270: Painful Truths? Ft. Joshua Bassett

Here we go. Let's do it. We're locked in. How do you have it? We're rolling. My paper cuts. It's clotting. We're good. You're doing better now? I'm like crashing out. I'm so excited to have you on. So happy to be here. Thanks for having me. Joshua Taylor Bassett. I love the Taylor. Thank you. I love that you're bringing that in. Thank you. I actually originally wanted that to be my name when I first came to LA when I was 16. I wanted my name to be Joshua Taylor. Yeah. And I was like, no, you can't do that. And I was like, that's dumb. Why? And they just wouldn't let me do it. And then I kept trying to change it. My record label will be like, no, it'll ruin the algorithm. And I'm like, just let me do what I want to do. So I finally got my team to agree. To sign on. Yeah. Well, with your book coming out, I feel like it's a good time to like, you can kind of transition. Oh, absolutely. We'll know that I'm an author. New chapter exactly. And by the way, I didn't tell you this. I just found this out 10 minutes ago, but I'm a New York Times best selling author. Oh, congratulations. Which is crazy. And like, that's my top three life goals of all time. So you're having a good day. Yeah, I'm having a pretty good day. It's going to be a good day. I love that. We have like a weird. And you're not going to remember him at all because it was such probably a blip for you. But you've worked with my husband before in music. He recorded your vocals for a high school musical track. It was your husband. It seems Justin Thunstrom. He's like a duo. It was literally, it's a blip in your time. Did you write or just record it? He just recorded it. They produced it out after because he was signed with Disney. Got you. But it's just like, I feel like the universe is so weird in that way where the world is so small. Totally. It's like that invisible string theory almost in a sense. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's a lot smaller than people think. It really is. Same in New York. It's like, yeah, once you know a few people, you kind of know everyone. Yeah. No, I love that. But I've been loving your book. I have so many pages dog-eared here and I feel like for me and someone who's like been dealing with a lot of burnout and just like mental health is just always so ever present. It's almost like a brain chemistry shifting, like moment for me this week, like reading it. Like, there's so many little things I've like, I've bookmarked and I'm like, I'm very excited to hear your takes. Yes. But just for being 25, it just feels like you've had so many insane experiences. Yeah. It's just like, it feels very profound in a lot of ways. Wow. Thank you. That's awesome. That's a big word for me. Well, that's a huge word. But I mean, I think that's like, you know, there's probably 17,000 notes on my phone right now. And I have a different eye cloud for my iPad that has another 7,000 notes. Oh my gosh. So I'm always just like writing nuggets down and I think the more you look for them, the more they present themselves. Yeah. And on the way here, like I'll take a note or a voice memo or last night I was eating food with my friend outside of my car and I didn't have my phone. I grabbed her phone, just hit record and I was like, I had this theory about this thing. And, you know, the more you just like document it and start looking for it and pulling that thread, the more things kind of show up. And, you know, I've been always just like a very curious person and that got me in a lot of trouble when I was a kid because we'd be at a theater that my sisters were doing a show at. And I like, there's got to be a way to get on the roof. Like, there has to be. And I would like find my way onto the roof for like into the basement or I get myself into all kinds of trouble because I was just very curious how things work, you know, how to get into things and that curiosity though it was definitely a big step back when I was younger. I think it has been one of my greatest strengths, I think, in my adult life is just always being curious about the universe and how it works and why it works. And maybe to a fault, sometimes I could just chill a little bit and like, not carry so much. But, yeah. And I also write in the book that wisdom comes from life experience. And in my short, now 25 years, I've lived about 10 lifetimes. And so I think that because I've had so many experiences in my life, like you just learned so much more, you know, I moved out and I was 16 and-- I can't believe that. Like, moving out late by yourself at 16 and you talk about it in the book, you're like, I was living in my car and showering at the gym and it's like, first 16 year old to do that. Yeah. It's insane. Like, absolutely insane. Where I'm like, do you realize that, right? Oh, yeah. But at the time, I was so ready. Like, it's just so dreamy. And I'm like, I don't know. I mean, my parents were very strict and I was homeschooled. I was saying quotes, but I was really no schooled. And I, you know, they wouldn't really allow me to do anything. And then overnight, it was like, okay, well, now this LA thing's happening and you kind of just got to go for it. And so I went from being actually very reckless and rebellious when I was around my parents to being given full independence and growing up really quickly. And so it's interesting how I felt like I was, when I finally had that freedom and independence, I didn't abuse it. I was very much like, you know, I'd be at a party and they'd be doing cocaine at the bathroom. And I'd be like, I have to leave. Like, I can't be part of this. Like, you know, I was so militant and like, almost living up to that standard, they had set. But now that you weren't under their roof, you're like, right. There's almost like, have you ever heard of like opposition defiance disorder? Mm-hmm. But I can guess. So that was kind of me. Like, I relate to and like, the sense where like high school, my parents were so strict. And so I would like try to really push against that found my ways on a roof was driving across the country at 16. Like, I was just trying to be so independent. Right. But then once I had it, I was like, yes, okay, wait, let's roll back a little bit. 100%. Yeah, it's such an interesting irony. It's like, I think that each human has a sense of independence and free will. And while parents are obviously, it's essential that they guide their kids and that they restrict certain things. They don't let your little kids around the candy jar because they aren't, they're a right. But at a certain age, they do have a choice. Yeah. Instead of trying to control their choices, I think it's trying to teach them how to make the right choice, right? And yeah, I totally agree that there's a weird phenomenon that happens when you get the independence. I know. It's crazy. Yeah. I'm trying to find a line here because I think all of your experiences are really going to lend some interesting really cool takes today. Mm-hmm. But there's a line I bookmarked and it was also didn't put an index in the beginning of the book. I know. Yeah. You're doing me dirty right now as I try to flip here. I just earlier, I was on a webinar and I spent like seven minutes trying to look for a chapter and I couldn't find it. So just give up. I know. I was like, I need posted notes so I can see it from the top. But you say here, better to hear a painful truth than a comfortable lie. Yeah. And we're going to put that to the test today of like, should these people have been so honest, could it have reeled in or like, do you have to be vulnerable and say how you're feeling and be honest and we've got some crazy stories I think you're going to be into. Let's get it. [Music] This episode is presented by State Farm. After five years of this podcast, we can say one thing for certain. A smart move can change everything. Going from cheesy TV roles to brooding blockbuster main characters, smart move, another smart move. Getting help from one of State Farm's 19,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on ratings plans that vary by state. Covered options are selected by the customer. Availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. I don't know why I'm drinking sparkling water right now because it makes you better. Yeah, forgive me if I were. No, we cut that. I say boosted. I just didn't eat. He was interviewed today and I farted twice during the interview. I was like, it was so loud. I was like, I farted. So fucking right. There's no way around this. I just got to own it. I farted. I did. Yeah. I mean, I think they're going to cut it out, but it was just like, if they cut it, it wasn't live. I was just chilling there and I thought I could sneak one out and it just made a noise and I was like, look, I farted. And I'm the first person to own it. I'm like, are you crying? I'm like, oh my God. I got to be honest, you know, if I fart, I will announce it because I much rather me announce it and you go, oh, gross. And then deal with it. Then someone would be like, oh, God, did somebody fart and you have to be like, that was me. You know what I'm saying? So just stop. No. Everyone fart. Do you want them to call it out? You got to get ahead of it. Yeah. No. You got to own it. That's the only way out. This is crazy. I mean, do your best to not fart, but like it happens. It happens. Yeah. So this has been like a long standing, running joke on the podcast now. But it took me until like maybe six months ago to finally like fart in front of my husband and we've been together now. It'll be like eight years this fall. And so it's like just recently six just now six years. Oh my gosh. Wow. That's huge. I'm like first date. I'm not afraid. You just got to get over it. You know. I think you got to be goofy. You take life too seriously. It's like we all fart and just air, you know, minor like they're not silent and they're loud and deadly. So it's like, I get just the double way. I mean, but think about how much stress you've been under for the last six years trying to. No stress. I just walk out of the room, shut the door. I'm not like, he knows what I go out and do like, and he still lies. Like I'm like, you've heard me fart now and he goes, no, I'm like, does he fart in front of you though? No, he doesn't fart. Yeah, right. He's literally broken. He like doesn't fart. I think he's broken. I think we're broken. Okay. This first one coming from AITH, it's titled Am I the asshole for thinking about breaking my engagement because my fiance got a match in tattoo with his girl best friend. Fuck. My fiance has a girl best friend that he's known since middle school. They've been friends for ages. And I believe him when he tells me that there's no romance there at all. They're simply very good friends. That being said, from the start of our relationship, I couldn't help noticing that his friendship with his girl best friend had something of an emotionally intimate feel to it. I brought it up before and he reacted defensively, saying that I'm getting something wrong and that he could never betray me in that way. But I have to admit, after trying for a while, I accepted the fact and tried not to mention it again. Over time, he tried to be