Overwhelmed by Sobriety Advice? Here’s How to Actually Start

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. This podcast is about what it really takes to stay sober, healing the patterns underneath the behavior so you're not just abstinent but actually building a stable honest alcohol free life. And you know what's wild? The thing that's supposed to save your life might be the very thing keeping you from starting it. I'm talking about all the sobriety voices out there. There are so many podcasts and books and independent groups and traditional groups. It's a lot of advice that can get confusing. Go to meetings every day, get a sponsor immediately, work the steps, try this program, no, try this program, detox here, don't detox there. You must do it this way or you'll fail. And here you are just trying to figure out how to get through today without a drink. And everybody's got a different rule book they swear is the best way. Today I want to clear up some of the noise and give you some clarity. But before we dive in, if this is your first time here, welcome. I know how hard it is to even decide to look for help. So the fact that you're listening right now is huge. And if you've been here before, welcome back. I love you and thank you for hanging out with me. And a quick heads up if you have tried to play some older episodes recently and they weren't working, I'm so sorry about that. And that issue is fixed. One of my powerhouse clients from the UK, Lisa, reached out to me like a week ago and she's like Angela, I was trying to listen to some episodes from like 2023 and 2024 and none of them would play. So that sent me down a rabbit hole that consumed my entire weekend, going in behind the scenes and fixing every single episode individually and there were a lot. So Lisa, thank you for letting me know I had no idea anything was even broken. And to anyone else who had that same experience, I apologize and you are good to go now. Everything should be working perfectly. And if you come across something not working, please message me. I love hearing what's going on so I can fix it. All right. Now let's get into this information overload that leads to analysis paralysis. You gather so much information that you can't make a move because you don't know which move is the right move because there are so many options. And listen, I've been sober since 2006. I've watched thousands of people navigate early sobriety. And you know what I've learned? The people who stay sober aren't the ones who follow the right program or advice. They're the ones who decide they're not drinking anymore and give it everything they've got. And today I just want to cut through the noise. I want to talk about the actual truth of the whole situation. And I want to start with success rates. So you used to always hear this, especially if you went to treatment, they would always give you the statistic. And it used to be that it's 10% across the board, right? 10% success rate for long term sobriety, no matter what. Treatment or no treatment, AA or no AA, any program, no program, at all, 10% success rate. And you might hear that in saying, wow, that sucks. That's not very encouraging at all. And it's not. You're right. But you know what that statistic says to me? It tells me it's not about the program. It's about you. It's about your effort, your commitment, your willingness to show up for yourself. And here's a more current statistic because 2020 changed a lot of the numbers. And we're still waiting to see how that pans out big picture. But check this out, there are more recent studies. And this one was done by Stanford University and it was published in 2020. And it found that AA can be significantly more effective than other interventions. And some studies show it can be up to 60% more effective than the alternatives. And I just love this for all my anti-AAs out there. It just warms my little 12-step soul. But here's the truth of that too. I don't think AA is more successful because they have some magic that no one else has. AA didn't reinvent the wheel. What I believe is the true difference is time, experience, and wisdom. They've just been doing it longer than anyone else. So they've been through more shit. They have processes in place to deal with all the shit alcohol expiring. And they utilize principles that are tried and true from the beginning of time. You know, a lot of the principles in alcoholics anonymous are like from ancient philosophy. Like I said, AA didn't reinvent the wheel. They just took all the best shit and put it together. Some of the phrases that are common in AA come from stoicism from the 1600s or that phrase this too shall pass. That's from a Persian fable from the 13th century. Right? Like again, AA didn't reinvent the wheel. It's just that there are more meetings in more places with more members, more experience, more stability, more leadership because they've been doing it longer than anyone else. And here's another truth for you. A program doesn't work or not work. Okay? I love all the programs because I want people to have help. I don't give a fuck what room you want to sit in and what book you want to read. Whatever gets you out of your ego driven bullshit and allows you to show up for yourself, I support that 100%. I don't care what program it is. But understand, the program isn't working. You work or don't work. You do the things, take the actions, follow guidance or you don't. That has nothing to do with a treatment program, a support group, a therapist or anything else. Your success is your decision. So if you're overwhelmed, if you're stuck in analysis