Nick Kroll

This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. If you go to helixsleep.com, you take their sleep quiz. It takes like a minute. Are you a back sleeper? Are you a back or side sleeper? Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. Because I used to be a side sleeper all my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced to sleep on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress. Also, I've told you about this. Are you putting a pillow under your legs? No. I'm telling you, Dad. Put pillows under your legs. It puts pressure off your lower back. I love Helix mattresses. They will mail the mattress to you. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. We got one here and in the guest room. We got one here and the guest room. People are loving their Helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get a 120-day money-back guarantee. Go to helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. 20% site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash TISO. helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. You know what I mean. What's the site? Do it. Helix Sleep. Helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off the site. You want anything? Blue bottle, cold brew, bright and bold. I'm feeling bold. I also want to replenish some of this stuff. I'm going to order some drinks. Man, that sound crisp, you know? Here, a nice can open. I'm going to get some Mountain Valley Waters and I also think I'm going to get some chips and salsa. I don't even want chips and salsa now, but having chips and salsa in the house, that's dried fruit, chips and salsa, some frozen protein, like some steak or chicken breast or something, just so like you don't have to eat this now. But if you're ever at home and you're like, man, I could really go for some chicken and salsa and chips and mango. Oh, shit. I ordered that already. And Nick is here. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I love you. You're my best friend. Come on. Good boy stays. I'll be right back. That's me right away. Hello. So here's the deal. The Taiso audience. My boy Nick Kroll has a slight allergy to doggies. Now he's like, sometimes it's fun to be allergic to dogs. And I don't know. He's a character actor. I mean, I believe him. I just, you know, so I offered to put Alvin upstairs. We're going to play it by paw. Come here. Hey, Nick, for comedy. Can we show you peeing? What's that? Nothing. I don't know well enough. I'd blur his cock. I'd blur his cock. How long does this go? I try to. It's hard to say. I just want to say it's fun. Sometimes you get lost and you're like, fuck, it's been two hours and I'm supposed to go to something. So just someone keep an eye on how long we've been doing it for. I tend to, my energy, once I feel like, oh, I know it's hit exactly two hours. Yeah. And then I usually get some blueberries and either keep going or kick them out. Yeah. I think probably. Blueberries. Get some blueberries. Let's go to 90 and see where we are. And then. Maybe we celebrate with blueberries if we've done one. Yeah. If it feels like. I just ordered a whole bunch of stuff. I ordered some waters, some chips, some salsa. I have chicken in the freezer. Oh, do you have some frozen chicken? Buddy, welcome to the valley. Okay. Can you. The valley ain't so bad. Do you want a thought? No. You know what? Let's just do the whole podcast from over there. Let's just do it there. That's the whole thing. I'm going to put this stuff here. Great. Love it. To be in your own home. Yeah. Yeah. We don't. Yeah. Yeah. I know. We don't get to this, but it's good for me to know. So this is the dog. Hey. I don't. I love. I do like dogs, but I am allergic to dogs. So we're bringing them upstairs or what? Dude. I think. I think we should have them around. What? It's up to you. Go on the couch. Here we go. Thank you. Here are the frozen chicken. Okay. All right. All right. Here we go. Okay. All right. All right. Here we go. Thank you. Here are the frozen chickens. Can I feed one of these to your dog? Because I have a chocolate. I have a chocolate bar for him. No, buddy. Yeah. This dog is. It's going to. This dog is going to drive me crazy. This fucking dog is going to drive me crazy. Are you going to bring him up? No. That's what I want. I mean, I'm taking it at face value here. What's your dog's name? Alvin. Alvin. You want to see my chipmunks? He's a big fan of The Kroll Show. I bet. I bet. Oh. This is a cute dog. I know. This is a cute dog. This is a cute dog. I know. I'll just have a. You'll just watch me slowly turn red and itchy. We could do like a. Like we could pretend like we're filming an episode and you could be my guest Hitch. Oh. Do you know I've. Never seen it? Not really. Oh. Whoa. I think I have seen that. I've seen the allergic reaction. Who. It doesn't happen to Will Smith, right? Got to turn it. Tune in. Yeah. It happens to. It's Will Smith. Yeah. It's Will Smith. Yeah. It's Will Smith. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Smith. It's Hitch. But does he have the allergic reaction or it happens to someone else? He has the allergic reaction, which is funny because the love interest of the guy from Grown Ups who sneeze, farts, and burps at the same time is her name is Allegra Cole. And I think of Allegra as allergies. You don't need that. I don't. But I do use Allegra. Here we go. Here we are. Here we are. Even closer. It's so close. I can't tell whether the dynamic is that you're serious. If I'm like, I don't like it that close, that you're like, you're going to accept it, but you're going to be a little miffed by it. I can't hear you. Seventy-five dollars. Denver, Colorado, February 26th through 28th. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Some consider it to be the number one show on TV. The guy from This Is Us. The guy from This Is Us, but now he's tracking people. And I'd also love to talk about 9-1-1, another popular network television show right now. Gulp, gulp, gulp. And who could forget Undateable, now available on DVD. Is it? Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. All right. I think when we come back, we could jump cut any of the tracker stuff. And then just stay on me. Don't forget about the 9-1-1 chunk. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that too. Mark it. I'll look over it. And stay on me for a little bit. Watch this. Keep me still close. So he does want it back. He does want it close. Well, I want you to listen. Of course. And then you decide where it should be. Do you want me to listen? Just so you could see where it should be. Can I put this on your dog? Yeah. I can feel my eyes getting itchy. Buddy, let me move him. No, no, no, no, no. I would never. I would, though. I don't understand. I mean. It's because I'm honestly, the idea is like, is it funny to watch someone have an allergic reaction in real time? But it's not. I mean, like, would it get really big like Hitch? No, no, no, no. It won't get really big like Hitch. Hey, I got a burp start coming. Uh-oh. Is it? Are you talking about Kevin James? King of Queens. Yeah. I just hung out with Kevin James. RuPaul? I just RuPauled with Kevin James? Sorry. See, okay, now I can hear it. This is what this sounds like. Yeah, I understand that it's better closer. All right, cool. No, I was making a King of Queens joke. Maybe that's inappropriate. Oh, okay. Yeah, look who's come back. Hello. So you just hung out with Kevin James. Big hands. I was like, it's like big, meaty hands. Is that mean? No, I don't think so. When you add meaty to big, because big hand sounds like, whoa, he has a big. Sure. Shirt. Shirt. Oh, it's so cute. Can we get it from this angle so people can see what I'm seeing? Straight through, right down the barrel. Here it is, Alvin trying to get as close as possible. You know, I'm curious. Is that the size of your penis? Are you having an allergic reaction? Because that thing, you got some big. Shirts. Is that a long-haired chihuahua in your lap? Or are you just happy to see me? Is that what Alvin is? I'm sorry. I know this is annoying. And people at home, after it's been mixed, I'm sure you don't know. But maybe just under and up. Under and up? That, yes. How's that? Good. Does that sound good? Yes. Great. His mom is a chihuahua, and his dad is Jewish, actually. I've told that joke before. It's a good joke. It's one of the jokes I tell. But it's like one of those jokes that you, you should be able to tell over and over. Because that's what we would do in real life. Like, you know, you tell that joke to people all the time. I can't stop. Do you have any of those? Any bits that, like, you just do a lot, and you're comfortable repeating it? I actually get weirdly uncomfortable with it. And I get uncomfortable with when my comedy, you ever have friends who you're, like, backstage, and they do a bit? And you're like, that's so funny. And then they get on stage, and they do the bit. And then you feel slightly cheated by them. But, yes, and I think there's a different caliber of jokes. I think there's jokes where it's like, wait, are you doing a bit on me? Or is this something you have? And then there's, like, part of your developed shtick that you're able to do. You know, like, you do voices. I'm sure there's voices that are funny just because they're voices. You'll keep doing it. Yes, but I weirdly have curtailed entertaining people in my real life. I don't want to seem like one of those people that's, like, always on doing shtick, like, with the voices. But I've, like, limited. I'm, like, not nearly as much fun as I could be. So we don't really know each other. I want to get into so many sillinesses with you. But hearing you say that offers a curiosity to me that it's quite a serious conversation. You don't have to go too long with this. But this idea of you not wanting to seem that you're always on, to me, feels like something that you've learned about yourself, that you don't like how people receive you. Is that fair? No, I tend to like how people