94: Our Adoption Story (Part 1)

(upbeat music) - Hey, I'm your host, Mari Wagner, and you're listening to the Ever Be Podcast, where Faith meets Lifestyle. I am so excited you're here. Whether you're a new listener or a long-time follower, I know there's something here for you. Pull up a chair and listen in for insightful, real life conversations and actionable steps on how to claim the full life God created you for. If you're a woman desiring to live a Christ-centered life in today's modern world, then this is for you. Welcome to Ever Be. - We have some exciting news to share. - Woo! - We're adopting. - Hi, it's We're adopting. We're gonna become parents soon, hopefully. - Yes. - We have super exciting news that we wanna just dive into today and just share basically our story of how we even got here, because if you would have told us a year ago, a year and a half ago, two years ago, what have you got? - Five years ago. - Five years ago when we first got married, that we were gonna be here today, I don't think I would have believed you. And so we're excited to share just what our journey has looked like over the past year of discernment. - Yeah, we have been struggling with infertility for four years. We got married five years ago, and trying to have kids for four years. And like Mara said, we never expected to be here, but the Lord has done some incredible things in our hearts and in our lives and giving us this call to adopt. And we're really excited to bring you along and share the story with you. - Yeah, and part of why we want to share our story publicly is because during our discernment process, at least for me, it was so encouraging to find other people who were sharing their story online. I, in our four years of struggling, have obviously seen so many videos and stories of people sharing their mother her journey and their pregnancy and their children. And it is so beautiful to watch. And obviously just makes you want to be a mom and want to raise kids and desire that. And once we started really like, discerning seriously this option of adoption, I was like, what does this look like in a family? What does this look like for a young married, faithful couple to go to the hospital pick up a baby or maybe fly to another country and pick up a baby or maybe pick up a toddler or like what does this even look like? What are all the scenarios? Are they happy? Do they love their child? Right? Like all these like basic like fears and questions that go through your mind when you're discerning such a big thing and stepping into this journey. And there's a couple creators that I found a couple like viral videos I found on TikTok and Instagram that just like left me in tears. Several mornings just waking up, opening up my phone and like going through these different creators like adoption stories, seeing the process for the parents as they go through all the paperwork and legal work. And then the process of like being chosen by the mom or being matched with the child and picking up their child, it was just like so beautiful. And that was such an encouraging factor, I think for me in this process. So the Lord has given us this platform and we want to use it. And so we're so excited to share with you guys and hopefully encourage anybody else on the journey. - So I think we should start probably like three years ago. We at that point were a year or year and a half into struggling with infertility. And Mar and I were having this conversation and we were just like okay, like we know adoption is a way to grow your family. - Mm-hmm. - Would you ever consider that? And we both were kind of like, "Ah, no, not really." Like we didn't, we weren't really excited about that proposition and that way to grow your family at that time. And so we kind of just dismissed it and we're like, okay, well, you know, like if we are still struggling three years later or like after three years of struggling with this infertility, like then maybe we'll consider it. - Maybe we'll start discerning. - We'll start praying about it. But like right now it's like that seems so far in the future. Like we still really want to have our own kids and we feel like that's where the Lord's calling us. And so we're just going to go down that route. And we'll just open up that box and another you're gonna have. - Yeah, and I mean at that point, especially, and I'm sure for anybody going through it, even if you did expect it or you didn't, right? But I think for us it was very unexpected. This whole struggle with our fertility, a year and a half in felt like an eternity already. - Oh yes. - Like I was like, there's no way we're gonna go through double the time that we have already gone through. And so we were like, yeah, we're not ready to talk about adoption. Like we'll just open that way down the path. - Yep. - And last winter was three years of us trying. And in the fall it kind of started crossing my mind 'cause I'm always thinking a couple steps ahead. And so September and October, I was like, wow, like we're about to enter the last few months of the year and I know that this is gonna be year three. This is when we said we would start talking about adoption. And what's crazy is that like in this whole fertility journey that we've gone through, like every day seems really slow sometimes. But then it's like the months kind of all fly by somehow. Like I couldn't believe that we had already hit three years. 'Cause in one sense it felt like how did we already get here so quickly? - But in another sense it's like it's been - But like 30 days. - 30 days. - And it's like a whole lot of no pregnancy. - Yeah, like on the day to day it's like wow, like this is really heavy. So kind of a weird experience there of, you know, grief and suffering and everything that just like flies by and is slow at the same time. But it came around. - So we hit three years. And then I remember Mari kind of like starting to just kind of bring it up even the months leading up to December. And I was just like, hey like three years is coming up. Like we should probably start talking about adoption and I was like, I don't really want to. - And I honestly didn't really want to either. Like I think like in our hearts and at least in mine it wasn't ever that I was against adoption or like could never see myself opening that door. - Right. It was mostly just like I think all the really heavy emotions that come with grieving like the loss of like the family you thought you would have when you first get married. When you're young and you're healthy and all your friends are having kids around you like you desire that same thing. And like you would just expect that like you would go down that same path. Our parents did and our siblings are doing like, it's just the normal thing. - And that's just what we always imagined and envisioned for a lot of you. - Yeah, yeah, it's what we always envisioned. And so I think that is part of where that hesitation comes from of just like having to really surrender all of your plans to the Lord and be like, you build my family, you know? Like I give you complete control Lord. Like however it is that you wanna build my family I'm gonna let you do that because I don't, like I'm not the giver of life. I don't have control over that. And so I think like even though I kind of was like dropping those little breadcrumbs in the fall, I still very like had a surrender like my vision of like the perfect family we thought we would have, right? - Yeah. - When truly like God's plan is what is perfect. But it takes time for us to get there. - Yeah. And so I mean up to this point in December is kind of where this whole, I think this