more mindful with boundaries and things were okay. Then, not too long ago, my best friend, who was woman, and I got matching permanent anglitz. They are welded jewelry that you can't take off unless you cut it. We've done it together and I told him about it and he thought it was cute. Apparently, shortly after that, he and his girl best friend agreed to do something that they had talked about before, which is get matching tattoos. He never mentioned anything like that to me, not even in a joking way. When he showed me his new tattoo, I started crying and asked him why he would do something like that with her. For me, getting matching tattoos seems more intimate and permanent than getting matching jewelry. But to this, he honestly said that I did pretty much the same thing with my best friend and asked me what makes me cry over this. For me, it just seems incredibly inappropriate because, one, this matching tattoo is with another girl, regardless of how he sees her or she sees him, if it was a family member, then yeah, okay, but not with her. Two, even if I had a male best friend, I would definitely never do such a thing while being engaged to someone else. And right now, I'm seriously considering giving him back the engagement ring because I know that every time I see that tattoo, I will feel like shit and I will resent him for it. I do not really believe that he wants to cheat on me with his best friend because I believe that if something was ever going to happen between them, it would have happened a long time ago. But I feel very terrible about that. While he believes that I'm overreacting, my friends think I'm being valid with my feelings and that they are both way out of line to do something like that. So if I break up with him, would I be the asshole? Damn. Okay. This is good. I got a lot of thoughts. Okay. First of all, if nothing's happened between the guy and the girl in the past, it's interesting because sexuality is such a spectrum, you know, and especially people nowadays where there's a lot of people who are bisexual, and so the question is like, where's the limit for who you can get a matching tattoo? Yeah. Because, but I understand that if he's heterosexual and the girl that he got the matching tattoo, there's also heterosexual, why there could be a little bit of a thing there, but I'm like, again, she can get a matching, she's a matching jewelry or something like that. Yeah. Permanent jewelry, it's not necessarily like on your body though, but I see where he might have been like, but it's still, you're calling it permanent jewelry. Right. Right. Well, my question is like, did he intentionally keep it a secret from his fiance? Like, that's when he gets a little bit dicey. Do you think that, I don't know, I mean, again, like, it feels like it's deeper than the matching tattoo. I don't think the matching tattoo is a physical manifestation of maybe this deeper thing where she's had these weird feelings about him having a lady best friend. But I personally, I grew up with five sisters and I have a lot of women who are my dearest friends and there is 0% anything there. And so I'm like, I don't know, the matching tattoo thing is tough, but I'm also like, I don't know if that's a deal breaker for me because I have so many great friendships with women or any kind of people, I guess, that like there's no question of like, is there anything weird here? So I don't know. That's a complicated one. But I think she has the right to be upset, but I don't know that I'd go so far as to say, like, oh, this means marriage over, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I know. I'm really torn. Unless there is something else going on between him and that girl, then that's another question. Like, that's another story because the tattoo, my opinion is that only the tattoo matters. But if it's representative of something else going on, then yes, it does matter. And I think that's kind of what feels like it's going on here because I, you know, there's always those tropes of like, oh, it ended up being the girl that he told me not to worry about. And so I'm like, is that where you're at? Where you're like, oh, I trust him. And I feel like if something would have happened, it probably would have happened by now, but deep down where you're like, still struggling with that and his lack of boundaries. Because I mean, OP, our writer even said it felt too emotionally intimate. There were issues with boundaries over time. He tried to be more mindful with boundaries like what were the issues with the boundaries? Her touching him while they went out and you kind of standing there watching like what was the context here? Yeah. It's tough, man. I mean, people are really good at living double lives. It's actually insane to me blows my mind. Like when I hear about people who like for years and years and years, like, well, even I've been in that situation where like somebody makes me cut off all of my friends and then I found out they're cheating on me and I'm like, bruh, like what? Or like I had a friend who like, her boyfriend was always like so like literally with me. I mean, I won't say who it was, but my friend had a boyfriend who like fucking hated me, bro. And I never did anything wrong. Yeah. The only thing like I paid for them both in a situation where I was paying for other people as well. Yeah. And he like resented me and was like, never ever fucking paid for my girl in front of me ever again. Like this ridiculous. And I was like, all right, dude. Like calm the fuck down. I'm not that deep. Like I'm not showing off. You get the next one. I'm not trying to make a move. Anyway. And point is he was constantly upset. And like always thought the Rotary Motives turns out he's been cheating on her for over a year, bro. Had a whole other relationship and hold her life with his other woman. And what's funny is when like we had one time out of conversation, he was like, my one priority is taking care of so and so. He kept talking about how like protected he was over her and how like she's his main priority. And like he's just doing this set of protection for her. And while he's the one cheated on her for over a year, I'm like, how do you live? It was in another state. So when you tell me we went to this other state, he had another girlfriend. I just don't know. It's a projection. Yeah, exactly. It's like they try to keep that person so close, so under their control. Yeah. So it's, oh god, it's so insane. How people can do that. Yes. It's upsetting and confusing. And I just don't understand what people can have whole other lives. Like one, what's the thrill of that? And two, like, how do you have the energy and like, how do you not think this is going to blow up in your face at some point, you know? I don't understand. And people can get away with it for years. They have other families and literally whole kids. And it's just like, what? And so this one, like, yeah, I don't know if anything's going on here, but like, I think if this were me and my fiance or husband, like if my husband went out and got a matching tattoo with one of his girlfriends or any friend for that matter without talking to me, like, oh, like, why is it a surprise to me versus like, I'm getting a tattoo with Cleo. Like, why are you telling me? Yeah. And it's just like, it feels like there's such a, like, lack of respect for our relationship almost where it's like, Hey, what about nice to know and talk about it? Even though it's like, well, okay, it's his body, his tattoo, but it's just kind of it feels weird. I agree. I agree. It's, it's tricky and nuanced. But I don't know. Again, I think it's, in my opinion, personally, in a relationship, the only time I have a real problem with that is if it was actually something else going on that I found out. So that's the whole thing with this from like, I don't know, but I agree it's where she didn't say to me. Oh, I'm not more sure. I'm just saying. Keep drinking that coffee over there. Well, the top comment on this one, matching tattoos with another woman while engaged is gonna feel weird to most people, doesn't mean it's cheating, but it does mean your feelings aren't crazy. Right. Agreed. Next one, not the asshole, let him go unless you enjoy being the third wheel in their relationship. He's not ready for monogamy and commitment to you. Maybe. And someone comments, what makes you say he's not ready for monogamy? Because he has a close friend that is a woman can someone not have a close friend that has a woman and also be monogamous. And someone reply to that person goes, it's disrespectful and it's so it's like, I just think it's it's overall just a lack of communication, like it seems like something's missing in their relationship. Yeah. Well, again, it's like in his case by case, like she's vowed to be upset, but also like, I don't know. Yeah. A lot of people start asking info, what was the tattoo of? Yeah, that was my question. Because that could like make break it to, yeah, right, right. Like do they have two hearts that complete when they line their hands up? O.P. Does respond. It's a simple design of an alien holding a beer bottle and raising it up to do cheers. I think that's gas. I think that's why it is good. What does gas mean? What do you mean? Okay. Well, you're Gen Z. I think sure. What's Gen Z? What year? I don't know. What year were you? 2000. I'm like, I would go for probably. I think so. Yeah. You know what fire means? Yeah. Yeah. Well, that old. No, that's, I think that's awesome. If my, it's hard to say, but if my partner had a matching tattoo with somebody that could potentially be attracted to them, but they were their best friends since middle school, you said, like, I don't know, bro. I don't think it's that deep. Maybe I'm just like more secure in the sense that I'm not like overthinking everything. Uh-huh. I don't say I don't have a jealous tendencies where I can't be like, but like, for example, I was dating this girl once who like was super, super, super, super, super. Super super jealous. I mean, unbelievably jealous. Like anything I couldn't, anything. Again, if you could talk to us. You couldn't even say thank you to someone else. - Correct. She made me cough all my friendships, essentially with anyone who could ever be potential romantic connection to. And I did that out of respect to her. And I was doing my best to make the relationship work. But then she would like go and like sit in someone's, like sit in a guy's lap. And I'd be like, hey, like I'd be like, hey, I didn't really love that. I would try to be as like gentle as possible and she'd be like, oh, come on, like he's by. And I'm like, yeah, by. That means that part of that is being attracted to women. - Well, also, like, didn't they kind of realize the hypocrisy of that? - You would hope that. You would hope that. No, over there. And again, it was even me bringing it up. That was like, come on, you're overreacting. And you're just trying to articulate your feelings. - Yes. And I was like, I just didn't love how that felt. And it feels a little bit weird. So like, that's the kind of stuff that I don't like. When it's like, sitting on a lap and doing that stuff, I think there's a clear difference between like