My Property Isn't Normal | CreepCast

welcome back to creepcast today we're going to be reading a story called my property isn't normal all right this has been a heavily requested story for a bit setting up a few bear traps i you know i've heard a couple different things about the story so far um and i can't tell if is this going to be is this like an intentionally funny thing is this like a tales from the gas station kind of meme or is this supposed to be like a lone uh like a broadcast tower kind of thing where it's like look isn't spooky the things that are going on around me or what what do you think um i think that the considering the way harry propped this story up for us and the fact that i go to the reddit account this is the only story they've posted and their profile picture is a rubber duck um i don't know i don't know so they're either a lot of things so they're either quirky or they're a jeep owner not really sure which one it could be uh one is far worse than the other the i i don't it's not that i have a fatigue for it but you know you know what kind of story style i'm kind of like i'm i'm usually glad that we don't read is the ones where it's like and one time there was this thing that was really creepy that happened and then this other time this other thing that was creepy happened okay that's all i really have to tell you today until next time we'll see you and then the next post is i would get a lot of comments talking about asking about more stuff so i figured i'd tell you about what happened last week so i'm not i'm not a bet man or anything but if i were i i would bet that is exactly the kind of story we're going to get today i i got some context clues i'm getting i got everything i gotta tell you i uh i am i'm fatigued by that by that version well it's it's not even that format of story that bothers me it's more so the like welp that just happened attitude yeah them a lot of the time the quirky chungus thing where it's supposed to be like it's supposed to be kind of like cute or something you know because i agree i guess that's true because there's stories that do it effectively where you're like oh that's kind of fun but it was also i mean this is it looks like here it looks like the my property isn't normal story was written eight years ago which seems like the prime time of when a lot of those other stories were kind of coming out i'll say this i'll say this is there any time you can think of where quirky horror worked well hmm maybe not quirky i think there's been there's been times where the it might have been kind of like the the story where it was uh like wasn't it a guy's house was haunted or something and he was like trying to like party with the demon or something in his what was that story we read it's part of a grab bag i think but i can't remember what it was house was haunted and he was partying with the demon it was something weird like that where it's like yeah he's talking about some kind of monster in his house but he's like yeah he's pretty chill it's like it like even the title shows how uh like it's kind of a comedy one and we were like oh yeah this is we thought it was pretty funny i can't remember what the story was though so goes to show you how uh i put it up because when we hear we're gonna say oh it's like i have absolutely no idea what he's referring to there was the girl with the the guy and that faced away from her no no no this is it's literally like it's a it's a title that is uh oh my god i mean it's i i'm not gonna be able to collect my thoughts right now i just fucking woke up like an hour ago my my brain is still starting it's like literally like my apartment like is i don't know fucking stupid i don't know and i want to party with a ghost or some shit i can't remember what the fucking title it has no stupid and i want to party it doesn't that's not the title i'm just saying that that's it's something fucking stupid like that it doesn't matter it doesn't fucking matter i know what the truth is i know my own truth all right the one time you can't remember a goddamn story is what i gotta say you know what whatever it doesn't matter for you it's the one time the one time every other time you you like to sit up on your high horse and say oh hunter look how silly you are and the one time i'm like oh remember this story i don't know what the fuck you're talking about gaslighting me like i'm like i'm a heathen so you know i'm going back through name two of the stories that we read during the basement video a few weeks ago i legitimately i die i can't i can't remember i have no idea legitimately also i'm telling you that that's that's i'm i'm telling you i have a bad memory that's what i'm saying so the one time i do remember and that's also why no wonder i can't remember the fucking title what you came up with was my apartment is weird or scary or whatever and i want to party with this ghost i like you're acting like this is uh like this is an absurd thing to say when we have like all the other creepypasta names that we my apartment is stupid and there's a like a ghost is weird whatever that sounds like a legitimate creepypasta it's devolving every time you say it my apartment is stupid and a ghost is weird now i don't even know if the apartment of the ghost are real or not i don't even know if the apartment of the ghost are real or not related it could be two separate events that's what makes it so fascinating though i'm trying to i don't know i mean yeah i like to the those guys said that i work at a half-price voodoo shop that reminds me of uh the story today that was okay we should actually consolidate this and quirky and was like fun i think no but it wasn't that one i think it was a part of a grab bag i'm pretty sure no i'm just saying that the half-price voodoo shop is a quirky whore that i think i thought that one worked well yeah yeah it was very goosebumps feeling yeah i think that it worked it worked well too because it like it built itself up to a fun ending i if i remember right like the owner always being weird you kind of knew that it was coming to that ending but yeah yeah i don't know uh okay well do you want to uh you want to jump into it or by the way thank you to our audio listeners on spotify and apple podcast we appreciate you and also thank you to our beautiful patrons who get extra bonus episodes on the spotify and apple podcast we appreciate you and also thank you to our so if you're interested on that then consider going to our patreon listening to more stuff be sure to this is the only story that murder bird 17 has posted to reddit uh but we'll have it all linked in the description be sure to support the original artist if you are interested uh i don't see any off-site links for anything uh check out this amazing oh someone did a comic based on their series it's not them directly but and there's some fan art and stuff like that but anyway if you want to support the artist or the original writer and follow them and stuff we'll have them linked in the description be sure to show some love uh so with all that out of the way hunter you ready to read my property is it normal yeah i couldn't hear if you said yes or not i said i said i said yes yes i'm gonna assume you said yes i'm gonna assume you said yes it's almost like i can hear his ghost speaking to me now oh my god my property isn't normal you could say i live in the middle of nowhere i prefer to call it the middle of the wilderness though and after living alone out here long enough i thought i would become familiar with the land out here and even get comfortable but i never have gotten comfortable maybe used to this place but never comfortable pretty sure i can hold my own out here for the time being but even so lots of weird shit happens out here glad to finally have a way to tell strangers who probably don't know me don't judge or call me crazy though i can already tell you isaiah that i'm not going to like this story immediately yeah off the bat i can already tell you i can already tell you with that exclamation point at the end of though i can already tell you this is it this might be the one that pushes me over the edge well we're you know we're here at the front of um the gates to perdition so do we do we abandon all hope no no no no i mean i know we're i'm here we're here i they asked for it right i'm just saying that i'm gonna this is gonna it's gonna be fine this story has been requested an obscene amount of times um but what i've learned with our audience is they'll do that knowing what how we're gonna feel about it to stoke the flames so whatever but you know what with going in with these low expectations maybe it will surprise me maybe there'll be stuff i'd like who knows back to the topic at hand weird stuff i'll start with the first odd experience i had here when i first purchased this land i was really excited there was already a house on this property that was the perfect size for me not only that but it seemed pretty new like the former owners didn't stay around very long yeah red flags but how was i supposed to know how messed up this place was anyway i move in without any issues and within a week i'm out on site with some of the trails that were already there looking for deer tracks and other game trails i'm actually having a pretty relaxing time until i swear i heard a baby say mama in the most stereotypical voice I've ever heard off in the distance. Now, like I said, I'm here in the middle of nowhere, so there shouldn't be anyone for miles. I just shook it off as me hearing things. 20 minutes later, I heard the same voice say mama again. Only this time it's 40 yards away on the other side of some trees and brush. It didn't even sound like a real baby. It just sounded like some disturbed dude. Mama. Of course, at this point, he's definitely on my property as well. I start making my way through the undergrowth. Then, when I'm sure I'm about to hit where he was, the brush clears out to a clearing and I finally get a glimpse of the man. He was butt naked and halfway behind a tree and flaunting a huge smile while his eyes stayed kind of squinty. He was also pretty skinny, as I could see his ribs. Now, usually, you hear people say, at this moment, my blood ran cold, but honestly, mine didn't. I was looking at some butt-naked crackhead trespassing on my property. He decided to let out another mama during silence when I was trying to figure out my next move, so I promptly responded with a hearty, What the actual fuck are you doing? That's when he decided my next move for me. This is going to be a long one. He started running. And I might have run away if he hadn't been so scrawny. So, when he reached me with that big smile and looked like he was about to grab me, I punched him in the throat. It was a good punch. I was proud of it, honestly. It would have kept any normal man on the ground for at least a minute. This is when I got the first hint that this wasn't a normal man. While I was standing there, proud of my Mike Tyson-level haymaker, the guy immediately got back to his feet and before I had time to do anything, I said, It's time to hit him again. He dive-tackled me to the ground. And it hurt pretty bad. He somehow pinned my shoulders to the ground, and no matter how hard I kicked and punched him, he wouldn't let up. So, I was forced to use plan B. I pulled out my trusty Bear Grylls survival knife and stabbed him in the gut twice. This finally got his attention, and he hopped back to his heels, slinging blood all over me in the process. I got back to my feet, knife in hand, and waited for him to do something else. All he did, though, was stick a finger in his wound, then lick the blood off, then cartwheel into the woods, crying like an actual newborn baby this time. Now, by this point, I was pretty on edge, and right as he got far enough away that I could no longer hear him, I turned and walked home. I know I should have run, but running through the woods is so tiring, and I just didn't feel like it. When I got home, all was normal again. For a while. Another story that comes to mind when I think about odd things happening around the area is the event that led to me no longer camping in the woods. By the time that the events of this story took place, I had already experienced quite a few things on this property. And this was easily the third freakiest thing to happen up to that point, right behind the naked stab victim that cried like a newborn baby and cartwheeled out into the woods. This time I had decided that I wanted to go camping. Despite all the stuff that had happened, I had never been seriously injured in those woods. So why not go sleep in them? Bad choice, I know. Anyways, the first few hours when I got into the woods went fine. I set up a camp, built a fire, burnt myself trying to cook a hot dog, piss on fire that burnt me. Then I started to realize, camping's pretty boring when you're all alone. So I decided to go to sleep. Next thing I know, I wake up to the sound of a young girl's voice down in the creek. Sounds like she's college-type age. She's saying, "Help, I need some help down here. I'm lost." "Dad, help!" And I can hear her down the creek from my tent. Now, this isn't the first time I've been lured into the woods by a voice pleading for help. But this voice was a lot more convincing than the others. Nonetheless, I still brought my newly-purchased.45 caliber handgun that I had bought for dealing with the things on the land. I made my way into the creek, flashlight in hand, and headed down to the voice. Soon, I find the source. Now, I didn't put the flashlight beam on her right away because I didn't want to blind her. But I could clearly see the outline of a small girl sitting on the bank of the creek. I got about 15 feet away, and she stopped me, stating that, "You really don't need the flashlight with the moon out like this." It wasn't even close to a full moon, so that confused me a little. I replied with, "Uh, I don't know about you, but I can't see a thing out here." "Let me help you, though. Are you hurt?" Then I started to shine the flashlight on her, but she screamed "Stop!" before I got to her face. This time, her voice wasn't convincing. I could tell she wasn't human. Now, what you guys need to realize is that I'm not a badass, and I'm not trying to sound cool or tough, but ever since something happened three years ago, same event that caused me to move out here, I don't respond to situations the same anymore. Maybe I'm not scared of death anymore. Maybe I'm mentally unstable. - - Maybe I'm mentally unstable. Maybe-- gosh. Maybe I'm weird. So, can I just say something real quick? Yeah. We're under the same pretense that this is like a 5'8", 290-pound guy that wears, like, vests, fedora, fingerless gloves. Just making sure. We're both-- Kingdom Hearts chain wallet. Yeah. Large DC shoes. The event that he's referring to where someone broke in-- or, sorry, where-- where, you know, he doesn't fear death anymore is 'cause someone broke in to steal his Pokemon cards. He had the holograms. Someone broke into his apartment, went on his Plex account, and deleted all of his anime from his Plex account. Yeah. So, now he doesn't fear death anymore 'cause-- Oh, I guess I can't watch my girlfriend turn into a jelly anymore. Okay. Just-- I mean, like, so far, the story's had a couple-- like, when we did the stairs in the woods, there was that guy that somersaulted to and from, and then that story was creepy, 'cause, like-- 'cause of how it's presented, and where it shows up in the narrative, and stuff like that. But here, the guy cartwheeling away is so much dumb emphasis. And here, there's a half-girl monster thing on the side of the bank, but the way it's, like-- maybe I-- maybe I'm mentally unstable. Maybe I'm weird. It's like, what-- the way things are described is taking all of the tension out of it. Yeah. I mean, so far-- I mean, like, granted, we're still very early into the story, but it does feel like it's-- this is cherry-picking off all those other popular stories currently, just kind of, like, reframing them a bit. But who knows? Maybe it gets better. Who knows? Maybe. But when I established that this thing wasn't human, I started to smile. It fooled me. Got me out here in the woods, in its domain. It was probably going to make an attempt on my life. But I might as well piss it off a little. So I flicked my flashlight up and revealed its face. It actually wasn't-- it was a girl, sort of. She was super pale and had abnormally large eyes that were completely black. When the light hit, it actually was a girl. She had giant black eyes. It actually was a girl. I mean, sort of. She had no hair and had gray skin and a flying saucer. But you know, girl, some would say. Yeah, I knew that she was going to take my life. But I decided, what the hunk of heck. I knew she was going to kill me. I'm going to frick this person off a little bit. The way-- it's like, I knew it would probably make an attempt on my life. But I smiled. It's like-- I know. I mean, you just get ripped in half. It took me-- it brought me to its domain. It's like just a fucking morbidly obese guy just hitting a jewel. Well, if you're going to take my life, dear stranger. Yeah, I saw the band-- Please let me piss you off. I saw the band coming, so I stashed up on the mango pods. I'm still working off a 29-year supply. When the light hit her face, her head snapped forward and made eye contact with me. And her jaw dropped open three times larger than any humans could. And then she screamed. It was loud, like inhuman loud. It sounded like a girl's scream, but as if it were being played through massive speakers to make it ear splitting. Then I felt something closing around my neck. She hadn't moved, but was somehow choking me. I'm still screaming. I've realized while living here that the entities that can hurt you can also get hurt themselves. Now, most of them are tough as nails, but they can be hurt. This memory went through my head just as I felt something warm tripping onto my neck, and my left ear went quiet. Busted eardrum. I aggressively threw my flashlight at the bitch, and it connected with what I assume was her eye. I couldn't tell for sure because I didn't have a flashlight. And yes, I forgot to use the gun. It was new, and in the current life or death situation, I forgot I had it. Luckily, this girl wasn't one of the tough ones, and I felt the grip on my neck loosen, and her screams stopped. No sooner had I taken my first breath when she bent over backwards possession style and sprinted into the woods in reverse. When I finally caught my breath, I slowly walked back to my campsite and went to sleep in the tent. You may be asking why I didn't go back home after that, but it was a 20 minute hike and my flashlight was broken. broken, so I had to wait till morning. Slept pretty good, though. No noises woke me up i woke up the next morning expecting my ear to be killing me but miraculously it was completely back to normal i later figured out that it was the lady in the tree who fixed my ear but that's a story for another time god that morning i just packed up everything and headed back home only thing that got messed up was my flashlight so i wasn't even that disappointed in the trip i still don't camp out there anymore because no matter how weirdly wired i am that girl really did freak me out a good bit and i'm sure she's still out there i heard you did you groan at the mention of the woman in the tree yeah because i was like holy fuck we're gonna have to like read this and we're gonna have to read about the woman in the tree also do you remember do you remember the woman that's that saved my eardrum the woman in tree well i have a story for you it's like part seven you're like oh god damn dude fine like it's just uh god yeah but yeah maybe it'll get better it'll get better it's okay it's all right i also thought that it's funny he's like it was a 20 minute walk back and my legs are already pretty swollen so i just had to sit down and call an uber but they couldn't call they couldn't come that far out so i figured i should just wait till morning this story is immediately better if you imagine that this is some like uh discord mod stuck indoors who like thinks his like the woods around his house are haunted but he's never been out there because he's not an outdoorsman so he's not going to be able to get out of there so he's not going to be able to get out of there so he's not going to be able to get out of there just writes about what might happen if he goes out there the idea of a discord mod having to live out in the country with his parents or like his grandparents or something or whatever like whatever property it is you know and he's like luckily they have fiber so i'm still able to game online and you did something like that and then uh it's all the weird shit that's happening but he's mostly just concerned with like his discord kittens or like moderating his chat so he really doesn't give a fuck about any of the things going on around him he's like i gotta get back to my that'd be that would be a funny uh story i would enjoy that i mean feel free to ad lib those in with this guy i feel like it'll fit you know what is satisfying to me is for as much as me and you hate this um there will be an amount of viewers who equally hate it as there will be uh an equal amount of viewers on the other side of the aisle who suggested this story in the first place knowing what it would do so we gotta the maybe there'll be stuff that comes out of it but currently the the language is killing me a little bit i'm not gonna lie it's also true early in the morning for me to really like fake it that much or be optimistic so we're we're all gonna die it will hurt and we all right currently we're all burning in hell but i have to hope that there's a ladder to escape soon i uh i just i hate i hate the comments that are like do they not vet the stories but they should have quality control that would completely dismiss what we're trying to do which is going blind on these stories all right yeah what am i supposed to do read the story first it's uh i feel like every story should be perfect like no every fucking almost all of them are gonna suck major dick and we have to sit here and we have to just power through that's what this is powering through there are a couple good ones that i've earmarked for soon and i'm i think i'm gonna need one of them for the uh next recording i haven't read them out know that they're good but people have like the people who suggest this story are not the people who suggest the other stories so i think i need to pull a shoot a flare after this