Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This episode, non-compliance and backchat, is all about those frustrating situations we all have, it's not just you, but we have at home with our children or teens when they simply do not do what we ask of them. Now, this may be an intentional digging of heels, a complete lack of urgency, or simply what feels like a constant clashing of heads. Alternatively, you may not yet have a huge problem or you're just wanting to brush up on your tools and skills, or even you're in that wonderful sort of situation where you're just going to prep yourself because you know the time is coming, but it hasn't yet. Sorry, I shouldn't be laughing or chuckling. I'm just having a bit of a nostalgic moment of those kind of gorgeous, yummy years when our children are kind of idolising us and thinking we're these amazing people. You know, our children are that kind of yummy, gorgeous, just want to pinch their cheek kind of stage when it was like, well, my mummy said, my daddy says, that whole, like, everything that we say is absolutely true and we're amazing. And then at some point, it's not that they don't think that we're gorgeous and amazing and wonderful anymore, I just think that they recognise and realise that we're humans, that we have our flaws, that we sometimes ask them to do things that we're guilty of. So we nag them and yet we do the same. So I think it's all kind of part and parcel of that. And I do think that, you know, if we're looking at the wider situations where these particular tools and strategies I'm going to share with you, which there's seven this time, I think it's important to kind of remember and take that step back. But about why are we in this situation in the first place? You know, as in requests that I'm making of my child or teen, is it reasonable? Am I asking them to do something that is just a bit of a nitpicky thing that I've got? And actually, I'm going into battle with them constantly about something that isn't as important and there's something much bigger behind the whole issue. Now, that's for a whole other episode. So we'll kind of talk about that. So today's I want to be super practical about. If you're having, in these situations where your children are simply not doing what you're asking them to do and or you're getting a lot of back chat with it, what are the things that we can do? And the reason why I wanted to do this episode was that I've recently bubble childcare. Their app is phenomenal, but they also offer free lunchtime webinars. And I'm often doing those. And we did one specifically about back chat. And I thought I can do a bit more in a longer episode. That I can share what I would say to you to signpost as well. So I'm going to go through seven particular strategies with you. But there is also on one of the bucket emptying episodes, there is another tool that you can use concurrently with this that's called sowing the seeds. So do look that one up as well, because it's all about fundamentally having lots and lots of tools in your toolkit that you pull out and you use at certain times. Some work better in some situations than others. So let's look at when we're having non-compliance, when we're having back chat that either goes with it or separately, what are the things that we can do? And the first one is obviously, as you would expect, it's to do with us. The first one is about staying calm. When we lose our S-H-I-T, whatever that way might be, and when it's not about going into a complete and utter psychotic rage with our children, although I think we all do that sometimes, it's simply about the way that we approach that non-compliance and the way that we approach that back chat. When we do not approach it from a space of calm, we've lost the battle already. And whether that non-calm comes from nagging, whether it comes from repetition, whether it comes from we don't say anything, but our body language and our huffing and our puffing and our slamming things around communicates that same message. So the first one is about really trying in those moments to stay calm rather than react. So if you imagine that the non-compliance that you're getting from your child or teen, if that's a heel digging or a shouting at you or ignoring, or you're getting that back chat, when you meet their back chat with anything other than a calm state, all that happens is we get into this upward spiral, things escalate. You say, they say things that they regret, or you do, they do things that they subsequently regret. And it's a hiding to nowhere. We're just not going to get anywhere with it. So it's being able to stay detached in that moment and keep that calm and that composure within yourself, because that gives you a much better capability and ability to respond. And it may well be by staying calm is that you remove yourself from that particular situation, or you don't. Don't repeat the request because you can feel yourself being triggered in some way. There is something so incredibly powerful in our silence, much more than I think we ever give ourselves credit for. It really is so much more helpful because what typically happens when we have a situation where we've asked our children to do something over and over and over again, is our children get to a certain point where, depending on who we are and how we typically deal with it, is that our children are almost like, well, I know, that they're going to ask me four times and on the fifth time, they're going to raise their voice and I'll just respond to that. It's not conscious. They don't sit there and think, I'm counting number one, I'm counting number two, I'm counting number three, I'm counting number four. Oh, now I need to respond. It's just something that becomes so habitual that they've learned that it's just the way that we are, that that's what happens. So when we disrupt that by instead not giving the typical pattern that we do by escalating, getting more frustrated, or meeting their back chat with our own, that is something different. And our brain actively responds to and seeks out novelty. So it's like, oh my God, it's gone silent, or they've not reacted in that same way. They're much more likely to pay attention. So the first thing that we can do that is really powerful is about staying calm. Now, in those heated moments, it can be really difficult to stay calm. So it's also remembering, go back to bucket episodes, specifically the talk about making sure that we empty our bucket. We cannot and are most unlikely to stay calm in a situation of non-compliance if we have not regularly been checking what's going in our bucket and then regularly engaging in things that genuinely