My Soul Will Always Be Fat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

(car horn honking) - 100%. (car horn honking) - Welcome to another episode. Two bears won K, we're here in Burt's Lair. It's been a minute, dude, how you doing? How you feeling? - Weak. - Wait, why are you feeling weak? - 'Cause I'm skinny now, and this is what skinny people feel like. - They feel weak, they're not powerful. - How are you so skinny, what happened? - Natural, not using any drugs. - It's good. - It's just self-discipline. You know, I get up at five in the morning and I go to the gym, and then I barely sleep at night. I do cold plunge, I do aroma therapy, I do red light therapy. - Awesome. - You know, I get my vitamin D, I say my gratitude, I journal, - Wow. - Yeah, I do all this stuff. - And then I go right back to bed. - Yeah. - No, I'm so fucking tired of this health-fit movement. - I just gave up, I'm on my gyro. - Yeah, and it's been how long? - I just took my fourth shot, Sunday. - And so in a month, how much are you down? - 25 pounds. - That's pretty ridiculous, man. - It's, yeah, I tell you, I don't know if I would, I would recommend it if it's a health thing. - Like if you need to for your health benefits. - Yeah, so I sent you my-- - Your dexascan. - My dexascan, and it was, I went to the doctor and I said, my cardiologist, and I had blood work for waist well, and my doctor was like, you're weighing in pretty heavy. Like this is the heaviest you've been. And I was like, I think I was 275 last time, and he's like 274 and 275 are the same, pretty much. - You made the point to say I'm only 274. - And then I told him, you know I'm really strong. So, and I don't know if you know this, but muscle weighs more than fat. - You told him your cardiologist is? - Yeah, he was like, wow. I went to muscles and I said, I benched 325 this year, and he was like, really? And then he just said casually, I benched 315 in med school. And I was like, shut the fuck up. Like when did it take my-- - Yeah. - What are we doing? - Why are you big time in me, dude? - Yeah. And then he said, you know, we have a machine to tell you exactly how much muscle's in there. And I'd love for you to do it. And fucking Lee Ann was in there. She's like, book it, book it. I'll take him right now. - And so they took me and I didn't really totally fit on the Dexascan machine, like my arms are falling off of it. I couldn't get him close to me. So I had to hold my arms tight. And they did my Dexascan and it was like, I sent it to you, I forget what my numbers were. - Yeah. - But it was like, 45% fat. - It was, yeah, I mean, I don't think it was that high. But it was-- - It was, it was, hang on. I'll tell you the exact, I just texted it to you. - Yeah, I have, I have it. - But it was, 45% fat, I think it was ridiculous. It was like 40% fat at least. But he said there was 90 pounds of fat sitting in my stomach. - Yeah, yeah, that's your danger area. So that's, so do you, do you are doing it for health reasons, right? - Well, he told me, you're not diabetic. You're not pre-diabetic. You know, all your numbers are fine. Even my liver numbers are fine. Everything's fine. He's like, but having said that, I think you need this to get rid of that visceral fat. He goes, visceral fat's a killer. And he's like, you know, I'm looking at your liver, I'm mammogramming it or saw him gramming it. And he goes, I'm supposed to see a line right here but I can't because there's so much fat. And he was like, and he was like, you need to lose that. And so I said, well, I don't want to do it. I don't want to, because you know, there's, I don't know what the fuck, but everyone's turned it. And I'm sure we'll get tons of comments going cheater, whatever they want to say about it. But that was how I felt. When people used ozampic, I was like, why didn't you use put in the work, why didn't you just find self control? Why didn't you do, I always said that. I did say that. And then I saw Amy Schimmer's picture. And I was like, holy shit, she looks fucking amazing. And the doctor said, I can give this to you and you can take it or I'll see you in three months and you'll be 300 pounds. And I was like, okay, and I came back and I was like, and then one night I was just like, fuck it, I give up. I give up, I'm gonna do it. And I did it. Ooh, like two days later, I'm in an airport and I can't, everything's disgusting. I mean, I can't look at food, I can't, I'm like, I can't even have a drink. I'm about to get on a plane to Boston, I can't have a drink. The people at private suite that take care of me all the time, they're like, dude, what's up? And I was like, I'm on that wine jarro and they're like, I don't like you like this. And then they started violently throwing up for seven to 10 minutes on the phone with me and I called the aunt. She was in a meeting about the thing we got coming up, I'm a, and she was on a phone call and I'm just in the bathroom. (growling) And I mean, it's like, it's really weird. I can't eat, I don't want to eat, I never want to eat. Like food, I have no interest in food. So it's working. So it's working, I'm incredible. And I, but like I panicked, like I benched two 75, three times the other day. So I'm like trying to make sure my strength's up. But I just don't, like, I don't know, I, it, it, it pulls away so much of what I think may have been defining characteristic of me. Yeah, yeah, impulse. Impulse and access. And access, I love, yeah. My love, I love going, getting three meals at a restaurant. I've seen it, it's pretty wild. Yeah, it's insane. So now you just order one meal, like a crazy person. It's bizarre. I just go in and they go, do you want appetizers? And I'm like, no. And they're like, okay. And I'm like, well, can't get you to drink. And I was like, I always try to get a drink. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, so you can't drink. You can't, I can drink, I can drink, but it's not, it's not like it was. Like it's like, tastes the same. I did, I'm almost like, like I tried drinking at an airport the other day. And I was like, uh-uh. Well, how long will you stay on it? Is there like an end goal or something? Like how will you, how will you dictate whether or not until I'm unrelated? So you're going to try to go all the way down to 186 pounds. Hey. People don't recognize me. That's great. Thank you. Thank you. No, I just, I don't know. I guess you're supposed to stay on it. I have been farting so much. We got, we caught one right before we recorded in the mic here. But I've been farting like crazy. And I think it's like, so I've been eating four meals a day. That's the, right? And it's all portioned out, right? So hit these like macros and I'm, I'm eating 200 grams of protein a day, which isn't that crazy, but you still have to like, do you have someone making these meals for you? Yes. Okay. Yeah. I'd like to get to that. Well, that, so it's great and it does feel like a chore. I have to tell you like the, the, I don't know, I just realized that I wouldn't, if I didn't have it like as a plan, I wouldn't be eating this first meal and then I work out and then I have a meal afterwards, then I have another meal and then I have a, I wouldn't eat like, I would eat, I would be eating less food, but probably my macros would be all