Paul Rudd 3.0

This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. If you go to helixsleep.com, you take their sleep quiz. It takes like a minute. Are you a back sleeper? Are you a back or side sleeper? Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. Because I used to be a side sleeper all my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced to sleep on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress. Also, I've told you about this. Are you putting a pillow under your legs? No. I'm telling you, Dad. Put pillows under your legs. It puts pressure off your lower back. I love Helix mattresses. They will mail the mattress to you. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. We got one here and in the guest room. We got one here and the guest room. People are loving their Helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get a 120-day money-back guarantee. Go to helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. 20% site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash TISO. helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. You know what I mean. What's the site? Do it. Helix Sleep. Helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off the site. What do we have? One more? What's going on? Hey, what's up, man? Hey. Hey. Good to see you, bud. Good to see you. Nice to see you. Rick Glassman. Jack. Nice to meet you. Huge fan. Where are you from? I'm from Cleveland originally. No, I mean, like, are you CNN or? No, I have a podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I met Paul. Paul was on my podcast before, and I just saw that this was a junket and just thought I would maybe, yeah, I don't know, ask him questions. Horse and hound it. Yeah. All right, great. Horse and hound it. So reportedly, the animatronic snakes came very close to seriously injuring Jennifer Lopez. Is it important to always support your fellow castmates when they experience stressful situations, or is it better to focus on your work and keep it to yourself? I'll let Paul go first. I don't get it. What's the, I mean, is that a question from the original, original Anaconda? Yes, I think it is. Is that, Jennifer Lopez isn't in this movie. This is a, this isn't. Jesus. Anaconda. Duncan. Yep. So this is a new Anaconda. You guys, this is like a remake. It's a reimagining. It's about a bunch of guys that, friends that want to remake Anaconda. Well, redo that. It's their version. What's the difference between a remake and a reimagining? Well, I mean, it's a, you know, it's not a straight remake. It's, it's, the movie, the original Anaconda exists in this, in this world. We loved it as kids. And so we, you know, want to pool our money together and try and do our own version, but then things go off the rails. So it's a little meta. Let me take this for a minute. The original was J-Lo and maybe they had like animatronic snakes, but, this is a different movie. I think that's a question from 1997. So that's, I think, Are you just looking on your phone? No, I was, it's my fault. I'm sorry. Okay. It's a reboot. So forget the questions and just ask questions. It's not really a reboot. It's like, it's, this is like a movie within a movie. You know, it's like meta. It's like, It's the same guy that did the Nicolas Cage, Rick Sharp. Yes. The Nicolas Cage movie. That was funny. Yes. Yes. Unbearable weight of massive talent. Duncan, what are you doing? I'm just, no, sorry. I was just making sure your focus is sharp and crisp because last time, because you go soft. I go soft. Last time when we did it with Paul, you were soft. I'm going to get out of here now though. What are you doing? Rick, Rick. We're in the middle of a press junket. Do you know these questions I wrote? Should I call? This guy. Should I call Carly? My assistant. How did they get in here? How did you get in here? I got to say guys, we've been doing a fucking junket for a long time today. I'm tired. I'm holding a fucking shit in the chamber. And I'd have to go take a number two. If you want to do this interview, let's fucking do it. But if we're going to just fuck around, then I'm going to fucking walk. Here, here. What you did to me was terrible. And first of all, you put it out. And why would you do that to me? I asked you if I could post. I have no memory of that, dude. I mean, I was like, I was out of my mind. I was on pills. I'd be like, I shit my pants. You put it out online. I asked Duncan. I'm like, I don't know if I should put this out. And when I asked you, that would be okay. I mean, come on, man. Honest to goodness. I thought we were friends. I didn't know. I don't even know you. I'm going to take it down. Yeah. Take it down. I think I, I, I, I, I want you to be happy with what you're doing. I'm such a fan. Look, I'm making it. I'm taking it off. Please. I didn't even know it was still on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look, I don't mean to yell. I don't like to yell. I don't like to get upset. I mean, I think you can tell I'm not like this. All right. I told you you could put out. I appreciate you taking it down. I don't mean to say we're not friends. We don't really know each other. Maybe it's, you know, I will attest to that. It's hard for me to make friends too. I don't, I mean, we're friends. I mean, we're friends. We haven't, we haven't actually spent almost any time together. It's really hard as an adult to make like when we're making, when we're making the movie, we did hang out and I guys, I'm not even joking. I really do have to take a shit and I feel like I'm being held hostage here. Yeah. That guy, he's giving off a weird fucking vibe. I can tell you guys have bad history, but we're here to promote a fucking movie. And this guy is coming with some weird psycho baggage. Do we have security? Do we have security? Tell you what, I feel bad. Do we have security? I actually feel bad. I don't get security over here. Why don't we do that? I'm going to be back in a couple of weeks. We'll do it again. It's not necessary. We can talk about doing up and do it. Do another episode. I took this down. I am so sorry. Take that down. I already took it. I'm so sorry. You know me. I like to honor my commitments. All right. Take that down. You'll get rid of it. We'll do what we should have done, which is just a regular conversation. Yes. I'll be back in a few weeks and we can do it then. Rick, that's great. Okay. I don't want him around for it though. Then I won't be. Okay. Easy as that. See you in a few weeks. Good. That was embarrassing. I'm a huge fan of Enemy of the State. Good to meet you guys. Rick. Are you okay? Yeah, I was just calling my dad. I feel so bad. Yeah. Because he said we could post. Yeah, I'm a little confused to be honest, but I respect his feelings. I think his face looks amazing. Uh-huh. I'm going to hang back. I'm not going to come. Yeah. No, I don't. No, I know. No, I think I shouldn't. And I know it was an accident. Yeah, it kind of breaks my heart that he had that reaction to me, but it's not about me. But listen, I'm going to hang back, but I want you to use this on your camera from now on, actually. Throw the old one away. This is the best autofocus that you can find. Oh, so I was using autofocus because I don't have a stand-in, and then sometimes it gets soft. I talked to the guy in the store for like three hours about it. Trust me. Trust me. I guarantee this will work for you. I want you to be crisp. I don't want you to ever be soft again, especially on your own show, you know. If that doesn't work, you know, you can fire me. But, um. All right. So, I feel bad. However, I took it down. He's coming again. You did take it down? Yes. I made it private. I don't, you know. Okay. I thought that you were just kind of saying that. No. Okay. I don't personally feel like you should take it down. I'm just like. For a guy who says he likes to honor his commitments. No, I mean, I'm not. I mean, obviously, he's the guy who got burned, you know. I don't know what you're talking about. No, well. He didn't put the. Why is he? Yeah. Why is he now changing his tune? Oh, because. Playing the victim. He pooped his pants, and he fell down the stairs, and he got burned, and. Did you mean for any of that to happen? No. Exactly. It's pretty cool that he's coming over. This time, also, it's at my house, you know. It's great, man. This will be a big redemption. You deserve it. Does Jack Black do cocaine? I think so. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. has to come a couple hours early. I'm going to turn this off in one sec. Sorry, my guest is to come a couple hours earlier. May I? Thanks. This is intense, huh? Thank you for this, though. Yeah. Is it better or not? Yeah, I meant like if you have something to polish, like a rag. I didn't mean you didn't have to get these. Thank you, though. Oh, okay. My guest is coming a little early, and I was going to ask if you could start in the kitchen. Okay. - Thank you. - No, no, no, it's okay. - You guys got this one too? - This is like a. - Take your shoes off best editing for a video podcast. Gold listener's choice. And I asked 'cause they were in the mail and if we could polish them a little bit, I more so meant like a rag. And then they picked these up. I mean, look at, it's like a. This is actually really cool. - Yeah, that's where the sink and the sponge is for the-- - Great, okay, perfect. Do you want, I gave you water, is there anything else you need? - The publicist said that I think he's here. His publicist just messaged me. I'll be right back. Hey, Alvin, I love you, good boy, cheers. He's a, mm, mm, he's such a good boy. - Hey, dude. - Hey. - Thank you for doing this. - Did you really take my shoes? - Yes, please. Do you want me to take your shoes off? - Yeah. - Okay. - So, I have, um. My cleaning, uh, ladies are here, and, um. - Oh, now I gotta take your shoes off. - Yeah. - That's, uh. - So, I'll probably have them go upstairs soon, but I'm gonna have you here. - Yeah, that's all you wanted me to do. - Yeah, well, it's not-- I don't want you to take your shoes off. Because that's the name of the podcast. The name of the podcast is because I want people to take their shoes off. Kind of like what, um, JFK said about your country. Do you know what I'm talking about, even? - Asked not what your country can do for you, yeah. - What you can do for your country. - Right. - Sorry, doesn't matter. Um, I'm gonna have you here. - Okay. - And your publicist said that you might want a coffee. I have a coffee for you. Or water. - Ooh, thanks. Uh, yeah, whatever's fine. - Okay. Um, Alvin, excuse me. - Oh, good boy. - Hi. - I rem-- I remember you. - Alvin? - Alvin. - I remember you faintly, I remember. Yes, yes. That's a sweet dog. Is this right? I mean, is this good? - Yes, it's great. I want to get the focus right. Do you remember, McCone, how to-- how to get the-- where-- in what settings? All right, Paul, I'll have you look to camera. - Oh, yeah. - All right. Nice. And no water, just the coffee? - Yeah, that's fine. Water-- coffee's great. - Uh. - Oh. - Yeah, sorry. - That's all right. No, thank you. Sorry. - Yeah, actually, sorry. I didn't forget. I wasn't thinking about it. - I guess I didn't either. - Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. - Hi, sorry. Did that scare you? Did that scare you? - Do you want a water, too? - Uh, yeah, thanks. That sounds great. Thank you. - Look at that. It's pretty fancy. This place is fancy. You got a lot of trophies everywhere. - Thank you for noticing. I actually just-- we just got a few more. I want to mention it on the podcast, so let me just get this all set up. - Okay. - Yeah, trophies and. Is that Kristen Bell? - Yes. - That's a pretty, uh, racy shot. - Yeah. - I don't think this is my signature. - Will you sign-- cross that out and sign it and maybe a message? - Of course. I've got it done. I think I've-- I'm proud of it. - Could you hold it up? - Yeah. - Okay. - Now, full disclosure, I'm stealing a little bit from Dax's bit here. - Dear Rick, you have the best bums? - Buns. - Buns in the languages? - In the business. - Sorry, autism. - Wow. What is that from? - Oh, yeah, you know Kristen. You guys are friends from, uh, from, um-- - Forgetting Sarah Marshall. - Yeah. - Yeah. She's great. She's like my little sister. - Do you-- you have a little sister, don't you? Or are you a little sister? - I do have a little sister. I have an actual little sister, real life, but, uh. - Oh, Kristen's great. I mean, I-- I've worked with her. I actually worked with her a little bit on "Veronica Mars." Oh, yeah, sorry. Actually, it is. I worked with her a little bit on "Veronica Mars," and then I worked with her again on, um, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." She's great. She's-- I mean, it's so-- I'm gonna ask them to go upstairs. Give me one sec. Sorry. Hey. Could-- Hey, it's just, uh, do you mind starting upstairs? It's just 'cause it's a little loud. I'm sorry. - Okay. - Is that okay? - Yeah. - Thank you. - Uh, is-- do you need any of this stuff? For upstairs? - Yeah, for the-- yeah, this. - Thank you. Sorry. - - Okay. - Um, and whenever you're done, just come down, let me know, and we'll figure it out. - Thank you. - Thank you. Sorry. - Okay. I'm sorry. - Sorry. - Excuse me. - No, it's all right. Um. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Let me do this one more time. Paul, look, the-- this camera right now? - Yeah. - All right, cool. - Sorry. - Um. - Um, did you-- do you want me to wear these headphones? Is that for us? - Yeah, I-- I-- you don't have to. What do you think? I don't know. It's your-- you-- - I-- I-- I put 'em on and off. I wear 'em. I don't-- I keep-- I do a little bit of both. - You do 'em like this, too? - Yeah, I do 'em like this. Makes me feel like a DJ a little bit. - Yeah. I don't like that. - Um. - I'll do-- I'll-- - Um, you talk about knowing Kristen from Veronica Mars. - Yeah, so I knew Kristen and, um. - You guys friends? - Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't talk to her all the time or anything, but, uh, yeah, I'd say she's a friend of mine. - You're about to ask me something I feel like I need to ask you. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'd say she's a friend of mine. - You're about to ask me something I feel like I cut you off. - No, that's-- I, uh, it's okay. I didn't mean for your cleaning ladies to have to go upstairs. It's-- - I mean, there's a start-- I-- - Yeah, I don't-- - Do you think it was-- is it rude? - Like, are you saying for me or for them? - No, I mean, I feel like, uh-- Well, it's weird that they're here. - You had to come a couple hours earlier. - Oh, that's-- yeah, sorry about that. My parents are selling their house. - Oh, yeah? - The house I grew up in. - Oh, wow, that's gotta be kind of emotional. - Um, yeah. It's my favorite place to be. I'm there, like, three months a year. I absolutely love being there, and they just sold the house and they moved out to California, which I'm glad-- whatever. I'm glad they're closer, blah, blah, blah, but I hadn't been here for a little bit. I wanted it to be clean before you came. And then you had to come sooner, which is totally fine. - I, uh, yeah, I, um-- Sorry about that, but I didn't mean to-- - It's fine. - --throw off your schedule or anything. - All good. - So, are they-- do they-- How often do they come here? - Uh, I don't-- I mean, once every month or two. Like, I try to keep my place clean, but then it's like, I don't do as good of a job. - There's two of 'em. - I know. - Wow. - How often do you get your house cleaned? - I mean, I-- whenever. I mean, I clean it. - You don't have cleaning? - No. I mean, I have, uh-- My wife will clean the house, too. And I will clean the house. We don't have cleaning-- - How often do you guys clean? - Like, well, we kind of do it as we live. Every day. - I feel the same. - Yeah. - But, like, you clean your toilet after every poop? - No. - Eleanor Roosevelt. - Eleanor Roosevelt? Did she do that? - That's a-- there's a quote of hers. She just-- she cleans her toilet-- Cleaning your toilet after every poop. It's like, um, Warren Zevon has "Enjoy every sandwich." - Sure. - Keep your-- keep your place clean and enjoy yourself. - Yeah. And much like Zevon, she kind of learned that as she was dying. - Wait, what are you talking about? Eleanor Roosevelt? - No, I don't know. It's-- I'm just-- I'm just trying to connect it to Warren Zevon. - How often do you clean your toilets? - I-- I don't know. Like, the regular amount. - How often do you clean your sheets? - Oh. Once-- once or twice a year. - No. Really, how often do you clean your sheets? - Well, I-- I wash the sheets every-- every week where they're getting cleaned. Yeah. - Um, I want to also just acknowledge-- I know we already talked, um, 'cause we don't know each other. - No. - And also, I-- like, normally I ask these questions and I-- I don't know if you're uncomfortable or whatever. I do feel a little bit responsible for your emotions, your feelings, which is-- I shouldn't-- I-- Um, I am truly-- I am sorry for my posting the other episode. - So-- - I can tell, and I appreciate it. And, um, thank you for taking it down. And, uh, you know, it-- it's interesting. I never-- I certainly would not have guessed I'd be back here doing this and talking about it with you, but it-- at the same time, I'm glad we are. As I said before, I like to-- I just almost joked on my own. Yeah. - I'm-- I'm nervous. - Yeah. Don't be nervous. This is-- it's, uh-- No. It-- I-- I feel-- I must say, I feel a little weird. - Mm-hmm. - Um, because, uh, you know, obviously last time-- it's funny. I have memories. Uh, I remember obviously showing up, and I remember our conversation, and then I remember, uh, you know, the coffee spilling in my face, and then going to the hospital. There were things about it that I don't, uh, quite remember. They're a little blurry. Um, and it-- uh, I was a little surprised that you posted it, um, but-- - Thank you for taking it down. I'm feeling defensive. I-- I know we acknowledged it already. - Yeah. - Um, I-- I asked you. I didn't think about-- and I don't have your phone number. - I don't-- yeah, I was just a little, obviously, not in my-- in the right headspace to know exactly what I'm saying. - It makes sense. I am sorry. I would have liked to have contacted you. Um, Duncan reached out to your publicist. Uh, he said you reached out to your publicist. We didn't hear anything back. I don't have your phone number. - Yeah. Um, it's okay. It's fine. I'm glad we're here. I'm doing it. We're clear-- clearing it up. And you know that-- and I-- I will be honest with you, which is, uh, I never watched it. Um, a lot-- people did reach out to me, and I know that there was even things going around that-- there was genuine concern from people who, um, want to see if I was okay. Um, I am. And, uh, you know, it's-- it's a weird job. This is a weird job to have. And if you're a kind of a public personality, you some-- kind of want to curate your own, um, persona as much as possible. I'm gonna try and be authentic. I'm gonna try to be who I am. But I'm really kind of, you know, careful about what I say, what I do, and-- and it's weird to kind of have done something. And, uh, there was no filter. I mean, that was, uh, you know, what you saw is clearly what you got. And it's an interesting experience to go through something like that and then come out on the other side and realize you're okay. I'm okay. It wasn't too- Do you, are you saying, cause like you are like the guy next door, like you're, I don't know how many, the sexiest man alive thing, at least things, times have changed. I think sometimes it's even women now, which I think is very brave and important. But at the time when you were sexiest man, it was usually, it's like a rough and tumble kind of guy. Right. And you're like the nicest sex. Do you feel like you have to be, like, I remember you were telling, I don't know if you remember, but last time we did this, you were telling me that sometimes you feel like because you're in the Marvel universe, you have to be a certain way around kids that maybe if cameras weren't on or if parents weren't around or whatever, you would maybe like say no, at least to more people. Do you feel like there's a thing that you have to do? I think you just, in general, it's like, you know, I'm a regular person. Sometimes I don't want to be, I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to take selfies. I don't want to, you know, I'm not interested in your life, generally. I mean, like, you know, that's, and you, you know, you have to, you have to pretend like you are because it's kind of whether or not that's part of the gig. I don't think it is not a question. It's just like, you know, I'm afforded a very nice life. I'm very lucky. And I think, that's, I want to, I want to be pleasant and I want to be nice with people. And I do like talking with people sometimes, but not all the time. But I think sometimes I have to be a little bit more genial in situations where I would much rather just kind of like. Like grant wishes, grant three wishes. Grant three wishes. Is that what you mean? Genial. No, no, no. Nice. Just being, no, not a genie, genial. Which is genie-like. I don't know what you mean. It's okay. It's, I'm just, just kind of yapping away. So I, for a little bit, I'm a little distracted because I wanted more water and I don't want to get up, but I'm going to have to. Let me just get water real quick. Is there anything else you need? No, I'm great. This is some nice, cold Mountain Valley spring water. It's the only thing I have on my rider when I do for standup. The only thing I ask you might get for the green room is, is Mountain Valley water in a, usually in a glass bottle. Uh-huh. Why is that? Because you don't like all the microplastics and stuff like that? Yeah. Although they say that there's just as much bad stuff in the glass bottles. I think it's more peace of mind or as Jabba the Hutt would say, peace of mind, not Jabba the Hutt, pizza the hut. Right. I mean, it's going to be so loud, even upstairs. I wonder if we're leaving here in the mix. What are they doing? I think that's the shower. They're doing the shower. That's like you clean your own showers. I clean everything. Well, we just clean out, you know, yeah, clean our house. I was going to ask you something and I don't remember what it was. Are you sure they're not using a belt sander up there? That was loud. I don't know. Did they, I have, they brought, so I have these, so I just won these awards for like best editing for a video podcast, most innovative video podcast. We got the gold for the judge's award as well as a people's choice. Anyway, I have some awards. I have some awards and I asked if they would, if they would come, I texted to have them like shine them a little and they look very shiny. Yeah. Um, look what they brought for the trophies. Yeah. Well, I don't know if they use this one. They're going to get your car afterward too. Probably what it's for. Right. And then this, yeah, she was using this and I'm like, what was one wasn't enough. That's like hardwood floor cleaner. Yeah. So they were cleaning my, they, so yeah. Anyway. Well, um, have you won any awards? Uh, or been nominated for anything? Yeah. I've been nominated a couple of times for some things, but I've won a couple of things. Well, I won people's sexiest, nicest man alive, but there's no trophy for that. Is there? Uh, no, there's no trophy. So it's not really. Do you have it framed somewhere? No, I don't. Do you have any, do you have things framed? Like, do you have posters of hot or something? No, I don't. Oh, I have the original wet hot. What? I just remembered something that I could ask you after, but so I told you last time, um, wet hot is I'm a huge fan. Paul Rudd. Uh, we had also known loosely, uh, he had done, um, Romeo and Juliet with our friend, Zach Orth. He was like, your humor is up my alley. And so we were like, great. You know, will you be in our movie? And that's basically how we met him basically around asking him to be in our movie. Was he six inches really hard. One of the greatest scenes in comedy to me is when Paul Rudd is asked to pick up the silverware. Yeah. And then he has to just, it's 20 seconds of him sighing and just being big. He goes into wet hot and he's surrounded by. Yeah. Comedians. I don't know if Paul Rudd was a comedian. Did he become funny? Did he already have that in him? I think he already had it in him. He, he grew up always a comedy fan and he is just born genius. I mean, like it's obvious he's, he's one of the most talented, natural, uh, actors I've ever seen in my life, uh, worked with or not worked with. And I have, um, this awesome. I don't know if you've seen this before. Oh, I have seen that. Um, and I had David, uh, cause I did a movie with David Wayne and he signed it. And before this ends, I want to ask you to sign this. Sure. Um, and I've had some other people from wet hot on. I realized I should try to get everybody on and have them sign it, but, uh, and happy 25th anniversary. Thanks. Yeah. Wow. Crazy. 