My Story of Release, Reset, and Restoration

When I was told, basically, you have to give all of this up and you literally need to be checked into the hospital. I was at my lowest moment. Even though I still was in denial, I was completely broken. I didn't have anyone that I was going to lean on. I didn't have a family that was going to say, "Oh, you know what? This doesn't work out. We're going to jump in and take care of you." It was like, "Sink or swim." I just really took the time to sit in the discomfort. There were days where I literally just sat on the floor of my apartment in Miami and cried, spending that year and a half alone, going through that transformation and honing in on what felt like my path forward was what created the space for me to receive the life that I have now. To my younger self, like, you did it. I'm just, I'm really proud. Welcome to Nourish with Natalie. This is my first solo episode and truly the first episode of this podcast. It's been something that I have wanted to do for a really long time in the sense of wanting to share the story and share my story, but also carrying a lot of shame around it. And over the years, I've amassed some bravery and decided that withholding this is not doing myself any justice. And my goal for this podcast is to really create a space where we can tell the stories that shape us and talk about the transformative moments that have redirected our lives to put us on a better path forward. And I feel like I'm finally at that point in my life where I've made a lot of shifts both small and major to be here sitting and ready to kind of tell you about some of those resets. So, you know, over the course of this podcast, I really hope that it becomes a space where those stories are told and where there's tangible action that can be taken or just hopefully help someone that happens to be listening. So, I like to start every episode by asking my guests what when they knew they needed to make a major reset in their lives. And I think based off of that, it's probably appropriate for me to answer that question in the same way. So, when I think about when everything really shifted, there were definitely many moments, right? I've been through a lot in my life and as has everyone, but in 2017, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. And it was something I'm sure that I struggled with for many years prior. But most of the time until there's a pretty large catalyst, it's something that kind of is potentially there in the background. And then all of a sudden, it's built up and built up and it becomes something much greater than what you knew was really happening. So, in 2017, I was really struggling with an eating disorder. A lot of people were very concerned. And I honestly thought that they were out of their minds. I was like, "What are you talking about? I just eat really healthy. I'm, you know, overly healthy. I manage my diet. I do a ton of yoga, I do a ton of meditation. I work all the time. Like, you just don't get it." And people that had known me most of my life continued to express their concerns in a very vocal way. And I would kind of just like shut them out, you know, whatever it was. I just didn't want to hear it. When I finally agreed to, you know, go to the doctor, my doctor basically said, "I have no idea how you walked in here. Your heart rate is in the 20s and either you go to treatment or I'm calling an ambulance because you literally cannot even be standing. I don't know how you're still breathing." That, I would say, was a point you would think you knew you needed a major reset. But eating disorders are extremely mental. They're extremely draining both on your mental health, your physical well-being and just your heart. Even then, I still denied having one. When a healthcare professional was looking me in the eyes and telling me, "You're not healthy." I still thought that I was doing all of the right things. And I think a big part of that is also the world that we live in. A lot of the research shows right now that there hasn't been a significant increase because of social media and all of these things. In eating disorders as a whole, but I tend to disagree. I think subconsciously we absorb a lot of media and content that we don't realize impacts us. But if you're not familiar with how these things kind of start, it's usually from unresolved trauma and it then kind of manifests in a much deeper way. Whether it's through addiction or eating disorders or, you know, whatever it is. There's always some type of catalyst, as I mentioned. So, like I said, I thought that I was going to hit this kind of hard reset during that time and that's really not what happened. I ended up going to treatment and it's something that we'll talk a lot more about as we go through these episodes and as we get more kind of ingrained with different guests and different healthcare professionals, etc. But that was kind of what I feel like set everything in motion. So, I go through this extremely, you know, traumatic experience. I am ripped away from my job, from my boyfriend at the time. Everything that I had worked so hard to build is all of a sudden gone. And I am completely restricted. I'm in the hospital. I have no control over what is going into my body in the sense of like, you're going through this refeeding syndrome and you're being told what to eat. You are doing everything you can to just get your baseline back to normal. And by baseline, I mean your resting heart rate, your mineral levels, all of these things that you need to function as a human being. All I'm thinking about is, I can't wait to get back to New York. Like, they don't even understand who I am, like what I was building. This career that I've worked so hard for. So, fast forward, I, you know, I'm in treatment for a pretty long time. I come back to New York and it was at that point that I kind of realized you're always in recovery. It's not something that just goes away. And the more that I've thought about it, the more that I realize. In most other addictions, you can kind of remove the environment, right? You can remove alcohol if you're an alcoholic. If you are around drugs, you can hopefully remove drugs. Eating is a source of life, right? So every single day it is breakfast, lunch, dinner, it's something that is essential to overall human function. So it's not something that you can kind of ever avoid and it wasn't until I started to really fall in love