National Sober Day: T.I., Young Dro & Fattman Deezy on Addiction

This is Expeditionally, I AM TO TIAHAY. Uh huh, now the following experience is not a test, the conversations and stories expressed on this podcast are meant to be an expression of purpose and truth. This show, properly entitled Expeditionally, is a free exchange of ideas and opinions, no judgment, no preconceived beliefs, no fear. You're encouraged to share your thoughts and ask any question as long as it's done with respect. And ask through true love and respect for others that we would change the world and speak truth to power, once you're at a time. Now without further ado, this is Expeditionally, I'm Tia Harris. This is Expeditionally, I'm your host, Tia Harris. Man, today is an important episode because we have an important conversation, a conversation about some of the fixed means of peoples and countless families, um, is sobriety, recovery, right? And the courage it takes to choose a different path. September 14th, the National Sober Day. Did you know that? I do. Okay. I just found out. Okay, you have me, too. National Sober Day. A day to raise awareness, break the stigma surrounding addiction and remind people that recovery is possible. Now, here goes the test that I saw that I felt like it was worth sharing. 66 Americans, uh, deal with a substance use disorder, one in six, one in six, a 16 percent of Americans, 48 million. Yeah. Now, I just wondered now, how do you think they separate the people who actually are diagnosed with a substance abuse disorder versus the most fucking, just like they're doing drugs? Cause it way more than one in six is after doing drugs. Yeah. How do you classify or determine the difference? I don't think they can. I don't know. Like, you had to actually go outside and count everybody and ask them, and it's a bit, they're going to be honest. You don't have, like, you have a problem with this, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. I do. So basically, one in six Americans just go tell the truth. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of people, like, not going to admit that. Yeah. One in six Americans and probably the, that's the, that's the statistic of the people that told the truth about it. I think one in six other people that actually checked in to some type of center or something have actually admitted to have, cause you can even be angry, have ending night and say, you don't need to be there. You know, my family sent me here. I'm not pulled to be here. Right. So one in six out of them said, yeah, I really deserve my spot. Okay. I get a percentage of, like, say, for instance, like, it's 100 people in my family. Okay. I'm 70, 70 of them are doing drugs, doing drugs, but, but, but people do drugs and not really have a drug problem sometimes up until you, up until you develop a drug problem. Yeah. That's real. That's real. Okay. I forgot I was doing the introduction. Okay. Today, we're hearing directly from two men that I happen to be, I've been blessed and fortunate enough to call my partner, man, two men that have been open about their own journeys. We got Atlanta and Atlanta trap music, legend, young girls, the boys, you know what I mean? That thing. We got big time OG future, future future hall of fame, comedian and entertainer, fat man, DZ. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Amen. They're here to talk about the realities behind sobriety, the struggles, the turning points, the people who helped them along the way and what it feels like, when you make the right decision to put your health first and your future first. Welcome. Young drawer fat man, DZ, that expeditiously. Again. Yeah. What's happening, man? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? You already know what's happening. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, the funniest thing about y'all, bro, is I, you know, when I first met y'all, both of y'all, you both, you know, in your battle with addiction. You know what I'm saying, and I didn't know and one of y'all was getting high into way later on. How do you think it becomes so easy to hide? Well, I wouldn't say, "Hack, I don't think you were trying to hide it," but to keep an addiction to yourself. Well, I go to the bathroom a lot. You know what I'm saying? So, you know what I'm saying? My aunt, they say, "True." They say, "True," they say, "My BLC ain't one that you just put out in front of everybody." Yeah, get what? You feel wrong. So, it's been a lot of time in the bathroom, but also, I think people are there to make the amount of time that someone is by themselves all day. So, by the time I get to you in active addition, I don't been on it all day. Right. You feel me? So, if we link up at 5 p.m., you went around me 8 a.m., 19 o'clock, I been on it all day. Right. And then by the time I get around you, I'm trying to coast. You feel me? I don't know how to hit the ceiling. Yeah. And I'm just trying to be regular around people and so whatever I do in your presence don't seem like that much to you. You know? Okay, your brother might have had six shots, but, you know? Yeah. I learned how to hide from being so young, you know what I mean? Like, when we met, like you were probably 16, I was 17, as a kid, you know, I learned how to hide it because, for one, my mom and then, you know, I was on it. If you don't say how to know how you are, anybody would look at me for whatever I was doing. Right. That was different from what everybody else was doing. So, I learned how to, I learned how to talk and hide from the public as a young person from being so young on it. Damn. Is it like, is it like the judgment or, you know what I'm saying, is that what it is or is it just, you don't want to, you don't want to have to, you don't want to have to adjust your hat? I ain't going to lie. Sort of like what Joe said. Only person I was aware about judging me was my mom. And so I definitely hear that, you know what I'm saying from her, I tried to hide it from my siblings as much as possible. And they came and people just outside in the atmosphere. Yeah. I ain't kidding. I'm about what Joe felt though. You know what I mean? I didn't do that. Yeah. I was told opposite. Yeah. I kept nothing about it. We was in a circle. And everybody, you know what I'm saying? Let's say you're subdued. So everybody passed in some blunts from it. I might just pull my sack out. And then people looking at me like I'm crazy. I thought we was doing drugs. I was like, I couldn't really like me, me personally, I was the total opposite. A lot of people had her things and stuff like that but my mom always told me some shit. They were like, well, don't bullshit the public. You feel them saying like don't let everybody see you always. You feel me now? If everybody's smoking blunts, then we were smoking blunts. But it was certain things that I would do that would take me up through that out like man. I ain't doing that in front of nobody. And then I hear haters, I hear nothing of saying stuff and they don't have things to say about what I do or what I'm on but they would never see it. You feel them saying, and that was, I took pride in it. Because I wasn't just, I wasn't going to let it make me, you know, get in public and do it in public. I ain't think that's what I wanted to be. That type of person. Man, what was harder? Getting sober, staying sober. I think that equally is difficult. But the getting, that's something that I hope by the grace of God I never have to do again. Yeah, go through something like, I can't do this two times with a prison, but I did it. Okay. You know, it's all like that, like the getting broke because, I mean, so let's say I start getting lit at 16. I ain't get sober till I was 38. Damn. So I got old, you know, I'm saying over 20 years. You know, over activity with no breaks, no breaks, you know what I'm saying? And so it's like, you don't know who you will, statistically, you emotionally stop developing this at the time that you start ingesting all these substances. So like, I was 38 years old, 16 years old, you know what I'm saying emotionally. Right. And so like, I'm trying to learn how to live. It's just, it's so bad, bro. Like when I got through that initial, you know, I'm saying crazy, I was like, I can't do this no more, whatever have I can't do this again. Damn. I think staying sober is more of a challenge than getting sober because like I always had like little spats where, you know, I get into God and, you know, things, something that would have happened and I'd do a little too much then, or like, you know, a couple of weeks, you know what I'm saying, or to the most, I think like three months, you know what I'm saying? But I still be like California sober though, you know what I'm saying, I'm gonna do fucking California sober. Let me still smoke my blood. Okay. Okay. Okay. I will go through that. And I, California sober. That's the thing. Absolutely. Okay. So, I will usually go through those lessons, so I use that, you know, when I went in, I was like, I got this. just staying that way was the challenge for me because of what life would like start presenting to me like stuff that I couldn't do that I wanted to do or stuff that came up that you know it was in my past that I you know had dealt with it. Man I think I've been you know after after you guys had you know I'm saying had crossed the threshold of your journey in sobriety and you know you know the old time with both of y'all like yeah man you know I'm saying I'm clean now I ain't