Nikki Glaser | Club Random Classics with Bill Maher

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Estimate based on average combined Walmart Plus and Sam's Club Plus savings among members of both for one plus year versus non-member or club member pricing/fees. Excludes membership fees. See Walmart Plus terms and Sam's Club terms for more info. Well, in this month's Club Random Classics, we've, oh, we're rewinding to my dear friend Nikki Glaser, oh, razor sharp, obviously very candid, shall we say, wink wink, and just always hysterically funny. From the little lies of Instagram and the real cost of showing up in Hollywood to aging, touring, why she's not interested in having kids. It's everything. Nikki cuts through the bullshit and her performance gets to the messy truth. It's sharp. It's always rude, as I love it, and it lands where it hurts and then makes you laugh about it. : Club Random. : Hi! : Honey, I'm home. : It's so good to see you. : How did that work? Hi. : Hi. : Good to see you. : Look at you. : You look great. Thank you. : It's been too long. : It has been. : It's probably right here, right? : I think it was. The last time in person. Hi. : What's going on? : You know. : I don't know. That's why you're here. Tell us. : What's been going on? Just busy? : I mean, I've certainly seen you, you know, I saw your Tom Brady roast, which you killed it. : Thank you so much for referencing it on your show. That was so nice. : I did? : You did. It was a great moment. I got so many texts about it, and then I watched it myself. : Well, I mean. : It was nice. : There was a lot of heavy. : You, like, stopped down to say nice things after you told the joke, but it was so cool. : Well, I mean, there was a lot of heavy comedy hitters there, and you wound up the star of it. That's a. : Thanks, Bill. : That's a good moment in your career. : Yeah. It was the moment. Like, I'm kind of at the point where I'm like, if nothing like that ever happens again, that's okay, because it was so big. And it was just a culmination of. You just get really lucky sometimes where hard work and preparation and chance come together, and that was that moment. It was just perfect. : You look tan. : I'm so tan. I got a spray tan on top of a spray tan. : Why? : Because it makes me feel lovable. : Are you going to parties tonight? : Yeah, I'm going. Like, Emmys parties. I was nominated for an Emmy that I didn't win last week at the Creative Arts Emmys. : I was not gonna go to the WME. If you wanna go, I'll go with you. : Really? : Yeah. Let's go to the party together. : Is it tonight? : Yeah. : I'll drop by that one. : Where are we gonna go? : 'Cause I have to go to three other ones. : Oh, my. Why do you have to go? You just wanna go? : Because I RSVP'd, and I wanna get pictures, and that's just part of all this stuff. : Of course. That's right. You play that game. Right. : I paid, you know, $1,500 for a stylist to. : What? : And then $800 for hair and makeup, $200 for a spray tan. You gotta. And I'm not making money off these parties, I gotta go get those pictures. : But you proved to people you're. You're doing stuff. : Wow. : It's how people know. I mean, you get it. It's how people know that you're. Or people go, "You're doing so well." And I go, "Based on what?" And they go, "Just Instagram?" And I go, "Yeah, that's a. It's kind of a lie." Like, I'll even look at my own Instagram sometimes and be like, "She has it all." : Well. : I really will, and be like, "Wow, she's killing it." And I go, "Man, I gotta remember that this is. When I think that of other people, it's not the case." Which we all know, but. : Instagram is a lie. I mean, that's the whole point of it. : Yeah. : The whole point of Instagram. : Yeah. :. is leading a virtual life. And it. Look, I'm talking out of my ass here, 'cause do I do anything with it? No. : No. : But I certainly know enough about the culture, and people on it, and what people do, to know that. And of course, going by my own bits, bits have to be true, don't they? You couldn't say anything that. : Yeah. : But I know I've done bits about that. You know, that the virtual world to a certain group of people, the younger set, is just much more important than the real world. : Oh, yeah. : And it's much more important to look like you're having a good time than to actually being hap. Having a good time, which someone in my generation finds insane. : Yeah, and I'm somewhere in between those two generations. : Yeah, you are. Right. : Because I'll feel it sometimes where I'm like, "I'm having a genuinely good time, and it's so glad that I don't have to document this." And then you think later on, you go, "Why didn't I? I need to tell. Like, that was a waste of a good time because it wasn't. " : Wow. :. documented. Like, I have that regret sometimes. : I mean, that goes back to Madonna filming herself in Truth or Dare, which is when she was with Warren Beatty. We're talking about 1991, and Warren Beatty, in that famous scene, he's in it for a minute, but he has the great line, like, "Why do anything if it's not on camera?" : Yeah. : I mean, and that was a long time ago, but that just shows that mentality is not new. : Yeah. : It's just been brought to everyone. : Yeah. : And no wonder you kids are fucked up. : No, I know. It's so fucked. And I read something ages ago about it, and I found this really interesting, is that people are so depressed about their lives because we're on the same platform. Like, a person who's a housewife in the Midwest is seeing her little square on Instagram pop up on the same device that Kendall Jenner's is, or Kim Kardashian or whatever. So you don't think of them as like, "They're famous. I shouldn't compare myself." They're right next to me on this. : Right. : So it's like they're my neighbor. Like, we should compare ourselves to the people in our neighborhood, like, keeping up with the Joneses. But we're not. We're trying to. You compare yourself to the next square you see, which is some, you know, billionaire. : So does that mean that you want to have the same number of followers as the Kardashians? That would be a success? : No. : In your. : I don't. I'm really happy with how I am now. Like, I'm really not looking to get any more famous. Like, of course, I'll take it because I want money, because I want to serve my family. I want to survive in the apocalypse and have, like, to be. Or whatever happens, I want to be able to protect my family, friends. I want anyone in my family or loved one to get cancer and go, "I'll take care of it. Don't worry about anything. I'm gonna get the best treatment." That's what I'm stockpiling money for. That's what I want fame for. Because the pressure is not that fun, like, to get more and more followers and not be able to go out and get recognized. That's not that great. : Money is good when you. When you're sick. I mean, that is true. : Yeah. : It makes a difference. But also fame. : Oh yeah. : Doctors definitely. : Try harder. : You definitely want doctors who are fans. : Yes. : And not ones who are. Certainly, you wouldn't want one who wasn't a fan. : Yeah, yeah. : Or even indifferent, I feel, is like. You know what? I can find a doctor. : Yes. :. who can look up my ass and loves me already. : Yes. : And I just feel like it's going. Like any place, like a restaurant, like anywhere, it's just gonna be, "Why wouldn't you?" : It's. It's not a dumb pursuit to wanna be famous. I think it's. : No, no. : We all. We ascribe so much. You're so vapid if you wanna be famous. But it makes sense. You're more protected in society. You're treated better. It's. It's great. : What kid of almost any age doesn't wanna be famous? : A lot. Like. And when you were growing up and you had dreams of this. : Yeah. : Did all of your friends have dreams of this too? Because mine didn't. Mine were like, "That's not my life." And I go, "Why would you not wanna be famous? Isn't this. " : Yeah. : And the other kids. I mean, you probably recognize in yourself, even when you're a kid, what your talents are, where some kids think they're gonna be world-class athletes. : Yeah. : Very few of them do, but some do. I was funny, you know? I was like, "I always knew I was gonna do this." : Yeah. : You know? So this comes with fame if you do it well enough. Other people's dreams don't come with fame. So why would you fantasize about it? Because you're not gonna be a famous anthropologist, unless you're the greatest one in the world. : That's a good point. : Yes, I can name a few, but. : But I wanted to be a marine biologist, but I was like. work with animals in some way but i was like you can't be famous that way so and i wasn't good at acting or singing the fame first i think i just wanted to be on tv i think ultimately i was always attracted to comedy and those are the people that i wanted to be but i just didn't really know about stand-up comedy and well you're lucky started nikki because that is ass backwards you're supposed to like want to do the work and then you know get up there and go the fame is just a byproduct i i wish it didn't happen at all but it's the work which is bullshit it's bullshit right there's no shame in liking fame as long as it's from something and and and at least part of you feels that no i'm glad it came from the work and it's about the work first so yes you know you're lucky that you actually were funny because to just want to be famous a lot of people do but they got nothing do i have they've got nothing i got no you have something no i had nothing so when i wanted everyone has nothing to start no but i literally like i i knew from a very early age i want to be on tv and i tried to act in high school and um tried to go away to and like you know i auditioned for all these theater schools didn't get in any of them like getting feedback like you're not good at this but i wasn't passionate about it like i didn't realize what it takes to be a good actor because you have to like like doing i didn't like doing it i just wanted to perform um and you don't want to be an actor no right no to be honest with you i mean i'll do it because if it's fun it's the people i want to work with and it's like a quick shoot and it's not long lonely days in vancouver and uh yeah you know it would be good for you like yeah they they do a lot of these uh ones with like a big cast and it's a murder mystery yes bring me on for a day or two you could well a little probably a little more than that but be one of the people who could have killed the motherfucker who's dead yes and let daniel craig figure it out i don't know whoever you know is the dude and you know let uh i love the uh kenneth brano uh hercule perot movies that he does uh-uh i don't know anything about those what i'm sorry oh my god hercule perot you know who that is don't talk to me like i'm the hawk to a girl okay i don't think most people i'm not i'm not he's a very famous okay all right he's a very famous literary detective okay you know oh yes yes yes murder on the orange express death on the nile they made these movies in the 70s now he's okay it's great because you can bring on 18 people you know it's like i'm telling you you'd be really good okay that's what i'll do because yeah i just don't it just seems like a lonely life to be an actor i don't like memorizing lines i can do it i get nervous around really good actors i you know what i want to do is like a rom-com i i love