Owning Your BS and Facing the Truth Within

I started to feel really sick of myself. This act was just so draining for me. There was no peace in my heart. I literally felt at one point of my life, my feeling you're rotting, you're literally rotting on the inside. My book is not supposed for you to fix it. It's supposed for you to face yourself. When we face ourselves in awe honesty, we strip the beers of its power. Welcome listeners to another episode of the Whole Hutter Podcast. Today, I'm really excited to have my good friend for many years, fellow speaker, trader and coach. Cindy Tian, certified speaking professional. Welcome Cindy to the Whole Hutter Podcast. Hello Cohen. I'm so glad they were doing this finally. Finally, a few months actually. Cindy is very busy. She also wants a podcast. I was on a podcast as well. But finally, she appears on the Whole Hutter Podcast. Yes. What a great time because Cindy has just published a book called Inside, Breakthrough your BS to influence herself. And I think that's what she does. Help leaders to do, right? So Cindy, maybe you'd like to tell us a little bit more about this book first? Yeah, sure. You know what? We actually just did the book launch in November 2025. It was a blast and this was an entire seven-year journey. It has taken everything out of me. Blood Sweat tears, lungs and pancreas. But it was so difficult to write this. Essentially, the heart of this book is about facing yourself very truthfully, very honestly, calling out your own BSs. And by BSs, I mean, it could be blind spot. It could be a both story, which is something that you tell yourself to get out of discomfort. Or it could be your belief system. So I think the idea to this is facing yourself truthfully. And when you can shine a light on your BS, that's when the BS loses its power. So that's what the book is really the heart of it. That's what it's about. Thank you for sharing your verse about a book. We'll dive deeper into the book later and also a bit of your story. So now let's just start with a few standard questions we always ask our guests. First question. What does being wholehearted mean to you? Thank you for sharing the mean that question initially, because it got me thinking a lot about it. What does wholehearted mean? And I was thinking about what does halfhearted means. So this opposite of being wholehearted. So halfhearted means that we do things conservatively. We do things sparingly. We do things probably unwillingly. So wholehearted is the opposite, right? So when I think about somebody who's wholehearted and somebody who probably shows up giving their all, somebody who expresses their love in every communication, cue that their own. Somebody that geeks out in learning about something they're passionate about. Yeah, actually, I just went for a cruise recently with my family and cruise. There's usually a lot of older citizens. And there was a dancing class and I thought, I'm just going to go with my mom. So dancing class is free, 45 minutes. And I saw one lady there. She was just twerking and gyrating and posing. And I was like, oh, no, my hips are stiff. Oh, no, what people look at me. So she was definitely wholehearted. And I was half-hotted. It got me thinking about that because I was actually very uncomfortable in that dance class. But it was also a bit of reflection on myself. Maybe dance is like a thing, but right here, a book. I think I was just conscious of myself. I was just conscious of myself. But it was amazing to see that somebody can just go all out there to engage in something that they love. And I love dance as well. But I had to think about why is it that I'm so uncomfortable. And that brings us to the next question. What do you think are obstacles holding people back from leaving wholeheartedly? I think there are many elements. One of it could be the lack of confidence, right? Like I mentioned earlier, I think we think about confidence. And maybe because I've not attended enough dance classes. So I'm wondering if, hey, do I look weird or not? Like I say, my hips are stiff, right? People are going to look at me and judge me. I think so lack of confidence is one. The other thing could be people might. And this is common exhaustion, right? Like of energy. Yeah. So when I do a full day training, I go back. I do not want to be wholeheartedly with my husband. He wants to be like, here, I want to talk to you. He wants to talk to me. I was in the night and I said, all I want to do is stare at the ceiling. So I can be wholeheartedly with you. So lack of energy exhaustion. And sometimes it's also. lack of permission as well. - Mm-hmm. - I have permission. So when I was writing this book, there were people who came and said, "Senday, there would be asked, it's risky. It's a mildly profane." Yeah. And are you sure that's what you want to put of yourself to the world? And I was like, "But I am quite profane. And I'm somebody who likes to think this." So do I want to own it? Or do I want to be safe about it? And I think in that aspect, I chose to be mojo-hearted, to own that part of myself, rather than to put a safe half-hearted of myself out there. Yeah, you're only the whole part of you. - Yeah. - Yeah, but really, I really like that the piece about the permission. - Mm-hmm. - I like it very often. We are waiting for people to give us permission, right? But you're never going to get the permission for anyone. Just talking to another guest of ours, and she's saying something