Navigating Fights w Your Partner, Outfit Problems, & Burnt Toast Theory

(upbeat music) Lemonado. (upbeat music) - Welcome to "Inner Childish." Side effects include laughing too hard and unexpected emotional growth. - Wait, is this just like we're just doing it? We're just doing the thing. - How should we start? (laughing) (upbeat music) - Guys, Aubrey and I start talking so much before the episode starts that we've had to create a role where when we get on this, we're not just speaking 'til it starts. No, we operate in silence. Today I did come on and she was singing ♪ And if you're there to find me ♪ ♪ Look to the western sky ♪ - Which was fine. I felt like that was fine. Sometimes you just have to rip the wicked soundtrack. It's like you just feel it in your bones and you have to do it. I started with a wizard and I. It's shuffled to defying gravity. I just couldn't turn it off. - There was a period where I was running to that at the gym, like a true Thespian theater kid. That was-- - She got me going. - The moment, like those two years that wicked was coming out, I saw someone say the devastation that this fall were not getting like a wicked three. - January, what do I have to live for anymore? - Truly. - I remember tracking that when they announced the cast, like, so the fact that we've seen both movies, do you ever do that where you think about like, oh my God, in the future, I'm gonna have seen this thing. - So this is such a youth thought. This is such a youth thought. I already know where you're going with this and I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm just like, I don't give a-- - I don't give a future. - Wait, because this theory, if you lose something, it exists somewhere, theory. It's out there somewhere. I'm like, that's so true. - I mean, but that frustrates me. Like, for example, let's say I lost a ring, like that ring didn't evaporate. Like, is it stuck behind a dresser for the next 20 years? Was it accidentally thrown away and it's in the bottom? Like, it's somewhere. It's somewhere. - While we're at it. - We should tell them about my third theory, which this one's actually a good positive framework for life. You're gonna know it right when I say it. - Okay. - Is something bad happens? - Like, let's say-- - Oh, I was gonna just see this. (laughing) - Let's say, let's say I sprained my ankle. What if time was paused and I was given the ultimatum or just the choice of you sprain your ankle or this car runs over your leg and you lose it completely? I would be thrilled that my ankle was sprained, you know? So then now it's not back to the present moment and I'm like, oh my God, I chose this and this is so much better than what could have happened. I feel like you were the OG creator of the burnt-toe theory. Do you know what the burnt-toe theory is? - Yeah, it's kind of like the movie The Adjustment Bureau. Like, you're purposely late. - Yes, like you're purposely late, so you like avoided a car accident. Wait, for anyone listening, the burnt-toe theory is like, you know, you put your piece of toast in in the morning, it overcooks and it burns and you're sitting there so frustrated that your toast burned. But really, if your toast hadn't burned, you would have gotten in the car, been 30 seconds earlier and gotten in a car accident, died. So you're supposed to be grateful for all the mishaps in your life. - Holy shit, I was smiling like we're talking about these theories and then you just took it to death and I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, did I take that too far? - I've got to wipe this smile off my face, she just says. - I'm so sorry, the toast you could have died. - But it's about life, it's about, it's a positive, it's like, yay, my toast toast burnt, you know. - The last thing I want to say on this is if you have not seen the movie The Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon and I think it's Emily Blunt, it is so good and it literally is about this. It's about a secret society that works for God in a way and they're called The Adjustment Bureau and they adjust things to keep everyone on their timeline and stick to God's plan, if that makes sense. It's such a good movie. - It would be so for real, I haven't seen that movie. - No, you have, I for sure made you watch that with me growing up. I was gonna say, you or Wood has forced me to watch that for a while. - You would recognize it. - I slept so terribly last night and you know, that's bad for me. - Wait, if Vick doesn't sleep, how long did you sleep like nine and a half hours? - Seven hours and 25 minutes. - I actually, I'm actually gonna, we're gonna end the podcast right here. That's insane. I sleep seven hours a night maybe. - That's so crazy. Everyone's different and has different needs. - I was trying to think back on it. I think it's 'cause I had a matcha at like three o'clock and I have a very, very low caffeine tolerance. It's probably like the second, third mosh I've had in three months. So I think that's what happened. That and then also, can I just start like, can I just start going, can I start venting? You totally, wait, I have something to ask about sleep. Are you having pregnancy dreams? I am having like crazy dreams, yes. I've been waking up at 2.30 in the morning every night, literally with like, premonition dreams that like Hank has climbed out of the window and died. And like, sorry, I didn't mean to talk about death for the second time on the podcast. No, these dreams are insane. And I like, can't go back to sleep, hence my seven hours a night, but it's crazy. That is crazy and very sad. I