25 years. Um, but sorry, I don't remember. I, we talked about, I interrupted. No, we're talking about my awards. Yes. So would you have anything, any of like your work? Um, Wow. Do you have an office that has anything of your works and the Ant-Man like action? I actually, you know, the, um, you know, the wet hot American summer poster. It's like a, it's a, the movie poster, the one sheet, which is, we're all like in a car and it's a cartoon. I have the original. That's a DVD cover. What do you mean? Oh, I have the original, the artist who drew it, painted it. I have that. He gave it to me. What do you do with it? I have it hanging on my wall. Do you like it? Yeah. Yeah, I do. My instinct was, I was going to ask, like, if you don't, not doing anything with it, if I could have it. Right. David Wayne wanted it too. And you said no to him. Yeah. You guys are close. David's one of my best friends. Um, have you guys ever come together? No, not to my knowledge, but maybe. Yeah. Thanks for coming by. Yeah, absolutely. No, I'm glad I could be here. And, uh, and, um, we could do this again and it'll be a little, a little less embarrassing. Also, maybe we could become friends because, as I remember, it is difficult to become friends when you're an adult. That is true. It is hard to become friends when you're an adult. I remember we were talking about that last time. You're a basketball player. Is this where you're pointing at? Yeah. You play basketball? Boom. You tell me. That looks good. Woo! Hey, you may be Chris's girlfriend, but I just made you my bitch. Will you look at the camera and go, whew? Me? Yeah. Whew. Good. That was a nice, whoa, hey, uh, uh, cat-like reflexes this time around, not last. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, Joven. This is great. I'm having a blast. I'm happy to be here and I'm having a great time. So, thank you again, Brad. Oh, hey. That's all right. I appreciate it. Thank you. This is extremely hot, so I took it off. Okay. Oh, my God. Ow! Oh, my God. Put your hands down! Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Okay. That's good. That was really hot. Come on, put your head back. Put your head back. Paul! Put your head back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm going to call an ambulance. A little more of this. Put your head back, please. I promise this is going to help. Rick, Rick, 9-1-1, 9-1-1, 9-1, Rick. I know, I know. Yeah, that's a good idea, Rick. That's good. That's just right. Oh, God! Come on, Paul. Please walk with me. Please walk with me, Paul. 9-1-1. It's okay. I know you're freaked out. I know it's very scary. Come through. Come on. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, careful, Rick. Careful, careful, careful. Oh, God. Oh, God. Hang on. Oh, God. Oh, God. What happened? Hot coffee in the face. Oh, God. Dunkin' Donuts, black coffee. Well, that wasn't really your fault. No, it wasn't. Also, I almost feel like it was. Look at that. Hey, baby. Look at that. Palm in a basketball. It's a little deflated. That's why I can do it. I was talking about you last time you were on the podcast. Yeah, I know. I was a little deflated. Yeah. You play ball? I'm like a regular Geese Osby. Geese Osby from the NBA, maybe? Harlem Globetrotters. Oh. Back in the day with Fred Curly Neal. Yeah. Who used to. Be bald. Is he dead or did he get hair? I don't know if he's. I don't know if he ever got hair, but I don't know. I don't think he's with us anymore. - Isn't that crazy to think that like, there's a better chance that he died than he has a full head of hair. You're absolutely right. Unless he met somebody who was being genial and he made three wishes. Yeah, with two left. And I don't know what the first one was, but the second one was to have hair and the third one was to be alive. Well, then he's still alive. Okay. Oh, I remember what I was going to say. You were talking about having to like not be yourself. Sometimes you feel like it's better to be inauthentic, which is kind of a, I talk about this in my routine, my standup act, but like of the cost benefit of when is it worth draining your battery to satisfy others? And on paper, it sounds like never, but that's what being civilized is. And you have to kind of- It's just being, regardless of what you do, it's just a thing I think in life. Sometimes you do, you drain your battery because you don't want to be rude. Sometimes, I used to have a hard time when people would say, how you doing? Because I felt disingenuous. If I'm not doing well, I don't want to get into it. I don't want to have to ask. Like you even said, it's not that you're not interesting. I'm just not interested right now. Yeah. And I just felt like, good things, how are you? But I learned as an adult that they're not really asking how you are a lot of the times. It's just a call and response. Yeah. But sometimes someone will say, how you doing? And I'm like, good things, how are you? And they go, good things, how are you? And I'm like, you started it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I clocked those people. That's how checked out they are. They're just playing by the rules that they think they're supposed to play by. They don't even subscribe to them. I don't want to have to do this. We're all doing the dance, you know? No one really cares. When do you feel like you don't do the dance? Well, I certainly didn't do the dance when I was on your show the first time. You never watched it, huh? I never watched it. I never watched it. No, I, honest to God, I still have never, I still have never seen your show, your podcast, your show. It's a show? It's a show. Okay. I don't really watch- Award winning show, actually. Clearly, yeah. Most innovative video podcast, listener's choice and judges pick. That's great. Congratulations. Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't really, I didn't watch that. I knew it would probably be somewhat traumatic, but it was kind of nice to weirdly go through something like that and then come out the other side and it, it, it didn't, it didn't, you know, destroy my life or anything. But you know, you learn, you learn, you learn things about yourself sometimes when you're, you know, you face these things. Do you know what you learned if you don't even remember it? I don't, I don't remember. I met, I, you know, I remember there was a recovery period afterward, obviously from injuries and things. And, and I, and people checked in. I mean, we, I got a text from Jeffrey Katzenberg who wanted to make sure that, he's like, "Oh my God, are, are you okay?" I don't know if he had seen that. If he had seen something or, or there was a, something was going around, if somebody talked to him or a clip or something, but he checked in with me. A few people did. I didn't realize that I had soiled myself, which is horrifying. That's probably the worst part because that's incredibly embarrassing. - So I went back and forth with that because I asked you and to, and I, I, I blurred it. You can still see what it is. I also thought that like your, you have a huge penis. I mean, you too, you have a huge penis. And I thought that like, oh, if we're not showing any of that, then like, would, would you rather, like if, if showing the poop takes you down two points, showing the penis raises you four. So I thought you're coming out ahead, a big head. - Very good. Basically, yeah. Two steps back, four steps forward is what you're saying? - Yes. Four skin forward. And I, like, because you said I could post it. I'm like, great, great. - Yeah. - I get what you're saying. But is that what people were worried about, about the poop or the burns? I feel like the poop is kind of just after. - I don't know what people were worried about. I know when I heard after the fact, that would, I, I was less worried about everything else. So then the poop, I didn't realize that you even saw my penis. - Here you go, Paul. We're going to put your left, right, right, right leg through here. Hold on to me. - Dude, this is, hey. - Perfect. - Duncan. - Okay, go around. - This is insane. - It's, it was hard. It was soft to miss. It was hard to miss, even when it's soft. - Thanks. - You have to, do you have, like, I hear what Liam, Liam Neeson has a huge cock. People talk about. - I don't know. You don't even clean your own toilets. - Do feel like people don't know how big your penis is. Or at least, I mean, I've never done, I've never been, you know, naked in a movie. I've never gone. - Why? - Why? I mean, what's a, I mean, I'm a fairly private person. I don't want to be just wagging my dick all over the place. - I'm not Harvey Keitel. - Harvey Keitel and the piano. - Harvey Keitel. Oh, Batman. - I, it was, it was, no. - Why can't I picture who Harvey Keitel is? - Harvey Keitel. He was in Mean Streets. He was in. - Grosvenor Dogs. - Right. - He was in, yeah, he was in Bad Lieutenant. - Who am I thinking about that was, he played. - You're thinking of Harvey Korman. - No, no. From the Harlem Globetrotters. What's the one that played a midget that was in Batman? - Danny DeVito. - Danny DeVito. - Danny DeVito. No, no, no. I was thinking the same thing. It turns out he's really like 5'8". - Also, also an offensive term and also not a midget. - Midget is not an offensive term. - Is it not? - Wait. - I don't know what's an offensive. I don't know what's an offensive term. - 'Cause I have a midget friend and I think he doesn't like to be called a little person. So what do I call him? Just his name? - That works. - Is midget offensive? - Midget is a term that I don't think we can use that anymore. It's always changing. - I don't know what's in fashion anymore, what we're allowed to say or do. - As long as you don't say the color of the midget. But there was a little- - Unless they're a white midget. - Yes, a white midget is fine. - White midget, yeah. - A white straight midget. Movie idea, I'll pitch you later. - A white midge. - Midge sounds like a derogatory term for a vagina, doesn't it? - It might be in England. - Yeah. - A midge. Midge is also the name of one of the characters from the Archie comics. - Dating yourself much? - So have you ever hurt Eddie- - Because of the size of you. - By the way, yes, I am at the size of you. - And also the name of the lead singer of Ultravox, Midge Yor. What is the actor who is in "Batman" and he plays a- - Arnold Schwarzenegger, right there. Love Arnold, dude. - Mr. Freeze. Who is the actor in "Batman" who's also a white midget in something else? - Adam West in "Fantasy Island." - Are they