OBGYN Baaaaby

(upbeat music) Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Wanna talk to Conan? Visit teamcoCo.com/callconon. Okay, let's get started. - Hey Jessica, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. - Hi guys, thanks for having me. - Hey Jessica, how are you? - Oh, this is a dream come true. I'm having a great time. - Okay, well you're masking it very well. (laughing) - You do. - I just finished office hours. I was like, I took a per panel all too. So I'm like beta blocker up, you know. (laughing) - Well, great. - I love my colors to be drugged up. That's the best way. - Listen, I was doctor, I can get these prescriptions easy. (laughing) - Jessica, where are you right now? - I am in New Jersey, like Jersey Shore, Mom of County. - Okay, very, and you are, it says here you're an OBGYN. Is that correct? - That's right, that's right baby. - Very good. (laughing) - Is that how you always respond when people say, "Are you an OBGYN?" - Yes. - Yes, baby. - There is stir ups and I'm like, "Hey, baby, it doesn't go over well every time." But I'm a very specific type of doctor. I get very specific type of patients. - Yeah, yeah. Well, there's so much to talk about here. First of all, have we met before, 'cause someone said you came to a taping or two back in the day? - I mean, yeah, when I was in high school, I lived in Jersey, we would pop into the city, so I went to a lot of your tea bags. - Oh wow, cool. - And yeah, I mean, obsessed. And then my mom has like a ticket stub from one time we went to see you in 1999. - Oh, wow, cool. - And we had met Fabio. - Oh, that's a tea bag. - Oh my God. - Yeah, I should point out Fabio was an intern at the time, for our show. - Yes, and so we took this picture, it was before, smart phone, so it was one of those throwy cameras. And then after my mom took the picture with him, he robbed my mom, dipped her backwards, kissed her on the mouth in front of my dad, and then like walked away, and then a month later, he got hit in the face with the goose on the roller coaster. Do you remember his face exploded on a roller coaster? - That's such an incredible sentence. - What an incredible sentence. - Let's think about that sentence. - He dipped my mom backwards, kissed her on the mouth in front of my dad, and a month later, got hit on a roller coaster by a goose. (laughing) What an amazing, you know, incredible piece of writing that is. A series of images cascading into each other. - At the lampoon you wish. - I know, oh, never. I never could have thought of anything like that in my glory days. So, okay, well, as my wife would say, there's a lot to unpack there. So, Fabio was kissing women. I hope that's been discouraged on Fabio now. I would have carried a spray bottle around Fabio and sprayed him like a bad cat. - You would you spray him with, I can't believe it's not butter. - Okay. - Remember that was his big campaign. - That's right. - That's right. - He was the shell for, I can't believe it's not butter. - I would have tongueed it. - You would have tongueed it. - My mom would have. - My mom would have. - She was like, let's go. - Then you would have been full throttle. - So, I would have bent him over backwards. (laughing) - Son of a probably. - Your hair. - Son of a twice as strong as Fabio. Wow, okay, so that's so nice. I'm glad you came to the shows and I hope you had a good time. Was your dad traumatized by seeing your mom attacked by Fabio? - My dad's from Brooklyn, so he wasn't having it. And I think my dad has some sort of superpowers where he put some sort of hex on Fabio and that's why he got hit by a goose in the face like a month later. - This is a pretty famous piece of tape. I guess he was on a roller coaster and his nose is bleeding and everything. And yeah. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, there he is bleeding. - There he is. - And it was apparently a Brooklyn goose. (laughing) The goose was paid by your dad. - And. - Well, Christine, his face was here. Christine. - Yeah, Christine. Never again, never again. - Yeah. So I wanna talk to you about your profession. You are, first of all, this is an incredible, incredible job to have. You're around so many births and you're bringing new life into the world. Tell us about that. Does it, do you get jaded or do you still see the miracle every time? - I think the day I'm like, oh, this is not amazing. Is the day I should just hang it up. Every time I do an ultrasound and I see a heartbeat for the first time for a patient, I'm amazed. Every time a baby takes its first breath and cries, I'm like, this is so amazing. Shout out to Gourley, who I know is on his paternity. - He's on paternity leave, yeah. - He's on paternity leave. He's got two children now and we're all excited for him. And Stone, of course, has experienced this miracle herself with twins. - Yes, yeah. - But you got over real fast, so. - I was just like, let's get on with it. Let's do this, get 'em out, let's go. We gotta hit the club. (laughing) - She took her newborns to the club. - And I'm all for that, yeah. (laughing) - Well, I only have one daughter. I was one and done and I feel like it's 'cause I do so much with my patients. I really live through their pregnancies with them and it's a beautiful thing. I wish it happened during normal business hours. I think it's kind of a bummer that they like to come in the middle of the night, the babies. - Pretty rude. - Is it true that you've been accused of trying to induce between nine and five. (laughing) - Oh, well, that babies are born on a-- - Any kind of bank holiday, they're not born. - Everyone's like, oh, you have to go play golf or something, I don't play golf. Like, when here is this. - Yeah. - But yeah, so I wish it happened during