off. But the farts are like, it's unbelievable. And I have to imagine that they're protein-based farts, right? They're just so long, so powerful. I'm so proud of them, but I just don't know if, if I can sustain this level of farting forever. They're, the real, I mean, you heard that. Yeah. Yeah. It's aggressive. That was really aggressive. That's how they are all day. They sound like fireworks. My jar of farts have a sweet, Jerry tent to them. Really? They're nice. I like them. You do like them. My, my jar of shits are pretty fucking awesome. Are they splattery or like, are they, oh, they come out like crude oil? Really? Like you just, like you were shooting at a deer and you missed it and you hit a spot and it just goes, the shits are pretty nice. Yeah, I got it. I don't know. It's nice to be a person that doesn't, that no one watches, he, it used to just be a spectacle of it. Look, look at this fucking guy. I'm not going to tell this in a special now, but my niece was in the, my niece is four. You watch up in Hawaii. Yeah. She was Uncle Bert. Why are you so fat? And I was like, Jesus. It was just fun to find out your autistic, Lola. How long ago was that? It's just like a month, month, month to go. My voice, like a couple weeks ago to go, where's fat sticks? And I was like, oh, he's, he's in LA and they're like, we haven't seen him in a long time. I go, yeah, no, he's still there. They're like, we want to see fat sticks. I'm like, okay. I'll tell him. Well, I got to see him soon while he's still fat. Yeah. Otherwise, they're going to be like, I don't know this guy. Someone asked me, I had a meeting the other day and this guy goes, hey, can I, can I get fat astronauts? And I was like, what for? He goes, I want to make it with you and Tom. I was like, I think that ship sailed, but he was like, you guys wouldn't do it. And I was like, no. I was like, Tom's 186 pounds and I'm a man, I'm going to have to be just old astronauts. Yeah. It's old astronauts. Yeah. Skinny ass astronauts. Can we pivot it to just geriatric astronauts? By the way, if you want to get fat, you have to come visit and stop, stop, stop. I'm dying to hear about this. fucking pastry shop. Bro, it's unbelievable. I mean, it is because I'm, I have lost a lot of weight, but I am, I, I am and will ever, forever will be fat. My soul is fat. It doesn't matter how much I weigh. I'm always going to be fat. And my, my, always my, my weakest point was always pastries. So it's like, it is like my fat dream coming true. Hold on. I have two questions. Okay. Yeah. Number one. And play the video. What, when did this tuck shirt thing happen? Nice. So I'll tell you when you're shirt in all the time. No, it's, is this day? I went in there. No, no, it's at the two bears five game. Well, in Tampa, you talk. Oh, I got a lot of shit for that too. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I don't, what is this tuck thing in thing? Is this anything? I don't know. I, I mean, I, I just feel like I'm going to start embracing it and doing it more. Now that people are pointing it out, I'm going to do it all the time. It's so off-putting. Is it off-putting? It literally looks like they go, Tom, can you put this shirt on and you go, uh-huh. And they go and tuck it in. Please go. Yes, sir. Well, you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk everything now. I'm going to talk everything. I'm going to do your shirt in in your special. No, but I'm going to ask to do it in post. Yeah. I want it. I want it. So tell me. Okay. Tell me beginning to end up sitting with my dad, my dad, by the way, recently just fell in love with Charo. Okay. My mom and my dad, they're like, have you ever seen Tom stand up? And I went, yeah. And they go, he is fucking hysterical. They go, but he's got this joke where he gives his mom too much adibles. Right. It is the funniest. They're, he's so good at, they go on you and Pete Davidson are my dad's two favorite comics. And my dad's unaware that Pete Davidson doesn't stand up. He just likes his capital one commercials. Felt it. You already know what time it is. It's time to level up and Blue Chiu just dropped something crazy. I'm talking about next level championship belt gold plated energy. Blue Chiu gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable ED brand. This ain't your grandpa's little blue pill. This is the four in one beast that's setting the gold standard for performance. 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He was that peak guy, man. He's likeable. He know his dad died in line 11. Yeah. He dated Kim Kardashian. You know, he has dads all over and he's getting removed. He puts a lot of that. He goes, yeah, I love this guy. I go, do you like his stand-up? He goes, he does stand-up too. I go, yeah. What do you know? Capital one. Capital one. And interviews. And interviews. He goes, he's great on Seth Meyers. Yeah. But he's like, if they're finding it, Pete like straddles. He's a comic, but he's also like a legit celebrity. So he does like celebrity stuff too. Like he's very seamless too. What's that? Yeah, very seamlessly. Yeah. So so my so then my dad says he goes, he goes, buddy, come wake up. He goes, what's up with Tom and fucking pastries? Bro, there's, I just went, I just went and I was there yesterday and it was just like, it's a dream. So what it is, I just literally imagine if you walked into your favorite, I don't know, burger shop somewhere. And then you're like, hey, will you come make them in my neighborhood? And the people say yes. How did it start? How did it start? It started in it started in LA five years ago, six years ago, where they had a pastry like bakery in LA that somebody tipped me off to. They're like, oh, do you like, 'cause I was talking about croissants. They go, oh, best croissant in LA. And I go, where? And they said this place, Cinquatero West. So I went and it legit was like amazing. It was amazing. And then I just formed a friendship with Jamba and Marlowe and they own it and he's the baker and she's his, you know, wife and business partner. And so that's them right there. And then I just kept in touch with them and I always said, I wish you would do this in Austin. And basically long story short, they said, let's do it. And so we're building a restaurant right now, like it's under construction right now, but we have a pop-up shop, which is the one you've been seeing online. And that's at the fairground food hall in downtown Austin, right under the Wells Fargo building. And dude, it's, I mean, it's fresh baked homemade every day, everything. The croissants, the focaccia, everything is, and it's, and like they came up with new things, the lat, when I was there yesterday that was just unbelievable, dude. And people are coming in. And the reason it's going so well is because of the quality of the food. It's super legit. It's the best stuff I've ever had. It's great. Do you know, do you know, uh, I'm not to get meta about this, but do you know the, um, death by comparison? Death by comparison, you mean like as an idea? Like, you know, like people, people beat themselves up by comparing them to other people. Right. The thief of joy, right? comparison is the thief of joy. Yeah. So I'm sitting with my dad on the back every day when he was here at two, we'd have a drink