receive me. Then why do you want to. Why less? Because I think I. Because I think I like that I can turn it on and off. Because I found that people with me, but also my, like, civilian friends' impressions of my other comedian friends, they would be like, your friend is kind of impossible to have a real conversation with. That's what I'm talking about. Yes, yes. How other people receive you. Yes, but I have been modulating that for a long time. I think when I was like a kid, I was like trying to be funny all the time. And then once I got to be a comedian, then I was like, oh, I can turn this down. Well, you've been a comedian for most of your life at this point, though. Yes, I'm, let's see, I'm 63 now. You look horrible. I thought I looked pretty. How old are you really? I'm 47. I thought I was going to go the other way. Really? You thought I was going to say, like, I'm 71. Let me turn it off. You look great. I can't turn off. I do get, when I get nervous, I do that. And people are like, are you serious? Wait, you do what? Like get so sarcastic and dry that people are not. You get dry when you're nervous? Am I fucking girls that are attracted to me, but they're just nervous? Yes. I'm just joking. I don't think so. I think the girls you fuck are bone dry. No, ask anybody. Believe me, especially if I'm fucking them on a Helix mattress. Right? Sponsor? Who knows? The most absorbent of all of the mattresses. Helix. Wait, hold on. I want to go back to. No, no, no. Let me finish this Helix promo. Helixsleep.com slash Tyso. Tyso? Yeah. Is that a Tyso? Oh, take your shoes off. I never thought about that. Does it seem like I'm nervous now? Kind of. Interesting. It's just, you know, it's the same thing. I feel when I'm most present with being. With dry comedy, it's because I'm so present. Yes. And not, like, not nervous. Yes. It's not. Nervous is the wrong word. I, uh. Yes. It's like. Do it. It's like, uh. It's like a desire. Well, to me, like, being dry and funny is like the hot. Is like my desire to impress. You know? Because you think that's maybe where you're. My value lies. More than the voices and Bobby Bottle service and stuff? I mean, who's to say? Yeah, I think that that is like, you know, the parlor tricks. Yeah. I mean, you have a dog, for example, to endure yourself to others, right? I don't have a dog. So, yes, I have the voices. But ultimately. Oh, this dog is real sweetie. Your eyes are bleeding. What's that? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. All right. I'm just on a new. I'm on new drops. How do you know if they're going to be working if you're putting your. If you're troubleshooting so inefficiently with, like, animals? Well, because I can tell by the viscosity of the blood. You are smart. Yeah. You're really smart. Yeah. I never knew you were so dry. Yeah. Do you. Do you ever feel like you want to be silly for healthy reasons or not, but choose not to for reasons outside yourself? No, if I ever want to be silly. And I'm like, all of this. It's in recent. Like, in the last few years, like, being, like, doing these things, I'm like, oh, it's so fun. These things are fun. They're not. Podcasts. Like, doing this kind of thing is like, oh, this is fun. Like, the older I get, I have, like, a family and kids now. Like, I. Like, my moment to moment, I get to have, like, less fun because of responsibilities of my family or my professional work stuff. So, like, doing this, being in a room with a guy with a plaque from YouTube, like, that's fun. It's pretty cool, right? Should have five of those by now. What does it say? I'm not wearing my glasses because I don't want to look too much like you. What does it say? 100,000 subscribers. Oh, congratulations, man. It was a while ago. They don't give you another one until a million. And then they don't give you another one until 10 million. But that's how they keep you. Get you. That's how you get more and more. Yeah. What do you got? 123,000 followers now? Yeah. Double it. 146,000? A little less. nick kroll okay so i'm a big fan of chelsea peretti and you're the reason sure and um i've become friends with her now yeah that makes sense thanks and uh i don't i know chelsea forever um what was her character's name farley that was on bobby bobby bottle services farley such a funny fucking character and let's swish and swoop to that right and then we swish back that was just kevin james farting burping and throwing up thrilled to see that again we have the rights to that that's fine um uh but yes chelsea so funny and that doing that bit like that's kind of what i like i had when i had kroll show it was like me and my friends who i thought were the funniest chelsea who i've known forever and like built that character for her because we knew we'd have fun doing that and then we would just like set up you know whatever scenario for us to be like on a date and it was so fun it was just them like two true like allowing us to both be like true maniacs my favorite sketch shows and i'm not saying these are the greatest is you know we're all from the generations that we're we're we're from um but as an adult uh i guess not like post stella days because that was my favorite um was as you and uh key and peel sure and she's at the heart of both of those in a way and she's in the and in the heart of both of those isn't that what i said at the heart of i said it wrong then in the heart of both of those she's in the heart of both yes it's um and it was and i think they they were together i don't know when they but yeah i mean it's so funny i couldn't watch key and peel when it was on because it was like because i was making my show then i don't were they on at the same time yes we were like they were they were like uh they got picked up we got picked up on the same day and then they started making theirs and i was like doing something else and so we were like one after the other but basically on the same but i kind of couldn't watch it when it was when i was making my i couldn't like watch another is it a jealousy thing or is it a fear of it like influencing you away from yeah kind of whenever i'm making something i don't love to see the other stuff like it and i don't know if that's smarter that might be a flaw i i connect with that i because i'll sometimes see somebody do something that like is that similar to mine and it makes me not want to do my thing anymore right so like you don't watch like jay shetty's podcast at all no um i had a hard time watching fred armisen for a while because uh and i've said this on my podcast before and i'm not comparing myself to him or my abilities to his abilities but the way his mind works and the way he executes that i'm projecting is a very similar process to mine oh interesting i see him do certain things and make certain choices that i would make uh-huh and i'm like i don't there's only you know there's only so many things that i would make and i'm like i don't there's only you know there's only so many things that we could possibly do anyway but i there's some people i see i'm like it makes me not want to do my thing interesting yeah that's the only reason i don't watch but i i get it no i get that and i like when we were making big mouth i like couldn't watch like bojack for example because i just was like like only love and respect for that orky and peel like you know but i just was like i can't watch other adult animation while i'm making it i just but i'm like oh i probably it actually would be helpful at times but uh anyway i think your dog's dead no no he's just comfortable have we met more than i remember two times of us meeting and i don't know if you remember them but i remember every single moment i've ever had with you name them we met once in person i remember seeing you at the improv oh i don't remember that one uh-huh what do you remember i remember uh having a show with you years ago in the belly room uh-huh the comedy store uh-huh and i was like oh i don't remember that one uh-huh i remember having a show with you years ago in the belly room um and i don't we maybe we met i don't know but we didn't like talk with each other and then i don't remember ever meeting you again and i didn't think you knew who i was and i'm still not convinced now i am but i saw you at a clippers game this year or last year yeah yeah yeah and and i remember i saw you and i'm and i'm like i didn't say this out loud but had my thoughts been out loud i've been like oh that's nick kroll uh-huh and i walked by um to get us something to eat it was it was in one of those cool guy lounges not a big deal it was not it was the ticket was from lamorne it wasn't i don't it was gifted to me you probably bought it yourself um but i saw you there i buy lamorne's tickets oh thank you for the tickets um and uh you said uh hey rick i was like our names are so close oh maybe somebody was just saying hello to you yes and i just said my own name back but i said it wrong so i said hey rick um those what do you know about this though is that a personal check the most personal wow so this is from here we will we'll uh we'll show this zoom in on that we'll we'll uh censor the the check numbers uh-huh and the we blur buddy okay we're a blurring machine over here so this is uh a dollar 50 is that what i get for doing the podcast no that's not a check to you that's a check from you why did i send you a check and how are you sending checks to a lot of people what's the year but i forgot this right this is this is 2015 what's the day fuck exactly may 26th exactly 30 years ago tomorrow did i send this to you 10 years ago yeah yeah i have um i kind of i collect instead of autographs collect i collect autographs on checks from people i mean i did for like a few years that's so funny and those are i don't even remember what i have i just i just i have that adam adam divine whoa um bleep that one bleep that one love that those are girls i dated jonathan dewalt it's a bit uh no just if i've gotten checks from people and it's like if i felt like oh people if anybody asks for