223. Other Right Hand w/ Spike F*ck *Preview*

Um, yeah, I mean, I, I, I can't, I almost can't help myself in terms of that aspect. Like even this conversation, I'm like, God, like just shut up, like just stop saying just say less. Like, you know, I'm just like, I'm sort of this, but it's just how it's just what it is. It's like I can't, um, I can't, there is this, this is real element of, of the way that I am and I'm assuming the way other people are, but it seems to me, maybe I'm particularly like this, is that there really is no, I can't really comment on any other, any other person, like, uh, experience of the world or, or, or world view as much as I, I do, um, I, but, but I, I have no right to because it's my like subjective experience of the world is like all that I know, and it's extremely, um, like, it's so pressing on me that, that is, like, like a bad mood is like the end of the world, um, you know, a good mood is, is everything is going to be okay. And I, you know, again, that might be the same for everybody else, but I don't know. Point is that like, with the music back then and, and now it's, it is something that has been like, uh, hugely cathartic. And so, and, and it's a way to deal with this like, um, self obsession and like, naval gazing thing that I have, and I think that we're all probably all driven by like, um, out like base ones and desires, but music feels like slightly more elevated than, than the content of what I'm seeing about, which is struggles and sort of like desires and, um, and, and like a bad mood and like sort of bad, um, I don't want to say trauma because I sort of, I, I think it's like, that's a loaded term that I think is just, uh, useless at this point, but yeah, like, like what, what human life does to people, um, music is a way to sort of like redeem that in, in some small sense, but music is like devotional in the way that, um, religion is, and as someone that is very single-minded, I guess it would make sense that the exact point at which I started, music again, is the exact point that I stopped practicing religion. Um, but, but I guess I wrote this record like, so when I first got back to music again, I like, I hadn't touched the guitar for years, picked it up and at like all of this stuff, I came like sort of spewed all of this stuff out, um, and I listened back to the record, it's unreleased currently, but I listened back and it's like, it's like really, it sounds so claustrophobic, it sounds so, um, in like sort of like intellectually, or like sort of like, uh, there's nothing bodily about it, there's nothing physical or human about it, and from, from what I can hear in the writing and stuff, it's sort of meandering and it's like self-serious and it's like, it's self-moric and it's a way that I was trying so hard to avoid. But like, it was this, um, so I don't particularly don't really like it at the moment, but, um, but so in this time of total isolation and everything where I wrote this record, um, that's sort of what came out, and then I've written something else recently and been recording it that, um, isn't so self-serious, it's sort of like a reaction to that mood, um, but, but equally, like, they're both, like, I just, it sort of like, um, like middle of the road, like, the way, like sort of like banal way of speaking that people, you know, how people speak in day-to-day life, um, I like to be stimulated, I like to be like, um, exhilarated, and so if I'm gonna write music, if I'm gonna make art, it sort of surrounds like, fairly like, purion to like, maybe not period now, but like, at least like, um, like, extreme, there's like an extremity to it, even if the subject matter is religion. I'm interested in religion in a sort of like, violent way or in a way that's like, you know, Christ on the cross, rather than like, sort of redeemed Christ. Um, like, there has to be some violence and like, macabreness to it that, um, that I guess, yeah, not everybody relates to it or understands, but, but that's what honesty is, if we're talking in like an emotional sense, I've just even just talking about how I feel, it has to be like, expressed in such a way that it's like, you know, you need to feel it like, like, like, like, you know, sort of like a cut, um, or something, because that's what it feels like. And so maybe that's, that's a way to