Our Fans Worst Confessions Yet

Mustache game still going strong, it's still going strong. I know. It's still going so good. I can still see it on you. Okay, standing up doing a fit check. Okay. All right. That's fine. Honestly, I don't hate it today. I don't hate it today. Okay. You've got what what were those? My loafers in indoors recording a podcast. You got the loafers on. What's wrong with that? I can't wear loafers indoors. No, I don't. There's no reason to be wearing loafers. Yeah, no. So the mustache is really good right now. Mustache is really good. I got that male manipulator mustache. I got my Rex Orange County listening. My fucking Mac the Marco mustache right now. Okay. It's got you scared. I'm not scared of it. You're afraid. I'm really not scared of it. What I can do on above my lip right now. I'm not afraid of that. You're shivering. I'm looking at you right now and I can see. Hold up. Hold up your hand. I bet it's going to be like this. Damn. And that's because he was trained in the gulags. That's because he was trained in Russia for years. So never admit that to the shoppers. But he was trained to resist interrogation. Talk about what they think about my mustache. All right. Here it comes. Ted. All I want to say. Please. Please shoot that mustache. It's not it. Please give it a bit now. The polls are in. People love my mustache. This is bullshit. They're both shitting. Welcome the chuckle sandwich. You grew up that mustache and you started being really based all of a sudden. Yeah, you're right, dude. I'll wait a second. I'm socially liberal, but fiscally conservative. Fiscally conservative right now. We like the hell's happening. I like this man. This is not going to be honestly not even be that socially liberal anymore. Oh, dude. And you know what? Here I go. My hands are shaking now. You got me excited. Welcome everyone to chuckle sandwich. It's our last SpeakPipe episode today, folks. We filled you guys in on the last episode. This is our last SpeakPipe episode. We thank you all for sending in SpeakPipes over the last. I mean, how long have we been doing SpeakPipe for more than a year now, huh? Yeah. More than a year. Well over a year. Shout out to Emma, who are editor and friend of the pod, who brought in, brought in SpeakPipe as a suggestion. And it's been a great thing. But now, you know, we're just sick of hearing you guys. We're sick of hearing it. Yeah, I mean, we're really do suck. Tucker is in a terrible mood. I've been scrolling through these for hours. Yeah. This obviously has made him very unhappy to do. And we don't like seeing Tucker unhappy. So we decided to retire the subject in its entirety. Yeah. So this is the last for rock. Get all your fucked up comments thirst and over Ted's mustache and my beard. Get them all in. Confess your sins. That was it, right? It was, it was confess something or am I the assholes? Or am I the asshole? Yeah. Um, shall we do one, Tucker? Give us your greatest opening one. We've got a great one. This one's coming from boo. Uh, here we go. Forgive me, father. I have sinned once when I was maybe seven years old, I decided it would be a good idea to collect a bunch of slugs and boil them and milk. And then I strained the milk and kept it in a mini fridge in my room. And then my friend came over and I had them drink the milk and I didn't tell them until after that I had boiled slugs in. Why did you do that? That's, oh my god. Do we know how old this person was? Um, nothing. No. We could email him. There's like not even a hint of regret in their voice either. That's like a seven year old can't boil slugs and milk, right? They don't know how to work a stove. So you need a little bit of intellect to be able to do that. No, this is a hundred percent premeditated in every, in every shape and form. Like this is like, wouldn't it be funny if I made like some deeply unsettling concoction? Yeah. That is, wait, that's like, where do you get the idea of the boil slugs and milk? Where are you getting so many slugs? Are you getting the milk? Well, it actually makes sense. Milk is fairly easy to get. Yeah, slugs would be the, the, the handicap there. The, where are you getting slugs from? Wait, Tucker, when was the last time you saw a slug, Tucker? All the time. When's the last time you touch some grass? They're in the grass everywhere. He's in the concrete jungle, man. He doesn't see any slugs around. All these seas are homeless people and heroin needles. Yeah, I think it's too dry where you live for slugs. Yeah. There's lizards. There's lizards here. I went, you know, maybe if I, if I grabbed a bunch of lizards and boiled them in milk, that might be an equivalent. Why, you're getting grossed out by that, Tucker. It's just so weird. I think if you said that to a priest and it sounded like you were at the beginning there, he, he'd tell you at least like five or six Hail Mary's, maybe even a couple of our fathers too, because that's fucked. You're lucky that, you're lucky that something bad didn't happen to that person. You hear stories sometimes people, people eating slugs. You ever heard that story of the college kid who wanted to like impress his friends. He ate a slug. Well, that's initially what I was thinking too. Yeah. Yeah, all of a sudden, he's fucking paralyzes whole life. And now his mom is like a anti slug activist. Yeah. Yeah. Slug on a date. Okay. Aida slug on a date. Yep. He's trying to press a girl doing that. Yep. And now his mom is an anti slug activist. She, she goes around giving talks about slugs. You could have given, you could have given your friend a, a lixer of parallel, a paralyzing a lixer. Yeah, that, that, that's fucked. That's fucked up. Yeah. And this, and this is why we're, we're done with the speed pipes because this, this, this, we discover through this, how horrifying our audience is, and how morally corrupt they are. In a way, though, Ted, it makes me feel better about me because I don't have a story nearly as horrifying as that. That's true. Yeah. I can't say that. It's horrifying. I feel extremely normal, you know? Yeah. I will say that when I was a kid, I, uh, I didn't know how frogs worked. And, uh, there was a period where there were frogs everywhere. I don't really feel like I see frogs as much as I did when I was younger. You live in LA. I got plenty of frogs. I see frogs every day, but, you know, you know, I mean, I think I'm looking for them last two though. When I was a kid, I was looking for frogs. Yeah. They're definitely not in LA, but like, you know, but we had like a little plastic pool. And I was like, I was excited because I was like, wow, I can collect these frogs and sort of give them a place to live. And then they can't get away. I can always hang out with them. But a plastic pool is sort of like a, like just filled to the brim with water is sort of like a, like an amphibian doesn't need to be in the water all the time. Yeah. And so it's sort of like a death sentence to any frogs. They got, um, they got blood bubbles. Blood bubbles. You heard of this as blood bubbles. No, not by blood blisters. Uh, it's like, uh, like the frog had like a red bubble coming out of it. Oh, man, that's, and I, it was definitely dying. Um, and I don't know what I did do it, but all these frogs died. That's