these people's autograph and i have them on a check i just save them all right well brent moran i've did a lot of checks for people and i've gotten checks from people and i've gotten checks didn't know you could do this that you could cross out he wrote it wrong can i read it he wrote it he wrote originally 1100 and then realized you can't write 1100 right now so he crossed that i wrote 1115 you probably can't write 1100 though i don't know but i get it i would never there's like it feels like there are rules to checks where you're like no you can't write 1100 i don't think you i think you have to like write out the number i don't know if i agree with that kristin bell somebody wants this check um did you get them why do people i guess allison jones big time casting director big one right there no big deal rick glassman huh okay from brandon cornier okay oh it says abs is that to get better abs okay lamorne okay lamorne you've gotten a a check from yeah that's awesome a lot of autographs a lot of autographs and let's not forget nick kroll dollar 50 right there was a bit right so we had we had some there was a movie that you were uh there was no bit i mean other than wanting your this yeah there was a movie that um that you had that uh i don't remember what it was what was it maybe adult adult beginners adult beginners uh-huh and i was gonna rent it to watch uh-huh but to buy it it was three dollars more sure and i tweeted you i said hey um oh right i could rent it to watch but to buy it it was three dollars more and i said you could buy this yes but will you split the difference with me uh and you said yes and i said um we i'll only do it if you send me a check and you personally sign it yeah um and you said okay is that really your signature did you look or was it really not your signature it's not i mean it's not my because i'm not signing my checks that's what i always thought that because everybody else's i know they work because they handed me the cells would you sign it yeah sign this check now i have my signature and then i have my autograph what what they're two different signatures autograph okay yeah give me your autograph yeah that's fun uh because my i never believed that was you no no no no no no no this is um this is my business manager uh mickey rourke so that's mickey rourke signature the from the wrestler or is it the same name are you serious that's awesome yeah well don't cross his off i'm not gonna sign next to it yeah yeah yeah when people do sign they like to have the first letters be big because they think that's artsy i make my r really small and the rest big right that makes sense uh i feel weirdly like my autograph signature is sort of trumpian if i'm being completely honest you know what dude why is that a problem it's not but didn't you just say you're concerned well i have i'm like huh that's interesting you know like trump is it's like it's like that vibe yeah so is so is a healthy heartbeat is that guy getting laid outside of your apartment or is he fucking outside of your apartment or is he taking a shit are you let me answer your question with a long story do you watch entourage yeah oh yeah okay ari gold you know the actor oh yeah do you know the movie that he's in called pcu oh yeah do you know that a pcu everyone gets laid oh yeah tonight 10 p.m at the pit, everyone gets lit. hey buddy hey edits um edits you guys don't know this at home but rick is live editing this show um some might say breaking the flow of what we have going here sorry sometimes flow makes me have shit all over my desk did i break the flow that that's part of that's operational cost, man. I'm just psyched that you're here. Well, but I, but what I would say is that that was show, don't tell. Like now we're in it to, we had that experience together just now versus you cutting away to telling your editor to go to the Kevin James clip and then coming back. But you're actually telling it. I was showing it. I was, we edit out those directions. Of course, to the audience. But to me, I'm dealing with this. Dealing with? Yeah. You're dealing with. You know what? I think would benefit you watching a little Key and Peele. See how it's done. By the way, I am now watching it and it's terrific. What a great show. It's like a black version of your show because you guys are white. That is true. Right? I mean, theoretically, I am white. Yes. Do you as a Jew consider yourself white? Yeah. You don't consider yourself white because you're Jewish? I didn't. I was just asking you that question. I consider myself white constantly I mean, I consider myself having white privilege at all times. But I don't know if I consider myself like white. Who's white? Somebody that looks just like you, but not Jewish? Yep. Okay. Like you. Do you think that, where are your ancestors from? Should it be ancestors because it's an S, not a vowel? Yeah, that makes sense. I always think about that. An-cester. An-acester. An-cester, right. Like what? An-honor. Yes. Well, an-honor, I understand with H's sometimes you do it because of something I don't remember. Sure. Yes. I use the one example that didn't prove your point. Do you come from. I come from a small, muddy puddle somewhere between Poland and Russia. Like Yoda. Yes. You have a Yoda thing in your bathroom. That's Grogu. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know. I know it's Grogu. Oh. What else? Sometimes I like to open my sets with what else. Whatever gets the laugh I wanted to. I know. There are those bits where you're like, and it's just because they're not inside of it. But it's like you can't stop yourself from doing it. The jokes, the parts of your act that just never work. Like the lines or the full sets. I just feel like you're now just dolphin-ing me. That's cool. It's nice. That's the game we're currently playing. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. $75 in bonus entries. Thank you. this episode is sponsored by helix sleep you go to helix sleep.com you take their sleep quiz it takes like a minute are you a back sleeper are you a back or side sleeper side same funny you ask. Okay. Cause I used to be a side sleeper all my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt and I forced to sleep on my back and I never could. And I'm doing it now. No. I'm telling you, dad, put pillows under your legs. I love Helix mattress. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. and the guest room. 20% site-wide. What's the site? Do it. "Do you want me to take one with you in it?" I just, I'm waiting, you know? think it's such a funny bit and they always no it's okay you know like they don't need me to do it that's really funny thanks man uh but i also think it's especially funny to me because you it it also is about like taking photos with people does that make sense is that like you like when people take photos with people that's what do you mean i mean it's like oh do you want one with you in it like when you're like someone wants a picture or something like that you know what i mean well yeah that's if like if if i'm walking on the street and i see somebody taking a picture of their friend i will sometimes not ironically ask would you like me to take a picture yeah it's a nice thing to do yeah so like maybe you want to be in this picture yeah yeah it's funny is there yeah the people at home can't hear that but there is something going on there is something going on i thought you were going to say that piven lives next door oh not yet i'm waiting for someone to move out um i've gotten to know him a little bit just because we do shows together but i don't really know him but i've talked about having him on and i really want to have him on as ari gold the whole episode oh he would i'm sure love that would you come on with him and you be um e i would love that who could you play the best um i mean naturally i mean turtle would be the closest to like bobby bottle service like that would be the easiest or the brother or the brother you're a huge fan drama baby i know him as matt dylan do you know matt dylan personally i met matt dylan like many many many years ago one of the first things i ever did was like host some like local like west chester county film viking quest what's that viking quest no oh what what is it oh it was some random like a small movie theater like an art movie theater fundraiser thing and he was there and i was hosting it was like the first like hosting thing i ever did and um and then i saw him at a starbucks and i reintroduced myself to him and he was very nice it's kind of like the way you look up to the dylan brothers is kind of how i look up to you exactly that's cool yeah i'm yes i have something that i know is not worth it but i want to try to explain let's do it um if the dylan brothers looked up to me the way that i look up to you the way you look up to them that triangle i'm it was represented in a 3d model in my head have you seen those optical illusions where it goes like this but there's really no beginning like a staircase like an mc escher i don't know things swipe to uh an mc escher so it's it is literally swipe to it i don't know if that's what i'm talking about where it's like what the staircase is folding in upon itself we could just put it up here yes exactly so yes in in that modeling it's like who's influenced who who's a fan of who between the dylan brothers nick roll and rick glassman it's like a staircase folding in on itself let's see that is the podcast we're all waiting for if we if i could get one of the dylan brothers and you yeah to podcast with me who would you want it to be matt or kevin um it's tough to say like let's move on okay i could i genuinely care less you care less i could is it this is and this is one of these fun things to explore is that i could i could not care less i could i could care less if if if there's nothing that you care about less than that meaning this is what you care about the least yeah which is the meanest version of it that's where you say i could care any less okay there's