rom-coms and yeah i mean that takes more devotion but you'd be great i'd like to do it i would devote myself first of all you could just and you should because come on who's kidding me i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna who it's just better to build it around your personality as it already is it would just be you don't need to that's what i'm saying just like i'm sorry jennifer anson's jennifer anson every movie but she's brilliant almost everybody is that there's everyone is there's no no there's a level of actors who are the daniel day lewis's of the world who are so horrible to work with or just obnoxious you know those characters you know he might be i don't have no idea but as an actor bales and the um the guy from succession kendall yeah you know the guys that get into it and are the character the whole time that's not fun to be around right but i mean to be able to do like some of the things he's done lincoln i mean thank god for his talent but yeah well i wouldn't go that far but i but i'm just saying i wouldn't either there's a there's a level of actor that does that i can be lincoln and then i can be the guy in you know uh gangs in new york uh and then most of the other ones who are like you say they're playing a version of themselves yes meryl streep can come out of a holocaust situation most people can't yeah you know you just there's just a lot and don't so they don't try and they shouldn't try and they shouldn't and you shouldn't try i i will not be doing any period pieces that's my that's my yeah that's i want to play myself and that would be any any roles i ever get i'm just like can she just be kind of like a sassy girl the girl's always a photographer or um what's the other job they give girls that are just like you could do one of those murder mysteries and it could be important to the plot uh for some reason when you have your period yeah perfect that's a period piece for me so it'd be slightly that would be amazing different i feel like i feel like we could weave that into a plot like that's how the detective i gotta get this role before i stop getting mine the detective knows that you are innocent because something with you oh that's someone says but she doesn't get it anymore she's very menopausal no yeah you're too young and vibrant are you still in love is how's the how's that shit going yeah i'm still in love i'm more in love than ever so great thank you oh as we talked about last time as i did my part my little part in the beautiful plot with the hawaii trip yes i feel like when the movie is made that would be a significant um act right of our film is the hawaii trip of uh you didn't have your period on that trip did you ah i probably lied and said i did to avoid intimacy but um no no i would never i would never no i'm so in love i mean but here's the thing though as you know like what do you care you like it in the ass anyway i do but i'm not even that anymore like i'm just kind of going through a um non-sexual part of my life which is just tough to reckon with i gotta get blood worked on i gotta like figure out why i'm like not horny anymore this poor guy um but we're so in love and like i i i had a breakthrough recently with him where we were kind of maybe gonna go our separate ways and then um again i was just i just stopped um i i just had an epiphany like i just it's so basic but i just realized like no one i'm fantasizing about maybe replacing him with or like not even a real person i'm thinking of no one's gonna be perfect and the things that aren't great about him are not me it's him i don't mean he doesn't need to be perfect he doesn't need to be perfect he doesn't need to be perfect for me and yeah and it was really just about acceptance and i we've just been so good ever since he's he's become my creative partner like i've really brought him in and so we're like oh he's such a funny guy he's funny and he just handles all the stuff i don't want to handle he's a great person oh i loved him he's awesome he loves you so much too and so we're so happy that's so delightfully honest the way you put that and the way you said that because most people would not say what you said out loud and everybody's thinking it which is like you said something like um anybody i could replace him with and that's something people just don't say out loud oh it's something i thought a lot and i'm sure he thought it about me but and you know because it's crazy that we're supposed to be with someone forever give me a fucking break look who you're talking i know i know i'm preaching to the choir but like i know it's true and he knows it's insane too yeah and so we're just trying to be partners and figure it out and anyone can see it's so hard for the people right in the middle of the eye of the eye of the storm to see but i think the people on the outside certainly who see you we know this is the guy you you're gonna be with this guy forever yes and he's gonna be with you you are you could just tell it about some couples it's just like the electron and the proton or something there's a there's a connection i really got lucky with him fucking up my chemistry but no yeah but you're so right you're not going to do better i'm not and who are you going to replace him with justin bieber i mean any one i thought of is like someone that would require too much attention kind of wants the spotlight he's totally fine with me being like the shiny one and supporting it and um and also like i just i we got into like a huge fight once which at a restaurant but like a fight that no one else was witnessing because we were at a rush i really recommend couples go to restaurants to like work on stuff because you can't get out of line if you're if you're not drinking except when they do do that when they do and i've had that happen oh god it's not cool yeah no we well we respect other people dining around us so glad i'm not 27 oh my god go back to 27 even if i oh really well i mean because life is full of crazy shit like that yeah like you know some girl like storming out of a restaurant and you following her and did you used to do that oh so i you know did i go out with girls who got super drunk and then when they got drunk they relived every fight you ever had and yeah did guys with psycho girl yeah because when you're young if someone's sexy you don't care about anything else i know if there's one thing that i don't blame you so great to leave behind from your dumb ass youth yes it's shit like that yeah so yeah i mean we've all been there well i guess i i had when i drank maybe i was there but um we got into a fight and he was just like you know i was talking about how i'm kind of bored in this relationship i was just it's hard for me to say but i'm like i'm kind of and he goes i hate to say it but you're one of the most boring people i've ever met he said that to you yeah and i go and i laughed because it was the week after the roast and i was one of the most googled people in the world and so i was like oh really i'm boring but he what he knew he was being hyperbolic and i knew what he meant which is like i don't like to do stuff i like to do i like to work and when i'm i don't like to meet new people i don't like to go out and play sports and you and he said, and we later talked about it, And I go, I'm boring. He's like, it's not what I meant. And I go, I know what you meant. And he goes, here's the thing, though. I don't care that you are. I love that you are. I'm not throwing it in your face. I'm just saying if you're bored, it maybe has something to do with you. But I don't care that you're boring. But you are. And I was like, that really hit me that I was like, I am boring. And I am a lot of things. Like, I don't like the outdoors. My family loves outdoors. And I've always had shame about it. But he accepts me. You are not, you're assuming an assumption of what makes someone boring that I do not share. Going outside, all activities. It's so funny. I just read a quote from some celebrity in the tabloids, because you know I read the tabs. Yeah, of course. I think it was Zoe Kravitz who was talking about when she first got together with Channing Tatum. And she said to him almost what you're saying there. She said, I just want you to know I don't do stuff. I don't do activities. I don't do things. And I thought, I totally get that. I don't do a lot of activities either. My days of like traveling, except for stand-up, really, I'm not. No. I'm not going to Paris again. I've seen it three times. Yeah. I could give reviews. You know, I get what's great. And I'm just not going back. It's so exhausting. I'm happy we're in my house. Maybe that's. I like what I like. I like what I like. I go to the same restaurants. I don't like to take chances. I have enough friends. If I need to make new friends, I will. That's what I'm saying. What makes life boring to me isn't that I'm not hiking. It's that the people I'm talking to. Yeah. Whoever they are. They may be friends, girlfriend. The conversation is, well, you know, this also maybe you see each other more than I would see a certain person because I feel like that's the key there is like if you're together enough, you run out of conversation. I've tried to fix my life so, you know, that doesn't happen by, in basketball, they would call it, you know, time management. Like fatigue management. They don't play the players every game now. Yes. It's like, no, I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong with LeBron. Yeah. But he's got to. He needs a rest. Okay. And I feel like that makes you better in the long run. But as long as the conversation. I don't want to go to. I'm the one who's like, no, I don't want to. That's it. Because wherever we are, unless we're like having a good time talking about it, whether it's watching a movie or looking at the Grand Canyon, then I might as well be alone. Yes. And I don't want to go to the Grand Canyon alone. Yep. That's when I'm bored is really based on conversation and how open people are willing to be and how honest is really. Because everything else, when you're not totally honest, it's just lateral motion. Oh, it's. It's an offshoot, but it's not this most exciting thing, which I guess to people like us is just, you're right. I'm the same way. Move forward. Yes. Like what's new, what's realer. And sometimes that can be hurtful. And I like to debate a lot for like to, I like people more after I've gotten into a disagreement with them. And some people really don't understand that. And they think I'm mad at them and they take it as really hostile. I've had to like pull back on it, but I realized that's how I connect with people is being like, so you think that. Okay, well, let's examine that. No, no, no. I really want to like, and oh man, people can shut down. I've lost some friends over it because they're like, Nikki's too much. You and I would be terrible together. Oh, we've debated before, but it's good because you like it too. I'm saying like in a girlfriend, that's like the exact opposite. Oh, oh, together, together. Yeah, I couldn't, it would just, yeah, we would. I'm too old. No, no, no. It's not, it's not that. That's mainly it. You look great. It's not that. Thank you. It's, it's that, and by the way, neither one of us is thinking of replacing you with him. Listen. But I'm just saying personality wise, that's like the opposite of what could ever work for me. Really? Yes. I'm