sad, dude. That's, that's almost as fucked up. I mean, you didn't make anyone eat it. But I mean, that is, that is fucked. I mean, is the, the, the story that I can tell about my animal abuse, um, is that I used to run over ants with my big wheel. When I was like four or five, I would single them out. And I, because I must have had very good vision at the time, or they were just big ants. That's not that bad. I definitely poured water down inhales. Yeah. I, I would definitely run over some ants with my big wheel. Uh, one time, uh, it was in the summer. We were at, we're on Cape Cod. And I, uh, caught, I used a minotrap and filled it with like lobster scraps from dinner, put it out in the water overnight and pulled it out. And it was full of little fish like, like, that big, uh, full of them. So I took one. It was, the pavement was so fucking hot. I was like, I wonder if I put this fish on a hot pavement. Will it cook the fish? And it just kind of dried up and died. Did not cook it though. Wow. That's, that might be the, that might be the worst one tucked or that one. I know. I know. I was like 11 because I was trying to keep, I was trying to keep the frogs alive. Like, I wanted to hang out with them. You were like, I want to cook this fish and eat it. Okay. To, to help my, my case, I had like 1200 fish. Like, it was a lot of fish. So I I just grabbed one, I just plucked one. - Just one. - Just sure as one little fish, and God will still favor me. - Yeah. - But it's been weighing on me for 15 years now, probably. - Yeah, no, you're still thinking about that. Well, 'cause did you get caught? - No, no, it wasn't like a, I was just in the driveway. Like everyone probably could see me and they're probably with the fuck's he doing with that fish. - Yeah. - It was just a little guy, you know? Just that little-- - Don't they say that abuse to animals is something that it's like an indication of serial killing us? - No shit. - Well, what did we all hear? - Well, no, no, I'm just saying, like if you-- - Like a full experimentation. - Clearly, if you keep abusing animals, you're gonna be some kind of fucked up person. - Right. - That's like saying that-- (laughing) I never mind. - Well, it's like an actual psychological indication. - It's me off. - I don't know how that, I don't know how that pisses off. - You just sort of went off right there, bro. - Well, I get that you're pissed off. I'm sort of wondering how you got pissed off, though. Like, what about what I said? - It just fucking the way you said it matter effectively. Just it just pissed me off, man. - Okay, maybe we go to the next speak fight. - Sure, surely we'll go out and cheer you up. - Frogs are cool, too. You don't need to trap them in a fucking pool. You ask this. - So is this. - Frogs can just sit. I walk outside of my patio. There's frogs just sitting there. I sit down next to them. They don't move. I can grab them, I go like that. And then I'll put them on my lap. They don't give a shit. - Well, how do you think it was so easy for me to get them all on a pool? - Exactly. You don't need to put them in a pool. - This next one's called Pop Rock. - When I was 15, I put Pop Rocks in myself. - What does that mean? - So I had a small in my edgy meme page and edgelords who lived in their mother's basement, flocked to me, and I got added to a group chat. And there was a meme shared that said something like the government can't stop me from putting Pop Rocks in my Gucci apartment. - No. - And I got tagged and somebody dared me to do it in exchange for $5. And back in my day, that bought you a pack of cigarettes. - Oh. - So I did it. - Hurt like a bitch. I didn't film anything like- - I know one was asking if you did. - I just filmed my facial reaction and you could hear the sound. You could hear the sound. And I got my $5. I got my pack of cigarettes. Everybody wins except for my conscience. - I did not expect that one. - That was fucking crazy. - That one's crazy. Also probably a little dangerous, right? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Isn't that the whole thing with the coach is that there's a very delicate pH balance going on down there. - It's all about the thing. - It's like throwing Pop Rocks. Throwing Pop Rocks in there seems like it's gonna make your sour fucking- - Make your sour. - You know, it's gonna mess up the pH, man. It's gonna make you roll it. - Oh, shit. Yeah. - No. - I mean, I know hot tubs are weird like that too. You need a very delicate balance. I wouldn't be throwing Pop Rocks in my hot tub. - Yeah, the thing someone will do for a cigarette, Jesus. - And this is a chocolate? - That's a chocolate. That sounded like a chocolate. - This is such a chocolate that they can't win and submit it a speak pipe. - After listening to today's selection, there's less dedicated chucklers than you'd think. There's quite a few. They're like, "Yeah, I just started watching a podcast." It's like, where have you been? - I feel like that's the thing with a lot of stuff like this. I don't think we realize how many people like filter in and filter out. I'm sure there's people who stop listening after like two months of chuckle sandwich when they first started listening to the beginning and they're like, "Oh, they're still going." - Yeah. - They're still going. - I would never put Pop Rocks in my pussy. - You're pussy? - My pussy. - Would you put it up your pussy? - No, I wouldn't. I would try, you know those things that you would try on a little pouch and then, you know, they're like little gunpowder or something and they're twisted up and then you throw those and they go, - You would put that in your pussy? - No, I'm saying that's probably the male equivalent, you know? Those are fun. Those are fun. - Pop Rocks aren't like a gendered thing. - No, but I'm saying, like, the male equivalent, just put it up your ass and put Pop Rocks up your ass. - No, no, no. - That's where the, hey, that's where the, you know what, what lives in the male, pussy? - Shit. - Yes, but what else? The prostate. It's not in. - Yep, it's in there. - It's easy to reach from there. I mean, I'm saying that's the, that's certainly the best way to access it. But it's, I mean, just saying that it lives in there is just inaccurate again. - You know, so thank you so much for clarifying for me. I maybe know a little bit less information about where the prostate lies than you do. But, you know, you could put it, you could put, you could put Pop Rocks up there. Maybe it, maybe we could, maybe we'll give you a good time. You could get you going. Yeah, maybe it would, maybe it would. - Turkey, but not. - I'm not serious. - Yeah, those, those little poppers would never work too. Those little poppers, you know, those little poppers that you throw and they pop. - Yeah. - Those would never work up there 'cause they need an impact, you know? - Yeah. - So like, you just stuff those up there, nothing's gonna happen. - You just stuff those up there and nothing's gonna happen. And then you do like a cannonball with the pavement, maybe. - Oh shit, dude. - That's horrible. - Ted, if I gave you five bucks, what, no. - You'd have to, it'd have to be the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes now. - Well, what's the California minimum? - I don't