nothing faster than the speed of light unless we're getting into strength theory and quantum mechanics of the correlations of divergent engines between the concepts of the x-factors but that's not what i'm talking about it's not and it's not definitely not what i'm talking about yes i feel like there's an easier way of understanding this don't even put it in just have to go like this um yeah if i could care less that means that you might actually care a lot yeah technically yeah so i care a lot about this podcast with you dylan brothers did you start with stand-up or did you start with sketch improv stuff i did all of it at the same time kind of i moved to new york and started doing ucb classes but then was not getting enough like stage time and so i started doing open mics simultaneously and then started doing kind of the character stuff in conjunction with the stand-up and i was doing sketch and was like i found that like improv was like i couldn't get enough stage time like when you're starting did you do you started with ucb i couldn't get enough stage time that's why i got into stand-up also is this recording i know it is but i'm also okay yeah is this your is that where your ocd like is the oven off did i turn the oven off um yeah that's fair he's not he's not against my before i upgraded these cameras i had cameras that would shut off sometimes i could normally hear it but so like every 10 minutes while the guest is talking and i would warn them i would like look at them all sure that's still baked in right it's like it's you're replicating the relationship with your family everybody's shuts down on you no i i you're not good at that you're not i i mean that i could tell even you doing a joke that was so not what it was that i'm actually i actually you're saying no so you didn't take that many ucb classes took four and i took them twice right because you were yeah because you were not you the the that's the thing with and i'm so you don't get it no let's see what else but i would say what else uh hey folks all right what else what else do you even start with a is it immediately what else or is it like so um uh i i open i either open with let's see what else or if i'm gonna do that see what else it has to be after it has to be within the first minute yeah like i could do something what else i also sometimes hold on i also no go ahead no god please please sometimes i'll say um within the first minute um to myself where people in the front here and maybe other people can't how much time do i have left on my phone i've been doing a bit recently that i've then forget to do throughout the set but i really have been enjoying which is like all right we're about to get started like you know just none of it um but i think like so i was doing the improv stuff and there's like that stand-up brain and i do think my brain falls somewhere in between like it's not a full stand-up like brain and it's not a full like full like collaborative improv brain i sort of function in the two so sketch which is sketch but even sketch i got annoyed doing sketch starting off in new york where i was like everybody here's got to pretend that i'm in a fucking chinese restaurant it's like no let me do characters where i can acknowledge that we're in an audience let me do like as opposed to doing a character in a sketch i was like let me do a character straight presentational to you because he's on stage because yeah because we all let's acknowledge that we're all in this physical space together so that if something happens i can talk about it versus like like some drunk is in the third row and i gotta still pretend like i'm in a chinese restaurant like couldn't that drunk in the third row just be somebody who's drunk at another table i was not good enough at the time to figure that part out how many levels of uc how many times did you have to take level one of ucb i took three classes i did not get cast on a herald team and uh and so i started i just kind of was going everywhere always at once and i think that's what that movie's called speaking of a chinese restaurant so let's swipe to that there's no chinese restaurant in that movie i haven't seen it yet but it's i believe it's an asian cast see there are a lot of just cut to the crafty and then cut back to it 30 minutes later and then cut now cut to kevin james yeah and i'll cut to you editing this um i uh when i first moved here i did background work a lot of background work and one of the movies i did background work on was date night in the scene that you were the host of steve carell and tina fey and you could see me in it at the bar really um i don't know how we dude i'll pay extra get to that that um that was like a very big deal for me i don't know how we're gonna do that i don't know how we're gonna do that i don't know how we're gonna do that i don't know how we're gonna do that i don't know how we're gonna do that that you were there doing background work did you even know that are you saying finding this out now no it was a big deal for me on the day to you know there yeah i knew you were there have you seen my work doing background on on who wants to be a millionaire or something wow you got that congrats on that front row someone won a million dollars and my parents had it recorded on their dvr while that was a thing for a while and they would show people me going oh that's so funny that's so great a little scratch i'm okay your dog is pissing all over me go like this yeah push the piss down yeah but then but the eyes are still bleeding um uh i did background work on um uh new york uh i did background work on curb your enthusiasm the episode where larry is on the producers on broadway remember when larry plays max yeah and and uh the the actress is a republican so she doesn't want to he doesn't want to have sex with her yes and um but i i knew none of this because i was just in the audience of the saint james theater while larry's doing you know and he like turns on the audience and i was there that morning i remember being in the audience and then the the background people being like bummed out about the quality of the crafty like the quality of the bagels you know and i was like i and i i left in the middle i just left background it was a knows all of the laws and the rules of crafty and of ours and of smoke bumps yes there was someone there were some people that like smoke bumps they're using smoke we get an we get the extra 15 bucks yeah sure or wardrobe you bring your own wardrobe that's a bump the closest i could feel like what it's like for a woman to not want to speak up even though she is within her right but is it worth losing her job over this thing is asking the ad for um a wardrobe uh bump sure because they'll give you 15 bucks and not bring you back oh that's the way i think sure - Or like, unless you suck his dick or something. - But then if it gets on the clothes, for a space. So you did background work once. No, I did background work on a few things. I did background work on a few commercials, like trying to get my head in my face in frame because I thought I'd get a full rate. You ever do that? You don't get paid more for that. Background in a commercial? Also, pardon me, I'm just making sure that if I didn't miss the delivery. Yeah, no, you don't get more for that. You don't. Pardon the interruption. Go ahead. Do you ever watch Pardon the Interruption? I have seen Pardon the Interruption. I wouldn't say I watch it, if you know what I mean. Let's just say my dad was watching it sometimes and I'd be in the room. What's up, Rick's dad? Boy, things have changed since those early DVR days, huh? Rick's not just in the background of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire anymore. He's got his own podcast. I can't fucking wait for my dad to see this. But that date night was like, I really learned a lot watching. It was like a big deal. It was the Steve Kropp. It was the Carl Tina Fey movie. I'm the asshole maitre d'. I came in with my. Who's the woman with you two? Olivia Munn. Right. Yeah. Which is Hawaiian for Olivia Munn. It's funny. It's funny. Dude, that does not bother me. That sounds condescending, but when people go funny. Yeah, that's funny. I'll tell you another bit, like the thing that I do, is when I see a comedian someplace and whether they performed or didn't or are not performing that night, when I'm leaving, I like to say bye. And then I say, good set. Regardless. Yeah. Because I think that's a really condescending thing when people say, good set. Because they didn't watch you. That's funny. You know? Sure. Oh, good set. It's like, you don't have to do that. But sometimes you like, but then you're like, you'll be like, you'll prove to them, be like, that thing. Remember? Oh, you're saying ask if they. Yeah. But then in your head, you're like calculating, you're like, that was three minutes into the set. You saw the first four minutes and then you left. It's like when somebody tells me that they love an episode of my podcast and I go, I think like, which clip did you see? Right. I mean, that's how I know your show. I'm flattered. I've been trying to get you on for literally years. Yeah. Yeah. I finally saw enough clips. It was the Glenn Howerton. It was, you know, the interaction with Glenn Howerton where you talked about, where you guys talked about getting it done. And then I was like, you know what? So it wasn't even a funny clip. No, it was a gen. It was sort of a genuine but then I really went back. I didn't realize that you had like, I don't really, I had went through my DMs like, and saw that you had DMed me. Sure. So I hadn't really seen that. And then I was like, oh, we did talk about this like, I don't know how many years ago. You and I? I feel like I went back in my text and I was like, oh, we had this text from like, I don't know. I probably messaged you once a year. I don't remember if you even ever responded. I think we had had like an interaction about it a while ago. And then you, and then we like dropped it. And then