would, like, those are scary. Mine have been just weird, but not like scary. Like, those sound like nightmares. Some of them are nightmares. They're just like really in depth. Like, they're very vivid. Like, it's in my bed that I'm currently in. And like, oh, we've woken up in the morning and then he, like, it feels like it's happening. And then you just like, flood out your eyes open, you see the max stuffed animal and you're right back there, back in my hellscape. You're back in the hellscape. If you don't get that one, make sure you listen to this psychedelic episode. Well, I'm sorry, you've been having nightmares. I've been having weird dreams, but yeah, I slept terribly. I think it was the matcha, but then I also think I was so exhausted yesterday. It was one of those days where like, come six o'clock. I was like, time for the couch. I can't have another thought. I'm not responding to a text. Like, I have hit end of battery. And then max needed help with some stuff. And I just like want to help him because especially in the fall, he's so busy. Like, I actually have stress just like thinking about his days and like his what he's got to do. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to stay up with him. I'm going to help him with these things he needs. And then I felt like because he was stressed about the fact that he had to get these things in line. And then he was leaving the next morning early. He was being like a little short with me. And at first I was like, okay, it's fine. He's stressed. But then I was like, I'm sensitive. I'm at my low battery. And I snapped and was like, I'm trying to help you. And if world's reverse, I don't think you'd be sitting here doing this with me. And so then then you get in an argument. And then you're subconsciously like, we don't have time to argue. Like we need to be relaxing. We need to be sleeping. I'm like, now I feel bad that like I'm bringing up by emotions. I'm adding more stress. So we had that little moment. We made up. We can't have an argument right now. We just, there's no fucking time to be doing this right now. Like we don't have the time or the emotional capacity to be doing this. And yet here we are. And we know that it's kind of dumb and we're going to make up and like we're still married. So like why even have it? So why are we doing this? What's going on here? I'm saying, yeah, I feel that. Yeah, did you guys have that recently? No, we don't, we don't really, like I threw away his leftovers from last night. And our problem is that like he's like, I'm really bummed you threw away my leftovers. And I'm like so defensive where I'm like, you literally watched me do it. Like you watched me throw away your leftovers. Like if you didn't want me to throw them out, you should have stopped me. He was like, I was focused on filling up your water. And like there's something in me that's like, it takes so much for me to get to like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like that's the only pattern we have. It's like, he's like, hey, you made me feel frustrated. And I'm like, well, you shouldn't be frustrated at me. And then I have to take a step back and be like, I'm sorry, I frustrated you. I'm so glad you brought that up because that part of let's call it like ego, right? Like this pride, like throw it back to this so much to sayers if we get into our Eki terminology. Like it's your ego being like this thing in you that gets really forceful and determined and is like really stubborn and it like takes over. Even though a couple hours later, you may be like, I was being a little hard on them. It wasn't a big deal. Like I've been trying. - I'm such a psychopath. - Yeah. I've been trying really hard to just totally pour water on that like fire. So like the other day, Max and I kind of got in an argument about something. I brought a problem to him like, isn't this so annoying? And he was like, well, I mean, blah, blah, blah. And like kind of defending, yeah. - I don't like your logic. I'm already like Max, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's all we came here for. Continue. - Fully, fully. And he comes in with logic and I was just like so irritated and then after like an hour, I was like, he is so right. Like logically, I'm getting way too worked up. It's my perfectionism in which I thought that the situation was gonna be A, I'm now finding out it's B and I'm short circuiting. It's literally not that deep and we can totally fix it. And so I said to him, I was like, you have to do this Victoria. And it's like so hard coming out. I was like, I'm sorry, I overreacted. You're right. We can do it that way. I just think I get overwhelmed. And what I would have appreciated before the solution was just some validation in like my initial panic, you know? That's a gorgeous sentence. It takes me a really long time to get there. So the fact that you could get there, within a few minutes or a few hours, more power to you, truly. I know, I know. It's so top. And then do you ever feel like there's people who you can totally be like the best version of yourself with? And then there's others who you just simply cannot told what would always is like, he's like, anyone else, any of your friends come to anything of like, hey, this made me feel XYZ when you did this. You are so like, oh my, oh my god, I am so sorry, I cannot believe that. And he's like, and then when I say something, I'm like, I don't know what that is. I don't know why it's so hard to me. It's him and my mom where I just, it's like, I'm so quick to be like the little scrappy fighter. Like, I don't know what