know. It's probably like $26 now, I bet. I've never bought a pack of cigarettes before. - Really? - It's fun. - You've bought a pack of cigarettes before, Tyre? - Yes. - Whoa. - Yeah, that's a little lord up for you. - I bought a pack of cigarettes before. - Really? - Yeah. - I never, I feel like there must be a certain charm to going in there and being like. - Do you get a pack of reds? - Yeah, give me a pack of Marlboro Reds. - That's all right, bye. - No, you just say reds, bro. You just say reds. - Give me a pack of reds, please. - Yeah, I'm looking for a pack of reds. - Yeah. - It did feel good. It was for a, it was for a livestream bit, but it did feel good to have, having finished that transaction. - Yeah. - I felt like I had matured in a way. - I'll tell you what, actually, you know what? I bought cigarettes once, but they weren't for me. I was walking down the street along this walk of stars and how I would pull apart. And some dude, you know what I said, people will always be like, hey man, I get something or whatever, you know. - The homeless piece of. - Yeah. - Some dude was like, hey man, you got a cigarette. And I was just, I was by myself, I had nothing going on. I was like, I was like, no, but I could buy you a pack. He was like, okay. And then so I, I was like, stay right here. I went there to the 7-1, I bought him a pack of cigarettes. It was a lighter. And I came back and I handed him, and he was very appreciative. And I just went on my way. - Wow. - Yeah. So that is the one time I bought cigarettes. And that was like, maybe like a year and a half ago. - Kind, I guess. I mean, most people I know would be like, oh no, I'm not, I'm not going to fund this person's drug addiction. But yeah, but like so many people smoke cigarettes. And it's like, there's probably more indie kids that smoke cigarettes than the people who first started smoking cigarettes, you know. So it's just like, whatever, you know. - Yeah. - Tobacco industry is going to get their money. Might as well make his day. - Yeah. - How long it lasts. - When I was a cigarette, too, you know. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So I'm basically a hero at the end of the day. - Yeah, I mean, I think that's a valid claim. You could make that. - All right, what else have we got, Tucker? Here comes Eliza. - When I was younger, like toddler age, my dad had morts on his hands and he would scrape the work bits off as part of his treatment or something. He would just do it over the trash. And one time some girl came over that I really hated 'cause she'd pull my hair in class. So I got some of the work skin shavings out from his back in trash. And I secretly put them in one of the Oreos. - And I walked into the snack and I watched her eat it. - What is this body horror bullshit? - No more moors for my actions. - Oh, fuck. - What is it? - This is three extremely unsettling things. Right in a row. - I mean, that's probably what we were looking for. - I guess. Yeah, yeah. - That is horrifying. - That's like, weren't hands like the worst one. - Okay, the milk slug thing is clearly the worst. - No, but this one is also so premeditated too. - Yeah, it's worse 'cause like this is against someone else too. The pop rock pussy thing is like, it's just strange. It's not like evil. You were doing it to yourself, you know? - That one's a journey for cigarettes. - Yeah. - That one's it's own journey for cigarettes and they had to take a selfie video of their face reacting to them having popped on this. No, but this one's like, this person had to like, dig in through the trash, like grab out one of the wart things, open up an Oreo, place it in there, get the Oreo back on and then be like, would you like an Oreo? Like they're the fucking wicked witch handing the apple to snow white, you know? - Yeah. - That's fucked. Oh, yeah, no, you're like a poisoner. What's that? It was the word for a poisoner. You're like an assat. Like these people-- - Like a winner in our truck. - Yeah, no a witch. Yeah, you're a witch. Making people eat warts of all things. That's pretty witchy. There's nothing more witchy than a wart. - Man, I'm pissed. - Also, how would you, I guess the Oreo concealed the fact that the wart's on. Maybe he dug out like some of the, some of the schmutz in the middle. And it had like a little secret. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The frosting in the middle of the Oreo. Like maybe he dug out the whole. - Yeah, yeah, like a little secret compartment. So it's like a gusher. - Oh. (laughing) - Oh, wow, yeah, that's-- - I haven't done anything remotely close to that either. These people get fucked up these days. Give us another one. - Let's do a bloke. - Hello there, charclers. I am the bane of anyone who is unfortunate enough to have asthma. This is a confession. If you're silly enough to invite me into your humble abode, you may find yourself falling victim to a little prank I like to play, where I will take any and all aerosol cans I can find across the house and place a small amount of tape over the release mechanism, compressing it just enough. So the small amount of the concoction within slowly escapes the can. But not enough to where it is orderably or visually noticeable. And then I'll simply leave the can in an inconspicuous location for it to run a muck over the course of time. You see, I may have done this to a few people who have, let's say, moderately severe asthma. And I might have caused them a few, let's say, complications. Anyway, thanks for listening. - So that was just a sociopath that came on our podcast just now. - Yeah, that's a crazy person. - No, that was weird. That was concerning. - That's like Hitler level of, that's like, no, no. I take that back. What Hitler did was way worse. - Yeah. That's like that. That's like some, that's like a, I don't know. Fuckin' Ted Kaczynski. - Maybe. - That's like Jeffrey Dahmer. - No. - No. - That's like the Manson family. - This, okay. - That's crazy. - Here's the thing, too. Here's the thing, see, when that guy was recording it, I could hear his fingers going like this. - Yeah, and then he was doing shit. - He was like, let's just say, I may have put a little bit of he, a little bit of a hole in an aerosol thing, and let's just say the people I know with asthma were having a very, very bad day. Like, this person thinks they're way cooler than they actually are. At the end of the day, they're just British. - Yeah, I'm here to confess one of my crimes that I committed on the island of Britain that's no bigger than the area of New England. Fuck you, America's bigger than you. - I know, fuck British people. - Dude, that was crazy. So, wouldn't it, I would have thought if they're putting a hole in an aerosol can, that's a compressed can, wouldn't it, it's blowed? - No, he means like, he doesn't mean putting a hole in the can. He means like depressing the (mimicking) like the sprayer a little bit so that it all comes out. - Oh, it's like ever so slightly just leaking gas for like a month. - Yeah, it's like, okay, it's like this. It's like this, right? It's like you kind of have it right there so that stuff is still coming out, but it's like very little, you know? - Yes, enough to ruin the air quality of the room. - Yeah. - That's psychotic. That's