Once you get that through your head

What's happening beautiful people? The church of what's happening now? What is a new addition? New testament is in full effect. It's Tuesday, March 3rd, 2026. It's a beautiful day to be alive. What up doctor? Fuck the snow. Oh, sorry about last week. We couldn't get in there, fucking snow everywhere. There was a fucking pile of snow out there. I thought that got three mom was under it. Jesus Christ. She's in the snow somewhere, that dirty bitch. What have they melded and found her? She's, listen, after three weeks on the street, she's nothing. You throw some salt on it, some of that salt they throw on the fuck. Some of the New Jersey salt and put that fucking night 30 feet of snow on that bitch. They'll find the skeleton. You know what I'm saying? That's it. They'll find it during Halloween. It looks like a fucking decoration, but the snow was real. It was brutal. You know, I enjoyed it. You know, I shoveled the one night. Fuck it. You got to die. You got to die. Only you with the fucking knee that's held together by toothpicks. I have a wife. That's an animal. She was not going to let this and I couldn't watch her get a heart attack. So why don't I put her on the snow plow. And I got the shovel and I moved the cars and we threw salt and you know, that was like nine o'clock at 12. Double the snow had been on it. I know. Fuck that. So I said, fuck it. The next morning I got up and I looked at that window. I'm like, oh Lord. So I called this kid that I always see him. I met him about five years ago. He was like 11 maybe 10. I met him at the pool. A little use of little gangster. Fuck an Arab kid gangster. So I hit him up that morning or use him. I'm an old man. I need for you to come over and shove. First thing he says is how much I said three bills. He's because I get two friends with me. I go. I see you this afternoon. Three bills. Damn. I would have come down for three bills. No, but the Russian did it for 150. I gave him a bill. Nice. A Russian and his wife came over with a bobcat. They woke us up at like nine. They're like, what's the story? You guys want it? Don't give me a buck 50. I said, do it in 10 minutes. I'll give you an extra yardstick. You should have seen that Russian. They want to drink a buck. Did you do that as a kid? That seems like something you would do. What? Like go out and say you're going to shovel, but then get the money and not shovel. No. It's crazy because this came. This was a paradise for money. Yeah. And it snowed. All you had to do was come up to Hudson County Park. If you made it up there because you'd push everybody, those second avenue, all those streets from North Bergen to Kennedy Boulevard, they'd be clobbered with snow. So all you had to do was stick out and somebody would, you push somebody, you walked, you left the house with a shovel because you always had a unburied a tie isn't shit. Yeah. Sometimes they help you. One motherfucker wanted me to put chains on my dog. That ain't going to work. My gloves are thin. Yeah. My gloves are thin. But you came home, you know, listen to seventh grade, which is 42, 46 years ago. 40 bucks. Your king was a lot of money and you came, you shoveled and some people made a hundred. They were out there all day. Yeah. The funniest story was that New York City hired snow shovelers. Yeah. 30 bucks an hour. Yeah. Okay. And then, you know, people just have no idea. First of all, you, so if you work seven hours, you get 210. Yeah. For eight hours, you get 240, right? Yeah. And then it's 12 hours shifts. So for four hours, you get 45 hours an hour. But did you hear what's happening? It's a fucking disaster. I think Sunday night one of them got hit by a car. He said that my body works with the sanitation. Okay. He says they were looking up the thing and you could see film of them shooting dice and drinking the smoking crack. Did I saw people on Instagram? He went there. He signed up, got the shovel and went home. Yeah. He said there was no, but yeah, that's it. But then yeah, but they're not getting paid to like, may they said. Yeah. I mean, listen, to paycheck. I mean, let's first of all, you don't know how to shovel snow. If we came from Colorado, I'd say how do you shovel snow? First of all, you ever hear Jews, the Lord diminishing returns. It's 10 below out there. I've shoveled snow like three times. I'm going to get you for four good hours before something freezes and here for hours. Yeah. Four hours. I don't think I'm even lasting that long. That's the minimum four hours. Then you take a breather and you let me know if you want to come back. I don't know. Your hands are frozen. They're four hours ships. Nobody's going to make fucking 12 hours ships to snow. No, that's impossible. Doing this for 12 fucking hours. What about tomorrow? What about the next day? So it's just seven, eight hours, but they hired all these guys. But the dude was telling me the stories and showing me the videos of them shooting dice. And then the night he went to work and I was somewhere and he goes, look at this. One of them got hit by a car tonight and he was laughing. I was laughing. I don't give a fuck. You don't listen. That's a couple places you don't want to get involved. There's a couple places in life you do not want to get involved. You do not want to snow shovel New York City or up in northern New Jersey because these motherfuckers will wait you at a car and leave you there. Yeah. This is Hudson County. You've got to us soon only 54% of people have insurance. Okay. Have these Arabs and these Puerto Ricans and these Third-Roll Nation Latinos. They have no fucking insurance. They go, they buy a car like at Hudson County Park. It's for a month and they believe it. 30 days you have insurance. It's like that. I'm going to share it. So you got to drive nuts and county on the fucking defensive. Geez. I know. I thought I was like that joke. Felipe said we both had an accident and we looked at each other. I don't know. Sure. Me neither. I love that joke. That's so funny. Nobody's going to share it. So you when you think about that fucking or should you want to get in Hudson County, think again. Somebody's going to dent it out of principle. When I lived in Hudson County, I was so angry. If you got a nice car, I just ate it. I just ate it. I just fucked fucking. With your car, with my foot, with a brick. Oh my god. It's not burger. You're not supposed to have a nice car. We're all lose to see it. Some other fucking show and I'm going to BMW in my block. I'll blast that fucking windshield of pieces. I thought that made me think about the guy, the poor guy who parked his car on your block in L.A. And you just started throwing your traction because he was there for a couple of days. He was there for a month. A month. He was your block. I never forget when he, because my block was by the parking lot. So people would park on my block for free with like Mercedes Benz. You don't do that in my world. You're not going to walk into a Mercedes Benz dealer and then leave for two weeks and park on my fucking street because you want to save the parking. With a Mercedes, I can see if you got like a beta Nissan or you're struggling, but this fucking people would put Mercedes fucking Benz on my block. Every one of them got scratched. And I knew when they were leaving for Christmas break, some of them would leave, but thanksgiving. And they wouldn't move that fucking car till January 12th. All the tires were flat. I bought one of those things that just takes out the guts. Yeah, they just takes out the gut. They sell something that doesn't. Yeah, writing the thing. It takes out the centers. You can fill it up easier. I forget what it's called. You just put it in. But it's just like the cap. That's not it. Okay. I'll take the guts right out. The tire flats. Okay. Just flatten it. You can't fill that bitch up again. And I'm going to hit you with four of them. So you ain't got enough fucking tires in the. So they can't even tell it. They have to bring them up the end of your vacation. You want to be cheap? I'll teach you what it is to be cheap. When you bought that car, you bought it because you were a pig. Not because you were going to go, well, if I do this, I can't eat lobster two nights a week. No, then don't buy the fucking collar. Only, but you make up when you set these rules and don't tell anybody that you don't have to say, this is something that I know, but they had a call over $20,000 and you're leaving for three weeks, two and a half weeks. I take an Uber, leaving at your house, but you're that cheap to take the fucking Uber too. You want to pay. You want to park on my fucking block and then take the free bus, the Burbank. Really? Not on my watch. Really? Not on my watch. You have like your only neighborhood watch. I do. You have to. We're part of a fucking community. There was a truck that did it like the last Christmas I was there. A nice truck. The back had like one paper in the back when he parked it. When he came back, he had pounds of cat litter. I even put it in the bag. I just took it down the stairs. Well, ten cats. That's a lot of shit. Oh my god. I had a time I came from a fast food store or a restaurant. The bag went right in the back. It was drunk. That was and I kept thinking they're going to go and get the paper and get my fingerprints. Yeah. Bro, I packed that motherfucker and then I flatten the tires one by one. I'll never forget. He's out there with his uncle. He's shit. Luggage everywhere. How long did you give him? How long did he have before you fucking started putting stuff in there? I gave him like three days. Okay. When he wasn't back by December 28th, all bets are all dead. If he doesn't come back by January 2nd, that's when we go off. There's a new level. That's when there's a new level. That's the the fucking the four fucking tires go down one of week. Every Monday. That's all your hits. Oh my god. I still I whenever like even they do it a lot in L.A. like people have like not even just a nice car not like a BMW but like a like a Ferrari and the parallel pocket or put it at like a meter. I would there I would