moving for you, Drew? - "Batman." Christian Bale, "Batman" cast. You're gonna know who I'm talking about. - Oh, the Christian Bale version. - Gary Oldman, which is what I call you every time you talk about Archie. We'll be right back. - All right, well, Ricky's on the loose. If you want to see me doing live stand-up. - Hey. - Hey, man. - What's up? Hey, Duncan. - How you doing? - I'm recording commercials now. Fine. - Are you okay? How was Paul? - Dude. It was, it was a disaster. - What, what? - I don't know. It's enough. I feel like I can't post this episode again, man. - What are you, you're kidding me. What are you talking about? - Well, for starters, I dumped the footage and all of my camera is completely out of focus. It's so out of focus. I honestly, I almost started crying. - Rick, why didn't you use the lens I gave you? - I used the lens you gave me. And it's so out of focus. It has never happened like this before. - That makes no sense. I'm sorry, I'm not understanding that. - It looks like- - It's that fucking Paul Rudd, man. I mean, if he had not said, I mean, okay, I understand he didn't want me to be there. He was, but if he had just not, if he had let me do my job and come produce the episode, I could have run quality control over the whole thing. Not, I mean, if he had let me do my job and come produce the episode, I could have run quality control over the whole thing. And none of that, you would have been sharp. You would not have been soft. You must've used it, you know, completely incorrectly. - It auto corrected on to the, my cleaning lady. Before I even started. - Why was she, she should have never been in the frame. I'm sorry to make that kind of creative statement, but I feel terrible. You don't have to pay me for the lens, but we'll try and make it work. And otherwise I'll take it back. I'll return it. They, the guy talked to me about this thing. Like it was the fucking, like it was the most idiot proof lens you could buy. this guy in the story made it seem like the biggest moron on earth would get a sharp image with this thing i can't i mean he told me he told me you would not be soft have you have you have you thought about using ai or i don't know is it worth a shot i mean how does it look is it like can you even tell it's a person like how how you know what do you how how soft are you do you know when you say that like that it sounds like you're talking about my dick you keep saying i'm soft and i go soft no i'm not it's nothing i'm not i mean i know i just the way you're saying it at all it's not at all yeah i mean the opposite if anything i mean what does that mean you mean it's not even a sexual i know i'm not i was i never felt like i was even talking about your penis i mean i i was talking about i was trying to solve the lens problem i don't think you're you know like what what's the word soft i'm soft i am soft but anyway i'm not but no i mean that's the that's the furthest thing from what i think of you or what i meant by that i'm sorry i'm a little confused but i hope you don't feel too bad about it man i mean everything's you know aside from that i'm sure it was amazing it's amazing good paul to come back i mean i'm sure he's glad that he came back he won't mind that you're soft in the episode and you've got so much good stuff going on you've got the rickies on the loose tour coming up you've got all these dates coming up i don't know i mean oh yeah let me do these commercials real quick how can i help with that you know like let me just bang out i have everything's going let me bang out these commercials real quick and i'll talk about it later um i'm gonna start with uh i'm just doing my uh my dates i'm adding more dates but like the ones i have now let me just do these real quick i have them here ricky's on the loose and if you want to see it what's that phoenix yeah i just want to i'm gonna i'm cutting in from this ricky's on the loose and if you want to see me work my hour in your city i'll be in phoenix arizona january nine ten and eleven i'll be in phoenix i'll be in pittsburgh pennsylvania january 23 23 and 24 23 and 24 i'm gonna be in san francisco february 7th and then um and you have a little break yeah you have like a two-week break then and then you go back to denver 26 27 denver colorado 26 27 and 28 then i'm going to this time yeah what's that no we're not doing boulder this time i'm just saying saying what you are doing actually is denver and then after denver i think i am in houston texas yeah yeah in may big jog over to texas in uh march march 26 27 march 26 i'll be in houston texas it's the same in february 26 27 28th year in denver and in march 26 27 28th year in houston so you know it's easy for the people in those two cities to remember just all they have to remember is the month and why would the people in denver need to know the same in houston why does it's more complicated it doesn't matter it makes it easier actually absolutely so i'll be in denver for me it would make it easier if i was in denver i would be in denver i would be in denver i would be in denver if i was in denver i would just think okay denver and houston i'll be there the 26 27 28th denver it's february houston it's march uh denver is february houston i'll be in cleveland ohio my hometown the first time i've ever headlined there may 1st and 2nd and then i will be in dallas texas on the next texas erving texas erving texas erving texas may 7 8 9 i'm also adding a bunch more cities so if you want to find me i'll be in denver i'll be in denver i'll be in dallas texas or buy tickets here you can go to punch up dot live slash rick glassman yeah and i think we just move that i really want to just get that so that we can get all of that over to rick glassman.com don't you think rick i mean i think it's you know punch up dot live slash rick glassman it's it's i know you're really good at saying it now but it's a bit of a mouthful so i think over the next week we should just get everything consolidated we'll try to get it to rick glassman dot com hopefully we'll have that i'd really like to make that work make that happen for you that would be great it is easier rick glassman maybe we'll have that set up for you i'd really like to have you could also go to rick glassman.com maybe and tell them to sign up for the mailing list and then when they sign up for the mailing list they find out when you're you know you're adding new shows all the time and when you're within like 50 miles of their city they get the email notification and sign up for my email list and uh i won't spam you just i'll let you know if i'm coming close to your city so you can just we're letting you know when rick's coming to your to your city it's not about okay we got it that's fine i want to move on to the next one um yeah we're doing for ricky's on the loose tour yeah what is the next one what are you doing what are you doing i'm saying for the next ad i want to do uh i got to do factor meals great i have the factor meals are great yeah i have the copy here do you need me to send it to you i have it but text it to me no problem there you go okay this episode is sponsored by factor meals duncan have you ever have i sincerely my mom uses this all the time i have a subscription for her that i get her i don't remember if i've talked to you about factor before have i oh yeah what do you what do you think is a good selling point about this um i like beef and uh they have a lot of beef options they have a lot of options that include high protein calorie smart mediterranean diet glp1 support and ready to eat salads i always tell people who you know like a lot of beef it's it's a great place plus the new muscle pro collection supports strength and recovery beef is a great way for that but there's also chicken and there's vegetarian meals as well yeah beef's full of protein and iron so especially for recovery and so everything's always fresh never forgets frozen what if you have anemia if you're anemic um ready in about two minutes no prep no stress a lot of times i just my meal delivery stuff i just eat it out of the fridge cold i i like like cold food okay it's normally a quick head to factor meals.com slash tiso 50 off and use code t-y-s-o-5-0-o-f-f to get 50 off your first factor box plus free breakfast for one year that's all awesome most important meal of the day offer only valid what are they what kind of breakfasts do they have right eggs bacon maybe right anything with any kind of steak and eggs you could look online and check out the menu it's only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase make healthy eating easy with factor hey making me hungry over here seriously great rick you're in the pocket right now uh this is really good it's it's gonna be it's gonna be a great episode i think this episode is sponsored by better help do you need a little bit of help i know i do that's right that's right i mean you're fortunate you have you have help sometimes but sometimes i feel like i i even could use uh some help are you in therapy no i just mean an assistant or someone to help me just maintain you know we're doing an ad for better help for therapy now so i'm just trying to incorporate you into it i know i'm coming i'll bring it back around to that okay um do you need help what was the um are you i'm asking if you need help and you need to talk about not an assistant but well are you in therapy for real not currently have you been no so why did you say not currently i'm not currently doesn't that sound a little leading like you used to be in it like when you say i'm soft i'm saying sometimes i feel like you say stuff and there is like a manipulative intention behind it well if i say i'm not what i meant was maybe i will be at some point i guess i can't tell the future but you know what i mean yeah i feel like then you would say not yet i haven't yet i haven't yet i almost want to do couples therapy with you i love therapy i've been in therapy for a long time my this podcast is often it feels like therapy sometimes because i i love asking questions of intention and what i found is that a lot of times answers are relatively easy what's difficult is finding what questions to ask and sometimes i'm asking a friend or a family member questions and and they're there to support me and it's difficult to find that line between support and being enabled and having a professional to listen to you to help you figure out these questions to ask is just something that i am in absolute full support of and what better help does is it helps match you with a clinical licensed therapist and if you don't like the therapist that matches you with you could get a new therapist at no cost to you one time i saw um don cheetle at an ear nose and throat doctor in the waiting room okay better help makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com slash tyso that's better h-e-l-p.com slash tyso have you seen hotel rwanda i think so i don't really remember it i know don cheetle's in it is that why you bring it up yeah i was thinking about it all right listen you don't have to pay me for that whole day in la i feel terrible i feel like it's completely my fault that you went you know totally soft for the whole episode um listen rick don't get too down i'm sure the episode's gonna be great you have to post it i mean paul you know did you did this amazing thing he came back it seemed like he wanted to come back and do it again it's a total redemption you know he he honors his commitments and so do you and don't don't stress about being soft that you went soft for the whole episode and listen why don't you just try to see if you could fix it with ai Try it for like five, 10 seconds, see if it works. it might solve the whole problem. All right. Thanks for helping with the commercials. And I. Anytime. I could do that anytime you want. I had fun with it. I think it's a really interesting thing to do. I want to go. I haven't eaten yet. I'll talk to you later. Thanks, bud. Okay, bud. Talk to you soon. All right. Talk soon. Bye-bye. Bye. I think it just broke this. Yeah. What a bummer, man. Dude, that sucks. This is the good one. This is the most innovative video podcast. Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. Because I used to be a side sleeper all my life. But the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced to sleep on my back. And I never could. And I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now, is because I'm on a Helix mattress. No. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. 20% site-wide. What's the site? Do it. Are you thinking of Gary Oldman and Midget because of tiptoes? Yes. I thought so. Did you? Did I what? Did you think so? Because you guessed Arnold Schwarzenegger first. Well, he was in Batman. I wasn't thinking of Gary Oldman. And when you said Gary Oldman, Midget, then I thought of tiptoes. Yeah. That's a wild movie, huh? I mean, I've never seen the movie. I've seen clips, which is probably what Jeffrey Katzenberg saw of this. I wonder if we could get him on the pod. I'd like to talk to him about Quibi. Tubi? Continued when he gets here. Oh, two points. Two points. How about three? Oh, my. You really got a shot. I see. That's good form. You shoot the ball way too much. Kobe! Kobe! Shaq! Michael Jordan! Oops. You're like Steph Curry with that three shot. You try to fit in with the youth. Hey, quick question. You ever shoot from top of the key? Okay. You know what? He's not a cop. Let him in. He knows about basketball. Yeah. So, back to the awards, though. Oh, right. What have you been nominated for? I was nominated for. I've been nominated for a Golden Globe and I've been nominated for an Emmy. What was the Emmy for? All My Children? No. I think it was for. You think it was for. Cool. Very cool. I think it was for maybe Only Murders in the Building. Yes. Yeah. Sorry, I didn't hear you. What was that? Only Murders in the Building. That's a deaf joke. You're really. Okay. What? No, I was just thinking like you're making fun of little people and people that are hearing impaired. No. I don't use those terms, by the way. I was saying as a deaf joke, I was trying to use the same slang like you were using with Steph Curry for three. Like Def Jam. Okay. All right. Now I'm not offended. Save it. Oh, my God. Save it. Just cut to a clip of Martin Lawrence and Def Jam and we're back. Yeah. Did you. But you never. Do you prepare a speech for that kind of stuff? Yeah, you do. But I knew I wasn't going to win, so I wasn't sweating too much. I used to fantasize. I guess I still do. I don't know if fantasize is right. Like think about, like plan different ways I would want to accept and win awards. Especially, so one of the awards I won was for the show I did on Amazon Prime. It's actually the thing I'm probably most proud of. It was called As We See It. And it was about three autistic adults living together. And they call it a dramedy because it's a half hour, but it was a drama and a serious thing. And I thought if I was going to give an acceptance speech or something, how fun it would be to like do big fall. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just wondering how to sit. Oh, you know what? I actually have. Did you have to give a speech? Did you have to give it like when you won the award? But it was for the show. So there was three of the members of the cast and Jason Kadams. So it was like a group of us. It was. So I felt like I can't make a goof because it would be at somebody. Like I have an analogy I'd like to tell you. Something I learned as an adult. I remember I did. It's kind of a longer story, but I'll make it short. I was dating a. Who's now a good friend of mine. And she. I was meeting her friends for the first time. This was years ago. And I did a joke where I met one of her friends. Nice to meet you. We shook hands. And then I went. But I did it after we shook hands. So like I'm doing it wrong. I'm not being. The joke being that it was after you shook hands. Yes. Now, I don't know if he thought it was funny or not, but I didn't think any. It's fine. Even if you know I'm joking, I'm joking. If you don't know I'm joking, it doesn't matter. I didn't say anything bad. And later she had told me that she didn't know like, hey, I was. She was a little bit worried of me making jokes. Her friends just met me. They didn't know if I was joking or. I get it now. But like at the time, I'm like, oh, I'm just joking. And what I realized is, oh, that's okay. I could make jokes if it's my group of friends because I'm gambling with my money. But if it's like somebody else, if you're inviting me into your home and I'm being silly, you're responsible for me because you invited me there. Right. There's something. There's an extra. There's an extra level of concern you want to make. Yeah, I get it. That's where. Drain your battery, dude. Just, you know, just be this thing. So I have this expression of. That I think of like. Because I like making choices and being silly, but don't gamble with other people's money. So like when I'm going up there with other people, I don't want to do a bit because it's their moment too. But. I respect that. It's always very. I think that's a nerve wracking thing. Unless you know it's going to work, I always feel like it's better to just say thank you. And I get. I would get scared. Yeah. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I have pillows that sometimes people want for your lower back. Are you comfortable? I literally have. Yeah. Like I use for back pillows. Okay. Two. You can use either or both. See how it goes. Yeah. This is a nice comfy couch. Sink into it. Yeah. It's nice to sleep in. Yeah. I can. Which I have to do sometimes when the old ball and chain. Right. That's enough? Yeah. This is. This is. This would be nice for my muff. For my hands. It is. Isn't it weird that it's called a muff? That muff and midge both sound like a pussy. Yeah. Well, one kind of is. Which one? Muff. Well, it's not really. It's just what's around it. Wait, what is the muff? Back in the 70s. That's actually would be a good story arch, E. Would it be weird if you're talking to me and I just keep doing this? I mean, do you think your cock could fit in that? I don't know. You tell me. How old were you when you learned that you had a baby? I have a big penis because I have a big penis. Everyone knows it. And I. My dad has a big penis and I know it at least. And I'd seen my dad's penis because when he showers and he gets out of the shower, I would be in my parents' room. He just walks out with his big cock hanging on the floor. I'm like, oh, that's a penis. This is what penises look like. Right. It wasn't until I went to college because even when I went to summer camp, I showered in a bathing suit. I was just embarrassed to be naked around people. Sure. And I saw kids in college with little penises or as I regular. As it turns out, regular size penises. Right. But I'm like, oh, that's. Yeah. I have a big penis compared to all these losers. I realized, yes, young, I did notice that. But I didn't think it was like. I was more embarrassed because I thought like, why can't I have a normal size? Because I don't think. I was too young to really understand. How old were you when you realized that I. Yeah, like who's penis is. Had a big old dong. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't like. I mean, I wasn't. It wasn't. I wasn't really young because it, you know, like probably junior high, maybe. Do girls, when you were with other. Like, did they comment on it? And did you believe them? Or do you think they're just saying a line? They don't say. I mean, I don't know what we're talking about. Okay, whatever. I'll tell you what was weird. What I really felt bad about. I wasn't even thinking about that. But I remember I was like you, very self-conscious about getting in gym class. But there was one kid. This was early, I think the seventh grade. Maybe when you first are getting showered for gym and all that. And there was one kid in my class. We could believe his name. Well, his name was Babak. He was from Iran. It kind of sounds like what it's the noise it makes when your dick hits the wall. Babak. It also sounds like what Arnold Schwarzenegger says when he's playing Porky Pig. We'll be ba-ba-ba-ba-back. I'll be. I'll be. Of course. yeah oh yeah jesus christ yeah and i was thinking of porky pig i mean oh my god i feel so dope i feel weird um no but but the thing about babak is that he had a massive bush like a huge of a bush he had a serious bush uh-huh yeah yeah but babak was his head of a bush i have more we don't need to get into it anymore let's do oh you want to talk about more well how far past his bush was okay no baba bush baba bush you what oh did you can you hear that can you hear that can you hear that you can't hear that right yeah i just wonder if it's in the mix we can also whatever they're here yeah i know they're here it just distracts me sometimes but thank you for your patience for the audio only you should you you should i don't know honestly there is something very therapeutic about cleaning do you like to clean yeah i i do i just don't i don't like to clean my shower right i clean my toilets do you wash your car i love going to a car wash and i actually haven't in a little bit i need to that is honestly that is the thing that like because i do i am a little bit of a neat freak but the car wash i'd say i hate it if my car is dirty and i love i'm with you i love going to the car so you don't wash your own car no i do i absolutely do you wash it you go through a car wash i'll do it anyway i'll go to this place where you pull in you have the hose but if you can get the one where you put it in neutral and it takes you through and the things go on i was like a that was the most exciting thing as a kid going to the grocery store with my mom and going to a car wash i still love going to a car wash uh i love when it's it feels like a roller coaster without the adrenaline it feels like you're going it feels like a ride yeah well it's like they're sections you know you get the soapies and then the thing that i'm not going to the car wash i'm going to the car wash i'm going to that's always exciting when it goes on the windshield the big strips of cloth and then when you get and then if you get the uh whatever his name is babak do you always um there's when you go to the car washes there's like three options and i never know the difference there's like the ultra there's a super ultra and then there's the you know the mega ultra mega ultra i get the mega ultra because money's not an issue yeah exactly it's yeah yeah no no um it's not i'll be like yeah i want the i want top of the line i want everything i want to armor all tires i want uh a really slick shiny uh dash i want uh there you go i want that i want um i want it all i want a hot wax on my babush do you what do you like about the grocery store so much i was just when i was a little kid i used to love it was a real you know when you're little there's not many places you can go there seem like a real adventure and going to the grocery store was always exciting because i could i'd immediately go right to the cereal cereal aisle and see what they got going on there when you were a kid um did cereals come in sacks or something yeah well it was just oats that was all we that was that was all there was what was the cereal like did you have cinnamon toast brand we had bran cw post there was no cinnamon toast crunch yet no there was of course what do you think i'm 80 no i don't know no there was cinnamon what was this this is the 80s yeah yeah there's cinnamon toast crunch um but there was also like there were there were like wonder year o's was there ever was there any collaborations or did they