Now That I Have A Girlfriend, I Never Want To Leave My Wife

None of the voices in this series are ongoing patients of Esther Perel. Each episode of Where Should We Begin is a one-time counseling session. For the purposes of maintaining confidentiality, names and some identifiable characteristics have been removed, but their voices and their stories are real. Whether you're a fan of the original Pumpkin Spice Latte or ready to mix it up with an Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai, the new Iced Pumpkin Cream Matcha, or the new Iced Pumpkin Cream Shaken Espresso, you can find your favorite taste of fall only at Starbucks. Fall is here, and that means the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back at Starbucks. It's the one we've been waiting for. So whether you're a fan of the original Pumpkin Spice Latte or ready to mix it up with an Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai, the new Iced Pumpkin Cream Matcha, or the new Iced Pumpkin Cream Shaken Espresso, you can find your favorite taste of fall only at Starbucks. Until recently, I have always been the person supporting the family and always driving the whole family forward. I realized that I just wanted to not have that role anymore. Couples often organize around a certain balance or a certain imbalance vis-à-vis child care. Division of labor, breadwinning, material providing, and vis-à-vis the freedoms that they each have and the responsibilities that they owe each other. For many years, I feel that I didn't do much. I was a stay-at-home dad and just take care of my daughter. Now I want to do things. This couple was organized for a long time, almost two decades, around her being the primary breadwinner, her taking care of him in a motherly fashion. But that time. The type of emotional caretaking is a sexual block. Recently, when he found a full-time job, he decided he wanted to pinch his life. And each of these two people, through work, found a muse and a life charge that directly changed their emotional construct and led immediately to a complete redesigning of their sexual relationship. After a long. time of just being kind of co-parents and just kind of roommates, and we were just doing phenomenal. This last year, our sexuality, I think it was like this. It's totally different. Through this whole new erotic charge that exists between them, they are completely a different couple from what they have been for the prior 17 years. So much so that it also brought in the presence and the question surrounding other lovers. Now I have involved somebody else. It's been very hard to realize that he's developed these feelings for somebody else. This is not ideal for her, but it had really nothing to do with her. It had more and more to do with me wanting to wake up and start living. What would you say is one of the most important positive changes that have occurred in your relationship? What's working well? What gives you hope? I think that one of the most powerful changes in our relationship has been our sexuality. That's a very important topic for me. I think I grew up in a family and in a society where pleasure just for pleasure was not something that you would do or something that was acceptable. Which country? Ecuador. Which country? Ecuador. Religion? Catholic. So I think that I grew up with a lot of shame around that topic, but with a lot of curiosity as well. And the messages were what? You don't want to have sex before getting married or touching yourself and exploring your own sexuality. That's animals. That's not something that we even talk about. I think that's a very important thing. felt like I were somewhere in between, but not belonging to either group. At some point, my mom, she had to migrate to the U.S. She had a business and went bankrupt and had to leave the country, came to New York. And then I came with her. It was a very different world, very interesting and rougher world than what I was used to. And I just discovered like a new self. I became somebody else. He's describing, and at the same time, he's not really naming. What I'm gathering is that his father had the official marriage to a woman, and then he had his love story with another woman, his secretary, and with whom he has the love child, which is this man. And there is a major class division. There is, what is official and what is not official. And then there is the option of having the other woman in another country, which makes more space for everybody. And so when he talks about all these worlds, I'm trying to fill in the gaps at this moment of what worlds we may be talking about. So tell me if I follow this. You don't belong completely to the same world. You don't belong to the same world. You don't belong completely to his world. You don't completely belong to her world. Then you come to the U.S. and you enter a third world in which there is also a different language. And how do these three tracks, these three identities, these three stories, relate to the big change that happened in your relationship? Because if there is a change for you sexually, then there is a change for you sexually. And if there is a change for you sexually, is a change for, no, it doesn't have to be, but in your case, it also became a change for the two of you, right? Yeah, absolutely. How do these stories connect with this story? At some point, I go back to Ecuador to live there after I graduate from high school. We meet at college. We start going out and I get a great job in Ecuador and I'm making a lot of money. We are doing great. We're a young, successful couple. And my mother, who still lives in the U.S., becomes ill with cancer. I leave everything behind. I quit my job. I