New Year New Roast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

- 100% - [laughs] - Welcome to the fourth episode of The Winter Bears. - The fine finale. - The finale, now very similarly, we have people, the big wigs from YMH, the head behind the scenes guys, are all here to try to talk us into doing a show permanently on the network. And what is the answer gonna be? - The answer's a resounding no. Absolutely not, Chris, you're already looking for houses in Texas. You're ready to move to Austin. You're ready to fucking completely change. - Right. - You're ready to go. No, this has been a great time. I've enjoyed hanging out here in the studio. They have a lot of amenities. - They do. - They have a whole staff. - They do. - I'm actually pretty sluggish because I have continued to crush pastries. They have a lot of snacks here. I had way too many croissants. So I'm bringing 2026, this is 2026 after all, Chris. I'm bringing in sluggish, and I'm ready to get home to beautiful New York City. - New York City. - No, I'm ready to hold hands with you on our Delta flight back there. - Oh, dude, I hope. What seat are you, do you know? I'm 5D. - I'm 3A. - Damn. - But we'll still hang. - I'll ask my seatmate to switch. - Yeah. - Yeah, so you and I could sit next to each other. Now, here's the, let's be honest. - Well, you can't even, here's the problem, you know, not to start. I mean, would it be an episode of, would it be a run of two bears without talking about the fact that we're in first class and complaining about it. - Yes. - But the one of the downsides in first class, you can't as easily, secretly suck your friend off sitting next to him. - Almost. - Because there's real partitions there. - Yes. - Back in the day, you could do sneaky gay shit if you're in the back. - Yeah. - Back in the day, I was always like being near the bathroom because I thought maybe people, they were the least desirable seats. So if any middle seat is gonna be open as a fat person, I would get the one right by the bathroom. And the worst was when it's a full flight and it smells like shit and you're rubbing thighs with another grown man. - Yeah. - But a lot of times it would work out for me and I would have a whole row to myself. - Right. - And I could get through, by the way, I'm the guy shitting. So someone's shitting in a, in a airplane, it is an insanely fat guy who got way too much Popeyes at the fucking, at the like food court. - Yeah. - Because once you're, once you know you're flying, there's no nutritional law. - Zero rules. - I fucking, I wouldn't use, even when I was broke, I would probably spend more on snacks than even, 'cause I used to find the most budget flight I could. - Yeah. - And then I would go and spend like $40 on Haribo gummies and fucking fried chicken and fucking shit. I've almost missed flights. I've been, they've called my name while I've been in line at Chick-fil-A and I've just been like, "Come on, I need my fucking nuggets." And I literally was just fucking wanting to get it. - Nothing better than watching a fat guy run to his flight. - Yeah. - One of the best things you could see if you're just like, - Absolutely. - You know, I'm in the terminal just waiting and then boom. - A guy who does not usually run, you can tell. - Yeah. - You're like, "This guy's about to pop." Like an ACL is on the verge of just, just completely popped. - Yeah, my physical therapy degree pops up. I'm like, "Oh yeah, I can run over there." - Oh, I need a fucking massage. - I'll do it, I'll do it. - My shoulders are fucked up. Now, I think, well, what are we gonna do? When we get there, we're gonna go into the Delta Lounge. They got some nice food and snacks. They're all freebies. - I have lost, this is, you know, I've become, I have lost my Delta privileges. - Wow. - Yeah. I'm becoming a man of the people yet again. - Well, lucky you, I have. - You have a guest? - I've only, I've been hardcore with the, I've leaned in to Delta. I'm like, frickin', you know what I mean? Delta special forces. - Yeah. - I can get a plus one. So you will be my honored esteemed guest. - Thank you. - Wow. - It'll be nice to be back as somebody's fucking guest. - Now, I will tell you that, you know, Austin, the flights from Houston to New York City are much, they give you the better planes. They give you the shit level planes at Delta from Austin to New York. Austin is this bubbling city, but they don't treat it like that. In the airport, Houston, they'll give you first class. Houston to New York is Delta one. Lay down beds and all that. - This one is not even close to that. It's partitioned off tight spaces. - Wow. - Now, and also we have no opportunity to fly into LaGuardia. We have to fly into JFK, which is the worst airport. I'd rather be in the back of a car with JFK. (laughing) - You'd rather be wiping off visor and brain matter from your lapels. - Yeah. - And then fucking flying into JFK. - I really despise it. And it just takes a lot longer to get to your home, to my home. And I do feel like, as you mentioned, if we're gonna complain about sitting first class in the privilege as I come along with that, this is the show to do that. - Absolutely. - This is a platform where you do that. - It is the perfect two bears topic to complain about the first class stopping you from doing gay shit. - Yes. - It's kind of every element of the program. - Yes. - Like we're too rich to explore our latent homosexual desires now. - Right. - Which is a problem. - And by the way, which won't be able to stay latent for long. - Right. (laughing) - You know, like, I don't know, I think I'm past it. I think if you would caught me, I could have been groomed into a gay lifestyle, you know? I could have been, if somebody, if I found somebody, some older man who wanted to lean me out, treat me like his little fuck pig, and then make me, you know, he'd buy me stuff, put me on our exercise regimen when I was broke. He might have, you know, if his dick wasn't too big. - Sure. - It wasn't too much of a hassle to suck him off. - There's a guy who's looking up to you right now in like his early 20s, who sees a lot of himself in you. - Right. - And you kind of just said that to him, and he is in-- - He's hoping that happens to me. - Well, he's hoping that that happens for him. - That's what I'm saying. - Right, and so what he's saying to himself is, okay, so what I could see him eventually getting in line with Tim Dylan. - Right. - And what I just described is what Tim is looking for. - It's exactly. - You wanna be hilarious, if Tim started, if you've seen behind the candelabra, where Liberace makes all his boyfriends look exactly like him. What if Tim took all these fucking twinks and started feeding them till they got fat as shit. And like forced them to look exactly like him, so he got fucking carbon, fuck, made them smoke cigarettes so they'd get a gravely involved. - Yeah, so they're all wearing Balenciaga. Huge sunglasses. He just has a fucking, he has an army of like fat guys and fucking designer sunglasses, who he fucks in the ass. - Yeah, but no, I think Tim tastes our, to the twinkish side of his. - Yes they are, yes they are too, twink. So we're not necessarily his type, but you don't think you could have ever been convinced to be gay man's sexual play toy. - I mean, dude, I mean, that's foundational Catholicism. So, I mean, this is what the beginning years are. - Right, right, right. - No, I don't think, I think that for me, the gay stuff. - Do you take the body of the Lord? - Yeah. - You put your tongue out, daddy? - Yeah, yeah. - Give me a morsel of your body, daddy. - Just on my knees, tongue open. - Like, sir, you don't have to do that. - The first time you take a meaning, and you try to get it on all fours. - Yeah. - Dude, you know what sucks about Catholic church now? They don't give anyone the wine anymore, since COVID can't drink the blood of Christ. - Just the body. - No, you can't drink the blood of Christ. - Just the juice, not the blood. - That's why, dude, that's why, you know, now we have to just take the blood of. - I love the Greek Orthodox, 'cause I haven't had communion in a while. I've become a heathen. - Sure. - But I did grow up in the church, and they would make you, it was one spoon, and they would put a little bread and a little wine in there, and everyone eats off the same spoon, and the priest would have a little