I saw the Howerton clip and I was like, oh yeah, right. Like, and then I, and then, and then I saw your DM and I was like, oh right, we should, we should do this. I'm glad you can make it. Nobody knows why we were laughing. Nobody even knows there was an edit. What edit? What edit? What edit? Yeah. Woke up your fucking dog. My, the thing is here. Let me just get this real quick. Can we get this guy on camera? Can we take a picture? Can we see if the, can we text the guy and see if he'll, he wants a picture with the food? I'm going to move the dog. I think I'm starting to get uncomfortable with, with I feel, I feel okay, but you can move the dog if you want. I don't care, but I am psyched. Like, is there going to be, he's going to have food. Like I can eat food. I have food here. I just got waters and chips and salsa. Great. I'll just eat chips. Right. We'll have to figure out the editing if that's the case. We don't love, we have a lot of people who are fans of mine who also have mesophonia. Mesophonia? Yeah. Great. Sarah Silliman. You can talk to Sarah Silliman about that. I've asked her to come on. I know her better than I know you. See her every now and then. Can't keep asking. Once a year tops. I haven't asked her in two years. Great. Alvin. Come here, bud. I'll be right back. Hi, doggy. Hi, doggy. Woo, woo, woo. Woo. Alvin's shaking just a little bit. Hot. Alvin must be so nervous every time someone's coming in just to be like, what is about to happen? Who's about to walk in here? What's about to happen? Yeah? Secret. Secret. So, long story short, it's hard to explain. I know this delivery driver a little bit and he's been here before. Is he, I want him, I've come in, I've interviewed him. I've talked to him before. Uh-huh. So, are you comfortable with this? Tell me the truth. If you're not, I'm going to watch. Sure. Okay. Hey, come on. Come on in. I've got to set up, I don't know if this is set up for you. Here. You make him carry that much water? That's like a lot of, that's a lot of water to make him deliver. How's this? Secret? Okay. Secret. You have to come in if you're going to take the $200 or I need the money back. Okay. Okay. Come on, bud. I'm, I need to change my lens. You want to change? Can I be, for me to be more dressed? You want to dress, what do you mean? Be more dressed for this. I'm not, I mean, I'm not dressed for this. I'm not dressed for this. Well, you do what's comfortable for you. If you have clothes, yeah, I'm going to change the lens. Do whatever you want. There's a bathroom right here. I have a tie. Go for it. I'm going to do this. I'm going to change my lens. Isn't that great? I have two. Do you like this one? Mickey Mouse? I like the Mickey Mouse one. Yeah. I think I like the Mickey Mouse one better. I like the Mickey Mouse one the best, but if that's easy, I don't really. Yeah, do the Mickey Mouse one. He clearly wants to do the yellow zipper one. Oh, you can do whatever you want, but if you're asking me what I think, I think the Mickey Mouse. He's really pushing the zipper though, but. Do you ever put Alvin in a tie? Oh, yes. That's really nice. You could go on and I got to get a microphone for you. Is he? He's been here once before. Is this always the vibe? More or less. Hey man, I'm Nick. We haven't met yet. How are you? My name's Cicada. How are you? It's too hot. We got the vest. Is it hot for you? It's cold outside, yes. Yeah. I'll give you $200. I'm not going to give you more than that. I'm sorry. I also added those $15 for the tip. So, I mean, you can come in for a half hour or not, but you said you would and I'm setting this stuff up and I pardon my energy. I just get like this when I'm doing this kind of stuff, but it's frustrating if you're really going to, if you're not going to come in, just come in. It's $215, man. Pardon my energy. I do get like this, like when I'm in producer mode. Mm-hmm. Can I have water? Yes. Are you going to give him one of the waters that he brought? If that's what he wants. Gulp, gulp, gulp. Ugh. It's so fucking hot. Have you done stand-up about that? Sounds. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Please don't. Please don't. Secret, secret, secret. Please don't. Sorry. It's outdoor clothes. Would you mind sitting? I mean, yeah, just sit here, buddy. I just want to make my. You can look in the back. Thank you for your patience. Alvin and I are. kind of staying. We're staying connected. We're. I find Alvin's very grounding for what is. I'm going to be honest with you, slightly. This is slightly ungrounding. Yeah. Not even having him. Is it secret? Secret. Secret. What is the origin of that name? Secret. Could you tap that microphone? How's that? Really good. Thank you. Let me share. I don't remember some country. I don't remember. It's good, I guess. Oh, yeah, I like that a lot. Yeah, you don't need the vest. Can I, a secret, could you sit down for me for a moment? You got the mic behind you. Yes. I'm Nick. Nice to meet you. It's good. Yeah, it's good. He might want you to put the. To have the water. He gave me, I got tap water. I didn't get the. It's a filter. It's what I drink. I'll give you one of those too, though, if you want, Nick. I don't want that, actually. I'm good, thank you. I find these metal, I support the metal cans, but they're very hard to open. They can get caught and stuck, and they, you know, have you found that? It's pretty easy. Yeah, it's easy. Oh, okay. Sometimes I find it hard to close. Uh-huh. You don't have a closer? I mean, that's what we're trying to build, is a set full of closers, right? Are we talking process? Yeah, we can talk process. About a month ago, we made a commercial. So, Secret's brother. What's your brother's name? Don't do that to me. That's fair. It is sort of condescending and dismissive. It's something that we do, we put mustaches on people. Now it's off. You'll see. Totataman? Do I have my face? You don't have anything. Now, do you see the mustache? Yeah. Do you see that my eyes are bleeding? Yeah. Totataman? Totataman? Totataman Space. Anything new? His brother is a political prisoner. Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that. And we had, we did a commercial to try. We had Kristen Bell from "Veronica Mars" and forgetting Sarah Marshall. She did a commercial. ♪ Turns a angel ♪ ♪ Fly away from here ♪ ♪ Fly like the. ♪ ♪ Fly like the. ♪ ♪ Fly like the. ♪ Please save to Temen Space. He's a very good young brother. She's on show for. She's in Nobody Wants Us now. Everybody's. But that's. But I like that your references are from me. That's how I know her. Yeah, sure. Let me make sure. Can I hear you talk into the microphone? Yes. Hello, how are you? Good, thanks. I hear him. Yeah. When people say, how are you? Do you like that? I like that. Hello, how are you? I go, I'm good, thanks. Sometimes people say. Sometimes people ask me, how are you? And I say, good, thanks. How are you? Are you a singer? No, I would. I would thank you for saying that, though. I would love to be a singer. I'm a comedian. Do you sing? No, his girlfriend before, she's singing. Yeah, we sang before. Kristen Bell? Yeah. She's a great singer. Yeah. She can really sing. She can really sing. Yeah. He's not bad either. You don't sing? I'm not. I don't sing nearly as well as Kristen Bell. Do you? Are you a singer? With her? Yes. With her. Yeah, we all sing. We all sing with Kristen Bell. What does that mean? I mean, like, when you're around. It's like when you play basketball with, like, LeBron James, you're going to be better at basketball. Swipe to some ridiculous celebrity basketball game that you played in. So, is any news with your brother? No, it's. No. That must be really hard. Are your parents. Are your parents still with us? With me? No, not with you. I mean, are they still alive? Who are you? I'm Nick Kroll. I'm. Why are you asking this? I'm just trying to get to know you. I'm trying to. I mean, your brother's a political prisoner. That must be incredibly hard on your parents. I'm checking to see if your parents are alive and how they're holding up. You're like police or something? Yeah, I'm like the police. No, I'm Finnish. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm more like Sting's solo. He plays the police on television. I play the police. I'm more like Sting's solo work. Does that make more sense to you? No. Who is that? Sting. He's this. Musical artist that was given this name Sting because when he was in grade school, he would wear this striped shirt, made him look like a bee, and his mom even calls him Sting. Did you know that? I didn't know that. Yeah, he had that nickname since he was a kid. Oh, I. Yeah. I. Are you a big fan of the police? Are you more of a Stuart Copeland guy? Oh, my kind of knowledge of the police kind of starts and ends with the fact that Tupac's changes was taken. No, that's Bruce Hornsby. What am I. What's the police song? That's also a rap song. Under. No, I was going to say Under Pressure, but that's another song. I Ain't Mad at Ya? Isn't that something that was. Oh, maybe. Oh. What is it? Nas' The Message is a sample of. What are you fucking talking about? Can I ask? Is that a knife in your pocket? Are you just happy to see me? If you had these on, you would have loved it. No, I heard it. Did you like it? I did. He uses a knife to check if money's real. Are you tired? Yeah, I am. Hey, Secret, could you bring this closer to you? I am tired. You look very tired. Yeah, I'm always. Right now, I'm basically always a little bit tired, and I'm also maybe having a slight allergic reaction to Alvin. I'm allergic to dogs, but I chose for my art to be close to the dog to maybe reach this point where we could. A lot of word, he say. For the simple question. Sure. You do seem like that type of. You'll do it for the bet, because it literally inspires you. I think that's a big part of your charm. Thank you. Even when you're not doing something for that, I think that is built into you. Yeah. What is that from? Do you know? I mean, I think it's just like. I mean, it's what I enjoy about your podcast. It's like. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's all up for grabs in a fun way. And if you're psyched to have fun. Like, can I ask a question? Can I get. Can we ask her comeback? Kristen Bell? Yes. Yes. So every week, I do a different guest. It's a different person. So Kristen isn't here right now. He's very tired. He's not. Yeah. I mean, I am tired, and I have allergies. So I. And I would honestly prefer Kristen Bell. I would prefer Kristen Bell as well. Do you. Have you seen the movie Hitch? He's scarce. Remember. Will Smith, Kevin James. Ah, yes. Big fat guy. He. But like muscle fat. Not normal. I forget the name of that movie, but yes, I know what you're talking about. He's king. He's king. He's king. His face has been getting like allergic reactions. Yes, your face look like it's blow like here. And then it's like, I'm. I'm tired. I'm slips. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sleepy. That's an insult to women. You're not supposed to tell women that they look tired. Did you know that? Only if they. If you think they're pregnant. I teach you how to. Talk to a woman? How. Wake up. Oh, how do you do it? It's. Duplic. Just give me your hand like this. Uh-huh. And then. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. He's going to slap you and you want to pull your hand away. I am more awake now. Living room. Glass break. Okay. This is a mistake. Or is it? Fucking welcome to the jungle, brother. You want to come in and play on the pod? Put your big boy pants on. This is the shit I like. This is the shit I like, dude. Fucking. You know what? This is the alpha energy. And now I'm awake. And so you win too. We all win. Have you seen any of the TV show. Um. Um. The Kroll Show? Is it a sketch comedy show? Key and Peele? It's black people. Yeah. Like this? Mm-hmm. Do you remember? Do you remember when you saw that five years ago? No. Hey, you know what? There's nothing to do, you know? It's not like I'm five years old waiting up every night asking mom, when's dad coming home? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there. to teach me how to shoot my first hoop. But I learned, didn't I? Got pretty damn good, too, didn't I, Uncle Phil? Yes. Got through my first date without him. I learned how to drive without him. I had 14 birthdays. He never even sent me a car to hell with him. You know what, Uncle Phil? I'm going to get through college without him. I'm going to get me a great job without him. I'm going to marry me a beautiful honey. And I'm going to have me a whole bunch of kids. And I have a better father than he ever could be. There ain't a damn thing he can teach me about how to love not kids. How come he don't want me, man? How come he don't want me? Mr. Rickers. Mr. Rickers. You. I thought you were sad. Real sad. My heart hurt for that. It's black people. A lot of cut-to's in this. I mean, this is 30 Rock. This is how we are. I'm re-watching 30 Rock right now. How is it? It's one of my favorite comedies ever. Do you love it? I do. I love it. It's so funny. It's live action. I'm a family guy. That was my first, one of my first auditions ever. It was in that sort of date night period where it's like, oh, I finally got to audition for things. I auditioned for the. You're an actor? You're an actor? I'm an actor. Ah, yeah, okay. Yeah. Like Charles Bronson. He loves Charles Bronson. Sure, who doesn't? We don't. Do you have a master like Charles Bronson? Oh, I don't. I would love to have Charles Bronson. And I always felt like he looked a little sleepy. Yeah, he's sleep. Yeah, he's such a man. He's so tired. Because you work every day. Yeah, he's working so hard out there killing people. I'm exhausted. Right? That was his catchphrase? I've been killing so many people, I'm exhausted? Yeah. Yeah. See? When he moved out here five years ago, or at least, I don't know, five, six years. When did you move to the States? I first came here in 1999. Oh, when did you move to Los Angeles? And then I left, I come back. Mm-hmm. Well, he wanted to be an actor. Sure. Have you. Are you still pursuing it? Um, well, eh. Pursuit. Pursuit. Is it something you're still wanting to. Like the pursuit of happiness. Yeah. Like something you're following. Let's switch to that. What do you mean? What is that? Medical equipment? What is that? Like an MRI? We don't have any more mandates. You want me to bring this to doctors? Pursuit of happiness is my pursuit, and you pursuit and ruin, you baphomist. You pessimist. You pessimist. You pacifist. 'Cause everything I do, you Christian-ass baphobist. Get him, Rick. Baph the bitch. Slap the bitch. Pour plenty. I. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Got so much stuff that swipe to, and it sucks for audio-only people. But it's gonna be great when you somehow swipe to pursuit of happiness, Will Smith cutting to Kevin James hitch. Bring it all together. I felt like that was already assumed. Mm-hmm. But I'm giving something for the audio listeners at home that are not gonna get to see it or hear it. Are you trying to be an actor? What's one of your favorite movies that you would like to be an actor in? I like "Deerfish." I like. "Dead Fish"? "Death Wish." "Death Wish." Charles Bronson. Charles Bronson. Sure. I like. Um. I like cowboy movies. I like the. Anything that's come out in the past five years. Five, ten years. Twenty years. Uh. I like "Die Hard." "Die Hard"? "Die Hard"? Yeah, that's not really twenty years. Something that's come out since you. Wait, sorry. Do you like "Die Hard"? Or do you like "Die Hard," the Kevin Hart Quibi series that turned into a movie? Right. I remember that. Not that? Do you know Quibi? No, he doesn't know that. He's talking about. But do you know Quibi? Do you use Quibi? Show me picture. No. Yeah. I mean, he's not going to see that. But I get it. And I love it. All vertical. Um. Have you seen "Die Hard: With a Vengeance" with Samuel L. Jackson? I didn't say, "Hey, Zeus." I said, "Hey, Zeus." I see every. I see every one of them. You know what would be fun? Yes? That's why I got lines, and you guys did a scene from "Die Hard: With a Vengeance." Right. Who's who? He's Bruce Willis. Would you rather be Bruce Willis, or would you rather be the guy that plays Scar in "Lion King"? I have a gun for that? Can I put my hand up? Yeah. I think I could probably get closer to the Jeremy Irons voice. I think. I don't want to assume. matter let's do that let's do you say do it mr mclean his friend is fine see yeah yeah i don't sing i but i do the voices yeah it's like singing but with words do it different do another what do you want to you want to hear some of that hey you hear this another one oh we'll go back to that once does this fuck with your mesothelioma what is that is that a character you have or is that just that's a that's a character do you do it yeah that's good um oh do you still uh have your show big mouth yeah no don't all right so that's where you checked out on my stuff you didn't get you didn't catch much big mouth i saw a few episodes of it and really liked it it i mean i didn't watch yeah of course not why because who has time oh that's probably why or you just didn't like it that much but i feel like a jewish kid jerking off you would have like identified with them it's also something that that a good amount of my friends reference and it's like i never like i should i just didn't sure did you watch any cartoons do you like cartoons uh i never i never you're wearing a mickey mouse tie this is mickey mouse yes do you like mickey mouse mickey mouse the cartoon i love mickey mouse okay so there you go what the fuck is it to me i decided to go from the original um you pivoted yes um would you like to you're gonna play hans um and could you also play holly i could play holly i could play holly there's only one line i got it um holly genero is that our last name or is that a place you're in the rio genero isn't it that's not our last name are you okay i'm okay i think i need to print one more for the stage direction can i touch it yes please can you bring him to me i'm gonna is that okay do i have your consent to move you that's okay do you like animals yes do you like this particular animal do you like animals in general i like every i like everything have a heart yeah that's nice everything they have a spirit and heart do you think that animals have more of that than humans do generally yes i think they're very special it's special special except for this squirrel squirrels yeah you don't think you find squirrels to sort of be heartless they're very fast and they're not stay for a second no it's hard to capture them it's hard it's hard to meet them meet in their meet them in their beady little eyes yes you caught a squirrel once yeah well we have the video up so people could see it's it's what led me to alvin it's why i named him alvin after a squirrel kind of kind of meaning because alvin's a chipmunk right mclean steps into view in the doorway backlit by sparks still tumbling down from the roof above he holds the machine gun ready you're gonna play um bruce willis's character mclean this which i would imagine would be holly's last name is bruce willis yes i mean if sorry what is the home that is getting his wife back that's an exclamation point for what is that means that yeah it's more it means you raise your voice were they divorced or they're getting divorced they're getting divorced hans turns not that surprised it's this one that's not yeah yeah but i'm uh hans yeah you really you you just brought him right in the deep end and you haven't explained to him how we've done scenes before together he just okay he just has questions all the time about stuff okay you just have to kind of push through like a child it's kind of racist go ahead eric holly hans turns not that surprised grinning he yanks holly into view no words need to be said john holly we have to we have to establish holly we're having to stop mid like that so that what it was was a fucking take from begin from