be so nervous. There's becky hills you know you got an option to get the parking garage even still and they're free but I mean it's like I'll tell you what else my pet pee what's that I go into it like you're not I'm gonna say where I went into a restaurant that's a nice restaurant I saw a truck which I already hate save your red knacket you know take your redneck ass to Virginia something he kind of fucking truck with mud all over it not even parked in the spot but parked side with oh that does piss me off that goes off first of all you're dumping this where you're shit this is a five star restaurant you hear with a fucking truck with mud on it then you have your Dacia Park sideways I took the era you just you just keep and I told the owner like two days later I told the owner he's like thank god that fucking idiot yeah oh somebody's got to do you got to straighten people out I and every time he does it I'll flatten a tire again eventually he'll figure out not the park there no more I learned that from my step that my step that is North Pergam when he bought that house we bought that house that parking spot in front of the house I don't give the fuck what the paperwork says that's mine I listen I don't know the property extends there it doesn't that's mine and he had that mental thing when we pull up its three from the bar if there was a car that he parked his car on the garage and he would just sit there by the window smoking and at one point he got to put nails in the tires do that thing break his window we did all that shit I'd love to do that two three nights the people aren't going to park the number you what I'm giving that terrorist by the time my mother died nobody parked that spot nobody when people are like hi not that not that that's about haunted I'd put but I used to put potatoes in your tailpipe way before Beverly Hills cop that came out in 85 I was pulling that shit in 77 76 there was a girl on my block why still talk to once a week I love it at that a mother was having a affair with a dude a married dude and we got pissed off we used to put potatoes in his Lincoln continental he'd come down the stairs put this jacket on like Tony soprano with the tylus from getting his dicks up and his car would start for hours did you ever get caught doing any of this then my stepdad taught me how to put sugar in your gas tank oh and that's not good sugar and saran wrap in a gas tank so what did the I know the saran wrap it expands so like you feel like you feel like you have no gas yeah no gas or sugar do sugar makes it thick sugar maple syrup so the whole engine goes when you get to the the good thing but the I'm like it's about to be tax season the good thing about the saran wrap is that's a ballbuster because nobody can figure it out you keep going to service service my car stall and I'm going to get fucking killed they take the gas tank or they can't figure it out they flush the gas tank unless that little saran wrap don't stick to the top you're gonna keep bringing that car back every fucking time you go to service you know what that does to your mind that makes you go you know what I'm not even leaving the house normal now that's a mental but you don't want to do that to everybody that's a mental that's what the end when you want them to die because they know even sometimes they'll just store on the highway and they'll get hit by a truck or something you know I'm saying so if I sounded excited about it you know like oh I hope this happens I'm I can't believe I said I'm surprised you didn't like partner with it like a mechanic just like make some money off a fuck when people so you have no idea and it's great I hold those little grudges like certain things just like it's not gonna work and I gotta let you know it's not gonna work I don't think taking taking the air out of people's tires is a little grudge like that's like some like the heavy duty if I come up to you neck and I go hey man do me a favor from now and don't park there don't park that way you're gonna go fuck you old man you're gonna resist and say something when I flatten your ties and it cost you $28 a minute a little day you won't park there again so why am I getting into an argument with you you're never gonna put it to your head you're special your mom told you you're special so you can park there and I agree with you I have the same problem what nobody called me on the spot I'm calling you on the fucking spot you don't want to give it to me that's fine fuck you old man I'll kick you okay I listen within a week you'll be driving the work but what I do but do but do the other guy that was busted my balls at the job when I fucking took the dead mouse and put in this pocket he never found it in the next day he reached in for his cigarettes and crashed the car I don't give a fuck you should have busted my balls I could it was him and like three other guys I couldn't fight all of them I just sent him a fucking clear of present danger message and they never even looked at me real as fucked up as it is everyone dreams about it like imagine if you had spent hours shoveling your car out this last week and then someone comes and takes it when you leave you want to do something to them that's brutal if people put in chairs outside yeah fucking you know and some people like fuck those some people just take it yeah yeah it's brutal it's brutal that's why you have to flatten people's diet because I'll tell you if you think changing a flat is bad that motherfucker in the snow at six in the morning when it's cold and you're not even awake yet you're putting the hinge in the car won't stick and dude I can't imagine taking the free bus from the Burbank Airport back to your old house and I come out with my robot drinking coffee and I wave at you it's just changing the fucking thing and I give you that look like what happened oh my god hey did you see anybody how no I'm oh fuck you man oh my god I got no time for this shit no more like that you you should do that you should like put up signs like this in this neighborhood is as Joey Diaz neighborhood watch I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that no I said what the fucking Joey Diaz I can't say the name but I could inflict the pain and it's not Joey Diaz is somebody on this fucking block we got Chinese people on the block you can blame it on I got a bunch of people in my block you can blame shit on but I wouldn't do some of my block unless they started fucking me right but the thing is is like you have a very different interpretation of what fucking with you is fucking with you with like a part here and I don't like it I don't I don't blame you it's just listen man when you park on my block and I know you live on the block you're cool yeah but don't come up here park taking the rush spots which we all need everybody got enough spots for you to save eight dollars a day because you don't want to put your BMW that was a BMW I fucked up on that block a two-door they never came back because I would walk in the middle street my key out they get in the car they're like I know what happened you left it here for two or you're saying your block yeah I got in trouble once on your block and he was very nice but I was just coming to pick you up second guy yeah I left the lights on on my car yeah and he just came up like hey man your like your legs have been on for 20 minutes turning into my bill and I never even thought about it I think that's what it is I think most people just don't even think about what they're doing to other people because they're trying to save four dollars so fuck me I'll park here but now when people go you going to bird bank I'm gonna park it they're gonna go don't do it last on my park that had three flat tyres and a pound of cat shit don't do it oh my god I broke windshield not windshield but wipers that's like the light stuff that's like the second day broke the windshield wiper oh all of them that's part of the fucking blah blah you just rip them off wiring the whole fucking thing that's 200 right there dude how banded the cat litter smell after a week oh because I can't even it just turned into chunks because it rained oh and he had to take it out like a mason he had to get back there bro that motherfucking truck never parked here again oh that's do I don't know how you dealt with 11 cats by the way I have one cat and I'm like this is 10 cats in a two bed room apartment and we had a fucking switch the piss things 10 times a day so one stink and even then was on a control oh yeah we were fucking cleaning all day your place didn't really smell which is crazy second house fuck oh started paying oh yeah demmy started paying it now he didn't like that house he didn't pay it tonight so literally sitting go what the fuck is pissing cats are so you've always said they were interesting and like I do a while ago I was complaining about the cat we're we're cool now but like she does stuff like I've had a dog and dogs just like to play like this the cat gets upset if the football is not completely full if she can see to the bottom of it at all she gets pissed if she doesn't have a soft blanket on the couch she gets pissed and she'll come lack you and then the worst part is she'll just sit there in the dark and just like stare at a wall you ever wake up at like five in the morning and then your cat just staring at a wall he sits by the doorstep not anymore as she looks to the hallway. So I read up on it that guarding you. Oh, okay. And when you sleep, they actually jump on the bed to see if you're breathing. They're protecting their investment. Oh, yeah. They don't fuck around cats. She does she makes rounds every night. That's what they do because she's a little security guard. After midnight, they become hunters. They're looking for anything. They got fucking tremendous eyesight in the dark. They could be looking for a shake. Yeah. And they go that way. You could see a rat or something. After midnight, they change. That's why when you get two or three cats, come out there after midnight and watch the human living. Oh, they're hunters. And the moon affects them. Really? Yeah. They're