getting high no more at that moment I could then think back at times well I should have known you niggas was high. Absolutely yeah. Yeah. What's on that? First show that. I can think back at times after that from that moment I can think back like that should have known that you know my fucker wasn't laughing that hard for nothing. I mean what a lot of a lot of times when I when I think back on most of the time. But you but you it ain't laughing for you because you know we laugh like a motherfucker all the time. It would when you not laughing when you when you mean you know I'm saying when you mean about want to fight now that over shit man you know I'm saying like I thought you would get how dare to breath a club with a K-dum man I was like man didn't get that guy there without you had that mean spirit in your face and that's what I you know I'm saying that the only time in you I think they're never about to but but here is the time well you know I'm saying you was kind of coming down yeah yeah but I disappear a lot though like that's when I that's when I think that he shouldn't you know probably that didn't get I you better say he always they'll be like tip looking for you like like soon as I get the open man you come to call me brought to a one the time I was there like a lot of people in my career they be like man you you um tips do tip this and that you spoke to be this what tip I was like when he called every time see the one the time the nigga didn't call you bring me but they have it boy I think it's different on your in in the sense that not as far as addiction but in the sense I already being quote unquote on you understand what I'm saying like so you had a certain level of success in active addiction okay you feel me and so I had no success in active addiction none so it didn't even matter really I get you feel me and nobody looking for me and if you my partner you looking for me you know I'm saying like you know man if you don't want to come over there yeah then you just ain't coming over there you know I'm saying and then and then the dip bro two times you have tremendously affected my sobriety when I first got soaked my first year sober I was depressed because for one I was just not on drugs and for two I was like man I ain't never gonna be able to do comedy no more because it was it kept being told to me hey what I ain't to lie for you you had a try you feel this is what it this what it is and one day one of my partners came up to the spot you know I'm saying to a mean and we're like hey you seen that drug interview I said what drug interview he said brother I said no but I watched it and it gave me hope it was like oh wow okay brook can still exist in the environment and not succumb and I was like okay and so that kind of you know what I mean but then it was another one I just watched some of you talk about like the fur bit check you got you know what I mean I have never had any money not to substantially by drugs so all of myself destroyed I pushed the limits let's say I was a poor at it so like if I had money you weren't poor because you had no money about it drugs this is what I mean I bought it consistently at a low level I'm telling you that get six fifties a day you know something like I can say that's pretty good but count three hundred dollars a day bro I get it I would find it I would find the money I burn my face card up before I became a rapper I was willing to addiction right on and I have no idea but no idea but guess what I always hung around the dope man you feel me like my palm don't serve bricks you feel I'm saying like if they had they had it in abundance you feel I'm saying and before and before you know it I'm just hanging back you know they giving me the look hey man there's some money right here the little money on making on the side like they giving me that I was just able to be around people that they had that with brick mason's you know what I'm saying and I and it just sustain me you know it sustained me and it kept me and I and I looked you the way too you feel I'm saying hmm no give me one second I got a question yeah okay I got a question yeah one second now that's called bloody I ain't lying by all we did I would I would dead up to yeah to the point like you know my we FDC full stomp you feel you went no way but you know selling bond here but my pun I don't have so much dope and I will connect the two like the beat names in the hood like the beat names on this out of town the beat names on on that side of town and I'll just be right there in the middle because I came from the opposite side of the spectrum to well I ain't come up poke like I had whatever I needed you know I'm saying in the way that I my addiction pushed those people away from me and so then I became cooler with the I can't say less of but with a more sinister element you know what I'm saying and I don't know but then since I knew the people who were well off I would hit them up all the time right you know I'm saying I had a couple partner I could call it three four in the morning a while I'm out here you got anything you could leave me part of my leaving sixty dollars in a mail box you know what I'm saying and then I go pick that up and then you know what they walked so I had help not that it was they felt like they thought that they were helping me because if if they had not given it to me the links that I would have went to to get it would have put me in a bigger jam so like they kind of did help me like but I know what you're about to do look here just go ahead you know I mean well you you mentioned something that I don't think enough people especially in our world think about these is it mentioned these is what you wanted to funny and motherfuckers naturally did I know what I didn't try but he mentioned that he felt like he wasn't going to ever be able to be funny after he got sober and drove you also told me you thought at one time you thought you weren't going to be the same in the booth after you got sober yeah but I because I had tried it like for a minute like one time I got sober and then I tried to you know put me just put music down on the studio and it wasn't the same and just for that moment it just scared me because I was like that's what I fear coming out of rehab I'm like man I was like but I tried this already it didn't come to me because when I used to be high my mind was stimulated and I was able to just buy up in the right I'm a ninja I'm getting on the house yeah I got brought you know I'm dead some dad but I'm so and so then when I get through with the bar here so that how you see all the colors how you see you know most of the stuff came from a vivid imagination of me wanting to be something that actually wasn't there that I wanted to be but it just all came and it aligned up into it just made great songs and then once I was like okay cut the drugs out then try it one time you feel understand um it just didn't do it it did it because I wrote we in the city sober that's how that one I wrote we in the city that's one of my favorite I tried it and then like I got high right after but but what made you want to go in there right no more fucking so because I wanted to I wanted to see what that was but it was it was like pulling teeth though you feel the saying I was like me took a minute to do that but now that versus meticulous but guess what that's a meticulous version man that more fucking you man okay let me explain high I can do it in 20 minutes uh 15 with the exception of Pro Tools you know saying uh but sober it might be a hour two and I get to look around at people that's still a good goddamn day once on a hour that's still a good day see we and I do this too well I have done it as I got older I kind of let the pressure up all myself we expect I said to get in there and do that shit perfect the first time in 10 minutes all the time yeah it might be married to it too it ain't always like that bruh man hot man look man man one of the The only times I've gotten my ass kicked on a record did I recall is hundred three thousand on that side, really. Okay. Okay. Man, so I, I called myself, I knew he was going to do it because he said he will, but you know, it was three weeks, it was three weeks, and then when I talked to him, I thanked three weeks later, he was like, "Yeah, man, I'm going to come on back. I got something. It ain't quite finished yet." No, I said, "Just come on over what you got." And listen, once he got there, he probably had eight to ten bars, and he stayed in there another two to three hours, and when he got finished, he had smoked the whole fucking song. Nobody listens to that record and say, "Man, it took that nigga a month to write that verse." They just listen to the magnificence that comes from the experience of listening to it. Eminem. Now I went to Eminem to the church, Eminem, first of all, first of all, a motherfucker who I met that, that nigga, that motherfucker star at work at nine a.m. and at five, he's gone. It may have a nine to five regiment. We get there around, we probably got there around ten, and he was in there right. And it wasn't until he laid here very right at five when he was about ready to go home. So he spent the whole day writing that motherfucker, but you listen to it, and you can hear all of the meticulous details that go into it. So I think if you Jay got there, give yourself enough time to say, "Man, high or sober, hey look man, I just take time because art takes time when it's perfect." Well, let's get into the condition that I have