the first time sure hans hans turns not that surprised grinning he yanks holly into view no words need to be said john holly we're having to stop mid like this is so that it was fuck rappers so wait wait no so that's what it was a fucking robbery i say this he did basically say holly holly we have a stop mid like that that is what it was fuck rappers so why knock nuke knock nuke like a nuclear bomb why your bomb building hands hands quite that's a question mark why where where why you do it when you steal six hundred dollars you can disappear but when you steal six hundred million they will find you unless you play dead which happens to be your next role drop your gum please mclean hesitates hans pushes the gun again i do can i get one more shot at it because he's gotten a lot more takes at it yeah can i get it yeah let me read this direction so the people uh know what it is uh so when you're done this is direction for you so after he says that line you're gonna hesitate you know what that word means you're gonna pause you're gonna wait you're gonna right before something happens you take a moment and then he he's gonna push the gun against your wife holly and he hurts her he heard her yeah it's hurting her so when he says drop your gun and and then he's gonna put his gun up against your wife so it's gonna incentivize you to want to drop your gun because you want to make sure she doesn't get shot does that make sense no okay we'll take it from the top hans john how we haven't stopped me like that this does what this what this was fucking rubbers so why why nuke why nuke the building why nuke why nuke this why hans when you steal six hundred dollars you can disappear but when you steal six hundred million they will find you unless you play dead which happens to be your next rule drop your gun please oh he's pressing the gun up against the wife oh nine this is i'm okay i don't i can actually have your help here i know you're not german but do you have any german do you do you have any german do you have any do you have any german do you have a german do you have german nine dc in east nine nine this is mine this time john wayne does not walk off into the sunset grace kelly that was good there's still more this time john wayne doesn't get to walk off into the the sunset with grace kelly that that was gary kipper will you not swear no he's sending it out you got it shit it shit oh i get that the th is confusing oh yeah shit head uh shit head you won't you can just keep going motherfucker that's fine yeah no more jokes drop it or she gets between the eyes wow hans no you're a cowboy no you're a cowboy hans mother fucker wait wait wait he's saying that i say that he's he says that too because you say it he's like taking your line and your woman it's a callback it's a callback to when john mclean says you pka motherfucker but now hans is sort of you want to say motherfucker line do you want to switch the roles i am i say motherfucker this all right let's just i'll switch let's just switch it and let's just try to get through this real quick okay so well you'll be mclean or you'll be uh you'll be hans i am bruce willis no but now you're gonna play yes bruce willis's name is hans okay i don't need to make eye contact you don't understand what's happening oh that i was just gonna ask if you want some water or something are you okay so huh uh bruce willis's character is named hans nick and um the guy whose brother is scar is mclean got it we'll wrap it up why are you tired he's tired because this is getting tedious yeah it is i i feel that too not him me you yeah i i wasn't blaming him good hey it's not good like this you guys come together having some like friend not like this you're like brother i don't have brother i thought you had a brother who was a political dissident he's like because my brother is not not here he's not here i'm sorry about that are your parents still with us why are you asking this more than one time because i still probably if you're just feel like if your brother is a political prisoner maybe they are too or maybe maybe you're you're asking questions not important for this yeah or maybe i want to go find your parents and why you want to find my parents that could be a cool documentary nick crowl find secrets parents people be like what's that and then you get to say to me yippee-ki-yay i want you two to ha i want you you two to hurt hurting people each other harden each other hug each other hug each other i feel like it's very hard you guys fight for that hug each other come on i didn't feel like you were fighting at all it scared me my car do you scare you scared i get that it was a tension there's i understand i think you and i are comfortable with the the version of conflict that we're having but i don't think but i think there's probably times where you are very comfortable with conflict in a way that i would never be comfortable with yes yeah like i think this like that this is fine we'll be fine after this but you know what if you want a hug yeah before i hug you is there anything you want to plug uh yeah let's see um something to wash your hands with are you okay yeah it was tracker on cbs i want to plug that um tnt a few years ago had uh the show version of the snow piercer i i know the movie i don't know they made it because you show a show of it uh david diggs was in it a couple other people is that the guy that that that was um he ran the uh in eight mile he ran the the rep you know i think that's no david diggs was in hamilton and then a number of other projects are you thinking of mckay pfeiffer yes and i was also thinking of ty diggs and that's the wrong guy but they're all each other's sentences i know what you're gonna say that's me that's you that's me who's that that's my girlfriend i have no idea who he is but i don't i don't want to like get rid of him but that's sweet that's how you met your girlfriend yeah i met my girlfriend i was eight when she was uh one and you guys now she's 22. right so you were friends until she turned 18. i actually didn't i didn't even remember uh this i only met her for a couple of days i met her again when she was 21. and i was 28 and we were doing our thing this was a year ago you're 29. do you believe that he's 29 says do you think he's 29 years old yes very handsome thank you how are how are you i'm handsome too how are how old are you oh how old i'm okay i'm 47. how old are you how old are you oh how old are you oh how old are you oh how old are you Thank you Is there anything you want to plug? What do you mean? I'll plug some stuff though for real I've got a show called Adults that I produce on FX Congratulations on another season Thank you It's on FX and Hulu Well you could just say FX by the time this comes out Hulu will be It'll be a tile on Disney Plus Do you get to Disney Plus? He's not going to understand I understand What's Disney Plus? It's Mickey Mouse No, he's not wrong It is Mickey Mouse Do you know what Disney Plus is? Have you seen The Mandalorian? What about? Yes, I have it I love that Do you like the baby Grogu? It's my favorite Describe him for us Which one? Baby Grogu Describe Grogu for us He's very sweet He's baby He's like small baby who haven't to touch it I love it I think that's a fair description Those are the major features Anyway, so where you can find baby Grogu Yes or Mickey Mouse you can find Adults on FX So it's Disneyland Yeah, kind of I love Disneyland Yeah It's great Yeah It is great It is great So there's that Also on Hulu a movie I made with Andrew Reynolds called I Don't Understand You You would like that I like it It's a Yeah, about a Is it out? I don't know this Who is in Who is that person? Andrew Reynolds He was in Ryan Reynolds' brother Deadpool I like him He's different But similarly handsome white Like those guys are white Not Jewish Not Jewish Like those guys are white Ryan Reynolds is white Like that's how I'm like you're not white Like Ryan Reynolds is white I don't know I feel like I'm white like Ryan Reynolds You're not, man Not even close Thank you Am I like that? That's the thing with people from where you're from It's not clear what is going Yeah It's ambiguous It's actually a thing you could say You could call them racially ambiguous Well, but it's like It's like Yeah Because I feel like Are you from Are you Greek? Are you Do we know where you're from? Are you Albanian? Armenian? You're from somewhere in the Mediterranean? You don't have to answer that I'm sorry That was way too personal You don't have to answer that That was inappropriate Can I apologize? We can edit it out Sekrut? Yes I want to apologize for asking where you're from That was inappropriate I don't think that's inappropriate I don't know I don't know if you're joking right now What's inappropriate about asking where he's from? I just think it hurt him It's not hurt me It's before people asking where you're from Is many times after the answer people go to jail Yes That's what I'm conscious of that right now I feel like there's I'm more aware of that right now People will go to If you say where you're from other people will go to jail? Depends on where you are Yes This is about the political climate I don't understand If you're here right now Yes If you say where you're from who's going to jail? Who knows? It could be It could be It could be me to go How? You do not see what has happened this work? Today Are you Do you watch news? Or you just watching Can I ask who did you vote for? Who did you vote for? Who would you vote for? Are you not Are you not a legal citizen here? Because if so If not Then you wouldn't be able to vote If that's the case I'll edit around this This is personal You are asking question You want to talk You want to say You want to say Motherfucker We'll do this You wanted to talk about your His movie Is he working? Watch the Hulu movie Is it out? Yeah It's called I don't understand you And what is your role in this? Did you write this? What do you do there? I don't understand you That's the name of the movie