adoption story really starts. - Yeah. Yeah, so I think I was caring kind of this, you know, that this weight of like wow, this three years is coming around. We said we would talk about this, but winters have always been kind of hard for me in this journey. We started trying in the winter. And so it's just a reminder that a whole nother year has gone by. You're nearing the end of the year. - Yeah. - So it's always pretty heavy and last year was tough and we're going into Christmas mass. And I, yeah, I kind of was just carrying that all with me and going into this mass like wow, like another Christmas without a baby to hold, without a pregnancy or a baby in our arms. And I think every Christmas I'm like just so hopeful for the next year that like when that next Christmas comes around, it's like really heavy to carry because you're like wow, like how did a whole nother year go by. So in this mass, I'm trying to hold both like the joy of Christmas and like the hardship and sorrow of my heart and the grief that we've gone through. And there was a moment in the mass where we're at Christmas mass on Christmas Eve with Trades Family last year. And my sister-in-law, my sweet sister-in-law has two children now at the time she just had one, our little nephew. And he was like squirming around and she had to go to the bathroom or something or other and she asked me to hold him. So I was helping out with James and was holding him through part of the mass and it happened to be the moment of the Eucharist at consecration in the middle of the mass. And in that moment, I'm like, I'm holding James and I'm like just praying to the Lord, like don't you see my heart, Lord? Like, Haven't you seen like my desire and my struggle and like my don't you hear my prayer of like wanting to be a mother and like here I am like Not holding my own child, right? Like I love my nephew as if you were my own as much as you know You can when you're an aunt, but it's not your own and in that moment I just like felt so Just exhausted from the struggle honestly like exhausted from Trying to convince God that my plan was better than his and like every day and every month and every year praying for my will to be done praying for us to see a positive pregnancy test praying for us to Have a baby that month that year I felt something in my heart like completely release on that Christmas Eve Mass and I just prayed to the Lord in that moment like you know what like I'm I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to get my way and from now on Lord like I surrender I Surrender this whole journey to you. I surrender this desire and I'm going to start praying for my will to be your will and So in that moment I like I let go of this grasp I feel like that I had of how I wanted my family to look like in my timing and While I'm like Surrendering to the Lord in this prayer. I'm I'm basically saying like whatever it is Lord however it is you want to build our family Whether that's biological or even adoption like soft in my heart open my heart like I Give you full permission, right and the Lord like he's so gentle with us that like I've experienced in my life many times like he waits for us To do that he waits for us to like give him permission to Come and work in our lives after we like give him a full surrender and so in that moment when I gave him that full surrender like I've just felt him speak in my heart and put on my heart that like his love of the Father like this great love that he has He has given us and he has adopted us as his children and our job as Parent is to show our children the love of the Father and He in that moment was just like adoption is a way to show a child the love of the Father Just as I have loved you and adopted you You can love and adopt a child and bring them into your family and show them that same love of the Father and That it that's just like soft in my heart so much in that moment like I just like genuinely felt like so many walls kind of like come down and open to This new path and then it was Christmas right and and then I like my gaze turns towards the nativity scene that they have at the church and I saw it with like new eyes for the first time ever because I Saw Mary and Joseph and Jesus and realized like Joseph is Jesus's adoptive Father and We hear that all the time like Joseph is Jesus adopted Father But at least for me I feel like it kind of goes in one ear out the other because we just like hear it so often it doesn't mean anything anymore And in that moment it all just like became really clear again that like in the holy family even in the most holy most perfect family the Lord even there thought to place an example of biological family and an adoptive family and That was like another just like grace and encouragement that I received and like just love from the Father that I received in that moment to be like look like We even see this type of family in the holy family And so from that day I I think like I took the biggest step that I could in this whole journey to really allow the Lord to start leading and To allow him to show us how he wanted to build our family in his timing. Yeah, and I love that your prayer like in that moment shifted from praying Lord help us get pregnant to Lord Mayor will be done So that shift in that prayer and that that surrender was really powerful and that changed everything for me I think like my day to day my demeanor like my approach to our journey of growing our family like There was such a joy and lightness that came in the months leading after because truly every single day I changed my prayer every single day. I started praying like Lord change my heart to will what you will yeah And that changed every yeah, and so that was like honestly just a little Christmas miracle that Mara got to experience there truly and then in the months following that she started doing a lot of research and talking to friends and then the months following Christmas like Mara Started doing all the research and it's like starting to get really excited about this I was trying to find people who had already adopted because they actually didn't share like with our friends or family that we were Discerning so I had one person in my life one friend that had adopted and I was like I need to call them first Yeah, and like hear about their experience and so Mara is sharing this like she shared this little Christmas miracle That happened in her heart and then she started talking to her friend and then her friend recommended a book Meanwhile Mara is like you're like excited about it. She's like oh my gosh like there's a light at the end of the tunnel like this This is a beautiful way that the Lord is inviting us to grow our family and I think that like the more I dove into the different resources the more My heart open to it and I think that's a really good sign and discernment right like the more doors you open as you continue to do that when you feel like peace and consolation Like that's where the Lord is leading you and so this friend recommended a book and I read this book this friend recommended some different adoption Engines to talk to you and me like on phone calls with them and all of these different steps open my heart more and more and I think there was really a moment where In this book I was reading it said something that kind of made me realize like wow This is really beginning to be like my own desire for motherhood the author was saying how he wasn't really open to the idea of adoption Him and his wife struggled with infertility. It's a Protestant pastor who talks about the biblical foundations of adoptions. It's called adopted for life