cloth and wipe it off, but germs don't work. And then I was like, 'cause you'd have to often follow on a fucked up looking old, 'cause people who love Communion, the elder. - Yeah, yeah. - And you would, you have to follow a really fucked up mouth having an old mouth. - It's a dirty, old mouth. - Yeah, fucked in shitty dentures. - Like a frontier mouth. - Yeah, an organ trail mouth. - Yeah, yeah, I don't want the Talamata trail. And I asked my mom, I was like, what the, like, I don't want to, these germs are on it. She was like, God disinfects it with his powers. - Yeah, come on. - She's like, God is down there, like zapping every fucking communion spoon in between. He would be pretty busy. - Yeah, dude, when I went to Council for my whole life, they would say, like, you know, we would study for the test, and then they would say, but the most important part of it is you just pray to God to give me the answers. Just getting a 10 on my SATs. - But I'm praying. - I'm praying, yeah. - You're not praying hard enough. - God answer your prayers during Nassau Community College. There you go. Now it's New Year's Eve. - It's time to think about New Year's resolutions. - Sure. - You know, goals for the year. - I had a New Year's resolution last year to not cancel any comedy shows to say committed to what I say I'm gonna do, and then I canceled the last quarter of all my shows this year. I just said, nope, I'm not going. I canceled Seattle, Vancouver, Portland. - Wow. - And I loved Shoutout to Civic North West. Great comedy town. - Great comedy town. Shoutout to all those people. Shoutout to people of Columbus, Ohio. Then I canceled on. I have no problems with any of these towns. I love these towns. I just got to a point where I said, I just don't want to leave the family anymore. I don't want to be multiple times zones away. It feels too far. I am now on a quest in 2026, 2027 to do shows just primarily in the original 13 colonies. (laughing) It's what I've thought of as this would work for me. If I'm on the Eastern seaboard, so if you're in one of the original 13, Yes, there's a high chance I'm coming to you. I hope you'll come see me And I I don't mean to neglect the other parts of the country But just mentally with my family on I just feel like I'm too far away And it's not good for me my mental state. So I'm looking to stay home. Okay. That's beautiful A lot of jokes about the Atlantic Ocean. Sure. You know a lot of a lot of regional stuff founding father material You know, all that stuff, dude Start shooting on the Algonquins the Iroquois Yeah, how fucking how gullible they were who gave us who traded Manhattan the Lenape the Lenape and the only reason I know that it's because I'm watch Colin Quinn's New York history That's how all of Brooklyn learned about history is through Colin Quinn's it's awesome one man shows and him on weekend update Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know in the 90s. Of course. He was our hero. Of course. That was a close. You got to actual news Yeah, it was just Colin. It was Colin Quinn a guy from the city being on weekend update. That's it What about I was a kid. I was not when I was a kid. I was actually pissed I didn't like Colin Quinn. I was a kid. Well, because you hated New York type thing. I don't know. I was just because I just he was too like He was more about jokes. I was a dumbass little kid like what year was he? Did he was he right after norm? Yeah, like 96 96 I also you know, it's so funny. I love norm. Even though it was a kid Yeah, and his is a very dry style, but I was a my first snl that I loved was like that All those guys that got fired was like sandler. Oh, sure. You know, Santa Carly Yes, normal that stuff. Yeah, and I only watch it because my mother was a waitress at a Greek restaurant And she would come home with leftover lamb chops and calamari and so I You wake up for that. I would no, I would stay up pat like I would watch snl Yeah, I was like fucking seven like we're talking at least like the mid 90s when those guys are on snl I was literally six and seven years old. Yeah, and I was staying up The promise of calamari or lamb chop actually gave me a Yeah, gave me a Education and comedy fellas. You already know what time it is. 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I love our stuff But and I also think looking back those updates are really funny. Oh my god. They're really fun They're epic and and you know, he I think like in comedy like you have to have someone that you look up And here's what's wild is that was our thing SNL You have to believe that there are little kids right now who are 10 11 12 13 years old who they You're getting them into comedy. That's really isn't that wild dude. There's some little kid right now That's like I stay up for colamarian lamb chops, too I see myself in him. Yeah, he's just watching fucking videos just on on his phone waiting. Yeah, yeah, it's funny Because there's it's not tethered at any time anymore. No, you could just see comedy whenever you want whenever you want It's yeah, yeah, I hope there's some fat little child who's watching. Yeah, inspired by my comedy So I got so New Year's Eve coming up. I of course did the the one thing that my family asked me not to do they've They won requests and they said please can you just not work for the holidays? It's also by the way the worst gig in the world one thousand percent. Yeah, so instead I've done I'm now doing two shows at the Count Bay'sy Theater in Red Bank New Jersey Great theater great theater. Yeah, um, of course now my, you know, beautiful, you know, wife and children have instead of Being able to sing the comfort of our home. I've now gotten them hotels in the outskirts of Red Bank New Jersey What are the finest tourist districts Red Bank? Yes, they don't have any type of like nice hotels Or where I swear to God I have them in a holiday and express Symbolic yeah, Symbolica what their life with you is gonna be like yes So now they're have to stay Jasmine has to now, you know, put on her finest New Year's Eve gown and stay huddled up You know, they're not gonna come to the well, you know, I got the you know little babies. We're gonna have the dog with us So you know your Siberian Husky so now we're staying in literally two queen beds is the the most extravagant I could get for 250 a night is two queen beds in a holiday and express in the outskirts of New Jersey and But I have promised that I'm not working New Year's Day and any really that much in January so we'll do something But that is gonna be my New Year's Eve is is having to slug it out to Count Bay'sy Theater with James matter and and the great my camera. That's a nice guy to be good But my family is because we did it. I did the Paramount on Long Island two weeks two years ago And you know, it was good enough time, but jazz was like don't do it again and you so then I did I took last year off and then I immediately forgot what she said and booked my I booked myself I booked the show on New Year's Eve January of this year so I booked it a year in advance So I was like I'm immediately I'm making sure to go against wishes. Yes Maxi the first thing I do this year is make my wife mad. Yes or my not yet wife Not yet wife, but she's told me though that she wants to she wants me to start saying it publicly So I start to get my mind to the idea like this is what's happening and she also is like we've been together long enough It's kind of weird to say my girlfriend. It is it is yeah it starts to become very trashy at a certain point Yes to be well for when you have when you have multiple when your kids are like have like four or starting to form political opinions And you still call the woman that you had them with your girlfriend. Yeah, that is trash That is a trash. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you live with her It'd be one thing if you guys were divorced or like you know, we're co-parents. You are in a her name's on the deed Yeah, yeah, you're in a committed relationship. You have a child who's like 10 years old. Yes. Yeah, and you're like my my chick Yeah, my girl my my child's filling out college applications. I'm like yes, my girlfriend. Well, she thinks Now I've done two regrettable things here. Okay hit me with New Year's Eve Show Red Bank, New Jersey also. I just sometimes you just can't get away from New Jersey can't get away from the roots. I Said yes after multiple asks of me saying no, no, but then finally just warm me down. Okay. I am now doing I am now roasting The cast of the Jersey Shore In the state of New Jersey at the Borgada Or the hard rock in Atlantic city rock Atlantic city a thousand people in their arena. I am now. I've never roasted in my life I have no idea what to do or say and I said and I said yes because they offered me just enough money and a free weekend stay at the hard rock So that's your family coming to that Jasmine is okay, but yeah, so she was like that and but even that I'm like come on babe. We'll go in a vacation She's like it's an Atlantic city. That's what she said. She's like, you know, Chris like when are when are you gonna understand that like A vacation in Atlantic City is in a vacation for me like you like you also went in fucking December January Yeah, in the winter you're going to Atlantic City. Yeah, disgusting. She's like, you know, like what about going to Puerto Rico and all that and I'm like Well, I don't know if they have a comedy club in San Juan So I couldn't I'm like that got my name is somebody gonna pay me to make fun of Jay Wow's plastic surgery in San Juan I don't think so Yeah, so it's like what the hell do you want me to do and she's actually even that's been a big gripe with her and I I do understand that now where she's like Why does every single vacation we go on as a family? Why do you have to do stand up? at the beginning or end of it. I'm like, because that pays for the trip. She's like, stop with that. Every other adult, she's going away and just goes away. - Yeah, no one, no one, an accountant doesn't fucking go to a Marriott in Tuscany and say, hey, can I do your books for a free hotel room? They just work before the vacation. That is, again, you being too stupid to understand things. You're like, well, I have to pay for it while I'm there. And it's like, no, dude, you could just do a different, you could do a gig the week before, and if you could go to Columbus, right, instead of canceling, you could have just kept Columbus on the books, use that money to pay for Puerto Rico. You see how that works, Chris? You see how we're not in a direct, you think we're in a barter economy still. Where you're like, can I tell some jokes for hotel rooms? - Yeah, no, just give us money. - I'm still living in the original 13 colony mindset, where I'm so unbartering with the Lenape to get goods and services, to get us through the winter here, jazz. So do you want to get through the winter? We have, I have seven goats for the family. So now, so I'm actually nervous about this Jersey Shore roast because I've never roasted anyone. I've never been, because you never did a single roast ever? - Zero, and now listen, the guys who crush out, you know, of course, like, you know, the Colin Quinn's, the Tony Hinchcliffe's, the Nikki Glazer's, these guys, they're professional rosters. They do it in a way that I marvel at. I just have never been interested in being mean to someone else. - Yeah, I mean, it's just not my thing. - I get it. I think the roasting stuff is really overrated. I think like, I miss when it was the, 'cause the original roast is fun. It's like your friends who you shit, like I would, the only roast I would be interested in doing is if it was like, if it's like your roast and it's like all our friends. - Yeah. - And we're all shitting on each other in like a loving way, where it's like, yeah, you can make fun of, like I just remember when I first moved to New York, roast battle was the big thing, right? And pretty much you had to get stage time anywhere. The way you worked your way in was to do a roast battle. So I did a couple and it's like, okay, I roasted an Ian and Nick and Molly. And they were fun, those were my friends, that was fun. But then it got to the point where you're just roasting people you don't know and it's just like, you just meet up with someone and it's like, and then you just kind of, all right, everyone just takes turns telling each other the worst things that ever happened to them. And then like, so a straight, you meet a stranger and they go, okay, so I got rid of seven. My mom has cancer, you could probably get something good out of that. - Yeah. - And it's like, this isn't what comedy is. - Yeah, and then it's also like, I know them a little bit the cast of the Jersey Show and I like them and we get along and it's like, now I'm gonna say hateful things about them and probably blow up the relationship. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just for, stay out the hard rock. (laughing) - Yeah, I'm sure the hotel, the casino buffet is pretty good too. - Yeah, that's true. - But I mean, they know what they signed up for. - That's true. But I don't know, I just think it's strange to roast someone you don't. You knowing them a little bit makes it slightly better. I think it's weirder now that we just roast people we don't know at all. - Yeah. - And sometimes they're all this, you just, you take a guy out. If someone's fat, you could make the same jokes about them that you do, you know. - Yeah. - It's just like paint by numbers. - That's all it is. - Where I prefer when it was like, and the great, people that are great joke writers can still find a couple of ways around that, you know? - Yeah. - But I don't, I feel like, I feel like you got to really know the people for it to be fun. - Yeah. - 'Cause then it's friends busting each other's balls. - Yeah. - And also I'm sitting with this feeling, I booked this like a month ago, I'm sitting with this feeling like just, it's the only thing that's coming up that I'm like, regretting and I'm like, I'll do stand up, I'll do stand up for people that don't speak English. - Of course. - And just have fun with it in my own way, and I love doing stand up. - That's the best show you've ever done. - Yeah, they like you more, they like you. - Yeah, this is on our level. This, yeah, these ideas are communicated to us. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I'm like, dude, I gotta do more shows in Bangladesh. (laughing) And but I realized like, oh, I took a gig 'cause I was like, oh, Jersey, sure, sure, I'll do that. And then I realized like, there's been a lot of realizations for me in this past year. I'm like, oh, wait a second. I would just say immediately say yes to something because it's like you have anxiety about your careers, gonna go away or something like that. But now I'm trying to be like moving forward. Hey, like just have some confidence in yourself and your own abilities that you'll be okay either way. You don't have to say yes to every, you don't have to say the majority of things you don't want to do. - Yeah. - Just say yes. And so somebody told me, you need to live 20, 26 like this. And I'm gonna tell this to the fans. - Okay. - Remember this, kids, if you remember anything. - He is, folks, it's a thing some guy told Chris that he has not yet put into effect in his life. - But just, it's a thing he's planning to do. - Yeah, listen up. - It's a thing and the friend who told me does live in his car but he's doing it for his own reasons. (laughing) He said to me, the way you need to leave 20, live 20, 26 is this, if it ain't a hell yes, it's a no. - Wow dude. - What do you think of that? - That's beautiful, man. That's fucking awesome. - Yes. - That's a really good bumper sticker. (laughing) - That's my merch. - You're such a fucking simpleton. - You're crazy man. - It's so fucking amazing. - If it ain't a hell yes, it's a no. - That is being mass printed and being sold in an Etsy shop by a fucking 48 year old wine mom right now. - 100%. - They're like, who said that to you? - It's Cabernet at clock somewhere. - Yeah. - It's like-- - They're like, who said that to you? I'm like Ricky Bobby. (laughing) - I like that my personal, I actually do have a motto as well. It's something that it is my New Year's resolution every year and it's double the bread, double the head. - Nice. - So let's get twice as rich, let's get sucked off twice as much. - And have the numbers, have you been doing that? - No, it's unsustainable. - Okay. - Double, I started that when I was very broke and it was like, make more than $8,000 and get sucked off more than twice. (laughing) - And so in the first few years, I could do it, but years either just with a prostitute, like I got to hit these numbers. - Well, there was one, there was one New Year's where I fucked a girl at a party, like at 1205. And then I fucked a different girl at like 1150 and I was briefly on pace to fuck 725, or whatever 365 times two is. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? So there was one day where there was one year where for one day, I was on pace to fuck over 700 women. (laughing) And I ended up fucking I think like four. - Yeah. - But briefly, I was like, wow. - Wow dude, this is something. - Yeah. - I go to the Japanese 1% better each day. You can just get 1% better. - That's more sustainable. - You're good. - Now that the holidays are over, you might be feeling like you've got a big spending hangover. The drinks, the holiday food, the gifts, it all adds up. 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Now let me, just because it's you, obviously respected comic, can I read some of these? Please, I would love to. Yes, let's get into, yeah. I was gonna ask, what are your angles for years or so? Now, obviously, you know, the angle that I want to take is to kind of be the guy that's like, look, I don't want to be here either, type thing. I'm not a roaster. Like, kind of take the approach like this is like, like, I don't like that, I don't like being a half measure guy. Either you do it or you don't. But I mean, you can be a little respectful. You're saying you respect there. And you're like, as fellow intellectuals, I don't want to be roasting you. Right, yeah. So it's more like, I want to say something like, like where is it like, you know, like, look dude, like, I don't, you know, I respect you guys. This is bad, but I gotta be honest with you. I mean, this is a bigger slap in the face of my heritage than if I did an Olive Garden commercial. - That's not bad. - Not bad? - I like it. - Okay. Then I say Vinny Guadanino's here. Vinny Guadanino's doing stand-up comedy now. Welcome to the business man. GTL used to stand for Jim Tan Laundry. Now it stands for Got 2 or 3 Laffes. - I don't know about that. - Okay. - That one's out. - Got 2 or 3 Laffes. - That's not GTL. Got it. - G got two or three. - G-T-O-T-L. - Yeah, that's not G-T-L, that's G-T-O-T-L. - They like it, put that in the picture. Like, maybe that's not even right. Damn. And then two or three left. And then I'll say, I mean, that's a good, making fun of him for doing standup is like, go down that angle. - That's a good one, because that is pathetic. - Yeah, and I was, for years, you were the one who had the most dignity and now you're doing standup. - Now you're doing standup. - Yeah, and I feel like he always was a high horse. - Right. - That he used to pretend he was the best one of them. - Right. - And it's like, whenever you do standup comedy, whenever you start standup in your 40s, you either just committed, or you're like, you have like tax issues. - Yeah, there's no other thing. - Well, that's what I was gonna say. I was like, and Mike, the situation, G-T-L, means grant after order, tax evasion lawyers. - Okay, again, you don't understand how acronyms work. (laughing) You keep adding things to G-T-L. (laughing) - Grant the auto tax evasion. - Maybe that's the angle. - You all just keep saying like shit. - That's not the next auto. - G-T-A-T-L. - Yeah, that doesn't make sense. I'll do that. - All right, then I'll make fun of MTV. I said, guys, I'm a millennial. I remember pre-internet when MTV was really for masturbating to rap videos and trying to finish while one of the dancers was on screen. - Okay, like that. - That is my experience. - Right, it needs a little bit more. - What were some of your favorite videos to jack off to? - Yeah, one that comes to mind immediately for me is the PD Pablo. "How you like it, daddy?" - Yeah. - Remember that one? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - There was that girl in the blue. I actually followed her to this day on Instagram. - Yeah. - She's so hot. - Jack, jerk off to the Biggie Smalls videos. Was it when he's dancing in the mansion? One more chance, maybe? I forgot that. - These are generated. We're slightly different ages. So I think this is, I think, I listen to a lot of Biggie's music. I never caught the videos. I was much more in the, I jacked off the Britney Spears videos. I jacked off to, like I said, PD Pablo. - Yeah, Drew held the Thong, Sisko's the Thong Song song. - From Baltimore. - Yeah. - So I have some real pride from that. It was very funny because I was in third grade where the Thong Song came out and our people were proud, but it was the Thong Song. - Right. - I think that, what was the kid's Bob version of the Thong Song? Can you guys look that up? There was one that they played in our house. - Really? - Yeah. - All right. Why don't you look at what about this one? But listen, you guys all did pretty great. I mean, great careers, families, product lines. Meanwhile, Britney Spears is an empty mansion covered in dog shit, trying to stab Ghosts in her underwear. - Where is Britney? - I don't know. Why are you doing Britney? - I'm just saying, they're not doing better than Britney Spears. - Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what do you think of that? - Why Britney, bro? - Yes. I'm just getting her in there. This is good for you. You need to feel this. - Ronnie looks like a sun-dried garlic knot. - I like that. - There we go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Let's get back to basics. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know, Snooki, some Oompa Loompa, she's pretent, she's not even attest. She's adopted. - Yeah. - Go that angle. - She's something about her family, the one Italian family, you know, not racist. - The adopted, she's not even Italian, she's Latino, that's why ISIS here. - No, okay. - The first idea. - The first idea is not often the best, but you're getting the ball roll. - Yeah, yeah. - Something Latino, yeah. I mean, yeah, we could shit on Vinnie for doing stand-up. - Absolutely, that's a big deal. - Like, you know, what else do we got? I got, yeah, see, I mean, I've wrote some real, you know, a couple of few stinkers. - Are any of them, or whatever, is Ronnie still, who's he, are they together or still? Is anybody okay? - No, Sammy, Sammy is the one that, not there. Like God away, like she's the one that got out, she's not a part of it. - Okay. - So that she's good. - Yeah. - So you could either, you could take a tack to either shitting on her or saying how she's the only one who escaped. - No, or I should just cancel it. - Yeah, it's not from what I've heard so far. - I would cancel it. - At this point, actually, can I get out of it? (laughing) - Yeah, hopefully. - Like, is there a way? Is there a way at this point? How, what would you do if you were me? You don't want to do it. You're now realizing you don't cancel 100%. But your name has been billed. I didn't sign a contract yet. - Okay. - Or maybe I did, actually. (laughing) - I mean, it's not my fault. - I thought what would I do? I would probably just hire writers to get out of this. - Right. - I would just be like, all right, I'm doing the gig. Pay somebody fucking, you know, 10 grand, who's good at this shit. - Yeah. - To, you know, pay some real money for some good writers and just get some banger jokes. We could even workshop some stuff. If it wasn't, you know, if it wasn't sprung on me, I could have maybe wrote you some jokes. - Helped you some stuff. - Off the top of my head, I would talk about, you know, classic steroids. - Yeah. - You know, like what's up with this situation's face? - Yeah. - This, you know, the, maybe he was too, the situation had so much plastic surgery. It wouldn't even have been in jail. - Right. - Maybe something like that. - Off the top of my head. - He couldn't even get one in jail. (laughing) - Yeah, something like, like the Jersey Shore has done to New Jersey what COVID did to Wuhan. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Things like that. - What Israel's doing to Palestine. (laughing) - Yes, what Israel's doing. (laughing) The Jersey Shore did to Italian culture what Israel is doing to God's hospitals. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, that's pretty good. - That's good. - I don't know if the politics of the room will align. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But God's in hospitals. (laughing) - God's in hospitals, Israel. (laughing) - Uh, Jersey Shore. (laughing) - COVID. (laughing) - Yeah, good stuff, man. - Yeah. - Yo, what was the one, plastic surgery? - Couldn't even get locked in jail. - Yeah, I don't know. - I would just, I would get something about him being locked in something about, what about New Jersey? - What about Paulie D's from Providence? His hair spiked up, he's a DJ. - There is something, like he for a long time was the coolest one of them. - Yes. - And it's the clock's even taking on him. - Yes, even he's kind of like getting, you know, like is there a Neutrogenic or something? - Oh yeah, he's gonna start doing like, - Yeah. - The Neutrogenic. - Cialis commercial. - Yes, something like that. - Paulie D. - Paulie D. - Eugenics, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, Neutrogenics. - Eugenics for Guitos. - But is there a way, is there a way like, how do I make fun of me? Like how do I make, how do I maintain a sense of, - Sure. - Likeability and endearing, you know, 'cause in my standup, I'm always making fun of me. - That's all I can't, so that's like a thing that I don't wanna come off as like someone superior to them. I mean, something about how you wish you were in Jersey, sure. - Yeah, you're my auditioned, actually. - Thank you for it. - Yeah. - That's funny right there. - Yeah, I actually-- - You're like, you're like, here's how bad my career's going. I auditioned for Jersey Shore. - Yeah. - I wish I was getting roasted by one of, I wish one of you. I wish Vinny was the shitty comic roasting me instead of me being the shitty comic roasting him or something like that. I don't know. - Something like that. - Probably, you could talk about how much better, how much better, what your Jersey Shore experience used to be. - Right. - These guys used to be the Kings of the Jersey Shore. I would go there, you know, get shit in my pants, whatever. - Yeah, you guys made all this money and did all this great work off the Jersey Shore, and I used to go to the Jersey Shore and do Soul Joel's comedy club. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like that. I would bomb much like I'm bombing here. - Yeah. - That good stuff. - Yeah, and then, yeah, something. And then there's, but I know you mean, what tone-- - Well, you want to be loving. - Well, here's the problem, too. Here's what it is, is this thing, they have like Rachel Feinstein is on it, and a couple other comics, but they have this bill. This went out, the marketing, this went out, the Jersey Shore roast featuring Christopher now. So I'm the last one up, and it's this whole thing where like Vinnie's coming in, like, okay, you guys thought that was good, wait, now I'm bringing in the closer, and it's me. - And you have to pretend you got some kind of disease. - You think I have to get out of it now? - I would try and get out of it. You're the last guy. - The last, I mean, you know, who else is on it? Rachel, all I know is Rachel Feinstein like Eric D'Alessandro is the only one I know. You're literally the worst spot you could possibly be. - Yeah, this is actually not, yeah, look, what is it? - You're the only person advertised on this. - So, along with more surprise guests, comedy star, a very special, and don't miss a very special performance from comedy star, Chris Stefano. - I mean, could I, I mean, listen, dude, at the end of the day, I mean, we could do it, you know, I'm in control here, if I don't want to do it. - Yeah. - I don't have to do it. (laughing) But the question is, should I just do it? Yeah, I would just work a lot harder on it than what you have so far. - Yeah, but fortunately you said yes. You can't back out of it now. But what I could do, here's the thing, here's the thing. I've never asked, I've never been the guy, you know, you and I have been friends a long time. I've never asked you to like do- - Right, a combo jokes. - Right, a combo jokes, yeah. - I've never, so could I go into my friend group, you, Sam Moral, Mark Norman, Heavy Hitters, Colin Quinn, and say, guys, Colin Quinn definitely. - I just need some help. - Could you imagine texting Colin? Hey Colin, I'm in a real tight jam. I'm writing, I can't figure out jokes to roast the Jersey Shore wins. Can you help me? - Yeah. - One of the fucking best comics in life. - Yeah, who's doing like historical one man plays? You're like, I need jokes about steroids and botched plastic surgery. I'm too stupid to come up with them. Can you help me? - Yeah, can you imagine what we would say to you? - Yeah, he would be texting him. - I'm furious, he wouldn't be furious. - But I think you could definitely ask, but you should also go to the people that like, 'cause here's the other thing. Here's another reason I don't really like these roasts. It's everyone hires writers. - Right. - It's not genuine. - Right. - It's like, it's who has the better relationship with writers. And so, I, you know, you could go to people who've been like, what I would do is just, if I were in your position, I would just get writers because this is, you, if you do these, these shows, you kind of have to get right, you write your own stuff, obviously, but go to the best, you know, Mike Lawrence did it for years. Yeah. JP McDade. You should honestly. Zach Amico. Zach Amico. But I'm telling you, JP, I mean, you might not be able to get it because JP is probably writing for the Golden Globes right now. But you should go to like some of the bed and at least get a little brainstorming session going, you know, unfortunately, this is not one you can wing. You gonna, cause if it was stand up, but they said, hey, go out there and do something to stand up. I know what I'm doing. Yeah. I have sets based on that. I can jump to the crown. But this is your behind the podium. You have to inspecting roast roast and going last, all the, all the low hanging fruit has been taken early. Yeah. Like the best spot to go in a roast is like second or third or fourth. Yeah. Like right in the middle, but when people aren't too tired, someone goes first, they get the worst spot. And it almost feels like if you're going to be the last guy on the roast, like who they wanted, like, you need to get someone like a Jeff Ross, like someone who really want a Jeff Ross. And they could not, they couldn't get him and then, and then shows didn't answer them. And there was definitely a lot of your first, my first red flag on why I should have said no to this is the initial offer came from Dino who owns a club called Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. So that is the first problem when Dino was the club where they threw a fucking beer can at Ariel Elias. He was voting for Biden. Yes. She said, I voted for Biden. And they threw a full beer can at her head. Yes. And that's the guy who said, we need to step for now. And I said, you know, I'm here for you, Dino, baby. So honestly, good club, great club, great pop stuff. But there is a point now where I've reached we, we are now very close. And it is at the point now where do I just say, I'm not doing it. I feel like it is too late. Do I just say at this point, do I need, what is this going to do from my career other than making you work? It's worth the job. Yeah. I mean, no, no, you aren't in a no win situation. And now all you can do is not lose, right? That's basically what it's come down to. So it's, but don't embarrass yourself, but your point is is, because they're going to tape, they're probably going to tape this. It's going on the show, this is going on MTV, the Jersey Shore, you'll be immortalized. Luckily, no one really gives a fuck anymore. Yeah. The Jersey Shore. Now, but you think at this point, although I have watched a couple of the reunion, because it's very nostalgic. Yeah. Because you're in that age. Yeah. I can, I think the first season of Jersey Shore before, because afterwards it was kind of spoiled by celebrity, but that first season where no one knew who they were and they were so desperate for fame, but they were their legitimate selves before outside influences, forced them to act a little different. One of the best seasons of television ever. Yeah. It's a fascinating social experiment. I love it. I remember why it was like fucking appointment doing, I was in college and he would just get, it was like a perfect pre-game show to go out and not get any personal whatsoever. But you know, and since then, it's still interesting to check in on them. It's a little spoiled by fame, the whole thing, but it is a, you know, it still is a show people care about. So it will become, best case scenarios, you bomb so hard that they just cut the whole thing from the show. Yeah. That they're just, all they show is fucking Vinnie. Yeah. But then I'm contractually obligated to get that money, but then I can just leave. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So your two options are try hard, hire some writers to help you bounce some ideas or go full kamikaze. Yeah. So you know, say so many, do it in blackface so they can't show it on MTV. Interesting. Do it in blackface. Write the N word across your chest. But with that crowd, they'll be like, this is why we love this guy, my ticket skyrocket. Yeah. Dude, I don't, yeah, I, yeah, unfortunately, it's just one of these things where I just, I, I should have, I was convinced by my agent, of course, convinced I got, I got, yeah, my agent just came in and said, this is what it is, do it because my initial, if I would have been taking the words going to 2026, if it ain't a hell, yes, no, I would not be in this situation. So this is example number one, if it ain't a hell, yes, it's a no, because doing New Year's even read back New Jersey, despite my family being upset about it, it's still a hell, yes, to hell, yes. It's still a hell, yes. So I'm okay with that. Okay. Yeah. I wouldn't, it's still a hell, yes. It's still a hell, yes, because it's the money. It's easy. You're going to be mad at me anyway, you know, might as well make some money, might as well not even try to make them happy. Yeah. I'm going to fail anyway. Anyway. That's, now that's a winner's attitude. But I, I do think that this one, this Jersey, as a matter of fact, why don't, you know, some of the fans of Two Bears One K, can you send in some roast jokes for me? Help me out. Yeah. Help me out. Yeah. I mean, it could be, you know, I mean, Tom and Bert, didn't, yeah, when they were the last year, right? Yeah. So I'm going to, I'm going to. But that's exactly what I mean. It's like, I thought that roast was fun. And like, I think it was good to try and do something different. But that's my point about these things being so strange is like, it's like, you don't fucking know Tom Brady. No. You know, you don't fucking know the Jersey Shore. Like, if you were doing the, if we were doing the roast of Joe Derosa, you know, fun that would be. Oh, because we're his friend. And, you know, he is. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like, that's why I hate these fucking, you know, that's why I hate these fuck. Yeah. I just think these roasts are so, I don't know. I mean, who am I to fucking say? I mean, I put out crowdware clips, which are fucking low, lowest common denominator stuff. Yeah. But it's just like, I even though I haven't really done them for a year, but I think if you're really good at them, they're, and again, there are people who are really good at crafting very specific roast jokes, but I think for the most part, it's like pretty paint by numbers like, you know, pick what this person is. If they're, if they're a woman, call her a whore, you know, she had a black boyfriend talk of, be racist. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's really just the lowest common denominator when you don't have a personal relationship. But, you know, the Jersey Shore, I feel like that will fly. Be racist, be racist. Be racist. Well, the thing homophobic. So the buckets we can look for is make fun of Vinny Guanand, you know, for doing stand up. That's the big one. That's the one. Yeah. And all of them for plastic surgery make Vinny, Vinny to his credit, I think has a natural face. Yeah. Natural face. Make fun of snooki for being small and like, you know, adopted and wanting something about her birth parents. You. She's small. She's small. Yeah, snooki were her birth parents snooki was really small and she's been ex communicated by the Italian culture. She's like our doctor Fauci. Some doctor calling her doctor Fauci. She's doctor Fauci, your doctor Fauci. What do you mean? Isn't he Italian? He is Italian, but he's been ex communicated because he made up COVID. Right. Right. Right. Right. I see someone still gets their news from the statin island examiner, the statin island advance. So, so I'm thinking maybe that's the angle. Here's an angle there. Uh, DJ Polly D actually is a very successful DJ. Yeah. Very successful. Polly is the one who really finessed it the right way. He did well. Yeah. Yeah. He should be being a fucking, I guess there's old DJs. Yeah. He still do his hair the same way. Yes. The same way that, you know, it's kind of, can we look up DJ Polly D today? Yeah. Let's take a look. I saw, I think, I mean, yeah, I believe he had a hot girlfriend or wife too. Yeah. DJ. The hair. Yeah. That hair is crazy. How does he keep that up? Yeah. I got to be honest. Even like, you know, seeing these guys, I just, it's almost like I respect them. I respect the show. I don't actually want to be a part of this. Oh, yeah. Is that his wife? Hell yeah, dude. Shout out to DJ Polly D. Hot black wife. Oh, gorgeous. Oh, there you go. There's some jokes right there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, God. Why do I get myself into this? Yeah. Look up Jersey Shore now. Let's look at their faces. But, you know, I got to get an outfit. Yeah. I mean, the situation's face. The situation's good. Do you want us hot? Absolutely. That's the thing. It's like I actually, you know, I also don't want to make fun of girls. I know. That just doesn't work. I mean, Roddy looks like shit. Yeah, it's just fucking great. Sun dried garlic. Not as good. Yeah. Yeah. That is really good. Okay. Ronnie does look, Ronnie looks like a fucking like, right? Looks like a, who's that? Who's that? Like, I don't know if she's trans or what, but that Italian lady with a husky voice? Big Ange. I think big. Yeah. I think it looks like big Ange. Yeah. Who's dead? It looks like big Ange right now. Yeah. There we go. We got one. We got one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ronnie looks like big Ange with a shape up. Yeah. Yeah. Big Ange. There's another, there's another like, there's another like Italian sort of person who looks like this. There was a clip. There's a clip of them that goes viral. I don't, I don't remember. Maybe that's a bit. I come out for seven minutes and I just shit on Ronnie. Yeah. And then I go, the rest of you guys are all right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure they've been arrested, what, you know, I'm sure Ronnie's been arrested for stuff. Just look up their rap sheets, look up all this other stuff. Honestly, Snooki has maybe done the best. She's done the best. Which is. There's a joke right there. Yeah. That's, yeah. You were the most pathetic one when I started. You actually figured it out. You figured it all out. You've done, you've done the best out of, out of all of us actually. Yeah. I always love, I mean, I, I did love them though the, that first, that first season was truly, truly a legendary season of television. And so unfortunately, I'm going to have to go on the internet, Google, look, stop, pop. This is what you'll have to do. Does Angelina looking good these days? I don't know. Angelina does look good. Yeah. Oh, that bitch, what was her name? Dina. Dina. When she, the one who got kicked out, didn't want it, which one of them was like, they came late, like they got kicked off and got replaced. I think Dina was a replacement. Dina replaced Angelina. Of the Sammy? Sammy sweetheart, I believe. And there wasn't there one who was just the front, he was just the, Sammy sweetheart, actually got out of that and it's just like a regular girl. Sammy, you're right, Angelina is the one I'm thinking of. Sammy's pretty hot too. Sammy, Sammy just got out. Sammy sweetheart got out of the Jersey Shore. Now she just looks like a girl who has sex with her students. (laughing) A teacher who has sex with her students? Yeah, that's good. All right. Something like that. You'll figure it out. I think the thing is, I won't. No, you won't, and you have to fucking hire people to help you. Yeah, that's, that might be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you, if it goes wrong. Yeah. Yeah, this is, yeah. But par for the chorus, we talked about that. Your whole career has been