came here to take care of my mom. And after years of doing basically nothing, just taking care of my mom, she passes away. And then we learned that we're expecting our daughter like a month later. So then I become a stay-at-home dad. So I'm totally. My career is done. So when my child is, I don't know, 8, 9, 10 years old, I just feel that my wife doesn't see me. I'm a total loser. I don't have a career. And then one day I meet this woman and she looks at me, she sees me, and she's so interesting. And she talks to me about movies and we started, you know. But then she invites me to sleepover. To sleep with her. But I say no. And that was the end of it. The next day I tell myself, I'm going to find a job. I'm going to leave my wife. I'm going to go find her and I'll have a new life. Then I Google for a job. I apply for one single job and I get it. Then I start going out watching independent movies with these other women and nothing really happens. But I'm not understanding. I'm curious, why do you want to leave her suddenly? I want to leave her at the time because I feel that she doesn't see me. She doesn't see me as a man. And then I find. But neither do you. Correct. She sees you the way you see you, as far as what you're telling me. Absolutely. Absolutely. No, absolutely. I don't, yeah, I have nothing to show her. I mean, I'm invisible myself. So explain to me. And you may already have explored all of that, the two of you, you know. You go to a leadership program and you meet. You meet a woman who becomes a mentor for you. She's powerful. She's feminine. She's a leader. She's self-possessed. She's confident. And she gives you a permission without having to say anything. And you understand that when you unlock the power within, it also often unlocks Eros, the life force within. You go. Basically, your invisibility is a little bit like the death of Eros. It's not just invisible, it's that you feel that you've been dealing with dying people. And then you feel like you've been dealing with your daughter. And then you realize that something inside of you has been dying steadily. And then suddenly you have a scream. I want to live. Whatever that includes, work or possibility, other options, just other lives, other ways of being in the world. And you both bring this energy to each other in a very new way for the first time. And you have, what, a good year? Yeah, something like that. Yeah. This relationship with Job has a lot to do with this unlocking of myself. Yes, because if he becomes more active and engaged and productive and self-sufficient, you don't have to mother him. Exactly. Is that true? Yes. So part of. You have one part of your sexuality that is shut down because you've gotten a series of. Very clear messages about how your sexuality is primarily a duty and primarily marital and primarily reproductive. And he doesn't ask for too much because he doesn't think that he deserves too much because he doesn't think he's done enough with himself. And when he starts to become active and productive and he feels like he has something, as he says, to show for, there's a surge inside of him. Similar to the one he has now. That's the one you get when you take your leadership course that says, I'm a man and I'm a sexual being and I want to feel alive. Yeah. And it frees you up. Yes, absolutely. So, I mean, a lot of other things happened, I think. Now, fill the gaps. I'm fishing with a broad net. Yeah, I mean, so I met him when I was 19, in October of that year. And the following year. So, I met him when I was 19, in October of that year. And the following year, around May timeframe, maybe, they killed his dad. They killed his dad? Yes. They is who? People that broke into his apartment. He used to live with his dad. And this terrific thing happened. I guess they had just managed to escape jail and they found a house, just broke into the house and. Found alcohol, got drunk, and then decided to try to find something else. And then they found us and they wanted money. And then my father had a gun. They found the gun and pressuring my dad for the money, ended up shooting him, I think, accidentally or stupidly. You know, it was not deliberately that they wanted to kill him, but they did. In front of you. In front of me. And then they wanted to kill me. And then they wanted to run away with, things that they were stealing, but they didn't know how to drive. So, I offered them that I could drive them. I thought that that would be my way out of the situation. If they could use me, they would keep me alive. So, they did. And at some point, they stopped. And I convinced the guy who was in the car who had the gun to let me go. So, of course, that changed my life. But in any case. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just stay with this for a moment. It's okay. You see it while you tell it. You're very visible to yourself when you tell the story, having just talked about having felt invisible afterwards. If you're invisible, nobody can take anything away from you. There's a reason you didn't do much for many years. If you don't do anything, nobody can steal it. After they didn't kill me, what they did with me was left me somewhere very remote. I think that it was something like a factory. And I was walking towards the factory, and this Doberman dogs came there was like five or six of them like like many dogs that were very substantial very aggressive came running back to me and barking and I just turned around started running and then I stopped turn around and just yell at them and I just wanted them to come and I felt that I was going to kill them all I had it enough for the night I would just kill them all and they just stopped