playful, like banter, for example, versus like, when it's starting to cross the line like that. I mean, I think in her justification, she was like, no, there's clearly nothing here. So it's not a big deal. But it was definitely hypocritical. And that was a lot of the relationship. But regardless, male female relationships or again, any kind of relationship with her potential for romance or whatever, I think is so nuanced and tough. So that's what I'm saying. It's not an absolute rule. And I can't specifically how I'd feel in that situation. But personally, if I were to picture it right now, I would probably be pretty chill with that. - Yeah, and I think it is interesting where she's like, one, if this was with a family member, I wouldn't see an issue. Like, what if he does look at her like a sister, like a cousin? Like, my husband wanted to get matching tattoos with his female cousin. Like, I'm not gonna have an issue with that. - Totally. - If he decided to do that. - Right. - And so it's kind of that same concept of like, I think you're coming from a place where you are feeling insecure about their relationship or he's not communicating well to you. - I think it's about the tattoo. I think it's about deeper than that. - That's a figure issue. - 100%. - And so at the end of the day, if I break up with him, would I be the asshole? I don't think so because you're entitled to your feelings. - Yeah. - And if you're gonna resent him forever because of the tattoo, then. - You're doing him a favor by breaking up with him. I think you have the right to break up with him, but I don't necessarily feel like it's fair. And if I was the guy, I don't know. I don't know, it's a tough one. Do you think they can work through it? - Absolutely. - Okay. - 100%. - Maybe a little therapy? - Yeah, maybe some couples therapy. - Okay. - Some premarital counseling. - There you go. - It sounds like maybe this is revealing that they do need to work just some stuff before they get married. I think if anything, they're engaged, right? - Engaged. - Yeah. - Maybe there's a postponing. - I like that. - But I don't know, man. I think part of me again is like, I don't think it's that big of a deal, but then I also know like how common it is that people cheat and like have whole double lives. So I don't blame her for being upset about it and or like being insecure or paranoid. - I know, I'm trying not to be like too pessimistic and paranoid about it. - Yeah. - 'Cause like I feel like I do from reading so many of these stories. I'm like, always cheating. And it's like, but it could be innocent. - But there's also plenty of times where you think that they aren't cheating and then they are. - And then they are. And it just like is like, what? But I mean, an alien holding a beer. I'm like, they just sound like two weirdos, just two friends, like an alien. The alien beer thing definitely put was the nail in the coffin for me. - I know. - All right. But what do I know? - It's so loud. We don't have an update on this one yet. - No need. - No need? I want the other. - You wish them best. We'll check in for part two. - Yeah, that's what I want. I'm like, where's the part two? OP, if you're out there listening, please let me know. I mean, it's 10 months old at this point. - They had it gotten either married or not, but we're wishing you the best. OP, is OP a original poster? - Yeah. - Nice, look at that. - Look at you. - You're getting, you're catching on quick. - Yeah, it kind of flew under the radar before it was removed, so maybe we'll get an update. - Yeah. - Okay, moving on to this next one. This is coming from one of my favorite redditors. - Okay. - His name is direct caterpillar. - Okay. - And they just like find the best stories on Reddit. And so this is coming from one of theirs. - Great. I've always known that he was in the writing music, but he never got around to singing or performing to me, which I assumed was out of shyness. Last night, me, him and about four of our friends went to a bar to drink. There was no way I could do this. I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna go to a bar to drink." I thought this was extremely out of character. As he is usually very polite and kind to everyone. We were about two rounds in at this point, so I thought maybe he was just a bit tipsy. They then asked if anyone wanted to sing, and he enthusiastically volunteered. The previous guy, poor kid, politely offered his guitar if my boyfriend wanted it, to which he laughed in a really patronizing way and declined. What happened next is going to be hard to type out, because I'm still cringing. He proceeded to a capella, sort of chant/mone, and sing a song that weaved a tale of him doing ayahuasca and cutting his hair, then digging up a grave and setting up a tent. There was a brief interval where he went, "Yes, yes. It was like a comedy skit." Oh, God. I honestly thought he was joking until I heard the ayahuasca part and remembered that he had showed me a poem with that line in it. Oh, God. No, I'm cringing because I did ayahuasca, and I talk about it in my book too. I fear that man is me. No. I don't know how you can be out of tune when it's a capella, but he managed it. He was so out of tune with himself with the air when he was done after like five whole minutes. There was a pause. Two guys in the bar looked like they were in tears from laughing, and my boyfriend sat back down and said, "Yeah, that's how it's done." Get rid of this guy. And smiled. Since then, he asked me if I enjoyed the performance. I said, "Yeah, but it was so different from what I expected." He smiled and said, "Yeah, it's the only thing I'm good at." I'm honestly so confused. This seems so out of character. I see him kind of in a different light now, but he's perfect in every other way. But he was so cocky and almost delusional. I feel like if I tell him he was bad, he'd just say that I didn't understand his vision or something. What should I do? I think he's planning on doing it again at some point soon, and I honestly don't think I could handle that. I don't want him to feel bad, but I also don't want to lie to him. First of all, I think everyone has their blind spots. You don't have to be talented at everything. But to be arrogant, which is so ugly, in my opinion, all kinds of arrogance is just ugly. To be so arrogant and also be so unaware of how not good you are, to mock someone else and then go up there and make a mess of yourself and embarrass the other people. I don't know. It's a huge red flag. You said in every other area, he's good. To me, I don't really like mean people. Like I said, arrogant people. Not to say I haven't been both of those things, but I think that's just such an "ick" for me. I always talk about the difference in "ix" and "irroversal-ix." Because him being a bad singer can be an "ick," but that doesn't mean it's like a deal breaker. But to me, if he's mocking the guy before, doing terribly, and then talking about how great he was, and bragging about it, that to me is an "irroversal-ick," where I'm like, I don't know if we can bounce back from this one, but I don't know. What do you think? Yeah, no, I agree. And having that kind of laid out "ick" versus "irroversable-ick," when it's beyond just a goofy hobby that I don't understand, where no, no, no. This is actually a personality flaw. Kind of lack character, because you're just genuinely an asshole. And it's like, no, I honestly think his bad performance aside, I think just how shitty he was to the other people. That's just enough. That's worse. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, I don't even care about the bad performance. That's one thing. But like you said, him being rude about it, and even the guitars trying to help him after that, and him being like, nah, I don't need your help. I don't know. It sounds like-- I know. Someone was just trying to be so nice. I know. It sounds like he's been doing a good job of hiding and suppressing that side of him, and you kind of saw glimpse of it. Yeah. When people show you who they are, believe them. Sometimes people don't see that side to people until well, well, well, into their relationship with them, and people are good at hiding those parts of themselves. But you just saw a sneak peak, I think, maybe a deeper issue, is like a mean spirit that I don't fuck with at all. But look, maybe he was just had too much to drink, not to say that he excuses anything. Yeah. I'm just saying people aren't their best selves when they do that. So there's a little bit of grace there. In my opinion, I think if every other area of your relationship with this guy is great, then maybe take this as like a flagged. Maybe he's on probation right now. Maybe it's a little bit like we're gonna see how it goes. - Okay. - I don't know if this is a deal breaker, but it's definitely not a good look. And it's not a good sign. So what do I know? - I'm with you. I think it would be really hard though, given, and it's so hard when you're with someone like they're an artist or they're, you know, whatever. They're niche hobby is or passion. And it's like, it's so subjective, but like you're not a fan of it. - Yeah. - And it's like, how do you then go through life with this person if they did stay together? And he's like, come to my open mic night and you're just like. - Does it sound like he's not really taking this super seriously? It's more just like, no? - I mean, for him to say, this is the one thing I'm good at. - That's embarrassing, bro. I'm like, and then it's like, but are, like, I don't know, maybe we aren't his target audience. Maybe we're not understanding it, but it does genuinely sound terrible. - Yeah, no, I think I think I'm just loser. Go find someone who will get matching tattoos with their bestie, alien tattoos. I think that sounds like that guy's a lot cooler than this guy in my opinion. - Would you be honest with him? And be like, you're not very good? - Fuck, it's hard to say that because when it's uninvited or unwelcome, it's hard to know where it's your place. If you were to ask, I would be like, I think, 'cause here's the thing, I was just talking about this earlier, but Ed Sheeran, when he first started out, was absolutely terrible. If you hear his demo from when he was like 15, it's like the worst singing I've ever heard, horrific. And now he sells out stadiums and it's like a world-class artist. So it's hard to say that he can't get better, and so there's probably a constructive way to tell him, I think there could be work done on this, and if it's something you're passionate about, there are ways to get better, but I think there's a way to tell someone the truth that doesn't crush their spirit, you know? - Yeah. - But maybe he needs to be crushed, and he needs to be hung out. (laughing) - You're like a fucking Sour Patch kid. You're like, first there's Sour, but you're like the flip. You're like, you're so sweet, and then obviously, you're like, buddy, fucking Sour. - Yeah, yeah. - Let's go. - There's one for all of it. - It's so interesting. Music is one of those careers too, 'cause as a musician, I'm sure you get this a lot, whether it's songs you've written, or you sound a demo to someone, but seeing my husband and