episode anyway you never you never know it might pick up i mean my currently my my opinion of it's on the floor so anything will be a step up so we'll see 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until september 27th that's right half off and free daily greens per box again to try it out head to factormeals.com/creepcast50off and use code creepcast50off to get in on this incredible offer today thank you to factor for sponsoring the show their link will be in the description and we are now back to the episode this episode sponsored by tushy and it's time to upgrade dad's favorite seat in the house with tushy's luxury bidet that means water up my butthole dad's favorite seat in the house is the one where his bare ass is exposed don't tickle me down there tushy tushy helps bring maximum comfort to your trips to the bathroom well sometimes i blast water my and chunks of poo poo fall out and it cleans my bum bum tushy's even days insulin modernize your daily routine making it cleaner and healthier i love using tushy because it gives you a two-in-one benefits two in the pink one of the steak by reducing irritation and preventing micro tears while using less toilet paper less bloody asshole means less charming okay pretty good stuff things can be pretty messy in our bathroom that's why i made the switch to adding tushy in every bathroom in my studio because i'm a disgusting slob and there's poop everywhere and by doing that tushy helps us use up to 80 percent less toilet paper and with less toilet paper means less responsibility and less toilet paper means less clogged toilets and less gross bathroom experiences unlike having water spray at my shitty ass with cakes all over the inside of my toilet that's not gross at all it's the toilet paper that i can cleanly wipe and throw away and it flushes and goes away no it's the residue what's the problem it's not the toilet paper it's not gross it's the residue left behind from tushy the other thing i really like about tushy is that it's really easy to use you can scent cleanse and dry using the built-in air dryer i actually don't cleanse anymore i only dry tushy approved tushy bidets go on easy in 10 minutes or less over your existing toilets no power tools needed and every hello tushy bidet comes with a 30-day hassle-free return and 12-month warranty stop guessing you're clean start feeling it jesus christ that's their call to action stop guessing your claims start feeling it god damn for a limited time our listeners get 10 off their first bidet order when you use code creepcast at checkout that's 10 off your first bidet order at hellotushy.com with promo code creepcast thank you to tushy for sponsoring this episode now back to the episode you got an itchy butthole you got poopy stinky butthole don't just guess be sure to dry it real hot with tushy's air dryer and then from there you could do all kinds of things you could try to get poopy stinky stinky itchy time you ever want to feel like your butthole's been stung by about 20 hornets tushy you like having a messy toilet bowl looks like somebody just blew their brains out with poop tushy i like you i like whenever i have a hershey kiss poop you know what i'm talking about when it's like a piece of poop won't fall so it's like a melted hershey kiss on my asshole and i get a blast i get a blast that sucker with my tushy bidet and it sprays all over my bottom all over my bare ass cheeks and the the toilet bowl but lucky with tushy i feel right at home i feel perfectly clean i feel itchy afterwards i love an itchy i love an itchy tushy what you will notice so far is that these entities aren't really very effective killers but that doesn't go for everything out here i can't tell you all about the property without mentioning skinny screw skinny i understand that skin walkers are a common topic on the horror scene at the moment and from what i can tell i think that's the creature i'm dealing with but i could also be wrong because if this is a skin walker it's advanced to another level not only does it imitate voice it imitates appearance and it really wants me dead or gone i like to call it skinny i think it pisses him off though and when i say his name i say it loud because especially at night i know he's listening i've lived here for three years now and he's been harassing me for about a year now and i've been harassing him for about a year now and he's good one of the smartest things to come after me so far the only one that can seem to almost get in my head he tries to lure me out not by pretending to be someone in trouble like other imitators that i've dealt with before he's aware that this stuff doesn't work on me anymore no he tries to piss me off he wants me to try to kill him the problem is we both know i probably can't one time he got me though i was watching a documentary about veteran suicide. It's a terrible topic. I was. i'm a supporter of the armed forces and i think it's terrible that our government doesn't take better care of the vets that risk everything overseas so we don't have to they were doing a slideshow of men who had unfortunately lost the struggle with their own demons i had to look away for a second because this one guy that appeared on the screen looked too young and happy to have gone to this dark of a place he was mixed race from what i could tell athletic looking and had a big dimpled smile on his face when i looked away i'm suddenly staring at the same kid outside my window same smile same build same uniform one difference across his forehead was the word failure i instantly knew it was skinny he wasn't trying to imitate this kid he was insulting him and he finally struck a nerve as this gosh the character the character we talked about this being i have getting like fired up about stolen valor is awesome that is kind of funny i could take anything dead kids or whatever but stolen valor is one thing i draw the line and skinny you talk about the twopes and all bets are off you talk about our brothers and sisters that have defended this country and i'm going to freaking kick your ass as the gun comes up like lee greenwood's playing when the man plays to the chief and he finally struck a nerve i had seen him imitate so many other people and try so many other tricks but this was the one that finally but this was the one that finally broke me i was ending this creature i exploded out of my chair and bolted for my bedroom grabbed my 45 caliber handgun and proceeded to walk towards the same window the young soldier was still staring through got within five feet and saw the word changed it now spelled out i deserved it after reading this i didn't hesitate to raise my gun and fire two shots but i think he ducked them bastards fast i stormed outside to try to find him but he wasn't anywhere to be seen that's when i hear whispered into my ear and i was flung against the wall of my house the gun flew out of my hand in the process wow was he oh so he was okay he's next to him sorry they're doing anime moves on each other yeah yeah he's like throwing him and after the head says the gun flew out of my hand in the process broke two ribs and dislocated my shoulder so like so he's in an unimaginable pain against the side of the house for sure uh i was a dead man and he knew it ever since the incident that led me to buy a house by myself out in the middle of the woods i don't think i've ever felt fear again something something's wrong with my head but i did feel defeat i fell for this trap just like mark walberg in that movie lone survivor about those brave soldiers traversing and the story of um just like those markers zero dark 30 when they decided to kill osama bin laden and the story of marcus latrell is definitely real and definitely wasn't hammed up for lone survivor and if you ever say that that that's not how it went you'll freaking piss me off what troop were you in yeah so it's like that smiling friends bit it's like dude are you doing blackface it's like no no it's not blackface it's just this is my normal face this is my normal face yeah what the fuck yeah a bunch of guys show up in the room and they're like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry in the woods and they're like hey yeah it's like it's a veteran like a veteran with a shopping cart making fun of mark walberg yeah yeah you think that's funny making fun of mark walberg like that asshole i got a hero i'm trying to scare this guy in this house yeah so what the fuck are you doing out here impersonating mark walberg man what no you got the happening what are you going to do kill me in my sleep what no man what no yeah that's what the skinwalker is doing on the front porch oh oh that just i mean part one man he's getting he's so fired up about stolen valor he has to shoot a skinwalker gosh dude it's awesome good for him i feel like at first i was worried because harry told us going in he was like you guys are going to be upset um and i i was like oh well that ruined like the surprise like shouldn't we come to that conclusion naturally no it's it's immediate there's no hiding the dog on this one something's wrong with my head but i did feel defeat i fell for his trap and now he's gonna kill me now as these thoughts pass through my brain i pass out from the pain and the concussion probably then for some reason that i still don't understand i woke up it was bright outside and i was covered in blood and it was like i was in more pain than i had ever been in my entire life but i was alive why was i alive i struggled to stand up with my right arm hanging loosely at my side and i soon noticed the words carved into the outside wall of my house next time this is a screw skinny whatever ever since i got back from the hospital i told the doctors i fell off a roof i've been trying to find ways to deal with or kill a skinwalker if there is a way or if he's even a skinwalker he beat me i'm usually pretty light-hearted with most of my experiences no matter how intense they are but i just can't win this one because if i lose skinny again i guess i'll be signing off for good be careful out there and don't be fooled like me there isn't always a next time but hey not dead yet so maybe there will be a next time i plan on writing down more of my experiences in the future so keep your eyes peeled for those until next time cole signing off sometimes you know what's interesting is sometimes i think people enjoy this too is you read you read something and then the first part you're like oh that's fun and then it starts it starts devolving over time right and you're like ah well okay to where you you at least start with an idea like a fun idea this this feels like uh this feels it's like pulling teeth right off the bat you know what it's like it's besides all the quirky stolen valor chungus you know not even chungus but just like this just like guy being like chungus yeah i guess i usually am scared but i think i just mess with it a little bit before i die stuff like that i think that it's just i don't like these stories also because it's like there's really no rhyme or reason it's just it always starts with the guy being like yeah i bought this house out in the middle of nowhere and uh yeah it's pretty new i should call those a red flag because the house is new and they just kind of left real quick but you know these things are starting to fuck with me now and that like it doesn't really give any rhyme or reason to anything besides it's just like aren't these things well look how evil these things are in the woods in this particular part of the woods yeah yeah um so what what's your solution to that like you think it can go up from here is that what you're saying no oh oh god no no not at all i'm saying i'm saying that i think a story or the hook of a story which to be fair this is no sleep it's just a reddit post but if you were constructing a multi-part series where you like are trying to unveil maybe why these things are happening i think like one i also don't care about the character at all i think like one thing that's important is establishing like just a strong character why are we following them why do i care about this guy what is like what is the current state of our character in at the beginning of the story that's messed up because of the thing that made him move out to the woods yeah that's true we have we've alluded to something but i guess it's like there's nothing like i don't really feel like i know the character at all in a way where you're like oh that's interesting i want to like see what that is it's just like a little brief thing with like by the way i moved out here because i'm kind of screwed up over something that'll happen and i'll tell you that later i'm a little flicked up right now but the entities being something where it is just simply man i moved here and there's a lot of weird stuff happening it doesn't there's really no rhyme or reason for it and it's also why a lot of this stuff feels kind of random and uh not really i guess earned or it doesn't feel like i'm like oh that's a fun it doesn't make me like want to play along i guess because they're probably i don't think i don't think i think you can do the chungusy humor thing as long as like the base level story if from getting a to b is well thought out and fun i mean there i mean there's themes like that in tales from the gas station and the um uh well the the watchtower one what can i think right now broadcast tower whatever the lonely broadcaster lonely broadcast yeah lonely broadcast station uh yeah that one i think there was also stuff with the like some of the humor being a little goofy and stuff but it works because everything was pre-established and the characters were pre-established and i think both of those interesting like the people that went missing and the stuff i was interested in the story but here it starts off with the whole like you don't want to know what i've been through well yeah i mean there's like a little there's simple things too about the there's simple things are the other two that are interesting as well that it's like one their jobs which even if you i mean you could just be like we'll just quit the job it gives a motive and a purpose for a person to be there and to experience these things and like and then you can just be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god and then you can just be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god for the sake of it being a little funny or just kind of like odd you can you can like believe that they would stay you know or the experiences would build up over time and blah blah but the stakes are raised but both of those stories also the protagonists are interesting enough to where and the protagonist is interesting enough and they introduce side characters and how the character feels about them you just get to know more about the character and what they're thinking versus this is just him the only thing we found out so far is that he's a total badass and he doesn't take care and he does not appreciate stolen valor that's the one thing he refuses to joke about joke about my own life which i do but don't you dare joke about that that tone the stolen valor thing did kind of give me that was like a life preserver in the ocean it is and i hope there's more i hope there's something i hope every part of this devolves into him being upset about a skinwalker pretending to be dead like i guess troops to make him upset yeah also once again don't want to advocate for stolen valor don't don't advocate for dead troops i'm just saying as a concept for a horror story it's very funny advocates for the death of troops and also i could see people taking what i said and running i'm just clarifying making sure people know you that there's a quote from you on this podcast where you say without prompt by yourself with no diffusion i will do stolen valor i will well i i i myself doing it i will do stolen valor right there you go okay there's the second time you said it now so all right record show i'm happy to see that my experiences from part one got some attention oh my god i fucking hate this fuck i hate this so much that actually makes me pretty happy because that is exactly what you said god damn it every time my bear trap went off like that was a ding ding ding winner it's also your bear trap because you said i hate the whole yeah i got attention here's some more things about it blah blah blah i wasn't expecting this stuff to actually get any traction i'm mainly here to vent and i have a place to catalog stuff that happens around my house people also seem to enjoy the part where the naked dude attacked me and cartwheeled into the woods crying like a baby when i stabbed him still not sure if he was human no i feel obligated to tell more of my experiences also feel free to leave any questions you have and i will try to answer them in the next post that being said if you haven't read part one i suggest you go back now and read it i'm going to tell the following experiences as if you already know about the other experiences i've written about having on this property this place is not normal after all it takes some getting used to now that the intro is out of the way i think we can start with camo and camo is a nuisance first time i came into contact with him was during the first whitetail deer season when i first found out that camo was a nuisance and i had no idea why camo is a nuisance and i had no idea why camo is a nuisance and i had no idea why camo is a nuisance and i had no idea why camo is a nuisance and i had no idea why camo is a nuisance and i had no idea why camo is a nuisance and i had no idea why camo is a nuisance and i had no idea why camo is a nuisance now i'm a hunter but the program that is helping me after the incident said i wasn't allowed to have guns because the noise draws too much attention i live in the middle of nowhere and there isn't anybody else for miles unless you count the chosen but i'm pretty sure that the program isn't worried about them luckily the lady in the tree hooked me up with the 45 caliber and now have my possession but i didn't have it upon first meeting camo unfortunately i hate that you if i if i hear 45 caliber one more time i'm gonna i will take a 45 caliber to my own fucking head 100 that's the caliber the troops also what do we get what what do we get by not just telling the viewer what is two world wars what do we what do we get by not knowing what is wrong or at least like like him keeping him him keeping his past of like the incident the whole point hunter is like oh it's intriguing isn't this intriguing don't you want to learn more no no no you know what if anything is at least have the character had the character like lean into it or something or just be like i couldn't possibly i don't there's there's i don't know anything about this character to have him be like and i the thing in my past don't worry he doesn't seem bothered by it i think is the problem is how it comes off of he doesn't seem he doesn't seem like he's uh no because a hundred again do you have to imagine this is the discord mod in the middle of the woods but won't go into them and imagining himself as a cool guy i wasn't had to take zoloft because my princess because my unlike kitted refused to date me there you go now now you're talking now you're in the sweet spot i first saw him when i was walking towards the ladder stand i had set up on a tree to watch deer since i could no longer kill them and yes i could have a bow but i'm shit with a bow i would risk just hurting the animal i don't like the idea of an animal that is suffering because i can imagine it from your description like a 300 pound dude i'm imagining like he climbs up to the stand and it just collapses i don't like the idea of an animal that is suffering because i couldn't make a shot that would kill it instantly now as i approach my stand i notice a figure already sitting in it it's about the size of a regular human he was dressed in full camouflage pants jacket boots hat face mask and a hat and a hat and a hat and a hat mask and backpack it actually seemed like a regular person which i hadn't seen any of those in the woods for an entirety of the four months i had been living there the things that live on this property are generally more extreme but no matter how relieved i was to see a proper human for once he was deep in my property and hunted in my stand at a m to leave i reluctantly shouted over to him hey you ain't supposed to be here time to go dude now i was about 75 yards from here and i was about 75 yards away into his left but i yelled plenty loud for him to hear me clearly he didn't flinch he stayed facing straight forward like a statue what a prick look try to be creepy all you want but ignoring someone like that's just rude oh god i know he hears me fuck you fat fuck i know he hears me i have reason to believe he was just trying to freak me out because i've made him break character before so after i can't even describe it what this guy looks like in my head at this point it's like he has one of those ear flap caps you know with the flaps tied around under his chin and he's got like a fishing vest that goes halfway down his chest and then just he looks like an ice cream cone beyond that yeah besides 5x shirt and then yeah he has his dark souls t-shirt that's like 26 waist like the bow he's laying the bow on his rolls but because of the way he's shaped it's like his arms are straight out with the bow and the arrow he has the he has the bow over his body right but the bow is like bending to the point where you hear the wood starting to creak because it's like stretching the material so much and it's really pressing into and it's very uncomfortable and his uh game of thrones winter is coming shirt that's like two sizes too small yeah yeah that's it oh he keeps doing the shirt pull thing like oh dude yeah which i do that i do that even just sitting down i mean that's a that's a very real thing once people started figuring about the shirt the shirt tug all all of fat humanity collected together and they're like we have got a problem defcon zero we are fucking we are in the red right now well i never thought about it until people started pointing it out but i saw there was like a video of this and i was like dude like a heavier guy on a moped that got hit by a truck oh yeah and this guy got thrown as he's rolling you can see him pull the shirt the shirt tug i'm telling you it happens that's the worst part is when any fat person falls down it looks catastrophic and they always have to do the shirt tug i'd rather i would rather i would rather someone i'd rather look like