not do that back of the wonder years or any and o's yeah we had wonder year o's yeah there were also the weird ones that were like like king vitamin which was like a cereal that you knew existed in the 50s or something that um but then there were some fun ones like crisp that would just show up that sounds like how i used to say crisp when i had my speech oh i'm sorry i had a problem saying my r's you did yeah and my brother would make fun of me sometimes he'd say oh you can go to your womb you can go to your womb did you uh did you ever enjoy a bowl of uh frosted flakes okay yes yeah why what about how old are you 29 you're 29 yeah and i just don't know the difference between what cereals different people have when did you you used to say all of your r's were w's chewie o's like do you add a bowl of chewie o's yeah i learned that l's and r's are roughly the same thing i learned that l's and r's are roughly the same thing l is the the tip of the tongue goes to the teeth and then r is you roll the tip of the tongue make an l go like that and and and keep making that noise and then move your tongue to the roof of your mouth so i would i would when i would say my r's i would go go girl that's a very common thing you see little kids and they say you know i'm gonna go to the stove yeah do you see a lot of little kids that say that kind of stuff i like to hang with a lot of little kids cool yeah that's that role they're ours when do you feel like you would be able to um come up like if you won an award that you didn't know like sometimes they surprise like a lifetime achievement or something and you would have just on the spot come up with a come up with a speech do you feel like you would shine in that moment or would that be nerve-wracking and can we like it depends on where where and uh i think it'd probably be it'd be a little nerve-wracking but i think i could probably do it but i don't think i'd have to worry about it because i'm not anticipating a lifetime achievement award okay well maybe if you did a nude scene you know what your nickname might become is anaconda okay which by the way congratulations on uh it's out thank you very much i haven't seen nice transition yeah i haven't seen it yet but uh i i will and i want to are you happy with it yeah i i mean i i have no perspective on these things but i do know that it was a blast and you know uh i loved working with the rest of the cast and it was it was fun and it was a fun reimagining too not quite a remake it was really more of a reimagining which was kind of a fun way to tackle that yeah i still feel like silly that i came to the junket thinking that they were just re like relaunching anaconda but i did watch it again and i think it's a really good movie and i the original one with john voight who who has like a bit of a spanish voice right yeah yeah what'd you think about this like i thought it was sometimes i i thought that like it was a good accent but also i'm like come on man yeah you know it's not like gary olman pretending to be black um yeah i think you're getting i think you're getting i think you're you're confusing tiptoes with soul man no no that's funny no i was talking about like jack black's character right but yeah um saved it but uh yeah john voight who it's every time i see him now since i found out and i didn't i found this out like probably a decade ago um when i was in college that john voight is angelina jolie's dad yeah and like i look at john voight as i think of him as more attractive now because he's angelina jolie's dad yeah okay when you did the movie did you have to watch the original anaconda just like kind of like when you did ant-man you probably didn't watched some marvel movies before it uh i didn't have to but i mean i i did what do you like about the original anaconda well i mean i think that you know the movie is ridiculous but it was a kind of i thought it would be fun i thought it was funny that this is the movie that we loved but that if we told it again to tell it in this new way that it's not really a remake it's really and we talk about it being a reimagining but it's like a reimagining of what that uh movie is but it's very meta level it's like you know it's it's it's very very clever that was what i thought when i read the script what is the difference between a remake and a reimagining to you well i mean it's a big difference night and day if you're remaking a movie you're just kind of redoing the movie but this is not redoing anaconda it's actually a reimagining it's like we're thinking of what's our own story but using the original anaconda as uh kind of the backdrop um could you give me an example of movies uh give me an example of movies that you've seen in your life an example of a movie that came out that was a remake and then a movie that's a reimagining i guess uh batman was a remake right the michael keaton to the christian bale yeah and then what would be a reimagining i don't know i mean anaconda what we did that's a reimagining not a straight up remake although you know one of the things that that i think is true about uh and the original anaconda is that in the movie the with jack and steve and tandaway newton like the we were all friends we're playing we're friends when we're kids and we uh you're talking about the original or yours ours we're originally we're friends and then we were you know we remain friends as adults the original anaconda they didn't know each other they're out on this you know this boat together the meeting they go through this extreme kind of scenario yeah trauma and then they become they become friends and then they become friends and then they become friends and it's kind of like you and me maybe oh oh fuck paul fuck paul what you put the shit right in my face it's fucking gross what what i do what i do oh are you okay yeah oh my god yeah well it's one of the things that yeah maybe but i mean i i you know i know we've talked about like the last time we met it's very hard to make friends You know, when you're an adult male, you know, you're not surrounded by your buddies. You're not, you're not, you don't find yourself in scenarios or situations where you're meeting people and making friends quite as often as when you were younger. So it's hard. It's hard to make friends when you're, you know, I might be getting off track, but that's, that's one thing I remember from the original Anaconda. That's a good looking trophy. It looks like a hood ornament almost. Yeah, it does. Right. Paul was actually nominated for two Emmys. And only murders in the building. And what else? Best narrator for something with an octopus. Oh God, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. For Secrets of the Octopus. I've heard, I heard that was great. I haven't seen it. It is great. It's one of those National Geographic kind of documentaries that just, you know, they're incredible animals, octopuses. Octopuses, not octopi. Well, octopi is also works. Isn't it if there's, if there's more, but if it's, that's if the multiple, but if you're talking about the group itself, isn't it called a muff? Yeah. An Octomuff. An Octomuff. Yeah. An Octomuff is an Octomuff is, is like eight times the size of a regular muff. Or one Babadook, a Babadook, the Babadook. That was Australian horror film about this creature that shows up with it. Just a giant eight sized muff. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I haven't seen that either. The Babadook? Yeah. What was your friend's name in high school? You know, by the way, I don't know if you know this, but do you know on, um, Howard Stern, uh, Gary Delabate, uh, if he occasionally, he will, uh, take an eight times size normal shit. And that's called the Babadookie. I did not know that. Yeah. Babadookie. I'm not, I'm not getting the pun. Uh, what's the pun? What's the joke? The joke is that it's, uh, Bob. No, he's always talking about Bababooey. Bababooey, Babadookie. Babadookie. But, but by the way, I laughed as I was saying, it was a crappy, stupid, sure. Pun intended? Yes, it was. Thank you. You know what I noticed? When, when I make a pun, you point to me to say that you acknowledge it. I think when you like it, you double point. Really? It's like a tell. I didn't realize I do that. Does David Tell do that? No, not David Tell, like a poker tell. Okay. All right. Like opening the Oreos? Yeah, yeah, exactly right. I almost want to, uh, David Tell, I almost want to bump your mic. Okay. Yeah. Okay. We'll do it. You get it. It's like a re-imagining of bumping mics. I get it. I do get that now. Yeah. Did you, um, so did you write a speech for the Octopus one? I wrote a speech, but I never, I mean, I, no, that one I didn't, uh, but I did write a speech for, um. The Def Jam one. The Def Jam one. Yeah. I wrote a speech for that one, but I never practiced. I never do it. I didn't, I knew I wasn't going to, it wasn't, I wasn't going to win. You won that one. Do you know? I don't know. Cool. You're the man. It's not, it's not that, that, that it's, I'm trying to be the man or is it? I think it's that, uh, I, I forget everything. Paul Rudd doesn't know that he's nominated. Doesn't remember any of those things. Cleans his own toilets. It doesn't sound real. It sounds like I'm trying to be cool. When you put it like this, it sounds like, why wouldn't I remember that I, who won the Emmy? I don't. But I really don't. What is the, um, I want to see. Like, have you do an acceptance speech? What would be something that you have done that you do feel that if you were going to be genuine, that you could give the best like thing, like, you know, who you're thinking or what it meant to you, what it meant to your career, like what project did you work on anything that you feel like is the best chance of them going back and giving you an award for it? Oh God. I don't know. I, I can't, I don't think that anything I've done. Really warrants that in all honesty, my grandma is a huge fan of Rich Eisen and she just told me that she just watched you on your grandma's a fan of rich massive. She's been on it before. Really? Yeah. And she calls in my, it was just my grandma's 95th birthday and, uh, rich Eisen did a three minute segment on my grandma. Uh, so, um, for those of you who might be new to this show, we've been around for close to 11 years around and we've met a ton of people. Yeah. Yeah. We've met a ton of people. We want to give a birthday shout out to, we found out about one of the biggest sports fans of all time, certainly in the Cleveland area existed on the planet. And we needed to know about this person and it is the grandmother of the comedian and actor Rick Glassman, the great grandma, Gloria Glassman, who did make an appearance in a sequin Brown's chemise. please it's she loves him that loves him crazy well he's great and she uh and she just uh told me that she saw you and he was talking about uh the anchor man and that kind of stuff oh yeah so could we just could you do a speech for anchor man we do a speech like if i was accepting an award for anchor man i don't i don't uh kick fast oh god no oh shit what are you doing i'm so fucking sorry oh my god i think you broke my nose dude i am so fucking sorry i am so sorry it was slippery you're buffed and it was i think you broke my nose paul it doesn't look good i'm so fucking sorry it slipped out of my hand i am so fucking sorry paul oh you're killing me on this thing what can i dude i just had to do something dude i am i'm so fucking sorry it slipped out of my hand it was buffed and it's slippery i'm not gonna try and throw it at you you're throwing me oh god damn it me eyes hurt something dude it slipped out of my hand oh god oh my god oh my god ah dude i am so sorry oh dude fuck this man god damn it let me hit you what are you doing what are you stop that's fine hey you know what that's it that's fine that's okay that's okay why don't we just finish it