it is. Why do you do that with wood? Because I definitely have some of it with max, but not in the way I have like the emotional patterning with my family. Like, it's way bigger with my mom totally. I would say with what it's a much smaller scale. I'm like, it's such a pattern that we almost like, like, we can both catch it in the act and like laugh about it as it's happening. Like about the leftovers. Like, he's like, just say, sorry, I threw away your balls. And I'm like, but you literally watched me. Like, it's like, I have a reason. Like, I want him to understand why I wasn't trying to hurt him, which isn't, which therapy speak that is so not what anyone wants to hear. No one wants to hear why you weren't trying to hurt them. And I'm so aware of that. And it's like, I'm saying sorry as I'm doing it. And I'm sorry. And you watched me do it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Totally. But nothing feels worse than feeling like you kind of like let someone down. Totally. Anyways, I feel like we got so looped around. Keep going with Max's poor football schedule this fall. I just, like, I feel for him. He's such a hard worker. I wanted to talk about that, honestly, because it's so like unique, but layered. But I also feel like people can relate to this if they have partners who have like different jobs or their long distance or if your partner is like in grad school. And it's and they've got tests and whatever. They just have like not a classic nine to five. Correct. Like, yeah. And so, you know, Thursday through Sunday, he's gone calling a game Sunday night. He films four shows for his YouTube Monday and Wednesday night. He is in a studio like 30 minutes the way filming his athletic show. And then during the day of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, he's prepping for the game. He then calls on the weekend. And then Tuesday night is the one night that we get to protect our relationship in our marriage. That is so crazy. That is so crazy. Does he have any time off besides Tuesday? No, he doesn't take one day off. He, he can't like an eye as like a mental health girly, like recharge. It's really hard for me to watch because I just, like, couldn't do it. Max is built different and he locks in and granted. He has so much flexibility. And we know that this is just like the four month marathon in fall. And then January, February, March, we get to go on trips. And we have it so lenient, which we're so grateful for. So it's like in the perspective. It's like four or five month stretch, like just to lock in. But I feel like, especially with the pregnancy and stuff, it's just been like, we're barely into the beginning of football season. But it definitely is like hard. It's tough when you feel like you don't want to bring your emotions to your partner because you don't even feel like they have the bandwidth for them. But then you're not even connecting because like if I suppress that I was frustrated last night, then I feel like we're more distant. And but then if I bring it up, I feel bad that he had to spend 15 minutes tending to that, you know, so I don't know. And I think I'm very tough girl. And then I'm like, this is what we do. Obviously, I'm so happy with him. I love watching his games. I'm so supportive. And I think now in this new stage of life, I'm like, this is hard. This episode of inner childish is brought to you by freestyle. Now that I'm expecting, I have entered the phase of pregnancy where I'm realizing just how many baby products I'm going to have to make decisions about. And diapers are obviously a very important one, considering my baby is going to live in them. So I've been asking friends, doing my research, and one brand that kept coming up was freestyle. What immediately stood out to me is that I don't feel like I have to choose between clean, thoughtful materials and a diaper that actually performs because that part's important. We need everything staying in and freestyle diapers are EWG verified, total chlorine free, fragrance free, and lab tested free of over 1,500 and more chemicals of concern, including PFA's and BPA's. As a soon-to-be mom, I really appreciate knowing exactly what's going to be against my baby's skin all day long. But they're also designed to perform. Their skin shield diapers have seven layers of skin protection to help keep moisture away from baby's skin, plus they have this cloud-like softness that you genuinely notice when you feel them. And I love that they have a stretchy back panel because it lets the diaper flex and contour as your baby moves and grows. Basically freestyle checks the boxes I care about, performance, thoughtful materials, comfort, and a price that actually makes sense. So head to freestyle.world/childish and use code childish to get 30% off your first three months of freestyle diaper subscription. That brings your first three months down, just $49 a month. Again, that's freestyle.world/childish, code childish. Do you guys have like a set like Tuesday nights or yours? Yeah, we do. We have that like predicted. Like Tuesday is around five. We know we're going to have the rest of the night, either go on a date, make dinner together, or watch TV, but we just get, we get that night. How do you guys make it work? Because I feel like there's a lot of people listening. Like I feel like the version of me and wood when we were long distance. Like it sucked when I would fly there and I had two days there and then one of the days we spent arguing about something. It just felt like a huge waste of time, but like you said, so you can't just like be la di da