paralysis, listening to all the things, feeling even more confused about what to do, if you're waiting for someone to tell you the right way to do this, then you're in exactly the right place. So let me paint a picture for you. You finally admit you need to get sober, right? Maybe it took you months or even years to get here. Maybe it was one horrible morning, was the game changer or maybe it was like me, a really slow drawn out realization. Either way, you're ready. So what do you do? You start looking for help, the podcast, the books, the social media accounts and Facebook groups. And that's when it hits you. The old timers in AA tell you you need a meeting every day, you need to get a sponsor right away, you need to work the steps to a tee. And you know what? That worked for them. That's their truth. That's what saved their lives. And I have mad respect for that. Then you've got people who have been sober, I don't know, 10 plus years or those of us who are a little more modernized, who teach a different approach, do it your way. You don't have to follow the doctrine perfectly, find what works for you. And then there are newer recovery voices teaching something completely different, approaches that aren't AA friendly at all, science-based recovery, harm reduction, medication-assisted treatment, all valid, all helping people. So now you're sitting there with all these voices in your head, all these different paths, and you're thinking, which one is right? What if I pick the wrong one and fuck it up? Well, here's what nobody's telling you. There is no wrong way. Let me say that again because I need you to hear it. The program doesn't decide your success. You do. You don't need permission from anyone to pick your path. You don't need to wait until you find the perfect program. You just need to pick something, any path that resonates with you, and give it everything you've got. The people who succeed aren't the ones who picked the right program. They're the ones who committed fully to their program. They're the ones who stopped waiting for perfect and started working with what they have. So if you're overwhelmed right now, if you're drowning in advice and opinions and you should do it this way, messages, I want you to take a breath because I'm about to make this very, very simple for you. Okay, no matter what program you choose, no matter what path you take, there are three foundational pieces that need to be in place to build strong sobriety. I call them Reset Calm Connect. These aren't steps you do one time, check it off the list and move on. This is how you start getting from one day sober to the next, feeling some relief, and start seeing life differently so you can continue getting from one sober day to the next. And you know what the beautiful thing is, you can build these foundations in any program, AA Smart Recovery Therapy on your own, it doesn't matter. These three things are universal. And I'll tell you another insider secret. If you have resistance, you're probably not ready. So let's start with foundation number one. First you need to reset. And I mean reset three specific things, your mindset, your environment, your expectations. Let's start with mindset. You've been thinking about alcohol or drugs in a certain way for years, maybe even decades. You've told yourself stories about what they can do for you. I need it to relax. I'm more fun when I drink. I can't handle stress without it. I can't deal with all the feelings. Right. Getting sober means detoxing from those thoughts just as much as detoxing from the substance itself. Your new mindset is I'm capable of handling my life without substances. I'm worth the effort this is going to take. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to keep trying. That's it. You don't need to suddenly believe you're going to be sober for 30 years. You just need to believe that you can get through today. Second, reset your environment. Your physical space matters more than you think. If everything in your home, your car, your office, your daily routine is set up for drinking, then you're making this much harder than it needs to be. Look at your space, your physical space, and your digital space. And ask yourself, like what's keeping me stuck in my old life? And I can't tell you exactly what needs to go or how to do it because that's personal to you in your situation. I don't know those things about you. That's what we do in personal coaching. But you need to make it harder to make the impulsive choice and easier to make the sober one. Third, reset your expectations. And this is a big one because this is where people get tripped up. Here's what you need to know. Early sobriety doesn't have to be miserable. It can be uncomfortable, but that discomfort is optional. If you only remove the alcohol, but change nothing else in your life, if you keep living the exact same way, going to the same places, doing the same things just without the drink in your hand, yeah, you're going to be uncomfortable. You took away your coping tool, but didn't replace it with anything. Of course it feels uncomfortable. But if you're actually doing the work, if you're resetting your environment, calming your nervous system every day, connecting with people on this journey with you, then early sobriety is challenging. Sure, but it's not unbearable. It's not this endless pit of suffering. I mean, trust you guys, if it sucked, none of us would do it. Right? If it was that freaking horrible, there wouldn't be tens of millions of sober people all over the planet. Nobody would get through it. But remember, sometimes things are