with cooking again and the artistry behind it and going to Italy because I lived in New York at the time and looking at different ingredients and actually wanting to cook and open a bottle of wine. This is like a small side note, but during that time I became a small yea and that was also something that was more of a creative element in the sense of finding a different path forward because what they told me in treatment was, you know, just eat basically. Like you need to go to therapy eight hours a day, you need to eat, you need to kind of restrict more in the sense of like the content that you absorb. You should not talk to people that suffer eating disorders. It's more restrictive versus being more open to alternative methods of healing, which is how I live my life. I'm a very holistic person. I'm not someone that wants to be on prescription medication. I don't believe that it helps. I believe that it actually hurts and kind of reinforces this feeling of almost needing a band aid. Like you're not really fixing the root of the problem. You're really just trying to medicate. I would say so that you don't feel the pain of it. I really wanted to get to the root of it and try to figure out a better path forward versus just eat. So all that to be said, you know, I go through this very traumatic thing. I'm living back in New York. I start cooking a lot more. At that point, I still was working a ton. I moved to New York when I was 17 years old. I started working when I was 14 and I had a very traumatic upbringing. I lost my father when I was really young. My parents went through a very nasty divorce. I have a history of sexual abuse when I was a child. And so all of these things were just repressed for a very long time, which, like I said, manifested into this catalyst, which was the eating disorder. I went through a ton of therapy while dealing with them, but then coming back to New York, I kind of just jumped right back into this fast pace way of life. And I was working in fashion, so I was really around an environment that was very vain in some senses. You know, it was all about the outfits that you were wearing. The shoes, the runways, the fashion shows, whatever it was, the travel, the social light life, living in New York City. And being exposed to that at a very young age is. incredibly impactful. And if I could go back, would I take it back? Probably not, because it's made me the way that I am. It's been a huge contributing factor to my drive and to my ambition and I'm beyond thankful for it. But having a stepdaughter now that looks up to me and that I would do anything in the world to protect, would I say yes, moved to New York at 17 years old? Absolutely not. I would say you're not leaving the house till you're 30. So, you know, jumping back into this life that just became super fast pace once again after coming out of treatment, something that was extremely emotional, very draining, was definitely not something I thought about in terms of having such a, still having such an impact. Like I truly thought, nope, you're totally fine. I was in a relationship still. My partner at the time had stayed with me through treatment. We were together for six years in total. We met also when I was fairly young. So, I came back to New York. I am still trying to build my career. I end up, you know, kind of getting a new job, moving more into the private equity, consulting world, E-Com, and I'm really focused on building brands. And again, all of my energy is going into these brands and into other founders and to other companies versus myself and what I truly needed to be nourished. And so, I spend a few more years doing that. I end up going through COVID in New York with my partner. And again, it's, you know, another situation where life throws so many things at you. And along the way, you kind of, I would say, get stuck in the same patterns because you're like, oh, well, this is happening right now. Like I can't make this change because now it's COVID. Or, you know, I was going to change my job, but now it's COVID. Or well, my relationship is kind of on the rock. So, I better stick to my job. Whatever it is. So, I end up being in this relationship for a bit longer than I probably should have because obviously, you're navigating COVID and notice credit to him, you know, he stuck by me through a lot of things. We go through COVID, working continuously. My job becomes more demanding based on the role that I had taken on at this company that was previously private, was, you know, very founder, led, ends up getting sold to private equity firms. So, there's an investment responsibility. There's a responsibility to a shareholder. I was 21 years old, 22 years old, and I was a part of the IPO process. So, it was just all of these things that I was so young to be moving at such a pace and exposed to so many things, which again, a blessing, but with anything in life, like there's always a con. I continue to kind of go down this spiral. My relationship is very rocky and we end up deciding to kind of go our separate ways. And once again, instead of, you know, focusing on myself and what I need, I jump into another relationship with somebody who was my best friend at the time. And that is when I feel as though things probably should have taken a major reset many times before that. This is when, you know, the story just continues to probably go the wrong direction. I'm in this relationship. This person was younger and had his own stuff to deal with, which is not my story to share, but it didn't give me the space again to focus on myself, which was a mistake in hindsight. Also, coming out of a six-year relationship where you went through treatment, hospitalization, then you come back to New York, you jump back into work, and then you are going through COVID together. I should have taken much more time for myself and moved forward instead of like jumping into another relationship where you put, other, put someone else's needs before your own. And that is just the truth in most relationships. You, it's 50/50. So you focus a lot more on your partner, your partner focuses on you, whatever it is. You can't find yourself in a relationship. And I know that sounds very cliche, but it really is the truth. So I end up kind of getting into this relationship and then towards the end of it, things were just not good. I was not happy with myself. I knew that he was not happy. I was not happy with my job. And just