another time you thank you you guys could you guys could go i'm sorry i'm sorry it's okay yeah i'm sorry man good i'm sorry man i'm sorry man i'm sorry man i'm sorry man oh jeez what were you trying to do what were you trying because of the basketball i was i said think fast i was joking and because they buffed it or whatever it was buffed you threw it at me it's nothing to do with it being buffed dude i got a headache who's here now i have um i have like you know good shoulder you get like the shoulder thing i did i don't feel right oh god one of these why did you do that it looks really bad yeah no shit oh great what are these - Please. - For cassette. Paul, don't take more than one now. Paul, buddy. - Does it look bad? - It slipped, it slipped. - It didn't slip, you threw it at me. - I was thinking if I was shocking, it would be like a surprise you won the award. - What? - I wasn't planning on throwing it. - Oh God. - Paul, it doesn't look good, man. - Really? - Yeah. - I swear to God, it's like, I can't believe this happened again. - Excuse me. - No, I'm out of here, man. This, that's. - What am I thinking? Come on. - Dude, I feel lightheaded. I feel like, I feel weird. I feel. I don't know. I think I just need to rest for a second. - Is it a good idea to rest after a head injury? - I just need to rest for a second. - Are you having no service? I don't know. I think maybe just try to go to sleep for a little and I'll, I'm gonna clean this up. - Oh my God. I feel, I think I throw up. - Do you really? - Yeah. - You have to throw up? Just go to the bathroom. Here, come here. - I can't get up, dude. Let's go rest for a second. See you later. Just rest for a second. I just, I'm gonna clean this up. clean this up oh yeah i think i might throw up if you have to throw up i don't have to throw up please go into the bathroom no i don't know i don't think just relax it's the same thing oh oh no no no no no no no no no oh my hair hurts my hair's just gonna isolate oh stink i smell it i smell it oh god why did you do that why did you do that ow what time is it it's almost seven whoa how how long was i asleep i don't know how long you were asleep but i changed you maybe an hour ago so maybe about an hour you already took those i thought i threw up all right i threw him up no paul i gave you paul paul paul paul wait paul i gave you another one paul i gave you another one after you throw up you had two more oh sorry man it's actually kind of hilarious if you think about it what are you talking about um if you won an award anaconda hmm my head really does hurt though come on my head really does hurt though my head really does hurt though where are you where are the clean ladies they forgot this um um they actually got this they actually got this they actually got this because they they bought this so i guess because they they bought this so i guess because they they bought this so i guess i bought it but they picked it up i bought it but they picked it up i bought it but they picked it up because because because i've cleanly feels pretty good it does feels pretty good it does feels pretty good it does I have a clean lady. What? I have a clean lady. You do? She lives in my house. Pierre, bring this closer to you. I have a clean lady. Do you really? Yeah. Why did you say you didn't? Because I was lying. Because I don't want to look like a real, like, I don't want to look like a. Dude, my nose. It all hurts. Yeah. Dude, I am so sorry. It's Kristen Bell. What is that? I bought that picture on eBay. And it wasn't, it looked. It looked like, I'm like, and it was signed. And I had Kristen and I asked her if it was a real signature. And she said, no. Obviously, I'm not going to call it the eBay person, but that's, you know, pre-AI fraud. And so she signed it. And it's like, yeah. You guys met on Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Have you guys worked on anything else? Oh, Veronica Mars, you said. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She did a party down. And you were in that? I was one of the writers. Career. Did it. Really? Yeah. I'm friends with Ryan Hansen. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He peed his pants on this episode a little bit by accident. He went pee. That's nothing. It's nothing compared to me. That's nothing compared to me. I'm just feeling a little hesitant because of what happened last time and posting this. And I feel like we could post the first half of this. Let's get back to the interview. What do you want? What were you talking about? If you were to win an award for Anchorman? No. I was nominated for an Emmy. Two Emmys. But I lost. Don't throw it at me. I lost. Did you hurt your foot? I lost one of them. I was to Rami Youssef. Rami useless. And then I lost another one. I was posted. I did an octopus show and I was lost to Angela Bassett. Ugh. Whatever. I guess because I'm white. Do you really think that's maybe what it was? Yes. When did the octopus thing come out? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Whatever. Do you think that's maybe what it was? The what? The octopus. The octopus? Yeah. The thing that Angela Bassett won. What year was that? When was what? McCone, will you look up what year? 2024. 2024 was when Angela Bassett won. Won what? Dude, why don't we just call it? No, I'm okay. I might have to pee though. Yeah. Go ahead. I got to fill this up. Also, yeah. I'm going to fill this up. Look at hell, man. I'm going to go. Okay, I feel like I feel like we can oh my god. Oh Why am I in yeah, sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. I'm so dizzy You You Oh Hey Graham Good I was recording that podcast. I told you with Paul Rudd. You remember from you someone Rich Eisen and He Yeah, we're it's just going a little weird. I just want to call you back but He's in the bathroom at the moment and I accidentally hit him in the head with a trophy you what I hit him in the head with a trophy and yeah what a trophy what are you talking about the HCA award for as we see it the spotlight award the Amazon series that I did so where is he he's in the bathroom doing what I don't know I'm pooping or peeing or looking in the mirror He took, I had old pain pills. He took them and then he threw up. And then he thought he should take more pain pills because he just threw them up. And he's a little weird right now. I think you're nuts. I think you're kidding me. Ricky? Yeah, I'm not kidding. I think he, yeah, I think he's actually doing okay. He's in the bathroom. I think, I think he's coming. Okay. Paul, are you coming? I did. Grandma, you want to talk to him? Sure, does he want to talk to me? I think, Paul, are you coming? I did. I'm on the phone with my grandma. Here, hold on. Hold on, Grandma. Let me, let me put it on the pod. Here, John Michael, Paul went to the bathroom. We could just bars and tone when he comes back in. We could take all this out and just have it be when he's, when he's, here, Paul, come on in. When he is seated. Hold on, Grandma, hold on one sec. Grandma, could you hear me? Yes. Okay. Oh, my head hurts. Here, here, Paul, put the headphones on for a second. They're on the floor. Oh. This is my grandma who I told you just saw you on Rich Eisen. Hold on one sec. Grandma, say hi, Paul. Could you hear her? What? Hi, Paul. Who's this? My grandma. Oh. Grandma, could you, could you hear him? What? Paul, say something. Hi. Could you hear him? Yes. Hi. Hi. So, you know, Rich Eisen. Rich Eisen. Hello. Hi. Hi, Paul. How are you? My head hurts a little bit, but I'm good. You know, Rich Eisen. Yes. How about your Kansas City Chiefs? I know. I love them. I love them. What? I'm a big, I love the Chiefs. I love Rich Eisen. Do you think Kelsey's going to retire after this year? Who? Who? Kelsey. Oh. Yeah. I, I, I don't, yeah, maybe. He's, uh, goes out with Taylor Swift. So, I saw you on Rich Eisen the other night, yesterday. You did? I love Rich Eisen. I think he's the very best there is. Oh, me too. Uh, me too. He's phenomenal. He's a wonderful man. He's been wonderful to me. I can't say enough about him. Yeah. And I watch you when you're on his show. I love you when you're on his show. Oh, thank you. Thank you for. And I love, I love the name of your fantasy teams. Yeah. And besides that, you're very good looking. Oh, well, thank you very much. He's looking a little rough right now, Graham. I'll be honest with you. Yeah. Are you funny? Well, I, I really enjoy it. Thank you for talking to me. Grandma, anything you want to plug before we let you go? What? Anything you want to plug? I didn't hear you, Rick. Is there anything you want to plug? Anything I want to what? Plug? No. No. Grandma, I'm hanging up. Yeah, that's Ricky. Yeah, it's all good. I love you all. I love you. Grandma? Grandma? Grandma? I think she took it away from you. Hello? I couldn't get it. All right. Well, I'll call you later. I, um, I'm trying to figure out if I'm taking Paula to the hospital or not. Hello? I couldn't get it. All right. I'm trying to figure out if I'm taking Paula to the hospital or if we're going to talk about Anaconda. Tell him I like him very much. I love him and all that. Good luck to him. Have a happy and healthy New Year, Paul. Thank you. You too. It was really nice talking with you. All right, Graham. Nice talking to you. Bye-bye, honey. Bye-bye. Bye. Who's that? My grandma. My grandma. So, Anaconda came out recently. What kind of feedback have you been getting from it? Good. I think, you know, yeah. I'm going to make sure this is in focus. Sorry. Hey, Paul, look at the camera again. This one? Okay. All right. So, I'm in a weird spot at the moment because I'm feeling like you don't want me to post stuff from last time. But this, I feel like this isn't. It's okay. It's okay. We're going to keep going? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Keep going. No, it's okay. The thing is that I'm. No, I think it's fine. I like the. We're just talking and, you know, keep the other one too. It's fine. It's good. What? Keep the other one too. It's good. I don't care. I feel good. I actually feel pretty good now. Did you work good? Oh, pay bills kick in? Yeah. Good. Did you work with Jack Black before this? Before Anaconda? Yeah. Year one? Yeah. And what else? Is there anything else? Walk hard. We played Lennon and McCartney. And he was in Anchorman, but I didn't see him. Oh, right. He had the dog. Yeah. Baxter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Anchorman, because I was in the Rich Eisen. I wanted you to do an acceptance speech thing. Do you still want to try it? Like, if you were to win an award for Anchorman, do you know. Like, last second, do you know how you would handle that? Would you be sincere? Would you do a joke? Who would you thank? For what? If you won an award for Anchorman. I didn't win an award for Anchorman. I should have won an award for The Octopus Show, but I didn't, because it was Angela Bassett. Yeah, I thought you forgot about that. No. You don't forget. You don't forget a thing like that. And Rami Youssef. And the other Emmy, I was also nominated for Only Mirrors in the Building, and I lost that one to Evan Blas Blapsanak from The Bear. I don't know who you're talking about. He's the guy that plays the cousin. Eben. Who's he talking about? Eben Blas Blakarak. The guy from The Bear. Do you know his name? Is it close to that? It's his name. Blas Blakarak. Eben Blas Blakarak. It sounds like the guy who. Eben Blas Blakarak. I know who you're talking about. Yeah. He won it. Whatever. Why did you pretend that you didn't know? I mean, I'm almost like a dick. Say it again. I don't want to look like a dick. A dick. Got it? Like a fucking. Woo! It's getting my asshole. Oh. Give that picture of Kristen Bell. My fucking nose kills, dude. My nose. Sorry. What else? Well, I wanted to talk. We didn't really talk about Anaconda. It's like a reimagining. It's not a