like when you have such limited time together. You have to have those conversations when they come up and they're legitimate, but something I'm super cautious up because Max is never the one to come to me with this is one of my actually like pet peeves when watching like relationships because I shouldn't say pet peeve because usually the person, it's like their own subconscious. They're not at a place yet where they can recognize it, but I think a lot of people pick fights that are not about what the actual core issue is. So like, yes, if I'm feeling like we haven't had enough time together, the better way for me to approach that is hi babe. Like I'm feeling like we haven't had enough time together and it's making me sad and I miss you and I miss when we could just like dick around and whatever and like when can we carve that in this week because I need it versus he shows up five minutes late to our Tuesday night, five o'clock. And I say I can't believe you're five minutes late. We can this huge fight when really my heart just wants to say that losing that five minutes crushes me because it feels like time with you so precious. How can we fix this? What would I call that arguing over spilled milk? Like it's never about the milk that's spilled. You can both catch when you're like in an argument about something silly where you're like, wait, this doesn't feel like we're talking about anything, like we kind of take a step back and we're like, wait, what's this build milk here? And like try and boil it down to like, oh, you know, this is what we're actually talking about. Totally. I actually had a friend recently who has a newborn. This was so funny. She breastfed and like pumped all this milk and her husband accidentally spilled it and they were both like, this is where the phrase comes don't cry over spilled milk because she was like, I wanted to cry. That was hours of my physical labor and it was spitterly spilled milk. Oh my god, that's hilarious. Any who will in the blowfish, a phrase I love to say. I don't know where that comes from. I hope I'm never going to say that once. Never once heard you say that. I mean, just, all of this thing is saying like, I have a person who does that. I love to do this. And I'll be like, I've never seen you do that. I was like, I've known you for 25 years. You've never done that. Like, can we talk about the coke gummy? Yes, one time we were probably in fifth grade and we had those gummies that were shaped like Coca-Cola bottles and they looked at me and she goes, when I eat mine, I always go and rip the top off of it. And I just I clocked her and I was like, you've never fucking done that once. She just burst out laughing and we always talk about it now because she'll still say things like that. I'm like, no, you're not a person who does that. She's so funny. I don't even know why it came up with that little lie. Okay, any who will in the blowfish my second time. You might think I look you today and my stripe long sleeve and that is because of my friend Mallory who is just such a fashionista. She's such a great follow on Instagram. I think it's Mallie Kaye Goldman. She came over and helped me like revamp my closet for maternity and pregnancy. So we went through literally every article and got rid of things that first of all she was just like hideous get out of your closet. And then she was like, I like this. I was like, but it barely fits me now. It's not going to fit me in a week. Let's take it out. And put it somewhere for later. We don't need to look at it every day. It's like mental fatigue. And it was so helpful. And then we brought in pieces that were like cute. And one of them was this this stripe sweater from Gap. And I'm wearing them with these cotton pants. And then you show a little bump. And it's like such a vibe. But it just made me think it's crazy how people have such an eye for like style and fashion and like she can see something and she's like well this jacket has like this scrunch at the bottom and I usually don't like that and I'm like that's why it looks so weird on me. That's why it's weird. Why did I buy it with the scrunch? I don't even see it. I swear it wasn't there before. No. It just appeared because you mentioned it and now I'm like that was like one time I had this like shawl and you were like well I don't like the fringes at the end. I was like oh my god there's fringes at the end. That's crazy. It's so informal now. It's that next thing like and I also have to like remind myself I'm in LA comparing myself to people who literally like that's her job like she you know crushes it as a fashion girl and I'm like comparing myself why don't I have the same eye as her. I was thinking about the other day with like street style of like Haley Bieber and Kendall Jenner and those girls always like have the cutest effortless coolest outfits and it's like Victoria they're paying thousands of dollars to have someone street style them. They have like 20 outfits ready to go for like a day in Beverly Hills that they pull. That's like not real life. No it's not real life at all. When he moved to San Francisco he was like appalled at the way people dressed here. I was like you're by far the best person in San Francisco. There is no sense of style here truly because I think it's because it's always cold and everyone's just in a Patagonia vest. I think so then when I go to like Miami or somewhere where like I need to step up I'm like I don't have any outfits for this. Yeah. I think San Francisco has it's vibe but yeah to your point it's not like style it's no fashion forward is not the word I