empty that bucket. Remember, the tap goes both ways. We turn the tap one way and we think we are emptying that bucket, whether that's mindless scrolling through social media, whether that's streaming something on television, whether it's just vegging on this, whatever it is that we think empties it. One way we think it's emptying, but it actually isn't. And when we turn the tap the other way, it genuinely does. Having a conversation with a friend, having some exercise, journaling, it's working out what are the things that you need to do. So being calm in the first place is not miraculously going to happen unless we engage actively in mechanisms that are going to make sure that our bucket is not always at that place where we just need one more drop and it overspills. So that's the first one. Number two, and this is a really helpful thing to do is if you're listening to this and this really resonates with you because you're constantly battling, what I would encourage you to do is maybe do a bit of a step back, maybe have a bird's eye view of the situation or consider it as a landscape. You're looking at a map, is look for patterns. There may be some specific patterns around your child or your teen's non-compliance and or their back chat. And so that is much more around doing a bit of an audit. Can I step away from the day-to-day non-compliance and instead of battling it, can I just notice, can I observe when I ask my child or my teen to do something, are there patterns that I can pick up on when they're least compliant? And it could be that by looking for those patterns, you might spot that it might be when they first come back from school and maybe we've given them too many things to do or maybe it's just before bed or at certain times when they've had bad days because our children have got their own bucket that's filling and emptying. So it's sometimes instead of it being about the clarity with which we give the message, which I'm going to look at in a little bit as one it's not about our technique, but much more about the state of mind that our child is in. You know, we talk about number one being staying calm. from our perspective well it may well be that there are patterns that are playing out which means that our child is more likely to be non-compliant and more likely to back chat because of what's going on in terms of their own landscape and what might be going on in their own bucket and what might be going on in their own lives that may well be part of that part of it may well be temperament we do have very you know characters wise we've all got our own personalities as adults and so do our children and some children as are some adults can be much more headstrong can be much more opinionated can be more rigid in wanting to do things in a particular way at a particular time so there may be some character things but again you're going to pick that out when you're looking for patterns but there will also be an environmental piece that may well be playing out and armed with that information information is power knowledge is power it means that when we're then looking at how do we best rectify it how can we can make those changes it's so much easier to do if you know what the landscape is you know if we're deciding that we want to drive from edinburgh to exeter we don't just get in a car and just hope for the best if we've got a really clear roadmap and a sense of direction even if it's not the most precise of directions then we're much more likely to get there and we're much more likely to get there more quickly than if we sort of just have this sort of blind faith in just trying anything just getting in the car and seeing what happens so the first one's about staying calm the second one is about looking for patterns so those are sort of broad bits the third one in terms of offering choices is much more about how we might have got to this particular place and then the next four are going to be much more about situational and how we handle those so broad stay calm look for offer choices number three is about it may well be that we're getting non-compliance and or back chat because we have a child or a teen that is desperate for a certain amount of independence and we are stifling that and so the non-compliance actually comes from a space of i just want some independence you'll keep telling me what i have to do when i have to do it and actually i'm battling against the fact that you're i feel like you're treating me like a child and obviously our children are still children but but this like you're mollycoddling me you're not giving me any sense of freedom and that's why i'm battling it so part of the looking for patterns you may want to also reflect on okay so my child is not doing x and y my teen is not doing x or y they're getting a lot of back chat when i reflect on the things that i'm asking them to do am i asking them to do something and then empowering them to make the choices about how they do it or am i being super prescriptive so i've talked a lot about the fact that i am a reforming control enthusiast i like things done a particular way i like to be in charge i'm incredibly bossy and so for me i can very very easily find that i'm getting non-compliance when my children were younger and or back chat because i was being very prescriptive this needs to be done and it needs to be done precisely this way and for some things that was absolutely not an issue but for other things i wasn't giving them any freedom i wasn't giving them any sense of accomplishment any sense of independence any sense of confidence because it was all about my way or the highway so i would encourage you to reflect as part of the looking for patterns am i offering my child choices so for example in terms of homework being completed for example in terms of getting into bed on time are we being very prescriptive about what gets done when or are we simply giving them a choice of actually it's really important that homework gets done because it's been set by your school and there's an expectation that it's completed and so every single day before this particular time before we go to bed you need to make time for some homework these are going to be the landmarks in terms of eating and in terms of going up for bed anything that you're doing that's going to you can then use your time within that wisely to then make sure that you get the homework done for example that's one way to do it so or whether it's bedtime so we know that lights are going to be out at 7 30 again we've got these landmarks in terms of eating and whatever it might be it may be just eating there may be no other landmarks specifically so i'm now empowering