looked at me and went back to the factory and then I just walked away and not that you thought of anything when you screamed but if you think of it now what do you think was in the screen I'll destroy you I have nothing to lose I have yes I have nothing to lose I just lost my dad yes and this is all happening while your dad is lying on the floor in the house correct yes and you went back from there to your house yes I knocked on somebody's house they called a taxi and I went back home the police was there already they had somebody had heard sounds so after we left but it was too late but my family were waiting for me I make it back back to the they don't know where you are and if you they don't know where I am they all they know is that my father is dead and I'm not there and when I get back people see me and it's the biggest party ever people are just crying of how happy they are to see me the celebration I've never felt so loved in my life and see and I feel that I belong with them when I met this other person very immediately I that was not thinking I want to go out with her I was thinking I want her in my life I want to be family with her I want her to be part of my world she's there for me she tells me literally she looks me in the eye says you're my project I'm gonna help you and she does I have a hard time letting her go because she's alive I would do anything to bring my father back but this person is alive you know why would I lose people that are still here that's a very beautiful and profound question but I'm gonna add another one to this very question but I'm gonna add another one to this very powerful traumatic powerful traumatic powerful traumatic devastating and complicated story because devastating and complicated story because devastating and complicated story because you're living in these stories you you're living in these stories you you're living in these stories you start to repeat the same stories even start to repeat the same stories even start to repeat the same stories even though I have a sense that most of the though I have a sense that most of the though I have a sense that most of the time you talk about how the fuck your time you talk about how the fuck your time you talk about how the fuck your father was killed but you don't tell so father was killed but you don't tell so father was killed but you don't tell so often the story of how you found your often the story of how you found your often the story of how you found your way back home that true way back home that true way back home that true yeah yes to the few people that I've told yeah yes to the few people that I've told yeah yes to the few people that I've told this story about my father I don't this story about my father I don't this story about my father I don't think I've told that story right so think I've told that story right so think I've told that story right so you're coming back you're celebrated you're coming back you're celebrated you're coming back you're celebrated you feel visible and seen you feel that you feel visible and seen you feel that you feel visible and seen you feel that you belong and you're very clear about you belong and you're very clear about you belong and you're very clear about which world you belong to which world you belong to which world you belong to when the two of you have this renewed when the two of you have this renewed when the two of you have this renewed passion for this whole year and the sense passion for this whole year and the sense passion for this whole year and the sense that your relationship has really moved that your relationship has really moved that your relationship has really moved into a whole other phase and you are into a whole other phase and you are into a whole other phase and you are working and you feel like you've become working and you feel like you've become working and you feel like you've become unstuck and you are taking charge but unstuck and you are taking charge but unstuck and you are taking charge but not over him and you are feeling not over him and you are feeling not over him and you are feeling unhappy unhappy unhappy unleashed I have the sense that for the unleashed I have the sense that for the unleashed I have the sense that for the first time you belong here - is that oh first time you belong here - is that oh first time you belong here - is that oh yes yes yes yes so I've never felt with yes yes yes yes so I've never felt with yes yes yes yes so I've never felt with such certainty that I want to be with my such certainty that I want to be with my such certainty that I want to be with my wife forever until this last year instead wife forever until this last year instead wife forever until this last year instead of of having two worlds where you don't know having two worlds where you don't know having two worlds where you don't know which one you belong to as has been the which one you belong to as has been the which one you belong to as has been the story of your life you now want to live story of your life you now want to live story of your life you now want to live in a reality where you have two worlds in a reality where you have two worlds in a reality where you have two worlds in which you belong to both yes and they in which you belong to both yes and they in which you belong to both yes and they can coexist they've always coexisted can coexist they've always coexisted can coexist they've always coexisted but you didn't belong to both oh yes yes I but you didn't belong to both oh yes yes I but you didn't belong to both oh yes yes I didn't belong to either one right and didn't belong to either one right and didn't belong to either one right and