music, it's like, there's such these amazing songs that will never see the light of day, because someone else just doesn't see the value in it. - Yeah, oh my god. - It's like, aw, but it's time. - Yeah, we were just talking about that today. Or yesterday, me and my friend, I was showing her a bunch of my old stuff, and she was like, these are amazing, and I was like, hearing it again, I was like, yeah, you know what, these are good. Like someone on my team, or whatever, didn't like it, and so she never got to see the light of day. It is so subjective, but there's also such thing as, I think, objectively bad. Things, I mean, if someone's like, off-pitch, that's pretty objective, you know, there's no taste thing. But then there's also artists that I think their voice is not very good, and people really liked it, and vice versa, so. - I know. I don't think the average person realizes, 'cause like, I sure didn't, before being with someone who's like, in that world, there's so much technology that like, can make an artist that doesn't have the strongest vocals sound amazing, like Melodyne. - Yeah, oh yeah. - And stuff like that, where I'm just like, it literally, if they're off-key or like, sing the note wrong, it'll just like, it can put them there. - Yeah. - And if they're super bad, then it starts to sound too fakey. - Yeah. - But it's just crazy to me. - Yeah, there's like a certain amount where they can be off-tune. They're like, you can hear the auto-tune, you know what I'm saying? But so that's like, if they're within like, 30% accurate of the note, then you can make it get away with it pretty well. But yeah, I mean, ultimately like, some artists, their recording music, is what they're known for in some arts or live music. Some of them both are great. - Yeah. - Like, Sienna Spear, I don't know if you know her. She's not been coming. She's one of the greatest voices I've ever heard in my life. And like, hearing her live was one of the best things I've ever experienced. But then there's other artists I will mention who like, the recording sounds really great. And then I've seen them live and I'm like, ooh, if it's not really there. But also, there's a lot of artists that even when they are live, they're still using auto-tune and stuff like that. - Yeah. - Or they're pretending to sing. And so there's a lot of fakey that happens with it. So you can get away with a lot. In a day and age of AI, although I don't endorse using AI at all. - No. - In music and stuff. - It's insane. - Yeah, I mean, dude, there was one artist I fell for recently. - Is it the stick figure song? - I don't know. I don't think stick figures. Is there one you're-- - Okay, so you tell your story. - Well, basically, there was this one song that I thought was really fucking great. I should say I'm going to add it to my playlist. And then I saw TikTok where someone was like, this artist is completely AI and I was like, no way. And there was no time I was in an Uber and they were playing this music. And I specifically was like, man, there's so much soul in this artist. Like, fuck, there's so much soul. I got to find them and I couldn't find them anywhere. And I asked the guy for a YouTube video. And it was like AI renditions of like old classics or whatever. And it was completely fake voices. And I was like, actually so deeply disturbed. No, I think I'm better at spotting the AI stuff. - Yeah, it's hard. So there's a song that just went super viral on TikTok. And people were like, this is the best song I've ever heard. - Stick figures. - Stick figures. And I saved the actual song and they stole every single lyric but just did like a dance version of it. And stick figures came across and he's like, they didn't reach out, they didn't credit me from a lawsuit standpoint, like with copyright and publishing rights and all this stuff. Like insane. But like, it's just someone prompting an AI thing and like, they then stole this song. It's just like, but I think now like, because he found it, they've worked it out where yeah. Like it's either like give me credit and give me rights to the song, otherwise like you're done. - Totally. - So, but it's still, it's just like, it's messed up. - There was somebody that made a video about this, that artist I was mentioning earlier and she was like, it's really frustrating as somebody who makes music. Like when it feels like they're stealing all this like attention and getting all these accolades for music that's not even real. And one of the comments was, I'd rather listen to their good AI music than your shitty real music. So I'm going to stick to listening to them. And I was like, oh, God, we're cooked bro. (laughing) But it's just such a weird time. It's so unprecedented, you know? I'm curious to see where it goes. I have a feeling we're going to start to swing as a society toward, you know, I think we had the boom of technology and we're still in that boom of technology, but I think we're going to start to see a swing into a lot more real like people getting flip loans again and people doing more real world activities and I think that. I'm hoping that we start to step away from this work. Technology's a great tool and a servant, but it's, we realize that we're missing our real life. Yeah. And that's not what we were talking about at all, but. No, no, no, but I think that human connection, it's definitely like needs to come back. Like the village is something we always talk about on the show where it's like, we need the village again. Absolutely. Back to this one though, the top comment is, I think at the very least you should tell him that he was being a jerk towards the guitar player. If he's going to make a habit of going to open mics, then he's going to need to learn to make nice with the other musicians. Someone responds, speaking as a musician, if you don't think you suck, you probably suck. That's bars. Someone else says he's not right in your head. Bars are when you like, it's like, it's getting too late. You might, you might have to keep going. I need like a, a Gen Z. Oh, please. I don't think, am I Gen Z? Yeah. I think Millennials ended 1996. Oh, is it, is Gen Z next? Yeah. Yeah. You're not Alpha. As long as I'm not Alpha. Now all respect to Alpha. Alpha's the future. I, are you a silent screamer? What the hell does that mean? Okay, good. Well, apparently it's a Gen Z thing. So I figured you'd know. Silent screamer? Yeah. My friend Lauren. She's firmly a millennial, but like, it's like, it's this Gen Z thing where it's like, you get excited, but you don't say anything. You just go, and silent scream. No. That was my reaction. It scared me. No, yeah. I don't fuck with that at all. I was like, are you okay? I didn't know it was happening when she did it. No. There's another comment here that said, he's not right in the head. There's no way to stand in front of a crowd and perform and get the vibe 100 percent wrong. Also, please record landscape please and post pretty please. I'll pay $15 for this. I'd pay more than that. I would literally. I'd probably pay a little bucks. Maybe two to see this. Yeah. The funny thing is that I find that the most successful and most talented people are the most supportive of other artists and the most kind, not all the time. But a lot of the time. No, a lot of times. Yeah. It's just funny that like, who are you to be shitting on this guy when you can't even hold it down? You know? Yeah. No, that's one thing I do love about like going to Nashville and going to the writers' rounds. Yeah. And like hearing where they support. And we're so supportive and stuff. Yeah. Like the music scene there is so supportive. Totally. It's very different to the LA music scene and I'm not even in music, but I can do the T. 100 percent. But okay, I moved on to this next one. This episode is brought to you by Prime. If chaotic relationship stories and messy love triangles are your thing, Prime originals is delivering exactly that this summer. Think steamy romances, addictive love stories and those book to screen adaptations. Everyone's already obsessed with. Like off campus, L and the love hypothesis and more. Just all slow burns, second chances and chemistry you can literally feel through the screen. If the group chat needs a new shared obsession, this is it. Obsession is in session. Watch only on Prime. This is coming from a subreddit called r/marriage. And it's titled, "My husband told me he was writing a poem for me." it wasn't a poem. I accidentally read something my husband wrote about me and now I don't know how to feel. Last year he told me he was writing a poem for me. He writes a lot in notion and recently I saw a page with my name on it. I genuinely thought it would finally be the poem he once mentioned. I know I shouldn't have opened it and I already feel guilty about invading his privacy but I did it. What I found was not a poem. There were pages of negative things about me and our marriage. He called me names like Moron and even compared me to a mojale key aunty who just gossips. He wrote down every small thing I've ever said or done that upset him, even harmless discussions that I thought were normal between partners. For example, I once made a neutral comment about his friends during a healthy discussion and he wrote about that too as proof that I'm negative. He also wrote about how much he is struggling in the marriage, how I don't appreciate him and included criticism about my family too. I think what hurts most is not that he's unhappy sometimes. I know marriages are hard but that he seems to see me as this stupid negative annoying person. I never wanted my partner to secretly view me with contempt. Now I don't know how to act around him because I've seen thoughts I probably never was supposed to see. I feel embarrassed, hurt and honestly heartbroken. A part of me wants to confront him and a part of me feels like I can never unsee this and will never feel the same around him again. Has anyone ever gone through something similar? Were these just private venting thoughts or should I take this as how he truly sees me? That's tough. That's tough. I think it would be healthy to vent in a journal or sometimes you'll have feelings towards someone that are temporary or that are, I don't know, someone has to be annoyed by somebody. I'll just get it all out and then after we get it out, I'm like, okay, I just was frustrated about this other thing and they happen to be the victim of my frustration in that moment but it's not like an active thing. So I think that there's definitely room and space for that. She shouldn't have read his journal or his private stuff. But I think again, if that becomes chronic, if that's how he always feels about her, then why would they be together? I know. That's my question where I'm like, has there never been an inkling? Because I think this is obviously a marriage, but I think this happens with friendships too, where you find out a friend said something about you and it's like, how do you come back from that? I think you being in the public sphere, people are going to talk and it's really hard when then you come across that negative stuff and it's not meant for you to come across, was it there venting in that moment or whatever it is, but it's