a, but my. But in a front. I am what my mother used to call a pipe and slippers guy. Okay. I didn't think. I had become one, but. But that's what you are. Yeah. I like comfortable. I don't like, like, do I, I love to be told new information. Yes. I totally don't mind being told I'm wrong if you don't do it like an asshole. And if you can show me why, then it's like, oh, great. Yeah. Thank you for stopping me at this moment in my life before I went out and said that. Yes. To more people who would all think I'm stupid. So thank you. Uh-huh. And that happens. It does. So it's not about. It's not about that or ego. It's just like, I just like to be comfortable and, and just tone and. All new holiday drinks are now at McDonald's. Like the Frosted Cranberry Splash with Sprite. The Red Bull Frosted Cranberry Energizer and Cookie Butter Coffees. Tis the season for seasonal drinks at McDonald's. Walmart Plus. Yep. Sam's Club Plus membership now comes with Walmart Plus. At no extra cost. Visit samsclub.com. Come join us. Sam's Club. Annual plan only. Auto renews. T&C apply. Estimate based on average combined Walmart Plus and Sam's Club Plus savings among members of both for one plus year versus non-member or club member pricing slash fees. Yeah, I want to soft. I would never talk to my boyfriend like I just talked, by the way. Oh, you think that. Like. Oh, you don't. I'm very respectful. Like, I think that's really important in a relationship. Is that there's just, you know, I've never thought I'd be someone that was like, you respect your man. But like, I really now more than ever, just like so respect him. And so I've I would never talk in that tone because I think my parents talked in that tone a lot. Sorry if you're listening, parents, but you did. Who else gets that tone from you? D-listers? No, just like my friends. Friends. Like I say, D-listers. My friends, for sure. Like and, you know, new people I meet other like other comics. I would say young comics that I'm kind of just like trying to rattle. I would say maybe I have that kind of. Oh, they must be shitting their pants when they meet you. And that's something you went from the young comic, not that you're not. I was going to say, when did this happen? To like the person who now they're shitting in their pants when they meet you. Oh, God. The other night there was a girl that was in the green room at the comedy store. Just like, I just want to say, like, being in your like aura, like, I just feel like I'm funnier. And I was like, I haven't said anything. I'm in my phone. I'm scrolling. Like, there's nothing. No, but she's. I'm at your work. It was really, really sweet. Like, it was it was so nice. I last special was awesome. I did. You wrote to me. Thank you so much. I wish there was a better memory for specials. I remember you at the end with you. Oh, yeah. But I mean, so many bits I loved. And also, I mean, you know, it had a kind of a build that was very, you know, I feel like you took it to the next level. Thank you. Thank you. I really. I learned a lot watching you, especially just so many, so many just great points made so perfectly comedically, but like also being intellectual about it, trying to say something, you know, you want to have those like kind of messages that change the way people look at things. But you also want to be funny. It's just it's it's hard to balance both of those. No, I mean, you're kind of like this discussion we're having here, your honesty about especially this. I think that's the subject that is most most sensitive of any, because when you think about it, you know, the person who you let in as a lover now is potentially just by that act of letting them in and loving you and loving them just by that. They are now your worst potential enemy potential because they have things on you and ways to hurt you that no one else does. Yes. So. So if it doesn't work. Yeah. Or if it works partly by this mingled into the relationship, that's what Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf is about. The Taylor Burton movie, you know, the one. Yes. It's a famous movie they did in the 60s when they were when they were married. Elizabeth Taylor was, you know, the Angelina Jolie of her day. I mean, nobody was bigger. And Richard Burton was her like her fifth husband or something. I mean, she was like she the paparazzi were kind of invented for her. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I mean, she was the original that. So she and Burton, they met on Cleopatra. She left her husband on them at the time on the movie she's making. And it was the most expensive movie in the world at the time, like a million dollars. And she was having like the chili from Chasen's flown in from Beverly Hills to Cairo. I mean, it was, you know, it was really it was all. Yeah. And, you know, they made this movie. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Black and white. I think she got the Oscar for it. And it's just a couple who. They are just always. Saying the worst things to each other, but it's also what keeps them together. Oh, yeah. It's an amazing study. You'd like that. I definitely should watch that. Yeah, they were. And, you know, he's a professor. And so he's not really doing well and doesn't really turn her on. And she flirts with other guys in front of them and belittles him for his achievements. And then, you know, he's just takes it. And what? That just sounds awful. Too close. Yeah. I mean, I could have been in something like that. But, yeah, we go to couples therapy now. And that has been the most helpful thing. I never thought he I mean, he never would go to therapy on his own. I was in your show. And then we did it on my reality show, just like as a bit for the show. You know, you got to go do shit on the show when you're someone who doesn't do stuff. Wait. I'm sorry. show are you saying what i think you're saying that it was invented for the sake of the show for us to go but we still see that same therapist from the show that we went to as like a bit for the show you know three years later we still go to her and we go every week whether we're doing well or not because we used to just go in for checkups and now we go in just consistently and it's just like and what what is what is the ref do in this situation i'm literally just she goes how are you guys doing this week and then we will not have said any of this shit to ourselves because no matter how much we're like let's get ahead of it and just like next time let's not let it pile up it will have piled up because it's hard to say things in the moment when your feelings get hurt and the person's busy and you don't want to bring it up so we we get a list of things that we go in with and then we just air them out and it gets like to the point where it gets a little bit it can get a little ugly not ugly in terms of being mean but like whoa whoa wait you think that like both of us being like how could you ever think that i would say and no matter what we always leave like so in love with each other even if it's not resolved because we've just said the truth and we both somehow are able to see each other's sides of things like i just have really worked at being like think how he feels in this moment like he's not trying to be mad at you for no reason like you actually hurt him he's hurt validate that like whether or not he has reason to be hurt in your mind he's hurt and so try to understand what that would feel like and that's really helped me to just like really stop and and actually try to have empathy not just sympathy like literally what would it feel like to be dating nikki glazer and have her say that whatever it is i'm like oh yeah that would be shitty i can see we can both empathize with each other and um and you know i just it's it's it's the best i recommend it to everyone i would have never thought it would be so helpful but it is it's really it saved us how does it then uh affect the sex life like when you come out of those sessions is it do you want to like tear each other's clothes yeah kind of you do yeah we're kind of like oh you're so cute like you got someone like i'm very horny for like him being emotional and him being vulnerable and and so i'm usually kind of like horny for him but then it's always at like 1 p.m on a wednesday we have to like jump into meetings so by the time it's like nighttime it's faded do you think there'll ever be a time when you won't need a third person to hold his dick to make this happen no i think we will always need a little like i always will need a trainer like i'm never going to work out on my own and do the things i need to do even though i could i know what to do but i'm never going to do it i need someone to tell me what to do like for me to be in the best shape of my life i need to go to classes and i need a trainer i won't do it on my own so i just feel like yeah i think i'll always will always have this chick as our third um and uh yeah it's just but who's to say that will last forever like i think that's the other thing that made me feel so much more comfortable in this is like it doesn't have to be forever like it's just for now but but do you have like being an alcoholic just for today maybe this is a crazy idea okay but just to go in the complete opposite direction and say you know what maybe we're overthinking the whole thing and we're you know just just sort of institutionalizing normal goings on in life weekly checkups like it's a week it happened let's go i'll figure no because shit piles up and resentful pile up and if you don't air them out they will pile up over a year and then one little thing will set off this thing and then he'll he'll start you know like i will be mad at him about one thing he did that he doesn't even know he did then i'll kind of move this right and then he'll sense me moving that way and then he'll move this way and then i sense that and then i move that way and there's no there's no way to get back together unless one of us breaks the dam and i guess but you can't do that at home in the bathroom you can't be like you know honey you've been kind of distant the last couple of days did i do something like you can't just do that without yes and we do do that but i think having a third person just makes it feel safe for both you get a ruling we get someone who like you can't say crazy shit when a person is what like but she takes sides no but she she she will be like nikki you sound like you like the last week she was just like nikki you kind of just shut down and just said sorry and it doesn't feel like you just felt like you were just and i go well of course i'm just gonna say yeah sorry i won't do that again because you heard him he never reads over a mission wrong so if he never reads this like she kind of had my back in this moment she saw a moment that he might not have seen and made me kind of stand up for myself it's just we both uh do you ever get mad and argue the call like you know like like earl weaver back in the 70s go out there and kick dirt i can't believe you said that he was right about that and then you get thrown out of the session so no but we sometimes we fight so much and she's like guys guys it's screaming over us but i i generally i i'm not trying to sound like pat myself on the back here i i go so that he feels represented because i want him to have someone on his team because he's new to talking about his feelings