coffees. - Yeah, I love it to go coffee every season. - So good, and man, that, that was, 'cause I'm a Naked Gun lunatic. - Oh, man, I grew up on it. - They're wonderful. - Liam Easter. - I used to write Naked Gun fan fiction when I was like 12. - Wow, man. Yeah, any zucker, I was a zucker, sucker. - Yeah, Airplane was a big one for us. - Unreal. - You got to see boobs and it was funny. So as you know, I mean-- - And Queen of Lujabar gets to be funny. - I feel like that was, like, maybe new that athletes were just throwing movies being funny. - I don't remember it much before then. I think the '80s kind of did that. The '70s, '80s, the longest yard. - Oh, yeah. - And Airplane. And there were a couple where it was like, suddenly you started seeing athletes stunt casted, which was-- - OJ, it was Nortberg. - Goddamn, he was great in it, too. He really was. - I told them we were shooting the OJ joke in the new Naked Gun. - Yes. - The kid trying to talk to his father and he just looks in the camera and goes, - Right, right. - I told the Kiva after we wrapped that scene, I said, if that doesn't make the movie, like, this thing goes under. Because to me, right there, if you're not willing to do the best joke, because you're afraid of offending people, you will ruin this movie. - I agree, that was in the trailer. - And it was, yeah. - It took the trailer, I was like, well played. - Well played Paramount. - Well played. - Hell yeah. It is a little bummer. I mean, it was a great, well written movie, but it sucks that I don't know if a, do you think an independent comedy would have blown up that much? 'Cause it did good numbers at the box office. - It did pretty well. I think it was like 104. - Wow, and today's the age of comedy. But that's still wild. - Yeah, nowadays, a romcom is usually the only type of comedy that can really make the comedy, you know, the Gwen Powell city-sweeney movie and anyone but you, I think it's called. - Yes. - That did gang bust really? - Really? - Wow, I didn't make that. - Serious money. - You couldn't pay me to watch it. I see that covered, I'm like, I'm good. - Yeah, it's not for us. - It's not for us. - Is there anything you were in that you were like, this is gonna be huge and it just, yeah, there's a bunch of stuff. What's one that you thought was gonna be okay? - Well, my first movie had Ed Harris in Jennifer Connelly. - Now Oscar winner Amy Madigan from Weapons. - Wow, she killed it. - We had killers on this first movie I did and it just ended up with, look up the rotten tomato meter for Virginia. It's called, starting Jennifer Connelly. - Okay. - I had a great time in the movie. It was like, I was so spoiled, working with like genius actors on my first thing to let me improvise. I'm in my home state of Michigan like, way overly idealistic. But then we went to TIFF, the Toronto Film Festival and we got eaten alive by the critics. - Get 11, whoa. - That's tough. - That's worse than the Campbell's. - That was tough. (laughing) - That was hard, man. That was difficult. And then like, there are some movies that I truly, I'm passionate about Americana, which I did with Simon Rex. - Oh, I love Simon. - The late Eric Gaines, Cindy Sweeney. - Oh wow. - Another one is, deliver me from nowhere, the Bruce Springsteen movie I did with Scott Cooper. - Oh yeah, yeah. - I think those are brilliant movies. I love those movies and I'm crazy proud of them, but they just didn't hit. - Do you think it didn't hit the Springsteen one 'cause it came out right after the Dylan one? - Dylan won. - I think I'd less do it that more the tonality of the fact that it wasn't like, if it were a movie where it's like, his bandmates put a cherry bomb in the toilet on the bus, like I think if we had more fun it might have done better. But it was really about a personal journey Bruce factually went through. - The depression, right before, yeah, right before he ended up making arguably, I think it's his biggest album. It has to be right born in the USA. - I guess, yeah. - Yeah. - It's gotta be born to run. But yeah, I enjoyed it, but I like Bruce, but yeah, it was a slow, sad movie. But it was good. I mean, what's the guy, the kid, the main guy? - Jeremy. - Jeremy Allen White, he was great in it. He's always good. - And he's a five foot seven guy, which I like. - Props to all the less than six foot actors in Hollywood. - Yeah. - I see you, I am you. - Exactly. - I think I'm five eight. - You know what most actors are short, right? - Tom Cruise, Al Pacino's five, six, five, seven. - Dustin Hoffman's tiny. - Radcliffe is five five or five six? - No way. He hides it well. - He's a fucking little guy. He's a tiny one, Radcliffe. - If any good Hollywood stories that were not for every two, like a room you've been in, you're like, whoa, hold on, Mark's gonna park. - That was not even worth the leg. - That was bad. - That was bad lift. - Bad lift. - Sorry. - That was