It's a great book we can link it in the show notes and I was listening it to on listening to it on audible and he says that like He knew that his heart actually desired to adopt a child when like in the morning he would wake up and the first thing he thought about wasn't like His wife getting pregnant anymore like you know when you're just so excited about something and it's always on your mind You wake up and it's like the first thing you think about like I've experienced that so much in this journey We're like I wake up and I'm like gosh I just like wonder if this will be the month that we get pregnant or like I wonder if you know This Christmas will be the Christmas that we get to share with our family the news and stuff like that and In this book he was like I knew that I had that shift when in the morning all of a sudden I started daydreaming about like picking up a baby at the hospital and It was crazy because just like the few days before I read that and like the whole like week leading up before that Like I had started to notice that like that's what I was thinking about in the morning and Especially because I had found right these different creators online That we're sharing about their journey. I think like that was just on my mind And I would just like wake up in the morning and I was like wow like what if that could be us one day like What would it be like to like go to hospital and like pick up a baby and like there was like excitement that like came along with that And when and when he said that he was like and then I realized like that was like the desire that I had on my heart and That was a huge part for me because the Lord was starting to change my heart The Lord was starting to open my heart and I realized that like it was coming from within Yeah, so your daydreaming you were used to daydream about getting a positive pregnancy test and then your daydream shifted to picking up a baby at the hospital or like doing some of the adoption and so that's where Mario is at Meanwhile, I was still pretty closed off to it We were having his conversations with each other. We were having conversations with adoption agencies and consultants and we're like trying to do this research and All the while like these conversations just always tended to end up very tense because Mario's really excited. She wanted me to be excited, but I wasn't there. I didn't really want to talk about it and Obviously like we know that the adoption process is very long and so Mari was feeling like we're called to this I'm excited about this We got to get started now because it's gonna take a long time. We don't want to delay any further But I was holding us back and so there's just and and that's just like so classic of like my personality Like if you know me like once I like see a new thing or a new project or like a new dream I'm like okay great. What is the path to get there like now? Let's now let's start and let's go after it right and so once I started Feeling this desire. I don't even and I always told tray this in our conversations like I Don't feel like God is calling us to adopt Until we're both ready. Of course. Yeah, so like you would be like okay Well, you feel like God's calling us to this like I'm not there yet. I'm like well Yeah, I feel so much openness and it's a radical shift from what I used to feel so I know it's God working in my heart But I can't say with a hundred percent certainty that God is calling us to adoption unless were both on the same page, because he's one thing my spiritual director said to me that really brought me a lot of pieces that like he's not going to prepare my heart and not yours. Yeah. He's not going to have this plan for our family and forget to clue you in on it. Yeah. You know, especially like as the husband and future father of our family, like my spiritual director was like, this is a great time for you to practice patience and for you to practice the hostility, Mari, and like following in your husband's like leadership and footsteps. And if he's not ready and if his discernment hasn't gotten to where yours is, like it's not God calling you yet and it's not the time yet. And the biggest thing for me, the biggest obstacle was this feeling like I did not want adoption to be plan B. I did not want adoption to be the next best option or the solution to this problem of infertility that we were experiencing. And it just felt like, well, we're just going to have to settle for adoption because we can't get pregnant. And I was I wasn't truly like, desirous of adoption for adoption sick. And so that's where I was really hung up. And then, um, fast forward through the summer, like we were still doing some research, having these conversations off and on, um, praying about it a lot and just doing that discernment process. And was there anything in the summer that you want to bring up? Well, I think like a lot of the tense conversations we had were like over the spring where like I was really pushing forward and you were like, I'm not, I'm not there yet. And I kind of reckon and this was all at the same time as like we were still pursuing our fertility appointments, treatments, procedures, all the things that we've been going through over the last few years. Like we were still doing all of that. So it was just like a lot of pressure, emotional turmoil, like all this stuff, right? So I think it was just a lot. And I think like by the end of the spring early summer, I kind of was just like, okay, I'm going to pull back on like bringing this up. I'm going to trust in this like thing that my spiritual director told me that like God's going to prepare both of us in our time. Like and I just need to trust that the Lord's going to like work and trace heart when it's the time. And if it's not, then it's not the time, right? So I just decided to kind of stop bringing it up as much or stop starting these conversations. And instead I just kind of quietly started to pray for Tray and his heart and really just prayed for him to feel conviction over some part of this process that he could get excited about some part of this process and kind of take leadership in that. And so I was just kind of doing that on my own and we didn't really talk about it until maybe the end of the summer again. Yeah. Yeah. And so yeah, I didn't summer. I was you know, I read the book that adopted for life book. I was just praying through it and still just felt very stuck, not not desire to step it. And then I remember we went to Mexico with Marys family in August. And I remember shortly after coming home from that trip, just being in prayer one morning. And for the first time, I felt this like sliver of excitement in my heart about adoption. And I was the first time I ever experienced it. And it was while I was praying about and like the excitement came at the thought of adopting a Hispanic baby. And I was like, okay, that's weird. But let me just look into it. And so then after a couple searches on Shatchy BT, we seem like there's a lot more obstacles through international adoption. And so I was a little bit of a bummer because that was the first time I'd been excited about adoption. And seemed like there's more obstacles. And so I was like, okay, well, and then a month later, I was at a grotto praying in front of Mary. And there was like, that was my surrender moment where I just finally, I felt like let go and just like truly, truly surrendered. Just like the entire infertility, the our family, anything with adoption, just whatever I was calling us to, like I just surrendered everything to Mary and just asked her to just enter seed for us and I just gave it a hur. And that was