with on top of a drunk habit. I have anxiety, ADHD, you know what I'm saying? Those are the things that I try to escape to while getting hot, you know what I'm saying? I understood. You know, things like that. So it all kind of like meshed together, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I'm aware. I'm very aware. Now you said something. He was like, "Man, because you used something about fifteen minutes, and then you're like, it took like two hours." And he was like, "Well that ain't a lot of time." And I was like, "But you know how fair time move on dope, but it's just not two hours." But I was like, "Well, that's a long time, but it's a long year, especially while your mind going, bro." And then you said, "Now you like, I can do this." And then once I seen how it looked right there, and I was like, "Yeah, but I'm going to keep it a book." When I got out, I was like, "Okay, I can't do nothing." And I started going in, and then stuff sounded to me different. Yeah. And then I was like, "Because when I get through Ryan Brum looking for folks to be like, hey dude, just snap. You feel the sound like, "Oh shit, you feel me, but I was looking around." And I don't know if it was just the devil, you know what I'm saying? You're like, "What you saying about this nigga?" But I didn't see the reactions that I usually get until I started, until I started doing the work. When I started doing the work, it started. What's the work? Work meaning giving myself grace, you know, giving myself a chance to actually do the job, you know what I'm saying? And it just started working, even like when you did, when we did the Kirk Franklin song. Yeah. I didn't know you was going to put me on the spot. I thought you, you know, I like to take stuff home, but I had to write that day in here with the man. And my uncle was one of the co-workers. You know what? What was it that you found out that you could be funny without drugs, easy? Man, I've always been funny, I wasn't always on drugs. I, maybe two, three years into comedy, I remember doing my first set with no dope and it wasn't a choice. I didn't have any money. I couldn't buy no dope. I was at the spot. Yeah. I did the set. It went over. Uh-huh. And she was not performing, it was living man, I was trying to find a way to live. I just wanted to get comfortable in my skin. Like I can never get right, I always felt out of place. I had a couple of friends, I'm not disparing to anybody, but I was just trying to get through a day. And so, comedically, once I got geeked up, I just wanted to talk. Right? And comedy provided me a place to talk. Okay. But it was the day leading up to the show where I needed the drugs. I needed drugs to get up, I needed a reason to want to be, I needed drugs to, bro, if you was having a good day. Now, let's say you, my partner, I ain't seen you in a couple of months. But I went out tonight before I'm coming down. You want to pull up on me. Uh-huh. I'm going to ask you if we can go about a spot so I can get a young me so that I can get in a good mood to hang out with you. You feel what I'm saying? It was like, I let that eat up my whole personality. Got it. So, where I was just trying to find a way to exist, and man, I'm telling you, and that was I telling you, people don't understand about, you know, I'm saying people with a dish, like you're trying to fill a hole in your soul that's just endless. And so, you keep pouring something in there, you hit this level, and it's okay for a minute. You need more to get to the level, and then more to get to the level, and then for you know it, you can't do nothing without something, you don't have to be like it, too. But one of the biggest blessings for me is sobriety, bro, I can get up and go to the stove, and I can, and I don't have to do anything to do that, you know what I'm saying? Like, if my mom was sending me to the stove to get some eggs or something, I got the smoke of blunt to go in the stove, like, it's no such thing as doing nothing without something. And if y'all want hang out, you know, like you want to kick it, and go outside where people are. Oh, man. I don't need a couple of Grammys. And you know, just to exist around people, if people like at a park, never, when you don't do festivals and stuff, you know, they have performance, man, I wish I would go out there with no narcotics. Oh, man. I was sick. I couldn't, I wouldn't, like, how you are about when you're going in public, like, I was like that with women, like, I couldn't deal with a woman, that's how high, or you getting the dope D. You feel like see, like, I talk, I got a lot of gang on this, on this shit. Once, once I get high, bond, talk about what, what I'm cheering doing, you know, get that baby there. I don't know what you're doing. Look out what y'all got coming to your mom, how y'all mama doing? She good, give her something to, you know what I'm saying there, and I talk right on out of the drawer. Smash and then if they know the high go away, bone ring, I be like, damn, I hear some shout of the day, man. She was like, nigga, you know what you did to me? But I could not mess with a woman, a deal with, like, when it's time to get with the girls, I get high. That's why when I got out, I couldn't be, I couldn't even be, you know, play like that no more. We know so because how both from walked hand in, you know what I'm saying? So I had to get rid of, I had to get rid of the iPhone, I had to get rid of social media and I had to get rid of what everything, everything played, everything was linked to each other. Absolutely. Like, the drugs was linked to the woman, the woman was linked to Instagram, you're feeling saying, like, all of this, I get high, put the phone out and it's struggling. And then I post a picture, dip friends, everybody look at them, and then somebody gonna like, too many pictures. You feel me like, here's my picture, you feel me? And likewise, I go on paid, like all hustle, she was like, hey, I was like, hey, it's up. It's up. Yeah, it's up. It's up. Yeah, it's up. Yeah, it's up. Yeah, it's up. Yeah, it's up. It's up. if shit don't change, then change the stuff around you. So I started changing, you know, what I would look at on the phone, or you know, then I changed my number, then I changed my friends. And you know what I mean? I was like, you know what? I can't keep doing one thing. I can't stop doing drugs and then just keep messing with the women. You feelin' us in? I do. Well, it's crazy how we got things on flip sides of the coin. I had lots of female friends when I was doing drugs, 'cause I was, I really wasn't tryin' to get no pus. Like, it wasn't on my mind. I was just wanting to get high, I wanted to feel good. And then when they be around, I just want to talk. I want to find out what's going on with you. Yeah, for real, you can, we go about through life. You understand me? We talking about the universe, Jack, when I'm the lady. And then when I start comin' down, all right, I'ma go, I'ma holler show 'em, you know what I'm sayin'? And I had like, six, three, I ain't goin' for ten anymore. No matter what I mean, I ain't goin' for ten. You quit all because, like, I reach your peak. Yeah. Once I hit that peak, everything I talked about up until that point, it just doesn't matter anymore. You feelin' me now, I'ma stick to some of the things I said, but, not all of them and it just chipped away at me. You feel me at before I got into, you know, to being a rapper or whatever or an entertainer, you know, but being an entertainer it started chipping away at my career at that point, you know what I'm saying? - Man. - Hey, tell me what y'all think friends can do when they worry about someone's drinking or substance abuse? What can a friend do? - Shit, he'll help him beat up. (laughing) - Exactly what you said. - Shit, they'll help him beat up. - You're gonna have to wait on the crash. - Yeah. - Because I had a couple specific punters talk to me. I was surrounded one night. We was on a counter-roll and next to the chip chat. - Ooh. - And I'm feeling good, but you understand me? I was in there, I had to ask everybody for a dub. I have you feel a little sad going, I'm gonna woo woo. And when one partner like, "Hey man, come outside." And the way he asked me, so aggressive, like he told me to go outside. I went outside, it's for more of my punters out there in a circle. - Elementary. - And they, they tried to intervene on me. - Oh. - But I was like, I wasn't going. I was like, "Hey, you talking about nigga?" You helped me. - Oh, man. - You trick gave me a dub. You feel me? No, I don't hit it shit. And I was bucking on the intervention. - Oh. - And then, you know, they kind of pissed a couple of them all. And look, if any of them why I did it, and I'm telling the story wrong, I was geeked. So, my-- - You tell it, you're very bitchy. - I'm telling my version. As I remember it now, crispy. - I tell you about this, even that part of the brain. This one analogy that was given to me when I first got sober. You take a brain, right? A regular brain, you pop it out your head. You sit it in a bucket. Now, for 20 years, you put a lick on that brain. You dump a lot of weed on that brain. You throw some zanzas, some perks on that brain. Throw a little lean on that brain. Dump a whole lot of cocaine on that brain. And you sit it in that bucket for 20 years. - Oh. - And then you pull it out and put it back in your head. You expect that brain to work properly? - Oh. - That motherfucker is morphed. - Oh. - It has been warped out of this original form. - Yeah, that's how he marinade it. - It is marinade, bro. It got all the seasoning. - Yeah. - And that's it. - It probably tastes good. - That's it, not it. - It ain't. - Yeah, that's it. - You tell that motherfucker on the grill. - And you tell that man. - Hey, you. - Hey, motherfucker, it's coal alive. - And he's in. (laughing) - But that's what I mean. I'm telling the story from a caramelized brain. - Okay. - So that's what I say to you. Like he said, they can shut the fuck up and be there. You almost, you need something bad enough to happen for them to wake up. - Man, listen. - 'Cause like, it was nothing nobody could say to you. - This ain't even put up plenty of time. Hey, bro, I'm telling you. You gotta got them, buddy. I mean, when the man put up his front of my, I went all for him and put him in. - Yeah. - All this shit, my chain needs to get your shit together, bro. 