remake. It's a reimagining. It's about these guys. It's hard. It's hard, you know, to make friends when you're. an older guy right and it's about these friends as a reimagining but um anaconda do you and jack make the same amount of money for that movie uh i don't i don't know i don't know i made a lot like a ton cool yeah how much that's why do you have a rate yeah what's your rate 50 million dollars no it's not five five dollars come on man i don't know it depends it depends you know this business is changing and it's like it's all streaming now and it goes to the movie theaters and it's it's all fucked it's just fucked it's all fucked streaming that's yeah streaming never look i'm driving a car what's it going pretty fast oh that was on my balls my balls hurt my balls hurt my nose hurts jaylen hurts does your grandma like jaylen hurt oh dude i feel weird man i do too i don't know what i'm supposed to do i mean i'm gonna ask you about anaconda yeah it's like a reimagined it's a reimagining it's not a remake will you can i ask you some some questions about it that i'm curious about that are maybe tacky but water yeah you still have this big fries no oh fuck no ow oh my god i'm sorry i'm sorry oh yeah sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry oh my god oh my god oh my god will you tell me the truth how much you got paid for that movie or is that something you feel like you is it not like you if it's out there that's bad bad for business or i don't know i honestly i don't know how much i gotta be i didn't get paid that much that can't be true no it's not i gotta pay a lot of money do you remember what it was like before like the first time you were in the movie you were like oh my god i'm gonna pay a lot of money you got a million dollars for a job what was your first job that you got paid a million dollars for or more not happened late it happened late post anchorman yeah oh yeah yeah but because of its success in the points do you make that you know what do you get a mil do you think you've net a million dollars from that movie from anchorman yeah no dvd sales and all that what movie was it ghostbusters do you want the back pillow again is there a back pillow yeah way forward oh yeah it's going forward okay oh yeah give me a second yeah okay , okay, okay, okay, can you lean back what movie anaconda is uh it's like um we play friends and then they uh want to remake it again like ruby skew yeah you did it i like the way it feels when you do that kind of stuff you're oh wow you're really uh hey did you so so i have um i make these cards trading cards yeah a previous guest on my podcast so i have um i make these cards trading cards yeah a previous guest on my podcast here's some of them buddy of mine scott heparin he's an amazing marvel illustrator maybe he's done stuff for stuff you've been in um but he makes people into that and i was wondering if i could make you into a card and if so is there any superhero that you would want to be other than ant-man or any character um um no okay i'll be uh if you could be any superhero like when you were coming on up you probably didn't think it would be ant-man right no who would you be like man i would love to like if there was a reimagining of of something what would it be um you could put those up wherever i think probably maybe uh like uh tron morbius who um the the guy from the singer with the five in it what is it maroon not maroon five what was his name what's who am i thinking of i don't know adam levy jared leto who's that he was a singer and he played uh cheese tron oh no i mean the game the video game yeah that they made that in a movie with uh i'm forgetting everyone's names but the guy from um big lebowski jeff daniels jeff bridges jeff daniels is dumb and dumber or us yeah i'll be jeff daniels okay yeah i like jeff daniels uh pardon me for harping i really want to know what was the first movie you made a million dollars on i don't know what do you think star wars i don't remember were you in that no no no i thought you meant what's the first movie that made a million dollars you think star wars was the first movie that made a million dollars did movies not make a million dollars in the 70s star wars in the 70s i know what i'm saying was that the first movie to make a million dollars there's no way yeah all right who would you be in your um well i picked wolverine because i used to be really insecure about my body hair uh i was dating a girl and i started getting body hair in college and i remember i was at her dorm it was at uh and the guys and the girls were on the same floor and i was walking from the bathroom of the guy's side to the girl's side and i wasn't wearing a shirt after my shower and she said get in here you you're in so much body hair and i was like oh should i be embarrassed about this and for years i was embarrassed about it and then i saw hugh jackman as wolverine in wolverine and i'm like he has body hair he looks great and i was like i'm not gonna be i'm okay i'm like so wolverine kind of gave me confidence or hugh jackman i guess gave me confidence have you ever worked with him no what do you think the first movie he did that made a million dollars was star wars okay probably when he did the peter allen one man show on broadway yeah I am interested in the idea of like you not wanting to admit that you knew who you lost to, or even that you were nominated for an Emmy. You saying that you don't have cleaning and you do have cleaning ladies. Yes, of course I do. Absolutely. Live in. Right. So how does that work? Tell her to clean. She cleans. You just tell her to clean or she does it? She just does it. I mean, I'm not going to do it. So you don't clean. Do you clean your own car? No. You do like car washes. I do like car washes. Even as little, I like to be in the car wash. But no, I don't. I will. All right. I feel like maybe we call this. Who are we calling? Your grandma? We just did. I know. We can call my parents. They're a huge fan of yours. Does it look bad? Does it look bad? Yes. And the way you're behaving is now making me feel like I don't know how to manage this because at one hand, I want to, like I'm having a conversation, but it's also a host. I know. I feel bad because. I feel like it's so crazy that we're back here and I feel like I'm being passive aggressive because I'm a little upset because all this happened. But I want to obviously honor my commitments and a bit of a push-pull thing with like trying to be a good person and guest and then just. being me you know but I it was me on the first one so it would be me on the second one so I didn't win I was nominated for two and it was Angela Angela Bassett won you told me yeah and look she's great she's great you know Tina Turner and then Evan Mosnachrek and then and that's he's great too what are you saying what are you telling me that who won the Emmy I know you told me yeah so and they're great they're great but well I got good news for you I just found out that you won an HCA award for Anchorman what this is you I was just saying like improvise like what would your speech be like oh if I still wanted to see that from the beginning oh like if I actually did win the Emmy yeah I was just saying like improvising if you were to have won an Emmy I would like from earlier I want to hear what your acceptance my acceptance my speech I still remember it wow I was not expecting this what an honor and I want to thank it's just an honor to be nominated with the other amazing people in this category Angela Bassett Rami Nusif Eben Moss not gonna read not gonna read no back around just to be in your company is an honor I want to thank my agents at UTA Blair and I wanna thank Link Shishin, Link Shishin, and, um, um, um, oh, ugh, you know, I'm we're all artists, and it's, there's no such thing as competition, when you're creating art, we're all, just creating, and how can there be winners when it comes to art, I wanna thank my beautiful wife, Julie, and our lovely kids, none of this would mean anything without you guys, and you have been there for the whole ride, ow, my nose is hurting, does it look bad? yeah, Paul, my nose really hurts, dude, yeah, you pooped your, in your pants, so, I'm worried about it getting on my couch, I have a blanket, could you stand up, I did, on the, on, right now, you have poop in your pants again, like, what, you have poop in your pants, Paul, will you just stand up, please, Paul, will you just stand up for a second, please, yes, I do, I'm sorry, no, no, no, please don't touch anything, please don't touch anything, please Christ, man. I didn't. Okay. My nose ruined. Okay. Alright. Paul, I'm going to take your pants off. I feel like we've done this before. I'm just going to take your pants off. And I'll give you shorts or something, but I'm so afraid of getting on anything. I feel those pills, dude. Yeah. I just don't want this to get on my stuff. Oh, okay. Oh, sorry. Congratulations. It's a boy. What is? Oh, wait, wait, wait. Please, please, Paul. Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Please don't. Please don't. Please, please, please, please, please. Paul, please. Just stand up. Just stand. Paul, buddy. This is a fucking weird position, man. And I think. Okay. Alright. I don't know what to fucking do. Here. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Um. Leg up. Okay. Oh. Paul, no. My nose. Yeah, your nose is bleeding. Yeah, you want to look in the mirror. I have this for you, too. Your nose. It looks pretty bad, man. Okay. Ah. Ah. Ah. Paul. Paul. Paul. Um. Uh. Dude, I don't know. I don't know. Um. Is it bad? Is it bad? I don't know what to do. Um. Like, for real. Like, I'm fucking, like, um. He looks really bad, and he's bleeding bad, and. He hit his head so fucking hard. Uh, I mean, I gotta take it. We gotta take him somewhere. I have to take him somewhere. Um. Um. Fuck. Fuck. Oh. Oh. Shit. Dude, I'm so sorry. This is fucking crazy. Oh. Hey, buddy. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay, bud. Everything's okay, Paul. I'm going to drop you off and get you fixed up. I know. That's a good boy. It hurts. I know. I know. It's not his time. It's okay, bud. I have pills. You took enough pills. Oh, okay. You got a bit of traffic. I'm going to get off at the next exit, okay? They're gone. I was going to take you to an emergency room that I know of, but there's so much traffic, I feel like there's got to be something. It's dark. I know. It went a little bit longer than I thought. I am genuinely excited to see Anaconda, though. Reimagining. Paul, we're getting off here. I'm going to find something, okay? Okay. All right. I'm hot. Are you hot? Is that better? That's nice, right? Look at that. Yeah? Get a little air? You know what? You want to go through a car wash? Look at this, Paul. He's got a surprise for you. I'm going to do the ultimate, Paul. Hey, Paul. Look where we are. Huh? Neutral, right? Or park? I don't remember. It's not letting me go in neutral. Okay. Alvin, I think this is Alvin's first car wash. Hey, bud. Look at Alvin. What's happening? Yeah, it's okay. Good boy. He's so brave. Paul, look. No, no, no, no, no. You okay? Paul, look up. I'm going to put the A.C. on. Is that okay, Paul? Paul, do you smell that? There's like something coming in. A scent from outside or something. That's the only way I like to be in the car wash. Good boy, Alvin. That was the most exciting thing as a kid. Going to the grocery store with my mom and going to a car wash. You like it? Paul? Do you like it? Yes. Did he say yes? He said yes? - Yes. - It's our first car wash, bud. - All right, Paul, I don't know where I'm supposed to take you now. I thought there would be something around here. - You know what, actually, I have an idea. - Whoa! - All right, we're just gonna put it over here. It's a sag. - Jesus Christ, this cock is fucking huge. - All right, let's go. Let's go. you