it. It was just a moment of surrender and just giving it all to Mary. And then a few days later, there was a noticeable shift in my heart, like very distinct. There was the conversations that my and I started having where they were filled with excitement and joy. And I was one starting the conversation as opposed to being like waiting for Mary to start the conversation and just being, we're talking about this again. And so I would bring it up and I was really excited. And that was a huge thing. For me, I had stopped bringing it up over the summer and you came back from your travels in September where you had this experience and you brought it up and you brought it up on your own and you were like, I could tell, like kind of excited and intrigued and interested and excited. And I was just kind of like, what is going on? Yeah. That was rolling with it. Yeah. And then there was a few things in those conversations that were that I think really made a big difference, a big impact in my prayer life. And there's the two things that Mary said was one. She kind of made this comment or we realized that we had been trying for kids for over three years at this point and to have a family and we had never once read a book on parenting or a book on raising children. And we didn't need all the education and the prep to know that we were called to raise children and to know that we were desirous of kids. And up to that point, I felt like this whole adoption process was really intimidating and really scary and was like just this big, serious decision, which it is. But we were like, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves in that time to learn as much as possible and read. So I was reading books on how to parent adopted children and trying to like get feedback and hear about other people's experience about like what it was like to raise their like older children now that were adopted at some point. And the reality that just kind of struck me was like, am I really choosing the decision to adopt a child based off of like what it might be like to parent them when they're teenagers? Like that's not a reason to choose or not choose parenthood. And one thing that someone said to me is like you like your own kid's not going to be perfect. Like you think your own kid's going to be perfect and perfectly healthy and perfectly behaved and that's not true. Like every human being is different, every child is different. You don't know what your own biological children stories are going to be either. And so they're like you don't like your own kid could have ex-faisy behavioral problems when they're teenagers too. Like it's not like there's like a stigma I think right like a rounded option. And so I was really trying to do a lot of research and putting a lot of pressure and then one morning it just kind of came like I haven't read a single pregnancy book, a single parenting book, a single like how to raise your own kid book. And we have been trying for kids for years. Yeah. Like the realizations we didn't need all of this research and education to know if we were called to adopt or not. Like we can make the decision to like desire adoption and to be called to adoption without all of the like education and research and stuff. And so then that was really freeing for us to be like okay wow. Like this is a decision that we can make now even if we don't feel completely prepared. Because it's like one you're never going to be into it's like it's not like we were completely prepared for parenthood with biological kids either. It's like what we knew we were called to them, we knew we were already desires of that. And like we have definitely done our due diligence in researching like what is it like how to do the adoption right and like knowing that like this is a call that we are that the Lord is calling us to. But it's less about like choosing it because of what's going to come later. You know what I mean? I hope that makes sense. Yeah. And then that was one thing that was like oh wow okay that was really freeing that realization. And then the other thing that happened in September there was a moment where I thought that I might be pregnant and it was so weird because for the first time thinking that I almost felt like a sadness in my heart at the same time because I was like well shoot if we are pregnant then like Tray's not going to let us adopt because like we already got our kid. And it was like so weird because like I've been waiting to be pregnant for like almost four years. And a moment where I thought that I might be feeling that like kind of like sadness and almost that like hesitancy of like wait no like I can't get pregnant yet because like we're gonna adopt like we want to like go down this path and like this might ruin that like whole plan. That really revealed to me like what my true desire was. And so we were on a walk one day around our neighborhood just like walking our dog and I was like Tray just like have to tell you something. And I just like told them like what I was kind of thinking and feeling the last like week. Yeah and just hearing her say that like like that was really powerful because that alleviated my primary obstacle and concern that the adoption would be the second best option or plan B. And so hearing her say that was like wow this is regardless of when or if we get pregnant like adoption is planet like that is what my desires. And that like hearing her say that like excited me and released that fear that I had on my heart and a lot. and maybe like, wow, I can feel my heart, I'm a green with that. And I mean, this is all in the heels of surrendering this entire thing to Mary. And they're being this very distinct shift in my heart where it was like I was closed off and then I surrendered to Mary and then I was open. And then all these things start piling up and I'm like, wow, I'm excited now. And then I started realizing with kind of what Marri said earlier, it was like my daydream started to become adopting kids and I was just like, wow, you're right. And so-- And it was crazy how like that just all followed like your surrender moment to you and it just goes to show. When we truly let go of this grasp that we have, if there's something in our lives that we have been grasping and grasping and grasping and waiting periods can be really hard, right? And like the moment we're able to not think about it or not stress about it, right? But just the moment we're actually able to surrender it to the Lord and be like, I obviously still deeply care about this and want to heal our fertility. But like Lord, we're going to release this to you. We're going to surrender to you. We're going to let you take control of our lives. We're going to let you lead. We're going to let you show us how you want to build our family. And when we were both able to have those moments separately in our own time, it's like exactly-- you said just like this like deep seated desire that the Lord has placed on our hearts, like really started to flourish. And we both started to get excited about it at the same time, talking about it at the same time. And we realized like, wow, we desire this just as much as biological children. And I told Trey, like, Trey, even if we get pregnant tomorrow, I still want to adopt. I still want to move forward. And I was 100%. We're now adoption became plan A. And so at that point, we're now like 95, maybe even 98% sure, that we are called to adoption and that we want it. But there's still this hesitation and the fear because we're like, this is still a big deal. This is a huge decision. Huge decision. Huge decision. And one thing that I kept thinking about