What are you doing for? What do you do for that? I acted in it And for what? For money and fame That's a funny answer There's no way You have money? Yeah I made some money Did you write this too? Or is this something you casted? No, I'm just in it What's it about? It's me and Andrew Rannells We're a couple We go to You might win an award I don't think No, I don't think I'm going to win an award I don't really You're playing gay Yeah They're going to take an award From me for doing that What do you mean? I'm not allowed to That's what they're trying to do That's what they're trying to do Yeah They're trying to take it all away They won't let me do anything That's the problem I can't go in anybody's bathrooms now I want to go in everybody's bathrooms Because you are gay? Yeah Yeah In the movie I'm gay In real life I'm married to a woman So what's the movie about? We're a couple We go to Italy And we're trying to like Kind of save our marriage And then we end up At this old lady's house And we just Shit goes crazy We And everyone in our family Wait a minute Is this Is this the Is this the Is this the like I used to bury the lead of that Because I was like You want the surprise But then if you just watch Watch the trailer for the movie They kind of lay it all out there That's in the trailer Yeah I don't watch trailers If I've decided that I want to see something Great Well But So this isn't a spoiler then? This is part of the premise of the movie? It's a It's not a spoiler You can cut around this if you want But it's a We'll bleep what he said Yeah Me and Rannells go And We go to this Italian vacation And then Shit goes crazy Yeah Is what I'll say Are you happy with it? Yeah it's funny It's a good movie You'll make this? I just started I didn't write it or produce it I'm just in it Again to For money and fame Was it When you have it to You read like this For this? Yes exactly This is what the script looked like But it's It's not The lines aren't like Do you audition for that? I didn't audition for that one How you get it? Very cool They just They offered it to me And when they offered it to you Was there somebody involved That you're like I probably want to do this Or do you go like I'll read this? What made you want to read it? I knew I knew the guys who wrote it And directed it They're a real couple And it's a little bit About their story of adopting And like a horror vacation They had to Italy That they combined And Joel Edgerton Is one of the producers of it From The Fighter Is he in The Fighter? Oh yeah You've seen The Fighter right? No The Warrior You're thinking of the one Warrior Yeah Warrior Yes Love that movie Yes He I saw him in that And then we did a movie together Became friends He's one of the producers And his brother Nash Is an awesome director And did all the stunts and stuff You know So before you read it Did you think to yourself I probably want to do this Based on that Or do you It was I mean Being like hey Do you and Andrew Rannells Want to go shoot a movie In Italy together And Joel is directing And Brian and David Are writing Or Brian and David Are writing and directing it Joel's producing it And go to Live in Italy And shoot a movie I was like yeah For how long? It was like six weeks I don't know I hope this isn't boring you But I can't tell We cut around Like you're my guest I don't even know How much we show Or even keep I mean we're going to Keep some of this in But like Okay I just I have trouble When someone's in a room Not acknowledging them And reading their vibe And the vibe I'm getting Off of him Well what have you been Looking at McCone McCone's vibe You haven't really been Checking in with him But I am checking in with him Because I can feel his He's pulling the camera From place to place I can get I'm getting a vibe off him Right And the vibe off him Is like I'm here To film this And They're getting paid The same amount You're making $2.15 For this? I wish Two He can shut down The camera right now If you don't give him The extra $15 I keep this The $15 I wasn't The $15 I gave him For bringing me the water He's saying good job I think he's saying good job But he's nervous No it's on the app On the phone Oh I thought you were On the app $15 is for this On the app For the But while you're paying That in cash? $200 is cash Let me see it Yeah It's good cash Can I see you When I don't know if we caught it Because you You checking To make sure the money Was real Can I see you do that? Check this money? Yeah Because you checked it To make sure it was real The way you Yeah You checked to see If Ben Franklin's wrinkles Are real Is that what it is? No because When it's When it's fuck It's like Wait wait What did you say? I said when it's fuck It's not dirty You can When it's fuck It's not dirty Is what I heard you say And I know it's not what You said I'm saying when it's fuck It's dirty The pant is dirty When it sounds like you're saying When it's a F word It's dirty No when it's fuck Spell it F-A-K Oh Okay Is this This number Like this It's It's scrape Oh really? Yeah Do you Have you gotten a lot? Have you gotten burned That way before? Yes Do you have money? I have money You know what? I don't have money though on me I forgot my wallet I flew here And forgot my wallet Everybody have Will you fly You know where I'm here? I am But I flew in And I forgot I forgot my wallet Have you ever gotten to the airport And not had your wallet on you? Will you Will you fly Sounds like a good stand-up set Will you fly from Let me hear you do that What else? Turn that into a stand-up bit I should Why not? Right? Let me see the origins of it now You get to the airport And you realize you don't And then I try to use My little charm To be like But we can figure this out Right? And they're like No And I'm like You know you have your You know A picture of your ID on your phone? what else I liked it yeah see he found it relatable listen I'm going to let you go we're going to end this because that's what should happen and I don't want to like linger me linger to you but I would like to say that I'm a huge fan of yours and this is so cool that you wanted to do this I don't know how often you get stoned if you're ever free and want to come on this podcast with me and get high I would love to do a high episode with you who's to say we didn't just do one brother brother me and Secroot you never know brother you never know you were just pretending that it was allergies yeah we just blazed one down in his Corolla how do you know what kind I have because I've been following you for the last six weeks look behind you Secroot look behind you you scared me turn away yippee-ki-yay motherfucker alright anything you want to plug did you see some of the clips that we've been putting out with the one with Kristen are doing really well right now have you been getting recognized yeah are you psyched on the socials I don't know I don't know alright thank you so much for coming over thanks man I like his socks these are my lucky socks we haven't even talked and you were like wear nice socks I said clean oh right wear clean socks and these are actually my lucky socks what have you experienced in them that it makes you feel that way they're kind of I'm not a superstitious guy for the most part but I wear them when I have something to do that's important and in this case it was the thing I did right before I got here funny funny what was you do you wouldn't get it out on Hulu now make sure to check it out on Disney Plus you wouldn't get it it's called I don't understand you I don't understand you on Hulu Plus make sure to check out Big Mouth on probably Netflix Netflix eight seasons I believe eight seasons eight seasons in a movie where can I get sound like that it's a good question I'll find out for you check out Too Much Tuna back on Broadway next year maybe oh God willing can I fill this yeah yeah yeah if you ever do that and you don't have to answer this now I'm just asking you to plant this as a seed yeah could I do audience warm-up for it yeah great I would love that it's good yeah it's good quality and I've worn them a bunch so like the fact that they're still together is good well you're yeah man you're this you're a funny man and I've I enjoy watching your clips I've never watched or listened to the show entirely nobody watches the full episodes nobody watches it's all just to be cut up and consumed clip farming yes brother but it's very funny it's very it's a very fun show I'm happy to and it was as fun as I hoped it would be yeah for all the times you stood by me for all the joy that you let me see if I highlight her for all the wars in your human life for it's fading to black let it go let it go it's almost black yeah in the midst of a summer tune you're everything I am because you love me I like the title card and now the thing that's going we can see here oh look it you could watch this episode with you know oh yeah you could watch this episode with some people Sebastian Maniscalco and then here you can watch an episode I was thinking maybe like whatever's best for you I love Sebastian yeah I bet I love him yeah you are drinking with apple on it yeah that's like honestly the best Sebastian impression I've heard why are you worrying why are you worrying why are you worrying why are you wearing no shoes are you not man that's fucking spot on how do you know him so well I watch on my computer and the TVs do you have a good Sebastian and then I'll let you go it's not going to be better than his alright I mean that was like like there's a lot of I don't know if he knows but a lot of people do a Sebastian impression why do you have an apple on the drink he's still doing it yeah he's still fucking good because that's what he's like right question is important question why are you having I don't why are you having it there it make me it's funny for me yeah but why are you having it and then quickly we want to wish to Kevin James just we're going to cut it now black people scoot do black people blubberty blue scoop deep oh yeah!