uncomfortable just because they're new, not because they're bad. So the expectation you need to reset is you get out of sobriety what you put into it. If you want to feel better, you have to do things to make you feel better. You have to build new habits, new routines, new ways of calming yourself and handling stress. You can't do nothing and wonder why you feel like crap. That's not sobriety failing you. That's you not showing up for yourself. So expect that this will take effort. Expect that you'll have to make changes. But also expect that if you do those things, if you actually make a commitment, you can feel good a lot faster than you think. The second foundational piece is calm. You need to find things that calm your mind, your nervous system and your anxiety and you need to make them daily practices. Here's why this matters. You used substances to change how you felt, to calm anxiety, to numb pain, to quiet the noise in your head. Now that tool is gone. So what's going to replace it? This is another spot where people fuck things up. They think willpower alone will carry them through, but willpower is a muscle that gets exhausted. You need actual tools to regulate your nervous system. And let me break that down real quick because if you don't understand what your nervous system is doing, then you won't understand why you feel the way you do. Your nervous system is basically your body's alarm system. When you're stressed or anxious or triggered, it goes into fight or flight mode. Your heart races, your breathing gets shallow, your body floods with stress hormones. Maybe for some of you, you feel it as a knot in your stomach or tension in your shoulders and jaw. Maybe you can't sit still, you're pacing, fidgeting, constantly moving. Maybe you feel foggy and disconnected like you're watching your life from outside your body. You might snap at people for no reason or just feel like you want to crawl out of your skin. It feels bad, right? For years, you've been using substances to shut that alarm off, to calm it down, to make your body feel safe again. So if you don't learn how to calm your nervous system yourself, how to tell your body we're safe, we're okay, we can relax. And you're just going to be stuck in that fight or flight state all day, every day. And then you're absolutely going to relax because feeling like that all the time isn't sustainable. So when I say you need tools to regulate your nervous system, I mean you need practices that physically calm your body down, that bring you out of panic mode and into a state where you can think clearly and make good choices. Maybe it's breath work. Maybe it's walking. Maybe it's yoga or meditation or screaming into a pillow. It might be cold showers or hot baths or listening to the same song on repeat or sitting in your car singing at the top of your lungs. It doesn't matter what it is. What matters is that you do things daily, not just when you're triggered, not just when you're struggling, but every single day. Because here's what happens. When you practice calming your nervous system every day, you build resilience. You teach your body that it can regulate itself and you prove to yourself that you have tools that work. And when the cravings hit, when the anxiety spikes, when everything feels impossible, you have something to reach for that isn't a substance. So pick one thing, just one. Something that makes you feel even 10% calmer and do it today. Then do it again tomorrow. Build the habit before you need it out of desperation. So many people want to wait and not do anything until the shit hits the fan. Right? Like why do you want to wait until like why don't you make yourself feel better? So when the shit hits the fan, it doesn't feel like that big of a deal. That's the better approach. Okay. The third foundation is connect. You have to spend time with people who are on the same journey you're on. I don't care where you find them. Traditional support groups online forums, sober Instagram therapy groups, addiction counseling. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you have people to talk to, learn from and laugh with. But here's the thing. And this is important. You need two layers of connection. You need people who are with you right where you are, right? Whether that's like your oldest, dearest best friend from high school who's been with you forever, your partner, if those people that are in life with you, it could also be friends who are also trying to get sober, right? People you can text at midnight when you're struggling. People who get it because they're living it too. That's your support layer, the people who walk beside you. But you also need people who are ahead of you. People who have more time sober, who have already walked the path you're on. People who can give you guidance on how to get through the hard days, the triggering situations, the irritations that make you want to drink. You can't just white knuckle this with a buddy who's also on day five, right? You need people with experience who can show you it gets easier, who can tell you what actually works, who can remind you what you're working toward. So your closest people will support you and cheer you on, but you need the other layer, the people with more experience to guide you. You can't do this alone. I know you won't. want to. And I know you think you should be strong enough to handle it by yourself, but isolation is where sobriety goes to die. When you're connected to other people in recovery, three things happen. One, you realize you're not uniquely broken. Everyone in early sobriety goes through the same