still hurtful. Yeah, of course. How do you deal with it when you do find it? Even if those were his journal thoughts, but is there still truth to it? I'm all over them. I'm like, how do you go from here? Yeah, and you can't also see it and then it's like in the back of your head when you're, this was shot or me. Words get, yeah, I think it might be over. I don't know, man. I think, like I said, even though it is temporary, maybe the feelings that he has, once that, yeah, once the worms are out of the jar, is that what they say? Can? Yes. Once the worms are out of the can, you can't really put them back in and I'm big analogy guy over here. But you just, you fit in so well here because I botch every saying. Yeah, I forget. Oh, God, I was doing a show, I think the Huntington Beach Barnes and Noble yesterday for my book. And I finished this like really emotional song about like suicide and not not taking your life and stuff. And I said, don't underestimate. I'm going to butcher it again, but I said, don't underestimate the absence your whole would leave, which is not the right way to say it. It's meaning like don't underestimate, underestimate the whole your absence would leave. I think so, right? The absence your whole would leave. It didn't, it didn't work. It was so underestimate the absence of your whole your whole your whole yeah, it sounds really, really wrong. But I totally understood it. 600 people. I was like, oh my God, bro, this was supposed to be in like an emotional moment. And now I've just made it incredibly awkward. So I'm looking forward to that being on my for you page. But anyways, we were saying worms. Oh, yeah, once that stuff's like, it's really hard to bounce back from that, I think. And you know, again, he can say it was just temporary. But I don't know if I was her. I'd be pretty upset. I know. I would too. Like it would crush me to hear this from my partner where it's like, I wish you just would have like talked to me about this. And like I've gone through something similar with a friend where she like ignored me for a couple of months and like wouldn't tell me what was wrong. And I was I was like very blindsided by like the fact there was even an issue. Yeah. And she was like, I just need space like, you know, form my thoughts, whatever. And to me, that felt like even more of a punishment. And I took it as a punishment, right? Because I'm like, I don't even understand what the issue is. And when we ended up reconnecting, she was like, you know, I just feel like a lot of times like you're just you're constantly negative. And I'm like, well, I feel like I thought we had a friendship where we would we would vent to each other. You know, you vent to me about work all the time. And if that's not, you know, the space that we are creating for each other, that's fine. I'll reserve my venting where I'm negative for other people. But like, I wish you just would have communicated with me that there was an issue. Yeah. And so it was a tough one. It's so tough. And now imagine like your partner, like someone you literally committed to being with. Yeah. Well, because that's the thing, like there's some people where like I have opinions or thoughts or whatever. And it's just like, it doesn't feel appropriate to like bring it up, you know, but then yeah, like you said when it's your partner, especially like you're married, like it's tough. But then it's also like, I don't know if I was the guy, like it's hard to like tell someone you think these things about them, you know, like the question isn't should he have brought them up. My question is if you really think so, these things should they even stay together. And it's like, so I don't know, it's tough because you don't want to hurt their feelings and stuff. Because some of this is like subjective stuff. It's one thing when it's like, hey, I don't like them. You don't do the dishes or I don't like them. This happens the way you talk to me in this way. That's different. That's worth a discussion. But if you're just like this person's an idiot and they're so fucking stupid and like, why are you with them? If that's what you feel about them, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, yeah, they're allowed to have feelings and frustrations. And I think when you get in any kind of long term partnership with anybody and of any kind, there's going to be naturally ways in which you guys get on each other's nerves and there's like things you get upset about or annoyed by, like that's totally natural. But it sounds like this guy might never be satisfied. I don't know. It is interesting. The top comment really picks on like what you're saying, too. Look, everyone deserves a safe space to vent and arrow their feelings, emotions and frustrations. But not once in my 17 years of marriage, have I ever even privately belittled my wife with names like moron? Just putting that out there. Yeah, absolutely agree. I have also never belittled my wife with words say moron. I don't have a wife, but yes. No, but like it's like even like your friends where it's just like, I think sometimes like you wake up and you're like, God, I'm friends with my biggest hater. Yeah. And it's just like, I can't even imagine saying, oh my God, my friend is such a fucking moron. Yeah. No. No. Like it's just so disrespectful. And it's like, that doesn't feel like love. 100%. So I fully agree. Again, I get being frustrated though, because I haven't frustrated with my friends, but it's very temporary. Like you work through it and then you move on versus like, if you're constantly feeling that way, but I mean, there's a lot of people who are like secretly in their heart, very, very evil and mean and unkind. And they can hide it for a while, but eventually it kind of comes out like in this scenario where she's now finding this stuff on this computer, it's so wild to me how different people can be in their heart versus what they perform and what they present. Yeah. And like, you know, again, some people are really good at performing and keeping it hidden. But then, you know, they say like, if you squeeze a lemon, they're going to get lemon juice, right? Like you're not going to get apple juice if you squeeze a lemon. And ultimately, the point is that whatever is on the inside is what comes out when someone gets squeezed. And so if this person has hatred in their heart, then this person squeezing them, that's what's going to come out. So like, you can hide it. But like, ultimately, you can't fake you are forever is basically what I'm saying. I'm in a lot of people in their heart are really not great people. I literally just like, yes, I need to roll the tapes. And like, I need, I'm going to listen to it again when Jenna sends me the edit. But like, whatever you squeeze is what you're going to get. I don't like, what, what, what kind of Confucius? I think I said, I don't know how I said it, but yeah, it was perfect. No, it just like, it makes total sense because it's like, you can hide so much under a mask. But like, when it comes down to it's like, when you boil it all out, like, who is that person at their core? And how ugly are they? Or how kind are they? Or whatever it is? Yeah, no, it made total sense. And it's also malleable. I think that, you know, people can change. I mean, one of the things I talk about and Ricky is that the hard work is the hard work. And it's a lot like gardening, right? You have to constantly be tending to, you know, uprooting the weeds and planning the right seeds and stuff. And the more you dwell on negative thoughts, like, like, this guy, it seems like he's dwelling on a lot of negative things. The more kind of darkened your heart. And then the more bitter and sour and resentful you are. Yeah. But I think if you practice more, again, venting's one thing. But if in general, you practice more kind, consider it loving, forgiving thoughts, then eventually that kind of conditions your heart into maybe a more kind heart, you know, it comes down to like, you have a choice until you don't. And if you continue to dwell on negative things and continue to look at all the bad things and people and all the things you hate about them, like eventually you can't help but hate people. But if you continue to choose like kind and consider it loving thoughts toward people, it softens your heart and then it becomes a lot easier to do we loving towards people. But I don't really know the point of what I'm saying right now. No, I really appreciate it. I think it is an important kind of thing to remember because like our brains, everything's so connected. And it's like, if you continue to think a certain thought, like you're reinforcing that. Yeah, it's like, I always say like your brain is like a muscle and everyone's like, your brain's not a muscle. I was like, okay, yeah, I know that. But it is in the sense where it's like, your brain is constantly pruning. And if you don't use it, it'll prune it away. If you use it, it strengthens that neural pathway. And so if you think bad thoughts about yourself or if you're, you know, in a bad headspace, you're like confirming that in your brain that like this is normal. This is where I should be. That becomes stronger. Absolutely. And I was in a little shop of whores in New York. Yeah. And you know, it's like 90 pages of script to memorize and not stuff. You know, in rehearsals, you'll like get a note and they'll be like, oh, this line is not what you thought it was. And so the way to remember that line is to go back and correct that line in your head over and over and over again until it sticks. And then you show up at rehearsal and you just open your mouth and it comes out naturally. Like you don't have to think about it. Your subconscious just just knows, right? Because your brain, you've wired that pathway in your brain so many times that naturally it comes out. And so it's interesting because learning those lines taught me so much about my brain and that the things that repeat and continue to to really implement into my brain become the automatic script that that runs my thoughts in my life. Yeah. And so, um, it's so important. This deep on two auditions. No. Well, now I'm going to, I like had a story I was going to read, but I actually think this one I had like it was a few tabs down, but I think where we're at right now, I actually think this train of thought would really lend itself to this story. And it is a little bit of a deeper one. It's it's coming from our slash true off my chest, but I think you're like really especially knowing what you've written in this book going to have some good takes on it. So this next one true off my chest titled, I keep mourning the person I could have been. I have spent a significant portion of my life feeling emotionally insecure in the presence of others. Even when someone shows kindness towards me, a part of me anticipates the moment that they will change abandon replace humiliate or cease to care for me. Consequently, I tend to over analyze every interaction minor exchanges linger in my thoughts for years, a fleeting glance, a compliment, an act of rejection being overlooked or someone opting for another person over me. My mind assigns profound emotional significance to events