like, "We sometimes say things like, we miss the train." But the question is, do you even know the train arrived in the first place? So if you even know the train arrived in the first place, how can you have missed the train? Like, what train? Are you waiting for permission? Why are you waiting for? I recently heard this over the Diaries of CEO, the man, and Brenne Bra, was sharing with Stephen Bartlett, right? He said, "He has this system where he comes home from work and she tells her husband, "Hey, dear, I'm on a 10% today. My battery is 10%. Or some day she comes back, I'm on a 50%, I'm on 60%. So after a full day of training, you come back and you can tell her, "Just tell her husband, "Hey, no, I'm on 10% today." And so it is transparent, it is open, it is ho-hearted, - Oh, I never thought of it that way. - Yeah, that's true. That's true. - Yeah, it is real, right? - Yeah. - This can be real. - And I do that. I actually do the embryx. - Express it as a person. - So I will tell you a darling, I'm really not in the mood today. And I'm very troubled by something. Or I'm just so tired that the only thing I do is lie down right now. So I let him know and express it and usually understands. - That's nice. - Yeah, I do that. And also when I, for us, when we do full day training, how tired we get at the end of the day, or any of the levels up all day. So because of that, I'm also very mindful about, that's for me, about meeting people after training. Because I feel that at this age, my energy is limited. It's competitive before. So I feel like if I do that, I will be giving them the leftover of my energy. And I don't really want that. I will rather meet you when I'm fresh. I'm ready and give you my arms. - That's so nice. That's very meaningful. Thanks for sharing that. That's where, that's very meaningful. Now let's talk a little bit about the profanity. - You know, we start right at the end, okay? - Yeah, now we go right there. - Yeah. - I'm known for some time. I've listened to some of your speeches. And your book was so you write about how you used to be a gangster in school. So how did you end up becoming a gangster? How did you get there? - I did beat up people when I was a child, but that was beyond 15 years or I never did any of that anymore. So I think for me, how I got there. And this actually came up when I reflect on my journey. And what had really happened that got me to be there. So I came from a family where my parents, when I was young, both parents were working. My dad used to be a cabin crew and then he retired. My mom has a full-time job as a secretary. And I'm very thankful that both my parents are educated. But on my mom's side, a lot of the uncles and aunties are not educated. So anyway, when we were young, because both my parents had full-time jobs, they did not have the bandwidth to take care of me. So I was being passed from neighbours to nannies. And some of them were kind. Some treated me like I was like a third class, turn it, like I call it, third class, an extra left out piece of co-slaught. So that was tough because I think when I was a kid, I didn't know how to articulate what was happening. My mom was asking me, "How come people were treating you badly and didn't tell us?" I said, "I don't know how to tell." I thought that was normal, right? And then when I was six years old, I was brought home. I was being taken care of by my grandmother, who then already had another 11 children to take care of. So I was, again, the extra one. So in a sense, never really treated as very important and always being felt like, "Okay, you're extra. Know that you're an extra, right?" So there was zero level of, you're important at home. So if I left? Very unloved, very invisible. So when I went to school, I realized that when I acted up and I became a bully, I was very seen. When I threatened somebody and I slapped somebody, I had a lot of applause. Yeah, suddenly I had girls who were like, "Oh, I want to be a part, together with you Cindy, I want to be a part of, in a sense, Cindy's like posse and the gang, right?" So there was Cindy and Karen Cindy and Karen. Another girlfriend was like, "We're beating people up for no reason." And for absolutely no reason just because they're existing. So even threatened people being, people and there was one time I actually slept a girl that was double my size. When I loved it, I was so proud of myself. Finally, you're doing something great with your life. So from invisible to suddenly being powerful and I was rewarded for that. And of course, I chose the power. They would rather be powerful than be invisible anytime. So I can understand why children do the things they do. I totally understand. Wow, thanks for sharing that. Where you say rewarded and we meant psychologically, emotionally. We always want to feel strong, not weak, we don't feel like we belong. We feel one of you important, significant, we want to feel powerful, not vulnerable and at other people's mercy. So it rewarded you emotionally and psychologically, you will fulfill a need. And that is a source of fascination for me as well because I come from a very different background. When I was young, my parents always tell me, study hard. My life was really school, home, homework, extra assessment book, perform well in school. I always perform not because I love studying but because that's how my parents saw me. So I was never like gangster. I was actually the one who picked upon and get bullied. So