a series of near, near misses. Yeah, so close. So maybe this is being able to touch the thing. Yeah. And then then like, nope. Sorry, sorry. Sammy looks like a teacher who has sex with her students. Yeah. Folks, you see how we said we were going to do the worst episodes ever. Yeah. This is a writing session for one of the shittiest comedy shows that anyone's ever going to put on. Yeah. The most of the Jersey Shore at the fucking board battle. Yeah. Yeah. And we're making companies put ads on this piece of shit hour. (laughing) We're going to miss our flight back to New York. Trying to come up with jokes about how snookie has chlamydia. (laughing) Fuck it. Yeah, man. Well, I mean, you know what? What are you going to do for New Jersey? What's your plans? No shows. No shows. I hate comedy shows. Here's the thing. They're often pay really well because it's an event. But no one, I don't want to say this to people listening because we have a lot of comedy fans and a lot of, when you're coming up, new years of really lucrative gig because people pay a lot of money for like a dinner and drinks package or whatever. And they'll go see whatever. But nobody actually wants to be at a comedy show on New Jersey. Most people don't. They want to be, they get there and they think it's a fun idea, but it's people who don't really go to comedy shows and not there for the comedy. They think it's like, oh, that guy will do his comedy while we talk and laugh and have fun. They're not there to actually see the show. So you just have to prepare for it to be the worst show of all time. Yeah, and I'm doing two of them. One at eight and one at 10. Ooh. At least the eight maybe people will listen. The eight will be like pre-gaming for them. The 10 will be, you're getting the audience that's coming to that are people who are already legit hammered and people, why the time I start to get into my clothes are, they're looking after watch. Like, I need to get somewhere to watch the ball drop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get off stage right now. One time I saw, I did see Louis on New Year's Eve in Baltimore back in the day with my college. Before his career blew up, before it was like Louis, Louis. It was kind of right in the middle of it. Yeah. And it was really funny. Like, he was just like looking at his phone and he was like, all right, it was New Year's. Yeah. It was kind of fun. Yeah. Everyone was looking at 11, 15. I was like, all right, that's it. And they were like, see you up. Yeah. And he just literally got off at 12. Got it. Yeah. It was pretty killed all before it. Yeah, killed, killed. Yeah. Yeah. Really, it was cool to fucking see him there. But lyric theater, was it? Maybe the one bigger than the lyric. Oh, okay. So like the Meyer Hall for some shit. Yeah. Five thousand. The lyric's pretty big. There's like 2500. Yeah. Which I love that place. We're out. I will be going back. We're, we're figuring out the specifics of it. Ooh. Little hint for, for, yeah, little something might have something very special planned. Oh. He's good. Who knows? Who knows? You're roasting the Ravens. Yeah. What would you do if that? No, okay, here. What about this? Diehard Baltimore Ravens fan. What would you do if Harbock called you in? I was like, I want you to like the teams in the Super Bowl. I think a roast of them would really get them in good spirits and have fun loosening them up. Would you do that? I would. And the way I would do it is, like I said, I would just hire writers. But I would also, because it's the rate, if it was like going into the Super Bowl, I would lightly shit on them. And then more than anything, I would just make fun of the other teams. Yes. Like, you know what I mean? I would call Ben Rothsberger. Yes. I would, you know, I would maybe. Yeah. I would, I would do, I would call Deshawn Watson. Oh. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, that's kind of pretty easy to make those jokes about the NFL. Yeah. You know, I would stay away from murder, yeah, that really wouldn't be a topic I would bring up around. I would be sensitive to that. I, he had his name cord, the American criminal justice system worth the wait. And he was acquitted as was Kevin Spacey. Ray Lewis didn't have to come out of the closet. I loved Kevin Spacey's like, I'm gay now. Yeah. That was so funny when Kevin Spacey was like, oh, yeah, I'm actually gay. So yeah, I guess it's okay that I. I know. And then he kept coming back and doing those like, in character videos, those were crazy. He did one for Tim Dylan. Yeah. I mean, Tim is so funny. Yeah. You got to, you got to tip your cap to Tim for employing an out of work and it says, I'm a broad road in a question, said which of you winter bears is going to do a solo guest bear episode first and who would be the guest? Oh, so they want us to just fully do the podcast. They want us to take over as do the people running the network. The legal team is right outside that door. They're going to show for us to our flight. Well, it's very funny because they don't even want to make eye contact with the producers here. They don't even let them. They talk through iPads. Yeah. They're behind the wall. They can't be seen. They don't want to have an actual relationship. And by the way, this is a huge operation, if you ever get, you know, if any of the fans ever know. I mean, this is a huge thing. They have multiple employees. There are one ad sponsor away from pulling out where Benson Spoon's getting fired, where they don't have the money for his salary anymore, where they will do our idea to start prostituting out Benson Spoon. Yeah, this is going to go. This is going to go from this, you know, went from LA to Austin, out in this huge warehouse facility. They have all these beautiful cameras and green screen equipment and all that. And then eventually little by little, it's going to wind up just as a live show at the mother's ship. It's going to open for kill Tony, that's what it'll be. And that'll be the glory. That'll be beautiful. That'll be a beautiful thing. Yeah. Well, I would say one thing, one problem I have with the, if I may do some, you know, we've been the Ombudsman, we've talked about how the show is going. I think the problem with two bears when they have a guest bear, never fat. And the whole, and first of all, Tom has, Tom has betrayed the very idea of the show. And you, to a certain extent, you know, even though in your heart, you're fat, I'd like you to be fat or two. Yes. If I were to do it, it would have to be someone who is fat as shit, you know, and I don't know who, you know, what major, who is out there that merits what obese person, have they had a woman, has it always been, have they ever had a, has there ever been a woman on two bears? And this pat would be perfect, you and this pat, this pat, I don't want to waste that on two bears. That's a stovies world. Yeah. So it can't be too good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need that for my own. Yeah. Yeah. No, this pat's too good. This pat is great. But it's somebody like famous that I, because one funny thing about two bears, it'll be like someone they have no business talking to. Yeah. You know what it means? Why is Matthew McConaughey here? Yeah, they need like a fatty like Eric Stone Street from modern family. You'd be good. Great. You'd be good. Gabriel Inglaceius. Fluffy. You have to chop it up with Fluffy. Sure. Talk about, you know, what, oh, if you think on the Christmas episode, I talk about my, my Chinese order. Do you understand how long me and Gabriel Inglace could go just talking like things we order? I bet you we could uninterrupt it for one hour list foods. Yes. Just keep going. Just, that would actually be fucking awesome. Yeah. I mean, you know, I mean, well, I mean, Louis C.K. That's a good guess. That was a good guess. That's a woman. Okay. But I don't know who the fuck that is. The Undertaker. He's really famous. And this is like a pop. The Undertaker would have been a good episode for, with Bert. You could just give him some tips on, yeah, he's going to die soon. Yeah. Or what the afterlife looks like. Yeah. Some times. James Gunn. That's cool. Oh, that's cool. That's not fat. Oh, fat director, Gilmold Dertoro. Okay. That'll be really funny. Me and Gilmold Dertoro talking about fucking Pan's Labyrinth and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Not