hunters. You got to read up on this shit. This isn't no fucking oaky dope. It's ain't throwing bitch. These at listen, I'm down with this cat so much now. Oh, she knows my sleep habits. So she sit on top of this desk and meow for me to come up because she's too old to jump on the bed. So she asked me to pick her up. Oh, so I have to actually pick her up. So today I heard it and I'm like, I'm not tired yet. About one fifteen. I'm going going up and I went into the bathroom. She was wide awake. She's just by the heater in the bathroom. Oh, they love heaters. You fucking don't. I mean, she puts her head all the way in the fucking heater. You see her mouth drooling and shit. So I just come in now and go great. But she was awake. And I could see by her face, she wants attention. She's looking at me. Well, every time I move, I go great. I want to take a nap with daddy. I should just look at me for like a minute. Great. Come on. Let's take a nap with daddy. As I start going. It's fucking crazy. She's up. She walks, sits and waits for me to pick her up. I got a hugger and kiss her for a minute. I put her on the bed and she shoots to my side. When I sit down before I put the sleep apnea mask on, she always sits right here so I can turn and hug her and scratch her face and scratch it until the nose gets wet. Oh, the nose doesn't get wet. That's the secret. You got to scratch their face. Okay. Let's say lick your fucking boogie. Their boogie fingers off your finger. Okay. You're good. So I lay down. I put the, I sleep sleep apnea away. I put the mask on and put the blankets on my head. Do you really? So nothing that comes out as a hose. Yeah. I don't even want to see daylight. I've got it down to a science, Jack. Oh my God. And eight minutes later, I could feel it. She was on my legs and then I knew something was up with it. And she started crawling up. And I heard it right and she starts making like faggy me out. Oh my God. She wants to talk to me. Yeah. And that means I got to turn all the hogger and then pick up the blanket. Okay. She'll go right under all the blanket down. I turn around. I got to scratch every couple minutes because I know it's one of my back and I can feel her whiskers tickle and shit. So I got to push her head back. Great. Stop tickle. I get up an hour later. Yeah. She's passed out drooling. I leave, go do my errands. I'll come back upstairs at six thirty and take a shower. She's still on those fucking blankets. God. I have to fucking pick her up. Great. Go eat. She sleeps like all day. All day. I go chicken teriyaki. She loses her fucking mind. Oh yeah. I get chicken cut up. Put some fucking Korean red sauce on it. You put the hot sauce on it? So Rachi. Oh. That's my shit. No, I take the chicken and I clean this. Rachi. You're okay. But she'll eat four fucking pieces of chicken. Then go, why am I going to bed? And that's it. The chicken puts her the fuck out. When are you getting a dog? When this one passes away, God forbid. Oh, okay. You're gonna wait for that. Okay. A dog and two other cats. Oh yeah. Yeah. Two Simeezis when they're young. So everybody grows up together. Wow. Everybody grows up together. So everybody grows up, swatting each other, eating cat food, sniffing each other's ass holes. You know, it's all confusing for me. I still don't know how to pet her. I'm still scared of that. Like I'll let her. I put my hand out and it's like I let her rub against me. And that's what that's what we're at. Oh, remember, before you touch a cat, you got to put love in your head. Okay. Number two, and this is what people don't understand, but this is the cat's psychology. That cat ain't sleeping on the bed with you. He's allowing you, or she's allowing you to sleep on the bed with them. You know, I went to somebody's house about a month ago and the mother had a cat and she's like, this cat doesn't talk to anybody. You know, that came up to me. I gave her a minute. I put love in my hand. I started patting the mother. Fuck a jump and then sat on me, which makes me nervous because they start clawing you. Oh, yeah. And you know, like, what the fuck? And I just started hugging her and scratching her nose started dripping. And she's like, people come over all the time. She hides. How come she came out here and just sit with you? Because I know this psychology of them. Yeah. You're not in the, you're not, they're not in your house. You're in their house. Oh, yeah. Because they never leave. No. So that switches everything around. When you think about it that way, like anytime you see him, like if I'm in the bathroom and she won't move and I'm like, great. It's a fuck out of the way. I'm gonna brush my fucking teeth. And she won't move. You got to like push him. Yeah. Like get over. So it's a different psychology. But once you understand all that shit about the cat and the females are different than the boys. Yeah. It's a fucking world. Yeah. We have a girl. The same thing is this we're at with dogs or if you got a penguin or whatever. But dogs are just dogs are dumb. I feel like they're like in a great way. They like the dogs I had, they just want to rub them and play with them and like they're just like I may buy you dog. You didn't spend no money. Oh no, we spent money. I'm talking. It's crazy. Get a dog now. Yeah. No, it's I already looked at the German shirt. How much do they want a lot? Yeah. A lot because then you got to get the good papers. You know, you got a German Shepherd. You don't want like a Faggy German. You want a fucking myth. You want to Hitler. You want a Hitler. If I get a girl, I'm not spading her. That means don't walk in that fucking house. What are you going to do with her? You put papers on the floor when she gets a period. Stop. Why? Because they get fucked. It's a different type of animal. I'm old. I need somebody to bite your fucking face. You know, yeah. You know, spade of females, German Shepherd. And they become really possessive. Like my mom had one. That motherfucker, you couldn't get 10 feet around her purse. Okay. But I was a kid. You couldn't get around her purse. You didn't have to go buy a purse. You just didn't even know her purse was then. You sat down with your stomach round. Is it just going to be mercy's dog? You're going to give it to mercy so it like protects her. Well, kids always want a dog until they get there. Then nobody wants to walk them. Nobody wants to clean their ass. It's too cold. It's too dark. That's my dog. Okay. You know, again, when parents, I'm going to get a dog. No, she's not. No, she's not. That little bitch only knows how to feed it. How to sleep with it and take pictures and put it in that stupid little fucking purse for this. They know nothing else about a fucking dog. So you're stuck with this dog. Yeah. So when you get a dog, at least you know who the fucking who's going to be put with the strain. It's going to be me that's the Walker. The first six months, she has a shit in the garage. We think we're going to pick it up. Are you going to pick up the poop? Yeah, it's my fucking dog. I just can't leave it there to grow flies. Oh, no, you got to pick up the poop. No, I'm going to call some Mexican people to come over and sanitate my house before ice gets. Did you see New York? That's what was coming up on the snow melted. What? 800 800 shits because no one picks it up. Then they would just let the dog shit and then the snow melted. It was like San Francisco. But they can't listen. Why should we fucking redneck are you? You're going to buy a great day and put them in the apartment in New York just to be cool. Oh yeah, big dogs. And they're all over. It's all over the New York. You go to New York. It's the ugly little dog to see who gets the most attention. They don't even know nothing about the dog when they purchase them. They're just looking for the attention. Yeah, you know, there was the thing the attention. Did you ever watch Game of Thrones? No, there was a thing when Game of Thrones was out there because they all like in the show each kid had one of the like the wolf dogs. So like a few years later in LA, there were hundreds of like at the shelters because everyone because of Game of Thrones got the wolf dogs and they didn't realize that they was like a fucking like it's not like a a shits you. It's a real wolf. Yeah. People give them back. Yeah. That's it. That's what happens. People give them fucking back. I can't imagine. They changed. Can you imagine that with our life? Like when LA, when the pandemic came, people were finding dogs on poles everywhere. Like just to walk away from your fucking dog like that. It's just it's just that's animalistic. People are awful. But people get a dog for a fucking quick minute until the dog shits two times. They pick up both shits and then they go, you know, I didn't see that in the program. I didn't think about that. I thought a blue bird was going to just come down and pick up the shit and they'll drop in the fuck off. And it's so sad. Yeah. It's so fucking sad that that's the word is shallow. Like you're that fucking shallow. And then they like it might happen to the dog. Oh my god. We gave him back to my mother because he needs him. She got cancer. You didn't. You didn't. You put him at some fucking dump in Culver City. You know, it's just and these are the people that you see that's supposed to have class. These are the people you see with their fucking $2,000 per se. You know, and that's how they act. So. you know, it's terrible. At the end of the week, who gets a fuck? You look at those guys, I'm giving the advice. When I was, you guys ages, I half gave a fuck. And I didn't feel good about it. Now I don't give a fuck and it feels just fine because this is how you should be thinking it. If you walk around all day, well, the whales, listen, nobody, it's like the last two days on every sports, every news channel, what's the first thing they say? Oh yeah, I ran, bombed, whatever. My heart goes out to the three heroes. Nobody gives a fuck about those three heroes. Why you say it? Nobody even knows who they are. Just a couple fucking white people from Indiana will go, that's a