39. Other People's Opinions

You're listening to the Life Coaching Secrets Podcast episode number 39. [Music] Did you know that life coaches are needed now more than ever? I'm Frank McReigh, founder of Thriving Coach Academy. I've trained over a thousand coaches and helped them launch their own successful coaching businesses. If you want to make an incredible income and impact as a coach and have a lot of fun doing it, I'll show you exactly how to get it done. This is Life Coaching Secrets. [Music] What's up coaches? In this episode, I'm going to talk about other people's opinions. Other people's opinions. So, how much do you care about what other people think about you? When it really comes down to it, I'm going to share how to deal with criticism from other people, how to deal with judgment from other people, and how to not let that hold you back from showing up fully to your life. This is going to be a juicy one. So buckle up. I've had this episode topic for several months in my list and just the couple of the past couple of weeks, I've had three different clients have a challenge around fear of criticism, fear of judgment come up. So I thought, okay, now is the time. I'm so excited to finally dive into this. Before I jump in, I want to give a quick shout out to Michael, who left us a lovely review on the podcast. Michael wrote, "I listened to the first 20 episodes and in just a few days I was captivated. I went on to join Thriving Coach Academy and I'm so glad I did. I only just started and I'm looking forward to learning more." Thanks, Michael. Appreciate you being in the Academy and also listening. We're so happy to have you. And if you've been listening to this podcast, you've been getting value from it, then please do take a moment and write a review. It definitely helps out our show a lot. Okay, so let's go into this topic. Now, if you find that there's parts of you you want to share, maybe you have a calling you want to pursue. Maybe that's to become a coach or start your own business, but you're worried. You're thinking, what are other people going to think about me? So you end up dimming your light, shrinking down, hiding behind a mask, and perhaps even people pleasing. So one of the signs that you are letting other people's opinions affect you is if you are very sensitive to feedback from others. You might feel like the whole world around you is falling apart when someone criticizes you. It could be very hard for you to receive criticism. Now, what is it that other people have opinions about? Well, just about everything. People have opinions about how we live, what we look like, how we talk, what we wear, what we eat, who we love, how we spend our time, how we spend our money, the decisions we make, our ideas, our goals, and our dreams. People have opinions and judgments about all the things. I'm going to share with you how to overcome this once and for all. Now, it's important to first consider why do other people's opinions affect you so much? Why do you think that is? Here's the answer. Other people's opinions affect you so much because you don't have a solid opinion of yourself. So I want to share a quick story with you of how this came up in a coaching session recently. I was mentoring one of my highest performing coaches, one of my top earning coaches, and she's already making six figures a year. But she was realizing that there was a part of her that was always people pleasing others. And she would kind of do what others wanted to do, say what others wanted to say, please others, and she was worried that if she really started speaking her opinion, then speaking her mind that others would criticize her for sharing those opinions. And she thought that she would never be able to handle that criticism. So I started by saying, okay, well, let's first look at what's in your control and what's not in your control. So what's not in your control is what other people think of you. Okay, we cannot control what other people think of us. So there's no reason to focus on that. But what is in your control is what you think of you. So I asked this client, what is your opinion of you? Forget about other people might think of you. What is your opinion of you? And my client went completely silent. I thought her computer froze. And then she said maybe 10 seconds later, I don't understand what do you mean by this question? And I said, what's your opinion of you? What do you think about you? And she said that she'd never thought about that question before. Now here's why this is such a hard question for most people. Most people do not consider their opinion of themselves. So they rely on other people's opinions of them. And that's why it's hard because most of the time people are looking externally for other people's opinion of them in order to have an opinion of them. So when my client realized this, it was a huge breakthrough for her because she started to examine that question and create her opinion of herself for the first time. Now this is not her opinion of her based on what others have said. It's her opinion of her who she sees herself as a person. Now this is the question that I want you all to be clear on. What are your qualities and your gifts? When you look at your own life that you've created, what's your opinion of you? So after my client put in some thought, she started coming up with answers. She started creating an opinion of herself. She said, well, I care about people, I care about my clients, I know I have value to offer, I know I'm here to make a difference. I'm a person who reaches her goals, I take action, I'm self-disciplined, and she shared all of these beautiful things. And I said, great, that's the only opinion that you need to care about and stick