'Cause right now, you're a bullshit. You feelin' us out and that shit did not work. (laughing) - No, this is not the way he said it. - Yeah. - I can say this, didn't it play in the back of my head? - Yes. - Later? - Yeah. - But at that point in time, what he did, that he probably didn't recognize was he didn't go nowhere. You feelin' me probably went on and went out, but every time I wanted to see him or I needed to be around him, it wasn't a problem. You feelin' usin' like, and like, that's what matters the most. And he didn't judge me. He didn't say nothing like, and he'll say some shit, it'll be slick, but wouldn't nobody catch it. 'Cause they really don't know what the hell he's talkin' about. But he'll still perform. I can still come out, do the show. We'll be at the house, eatin' up. We'll wrap up the other end of the living room. Whatever we doin', you feelin' me? You wouldn't know that he was showing me that, oh, I'mma just be here regardless. Like, whenever this shit happens, I'm just here. You feelin' usin'? So, that's what people need to do. Because a whole week, like, person that's tryin' to get you out, you're always naggin' on those, like, not the day, man. You know that? I just, you know, I'm gon' go to God and I get a chance for you tryin' to push me up there, ain't gon' get me up there. I'm gon' goin' 'em ready, you know what I'm sayin'? So, the person that always try to make you change, make you leave off 'em around them, and then you go out in the world, and then you end up overdosing or dying from drugs or from around the person that actually cared. So, you just sit back and say, I ain't got it, like, you wanna say the eat cool? You wanna go do this cool? You wanna do that cool? And then I ain't sayin' that, you know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I mean? Man, I think now, you know, just bein' about the times when it got frustrating to me and I tell you why. Because at first, you know, sayin' especially like when you was having your way with the world, you know, at first, it would get down, you know, people come down, high-talented man, droman, and then he that motherfucker, man, drul, drul, you know what I mean? And it went from that to, man, why ain't doin' that for drul, man? Why ain't hip and drul, man? Drul man, drul ain't pull to be like that, why? So, that got frustrating to me, you know what I mean? So, I felt like I needed to do more. Because everybody, when they see you, if they don't see you in the fashion that they use like this, they don't see you how they used to see you, somehow it's a reflection of me. You know what I'm sayin'? So, I feel like that, but at no time without evil, you know what I'm sayin'? Trying to preach, trying to get down, 'cause she is. I still have, I should, look, she goin' on here now. And that's just like, motherfucker used to do me by goin' to jail, you know what I'm sayin'? At times, motherfucker was like, listen, we have so much goin' on, and we just need you to stay. Nigga, you think I want to go to fuckin' jail? I don't know the time, God is obviously doin' somethin' with me. And I don't know where to deal, I'ma get goin' and go through it. But, bruh, I ain't got them tryin' to go, you know? I understand that, 'cause I felt like I didn't have no, you know what I mean? Man, when they got that caught me with that little half a peel in my pocket in LA, man. Like, man, how the fuck? Nigga hit with a half a peel and it get wet, right? So I made the U-turn on Sunset. Made the U-turn on Sunset. And in the polis, I seen it, you know how when, I said, when you make a U-turn, once you get on this side of the street, you can look over here and see, God damn, the polis right there. (all laughing) U-turn right behind me. And I haven't gotten in my destination. I thought, I don't feel like I got in there with you. And how about gettin' talkin' to the valley? Man, nigga, get back in the car, please. Like, God damn it. So I get back in the car, man. I probably the God, I ain't no number. They got down peel in my pocket, man. I had no idea that peels in there. Man, I must have put them pants on from a time. I would get in high. So, you know what I'm sayin'? Some weeks, months, I have a long go before, man. You hangin' with me. I don't have that, man. I ain't put nothin' on that, no nothin' on that, man. I ain't put nothin' on that, man. I ain't put somethin' on that, man. Yeah, hopefully I can make it with the gal. I had a partner on a particular role who still sold down a blow. So that was my 10 right there. I could use a dollar and get one of the tall canned dollar beer, probably a bush or something disgusting like that 'cause that was a dollar. Uh, then I was gonna get, uh, I had two more dollars that I was gonna get full Newport loans. It was two for a dollar that time. Then I had one dollar to buy a switch in case someone had some weed. I just wanted to have a blunt there. So, uh, I leave the house, I go get the dime, I go get the beer, I go, and I'm Gucci, you know what I'm saying? It was extra clean that day. Boom, I'm hitting it. I get the 255, terrible show. I drank half the beer. Why was wrong with the show? Man, I didn't just wasn't good. I didn't do well. I wasn't in my zone. I knew that I was about to run out of gas. I had no money. I couldn't get another drink. I just wasn't in the zone, man. I leave out of there. I said, "Damn, this was terrible. I should have never left the house." I forgot to say, when I'm laying on the couch, I'm looking for my ID before I left the house. Never did I think to look in the cushions. I just sit there on the women's license plate. I left anyway. And this wasn't that I needed to do comedy that bad. I wanted to get high that bad. That I wasn't going to go ahead and drive with no license. So, I'm drinking driving snow and smoking. I leave the 255. I got a like four-bombs left in my sack. I got half a beer that I had saved. Half of that can for the ride home to try to help me come down before I got back to the house. The gas like come on. I'm like, "Man, I'm tripping." Right there, I turned left off Fulton off McDaniel. To get on 20 right there on the wool. I turned left. You know that four-way stop sign right there with that little park head. Man, I thought I stopped. (laughs) Like, this is how I get to what I could slow I stop. 'Cause I didn't know I paused, I paused at least. (laughs) Man, I paused and I went on through and they lit me up. And I was like, "Come on, man." (laughs) Oh my God. And I hit the gas. What? I sped up. What? Man, listen, you just don't take, I'll take you as a half-speed chase guy together. Man, look here, man. I was raised not to go to jail for cocaine. (laughs) You understand me? No, whatever kicked me in that was like, I gotta go. That was all I heard in my head was, I have to go. He hit them lights. I said, "Not me." (laughs) And I said, "I'm crazy." And I put some hard left right there with a BVM. Now, I'm in. And then I'm looking at the gas lights on. Like, you can't even get that far. Like, even in my arm around him, I'm not even gonna make it, bro. And so then he walked around the corner and then I just stopped. I said, "Man, whatever." But so like, when I'm stopping, I put the sack in my mouth and start chewing it, like some gum. Because I'm not going with that. Whatever is going to happen, it's not gonna be with that. So I chewed that up, I swallow it. I see the beer right there. I move the beer into the cup holder in the back. This maybe he'll let me go and I can still drink it. (laughs) He come up there, he said, "Man, you didn't stop at the stop sign back there." I said, "I didn't, yes, I did." He said, "No, you blew right through it." He said, "Look like you was trying to run from me." I said, "Man, no." And that was all I come with, "Man, no, no." He said, "Man, let me see, I did." I said, "I ain't got it." He said, "Oh, man, what's with me, you ain't got your ID?" I said, "You got anything in the car with your name on it?" I said, "Yes." I had a letter in the Pfizer, bro. I reached up there, if I'm nervous at this point, you know, I don't just ate a sack, I'm kinda shaking. I reached up there, I pulled out the one piece of paper that has my mom's name on it. I said, "Hold on, not that one." And he said, "Get on step out the car." I said, "Uh, okay, so I stepped out the car." And he said, "You not being arrested, but I got it detained because I don't know who you are." Where did you say the paper was? I said, "It's right over there." He puts me in his car. He goes looking for the paper, now he's searching my car. Another car pulls up, I'm like, "That's bad. It's two