was like, this is like on the same level as choosing who you're going to marry, which is huge. Like you're choosing to add another human being into your life for the rest of your life. And so I was like, wow, I need God to really give me that extra confirmation. And I don't know if you guys have ever done this. And God's probably like, oh, you of little faith. Why do you need more? Like I've already given you so much. I've already changed your heart so much. You guys are both on the same page. This is a beautiful thing. Go for it. But I was just like, Lord, I need you to really smack me in the face with it. I need you to show me that this is truly the path. And I was like, I know you've probably already done your work here. Giving me the breadcrumbs, but-- Yeah. Like you've already given me the breadcrumbs trail. And I'm probably just dumb enough to miss it, and blind enough to all the ways that you're working in my life. So please, I need a billboard. I need something huge, like a billboard, to literally say, dear Mari, you're called to adopt love God. And so I literally started praying for a billboard. I started praying for a tangible sign that told me we were called to adopt. And there was one warning in prayer. I was back at this church that I loved so much. And it was just such a dry prayer. Like that whole week, I had been to Adoration every single day. I'm really trying to show up to lean into my relationship with God and to allow God the space to speak to me and give me this confirmation that I'm asking for. And I just felt like prayer was literally so dry and quiet. And I was just getting frustrated on this last day of this week that I had been going to Adoration every day. I just was like, OK, I'm going to pull out scripture and see what scripture has to say. And just like let scripture lead my prayer. And I opened up to this random gospel, and it's Jesus healing a blind man. And as he approaches a blind man, he asks him, what do you want me to do for you? And the blind man says that he wants healing and wants to see. And so Jesus heals him. And he goes off on his merry way. And in that moment, I felt like this kind of jealousy and anger towards this blind man and Jesus healing him in this moment, because I was like, Lord, why don't you ask me what do you want me to do for you? Like I've been telling you what I wanted you to do for me for the past four years. Why don't you just ask me, daughter, what do you want me to do for you? I'll do it for you. And then just do it. Just like you did for this man. And he didn't even know you. And I know you, and I follow you, and I love you. And you haven't asked me. It was very much like an older son. Proud of a old son moment where the Lord's like, you already have everything. And I was just like, throwing tantrum. And again, one of those times where I just felt the Lord speak to me in my heart. And he looked at me and he was like, OK, all right, daughter, I'll ask you, what do you want me to do for you? Now's your chance. And in my heart, I was like, OK. I have one shot at this. This is my one wish. You know, like the genie in the bottle, you get three wishes. It doesn't work like that, but yes. That's what it felt like. I know that that's my how God works. But I was like, this is like my one shot right now. And so anyways, I'm like praying. And I'm like, writing down my prayer journal. Everything that's going through my head now is like, OK, Lord, what do I truly want in my heart? First and foremost, I want my heart to always be aligned with your will. Like, that's truly the bottom line of my prayer from now on, because it doesn't work any other way. I'm miserable if I keep trying to grasp for what I want. And it's not in line with your will. I just want to do your will. But Lord, like, if I got to pick what that will was, like if I got to pick what your will was, I'm just going to leave it at your feet here. You do what you want with it, right? And I was like, if I'm being really honest with myself, I want both. Like, I desire both an adoptive child and a biological child. And so I was like, Lord, like, hear my prayer. This is what's truly on my heart. And this church that I was at, there's like, it's a gorgeous stained glass window, and all these, like, different saints are on the stained glass window. And I was just looking up at all of them. And I was like, wow, I have asked for the intercession of all of these saints, like, JP2 and St. Teresa and St. Faustina and Arleigh of Guadalupe. And you're like, I've done that, Navina. I've done that, Navina. I've asked you, I've asked you. How many Navinas have we prayed? How many facets have we done? How many, like, miraculous relics? How we, you know, prayed with from all these saints? And I mean, still love these saints, right? But like, the Lord has a plan. And I was basically just like, who do I pray to? Who do I ask for their intercession for this, this big prayer that I'm asking of the Lord right now, of one biological child and one adoptive child? And randomly in that moment, St. Carlo Acutees popped into my head. He was recently canonized just this summer, right? August, September. I don't know, yeah, but super recent. May? So it was super recent just in the last few months that he got canonized. And it just popped into my head. And I was like, yes, like, Carlo, you are like a new saint around here. Like, you're the new kid and everybody loves you. And I'm sure you're not as busy as St. Perez, like, sending out all these flowers to everybody. Like, I'm going to choose you. I'm going to ask for your intercession, your prayers, for this intention. And so I set a prayer to Carlo Acutees in that moment to intercede for us. Then that was on a Thursday. That following weekend, Trey was out of town on a silent retreat. And I was home alone. And I just don't sleep when he's gone. Like, I just like have a horrible night's sleep. I just like can't rest. So I was up like super late every night. And Saturday night, I literally didn't get to bed till like two in the morning. And so the next morning, I was originally planning to go to an 8 AM Mass on that Sunday, because Trey was going to go to Mass at his retreat. And I just could not get up in the morning. I had had such bad nights of sleep the night so before. And I was like, no, I need to sleep in. So then I missed the 8 AM. I missed the 9.45. I missed the 10. And I was going to make it to the 11, or is it 11.30? One of the two. And I was like scrambling to eat my breakfast before the Mass fast and get out the door. And then I was like, why am I rushing so much? I can't make it. I'm still going to be late, right? It was a rough morning, you guys. And that evening, I was taking photos for a family. It's like a random thing I do inside sometimes. And so I was just like taking like family photos for somebody that evening at the time that the evening Mass was going on. So I already knew I wasn't going to be able to make it to the evening Mass. And so then I opened the Mass Times app, which I honestly had never used before. I think I had to like download it or something. And I was like, there has to be a Mass in Northern Colorado somewhere, or even if I have to drive down to Denver, like in the middle of the day, like noon, like a one, like it's got to exist somewhere. So I look it up and there's a church near us that has on the app it said a 12, 30 Mass. And I was like, perfect. I'm going to go to that Mass. And it happens to be in Spanish, which is like so classic. I feel like all the Spanish Masses are like in the middle of the day, like in the afternoon. And I'm Colombian. I speak-- fluent in Spanish. I was like great