to and have your back on. So the biggest takeaway that I want you all to have through this episode is that the greater your opinion of you, the less important other people's opinions of you become. I'll say that one more time. The greater your opinion of you, the less important other people's opinions of you become. So who's opinions matter to you? Who's opinions do you give the most stock to? And how much stock do you give your opinion of you? So if you're like, okay, I have a really good opinion of me, I'll share the same client. She's like, okay, I'm seeing my opinion of me, but what if I start sharing things online and other people think I'm arrogant? When I start sharing maybe my own personal successes. And I brought it right back to her and said, okay, well, do you think you're arrogant? Do you think you're arrogant? And she's like, well, no, I'm not arrogant. I said, great. So that means there's nothing to be concerned about. So whatever kind of criticism that you're worried about getting from others, that's the type of criticism you need to hold up in the mirror and look at yourself and ask, do I think I'm that way? Right? If you worry that someone's going to see you a certain way, well, do you see yourself that way? The answer is no. And there's nothing holding you back. Have your opinion of you and have your back on that opinion. Because if you don't, if you don't show up to the world fully, if you don't allow yourself to be seen and heard, you end up serving the critic. You end up pleasing the critics, rather than serving your clients, the people who really need what you have to offer, who need to hear the message that you have to share. So who are you here to serve? Because if you're here to serve your critics, that means saying the things, that means just like, you know, not saying anything. If you're here to serve your critics, that means just staying small, staying safe, staying silent. But if you're here to serve the people that most need your message, that means saying the things that need to be said. Just let your critics be critics because that's what the critics do. But you're not here to serve your critics. You're here to serve your clients. So what happens when you develop a positive, healthy opinion of you? There's two things that happen. One is that other people's criticism of you becomes less relevant because you know the truth of who you are. But the other thing that happens when you develop a positive and healthy opinion of you is that other people's praise also becomes less relevant for the same reason. Because you already know the truth of who you are. So let me explain that a little bit. What I first started speaking, doing public speaking years ago, I did not have an opinion of myself. So I would get up in front of the room and I would share my presentation and I'd get feedback from the presentation. All the attendees would be completing these feedback forms about my presentation abilities. And whatever I would get, one piece of negative feedback, it would crush me. I would feel absolutely terrible and I wouldn't be able to not think about that one piece of negative feedback. I would harp over it. I would ruminate about it. And on the other hand, when someone gave me praise, I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad that you liked it. I'm so I'm so happy that you thought that I was good. I didn't have have an opinion of myself. So I was so attached to any kind of criticism or praise I was getting. I felt good when I was getting praise. I felt terrible when I was getting criticism. But then over time I became clear about the person that I am and what I stand for and what I value and the value that I bring. And when that started happening, I noticed that I had a very different experience when other people would share their feedback with me. Whenever I heard criticism, I would say thank you for the feedback or my internal dialogue would be thank you for this feedback. And whenever I heard praise, it became thank you for that compliment. But there was no internalization of it. There was no drama that was created. And that only happened because I got clear about my opinion of me and I stood behind that opinion. Now this doesn't mean that you shut off the whole world and don't receive any feedback and refuse to grow as a person. This is not what I'm saying here. What I'm saying is that when you receive data and when you receive information, you receive it with the foundation of already knowing who you are. So how can you be okay with criticism? How can you be okay when someone has criticism of you? Well, the first thing to know is that when people say that they like you, it's really their idea of you that they like. When people say they don't like you, it's just their idea of you that they don't like. Now sometimes people don't like you because of who we remind them of when we can't control that. Just enjoy people's perception of you without trying to change it. Give people permission not to like you. It's okay for them to have a different opinion of you. Your work is to work on your thoughts about people not liking you. Rather than trying to change people's opinions and get everyone to like you, your focus is how to be at peace with other people not liking you. What are your thoughts about people not liking you? Remember, the greater an opinion that you have of yourself, the less impact other people's opinions will have on you. So when you can handle criticism, when you could receive criticism and not internalize it and not let it make your world fall apart, you end up opening up your life to yourself. You end up having the willingness to do things that excite you and taking chances to explore and expand all the possibilities that