pull this cars now. I'm sitting here." I'm like, "I hope they least cut my car off because it's some of you." You know what I'm saying? Like, "Hey, they pulling it out while it's still running." And then, but, you know what I'm saying? "Oh, man, I was just like, "Man, I don't like kid here." I should've stayed on the fucking couch. But I'm 28 'cause, like, this is a 17-year-old mistake. I'm 28. I'm almost 30. I'm a full-blown loser game, which is why, when I'm listening to y'all, like, you went to prison, but you was a winner in prison. No, no, no, no, no. - Feel me, feel me, feel me, feel me, feel me from my perspective. - I feel you. - Even if you get, it's even worse, bro. - I feel that. - So, but I'm a whole loser. Now, who got $13 today named? - Type nigga like me. - Hey, man. - Who the hell living stuff do I think? - Be surprised. - I would, but I had to. So then, the other car pulled up. So then, the pollie come. And he say, "Then, I see him reaching the back." He pulled the beer out and do like this. I said, "Wow." So then, God, get back in the car. He said, "You know what that means, don't you?" I said, "No." He said, "That means you being arrested." I said, "Okay." He said, "Anybody, you want me to call?" You know what I'm saying? Before we told the car, "Anybody gonna come get it?" I'm like, nigga, nobody's coming. It's like two in the morning. Nobody's coming to get that car. Let me call my mom. Now, it's the worst call I ever made, 'cause I'm 28. I ain't, this is not 16-year-old calling me. This grown man calling you 10-year-old, then I'm not gonna make it because I've been arrested for not having my ID and there's open-containing the car. Man, didn't he took me down that pre-trial? I got a boo-boo, because, you know, that ain't my stomach's stirring. I probably had boo-boo before, but now it's on a team. You being like, "My thing is going on there, boy." That pullover. Man, man, bro, so much jazz with this man. That would be like, "What is that, bro?" What is that, man? Yeah, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man. That's what I was talking about. I was like, "I'm going to get you." I was like, "I'm going to get you." I was like, "I'm going to get you." I wanted to jump over there real so many times. I was like, "That shit is going to hurt." You know what I'm saying? I was like, "I'm going to get you." I said, "That shit is going to probably hurt." But I knew that money didn't even matter. Because that monster, that what I was going through, it was way brough used to be right behind the ambulance and had to flag the ambulance down because I'm feeling like I'm having a panic attack from the pills that I take. I do. Like no amount of money could ever, it was never a perfect time that I was high. It was never a good, like, like, we're like, "But we having a good time up until we're not negative." I wish she could run it out and the night over and the lights go off. That's when people go through it. And the girl who I'm with, seeing how I'm coming down, she'd be like, "Nigger." If you want me, that's when I started having to pay for prison. If you want me to do that again, if you want me to have to pay for this, go over. That's what I was paying for. I had to buy the prison. I had to pay for people to put up with this shit that I was taking them through. Now you feel the same? I am, man. I mean, man, the money, it wasn't the loss of money for me. And I think I had an addiction to bad decisions. I just had an addiction to bad decisions. It's just like, it's a structure and I'll say a template to doing it right. And it comes with some discipline, some sacrifice. You can't go to every party. You can't, you know, have. fun all the time. And I didn't have that as much. I had it more than some, but not as much to justify the heights I had opportunity to reach. So when I made bad decisions and went to prison and all this shit was happening to me, I can't say that, you know, it was the money, because I stayed up. It was just the fact that I felt like I set myself back in progression. From this year to this year, I'm supposed to go from here to here. From this year to this year, I'm supposed to go from here to here and from this year to this year, so on and so forth. So that felt that one year I sit back. Well, I ain't gonna say that one year. After trep, damn, even for that. When I got signed, I got signed in 1999, and I'd be damned if I didn't get caught riding with no license trying to get a police dog named Evan Dehl. Evan Dehl, I wouldn't, I ain't never been there. I heard that on the radio. It looks like I was going to jazz the teas or something like that. They could have come and come back for jet. But no, I didn't go to the Cab County. I was always going to love it. So I got pulled over. They had no license trying to get a full adult name. And you know, like I said, I'm just getting signed, and this is K.P. Jeff reminded me of it. He was like, man, do you remember when you got signed? And every year around criminal time, when the time for the criminal party, you'll go to jail. I'm like, damn, no, I didn't remember that. Thanks for reminding me. I appreciate that. But the first year I'm signed, LaFace criminal party, everybody's speaking to me to be there. I'm locked up. 2000 Millennium Drop, when the ball dropped 2000, I'm in jail. Okay, so I felt like in that time, me being locked up, kept me from getting in and I guess networking and rubbing elbow with the people who can put me in position to, you know, be featured on this record or this, this opportunity, so that paid me back. So now I get out, got to make up for it. So, you know, as you know, as the law will have it, he still put opportunities in front of me that I was able to take advantage of and it prepared me forward. Then you get to now trap music, is that? At the height at the time. I'm the hot shit. Cool. I made it up for the time. I would just locked up and didn't get these opportunities. Now, here we is right after the video, a rubber band man, my house getting rated. And now they find guns and died out of die. And if they ain't back the gun, I'm on probation. So now I got to go sit down again. The opportunities I miss, then when I get home, got to make up for that. And every time it seems to happen, but that should just kept happening. Every level of my success, every time it was like, this is the biggest he being, this is much as he, and boom. And what it did was, like, my psyche has changed. Like, I don't like long-term plans. Don't come to me talking about, okay, so here we are in November, okay? So next July, what we want to do now, Nick and I don't know. Tell me what we've been to do December and January. I want to talk about that because I feel like, ain't no telling. Ain't no mother fucking telling. And I think that's, you know, one of the things that that had fucked me up, it wasn't necessarily missing out on the money. It was like, how would I ever make up for the lost opportunities? And I think that speaks to the, the flaw in my own mindset at the time because I always thought that money would fix the problem. But this, and this, again, to fix some of it. It's a picture of bills. No, it's not so right on. But what I, what I realized was there was never enough dope. Never. Like, if I had a big sack, I would still go by mold, just because I didn't want to run out. And as I get to doing it, and we, you know what I'm saying? Like going through a night. There was never a time when I was like, okay, I don't have to know. Never? No, I was always ready to keep going and let 'til I physically couldn't go no more. So like, what happened is like, my body just started like shutting down, you know what I'm saying? So yeah, like, once you, once you understand something went like, all of this is wrong, like, you feel like, you know what I mean? When you get in the shower and you just letting the water run down, like, are you trying to clear out your sinuses? I tried to pray, I pray to God that when I got, when I was like, I just hope I don't kill myself. Cause I do have enough money to kill myself. Like, I was like, I made that proud like God, just don't let me kill myself on this stuff. And I didn't care. Like, if I had that, that would have been alright with me. Not to be a downer. But it was playing any morning. So I woke up and we're like, again, bro. You don't wake me up again, bro. Come on. I mean, I would have been cool. I was like, I was you. I was sick. Crazy. I was like, man, like, it was manless. I was saying, you know what I'm saying? He said a lot of these stories are funny and hindsight, but it was terrible when it was happening. But there was help available. And I don't know exactly what to tell you to do or how to get to it. But when you ready, it will find you, you know what I mean? Cause I know how to get to my help either, but it found me. So it's a plenty of places that you can go. Uh, churches like you, they hold them in churches. They hold them in like, like, you just got to go like, what my, my website would guide you to some of the hill. Right. It still takes a village of like, and I, and I, and I just got places where I got resources for people that, um, want to do interventions. We have, we have an intervention prevention program and it still takes a village where, where we do like, uh, we'll come to your house. Right on. If you feel like just to make the awareness, put the awareness on the, on the brain. Not, not necessarily try to make you go, just let you be aware of that it's help. And if you