Parenting and Co-Parenting

Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 6 and today we are talking about parenting and co-parenting. So, this episode is for you if you want to be more consistent with your parenting. You are prepared to take a really honest look at how you parent, warts and all. You want practical ways to co-parent without the battles. So, here's a typical scenario. Your child is refusing to go to bed. Maybe they have been in and out of their bedroom for what feels like a thousand times. They say they're thirsty, hungry, need to speak to you, they're worried about the light being off, they miss you. You get it, you know the scenario and we've all been there. I now want you to give an honest answer to this question. How do you typically deal with this situation? Do you? A. It depends how I'm feeling and my mood. Some days I get frustrated and shout telling them it's time for bed and stop messing around. Other days I give in and say they can come downstairs for a bit as it's just easier. Other times I stay with them until they fall asleep. B. I'm super consistent each and every time. My children know the bedtime routine and stick to it. C. My partner usually gets cross that I am not being firm enough and the children aren't listening whilst I'm desperately trying to keep everyone happy. My partner thinks I'm far too soft with the children and they're just after attention. D. I remember struggling to go to sleep at night as a child and all the worries I felt so I'm desperate to make sure my children know I am always there for them but I think this sometimes means they overly rely on me. Or E. I have split from my children's father or mother and I know how upset they get when they come back to me. So I think it's really important that they know I am there for them but I just can't seem to find a happy balance. The truth is unless you chose B we can all relate to each and every option except E of course if you're still with your partner. What these different responses highlight are the challenges we face each and every day and sometimes what feels like each and every minute of the day in terms of our parenting. I'm going to do things a little differently and address the issue of parenting and the challenges of co-parenting in the context of five parenting truths. So let's get started. Truth one. Children thrive on consistent parenting. Consistency is key when it comes to parenting whether that's around bedtimes, the consequences we give them for their behaviours or homework. Remember my analogy from the trailer. Our role as parents is to scaffold our children's house build and it starts with the first step. So if you're a parent and you're a parent and you're the foundations. The foundations that we help create and build with our children through consistent application of the rules, the values, the morals that are consistent within our family. These when they're laid down and then consistently applied allow our children's building to rise strong because it knows it's got a solid foundation underneath it. So as co-parenting, co-habiting needs to be consistent in our approach. So if we're living with our partner and we're parenting together, our approach needs to be consistent. Now we don't always have to agree but we do have to agree to agree in front of the children and then challenge each other's responses privately and I know that this is really can be so challenging and can be so tricky when we feel our partner has either overreacted or been insensitive to a particular response but it is absolutely imperative for our children for us to present a united and consistent front that we actually respond to our children in exactly the same way because if we undermine each other either by virtue of jumping in and undoing a response that a partner has has sort of reacted in a particular situation or by undermining what they've said we create inconsistency and what you then get is a child who potentially ends up not knowing what the rule are and then using that specifically to their advantage so asking one parent for something in particular because they know they're more likely to get a particular response for that and I know how hard it is because obviously we all have different views when it comes to parenting but it's really important and we're going to look very specifically how can we make sure that we're on the same page consistently later on in this episode when I talk you through the give that if we don't agree with a consequence that our partner gives in a particular situation in that moment we need to agree and be consistent with our with the response in front of our children we can have a conversation privately later and say I think you overreacted in that particular situation and this particular consequence seems to be far out of proportion with what our child has done and then if you agree that together then you can go back to your child and say on reflection we've had to think about what we said was the consequence and we've had to think about what we said was the consequence and we feel that that might have been a little harsh and what we feel instead is x or y that's so much better than one parent undermining the other in such a way that suggests that the other parent doesn't know what they're doing or is not responding appropriately and then you build these cracks in the foundation which actually rock the foundation in which your child's house is being built which actually undermines their own confidence and their resilience so consistency is key having a consistent approach with parents when we are living together is absolutely critical the only exception to this is when you are co-parenting when you have split from your partner and you do not have an amicable working relationship now while this is not ideal there is absolutely no merit in banging the drum of why can they not see what the issues are sorry that might sound heartless it's not meant to be what causes the most pain for anyone is the constant questioning why and why me when we learn to accept we are much better equipped to make these changes this doesn't take anything away from the situation being awful and not right but it shifts our thinking away from something which ultimately cannot be changed and leaves you feeling powerless to one of acceptance and okay so how can i minimize minimize the disruption to my child so this is about shifting our emphasis for why can my ex-partner not see that our child is struggling with this to simply having a different shift which says just accept that that's where your ex-partner is right now and actually what can i do as an individual to minimize the disruption to my child because in these situations we have to become skilled at saying to our children that at different homes there are different routines and ways of doing things much as we would have said about different homes being different and different routines when they're with their friends so this is not trying to minimize the challenges that you might have when you