are available to you in this life. But if someone criticizes you and you make that mean something about you, you take it in as true, that's when you start getting into trouble. And if you only do things for approval, you're only going to end up doing lots of things you don't want to do, only to get approval from other people. So when someone says a thought, when they have a thought or an idea or an opinion of you, it can only affect you if you internalize it. So if someone says you're selfish and you hear, I'm selfish, that's the impact. What someone says is about them, but what you hear is about you. Ooh, I'm going to say that one more time. What someone says is about them, what you hear is about you. So here's a kind of a silly example to think about. I have brown hair. Okay, I know for a fact, I have brown hair. If someone were to come up to me and say, you have really wacky blue hair, I would have no reaction to it. I would say, "Huh? There's, I would have no defensiveness about it. I wouldn't be upset. I would just think, oh, that person must be confused. They think that I have blue hair. I have brown hair. I know who I am. I know what my hair looks like. I have certainty in that. So the wacky blue hair comment is something that would just wash over me. So what if, right, you can know yourself with so much certainty that when someone has a different thought of you, it just washes over you, over you, because you know who you are. Now, no matter, no matter how much you try to be the most noble, kind, generous, friendly, giving, selfless person, there's still going to be people that don't like you. You can be the juiciest peach on the tree, and there's always going to be people who don't like peaches. You like that? Some people just are going to like apples. But here you are. The juiciest peach on the tree. Just some people don't like peaches. So if you are letting other people's opinions affect you, and you're holding back, you're hiding, you're letting your critics win, rather than sharing your truth with the world and actually helping people, here's the thing. If you say nothing, if you don't share yourself, if you say nothing, you will be nothing, but a complete and utter waste of space. You do no service to the world, shrinking down for other people's comfort. And here's another thing to get. You will never be criticized by someone doing more than you. Let me repeat that so it sinks in. You will never be criticized by someone who is doing more than you. You'll only be criticized by someone doing less. Why is that? Because awesome people are too busy being awesome to criticize you. That's it. Living there awesome lives. You're not going to criticize you, so you'll only be criticized by someone doing less. Now think about the most respected people in history, the people that have made the most significant positive changes to society. You might think of Gandhi or Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luther King Jr. There are also people that were haters to them. They didn't like them. Now imagine if Martin Luther King Jr. or any of those other people, they heard a critic one day come up to them and said, "Yeah, I don't like you." They decided to just stop, just give up on their mission, not share their message with the world. It would be so ridiculous. So can you be okay with other people having the wrong opinion of you? Having an opinion of you that doesn't align with yours. Can you be okay with that? Someone has the wrong opinion of you. We can't control other people's opinions, but we can control and decide on our opinion of ourselves. We're used to growing up and thinking, "What do my family think of me? What do my teachers think about me? What does my boss think about me?" We are conditioned to put more focus on other people's opinions. So if you've struggled with this, there's no need to beat yourself up. That's not your fault. Just means that you've got to examine what is your opinion of you. Are you okay with people having the wrong opinion of you? So when you don't know who you are, when you don't have a solid opinion of yourself, here's what ends up happening. You go into pleasing, convincing, and proving energy. Pleasing others, trying to convince others to see you a different way, or trying to prove yourself to other people, pleasing, convincing, proving energy. All of this is going to take away your power. This is what makes you get defensive, it makes you get small, and it makes you get quiet. It's not worth it to try pleasing the unpleasable. So instead of trying to please, convince, and prove yourself to others, what if you put your focus on accepting, honoring, and embracing yourself and those people with their opinions? When you show up with that energy, you stay open. You get curious. You ground yourself into the truth of who you are. You still continue showing up fully to your life. You have nothing to prove, no one to convince, and nothing to change. So either someone's going to change their opinion of you or not over time. But again, it doesn't matter, because what you're left with is your opinion of you. You're not here to please your critics. You're here to serve the people who you want what you have to offer. So I know you might be thinking, "Well, what if my opinion of myself is negative?" "What if you don't think that you're a good person?" This just means that you need to look at your life from another lens. You've got to really examine your life, seeing yourself as a hero, going through this epic journey, this incredible adventure. What if you saw yourself as the hero of an epic journey? You may have some judgments that you put on yourself from past decisions you've made. Maybe you think, "I've just made terrible decisions. I'm