a fucking idiot getting hit by a car than have someone see the fucking underside of a peanut that's like what that's like what the bottom of my stomach looks like like yeah i'd rather have my fucking skull split open on the concrete than have someone see that the fucking circus peanut under my shirt so after i yell and he ignores me i start getting impatient i yelled the same thing at him again a little louder and still ended up with the same response what a dick now i'm livid because he's making me ruin all my chances of seeing deer this afternoon by making me yell at him so naturally i started a brisk stroll over to off to his face or maybe kick his ass i already noticed he didn't have a rifle so i just assumed that he was watching like i was planning on doing of course he could have had a concealed handgun but i'm a dumbass so i didn't consider that then i heard the crunch of something under my foot and the sudden sound of rope sliding across the surface at high speed i froze for a fraction of a second did you say rope did you say rope or rope okay i could have swore i heard you say i was like oh my god the sudden sound of rope sliding across the surface i froze for a fraction of a second and before i could speak out an oh shit i'm hanging upside down for my ankle yeah right there's a loop around my leg that held me suspended seven feet off the ground like a damn cartoon yeah right dude this big boy you kidding me yeah fucking right it's like deep sea it's like deep sea like boat like those giant thick ropes it's the only thing that's holding them yeah it's like there's a ship anchor over in the trees yeah a carnival cruise airline or a carnival cruise uh uh ships anchors on the other side of the tree falling well like the way these traps work is they're counterweights which is why they're easy to do for like rabbits but in movies they'll have people get them it's like you'd have to have like a 500 pound weight off to the side to joint someone up in the tree like that i was like a looney tunes character i couldn't help but roll my eyes i immediately knew it was camo and i look up reread this reread that normal hold on a second go back to there was a loop around my leg again i just want to hear it all strung together okay there was a loop around my leg that held me suspended seven feet off the ground like a damn cartoon i was like a looney tunes character i couldn't help but roll my eyes i immediately knew it was camo and when i look up or down shit i was upside down so i don't really know where i had to look but i saw him slowly climbing down the ladder like really slowly what a dramatic guy if he wasn't so obsessed with appearances he probably could have killed me that's what i think he wanted to do anyway there was a machete on his hip that i can now see him and i can see him and i can see and the blade was chipped at in a way that made it look serrated would have been a very useful tool unless you wanted to use it to inflict pain i think the biggest flaw with camo's trap though was that he didn't account for the fact that 99 percent of people who live alone in the woods learn that carrying a large knife at all times is a necessary thing if you want to stay alive uh you know what's funny about this it is it is obscene to imagine like a young fit well-to-do guy in these situations right like the whole like the stolen valor thing like imagine imagine like a d1 football player getting like now the skin walker's making fun of the troops you know like it's it's so beyond the realm of what you could put together so it's the story forces you to imagine him as like overweight socially maladjusted person um so then every line he says afterwards just sounds so like what i mean as he's upside down as he's hanging upside down i'm just imagining he's breathing like a like a pug and whenever he fell down his sleep app machine fell out of his uh out of his back jacket and it's on the ground right now and he's like okay gotta have trouble sleeping at night i guess yeah gonna have to get another one of those i wish i could tell you that i did a flip after i kept myself down and landed on my feet like some sort of badass but i didn't i landed on the back of my neck and my vision went dark for 15 seconds which i yeah if this guy lands on his head it's over it's gone which i guess was enough time for tweedle dumbass to finally get to the bottom of my ladder stand as i stood up i saw that he was standing completely still at the base of the stand two yards away from me staring at me i could hear his thoughts from here damn why did he get out shit shit shit then he turned and bolted this dude it's it's almost impressive how well the story can just remove any tension or interest because in the midst of this i was like well the idea of a guy called camo that's like a ghost that wears hunter's clothes that's interesting but then the moment is that interesting is that interesting if you had the story because like if you were full camo you can't see the person at all so i was almost imagining like an invisible man kind of figure like a like a ghost that just looks like hunter's clothing walking through the woods and if it's never speaking and it shows up in hunter's positions i think conceptually it'd be interesting outside of the story but then the moment we interact with it it's just this it's just like everything else is which that leads me to ask like going back to the quirk chungus thing like what purpose does that serve in the story other than to damage it you know i like that uh every also every enemy so far has turned and bolted everyone everyone has run away it's been a big thing because they would just kill him if they didn't yeah or i just i have no idea how to remove the other tension so either i black out or they run away yeah yeah i either pass out or they run away because if they stay there with them then they could just you know kill him and it's over the guy falls from uh half a foot up lands on his feet rolls his ankle immediately oh wouldn't that be a strange scared camo and runs off half a foot like a stair step it's a lot of weight coming down he's in his uh he's in his large tongue dc shoes he's in there he rolls around also he's wearing like one of those peaky blinder hats by the way instead of the one that's covering his ears it's it's a full peaky blinders hat his uh the belly caps or whatever yeah one of those he's wearing uh like uh he's wearing checkered uh like checkered cargo pants yeah whatever like a ska band would wear he went to the barber it was like i want to look like thomas shelby from peaky blinders so they gave him like the fade but the way his head shaped it just looks like a pinhead like a little hair on top it looks like a monkey looks like king kong looks like how the apes have those little yeah those little crests of hair on the top of their head well he went he went in there doing that but the top of his hair is already so thin that they kind of just like snipped it a couple times and he's like you guys america workers he was really confident walking out of the barber shop someone said something about it and he felt bad yeah hello there i want to look like thomas shelby that'll fix everything this dude was booking i lost sight of him in less than 30 seconds into my chase and had to give up i bet i need to jog more it's right in itself baby i mean again stuff like that like am i suppose is the author intending me to imagine a young fit guy who's like i lost him after 30 seconds i need to jog more like come on and what more by the time i got back to the ladder stand it was already getting dark i didn't even get to watch any deer i've seen camo on multiple other occasions as well but i figured him out he got me the first time but this traps really aren't that sneaky they're elaborate but not sneaky he always appears in an area that i plan on hunting in don't know how he knows where i'm going to be but i stopped questioning stuff on this land a long time ago and i always have to notice him long before i get to the location again i have no idea how he plans to shit out and secondly there's always a trap set somewhere directly between when i first spot him and his actual location like if i were to draw a line from him to where i see him from the trap will always be on that line also another important thing to realize is that none of his traps are fatal they're all meant to keep me from escaping but not kill me they do hurt though one time i stepped in a bear trap he had set out and it for sure would have broken my leg had it got me just cuts to his non-fatal swollen swollen purple calves he does step on it and it's just like the bear trap has no distance to move so it just like it doesn't it doesn't do anything he had stopped his leg fills up the entire bear trap yeah his swollen foot fills it yeah he's like damn you camo he's like diabetic socks are stopping the bear trap from piercing his skin his compression socks are saving him i love that idea camo but camo didn't take into account my dollar general my my dollar general compression socks camo doesn't know i'm built for this yeah camo doesn't realize i'm built this way camo doesn't know the wrath he called to him camo doesn't know the wrath he called to him as if he's sneaking around as if cam doesn't know he's coming they can hear him wheezing from out far away walking through the woods and then camo sees him and he's like that is the fattest deer i've ever seen oh my god this this this this this non-fatal part was his downfall i figured out that he didn't want me to die in a trap he probably he probably wanted to do the deed himself or maybe do something else but he really didn't want me dead in a trap so all i had to do move on from it who cares move on from the trap there's been like three of those paragraphs where he says the same thing over and over and over again god help me good lord someone kill this fat bastard dude good lord don't worry hunter don't worry hunter because after the lady in the tree hooked me up with the 45 fuck off over a year and a half ago oh my god one of the first problems i wanted to solve with it was the creator of the various nets ankle stairs and holes that attempted to contain me many times before the hole just plumps down he looks like a it looks like a fresh baked oven he's like he looks like a fresh baked muffin and coming out of the oven it's like it's like upper half he's like oh my god he's like dang it camo god he's just firing off shots from the hole from the hole up there in the ground he has this giant ministerith lego set there he's like camo and i knew exactly how i was gonna do it one of camo's recurring traps was just a large 11 foot deep hole covered by a large amount of suspiciously patterned sticks and leaves that could literally be seen 100 yards away i just had to wait until he used this trap again after a swinging log that i think was supposed to knock me out and another net that was meant to land on top of me i might add that it was made of wire so i couldn't cut through it but it also had a glare from the sunlight that made it impossible not to see i finally came across the trap i was looking for four weeks after i got the gun i find myself walking towards an 11-foot hole trying to pretend i don't see it suddenly i start falling i was ready for the fall and let out a loud yell as i travel downwards and as i hit the ground i stayed as quiet as possible which was hard considering the broken toe and dislocated you see what i mean like no no if he was capable he wouldn't have broken his toe and dislocated his knee from the drop down it was a fun one a far far drop a far a far three foot drop into the hole yeah a far half foot drop screw camo for making me do this i army crawled over to the side of the hole and laid my head against the side to make it look like i'd broken my neck then i waited took 15 minutes for that little prick to dramatically make his way over to me but i heard him walking up to the edge of the hole i obviously had to close my eyes to appear dead because i couldn't run the risk of blinking but i almost smiled when i heard camo mutter to himself oh shit no no no no they're gonna be so fucking pissed i took advantage of the moment and quickly opened my eyes and whipped out the pistol firing three shots at him as quickly as i could i missed with all but one literally just like bam bam bam closing his eyes can't aim just the bullet that met its mark put a hole in camo's shoulder and he let out a garbled scream of nonsense and gibberish something along the lines of you piece of fucking you piece of fucking you i can't believe that ass fucking you shit he did end up running away but as he ran i heard him say fuck this dude oh shit i'm fucking done i was laughing my ass off imagine him imagine him laying on his back his big belly jiggling he's like winter is coming a little debbie oatmeal cream cookie from his back pocket it's still laying on the ground it's also just funny to imagine someone who like there's multiple entities in the woods trying to kill him he can't explain and he still just goes into the woods constantly for no reason yeah why why i there's no reason well we haven't we haven't figured out his super dark and deep seedy past why he can't let's throw a bear trap out right now do you think he gets a girl at some point in this or like the lady in the trees like a siren figure lady of the lake sort of thing i think she's a for some reason she's a hero i feel like he's probably a vet of some kind and he yeah he had something happen where he broke down maybe trying to save someone or something like that so maybe she's like an entity that knows he's a good deed or like she's a tree spirit that knows he's a like a good soul or something i don't know though yeah i reckon it'll go in a similar direction i don't know how yeah but something like that i feel like what i was getting at is i feel like there's going to be a waifu element in here somewhere god i hope it's at some point there's going to be like a like an attractive woman that like sees even if it's a spirit who sees the good in him kind of thing you're not like the others you're not like the others are you yeah no ma'am i am not okay till i really till i realized i was severely injured and had to climb out of this hole good thing it was daytime though or i might not have noticed the black rope that camo had lowered into the hole while he was cursing himself for killing me i somehow managed to pop my knee back in a joint based on shit i had seen earlier in life and climbed out to limp my way back to the house that was such a good day broken toes are expensive to get treated though i bet you'd know the best part is that i haven't seen camo since that day it actually worked wish i could pull something like that off with skinny another thing that i guess i need to explain to all of you readers is the lady in the tree i've mentioned her a few times now and at least some of you are probably wondering about her honestly don't know much about her myself but she is hands down the best thing on this property my first experience with her was when she healed a broken eardrum that i had suffered when meeting what i think was a banshee down in my creek it was busted when she screeched really loud and do we just read that sleep yeah god it was one part ago describe it he'll describe it don't god damn get me out of this fucking hell holy shit don't worry it's only part two of nine oh god nine i woke up perfectly fine the next morning almost thought it was all a dream until i saw the blood still on my pillow and the broken flashlight that i'd used in personal defense well i guess this was the first time it affected me directly but not the first time she had helped me out the true first time i didn't realize was her until last night it was the gun the gun that i talked about purchasing in part one wasn't really purchased we know because you told us that the lady and why also why also why tell us in the what doesn't make sense is you told us that in the first part right yeah well and also it's somewhere it was either the first part or in this part it said that the lady gave it to him yeah so why why even lie about that in the first part like why not just say hey the lady in the tree gave me a gun well hana well hana i didn't want to lie because i just wasn't willing to admit that i looted it off an old corpse and i had found in an abandoned log cabin in the back of the property so there you go this is an example of how sneaky she is i only started to wonder if it was her doing while i was recording the first set of these stories and i started to think about how good of shape this gun was in of course it was a little dirty when i found it but it was also in perfect operating condition and i figured that the skeleton that was clutching it didn't need it anymore but how at this point i wouldn't be surprised if he came to life each night either way i left the cabin with the newest sidearm two boxes of ammunition i didn't really think about it much because finding a gun on a body is pretty mild considering the events that go down here on a week-to-week basis but yesterday i started questioning the real origins of this gun it was so well maintained a new feeling when i got it but the skeleton looked like it had been there forever not to mention the fact that the gun was unloaded and the boxes of ammo were unopened but the skeleton looked like it had died holding the gun like he was intended to use it didn't add up so i headed back to the cabin and i found my answer everything was the same when i got there as it had been over a year ago i mean nothing had changed especially not the body the exact same as before i was nervous at first not because the body scared me but because the joke about the skeleton coming back to life from earlier wasn't really that far-fetched in this place i've never seen an undead skeleton but i have seen other forms of undead maybe i'll tell you about those experiences sometime nervous or not though i had to confirm my suspicion i approached the body and started examining the clothes just like i expected the flannel shirt and brown jeans had no tags not like they had been ripped out but like they were never there to begin with now there was only one more thing to check i took out my knife and scraped the blade skeleton's exposed arm bone sure enough the shaving fell off it was wood the entire skeleton was made of wood and painted a lightish brown among other discolorations to look like the real deal the lady in the tree is very talented when it comes to wood but she can do so much more i've only seen her in person two times once when i caught a glimpse of her smiling as she walked into an opening and to a tree only to close the opening with the door that fits so perfectly i couldn't see the edges when i walked up to it i just looked like a normal tree and a second time two days later after i encountered the screeching banshee in the creek i saw her out the window of my front door smiling in she winked at me and ducked out of view i ran to the door to try to see her fully but by the time i swung the door open she was gone in the night nowhere to be seen which is really annoying but almost consider us friends by now and she still won't show herself to me fully one day now when i started the second time i didn't know what or who she was but when i looked at the ground in defeat i when i looked at the ground in defeat i noticed a small sheet of what looked like homemade paper on it was a short message that read i wish to congratulate on killing the key he was bringing evil over the land that was distressed in the forest i don't know how you actually ended him but i'm happy all the same i've seen you roaming and i am certain you have seen me we worked towards the same goal cleansing this land my vows as medicine woman keep me from directly interfering with the creature of this land but i wish you luck on your mission and i will support you from the shadows as best i can hope your ear i hope your ears feel better so i think that keela she was talking about me killing i think was a rabbit coyote that i killed a few days before the creek incident it was hairless and just stared at me through some trees i think it was trying to intimidate me to leave its territory so i shot it between the eyes and left my my territory but this was the first time i realized that i but this just this idea of a comically fat man like walking up in the woods and just shooting an animal in between the eyes and leaving but this was the first time i realized that i finally had someone on my side on this land and that was a relief she was actually really helpful once i got bit by a rattlesnake and when i got home there was a bottle labeled anti-venom sitting on my kitchen table another time i got bit by one of the shadow children while i was hiking when i got home there was a bottle of purple liquid and a glass vial in the same place on the table honestly expected it to heal the wound or something but it just made me really drunk because she couldn't help me much that time she said other stuff too but now i'm kind of worried about her i haven't heard or experienced any help from her in eight months i'm worried something got to her or even worse what if she's mad at me i mean skinny almost killed me six months ago and she didn't do i've grown to like her and even depend on her a bit but she's just gone i think i'll call it quits for this post but hopefully i can stay alive long enough to for the next post the hunt for skinny continues and if you don't know who that is shame on you for not reading the first post before now and if you do know who that is i appreciate any suggestions you have for killing him see you all next time cole's signing off end of part two and uh i'm just gonna read you a uh the comment on this uh post uh someone said i've been following the story and suffice to say i'm not disappointed maybe the lady's ignoring you because you've been investigating her too much so she does sound shy i hope she's okay though as for the skinnies i'm thinking of using the same kind of alluring tricks as theirs use recordings of your own making it sound like you were in distress and set traps alongside their traps or place traps on your own in totally different locations but make yours but make yours as damaging as possible i hope the skinnies don't see you setting them well you know what hunter maybe maybe you and i are just jaded you know and maybe maybe it's nice to be the kind of person that can get really into this kind of thing you know i um target audience maybe that feels good i i there's no way i could