are co-parenting when you have split from your partner it's just simply shifting your emphasis to one where you have the power to enact the changes in your home and accept and not become consumed by the lack of support or perceived support on your side or acceptance or understanding with your ex-partner so truth one children thrive on consistent parenting truth two children's behavior always tells us about how they are feeling so your partner is right they are attention seeking but it's not the negative way which we often see communicated our children's behavior is a window to how they're feeling we need to become better at responding to the emotion behind the behavior and remind ourselves that when our children know better they can do better if we help communicate our expectations and support our children's emotional development they will then make different choices and tell us what they need in more appropriate ways so it's helping our children understand and communicate about their feelings commute so for those of you who may not have listened to podcast episode one when we talk specifically about helping our children manage their emotions it's helping them find ways to communicate how they're feeling so that we can find better ways of responding in those moments and for them to start beginning to create their emotional toolkit and remember when you are co-parenting apart you can only control what you do so you respond to the emotions behind your child's behavior and accept that your ex-partner may well respond in a different way so we've done truth number one children thrive on consistent parenting truth two children's behavior always tells us about how they're feeling truth three children learn how to self-regulate by observing us let's be super honest here how often have you seen yourself in your child's response this came up for me when i noticed my daughter putting her hand on her hip and pointing her finger it was like oh my word that is exactly what i do sometimes the similarity is far more jarring our children will trigger us it's true if we are really really honest with ourselves and give ourselves some genuine time to reflect you'll find that you'll be able to to find some aspects of your child's behaviour which for some reason just sets you off on some rage, annoyance, irritation. And the truth is, it's usually a pattern of behavior in your child, which is like holding up a mirror to your own behavior. Something which you see in yourself and don't particularly like. So we need to be aware that that absolutely is likely to trigger us. And when we respond to our child in those particular situations, we don't always do it from a place of self-regulation. So if we are to model good self-regulation, then we have to find time to take care of ourselves. For those of you who know me well enough, you will know what I'm going to say. If we place ourselves at the bottom of our to-do list in some martyred way of thinking, unless I sacrifice every ounce of myself to my children, otherwise I won't be able to raise happy, confident children who get good jobs, then what we're actually doing is setting ourselves up to do this. If children see a parent who races around after their every whim, never doing anything for themselves, getting frustrated and exhausting, they don't learn confidence and boundaries. They learn sacrifice and everyone else matters before them. This couldn't be more important than when we are in a co-parenting relationship, which is apart. Self-regulate your triggers with your ex-partner by taking care of yourself regularly. This can be done by taking care of yourself regularly. This can be a really challenging situation for those who are in those particular situations, because not only are you trying to make sure that you self-regulate your emotions around day-to-day parenting, day-to-day work challenges, but often our ex-partner will trigger aspects in us too, particularly around co-parenting. So this idea about self-care is so important, not just for those of us who are co-parenting in the same roof with our partner, but for those of us who are co-parenting in the same roof with our partner. So this idea about self-care is so important, because not only are we co-parenting with an ex-partner and our child comes home and tells us about something that they've done or the way that that ex-partner has responded in a particular situation, we need to be aware that our response to that, whether that's in front of our children or indirectly through the way that we are with our children afterwards, all impacts and self-regulation starts with us. When our children observe us self-regulating, they are much more likely to be self-regulated because children do what they see, not what we say. Truth number four, answering back is disrespectful. How dare they speak to me this way? Children will naturally push boundaries. How we respond to those boundary pushes will determine how they speak to us and they challenge things again. We have to accept that a normal part of our child's development is to push boundaries. Ultimately, as parents, we are only custodians of our children for a short period of time and our role is to prepare them to become adults and independent of us. So of course they're going to test boundaries and sometimes they'll be testing those boundaries at a really young age and what we need to remember is that we need to respond to our children with respect. How often have you found yourself saying how dare you speak to me like that? I would never have spoken to my parents or your grandparents the way you speak to me. And the reality is you probably didn't but your child isn't you and you aren't your parents. We parent so differently to our parents and our children are exposed to so much more than we ever were. Our influences were limited, school friends, family and the little amount on television. Our children now have more television programs than you can ever imagine. Social media, digital games, the news 24 hours. We are one small but crucial part of this big melting pot. When we speak to our children with respect and challenge their talking back compassionately, we teach them through role modelling and consistency how people should be treated. So what we need to do is take a step back and when we're looking at this answering back and it being disrespectful, we need to reframe it and see it very much as my child is testing the boundaries. My role here is to be consistent and respectful and remind them of what the values, the rules and how we treat people in this family. And when you treat them respectfully, they understand that that's how they should equally treat others. And remember that these boundaries are going to be tested time and time again. And our role is to be consistent and compassionate in our responses. So we've looked at four truths so far. Truth one, children thrive on consistent parenting. Even if your parenting isn't the best, even if you don't have the best tools and strategies in the world, but you are consistent