and a cigar. Yeah. And buddy, it was tough to get that fucking drink down because I can't whiskey. Yeah. I mean, it sucks so much to not want to get day drunk or to not, to just be like, oh, so my dad's like obsessed with this chariot bit. Yeah. And between you and Pete Davidson, my dad's, and my dad's like, so it's up with the pastries. I go, you know, Tom's started a pastry shop. I go, Tom's more like a businessman. And then I started beating myself up. I'm like, I don't do shit. Yeah. And, and I was like, God damn it, man. What if, what if I'm just a comic? Like, what if I don't really have great ideas outside of it? And then, and I, I was really kind of beating myself up a little bit. And Tom, I swear to God, it's the reason I wore shoes today because I saw a post that Kevin Hart did that day. And he, He was like, what's up, everybody? I got this tequila, whatever. I got this thing. I got this new joint venture with Capital One or whatever. And he was wearing shoes in the post. And I was like, I don't have to have shoes on. I never thought I'd choose. That's what made you think to wear shoes. Yeah, yeah. Because everyone, all the grownups were shoes. You're just coming to this realization? Yeah, yeah. I'm always barefoot. Yeah, I know. I'm walking barefoot. It's part of who you are. It is. And then I was like, and then, and then the reason I say this, I think people can be guilty of this by comparing themselves to even someone they love or are close with. Yeah. And then feeling shitty about themselves. Can I, can I make a point though about that real quick? Is that you're thinking about investment in one, in one way, but it's broader than that. I'll just say this and then tell me if you don't think of yourself as an investor, real estate. Well, I don't, I don't do any of that. Tom, that's Liam. Yeah, but it's you guys, like you, you own a bunch of real estate, man. That's, that is investing. You know what I mean? The thing that saved me was, I'm not good, I, you're good. You're good at money and you're good at seeing cool shit and liking cool shit and knowing that if I like this cool thing, other people will like it, like the, like the two things that I can't mention are really, I would just be scared to invest in because I don't know anything about it. And this pastry shop, I haven't been able to eat pastries. I mean, that's still can't right now, but I guess I could now. But I haven't been able to eat pastries and forever. I do love croissants, but then I was like, oh, I just do like, I do like the full throttle thing for Daytona and then, and like, and the cruise, like I just, I just try to keep mine close to me. So I felt better about myself, but I was, I wanted to share this because I was like, I was really celebrating you with my dad, but in turn, I started feeling shitty about myself. And I was like, and I go, I bet people do that. And then all it takes is like, I had that night, I was like trying to, I started journaling in the morning and I was journaling trying to write about like, what's good about me? Well, I, I think you have, you're, you're very much an ideas guy, but like, you know, I'm an ideas guy. I'm a, I, you know what? I just like, I had a meeting in the day and they're like, where do you see yourself in five years? I was like, I don't really give a fuck about anything, but just coming up with good ideas. Like that's like, like an idea for a TV show or a movie or a fucking festival or a cruise or things to do on a cruise and like, or, or, or a tour or I, or just comedy. Like I love, I love the fucking, I love, I'll tell you what, man, I said this to my dad. I, your special is going to be so fucking big. Oh boy. They announced when it's coming out yet. Yeah. It's coming out. Christmas Eve on Netflix. It's called teacher. Yeah. Uh, it's, you've been doing this hour for a couple of years. A couple of years. Yeah. It's going to be so fucking big, dude. Well, I mean, I, I hope it's well received. You always do, but you know, I also, I feel like the last long as we've been doing it, you also, I got to this very comfortable kind of zen place of when things come out. You just go like, and you know, it's out of my hands. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, but that's, no, but that's the, the, I'm, I fucked up in my statement. In my journaling. Yeah. I was writing the things that are good about me and I was like, Oh, I, I, okay, why am I comparing myself to Tom and business when that, that's, well, weird thing to compare. It's not my strong suit. And I do not compare me to you and stand up. Like I, I look at this special, I said to my dad, I was like casually in this whole conversation, I was like, Tom's special, this next special teacher is going to be fucking really good. And he goes, really? And I was like, yeah, I was like, he's been doing it for two years. And I saw it two years ago. And it was fucking incredible while two years ago, you're gassing me up today, bro. No, but I was, but it's true. It's going to be so epic. And I, and I, the same is like, you know, I think, but I, it's crazy that you can, I am, I have no, I have no comparison with you and comedy in that. I think it's, it's the thing we do that's the exact same thing. And I don't look at it at all. But then I look at you, like being, like just the idea that like you buy a nice jacket and I go, I don't even know what a nice jacket, where to get one. I know. I know he totally are like a fucking toddler when it comes to like, where do you get something nice? Dude, someone, someone asked me and Leanne, what, what would you say if Bert came home with a new car? Uh-huh. Would you be upset? And Leanne goes, that would never happen. She said it very confidently. And then like, really? And she's like, Bert wouldn't even know how to buy a car. That's so funny. It's so true. I would, I'd have to call Leanne and go, Hey, can we get this car? Can you come down and get it for me? You couldn't call like your business manager. I mean, I guess and then go, can you come down and get it for me? But like, and what's crazy is like I start, I start, I started like beating, it's really started with clothes. So I started beating myself. I remember this when you're like, where do adults buy clothes? I was like, what? You're like, I don't know where to get, I'm dressed in like a fucking middle schooler. But I think that's, but isn't that like, you don't feel bad about it. It's who you are. You're, you're our flip flops or barefoot and like t-shirt shorts or flannel open. Like, that's who you are. It feels so weird to be wearing shoes right now. Like, it's like inside a house. I mean, I know. And it's like, what, like, like, the first thing I know you are, like, I was like, that sweater looks really soft. I don't own a sweater, Tom. Do you want me to get you on? I let's wait until this majority of kicks in. I don't think you're out of size. Yeah. I put on a suit the other day for a photo shoot. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, oh, this is crazy. Like, this, wearing a suit. It's so weird to wear a suit and have shoes on and be tall and like, and a pair of like Chelsea boots. Yeah. Yeah. It's so busy. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The holidays are here, which means it's time to give the gift of smoothness, whether you're shopping for your partner, your brother, or yourself. We don't judge. Manscapes Performance Package 5.0 Ultra is the ultimate upgrade from trimming to freshening up. This is your all-in-one grooming kit that keeps you clean, confident, and ready for any festive occasion. Get over to Manscape.com and join over 13 million men who worldwide trust Manscape. Use the code Bairz for 15% off your entire order. I've been using Manscape for years and I could not be happier with all their products. 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See, Emma, I gotta hang on. I gotta tell you about it. Yeah. I fucking. I was so surprised. I was like, wait, you're in. I didn't know that you were that into that. Oh. Well, yeah. I mean, I had three of the musicians that were performing that night. I had them on my podcast. Oh, wow. Yeah. So it's funny. I have to say this. And I got so much unwarranted credit because for, for, for, for, for, from recinate record execs. You know, record execs is, there's one thing I know about you is that you love unwarranted credit. Keep going. But yeah. You would have gotten a real kick out of that. Oh, I'm sure. So we go to the CMAs. They asked me if I would present Stephen Wilson Jr. I'm friends with Stephen Wilson Jr. and I had him on the podcast and I had him very early before he had really broken, I guess, is what now, here's a deal. I found him somewhere. So I'm not the one that saw him on a street corner performing on the internet. So he had clearly been doing stuff. Yeah, but you love that. You love when you found somebody on, on the internet early. I do. I did, uh, I had. seen a band called the Red Clay Strays on the internet and randomly one time we were at Xanies and I saw them standing in the back and I knew there was a guitar and I made this fucking heart felt like if you've ever been in love or if you want to be in love if you've had your heart broken or if you're with the chick the greatest song that's ever been played is played by that band right there and if they'll come up on stage and play it and the Red Clay Strays came up on stage and said she comes from silver spoons and sang that on stage and it was fucking incredible and then I became friends with them had them on the podcast. Now these are just two examples. I've had Ernest on the podcast, I've had Hardy on the podcast, I've had some really, I've had Marcus King on the podcast, I've had some really crazy, I've had some really crazy people on the podcast to play music and in the green room, it was like, yo, you're the guy that breaks these artists. You have these. So happy. Tom, I was like, yeah, I just have good taste. And they were like, they were like, it was, it was really hysterical and Leanne's like, hold on. Red Clay Strays had been on like Fio's podcast, like six months before yours. I was like, I know, shut up, Lee, I shut the fuck up. She's like, hold on, Stephen Wilson Jr., didn't you see him on a podcast out of Atlanta and I was like, then shut the fuck up. And so, but it was, it was the backstage, Tom was fucking insane. At the CMAs, it was every music star you could ever imagine. And this is the wild part. You do the red carpet for the CMAs and damn it. We do the, you do the, that's such a weird ring. Jesus. It's old people ring. Yeah. Why do you have that? It's, you do that. Yours is the best ring. That's the, it's raining men. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so we're at the red carpet. Now the red carpet is for an event like this. There is no hierarchy. It's when you get there is when you stand in line. Yeah. And it can be up to about 30 to 45 minutes and you are standing with celebrities are all setting with their publicists waiting in line. It's, that's how it is. That's not, no hierarchy. Now granted, if fucking Vince Guild comes through is going to lifetime achievement award. They walk him through first, but everyone else, even Shabuzy is all, they're all sitting there. Leanne, Leanne and I are put the front were with Chris O'Donnell and he's in front of us. And Leanne sees the right place trace and she goes, what are them boys doing all the way back there? I go, Leanne. Let it go. She goes, well, hold on. Hold on. I'm going to go get them. They shouldn't be waiting in the back. And it's, it's, don't, she just goes back, gets the right clasped rays and all their wives. She knows them all and brings them all the way up to the front and goes, guess what was that? Else is back there. Grab Steven Wilson Jr. brings him up front and causes the biggest bottleneck you've ever seen in your fucking life. I just wanted to all because she goes, well, I don't, if we're going to wait, I want to hang out with my friends. I want to talk to them. And Leanne's really close with Steven Wilson Jr's wife, whose name happens to be Leanne as well. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. And so, but then I ran into Steve Martin. How was that? Not great. Really? Did you corner him? Did you do like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm the biggest fan ever. But god, I love all your stuff. I said, we had to read prompter back to back, he was up before me. So he read prompter and then I read prompter and we were just, he was in a room and I'm waiting behind him and it's a little booth and then he turns around and walk out. And I said to the person like outside, she goes, it's Steve Martin and I went holy shit, he's first of all as big as fucking. He's a big guy. I thought he was six, too, but he just said he's six, but he's big. And he goes, he's like, I go, that's Steve Martin and she goes, have you met him? And I went, no, I've never met Steve Martin. She goes, you should meet him. And I said, can you introduce me to him? She goes, I don't fucking know him. And I go, I know, but can you just say, Steve, this is Burke, right? And she goes, no. You introduce me. And I go, no, I want to meet him and we're saying this like five feet from him. Yeah. And then he just turns around and he kind of walks, like try to get past me and I block him and I go, hi, and he was like, hello, and I said, my name is Burke Chrysler. I'm a stand-up comedian and I shook his hand and he goes, okay, and then I still am blocking him and he goes, I'm sure you're wildly famous and I'm just an idiot. And I went, no, and he went, good to meet you and he just walked out and went, motherfucker, that didn't go well. Ah, I mean, that's not that bad actually. That's not that bad Billy Bob Thornton, Billy Bob Thornton went glowingly. Really? Uh, yeah, Billy Bob Thornton came up, was on the red, he was in the red carpet and he came up and he was like, I was like, he's dressed like, he's dressed like, like, like a fucking steam punk hippie. Yeah, he looks like Zorro. His dude, his earring went through his headband, his headband had a hole in it for his earring. That guy is fan fucking tastic to watch. I love watching Billy Bob Thornton anything. Well, I will tell you this Tom, you would love to meet him. Really? He's walking by. I said, Billy Bob, huge fan and he walks up to me. He's walking by with publicists and he stops, comes up and he goes, how are you doing? I said, good. He said, what's your name? I'm a Bert Kries from a stand up comedian and he goes, oh, nice to