shame, you know? I don't know what those fucking soldiers are. Now, everybody makes believe like they care. And that's why you got to take it back to Charles Pomontary. Nobody cares. And when you get that and your fucking head in life, that nobody gives a fuck. They all give a fuck when you have them cocktails and drinks. But at the end of the day, they don't, they're so involved in their lives. Now, especially with the internet and appearances and what's important, you got to have a car if you're a man, you got to have a watch, you got to have 80,000. Who said this? Who said this type of shit? Speaking of that. And I don't know what's happening. Have you seen Jim Carey? No, I don't give a fuck about that dude. Who gets a fuck? You think the body double or something? I don't, I don't think it's a body double, but his face, all these people fuck around with that shit. They do all that shit on their face. Listen, I'm 63. That breaks my heart. I shoot peptides in my knee. Okay. I have peptides in my arm from recovery before the surgery and all this shit. But when do you think I'm going to take a needle and stick it in my head? Well, listen, I don't look too good as it is. I'm going to go messing with this. Half of them. When you see them, you're like, what the fuck happened to her eyes? Yeah. All of them. But if you notice, it's, and even though you know, it don't look good, they still go do it because they got to be a part of something. Did anyone ever try to get you to do plastic surgery? All the time. Are you fucking crazy? I know you wouldn't do it, but no, no doctor. I was like, we could lift this and talk that and liposuction. No, no. Wow, I'm surprised. What makes you think I would go, you know what I'm saying? No, you would do it. I want to stay young. Listen, I looked 50 when I was 20. Okay. I looked 50 when I was 21. Like most of the kids around here. Yeah. We looked old and we were fucking kids. So for me to go in there now, I want to save a few years on my comedy career. I'm going to slice this, but as soon as I hit the stage, Joe, he's going to look like a goofball. You just lost all your credibility. The whole thing. And you don't look better. You look like a fucking Martian. You look like like Lionel Richie, you know? And I'm not saying nothing bad about him. I'm a fan of Lionel Richie's. Even the girl I love, the girl who's married the Scientologist, Tom Cruise. The blonde, that's on that fucking show with the, Nicole Kinman, Nicole Kinman. What was Jenna Hoffman married to Tom Cruise? I don't even know Jenna. Oh my God. So. It looks like you're doing something. You know when a therapist makes you count to 10. So you don't have like an anger out person. What is this, a fucking 3D podcast? This is two people talking. There's no fit, fucking wall. He's been doing this for two weeks, like getting in the conversation. Like, no, there's no microphone on you. So it sounds like for the 80th time, it sounds like you just blurb in some. And the people are at home going, what the fuck is going on? You follow me, Doug? I don't hear you. Jenna. Fucking Jenna Hoffman is like I live with. Hey, Uncle Joey here for starters. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, international woman's day is this March. Do something nice for the women in your life and go to therapy. Maybe therapy is a great way to work on yourself. So you could be a better husband, boyfriend, friend, or just less of a creep. Anyway, listen, a couple of years ago, I had some problems. Better help help me through it. 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That's it, Jack, because massage chips are made with real ingredients. You feel fuller longer and won't snack all day. Massage chips come in six flavors like blue corn, lime, churro. Me, I'm a blue corn type of dude. I love it. I put in some nice salsa at night with my feeder up like a doctor. So once you try Massa, check out their sister company, Vandy Chris, and pick up some three ingredient potato chips also ready to give Massa a try. I did MassaChips.com/Joey again. That's MassaChips.com/Joey. J-O-E-Y, use code Joey and get 25% off your first order. You can also click the link in the video description or scan the QR code to claim this delicious offer. Don't feel like ordering online. That's fine. Mass is now available nationwide and your local sprouts supermarket. Enjoy and try to blue corn. You're going to be happy you did. So what did Nicole Kidman do? She did surgery. Okay. So her eyes look kind of like creeped out. It's I can't imagine. Jim Carrey was like my idol growing up. Is you an idiot? Jim Carrey, that's also true. He was good to the 30 year old. The mask liar liar liar. Then that's it. I was done after that. So one movie made with the kid where he was a creepy guy, the delivery man, or whatever. And then that's it. It just got old. It was like, I don't know. I met him at the comedy store and I did work for him and I did that. Now, they forget. They forget they forget they will want to miss he shows children. And they forget that you got to be respectful to fucking people. Especially your proper Marines, their Marines. We all did the same type of time together. So those people forget and that's why they days off. Look at Rose Ann Bar, she's turning into Mitsy sure. Sounds like her looks like her acts like her. It's fucking insane. Wow. I haven't seen her in a minute. She's old. Yeah. She's older than I am. But she's become Mitsy sure. Yeah. Jesus. But that her story is crazy. Just like how how she blew up. Why do you think there is no Mitsy sure now? Like why do you think no club has a Mitsy sure anymore? Because they're all faggot stressed out by Cowboys. That's why because somebody wants to be an assistant manager for three years. Then they become manager because the manager got fired and now they're a fucking authorities. And then you got to go on there and go, that's great. But let me show you how it's done. Cause they forget they think they have three years in a club. You got 30 years on stage, 20 years on stage, even 15 years on stage. Even 10 years on stage, I know a little bit more than you do. So you're coming in here disrespecting me. It's like when we go to clubs and there's a 20 minute video in the front. But every, every comic makes fun of it. But I love that you go, like we're not playing that anymore. Cause the next day I went home and told my agent. Mental thought if we play that or there's two clubs, no more fucking video of front or we're not doing it. No more video of front. You know what? I'll go up there and promote next week. That's all you should be promoting anyway. But for me, this is even 15 minutes and tell you who's coming in the fucking June right now. You already got two drinks in you had dinner in you. You're not going to remember this. So why are we doing this May 14th Pete Patelow beer? May 19th Ralph. Premier beer, all done. Let me take my fucking feather out and write down these dates. So no, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that for the fucking people don't need the information. That's awesome. You put the things in the front. I'm the thing. And it's so it's like when Theo shot the special, when I went over there. As soon as I walked in, I was like fucking furious because I'm like, these people have no idea, no idea. I'm, whatever. I'm dead of work, right? I drive an hour up here, I pull up, there's a parking spot, I park in it, walking that fucking door. I'm not even a fucking door and all three you're on me. Hey, the podcast needs to be done in six. Fanny called, we need a video, we gotta be here by seven, we got, no. Let me come in, let me pee, let me grab a soda, say hello to your motherfuckers. I think everybody doing. And then that's part of that whole job and they have no idea that bro. I wasn't even, I was on the street and I had five people already. You're like, "Oh, it says, hey, and I'm like, really?" So then, so no situation, you're the talent. You gotta go, this ain't gonna work. And they'll come back, oh, well, no! And they ain't gonna work. What are you doing this tonight? I want you gonna take money out of that pocket. Then no, it's all over. You're not, anything they say, they're not gonna cancel the show. So now you got him over a battery. You wanna do your way? You go out there and be the thing, give me the fucking jacket. No, no, no, no, no! Five more grand, no, okay. Because you open your mouth, who the fuck are you? You're a theater manager, you're a club manager, you know nothing about what we do. You have an idea and I appreciate you. I have an idea what Georgie does, with frames, I have an idea. I don't know what the fuck he does. I can't go into his place and call him, use this, I wouldn't do that. He just wouldn't do that shit. So, but that's the problem with, and they do it to all of us at every level. No matter what level you're at, as you're young, you're like, why are they doing this? When you're a young comic, I guess I gotta listen to this shit. Yeah. You know, what time is the sound check? What are we? Led Zeppelin? Me, me, me, we could do that when we get to it, 745. Yeah. Everything is more work, like to be professional, I don't wanna be that professional. It's a show, it's just a show, we do these every fucking night. You used to freak me out when when I first started and the ice house would start at eight. You'd be like, give me my house at 720, we'd get fucked up and get there, like you'd pull in at 802. Now, I don't know how many times if you got there and they come in the back and go, we're gonna hold the show for 20 minutes. Every time. We're doing, what are we doing? What the fuck are you doing? We're doing the same shit over and over again. If I walk in that a quarter of fucking eight, it's gonna be fun. Because all your rush, we, I'm in the building, like casinos. We need you at 7, not a chance, not a chance. Like this thing I did Saturday, I wanted you there at 4. What time did it start? 8. What time did you get there? 