in their application, children will thrive. Truth two, children's behaviour always tells us about how they are feeling and we should be responding to the emotion behind the behaviour. So the behaviour may appear rageful, disrespectful and rude, but there'll be an underlying emotion. And it's our role to respond to that, to look for that while scaffolding our children's emotional development so they are better able to communicate how they're feeling and therefore eventually make better choices. Truth three, children learn how to self-regulate by observing us. So our priority each and every day should be to carve out some time to make sure that we are taking care of ourselves. We often act from a place of autopilot when it comes to parenting. It's sort of almost like a rinse-repeat. And unless we take time out to take care of ourselves, to observe and notice what is showing up for me? How am I showing up as a parent? What's my relationship like with this child? I've noticed that I seem to be getting triggered with this child. Or I'm finding actually when I think about it, I'm not really spending a huge amount of time with that child. Or I seem to be a little bit more focused on that child. So it helps us by reflecting we notice and then we're much more likely to put the right things in place to help us self-regulate. Truth four was about answering back being disrespectful. Answering back is about pushing boundaries, something that I would expect and we need to reframe as a natural part of children's development. It's not that they're being rude. They don't always choose the most appropriate way to communicate with us. So let's respond with respect and compassion to our children. So we model to them. It doesn't matter how other people might treat you. You can control your response in that moment. You get the choice. So let's model that for our children. And then the final truth, truth five, children should be grateful for all we do for them. Let me talk about this one specifically as I hear it all the time. I hear that my children are so lucky to live in such a lovely house, have nice things, go to a nice school, go on expensive holidays, etc, etc. They should be grateful. Children ask and they want, but we buy and we choose. Our children know no different. Telling them how hard we had it when we were a child in the hope that they'll be more grateful is wasted breath. And in fact, ends up just becoming a long lecture. And we've all been there. We've all done it. If you choose to send your child to a private school, remember that was your choice. Your children know no different and certainly didn't ask you to. They didn't ask you to take on the size of mortgage that you have or the amount you pay in rent to make sure that they've got a bigger house. So let's not project that onto our children. And I'm being honest because I think it's really important that we do this. If we have chosen, if we've made all of these choices about what we're going to do with our children, whether we've moved out of a particular area, whether we've made sacrifices about holidays, whatever it might be, we've made that choice and we shouldn't be projecting it. Our children don't know any different. So let's be really honest with ourselves. We have made those choices. If we're feeling frustrated about those choices, if those choices might not be the right choices for us now, then that's a conversation we need to have as adults. But our children should not be grateful because we've made that choice. And if we've made those choices, then that's a choice to do those sorts of things. It is important that our children exercise gratitude as part of their well-being. And it should be focused on the little things, which either cost nothing or very little. The smile their friend gave them when they arrived in class, the sun that was out at break time, the shared biscuit with a friend, the snuggle on the sofa and time with you. Those are things that we want our children to exercise regularly in terms of gratitude rather than the choices that we make on their behalf. So my gift for this episode is a template for a Sunday family meeting. And you can use this regardless of whether you co-parent or not, whether you're living with your partner, whether you're not living with your partner, whether you're a single parent. The whole idea around the Sunday family meeting is it's simply an opportunity to get the family, whatever that looks like in your home, together in an informal way. So I talk about it being on a Sunday, there's no agenda, it's nothing like that specifically. There's some real overarching things that you want to discuss and to talk about, but it's really an opportunity. opportunity to get everybody together whether that's at the end of Sunday lunch whether that's after breakfast whether that's after lunch it's up to you when you do it but you start by reflecting on the week which has been what has worked what hasn't maybe those sandwiches weren't great on the way to judo or the breadsticks were perfect just before cubs then once you've reflected on what's happened the week before then start looking at the week ahead what might be the challenges that are coming up and how as a family might you be able to overcome these by problem solving together maybe you're going out and the children will have a babysitter how will they feel what might help with them feeling better if they're feeling worried maybe um you've got a lot of activities that are coming up that week and children are going to need to spend a lot of time in the car so maybe talk about what might you bring with you to kind of amuse yourself in the car so it's not too boring so all of these things that it's really it's an opportunity for you to connect together as a family but what's really important is it's also an opportunity for you and your partner to regularly check in with how you're parenting what showed up for us last week where did we find the differences in our parenting styles which child should we really be prioritizing in terms of support what have i noticed about you and me in terms of where our frictions are in terms of how we respond to a particular child how might we respond differently and coming up with a plan so that you can then do that and work consistently together if you come away from this episode with just one thing it's this you are responsible for your parenting the quality of your relationship with your child is in direct proportion to the level of compassion and respect you give even with the usual boundary pushing we genuinely reap what we sow i really hope that you have a great day and i'll see you in the next one bye bye you've had lots that you can take away from this episode and if you'd like my free family meeting template then go to drmaryhand.com forward slash library pop your email address in for instant access to the whole library of podcast resources not just this one and finally if you've enjoyed this episode i'd love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time you