would ever use to describe San Francisco at all. And I feel like if someone does walk out in San Francisco and like a really cute like thoughtful outfit they look like weird. No it's almost odd like to be overdressed. Like if you went to a really nice dinner put on a tiny little dress and heels the say the way you wouldn't LA. Like it's just odd but I can't describe it. Okay me every time I come to San Francisco like you're embarrassed to be with me outside. No never but they text me every time when she's like do I need a jacket. I'm like once again you always need a jacket here. It is always freezing. The weather has not changed in the five years that I've lived here. How good did it feel to clear out your closet because I feel like I had to do that literally week nine. I shit you not my clothes stop fitting me week nine. It felt so good and this was the first time in a while I did like it was gutted like shots were fired like no one was no peace was safe. I mean to the point where oh my god the Emma's of all outfit I wore to your bombshell hot new bombshell under the villa. She was like what are we ever wearing this again. I'm like but expensive and she's like another girl will love this on their bachelorette. We're moving forward and I'm like yes she pulled out the skirt and was like this might be the most hideous thing I've seen in your closet. I was like Mallory you have to see it with the top and then I literally my pride I pulled up pictures and was like look at this is else on the tables at bag of tell. It was the outfit of the night. Mine is on praise. My prince is balladress for like $50. I know you were the most low lean and spread like I can't be bothered to shop like I think because I live in San Francisco. I had to clean out my closet at nine weeks because literally it just sounds like a fucking hassle to me to get new clothes. This is the first time I've ever cleaned out my closet because I think I'm literally I'm not kidding. I've been the same size since eighth grade. Like I have clothes from eighth grade and it was like okay it's time to get rid of these and it felt good. Speaking of eighth grade there were like small things she was telling me that just like make your outfit more chic. Like she pulled out like just a top a white top with a spaghetti strap and she was like first of all like a white top with spaghetti strap it's just too young. Like if we have a black I had a black version she was like we'll keep the black but she was like I think a thicker strap like a one-inch-a-two-in-strap it just looks chic or it looks more elevated like no more spaghetti straps and I'm like you're so right I'm thinking when is the last time I've seen like a girl in an outfit that I had like really like and think it's cute and she's wearing a spaghetti strap. I've never know what to what that makes so much sense okay that excludes obviously like dresses and stuff but like just a tank top. Obviously to each their own you want to feel great in your wardrobe but I was just feeling like you know it's also an act of like self-love to get rid of clothes that like are in serving you don't fit you well. I was like if I haven't worn it in the past five months I'm not gonna fit into it pregnant. I'm not gonna pull it postpartum. Bam it's been two years. Why are you hanging in my closet? What what's going on? I know I have so many Abercrombie trousers that I just like I haven't gone to from when I was in the corporate world but like I don't pull those ever to wear well I see I love a trouser a trouser which is like a t-shirt is like great no like I can't describe the trousers I had they were not correct would it be so bad just to have the same 14 outfits you rotate and every other week you're wearing the exact same thing on Monday like oh that's 100% what I did yeah yeah I wouldn't want to spend more money like getting no it's just hard when you're going to the office I was getting up at 545 and going to the gym in my gym clothes with all my work clothes in my bag there's too much on your brain you're taking the bus like it was it's too much of a grind to think about an outfit you know yeah yeah but I could see it being the thing that sparks joy and like someone's mundane routine if they felt that way about work. This episode of Inner Childish is brought to you by freestyle now that I'm expecting I have entered the face of pregnancy where I'm realizing just how many baby products I'm going to have to make decisions about and diapers are obviously a big very important one considering my baby is going to live in them so I've been asking friends doing my research and one brand that kept coming up was freestyle what immediately stood out to me is that I don't feel like I have to choose between clean thoughtful materials and a diaper that actually performs because that part's important we need everything staying in and freestyle diapers are EWG verified total chlorine free fragrance free and lab tested free of over 1500 and more chemicals of concern including pfa's and bpa's as soon to be mom I really appreciate knowing exactly what's going to be against my baby's skin all day long but they're also designed to perform their skin shield diapers have seven layers of skin protection to help keep moisture away from baby's skin plus they have this cloud like softness that you genuinely notice when you feel them and I love that they have a stretchy back panel because it lets the diaper flex and contour as your baby moves and grows I got lots of tips on that from the moms in my life basically freestyle checks the boxes I care about performance thoughtful