really talking to you about this really is very interesting. We're intriguing, we're fascinating for me because those opposites are each other. We are like good friends right now. But was that that studying was it something that you wanted yourself or were you like motivated to study your parents? It was very strict and really my mom because I just wanted to please my mom. That's why I saw and for me I studied really to please my mom as a form of not wanting to give my mom no problems, more stress, more pressure. It was very sweet of you and so mature at that age. I wouldn't call it mature like I just wanted to do this, just to please my mom. So I wouldn't call mature. I'll say wanting to please parents is also a part of every child wants to do so. I don't. Okay, it's a maturity. I realized my mom had it tough as well, right? And I made it even tougher for her. I'm like, okay, it's tough on you and I'm going to run away from home now so that you get shit. I honestly wasn't even really thinking about her. I was just thinking about how unwell come I am at home and how much attention and love that I wanted when I was outside. So I did not even think about my parents at that time. So you did. I guess it's a different kind of challenge for me is because of the violence at home and coffee at home, it was about safety for me. Race for you is about love, right? Belonging. I remembered how you and you are staying at the aunties place when your mom would only pick you up to go home on weekends. Yeah. And you say mom can you stay with me for one more like when must I go to aunties house? And I remember where I was in a book. The story is very vivid to me. How you can tell the story better but I just remembered how you excluded at your aunties place, they will be eating supper but you're not invited to eat. When you are with your grandmother, so I share to take care of other 11 kids but that's one thing she favored boys or girls and she actually even verbalized by saying to you nobody loves you. So I can see how that many feel so rejected, may feel like you're an aberration like you don't belong. Yeah and it was so interesting that even at the age right. So again sometimes we wonder why is this child behaving like that? My mom used to ask me why you like that? Your brother is not like that. So this is quote by Gaveum Matejisee trauma is not what happens to you is what happens inside you. Yeah so my brother might have experienced a totally different thing because my grandmother was really nice to him. We were all poor but she wasn't nice to me so I think it's what went on inside me. So sometimes we ask ourselves why is it that children behave the way they do? You never know what actually happened because at that time all I knew is I didn't feel special but I didn't feel that I was being mistreated because they fed me, they gave me food. It wasn't like luxurious things but I was surviving. So sometimes I think a lot of it is that's why I'm so passionate about this idea of emotional intelligence, emotional leadership, emotional resilience because it's not just about knowing how you feel as an adult and it's not just about throwing tantrums is the trauma that hit you, the pain that you ingrained in you when you were a child and that just simmers and it creates a ripple effect in how you behave when you grow up as an adult. Absolutely you. Yeah I think the thing is for you there was a deficit of love, there's one. The other thing is also that deficit of feeling like you're the last one. Yeah. And you don't belong. What you wondered if you was a sense of power and if you really look at it from a flip side, that requires some form of emotional intelligence as well. So you're always very sensitive to the emotional packing order. It takes emotional intelligence to be bullied, sounds weird right, but it takes emotional intelligence to be bullied because one thing about bullies is they know who to pick on. Typically, pick on certain people you can bully. So a certain people you just want to bully. Oh yeah that's true. That's so true. I bullied the nerds. Yeah because you know that they don't have the ability to come back. Some bullies, somebody just want to pick on them because you know what they'll be you back. You just let them, let me twice as hard. You just want to give them a wide berth, you know what you don't want to pick on them. The second half of people that bully don't pick on are people who just don't care. You bully them, you just look at you like okay and then move on. There's no fun bullying people like that but you tend to. You don't get a reaction now out of them. Yes. It's not shook at all. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. If I want to bully you and Jay, you just tell me something intellectual I'm like what? Not interested in this. Don't not the same frequency. So yeah they're not giving you that reaction that you wanted to get out of them and so you're not being rewatered in a sense. So you tend to have this emotional sensitivity, no who you want to pick on. Obviously one is for malevolent because utilization, one of it is utilized in a more benevolent way. So you went from this like bullying school, this alien, and then what do you, when you go next after that, I knew you went somewhere very glamorous. Yeah I did I did actually at a very young age. I figured that by the way I wasn't good at my grades so because I was so uninterested in studying because I started partying at a very young age