psychokiller, Cascasset. - What happens if I turn this upside down and spray it on my face? - You'll get the, you'll get the chilling frost. Feel like you've done that before. - I think you liked it. - Oh, kind of good. That was kind of refreshing. - You'll do it again. - Do it again. - No, maybe less. - You won't. - Never do that with a can of raid. (laughing) - No, not to much self at least. - Never have, done that with a can of raid ever actually. - Like that one, Simmer, Chuckler's. Leave that on the back burner. Give us another one, Tucker. So wait, we've done mostly confessions. Do we have, what was the other option that we had? - The other options, am I the asshole? And then there's also just the scattered category. - Yeah. - All those people who just went, by the way, they're all the asshole. - Yeah, well, they were confessing. So I think they kind of know. - This isn't, am I the asshole though? - I think the British guy wanted us to be like, dude, you legend. Dude, you're so cool. - Wait, you're kind of like an assassin in some ways. (laughing) Wait, we gotta hire, we gotta give him a recommendation to MI6. This guy, wow, that's what he wanted us to say. Now we're just, he left us speechless with how psychotic he sound, maybe just made it up. Who knows? - Here's an am I the asshole, which it honestly felt like a confession, but this is Harper Ford. - Am I the asshole for gluing my sister's jeans? Here's contacts. My sister annoys the crap out of me sometimes, and she always takes fights for absolutely no reason. So, every time she's at work. - Oh my God, wait, that's not normal for siblings. Wait, you're in the right. I take a million pairs of her jeans, not actually, and I take my hot glue gun and I zip the zipper with the glue, so she cannot get the zipper down. Yeah, I don't know if that's rude. I mean, obviously it's me, but I just, she makes me mad, killings. - You don't know if that's, okay, yeah, the asshole, first of all. - Whoa, hold on. - If the sister was really annoying. - Yeah, I just think it's funny, I just think it's funny how she zips it up and she's like, she zipping up and gluing the jeans shut so that she can't open them or use her jeans and then follows it up with saying, I don't know if that's rude or like, like what other option do you have? It's not nice. - Let's be real though, this is not as big a problem for women than it is for men. Because men wear almost only jeans. Most men wear only jeans. - But also, Tucker, men have big dicks to get through that zipper. So they got a j-jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj. - Do you use the zipper function? - Women don't have dicks. - At the urinal? - A traditional jeans, I don't think have a zipper. - Put through the zipper. - Traditional jeans don't have a zipper. - Yeah, dude, they're buttoned. - Oh, that's fucked. I don't like that. - It's nice. If you undo the top one, you just go (imitates) - Yeah, I have a lot of different pairs of jeans that are like that. - It's quick release, dude. When you're really running in there. - Yeah, I have a, I have some jeans that are like that. And they confused me at first because I was like, this doesn't seem very traditional. - But I think it truly is, yeah. - Yeah, that's nice. - And there's no risk zipping up. - You know what, honestly, you might be right, too, because I'm pretty sure the zipper is a fairly recent invention. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, same with the ziplock. - And Velcro. - And Velcro is what I was thinking of. Because the guy saw how the little, those little things. - Filling burrs. - Yeah, burrs were sticking to his dog and he put them under a microscope and he looked to see how they attach. - They have little hooks. - They have little tiny hooks. The microscopic hooks. And so we made Velcro from that. - Wow. - Where is one of the first time you heard that, that little story. - It's probably on the MCAS. (laughing) - That's funny. - It's probably on the MCAS, be honest. It was one of those reading comprehension things. - Dude, wasn't it a, wait, wasn't it a treat when like your MCAS, you had a reading comprehension to write a paragraph after, but like, it was really interesting. So you're like, oh, fuck yeah. This is good. At least this one's good, you know? - Yeah. - Kind of vibe with it. - Yeah, it's like, the MCAS is just like one of those tests. - It's the Massachusetts. - Yeah. - It's like the thing you take in like elementary school. It's like the standardized, like see where all the students across the board are. Hello, Shlant, you there? - Yep. - Did you hear what I said? - Yeah, you were talking about some thing I've never done in my life. - I know, but I'm saying you probably had an equivalent in New York of like some sort of standardized test you'd take for the whole state like the. - I know you did 'cause Emma's talked about it before. Is it ELA's? - ELA's. - There is one, somebody will know. - Like a new answer. - Go ask your wife right now, I'm not gonna ask her. - I'm not gonna, you gotta go ask her. - All right, Chucklers, this episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by our friends at Acorns. After listening to you, Chucklers, air out all your dirty laundry with your speak pipe submissions, I have the confession of my own. that I need to get off my chest. I put off investing for a way too long. It seems so overwhelming. I didn't know where to start, and it never really felt urgent. But what I figured out is that I'm not alone. So many people struggle to start investing. But that's where Acorns comes in. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing for you, your kids, and your retirement. You don't need a lot of money or expertise to invest with Acorns. In fact, you can get started with just your spare change. Acorns recommends an expert-built portfolio that fits you and your money goals, then automatically invest that money for you. And now, Acorns is putting their money into your future. Open an Acorns later IRA and get up to a 3% match on new contributions. That's extra money for your retirement, Chuckleers. So, Chuckleers, if you're looking to start investing, I recommend checking out Acorns. Chuckleers head to acorns.com/chuckle or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Once again, that's acorns.com/chuckle. Paid non-client endorsement, compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Investing in Vols Risk, Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com/chuckle. We're going to figure this out. We're not letting you get away with this. We're not going to wear New York Yankees hat. I'm rooting for the Dodger. Regents exams? You know, you know what, Shlatt? Right now. It was the Regents. Let's see what Tucker come back and says, Shlatt, you know right now, it's New York versus LA. I know. I know. So, in middle school and high school, Emma had to take Regents. Regents, I know, I realize this. I really figured it out. We did get there. Okay. Yeah. So for our equivalent of that was the MCAS. MCAS. I like Regents better. Regents. Well, MCAS was fun because in fourth grade, someone was like, because it was MCAS, they're like, it stands for Massachusetts Child Abuse System. Because there would be this whole period where we'd