materials convert and a price that actually makes sense so head to freestyle dot world slash childish and use code childish to get 30% off your first three months of freestyle diaper subscription that brings your first three months down to just 49 dollars a month again that's freestyle dot world slash childish code childish oh my god I saw this thing the other day that was like bring back the cubicle like these open floor plans someone commented like yes I can't scratch my tip without being seen like I had a cubicle my first job I loved it no bothered me it was great the comments are like you get to decorate it yourself like it's your own little world someone was like no my dream job is sitting in the cubicle it was the I can love when the tick dot comments are so funny wait you know I leased office days before I you know did content and literally the open floor plan well it was like a psychological warfare situation because CEOs wanted to be able to see what everyone was doing but they branded it as like oh it's like an all inclusive like you know collaborative space or whatever but it was really just like it the same reason they bring in dinner it's like so that you stay at work later they bring in lunch so that you like want to come into the office more it's just it's all employed to get you to work more I convinced I would feel like pressure if yeah I felt like my boss was staring at me all day long I even have to remind myself like how wood feels people don't know that what is the whole the whole I don't know gear behind our operation I know now that he is the whole gear because every episode Aubrey just sits in the chair like a pretty princess and wood sets up the whole podcast and I'm sweating over here putting on my own mic my memory cards going my batteries checking the storage turning on the recording you guys he does especially now that I'm pregnant I I don't know what I contribute around this household besides good vibes like he does literally everything for me it's crazy I made my breakfast for myself three days in a row and I was like that's not okay that's not and you're growing a human you're growing a human you shouldn't be making your own eggs fully and then max had to know how many weeks pregnant I was and he couldn't say it real quick and I was like every day I think about the baby and you don't even know how far along I am they just don't get it but that's so great he's helping you max has been very very helpful pre-football season and he's helping as much as he can now I also like I don't know, that suffer figuring out, have we lost the plot here a little bit. This bright light staring in my face, I'm on seven hours of sleep, I can barely think. I am so, for having a newborn with the sleep, I'm genuinely scared for you. That makes me scared, because you are always right about me. I feel like seven and a half hours of sleep is completely average. I would say it's maybe over average for most people. I will say moms are messaging me when I express some fear about this on Instagram and they were like, "You'll lock in, you'll handle it better than you thought. That's what happened to me." Aubrey's nodding right now, like, "There's no f**k." No, no, of course you're going to lock in, it's going to be great, it's going to be great. I just think, yeah, I mean, I love sleep, too. I wish I could sleep that much. Seemed important. I don't know how I sleep that much. I just do. Okay, since we've kind of lost the plot, should we start 6/7 here? I have 100%. Let's just get to the voice mail. What? Okay. Are the gals saying, "This is voice mail number 69," which, very fun. First of all, I love your podcast, I love you guys together, it reminds me so much. I mean, my best friend, who this is actually about, I'd love her so much, I'm so thankful for her. I'm so happy to see her live out her dream of becoming a mom. We are in a little bit of different life stages. She got married about three years ago, and now her daughter is about six months old, and now I'm in my wedding era, and I was, of course, her maid of honor. She is my maid of honor. I was fully present for all the things. She is fully consumed by her daughter at this point, and she's showing up the best way she knows how, which I'm super thankful for, but I think I just need advice on how to really set any expectations for her to show up for her. I know it's different, but it is kind of difficult, just knowing that that might not be reciprocated, and I feel like, "Betcher at party, and bridal showers, and day of the wedding, I really just do want her full attention, as selfish as that me sound, and I'm just kind of struggling with how to balance, knowing that she's showing up being the best mom, and also wanting her to show up as my best mom." I feel for her, I'm not a mom yet, so I might be eating my words, but it's so important to show up for your friends the way that they show up for you. I think this person has a great understanding of the fact that she knows that the friend can't show up exactly how she showed up, and the friend should be vocalizing that, making an effort, saying, "I'm sorry I can't be there for XYZ, how can I show up for you in this way?" I was thinking similarly, the mom friend might not be able to do exactly what you did, but let's say you gave 100%, she also should want to fulfill 100% to you, even if that is different. Maybe yours was a more frequent give, and hers is like an incremental give, but in big moments she's locked in, not on her phone, vibes girl, you know, all that stuff. The only thing that's so tough about it is something I've learned