all the business hours, it doesn't, but I picked this when I was in my 20s, now in my 40s. I'm feeling a little old, a little schleppy, but it's okay, I still love it. - So I'm curious, there's so many things to, what are the things that you do immediately after the birth? What have the babies born? And I have been through this twice with my kids. I was there, very present, very present for both. - Why did you emphasize it? - You saw things that I saw so many things. And then it's so funny how you can kind of forget, I don't know what, you can kind of almost black out afterwards. And so I'm trying to remember what happens. I mean, yes, there's the cutting of the ability cord. - The dads, the dads black out a lot. They literally pass out a lot. - I didn't pass out. - I didn't pass out. - Thank you. Thank you so much for that, 'cause the dads are always falling down and we're always like, we don't have time for you right now. - Little bitches. - And just like pick your, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, smelling salts, like come on. But the cutting of the cord, yes, the dads like to do that. I'm not sure how that became a saying, but if that makes them feel included, I'm also right. - Well, it's so funny because I didn't ask to cut the cord, but the doctor said, now you cut the cord and it handed me the scissors. And I thought, well, am I getting paid here? You know what I mean? - Oh my God. - I'm sure it's when I have a plumber over and he hands me the wrench. I'm like, okay, I want to, am I getting a third? So that was my complaint. - I should have been compensated. - And I always, I was worried about unions. I don't want it to be a union violation. - Right, right, okay. - So that was my concern. - I always tell the dads, it's thicker than you think. It's like cutting chicken, 'cause they kind of like take like little bites out of it, but you gotta really go for the gusto. It's thicker than you think. - Yeah. - But the baby goes right on mommy's abdomen. We do delayed cord clamping, get some blood flow back into baby. We want to do that skin to skin for that first hour. A lot of bonding, our hospital's really about mom and baby bonding and, but yeah, we get them to stimulate and cry and give us that good first. - How do you get them to cry? - You just tell them sad stuff. What do you, - Yes, actually, I tell them no. - A shocking number of Americans can't read. (laughing) - Baby's like what? - I hold them up and spank them on the butt, but we don't do that anymore. - 40% of government buildings have us past this. (laughing) - Right. - That was a lot. - So I just sometimes flick its little foot, like underneath its foot, you go like this. - Yeah. - And it pisses them off. - Sure. - This is me off just hearing about it. - Yeah. - I know. (laughing) It's all about pissing the babies off, getting them that good cry. But I was such a great team at our hospital. Our nurses are so great bedside. So I'm very lucky and I do really love my job. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - What kinds of things could you teach me? You're very hyper aware of the female body and there are probably things, believe it or not, that even I wouldn't be aware of. - What? - You know what I mean? And maybe this is a good chance. - I don't know. - This is a good chance for me to know some things. If you can impart to me any wisdom. - Well, I think knowing anatomy is really important. A rogina stones. - What are those? - Things that could. - Right. (laughing) Well, man, we gotta really start from the beginning. - Yeah. - Just, I think a big thing that sometimes men don't know is that women have more than two holes. They have three holes. That's always interesting. - Wait, what are we talking about here? - What are you talking about? Wait, what? - Right, so. - No, these are more specific. Because I honestly, suddenly it's a bowling ball. - Yes, you're an eight. - You're an eight. - What's that? - What's that? - You're an eight. - You're an eight, yeah. - Peepees? - Peepees, yeah. - Peepees. - Yeah. - Uh-huh. - Peepees, poupoo. - Yes, of course. - Right. And then baby come out of the vagina. - Yeah. - So that's three. He's scared of the word vagina. But it's the, you're re-throwing the vagina. - You're re-throwing the anus. (laughing) - Anus, right, Sona? We're gonna use our doctor words, I guess. - Yeah, I said poopy and poupoo, so. (laughing) - Tell me about your medical school. (laughing) - Right? How did that even happen? - So it's sure you went to, "Poo-poo, poo-poo-you." (laughing) So, okay, so the arogenous zones, you could help any man know about the arogenous zones. - Yeah, where the clitoris is, I feel like that's really, there's a great book. - Like there's a clitoris. - Listen, there's a book. - It's like a brief, - As far as you concerned, that's Sasquad. You hear a lot of talk, but I've seen no evidence. (laughing) Here's a blurry photo of a clitoris. Yeah, I've seen that photo. - That sounds like. - If you're gonna be talking bullshit on this thing, I am a clitoris denier. (laughing) - Oh yeah. - I know. - I, I, - We have enough misinformation online. We can, we have slatterers. Now we have clitoris deniers. - Oh my god, I think. - He's got a blurry photo from 1938 of a clitoris running between two trees. (laughing) - See it right there? - Yeah. - No, no, no. This was taken by a Scottish hiker. Wow, okay, well, yeah. - A clitoris tonight. - Oh, wow. - I could teach you how to do a circumcision. - Oh, okay. - Hey, how do you do those? I'm curious. I mean, how do you, - I know. - How does one, what's the tool that's used for circumcision? I've been to, - So there's, - I have been to many grises and I've many, many Jewish friends and I've been to grises, but you