now you want two worlds that you belong now you want two worlds that you belong now you want two worlds that you belong to both yes yes it makes sense I can to both yes yes it makes sense I can to both yes yes it makes sense I can understand it but it's not connecting understand it but it's not connecting understand it but it's not connecting with how I feel like my emotional health with how I feel like my emotional health with how I feel like my emotional health right now it's very unstable I'm not in right now it's very unstable I'm not in right now it's very unstable I'm not in the right place I don't know to what to the right place I don't know to what to the right place I don't know to what to completely accept the state of our completely accept the state of our completely accept the state of our relationship okay when I'm with him I relationship okay when I'm with him I relationship okay when I'm with him I feel comfortable and it's amazing and feel comfortable and it's amazing and feel comfortable and it's amazing and there's so many aspects of the there's so many aspects of the there's so many aspects of the relationship now that are working really relationship now that are working really relationship now that are working really good such as yeah because this is back good such as yeah because this is back good such as yeah because this is back to the first question yeah yes has to the first question yeah yes has to the first question yeah yes has changed but other changes the positive changed but other changes the positive changed but other changes the positive changes that you've made I know you're changes that you've made I know you're changes that you've made I know you're coming with a dilemma mm-hmm you open coming with a dilemma mm-hmm you open coming with a dilemma mm-hmm you open the relationship at a certain point and the relationship at a certain point and the relationship at a certain point and you after some explorations felt this is you after some explorations felt this is you after some explorations felt this is not what I want or at least not right not what I want or at least not right not what I want or at least not right now and so you're not aligned anymore now and so you're not aligned anymore now and so you're not aligned anymore mm-hmm mm-hmm okay but you were saying a mm-hmm mm-hmm okay but you were saying a mm-hmm mm-hmm okay but you were saying a lot of good changes have happened like a lot of good changes have happened like a lot of good changes have happened like what or start by saying what changed what or start by saying what changed what or start by saying what changed about him that changed about you that about him that changed about you that about him that changed about you that changed about him that changed about you changed about him that changed about you changed about him that changed about you yeah what changed about him is that he yeah what changed about him is that he yeah what changed about him is that he became like getting that job was him became like getting that job was him became like getting that job was him becoming brave about doing something becoming brave about doing something becoming brave about doing something that for many years you didn't want to that for many years you didn't want to that for many years you didn't want to do you I was afraid to true or afraid to do you I was afraid to true or afraid to do you I was afraid to true or afraid to try you were afraid you thought that you try you were afraid you thought that you try you were afraid you thought that you would never be able to find a job you would never be able to find a job you would never be able to find a job you acted like you were not successful on acted like you were not successful on acted like you were not successful on you you felt such a failure all the time you you felt such a failure all the time you you felt such a failure all the time that he was that you were acting as a that he was that you were acting as a that he was that you were acting as a failure all the time so it was so easy failure all the time so it was so easy failure all the time so it was so easy to not see you or to see you as a to not see you or to see you as a to not see you or to see you as a failure which was definitely not failure which was definitely not failure which was definitely not attractive and when you you found this attractive and when you you found this attractive and when you you found this job and then somebody else offering you job and then somebody else offering you job and then somebody else offering you an even better job you became this an even better job you became this an even better job you became this attractive person for me class at the attractive person for me class at the attractive person for me class at the same time you know in therapy I same time you know in therapy I same time you know in therapy I realized that I had had that role that realized that I had had that role that realized that I had had that role that caretaker role for so many years since caretaker role for so many years since caretaker role for so many years since your dad passed away and I was so tired your dad passed away and I was so tired your dad passed away and I was so tired of that role I was so ready to leave it of that role I was so ready to leave it of that role I was so ready to leave it and throw it away and not see it again and throw it away and not see it again and throw it away and not see it again and that was my opportunity to oh my god and that was my opportunity to oh my god and that was my opportunity to oh my god drop it on break I didn't want and I drop it on break I didn't want and I drop it on break