have to prepare for it and we would study for the MCAS and then, but really what everyone was most excited about at least was this specific type of mints that were also kind of like candies that they would hand out. They handed out mints during that. Yeah, they went to a certain elementary school. No, dude, you know those softer mints that you could bring in during the tests? You know, bring in a little mint or something during the MCAS if you wanted. Interesting. I don't know why you're talking about. Dude, you could bring in mints. Don't like I mean, you're like, Hey, what the fuck do you want to mint for that? Don't act cool. I love a good mint. I love a good. I don't know what I'm talking about. I go to Sunday morning church with my grandma and she'd she'd always have the fucking two bementos. I'd eat the whole fucking two before we got to the homily, bro. You know those little mints that are like they swirl and they're kind of like this. They might be peppermints, but they're swirly and they're soft and chalky. Oh, I know what you're talking about. You have a chalky one. It's so sucked, bro. No, but they were awesome when they were the only thing that you had because they're a little bit sweet. Yeah, a little bit, but they're a little bit sweet. Yeah, wait. No, that actually might be right. Oh, you fucking bitch. I'll kill you with a gun. I will kill you with a fuck. You don't even have a gun. You fucking loser. Yes, dude. Yeah, they would let you have these during the MCAS. Like you come in, you'd be holding like five of them in your hand. I think he's right. I think I do. Because I haven't had one of those mints since. That's such a thing. You sum a bitch. I was so, man, you're a gaslighter. You're a gaslighter. No, it's not gaslighting if I don't think if I if I was, you know, I thought it's just like if I say it is, dude, that's when it's gaslighted. It's only gaslighting if I truly knew, but I didn't know until I saw them again. It unlocked. I think those are good. Those are good too. You remember those. Those are good. Yeah, why wouldn't they just give us like regular worthers or something like something good? These were good. These were sweet stripes. You put those in your mouth and you let them dissolve in your mouth. They were great. I loved them. Adilisone is loving it yet. Bob's sweet stripes. Look that up on their soft peppermint candy. They are sort of sort of obvious in their nature. You get 250 for 30 bucks. 250 for 30 bucks. Every chocolate out there should buy that. That's a terrible thing. It's 20 calories a mint. Oh, 20 calories a mint. Man, I was slamming those things too. I probably have 500 calories a mint succession. That's wild. That's like, that's like when I found out, you know, that tub of double bubble that I have out on my patio. That's like when I found out that each one of those was like 15 calories. I was reading the box. I had like 10 of them in my mouth. You're like, what? I mean, 250 calories. Wait, really? Bubble gum is has some of these old school bubblegums. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I got used to the sugar for you like the five gum. Yeah. Yeah. So it's the sugar. Oh, I think that Mentos got to be the best mint. There was something great about hubblebubble. You knew it because everyone wanted to take that chalky little thing out and just fight it sideways. You know, I'm about to have a fun container. That was that was selling point. Like this thing was fun to fuck with. It's like a fidget toy with gum inside. It was. It was. Yeah. God. Being a kid was so cool. I mean, you can still buy these days, don't kids these days don't don't eat hubblebubble. Yeah. No, they eat they're fucking they had galaxy gas did galaxy gas and jewel pods. Yeah. Not so much jewel pods. Well, now that they ban the fun flavors. Yeah. Are those vapes with like this fucking screen on them? Are those disposable? Yeah. No, they're well, they're they're like, but they got games on them. You got you see you see someone on the subway with those. They're playing. So they're playing back. It's over once you get rid of all the all the vape juice. You can't refill it. I yeah, I think so. And then it just turns into a thing of a waste. Well, yeah, yeah, basically, they have like little computers in them and shit, too. Yeah, that's rough. This is like what they will when they ban the jewel. They, uh, why did we ban the reusable ones and not the disposables? These all have batteries in them. Yeah. This one is rough looking. That's got a fucking board ape project thing. Whatever. How much are the board apes worth these days? Nothing. Board ape. Open sea. Geez. Oh, uh, they're back to kind of their original value. It looks like my general. That's rough. That sucks for them. So like average sold for 11 ethereum. Yeah, there's some for around 11 ethereum. Yeah, when they are. If you got them when they're at 128. Oh, my God, that would have been like, what's that? What's that? What's that with 128? Like 3000? Yeah, what's an ethereum? Yeah, it'd be like, that's got to be somewhere around 300,000 dollars or something. 30,000. That'd be like 300,000 or something like that. Well, back then, you got to look at the price back then too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, 2020. I've seen them out of money. Yeah, thousands. Yeah, it's all just like fucking speculative. Nothingness. I still got my brick. I wonder how the bricks are doing. Well, they're worth nothing, dude. I bet are they we we had it slide and I had that's probably the worst thing that I've ever purchased is the brick just for the bit, bought like a 3000 dollars just the ethereum brick. How much is it worth? 0.4 ethereum was the last sale. Oh, really? USD. Ether to USD. A hundred bucks bricks are like a hundred bucks. How much did you pay for it? More than that, certainly more than that. Yeah, yeah. But hey, it's not zero. Yeah, whoever made the bricks thing, they probably made a lot of money off of that, right? Oh, surely they did. Surely they did. Yeah, because like, isn't that whole thing with like making an NFT product like that is that you get like a percentage of the sales. Yeah, every time it trades hands. That's crazy. The person who made Board Abe is probably like some nasty motherfucker, living in in Bali, doing yoga, with hookers and coke. Okay, so what's the next thing? Yeah, here's one from an anonymous Chuckler. Hey guys, so I just committed tax fraud again. Yeah, so I just want to let you guys know that I felt like, you know, you're asking for confessions. I figured, you know, a pretty good time to kind of confess what I've just done. Um, anyway, I will be in jail. Um, you won't hear from me again. Yeah. Okay, bye. Bye. I like it how it was a static sound. Like, it wasn't like the sound of sirens getting closer. It was like she was standing there recording the speak pipe as the police car was like 10 feet away consistently. Like they were like the cops are just sitting there in the car looking at her and they're like, well, we got to let her finish her call first. Let me see. I just googled siren noise. I'm going to see if this is the first one that came up. Nope. Okay. All right, she shifted she shifted through the results that she would have found the best one the one