right, you hang out with the baddies and the bad boys and it was very uninterested in studying so I thought you know what I'm just going to finish my secondary school education. I only took like diploma and degree much later in my life in my 20s I think but I figured that my grades are not good. I'm not going to fight in that game. So I decided that I'm going to cut my education short. I literally dropped all subjects except the three that were necessary for me to get my older level certificate. I'm like that's enough because that's the only thing that will qualify for me to join the airline because at that time and during my time now it's different. In order for me to get into the airline that I wanted to get in, you just need it. I think three old levels if I'm not wrong and especially as long as your English is positive it's good enough. So I was like okay minimally I'm just going to be able to get this. I'm going to be able to go into the airline and yeah I joined the airline and was a flight attendant for six years all the way until I joined when I was 19 I left and when I was 25. You thought of maturity right? Were you mature enough for it to say you know what? I am like a bottom feeder I'm not going to school I'm an alien by most markers of a typical standard Singaporean model student you are basically on the wrong end of it. You were like not doing one in school. You know you basically you suck at school. Do you feel demonized? Do you feel like the worst living you behind? About my crates? Yeah because in this whole narrative in Singapore we go to IT, you're not you're not view-favorable by Singapore society. How do you feel that this day? I never did. I never did because even in my family nobody is like super highly educated. I've got uncles and selfish boss. Okay. My parents both are English speaking. Okay. And they're decent jobs. They are surviving so I never so there wasn't really and I mean we were young right? So at that I'll even my cousins were all young at that age so nobody's really like PhD holders are honest yet. And I figured that you make use of whatever you have and when I was young I'm mostly hanging out with people and even my mom used to tell me she said that do you know that even when you were kid you were already like maturing out of your own age and your own body you hang out people much older than you. So when I was a teenager all my friends were already in their 20s and 30s. I had a boyfriend that was 18 years older than me. Wow. When I was 17 he was eight he was double and one more year older than me. Wow. And he was like doing well he wasn't highly educated so I never felt that. Akademik itu adalah banyak. Jadi, saya rasa terbaik. Akademik itu adalah semua. Semua orang saya selalu beritahu saya. Maksud saya, anak-anak saya, anak-anak saya, mereka yang berlaku. Maksud saya, mereka yang berlaku. Apa yang saya ingat?. saya rasa Yonnih masih tak penting. Awak cuma. pada siapkan, dia minta, "Betulang ada orang yang sudah mengejau". -Tidak. -Tidak mengejau. Pergi lagi untuk kembali, untuk mengejau. Awak cuma perlu melakukan ini. -Nanti ada masa untuk melakukan kembali. -Dia terlalu ada sejak 6 tahun. Awak lebih menjaga, awak lebih mengejau. Awak lebih mengejau. Ketuk, kebincur, kebincur, kebincur, kebincur, atau. Awak masih. awak masih mengejau, dalam awak dan. dia terlalu kembali? Saya rasa ia tak berulang, tapi saya dah lelaki. Tapi saya mengejau, terbuka. Saya rasa. saya rasa terbuka tentang lelaki. Saya rasa melihat lelaki yang lain. Kita semua dapat mempunyai beberapa kumpul yang telah mengejau. Saya tak mempunyai bahawa. kita tak ada orang yang berlaku tentang saya. Saya rasa. saya bergantungan. Saya bergantungan. dia terlalu bergantungan saya. Saya rasa ia tak bergantungan saya. Jika no one gives a shout about you, awak berkata. dan awak berjalan di sini. Saya harap awak menjaga masa ini. Jangan risau. Awak akan berjalan di masa ini. Tidakkan mempunyai beberapa kumpul yang telah mengejau. Saya akan mempunyai beberapa kumpul yang telah mengejau. Pempunyai apabila perempuan awak. saya akan menghubungkan kumpul yang telah mengejau. Or, akan berjalan di Youtube. Jika awak fikir. saya akan berjalan di masa ini. saya akan berjalan di masa ini. Terima kasih banyak. Dan mencari masa yang terbaik. Jadi, selepas itu, saya berjalan di masa ini. Saya rasa ia menjadi lebih kuat untuk tahu. how to be more adaptable. how to work with. how to work with the work that I use as a shout-out. Sebab itu, awak akan berjalan di masa ini. Dan orang-orang yang lebih baik dan orang-orang yang tidak. Saya akan berjalan di masa yang terbaik. Tapi awak selalu perlu berjalan di masa ini. Sebab awak tak tahu kumpul yang sedang berjalan. Jadi, saya rasa ia takkan berjalan di masa ini. Saya rasa ia takkan berjalan di masa ini. -Ia berjalan di masa ini. -Ya. -Ya. -Saya juga. Awak sekarang, awak berjalan di masa ini. Awak ada perjalanan awak, awak berjalan di masa ini. Awak berjalan di masa ini. Awak juga berjalan di masa ini. Jadi, awak ada perjalanan awak, tapi awak juga ada perjalanan awak. Ini seperti. saya rasa ia takkan berjalan di masa ini. Awak tak perlu berjalan di masa ini. Saya rasa ia berjalan di masa ini. Saya takkan berjalan di masa ini. Tapi saya rasa ia takkan berjalan di masa ini. Saya berjalan di masa ini. Mereka menjaga kecil, mereka sangat femenin. So sitting at the doctor's office and he told me, "You now have the hip joints of a 90-year-old woman. Both your hip joints have totally