I didn't want and I don't want it anymore now either don't want it anymore now either don't want it anymore now either I wanted us to be a more egalitarian I wanted us to be a more egalitarian I wanted us to be a more egalitarian couple because like I was reading a lot couple because like I was reading a lot couple because like I was reading a lot about that and I didn't feel that that about that and I didn't feel that that about that and I didn't feel that that was happening before because a lot of was happening before because a lot of was happening before because a lot of the domestic responsibilities were always the domestic responsibilities were always the domestic responsibilities were always on my end so it was not a balance we've on my end so it was not a balance we've on my end so it was not a balance we've talked about this right not a balanced talked about this right not a balanced talked about this right not a balanced fair relationship where you know we would fair relationship where you know we would fair relationship where you know we would share equally you mean like like the share equally you mean like like the share equally you mean like like the domestic boring stuff at home well but I domestic boring stuff at home well but I domestic boring stuff at home well but I would cook and do the dishes and chores would cook and do the dishes and chores would cook and do the dishes and chores or when when when was that I felt that I or when when when was that I felt that I or when when when was that I felt that I think what you mean because I was the think what you mean because I was the think what you mean because I was the one executing all these chores but you one executing all these chores but you one executing all these chores but you were the one making decisions so you were the one making decisions so you were the one making decisions so you felt that you were responsible to pay the felt that you were responsible to pay the felt that you were responsible to pay the bills and to be on top of things and bills and to be on top of things and bills and to be on top of things and then you had to tell me what to do then you had to tell me what to do then you had to tell me what to do because I had no responsibility on my own because I had no responsibility on my own because I had no responsibility on my own so initiative or initiative or yeah so initiative or initiative or yeah so initiative or initiative or yeah whatever I needed somebody tell me what whatever I needed somebody tell me what whatever I needed somebody tell me what to do and then I would do it and I felt to do and then I would do it and I felt to do and then I would do it and I felt that I couldn't think for myself because that I couldn't think for myself because because you would have wanted your way anyway. and under this regime what was your sexual relationship like oh it was horrible it was i didn't want to i didn't feel like and he would just complain that it was it never happened that it was like he would count it many times that in the last month we've only had sex maybe one or twice is it is it fair to say that i would complain because i remember because months would go by and i wouldn't say anything and then i would have a conversation which i would say you know let's talk about this yeah i'm being but we needed to have a conversation that's what it so yeah but the conversations were not like the conversations we have now about sex yeah anyway i mean it's no point other than just remembering the positive change um i think we're doing things differently at home about that i've changed my perspective about that and my role it's like okay um I'll let you decide also whenever you you need to take responsibilities or about the domestic and let you do things the way you want to do so all of those aspects i i'm really enjoying about these relationships except that i i never imagined that it would happen with an open relationship and there's a part of you that says to him i took care of you all these years i finally resigned and now you go and you bring other people to take care of it's like i don't want to share yeah well yeah i thought that he could take care of himself because that would be even so you think that he found somebody else to outsource the role you used to have i think so partially yes throughout the session i come back through the question which is what are the positive changes that took place in your relationship because i have a sense that they could so easily go back to the fraught time to the time when things were completely stuck but then comes the conversation that she just brings up that the good positive changes are being questioned because they've come in the context of his requesting for them to also switch to an open relationship and so i need to go and find out what are the conversations that they have had and what is the conversation that they want to have now support for where should we begin comes from quince i hate to break it to you but now that 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pumpkin spice latte is back at starbucks it's the one we've been waiting for so whether you're a fan of the original pumpkin spice latte or ready to mix it up with an iced pumpkin cream chai the new iced pumpkin cream chai is back at starbucks or the new iced pumpkin cream shake and espresso you can find your favorite taste of fall only at starbucks how mad that you had the role you had for all those years how mad am i i mean i just planted the seed but yeah maybe it's not mad but no it's not mad it's not mad i just quit it was enough for me because it was damaging me so i also wonder when i realized about that how hard was