meet you. You having fun here? And I was like, yeah, I'm having a great time. And he said, I'm excited to see the red clay strays. And I said, yeah. And I knew some like inside scoop. Yeah. And so I was like, I was like, yo, they're, the thing they did for land, my man or whatever is TV show. I was really fucking incredible. And he goes, you heard it. And I said, yeah. And then I'm like, oh shit, am I in trouble because they played it for me. Like, when we did a podcast and they played it for me, I was like, yeah. And I go, but your version, the thing and he was like, hold on. You heard that? And I went, I got it. And we were in like a five minute conversation. That's great. And I was like, I was like, holy shit, Billy Bob thought he was a fucking blast. He's the man. Yeah. But we sat, we sat behind Lil Wayne and X the plug in big X the plug, big X the plug. They were at the CMAs. Lil Wayne bought four tickets. What? Big X the plug is fucking awesome. He's great. He's awesome. Everyone stopped by to say hi to him and Lil Wayne and Leanne and I did not speak for two hours. We sat in our seats behind them and just did this. Yeah. It was everyone. It was. It was a who's who of country music and we had a fucking blast. That's awesome, man. I'm glad you had a good time. And that wait, so this all started because you wore a suit. So did you not like wearing it or did it fit well? Did you feel good in it? I felt good in that suit. Usually I couldn't button it. So I want to button it. I want to get to buttoning it. Yes. Yeah. But you're probably there now. No, not yet. I still can. Oh Jesus Christ, Tom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's one. It's almost the far right picture, it looks like I have abs, far right. Oh, wow. That's great CGI. That was, that was, it's my co-to move. It's nice to have a move. You have to move. Yeah. I get very uncomfortable on the red carpet. Yeah. I just do that. I just go like, and then they're like over here and I'm like, and I'm like, and I make like four faces. I'm like, huh. And they're like, can you take your glasses off? And I'm like, okay, okay. Yeah, they get real aggressive. Wait, do you bring, do you bring Christina with you when you do the right carpet? Well, I've only done it a few times. So she was with me, she's been with me like once or twice, but other times I've been alone. Yeah. I feel so weird. I feel so weird. Oh, they always, and this is like so crazy. But I was like, all right, let's, real quick, we'll get one with the, the Burton Leann. And now can we get rid of the wife? All right. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then it's just me. And then Leann's like, waiting for me. Yeah. I feel so weird. I'm like, pull my wife in the pincher. No, no, no. We don't want that. Get out of here. Yeah. Move her. Can you get his mom out of here? Scooter over to the side. It is mom. Jesus. Yeah. What was that picture? That was. That was bad thoughts. Yeah. That was the premiere. Wait. Am I in? I didn't know you had a red carpet. I mean, I was there. Oh, this must be Austin. No. That was L.A. You were there. Real? Yeah. You probably have shots in that, too. Oh, it's not full of that fucking picture. Why? Oh, that's like, that's me at my worst. Is it really? That's, yeah. That's last May. Red, red face, fucking pimples all over my cheeks. No makeup is before. I mean, my skin, look, my skin looks better on Manjaro. Your skin does look good for whatever reason. It just started. That helps you clear up some. It cleared up my skin entirely or whatever my diet was doing to my skin. And what was the acne from? Was that from eating, too? No, it's, they said it was rosacea. Okay. What's that? It was rosacea. That's from drinking, right? It's from alcohol, heat, a lack of sleep. It's like everything I do. It's my, yeah, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's part of your, it's part of your fucking identity. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like no shoes, no shoes, rosacea, shirts off. You get it. It's a fucking, it used to be the time. I did a podcast. Sebastian and I did the two bears, and he goes, and he had makeup on. Your skin looks amazing and he goes, "I'm wearing makeup." I saw that and he said, "You're wearing makeup?" He goes, "Yeah, there's cameras." "There's fucking cameras." "You didn't think about wearing makeup." Can I tell you, I think I've aged out of podcasting. I think I'm wondering. The podcasting I loved was the broken podcasting. I enjoy Pete and Sebastian's podcast. It's one of my favorite podcasts. I only watch the clips really. I enjoy clips. Pete and Sebastian's clips are the best fucking clips. The best fucking clips. He asked Sebastian the other day if he makes out with his wife. No, I don't make out with my wife. I can give her like a kiss on the forehead. The Sebastian makes me laugh so hard. Do you know he got me into robes? We did a thing. I saw a clip. He has multiple robes, right? Yes, seasonal robes. Seasonal robes, yeah. And I started wearing robes. How do you like it? I like the best robe, I think. Winter robe. Winter robe. So I'm in Ohio at the Shotinstein Center, right? University of Ohio. And it's cold. Ohio State. Ohio State. And I got this robe from Naples where I spent my birthday. It's a really nice robe. And it's a winter robe. When I get off the tour bus and I go into the venue, I am always, always shirtless in basketball shorts, barefoot. That's it. That's what I, everywhere I go. No matter what the temperature is. If it's really cold, maybe I'll put on a sweatshirt. But I'm always barefoot. And I'm always in basketball shorts. But then I put on this robe. And I go, you know what? I'm going to wear the robe in there. Tom. Four people took pictures of me like that work there. They're like, oh, look a big time. And just sort of take a picture. I look like the most arrogant walking around in a robe. Yeah, but they're comfortable. Hot sellers, yeah. Do you have a rope? I do have, I've been given a few robes. I think what ends up happening is you just go like, oh yeah, I guess. I like the idea of being a robe guy. Like I like the fantasy of it. But whenever I get them, I never use them. So it's a bad gift for me because I just, I just never wear them. I've worn, you know, like the day I got one, like as a gift, and I feel like in 20 years of hotels, once or twice, like, you know, what they have like the road. But it's not my go-to. I just, I don't know. I just never find myself putting it on. I just don't know. Oh, that's Leanne's, Leanne always gets the robe in a hotel. Really? And then if she likes it, she buys it. Yeah. Leanne's a massive robe person. Oh, she does them at home? Yeah, I was, I was, I was, I was steals my robe. So she has an FSU robe that I had. Yeah. And then this weird, this weird, like, like kind of like a hippie pattern robe. But I was always in a robe. Dude, my seven year old is gotten into suits. It's so insane. I wore, I wore suit like a couple weeks ago. And he goes, he goes, hey, you're wearing a suit. I look like an asshole. And I go, what? And he goes, I look like an asshole right now. I go, you don't look like an asshole. He goes, yes, I do. You have a nice suit on looking me with a stupid shit that I'm wearing. And I go, you look totally normal and