degenerated." Yeah. You think about what you're going to do. But there's a high chance you're going to be living your life in a wheelchair. Wow. And at that time, when he told me that I was like about 25, 26 years. And eventually, I went for a total hip replacement to solve the problem. So what they had to do was to literally talk about being gone. They had to cut off both my hip joints. Cut off. Because the joints is diseased and it's gone. Cut it off and then they put a hip in the plant inside. Just titanium screws? Yes. It's like literally like an implant. It's almost like this long. Wow, with a head. With a head and then the thing goes inside the bone. And then with the foam moral head and the caps. It's quite crazy. It's quite crazy. I can't even imagine that I went through that. 20 over years ago. So I give a permission not to dance at that cruise ship. That's why you have Steve Hitch. Yeah, I think I've Steve Hitch. But it's also because I haven't moved for too long. I had to get a private trainer to work with. So after the cabin crew, you went to MNC, a multinational corporation in a bank. You were doing well in sales. Yeah, yeah. So I think at that time, I got introduced to a job, a corporate job through a friend. And from there, like slowly climbed the ladder. From there, I got, I then went to join a bank. And then from that bank, I got invited to join another bank. Yeah, so I was doing sales all the way. Primarily, corporate sales and account management. Doing very decently well, quite favored by my boss. Got good friends. Really decently known in the company. And I think that was the time where I decided that, "Hey, I think it's about time for me to educate myself even further and to go and get a degree, a diploma and a degree there." Got a little bit more serious with my career than. Wow. I was so happy that you have this journey of healing, of recovery, of, you know, your better health now. You're doing well in your career. But what you see is that the turning point, that's the moment things really just turn it out for you. I think there were multiple turning points in my life. They were multiple. And I can't say it was a one time, like, oh, 180 degrees. But one little turning point was that, Cindy, you really messed up your own body. You really messed up your own body. Because of the fact that I was struggling with all the jealousy and all that stuff, I was dieting at the same time. So can you imagine how messed up my body is? I couldn't sleep, I was taking pills. I was into alcohol, I was dieting and I remember the dieting was so bad that I would starve myself for 24 hours. I would then eat up a storm of food because you and I know we both like eating. And then after eating, I feel so much easier to put myself inside and vomit out. So, what do you get yourself? So messed up, yeah. So messed up. And it was, I remember losing weight at one point to almost 38 kgs. That's it. That's a thousand ridiculous. And I remember sitting on the chair and feeling pain in my butt because literally the bones in my butt were jutting out on the chair. That was how painful it was. I remember feeling like I was damn sexy. I have no idea why I felt that way. Yes or so, when the doctor, because when we found out about the condition, the doctor had to ask me like, what is your lifestyle? How did this happen? Because my mother was saying, hey, this is, we don't have family history of this. How did this happen to you? So the doctor started probing my lifestyle and he eventually came to the conclusion that it was alcoholism. Exaggerated by substance abuse. So that was the turning point that one turning point that realized everything that has happened is you have done this to yourself Cindy. Nobody did this to you. You messed up your own body. And now your body is coming back to haunt you. So that was one turning point. That's why you wrote this book by insight. Because when you talk about what's inside your body, inside your heart, inside your psychology, it's because on the outside you seem to be doing well. I'm not, maybe I'm already doing well, meeting people at school is considered doing well. But at least you have power over your power. Yeah, your power over something, right? Maybe not power too. Power to serve others, but maybe power over other people. But at least there's some power, some for power, right? But then you were glamorous, cabin crew, you were glamorous lifestyle, looking pretty on the outside. And then you were doing in a bank, what MNC, your top sales, do we top sales? Sometimes top sales. We always had a different ladder, right? To do that, right? Yeah, it's really recognised. I think, and yeah, so I think all the reasons why I also wrote this book was because I think my almost like my entire life, majority of my jobs rewarded me for being really good on the outside. You're very attractive and you're also like, does it compliment? But yeah, that was so messed up inside. Sorry. It was almost like, I described it as, Apple, that's so nicely polished, but inside is infected with parrotsites. I literally felt at one point of my life, and this was so strange. I remember staring at the ceiling and telling myself, "Cindy, you're rotting, you're literally rotting on the inside." And I felt it that something is very wrong with me. So multiple turning points, but the body breakdown was probably one of the first ones. My hair was falling out because of all that messing up with the body. Yeah, so really, there's a moment