that to hear when i said that i didn't want to have the mother role anymore i always wondered if it hurt you enough for you to accept that role from somebody else um it sounded good on paper but then when we started acting differently and then you would remind me oh well now you're responsible i realized all that you did for me and i appreciate it so it was it was a process for me to feeling that i have to be my own person be responsible for myself um hence the attraction of someone who says you're my project yeah i'm sure that it had to do with that originally but not necessarily at this point yeah at this point it has to do i think with so many other factors one of them being you know like you and i we have a relationship that allows me to be one person that i am which is this spanish-speaking person that grew up in ecuador that went to your school that's me but it was interesting because when i met this other person i started remembering my experiences at high school in queens and on all this other side of me like i'm also that person my american love story and my ecuadorian love story absolutely yes yeah the love stories are very different in different cultures and we have one and this other one allowed me to feel that oh i belong here too you know i have a place here that's part of why i suggested before that you were very eloquently describing how you lived in different worlds in which you always felt you belonged to none and that at the moment that the two of you were able to jump start a new story together you decided i will again create different worlds but this time i'll belong to both yes because this time i have control over them i initiated them rather than me just being taken from one place to the other so can i ask a question um how do you explain that if we have this open relationship we are doing just so well like sexually but also we just get along we laugh we watch movies and we talk about movie i mean about music and we just get alone and it's been great i think because um we're doing well in all of these other aspects and that gives us satisfaction so we want more of that we want to keep that strong because we know that just the fact of being open and having somebody else has the potential to destroy the relationship if we don't pay attention to our our relationship the way we are we will lose ourselves we will lose each other yeah i mean ideally i would like to feel that individually we can do this and not have to rely on a third person to make this happen for us what if let's say tomorrow she dies so we're gonna be our relationships can be like to the floor or if she moves to somewhere other state or you know i feel like depending on this other person or on on this other relationship for us to be that good yeah that's what you're saying when we are on the verge of leaving or losing each other in the presence of loss we discover what we have and we suddenly fight for it with love and fear yeah i don't feel that we are about to lose each other at all i think that we are very uh stable right now uh i was saying i don't feel like i want to leave you or at all like i don't see leaving you ever yeah i can only speak for myself no i don't feel that stable emotionally it's one day at a time and sometimes even one hour at a time say more what is shaking you i have i just it's hard for me to explain exactly but it's this feeling of i feel confused at times i feel uncertainty i just feel uncomfortable with with the open marriage yes I totally understand this other aspects that are working but I wonder how real they are like I feel like oh yeah this is amazing but in virtue of what does this need to be here forever so we can be like this I don't know I'm having trouble trusting this and I feel insecure I am NOT using this other relationship to make our relationship work that's how I feel though but I'm not hold on yes she just told you I feel insecure stay with that mm-hmm do you understand it yes do you know why what she's talking about because you're bringing it back over to you I think that she feels insecure she's right here yes I think you feel insecure because you start from a different place and or a different premise I think that somehow you feel that love comes from one bucket so love comes from one bucket so if I'm giving love to somebody else it has to come from your bucket and at some point maybe that buckets gonna empty or that other relationship is gonna grow to the point that I would just go away and I won't just choose that or the other person but that has nothing to do with you question mark sorry put a question mark and now check with her yeah what do you think well it has to do with me you know there are certain decisions that you've made may take with her that will affect me right now I don't understand what's the role she has in your life can that role be you know she be your like close friend where you know can you remove the romantic or can you remove the physical contact maybe totally off but as I'm listening to you I'm trying to understand when you say I feel insecure and he talks about him you talk about her but nobody I want to stay with you in the situation in which you walk around with resentment but you have to be the decision-maker CEO of the house and that you're not particularly interested in him and that well then we're all sexually shut down I don't see him enough of a man with confidence with whom I can let go because after all the pleasure in sexuality is about letting go and the letting go you can only do when someone can actually receive you and for that you need to experience him as sturdy and somewhat strong able to withstand the force of your desire and there is no