he's new to like exploring the reasons why he might be doing these things i've been doing this shit since i was 18 years old like in therapy picking apart why i act the way i act i have i'm more versed in it so i like that she's there for him so like take someone like me who does none of this do you think she's there for him i don't think she's there for him i don't think i'm probably fucked up because i haven't looked under no i don't you just think it's a different some people do it this way and some people do it yeah i just think i mean i think it would help if you were in a relationship that was like having the same issues over and over there's no question it would help it can only help it wouldn't hurt and so i think that it's just yeah it's just a different way of doing things but if i would absolutely recommend it to anyone i don't think it's like meditation like it's not gonna be horrible if you don't do it but it really will add a lot and you won't know until you do it i mean at least that's what i've heard about meditation i don't do it yeah i used to i was on sam harris's app like addicted to it for a while yeah and i got away and then i i just haven't gone back it's so good when i was doing it things were good that's a good question because i you just get scared of it you get scared of sitting in silence you get scared of oh you know i don't have the time for it's like any excuse of like all the things that make you scared you get scared of it you get scared of it you get scared of it being alone with your thoughts if you're someone who's like running depressed and anxious but but the whole point of it maybe is to not have thoughts correct bill no okay here's the thing about meditation that i know and i think sam would back me up on this is that you are having thoughts it's the ability to see those thoughts and go oh it's a thought and just kind of let it go past right so you're having thoughts the whole damn time um and sometimes you're don't yeah it's the whole time well there's ways look here's how i i again i'm not the best at this but i can especially if i need to go to sleep i can do this like first i imagine first i i remind myself of what the brain is which is yes thoughts are always incoming incoming incoming and they can be random and they can be like about the song you heard in the morning and then it can be about what i have to do with the show tomorrow and then it can be about this person they're just incoming yeah i picture myself i picture myself like in a room and they're all incoming and i'm just like okay i push them like okay i'm just i'm not you guys i'm not killing you or hurting you i'm just pushing you back so healthy so just to know where i am and then i i i you know you do have a that boring thing your mantra you're not supposed to say but it's just something so if you have a song stuck in your head no you're not saying you're just saying the same word over and over again that's boring you're not supposed to and then you know if you close your eyes you don't see blackness what you see is like patches of light and it looks to me like the universe and i imagine oh it's a complete recapitulation of the universe it's just a little patch of light against the complete blackness but that's probably a you know a fucking galaxy form yes and so like all this boring shit that's like and and now if i if there's a day that's going on where there really is something troubling i am definitely not good enough to keep that thought right now i mean but in a normal day i can because it is just and what i try to tell myself at the beginning is whatever these thoughts in that are coming in just remind yourself from the beginning um you probably won't be thinking about them at all in a week yes maybe not tomorrow yeah definitely not in a year or yeah so you know they're i've been having this thing lately where i've and i've suffered with it forever but just instant regret of why didn't i it's usually with work things like oh my god it could have been so much funnier if i would have told bill that story or said that clip oh my god there's a line i had that was perfect that would have been so perfect it would have been clipped and it would have gotten a million views and i'll beat myself up about it and i just lately and i can spiral on those lately i've just been like you have to put that podcast away it happened and there's you don't get to open it again it's i mean you don't get to i just came from taping real time um that's every friday night is i could have said or i should have said and what do you do with that exactly what you're talking about you have to it's tough you know if you're a perfectionist and you want the show you know i always want the show to be as perfect as it can be i mean like i'm okay so yeah you're like oh damn and i feel almost like personally bad to the audience like oh i could have given you this they don't even know better and they don't know it and people go they love it and i would have loved it even more exactly you really want to be there for them yes you want to be their hero so it's like i feel like Like, was I denied? Yeah, absolutely. The audience loved the show. You could just tell. Yeah. And it was a great show. Al Franken was there. Lots of funny stuff. A lot of funny stuff to talk about. So much this week. Yeah. But, yeah, you're going to have those moments, or not just in our professional life. I have it in my personal life. I'm at a party, and I leave. Oh, I should have. Yeah. And the French have an expression for this. It's called l'expression d'escalier, escalier, stairway. Yes. And it means literally the thought you have on the stairway. Oh, God. As you're leaving. And then you pause. The apartment, like, oh, I should have. Oh, I'll get like a feeling through my body that kind of just like radiates like a pain. Like, Chris will sometimes in bed, I'll just go, oh, and he'll go, what? I go, I just should have said this thing that I didn't. And there was a great joke that I just left there. You just got to tell yourself, nobody wins 11 to nothing. If you win it all in life. 11 to five. I know. You know, and so you got to leave it on the table. I know, I can't either. And there's nothing you can do. Like, just let it go. Because if there's something you can do right now, like, do it. But like, you know, there's been times that. Well, once in a while, you can say it next week. Exactly. And that's what I've learned is like, just store it away from the next time or just tell it anecdotally. I could have said this thing and then it's funny. Look, sometimes they're gone because it was of the moment. Yes. And there's no way to get it back. But, you know. Look, I've never been the type of comic who deliberately writes. You know, that's like some comics, that was their thing. Maybe you do it that way. No, I do not. I don't either. I never have. Right. There's no record of my work anywhere. Really? You don't write it down? I write it in my phone. Like, I jot a note in my phone, but I don't write like a sentence. Okay. Wait, what do you do? You write. Yeah, you have notes. I just, yes, I've always tried to be vigilant about when I, you know, we are. I'm just fucking around and thinking of, and just getting high, really. And something funny comes up. Yeah, write it down. Just write it down, a little cocktail napkin. That's all. I have reams of cocktail napkins. Do you put it in your phone? Are you a phone guy? No, no, no, no. Old school. Old school, okay. Computer. You know, put it in the computer. Okay. You know. But at a party, you'll just, you just find, like if you sit. I'm not going to do it. I mean, there was a time in my life when I was always doing. Oh, yeah. We know that guy. When I was three. I had two, not just one, but two little mini tape recorders. Remember the ones with the. Yeah, yeah. In each of my jacket pockets, because I would, if I was doing an hour. Oh, yeah. Oh, it would run out. So I'd have to find, somehow on stage, turn one off and turn the other one on. Oh, my God. I tried to do it surreptitiously, too. Like, you know, just. But, yeah. Well, I was obsessive about, like, listening back to every set. That's so good. Everyone should be, and they'd be great. Those days ended a long time ago, but I don't need to do it anymore. But, yeah, you don't, because, so when you come up with something on stage now, what happens? Are, are you recording it? Do you go back and listen? No, it's, I go over the set immediately when I get off stage, and I usually remember if there is something. And then I get a transcript and see it. Okay, I'll do that. I usually just tell the audience, hey, will you guys just DM me the words lobster ravioli? I'll know what it means. Like, I'll, I'll literally tell them, because I go, I won't remember that otherwise, but it's, and then. Well, I mean, some bits, I, I just, lots of bits. Just, I would need one word. Because. Yeah. There's no, like, bad way I can say it. Yes. There, there are other ones that it really depends on, like, almost the most precise order of the words and stuff. And if you say it wrong, it just is not going to have the same effect. Those, you kind of have to. You have to script out. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I, I, I do that eventually when I'm doing. When I'm doing a special, because then I bring in people to, like, actually help produce it, and there's, like, where's the, where's the script? And I go, I don't have one. And they go, we need one. And then you start typing out and go, oh, this is a mess unless I have it exactly worded the right way. The way I edit comedy, mine and the writers', is just, like, trying to be aware of, like, with comedy, you can't go from A to C or D. Like, you're feeding them a certain amount of information. Sometimes they need very little to get started. Johnny Depp got divorced. Yes, okay, that's all we need, we don't need to explain a lot, but you can't go from that to whatever, you have to, you have to feed them this, okay, now I've got this, and then I have this grasp on this, and now I can hear the punchline, but sometimes that's all out of order and. No, I think the biggest mistake that I see for myself or other comics when a bit doesn't work is not that the audience didn't think it was funny, they just lost the thread. They don't know what you're talking about. You lost them. Right, you have to. You know what you're talking about, 'cause you've told us a thousand times, they need more details to get to where you're at. Or they are, sometimes more, but also, what sometimes fucks up a joke is too many words. Too much. Too much. Yes. They don't need that much. Yeah. You know? And that sucks, 'cause your act goes from 30 minutes to 12, when you cut out all the fat, that's happened to me. I just remember being told by, like, a, you know, a veteran comedian early on, just tell the joke. Right. Tell the joke, and I was like, I don't know what that means, but it was just 'cause I was talking too much in the setup, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The quickest amount, like, people that just go up and ram, I, your first joke should always be the smallest, to me. I'm so scared about getting that-- The very first joke? Yeah, the first joke, I wanna laugh as soon as possible. Yeah, so what do you do, what do you use? I mean, I used to use, like, I just turned 35 in June of 2017, you know, like, something