never need it, you know, cause a lot of people didn't know what they asked me about. If I need to help on drugs or, or if I did call this number or if I did hit me up or knock on this door, you know what I'm saying? It was just that I hope you get offered. Yeah. But you know what, music cares, though, was a thing too. Okay. Because when I, because at first I wasn't braving up to ask for no help because it was so normalized around me. All my aunties and uncles, they got high. Like my grandmother had seven children, man. Everybody did, you know, heroin, crack, blow. You feel I'm saying? And everybody died from it. My mama is the only living person from my grandma and my children that that's living. But everybody didn't die of natural cause. They died from drug, drug habits and stuff like that. So saying that it was so normalized. So I couldn't go to get no help from nobody. So when I did ask my manager, Dr. Sierra, for help, she was like, okay, well, I know this dude and next thing you know, this dude was a musician. He was like, oh, I'm a musician too, man. He was like, yeah, man. And I got, you know, it's this thing called music cares. But I, it was just me getting, he was my therapist and we was, you know, I was seeing him. He assessed me and there was like, okay, well, pretty buddy got a real problem. He said, but I had the same kind of problem. You know, musician, you know, we was on the road with the bands and stuff. And he mentioned music cares. And then I ended up dodging him. I ain't like him because he wasn't saying what I wanted to hear. You know, saying like he was more on, you know, how to change and how uncomfortable it was me. So when I, I don't, I ain't no dodging him and then the day I said, okay, we end up having to call him back. And music cares just, you know, open that door for somebody that was like a rapper, you know what I'm saying? It was like a musician. Like it's a lot of buzz out there. They need it. Well, uh, kind of got me on deck, you know, I'm saying into the room. I had, uh, my best partner. He got sober two years before me. And like you said about, uh, you know, till not come y'all, but just disappeared for like a year. I ain't no way what. And one day he actually called me back, you know, I'm saying like, man, you know, I've been doing this, and that's okay, cool. And he says, I ain't really coming around because I ain't doing none of that no more. And I like, well, you ain't got the, uh, we ain't going to eat, you know what I'm saying? We ain't going to get a workout in or whatever. He told me, he said, brother, the only reason I kept hanging out with you was because you were the only one who wasn't trying to pull me back into the night. You offered the opportunity. alternative to hanging out besides whatever we used to do. So fast forward, he clean. He the only person that I know, that's actually so. That I would trust telling him that I need some help. I had a hellacious weekend, you know what I'm saying? One of a thousand. But this one was different. And I was up by three, four day, I crashed. And when I woke up, I just called him and said, "Hey, he still be going to the meetings?" He said, "Yeah, I think I might need to go to one." And he picked me up, you know what I'm saying? Took me to one. And I thought you just went in there and then something changed and you were Gucci, so I thought I'd live. I got high several times after that, a game. But then I went back with proper understanding, you know what I'm saying? Or somebody showed me the way it was like, bro, hold on. Did you get like a sponsor and all that stuff? Absolutely. Okay. Yes. That's where I still sponsor. After it, but the thing that helped me the most was I had support when I got out. Like, I think if I didn't have the support that I came home to when I got out, I think I would've started using it. Tell me about, okay, so let's talk about when you see sobriety working for you. Like, when you see it actually is turning the corner the first time you say, oh, okay, I can do this. This is, this is actually working out. It works. I feel like that every day. No, I mean, the first time. Oh, the first time I had some sort of-- When I need to get high just to do that. Oh, when I went out with my first time. When you felt like it was sobriety was actually working for you. Man, I had this job. And it wasn't the plumbing company. I'm sure it's some equally, it's some equally-- Equally in a task whack. Wow, I was working for a water mitigation company. Where the hell is that? Basically, when your house flowed. Okay. We come pumped to water. And we get wet, remove all the damaged materials, destroy things, clean up, boo, boo, get in some-- You know, bruh, because you know how to get-- If your toilet-- like, let's say your toilet back up, right? Didn't flood. And then that water sink through, whatever it's at, right? Then you can call your insurance company and be like, listen, I got water damage. But somebody has to come actually clean this up before they assess what kind of check they're going to get you. Here, into the DZ, the Boeville Cleaner Roper. You understand me? And sorry, you know, it's just-- But I was working there. I had moved out. Had got some roommates, cast El Sober as well, was paying rent in his house, paying him a bid. This is like my first time actually living, like supporting myself, man. One day I woke up, I would get in me a cup of coffee. My room had a dope. I went out on my little, you know, dope-aid patio. I smoked me a pool, I looked, I said, damn. You actually participated in life. Like, it ain't life I want to be living. It's not everything that I would love to be happening. Ain't nobody looking for me. I don't owe nobody except, you know, the finance company from a vehicle and the guy who wants this rent money. And all the other bills in Kroger, because they got the food. But I wasn't running from nobody. You feel me? Like, it wasn't on me on my phone that I went to last night and ran up a tab, and now he looking for me. It was just like, damn, I'm actually participating. You feel me? First time kicking in with a chick on so bright high. You feel me? And see, the difference with me was, when I was doing drugs, I was suppressing all my sexual, you know what I'm saying? Stuff. I got sold, but I hold it for a minute. Yeah. I hold it out for a good, you know what I mean? What you mean? Hold with that. What you talking about? Man, I was a good old hoe. I was a hoe. I thought you were saying it. Like, past tense of hold. No. That man said he was no nudie. Boop. Boop. Yeah. Hey. Okay. Yes sir. Okay. That's not good to brag about. I hope you ain't dead out. We probably won't. But listen. No man, but did you, did you, but that feeling that gave you some confidence and the energy that you hadn't had in a minute, huh? When I could look at my mom and her eyes man, and I wasn't looking away, I wasn't saying to what I had did, like, that was a big deal. When my, you know, sissing them if they could chuck me, my niece's bro. When I would get high, I would come in the house and they were very young, but they would look at me away. And they'd be like, what's wrong with you? And they wouldn't say nothing, but I could tell that they knew that I was off. And when I got sober, I could see it and they could see it was me. It was the first time I actually getting to know myself to keep it real, because this whole time I've been trying to bury who I was under all of that. And so yeah, but like really looking, being able to look at my family and not be ashamed of something. And what point was that in your subred, in your journey? When I got the first year, okay, and I say it was probably prior to that, but to most people, the year is a milestone, you know what I'm saying, like, you mean, how your life and then you finally get to a year, it's a big deal. What I didn't know, well, that's when the work actually started. That first year, it kind of was like a blur, you know, like, you go through it. But after then, you know, I just got five, and now it's like, oh shit, nigga, this is like, right. You know what I'm saying, like, if you think about it, they, we call them birthdays, right? So your sober birthday, right? So no matter how old I am, when I get to my first sober birthday, it's like I'm one years old. So at three months old, I'm an infant. This is how hard it is to deal with. Like imagine just sitting a baby on that couch and just telling a baby, hey man, you good? You know what I'm saying, the baby crying, need change, you can't eat. You gotta forget about us. He's a man who knows from that down, baby, man, it's just over there making noise. And then you leave out the hot disc, but this is the equivalent of trying to learn how to live without drugs and knockout. And so, you know, you get six one, now I'm six months old. Once I got to a year, okay, I can walk, I can manage to, I'm a toddler. And now, F-5, you ready for killin' a good? Almost. Because I got kept back high school. That shit, like what people don't realize is that when you pick up drugs, right, you stop all production and like, you feel what I'm saying? Like when I started doing drugs at 16, well I started doing weed around 12, you feel what I'm saying? So do we? Yeah. Like F-5, stop production and live the weed. Yeah. It slowed down everything. It changed my trajectory on who I hang with. If I did work, what I, you know, you're going to start going to juvenile, you're going to pick up a gun. It changed my whole trajectory once I decided that, oh, I