not a problem for me like I'll go to that mass. I mean even if it was Chinese I would have had to go But anyways, and so I'm like getting ready like get out the door and make it to the 1230 mass and I'm still rushing you guys. I'm like on the phone with Tray because he got off his silent retreat And he was starting to drive back home and I'm driving into the parking lot of the church and I'm like Tray I got to go it's 1236 mass started six minutes ago and like I need to make it to this And I run in the church and there's like 10 people there No mass, no priest 10 people praying the rosary and I was like what? Like I totally missed it like what the heck and so I text Tray like there's nobody here What do I do? And he's like call me back? So I walk back out of the church and I call him and he's like did you check the website? You always have to cross check the website. Mari like mass times app is never accurate so Everybody just remember that if you're traveling trying to find a mass always cross check the website when you can So in that moment I'm on the phone with Tray and I'm looking up the time and then I realized it's actually at 1 p.m So I think they they had moved the time and it's actually at 1 p.m So thank God I made it to church actually 30 minutes early and In the meantime Tray was like hey like just like talking to the phone Let's talk about a couple things while he's driving back and so I'm out there Outside the church talking on the phone and they have this little balcony until I just go over and like lean over the balcony And I'm just like chatting with Tray and while I'm talking I my gaze turns and I Look at this like sign that they have in the very entrance of the church It's this big sign that says adoption is the loving option. It was like this big sign in the middle of the entryway just like Sitting there at this church that we never go to at a time that you never been to mass Yeah, and like there's no context for why this sign is there Mm-hmm, and so I'm like Tray like I'm on the phone with him and I'm like Tray Tray there's a sign there there's a sign in this church This is what it says and I'm like already starting to tear up and he's like oh my gosh, Mari And I'm like this is my billboard like I just felt it in my heart. I had chills over my body I was like been praying for the billboard. This is my billboard. I was like do you think that there's like Like that this sign is up at every Catholic church this weekend and he's like no No, Mari like this is so random like this whole like just like adoption sign is Standing there in the middle of this entryway the church like this is for you and I think what's crazy is that One that it's just random church that we never got a church to and it says random time and like the fact that you had to get there Early yes accidentally because if you if mass actually started at 12 30 you would have rushed into mass six minutes late Yep, miss the sign completely then on the way out it would have been crowded and you would have just walked out Which is which is what I walked right by it and never see that because of the crowds and just like getting on with your day That's exactly what have happened because when I walked into the church I rushed through and I didn't see it and I walked right past it Yeah, like I rushed in because I thought I was late and the only reason I thought was because I walked back out and there was nobody in the entry But then when I actually went to mass and then we all got out I couldn't see the sign anymore because people were covering it Yep, because it was so crowded and so literally like the Lord like Got me there early. Yeah to see this sign while you were on the phone with me. Yeah, yeah That was awesome experience it together and so you know We're on the phone like just excited kind of like crying But like we're not able to be in person so we're like okay Wait till you get home and then I'm like hey, I gotta go to mass and I Want to spend some time praying so I'm like okay, I gotta go and I and I walk back into the church and the moment I walk back into the church I see this huge our lady of Guadalupe statue in the church which is beautiful and and stunning and the colors of this statue are very vibrant and they're just like particular shades of our lady of Guadalupe and It reminded me it took me back to this like powerful like prayer experience that I had a year and a half before Like or two years before like a year and a half into our infertility journey was when I publicly shared on Instagram that we were struggling and After sharing that publicly like that was that was really hard for me to basically Accept and like embrace this as part of my story and sharing that really like allowed me to do that and the moment I posted I was home alone and I just like broke down crying and There's this image we have in our home of our lady of Guadalupe and so I went and I nail I knelt down in front of her and I just like asked her for comfort and For mothering in this moment of suffering and I was like mom. I need you to show me some sort of sign that I'm going to be a mom one day because like I can't keep going with this like uncertainty of like are we ever going to be parents? Is this ever going to work and The very next day in the morning. I open my phone scrolling on Instagram as I do and the first thing that pops up is this real of an artist that I I'd never followed or anything never heard of and It was this painting this watercolor painting of our lady of Guadalupe These beautiful vibrant colors, but the thing that caught my attention immediately Was our lady of Guadalupe the way she was depicted in this painting her face Looks exactly like me like exactly like crazy. It's hard to explain you guys But like it looks like someone took a picture of me painted me in a watercolor and like put our lady of Guadalupe's outfit on me like it's like my face It's my hair color. It's the length of my hair. It's like the wispy ends that I have in my hair. It's my skin color like The features the shape of my face everything like I stopped immediately because I was like that looks like me and it's our lady of Guadalupe And in this painting she has her arms wrapped around three children and In that moment like I knew in my heart that this was my answered prayer where our lady was like It's okay. You will be like you're gonna be a mom one day. You can rest in that fact and What's crazy is like the three children in this painting are all different races and And so there was a little sliver in my heart in that moment right a year and a half into the journey where I thought like that I was gonna be called to be an adoptive mother and At that moment I was like okay, we're gonna set that aside like we're gonna focus on the fact that I'm gonna be a mom And then we'll get to the other part later, right? But as I walk back into this church, okay now fast forward to this fall and I walk back into this church and I see that Arleigh of Guadalupe statue and for some reason like those colors of that statue like brought me back to this prayer experience and Reminded me and I had kind of I'd not thought about that moment in a really long time and it totally connected them in my head And it was like this extra confirmation where our lady was like see I planted the seed like I three years ago Yeah, like like I told you like I told you you'd be a mom and like here I am again like confirming this call that the Lord has for your family of adoption Like I'm right here and I've been right here with you the whole time And in that moment in my head and my heart like I literally I just felt like I like saw like the last