things. Everyone questions if it's worth it. Everyone has intrusive thoughts about drinking. You are totally normal. Two, you learn from people who are a few steps ahead of you. They show you it gets easier. They share what worked for them. They give you hope. And three, you get to help people who are a few steps behind you. And that's when sobriety starts to feel meaningful. That's when you start to see the point of all this hard work. So find your people. Show up even when you don't want to, especially when you don't want to. Connection is not optional. It's foundational. Okay, so now you understand the three foundations reset, calm connect. These are your non-negotiables. These are what you build your sobriety on no matter which program or path you choose. So how do you actually pick your path? Again, I need you to hear there is no wrong way. The right way is whatever you are willing to show up for consistently. It doesn't matter what process or steps or format a program has. The only thing that matters is whether you are committed to showing up. That's what I meant earlier when I said it's not about the program. It's about you. So think about who you are and how you thrive. Do you like structure? Do you do better with flexibility? Do you need a group or do you prefer one-on-one support? And for fuck's sake, stop expanding all your energy thinking about what you aren't willing to do and figure out what you are willing to do. I worked with a guy years ago, many years ago, and spent 30 minutes, 30 minutes of our session telling me all the reasons he doesn't like groups. So he didn't want to go to outpatient and why he didn't want to go to AA. It was exhausting. And finally, I was like, dude, I don't care what you aren't willing to do. You just wasted 30 minutes of our lives talking about something that has zero fucking impact on your sobriety. Who cares? Let's spend our time figuring out what you are willing to do. Because here's the truth, it doesn't matter where you won't go. It's a non-issue. So don't waste your life talking about and thinking about what won't help you, right? Move on. Move on to what you are willing to do so you can actually make some progress and feel better. It's pointless to spend any amount of time talking about what you won't do for yourself. Focus your energy on what you will do. So pick something. Pick the thing that feels accessible to you right now. Not perfect, not ideal, just accessible for right now. That's another piece. Whatever you pick doesn't mean you got to do it for the next 75 years. Like we're just talking about right now. The thing you're actually willing to show up for. Do you like structuring community? Then maybe a traditional support group is your thing. Do you like science and practical tools? Then maybe one of my private programs is a good fit or one of the other sober podcasters. We all have programs and communities. Do you do better with one-on-one support than maybe a therapist or private coaching is what you need? There is no wrong answer here. The only wrong choice is not choosing at all. So pick one. And then, and this is the most important part, give it your full attention. Don't half-ass five different things. Fully commit to one path. Go to the meetings if that's what you picked. Show up to therapy and do the work if that's what you picked. Whatever you choose, do it all the way. And here's another piece. Whatever you pick needs to actually work for you, right? You need to feel supported. You need to start enjoying showing up. Okay, you're going to be anxious at first. We all are. You get over it. You'll get over that part. When you get over that initial anxiety, you need to start enjoying showing up and you should start to look forward to it. Whether that's to a group or a one-on-one session, you also need to walk away feeling like you got something out of it. You need to feel challenged and you need to be learning. And your sobriety needs to be continuously improving. Those are the criteria that I want you to think about to figure out if something's actually working. So I want you to pick something. I want you to give it your all, right? Don't half-ass it. Give it your all for a period of time. I'm going to say 30 days, give it your all. At 30 days, reassess and go, okay, do I feel supported here? Am I enjoying showing up here? Is this working for me? Am I challenged? Am I learning? Is my sobriety better? Like, that's your criteria. Now, if you've been going somewhere for weeks or months and you're not feeling better, you're not learning anything, you're not connecting with anyone, before you decide that program doesn't work, you need to ask yourself one question. Am I actually participating or am I just present? Because presence is not equal to participation. I just did a whole episode about this. I'll link that in the show notes for you to episode 418. So are you showing up to online meetings with your camera off? Are you going to meetings with 200 people where you can hide in the crowd and most of the other people have their cameras off too? Because that's not participation. That's misery loves company. Are you listening for the helpful tidbits when other people share their journey? Or are you just finding all the ways you're different so you can tell yourself you're not that bad? Listen, I can sit right next to someone in a meeting and hear the exact same words through the whole hour and we'll come out with two completely different messages. Because I'm listening for value. I'm listening with empathy and support and love. I'm also listening for what I can give, not just what I can take. Newer