that was like this one will trick him Yeah, we put the intro for that one again. Yeah, that's fun. Oh Yeah, okay, I was like a little bit of a grow to it's like a it's like a it's like a All right, that's nice. I like that You also you idiot you don't get you don't cops don't fucking Arrest you for tax fraud. I've been doing it for five years. Isn't the FBI do that? No one does Really No, it's the it's the IRS Iris doesn't have cops. Oh, they yeah, they just bought like 40,000 assault rifles. Oh What you didn't see this you're gonna need to make a couple calls. Oh Since 2006 they bought a ton recently Hmm a combat gear in 2020 Whoa, yeah, no, there's they're stocking up and They're coming for influencers who keep writing off every flight they take for making a TikTok Hmm, look out boys. I mean if there's a business trip accounts It's incidental business Hey, just go to on listen listen do it you want man? It'll come the hammer's gonna come Tucker's Tucker's got a tax a tax love and father-in-life tells him a color things are like Well, my daddy. He's like a he's a tax guy. He has a ton. No, he does no way. I'll fight you Larry I'll fight you right now. He's gonna. I'm we keep writing it off. He's gonna be in your ear in Africa Yeah, he's gonna be like I mean, I I just don't think that they My I've got guys who are all guys multiple. I've got people. I've got people. I just don't think that they would let me do that Ted actually does have people. He actually does have people. I do have people. There's a quite a lot of them too Surprising them out and a lot of them whole room of them. It's just one boardroom full of people And they're all sitting there and they're like, how do we get Ted to write off more things? You know, it's crazy. I never understood like we I feel like people spend so much time thinking about how to Evade paying taxes when really they should be thinking about how can I make more money? You know, that's fair Hmm, just some food for thought Hmm, get your fucking Why don't you want you start stacking some more paper? You're worried about how much you got. Yeah, Tucker. What? Yeah, that's flat. Yeah, Tucker. Yes. I paid my taxes. It's fine. Yes, chocolate There's with a random one, Tucker. Okay. Here's Grace Hi, Chuckler is happy early chuckle leak. Am I in the asshole for putting dish soap in my mom's wine and social stop drinking? Yeah, that's it. That's the whole story. Well Depends how depends contextually what how what what stage of the drinking problem there is or if there is a drinking problem at all It could be one of those things where you're just a Chronic online Twitter-pilled person and you saw someone drinking you want to piss yourself. Um, my dad just gave me beer Yeah, wait my dad is gonna give you a gene. I Think I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, no, you so there's there's two routes you could be You could be a chronically online Twitter user who's like my mom drinks After her low-paying job every night She has one glass of wine with dinner Does she have a drink? And then you're putting now you're you know, that could be her only solace after all hard long days to enjoy her wine Do you even know how expensive the wine is this could be a very nice wine that she saves up for and that she's looking forward to to enjoy? That if her only solace is the wine. That is a problem. Well, she's got a Okay, well, she has a daughter living with her. Her only solace is the wine Had a wine lady that is a problem. You should never be defined by the drink. Okay riddle be this. What if she's a sommelier? What if her mom works as a sommelier her whole thing is tasting wine? Can you imagine that? What does that mean? It's my sommelier moms? You don't want a sommelier, is that her? No? Neither does slam. Yeah, it's light knows what a sommelier is. I know what a sommelier is But I was thinking of making the same joke you just did Tucker. Yeah, but then if you did slide then you would say made it expansion. I just sat there like this. It would damage his it would damage his fancy rating if she let did not know what a sommelier is. I am the most fancy. Yeah, I can't look at look up look up sommelier and imagine it's in French. Let's see what he wrote sommelier, sommelier. Did you help me out? Can I phone a friend? S-O-M-M-E-Sommelier sommelier a wine steward Let's wiki this someone who does you know you don't want someone like if your mom is like that She's got a problem with wine. Have you ever seen like one of our friends growing up. Tucker buried their their face in a thing of nose or Her friends don't know one specific person or maybe put wine in a decanter and like bring a gig good like a That's exactly what you're talking about and and I agree with you. Whatever you say about him, I agree That person thought that they could maybe be a sommelier and that if they tried they would become a sommelier That's great. That's rich. Yeah Yeah, I don't have the context, but it's Ted's being funny. I mean the context is Moses Like the guy that I did the the water taste testing video with sometimes he or her waters you guys in my chat Okay, yeah, yeah no, but What if this woman was a sommelier and then her daughter's like my mom's drinking wine a lot I need to put dish soap in this she probably know pretty quickly Dude, if my mom if I was a sommelier, I would not be drinking that shit on my off time. I'd be I'd be like Anything else. Give me anything else. I think if you went into the business of wine tasting you have to love wine Yeah, but I don't make YouTube videos for the fun of it anymore Ted Yeah, I know I used to love it perspective was coming from I really used to love it too Yeah, I know dude, maybe you should get into wine tasting Then you get to drink all the time. I'll be right back This bottle's out I gotta put it Um What do you got what'd you bring in Sean? Oh a whole new bottle. Oh nice. How many of those do you have At least two at all times cheese. You just order them please delivered No, you can get alcohol delivered Not in New York. I doubt it No, New York's still pretty strict. Can't buy beer at a wine and liquor store Yeah, I instacarted my groceries is a day and I bought I got a whole bottle of vodka and a bottle of a clua. Do they card you? Like the dasher? Yeah They scan they scan your you're interesting. No, I have to get these at a I get these at the liquor store See it it's covered in dust the bottles covered in dust Because no one else ever buys them So it's just like I picked four of them yeah, he's like he's like back for more and you're like yeah Is yes Yes Oh god we were doing that all a chuckle week and it is going to be so outdated by the time we get that oh yeah I thought about that earlier. I was like that on every episode Um yes, we did all right. I think we got time for what a couple more. Yeah, let's that's speed room This is the last hurrah dude. Let's let's get get it all out. Okay, let's go here's Hank You on a hook here's your hook you two don't eat ass because you're not real men and big confession I do because I'm a real man Okay, okay, the only reason So because you're white to collar you're both white collar. Yeah, I'm bringing that back up I'm bringing that back up the reason you guys. Oh, I could never do that. Oh, I