in life is you can never really understand the experience of someone whose situation you've never experienced. So not having a kid yet, or ever, or if that's in your plan, I'm just saying not having a six month old now, you just won't be able to understand her experience, and I just think that's something to be cautious of, because I find that all the time in my life where then I go through something and I'm like, "Oh, and I can't believe I was, I viewed it this way when I wasn't in that situation." And that's so tough, right? But I do think, yeah, to Aubrey's point, it's on that best friend to be extra communicative of, how do you feel? Do you feel like I'm dropping the ball? I'm trying my best. It's been so hard with the baby and work, and you know, whatever the things are. But you also don't want to build resentment. Deadass. I was going to say, I think people underestimate the power of one conversation. Like if you feel like your friend is not showing up for her, just vocalize that to her. And I guarantee if you guys love each other and you guys are great friends, like you will both feel so much better after that, because I'm sure it's on her brain that she can't show up for you the way you showed up for her. And like if you just go to her and you're like, "Hey, totally understand you have a new situation. Like your mom can't even imagine how hard that is to be balancing like your life and taking care of this little thing that you brought into the world. But I'm feeling like our friendship isn't like being reciprocated. I don't know. I just feel like most people will back to our earlier conversation will approach you with just an "I'm so sorry." I had no idea you were feeling like that or think, "God, you said something because I've been feeling the same way." Yeah. It's just, it's tough to approach it though, like I even think the vibe of what you said I agree with, but the exact script I think needs tweaking because it's so sensitive, you know? You're approaching someone about their kid and you're saying, "I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention," which I'm not saying is not valid. It is valid if this is your wedding and this is your maid of honor and you were their maid of honor. Like it is valid. I think what I would throw in is like, a lot of times in these situations, I think it's the safest play is not to come like accusatory, but to more present a situation and then say, what do we think about this? So like, instead of, I feel like you haven't been as attentive as I would have hoped. Like instead of making statements, like a U statement, what? Like a U statement, like instead of saying, like you haven't been equanimated. Well, it's just like anything in life, like I think about this as a boss with like employees. I'm like, if I feel like there had been somewhere else, I would come to them and say, "Hey, I feel like, you know, things feel a little distracted recently, is there anything you want to talk about?" That's how I would bring it up first, because what if they tell me, "Yeah, my grandma died, I've been meaning to tell you I'm going through hell right now. We're now in a way better situation than me sending an email of like, "You're not working hard enough this week. You're not disciplined." Like, that's what I mean of like, present a situation and give them an opportunity. And then I think you have. So in this situation, you'd be like, "I'm so happy for you and I love little Rebecca so much. And this is such an exciting time for both of us, me with the wedding, you in motherhood. And I'm feeling like because of everything we're not having the experiences, I was maybe envisioning, are you feeling that way, where's your capacity at? I just, you know, want to make sure that I'm not putting too much on you, but you also feel like you can show up in the way that you want like, you have to find a way to be like soft and then let her speak first. I feel like I just had a hard conversation with a friend and like, I feel like the way I went into it, which just, I literally opened it up with like, "I'm sorry, like this isn't going to be a fun conversation to have right now." And like, it kind of like, level sets, like, I don't want to be doing this, like, you don't want to be doing this, but like, we need to do this. It softens it. And then you can kind of like, hear each other the whole time. Yeah. I love that. I love just starting something with 100% vulnerability. Like this is going to be awkward. This is going to be uncomfortable. I don't want to cause you pain. Like, I love starting things that way. It puts you guys on the same team totally where it's like, "Ah, there's this big gross thing that we have to deal with." Yeah. Sorry, that I have to be the one to bring it up, you know? Yeah. And because it's your maid of honor, I would have that conversation because you don't want to build resentment. Yeah. I think always have the conversation. You always feel better afterwards. Always. Okay. I love that. Let's find another one. Hi, I'm Rea and Victoria. My name is Sydney and I also live in San Francisco. My best friend in the whole world just came out to visit me and we went on what we called adjacent dates. It wasn't quite a double date because we didn't sit next to each other, but we did have first dates at the same time in the same bar. It was very fun for us at one point her date was not going well. So we snuck off to the bathroom and we came up with a game plan so we could leave. I helped her out of it, it worked out, it's okay, but it was just so much fun. And I think, I don't know, it's just