that others would likely swiftly forget. I find myself in constant comparison with other women, not just occasionally, but incessantly. I scrutinize their appearance, personality, relationships, the attention they receive, their popularity, how loved they appear, and their innate confidence. I evaluate myself against all these factors, and I nearly always feel inadequate. For years, I've held the belief that if I were more attractive, more lovable, more engaging, less emotional, or less damaged, then people would ultimately choose to stay. Even when someone expresses care for me, I find it challenging to fully accept it, because deep down, I anticipate rejection more than acceptance. I often presume that people secretly dislike me, tolerate my presence, feel pity for me, or will eventually leave once they truly understand who I am. I obsessively replay painful memories, feelings of embarrassment, bullying, rejection, awkward encounters, exclusion, and a sense of being unwanted. My mind revisits these experiences repeatedly, as if they are occurring in the present moment. I form deep emotional attachments, even when little has transpired between myself and the other individual. Sometimes the attachment is not solely about the person themselves, but rather what they symbolize for me, emotionally validation, being chosen, being acknowledged, and feeling sufficient. When I observe someone that they have selected in place of me, or someone who possesses qualities I perceive as lacking in myself, it can evoke intense feelings of jealousy, sadness, and comparison. I long for deep love, reassurance, safety, consistency, and emotional intimacy, yet I find it hard to fully trust it when it does come my way. This likely leaves me feeling emotionally drained, as my mind is constantly on the lookout for signs of rejection, abandonment, or comparison. I don't believe I hate myself, because I was born with that feeling. I think I developed it over time through ongoing emotional pain, comparison, rejection, loneliness, bullying, and feeling invisible. Eventually, those experiences shifted from being events that happened to me to becoming evidence of my identity. Well, yeah, no, I think that's huge, and I can definitely relate to a lot of what she said, and I think that, damn, you know, I think it's interesting because it's not to say that you can't still point to other people and blame people for certain things, but I found that I have just as much as I'm worried about people scrutinizing me, I'm scrutinizing myself, or I'm beating up myself, or I'm not showing myself compassion. And when that started to shift for me, when I started to show myself compassion and grace and be kinder to myself, then I stopped needing it so much from other people. It's so interesting with our identities, you know, and we place them in the fickle, fleeting opinions of others. Like, for example, if your worth isn't how you look, then good luck, because you change every day, you know, and there's some days you're going to feel better, some days you're not going to feel as good, and you cannot be at the mercy of the ebbs and flows of how you look, right? And then you can obviously seek and yearn for acceptance and friendship and connection, but you also cannot need it in a way that when you don't get it, it's the end of the world and you take it personally, you know, and I think being somebody who has dealt with a lot of public opinions that shift so frequently, I've learned that I can't need the approval of others to feel approved. I can't need the adoration of others to feel loved, or, you know what I'm saying? And so it's easier said than done and it's quite a process, but I think it starts with you and it starts with how you treat yourself. And when I feel like I love myself and I have at least a couple friends that also love me, then I don't need a billion people to love me because I already feel loved. When I don't believe that I'm lovable, when I don't even love myself, then I'm constantly trying to find others to overcorrect that and the reality is I'm actually maybe a good thing that she's not getting this like approval and adoration that she wants because it's teaching her that she can't rely on it, you know what I'm saying? I know. That's maybe backwards and that sounds maybe fucked up, but no, and I do think that like, I mean, there's so many like moments in your book that I've dog year that kind of fit this story, but I agree where it's like you can't rely on others like you do need to be self-sufficient in your self-love because people can be fickle or, you know, you just you need that in a drive and it's hard to get there. Everyone deals with insecurity. Everyone deals with comparison and feeling like crap, no one feels great about themselves 100% of the time. Yeah. And so for this person, I'm like, I think you should 100% go to therapy and start looking more within and like building upon yourself because you do deserve happiness. You do deserve love and everything, you know, they're saying in this, but I think also opening up to someone else can be so healing and let you get to that point of self-love to then where you're practicing gratitude for what you do have and how you look and how you're able to move your body and what talents you have because just practicing gratitude alone and again, that muscle memory can be so life-changing and like you have here vulnerability is almost almost always met with vulnerability. Yeah. And it's so true like this person has all these thoughts, but like doesn't mention, you know, opening up, they're more they're more like if anyone knew me, they would they would run away. But for me, one of my best friends were friends because literally the first night I met her, I opened up and just shared about how like messed up my family is and like where I came from and she was like, I'd never had anyone be so real. And like everyone's always trying to put on this perfect front and, you know, make themselves look better and it's like, no, no, you, you were so vulnerable and she used that word vulnerable. And it's like, yeah, open up. Like you never know who is going to meet you and how much better you could be for it. Totally. You know, I think being able to be vulnerable and talking through that stuff and like her feelings are so valid. And I think that a lot of the issue we have today is a hyper obsession with ourselves. So it's all about, is this person liking me? Does this person think I'm cool? Do they approve of me? And it's so funny because my friend was calling me the other day. She was going on a first date and she was like, I don't know, all these thoughts are coming up. Like, what if he doesn't like me? What if this? I'm like, what if you don't like him? Yeah. What if instead of looking at it like, am I going to do wellness audition? You're going into it being like, do I even like this person? I'm being curious about them and less about you. And if both parties are curious about the other person, that's beautiful and that's where relationship can start. But if you're going into it, trying to prove that you're worthy of love or trying to, whatever, you're, I think you're focused on the wrong thing and that's not to say we shouldn't again take care of ourselves and that's not to say we shouldn't look after ourselves and that we're not important. I think that we sometimes get too carried away of ourselves and we're constantly looking at ourselves. That's when we're so depressed and anxious. But like, go give a sandwich to a homeless person and help remember what life's really about. Life's not about being liked by everybody or feeling cool or popular or included or special. Like, yes, we're each individually special and also there's eight billion people that are special. And when you go and you do things that aren't about you and you serve and you just reframe what's important in life. And I think the cure to a lot of our anxiety is community and service and remembering that we are a part of a larger whole and it's both very deep and also not that deep. Yeah, no, I 100% agree with you. And like, there was a video I saw recently and they were talking about like insecurity and their like insecurity is essentially like thinking too much of yourself. And it's very like selfish and almost like narcissistic in a way because it's like no one's thinking about you that much. Yeah. Like no one like literally it's like no one's liberating way. No one cares that much. So it's like, you're your own worst critic. You're your own worst enemy in a lot of sense. And it's just like, stop being so hard on yourself. And a lot of times people are judging themselves not based on what other people are thinking. But what they think other people are thinking. Yeah. And so they're punishing themselves of these thoughts. Presuming that other people are thinking it when so often they're not. I mean, it's different when you feel like read a comment online about yourself or whatever. Like that's that's maybe different. But most of the time the things we torture ourselves with aren't even accurate to what people are really thinking. I know. And there's multiple studies that show that. Yeah. There's so many studies. There's like two studies that come to mind where it's like our ability to predict what other people are thinking about ourselves is so wrong. You're so off base and actually being able to predict what people are thinking about you. Right. And then there's another study. It's called like the liking gap. Okay. And it's like if someone were to ask you like, hey, Josh, like, how much do you think Morgan likes you? And you'd be like, I don't know, like 20%. She doesn't like me that much. Uh-huh. And they were to ask me like, how much do you like, Josh? You'd be like 90%. He's so cool. What the hell? What's the 10% about? What did I do? I don't know. Do I smell? No. Because I farted earlier. It was. You tried to. I didn't hear it though. You didn't mention it. But it's just like an example where it's just like we're so off in how much we value ourselves. And right. People's opinions are so fluctuating. Like you cannot be at the mercy of how people feel in any given moment to to your worth. You know, like your worth can't be dependent on that. And obviously easier said than done. But I've actually been thankful for being at the center of a lot of like hatred and/or people disliking me so much, whether that's they dislike my art or they dislike me. Even though they don't know me, they they dislike the idea of me. Yeah. Because it's forced me to have no other option. But to not identify with people's opinions of me. And obviously everyone wants to have community and like basic friendship. And those things are crucial. But sometimes in the rejection you learn that you don't need their acceptance in order to feel valuable. Yeah. No, I think, you know, you said like there's eight billion people out there. Like you can find your people. You can find the ones that will see you and won't run at your your insecurities. And right. If there's people out there that talk ill of you or whatever or don't know you, it's like they don't matter. And you talk about in your book. And you're like, I went from like having the worst week of my life to then like you were in the hospital. Basically being told you were like 12 hours to live. And it's like, what was happening online? It's just like that was so irrelevant when your life literally ended up being online. 