kind of like one of those movies I was talking about. - You were on the Amtop and then nothing. - Thought it was gonna take off. - Yeah, that was my Virginia. (laughing) I would say, I was in a group text at one point with a bunch of cool guys and it kind of fizzled out, but it was like, Sam Rockwell has a habit of like, if he's buddies with you, he'll just introduce you to all his friends. - Oh, cool. - And I was in a group text with him. It was like Rockwell, Justin Long, Vince Vaughn, Bill Burr and Peter Billingsley. - Jeez. - I was like, it was the most fun group text and I was like so giddy when they'd like, we'd be like ping ponging jokes back and forth. And then it just, I think it fizzled out during COVID or something. - Damn. - Or a side text chain from that? Really like, it's just me, Long, and so on. - No, no side text from that. My, but currently, I'm trying to think like, if I was in a, you said, oh, I know, I went to the SNL 50 year anniversary concert at Rock. - 30 rock? - Yeah, but what is the big like, Radio State music? - Oh, yeah. - I went to that with my wife like a year ago or more and that was crazy. - Who was on that? - It was me. - Did you have a audition for SNL? - Never, no. I'm attached to play Farley in a movie that throws at Warner Brothers. - Oh, I mean, that's insane. - But are you a huge Farley guy? - Oh, yeah, I'm still in. I still think like, nobody touches Farley to me. - No. - Physical County. - If I had like my Mount Rushmore of SNL, it would probably be Farley and Barrel at the top. - Yeah. And then the other two would likely be probably Kristen Wig and maybe Bill Hader. - Wow. - Oh, that's a good group. - Yeah. - All right, I like Jan Hooks. - Jan Hooks was great. - He was great. - Janik Harvey, dude. - Phil Harvey. - Dana Phil. - Eddie Murphy. - Tracy Morgan is again of credit. Tracy was just terrible. - Yeah, he's always funny. - Love Parnell and Armas and I'm a big. - Oh, yeah. - I'm a big Fred Armas and Chris Parnell guy. - Yeah, yeah. - I heard that Chris Farley before he died, I don't know if this true, but was supposed to play Fadi Arbuckle. - Who was? - I heard that. - David Mammoth wrote the script in '97. - Farley died shortly after and then Mammoth had lunch with me in Santa Monica in 2017 after I taught me came out. - And did you say like I could do this? - He offered it to me. - Wow. - It was called Will Be Good. That was like the name that Arbuckle went under after he got canceled but at the end of the meeting it was like it was like, so, do you know anybody who has money? I'm like, no, it's like, it's a great story though. - I think I could shoot it for 10 to 15 million. I'm like, I don't know how we're gonna get it made because, man, it was like Hollywood canceled. Our buckle story is about a guy who got canceled for something that wasn't fully proven. - Right. - And then, I was in eight games a long time. - I'm a budding character actor. I can't like get us a ton of money. - Right, didn't happen. - So would you put the weight back on if this was Greenlit? - Would not put the weight back on per se. I guess I would put weight on, but it would be, I would get a dietician and a trainer to get me in farly weight because the thing about farly, the people don't realize is who's an athlete. - Right. - Football, and he could run like a mofo for a big guy and rugby, so like, it would be meeting potatoes, lineman weight, not like fat ass, give me the bread basket weight. - Yeah, it's like, which is what I'm used to. - Right. - Got her Bay biscuits, Red Lobster. That's all take our pants off. - That are a buckle thing though. - God damn, mammoth, that would've been fine. - I know. - No, I still keep in touch with mammoth. He's cool guy and he's still doing stuff to this day. I'd love to do something with him. - High ball, how are you? - He's really into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. - Really? - Yeah, he's been doing it for like decades. - Damn, that guy was from your year? - Interesting guy. There were a couple things I passed on too that I got offered. Sam Kinnison. - Whoa. - I got offered. Rob Ford. - Oh, now we're back. - We're back. - There it is. - Hey, can guys just be guys? (laughing) - That's a blackbird level fart. That was a good fart. - Thank you, thank you. - Yeah, I don't know if it's getting the Oscar, but you're at the Globes. - Yeah, sure. - That was nice dude. - Check that out on Boy Talk, his butt guess. - Oh my God, this podcast is insane. I hope people actually watch it. It's, we're trying to satirize toxic masculinity and I play the aggressor, the high status psycho guy and Julian Surgey, my co-host plays like the low status sort of like arrested development guy. - Oh, okay. - And we interview Blake Griffin, Teddy Swims, Rob Roush from Traders, Becky Lynch from WWE. - I love Becky Lynch. - We had a crazy roster of really cool people. - Nice. - But that's out right now on YouTube and then Instagram we're throwing up on social all the clips and it's just, dude, it's really fun and irreverent and like, I think a little bit different than what's out there. 