like fun to know that like if you need your friend, like she's right there as opposed to like having to sneak off to the bathroom yourself and texting like, can you give me a phone call emergency? The guys that we went out with originally did not know. that we were doing this until we, you know, got to the bar and then they saw us chatting and I'm like, "Oh, do you know each other?" And, you know, we had to cop to it then. But I just wanted to know if you guys ever did anything like this or if you knew of other people doing it. You know what I love about this? What? It puts the girls at the center of the story and the dates are such a sub-bott. Like, there's such a secondary character. My first thought would be like, "How could I focus?" I just want to get to know with you. The guy would think I had like a UTI or something because I'd go and pee like 45 times so we could yap in the bathroom. Fully, I just want to like pull you up a chair. Like, just join and evaluate him with me. Like, we're bringing a clipboard, we're taking notes. Imagine if they were seated side-by-side. I'd be like, "Shh, sh, sh, and listening. Please stop talking." And I'd listen to my pester Wednesday. Of a Natalie was once on a date and we went into the car, we went in a car and like did the recline seats and watch them from the outside. We did spy on Natalie on a date once. This date had a lot surrounding it and we couldn't help but go spy on it, which we thought would be funny and then she did catch us and did not think it was funny. So that's as close as we got. But no, we were never single at the same time. Yeah, we weren't single at the same time but we did go on double dates with Max and Wood in the beginning. We did bowling totally, which was so fun. That was so fun. I would be so down to do something like this though. I feel like it's fun and then immediately after like your dates over there, your dates over, you like you talk and write then have your powwow. But I do think I would be distracted because I'd be wanting to know about my friends day and then what if their date ends because it didn't go well but mine was going really good. I'd still be so tempted to just like cut it off early to go hang out. See, I'm like at that point it's the dates to throw away, the dates to throw away at that point. Like it's just about you and your friends. Like who cares how the dates are going, you know, it's just like something to yap about. That is so funny. I want to know like if when these guys were asking them out, they both were texting like let's say seven o'clock at the break on Friday. Like no, I love. I'm literally obsessed. Good for you guys. They're so cute. I'm obsessed with that. Okay, what was your something beautiful? My something beautiful was I had a healthy ultrasound and I feel like every time I go in and I hear the heartbeat and I see her kicking around. It's just such a blessing. Like I will never take that for granted. I'm so glad it went well. That year video was the cutest forget thing ever. I guess my something beautiful would be that I got to collab with my friend Mallory on those videos and I just feel like she made me feel so good and confident and that was just so sweet of her and like yes, we're both creators and we were able to make videos about it, which I think will be out by the time this episode comes out, but also I just felt like it was like so generous of her to like spend the time ahead of time to look for clothing that she thinks would work for me. It was just it was just really generous and sweet and so nice. It made me feel good and I love a girlfriend who just like wants their girlfriends to feel amazing. There's nothing better than that. Yes. Queens that fix each other's crowns. I used to love that. I used to love that quote. It had to like be pulled from their archives of my brain. I used to literally in speaking engagements to all women pull up a quote that said real Queens fix each other's crown. No, you didn't. I did. But it was like 2019 like 2012. No, it was of the time. It wasn't Instagram bio used to be lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. Oh my god, that did used to be your bio. So you know what's worse? Who hurt you? Who hurt me? Also that was around the time that would saw my Instagram was like I think that's I would like to get to know that girl. I'm like I don't know what that says about you. It's a cringe as bio. Oh great. I'm a lion and you should know that about me. Also know the what's in front of having like a good maybe this is still a thing. We're just out of the game because we're creators and we need to have like a resume in the bio. But remember when having like a bio on Instagram a like a really good one liner was like the best. I remember thinking in college the best Instagram bio and one of my friends had it. So like I couldn't copy was I'm not superstitious but I'm a little stitious. That's from the office. I know, but it was a great bio. I feel like now they're everyone so nonchalant. Like it's not like cool to like have a big quote like I like like lions don't lose sheep over the opinion of sleep like lions. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Well we hope you guys have a fabulous tie and just remember real cleans fix each other's crown. Keep fixing each other's crowns girlies. Thanks for listening to this episode of Inner Childish. Don't forget to subscribe to this podcast wherever you listen so you never miss an episode. Oh and follow us on Instagram at Inner Childish Pods so you always get the behind the scenes. We're so so grateful for you. See you next time.