can't really see what's going on. And I've tried to fight for good look and they say that's inappropriate. I've been shoved by rabbis. (laughing) 'Cause it's weird. - I can't steal your gun. - When a guy is saying, "Hey, I want to see that kid's dick. People get freaked out." You know? Hey, let me in now. - Oh my God. - I gotta see that kid's dick. People get freaked out. (laughing) - I gotta why? - So, and I know that now. I can see why that's an issue. - Oh my God. - But what is the tool that's used? - So different people use different tools. I like to use something called a mogen. So it looks like a cigar cutter and you just pull up the foreskin and you go across and then you clamp it down and then you lock it off at the scalpel. - And does the kid cry a lot after that? - So no, we actually do dorsal nerve blocks. I'm injecting light a cane. They get a sugar pacifier. We play music. It's like a spa experience. - So it's not traumatic for the kid. - I mean, it might be, they can't tell me. But we try not to make it dramatic. - Hey, how convenient for you. (laughing) - Honestly, they're the best patients. - Yeah. - That's interesting. So you do the old chop on the foreskin. - Then we have the calamari piece. - Yeah, I love that piece. - Yes, you love that. That's your joke. - That's my favorite joke to do at Brisses is to say, hey man, that calamari was really good 'cause I always have a meal afterwards. They always serve food at a Briss. And I say, I love the calamari and then the person goes, we don't have calamari and I go, (groaning) - Now that joke works 'cause he ate the foreskin, taking it as calamari. - Right, do you get it? - Yeah, yeah, I got it. - Okay. - I'm glad you love that joke. - It's not my favorite thing to do though. I don't love to do circumcisions. You know, be the option. - If anyone said that's my favorite thing to do, that's their red flag right there. You don't even mean to do it. - Yes, when I try to avoid penises, be doing what I do. And then they're like, oh, you have to do surgery on the smallest penis possible. You know, so that's a little weird. - I don't remember booking an appointment with you. (laughing) - Home run. Home run. - So well for you, just to, just to be well. (laughing) You are so happy. - So it's, let's do the chart on this conversation. I'm the guy with the smallest penis in the world who insists on checking out a kid's dick at a brush and doesn't believe there's a clitoris. (laughing) - Right, that's gonna go in your tombstone. - Yeah. - This is, I lay out comedically, no one lays out more awful information about themselves than I do. I don't know why that delights me. But, you know, I will say on the serious side, that is what an incredible job to have. Because I do think in the modern world, we get removed from, we get removed from birth and death, we've anesthetized ourselves to it. And so it's amazing to just, to be around so much new life would be, I think, very affirming, right? Be pretty amazing. - And it just keeps going, you know, during COVID, we were delivering babies non-stop. That does not stop. So, even though we felt like the world was ending, you saw that it doesn't. It just keeps going. Life is just gonna keep rolling along. And it really grounded me and helped me to see that there's so many beautiful things happening every day, even though it felt like the world was ending. You guys were a huge part of what got us through COVID too, just listening to your podcast was so important. Kept us laughing, kept us going. And now that we're through that, I definitely have a deeper relationship and understanding with my patients. And I love what I do. I love what I really do love my patients. I get to practice where I grew up. So I feel connected to my community and I'm very lucky. - That's cool. - I think it's great. I love that you were this teenager coming by checking out our goofy tapings. And now I'm talking to all these years later and you're just, you're a very impressive person, Jessica, really, seriously. And very, very cool to talk to you. And I love talking to people that have these jobs that are just so impressive. - Yeah, I want, as a woman, the relationship we have with our obese is such an important relationship. To be able to say whatever we need to say about our bodies, it's awesome. I mean, I love my O.B. She, you know, it's awesome. I'm not crying. My voice is doing something. - So you're saying you don't have that relationship with me. You don't feel like you could tell me anything about your body. - Absolutely. Do you want to hear about Perry Menopause? - I do not. - And all the symptoms that I'm having. - I don't want to hear about any of it. - See, this is the problem. You don't want to hear about, the word to try and the scares you. - I don't want to, we're not doing this right now. (laughing) To quote my father, we're not talking about that right now. (laughing) - Not right now. - He would say that about anytime anything came up, if he didn't want to deal with him, I'm like, "We're not talking about that right now." Oh, I guess we're not. (laughing) - Whatever. - Well, Jessica really lovely talking to you. And I hope we-- - This was a dream come true. You guys are all awesome. - I hope we cross paths in person. That'd be really cool. And then we can hear more about this fabled clitoris. - I can draw you a picture. - Yeah. Might as well draw a unicorn as far as I'm concerned. (laughing) - Thank you for your time, my friends. - I'm an idiot, thank you Jessica. - Bye. - A dream. Have a great one. (upbeat music) - Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liyah. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivina. Take it away, Jimmy. 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