be having a positive i there's no way us reading this can have a positive effect for this story i feel like no no so here's the question ship sailed on that one here's the here's the question that is literally part two of nine do we want to try to pivot at all is this going to be something that people are just going to complain about versus is is this a fun crash out or is this just like people just you know what i mean are they just gonna be like god this is terrible this is better than happy happy and that thing did numbers so all right i guess but but happy happy has like uh like a cult like status doesn't it dude you should see the amount the story's been recommended to us okay all right fine we'll keep going i feel like every video we post people are like my property's a normal property's a normal and yes they know what they're doing they know why they're recommending it um but you know just like that comment you read though maybe maybe if you if you can enjoy going to disney world and you can like marvel movies and stuff like that and you can watch all the tv shows maybe that's what it is to be free you know to just attach yourself to that degree maybe it's nice you know well part three yeah part three hey guys i'm back boom boom it's gonna be every part hunter i know it's been a few days since my last post one of the pails chewed through the wires in my generator and since civilians aren't allowed out here by the organization i had to wait three days for one of their electricians to get out here the only reason i knew it was pale that chewed through my main cable was because i watched it do it i was hoping it would electrocute itself but i forgot that part where that's the only source of power for my house since then chosen to had stolen my backpack oh chosen's the name of the group whatever this is probably a good time to say that if you haven't read the first they are bomb back to the regularly scheduled programming i realized while i was stuck in the dark for the past three days reading books hiking out of boredom that i hadn't told you all about the pails yet they suck but they're kind of funny once you figure them out i've seen them on quite a few occasions on the property the pails are white humanoids that crawl on the ground on all fours usually dragging their belly and using the same motion that spider-man uses to climb wall they can move at about a jogging pace and their faces are usually stuck in distorted expressions of pain or anger and boy are they stupid as all hell let me tell you about the first time i saw one i've already been living here about seven months i think so i was becoming familiar with the weird shit that calls this place home i was out hiking some of my trails kind of halfway looking for weird shit halfway minding my own business and suddenly i can hear what sounds like a baseball players sliding through the leaves of the forest floor trying to reach home plate ahead of me only the sliding didn't stop and it was coming straight towards me i prepare myself by taking out my trusty bear i'd like how he has to specify that as a bear grills and survival knife each time every my trusty bear grill survival knife and i mean what i would describe as an aggressive stance what do you think an aggressive stance for this guy looks like oh god i imagine it's it's got to be striking some kind of anime pose you know holding the hand up curling the finger kind of thing yeah yeah i felt pretty badass not gonna lie expecting some creature to come barreling out of the bushes in front of me i was a little shocked to see a butt naked man with super pale skin drag itself out from under the brush on its stomach what is it with the naked dudes on my land can i get a pretty woman at least can i get a pretty woman at least once anyways after i got done being flabbergasted and became aware of my surroundings again i became aware that the dude was almost on me and was reaching out for my leg so i jumped on his back and it worked like a charm this little bastard didn't have superhuman strength like some of the other things out here so when i landed on its back it couldn't do anything but sit there and flop its legs and arms around like a fish i fucking i'm in hell i fucking hate this i am in hell he he is he is peeking through the cracks and admitting that he is a fat man like a huge guy i mean don't know him being him being a giant a giant shot it's still it's still fun but i'm just dropping down on this crawling thing and it's like at this point i'm on the verge of tears it hears me laughing it tries to turn its head and spit on me which it can't do and that made me actually start crying laughing i felt again like just is this a horror is this a horror story that's okay so that that's what i was talking about with like what does this add because it kills the horror i could see people making the case that this stuff is good for children's horror stories so you don't make it too scary but i feel like you just don't make it scary at all we just we had the same problem with it we had the same problem with the recording we did recently where it was like it's a horror pod it's like you're on a horror you're submitting a horror story right yeah like it's taking taking the wind out of this horror you can do do funny things like there's art, like there's ways of implementing comedy into horror, but I like because they both can be very intertwined with like absurd like how absurd things can be but yeah look at jordan peele stuff for example yeah jordan peele uh zach zach gregor i think his name is but like weapons barbarians all that stuff there's moments of having of releasing tension and like subverting those expectations of what you think is going to happen with something that's you know comical but it's just like at what point is this just like a thing it seems very odd like out of like i'm surprised that no sleep allows this as like something that's just so not even a horror story like it just feels like because you put skinwalker in it it makes it fine well honey they hit the indestructible pedophile quota it's got to be somewhere a message we do we don't put your pedophile i think it can be implied that skinny likes kids so right this way sir you can post your story to no sleep anytime you I fell off of it at this point and the creature quickly turned around and locked its teeth onto the toe of my left boot I like to wear steel toe boots throughout the property because even though they're heavy I know that in the scuffle being able to kick with a boot and not having to worry about breaking a toe is a nice little advantage this is what led me to realize that even though the creature didn't have super strength it did have a super bite force when it first latched onto my boot I wasn't worried and started trying to shake the thing off without much urgency I already knew it wasn't going to work but I didn't know what was going to happen to the man by this point because it didn't possess an asshole or other genitals that's the first thing he checked uh but I got a lot do you have you have a pussy dick or do you have a pussy dick or bow that's the first thing that's the first thing it checks and also a little scratch and sniff session here bold of him to say an asshole or other genitals it's like that's not what that is I just like I just like each time for the asshole the asshole first perfect excellent yeah he's he's the real creature out here everything else is great to say I pray for the creatures of the the poor animals camo's trying to save everyone yeah I can't camo is a camo is a white-tailed deer that's just like walking around the forest I have to save my brothers but I got a little worried when I noticed the end of my boot changing shape as the steel in the end started to bend I then said out loud if you don't stop right now I'm gonna stab your head you little shit it pauses if debating on the decision and then slowly started biting down again while his eyes looked up at me as if to try and call my buff I wasn't bluffing few seconds later the thing is frantically clawing its way back into the forest with my favorite bear grill survival all right okay did you see they've added the trademark this time yeah it's cute that's funny that's funny that's funny that's really funny I like that yeah yeah you do still in the back of its stupid head nobody likes a thief got back home fine but I had to replace my favorite knife and get a new pair of boots so it was a pretty shitty hike it was the next time I saw one so when I figured out their biggest fear and it's so stupid I just like gosh it's funny because like the bear grill survival knife like you buy those at Walmart right it's like a person who's never been outside before idea of a perfect survival knife right just everything he's saying is like I feel like part nine's gonna be like none of this matters I'm in my parents house forever maybe one day only the bear girls the bear girls joke where you keep talking about it where it's like oh I get it I get what it's you know it's funny because it's a very specific kind of blade that's what makes it funny you know and it's so not serious I get it but if he legitimately slices his uh wrist uh vertically at the end I will uh with that bear girl's knife that is the only saving grace if he if he sits in the woods he slices his wrist and he's just like now I go into the long night since I missed my sweet tree spirit right there's the tree oh dude the tree bear trap the tree spirit rejects him and then he kills himself that that's the only hilarious ending yeah hilarious and that would I it would be a goaded story if that was the case I uh I I'm more so just pointing out that the bear girl's knife is a Walmart knife it's similar similar to the whole like oh I uh after 30 seconds I lost him I need to work out more it's like he can't help but expose himself as in the woods in his life yeah yeah yeah I don't know I he is it's it's the character that we are painting is re is re-informed every other paragraph for sure and I mean the Walmart yeah knife is definitely even at even adding to that yeah yeah I was down in my creek playing with a new toy I'd gotten in town earlier that week it was this net that was designed to catch little minnows and shit and it was a blast I don't really have any use for minnows or whatever other little fish I was catching because I can't go to the only property that had big fish in it since I made that deal with a crocodile man so I was just catching them and letting them go I'm suddenly greeted by the somewhat familiar sound of a grown man sliding across the ground on their belly it had been almost two months since the last incident I had with the pale but I immediately recognized the sound this was the dude that stole my knife and I really valued that bear grill survival knife that can be purchased at your local Walmart okay it really is a good product unfortunately the pale that emerged this time wasn't the same one it had a different face and was more of a light pink than original white that was on the first pale it was still the same type of creature though this time things went down different as it tore into the clearing that I was in about 30 feet from me it froze with its eyes wide as it had torn through the brush I was already facing its direction holding the net spread out to my side the same way a bullfighter holds a red cape since I was preparing to throw the net into the creek the pale's eyes were switching between looking at the net and looking at me so I looked at the net and back to him then it clicked no way I giggled to myself as I started to catch on to what's happening I took advantage of my suspicion and started running and flailing the net around at the pale and it freaked out it actually rolled over trying to turn so fast as it spun around and took off into the woods I then started wheeze laughing as it fell to the ground with tears running down my face this thing can bite through steel but is terrified of a nylon net I know that might not be funny to some because I have a fuck you fuck you dude I know that might not be funny to some because I have a twisted sense of humor but it made my week long story short oh gosh my god dude long story short oh it's been a minute it's been a fucking minute holy shit oh gosh long story short I kept that little net in my hiking bag every time I go out now every pale I've come across is utterly mind screwed at the side of it good times man wish all the things around here were that easy to deal with on another note I got an email from an organization asking me about the keylet that the lady in the tree claimed that I killed in the last post they wanted to know if I had disposed the body and if they could come and retrieve the remains from the woods if I just left it then they said something that caught me off guard when I said something about having to check with the program that put me out here they responded with we are the parent organization of that program and proceeded to give me my own address and well as well as details about my former life only the program should have known about in all seriousness I have a dark past and haven't I so he's either going to be a soldier or he's going to be it could also be a soldier but he's going to be like some like agent x super soldier program he's been put out here to tame the woods or something like that in all seriousness I have a dark past and haven't always been a great man but I'm done with that shit and it pissed me off that they would even bring it up I always bonded with the simple fine but don't bring that shit up again and block the email uh no one's shown up yet but I guess we'll see what happens on a good note I haven't seen skinny in a couple weeks so that's nice see y'all next time and feel free to please leave your questions in the comments and if you have any ideas what these spells actually are or what a kill it is please tell me if any of you are good with research stuff I'd appreciate it talk to y'all again soon end of part three part four part four well I'm back guys we'll come to pop for this documentary catalog um diary I honestly don't know what this is anymore because I thought it was going to use this platform to tell stories of stuff that's happened to me in the past on this property but now I'm being forced to bring this journal to the present you see those people from that organization did come to see about the keylet and now there's a guy named mark living in my house and sleeping on my couch well not really sleeping more of unconscious but we'll get to that part later after a few days of this organization that wouldn't tell you name not showing up I figured it was all just a troll who managed to figure out my email account and hack into my personal info but alas on the third day he rose no not really but four guys did it up knocking on my front door they were all dressed pretty normally except for the matching gray combat boots that told me that they these were and uh i know he's being sarcastic here but it just blends with everything he says about himself the combat boots that told me these were men of action which also means they are going to try their hardest to push me around and play badass my suspicions were just like these these tall like military dudes walking into like this troll's house it's like okay but you guys aren't gonna push me around let's get that good luck buddy yeah good luck dealing with this two ton of steel right here my suspicions were confirmed when the guy in the lead identified himself as mark and immediately asked me where i claimed to have actually killed a key lot what a quick look i still don't know what the a keylock is and i don't claim to have killed one the lady of the tree said i killed one i assume she's talking about the hairless coyote i killed down near the creek at the mention of the lady in the tree that they all looked at each other as an expression of this dude is a waste of time feeling was mutual i like the idea i like the idea that they all like converse with each other they're like this guy is clearly mentally this is okay so this is actually just a police wellness call that his parents called in to his like suburban apartment and the police come to the door like hey your family's just checking up making sure you're okay then he goes back to his computer he's like the guys in boots came to ask about the lady and the tweet instead of a keylet they're asking what the smell is and if they need to get like the apartment heads involved i was getting a little impatient if you guys are done being superior to me i could take you to where i killed the coyote i'm the one behind mark his name i don't remember so sure let's get this over with 30 minutes later we're staying in front of where i killed the thing that i now know wasn't a coyote look i know i may not have clarified it yet but i killed this thing well over a year ago maybe two years ago the only reason that the organization knew that i had killed it was because of the post i made earlier this week a lot of decomposing and feeding can happen to a body in the woods over that long of time on top of that i hadn't been to the woods for a long time so i'm not sure what to do about it that i hadn't been to this part of the property in a very long time because there aren't any trails or interesting locations here but i was taken back when i saw what had happened to this body over the course of the two years that have been out here absolutely nothing this is the story gets so much better if you imagine all this is his delusion and he's showing like the apartment security where he shot a raccoon yeah it's his dead house cat yeah this is where i shot the key light out here in the woods it's just like a dead cat that he it's just like a dead cat that he it's just like a dead cat that he accidentally sat on accidentally sat on accidentally sat on the living room yeah this giant bug that the living room yeah this giant bug that the living room yeah this giant bug that squatted i think i think the organization's starting to i think i think the organization's starting to i think i think the organization's starting to catch on to what i'm doing out here catch on to what i'm doing out here catch on to what i'm doing out here the body looked like i had shot it the body looked like i had shot it the body looked like i had shot it yesterday only evidence that it was yesterday only evidence that it was yesterday only evidence that it was older was the fact that all the blood older was the fact that all the blood older was the fact that all the blood had all seeped out of the head wound and had all seeped out of the head wound and had all seeped out of the head wound and long since dried up but the skin and long since dried up but the skin and long since dried up but the skin and face and the fur on its paws were face and the fur on its paws were face and the fur on its paws were completely preserved it only had fur on completely preserved it only had fur on completely preserved it only had fur on its paws which was odd when we got to the body the snickering crew of four went dead silent you said this was killed around two years ago didn't you yeah but i haven't been down here since why is this thing still preserved like that what the hell is happening one of the guys who hadn't said a word up until this point chimed in keylets are so unnatural and dark that nothing occurs in nature will have anything to do with an unauthentic one this includes bacteria fungi and scavenger animals then he muttered something about a level 107 beast mark looked at me with a serious face and said so if this keylet story is true does that mean that all the shit you said in those posts about the place were true for i could answer with a what do you think asshole a low raspy laughter started to surround us and began to closing in it was coming from all directions we looked out from the body to see at least 50 hooded figures surrounding us laughing menacingly all four of the military men pulled their concealed pistols and took aim but before they could find a shot i called out over the laughing hector i told you next time you and your little chosen crew sneak up on me i'm kicking your asses again this is that i'm legitimately i might i might i might dislike this might be the worst thing we've ever read i'm i'm telling you right now you know what though actually that's that's not fair i just it's not true it's not true it's so reddit chungus though it hurts yeah it's not true but i just i'm being i'm being i'm being a grumpy gill can a man be a grumpy gill this doesn't touch happy happy to be clear so everyone paused the chosen the four organization men and the pale that had just crested a hill 30 yards behind one of the cult members a few seconds later one of the hooded figures took off his hood to reveal a chubby jolly looking face with it's bold of you to say jolly looking face with rosy cheeks and wire rimmed prescription glasses oh man we didn't know they were with you cole we thought they were trespassers we're sorry hector said with the downcast gaze why'd you even need them to begin with hector hesitated for a moment and said our god was a real sacrifice and those white crawly humanoid thingies just aren't doing it for him anymore this moment the pale that i could see frozen on top of the hill turn and bolted back into the woods hector then proceeded to call the other hooded figures there was cole we can't have them there's a collective size all the chosen looked at the ground and walked away into the woods i didn't notice until they were all gone that the four organization men had to lord their weapons the entire time you pussies ready to head back to the house it gets dark in 45 minutes and if those guys got you on edge then you don't want to let then you won't last long at night mark shot me a look that explained in detail how much he hated me without the need for words while his three part put on thick rubber gloves and put the keel on into a sort of body bag just imagining the house cat in the apartment yeah he was he was just they put the keel in the bag the uh people on the hill were actually just like little white lego people from like a set of legos he had on his dresser that's his family calling him to ask if he's okay like we sent the police over there we haven't heard from you in a while and they're like yeah yeah that's hector that part of the chosen you can't get away with that as we're walking back towards my house with the three stooges carrying the corpse of the dog demon mark starts questioning me what was that group back there some cult i guess they told me they