like four years of our journey like Speed through like all these images like in my head and it just felt like the Lord was like This is your story. Yeah, this was always the plan like this was always your story, Mari like I think anybody that is going through something like this or going through unexpected Health journeys or grief like you never think this is going to be a part of your life, right? And so I think especially the first few years of our journey I like could not accept that this was part of our Story and I kept telling the Lord that he messed up like I felt like he had swapped my story with someone else's and like he He'd forgotten to keep writing my story Right and like there was so much Prayer that like got me to a place to where I like recognize like okay Like the Lord is working in our life, but even still there was that like how could this be my story? It's all just like unknown to all this unknown So in that moment the Lord is like this is your story this has always been your story I've always planned this for you like I have never left and I've never forgotten you in any part of your journey And like you have Adoptive children yeah like and you would have never found them if I hadn't brought you through this journey And it all came together so I mean you can imagine that mask was like so emotional for me I'm like here by myself just like crying in my pew at this like Spanish mask at this church that we've like never gone to mass too And then the craziest part The craziest part you guys was this all happened on St. Carlo Cudi's Beste Like four days after you had prayed for St. Carlo to enter seed for you I walk out of my eyes and I get in the car and I look up the date because something in me was like Maybe the priest mentioned it at mass Either way I don't know either way Something was mentioned and then I looked at the date and I was like oh my gosh It's in Carlo Cudi's feast day And it all came together and I was like he answered my prayer wow like the saints are real you guys the saints are real Yeah, they hear prayers and they pray for us And so I was just like so pumped and try to go home that day from this silent retreat And the whole next day We went on this like day day up to the mountains and just like debrief. So like yeah everything that happened in the past year. And yeah, and then like that day we made the decision, okay, like we are adopted. Like we want this so bad, God's clearly calling us to adoption. And at that point we felt in our hearts like we have kids out there. Yeah. And it's this weird like parental like mom-a-beer feeling now where I'm like I know my kids are out there and like I have to go find them. Like we got to get this process started because I got to go pick up my babies. Yep. And then the final decision was okay we know we're called adoption we know we're desires of this and this is what we want. This is plan A. The next option is like okay there's either an international adoption and that point we had narrowed it down to Columbia because that's where Maris families from and that's where I was born. Yep. And it's just like a beautiful family culture right. Yeah and it happens to also be the one of the easier countries for international adoption especially in Latin America or just domestic newborn adoption here in the United States. Yeah. So we were discerning and praying through and trying to make this decision of which around. And it was crazy like a week after we decided that we were adopting. I got some call from my grandma and she's telling me that she's going to sell like my dad's childhood home which is like the house that like we grew up going to whenever we visited Columbia and it's very meaningful to me and I'd always wanted to take tray there and take him to Columbia and like go to my grandma's house and so when she told me she's selling her house and she has a buyer and everything I was like what? Like we can't let this opportunity go by like tray has to go see this house and like it was just like a lot it was hard for me to think of that like tray would have never gotten to see this place that meant so much to me. And to all of a sudden I was like if we want if I want tray to go see this house like we got to fly to Columbia like like now you know like really soon. And so I was like okay well like maybe next month we can go we'll have to start planning like an already that felt super soon to me. I mean Columbia is like you know a whole different continent like it just felt like this like huge huge trip right and I was like there's no way we can get out there. And then my dad happened to have a business trip coming up and so he called me and he was like I'm flying to Columbia tomorrow. Do you want to come with me? Like I'm already going you and Tray can just come it'll be easy but I'm leaving tomorrow. Yeah. I'm like why are you telling me as if the last moment? But for some reason it didn't seem crazy to me in that moment. No like there was like you brought this up to me you're like should we go and I was like I don't see why not like there was just this like peace and this like desire and this peace is the only way to describe it. So five days after we made the decision that we were going to adopt we decided we booked a flight at like midnight or 11 p.m. and then we flew the next day. Yeah literally Tray bought the flight and checked into the flight when he bought it. Yes. And so we literally flew the next day. We took a red eye we flew to Columbia and we spent a week there with my family spending such quality time with my grandma my aunts my uncles my little cousins it was amazing. It's got to cheer the house you grew up in and yeah it was beautiful and all the while like we're just holding this in our hearts that we know we're going to adopt we don't know if it's going to be domestic in a United States or Columbia in international. And this whole week while we're there like I mean you kept bringing up like all right like I want Columbia baby. Yeah that's where my heart was. My heart was like more towards Columbia babies. And you were excited about it. I was so excited about it. Like and again like I just kept thinking like I prayed for Tray to be like excited and convicted about some part of this process. And for like last few months he couldn't like let go of like this like for some reason this interest in like a Hispanic baby. Yeah like that my first the first time I got excited about adoption was within the context of a Hispanic national adoption. And then that stuck with me ever since then. And then being in Columbia like it just kept coming up and you're like Maari like what's it all Columbia babies like I won't come in babies. And in my heart I was like okay like I love that he's so excited about this and this is obviously where my family's from. And I was feeling excitement towards it too because like being with my family and my little cousins like it just reminded me like Columbia culture is what feels like family to me. That's what I grew up in. And I want that for a child and I want that like for our family too. And so I was like growing in this desire. And yet I still had a little bit in my heart that was like but I know that if we adopt domestically in the US like we'll be able to go to the hospital and pick up the baby as a newborn. And that was something I had always desired. And I just kind of felt like anytime I thought that the Lord like just placed on my heart like trust me like you'll have that you'll have that moment one day like you'll hold a newborn one day but just trust me. And so yeah it was like another little like kind of just this like extra last surrender of like