6. That's earlier than I would have expected. That's fine. But 2 hours, you're gonna know. That's just gonna get me hot. I'm gonna get anxiety. I'm gonna start walking around. I brought a joint with me, you know, but no, I'm not doing that, but that's a waste of anybody. I wouldn't ask that for anybody. 4 hours. It's eight minutes. That takes 10 minutes to write down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why are we there for 4 hours? Because you want the power trailer that we need to. You want this. You can feel better about it. You got to hear 4 hours. No, you didn't. I'll tell you I'll be there at 4. Good luck. And call me one time. Ask me. Call me. Where are you? I'm not going to affect the people of Philly, but always call me on the drive. You're not getting here at 5. To meet everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Away from me. It's 7.30. And they're still calling them. I feel like you add 10 minutes for every call. Yeah. Or you just slow down. No, I take a U turn. Start all over me. It's crazy. Yeah. You know. There's this good story about Kevin Fitzgerald. And again, this is the other reason why I didn't stick to rules. Kevin Fitzgerald was a bodyguard to Bill Hicks. No. Sorry. Bill Hicks worked at Denver County Works and he brought a bodyguard and the bodyguard went up to Kevin Fitzgerald before the second show and he goes, "Mrs. Hicks doesn't want you to do any of that marijuana material because he covers it." He didn't say a word. Kevin Fitzgerald. He brought a bodyguard. Fuck him. Fuck him. I'm doing it. He went up there. He did the joke. And he got out of stage. Bill Hicks came up to him and said, "You're my new opener on the road." Whoa. I wanted to see if you were going to play along to the rules. Yeah, man. I would have definitely not done the joke. You're atomic. This is America. When am I going to tell you not to fucking. Oh, so many people would, did they say it though? They're pussy's. A lot. Everybody's a pussy as a headline. They're all pussy's. Oh, you can't do this, then don't consider yourself a headline. Say it for somebody else. That doesn't mind the challenge. Mm-hmm. You don't do it, but if you're going to get grabbed, I didn't like when you said mother because I do a bit about my grandma like, "Go fuck yourself." Do it when your grandma go both go fuck yourself or do you fucking fuck about your grandmother? That's. Because, I don't know, I think when did you have that mentality the whole time or took a few years? I started getting it when I moved to LA because now I got something to talk about. Right. Now I got to like to stand on. I met the fucking college student. You want to tell me? You want to tell me? Yeah. You want to tell me? Yeah. I'm in there with 60 years of experience before me. They do it every fucking night, but you're going to tell me something different because I'm not going to work. I love it. So, I had a big time showcase at the South Bend Indiana funny bomb. It was Michelle Walker. A lot of people don't even know Michelle Walker's, the Northern Drainers. Michelle Walker's a community there, it's outside of Michigan, Indiana, and the border. Mm-hmm. Because what is it? What did you say? Yeah. And I did a book to showcase that. And I got there and I walked into the headline and I hated all my life. And I knew he's going to come up to me with his bullshit, you know. We don't do this. I sell books after the show, so don't say the word book, thought I want to add then fucking destroy it. 30 minutes on books. Didn't even give a fuck. I got off the stage like, man, you'll never work with me again. I don't give a fuck. This is just a guess that you think I'm somewhere in my underwear, it says I can't wait to play the funny one, Notre Dame. What do I give a fuck? Notre Dame. I got a GD. What do I give a fuck about Notre Dame? The fuck out of here. I'm going to listen to what the fuck, what comedians? You became a comedian because you couldn't handle a day job. You became a comedian because you didn't like people looking over your shoulder and you became a comedian. So number one, nobody can tell you what the fuck to do. That's a very tough thing. It's like opening up your own business. You didn't open up your own business because you're going to make all this money. Some people open up business. Some people open up their own business. Nine days a week. Nine days a week. You've got a girlfriend. You've got a cat. I'm not going to get a girlfriend. You're half mute. You look like fucking a Martian. IEA Jews. You know, there's an AI rabbi. AI rabbi. You love so much. Fucking a guy drops knowledge over there. There's an AI rabbi. You love so much. You love so much. You love so much. You love so much. You love so much. You love so much. He's like, "What is that?" The rabbi is blueprint. It's a rabbi. Every time you see him, he's in front of a different vacation house. I don't know whoever's creating it. It's the same rabbi, but he's like giving like, I have to be honest. I feel like you're the one who's writing this. No forum. We both talk the same language. No bullshit. No nonsense. I don't want to hear you shit. Get to it. Shit. I'll get off the fucking pot. That's it. We ain't got time for this shit. You ain't got time for bleed. No. If I fucking didn't do things because of how biolife felt there. I wouldn't do anything. My knee isn't fucking pain. My throat hurts today. I was around 20,000 people two nights in a row Friday night. I go to a kids party. Okay, fucking tremendous What happened? I took some metals. I brought my whistle didn't know what the fuck oh my god You forgot about that whistle. You were just blowing the whistle of kids. Yeah Every time I did whistle all people every time I hit the whistle the whole table would jump I was like this is fucking tremendous. Oh my god. What kind of kids party? 13-year-old girls 12 girls are the thing and then her parents my my wife their mom and another We went to the fucking what thing what happened? What happened if you went to that sober? How along would you last sober to birthday? two minutes Two minutes. I went in there stone to the gills. I hadn't taken edibles because of the snow and shit I took like fucking 800 milligrams. Mm-hmm I found one of those last gummies and I took two of those caramel things And I think a coating pill for my niece. We're all hit at the same time. I mean, I'm saying I didn't drink though. I didn't drink. I just did bond hits like a motherfucker. I just giggled the food was okay You know, I just giggled it was nice to just be out of the house Watch the girls. They were fucking fucking shit and then I went out for a little while and then I met them later on and There was more food and fucking thanks Nutella pizza with strawberries and bananas and shit. I'm like, I'm not eating that stuff. No I'm not a big Nutella guy me either to be honest with you. It's fine, but I also have Nutella Not in yokey Dumplings Nutella something else and then I bet I could eat one of them. I can't eat Yeah, it's a lot of chocolate, but it was good. It was good and then sat at that thing. How was it? It was tremendous, bro. It was really nice to be a part of something like I feel bad because Everybody talks about Austin. Everybody talks about LA. Everybody talks about the New York comedy scene There was a nice little comedy scene in Jersey and now we got to figure out how to capitalize on it through the dojo and maybe through the stress factory or something because It's just a nice little comedy family in Jersey. Nobody's fronting nobody's acting like that Johnny Gumbot, you know, whatever So you did the roast of New Jersey. Yeah, and did you it was like it was like a Netflix roast like everyone roasted each other and like you just roasted New Jersey? I didn't know I have the people there. So I didn't I don't have time to roast people. I'm not a roaster. I said something about Rich boss being a real Jew. Okay. I talked about that's a that's a nice thing. You know, everybody's picking on Natalie Cuomo I know her and she's such a fucking sweetheart. I didn't want to say anything And then when I saw her, I'm like, I definitely can't do the joke because she's just such a sweetheart to me all the time I really like Natalie Cuomo and the joke got two people went up then said she got stinky pussy When she drives in Jersey, the smell is her pussy And I went up then I'm like listen, Natalie. I don't want to I'm I could be a dad so it's embarrassing for me, but I Shouldn't say your pussy's stinky. You got all those tattoos. It's more inky It's like fucking that ink squid marinara. Oh my god. You got good pussy. Well, I'm concerned But I'm not gonna say nothing. That's and I felt bad when I said pussy in front of a face. Look to be like no joke Oh, so I just stopped there and I just it was a roast of New Jersey So what they wanted me to do was to go up there first Okay, perspective of being gone for 35 years, right? What's happened? Okay, and then go but fuck you jerseys This is why I love Jersey. Okay, so for me I could do that on my back Yeah, I just did a couple North Bergen things about the teachers and fucking You know, and did anyone make fun of you? Yeah, did it hurt you feel like that's I people asked me to do roast and I'm like I'll fucking get real upset. Listen, it's a roast okay Some people said something about me kidnapped and somebody That I got more skin and I need more bone. I got too much skin You know shit like that, but nobody you know, there's a line at a roast You know the only little roast I didn't like and I hated the guy after that. I saw him one night Was the guy who tormented Ralphie made that night. Oh, yeah about his kids and his wife That's a different thing. That's when the microphone just hits you in the fucking You know, and that's why I never got involved in roast. I don't want to judge him. Yeah, I don't want to do nothing Because I'm not cut from that style. I know you 30 years. You want to fuck with me bring it. You're not lying right but If you don't know me this motherfucker saying shit about kid. No, I don't know you I don't know you I don't know some guy named guys. I don't know any of this shit. Oh, I would have loved to see you throw a microphone at someone's head No, but the funny