New Wine, Old Identity: Why You Keep Spilling The Life You’re Asking For

[MUSIC] You're listening to "Loaner to Leader," your path to power, passion, and prosperity. Hosted by Eric Mortimer, transformation coach, husband, grandfather, and author of the book, growing a business without sacrificing balance. Are you a man seeking more money, more connection, and to more deeply understand your purpose? Problem is that not all men have the support system necessary to live life with the values, direction, and energy that they desire. This podcast helps you act with integrity, moving in the direction you want, lowering your emotional baggage so you can lead with confidence and certainty, mastering the game. It's your turn. If this sounds like you, this is your podcast. Here's your host, Eric Mortimer. You're a known cell men love the idea of growth, but hate the part where they have to change. They're totally fine with bigger goals and bigger income, better marriage, stronger body, more peace. We just want all of that without messing with the version of us that's already comfortable. It is interesting because if comfort actually worked, most men wouldn't even be listening to this. Real quick, before I go any further, if you don't drink alcohol, relax. I don't drink very much or very often either. This isn't about booze. When I say wine today, mentally swap it out for gambucha or protein shakes or cold, lunch water, whatever you want, whatever is healthy, slightly annoying thing you want. Work with a metaphor, okay? Most guys are work with aren't lazy. They're not stupid. They're not broken. They're actually doing pretty well. They're businesses running, bills are paid, families intact. From the outside, life looks solid. And yet there's this quiet tension underneath. This feeling of I should be further ahead than this. And the usual response is predictable. I just need better systems. I need more discipline. I need a new strategy. I need to optimize my time. It's hilarious because most men don't have a time problem. They have an identity problem. Here's the pattern almost nobody wants to look at. We live our lives backwards. We say, if I have better results, if I do better habits, then I'll finally be confident or disciplined or grounded. It sounds logical and is completely wrong. The order always works the same way. You be first, then you do, then you have. Identity drives behavior. Behavior produces results. Reverse it and you spend your life frustrated, busy and secretly resentful. And this isn't just some modern self-help idea. Jesus said the same thing, just without the whiteboard. He said, "You can't pour new wine into old wine skins." Again, wine, kombucha, whatever stay with me here. Jesus' time, wine skins were leather containers. New wine expands as it ferments. A new wine skin stretches and old wine skin doesn't. It's already been pushed to its limit. So if you pour new wine into an old wine skin, one of two things happens. Either it leaks or it bursts. And notice something important here. The wine wasn't the problem. The container was, you know, what does that have to do with life? And modern language hears what Jesus was saying. You can't pour new responsibility into an old identity. You can't sustain new results with the same way of being that produced your current ceiling. And this is where most men get stuck. They keep asking for new outcomes, like more money, more freedom, better marriage, more peace, while protecting the same identity that created the mess they're quietly tolerating. You ever notice how men will say things like, "Man, I just need more discipline," which is hilarious because you never once said that about brushing your teeth. No more wakes up. Most men don't lack discipline. They lack honesty. Because if discipline was a problem, you wouldn't somehow find the time to scroll Instagram for 47 minutes at a time. Watch YouTube videos titled, "How to finally get focused or to do research that looks suspiciously like avoidance." You don't have a discipline problem. You have an old wine skin problem. The old wine skin is the version of you that says things like, "I don't have time." That's just not me. I already know that. I'll get to it when things slow down. Which is adorable, because things have never slowed down in the history of time. Ever. If anything, life heard you say that and went, "Oh, cool. That's had kids." This is where the parasite lives. Remember the parasite? Not in big dramatic figures, but in tiny negotiations, whisper things like, "You've learned to break. Tomorrow will be better. You're busy doing important things." The parasite loves productivity, because productivity like progress without requiring transformation. That's why you can be exhausted without actually moving your life forward. Look at your impossible games, your big goals. Inside your health, wealth, relationship, or spirituality, or we like to call them body being balanced in business. You already know what to do and all four. You don't need new information. You need a new identity that actually does the information. Because right now, your old, wine skin handles pressure like this. Inside your body, you say, "We'll start next week. He will not." Inside your being, "I already know that translation. I don't want to feel exposed." Inside your balance, your relationships. I'm doing this for my family, while being emotionally unavailable to your family. Inside your business, "I'm just really busy." Translation, "I'm avoiding the one hard conversation." And then the wine keeps spilling. When the new opportunity shows up, more responsibility, more money, more influence, more pressure, you don't rise to the occasion. You revert to identity. Your identity is old, rigid, and already maxed out. The Cambucha spills every single time. Letting go sounds noble until you actually do it. Everyone loves the idea of transformation. Right up until it asks them to release the identity that made them feel safe. Ish. Old wineskin may be limiting, but it's familiar. And men love familiar. We'll complain about something for ten years instead of changing it in ten minutes. You know, guys, we'll say, "Man, I hate my job." And then stay there long enough to get a parking spot with their name on it. Old wineskin isn't just habits. It's ego. Ego hates one thing more than failure. Replacement. Ego basically is a security guard protecting an empty building. This is why men rationalize instead of release. I'm just in a busy season here. I'll deal with that later. Now is not the right time I told you, which is fascinating because it's never the right time to deal with the thing that matters most. Letting go feels like death. Feels like death to the version of you that benefited from staying the same. And that's okay because that version of you isn't supposed to survive the next season. All right. Most men ask the wrong question. They ask, "What do I need to do differently?" Or just like saying, "What buttons do I press?" So my life magically improves without me changing as a human. The real question is simpler and way more annoying. Who do I need to be to hold what's next? The new wineskin isn't a tactic. It's not a routine. It's not a checklist you forgot by Thursday. The new wineskin is an identity under pressure. The old wineskin wakes up and asks, "How do I feel?" Today, the new wineskin wakes up and says, "What's required?" The old wineskin waits for motivation. The new wineskin doesn't even know what motivation feels like. It's already moving. The life you're asking for comes with more weight, more leadership, more decisions, more emotional responsibility. And if your identity collapses, every time pressure shows up, you won't grow. You will self-sabotage. You know, you don't need more success and success turns you into a slightly richer version of the same stressed out guy. You know, all right. Your decision. Once you see this, you can't unsee it. You don't get to pretend. The problem is tactics that you don't get to pretend that problems tactics are time or motivation because now you know the truth. It's capacity. Guilters won't fix this. Guilters never made anyone wake up earlier. It's already will. So here's the decision. You can't keep carrying the old wine skin and keep negotiating with the same excuses. Or you can become someone who can actually hold the life that you keep asking for. This is what the decision looks like. Decision looks like getting up 15 minutes earlier. And what's required, having the conversation you've been avoiding, leading yourself before leading anyone else. I want to pause that, but that's how the containers change. New wine can boot you in whatever is coming. The only question is whether you're willing to become someone who can hold it.