want to be a weed person. You feel me? No, the football was, you know, secondary now. You playing football? Yeah, 'til I got shot. Mmm. I was running a bit. So every, every, throughout the addiction, I stopped when I was 16. When I got off drugs, and I got five years too, but when I got off drugs, I went back to 16. Exactly. I had to learn to stop burping, digging in my nose, pull up your pants, stop being rude, don't be selfish. I was like, I'm gonna fucked up in the visual. You feel me because I didn't know how to treat people, but it all went back to when did you start doing drugs because you forgot to progress at this point. You feel the same? Stop just going to live. I was just starting, then, you know, on top of that, I became celebrity. So that was that. Don't top of that. You feel the same? I can, I can very much so appreciate God for the grace that I've been given. In this, um, in this journey of mine, you know what I'm saying? This immersive, this immersive, I don't deserve it at all. Now, now, what about today, today, when you're having like a fucked up day, terrible moment? How do you deal with those terrible moments in your sobriety? One. I mean, well, one day at a time, I guess that's what you would say. One moment at a time? You have to. Sometimes any sucks, bro, the blessing is, I just deal with it. I don't go putting that on top of it. Right. Just don't make it work man, listen that's it. You got to sit in the moment Just sit I always used to say like I didn't ever want to sit in the moment like quiet no phone no TV Some people I used to be so scared of like here in silence I'm I can sit with myself in here broke TV on let the wind up. Let me see a car going by You've ever had anything to distract me from sitting with these monsters in my head What these these this trauma from the childhood, you know, I was just at my 20 year anniversary and a lady was like my my friend was like so How you not you know deal with you know everybody having fun? They drinking and they doing that thing. I said well Wasn't front of me right now. It's not more important than what's you know in my future You know, I'm saying everybody might have a cup right here, but what's in my future this this couldn't matter more than what that is Right, and this goes different for me than it goes for them They can have However many drinks they want they could smoke have many blunts. They won't they're gonna go home, bro Mm-hmm, and they're gonna go to sleep Mm-hmm, and they have a home to go to while I was getting hybrid. I had no I mean I had a place to live but it was not mine You know something I couldn't put nothing together Nothing When I if if I smoke it looks very harmless, you see people smoke a blend right on I'm not a weed hater. I'm not an alcohol. Hey, I'm not a drug hater. Man, in fact, I love those things so much I can't do them at all. Mm-hmm. You feel me because any little bit it goes all the way Mm-hmm, and you know it's funny all the progress that's been that's occurred over these five years One drink is over Yeah, that's that's right right like out of all the time we got One second it changed all of it. That's what's scary about it You feel me I'm one step away from being back who I was It don't take what one second All the way back all the way up to my like no if you and if you who if you if you Who I am are you going back? I'm trying to because I don't know how to do something. It's just like how I dress When you see me, man, I got this shit on so far. I got to get it surgically removed off That's how I am with anything. You're feeling I try to go I go over and beyond you know I mean so I know that you know people be saying you don't drink no more you don't slow no more I'd be like yeah, but that's that's good for you because I was gonna be a maniac around you You're gonna say like that's that's good for you not me. I'm gonna have a good time But you was gonna be got to him discouraged by the time I got What about triggers like what's it? What's a trigger that you that you still I have to deal with in some bread. I'm the trigger, man There I know It is me And I am the trigger, bro. I am the problem. I Am the issue you know that I realized when I stopped getting high that was when I realized what the fuck was wrong with me See all this is just a symptom of a deeper issue Right then when that gets removed then the real issue bubbles up So I was crazier Early in somebody then I was when I was getting not going. I was getting how I was taking the meds for my mind and soul condition Once I stopped taking the medication didn't the condition just Well, you said I'm selfish. You know crazy. I'm still young. I'm moody Lazy undisturbed you know I'm saying all these things, but not as far as triggers, bro. It is me my trees would be If something don't go my way or if If something happens and I can't control it You feel the same if I can't control the outcome on something and it happens in a way that I'm I disagree I go get hot because that's what I can control You feel the same like if like if I have a a Spat with a girl and you know, and I'm about to go transition to another woman. I'm transitioning High, you know, it's anything like I can't control whatever if I can control it and I'm gonna get on drugs something I can and till I can Which is crazy what did addiction convince you of about yourself that you that your sobriety taught you wasn't true That I look good while I was high I used to give a mirror trying on shit. I used to like this shit I look at it now. I was like, oh the needle, bro It made me think that things were Away and and it messed up. It kind of like messed up my vision It messed up my train of thought and I just actually think that I was okay And I couldn't see it like but now days when I look at it. I'm like damn. It's cringe Things that your addiction Convinced you about yourself that just sobriety taught you wasn't true. Oh That I was Normal Like that I like that. That's it. It's something that I did was just normal, you know Addiction convinced me. I Thought it was normal to just pull up on your partner house at 5 a.m. You I got folk now you call them Jack They knew every night Yeah, it's best wind in the sun. Yeah, I just pull up at a high because they knew it with me. Yeah And I sit in driveway and get high on my car From like 4 a.m. to buy whenever they came out to house Sometimes if they was up and then would like like it with a weekend, they would come on be like a brother. You know you can come in You ain't got to sit out here like I'm literally sitting in the car with the car running just out there having a party by myself It also taught me One thing that I thought was true that I had found not to be true It I thought that I needed to keep everything a secret and people were not to be consulted about major plans Being sober has taught me that that is a very ignorant way to go about things Because every successful business has a board of directors there are people who pass ideas back and forth So I shouldn't it's not that I should doubt myself, but if my idea is that good it'll at least stand up To a bit of criticism. You see what I'm saying like I can't be afraid to talk about anything Because before I didn't talk about nothing right and I was the judge and the jury And man I lost all the cases You don't say every case when I'm just the judge and the jury, but I always I love I love and I was the one beside You hear with the honorable judge shatting in this presiding and he is guilty All right, so on national sobriety date September 14, man What is one message you want anyone struggling with alcohol or substance addiction To hear from you today My famous line would be It's okay to admit that you walk into the wrong door than to spend a lifetime in the wrong room You don't have to sit in that mistake. You can just say you know what I'm in the wrong spot Like some people getting that room and be like well since I'm in him pass the goddamn plate or give me the peel or keep going and drown deeper and deeper Please just admit man. I'm in the wrong spot man. You know, it's okay to make a mistake. Just don't live in the mistake Um right on right on you did I would say You may not have the same consequences as other people Um, I listen to folk stories that totally obliterate mine. I have not been to prison Uh, no, have my soul copious amounts of narcotics. I was not Overly abused as a child. You know, I'm saying I don't have a horror story but That don't mean it. I'm not just as fucked up as a nigga who got one of them stories It's better to have a mom in a clarity, bro And tell yourself the truth Because you're not fooling anybody else anyway All the people who I thought I had food they knew that I was fucked up And they could not believe that I thought that they didn't know And one till I got that for a matter of fact for the question that you add that was the one thing That uh, I believe in my addiction and sobriety taught me what was totally wrong I thought that everybody didn't know how fucked up I was Me too and and they damn show me damn so I say to you man Keep it real with yourself and if you can't if people are telling you you might need some help Everybody's not wrong. Mm-hmm Listen, bro This shit really is life or death and don't bargain with yourself I don't have to accept that everything is off the menu for me And that's okay Because the life that I get to live is far better than the one that I was living when I want to to be doing what I saw everybody else doing. - Damn, finally, finally. Tell the people, you know, the people watching, man, who feel like, well, shit, man, I just smoke a blunt here and there, man. I don't even really be, man, you know what I mean? I just got, you know, take a perk when they're around. I don't have to, I don't go to a rent to a day. I have a drink and then, what's the difference from somebody who pick it up when they pick it up, put it down, leave it, and not have what one would say in addition from somebody who need to really get some help. What's the difference? - Oh, glad you said that. 