thing was even with the hearing aids. I couldn't hear nobody. I was just sit there Smiling shit like wave and then I thought it you know, I was sitting there for a long time. I must have popped two edibles while I was sitting on the couch I popped two of those hundred milligram cornbells Just oh my god. Hey dude. Did you ever see Jamie Foxx fucking with that guy in that roast? Yes, that's one of my favorite videos. I know that guy really well Oh, no, he sold the show that he put me on He was a very nice guy. I'm gonna tell you what happened. Okay Before you even say any go for it. He's a sweetheart dog. Okay. God Dogs are sweet. I just saw that about a month ago. I popped up on my YouTube. Yeah. I was like only shit. I forgot about this I always told you there's places where you belong And there's places where you don't belong You just have to be smart enough even if I come to go no no no no come come come. They're gonna love you You gonna go Joey. I don't belong there I just don't jizz with those guys It's a bunch of black dudes and they're on and he sold the show nobody knows him as a comic right He found him saying to him so he was and that was I was with that agent Years ago Jim Calum good agent good guy, but He gave him bad advice that day. He told him to show up Uh buried and he did a couple jokes. It didn't work and then Jamie Foxx just started talking into them I'm really fucking up right now. Yeah, I should just leave Now I should I wish Jamie would have me on his movies. Yeah He was fucking leveled into him and and I felt bad at ruin this career. Did it really? I think so I think the life left them Oh, no that's dude Getting bombing so bad that your wife leaves you is brutal Well, where do you go from now? Look at his shirt With the shirt. Yeah Compared to everybody else then just the shirt alone tell you I don't remember what kind of shirt did he have just like a see his own robot Oh, okay, you got them Emmett Smith you got Jamie Foxx you got the black chick you got all these people working theater comics at the time You don't know Like that he's on a ship now. I know I see them on my cruise with somebody. Okay Good guy good guy But just those things where somebody says hey, let's go to this HBO party. You know I got four hours on my back account. Huh You could fake the funk like Jackie Gleason like I put a five in my pocket and going there with new shoes like a Puerto Rican and a suit on with sparkly Teeth, but you are what you are and they're gonna recognize you. Oh, what's he doing here? He doesn't belong here But that's it has to Hollywood parties If you started calling people like why are you here? I worked on the movies for 13 days. I didn't see you one time. Well I'm friends with the cast right I came to support them. I didn't come to support them. You came to see what you could get There's nothing here All people that work you don't you don't belong here very tough to digest that and I did We think Rogan didn't invite me to NBC things all the time I don't need to be there. Don't need to be that nobody's gonna talk to me Nobody's gonna want to see me and my fucking in the comedians perverted mind. Yeah I'm gonna go on then cut it deal. No, you're not No, you know, look at your shoes. Look at your fucking sneakers We're gonna cut it deal with you. You got dirt all over You got shoes and you forgot to polish him Why you even here They look at all that shit. That's all that seam is uh if you're a black guy If you don't have dreads in LA now one stick in sideways. You're not gonna talk to you But that's the fucked up thing is I think the opposite Anytime anyone invites me anywhere like they don't want me there Like I shouldn't be there this place is where you do belong I was a there's a Christmas party at the stand. I do spots at the stand That I don't right, but I'm there twice a week. That's my party. Right. Yeah, other comments are gonna cover me And again, you look at them like The fuck give it a breather Yeah, let them miss you Let them miss you let them have a reaction to you You don't even let them do that. That's why I stayed out of all that shit Ever even after the fact league dollum I stayed out of all that shit all of it. I don't I don't belong there I did the music thing where you jump with the band. Well, I did oh yeah the god damn comedy that's it And they had to beg that to ask you for a while. Oh for like a year and a half Until I said I'm doing it but on my terms. I'm doing my soul That's - That was great, that was a fun night. Because I'm not dog, I went to the last party I went to, I took my wife, was a showtime party for that comedy thing with Jim Carrey. - Dying up here. - Dying up here. It was a Monday night. I get there, the place is a fucking dump. It's upstairs, all this fool-fool shit. They got fruit and cocktails that my daughter made them, that I fucking weak, and I'm surrounded with 80 people. So I haven't even seen in years. He just got dressed up and come out for these things. And I looked at my wife, I was there for 10 minutes, I don't tell her, you don't tell me. We ended up going to rails for dinner. - The new rails out there? - Yeah. But it was like, what are we doing at these things? We're too old, we're too old, look at this. It's just people talking that have no right to be here. No reason, no leverage, not writing anything. Yeah, but you're gonna go meet people, but then it's gonna bottom out, 'cause you ain't got nothing. So when they call you into the meeting next day, what are you gonna tell 'em? I got a story. Yeah, with North Bergen, I grew up, I don't wanna hear that shit, dog. Unless you know how to make money to it. Add money to that, that's all they wanna hear. - So, all that shit. - But even then, I bet they don't want the money. Like especially if you're there maybe, if I go to a party and I see Quentin Tarantino, and he doesn't wanna hear my movie idea. - No. - Not in a party when he's coked up. Unless you give him a line of coke, and then he'll, yeah, I love that idea. (laughs) Call my receptionist in the morning. That's how the Academy Award was. The next man you call his receptionist, they're never gonna call you back. No, he lost respect. He realized who you were in the morning. He's a dirty coke thing like him. That's trust me. The only way they'll talk to you is why you, oh, that's a great idea. I can get James Cobra. I get Brad Pitt for that. I'll get with me or not. And you're there giving him coke all night. Fuck it. All the dealers. I'm gonna be a millionaire in three days. (laughs) Keep giving the Leonardo coke. Whatever his fucking name is. Call him in two days. Once the powder runs out. Oh. You think they're gonna call you back? Unless they're in a pitch. Don't call you 'cause it happened to me. Don't call you something like a 12. About a six months you've been called. Hey, how you doing? Man, where you been? Ah, I've been busy shooting the movie again. Can you talk to that guy for me? I'm not like, but then you're just a coke guy to him. Yeah, you're just a coke guy. That sucks. So these are all the things you gotta watch that. You don't know until you find that. You get involved with it. When you go to those parties, people watch you. They're dying for you to do a line of coke. I went to a party where everybody knew the guy was an alcoholic. Okay. And he was drinking. Everybody was waiting for him to lose his mind 'cause he's that much of a fucking drunk. I remember people coming up to me. They were gonna stay here until he cracks. And sure enough, I left when the eye was fucking. He was looking at people like gonna attack him. Fuck you. I don't need that shit. I don't, I never wanted to be here. I didn't get into comedy to try to be a high society guy. I could go to a party and walk around with a martini and so what do you do? (laughing) My name is Chris Todd. Oh my God. What a beautiful name. And it doesn't sound like this was that kind of party. But how does it feel now to be like at the roast of New Jersey like on the fucking? I gotta be honest here. There was no, I mean, listen, some of those women were a little on the, you know, we only shop at Dungweedos and Family Hills. But that was everybody else. There was pretty much check. I mean, there's a new thing in New Jersey where you have to be built tattoos and jewelry in a nice watch. All these guys look the same. They're ugly as fuck. Go on Facebook every weekend. You see where that girl parties. She just followed me again that poor bastard. She's 63, my age and she drinks. Laurie, whatever. You gotta see the guy she hangs out with. I wouldn't take these guys to a fucking funeral. (laughing) They got no gay, and it's awful. Off with giant shirt trying to the club. Come on, it's Friday night though. A Yankee hat on with champion, get up, come on. That's a fucking baseball game. This is a club. You're trying to get a piece of pussy and you're walking in with a Yankee hat. Yeah, look at me. Okay. The bottom line is the bottom line. Yeah, when you go to a club on a Friday, women don't wanna hear about the Yankee. Is they wanna hear about how you're gonna suck that pussy? Definitely that nobody else stuck that. Okay, I know any of these guys gonna suck your pussy and you're gonna come, but I'm gonna make you see, Boschens, you know what I'm saying? I'm gonna lick you, my tongue spins this way. That's all they wanna know, I got a 10 foot dick. And if you break it, another one comes out like a shark's tooth, you know what I'm saying? So don't worry about it. That's what they wanna hear. They don't wanna hear about real estate. I can't wait to get box seasons at the Yankee. Yeah, this year, the picture's gonna be good. It's Friday night. Either you're gonna suck my twat, give me a cop rock, a fucking hit a mat to XC, or whatever they do to jump up and down, go home, go home, leave me alone. Yeah, leave me alone. And we're from another cut, like I'm old school. Right, I'm not gonna give you that little in there, listen. Just give 'em, two times a night, it's Friday night. I got an eight ball, that little mini skirt. I'll shove my tongue right up your ass hole and give 'em a minute