you get to three hours worth of tech time during the week and the choice is yours as to when you use it if you need to be aware that that is a three-hour period and if it's all used up on a monday after school there is no more tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday until it renews again on monday so it's about really thinking how prescriptive are we being because otherwise the more shackles we put on our children the more we constrain them the more likely at some point that they're going to be in a situation where they're not going to be able to use it but they will because we want to grow we want our children to grow and develop to gain confidence by taking risks and making poor choices and using up all their digital time or forgetting their homework or not running out of time for a shower whatever it might be we want to create that space and so it's about are we really giving them the opportunity to make choices or are we being too prescriptive so so we're staying calm and looking for patterns as a broad bit it's as part of the looking for patterns and that audit it's also are we being too prescriptive are we offering choices if we're not where can we start offering choices and expand that you know that lane for them to make choices and if we're not offering anything what can we do there now the next four that i'm going to look at are much more specific around how we ask our children to do things and what we might then do so if we've got non-compliance and or back chat the first thing i would say is be clear on the instruction and on the expectation how often and i am have been so guilty of this busy parent juggling multiple things barking instructions as i'm going in one direction and barking the instructions behind me with the children behind me so just ask yourself am i being really clear on what i'm asking my child to do is it reasonable and have i been clear about the time frame in which i want it done and part of that being clear is about ditching the extra words that we often put into an instruction we get into this whole kind of like and i don't know how many times i've said to your bedroom such a mess i keep saying to you it needs to be tidied up before you can come downstairs or before we go out and you know this needs to be put away that needs to do that so we get into this long tirade and actually the child is non-compliant because i actually haven't we haven't been clear what tidying up your bedroom is so it could be simply as duvet back on the bed or clothes off the floor that's tidying your bedroom for example and it needs to be done by x time whatever that might be so i want you to really think about when you're giving instructions are you getting non-compliance because it's not really clear what you've expected there's too many things any words and being part of being clear is also managing our own expectations in terms of what that then looks like you know being managing our expectations so when we're talking about children tidying up their bedrooms it's not going to look the same as it would do if you were tidying their bedroom for them it's how they tidy it which is why it needs to be really clear what you really want is you want to make sure that the duvet or the sheet is at least spread out it won't be the pillows won't be plumped but if that's what they've done then they've made their bed if tidying their bedroom means that you just don't want stuff on the floor then be clear that you don't want stuff on the floor because that could mean that the stuff ends up on the bed yeah or if you say that you want it in drawers manage your expectations that they're not going to be folded neatly in the drawer so i think it's just about being clear and also managing our own expectations so we get less of that and remember it's a journey so if you've got a child i know i'm laboring the point about a bedroom but we've all you know this is a real world issue that so many parents have is if your child currently doesn't make their bed their clothes are all over the floor you can barely see your carpet that it's unreasonable to expect them to go from that to everything being tidied away in their drawers pristine in one step so part of it is also managing our expectations that we're going to need to have steps and if it's the simply the step of the the bed clothes get pulled back on so the whole bed is covered and things are off the floor but maybe shoved in drawers that's step number one let's get them doing that repeatedly before we move on to step number two so be really clear so we're overview stay calm look for patterns then we're reflecting on choices then we're making sure that we're super super clear the next one is about establishing boundaries have really clear boundaries in terms of those expectations. situations so don't get into the situation where you're battling over something you battle you battle and then you just concede and then you start doing it for them be really clear there are certain boundaries that you're just not going to compromise on but just have one or two and then add more you know these are some very clear boundaries that we just don't cross this is part of what the culture the values that we have within our family and that's why it's really important that we adhere to those and the others you're just going to need to accept that that's a process help them acquire the fundamentals of what's really important the fundamental boundaries that are really crucial within your family rather than layering in multiple things so it's being establish those boundaries establish those boundaries around what's the most important thing that you're doing and what's the most important thing that you're doing and what's your responsibility and what's your child's responsibility and if there are some boundaries around things that are your child's responsibility for example maybe it's toys that they have maybe it's their clothes and part of the boundaries may simply be that you that if it's their clothes for example or their toys and they don't look after them then that that's part of their boundaries that's a natural consequence which we'll move on to so it's being able to so that we don't end up overplaying everything because the challenge around non-compliance and back chat is it can often feel like we're constantly battling them if it's not a that we're battling them whether it's b or c or d or e so it's really being able to establish where do those boundaries fall so we're staying calm we're looking for patterns we're offering choices we're being really clear when we give that instruction and what that means we're establishing boundaries number six is