'Cause I want to make this clear. I ain't talking to nobody who ain't got a problem. - But how did they know? How would they know if they don't work? - Yeah, I knew I had a problem. When I did not want to do it and I did it anyway. - Hmm. - I will wake up and say, we are not getting high today. First off, I talk to myself as if there are two people. Because I say we, repeatedly. I say, we are not getting high today. I don't know who the fuck we is, but we're not gonna do it. And I would leave the house fully intending on not getting lit. - Yeah. - And it's like I had an internal GPS, bro, I just pull up to the spot. I done sat in front of the track and cried in the car because I did not want to get out the car. And I eventually got out the car. Went up to the dirt, like I don't walk to the dirt back. Took like, man, I don't wanna do this. And I could not, I had to do it. I had the important stuff to do. And I would forego whatever appointment I had. It be it family, business or whatever to make sure I had, though. I have missed shows that to pick up a pack. When it overrides everything else, it's a problem, bro. It's like for one, you have to be aware of what actually are you doing. You're taking a control substance, right? Until it's out of control. Once it becomes out of control, you could be the perk once a month taker. You know, but one time, one time is gonna be, is gonna show up and you're gonna miss something. Like I said, and represent a time like the devil take your soul and increments. So he'll take the one percent, you know what I'm saying? But out of a 20 year span, how much did you give me? And I've learned that addiction is patient. It's very patient. And the devil is too, when he won't show us. So he'll take your one percent. He'll take your two percent until 20 years pass by now I have six percent of you. You're gonna say, how much do you have left? 40% where you better hold on to that month of a month coming again, you feel what I'm saying? So be careful about what you're taking and how much you're taking. - I think another thing that was surprised people, 'cause it surprised me, is how much everybody is doing something. Everybody doing something. I don't give a damn what it is. Some people don't smoke, but they do got miss. Some people don't drink alcohol, but you know, they got a little Xandex, they're nanny and they take the go to sleep. Some people, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm talking about teachers, lawyers, doctors, pilots, motherfucking polices. Everybody, that shit is staggering. How much everybody doing something. The fraction of people who are like, "Y'all, I'm not gonna say me." Because I still have me a drink on several occasions, more than, well, right now, right now, you don't know alcohol, you don't know sugar, you don't know cold. You don't know alcohol, you don't know sugar, no cold. So I'm clean, you know, I'm clean. I'm clean, man. But just to be a, the fraction of people who, like, "Y'all, just don't do nothing." That shit is, man, probably less than 2% of the population, man. - I'd say this, there's a lot of sober people. - Yeah, that's a lot of sober people. - There's a lot of sober people, because I think the world is being ran by people. Like, it's a lot of people in play that really don't do anything. - Now, let me ask you that. Would you call somebody the sober who have, let's say they went to psychiatric and they've been put on, you know, zolyphal, whatever those. - Yes, yes. - Thorazine, are they sober? - Yes, you are. Because, like, that's just like, the medicine that you have to take. Like, I have mental issues. So I have to take like, "Oshwagunder," I have to take whatever it's prescribed for. - I have shagunder? - Yeah, I have to, whatever's prescribed for me, I have to take it and you can't hold that against me. - Okay. - Because it helps. - Right. - So, you know what I'm saying? Like, now, if I start to abuse it, then I have a problem, you know what I'm saying? Like, out of all, some people have, some people take out of all, for a reason, then they turn around and abuse it. You're feeling what I'm saying? Like, now you have a problem. So, I wouldn't put that on you if you take out of all, and you have to take it. - Right. - Yeah, you're a sober, you know what I mean? - I would consider it. - Right. - I have no, uh, uh, crimes with that. I, I, man, I was in the, uh, Marine or the Navy Seals of sobriety, very early on, you know what I'm saying? - Like, I didn't know that. - I didn't bad listen. I don't know. Apparently, that was what I needed. Because I never would have selected, like, of my own volition, like, had I known what I was getting into. I was, you know, hell no. But, of how I was greater than myself was very aware that this was the extreme that I needed. To be able to actually get sober, you know what I'm saying? And so, now, I don't think none of that got anything to do with nothing. I know for me, myself, I don't take any meds, but I drink coffee. - Okay. - You know what I'm saying? I, you know, I use tobacco. - Okay. - So, you know, some people, you know, my weed smoking plant will be like, "See, man, you're still smoking them square." - Hey, shut the fuck up. - Because, the fuck up. I can't do what you do. Even when I did what you do, I still wanted to square. - Yeah. - Huh? Yeah. I tried it. Yeah. I tried to be one of them stoner. They're just back-to-back. Me and John, whatever the fuck it was, I was like, "Man, we're the nicotine." - Mmm. - I take natural supplements, man. And see, I go ginkgo, I go ashwagunder, I drink tea, the calm stress, calm tea. - I drink it. - You know, it helps me with my episodes and things that I go through with my mental, you know, it keeps me calm, you know what I mean? - I go nuked. - And if I'm not on it, I go crazy. You go nuked. - I go nuked, I go for all just crystals. - I go goddamn, I'm in milk cream, I don't. - Oh! - Oh! - Yeah! - Oh, man! - You don't know about that. I'm in cream with you. - Yeah, I'm in. - Yeah, I go whole fruits. - Okay, whole fruits. - That's how you do it for us, yeah. - I just made up a name for the whole fruit. - Yeah, man. - Well, I want to tell both of y'all, man, on these days, man, National Subrider Day, I want you to tell both of y'all that we are all proud of you, man, and we definitely salute your sobriety's progression, man. - And we just want to be here to support you as much as we can, however we can. - This is a five-year trip for you, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Wow, man. - Oh, man. - I appreciate that ganger. - Bye, y'all. - Yeah, son, yeah, we got, yeah. - Can we win your birthday? - January 15th. - Yeah, my birthday, August 2nd. - He talked about the 2nd birthday. - Oh, my birthday. - On April the 11th. - Okay, right now, yeah, my 2nd birthday, August the 2nd. - You feel me, so he's up with-- - Hey, check this out. Well, you say April the 11th. Check out how, so your fur birthday is 1-1-5, and your sobriety birthday is 4-1-1. - That's crazy. - Ain't that. - That's all right. - All right, then. - Won him with him. - He did. - Yes, sir. - Man, hey, listen, bro, this has been a phenomenal discussion. And if anybody out there, man, has heard some of the resonates with him and need some help, man, you get fired. Young Drove. - Yes. And he got places for you. And he got all the, you know, all the information you need. - It still takes a village dot org. - It still takes a village dot org, we can put that up. Deez-y. - You got Fat Man Deez-y. It's just send me a DM. - Oh, it's your grant. - I don't have a website. And go to the Young Drove website. - Still takes a village dot org. - Still take a village dot org. But if you want to book me for a comedy show, you know what I'm saying, tap in with me at Fat Man Deez-y. The F-A-T-T-M-A-N-D-E-E-Z-Y on all platforms. - Yeah, I mean-- - You feel me? - Yeah, man. - Yeah. - Hey, man, it can't be done. - Thank you, sir. - You can do it. - They've done it. And many other people have helped for your support. So, yeah, man, it's good to see y'all, man. It's good to see y'all, man, and your sobriety, really, man, thrive. - It's good to be sitting, that's me. - You feel-- - Yeah, that part, that part. - Now, man, as you all-- as you already know, 'cause y'all ain't no stranger to the show. We have a segment called Word of the Day. Word of the Day for today's show is Cedulus. - Cedulus. - Cedulus. Means working hard and never giving up. up. And to use it in the Senate, Young Drow and Deezzy's sobriety journey reflects Ascidulus commitment to recovery. Right home. We dig it. Yeah man. I dig it. You dig, Jack. I dig, Jack, Jack, Jack, dude. Amen. And like that, this has been Expeditious. September 14th is National Sober Day. If you need help, please call Music Cares at 1-800-687-4227, or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Hotline at 1-800-662-HELP-4357, or the Suicide and Crisis Hotline at 9-8-8. This is Expeditiously. I am to T.I.A.