okay Lord I'm truly gonna let go of anything I would have imagined and would have hoped what is it that you have for us. And when we really got down to it like we both had such a desire for Colombian adoption. Yeah. And so we got home like a couple days after that trip. And we're like sitting at the dinner table and we're like okay like let's just walk through this like mental exercise to kind of see how each scenario feels. So I was like walking trade through like okay like domestic adoption like what that would look like and you know we do our paperwork and we get it. Like close your eyes and yeah I was like close your eyes and imagine this trade you know the adoption agent calls us and they're like the mom you know the mom birth mom chose you guys out of everybody and like babies born and you got to come tomorrow to Arizona to pick up your baby and how does that feel right. Like the flight Arizona you walk in the hospital you pick up the baby like you kind of walk through the whole. You walk through the whole process and we take this baby home like how does that feel. And we were both like wow that's awesome like we can't wait like that's so exciting. Yeah. And then I'm like okay now close your eyes again and we're like you know getting a call from our Colombian adoption agent saying that we got matched with a child or babies. I think in that scenario I was like we got matched with like babies is what I said. And I was like and just imagine like then we get cleared to travel and we're flying to Colombia ready to pick up our babies and we pick them up and we're on our way home with like no you don't even finish you're not able to finish like explaining the picture because like you're already crying. Yeah. I'm crying. Like in the middle of me like trying to paint this picture like I can't even get through my words. Yeah. Because I a little just break down crying. Yeah. And then I look over like trace crying. Yeah. And so I'm just like okay what are we doing like this is like we know the decision. And so we decided right then and there like it will be Colombia adoption. And and then shortly after we're like heck why not just choose to like we'll just say we're open to two like we don't know what the Lord has for us. So we're gonna say we're open to one or two kids twins or a sibling pair and whatever is available or like whatever comes first whatever the Lord has for us like that'll be our kid or kiddos. Yeah. Yeah it was weird it was like God just put that on our heart like we had never talked about adopting two kids like no. That's what happened was we were on the phone with the Colombian adoption agency and she asked us. Well I mentioned I told her like oh okay okay okay so there's like this like low-key dream I had where I was like I think I would love twins like I would be so down to adopt twins. And so I kind of told this to the Colombian adoption agent and I was like we're super open to twins by the way like we would totally take twins. And she was like oh you're open to two babies. Oh what about a sibling pair and I was like wait oh like then we're like we're talking about it but like okay yeah I don't think I would say no. And so then she started to explain the scenario she's like well yeah like sometimes there's young sibling pairs and you know like what if there's a little like two-year-old and a six-month-old like would you be open to that and I was like well if you actually called me and said like there's these babies like I don't think I would say no. Yeah. Like I don't think I could say no. Exactly. So then that really showed me like that there's like there was an openness to like multiple children. Like what if the Lord has? Yeah whatever the Lord has. So anyways we told the adoption agent that we're open to one or two babies and we don't know what's gonna happen right we've given it all to the Lord. Maybe he has one for us. Maybe he has two. Maybe one day we'll adopt multiple from Columbia or from the U.S. who knows at this point like we're so radically open to however God wants to build our family. So we might be adopting one or two babies in the foreseeable future. It's quite a process and we're kind of at this point when we're telling you all this story we're at the very beginning. We're not quite sure when we're sharing all this publicly. So we're at the very beginning of this story and it's about a year year and a half on average could be longer could be shorter from the time that you begin to the time that you get matched with a baby. So the first step right now is like getting accepted into the agency and then starting the home study and then doing all that paperwork and then for our case it's international so then we'll send it all to the United States government, they work with the clombing government. So we have to do both work with both. governments, everything has to get translated. And then once all that's done, then we're in the waiting pool and the waiting period to get matched. That could take, who knows how long. And then once we match, then we'll fly down to Columbia and we'll be there for about a month to finalize the adoption in Columbia, do the court date. And then we have to, I think, get the immigration approved and then come back. So yeah, I mean, we're probably a year. I mean, from right now, the time of recording, the year you're in half out from matching it, picking up the catered kiddos. And we could have been more excited. We couldn't be more excited. It's crazy to finally be able to say that we're going to be grandparents. And the ages of these babies or babies that we're picking up, we don't know yet, right? But they're likely not newborns. I think the youngest it could possibly be a couple months old. And so what's crazy to think about is like these babies could already be alive. They could already be in their mother's womb or they could already be born. So we're praying for them so much. We're praying for the birth mom so much and for a healthy pregnancy and for safety. And yeah, just like as much as she can to care for these babies that are going to be ours one day. So we just want to share our story with you and then also invite you guys to join us in prayer. If you want to pray for our family, pray for patients, pray for us to just have the grace to persevere because this is also a bit of an intense journey as I've heard from people that have gone through it. So prayers for us, prayers for the mama, prayers for the babies and just for this process to be smooth and quick, please. Yes. And we're so excited. One thing that Mariana are doing is on Fridays, we're going to be having like specific prayer and fasting for this intention. And so invite you if you want to join us on Fridays with prayer and fasting for this adoption process. Yeah, it can be anything you want. It can be a short prayer, a mass, a eucharistic adoration. In whatever way you want to participate, like your prayer is the biggest gift that you could give us. And we're so grateful for all of you that will be joining us on this journey spiritually, praying for us and for our future kids and our family. Yeah. Thanks for joining us and just supporting us on our journey. Thank you so much for listening in. If you've enjoyed this episode, please share it with your friends and on social media. And give me a five star reading on whatever podcast platform you're listening on. That helps me in the show out so much. Also, make sure to follow the podcast on Instagram @EverBePodcast. And if you want more content like this and you don't already follow me, you can also follow me on Instagram @mari.c.wagner. And may his praise ever be on our lips. God bless.