insecurity there and also there is a kind almost a false security that he depends on you he needs you so ain't going anywhere no fear of abandonment there then he becomes more independent more separate this is a new relationship he doesn't need you in the same way so he can finally want you and part of why you were not responding when he would come with his calculator about how often you had sex is because this was not a conversation about desire this was a conversation about caretaking and needs needs is not an aphrodisiac desire is an aphrodisiac but when you have an adult man here in an adult woman there who is in full expression of her desire then all these other feelings come up true why is that you tell me they're your feelings we're trying to decipher do you have a pill that I guess I mean first of all tell me how you understand what I'm saying and where it lands on you both of you yeah I guess these feelings are relatively new for me I'm always consider myself someone that was not jealous and before we started to change in our relationship I trusted him like completely I never what developing feelings for somebody else that he would not that he would not yeah I just you didn't see him in a sexual way I mean we had like our up-and-down we've been together for 30 I'm not saying you didn't have sex with him no when you see together for 30 I'm not saying you didn't have sex with him no when you see somebody in a sexual way when you somebody in a sexual way when you eroticize them you connect them to their eroticize them you connect them to their freedom yeah and when you connect freedom yeah and when you connect somebody to their sense of freedom and somebody to their sense of freedom and exploration and discovery that's the exploration and discovery that's the part that becomes curious about other part that becomes curious about other things and other people and other things and other people and other experiences when he's at home weeping on experiences when he's at home weeping on himself feeling shitty about himself himself feeling shitty about himself when he's completely impotent in life when he's completely impotent in life then there's not much to worry about or to be jealous about then there's not much to worry about or to be jealous about true you don't have to worry about him true you don't have to worry about him falling in love with somebody else he falling in love with somebody else he doesn't like himself enough to even doesn't like himself enough to even think anybody would be interested you think anybody would be interested you can have monotony or jealousy but it's can have monotony or jealousy but it's not a bad feeling you'll decide what you not a bad feeling you'll decide what you want to do you'll decide where this want to do you'll decide where this takes this can be a phase this can be a takes this can be a phase this can be a new relation whichever way you you know new relation whichever way you you know but but words that belong to the conversation words that belong to the conversation that you are not bringing in and one of that you are not bringing in and one of them you bring in now is insecurity but them you bring in now is insecurity but what is that insecurity the insecurities what is that insecurity the insecurities that I don't show you anything about me that I don't show you anything about me I don't have to worry about will you be I don't have to worry about will you be interested in me but when I bring you interested in me but when I bring you what I think is the best of me sexually what I think is the best of me sexually erotically then suddenly I have to erotically then suddenly I have to question am I enough I knew that question am I enough I knew that they understood me because they had already they understood me because they had already had that conversation and they were had that conversation and they were leaving it so she understood that when leaving it so she understood that when she saw him and when he saw himself as she saw him and when he saw himself as stuck at home without much confidence stuck at home without much confidence there was not much to be insecure about there was not much to be insecure about but when you reconnect to the erotic but when you reconnect to the erotic nature of another person you're also nature of another person you're also connecting to the side of them that is connecting to the side of them that is free that is exploratory and that of free that is exploratory and that of course free that is exploratory and that of course means that they may look elsewhere means that they may look elsewhere means that they may look elsewhere they may explore other things and that is they may explore other things and that is they may explore other things and that is what elicits the insecurity there's what elicits the insecurity there's what elicits the insecurity there's nothing bad about her or him in this nothing bad about her or him in this nothing bad about her or him in this this is natural and that's why we start this is natural and that's why we start this is natural and that's why we start to talk about insecurity and jealousy to talk about insecurity and jealousy to talk about insecurity and jealousy they are part of the conversation of they are part of the conversation of they are part of the conversation of erotic couples all erotic couples have erotic couples all erotic couples have erotic couples all erotic couples have conversations about jealousy and conversations about jealousy and conversations about jealousy and insecurity your favorite fall 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Share My Trip from Uber, you can send your live trip