kind of like living in New York, I just, I felt super burnt out after being in the corporate world for so many years. And so that led me to what the true reset was, and that was me leaving New York. I decided kind of on a whim that I really needed a change. We decided to break up because the relationship was just bringing out the worst parts of each other. And we break up, I'm like, you know what, I need a major change. And I just do not think that I can do that in New York City. It's a city that I love more than anything in this world. It practically raised me. I was 17 when I moved there. I was 27 years old when I left. I'm like, you know what, let's go to Miami. I still needed to be on the East Coast for work, given that I was still working East Coast hours. I decided to come here. And I did not, I knew some people, but I did not know, I didn't have family here. Like, I didn't have my best friends here. All my best friends were in New York. And I'm like, you know what, we're just going to do it. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm being led here. So move to Miami, end up getting a place in edgewater. I just really took the time to sit in the discomfort. There were days where I literally just sat on the floor of my apartment in Miami and cried. I will never forget this story where I was getting a bunch of furniture delivered. I ordered this one rug from Nordic Nautz. And I decide that I'm going to try to bring it upstairs myself. So this 10 by 12 rug, I am trying to unroll in the, in my empty apartment. And I'm like, beyond exhausted at this point, I've, you know, been moving, I moved from New York, whatever exhausted. I roll it out. And it is just not at all what I expected. And I just sat on this rug and cried because I was like, how much more? And if that is not symbolic of like what I was going through during that period, I don't know what was. So I end up deciding that I'm going to find my yoga place. I'm going to slowly kind of build my community in Miami. And that's what I worked really hard to do, even though I was so incredibly alone for the first time in my life. I start going to this incredible yoga studio. It's Mimi Yoga in Winwood. And it's where I met a lot of my best friends and friends that are a huge part of my life now. I then hear that they're doing a teacher training. I for many, many years had wanted to do this teacher training, but it had never been the right time. I never could find the time to take off of work. I was always in a relationship. There was just never a moment for me to be like, you know what, I'm going to commit to this. And I don't have any other commitments in terms of relationships or family, whatever it is. I'm going to commit to this and I'm going to do this because it's what I want to do. So decide to do it. And that was truly something that just like completely broke me open. It showed me a side of myself that I like didn't know was there. I guess I did, but there was just a softness. That's when things really, really shifted. And there was a lot of discomfort. There were a lot of days where it was long hours. And it's a very opening experience. So I mean, you're doing a lot of different meditative poses and just different meditations in general. And so there was a lot of time for thinking. I start doing the full practice basically. And at that point, you know, it wasn't necessarily prepared to teach. I didn't know if it was something that I wanted, but I knew that I wanted a change. And I was still working remotely for my corporate job. So I decided that I was going to quit my corporate job and just basically have a serious reset. So now we're talking, you know, I moved states. I did this yoga training that I wanted to do for so many years. And now I am quitting my corporate job, which was not something I ever thought I would do, especially in a place of so much instability. Right? Like I didn't have anyone that I was going to lean on. I didn't have a family that was going to say, Oh, you know what? Like we're going to jump in and take care of you. It was like sink or swim. I decided to take the savings that I have to invest back into starting my own company. I felt like I had made enough connections in the corporate world to start my consulting business. And so slowly but surely every single day, I would go to yoga. I would come home. I would put on the same circuit at the playlist from Armano Gutierrez. And I would spend I'm not Not kidding, 8 hours a day. building a brand deck, building a business structure, and just doing everything I could to like, zone in on the path that I thought was my future. Most of those nights, like I didn't have a partner, I had some friends, but like my friends had lives, marriages, all of these things. And so I would work until 10, 11 o'clock at night because what else was I gonna do? But spending that year and a half alone, going through that transformation and like, honing in on what felt like my path forward was what created the space for me to receive the life that I have now. We'll obviously get more into all of this in every single episode, but long story short, after about a year and a half of like, truly being alone and like, yes, having fun and like making friends and like, building my community in Miami, I happened to run into my now husband in my lobby, and he was there for our basil, had purchased a condo in my building, and we ended up meeting and it ends up becoming kind of this full circle moment that kind of like, led me to him. When I think about it, like, there's no way that I would have been ready for him and I's relationship had I not spent that year and a half alone doing the work on myself, sitting in the discomfort, even when it was hard in order to just be better and to like regulate everything that I had gone through over the 11 years of my life in New York. That was when I felt like, okay, this major reset that I did, it actually worked. And now I'm in this place of restorative practices and all of these things are kind of coming to life now, like my inspiration to wanna do this podcast. Yes, I've talked about it for a lot of years because I knew that getting out of treatment, I wanted to do something that helped people. I wanted to provide some type of insight in effort to share my story, share what really went on in these treatment centers and throughout my hospitalization to make an impact. But I never was in the right place to actually share it. I