'Cause like a lot of people are really funny, but they're usually playing themselves. We're playing like fake versions of this. - Yeah, sure, is that Andrew Tate kind of rip off, or Sput? - We're goofing on Andrew Tate, Patrick Bettevid, just certain guys who probably aren't fully aware how wayward they are and they tell you to level up. - I don't remember, but they might be trafficking people. - That's also a weird yin and yang. - Yeah, that's what I'm saying. - Hey, we're just trying to, I'm an entrepreneur. Also I might have broken seven laws last year. None of which are about my taxes. So, no, I think Masculine Lee's in a weird place. Like, I use the word toxic. I add that adjective because anything can be toxic, dude. People get so riled up if you say toxic Masculine Lee. It's like, dude, Masculine Lee and Feminine are fine, but anything can be toxic. Christians can be toxic. - Sure. - Buddhist could be toxic. Like, it's not one group of people. It's just when you become extreme and unreasonable and fucking weird, I call you toxic, yeah. - Yeah, that's fair. People can be assholes. Some people are assholes, no matter what. - I wanna hear the other shit you passed on 'cause you said kinesen. - Oh yeah. - I wanna hear what else you turned down. - I turned down Rob Ford, the mayor's full crack control. - The Canadian Hunter Biden. - The writing was good, the director was good. It wasn't like anything wasn't good. It was just like, how many real life dead fat dudes am I gonna play? - Yeah, good point. - I've already done quite a few and I feel like I got a differentiate. That was part of the weight loss too, is like, I'd love to get down to 215 or 200 and just see, 'cause like when Seth Rogan lost weight, it seemed like he started to do different stuff and he's at a way bigger level than me of fame and success and stuff, but I just think there's probably more out there for me if I lost weight. - All right, you don't wanna be type two, Cass. - Nice, thank you. - I liked it. - All right, I liked it. I was debating on saying diabetes, but you got it. - Diabetes, I don't have it. - No, you don't do it, you don't have it. How dare you infer that? My dad's got diabetes and I was always been afraid of it. - Oh yeah. - 'Cause it's coming for me. - Resident Evil, we're giving love to Resident Evil. - Yeah, I hear it, it's good. - Sorry, I'm like following the prompter here on the screen. - Well, I wanna give you a plug here. - I appreciate it. - Yeah, how do you feel about this one? - I never played the games or saw the Milo Jovvich films that preceded it, but-- - They're fun. - When I heard Zat Kregger was directing and writing and when I heard Austin Abrams, who I saw in Weapons, the Kregger move before this, when I heard he was doing it, I was like, dude, like maybe this movie doesn't do well, but if it's gonna do well, it would be in the hands of those types of people. - Right, right. - Did they shoot this on IMX cameras? - It says four IMX. - They must. - I don't know if they adapted it or shot it initially, I don't know those specs, but yeah, I saw it Tuesday night, a couple days ago, and dude, it's awesome. - Hell yeah. - There's so many like physical gags and funny moments that literally plays like, it's almost like home alone meets like, freaking 28 days later. - Damn. - It's crazy. - It's a weird combo right there. - Yeah, zombie's getting hit. - It's such a good movie. I think it is. We'll see what, I mean, the critics do too. What do we add on Ron Tomatoes? - Oh God, this is scary. - Go back to the tomato meter. - This is nerve-wracking. - Yeah, how nerve-wracking is this tomato meter every time you make a movie? - It's tomatoes, it can be very acidic. (laughing) - Whoa, 96. - Maybe, let's see. - That was an infographic. - 96. - 96%. - Wow. - Not to a Chevy. - Chevy. - Kregger, please. - Barbarian, weapons, white as kids, you know? - Come on. - Cool. - I gotta ask, what's harder? Stand up or acting? - Stand up, I'm not gonna say. (laughing) - I just need to get that in right now. - You got his clip. - No, yeah, I literally, and I have the utmost respect for stand up comics. I pitched them for movie roles all the time. I DM with them on IG, even if I have a metham, and I'm just a mega fan, I'll comment and then talk to 'em, and I just, yeah, I'm enamored with that world, and I still secretly want to not get back into it classically, but I would love to, the way Bill Murray made a Christmas special on Netflix, I would love to do a silly taped special with some live elements. I think that'd be awesome. - Hell yeah, I love that. Oh shit, all right, I guess you can go. - We got five more minutes. - We got five minutes, he's killing it. - All right, we're