worship they worship cunt hulu or something oh no that's funny he seems kind of taken aback for a second and then asked why do they seem weary of you but not flinch when we had our guns trained on them simple they don't fear death but they do quack when exposed to severe pain for long enough i mean it really writes itself look at the guy thinking he's some operator dude when i when i put them to pain for long enough i'm kind of like mark walbrook in that movie don't survive again mark seems surprised by my answer which also this guy's name is mark so this might actually be mark walberg that he's with he started to strike me as simple-minded so how did you inflict pain to them okay can you please for to just keep me going can you please give him a mark walberg voice what does mark walk so how did you inflict so how did you inflict this pain on them perfect i don't want to answer any more of these questions i really didn't this was the kind of shit that i don't like to dwell on that was a different life and i don't like when it seems back into the present. Sure, it's nice to have the local murder cult leave you alone, but I used methods that I regret to get that luxury. The last thing Mark said to me on our hike back to the house was, Look, dude, my mind is telling me you're batshit crazy, but my instincts are telling me that you're a threat. Which one are you? Hey, so me and my friends are going to go beat up this Chinese guy. Hey, you look like a threat. Do you want to go blind to Vietnamese guy real quick? Vietnamese, that was it. And then not apologize about it. For years. But then say that I apologize to God for boogie nights. That's all that matters. Also, if I was on the plane on 9-11, it would have gone completely differently. I'm just saying it would have ended with a lot of blood. What did he say? A lot of blood and me telling everyone we're going to be all right. I hate you, Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, that's real for those that don't know. He said he could have stopped 9-11. I looked him dead in the eyes and mumbled, That's up to you. Let me tell you, the look on his face was priceless. I love mind games. I fucking, I hate this filthy fucking asshole so much. God damn, I hate him. I hate him so much. Yeah. Yep. Yep. A few minutes later, we reached the house and all four of the goons walked up to the big black van they had arrived in. They started loading up the body and as I reached my door knob to go inside, I hear Mark start raising his voice while talking on his phone. What? This guy isn't even the right head. i know this is stuff here but why with look let me get a team down okay yes he does have experience but wait what did you just say dude i'm telling you okay i'm i'm back in because the idea of mark walberg like doing that on the phone like full operator gear and just like the fattest dude ever and he's like this guy's got a spirit go ahead call your boss i love playing mind games and tell them who sent you he then stares at me with a mixture of confusion and disbelief they told him where i came from i could tell by the way he looked at me he hung up the phone without any more arguing and began to walk over to me as he reaches me he says my hopes have told me that i need to stay with you for a while and keep an eye on activity around here responded with you can't be serious wish i wasn't imagine like a foot of height difference between they're like so close to each other mark's looking straight down he said back and added they also wanted me to remind you that you didn't pay for this house or this property either that i opened my door with my best butler impression and gestured for him to enter my home as he walked through the door and dropped what i assumed to be his emergency book out back on the floor he froze can i just say one thing real quick screw skinny i didn't hear how heavily he was breathing at first because the van was making noise as it was driving away but as those sounds faded i realized that mark was breathing like he had just sprinted a marathon his eyes were trained on the window with his body completely rigid with his hand on his hip ready to draw his gun i followed his gaze to the window where i confronted skinny many times before and sure enough there he was only this time he wasn't someone i recognized this time he was a fairly attractive tall and athletically blonde woman she was smiling and holding a heart-shaped balloon upon closer inspection i could see the balloon red it's a girl i rushed in front of mark to try and snap him out of whatever trance he was in but i soon realized tears were welling up in his eyes by the time i got to the door i saw him in the mirror and i saw him in the mirror by this i gathered that this woman was no longer with us and the girl most likely wasn't either screw you skinny i calmly started explaining that what skinny was to mark but soon after i started he stopped me i read the stories cole i know that you've talked about this thing before but i'm trying to handle these kinds of things so don't worry about me because i'm gonna fucking kill it that's an excellent mark walpert by the way that kill it with that he made no what no ma'am no with that he made a mad dash to the back door in an effort to get outside and confront skinny i managed to block him and push him to the ground saying that he won't come inside so just keep your shit together and we live mark wasn't in a listening mood though he jumped back to his feet straight into a fighting stance oh great after a few seconds he threw a fast left hook straight for my face but he wasn't fast enough i ducked under the swing and connected my elbow to the underside of his chin he went out like a light oh god fuck you dude you fat piece of shit i fucking hate this punch ever he went out like the light about the time the scuffle was over skinny was gone i put mark on the couch now i'm typing this thinking about how going through his computer thinking about going through his computer before he wakes up anyways that's it for today please if anyone knows what a key light is let me know what did i kill and why did mark mean by he was trained to deal with this kind of stuff what is he um wow all right part five what no dude did you do you see the sentence what what is he a monster hunter or something i know i didn't wow oh yeah wow it's it's it's a collection of everything we hate rolled into one it's it's what the story is over the hillside and i see it cresting there's something that happened something in the basement like it wow that one that was like paying respect to your grandparents i like that one oh so monster hunter huh i'll try to get some answers before my next post see y'all soon this story was cosmically this story was it's eight years ago it was put back in time as a landmine for us now i think i think this is a penance that from the signs i'm seeing and the callbacks to previous stories we're supposed to serve this is our destiny hunter to read this um honestly i am having a good time imagining walk mark walberg with the guy who like waddles everywhere he goes like but the but that guy is like one punch chaos and stuff like that i'm having fun now you're not having fun but that's okay you don't have to no i uh i know well guess what it's not about you it's about me now well that's fine as long because you know what usually if you're having a good time i know the viewers are having a good time i just am i like your your canary in the coal mine for that i mean it has to be i have to basically just be like well if isaiah says it's okay and he's having a good time then it's i want to abandon ship i want i yeah well it's just at a point now we're like i mean obviously it's been ridiculous the whole way through but with details like mark walberg and um just him like him being so unfit for everything but also revered as like a massive hero it's perfect yeah this deal this deal of writing the character is such a badass is is such a weird concept to me of like because obviously writing your character is like a perfect hero with the dark past is so strange yeah they uh it's obvious that yeah he was like a badass military guy before yeah or whatever and he respects the troops let's remember that well absolutely oh absolutely 100 yeah which is why he's coming for you hunter because you have said twice now that you will do stolen i will do stolen valor that's three times three times part five i usually try to do some kind of intro to these posts but today i'm too excited to take the time to do that he's also spelled excited wrong every time he said the word excited if you haven't read my previous post you should though they're quite a bit more action-packed to explain all the events do you all remember last post when i joked about mark being some kind of monster hunter or something well i went through his computer and i'll be damned if he isn't he's got files on files and even more files about all these different tangibles which i think just means monsters i haven't managed to find a file on the key lot no wonder they didn't believe i had killed one apparently kill it is a creature in native american mythology that's described as a furless dog-like thing it does have fur on its paws though which supposedly makes it impossible to hear or track in the wild pretty tame so far right don't worry it gets better apparently looking at them is supposed to immediately fry your brain and disorient you making you an easy kill for the creature but that didn't happen to me the only reason i could think of for the mind cooker effect not happening to me is because i don't process i don't process things the same anymore not after the events that led me to live out here or maybe it wasn't even a key lot there were a few more details i didn't think of for the mind cooker effect not happening at all so i had to make up my mind for the reason that i wanted to make up my mind for the reason that i wanted to make up my mind for the reason a dodgy history but close quarter fighting is my specialty but all i can remember is going to hit you then i went dark careful not to move and slit my own throat i said you got desperate and i went for one hit knockout frankly your left hook is too slow for to hit your opponent when you clearly telegraphed exactly what you were planning on doing with your hips i dropped under the blow and threw my elbow to the bottom of your jaw he's doing like dragon ball instant transmission like appearing around him then i've loosened a little you seem to know your stuff why pretend to be a dumbass then um excuse me first of all i'm not pretending to be anything second of all fuck you so on excuse or excite he never puts the c before the x yes so it's just excuse me x excuse me excuse me excuse me also i will say that this story is nine times funnier when not only is it like this morbidly overweight guy but mark walberg is legitimately impressed like he truly believes this guy's a super soldier yo you're pretty impressive the knife you want to be in the sequel to mile 22 the knife fell away completely now i took the opportunity to turn and start asking my own questions so you actually are a fucking monster hunter then huh the dude monster hunter huh the words monster it does it does feel like this is this it feels almost too like it's like a monster hunter it's like a monster hunter it's like a monster hunter this feels like a a punishment for something right like because starting this podcast i think yeah that would do it uh monster hunter huh we had a bear trap a literal bear trap come up we had what was the other thing we said earlier that was a reference long story short long story short like they're just these are our demons come back to haunt us and then our character is basically david king and then we have a monster hunter and then we have a monster hunter and then we have a man that's like that's what i keep thinking of yeah yeah this is this is pretty much david king at this point stolen valor got that got that coming up like man you know how like every and all the kids shows and all the animated shows there was an episode where someone attacked them at their base like kids next door teen titans this is this is that episode for us they found us they're in our home now he paused to a moment before replying yeah i guess i am so why is an organization that employs monster hunters also the owner of the organization that is helping me escape my past i love the guy who types this dialogue and is like yeah he's like hot freaking five baby this is awesome why is the organization that employs monster hunters the owner that's helping me escape my past i wonder if it calls a monster nailed it nailed it mark wince this time not a good sign called the organization is claiming to help you escape your past probably doesn't exist my organization has many false companies that's used to gather intelligence and run experiments i have reasons to believe that they put you here knowing your past is an effort to see if anyone could survive in an area that is known for having extremely high levels of tangible activity they also knew that if you were to die they wouldn't have to worry about people looking for you however i also think that you probably far surpassed their expectations the high ups haven't actually told me so but they can't possibly expect anyone to kill a key lord on their own or have fun with a creature like a flesh gate okay i know flesh gates are creatures that exist in other stories i get all that but i don't think we've ever heard a flesh gate mentioned in passing in another story besides the flesh gate story right i don't think so man there it is there's another one oh my gosh you know either so i was laughing midway through that because yeah morbidly obese guy still sticking with that or or our protagonist is the guy from lee cronin's the mummy yeah there you go and he's doing that mouth open thing the whole time holy shit that was a lot to take in i took a deep breath and cautiously asked what the fuck is a flush gate mark put both of his hands on his head and let out uh ah seriously dude does anything even phase you flesh gates are those things you call pales they are only for they're only level four but still so much more people but so much for most people to handle let alone fuck with on a regular basis like that let alone fuck with on a regular basis like you claim to do the story is literally mark walberg telling the protagonist how cool he is yeah there goes that level thing again but i had seen levels ranging from twos and threes all the way up into the hundreds on the reports that i read while browsing mark's computer but i had no clue what they meant what the hell is this level shit about all the monsters in your computer have one but i don't have one but i don't know what they mean i wonder if it's i wonder if it's a level of severity of danger dumbass like what do you what it's not that hard to understand it's very clearly going to be like an scp kind of thing like instead of anomalies they're visibles or whatever he said yeah um yeah it's going to be an scp thing and then uh mark walberg's going to explain it to us mark shot me an angry look guess he was still mad that i had gone through his shit we base it be strength of how many unnamed adult men we could predict it could take down before being overwhelmed one man equals level one man is equal to one level it's so stupid all right we've calculated that it's 107 men it could kill 107 men to take one down bro it's we're like oh it's going to be a leveling system like danger and stuff it was far stupider than we could have yeah that was uh i cannot believe it's a level based off how many single men it would take to take down the creature i mean how what kind of fucking metric system that's the dumbest metric system that's like that might be one of the dumbest things that's ever been like written on the spot yeah yeah well after the like the organization that employs me as a monster hunter is changing your past or whatever i feel like that's that's pretty rough too isolated a lot that's happening right now uh it's funny when the story started we were like oh well here's that why this is a problem here's why this was a problem but now the whole thing is just i just i'm giving up i just want to get just fucking get me out of this hell don't worry we're only halfway just then remembered that the level besides tequila was 107 so hold up you tell me that tequila i i killed was rated at before i could finish he interrupted me 107 no way i knew about the mind-baking stuff but that thing was no larger than a golden retriever no way in hell it could kill 107 people yeah people predict that a dog that dog thing could kill 107 people no dumbass they predict it could kill 106 then lose at 107th i had trouble believing him look mark i read about the i read about how they cook your brain when you look at them but i started the thing in the i started the thing in the eyes that had no effect on me why this puzzled him i really don't know and that's why i didn't believe it when i was when i first heard that some dude claimed that he had that he had shot keel it they had shot a keel it to death on reddit what really confused me is why the higher-ups decided it was worth getting a team to go investigate now i know they're fully aware of the caliber of shit that happens here speaking of caliber can i see the gun that you used it on the keel it here we go we're going to talk about the 45 again just just wait uh it's also funnier if you imagine this is again his hysteria around his police interrogation i was like wow you're do you seem to know what you're doing as he's like mock wall book thinks i'm pretty cool damn it i knew this was going to happen as soon as i mentioned the gun in my post the organization had a no gun rule for me which is why it was a pretty big deal that the lady in the tree had helped me get my hands on one but now they knew and they weren't going to let me keep it fuck off dude i'm keeping the gun whether your bosses want me to or not to my surprise mark looked genuinely confused by my sudden response i want to take if i don't want to take your fucking gun i just want to take your fucking gun want to see it a normal pistol no a pistol shouldn't be able to kill a keel it with one shot no matter how perfect the aim is i need to see what makes this gun different and bring the bullets too they are what i'm really interested in you really didn't know about the rule i had been given about no guns weird i reluctantly went into my room and retrieved my trusty 45 caliber thunder stick and the only box of ammo i had left i started off with two large boxes of bullets but over time my supply was whittled down to just half a box as soon as i dropped the weapon the ammo onto the coffee table mark immediately started inspecting one of my bullets knew it do you even know what these are cole without looking up from the bullet mark began to explain these are gnat rounds especially designed to deal with unholy creatures of chaos they're created when the metals used to make the bullets are blessed by native american shamans and medicine men you can tell what they are by the slight warmth they give off with the small vibrations you can feel when you squeeze them between your fingers however these are the most active rounds i've ever come in contact with they're they're much warmer and vibrate much more than rounds that i'm that i'm issued if that lady in the tree gave you these she's likely more powerful than you realize mark looked up maybe expecting some type of odd this revelation well that's neat i responded somewhat dumbfounded i guess it was cool to have enchanted bullets and all but it didn't change much in the grand scheme of things kind of like how your car speedometer goes up to 120 miles per hour most people will never drive that fast but it's cool to know that when the time comes you might be able to then again i guess the magic bullets came in handy when i shot the keylet as well as a few other things so maybe i should be more grateful before mark scolded me again for my lack of reaction to his astounding observations we were interrupted by a knocking on the door we looked over to see one of the three guys mark had been working with when he first arrived through the window in my door we could see him frantically beating on the wood and looking over his shoulder is that an indian accent i'm just switching it up i don't know i think that's perfect i think that's excellent i think that you've got a divine inspiration there and you should leave that mark started to jump up and caught himself cole this thing is good it almost got me a second time shit it almost got me with the fucking help with a technique as well he started to smile at least mark wasn't complete dumbass i watched skinny as he began that stupid grin he always did when he got figured out and he darted off not much has happened over the past few days and i'm starting to get used to my new roommate i'll still keep y'all posted though something wild is bound to happen sooner or later especially with all the patrols mark keeps making us go on cole signing off for now part six man just so it still has to this still has to either end in suicide or i would also settle for a gay sex scene would also settle for mark and cole having gay sex cole are you sure we should be doing this i don't see why that's bog are you sure we should be doing this i like the idea suck my dick mark walberg and eat my ass do you have a butthole or any other genitalia yeah cole goes down i see you have an asshole and cocking balls yeah that's pretty much what i got cole i mean how perfect we do the lone survivor thing and then the super operator's name is mark uh maybe this story isn't a curse but a gift a deliverance oh all right part six well last post i said something wild was bound to happen sooner or later i wasn't disappointed mark has been living here for about a week now and he finally got what he was looking for action it wasn't really in his favor though i mentioned the patrols he keeps taking me on last post but i didn't really go into detail he calls them patrols but it's honestly more of a scavenger hunt he even gets me a damn list like a little kid or something on the list were specific signs of a drug addict and a drug addict and a drug addict and objects that are indicative of tangible activity tangible's fancy talk for monsters i asked him what an intangible was as a joke and he nonchalantly said ghost and other that you can't touch after i realized you were serious i popped the question why that just ain't bosses and ghosted he