location to the ones who matter most. Like Dan and Hannah, who always wait up to make sure their daughter gets back to her college dorm room. Or Tiffany, who's running late as usual, and her friends are tracking her trip to make sure she's actually on her way. Look, she's right there. She's three minutes away. Or Sam, who never goes anywhere without her roommate knowing exactly where she is. Some journeys are meant to be shared. Share your ride in real time with Share My Trip on Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn. Learn more on the Uber app. Am I enough? That's a very deep word for me. Because I think about my relationship with my mom. And how my mom made me feel not worth enough. So that brought me to read about childhood wounds. And this whole thing brings me back to those feelings a lot. And we also live in a paradigm that says that the way you know you are enough is when you're the only one. So if there is more than one, then there is a need for more than one. That means I'm not enough. Can I ask a question? I was wondering how is the relationship between me and your mom? - If you feel that your mom didn't love you, how is that related to me? - It's related to you because of your actions. I can understand where you're coming from and how you feel about this, the relationships and all that, but I also feel that that's a hard job for me. - Why is that? - I used to feel like my mom didn't think I was enough. You know, it was, I don't know how to explain, but it brought feelings that connected to that part of my childhood. This is just to say that I need you to constantly remind me what I am for you, that I'm worth it, that I'm worth it. - Do you feel that it would be only fair for me to take care of you a little bit now, that after you've taken care of me for so long? - I do, but I also feel that sometimes I don't know how to let that happen. So it would be a new thing for me, like it is learning to let go. - I feel like I'm a part of your life. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And there's new feelings that are very uncomfortable for me. - I do feel that I want to make you happy 24/7, and I do feel that I want to make her happy 24/7, and I want to make my daughter happy 24/7, and this is, and it's very stressful for me. - Yeah, I wonder why you don't focus on feeling happy yourself. - I don't know. - Making other people happy makes you happy. - I couldn't save my dad. So I metaphorically save you, save our daughter, save my lover. If they need me, I can be there for them. And at the same time, what you said before, I didn't have the choice between living in two worlds or more. Now I do. But you always do come in multiples. And that's a question for you. That doesn't mean there's something not to do so, but there is a question that she's asking you is, why is one home not enough? So when you say to him, if we're going to explore this, wherever this takes us, I am going to need you to not just reassure me as in, little tap on my shoulder, don't be scared, but as in full affirmation of me as a woman, with my desires, with my jealousy, with or without my own experiences. And I need to hear that loud and clear from you, but not from the place that you just said. And you know, I want to make you happy because you need me. You know, you needed your father in some weird way. The story you told is that your father had to be dead for you to realize how much your family loved you. And how much the element of loss is built in to the narrative of love and belonging. - After my father got killed, I spent a lot of time with him. I spent years fantasizing about all the different possibilities of what I could have done to save him. - I'm sure. - I was obsessed with that. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. - And when my mother became ill with cancer, I guess I saw that as an opportunity. I'm going to save this one. And I just left everything behind. - How many years did you take care of her? - I think four. So yeah, I guess it's not about me taking care of her. I take care of other people. It's about what I need and, you know. - But here is your challenge. When she says to you, our relationship has not been about you taking care of me, that's a new role for me. But it's a new role for you too. You don't know how to take care of people who are not facing death. It's a different kind of care-taking. - Yes. - How do you take care of a woman who just woke up after decades, you understand? You're going to ask yourself every morning, what does it look like to take care of a woman who is radiant, not the woman who is dying? You lived for years with a woman who was erotically shut down. And I'm talking erotically, not sex. It's in relation to pleasure, relation to sensuality, relation to permission, relation to being able to give to herself. She was in full responsibility mode. So your challenge is taking care of a radiant woman who needs something very different. And she basically just told you, I need you to want me and make me feel like a queen. That's my words, but that's my French translation of yours. - Your words were words that I had expressed as well before. - Ah, bueno. - Exactly that way. - Remember? - La reina. - The queen. - You understand? Not nurse. Not secretary. Not executive director. Queen. Whatever the word. But this is your opportunity. It's a very different kind of caretaking. And whether you do that in the context of plurality or in the context of exclusivity, that you will decide as you go along. - Mm. - That's right. - It's a very different kind of caretaking. - It's a different kind of caretaking. It's a different kind of caretaking. - It's a different kind of caretaking.