100%. It's like it just proves how fickle and stupid some of the noise can be. And like, no, this is what really is important. Absolutely. And you know, it's interesting too. Because years before that, I you know, in San Diego and there was this like rumor being spread around me that wasn't true. And it was really upsetting. And like my friends like didn't believe me. The rumor wasn't of anything immoral. It was more embarrassing, but it still wasn't true. And so I remember there's this time where like for a month like every day, I would see the friend. So I heard a rumor and I'd be like, it's not true. And they'd be like, be honest. And I'd be like, dude, like whatever. And so it's the known believe me. And then I had one friend laugh that I was like, if she was, as long as I have her, then I'm fine. And she called me that night and said, hey, I heard this rumor about you. And I was like, it's not true. And she didn't believe me. And I remember crying myself to sleep being like, no, I guess I don't have any friends that like really believe me or see me or whatever. So I cried myself to sleep. And then I woke up to a phone call from my manager saying, hey, you have to move to LA today. And so my whole life changed and I moved to LA. And I like, I found a bunch more friends. And then some of them betrayed me. And some of them, I couldn't trust. And I felt like, oh man, we may can't trust anyone. And over time, you know, I've, I now have like these incredible lifetime friends that that maybe took a little bit more time to find and to really establish connection with. But, um, you know, I've gone through cycles of like feeling like I can't trust anyone. I feel like I have no friends being, being alone, living in my car, being completely isolated. And, um, you know, I think that that's sometimes that's the natural cycle of life. But like I said, it made me get to a point where I no longer needed the acceptance of others in order to feel acceptable in order to feel loved. And so I'm in a much healthier place now. But if anyone's going through a time where they feel like no one gets them or they feel like they're alone, you're not alone. And there are people out there that you're going to love and make so many memories with. And, um, though this season might be difficult. It's not forever. It's just a season. Absolutely. Or whatever. Mike drop. No, Mike drop. Absolutely. You mentioned something that I want to move on to with this next story, which you have an organization that you started with a friend. Yes. Sammy's. Sammy Sunday. Sammy Sundays. Yeah. Which can you tell everyone what your organization is about? Yeah. So Sammy Sunday's started with me and my friend Rita, um, both feeling like we wanted to help the homeless community, specifically NLA. And, uh, you know, the main thing we hear from the unhoused is that the hardest part about being homeless is not hunger. It's being ignored. It's being treated like they don't exist. It's lack of belonging. And so we kind of looked at sandwiches and care packages, uh, though they are vital for survival. They're a vehicle for connection. And so we started giving out 300 sandwiches and a hundred care packages to the unhoused in L.A. every week. And, um, that was a way for us to build community. And there'd be people there who said the last time they ate was a week ago and we gave them a sandwich. And they have no friends. The only people they talk to is us. One person said, the only friends I have are you Rita and Jesus. Um, and this guy also called us at like three in the morning. He had like a met three laps. So it's beyond just like seeing them once a week on some days. It's like we're now like doing life with these people. And like again, they'll call us in a moment of crisis. And maybe we're the last person they the only person they have to reach out to. Yeah. And so yeah, we started that right now. We're pivoting and we're trying to figure out how to, um, to grow our mass scale. But, um, you know, for like over 150 weeks, we were every single week, essentially. So it's remarkable and so needed. And it's a really important organization. One that like when you pivot or whatever you're going to do, I'd love to come. Yeah. Join you because it's, it's just amazing. But you know a thing or two about organizations and volunteers. And I'm curious what your take on this next one is. Okay, great. So this is coming from Amity Asshole. It's titled Amity Asshole for telling a volunteer that they can either serve LGBTQ children or leave the organization. This is a throwaway. So it doesn't get traced back to our organization and make drama in our community. I run a summer camp for kids with a specific medical disorder. I am the camp director because of genetics. Many of our community have familial relationships. The organization is completely run by volunteers, including myself. I don't have the medical needs of the camp. But over the years of working in it, I've been accepted by the community. This past year, one of our longtime campers, teenager, came out as bisexual. One of our other volunteer cabin counselors who has been with the organization since before I started working with the camp has said that they don't feel comfortable with that and has asked that this child not be placed in their cabin. I told the volunteer that their job was to love, care for and support the kids. If the child's bisexuality got in the way of it, then I wouldn't be needing them as a volunteer at the camp at all. I told them that they didn't need to agree with every life decision the kids made or even openly support the team about their sexuality. If they wanted to, they could just not say anything about it. They're a volunteer and I can't police their beliefs, but not only was it not reasonable for the counselor to make that request, but it also made me question if they were suited to take care of and support any kids at all. I need cabin counselors who love the campers unconditionally. As a side note, our camp is so small in numbers that even if this person weren't the child's cabin counselor, they would interact with that child. Other people in the organization told me that we need the volunteers and I was too harsh. It wasn't that big of a deal to just deal and just put the counselor with a different cabin. Yeah, we always need volunteers, but we need the right volunteers. And this makes me think they aren't the right volunteer. Some parents and former campers got wind of it, probably from the volunteer, and they have told me that this volunteer has been a part of the camp family for a long time, longer than me, and I overstep my authority. Did I overreact? No. Am I on a power trip? Now, that I've heard the feedback, I'm wondering if maybe it was too much, they've been a good counselor in the past. I think I might be the asshole because I was kind of giving an ultimatum that could be unreasonable. No, you're not the asshole. I don't care how much time you serve. I don't care if you bend over backwards and break your back to help people if you don't have love in your heart, then I don't want your help to be honest. There's plenty of people who can help. And I think that you're doing more damage than you are good. And I think that we live in this weird age where people think that being right is more important than being loving. And I say right in quotation marks because in her mind, she's like doing the right thing is by not accepting this child. And I'm like, okay, so I'm assuming that they maybe have this belief based on some religious who knows why they have this belief. But do you really think that, you know, I mean, we have to give it this is a whole thing, but I just can't believe that people will like kick out their kids for being gay because they think it's the loving thing to do. I'm like, it just it blows my mind and it makes me so deeply upset. And I think that that camp counselor has every right to kick out that person for not loving their child. No questions asked for me. I completely agree. I think they said it best where it's this line, but it made me question if they were suited to take care of and support any of the kids at all. Right. I completely agree. It's like insert X and insert Y. It's like, if that is going to dictate whether you help that child or support them or not, you're not right for the camp. And I think something that you've, you've really kind of openly talked about because you're very open about, you know, faith and finding faith. And I listened to your episode with Zach saying. Yeah. And you're just like, like that hatred or that inability to be open and loving is like not what Jesus would want. Correct. And so I think it's just like, it's very interesting in the way that like, especially in today's times, people will just weaponize their beliefs. And it's like, do you really, do you really think that's what the higher power would want? Yeah. They're judgmental and they're hateful in the name of love to claim to know and serve a God of love and then turn around and be hateful and judgmental is almost worse off. You know, that's what I believe when it says don't take the Lord's name in vain and sort of try to bear the name of God or say that you belong to God that you love and serve God. It says you cannot claim to love God and then hate his children, right? And it just does not add up, you know, and I think that I'd much rather somebody have no faith at all and be loving kind, consider a compassionate patient, caring, then have somebody who claims to know the right belief, quote unquote, and yet has no love in their heart at all. And again, it's a shame because I think this person thinks they're doing the right thing. Yeah. And I wish I could shake them and just so you're missing the whole point. You're missing the whole point. I know. It's like the lemon really did get squeezed a little bit here. Like the moment of being uncomfortable and then it's like the nastiness like really came out and it's like, you've been at this camp for how long? Right. Like do you really think none of the kids you've ever worked with? Right. Don't identify. That's why they haven't come out. And it's just like, it's just like come on. It's like OP here, who is the like director, isn't even saying like, you're done. OP gave them a choice and is like, if you can't have that in your heart and work with this kid, like, right. I don't know if it's a good fit. OP's not even being like, no, you're done. That's messed up. Yeah. And so it's like this person is making their own choice. Yeah. OP, you're not an asshole. You're, you're my hero. Yeah. Not the asshole. And that was the overall vote on the post. Not the asshole. Your instincts were right on this one says the top comment. Health is part of intersectionality. If even one person in a position of power within your small medical community is going to leverage another facet of someone's identity to treat them as other, you will have a culture problem. And quickly, your board is not going to remove