fine. Like, he had a nice shirt on. And he goes, no, I look like an asshole. And you look good in a suit. I want a fucking suit. And I'm like, all right, dude. I go, yeah, we can, we can get you a suit. And he goes, look at my, and then he had, he, he discovered hair product. He goes, where's the stuff from my hair? I look so fucking stupid without that shit in my hair. I was like, he's really getting into like his appearance. And we walk out of the house and he's like, how do I look? I'm like, are you look great? He goes, does my hair look stupid? And I go, no, he goes, all right. And then I, if you go to touch it, he's like, don't, you're going to fuck everything up. And I'm like, dude, you know, we call him Joe Pesci, right? Because he's just like that 24/7. Are you serious? I swear to God. And then yeah, any time he's not-- This is your youngest? Yeah, my youngest is so crazy about that. I'd pray he was the fucking DASIL one. Hell no. Hell no. He's, he's spicy, dude. All times. Yes, super spicy. Yeah. It never ends. Fucking hell. Yeah, that's him, dude. That's him right there. That's my seven year old son. So, wait, did you get him a suit? Yeah. Yeah, I got him a suit. Wait, what does he look like in a suit? I mean, it's, it's kind of adorable. But if you say that, he gets mad. So, yeah, you gotta be like, you look great. Cool. And you can't show, like, if I go buddy, he's like. Fucking say that shit in front of people. So does he look at himself in mirrors and stuff? Yeah, like especially, yeah. If we're walking, he's like, I look alright. Like, he's really concerned about it. It's kind of adorable. He's like, everything alright. I go, yeah, you look great, man. He's like, I didn't discover mirrors until I was in eighth grade. You? Yeah. And never. I never, I was shy. I remember the day I realized I got to put myself together a little bit. Yeah. I had not washed my hair in like a week. And it was like greasy. And I went into the bathroom at school. I was in eighth grade. And I, and I think that's when I also started liking girls a lot. Yeah. And like usually, yeah. And I was, got one of the bathrooms. I was like, God damn it. I looked like a piece of shit. Yeah. And I was, and I looked in a folder at ninth mirror. And I was like, is this what I fucking dress like? I was like, Jesus Christ. You really, you know, you realize you're still having those thoughts today. Today, look at these are like nice jeans. Do you look nice, man? We talking about it. I look like a fucking, I look, when I start, I look completely normal, dude. You're wearing jeans in a t-shirt and sneakers. Fuck him. Yeah, you look totally normal. What do you, I mean, I've been dealing with this. I've been dealing with this one crisis for a long time. Which crisis is that? About my, my appearance. My dress. But, okay. If, if dress is that important, why don't you just like have a, you know, you live in LA. You can just call a stylist and be like, I want some options. And then they'll just give you a bunch of options. Okay. We do that. We do that. And we do it for photoshoots. And then I get all the stuff. And then it sits in a different closet. Well, just don't do that. Make it, make it, give it like, like, like priority placement in your closet where you get dressed. I feel like, I feel like when I put on those clothes, I'm putting on a costume. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I think you should be comfortable. You should wear whatever the fuck you want to wear. When you, when did you switch your clothing? Like, was it when you started losing weight? You didn't, you didn't have a suit when you were like, the king's a comedy size. I've always had a suit, but I haven't had multiple. Yeah. I probably got more of those. But I always like nice clothes. Always. Really? Always. When you were fat, you, okay. You're the one that introduced me to Air Force once. Did I? Yeah. I was in a car with you and I said, why are you wearing those shoes? And you said, you have your number one Air Force once? And I said, no. I've never seen, I don't even know what an Air Force one is. And you said, they're really comfortable. And I went, oh, okay. Yeah. I bought a pair of Air Force ones and I began wearing Air Force ones. Well, I mean, I always, I always liked nice clothes and like different clothes, sneakers, shoes. Did you dress sharp when you were in high school? I think I always had like pretty well and not where you'd be like, oh my God. But like, yeah, people, you go like, oh, you care about what you wear. Yeah. I think to a degree. And then I probably the worst clothes that I ever wore was probably in the couple of years after I got to L.A. Because I was just like the poorest and like, I kind of embraced being like a sloppy comic for a couple of years. Okay. That's when I met you. Yeah. So that's when I was probably like the least. And I also thought that like, oh, like I remember one time I went to do a spot and I had a t-shirt on with a hole and like a notable hole in it and like a stain. And one of my friends is like, are you going to wear that on stage and I go, yeah. And he was like, why? I was like, well, you know, like this is like I'm like two years in the standup. And I'm like, well, you know, like I'm it's like it's almost like fits what I like how what I'm talking about. And he's like, I think that's a little not like that's a little much like you, yeah. And he's like, you're forgetting that like an audience is like looking at you. Like you have like holes in your shirt. And I was like, oh. And I was like, all right. And so I probably just like cleaned it up a little bit. And but I was also just I also feel like what you're wearing right now is like that's the unofficial standup uniform. Like t-shirt jeans and sneakers, right? And so even to this day, like I did shows last weekend. I mean, I was just in a t-shirt and jeans and sometimes a jacket. Like that's still like how I like to perform. But I feel like in life, it's more fun to just wear whatever the fuck you want to wear. And I mean, I just I just do like nice clothes. I don't think it's that crazy. I went to a meeting. I went to a meeting and I put on an outfit because it was like a big meeting. Yeah. There's a bunch of a bunch of Hollywood people. Yeah. And I was like, I'm going to put on an outfit. And then I kept putting them on. And I kept trying on different outfits. Yeah. I say, I was like, the thing you gotta, like, 'cause I'm struggling with it, I go, I'm just gonna be myself. That's why we're flip-flops, James, and a T-shirt. I think that's the key to it is to be yourself. But also the thing I think I'm struggling with is like, okay, let's use Big J as an example, okay? Okay. Guys got a definitive look, all right? Totally. Yeah. And he's had that look for, like, yeah, it's who he is. So then I think my question is, will Big J dress like that at 75? Like, he's got a cool look. Yeah. That's a good question. We really don't know. We don't know. So, do you know the comics that, like, they're like, they try to, like, live young, they want to be young, and then they don't, they don't age, but they're close. Like, one of the things I saw that podcast you did with Louie, and you looked great in that podcast. That jacket looked awesome. Thanks, man. And Louie