couldn't love a lady It's because And the bones never worked a job where your hands were dirty. No, no, no, being in a freezer that ate dirty When you when you've been working in the dirt in the grime in the blood in the bones When you've been a real Tucker Tucker knows I'm talking about You know that there are way dirtier things And way worse things you can do than loving your lady like she wants to be loved That's why you don't eat ass because you're white collar - That's probably one of the greatest speak parts we've ever had. That was awesome. - Yeah, I mean. - John Friedham energy. - Yeah, no, that guy's coming in and he is. - Wow. - Yeah, no, I just can't agree with this motherfucker though. I just, I will never understand eating ass. I never want to get my, I never want to get my tongue near an ass while I'm sorry. - I think he might have just convinced me, Dad. - Ted Spirley or his seaver. - Just say you don't want to love your lady. - I don't want someone's tongue in my ass. - I say you don't want to love your lady. Say you'll never love your lady. - I will love a lady. - Okay. - Loving a lady. - As she wants to be loved. - It's like that Kendrick Lamar song. It ain't real love if you never eat my ass, right? Is that what he says? - Yeah. (laughing) - Look, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, it is real. - Gee. - It ain't love. - Purple hearts, yeah. - No, okay, look at the lyrics. - It ain't love if you never eat my ass. Great that it wasn't Kendrick singing. - How did you know this, Flat? - What do you mean? I listen to the song, I don't know. - All right. - And Kendrick put that in the, Kendrick put that in, man. - That doesn't seem like his opinion though. That seems like the singer's opinion. - He approved it, he probably wrote it. - He probably ate her own. - He wrote it, and he was too ashamed to sing it himself. So he had some lady do it. - Well, I guess even, I mean, if you're in the blood and bones and the dirt, then it might as well get dirty in the bedroom too. - Yeah, that's true. - All right, next one. - Hello Ted, hello Schlatt. I have a confession to make. When I was a little kid, I was really obsessed with World War II, and I was also really obsessed with littlest pet shops. And so I would only invite my friends over so that we could play real life war accurate depictions of battles that happened in World War II with my littlest pet shops. And I did have a littlest pet shop that was designated to be Hitler, and it was the groupie dog because he was fucking ugly. And then I would always make my friends be the acts powers, and I was always the allied powers. And because I made them be evil, they didn't come back. Yeah, so with that. Some would say that's too far. - Let's look up this, let's look up this Hitler. - Look up littlest pet shop, droopy dog. - Let's see what Hitler looks like, Hitler. - Droopy dog, droopy dog. - No, I don't know which one. - That's gotta be Hitler. - That dog right there is Hitler. - He's gonna be Hitler. - I mean, it looks like a droopy dog. - Oh, that looks like Hitler with me. - That one does look like Hitler actually. That one, obviously this is not even that weirdly accurate looking Hitler dog. That dog looks like Hitler. - Yeah, more so than the other one. - That dog looks like Hitler. - Especially if you think that little black spot on the nose is mustache. - Yeah, Hitler mustache. - Yeah, I know, that's, he's got that Hitler stance too. - He does. - Yeah, yeah, Hitler famously. - Yeah, that's what he would do. That's what he would do. He'd get up there and he'd go, "Hoishlan." - Well, he's wagging his tail. - Yeah. - His tail would start going during the speeches. (laughing) - It would have if he had one. (laughing) - It was a furry. - He could really tell when he was excited up there. Oh, man. - Give us another one, Turk, give us another one. - Here, well, let's try saying, I don't remember this one. - Oh. - Am I the asshole? I tore the screen off my friend's computer in school and threw it like a Frisbee. (laughing) - I'm gonna give it up to someone else. (laughing) - Baby that day, I felt down a cliff. I think it was just karma. (laughing) - You felt twice? - No, you stuck down at the bottom of a canyon. (laughing) - Hey, how was that audio you just listened to? - It was good. - Rated one through 10 down in the comments below. - Yeah, that was good. That was good. - Maybe nine and eight. - Yeah, that was a solid one. I like that. Wasn't that fun? - It was good. - Yeah, no, that was a little tree. Yeah, wait, is there any other tree? Is that like that, Tucker? Are we missing out on some-- - No, no, that's a nice tree there. (laughing) - That's a diamond in the rough right there. - Yeah, that was a diamond. - Dude, literally 90% of them are two minutes and then they all are like, hey, Ted. Hey, slide. Hey, Tucker. So, it's like, so, it's like, all right, next. Next. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? - We needed to chuckle us with some personality, some player. - Yeah, exactly. - Yeah. And that's why this series is over. - What's punky? What's punky got to say? Is that what we're gonna do, punky? - No, we didn't do. - Hi, Skiddy. My confession is that my sister thinks she is an animal. She calls it a therian. She thinks she is a dog. She has a friend who thinks she is a squirrel. - It shakes each other around. - I can't do this, man. (laughing) - Who is this person? So she's got to, this is punky. She's got a sister that thinks she's a dog and she's got another friend that thinks she is a squirrel. So, as Tucker pointed out, they're definitely chasing each other around. - Where did we go wrong as like a society? - Oh, dude. - I was talking about this with the wife in the car yesterday. We started offering media of personified animals with our generation. Arthur, SpongeBob, like, Zootopia. That shit didn't exist. So you see the wrong, like, Sesame Street and shit. - Yeah, but that's still a really recent phenomenon in humanity. - Yeah. I think that Zootopia and stuff like that has done irreparable damage on our society. - Yeah, Zootopia. - I do irreparable damage to Judy Hopps. - From Peter Pan? - The Fox, from, is it from Peter Pan? You know what I'm talking about? - No, I'm sure, look, I'm sure people felt like this before. They just never, they never were able to express it freely. But now we're-- - Well, they used to have animal stuff back in the day, but they were on their, like, hind legs are actual animals. - Oh, Robin Hood, it's not Peter Pan. - Yeah, Robin Hood. - No, apparently this Fox for women, he really did it for them. I just found this out yesterday. Funny enough. - Did your wife tell you told you this? - She told me this in confidence, and now I'm telling everybody that's a little wrong. - That's the thing, yeah. - At this Fox. - And then Zootopia, you know, it's kind of the new age version of him. - Yeah, and I'll tell you one thing, people love that fucking Fox. Jesus. See, and that's an old, that's based on the old one, you know? - But that's not even like, that's not even close to what the original Fox is. Like they turned this into like, they turned this into like the UPS guy from fucking legally blonde. Like they turned him into like a hunk, where it's like, in the other original, he's more like a, he's more like a twink. - No, he's just a normal guy. Don't put that evil on him. - You know, but he's like an indie boy, you know? - No, but it's kind of, you know how I see it? I see it like how if you go play an old game. - He's literally a male manipulator though, that's Robin Hood. - Wait, that is Robin Hood. - That's Robin Hood, he's a male manipulator. I'm telling you dude, he's an indie boy. He listened to Mack DeMarco. - I don't know, I don't know the lore. He listens to Arctic Monkeys, okay? - Old Arctic Monkeys too. - Old Arctic Monkeys. - Before they were big. - Yeah. - Actually, you know what? - New Arctic Monkeys. - He listens to Arctic Monkeys. He listens to Tayman Paula. He's got a Tayman Paula poster. He's got a Tayman Paula banister thing. - Yeah, he really likes fucking cloth things, hung up in his dorm. He's a male manipulator. - He's got a tranquility based hotel in Casino tattoo. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, he's got a, he's got a fucking pine tree, he's got a pine tree tattoo. - Yeah, yeah. - Are you still going? - Yeah, yeah dude. - Here's Amy. - He's got unframed posters. - No, hold on, if there's one thing I can say this person before we move on. It's that just let time, patience, patience. Just be patient. Their time will come and they'll have a very rude awakening as they transition into the real world. - Yeah. Okay, here's Amy. - Hi boys, so I used to have a moldy bed. Used to being the focus here. So I had a really nice wooden bed frame for my keel. I got it for a really good price. And as I used it for about a year, I noticed underneath of it with the drawers, we get moldy very, very often. And I would do my best to do all the mold. And it would go away for a bit, but it would always come back. So after about a year, I had to sell the bed because I was moving out with my boyfriend. And so I just had this bed I need to get rid of. And my ex was moving in. So I sold him the moldy bed. And I knew the bed frame, the bed itself was the mold was going to come back. And I did gently inform him and warn him that the mold would come back. Or at least that it's prone to mold. But I still feel like the ethical thing to do would have to just throw it out. So am I the asshole? - No, I don't know how the, where's the mold coming from? - Yeah, that's what happened. - Poor ventilation. Yeah, you need to let mattresses breathe, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mm, I don't buy that. Okay, I'm just wondering where's all this moisture coming from yeah, that's that's what I want to know Yeah, like are you pissing the bed a lot you get is that is that piss oh beds if beds can get No, I don't think this person is the asshole either my name is flat. I walk to the market I had a little problem. My bed was moldy. It was everywhere. I needed to help my problem. That's the rhyme Yeah, I've never had a moldy bed talkers never had a moldy bed. Slat. You're a moldy bed boy. I've never had one I'm just I'm just relaying information, bro Diper to you piece of shit. What pissing bed left and right? Because it's not really a crime if my penalty and baldy watch it a while Wow, okay, we should move on. I don't think this person's the asshole as long as you disclose it in someone I'm sure you wouldn't I'm sure you wouldn't think this person's asshole Give it well, I guess we got to have her one more. I'd say all right. You want some slop real quick. Yeah Never mind next one Hey gang is gone reborn is that what that says wait wait we clicked on we had a gang is con before Yeah, flat was shot was flat was like click on gang is con and it was just - It was throat singing, right? - Yeah, yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, right and we are uh have our own Jamie who's my childhood best friend and we like to do this thing called speakpipe episodes where we reach out to the community and we get their drama and they all love it they send us these great speakpipes but now because apparently there's too many of them and they're too off topic uh you know we decided that we're not doing that anymore and now everybody's so mad at us. So are we the asshole? No dude. No actually. Totally. This is probably most of them probably sucked. Yeah most of them probably sucked. Most of them are probably just like most of them probably start like with hi Ted. Hi Tucker. Hi flat. So. Or actually it has to be more like like in the distance. It has to be more in the distance like uh the speakpipe's are hundreds of people. Yeah. So maybe my friend who went under the call says go and my friend didn't want a good girl who's that new but also the one of the girls who's that new but new. They they said no am I huh also stupidly toilet also slut drink a lot is he alcoholic. Yes. And that's usually how most of the speakpipes go. Let's see what if we can get like good one. Yeah one more. We'll just go with this. Hello fellas. So with the past girlfriend of mine we were in her room and it was just normal night. I was just sitting there on my phone. She was as well. Nothing really happened but I was just wearing. I got this new sweatshirt man this thing was nice. I was full of it but then she wants it and I'm like no and she really wanted I guess and she just like started flipping out and I just like like she wanted it in her room and I just would not give it to her and keep in mind this is like a girlfriend of like almost a year and I just wouldn't give it to her and eventually things happened and we broke up that night because that night and am I the apple for not giving her the sweatshirt. Like I mean if your favorite sweatshirt I guess not if if that was enough to break the relationship up I mean either you guys are young or there was like some serious it wasn't there was something either way dude fucking if she's breaking up over that good for you dude you just dodged a fucking bull if I got that girl crazy dude boys. Dude fuck that. She's got over herself it's just she's probably she probably had the whole argument where she was like well if you really in love with me and you can give me a sweatshirt yeah but also you probably don't eat ass you probably don't eat ass like that's okay assing in behavior you don't love your woman well and and if you don't eat ass hey that's okay that's okay don't ever let someone what are you looking at target why are you looking at the forecast oh sorry and that's like a that's just what I click like when I brains off sorry I'm like when you close Instagram you immediately like click it and open it again yeah that was to say like my brain was on autopilot sorry um that I can see why that was really distracting for you yeah no I was like I was like wow look at that you know all these other patterns on my screens look at that wind off New Brunswick all right folks well thank you so much for submitting all those speak pipes and all the speakers do submit it over the years hope you've enjoyed all the speak pipe episodes we haven't no no there were some good ones in there well thank you guys so much next week next week after after this episode the next Tuesday will be our first episode of chuckle week uh thank you all for listening and I hope you enjoy this chuckle week and uh take it easy guys