like that, that just kicks you, like, you're aging. Age is never gonna be something that you can't go then talk about what's going on, you know, some kind of very quick thing. Yeah, I, when I, I remember as a starting out comic, I hated it, because unlike now, where you're a known quantity, you don't have that awkwardness at the beginning, like, who the fuck are you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. You know, it's just, it's just a rotten feeling, a bunch of people looking at you at a comedy club, they just went to see comedy. Yes. Who the fuck are you, and you're right, you wanna, I, my opening line, in, like, the late '80s, I think, was, like, I'm from the East, and then I would say, like, Japan, or something, it wasn't that funny. No, that, no, that is funny. And then, I said it funny, I think, and then it'd be, like, the Osaka area, you know, I would- I'm from back East. Yeah, I'm from back East, Japan, or something like that. That's so good, I can't wait to bring that back. And then I would go right to, into, I think, my, my impression of an- New York City cop at the Crucifixion, that was my second joke. Show's over. Walmart Plus. Visit samsclub.com. Come join us. Sam's Club. Annual plan only, auto renews, T&C apply. When you shop Kroger Delivery, you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door. Our refrigerated trucks keep your items fresh while our associates are committed to getting every detail right. Carefully selecting and packing your order with care. Because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. And right now, enjoy $20 off your first online order of $75 or more. Restrictions apply. See site for details. Kroger, fresh for everyone. Oh my God, that's so fun. Yeah. And that gets them right away. I mean, those two are like, it's a bad-- But it took me like years to get just-- Years. You know, like, I don't know, two or three years before like I even figured that out. Yes. Like, just do something right away that don't-- Right away that makes them trust you. Yeah, don't fumpher. They don't, because they have no trust in you when you first walk up there. The second that they like, you can feel them relax when it's-- Comedy is just about making, because everyone in the audience is like, I can't believe they're just talking. Like, I'm so nervous for them. I would never want to do this. Right. So you just-- You have to remember everyone's feeling that tension for you no matter how good you are. I mean, maybe at our level, they're not. They know we're going to do a good job, but I think even then, the audience-- Whenever I go see people, I project onto the performer and go, is she nervous? What's she thinking? And like, the second you can just let them know like, I've got this, I'm in control, they relax. I mean, I think some people have that feeling. I think you're giving a lot of people a lot more credit than me. Yeah, maybe I just like-- I think a lot of people are, first of all, like in a comedy club setting. Yeah, you're right. Some of them are rooting for that because it's interesting. Yeah, that's a good point. And other people are just like-- I mean, they're-- I don't know. I went to the comedy store recently and/or the improv. I drop in on each of them sometimes now. Do you do a set? No. You're just going to watch? It's so much fun. It is, but-- It's funny. Comics are funny. Why don't you do a set? Oh, please. Why are you never doing sets around town? I don't know. Why-- Because you don't need it. I don't need it. But isn't it fun? -To kill? -At a comedy club? -Yes, Bill. -No. it is i promise you you need to be doing spots sometimes this was late there was like 40 people in the audience yeah i don't need to no i don't need to go to gold's gym to work yeah yeah okay so you just drop in on shows and just sit i don't drop in like anyone else i go up to the door you get a ticket i don't get a ticket they let me in okay yeah and then you just go you sit and you watch yeah oh my god for like an hour i love that like i'll be out to dinner with some people and i'll be like i don't want to go home yeah and then we're not going to go to a movie or you know sadly not a bar anymore and yeah you know we're not going bowling and i mean why sadly not a bar because i drink no i don't really drink i think i'll have a drink now okay but um mostly i don't and i certainly wouldn't drink after dinner yeah okay i mean i never did that that would that's you're really a drunk if you do that because you mean with dinner is when you drink no well no no and when i was a real drinker yeah i would drink before dinner because you want to drink on an empty stomach because it works it works so much better so much better so to me like as soon as you had the food your night was over because it kills your buzz so many times i'd be out to dinner with people and like i'd have a drink before dinner probably a second one and then the food would come everybody's eating and i don't want to lose my buzz yeah and like the like the meal is over for everybody and i'd be like i don't want to lose my buzz and the waiter comes over and says was there something wrong sir i'd be like no no nothing's wrong i'm just a slow eater and then i would either wolf it down or take it to go but it was deliberate so you wouldn't lose your buzz totally deliberate were you out are you did you have a problem no that sounds like someone has a problem if they're like trying like i don't think you have a problem i'm not accusing you i know you don't have a problem i've been around and you're too successful well now i have three drinks a week so i my problem is i can't drink i can't drink i can't drink i can't drink because i'm too old to you know when you're 68 years old you just you're on a short leash you can't that's the only reason and i never had a problem a problem is like i can't stop it affects my work i had a problem like any normal person like i drank too much because i could get away with it had a great time also made me like a douchebag sometimes yeah but i was at 35 i was no i i i get what you're saying i i i wish i could i i stopped drinking 12 years ago and um i would love to be someone that just has one or two and i think i could but not but i just can't i just don't want to test it like i just i'd rather not even try um because it's just too risky there's too much to lose it's so funny because i feel like i know your parents now and i know your upbringing i know your house and i know that life you know i mean middle class great nice people kind of mid-american white girl life i'm like why all these issues it's like don't know it's so annoying and it's so i think it's connected to your talent you know people who are very talented who have that thing no it's sometimes connected to a little bit of madness yeah you know you hitler i'm just saying there are people like they were a genius at some things like he was with commanding a crowd right like trump i'm not saying trump's hitler no you're not no hitler actually fought the russians but yeah you gotta be a little yes it's there's there's a constant uh discussion about the connection between madness and genius charlie chaplin who of course is almost a doppelganger for hitler you know they were born the same year oh whoa they became phenomenons well charlie earlier but i mean i mean like like a level of mass uh adoration that very few people have ever witnessed we're seeing one now in taylor swift but chaplin was maybe the first show person who had that kind of like oh wow oh yeah like when he went to london after i mean when he was at that level the same the the headline i think in the london times was just chaplin you know he was just in town it was just and he was what was it what was his uh crazy 12 year old girl for one charlie chaplin i didn't know that oh yeah oh god he oh yes i mean of course this was in an era when nobody oh that was did anything about it yeah oh he he married them i mean they you know i think there was a couple of suicides i can't believe i didn't know that he isn't i don't think he's been publicly canceled for that yet charlie chaplin yeah um well in that way the way that everyone's gone he was canceled in a way that everyone's gone he was canceled in his lifetime like way before canceling was a thing he is he was an expatriate he moved to switzerland because he was so unpopular here he was a because of the young girl thing or just because of uh no yeah they didn't care about that didn't blink an eye no no but his politics okay way too far left oh he was either a communist or he flirted with it um i can't i don't want to misquote yeah um but he was definitely on that i mean he was socialism plus at least and so i feel like yeah they hollywood and of course the world went from silent films in which the genius yeah genius was to talkies oh and he never it's like the advent of social media where some people are just like i can't i don't know what to do with this either me yeah well you're doing fine you're all over social media for someone who's not on it you're everywhere on it really you get clipped a ton oh yeah i mean your show and your podcast do a really good job on there shout out um they do they do they really do for for you not really being involved in that like you seem very much but also i must say i don't see you doing dances we need to get you doing that i just don't maybe i'm missing it but i when i see other podcasts i just don't see people getting quite as down and dirty yeah no i feel like there is something about club random i don't i can't put my some of it's me some of it's the people i like yeah yes you know and we feel like it's just and there's nobody else in the room yeah that's good too we're just we're alone in here it's just you just and we don't have mics like in our faces that's what it makes you kind of forget that there's cameras are kind of hidden i forget yeah i i've a couple times during this as well it's it's nice i because i just yeah that's why i've always liked you it's just i've always felt since we became friends with you and i've always felt like you're a great person and i've always felt i can just be myself around i mean i was very nervous to meet you at first and like i don't know anything about politics how am i gonna hang out with him it's just like oh he just likes people who are honest yes and then and that's that's what i like too but wait what's your crazy what's your crazy what makes you want to what's why are you what like if everyone who's like drawn to comedy and you know oh what's what's yours um that's a great question i i don't know um i'm pretty sane i think you know i have my quirks but um cautious you know i feel like sane people are in general cautious yeah sometimes that can bleed over into paranoia but a little bit of paranoia is not a bad thing especially in the world where everybody's trying to get everybody yeah so excuse me for worrying about you know no the press is my friend i forgot uh-huh no nobody's your friend no one is well i mean so we are but like i'm talking about like people if they can use your hide to advance themselves they they will but you know i don't so i anyway i just think i'm a cautious person but you don't have like depression i don't like i don't do stupid things like people are always like how did you get so rich i'm like never got married no divorces no alimony no stupid hobbies i don't collect cars and