you really have to take a long, hard look at yourself inside, what's inside you, and really ask of it all that is. But look, so many people are not really to look inside themselves, because the holding the mirror up to themselves is so scary, because they are afraid of what they will see in the mirror. It's just so scary, right? It's like, many people, I know I would have locked clients, so sometimes we try to help them excavate what's on the inside. Such a scary thing. It doesn't mean I just want to avoid it. It's just like, "Did you patch it?" Or patch it, everything, or outside their way. Good looking external life. But it just don't want to appear inside. How do you actually inspire people to, like, give people permission to look inside? I had to work through it myself, right? So I think training ourselves to be speakers and book writers is a very cathartic process. I've got a couple of mentors and people that I really admire. And the thing I kept hearing is Cindy write your truth, Cindy write your truth. What is my truth? If I write my truth, I have to face the truth myself. What exactly was I struggling with at the time? Because one of my dear friends is on Mary Annaheer, she says, "Sindy, if it's not your truth, I don't want to read it." So I'm like, "Okay, what would be a book that I want to read?" Always struggling with them. You mean while writing the book? No, not just writing a book, but your truth, right? I never knew that I had low self-esteem issues until when I was in my 30s. When I was younger, I never felt that I had. I thought that I was. So confident, girl, you're wearing short skirts. High heels and mid-drip looking like a skankier version of Julli Roberts, but. I just thought that. This is my style, but the truth is. I had low self-esteem. I wanted to get certain type of attention that was really no good, but any type of attention is attention that I wanted. Now that I'm grown up, I realise. That's why you were jealous. Yeah, I was jealous, I was competitive. I never would admit that I'm jealous. Who wants to admit that you're jealous? That's a very difficult thing to do. I think for me, it was a very difficult thing. What show up that light that you're jealous? What was that? What was the moment you realised you had this belief system? You have this BS. I think it was. Being even toxic to people I'm jealous about. Talking bad about them. And even doing little things that it's very unhealthy. So, for example, I had this girlfriend home. I was very jealous of. The job I was in in the airline. And I was like this guy that was going off to her and going off to me at the same time. Then I went to. And we were actually pretty good friends first before getting to know this guy. Because I was so jealous of her when to tell this guy bad things about her. Which is very unbecoming, which is very. Not a good friend, a good friend wouldn't do that. So I became that person. Wow. Which I didn't even. Hard but. How about part of me? So, it's all refreshing for you to be able to admit this openly right now. And of course, with your book, Framework is about a BS, right? It's like a book story, your blind spot, your belief system, right? So, it's part of that. Which BS was that? I think this one was the book stories. I told myself that since this guy, it's behaving like that. And since this girl is also behaving like that, then I should just do this. But the truth is, however they are behaving, it's one issue and what I did is another issue. Yeah. So I think that was the book story. So you wanted to win the guys' affection? I wanted to win and I also wanted to make him see her badly. That's what I really wanted. Because you wanted her, him to like you, or you wanted her team to see her badly. Because if he sees her badly, obviously, you'll come to you. I think I wanted him to see her badly. Is there a bit of Shadden fighter there? Is there a bit of Shadden fighter? Seeing people suffer, like. Do I want him to actually. I don't know where that I already had another boyfriend, but it's all like toxic and like 20 or Years ago, but I think a big part of it is was This is one example. I don't know whether I can immediately think of other examples, but I know of Again, the struggle was a low self esteem. They being always very jealous of people always very Self-occupied the preoccupation of what will people see of me? How do I look like today? Everything I do is doing for myself It's just those behaviors by expensive things you cannot afford get yourself into shitloads of debt It was always these kinds of things I was struggling with and some people would say Okay, that's because I really enjoy high-quality things You spent the 30,000 behind this reddit bag and I was wrong with the other bag So I think there's nothing wrong with doing it But the point is at least on up to the fact as to why you do it. I love it. I love it. Yeah Only up your own beer. Yeah, yes because I wish you that own up to it the fact that you cannot do sales It's not because Okay, you're not great at it. That's one But it's also because you crumble when you get rechecked the at least own up to it So that's why I always say that my book is not supposed for you to fix it It's supposed for you to face yourself and I truly believe that when we face ourselves in all honesty We strip the beers of its power. It's yes, it's there. I'm gonna acknowledge that you're there Then the question is what am I gonna do with this VS? But if you're doing one