had so much shame around it. I hadn't done any work to actually let go of that story and doing the work has now given me the opportunity to have clarity, which I think is why I'm in such a place now to start all of these new chapters, including nourished. That is how the release, which is why I wanna start every single episode with releasing what happened, then moving into this element of, okay, well, what was the reset? What did you do to change your entire life after this extremely traumatic event caught up to you? And now how are you restoring? What are the daily practices that you're doing? What is your why now? Like why are you moving forward? And so that's where I'm at. And I'm just super excited to be able to kind of share my story with everyone who's listening and to really use nourished as a place for my own curiosity. I, by no means am an expert in recovery. I'm not an expert in health and the many aspects that go into addiction or disorders. I am not a therapist and I'm not going to provide therapeutic advice. I want to sit down with experts so that I can learn and so that the listener can also learn. So I asked my team because I'm kind of in the hot seat today. I asked them to pull some questions for me that they have kind of always wanted me to answer but have maybe been afraid to ask. These stories, even if you're my best friend, I think people feel very on edge to ask because they don't know if you're ashamed of them or if you're sensitive to people asking about them, whatever it is. So these are some questions. The first question they wanted me to answer is, if your story had a chapter called the breaking point, what would it be? I think the breaking point, I mean, what I was truly broken and at my lowest was definitely being put in treatment. I hadn't moved to New York when I was 17 years old and done everything in my power to build a career, to establish a life for myself, to be taken seriously being the youngest one in the room. When I was told, basically, you have to give all of this up and you literally need to be checked into the hospital, I was at my lowest moment. And we'll talk more about this in other episodes because I really want to talk about what my experience in treatment was. But I'll never forget kind of going into this facility and waking up in the morning and literally having nurses with you to check your vitals to make sure that your resting heart rate was high enough to not need an IV first thing in the morning. And so I would say that's by far the lowest point. I think you can go in these facilities. You're not allowed to have a phone. So everything life, as you know it, is just completely cut off. Another question, what was the catalyst that forced you to reimagine your life? I would say moving to Miami. When I moved to Miami, it was a completely different environment. And obviously there's been a lot of different things that have happened in my life where I've had to pivot. And I think you have to do that in life because it's the only way that you grow, it's the only way that you evolve. But moving to Miami forced me to slow down. And that was not something I knew how to do. I was up every morning at 5 AM doing two workouts before going to my job by 8, working till 8 PM. And honestly doing it all over again if it didn't include like a client dinner that was out later, whatever. Moving to Miami, I was forced to slow down and to think about what I wanted for my future. And the catalyst-- the catalyst was honestly that. It was just such a huge change. It was knowing that New York was not serving me anymore. It was actually contributing to my health in a negative way. It was not contributing to my career in a positive way or just the legacy that I wanted to continue to build. OK. What have you built in your life now that your younger self wouldn't have believed? There's a lot of things I would say, for sure, the career, the experiences and the company that I managed to build by the time I was 28. I'm super proud of that. And if you told me that I was going to do all of that when I was younger, I would have maybe believed you, but probably not thought it would have been done at such a young age. By far, the most important is the family that I am building now. I am a product of divorce. And just that entire idea of family was not something that I honestly wanted to build. I was so afraid of having a child or getting married and repeating those same patterns that I wanted to stay as far away from it as possible. And now I'm building that. And it's so fulfilling. And it's something that I really never thought that I would do, given my history. So to my younger self, you did it. And I don't know. I'm just-- I'm really proud. So with that being said, I feel like I've talked a lot. I've shared a lot. But I am so excited to be starting this new chapter, to be starting nourish something that I have truly thought about and jumped about for so long. And I really want to create a community here. So please, I am so open and wanting to hear feedback. I want to know all of your questions, whether it's about me or just any of the subjects that I've touched on. Like I said, really want this to be a place where curiosity is a primary factor. So please comment below, subscribe, and ask your questions. I want to know about the type of guests that you guys want to hear on just anything. Honestly, what you're more interested to hear about and what we can do to really talk about these subjects that don't have a space to be discussed. It's everything from trauma to addiction to discovery of the path forward, the rituals, the longevity aspects, the balance, right? Like the balance between ambition and kind of living a more balanced life. so that everything doesn't feel rushed. I just really want to create a community here where it feels like a super-save space to share the stories that truly have I know shaped me and I'm sure there's so many stories that have shaped you guys and you know, just everything that you're carrying in general. So with that being said, thank you guys so much for listening to this episode. Please follow us on Instagram, subscribe to the podcast where ever you listen to your podcast, you can message me, I am always here. Please leave comments, ask questions, and let me know what you want to hear more of. I am really excited to be starting this journey with you and to be learning and growing and just doing all the things. So thank you so much.