good. - All right, yeah, we wrote a movie. We're getting there, we're shooting, hopefully. - Really? - Hopefully soon, yeah. Can you reveal the log language? - The log language business. - It's just two failing liquor salesmen, and we just keep digging a deeper hole for ourselves, but we have our own whiskey, Bordega can, and it's about two guys who are liquor salesmen, so. - When I did drink, my go-to was whiskey, mostly scotch, but I, to this day, there's just something like romantic about whiskey, isn't it? - Total. - What do you want to do? - On the rocks, maybe a little soda. - Occasionally, I'm in hand, and I'll do a little sweet vermouth in there, but it's Manhattan's great. I was an old-fashioned guy, but I often drink scotch with like one sexy, like, big ice cream. - I love that, dude. - In the winter, dude, fuck. - For the cigar. - It hits, I know. - It hits. Well, I'm excited for you guys. Do you know the title yet? - Right now, it's, we might-- - Licker, I hardly know her. (laughing) - But we lost our director. We were gonna film it in October. It was all set to be, we got the funding, and-- - It's often a blessing in disguise. I mean, someone's waiting in the wings. - We got a guy we really like, and we'll bleep his name. I think we gotta do-- - Yeah, so-- - Yeah, here. - So we're hoping that deal closes, but we'll see. - Can't believe we got Oliver Stone. (laughing) Doesn't seem like his vibe. - It's a lot, it's a three and a half hour courtroom drama. - That's true, that's true. (laughing) - Are you familiar with Brown versus Port of Education? (laughing) - Dude, that's tremendous. I know Theo Vaughn and David Spade made a movie. I haven't seen it yet, I think it's on Hulu now, but I wanna watch it just 'cause that whole DIY filmmaking, it's really inspiring, man. - Hell yeah. - I like when people do that. - I mean, yeah, I mean, they used to be around, they used to be like Tarantino's start of that way, or Robert Rodriguez, or my big factory wedding. - Cohen Brothers, I think-- - Cohen Brothers and Sam Raimi both got their start in the early to mid 80s, and it was like, back then they were taking money from local dentists and doctors and family members. - Wow, great. - It's cool to watch even like, something like Mean Streets, and you're like, oh, Scorsese, he wasn't Scorsese yet, but you see-- - Yes. - You see that, like, those certain scenes, like that one, that long shot of the bar and the stones are playing, and you're like, holy shit, this is the red light, it looks so cool. - Can I give you even a slight piece of advice that you can give me? - What is? - Make sure everybody's making the same movie because of the comedy tonality. Like, you both mentioned Itanya, I think, like, that's a movie where the tonality, the tone of the movie is so succinct, that it ends up just singing better when it's watch. And I think, like, just make sure department heads, actors, that everybody's playing by your playbook. - That's a great one. - We're going for Twin Peaks, right? Yeah, yeah, no, you're right. I think that's-- - The restaurant? - Okay. - No, we got it, we got it. But I think the script is fun man. I think you guys are playing the two guys. Yeah, yeah, that's exciting Have you got forgive me for not knowing but have you guys acted before in TV? Not really a little bit. Just a little tiny little tiny stuff. Not a great actor filled every audition. He's better than he thinks He's done reason. But like you could say that about normal Donald might have said that about himself But dirty works one of my favorite movies. So fun. And we're playing basically ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, no it's safe I'm live a theory everybody can act. We just don't know to what level of Stility right but like everybody can nail one or two characters totally well pending who they are G7 If you like pina coladas, hey, why do you get a pull cue? There's the side gone horror Nose off That cast John Goodman, Don Rickles Chevy chase John Goodman already laying who's John Goodman dirty Chevy chase John Goodman has cameo. He opens up the opera for Christopher McDonald. No shit I don't remember that I don't remember that either already laying dude. Yeah. Yeah, did you see already laying on crashing the Pete home Yeah, already deserved a trophy for that amazing. I thought he was incredible. We love already I get that he's playing himself, but still it's like what's like stand-hope on Louis. It's like he's still nailed it Yeah, right. Yeah, that's fun to see. I like when that happens. I don't know So a little by the way Mark had hair transplant surgery two weeks ago Congrats. It's so short here, but it looks good. I didn't I literally didn't think twice when looking at it Thanks, thanks for breaking it up. I am I desperately want to get hair transplant surgery at some point. All right I can give you guys in New York if you want nope, nope, right? You