thought for a moment because the people who named the stuff are nerds i'm off on a tangent again back to the scavenger hunt the list he gave me had a lot of stuff on it and as i was walking through the woods for the second time that day one thing on the list kept catching my eye stairs brother oh my god is it actually gonna do stairs in the woods it is it is this was right after they were big this is a couple years after they were big dude i'm getting who's who'd right now by all of the like references flying at me oh why would stairs even be on the list that's not paranormal at all also if there had been stairs in these woods i would have already found them that's not something you miss i mean i thought this whole search around for stuff idea was stupid from the beginning anyways i never searched for the hell spot on this property it always found me all by itself the only reason i even participated in mark's patrols were to humor him so he wouldn't be as crabby and because i like to get outside anyways even so stairs i was looking at the list eyeing down the word stairs for the millionth time when it suddenly got dark confused i looked up to see that it hasn't actually gotten dark i was just in a shadow a shadow that was being cast by a tall skinny wooden wall i had been to this exact spot a few days earlier there had been no such object the wall was about five feet wide and 10 feet tall and i somehow almost walked directly into it without realizing i began to walk around it and quickly realized it wasn't a wall yep you probably already guessed but it was the back of a flight of four and it was like i had summoned them after thinking about them too much i immediately called mark on the radio he had given me for situations like this and yelled dude i actually found stairs like real freaking stairs out here i hadn't been this exited about something for a long time why does he always spell it wrong intentional he's in front of the x and i had no idea why i was exited now i think it had something to do with me thinking the stairs were such a stupid thing to look for only to end up finding some when i never expected to either way i barely heard mark respond with okay just stay put for a minute i'll be there soon and please stop screaming you're scaring away all the things out here he said something else but i wasn't listening i was far too engrossed in these stairs i had to go up them it wasn't like they were calling to me or anything it was more of the fact i was pretty sure i would be able to see my house from the top so is mark still saying unintelligible commands on the radio i began to ascend as i walked up the stairs the woods around me started to quiet down which is weird in retrospect but i really didn't pay any attention to that another thing i noticed there wasn't any leaves or dirt or anything on the steps anyone who has experience in the woods knows that it only takes a few hours for mother nature to spread her shit all over any given object that is left in her care the real anomaly happened when i hit the top step though see the second my heel hit the top step i heard mark let out a what in the son of a froze i started weighed by options if i let whatever was out there kill mark i wouldn't have to deal with him anymore i also told myself i wasn't going to kill people anymore does it really count as killing him if i just let him die though they'd probably just replace him anyways guess i'll go help with that thought i went to go get help him i'm not going to kill him he's going to kill me he's going to kill me i like how it's like there was like a little camaraderie between them now it's like i guess i shouldn't let him die yeah like i'm just such a cold-blooded killer it doesn't really mean anything to me my heart's far too scarred to feel love again honestly expected there to be a pale clamped onto his foot or for him to have fallen into one of camo's traps but alas all i found was mark without shoes on just socks clenching the toes of each of his feet in his hands for i could ask him what was going on he stuttered you you went on the damn stairs didn't you yes and why does that matter i'm telling you if looks could castrate bad happens when you go up the stairs you i told you over the radio not to go up him ah must have missed that pod what happened to you anyways it's uh it's egregious how much that's just like line for line taken from the search and rescue story yep like that's that's literally the same plot elements from that story and this part's kind of nasty mark let go of the end of one of his socks to reveal that the toe area was covered in blood he then removes the sock and i you not all of his toenails were gone damn how'd you manage that are you daft cole you did this when you went up the stairs yeah sounds stupid i know but i kind of believed him because i know for a fact that those stairs weren't going to make it i don't know i don't know why but i don't know they weren't normal I'm certain of this because when I went back to where they were to show Mark who was limping something awful they weren't there anymore just disappeared Mark wasn't surprised by this either and in case you were wondering I could not see my house from the top which was a bummer that's about it for the stairs but something else did happen yesterday the after the stair incident actually meant a brand new monster at least new to me anyway I think Mark knew what it was but he had some spooks though as you may have already gathered it happened on one of Mark's patrols he was actually adjusting to life without toenails pretty good I'll give him that the night before he took a large amount of bandages and some rubbing alcohol from my bathroom guess he did a good job on him because he was walking pretty close to normal now I did hear a lot of groaning and heavy breathing that night in my living room, though. I hope it was him patching himself up and not him having fun on his laptop, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, I'm finally jacking off. Anyways, we were walking through an area of the woods that stays somewhat dark during the day due to the dense tree cover blocking out most of the sun. Other than the lack of light, everything seemed pretty docile. That was until Mark started complaining about a noise. Cole, do you hear that, um, I think it's static or something. What? No, I don't hear that. Mark put a hand on my chest, stopping me mid-sentence. I look over to him to see what's up, and he is staring at me with extremely wide eyes. We need to get to the house now. I'd never seen him get this flustered, so I knew things were serious. I nodded, and we both turned to run to the house, but the tall man was already blocking the way. Hold on, tall man's, I mean, obviously slender man, but wasn't the one story about turn it off, wasn't that creature called the tall man? Yeah, I think there was definitely something that had, like, the tall man. To be fair, though, that's a pretty common thing, so I don't know if they're referencing something specific or not. Yeah. Now, when I say tall man, I mean really tall man. I'm also fairly certain he wasn't a man. Tall man just makes a good name. He was between 10 and 12 feet tall and was wearing clothes made out of what looked like dirty brown and tan rags stitched together. These rags covered his whole body, including his hands, feet, and face. He was also thin, but something deep in my gut told me that he held some kind of unnatural strength. As his image sank into my brain, I heard Mark whisper. Holy shit, it's really one of them. There was complete silence for a while, not actually sure how long. The only thing that I could hear was a slight static buzzing sound. No one moved in the silence. Not Mark, not me, not the pale that was about to bite into Mark's leg while he was distracted. Holy shit, Mark, look out, pale on your right! With surprising speed, Mark pulled out his Glock and put two shots in the pale's head. He didn't move after that, but the tall man did. A sudden scuffle seemed to set the tall bastard off into a rage, and the once subtle static sound grew into a roar. Oh, there's a static sound? It's Slender Man. When Slender gets near, there's, like, static, remember? Hmm. So this is literally, we have now added Slender Man to the compendium. Wouldn't he be in a suit, though? Or do you think the author's like, well, if I put him in a suit, it's too obvious? The author's like, he's going to remove one detail, and instead of a suit, he put him in stitches. Yeah, yeah. But he still has the static, and he's still tall, and I'm sure in a second it's going to say he doesn't have a face or something. It was like no sound I ever heard before, but maybe something like the sound of metal being ground up by other metal. However, the sound was the least of our worries. It started sprinting at us. It was originally about 30 yards away, but it seemed to cover the distance in the blink of an eye. He was on us before we could react. He went for Mark first. Reach out for him. With one of those long, skinny arms, his fingers seemed to stretch out just so that they could reach all the way around Mark's torso. As Mark was lifted off the ground, kicking and yelling, he emptied the rest of his clip into the tall man's head and did nothing. That's about the time when the big black tentacles ruptured out from the creature's back. Six new weapons now ripping holes in the rags. This thing must be terrible at making its own cloths. Like, how hard would it be just to make tentacle holes? So you don't end up ripping your shirts. Anyhow, I really didn't want this big fellow ripping up Mark, so I had to figure something out. Before it managed to obliterate old Marky, I drew my gun and emptied my own clip into various parts of the monster in an effort to find a weak spot. No luck. In fact, the bullets bounced off him. One of them whizzed right past my ear. It was like under those rags, he was made of steel. But I'm no quitter. I now had his attention. I'm pretty sure Mark was going unconscious at this point because he couldn't breathe due to the thing's death grip. I drew my brand new Bear Grylls survival knife, which with all my strength at its leg, but I didn't stab it. Bullets couldn't get through this thing's skin. My knife didn't have a chance, but I had a plan. I got behind it, only to get snatched into the air by one of its tentacles. I was immediately faced to rags with this thing. Its tentacle was wrapped tightly around my stomach. It now had Mark and I both exactly where it wanted. I swear I could hear a deep, demonic laughter within the still-roaring static that filled my brain, but I stopped laughing when I started. I began scream laughing. Not really sure why. Sometimes I think I might actually be insane. Sometimes I think I might be insane. The tall man cocked his head to the side as if saying, You do know you lost, right? The only thing I was able to say before the last of my air was squeezed out of me was, I really hope this fucking works. And with that, I took the knife that was still in my hand and sliced into the tentacle as hard as I could. My hope was that since the tentacle can move so fluidly, the skin would have to be softer and weaker. Otherwise, it would be stiff and not flexible. And oh, how right that theory was. I was met with a spray of hot black liquid and the static sound morphing into the sound of nails on a chalkboard. I fell seven or eight feet to the ground, and it created a small crater in the earth. The crater landed seven or eight feet to the ground and landed flat on my back. That shit hurt, but adrenaline's a hell of a chemical, so I was back on my feet almost immediately. Two things I noticed off the bat. It was still holding a now unconscious mark, and my attack hadn't quite managed to slice through the entire tentacle, but it was close. The thing seemed to be deciding on whether to retreat or try to kill me again. I took advantage of this slight hesitation and leapt at the now limp tentacle. I grabbed it and yanked with all the force I could muster. Now it completely severed itself from the beast. Suddenly, all the sounds in my head stopped. And I heard Mark hit the ground to my right. I look up, only to see the tall man's covered head aimed at its now disconnected appendage. Then at me. Then at the woods behind him. Then at me. Then at his tentacle. Something tells me he's never been injured before. After he finished looking at stuff, he bolted backwards just as fast as he had approached us before. Yes, he sprinted off backwards. What is with monsters and running backwards? Seems silly to me and dangerous. Anyways, I ended up having to retreat. I ended up having to carry old Mark over my shoulder back to the house, and he could stand to lose a few pounds. He woke up a few hours later and. That coming from Cole is great. Yeah, no shit. He could lose a few pounds. He woke up a few hours later and interrogated me on how I managed to scare the thing off after he passed out. I told him I just ripped off my clothes and started running at the thing until it ran off. Mark said he won't let me see the thing's file until I tell him what really happened, but I wanted to sell the naked story. Maybe I'll tell him what really happened. Maybe I'll tell him what really happened later and let you know what the real name of the creature is. Or maybe I'll try to convince Mark that while he's a monster hunter, I'm a monster predator. There's our pedophile. There's our indestructible pedophile. It's Cole the whole time. That's it for now, though, guys. I'll post again soon. In case you were wondering, I haven't seen Skinny in a few days. Still haven't heard from the lady in the tree in a while. Life goes on, right? Be sure to check out the other parts of the series. I'll have links below. Until next time, Cole signing off. Part 7. Part 7. The comments are so funny on these. So, in your past life, you killed someone? Also, you know what the thing is? I'll say this. Part 7 of 9 we're coming up on. I'll say this. As a person who is like eight years ago when towards maybe not necessarily the giant peak, but there was a lot of stuff like big stories still coming out around that time. An idea of a guy. Making a short story of like an SEP style thing of a guy living in the woods where all these popular creepypastas live as if they're real could have been interesting in the way that like. Like now I'm picturing the idea of a cabin in the woods movie where it's like an organization that is set up to perform a task. I think it's I think it's interesting. The merit is there, but I think just the way that it's approached is just it's too cheese and camp. And also it gets it gets us there too late. Like that just happened to humor. I don't also see the I don't know why you should hide the fact that it's like, oh, by the way, like I'm slowly going to reveal that these are all creepypastas that people have read. I don't you can just start with that. And the guys in like the character is like it's going to be a monster. I'm trying to figure out what story Cole is from because I feel like that's going to be the big like, oh, he's this character. I think is what we're leading to. Well, yeah, I imagine he's going to be a monster or something like that. Well, that's what I mean is. But I'm. I'm wondering what story it's from, you know, I feel like that's the reveal, but I can't tell. I don't think it's going to be a direct. I think the author is just trying to come up with stuff to put in his story. So he's like Slender Man and Stairs in the Woods. Sure. I don't think he'll be like, and this is Jeff. Our protagonist Cole is Jeff the killer. Cole the killer now, you know. All right. Part seven. So Mark got possessed. It was a new experience for me, honestly. Also, I think we're going to deal with skinny. Soon, he destroyed a van the other day that was carrying supplies out to us. I'll get to that later, though. I actually learned a lot from the spirit that possessed Mark before it left. And yes, it left. It didn't have. I didn't have to banish it or anything. Let me just tell the story before I end up spoiling something. The day after the tall man incident for part six, for more information, Mark started acting funny, but in a good way, in my opinion, he was much less commanding and hostile. Like he had no energy. This meant he didn't want to keep checking around the property for monster. constantly and I was like, able to do what I wanted again without him complaining. When I noticed the change in his behavior, I thought of two reasons that could be causing Mark to act this way. One, he was sick. Two, he was being a little scaredy prick after almost being killed by the tall man. Turns out I was wrong on both accounts. After two days of Mark being reserved and borderline unresponsive on my couch, I knew something was up. As much as I don't want to admit it, Mark's a badass in his own right. He isn't the kind of person to crumble after a traumatic event. He's a fighter. I was aware of his unnaturally aggressive fight over flight response when he first encountered Skinny and almost rushed to certain death just to show Skinny that he wasn't here to play games. On top of that, he didn't show any real signs of sickness. He was tired and slow to respond, yes, but he wasn't sensitive to light like a concussion. He wasn't hot or cold, no runny nose, no trouble breathing, etc. It was on the third day of this strange behavior yesterday when I confronted him and got an answer. So, um, Mark, any idea why you're so tired and lazy and shit? Just as I finished asking this, Mark shot up to a sitting position on the couch and whipped his head around to face me. In a voice much higher than his regular voice, he exclaimed, I thought you would never ask. I finally finished taking over this body a few hours ago and I was waiting for the right moment to reveal myself. You see, Mark is on vacation right now and I'm taking his place. Oh, nice. When will he be back? That voice coming from Mark Wahlberg's awesome. His wide smile quickly found itself upside down. You know what, Cole? This is why I really hate you. You are literally no fun whatsoever. Well, if you aren't Mark, then I don't know who you are. And you, then I don't know you. And how would you know that I'm not fun? Don't you know it's wrong to judge a book by its cover? Mark's, no. The replacement Mark's voice was starting to sound irritated. I was finally starting to catch on to what was happening at this point. Oh, I thought the TV was just the, holy shit, you're the one who put the holes in my socks? You piece of cock meat. You made me think I had sandpaper toe. At least that one worked. Anyways, you probably already knew being a ghost had its limits. It's extremely difficult to have any effect on the physical world. And we can affect living tissue in any kind. In any kind of direct way whatsoever. But now that I have a vessel, I can finally kill you. I just want you to know right now that, like, legitimately. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. No, it doesn't matter. No, it's all right. It's all right. No, go. No, it's all good. I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to continue until you say. I'll leave the show right now. You know, I'm totally fine. No, tell him. Tell me. Don't do that. Don't do like they're about to say something. No, no, it's nothing. I'm just going to complain. It's nothing. That's what I want. I want to hear you complain. I know you do it. I don't want to do it. Hearing you this upset right now is like, this is what's getting, this is what's keeping me alive through this. I just, I'm just going to be saying the same thing. It's just, it's, it's fucking terrible. I don't, I hate this stupid fucking shit. I'm driving. It's driving me insane. And I'm sure the viewer, I'm sure the listeners don't want to hear, but I'm like, I'm fucking hate this. Hey, as, as the voice of the listener, as you said earlier, we want to hear it. We were here that look, yeah, the story's awful. I get it. Maybe when I was 11, I would have thought it was like funny or kind of cool, but never scary. Obviously. Right. Um, I'm too old for this and it's exited and stuff like that. I get it. But, but the fact that I can hear you doing the Mickey mouse voice through Mark Wahlberg's body and at the back of it, I can hear. The insane level of contempt you have for this story. It it's doing something for me. So are there traumatic readings of this on YouTube? Oh, probably. Oh, there is. That's awesome. You can hear people with scary music in the back. I guess that's what this will be, but at least we break it up with commentary, but you can hear people do straight read throughs of this very dramatically. That's awesome. Well, shit that escalated quickly. As I process the new information. That I've just received fake Mark speaks up again. One thing I bet you didn't know is that a ghost, when I take over a body, I can't see all good, all host memories, but the body still retains any natural reflexes and skills that the host has required through his own hood through his or her lifetime. And this guy has some seriously bad ass skills. Fake Mark then sprang to his feet and did a roundhouse kick that shattered a nearby lamp to a million pieces, then turned to my wall, punched as hard as he could and pretty sure he expected to punch right through, but only ended up leaving some bloody knuckle prints. Yeah, there's a stud there. I said, as fake Mark doubled over holding his damaged hand. I don't realize that. Thank you. He wheezed out before standing back up with a standing back up straight again. Even so, this guy is plenty skilled enough to injure. Sorry, ass. Fake Mark. Shout out with a grin. You must've been out the first night he got here, but okay. He cocked his head a little after this comment that quickly brushed it off and lunged at me. So my prediction for this is he was, the writer was thinking of how cool Mark Wahlberg is. And, but of course, how much cooler his main character is, right? But they're friends, so he needed a way for them to fight. So he's like, oh, if a ghost possesses Mark, then they can fight. And I can show off how good of a fighter Cole is, I think. Yeah. I'll try to explain what happened next best I can, as he rushed me, he threw a right-handed jab at my head. I countered this with a punch. I countered this by hooking my arm over the inside of a shoulder with my left arm. As I ducked the punch and put my right arm between his legs so I could lift him off the ground. I did. I then did a fireman throw. This is a horror story by the way, I did fireman throw, which basically