acknowledge is just literally humming you in the dark Normally people would normally talk about their curriculum be tight like CV curriculum be tight But who I'm sure I really is like today. You're just coming on this podcast and sharing your curriculum. Horrible is all the mess up All the shit. Oh my god. Yeah, the she's coming out. Yeah, just owning up to all the shit you're going through You know all the jealousy or the bitchiness like everything and soon refreshing you hear that no Sydney So refreshing here because the moment you acknowledge it We're done surface it. Yeah, we're done. We're done. It's gone. It doesn't hold a power Exactly. You're not you are no longer a Slave to it. I keep you out of the charades. Yes. Yes, and yeah This is my struggle and I am still working on it rather than I don't even want to acknowledge just a struggle Then you will always be holding having a foothold and once it's a foothold in the long run it becomes a stronghold And then your whole life you are being chained by that stronghold For the fact is that we don't just want to admit it It's so freedom giving. I'm so empowering so inspiring I was very inspired by a launch when you shed the speech and I just really go back and start writing down a lot of my BS And we're just owning it and just be very honest with myself. I Think most important people said that we cannot be lying to ourselves. Yes, because we are we live with ourselves Yes, we carry the same thoughts feelings and everything to our bed every night and Sometimes we will like we will not be by video games Netflix, alcohol, chocolates We not we not be by feeling our cameras with stuff But not actually sitting down and really realizing that it's all this toxicity and all this trauma that we actually haven't metabolized and release is who on us that we keep carrying out with us through our life And that's why we live so we live our life. We don't travel like me. We carry this with us. Yes, yes, exactly And we don't know who we are We don't know who we are. We cannot deal with the root of the problem. I was once on a cap with a good friend of mine and then this person We're just having a chat with the cab driver and then the cab driver asked this friend of mine So what do you do for living? So this friend of mine? He does a regular corporate job and my this friend of mine lied to the driver and said that I'm a business owner Yeah, so I've said I got down the cab with this guy. I said, why did you lie to him? And I remember him telling me just for fun and this was an example of somebody for me Was somebody who refused to admit the fact that the reason why it's because you're probably Not very proud of yourself that you're a corporate person. That's why you have to lie So I feel at that point so it's more like you might want to question yourself and ask yourself Why did you have to lie about this? But a lot of people are very uncomfortable with probing so we choose to Hi, we don't look at ourselves in a mirror or sometimes we put a filter over photos Which is commonly what we do I do it as well. Yeah, after a long while we become so used to this filter We see life through that rose tinted glasses. Yeah, I Want to believe that filter. I want to have an ex-girlfriend who would never ever leave home without makeup Even if she goes to the supermarket she needs to pull on makeup She got good makeup skills like she's she's already quite attractive But she needs people to see her as always be very attractive. She's the type that she works in MRT all the heat turns on Yeah Of course, there was very much younger when I was dating her and It was not a very empowering relationship. Let's just put it that way But I was clean on to it for so long because at the time I wasn't so mature yet and dating A very hot girlfriend I did give me self-esteem and I remember staying in a relationship way too long Yeah, I don't put a blame on her. I think I was part of that that the mess myself was why I invited her up on my life and I Couldn't walk away from that relationship every time She threw a fit and tantrum. I always find myself apologizing to her and trying to maintain that that relationship because I feel like if I lost her I will never find another one like that Because she's pretty and everyone just worships her and There was no way no way helpful for me, but yeah, sorry. I just went on this No, I think it's great. It's great. So this also and because I had a relationship. There was quite similar to this So it isn't a very classic case of both of you are trauma bonding right so she probably had own trauma That's why she had that struggle and you also had your own trauma. So when two trauma stricken person come together You you get stuck for a long time. Yep, and that's The things law healing law things law healing to overcome that and I'm glad I really look deep in some as I went on a lot of my BS before I Feel like a lot of us like our BS is I use the black box. I know it's a way Very tragic example not a good example, but I can't imagine this as a good one because I can't imagine a better one because every time I'm a aviation geek so I always watch a crash investigation Sorry, not not to clear the door Fuse a go away your former Kevin crew experience, but every time that I have a blank crash right they always Investigators go in they always look for what's called a black box the flight data recorder when they record what happened So they can investigate and find out what happened