don't have to go to Turkey. No, no turkey up by the Guggenheim I got my teeth fixed. I got the veneers now. I got to get the hair and lose the weight You got to stop kidnapping people I got to stop. There's no Zampak for that. You know, I don't kidnap kids. I know it's called kidnapping adult mapping I guess I just it's not as bad. I need to quit doing it It's not good for the soul. Yeah, but yeah, check out resin evil and boy talk and I got a little voice over gig on the new season of present Curtis An HP on max that'll come on next year, I believe all right, and have you made it like is enacting can you can it all go away? You know or like you can all go away, but he's made it. You've made it. He's one in Emmy, dude and Emmy I mean come on. I I've made it in the sense that like I can work forever and life is awesome, but selfishly All I'll always be chasing yeah an Oscar. I'll always be chasing directing my own movie I'll always be chasing selling a script and and I want to level up whatever that looks like health intellect Fame would be nice not because I need to get into a restaurant for you know quicker. It's more like Fame allows you to do other things whether it's working with a nonprofit and helping them or whether it's making more money or whether it's Getting a better script. Yeah, I'm an island with teenagers. Yeah, who knows? Where's it? I just wanted to say that's money I just wore a Zorro Ranch pin You can look it up. I wore the coordinates to Zorro Ranch on a pin. Well, you're a hell of an actor man I mean, I really made it so you're you're happy to see your success man. I remember after seeing you and I Tony I was like man, I hope that guy like has a great career because yeah And jewel I mean, it's all killing yeah, and I'm John Ragnostic. I'm trying to do stuff so like YouTube satire talk show and horror film and voiceover on Present Curtis and like I'm just kind of Whatever I'm a fan of which is everything. That's when you really made it. You can do what you want to do You can you can pick your roles and pick your gigs. Totally. What was that great to me though, dude? This was really fun. Thanks Paul get back on it. Yeah I just I wanted honey. I want to click. Yeah, I wanted oh I'm in I'm well Yeah, I'm in Los Angeles. Just one night at the Hollywood improv just added it I'm going to be there next week doing some promo stuff from my special on Netflix, which comes out September 29th. I hope you guys all watch it. It's called incorrect Then I'll be in a American comedy co we added a show there maybe we'll be one another one September 24 through 26 We got Phoenix Arizona November 13 through 15th the following weekend We're in the Pittsburgh improv and then December. Let's just go to December We got hilarious in Cleveland December 3rd through 5th Madison with Thompson December 10th through 12th and Timonia Maryland December 17th through 19th then we got like Miami West Palm all that kind of shit Yeah, that's plenty far ahead you got you doing Calgary. Yeah, I'm doing Calgary. They're excited for you I was there they're pumped Calgary. Yeah, I'm doing all over. So yeah, you'll see me samarrow calm slash Or just do just go to punch up punch up dot live slash samarrow punch up dot live slash Mark Norman Mark Where are you gonna be? Hey, many apples. We added the show. So working on this new hour folks It's covered together comes you that porn bit and then I'm at the comedy works in Denver one of the great clubs Madison one of the all-time. These are top five clubs here Portland Helium. That's a fun room as well San Jose boy, that needs help please come on out you crazy kids big room Toughtown crypto whatever Asians Mexicans. We'd love to have you Cap city that'll do it San Jose improv. Sorry. I would go out as far as a Mexicans the best comedy crowd really I think Mexicans I go to San Antonio. They are great. They crushed with these guys. Come on out Atlantic City at the Trappocana cap city comedy club comedy zone in Charlotte and around off the year Foxwoods Come on out and then they were off in 2027 the mothership and Verona the event center in New York's Turning Stone casino and back in Pittsburgh and yeah punch up dot live slash Mark Norman Punch up that live slash samarrow get bodega cat whiskey. We're making moves. We'll get we'll pop it up in more and more club shout out to the team Everyone out there crushing for bodega cat. Yes Message bodega cat whiskey on Instagram if you want and we're in Chicago now. We're in a little noise So hit us up about that. Yeah, yeah, California. Yeah, California, Texas Florida, Louisiana. You name it. New York. You guys are the best. We'll see you next week. Thank you guest Hope and I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop Coming and they can send you well as feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember And I get down in the same way We might be true (dramatic music)