means that I tossed him into the air and subsequently slammed it back onto the ground by exploding back up to a standing position and releasing my hold on his leg while skill keeping a strong grip on his shoulder. This made Mark fly over my head. I wanted to explain how this happened so people don't accuse me of bullshitting and for the record, I don't think this could have worked on real Mark. I'm sure he would have seen it coming anyways, this should have knocked the breath out of him. So I wasn't ready when he punched the back of my knee and dead liked me. So perfectly. I went straight to my ass middle school. Me. Just taking notes on perfect execution of this move. Fake Mark ended up getting back to his feet before me, unfortunately, and jumped onto me, putting me flat on my back. Fake Mark then reeled his fist back for a final blow. As his fist flew towards my face, I managed to move my head to the side at the last second and his first connected with the hardwood floor at a respectable speed. He may have been able to recover from this quickly if it hadn't been the same hand that he had already smashed. As Fake Mark winced at the pain, I threw my leg in the air and proceeded to connect with his no-no square. It was more effective than the slam from earlier, that's for sure. I stood up slowly while Fake Mark tried to decide if he should use his remaining good hand to grab his crotch or his shattered knuckles. Before he could decide, I grabbed his Glock that was sitting on the coffee table and took aim. It didn't take Fake Mark long to look up and realize that I now had my hand on the ground. That's a good sign. Fake Mark is now completely in control of the situation. He stood up, but didn't make any further advance at me. He instead opted to put out a pouty face and plop down into my recliner in defeat, then it hit me. "Why are you afraid of dying? That isn't even your body. You can't die again, can you?" Fake Mark snapped back in a still somewhat aggressive tone. "If this body dies while I'm in it, I get sent back and I don't think I'll be able to escape again if that happens." "Why are people always so vague when I ask the question?" "Escape from where? That's an important detail." I fully expected Fake Mark to snap back again, but all he did was look me in the eyes and mumble. "Hell." The absolute tear on his face seemed genuine, and usually I try to stay respectful and patient when someone is in an emotional state like that. Fortunately for Fake Mark, he wasn't a person. He was a ghost that was possessing my acquaintance, and I don't really appreciate that very much, so I continued with my questioning. "How'd you escape hell the first time?" "I don't know. I was just a kid." Fake Mark was surprisingly cooperative now. "I found a gateway, walked through it, and ended up on this land. I think there's some sort of portal to hell around here. It seems like that's mostly ancient creatures that come out through instead of regular spirits. All I think I can figure is that you can finish the hell away and live back out of this location." "This is great for me, you being forced to read this dialogue. That's awesome. Damn, I was expecting a badass story about a ghost, but I'm not sure I can do that. I'm just going to have to wait and see. I'm going to have to wait and see. shit going on here. I also love that even this story couldn't resist giving an explanation to everything it can't give it gives an explanation about everything besides the character itself which is yes of course so fun yeah well you seem to know your shit why do i get that idea that you know more about hell the bosses of the average lost soul i was a preacher in life then why were you in hell because i studied the occult in my spare time and skipped out of the donation bowl uh that makes sense guess god is cheeky like that but what makes you think all the weirdos in those woods come from hell i was a preacher that's how i know where the hell portals are big mark that started speaking in a more relaxed and confident manner not all the beasts down here come from portal actually most of them don't just some of the particularly nasty ones you met the one the other day i think you called the tall man he's a recent immigrant i think i got bitches if he makes up my side of group he was the one average ones but you already do the most bad ones don't you it's like carl weiser but he's so mad he's about to he's about to explode jimmy i think i'm gonna fucking kill myself jimmy i want you to make me a scientific machine that fucking puts a bullet in my head carl that's just a gun not jimmy i'm too afraid to do it myself you're gonna have to fucking kill me somehow with your bitching carl be a man and just shoot yourself in the head carl blade blade blade be a man and brain blast carl yeah be a man and brain blast all over over my ceiling carl jimmy i'm afraid to brain blast i might want to die but i'm afraid to do it jimmy carl my mom wants you to do it carl if you want to have sex with my mom you're gonna have to brain blast you'll have to do it in valhalla carl yeah sit at the table with vikings carl jimmy i think if i kill myself in your living room i'm not gonna go to valhalla i don't think that makes me a viking jimmy i don't think that makes me a warrior jimmy carl it does it makes you a warrior killing yourself jimmy jimmy jimmy i like how they give the hell explanation but they clarify it's not a real explanation just some of the time all right it's it's so it's so nonsensical and stupid i'm not even gonna acknowledge it at this fake mark started grinning he was right i knew exactly uh who he was talking about it's that chuck hulu guy the chosen worship piece of it fake mark's grin transformed into a grimace holy hell carl i seriously fucking despise you it's that thing you call skinny if hulu is a cosmic entity from another plane of existence separate from hell skinny on the other hand is an absolute product of hell so he's a demon then no not a demon but an amalgamation at least of a few other creatures i'm pretty sure lucifer granted himself if i had to guess lucy tried to take over the mortal plane is throwing some creatures out here to test the waters before it's assault shit that isn't good i might be on his bad side since i keep mooting skinny although also do you know what skinny is no but i do know what he does no but i do know that he doesn't seem to be able to enter a home without being invited in and when he takes the appearance of something whether it's a sumo wrestler or a baby rabbit he maintains the same weight trying to break it i'm full and i and how do you know he stays the same weight because i once saw him spying on you as a squirrel only to snap back to the giant branch he was perched on under his weight they proceeded to sweep the truck on the tree with his little squirrel claws until he fell over out of frustration just the level of the level of descriptions get too so absurd but you go on and he's doing no but i do i want out i want out god no jimmy what do you mean i should bring a gun to school it's a 3d printed gun i used it on my bamboo lab i think 3d printed on the parts they'll never know i don't know jimmy i don't think it's a good idea to bring a gun to school no carl you got a blast right now you gotta do it for my mom carl you gotta do it for my you gotta do it for my mom carl i remember that tree i thought it had been attacked by the family of six-legged beavers that lived down by the creek but i guess i was wrong six-legged beaver six-legged beaver six-legged beaver just the level of like slapping my belly this will be in a western for the audience this will be in a western for the audience i thought that tree looked familiar this will be in a western for the audience this will be in a western for the audience this will be in a western for the audience in a bar in Mexico. I have no idea how they found me because even though I had been shit-faced for two solid weeks, I know for sure no one in that area even spoke English, so I don't think I could have ratted myself out. I tried to find someone, honestly. Also, the people I was hiding from are not paranormal in any way, and that is a story I'm not certain I want to share right now, but I may share later on. Anyways, this group approached me and made me an offer. Again, I had been shit-faced for two straight weeks, so my memory is spotty. For what I can remember, they said something about helping me escape the problems I had created with that group. Normally, I would have immediately suspected that they were the enemy in disguise, but again, drunk-ass me thought this is the greatest thing that could happen. I mean, they were offering me a free place to stay with a limited amount of monthly allowance to purchase food and whatever else I needed. I just assumed it was government-funded. Then again, the government thinks I died 12 years ago. I think none of that matters now, though. See, I pretty much figured out what really happened behind the scenes with some help from Mark. We've been sharing a hospital room for the last week, so we had plenty of time to think. I'll get to how we got here soon. I think this is going to be a long post. So as much as Mark and I can figure, the organization that was offering me witness protection-type services was actually a fake front that was run by the monster hunting group that Mark works for. Their goal was to find someone with above-average survival skills to see how long a human could last in an area with a highly concentration of screwed-up things roaming around. Okay, let me emphasize that the assholes that planned this experiment probably didn't expect me to survive my first encounter, let alone live there for three years. Then, when the Key Lutz showed up, they got giddy. According to Mark, they have never been able to observe a dead Key Lutz before the one that I killed. He sure knows how to make me feel special. That's what Mark and his crew got sent out and old Marky has been with ever since. But enough of the theory shit. Let me tell you about the cluster that put me and Mark in the hospital. That ghost preacher bitch that possessed Mark a while back only got about half of her facts right. I found this out when Mark and I decided to go to the home base of the local cult that lives on the back of the property. They call themselves the Chosen. I don't know what they're chosen for, but I know for sure that no one in that ragtag group of dipshits shouldn't be chosen for anything but extermination. They have tried to quote unquote sacrifice me three different times now. The last attempt, they went as far as attempting to try and burn down my house, but I caught them in the act and convinced their leader, short Latino man named Hector, to not bother me anymore. I really didn't want anything to do with them because they're so awkward. But Mark was certain that they probably have some information about why more deadly creatures seem to be popping up at a higher rate or maybe at least have some knowledge about Skinny. I tried to convince him that I knew more than Chosen when it came to Skinny, but he insisted that I was about as observant as Helen Keller, whoever that is. So there we are, standing in front of their little shantytown they call the Ponderosa. It's mostly made up of metal sheds and parts of mobile homes, yes parts, in people living inside with whole walls missing. Keep in mind that these people aren't poor. Almost all the members have nice cars and trucks parked outside their homes, a new Chevy Silverado, nice Ford Mustang, and many other things. I don't know the name off the top of my head. I don't really understand what philosophy leads to them living happily in a shithole like this. To each their own, I guess. We found Hector pretty quickly. He was in the middle of the squalor preaching about something or other. He noticed me and Mark almost immediately due to the fact that neither of us were wearing dark robes like the rest of the cultists. Mark was wearing black combat pants and a great long sleeve shirt that made him look like he meant business. I, on the other hand, was wearing blue jeans and a Twizzler t-shirt. Hector stated somewhat solemnly, "I guess we have a guest now," and proceeded to step down off the upside down five gallon bucket. As he approached, Mark whispered just loud enough for me to hear, "They're surrounding us." And sure enough, he was right. Looked around to see not only Hector approaching us, but about 60 different cultists approaching us from different directions. They were closing in and both Mark and I prepared to draw our weapons and defend ourselves when Hector called out, "Children, calm down. Don't you see he's got a gun now?" "Let's please try not to get on his nerves." I could see Mark start smirking out of the corner of his eye, but I didn't have the heart to tell him that they weren't talking about him. "Look, Mr. Hector, right? We were just wondering if you had any idea of where some of the paranormal creatures in this area are coming from." The questions seemed to make Hector uncomfortable. "We haven't seen anything like that around here, so. " Just then, one of the black cultists came busting through the surrounding crowd. "Pen Bishop Hector! The baby is dead!" "The baby doll spider came back!" At this revelation, Hector knew that we knew that he knew what we wanted to know. All he could do was look back and forth from his distraught follower and us. He finally decided to just awkwardly smile at us. As much as Mark wanted to continue questioning, we both noticed that the cultist that came back was missing large chunks of his robe and his flesh. While the man stood there hyperventilating in front of his leader, Mark pointed something out to me. "Cole! Cole! He's. he's holding a severed hand!" We didn't want anyone to overhear us while all the focus was on Hector trying to console the hysterical man. I responded to Mark's observation with, "Look, if this thing is coming, we may have to put the skinny hunt on hold. As much as these people are a nuisance, I don't really want to see a community get slaughtered." Mark shot a conflicted look at me. "I agree, but we aren't prepared for a fight with something like that." While we were talking, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Sonya, Hector's second-in-command. I hadn't seen her since the last time we saw each other, so I was a little nervous. "Cole, we have all the information you want, and some that you probably don't. But before I tell you, we need your help. This thing is going to tear us to shreds, but I have a way to get rid of it." Sonya was the only member of the Chosen that struck me as somewhat smart. I think she was raised in the cult, and that was the only reason she hasn't left. In some twisted way, it's her only family. Before Mark's protest, I answered, "What do you mean? What do you mean, you're not going to get rid of me? What's your name?" "We're in. So what do we do? So what do we-" I was interrupted before I could finish my sentence by a loud screeching. The sound was beyond unnatural. I could describe it as a young woman screaming in terror, but the tone kept changing instantly, like a shitty autotune from Hell. Mark was the only member of the Chosen that struck me as somewhat smart. Before Mark's protest, I answered, "What do you mean, you're not going to get rid of me? What's your name?" "What do you mean, you're not going to get rid of me? What's your name?" I was already sprinting off. I really hoped that she was grabbing some sort of secret weapon and not just being a coward. I didn't have time to dwell on these thoughts, though. "That's the beast, cresting the hill," Mark said as he jerked my attention back to the situation at hand. Sure enough, as I looked through the trees that lead uphill, I could see a mass of tan, white, and dark red charging down the hill. As it got closer, the cultists started running around wildly. Some pulled out spears and knives, but that looked like they were trying to use chopsticks for the first time. I was starting to make out some details of the things as it approached. The main defining feature of the baby doll spider was that it was in fact made of what looked like baby dolls, not just dolls, though. Mannequins, cosmetic practice heads. It seemed like all of the different objects were held together by some magic stickiness. I disagree with calling it a spider, too. It had four legs and two arms. It was shaped more like a centaur. Another odd detail was each body part was shaped like a centaur. As it approached. As it approached. Like every Expendables movie ever. Every Expendables movie. I started hitting center mass as the creature neared the 10 yards from Mark. He now stopped and turned towards me. Mark took advantage of this brief pause and sprinted at the creature. I was confused by this until I saw the round thing in his hand. A grenade. I kept firing and Mark slid under the belly of the beast and plunged his hand in between the parts that made up the creature's torso. Then continuing his slide out from the other side. As he got back to his feet, he yelled, And dove behind a nearby Cadillac. All the creature had time to do was start to look over in Mark's direction before it was obliterated by a teeth-rattling explosion. Hundreds of body parts rained down everywhere. That may have been the most badass thing I've ever seen. It's really a good thing that Mark started carrying grenades with him everywhere since the Tall Man incident. Cheering began erupting from all around the compound, but the celebration was short-lived. As I jogged over to check on Mark, I noticed that the body parts were all over Mark's body. Not only that, but they were all moving towards the same central point. The yells of joy started dying as more people began to realize that the thing was putting itself back together. Just as Mark started to grab for another grenade concealed somewhere in his body, I heard the familiar voice of Sonya screaming my name. Cole, take this! The woman that lived in the tree said you wouldn't know what to do with it! With that, she tossed me what looked like an oversized minnow catching net. That didn't make any sense. There's no way in hell that this thing would be afraid of a net like the pale, even if it was bigger. All my doubts melted away when I caught the net, though. Sonya was right. I knew exactly what to do. A wave of something came over me when my fingers made contact with the net. It was like an absolute certainty of something, but I wasn't sure what exactly I was certain of. I looked down at the net and realized that where the weights were on a normal minnow net, this one had medium-sized rocks. One of the rocks on these rocks were symbols or runes of some sort that I didn't recognize. They would have been. It would have been hard to see on the rocks if they weren't glowing a bright blue color. Martin looked at me with a stare of confusion and snapped back to reality. Snap back to reality. There it is. And commanded, Get your ass in gear and use that thing. I bolted in the direction, like even Mark Wahlberg's becoming disinterested. I bolted in the direction of the now half-formed doll spider and slung the net over the wriggling mass of body parts. Nothing happened. The body parts kept moving. The net didn't seem to faze the thing. Bullshit. Peter Marks hated himself from behind me. Then it hit me. It was like I remembered something I had never even learned. Before I knew what I was doing, the word RAKULAKASHA escaped my mouth. Immediately, all of the once-blue rooms changed into a deep red and smoke started rising from the net. The beast managed to get one more half of a screech in before it, well, I guess it just kind of stopped existing. Well, the cheering started to. erupt again from the cultist. I immediately approached Sonya. Something she had said when she first approached was hanging heavily on my mind. So do you mind explaining to me why you called her the lady who lived in the trees and not the lady who lives in the trees? I said with more force than was probably necessary. Look, Cole, I know you need to know she came to me and explained everything. Yes, it's our fault that some of these beasts exist, but the shapeshifter needs to be dealt with now and you're ready to take on that task. She came to me. Hector doesn't even know. And she was certain that it was you who would be able to fix this. Please just listen. The somber tone of the young woman's voice told me that my suspicions were true. The lady in the tree hadn't been hiding or avoiding me this whole time, and that was really hard to swallow. This was the beginning of a path to a dark place that I hadn't visited in years. I just hope that Mark is willing to come with me. There's more to this story, but this entry is getting too long, so I'm going to cut it off here and post it on Twitter. I'm going to post the rest of this story at a later date. Until then, Cole's signing off. All right. Top comment. Top comment on part eight. This is the most interesting series of anything I have ever read. That's why you have to take everything you read online with a little grain of salt, dude. The good and the bad. Oh, you're saying that guy's trolling? You're saying he wasn't earnest? No, no, no. I'm just saying that, like, I think people just throw out big things like that. Oh, to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be overly. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, in that case. Last part. Are you ready for part nine? I am ready. So where did I leave off? You know, that's right. I just found out the one person on this godforsaken plot of land that I had considered to be on my side before Mark showed up is dead. That's right, folks. Lady in the tree wasn't mad at me. She wasn't ignoring me. She had been deceased for almost a year now. She's the only one who really provided me with the means to survive over the past three years. She gave me a gun with magic bullets. She gave me hearing and an ear that had been destroyed. She gave me antidotes, alcohol. I'm pretty sure she even did my laundry once. Funny. I also can't help but think that she had something to do with the fact that the spirit preacher couldn't possess me. The most important thing she gave me, though, was her trust. Based on the few times she had directly communicated with me through letters, she had always alluded to the fact that I was supposed to be the one to help cleanse this land of the supposed darkness. Like I was. Chosen one or some shit. Whether I'm actually special or not, though, she trusted me absolutely. And I failed. In her mind, I was battling these monsters and scaring them away from here. I was the hero she had been waiting on. For she couldn't fight the creatures directly due to some sort of oath. In reality, all I've done for the past three years was stick around and get lucky. I've never gone out looking to solve the monster problems around here. Even when I set the trap for camo, that was purely selfish and reasoning. I was just annoyed by it. I was annoyed by his constant attempts at trapping me. I didn't do it for the greater good of the land. Looking at my life, I've never really done much to serve anyone else but myself. Even the stuff I did after my dad was killed. I wasn't avenging him. I was getting revenge for me. I don't know why she ever decided that I was the one who would make things right. What instincts had told her that I was the man that would finally change something. I really wish she had never decided on me in the first place because the fact alone is why I typed this in a hospital bed. My throat's hurting and my lip is trembling. Actually, that might be the hospital's food's fault. Not really sure at this point. Enough sad monologuing. Time to get back to what happened. Sonia had some explaining to do and I fully expected to get every ounce of useful intel from her. First question I needed answered was what the hell happened to the lady in the tree. Sonia, what happened to her? She looked at the ground. It was obvious that she was dreading having to explain this to me. She snuck into what was left of my shelter in the middle of the night. After Skinny attacked the Ponderosa. She told me. At this, Mark, who seemed to materialize from nowhere, cut her off. Look, I understand you want to get right to the part where the tree lady died, but first there's some other questions that I need answered. Oh my god. No. Why did Skinny attack in the first place? Do you know where he came from? Do you know how to stop him? I turned to argue with Mark because I was the one who wanted to get to the part where she died. But unfortunately, Mark was right. Yeah, as much as I want to hear about what became of the lady in the tree, we need to start from the beginning. Now, what was it that you were saying some of these monsters popping up were her fault? I guess Mark hadn't heard the part of the previous conversation because now he looked at me with surprise etched into his face. Sonia was even slower to answer this time. Well, Cole, it wasn't my fault, per se. You know how stubborn and persistent Hector can be, right? I didn't really like where this was going, but I had a pretty good idea. Yeah, I mean, you tried to kill me. What, six times, I think? Stop thinking, Sonia replied. Nine, but that's not what's important. What's important is that Hector has been trying to summon Cthulhu for years now. This is awesome, man. Just hearing you read Mark Wahlberg's there. This dude's like four foot eight looking up at everyone, but he's like the ultimate operator. This is good for me. But in the last year, he's finally starting to having progress, sort of. Mark chimed in. What exactly does progress consist of? Can I get into it? I got Trump. What exactly? I got to get five. Well, that. So, what? No. What exactly does? Well, what's really funny is when you tried to fuse Mark Wahlberg and Donald Trump, it became Tony Soprano. Yeah, exactly. Pretty much started by Tony. Pretty much. That really is. If I think about it, if you fuse the Mark and Trump. Like voices. Did you get James get the Phoebe? Yeah. Fuck you, Carmela. Oh, do you want to tell people the audio message you sent me? Do I still have that? I think I saved that. You can't remember. Hold on. Please tell me. I save that with no context. The other day, Hunter sent me this audio message. We weren't talking about the Sopranos. No one had mentioned it. Uh, we were talking about a business. And I said, Hey, what do you think? And he replied with this. Oh, wait, that's a different one. Well, okay. So that was a different voice message. He'll do that sometimes, but there's, there's, that one's good too. Just the screaming. Um, gosh, I think I didn't save it. Rip. Anyway, Hunter sent me, uh, an audio message where he was Tony Soprano. Um, in relations with Christopher, and he was moaning and saying don't tell carmelo chrissy over and over yeah i remember that now yeah completely i don't know why i saved the one of you screaming but not that one it's it's like that all the time with him anyway the young cultist paused for a moment deep in thought well that attempts at summoning rituals started working just not as planned thanks for coming through the portals we created the things weren't what we meant to summon though so far we summoned a 15 foot tall cloaked tentacle man that had been kidnapping our brothers and sisters on a regular basis until recently the baby doll monster you both just saw and spirits that keep creating minor inconveniences like broken plates and shoelaces being stolen from their respective shoes but the last thing we summoned uh and by far the most vicious was the shapeshifter i couldn't believe what i was hearing so let me get this straight you people are responsible for the tall man the ghost preacher bitch the baby doll abomination and skinny was that ever a point where you thought damn but these witches aren't really helping us out very much maybe we should stop sonia shrugged as she looked at me this is hector we're talking about she had a point hector doesn't know when to quit mark decided to pipe up again what finally happened to convince you that these rituals were a bad idea when the shapeshifter killed half of us and then only stopped after saying that he was going to take a nap and come back for the rest of us later that's a pretty solid reason i said after considering what i was going to do what she said so was it during skinny's nap that the lady that twain came to talk to you yeah it was a few hours after the attack the community was in absolute chaos while hector tried to calm everyone down i was in the shed trying to figure out what i absolutely needed to take with me when i fled that when i hear a woman whisper hey to me it was her i merely knew she was she wasn't one of us because she would she doesn't wear much in the way of clothes and we are very strict about our dress code here what she what this time sonia took a deep breath and closed her eyes before answering she said that she had to save us from the shapeshifter but she had a message and a few things that she needed to leave with me after telling me this she went back outside for a moment and when she came back she was carrying three large nuts she explained that the nets were for the man that lived with the hill you and that i was and i was to give them to you as soon as possible she also said that she thought of a way to keep the shapeshifter from attacking anyone and she said that she thought of a way to keep the shapeshifter from attacking anyone again until you had a chance to deal with them this revelation puzzled me i knew for a fact that the lady in the tree couldn't directly attack or harm any creatures as part of an oath mark stayed silent deep in thought i on the other hand kept on pressing sonia for answers so why the fuck did you tell anyone why is she telling me any of this sooner this information would have been hang uh would have been hang oh i don't know like a year ago sonia flinched as i finished my sentence honestly cole i just i was just scared that if you saw me you would kick the shit out of me i guess i can't blame her because you're so tough and awesome i just thought that you beat the hell of me because you're so alpha cool well i guess that's not i can't blame you on thinking that sometimes you gotta put a girl in a place you know yeah again she's like six foot he's four eight looking up at her i guess i can't blame her for that one i did kick the shit out of hector right in front of her a few years ago okay okay okay okay did she tell you that she had did she tell you how she planned on doing this she never got the chance to before she explained any further we heard screaming along the on this uh along with the sound of ripping metal outside we rushed out to see nine foot tall ron mcdonald ripping someone in half while laughing like a madman the native american hey hey hey ronald mcdonald is another episode callback ronald mcdonald house the native american woman these are not these are not strong enough to be like directly to us but the ronald mcdonald has never been mentioned in another story besides the ronald mcdonald the native american woman looked at me one last time and said make sure to tell cole that he alone can send these beasts back into those nets uh send these bees back using those nets he may not know it yet but he will know what to do when the time comes the elder spirits will guide and protect him but that the indian woman took off towards the shapeshifter which was now a giant werewolf and she got closer she started screaming some words i didn't understand she also started glowing blue which was odd she finally got the shape just call him skinny it's catchier sonya seemed kind of annoyed that i interrupted her but she continued all the same she got skinny's attention when she stopped five feet from him she was lit up like a blue glow stick at this point she had stopped chanting at this point at this point at this point at this point and was just standing in front of skinny trying to catch her breath when skinny said well aren't you different i've never killed a glowing one before and proceeded to casually swipe at her and clawed with the clawed hand any woman didn't flinch but the first claw made made contact with her and there was a deafening boom accompanied with an explosion of what looked like red miss skinny can vaporize people i blurted now a little more wary of my plans to attack the entity sonya was quick to set me straight though no no she did something to herself with those incantations before that before that point all skinny had done was shred people into smaller portions of people mark muttered in response probably some curse that she said on herself as a drop so when it attacks she attacked her it would trigger it's my bypass who will cause direct harm to his creatures in the way attacking her on the way as well did anything change about that mark muttering mark slid his thumb across his through in a slicing motion as he finished glanced over at me with what looked like pity in his eyes yes um what's your name his look of pity quickly turned a look of annoyance ma the expert said with a growl yes mark his behavior did change see after the indian woman disappeared yeah after the indian woman disappeared it only took a few seconds for skinny to regain his composure he almost immediately started laughing then said what the hell was that a suicide bomber attempt pathetic however as he lunged to grab yet another one of his sisters he fell to the ground in writhing agony he got up and tried again and again but each time he attempted to attack someone he was met with paralyzing pain so the cuss makes so the cuss makes it so skinny can hurt anyone because six months ago skinny smacked the dog hold on hold on did the the woman in the tree become the native american woman yeah okay she was just a native american woman this whole time instead of just saying it was a native american woman he had to say the tree person which is okay so she was just uh she was just a native american yeah could have just learned that there was a native american woman but he's like it's the tree lady cool i gotcha okay so the cuss makes it so skinny can't hurt anyone because six months ago skinny smacked the dog shit i mean i almost died not quite see the curse has one catch we found that out with martin cthulhu blessed his soul tried to take advantage of his inability to attack and launched an assault of his own but when his baseball bat made contact with the creature he was immediately struck down by a clawed hand oh god isaiah good god good god curse who fucking who if you try to hurt it it can hurt you i guess i slapped my palm against my forehead ah that makes sense see he can only attack you attack first that's why he tries to get us pissed at him he made it seem like he was trying to lure us outside to disguise the fact that he actually moved um i couldn't really pick up that last sentence could you yeah he said he made it seem like he was trying to lure us outside to disguise the fact that he was actually going to attack you um i couldn't really pick up that last sentence could you yeah he said he made it seem like he was trying to lure us outside to disguise the fact that he actually moved ah yeah i think i got it that time though sonia and mark looked at me somewhat startled for a moment before mark spoke up call poor me but i'm honestly only used to you saying stupid shit but i think you actually might be right this time started to argue but quickly realized he was right screw you mark so do i kill a banished skinny by tossing one of those nets on him and yelling one of my magic words coming to my head wait wait don't you actually fuck that i know that your magic was to use son answer me with yeah i don't really understand that either but let's just roll with it i love explaining everything to like such a no it's awesome it's really good and then being like well not that thing but okay just then i heard mark say what the fuck from right behind me this was odd since mark had been standing in front of me for a few minutes now oh my god i was turning around and sure enough there was a second mark behind me oh my god it was skinny this this meant that either skinny just walked up pretending to be mark or even worse he had been talking to mark time and now knew everything that we knew oh god sonia and i oh my god sonia and i both backed away from the marks as they stared at each other confusion and then back oh we get the whole like i'm yeah the spider-man he's the imposter the spider-man thing yeah the mark on the left yelled throw the net on it now i should change the end them the other fire's back no he's trying to trick you throw it on here fast after a moment i thought and said okay so i think i have a way to figure this out whichever one of you is a real mark Mark just has to punch the other Mark to prove you can attack first. Both Marks shouted. But then he'll kill me. But this Sonya whispered in my ear. Damn, he's good. This is so fucking stupid. I feel like I'm done. All this build up and it comes down to like the, the like, I'm the real Mark. You've known me for weeks. But I already had, had knew what my next move was. Sonya, give me one of those nets. As she handed me one of the nets that was laying on the ground next to her, I started walking towards the Marks until I was right in front of them. A wicked grin spread across my face as I said. All right. Here's a question that the only real Mark would know the answer to. How did I get the tall man to run away? The Mark on the left quickly responded. You cut off his anacle, but couldn't you get him to eat that? I no looked Mark on the right to see how planned to respond to the situation. That's it. It's. It's completely. The writer was hit with a shovel while he was dying. I know. I know. Look, Mark. Right now. I'm who our situation back top. The there like the, the grammar's been bad, but as the stories have gone on, it's gotten worse. All he did was squint his eyes at me inside. Then the defeated tone said, you took off your clothes and ran him naked until he fled. Satisfied by his answer. I slung the net over the top of left most Mark's head and yelled the new magic words. Not really sure why the magic words that came out of mouth were different from the ones that came out when I got rid of the baby doll monster. But like Sonia said, I guess we just roll with it as the rooms that were carved into the rocks that outlined the net started to glow red and skinny was swallowed by the smoke. I heard him mutter. Yeah. Oh, and a deep voice. Then as the smoke that's. Followed him was blown away by a breeze. He was gone pretty anti-climactic, right? Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. I was honestly kind of hoping for some bad-ass battle where we fought to the death and I got to stab him with a magic wooden spear. That was like a final gift from the lady in the tree or something while saying something really cool. But in the end, skinny was defeated by an immature inside joke. That's it. I mean, yeah, the tall man is still out there somewhere, but skinny's done. The lady in the tree got her wish. That's all. I could really hope to accomplish. Mark was pretty pissed off at me for putting his life on the line and risking sending him to another dimension on the basis of him. Remembering an inside joke in response to his anger. I just told him that I had faith in him. And in the end, that's all that mattered. All he said in return was fuck you. I need a beer. I don't really think that's a, I don't think that's Mark Wahlberg's voice. You want to try that again? And fuck you. I need a beer. Thank you. I did. I didn't tell him how I had really figured out who was real, uh, when they both said, but then he'll kill me in unison. See the new Mark that had just explaining the thing we just saw. The new Mark that had just walked up. Shouldn't have known the rules of the curse. Since he hadn't been there to hear about them. All I could figure is that skinny had probably been listening in disguised as a cult. I like explaining this, but this guy does the cult is to decide to enter the conversation and stop us before we came with a plane to kill him. I really just wanted Mark to believe that I was. I was dumb enough to put his life on the line for something that skinny could have easily heard. Had he been eavesdropping at the right time serves him right for basically calling me a dumb ass earlier after skinny was dealt with. Mark and I shared an uncomfortable couple of goodbyes with the cultists. Most of whom hadn't even noticed what had happened, including Hector, much less appreciated the fact that we just got rid of the single most vile creature that had ever inhabited this land. But I was okay with that. The fact that the lady in the trees killer was gone for good was enough for me. Some of you are probably asking, wait, if that's all happened, then why are you both in the hospital? Well, that actually happened when the headquarters of the monster hunting organization that Mark works for summoned both of us to be interrogated about the events that led to the destruction of skinny, which with they knew to be an extremely high level threat after all the paperwork and questioning was over with. Mark offered to take me out for a drink. I accepted. Long story short, don't drink and drive kids. They even took up our electronics for the first week. We were in here claimed it was so they could scan them, but I knew it was just punishment for damaging a company armored SUV. Anyways, that's pretty much it for now. I'll try to keep posting, but now that skinny's gone, land seems a lot more relaxed. Hope you all enjoyed the tale of how I finally killed skinny. This is Cole signing off. Couldn't skinny have been revealed by making him punch Cole instead of taking the gamble with Mark triggering the curse reply. Do you think skinny would have killed Mark knowing Cole is right? There hasn't triggered the curse and can kill or banish him while skinny is attacking another reply. That's my point. If skinny could not attack, then he would have been, he would have not been able to punch Cole. However, Mark would be able to revealing skinny reply. Yeah, that's why Cole said it. He already knew who it was when they both stated, then he would kill me. Knowing the one that just entered the conversation would have no knowledge of the curse unless it was skinny. Another comment. I'm curious at this point, the organization could be Delta Green or MJ 12. Legitimately. I'm wondering, and this is just me comment. This is really just going at it. Hope this actually is different. Due to your past. Oh my God. This is, is this worse than, is this worse than happy? Happy? No, no, no dude, you are memory holding happy, happy, like the level of detail that got to with him talking about the different models of the cars right before the series was over saying, I'm going to call them this from now on. And the descriptor, there was like half of that story was him talking about how he feels weird because happy, happy seems sinister. This, this story was miserable. Of course, but it was, it was by no means boring. It was boring in the sense it was badly written, but stuff kept happening. Happy. Happy was like a penance. So no, it's not happy, happy. And it is also like half the length. I mean, I'm looking at, we've been recording for three and a half hours. That's insane. Yeah. I feel like a concept of a cute campy thing. Like I said, cabin, the woods kind of thing where it's a very short one parter idea of like a guy. Also, there's really, there is no explanation of why the guy is there. What this deep traumatizing thing. They never even remotely say what that is. It's just, it just, God, good, good God. At least we got Carl Weiser. We got that. That was nice. I was about it. I think that was the only happy moment in my entire. I had a lot of happy moments. Anytime you had to read a line, I was having a happy moment, especially the exposition. That was awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was awesome. Well, um, I mean, I legitimately, I don't know what to say. I know people are usually like an analysis or something at the end. I mean, I think it's pretty straightforward. I really don't know what to say. I hope that, that, I mean, I don't know what kind of enjoyment, I don't know. I'm flabbergasted. I don't really, what, what, what, what is there to say, Isaiah? Well, how do we end this? Oh, don't, don't worry. Don't worry. I found this. Hold on. It's a prequel. It's a prequel from Mark's perspective. So Cole told me that a lot of people that read his stories wanted to know how much, no, not, no, let's go and let's read it. We're already here. Let's read it. Okay. All right. Why not? So Cole told me that a lot of people that read his stories wanted to know how I came into contact with and began working for the organization that I'm currently with. After seeing how much fun Cole had writing these stories about his property, I got to say, I'm tempted to take a little bit of a break. I'm going to go back to the beginning of the story. I've got to say, I'm going to go back to the beginning of the story. Thanks for watching!