you. Go to new for checking. Is it possible for you to leverage the camp's external comms resources to express solidarity during Pride Month or to do something otherwise signal your intentions to accept all it may help mitigate a volunteer who wants to burn your reputation. Because that's the other side of this too. There's all these other volunteers now being like, you reacted too harshly. They got to go. It's just like, I know a girl who runs these, she built these tiny homes in Viselia. And it's like world changing stuff. And she, you know, deals with a lot of donors who are hyper religious and she wears a pride flag pin to show anyone that wants to come stay there, that they're safe. Yeah. And I think it's awesome. She's not herself. She doesn't identify as queer, but she wears that to make it. I'm an ally. Yeah. Exactly. It's appreciated. And and she'll have donors withhold like tens of millions of dollars because of that. And she will say, I don't want your money. I'll find someone else with money because it's not about that. I'm not going to lower the bar or I'm not going to abandon my morals just to get your money into a piece you. And again, it's like I would rather not have your money and find it elsewhere than have money that comes with hate, division and ignorance. You know, so I think it's really admirable what she does. And she really sticks up for what's right at the amount of the cost. And I think that it really just signals to the other people that are part of the community that she cares. And she she's not going to go back on what she believes for a couple extra pennies, a little hundreds of millions of dollars or not pennies. But yeah, no, that's insane. Yeah. It's absolutely incredible. Yeah. It's so funny. People will we're talking about helping the homeless here, right? Where this is it's insane to me how if she's too Christian, they won't donate. And then if she's not Christian enough, they won't donate. And they have these stupid beliefs about what she needs to believe. And I'm like, what we're missing the point here of the humanitarian crisis. This is not about faith. This isn't about your beliefs. This is about making sure people are fed, making sure they're taken care of. And it blows me away the amount of people with money who don't give it away because somebody doesn't believe what they believe. Or they will only give away money under conditions or like certain homeless organizations that say you can only stay here if you memorize these Bible verses or if you pledge exercise or you think like what the fuck are we talking about here? Like they think they're doing God a favor. Like, oh my God. Sorry. I get so fucking wild. Yeah. Well, you're in it. I mean, you're so in it with your organization and it's clearly a passion project for you. And it it's absurd to me. It's just like look at the organization. Is it a cause you believe in helping homeless people? Yeah. Okay. Cool. Is it being run ethically? Yeah. Okay. That's it. Bottom line. Totally. Two questions. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. It's just like it's silly and help people wake up. Yeah. Makes me actually upset. Like last night I was going on a whole rant with my friend in the car about how we have all the resources. And now there's a detour about fuck it. We have the resources to end homelessness to end hunger. There are certain people who could sneeze out money that they would never even know is gone. That could literally solve like majority of the crisis. Isn't that unreal? It makes me so upset. Like billionaires and trillionaires. I'm like, what's what do you need it for? And the thing is they'll tell you they'll justify and go, well, I earn my money fairly or whatever. I'm like, okay, fairly. That's the argument. But still, maybe you didn't earn your money fairly. Yeah. Great. You're technically right. But we're not talking about a matter of did you technically earn money? This is a humanitarian issue. This is an emotional issue. Like how do you sleep at night and not hear the cries of the oppressed and those who are dying of hunger or who are dying in war zone or whatever. Like how does that not keep you up at night? Do you know what I'm saying? Like my brain is fried. Like I'm so overwhelmed with everything going on. And I have to also like take personal responsibility for like, how can I do better? Right. I have to make sure I don't point the finger too much. And remember that I have my own work to do. And that's kind of what Burf Sammy Sundays is we kind of were looking around me like, when are people going to start helping this issue? And we were like, well, if they're not going to do it, we're going to do it. And hopefully inspires more people to do it. And so it took me and read it just deciding like, fuck it. Let's do it. And all of our volunteers have said at one point or another, I've always wanted to do this. I just never knew where or how. And it took me and read a making the decision. And so part of me shakes my fist at those in power that can do something about it that don't. And then I also remember that I also have privilege. And I also have power. And I have to find out how to utilize that. So it leaves out in the comments anyways in which you can be working together to help. No, I just it's so important. And like I heard somewhere like you're like, I'm mom Donnie super fan. I'm like, it's just a great example of like, you can like do these grassroots initiatives that turn out to be so big. And like, I don't think people realize like what he did to help taxi drivers. And they're medallions. And it's just like, I went down a rabbit hole. I mean, the pothole thing is like, how many potholes he's already filled up. Every pothole in New York in one day. It's just insane. So I think there is hope. And it's just like, how can we all come together to like really show up and make a difference. And it can feel so paralyzing where you're like, everything's shit. Yeah. But starting small, starting like an organization or going and volunteering with one that exists. It's yeah. And it's how you start. Yes. Agreed. And finding what your unique gift is, right? Like some people are really gifted speakers. Some people are really gifted bakers. Some people are really good at, you know, there's a whole spectrum obviously of things that people are good at. And it's like, okay, how can you use your gift? How can your purpose and your passion align? How can you do? And again, we were not thinking about like necessarily give away your whole life just for like helping others, although that would be awesome. Like, you know, what about even like 70, 30 where you work 70% and then 30% of it is like making the world a better place. And I just got my first tattoo. It's a spark. Cute. The idea is that one spark and sort of forest fire, one person can change the world. Yeah. And I did the math. And if every single person in the world donated two cents, it would raise $182 million instantly. But if every single person in the world donated two dollars, he would raise over $16 billion instantly. Now think about $20, right? You know, you just keep going from there. Yeah. Everyone thinks like, what change can I make? I'm just one person. But if everyone has a mentality, then no one makes a difference. And if you look in history, it's just a couple of people, very few people who had the courage and had the willingness to say, I'm going to do something if no one else is. But if everyone were to have that mentality, we live in a day and age of connection where we can collaborate in ways that we've never been able to collaborate before. And we see it. There's so many awesome people like Jimmy Darts, who will find a homeless person and will start to go fund me. And you know, 100,000 people will donate a dollar and that person gets $100,000. Yeah. I know they get a house. Exactly. Each person has a small thing to do. I mean, maybe people with more money have more to do. Yeah. Let's just ask the billionaires, right? Yeah. Exactly. Right. And having for a bit, they pay their fair share. But anyways, yeah. Again, I think the more the sooner we understand that we can each do, even a small thing to make the world a better place and never underestimate your ability to change someone's life. Yeah. No. I'm with you. And just getting involved. And I think like to your point of like, just what is your passion? What's your talent? And like, how could you use that? Even baking, someone being like, well, I'm just a baker. How can I help? I don't think people realize that like at food shelves, birthday cakes are like so needed and wanted. It's like, if you're a baker, bake a cake and donate it to the food shelf because when someone is in such a dire place, a birthday cake is like the last thing they're going to prioritize. Yes. But it's so special and so important still. So there are ways for everyone to find their passion, their niche and make it different. Absolutely. I agree. Okay. I have one last one that's like super short just to end us on. Okay. And it's just kind of a reset because a lot of these were super heavy. This last one is coming from true off my chest. It's titled something I saw today reminded me there are still good people out there. I was standing in line at a grocery store today and in front of me, there was a woman with a small child. When it was her turn to pay, her car didn't go through and you could see that she was getting embarrassed because people were waiting behind her. She quietly started putting back some of the groceries on the counter. Then the guy behind her told the cashier, add the rest of her items to his bill and paid for them like it was nothing. He didn't wait for a thank you and just walked away. The woman looked like she was about to cry and that small moment honestly stayed in my mind the whole day because it reminded me that kindness still exists. Yes, amen. It made me think of when I was working at Legoland when I was 16. Oh my gosh. Some guy tipped 50 bucks and that was like like life altering for me and I thought about it for two weeks straight. It was less about having 50 extra bucks and more about how you could be so casually generous, expecting nothing in return. It wasn't even second thought to him like she said and that one act of generosity radically changed my life in the way that I look at generosity and the ripple effect of that went so far beyond what I've ever seen. Obviously, you don't need to be giving people $50. Not everyone has $50 to give away, but little acts like that have such a profound ripple effect on the world and so I try to remember that too that those little acts of kindness like they really do go a long way. Absolutely. So yeah, I love that. I think that's awesome. Good no to end on. Josh, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Everyone check out the book Rookie, but anything else you want to you want to share with people? No, I just think again it goes back to what I said, never underestimate your ability to change someone's life for better or worse. And we all have a part to play in making the world a better place. Absolutely. Thank you so much. All of Josh's links will be in the description. Until next time guys. Bye. Peace. [Music]