not happy with where I am in my life. I could have done so much better." Which is looking at your life from the lens of being a victim. But what if you saw yourself as a hero that's going through this heroic journey? What's the validation or credit that you can give yourself? Start with that. What's some loving validation or credit you can offer yourself? So if you really are sitting with this and it's tough, I want to invite you to start with having this opinion of yourself. You're a human. You are a human. You're just as human as anyone else on the planet. And you are someone who's grown. You're someone who's learned so much and you're just as worthy as everyone else on the planet. You are resilient. You are strong. You are not your past. You're going places and you're here to stay. Now, another challenge that sometimes people experience when they are looking into the world, showing up and deciding on where they want to take their life, is they navigate life asking this question, "What should I do? What should I do? Should I date this person? Should I stay in this job? Should I leave this job? Should I move to this new place? What should I do?" And when you ask that question, it's like you are looking for the external validation. You're looking for other people to guide you and tell you. So if you're someone that often asks, "What should I do? What if you start asking, what do I want? What do I want?" When you ask, "What should I do? It suppresses your intuition." It blocks you from accessing that inner knowing that's always there, that inner light that's guiding you forward. What do you want? Most people don't ask themselves that question. Like, "What is it that you want? What excites you?" Ask yourself that before your fear might kick in or other people try talking you out of it. Because if you ask someone, "What should I do?" and you let them make a decision for your own life, you are surrendering your life to someone else. You're succumbing to someone else's projection of who they think you should be versus discovering the reality of who you are. Now, a lot of times people might get this and they might be able to apply it in a lot of areas of their life. They don't let other people's opinions affect them, except when it comes to their family. So I want to talk a little bit about your family's opinion of you. This is a big one, especially for those listening who are looking to become a coach. You might be worried, "What are my family going to think?" Or even, "What are my friends going to think?" They're going to be very skeptical, they're going to be unsure, they're going to be worried. So I want to speak to this. First of all, what are you worried might happen if you don't do what your family wants you to do? If they want you to go down Path A and you go down Path B, you might be worried that you're not going to get their approval, that they might leave you or that they're not going to love you anymore. And it's important to examine all of those and see how true that all of that really is. So when I decided to become a coach, my family was very unsure about it. They were a bit concerned, they were worried. And I realized I don't need their approval. It was very liberating to accept that. I'm not doing this to get my family's approval. So I'm not sharing my goals to become a coach to get really their permission. I'm just sharing it to share it because it's what I'm passionate about. So it's so empowering when you can go forth with your life and bless others around you for having their opinions of whatever path it is you're taking. What do you want? Right? When your family has concern around you and opinions about what you should do with your life, all of their opinions are reflections of them and their own thinking. But it's not a reflection of you and your potential. So you do not need your family's permission because you are the permission slip that you've been waiting for. So I have a one of my grandparents. She has this very loving attitude and oftentimes she's always telling me and and others in the family to be careful. That's her go-to phrase. Just be careful. Just be careful. No matter what it is I'm doing, I can be going to the grocery store and she will say just be very careful. And I realize that this is just how she is. She's a very careful person. She has a very low tolerance for fear and uncertainty and this is her perspective of the world. But I don't need to take it on as my perspective of the world of the world. And I also need don't need to make her wrong for having it. So whenever she would tell me be careful at first I'd be like why are you saying that? I don't understand. But now I just say thank you grandma. I love you. Thank you for that for sharing your concern. I love you. And I go forth and live my life and keep going. Do I still go to the grocery store? Yes. So you still show up to your life in your vision even when your family has concerns about it. And there was another time when I had a family member that had an opinion about how much I was charged I was charging for a coaching program that I was offering years ago. And he said wow you know that's really expensive. You know people aren't going to be able to afford that. And I let him have his opinion. And I did it anyway. And you know what happened? People ended up hiring me investing in the price I put out there. And my life went on. I didn't have to explain it or convince or prove myself to this family member. I let him have his opinion. And I also said you know what is this person my mentor? No. Is he my ideal client? No. I went on and made lots of money. Had lots of people sign up for that coaching program. And I realized I couldn't blame that family member for having that opinion. It