looked good, and I was like, I was like, okay, so when you get older as a comic, are you supposed to start dressing a little, maybe a little more adult? Well, I think it's a total fucking choice. I mean, like, I think the reason that Big J, like, why this works for him is because it's completely authentic. It is. It's authentic too, yeah. It's who he is. Um, Louie, you know, yeah, he's 58 years old, and he's wearing, yeah, he's wearing like jeans in a flannel and like, it's, it's, I feel like every time I've seen Louie over the last decade, he pretty much is like, like you're saying, like he's like T-shirt, jeans, boots, you know? Okay, there's a picture of him making out with his new girlfriend on the streets of New York. Not really. I mean, those gossip bags, but I do sometimes. Yeah. And he has really cool boots on. Yeah. He had cool boots. He always has cool boots. Yeah, cool boots. I have to tell, I can't not tell you, but you have to ask me off Mike to tell you about the jacket that I had on because I just, I'll just tell you, I'll just tell you later, okay? He's always had cool boots. Did you hear what, uh, what Vincent, no, did you hear what Quentin Tarantino said about Paul Dono? Yeah. What the fuck? What is that? What the fuck? What is that? What the fuck? That was so wild. It was. It felt like it was not, it was not, it was not measured at all. It was so fucking, I can't tell you though, I disagree with him, but I loved that he said it. Yeah, kind of great on both parts. What's one of the things that's crazy is like that movie is at least as far as I knew as good friend or maybe formerly good friend's movie. It's like, it's like talking about a close friend's movie, right? Yeah. He and P.T. Anderson, I don't know, unless they had some falling out. But also, it is usually, if you're in the business, like the harsh criticism of a performance by somebody who's also in your business, it's kind of wild. It feels like there's something personal here, you know? Yeah. He's weak sauce. Man. He's a sister. She ruined the movie, he said. Is that what he said? Can we get the clip? Yeah, let's see the clip. I, here's the thing that I, I, I, who is Millie Bobby Brown? I've heard her name so much and she's not related to, to Bobby Brown or, or Miley Cyrus. Yeah. Here we go. That's the thing. If I had a, of a criticism about the film, it would, it would fall to Paul Dano's performance. Not that, not that performance is bad. There's nothing bad about it. It's just, it doesn't seem to compromise. It's just, it's, he's just not in the level and the caliber of Daniel Day Lewis. And if the two characters are meant to be combats throughout the film, then, then Daniel Day Lewis is, is, is, is Muhammad Ali and Paul Dano is, Jerry Quart. Okay. Okay. Here's what's crazy, but is, is there more, like, because the other stuff is like, he just says it's not a bad performance and then all of a sudden, in the text, it says, he's a rich sauce. Yeah, weak sauce and like, the worst actor in SAG, like, that's really fucking harsh, man. He really says that. Oh, man, this would bum me out if this is the case of the internet being the internet. Oh, like, it's not entirely true. It's like, you, the internet, I think the internet's at its worst right now with yellow journalism. Because like, this is saying, the most interesting, uninteresting guy ever, weak sauce, the weakest actor in SAG, like, that is so inflammatory to say, like, you, you'd have to feel like it's personal at that point, you know? Yeah. But when you hear it like that, you're just saying, like, well, he's a director and he's assessing his friend's movie and he's saying, that's pretty measured. He's just saying that like, Daniel Day Lewis is like, other level is essentially how that comes across, you know, um, yeah, I'm wondering if like, I don't know, if you guys can find it anymore. Let us know. Um, yeah, I think the rest of it's behind a paywall, but let me keep looking. All right. Um, that's also it's, go ahead. No, that bothers me because they're, when you take it out of context like that and you read it, you're like, what the fuck? By the way, it is worth pointing out since we're obviously done podcasting for at least a few years, um, that, uh, um, we'll have, uh, everyone's favorites coming back. Chris and Stavvy are going to come in and do some episodes and you guys will enjoy to show again. Yeah. For, for about a month, um, and also I just want to say that like, this is, we're getting towards the end of the year. This year was pretty, pretty rad, um, for, for like the poor, sorry, for the two bears, or osos world, um, you know, this year alone, uh, we had another, we had an incredible second time doing the two bears 5k and, uh, as promised, we'll definitely keep that going. So we'll have like announcements about that soon. I think it's like the most positive thing that's ever come from our entertainment careers is like the, that whole movement feels really special. And so if fans really love the only fans idea, I think, right? That too. Uh, aside from that, I think the 5k has been a fucking incredible thing. Um, looking back, we take some swings, we take some swings and some misses. Yeah. You know, look at you. You got a two bear sports management, two bears racing, both failures, bill failures, but two bears 5k, poor osos, been great, um, two dingers. I will say this, uh, we have the, every time we do these events, they're always genuinely super fun for us, whether we do like bottles. My favorite thing are the bar takeovers. Those are actually very, very fun. And we did, you know, we did events in, in Dallas. We did in Austin. We did FSU. We did Tampa, Chicago, um, uh, Phoenix Indianapolis. They're always so fun. We're going to keep doing those. They're more fun together. I will say that. That's a really fun. I understand. It's tough for us both to get together in the same city, but when we are together, like, if you had, my highlight of the year with out of doubt was, uh, Florida State, Alabama game. Oh my god. It was a highlight of the year. It was my highlight of my year. We still had the, it was fun, um, and to, to another level of like being there, I had never also seen you in Tallahassee, which is just fucking wild to experience the unofficial mayor of Tallahassee. And then, um, going to the game, you know, I'm a, I'm a lifelong fan. And so like, I've gone to a game there before, but like when it was season opener and the tension of like, Hey, Bama's in town, which I think every week, whenever they go anywhere, that's what those people feel. You're like, Oh, shit. Bama's here. And, you know, the new state, like the upgrades to the stadium, all had like this electric feel. And then we got to see just, you know, a great game and CFSU play dominantly. And then disappoint us as the season went on, which is always fun as a fan, but it was such an exciting day, uh, to be there. And then we, you know, we did, we did events. We were, we were with people like for 24 hours straight. We were just like, it was crazy. It was crazy. You know, you, I gotta, I gotta give you credits. We, you know, we're doing, have you heard about the full throttle thing we're doing? Uh, no. But rather, I'm doing so when we went to Daytona 500, uh, two years ago, you were like, you