right so that investigation process take months But what happens usually after we had a car crash Blink crash or like a car crash like metaphoric car crash or a blank crash of Relationship book get broke up. I went into depression. I spiral downwards. I sometimes even get suicidal format for my breakups Then we tend to numb ourselves with drinking we get a haircut We go to the gym trying to look fit so that we look hot enough for the next partner But we actually go and examine what are those emotional The things that actually lead to the relationship crashing like that and so I once really Take a very foreign sick approach to rig when you say what was the moment? What run through my head? Why was I so addicted to this? Why was I always like pining for her love? Why what when she rejected me what caused me to go on this rich rampage? What caused me to go and stock her what makes force me to go and do us all these and I really uncover so uncomfortable Also painful, but it was necessary was cathartic. I needed to release the whole of those toxic and non-productive behavior Before I feel I really to meet the right person and I was going through This Cycle nowhere and over again really just really replay my my trauma with my mom Trying to please them trying to protect them. So I was very attached attracted to girls who are Broken because they are able to protect them the way I couldn't protect my mom And then I would then approach be attracted to girls who are very emotionally distant because my mom was emotionally distant to me She had an emotional challenges, but she couldn't be she wasn't able to hold my emotions I come back. I told mommy I was very sad today. No friend. No one talked to me She always tell me don't think all these things just focus on study. Do better than other people in school can we do? So I always part of some of my emotions And I just focus on my studies as my mom tell me to do So I always attracted to women who are so who are very emotional distance So I'm trauma-bonding both ways. So I keep flipping between Women who are very needy and I can give them love, but then it because it's my rescuer complex Then I get attracted to women who would be very distant because they're familiar And then I will find myself being a needy one always needing their love until they they just give out on me and they dumped me So I was just going to go into all these things before I really finally sat down and go to a lot of therapy work before I I clear out all these BS so that's my own story of how I Arrive to where I am now. That's wild, you know So wild that's so wild and I'm glad you did that work because I know of people that I've known for a year since we were in school days Who are still stuck in their own BS Still not owning up to it So dealing with the same problems, so on that vicious cycle. same trauma, same behavior, same result. Sindi, saya lihat banyak orang yang berlaku di dalam tempat yang berlaku di dalam tempat yang berlaku di dalam tempat yang berlaku dan tempat yang berlaku di hari ini yang berlaku, yang berlaku di hari ini yang berlaku di dalam tempat yang berlaku di dalam tempat yang berlaku di dalam tempat yang berlaku beberapa years ago, beberapa years ago, how your marriage was on averse on averse on breaking down because of COVID and then you're having a lot of challenge your husband. But where you to wear or how you to wear or how you to sleep and put all these things out there, this is so brave of you. It's like it comes from a place of really truly wanting to connect and your book is such a wonderful invitation for people to really connect with themselves to really own their BS so that they can free themselves so that they can go out there and really live life more who are the sick relationships can have people more who are the sick relationships can have people more who are the sick relationships can have people more who are the sick relationships can have people more who are the sick relationships can have people more who are the sick relationships can have people But that question was that, "Oh my God, you are projecting all your fear "and all your fear into this person." Once again, so much candor. Once again, so much candor. Who is a mentor supporter who is a mentor supporter who is a mentor supporter who has made the biggest defense who has made the biggest defense in her life. You've got so many nice mentors. Macam mana ada! Saya suka ujian bila saya mainkan untuk buat apa. Ia grâce-nahme pada kawan-- Bu关iaete, bukan, semua. Saya okey. Casai tengok alam Wetek. Ult Jeez ini, semua Beng Funong. Tak bermakuni yang senyakan semua ini, kesaneng osi o Not袬. Beritahu turun atas sedi調nya adalah takkar adviser. Tak kebuatan,iryhan setiap rali saya nampak. Dan kemudian, saya takkan beri banyak. Dan kemudian, saya beri ujian bila saya beri ujian bila saya beri ujian bila saya. Terima kasih, Sendi tengok.com. Kalau kamu nak melihat saya, dan kawan-kawan saya, saya akan beri atas. Terima kasih. Kita akan berikan link di Shunos Bila. Dan kamu boleh berikan dengan Sendi. Saya jadikan yang terbaik. Kamu juga boleh berikan. Ini sangat berbual. Terima kasih banyak. Terima kasih banyak. Dan. Ya, saya akan berikan dengan kembali lagi. Terima kasih banyak. Terima kasih banyak. Terima kasih, Sendi. Terima kasih. Terima kasih banyak. Sendi berikan dengan Sendi. Sendi berikan dengan kembali sangat kawan-kawan. Karena saya ada nama dia untuk tahun. 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