motorcycles and jewelry and art and none of that would give me any pleasure yeah so it was all baby money you know it was a yeah and i spend it on what i just i don't need to live that's what i'm i've been doing comfort i'm working on a bit about it but like i for i spend my money on taylor swift concerts like that's been my thing i've been to 18 and 15 months does she know this she probably does because i talk about it a lot but um i i just travel and go see her any chance i have because it's my the most fun thing imaginable to me and um and it's like you i can't really talk about it that much because people are just like oh must be nice you can afford that and it's like i can because i don't have kid like right this is cost is way cheaper than having a kid when i'm doing thousands of dollars on this and yet it's just like why don't people who have kids ever get comments like well must be nice to have kids you're flaunting your privilege it's like well it's just it's so strange to me that um i used to do a bit in my old act i guess the women thought it was sexist but it was like yeah the the parents who like have twins in the school play you know you can get off work what if i have twins in the hot tub that's so good that's so fun it's uh yeah i mean not having kids is just turning out to pay off so well every day that i - And yeah, I get it. But I just, I'm really grateful that I just did something else that distracted me from it. But what a good opportunity for me to hear from someone this much of an authority on a subject I don't understand. Yeah, please. I'm not putting Taylor Swift down at all. I think she's a great celebrity in that she's so big and yet doesn't do anything super crazy. She's gone out with a bunch of guys, like not more than other chicks have over a course of 10 or 12 years. Exactly, yes. You know, is she a little like, I always need to have a girlfriend, a boyfriend? Yeah, but most chicks are that way. A lot of chicks are like, I know a lot of girls. Most people are that way, yes. Yes, people don't like to be alone. Yeah. And then she writes songs. Okay, I just don't, again, not to put down, I just have no clue why she's at the level. Like if I was, did not know anything about it. And again, I'm not that familiar with the music. But why the world decided. They don't agree on anything, but we've agreed that she is the greatest singer, songwriter, whoever came down the pike. It doesn't strike me this way. Is there something else going on? You need to listen. Honestly, like I think that. It's the lyrics? It's the lyrics. It's the musicality. It's the melodies. Like it's just, I'm a fan of music. I like good music. I was raised on good music. I was raised to, you know. I will do it. My dad's, the way I am about to. What album should I start with? I honestly think, because you should probably start. Start with Folklore. Folklore. I think Folklore. I think that's when a lot of, I want to say men got on board and said, wow, this is a legitimate artist. What year is that? This is our first COVID album. She put out two albums during COVID. Oh. And they're indie albums. They're like stripped down. She worked with a guy from The National, the band that is very well loved. And she won, you know, album of the year for it. And it's, it's, she's, it's really that. She's just a great musician. And, you know. For me, she kind of looks like me. She's kind of around the same age. Right. Kind of has the same kind of voice. Kind of like, I like things that are like me. And that's probably why I initially was like, what's going on with her? And it just so happens she is one of the greatest artists that will ever live. Well. You know. And she just possibly saved our democracy. I mean, that's the crazy thing. Amazing power, yeah. Amazing power. Yeah, we were talking about it on the show tonight. Absolutely. Unreal. It's, and I was a fan for a really long time before it really caught me. It caught on like it did. And it's very validating to now be like, I'm not so crazy. But I am. I really, it's not normal. I mean, you can probably list on one hand and still have one to give somebody the finger, the number of people who got to that level. And again, Chaplin, I would say, is one of them. Maybe Frank Sinatra. Michael Jackson. Elvis, the Beatles. Elvis, the Beatles. The Beatles. You know, had real cultural impact. And yeah, I mean, it's, so okay. Yeah, it really, it's the music though. It's, you know, I want to say like, oh, she really speaks to the woman in me and speaks about breakups and love and emotions. And it's, and it's all of that. But it's really, I mean, there's just no question. She's just a brilliant musical artist and just knows how to write a hit. Wow. And just, it's. Well. Yeah. I like Sparks Fly. It's a great song. Yeah. Is there more like that? Yeah. Okay. You're a fearless girly. Okay. You. What does that mean? Fearless. Fearless is her first album. It's her second album. If I wind up with one of those fucking bracelets, I'm going to fucking beat you over the head with it. You, you, I will be sending you a bracelet because I really think, I think fearless and. Come on, not the bracelet. Fearless and Speak Now are going to be your albums. But not the bracelet. You're, you, it would look so cute on you. It really would. It would be such a nice touch. I didn't make you believe that. Because I'm begging you. I'm totally sending you one. There's no chance I'm not. Oh no, come on. Come on, don't do it to me. But thank you for being open to it. That's all I ask. I'm totally open to the music and I should have listened to it before now. I don't know. Whenever something came on the radio, like Shake It Off. If you like. I mean, I, there's a song I do have heard. Yeah. And that's a song that made me go, what the fuck is this phenomenon? Well, she wrote that song. Okay. But, but like, I don't, I. That, that's, listen, it's okay to not like Shake It Off. Okay. I'm not saying I don't like Shake It Off, but it's okay to not like Shake It Off. It's not, it's just one of many different kinds of songs she has. And she's, she's capable of a lot more than that. But that was. Okay. That was a moment. Yeah. But you're going to, you're going to get into it. Have you ever, do you like going to concerts? You know, that's another thing that I'm going to put under that list of activities. I thought it was. You know, it's like, I've been to concerts and I do have loved them. But it's a lot of mishigas getting in and getting out. It is. And, you know. And the encore. Yeah. And lines for the bathroom. Yes. It's just, it's just, it's a lot. It's a lot. And getting out of the parking lot and. I know. You know, should we beat the crowd? But no, you want to hear the best. You know, it's, it's a lot of people, some drinking. It's a. Yeah. I don't think I, you know. I mean that like, they filmed the Billy Joel concert that he's been doing. Oh yeah. Forever at Madison Square Garden. One of my all time favorite artists. There's no, there's a genius. Yeah. Writer. Oh yeah. Have you been to Madison Square Garden? No, because I saw the thing on TV. Because you saw it. It was not made for an Emmy against me. And you know, did I feel it in my bones the way I would have if I was, but no. Kind of. Sometimes. But it's. It's good enough. It's still, it's, it was good enough. It's good enough. It's like, yeah. That's why I tell people about the Eris tour because you know she's been doing. I didn't have to smell his sweat, you know. Just. I, I, I take your wordy sweat. Watch, watch the Eris movie. I will. If you have Disney Plus. Just watch that. That'll give you like, that'll take you through her whole catalog. She's gorgeous. Made for me. It's really nice to watch. Put it on the background. Somebody who needs to be brought up to speed on the whole thing. Watch, watch. Eris. It's like, it's three hours long, but just put it on. Sure. And, and, and work your way through it and, and you'll have a good time. Great. That's what I'll do. But I'm, yeah, I'm. So it's like the best of each era. Yeah. That's what she does. She, and each era is an album. So it's like, you know, 10 or 11 albums at this point and she just goes through each one and it's, and it's awesome. Well, I'm sure. I'm sure you will meet her someday. I don't want to. And we have a little surprise, Nikki. Backstage. Oh, can you imagine? She's been crouching there the whole time. Tell her. I honestly got a little nervous. Yes. She knows you're a fan and she wants to personally give you a. Oh no. I am, I am so happy to be a fan. Like, I want to stay, like, I don't even, people are like, when are you going to be friends? Of course I'll be friends with her if she wants to, but I'm not forcing it. And I love being a fan. No, I did do some jokes about, you know, my boyfriend's. A football player. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which. I've seen them. Do you think that. I've scrolled past it. Oh, really? I'm not going to like those. No, no, no. That made you mad? No, no, of course not. Okay, okay. You're always so. I do, I do, it hasn't started yet as we're talking about this, but by the time this airs, it will have happened. I do, for Thursday Night Football, for Amazon, I do their after show. I do like a speed roast of the football game. Oh, wow. That I write during the football game and then do a little like, kind of. Wait, where is this? Where am I going to see this? On Amazon. Yeah, the Thursday. Prime, Thursday Night Football, like on their after show. I just watched it. Yeah, yeah. So. Did you do it Thursday night? No, I'm starting this next Thursday. Oh, good, I didn't miss it. Yeah. Oh, perfect. Yeah, it'll be like a three minute roast of the game. And I don't know anything about, I mean, I'm learning about football. It's like, honestly, I'm trying really hard, but it's, it's, it's a really complex game. But it's fun. And I'm, I'm looking to get obsessed because I, you know, Taylor Swift's not going to be on tour forever. And I need like a new thing to become like obsessed with going to, because I really like going to like. Like stadium. So the 18th time, not over it in any. Not over it at all. You get to dress up like her. You get to like dance and sing all night. I'm not thinking about any of my problems. I feel young. Who do you go with? I bring like friends. I bring my, my mom's been to like eight shows with me. I bring my, I brought my parents to, we went to Dublin, we went to Zurich and we went to Amsterdam three times. Like I just followed her around the summer and I bring out friends. I just fly out friends that I think like. I'd like to fly out you. I'd be like, you, you can be convinced. Come with me. And then would you go? If I have to give in on the bracelet. You have to wear a bracelet. But yeah, I bring people who are kind of on the fence and I go, just come with me. Okay. No, I'll watch it. Okay. Yes. Yes. I mean, look, if I wouldn't leave the house for Billy Joel. I can't afford another ticket to be honest with you, Bill. So that was a false invite. How much are the tickets? I mean, they're crazy. I'm, I'm going to try to go front row in Miami and I think it's like maybe going to be 10 grand for one ticket. Right. But you know, that's. You can get front row. You know, they're resellers that are just, they're marked up on StubHub, but it's, I'll wait till the day of and see what happens. But yeah, I've, I've, I've