could be the mayor of the Daytona 500. I was fucking great. I was never seen anything like it. I still talk about it. So I reached out to NASCAR and I was like, yo, can we throw a party? Me and medium rare. Same people to do guys, parties, shacks, parties, grouch, beach party. And that's happening. February 14th in Daytona, I'm throwing a party the night before the Daytona 500. I got Leonard Skinnered headlining. That felt so good. I got Diplo. I got Ernest and I love the parts of the middle of that. Yeah. You have to fucking perfect. That's a great Daytona ad. We got beer barbecue. Yeah. Daytona people love for it's, um, but that was pointed that out to me and I gotta give you credit. credit that my favorite moment of this year without a doubt it may go down as my favorite moment of my life was the pump-up speech before the game and you were the reason it went well. That was fucking awesome. That was great. We got drunk that morning. Yep. And all I get sent, all I get sent is me taking my shirt off and whipping around my head and all these kids and colleges taking their shirts off and whipping around their head. Yeah. I don't own taking your shirt off, but it does fire me up when I see it. Of course. When I see those, all the boys, their shirts off, they have me doing it in Ohio State. Went to an Ohio State game and the fucking deathlight of tractor or whatever comes up and he's like, hey, could first, first defensive possession, could you go over to the corner and take your shirt off in front of the kids? I was like, buddy, that's my thing. Yeah. And dude, it was like, I love it. Of course. Now, it's a moment. It's a real pop. It's a real moment. We've had a crazy year. It was a crazy year. You know, bad thoughts came out, which was really exciting. I mean, I'm in huge success picked up for season two. We're about to shoot that. Yeah. We're both doing Christmas day. We're going to both be at the Netflix NFL broadcast. My special comes out Christmas Eve and so Christmas day, I'll be at that game. You're going to be at the game. You have something coming out. Have you announced that yet? Is that announced? Oh, okay. I'll announce it. I'll announce the Christmas day. Okay. Sure. We've been on a special, I'm about to wrap up a tour. I'm so thankful for the tour, by the way, for everybody who listens or watches that came out to see me on tour. It was the most fun and like fulfilling tour that I've ever done and it's about to come to an end. So I'm super thankful for that. You want to say we had like amazing, amazing guests that came in for the year. Like, you know, we had McConaughey here, James salad, tuna salad, tuna salad, the undertaker came in. You just had, you just said one with Mel. That was great. Mel Robbins, the right one. Yes. And then Sebastian, we've done, and listen, I just want to say this, we're doing, obviously, you're seeing that we're doing less together. We're doing more guest bears and we're getting like having Stavie and Chris do them. Our schedules are swamped. We're not doing it because we're going to neglect the podcast. That's right. Yeah. I mean, the reason that this happens is like, I have such immense responsibilities on my season two show. And then I'm going to be shooting it for a while and then I'm also in post and I'm part of the prep. It's just super demanding and you just have to like try to figure things out when you can and you have a show and you're on tour. Like, it's just the reality of our lives, man. And this year is going to be kind of chaos. It will be and I know that because looking at my schedule, it's going to be, it's going to be rough. And we're not, we're not trying to neglect the podcast. I wish we could do, I wish we could bang out one day on the road where we go in, we do a live podcast at a bar takeover. And I wish we could, I wish we could streamline, God, I'm going to be honest with you. I wish I could be in Austin more often because I really enjoyed being in Austin because I tapped the fuck out and it's not like, you know, we go to do some live events. That would be really fun. Like we'll do some, some live ones during the year if we could figure out, we can figure out like a day here and a day there doing live ones could be really fun. Those are always a good time, man. I really like doing those two. And so, so I just want to say to the fans that love the podcast and their bum that maybe we're not as together as often or the fans that are excited that we're not, whatever. I love this podcast and I'm I'm changing broadcast in 2026 to less because I just don't have time for it. Yeah. And I'm changing something's burning to less. So I don't have time for it. And I and I hope people still tune in when I do post them, but I can't do what I've been doing. I put out 156 episodes a year. It's a lot. All I thought to myself, Tom, is I really love signfold. But if I saw 150, 166 episodes of signfold a year, I get pretty tired of them. Yeah. So I was like, I just, I think it's good for the world to get less burnt. Cool. Yeah. I mean, everybody just needs to like, you know, you have to like figure out something that works for everybody does, right? Yeah. And yeah, I feel like my bandwidth, I can't handle the amount of stuff I'm doing either. It's just too much. And it's, and I have a feeling that it's going to get 2026 going to be pretty, a pretty intense year. And I think I, but, but I'll tell you what, it starts off with your special Christmas day. That's going to be fucking big. I'm super stoked. I really hope you guys will check it out. You can probably mark it now in your, in your queue. You can be reminded of it. But yeah, can you put it, can you put it in as a reminder already? I think you can. I think you can. Yeah. Today, it's within days you can definitely put it in. Yeah. And I think what would be great is a video of you sitting with your family Christmas morning by the tree, watching Tom special with the whole family, you know, parents, grandparents, grandparents, kids, that niece that just got out of rehab and the amp, who's believes that the shakers maybe had a few good ideas, but I'll tell you right now, the rehab niece will love it. Of that. That's good to love it. She'll like it a lot. Yeah. And Milwaukee. I shot Milwaukee at the Riverside, beautiful theater, beautiful theater. It's a great theater. And by the way, permission to party, I'm still touring for 2026, I just announced a bunch of days. I'm in Tampa. I'm doing a bunch of, and then I'm, yeah, and so yeah, should be good. Awesome. Yeah, great. But yeah, 2026 is going to be a wild year and I, I just want to say to the fans that we are, we are cognizant to make sure that this is a priority for us and that we don't lose you guys. Put out good episodes that you enjoy with guest bears and with guest hosts and with each other. Um, and we hope you guys are just right with us. Couldn't say it better. Um, yeah. Going back to Old Bert. Do it, man. Yeah. There you go. Fuck. Fuck my inner dialogue. Yeah. Fuck conformity. This is who the fuck I am. That's when, that's when you feel like yourself. Is my leg purple? All right. I gotta go shoot up, Mijaro. Okay, call your cardio just a time your leg turn purple and see what he says. I love you Tom. I love you too. I'll see you guys next week. Bye. [Music]