that many, not that many fat people. Yeah. You know, Mark Normand is like ripped, so he's not going to work. But yeah, I would say Gabriel and Glacias, for me, because I would want, I would want to keep the other like, they've had Stamos on. That's a dream stop. He's world guest. I got to get him on a Greek show. Yeah. You know, let's get him, let's really, let's really get him in the zone. Yeah. But again, this is, we are, this is our side job. Yeah. We don't, you know, this is like when you're dating someone and you actually see people you respect out in public and then you stop holding hands with them real fast. Right. That's how me and Chris treat this podcast. Yes. We don't want to be identified as this, you know, we post where we are contractually obligated to post and not a piece of content or. Yes. You know, like that couple that got caught having an affair on the cold plane concert. Yeah. That's us. Yeah. That's us with two bears. Yeah. Put our face on those people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I loved you and Chris on two bears if they see us, which people have actually been very nice. Yes. But when they see me and probably I'm like, ah, are you sure? Me? I think that was age fully. Yeah. I think you're thinking of age fully. That was age fully and you're honest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That wasn't us. Now, look, much like the Rose to the Jersey Shore because we're going to, I'm going to have to roast them and also say nice things about them because you had to give respect, respect to us. Of course. Of course. What these Tom and Bird have created is pretty insane. Relax, Chris. What they have is pretty dope. Try and do it a little slow smoother than that. - Let's change the topic and then at the end, let's go back. Obviously we're friends with Bert and Tom, but don't immediately be like, now it's you, I do love that about Rose, we're someone who clearly doesn't have a relationship with someone. We'll be like, you fucked your daughter in the ass, you're a fucking piece of shit. But hey, we love you big guy. - Yeah, I know you don't. - Well I'm just because I'm now trying to really systematically get out of this Jersey short thing and I'm thinking how I can replace that and come is by spring bears locking it in now. (laughing) - That's true, that is true. You're already thinking about spring bears. - Yes. - And we will be back with even lower, if they'll have us, we'll be back with even lower effort. - Oh dude, you know how bad spring bears is gonna be? We started in like March, it's just us with allergies. Oh, just all flow nazed out, tired from Benadrill, just really trying to just shit through four episodes. - I do hope to be, yes, I do hope. That's my New Year's resolution. I'd love to, let's see how far we can push. We should get shitier audio, we should get shitier audio quality. We should use shitier cameras. We should see how low we can take the form of podcasts. That should be our artistic, it's performance art almost. Let's take this medium and really push it to the low. - We're not even in the shot, it's just half our heads. - I like that, we're doing it backwards. We're doing the IDF takes their fucking, takes their ID pictures like this. - I got that for Tom, then you. - The Garth Brooks card. Oh next, that's nice, and I got it for my gift. - See, that's beautiful man. - Oh shit, now I just knocked it over. - Yeah. - We'll say Garth Brooks card. - Because he's got like the thing with Garth Brooks. - I know, but what's the card? - Oh, the card is Garth Brooks played like in a celebrity baseball game and I got it in embroider. So Garth G Brooks, 300 bodies, total Oklahoma. - Yeah, I'm surprised, did Garth sue Tom for that? - I mean, I'm sure he's in, they're in an act of loss here. - I want him to imagine. - Yeah, probably. - Yeah, I'd imagine that. - That's why Tom doesn't ever come back to his house. - Yeah. - He doesn't want to get served papers by Garth Brooks. - Why, Garth, could you imagine? (laughing) - He's just fucking fleeing. - That would actually be the, that should be our guest on two pairs, one, give me a card, Brooks, on. (laughing) He's fat and he just serves a dual purpose. That is the answer to your question. I'm a broad, is the guest would be Garth Brooks. - Garth Brooks. - That is the guest. - That is a good one. - Is the guest. - Bring him in. - That is, and then what else do we got here? - Do we have it, does the booth have any final, a final New Year's thought they want us to do or? - Well, here's a question from Johnny Wee. When I was a kid, I always wanted an AR-15 for Christmas. I unfortunately never got it because I was deem mentally unfit to stand trial. What was the one childhood Christmas gift you always wanted but never got? - Right, you can tell you didn't even pre-read that because we talked about that last episode. - Yes. - It's about Christmas. - There you go. - Because you kind of blew it there. - So there you go. (laughing) - I literally asked you, you had no good answer. That actually might have been the dead spot of the last episode. - Right. - You actually rehashed a topic of discussion that nothing funny came out of. - Right, and that's the kind of work you'll see at the Jersey Shore roast. (laughing) - And you know what, Chris? I salute you because that's the perfect way to end our tenure as for Winter Bears as an unfunny retreaded joke. - Yeah. - My best one was a Gamecube though. I never answered on Christmas. - Okay. - When the game came, I was pretty late. I was pretty, I was older, but it was like me and my brothers, we've never bonded more than we got that Gamecube playing Star Fox in shape. It was a fucking good time. - That's it. - I am excited about 2026. - Good. - I do as much as I make fun of your hell yes or no, how tried and like that's the most like a woman who's been in a sexless marriage for 30 years. And she's embroidering that on a throw pillow as we speak. - By the way, that is how I will end the Jersey Shore roast. It's that quote. (laughing) - I love that when someone is bombing and they try and pretend they're doing an inspirational speech. But anyway, guys, stay up. You guys are the best man, and I love you so much. And if it's, and remember, if it's not a hell yes, it's a no. I'm trying to get the audience to say it with you. - Nobody says it, it's just my kids to speak. (laughing) - Yeah, I'm excited for 2026. I, you know, hopefully the Tom and Bert keep not caring about this show and keep asking us to come in and fill in some time. - Yeah. - We'll be here for spring bears and then summer bears again, fingers crossed. - Fingers crossed, dude. - Fingers crossed, we'll be here. But we love you. Thank you for allowing us to be your substitute teachers for these four weeks. - We really, really rolled out. We really brought out the fucking TV with the cart. - Yes. - The roll cart and we just played Fern Gully. And we called that, that was for, 'cause we're a substitute teaching like environmental science and we just play a cartoon about-- - That's it. - About fucking pollution. - Captain planet, he's already here. - Yeah. (laughing) - We will talk to you got, hey, who knows? Come see us on the road. By the calendar, we have the Stavis world. - Oh, the Stavis baby. - Here it is. (laughing) - I got the calendar, the 2026 calendar for sale now. I'm on the road, the final leg of the dreamboat tour and we're trying to figure out when we're gonna, we're, I'm trying to make plans to film the special at the end of it. So come see this material for the last time live. Stavis.biz. Listen to Stavis' world, all that good stuff. Watch me on YouTube, all that good stuff. - Do it up, do everything Stavis has told you to do. Also listen, history, Hyenas coming at you every Thursday. - And Kristicomedy.com, the only show I have on sale right now is in Charlestown, West Virginia. - Charlestown races in the South-Town racing. Come see the show, I might be doing Vegas in February, but the goal is to stay in the original 13 colonies. And just kind of read, you know, just get freedom back into our seats. (laughing) - Beautiful, that's a beautiful goal. See you guys, bye-bye. ♪ Bird time, time and bird ♪ ♪ One goes top and swap the other wears a shirt ♪ ♪ Time to tell stories and birds, the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call, two bears, one cave ♪