Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 6 and today we are talking about parenting and co-parenting. So, this episode is for you if you want to be more consistent with your parenting. You are prepared to take a really honest look at how you parent, warts and all. You want practical ways to co-parent without the battles. So, here's a typical scenario. Your child is refusing to go to bed. Maybe they have been in and out of their bedroom for what feels like a thousand times. They say they're thirsty, hungry, need to speak to you, they're worried about the light being off, they miss you. You get it, you know the scenario and we've all been there. I now want you to give an honest answer to this question. How do you typically deal with this situation? Do you? A. It depends how I'm feeling and my mood. Some days I get frustrated and shout telling them it's time for bed and stop messing around. Other days I give in and say they can come downstairs for a bit as it's just easier. Other times I stay with them until they fall asleep. B. I'm super consistent each and every time. My children know the bedtime routine and stick to it. C. My partner usually gets cross that I am not being firm enough and the children aren't listening whilst I'm desperately trying to keep everyone happy. My partner thinks I'm far too soft with the children and they're just after attention. D. I remember struggling to go to sleep at night as a child and all the worries I felt so I'm desperate to make sure my children know I am always there for them but I think this sometimes means they overly rely on me. Or E. I have split from my children's father or mother and I know how upset they get when they come back to me. So I think it's really important that they know I am there for them but I just can't seem to find a happy balance. The truth is unless you chose B we can all relate to each and every option except E of course if you're still with your partner. What these different responses highlight are the challenges we face each and every day and sometimes what feels like each and every minute of the day in terms of our parenting. I'm going to do things a little differently and address the issue of consistent parenting. And the challenges of co-parenting in the context of five parenting truths. So let's get started. Truth one. Children thrive on consistent parenting. Consistency is key when it comes to parenting whether that's around bedtimes, the consequences we give them for their behaviours or homework. Remember my analogy from the trailer. Our role as parents is to scaffold our children's house build and it starts with the first step. The foundations. The foundations that we help create and build with our children through consistent application of the rules, the values, the morals that are consistent within our family. These when they're laid down and then consistently applied allow our children's building to rise strong because it knows it's got a solid foundation underneath it. So as co-parenting, co-habiting partners we need to be consistent. We need to be consistent. We need to be consistent in our approach. So if we're living with our partner and we're parenting together our approach needs to be consistent. Now we don't always have to agree but we do have to agree to agree in front of the children and then challenge each other's responses privately. And I know that this is really can be so challenging and can be so tricky when we feel our partner has either overreacted or been insensitive to a particular response. But it is absolutely necessary to be consistent. It is absolutely imperative for our children for us to present a united and consistent front that we actually respond to our children in exactly the same way. Because if we undermine each other either by virtue of jumping in and undoing a response that a partner has has sort of reacted in a particular situation or by undermining what they've said we create inconsistency. And what you then get is a child who potentially ends up not knowing what the rules are and then using that specifically to their advantage. So asking one parent for something in particular because they know they're more likely to get a particular response for that. And I know how hard it is because obviously we all have different views when it comes to parenting. But it's really important and we're going to look very specifically at how can we make sure that we're on the same page consistently later on in this episode when I talk you through the that I'm going to have. But it's really important that we need to, even if we don't agree with a consequence that our partner gives in a particular situation, in that moment, we need to agree and be consistent with our with the response in front of our children. We can have a conversation privately later and say, I think you overreacted in that particular situation. And this particular consequence seems to be far out of proportion with what our child has done. And then if you agree that together, then you can go back to your child and say, on reflection, we've had to think about what we said was the consequence. And we feel that that might have been a little harsh. And what we feel instead is X or Y. That's so much better than one parent undermining the other in such a way that suggests that the parent doesn't know what they're doing or is not responding appropriately. And then you build these cracks in the foundation, which actually rock the foundation in which your child's house is being built, which actually undermines their own confidence and their resilience. So consistency is key. Having a consistent, approach with parents when we are living together is absolutely critical. The only exception to this is when you are co-parenting, when you have split from your partner and you do not have an amicable working relationship. Now, while this is not ideal, there is absolutely no merit in banging the drum of why can they not see what the issues are. Sorry, that might sound heartless. It's not meant to be. So this is about questioning why and why me. When we learn to accept, we are much better equipped to make these changes. This doesn't take anything away from the situation being awful and not right, but it shifts our thinking away from something which ultimately cannot be changed and leaves you feeling powerless to one of acceptance. And OK, so how can I minimize the disruption to my child? So this is about shifting our emphasis for why can my ex-partner not see that our child is simply having a different shift, which says just accept that that's where your ex-partner is right now. And actually, what can I do as an individual to minimize the disruption to my child? Because in these situations, we have to become skilled at saying to our children that at different homes, there are different routines and ways of doing things, much as we would have said about different homes being different and different routines when they're with their friends. So this is not trying to minimize the challenges that you might have when you are co-parenting, when you have split from your partner. It's just simply shifting your emphasis