and give 'em a minute. They gotta think about the shock. Like nobody's ever gone up to them like that. No. Everybody else is talking to them, oh my God, I can't wait for you to have a head shot. You're gonna be so beautiful. Listen, fuck your head shot. I'm gonna stick my tongue so far up your ass, you glasses. I'm gonna fucking melt. Either they smack you in the face, finish their drink and grab you by the hand and go, it's time to go. And you'll see all those other guys, you boxy for the next. Yeah, muscles. It's time to go. Do you ever get a drink throwing in your face? Uh, 19, I called her. I'm the street, October of '81. Why what happened? Some girl was drinking, I was friends with her. We had, you know, squab spit a few years before. And we had like this aggravating fucking friendship. Like it was just like, it was just not a good relationship. I liked it. And we ended up hooking up years later and now she don't talk to me. This is 1985, she has not spoken to me at all though. A daughter reached out to me in 2018 for Rogan tickets. Oh, of course. I was like, oh, she's like, you remember my mom? You know what I do? They'll have tickets for you and then there's no tickets for her. She was drinking vodka, what iced tea at it. Okay. I'm the street. I was trying to get cold. She had a North American chili and jacket on or something. I was by Nix and she crossed the street with her girlfriends and was all a little under the, you know, she was drinking. I hadn't done anything. And she came up and she was saying something. I'm like, what are you talking about? Something weird and she had something on the jacket. I mean, what the fuck is that? And she looked at me. She goes, this is my new jacket. She just threw the booze at me. Oh, and then she's part of the girlfriend's cross the street. But she didn't see that she left the container of iced tea. I'm gonna contain this. They worked a little, there was no fucking glass. They were contained. Cardboard? Cardboard. Okay. She left some on the floor. Oh, no. If I took that up and she hit a vodka, they were across the street. Now, from Nix, Pizzeria, where there was a barber there. They were drinking over there. And she had her back to Kennedy Boulevard. Oh. And I went behind with that fucking iced tea with my little burglar feet and I just dumped it over her head and she's like, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm like, "Hey, man, you hit me fucking first, all right, bitch?" Yeah. And I want to talk to you again. And then you looked up a few years later, nine months later, she was in the sack with me. That's like James Bond's shit. Only Joe Ideas. No, but that happened again. We had something. Right. But she was always like, trying to, you know, listen, just let me make out where you grab your tin. It wasn't anything. We weren't doing anything. We were fucking 16 years old. But it was always like, she drank and she wanted like, she watched too many TV shows where guys and chicks have conflicts like you. You bought the Reese's instead of, what are you talking about? Just eat it. You know, I'm not even saying we had arguments about that. But she was one of those girls, but she got cocktails and some people just like to fight. Yeah. And I didn't want to fight. I just want to swash it and finger you. Go home. That's it. Which you will drink a little bit more, I know you're not fucking nobody. I'm cool. I'm not making you do anything. I'm not going to give you a roof either. That's right. That's right. Nice of you. But if you think that I'm going to argue with you and then try to make up and walk you home and then on the walk in, she was trying another fight after the makeup, another woman high school. You walk home to 68 and guttenberg over mountains and cars and fucking burgundy and hills. And after I get home, I swap spit, we grab your tit, now you're starting out. Are you going to take me to the movies on a Sunday because we're all going for the movie. So that was too white for me. She was Italian, but she was already in the American zone. So a little iced tea. Oh, there's a lot of people I'd like to just pour some iced tea over their head. That would be great. There's plenty of guys who I'd like to pour some iced tea over their head. Why pour iced tea? you hit him with a bottle, you want to be a fag and put water on them? Or you want to have it in a club stick and go, that's what happens. I would like to do that. Do you ever fantasize about that about people I'm mad about your mad about? Just what I want to just running him over with a car. Oh, I have. I thought about when I'm getting really mad, there's like a few people. I'm like, if like, if everything gets fucked, I'm like, I'm going to kill them. And then like, like, it's like that's it. I'm going to see how far I can get. I look at a few people and it's never going to happen. I shouldn't probably shouldn't say this on the internet. But there's a few people who really pissed me off. I'm like, if I lose my job, the house goes and I give, if my, if my life's over, I'm like, oh, yeah, I can't wait. I just, it makes me happy just to think about it. You know, man, I should have fucking killed you. I used to dream about all that shit. Like I had one deal that was for sure. I was committed to this deal because I had nothing else going on. And I couldn't imagine being 40 with nothing going on. So I said, I'm going to go to LA and I'm going to give it a chance. If there's some reason I fuck up or I do something stupid, I'm going to drive home, I'm going to stop and kill my ex-wife. And the husband and then go to North Bergen, where they won't come and get me. That was the plan. That's a sad fucking plan. Yeah. If I fail at this, I got nothing else to live for. What am I going to do? Become an engineer when you're 40? You know, I was high school diploma. Mr. Astley's going to get me a job at the school. You're done. You're 40. You've got felonies. You got a GD and you failed at standup. What is there to celebrate? I was just going to go kill him and just sit there with a cigarette with blood along my face. I don't know what happened. One day there was blood everywhere. And then they put you like a fucking, you're crazy. You know, that's what I was hoping for. Right. They would just say he's crazy. You know, I was going to figure out how to be fucking insane. But thank God we didn't get to that. Thank God. And that was the thing. I was like, if I fail at comedy, what am I doing? That's it. You fail that marriage, which is basic communication 101. And you're going to fail as a comment, which is basic communication, volume two. What am I going to go for volume three? They're right. Right. So I was like, I'm done. From whatever happens there, I'll just run reckless and those shoot me somewhere in Jersey City. It does, it does, it's not something you should do. But when you're pissed off, it feels good to think about it. Well, yeah, why are you pissed off? And that's what's, it's like when you call a hookup, but you jerk off on the way there and you're like, I don't need her now. Right. I really jerked off. It's the same thing. That's what you got to think about the steps on things, you know? Well, they have things like that. Now they have like break rooms where you can just go and break shit when you're angry. That's for faggy, fucking people. They also got a place. I go for 65 bucks later, hug me to sleep. Oh, yeah, professional coddler. Yeah. And then I get there and ladies 400 pounds, which peen up by the fingers. I'm trying to fall asleep. And no, that's just, I got if I'm paying someone a cuddle, it's going to be someone who's 400 pounds. No, you're not. You're going to find something blunt with big tits, cover your eyes. You know, people put those things in their eyes that don't see, right? I want to check to put a tits on my ass. And I see nothing. That's what I want for 65 and how are you going to cuddle with me? But how depressing is your life if you're going to cuddle with somebody on the street? I mean, and that's, that's a new world. And people take a hug from anybody. Yeah. That's a new thing. Oh, thank you for sharing. Let's give him a hug. Oh, my God. You're so brave. Thank you. When you went on the Oscars for calling out the Palestinian children, we needed that. America really needed to look at that. You know, thank God you called out the Jews for their atrocities. And, you know, and you're like, well, how did this get to this? Are you putting me the fuck on by saying all this dumb shit? I love you always think that that someone's like fucking with me. I think they're fuck with me. It's like when you go to Texas and do comedy, like on the other side of Texas. Okay. And again, a comical go up. That's not experience. I don't go before we start this show. Let's give a round of applause for the troops. I get it. I applaud the troops. Right. Why are you saying that it's a comedy show, right? Two mothers are in the back crying. My boys in Iraq, you know, the fuck is wrong with you, right? So there's just things that people go to that are just easy to say. And once you start watching Hollywood, yeah, that's all it is. That's all it is. There's a lot of things like that. Like, did you, no, did you watch the Olympics? It's no, I don't waste my time. It starts over there. That's the fucking growth of New York City catches a cold. If catches the flu, the rest of the country catches a cold. When you start that stupidity behavior, that started in LA or people of that mode. Well, I left New York City. There weren't a lot of people in that mode here. They were the village, you know, they thought they were artsy, farty and smart. Everybody, but the rest of these motherfuckers would mug them at a heart. So they, they got kept in check. Now they're all over New York, whether it's with this stupid fucking six foot dogs or whatever the fuck they want to tell you about. Why they're more special than you and why they're entitled to do this. You know, that's the world today. You know, everywhere you go, you go to a restaurant. There's a thing to take pictures. Yeah. So you could feel like you're in Hollywood. I