spent a lot. I think I've, the most I've spent is like $7,500 a ticket for my mom and I to be front row one time. It was so fun. And I never get tired of it. And people go, is the show, what does she do differently each time? So you already were in the front row? Yeah. And did she acknowledge you? It, there's so many people in the front row. It's a big stage. No, no, no. And I wouldn't expect it. You didn't think you saw a little something in the eye? Like, oh, hey. I don't even want her to like, look at me. I just feel like it'd be too distracting. No. Oh my God. That's what they used to say about Jesus and the old religion movies. They would, he would, there would just be a glow and the camera couldn't even show it because he was Jesus. Oh, wow. And then the people would just look down. I almost feel that way. That's really disturbing. - You know what's disturbing about that? Like, if she said, "Vote for Trump," then he'd win. Oh, that's not good. I know, but she didn't. No. So I'm okay with it. I'm okay with her power, as long as she's on the right side of things. I think I said this tonight on our show. Trump, that's a cult, but so is this. It is a cult. And, you know, maybe a cult leader can be, you know, good for good and not evil. I think she generally is. That's why I say I have no reason to put her down or desire to. And I always have the greatest respect for a success. But if you're at a level of success that's enormous, that always has my attention, my respect. Yeah. I could look at it and go, well, you know, that's because people don't have great taste. I could. You could, yes. I certainly have said that about other things that were massive. That are massively popular. Not everything that's massive means it's great. No, I agree. I agree. And a lot of times it's not. You know. Most of the time it's a bad sign if it's massively popular. Don't get me started on writers. It's embellishment. Hot pockets. I don't know. You know. Many things that our friends have appeared in. Yeah. And things, cultural things that people think are great milestones that I don't. Yes. But I do respect. And I do respect what she has achieved. And, yeah, you're right. This, you know, elections that we have now are so close. Razor sharp. I mean, Trump won the first one. He pulled it inside straight. And basically with, I mean, 70,000 votes or something. Was it across three states? Something so small. I mean, she registered like 400,000 people. I mean, right there could be the difference. I mean, that's a number. Well, that's how many people went to the link. Did that many people register from the link? Possibly. That's what I read, but I don't know. That makes me sad. Like, how is this the reason that you do it? And I'm glad it's the reason. Right. Whatever gets you to do it. But really? So do you get like a, is there a fan club, a newsletter? No, like the Beatles used to put out a special Christmas album just for the fans. Not an album. One song. They would sing some chanty or something. Oh, yeah. And do you have something like this with Taylor Swift? She does stuff for, she's constantly doing stuff for us. Like, she sees us. That's another thing that's like. But there's no formal club? Oh, there's no formal club that she's created. But there's formal, there's clubs which we have created as fans ourselves. And what if I wanted to join the club? You would absolutely be, yeah. No, only if it was a formal club. I'm not just fucking around. I want the Christmas record. She's not giving us any, no, she gives everyone equal stuff. I don't think there's any club where you get like special releases or something. Do you want my prediction about the love affair? Yeah, I have one too, but I'm not going to share it. But yeah. I think, I've said this, Harvey Levin and I have a gentleman's bet about it. He's going to dump her. It's just what guys like that do. They get the fuck stink on them of like a celebrity woman. And then they're a made man for the rest of their life. And that's what's going to happen. It's like, you know, Pete Davidson, as soon as he got with Ariana Grande, he was a made man for the rest of his life. And I feel like this is what's going to happen. What if I ruin your night? Quite possibly. I think Travis is different. I think he's different. I've met him. He's very nice. He's a nice guy. Oh, he's a charmer. He is a charmer. He's very talented. I just don't think you let, I think Taylor Swift doesn't, you just don't let something like that go. He knows what he has. Spoken like a true cultist. Truly. You don't get better than that. Well, of course, you don't know what goes on. I mean, you only know her from afar. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, no one knows what goes on in a relationship or what people are like. I mean, why do you think? He's stuck if he's the one. And all the other, I mean, there was the actor guy, the English actor guy, the other English actor guy. And wasn't the guy from 1975, didn't he have a cup of coffee with her? Yeah, but this guy is a, Travis is lucid. And of like, he's. Lucid? Like he's. The others weren't? Kind of, I would argue. The English actor dudes, they look very lucid. No, okay, I can't speculate, but I think that, I don't know. I can't say anything. I can't. And it's not a cult. But I swear, something horrible will happen to me if I speak ill of our leader. I mean, the rules are the same as Scientology, but it's not a cult. It is. It's so delicate that I'm like, I can't even talk. Because it's like. I know what it's like to be treated. You know. Well, to be treated like a suppressive person. You don't want to be a suppressive person. I get it. Oh, I get it. Oh, you do? Let's move on. No, I don't want to put you. No, it is. I mean, you seem genuinely. It's honestly, is that if you're a Swifty, like you can't, you can't have anything bad to say. And I honestly, I'm checking myself and I'm like, I honestly don't have anything bad to say, but I definitely can't even like have a conversation around bad things. That is how much. Yeah, because I was talking about the boyfriend, not, I mean, John Mayer and who, all the guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would. I mean. You know. Like those didn't work out because she didn't want them to. That's what I would say. You know what? You got to kiss a lot of frogs. And I mean, like I said before, just like any other girl of that age, she's had a bunch of boyfriends. Who hasn't? Who hasn't? Especially if you're an attractive girl like her. Yeah. And. She makes her own money. And the kind of guys that are like coming at you. She could pay for dinner. And everyone knows you're single. Like, of course, she's going to jump into something new. The second she gets single, it's on headlines. People are DMing. Right. She's DMing her, reaching out to her. You find someone new right away. Right. Most girls, they're single and they have to wait around on Bumble for weeks. Like, how do you even tell? Like, everyone knows. And it's famous hot dudes who are so talented, who you may have had a crush on even before you were with that guy, who you may have watched their movies as a kid growing up. Right. But like, it'd be so easy to just jump from guy to guy in Hollywood. Of course. I'm looking to. But I got to be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life because he loves me. For me, it's bullshit. Do you know who I could be dating right now? Oh, my God. I could, I could really, I could do well. Who? I mean, I don't know. You could. But I could do, I could do well. By the way, take this for what it means. You look the best I've ever seen you look. Now, maybe you, I always have this thing I say about the Oscars. Yeah. Like, it's the most attractive people. Very often the actresses are the most attractive, the Margot Robbie's of the world. Yes. And they're tens. And somehow on Oscar night, they find a way to turn it up to 11. Yeah. They find their way. I don't know whether it's a colonic or like the things. Whatever it is. And you look like you turned it up to 11. I did. Yeah, you just. I had a lot of treatments this week. I saw the right back there. Okay. I saw the right guy. I found out who to go to. I got the secrets. You could definitely be a half of a power couple. I could. And you know what? That's how you become famous. It's it. It's most of it. I have to like fucking work hard now when I could just go and date. I could have done that. Yeah. 25, 20 years ago, there were and I was like, no, you know what? I'm not going to. And I knew it would help me a lot, but I'm not going to do this to this woman because a week later, I'll be with some other woman out in a restaurant and then she'll be humiliated. I'm just not going to. Right. It's just not going to end well. Yes. And so I never did. Oh, that's noble. Yeah. Well, it was also self-preservation and it would come back and, you know, who wants an A-list woman mad at you? No, you're so right. Okay. So, and I knew I couldn't live up to it. So, but yes, like there are, this town is full of guys who want exactly what you're selling. Famous, still hot, perfect cougar age. They love, this town is full of pretty boys who want someone 10 years older. And who would introduce me, me as an older woman to a whole new audience. Oh. And it would. I would be the. Yes. It would be. It would be amazing. Yeah. I got to call Chris. Poor Chris. Chris wants, is to be supportive of my career. He needs to step aside. I mean, I love him. So I feel like it was a terrible thing to say. No, I. But it is true. Let's do it. Let's act it out just as a fantasy because I think you could be with, let's see, who's available? Jake Gyllenhaal. I think he's in something. I don't think I could get him, to be honest with you. Yeah. I'm too, like. Yeah, that's, yeah. He's not big. You're right. A foul-mouth comedian. I'm not going to get an A-lister. Like, I might get a young A-lister, but not an old. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know either. I really don't even, I just know that I could have some fun and be photographed with some people, but I don't know if I, anything would last or anything, but that is a big part of it. I mean. I remember Chris Evans. Oh, yeah. Got with Jenny Slate. Yes. Oh, that was so big for female comics that day. The bag broke. We were like, we can do it. He likes, he likes us for our personality? A guy like that? No, I mean, she's stunning, but I mean, like, it was still, like, so. So, if that happens. Yeah. Okay. I think we have to think of that as the model. Yes. So, if that happened, I don't, no, he just, he's a newlywed, so he's, he's not on the market. No, he's not. But who's in the, oh, you know. I think, I think I know who you're thinking. Okay, I know. Listen, I've thought about it, too. I don't know what they, they must have spiked my drink or something. No, it's awesome. So, I can't think of anything. his name but no we don't need to say his name i know we both know exactly i i'll show you a picture and you just say yes or wait hold on where's my phone i can tell you what he was in well yeah he was in uh it was not really good but he's a charming guy he it was the the lady from euphoria okay wait wait wait maybe we're not thinking the same person no who's the blonde uh sydney sweeney he did a okay yeah that guy yeah the yeah that guy yes would put you into the structure and he's he's a smart guy he's not he also wrote a movie with somebody that was good about a hitman or something not that that's original but they had an interesting take on it we liked it yeah and he's just uh no that's like the perfect kind of person that i'm like huh could i and probably not but it's it would no a lot of because a lot of times you know what and don't take this the wrong way and of course when someone i can't wait for this holy shit i can't even wait oh what what's this gonna be whatever a comic says the words don't don't take this wrong it's about to be the most offensive thing i've ever heard it's really not okay no i i trust you but you look great but a lot of times those kind of pretty boys they don't want the prettiest girl no and that's why i'm perfect it is i'm not i'm not a margot roth i'm nowhere close to it so let's get like they want yeah i think it would actually be the right thing yeah i'm a little off who have we been working with on the road lately you see comics more i don't see i don't i don't work with anyone on the road i mean i bring up my friends to open for me right um but like who are the up-and-coming comics i should be keeping well my for my friend just got um my friend who i brought out and who i feel like i partially discovered he was like uh the guy who picked me up i was doing the comedy attic in in bloomington indiana the comedy attic yeah in bloomington great club in bloomington indiana years and years and years ago probably eight years ago and 10 years ago and he picked me he was the he was the door guy that they sent to go pick you up at the airport and he instantly was my friend on the car right hour and a half from indy um i'm just i love this kid i gave him a guest set that weekend i'm like you do comedy i don't even need to see it you're great let's do a guest set he became my opener on the road for many years up until even recently and he just got cast on snl ah emil joaquin yeah so that was really exciting he's this young 26 i think um and he's a cast member by the way the comedy attic i have to say of all the comedy names i've used for comedy clubs like the comedy barrel you know uncle chuckle that was a pretty good one wait rooster t feathers is one of my favorites go bananas i think i worked at go banana oh yeah cincinnati yeah um oh man i was in atlanta last weekend at the lovely fox theater i believe it's there and uh played it many times and for some reason i was driving in i just was like flooded with memories of the first time i played atlanta oh yeah what club it was 1982 it was uh what was it i don't know but it was run by three italian guys and when i say italian i'm not saying yeah uh that there were any connections to but who knows uh you know but it was 1982 and they were from cleveland that's where they had i think they had the comedy club in cleveland but cleveland is cold and yeah they were probably turf wars and they were like let's find paradise in atlanta in the south where the women are easy and it's warm and they opened this club and it was like the when the comedy was just first versioning like right right and so like the audiences were so good you know they were just they were like they had been starved for laughter you think they'd never laughed in their life that's so fascinating yeah they would you would never go somewhere just to laugh like it was oh they just and they were you know i remember doing it right before i did first tonight show and thinking oh my god i am the greatest comic who ever got on a stage you know you just and they were just it just because they were you know it was a new thing and i think we did three shows on the weekend nights oh yeah oh yeah 7 39 30 and 11 oh my god brutal where you don't even remember what jokes you've done on the other shows so you start almost repeating yourself that's a nightmare that a nightmare i have such a fear of that i only did it once my whole life i i do two shows nights sometimes so traumatic and i go and i'll be in the middle of the joke and i go did i already say this and they're like no i'm like oh i'm too old to be doing two shows in a night you just quit and then you don't do jokes that you think you did and if you do two shows you have to stick to a script i know and i don't have a script right i'm always just really willy nilly that's all that's how i do it wow and so yeah i i that's what i'll see you're a real artist oh you just get up there and wing i would i do it's lazy i mean it goes back to the same bits right that you've done oh yeah yeah but it's it's i'm not it's not off the top of my head no that would be hell i'm not that kind of comic but um yeah it's all stuff that i've thought of before but it's just like i just pull from it as i go and just kind and again that's like it's kind of like i was just talking about getting face stuff done like i like the risk in it like i don't i don't have a fucking safety net i don't have a set list written down like what am i gonna do like and if i get too comfortable i'll have a little weed before i go on stage because i go then it's gonna be really hard to do it and i'm like i don't have to figure out what i'm gonna do next because i'm like hi and like i like a little i like the adrenaline of like what's gonna happen i could die that's why i like that's why i kill on roast that's why i kill on like live like i you know doing you know uh couches on late night shows like stuff where you have to have like a script memorized you gotta nail it and it's live and everything can go wrong i really thrive in those settings well i mean that's when i when i first you know this story but you know i saw you do whatever was the ones you used to do yeah yeah bruce willis or whatever and i just said okay i mean i've always been pretty good at spotting a talent and and i was like yeah and then tawaii and but i mean even before that i mean i you can just tell who's got it oh that's really but it is the more i hear you talk about it is i do think the two things are connected the genius and the madness because yeah you know anybody who wants to live that much on the tightrope um that's you know you're going to be a little you got to be a little crazy i i don't do well with like and uh safety but i think i think uh the uh what's his name you know uh yeah definitely because i think he yeah because those pretty boys they it's almost like the the usual the conventional male female dynamic is very often reversed because for them it was easy always right most guys like it's the greatest sunum bonum in life is that you can get a girl who you want to have sex with what did you just say the greatest good what was it what did you say oh sorry no i want to learn a new word i like it's latin it's sunum bonum means the greatest sunum bonum yeah all right i like it i would have been listening to this podcast and been like what is that word and looked it up and added it to my word a day calendar i love learning new words sorry jordan peterson was here i'm still talking no i like it i i yearn to talk that way the greatest yeah yeah and that was always like if you're if you're not that that pretty boy type or like a rock star or something you know you just never have had that automatic you know a faucet turned on and but just it's just flowing out of it you're just like every time you get any girl to like you you're you're thinking this could be the last time yeah yeah yeah this could be the last time do you feel that way you still have that but i did when i was that when i was young yeah of course absolutely i said i very often got with someone who was like i don't know i don't know i don't know and who i shouldn't have been with because i was like i've had this i remember no other girl might ever like me i mean that's really where yeah how painful it is to be that young and dumb so so i need to take advantage of that is what you're saying okay all right i think i'll get out there i think yeah so like something a little challenging okay i have something new to bring up a couple's therapy this week different is the different guys like strange for a guy like that strange is not you know margot robbie he you know he's known that okay he you know but you know and also like wait aren't you friends with my boyfriend love him love him i'm just this new story well it wouldn't last open things up first of all it wouldn't last for more than a year and then it shouldn't have me back it would just give you the publicity for that year it would put you in the stratosphere it would be a saturn five rocket okay yes and you just sit on your board with each other it would it was to be so hot so hot when you got back together oh my god but um but yeah and of course this wouldn't last more than a year but it's fine but it'd be a great year and uh i think he'd have a great time i think it's yeah he should go goes and it would be very very hot while you're in it it would yeah i'm telling you okay i'll consider it i truly i like how it's just up to me to make it for this to happen i'll think about dating glenn powell oh that's him because i don't i know people are listening going well who are they talking about that's him uh well there was this actress named ellen bergen oh yeah she was i thought she was hot but she wasn't like the classic she got like hot in her 60s okay um you're okay it's so funny exactly no she did i mean okay what were you gonna say i thought that's what you were gonna say sorry what were you gonna say well she i mean i think you're a lot cuter than her and she was i thought she was cute and but she didn't certainly did not have that that classic look and she was the hot one everybody you know yeah yeah she was and before that there was a woman uh when i was a kid karen black you she kind of was cross-eyed but she was sexy okay i'll work on that like i'm telling you from personal experience in life the the absolute prettiest ones are not always the ones where the is the greatest sexual attraction okay and stuff like you know so like it doesn't make it hotter like a a vapid model who looks the best it can be like death in bed oh oh yeah i'm sure of it right not that i'm anything to no i think we all look at you i'm i'm pretty fun i think we all look at you and think really you're fine yeah i do that makes me so happy yeah you have a lot of masturbating fans i'm sure you do okay that's nice i'm not like that like i'm not anyone i never i don't really like to be on top because it just doesn't feel that good for me i will for the person but like i'm kind of a layback but i'm very i talk a lot guys like that yeah they like them the domination yes i i like that like i don't really i'm not and that's the problem is that a lot of times men are attracted to what they see on stage with me of like ball buster roaster i'm like in bed i am the literal opposite and see that's even better because it's like she's a ball buster she's a ball buster she's a ball buster and then when i get my dick in her she obeys yes exactly okay well there's nothing hotter there's nothing hotter than that people magazine most beautiful person of the year they're calling right now glenn powell is on speed dial as we where's my phone all right well i'm gonna let you get out to your parties to uh because he's probably at one of these parties tonight right from your mouth i bet and uh you can tell him what we talked about and then i'm sure it'll 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