people, they're listening for all the ways they don't fit. All the reasons this doesn't apply to them and all the things they don't like. And of course, our message and our progress will be different. So if you're not improving and feeling better, first check yourself. How are you showing up? Because remember, your outcome is solely based on your input. It's not about the room you're sitting in. If you're showing up fully, camera on, introducing yourself, actually talking into people, listening for value, doing the homework, asking questions, and it still doesn't feel beneficial, then move on, try something else. But if you're hiding, if you're just watching other people do the work while you sit in the back, that's not the program failing you. Go to meetings every day if that's what you picked. Read the books cover to cover. Show up to therapy and do the homework. And if you're thinking, okay, I get the foundations, but I need help actually doing this work, not just knowing about it. That's what my recovery starter kid is for. Step-by-step lessons, worksheets, checklists, conversation starters for the hard talks. It walks you through building these three foundations with actual tools, not just concepts. And I'll link that in the show notes if you want that level of support. Or you know you can always book a call with me and we can talk about it. Because here's what I know after years of watching people succeed and relapse. The people who make it aren't the ones with the perfect program. They're the ones who decided they were ready and they acted like it. They stopped waiting for permission, they stopped looking for guarantees, they picked something and they fought for their sobriety like their life depended on it because it does. So if you're sitting there right now, overwhelmed and stuck in wondering if you can really do this, yes, yes you can. Listen, if I can do this, I promise you you can. I had all the same anxiety, I cried, I was scared, I didn't want to, I wasn't ready, I had no idea how it was going to be or what, how it was going to feel or if it would suck. All I knew is if I kept drinking, it was going to continue to slowly destroy my life and probably kill me and sobriety wouldn't do either of those things. That's literally all I had to go on. You don't need to have it all figured out. You don't need to know what the next year looks like. You just need to know what you're doing today. Today you're going to reset one thing, your mindset, your environment, your expectations pick one. Today you're going to do one thing that calms you. One thing, five minutes. Today you're going to reach out to one person or one community, one connection. That's how you start. Not by doing everything perfectly, but by doing doing three small things consistently. Reset, Calm, Connect. Build those foundations in whatever program calls to you. Show up for yourself every day and trust that the path you choose is the right one as long as you walk it fully. So let's bring this all together. You came here overwhelmed, drowning in advice, stuck in analysis paralysis, wondering which path is right, which program you should choose, what if you picked the wrong one and fail? And here's what I hope you're walking away with today. The program doesn't determine your success. You do. The people who make it are the ones who picked one thing and gave it everything they had. So if you're still sitting there paralyzed by options, this is your permission slip. Pick something. Pick the path that feels most accessible to you right now, not perfect, not ideal, just accessible. And then build your three foundations in that program, reset your mindset, your environment, your expectations. Remember, you get out of sobriety what you put into it. Call me your nervous system every single day, find what brings you out of fight or flight and into a state where you can think clearly and make good choices, connect with people on this journey. Two layers, people walking beside you and people ahead of you who can guide you. Do those three things consistently show up fully and you'll feel better. Your sobriety will grow. You'll start crossing the bridge from sobriety into recovery. But it does require effort. It requires commitment. It requires you to stop talking about what you won't do and zero your energy in on what you will do. Now, I know some of you are listening to this in thinking, I hear you, but I don't know where I am right now. I don't know what level of support I actually need. I don't know if I should do this on my own, join a program, work with someone one-on-one. I just don't know. If that's you, let's talk. Book a call with me. We'll figure out where you are, what you need and what level of support is right for you right now. No pressure, just an honest conversation about what's gonna work for you. You can do that at addictionandlimited.com/call. And as always, that link is in the show notes. And if you want my daily plan, it's a one-page guide that hits all three foundations with a video walk through on how to use it, that's also in the show notes. Grab it, use it, start today. Your sobriety matters, you matter, and you can absolutely do this. Let's get to work my friends and let me know how it's going. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. - You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast, candid and honest conversation about addiction and recovery. Be sure to visit us at addictiononlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode? Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week. (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]