to one where you have the power to enact the changes in your home and accept and not become consumed by the lack of support or perceived support on your side or acceptance or understanding with your ex-partner. So truth one, children thrive on consistent parenting. Truth two, children's behavior tells us about how they are feeling. So your partner is right. They are attention seeking, but it's not the negative way which we often see communicated. Our children's behavior is a window to how they're feeling. We need to become better at responding to the emotion behind the behavior and remind ourselves that when our children know better, they can do better. If we help communicate our expectations and support our children's emotional development, they will then make choices and tell us what they need in more appropriate ways. So it's helping our children understand and communicate about their feelings. So for those of you who may not have listened to podcast episode one, when we talk specifically about helping our children manage their emotions, it's helping them find ways to communicate how they're feeling so that we can find better ways of responding in those moments and for them to start beginning to create their own emotions. Their emotional toolkit. And remember, when you are co-parenting apart, you can only control what you do. So you respond to the emotions behind your child's behavior and accept that your ex-partner may well respond in a different way. So we've done truth number one, children thrive on consistent parenting. Truth two, children's behavior always tells us about how they're feeling. Truth three, children self-regulate by observing us. Let's be super honest here. How often have you seen yourself in your child's response? This came up for me when I noticed my daughter putting her hand on her hip and pointing her finger. It was like, oh my word, that is exactly what I do. Sometimes the similarity is far more jarring. Our children will trigger us. It's true. If we are really, really honest with ourselves and give ourselves some genuine time to reflect, you'll find that you'll be able to find some aspects of your child's behavior which for some reason just sets you off on some rage, annoyance, irritation. And the truth is, it's usually a pattern of behaviour in your child, which is like holding up a mirror to your own behaviour. Something which you see in yourself and don't particularly like. So we need to be aware that that absolutely is likely to trigger us. And when we respond to our child in those particular situations, we don't always do it from a place of self-regulation. So if we are to model good self-regulation, then we have to find time to take care of ourselves. For those of you who know me well enough, you will know what I'm going to say. If we place ourselves at the bottom of our to-do list in some martyred way of thinking, unless I sacrifice every ounce of myself to my children, otherwise I won't be able to raise happy, confident children who get good jobs, then what we're actually doing is setting ourselves up to do that. The exact opposite. If children see a parent who races around after their every whim, never doing anything for themselves, getting frustrated and exhausting, they don't learn confidence and boundaries. They learn sacrifice and everyone else matters before them. This couldn't be more important than when we are in a co-parenting relationship, which is a part. Self-regulate your triggers with your ex-partner by taking care of yourself regularly. This can be a really challenging situation for those who are in those particular situations, because not only are you trying to make sure that you self-regulate your emotions around day-to-day parenting, day-to-day work challenges, but often our ex-partner will trigger aspects in us too, particularly around co-parenting. So this idea about self-care is so important, not just for those of us who are co-parenting in the same roof with our partner, but for those of us who are co-parenting. We need to be aware that our response to that, whether that's in front of our children or indirectly through the way that we are with our children afterwards, all impacts and self-regulation starts with us. When our children observe us self-regulating, they are much more likely to be able to self-regulate. So we need to be aware that our response to that, whether that's in front of us or indirectly through the way that we are with our children afterwards, all impacts and self-regulation starts with us. We need to be aware that our response to that, whether that's in front of our children afterwards, all impacts and self-regulation starts with us. things that you want to discuss and to talk about, but it's really an opportunity to get everybody together, whether that's at the end of Sunday lunch, whether that's after breakfast, whether that's after lunch, it's up to you when you do it. But you start by reflecting on the week which has been. What has worked, what hasn't. Maybe those sandwiches weren't great on the way to judo or the breadsticks were perfect just before cups. Then once you've reflected on what's happened the week before, then start looking at the week ahead. What might be the challenges that are coming up and how as a family might you be able to overcome these by problem solving together. Maybe you're going out and the children will have a babysitter. How will they feel? What might help them feeling better if they're feeling worried? Maybe you've got a lot of activities that are coming up that week and children are going to need to spend a lot of time in the car. So maybe talk about what might you bring with you to kind of amuse yourself in the car so it's not too boring. So all of these things, it's really an opportunity for you to connect together as a family. But what's really important is it's also an opportunity for you and your partner to regularly check in with how you're parenting. What showed up for us last week? Where did we find the differences in our parenting styles? Which child should we really be prioritising in terms of support? What have I noticed about you and me in terms of where our frictions are in terms of how we respond to a particular child? How might we respond differently? And coming up with a plan so that you can then do that and work consistently together. If you come away from this episode with just one thing, it's this. You are responsible for your parenting. The quality of your relationship with your child is in direct proportion to the level of compassion and respect you give, even with the usual boundary pushing. We genuinely reap what we sow. I really hope that you've had a good time. I hope that you've had a good time. I hope that you've had lots that you can take away from this episode. And if you'd like my free family meeting template, then go to drmaryhand.com forward slash library, pop your email address in for instant access to the whole library of podcast resources, not just this one. And finally, if you've enjoyed this episode, I'd love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the
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