around enforcing consequences i'm a huge believer in children learning through choices that they make experiential learning is the most powerful for our children it's how they it's genuinely how they learn it's by doing trying making mistakes having successes getting back up and trying again and so consequences is a really powerful way for us to enforce rules and behaviors values within our home and those consequences ought to be on both sides so positive consequences you know when you do x y and z when you put your plates in the dishwasher when you help unpack supermarket shops and a natural consequence is a compliment maybe or a natural consequence is we just got a bit more time and i get to do things with you that i might not ordinarily do a natural consequence is a compliment maybe or a natural consequence is you know what i'm going to give you the choice and i'm going to empower you to make a decision even as a three or four year old whether you take your raincoat or not but a natural consequence if you choose not to put it on or not to take it is that you'll get wet or you'll get cold that's a really great experiential way to learn so it's really looking at making sure that when we've given our children super you know super clear instructions when we've afforded them choices where we can and we've given them super clear instructions when we've afforded them choices we we're then making sure that we are consistent in the application of consequences if you tell your child that there is a consequence to them not doing a particular pattern of behavior or not fulfilling a particular role or duty that you've requested of them and you've been super clear about it you need to then be super clear in terms of enforcing the consequences and enforcing them consistently it's not one day it's oh don't worry about it we'll deal with it tomorrow and then the next day it's like how many times do i ask you you never do it so it's being really clear which again goes back to the choices and the establishing boundaries is am i asking them to do something that really doesn't matter i've just found myself in the habit of getting them asking them and actually we're doing battle all of the time and we're not getting anywhere and it's not purposeful it's not helpful but really making sure that we enforce those consequences we're doing battle all of the time and we're not getting anywhere and we're not getting anywhere and losing your privileges around tech because you believe that that's going to hurt and we're not talking about physically hurts but it's good that's where your child's going to feel and experience the most pain it's not helpful because it's not related not always related to the misdemeanor and so if we're looking at changing patterns of behavior if we're looking at our children becoming more compliant and doing things when we ask them to and we're looking at the consequence piece it has to relate to the task we've asked them to do and we're looking at the otherwise it's not instructive in any way so it's enforcing consequences and then the last one number seven is praise good behavior praise appropriate behavior praise steps towards compliance so descriptive praise is simply about saying what you see so i'm i'm really you know i thought i'm very pleased that you chose to get started on your homework you sat down i didn't washing the laundry away i'd noticed that you'd you'd already got cracking that's brilliant that shows real initiative and the idea behind descriptive and praising those good behavior is that of course it's natural to praise it praise our children when they do exactly what we've asked them to do all the way through but it also can be incredibly powerful when they've still been non-compliant in the full task but they've demonstrated aspects of willingness or small steps towards completing some but not necessarily all of the tasks so if you're battling with a teen who's just not doing any revision they've written a revision timetable let's say praise that okay yes they haven't sat and done any revision and that the revision timetable may be a procrastination but that praising of i'm so impressed with the fact that you just really spent some time to consider what the next few weeks might look like and pull together a timetable that you're the that you want to work with it's really powerful because you've just praised them and who doesn't like a bit of praise and by doing that you've acknowledged the specific behavior that they've done and you've kept front and center in their mind the desired behavior of revising so they're much more likely to then take that next step the next day or later on that day than oh well it's great you've done a revision revision timetable but i haven't seen when you're going to do any you actually going to do some then you've just completely wiped away that sense of pride and capability that we could have given them from from doing that um if you've got a child who's really problematic at bedtime and they've okay maybe they don't sleep on their own every single night maybe they're in and out of their bedroom multiple times but you've noticed on this particular day it took them 10 minutes before they came out rather than their usual two and just say i'm really impressed jack that you know that you actually did a revision timetable actually gave it a really good go you were in your bedroom for a whole 10 minutes today and you were really trying to not come out and to be brave and not feeling nervous about falling asleep on your own i'm so impressed because what that does is now jack's thinking go to 10 minutes i wonder if i could do a bit longer next time so we're praising we're helping them because it's easy to do the praising of the big stuff when they do exactly what we want them to do but it's those small steps that we want to do along the way as well you've actually gave it a really good go you were in your bedroom for a whole 10 minutes today now as usual these seven top tips will be available in a checklist for you to download from my resource library as usual you just need to head over it's www.drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do if you haven't already done so is put your email address in and you'll get instant access not only to this week's checklist but all the other resources whether they're checklists or useable illustrative tools for all my podcast episodes as ever if you have enjoyed this episode i would love it if you could follow rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time take care bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye I'll see you next time.
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