don't want to take no pictures in front of that. What's it going to do for me? Like, like, they have, like, they have, yeah. Do you remember that in LA? They had, they had some walls with like wings and there was like a security guard because people were coming to take pictures. Like, they had to like wait and wait and line and take a picture of like the wings behind you. It's, you know, it's like the people who fly in to go to Pink Shotdog. Oh, yeah. And they shit blood for two weeks because somebody told me to go to Pink Shotdog. Some idiot told me to go to Pink Shotdog. I would tell people to fucking go there to LA, drive by Pinkson, throw a grenade at the fucking building because it's so fucking bad. The buns, the dogs, the chili, it's all bad. Some places you're going, like, I like the dog, but the bun was kind of like, you know, I like this. There you go. I didn't like the yellow bun. It's like a yellow bun. The hot dog is one of those beef hot dogs in California. You know, it's got some tofu in it. You know, it's like the Dodger dog. I love Dodger Stadium, but the Dodger dog, I wouldn't give it to my cat. Now, it's off. I wouldn't give it to my cat. Yeah. You know, I didn't eat hot dogs back there until we found the ballpark ones. No, my wife found something. My wife found, and that's when I started, you know, because we were making them at home, right. But I don't need those Jamal cop ballpark fuck those things. I'm a sad rep motherfucker to the end and the other company that dooms to the end. Everything else. I don't even want to put that shit to my lips. No, I don't see sad bread on those motherfuckers. These Arabs that sell sad breads in New York, their bootlegs and shit. Do you see people, people are getting really upset with them because you'll get a hot dog and like you'll order it. They'll hand it to you. And it's like 15 bucks. Yeah. And like they, they're just fucking with you now. But I don't listen. Everything is so off-landish in New York now. Why the coolness is gone. Coolness that was really New York is gone. And they ain't going to come back for a long time. Everything you see now, they're faking the funk. That is not the New York city we grew up in. It was a different state of mind. It wasn't that shallow state of mind. New Yorkers were not that fucking shallow. Well, and I know I'm part of the problem. But I, I don't know how many actual New Yorkers are still there. No, maybe in some neighborhoods, but in most of them not. No, they're all from Indiana and Boston. Yeah, you know, and they took away from that, what that grime was. Now you go to a city like it's dirty. New York in the 70s and 80s and even early 90s before Giuliani had a little grime to it. A lot of it didn't bother you. If you came from grime, it didn't bother you. It was just something you lived with. Other people come here and they look, oh, we got to get rid of that. No, that's that's what the city is about. That's what it's always been about for starters. I don't know when the change, but it's a blue collar city. Oh, it just like Jersey, Brooklyn, the Bronx, they're really blue collar. Man, they haven't always had a little flared to it. You got some stockbrokers, but what's all blue collar or I'm not sure if everybody thinks they're high collar. Yeah, but they're doing, they're doing what your neighbor did. They're staying over there so they could save money and take the ferry every day in New York. Yeah, what ferry? The ferry is $18. Fucking a day. And is that's 120 a week or something like that, right? Yeah, if you want to do that. Dude, I'm lucky and I pay 350 a month to park in Manhattan. And that's cheap. When you really look at New York and what's going on there as a 23 year old, you're like, I'm going to live in the city. And you're making 120 grand. You ain't putting nothing away. No, there's nothing going away. When that check comes, you spend every fucking dime. That's not what New York 120 for a single kid that's 24 to 25, but they don't give a fuck. They'll go and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're so much fun. We could make vapor pens in the bakery. You can do that in Jersey. You can do that Connecticut. You can do that anywhere, but they just brainwash. Yeah, we've been brainwashed. New York. I work always had a draw for me, but I don't know. - Oh, it's always had a draw. - How can you not? One minute I'm hanging out with fucking savages and the village, next minute I'm jumping up and now with black people. - Oh, you know, that's the next minute I'm in a Yankee game. Next minute it's one in the morning, I'm stopping in this kind of fucking stake that you can't get nowhere at 8 o'clock. They still got a stake over that one in the moon. - How do you even think you could do that anymore? - Someone told me that there's a 24 hour Cuban place. - Well, I believe it. - I forget, I can't remember wouldn't it? - Oh, okay, you've never been there? - In the city? - Yeah, I believe it. - Just to prove to you, you just still make a living on cheap food. - Oh, yeah. - You know, we're getting killed. People are getting fucking killed. You know, and then they wanna come on TV and the economy is booming. (laughs) - Okay, and America, yes it is. The tariffs, okay, keep telling yourself that. Keep fucking telling yourself that. People are scared to go into New York City. They don't know what they're gonna spend. 35 and tall, for what? For what? I need one thing out of New York City. A good stake at that place. Besides that, I'm going there for the city. I'm going there for comedy. I don't know, I don't wanna play the beacon theater. To make no fucking money. You make the beacon theater, you make that grand. But 10,000 people, 'cause they take everything else. - Right. - You're fucking crazy. - The union, I don't wanna do that shit. - No. - The aching like 30% of your money, you don't even see, and you're like 30%. - And the problem is, when you're there for a while, you don't realize it, and then you go to Florida for the weekend, or you go to Massachusetts, and you're like, oh, things are a third of what they cost. - Many times I go to breakfast and the bill came back to $13,000, I call the waitress. You made a mistake. (laughing) - How many times I call you from Denver? - Oh yeah. - I tell you about the $7 breakfast. I don't think they have anymore, but it was like-- - Sam's? - Sam's. - Yeah, it went up, but it was still like a bowl of chili, two eggs, potatoes, and toast. You could take those chili and throw it over the eggs with two tortillas, the $7.99, and Lauren's using a coffee. That's what America's forgot. - Yeah. - That's what America forgot. So I applaud those people that still wanna save you. My friend was telling me she went from Margarita, it was $24 last week, probably somewhere in the whole bridge. That's $48 bucks, that's $48 bucks. I went to the fucking garden, there was $33 for a single shot Margarita on the third floor, $33. They wanted $43 for a double shot or something, I'm like, "Walk it, I'll drink water." - Yeah. - I'm not paying $40, and that's what I don't, and that's what breaks my heart about New York State now. It's a fucking, they get you at every level. They became cable TV. Two years ago, you paid cable TV. Now, I can't full cable, but see what you're paying now. - Lauren. - Between Netflix, they chunked it up on you. So if you pay for prime, Netflix, McGuby, Peacock, you know? You know, I'm doping 800, and then the phones, I didn't know these phones were fucking $200 a month now. You paid $34, and you had a phone at the house. God forbid you dial my, you know, $34, it's $170. You have to pay the phone. How do people, how are they getting this money? They're going into debt, yeah? There is no way you could walk around with a smile on your face and go, "I just went and paid 1800 for an iPhone." - That's low. It's like two, dude, I can't tell you, I haven't written down. You know, have you seen the Orthodox Jews that walk around with the flip phones? - Yeah, I'm like, "How are we doing?" - That's what I want. The Orthodox Jew flip phone, I'm not spending $2,000 on our phone. - You don't give a fuck about Google, and at the end of the day, you're paying $2,000, so you can be cool. Let's Google, "How do we eat pussy?" (laughing) - Let's Google the best restaurant, let's just yelp it. Let's do this. - No. - I don't even have Twitter on mine. I don't have Facebook on my phone. I have Instagram. That's it. That is it. - And that's about to go too, probably. - Yeah, I'm starting to get a little, you know? - But there's some good things on Instagram, like the Jews. I like those Jews. - Yeah, I do, they're all from France. I torture every day, call a Magnificique, and she'll send me a voice, "I do not know." (laughing) - You just pretend you're talking French to her? - Yeah, but if I'm a French, I can't talk French. I just start making up fucking the letters, fucking shit like that. What do you got this weekend, Tarzan? - This week I'm with you in Tampa. - All right. And then probably sadly, you got what? - Friday and Saturday, I'll just be around New York. Can I give one, it's a little far out, but it's a big one, April 1st and 2nd. I'm at Uncle Vinnie's. Very excited about it. - Oh shit. (laughing) - Headlining Wednesday and Thursday. Very excited. - But we got Tampa's sold out, but we got. - Foxwoods. - Foxwoods, and there was a hundred tickets left last Thursday. Yeah, there was a hundred tickets left last Thursday. - That's a week from Saturday. That's a week from Saturday. That's it, that's all we got, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry. About last week with the snowstorm, I know you're like listening to us two idiots, but we just couldn't do it. It wasn't worth it killing ourselves, but we're back. We'll be back next week with a guest. The week after that, we got our brutal crane. He's coming in with his new book. - Nice. - We got John Burntel coming in for the dog day afternoon. We got a couple things going on, so. - I love it. - That's it, we're here with queer motherfuckers. Have a great week. We love you and stay Black Jack. (rock music)