made perfect sense coming from his perspective to think that. So your family's opinion about your life is going to come from their experience. And you don't need to let that define your experience. Now another fear that people often have when it comes to living an authentic life is what if I let other people down by going against their opinion? Well here's what I say to that. Sometimes we need to let other people down to lift ourselves up. Sometimes we need to let other people down to live the life that we've always wanted to live. So it's like saying I hear your opinion and I'm going to do it anyway. So their opinion doesn't sway you. It fuels you whether it's in support of what you want to do or if it's in resistance you let it fuel you. Right? So people are going to judge because that's what human beings do. It's natural. Nothing's kind of wrong if people have judgments and opinions and opinions of you. But what's not natural and what's not helpful is letting their opinions hold you back. People are always going to have a say about how you should be living your life. That's not going to change. It's not going to stop. But there comes a peace and inner peace in being able to hear them appreciate them and still do it anyway. It is not your business. What other people think about you? It is your business to stay true to who you are. So I want you to imagine that you're this bright light when you're starting out your day. You're this bright, vibrant light. And it's so important for you to tune into your own inspiration during the day because if you feel inspired by a goal or a dream and then you share it with someone and you notice that that inspiration fades that light gets dimmer or you want to start tuning into who are the people that brighten your light? Who are the people that also dim your light? Because you've got to protect your dreams and really share it with those that are going to brighten that light. You don't have to get everybody on board with your path and with your life. You just need to be on board with with your vision. So you might wonder what are good sources of feedback? What are not helpful sources of feedback? So a good source of feedback is someone that encourages you to go after your dreams. So if you're sharing your ideas with other people, your goals or your ambitions, does this person encourage you? Do they help you believe in yourself? Do they increase your confidence? Or maybe do they have the results that you're looking to have in your life? Those are people that are good sources of feedback. Their opinions of you are opinions that matter. But if someone if you have someone who's sharing an opinion of you and they're their intention is to keep you grounded and realistic. Or they're putting lots of doubt, wait, are you sure about that? But have you thought about this? They end up giving you more things to worry about. They fill you with doubt. They try to keep you realistic with quotation marks. But really it's them keeping you small and limited and safe. Right? So you might find that there's very few people that are actually the people whose opinions that you want to matter. And that's okay. That is okay. At the end of the day, your opinion of yourself must come first. So if you are starting a coaching business, for example, or you're looking to get trained, consider that it might not be helpful to ask for the opinions of other people that don't understand the industry and don't understand this vision. Right? They might not get it. You're not going to be asking for their opinions about ways to grow your business. So why bother get their opinion now? They're not going to be your mentors anyway. So when was the last time that you did something for you? Even though others might not have fully approved of it. When was the last time you did something for you, even when others didn't fully approve? So I want to wrap this episode up by saying that I believe that the universe is only going to give you what you can handle, whether it be God, spirit, energy, universe, you're only going to be given what you can handle. Okay? So if it's a challenge that's being given to you, if you've got some people criticizing you, in your family or online, you can handle that. You're going to be okay. There's no challenge that is too big for you. And to the coaches listening, remember, your mission is not to get everybody to like you. That is not why you became a coach, a coach. That's not your mission. Your mission is to serve people. Remember your mission. Remember why you're here. Not to get everyone to like you. Not to people please. It's to serve people. So the final question I want you to sit with is who are you living for? At the end of the day, this is your life. And you are left with the life that you have. Not all the other people that have opinions on it. Not your family, not your friends, not the random people online. You are the only one left with the life that you have. So if you're not happy with that life, you owe it to you to change it. You are responsible to honor your goals, not other people. So can you let people have their opinions and still honor your truth? That's what I ought in this episode on other people's opinions. Thanks for listening and I'll see you in the next episode. Hey, would you like access to powerful coaching tools you can use on yourself and clients right away? For being a listener of the podcast, I'm giving you a VIP guest pass to get a sneak peek into my coach training program. Inside, you'll learn our coaches secret tool they use to transform their clients lives. And you'll also get a training on how to launch a coaching business. Just head over to www.thrivingcoachacademy.com/vip to get started. I'll see you on the inside.