Never Let Go - Garrett Schwarz

all right so it's the year 2000 I'm a high school senior and I'm visiting York College it's the morning in January and my parents and the admissions counselor were walking on the sidewalk in between McGee and the Ark in the first student I come across at York College is this girl this tall blonde haired girl wavy blonde hair blue eyes and the admissions counselor stops and introduces me in this girl has joy that I have never seen before she's so funny and welcoming and nice and she she talks to me and she's like you should come to York it's a great place and she leaves and goes to class and I lean over to my parents this is a true story and I tell my parents I'm gonna marry that girl someday true story first student I ever met at York College I'm a senior in high school I know that's the girl I'm gonna marry so we continue our campus tour we go to chapel chapel finishes and I run back in to Jenna and she looks at me she's like hey Garrett how's your campus visit going and I kid you not I don't miss a beat I look straight into her blue eyes and I say you had me at hello no joke I thought I just dropped the best line in the history of lines I said you had me at hello I stole from Jerry McGuire some of you probably haven't even seen that but it was the best moment ever and I I waited and I looked into her blue eyes like what kind of response am I gonna get and I'm waiting and and you know that response that girls give you when they're disgusted it's kind of like they they tuck their chin into their chest and into that was the face I got so I finished my campus tour I went home and I loved York I loved to visit obviously I wanted to come here because there was a woman that I had to marry so I came back in the fall and I will tell you that Jenna and I went on a date that fall and it was the worst date we've ever been on it's a story for another time I'm not gonna dive into that but I want you to know that something happened to Jenna two months after I had visited her at York College she had gone home for Christmas her mom had been just recently diagnosed with cancer lung cancer a professor Lewis mentioned this briefly last week and Jenna went home for Christmas break thinking that her mom was beating cancer she was under the impression that she was she was doing well and that she was gonna to to beat cancer and survive and live live longer well in March of 2000 just a couple months after I met her her mom passed away with lung cancer and I mentioned the joy that I saw from Jenna the first time I met her I will tell you that some of that joy was chipped away after that loss Jenna and I end up getting married in 2003 we have kids right away I'm gonna jump to 2006 her dad works at York College great man he starts to tell us that when he's on walks his brain is telling his foot to move but it won't move and then when it does it like flops and we don't we don't understand like wow we don't know what that is well he was diagnosed eventually with ALS Lou Gehrig's disease it's a terrible disease there's no cure your life expectancy is two to five years and it affects your limbs it's a muscle killer and Kimble passed away in 2009 to ALS so my wife is a teenager loses her mom to cancer she's now in her mid-20s loses her dad to ALS and some more joy is chipped away in 2013 I start to live a double life I've shared some of my story in in Dr. Best and Dr. Sears class I start to betray my vows I destroy my marriage I destroy my wife I destroy my kids and we've gone through a lot of counseling great counselors out there we've gone through a lot of trust rebuilding but I destroyed her no no woman grows up thinking I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna be hurt by the one person who I love so you can imagine the amount of joy that is chipped away from my wife now so I'm gonna jump to 2022 my wife is told that she has a brain tumor so she has to have her skull opened up and the tumors at the top which is actually a good thing because they can they have access to it they don't have to dig into the brain and they can they can remove it and it was about that big the problem is is when you have a brain tumor you can't just go in and remove the whole thing because obviously you don't want it to affect the way that you talk the way that you think the way that you walk so that you can't get the whole tumor when it's your brain so we have the she has the the removal of the tumor the surgery and she's told it's successful thank thank the Lord it was successful but she's told I just want you to know that this tumor is likely to come back it's the makeup that it's it's gonna regrow a little bit more joy has been taken from my wife in 2023 she starts having major headaches she can't exercise she can't bend over she can't really do anything because the the major headaches in the back of her head has nothing to do with the brain tumor we find out eventually after two years that her spinal fluid is leaking I have a video of a vein shooting spinal fluid out of out of it doesn't sound like much but when you see the MRI what what happens is if you're leaking spinal fluid your brain starts to sag in this canal we had MRI pictures showing her brain sagging because spinal fluid holds your brain up so it took two years of her dealing with constant major headaches she couldn't exercise she couldn't do anything they had to glue off all the veins near that area to prevent the leak from happening that's some more joy that she's lost I want to tell you that my wife has questioned God on many times on many occasions think she said she's asked God why am I being punished what did I do to deserve this why am I curse haven't I dealt with my fair share of things can I get a break do you love me God if so why do things keep happening to me imagine the trauma the wounds that I've given her the wounds that she's had to deal with from the the loss of her parents she didn't she didn't do anything she didn't like cause any of this to happen she just it just happened to her and I will tell you a lot of her joy was replaced with fear she's a human a lot of her her her joy was replaced with fear she wants to have joy she wants to love but she's definitely afraid of being abandoned and not chosen I want to share with you a really short story about a Bible character in the Old Testament named Jacob his life was filled with deceit struggles and failures but get this it's this one night it says Jacob was left alone in a man wrestled with him till break daybreak so it's nighttime and he's wrestling with a man till daybreak I watch these guys wrestle and girls wrestle at Freeman after two and three periods their gas I'm gas watching it you can you imagine wrestling grappling with somebody from night till daybreak when the man saw that he could not overpower him he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled the man then the man said let me go for it is daybreak but Jacob replied I will not let you go Jacob is wrestling he's he's refusing to let this man go his hip is wrenched it's dislocated he says I will not let you go until you bless me the man asked him what your name Jacob answered this is key listen to this then the man said your name will no longer be Jacob but Israel and he says this because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome you've struggled with God and within humans and have overcome Jacob said please tell me your name but he replied why do you ask my name then he blessed him there so Jacob called the place pinnacle saying it is because I saw God face to face and yet my life was spared Jacob grappled with God from night till daybreak and refused to let go he was outmatched the guy touched the man touched Jacob's hip and it was dislocated but Jacob's like I ain't letting go until you bless me I know I'm outmatched I'm refusing to let go of you I'm gonna wrap up but I want you to know I understand some of you have dealt with similar tragedies as my wife some of you have lost a loved one have been hurt by somebody else and you may question God you may wrestle with God and that's okay Jacob wrestled with God but I want you to understand a couple things God understands your suffering he watched his son crucified for you and I he understands it he weeps with you when you hurt you may question God and you may wrestle with God but here's the thing whatever you do do not let go do not let go of him my wife still has joy my wife has wrestled with God on many occasions but she hasn't let go and she never will thank you