1. My Journey with Grief

Hello fellow Greavers, welcome to the unapologetically grieving podcast where each episode acts as a collective grief diary and an entry to provide comfort and support to those who are grieving in whatever form it takes. Whether you're new to grief, you have a lifetime of it. This podcast is intended to share other people's stories with the hope that it provides solace in your grief journey. You know, we feel and believe that we have to go through our grief journey alone and that is so far from the truth and it is my honor to have you here to listen to these episodes and may they bring you peace and love and understanding to your mind and your heart throughout the journey. So it is my biggest pleasure to start this collective grief diary off with my very own entry. You know, grief is wild. It's untamed. It's messy. It's beautiful. It's a healing portable and it's just all the things and no one ever can prepare us for the grief that we feel when grief knocks at our door. And because grief is so unique, you know, just as unique as your own personal fingerprints, you know, nobody in the world has your fingerprints and nobody in the world is going to grieve or feel exactly how you do. People may share similar experiences yet how we grieve, how we process, whether we actually face it or we numb out of it, that's entirely uniquely to our personal experience. And so, you know, I thought I knew what grief was and I've lost many friends over my lifetime, sometimes a couple in one month or every three months, it felt like somebody was dying in my field. And I had the death of my father and my grandmother yet it didn't really feel the same as when my dogs passed, which I'll get into later on into the episode. But you know, we we have these experiences through life and what I've learned is and you know, many people may already know this, but our grief, the the the intensity at which we grieve is the capacity at which we loved the thing or the person that we lost. And in terms of grief, people automatically think that it's oh, I lost x, y and z. This person's, you know, crossed over and people don't know that it's not just for the death of a person. We experience grief in so many different ways, like the loss of a job or getting in a car accident, moving, having your health completely change and start developing chronic illness. And we don't realize the impact that grief really has on us in those moments. And people now, most of society really do not know that they're actually grieving when their bodies are feeling these, you know, certain sensations. And you know, when I was a bedside nurse, one of my first questions was, have you felt your grief? Have you processed your grief? Did you recently loosen by? Did you recently have a major life transition when they have these symptoms that come out of nowhere? And a lot of the time you could see the wheels turning. They're like, oh my goodness, I didn't even put those two things together. So with that being said, you know, when my dad died in 2011, I cried. I didn't really know, like I knew what grief was, but I didn't have the intimate relationship that I have now with grief back then. And you know, it happened so fast, then I just never guess I never really processed it, you know, years later I realized this. And then the death of my grandmother in 2018, unconsciously and very subtly was showing me the path of the life that I was going to be taking. And even then, I didn't know the sacredness of death and dying and grief. And you know, I was, my grandmother was dying at home on hospice. I was ending a very healthy two-year relationship. And I was at the end of nursing school. And then my grandmother actually died. And I never processed any of it. I just kept going and going and going. Just like society tells us like you don't stop. You don't stop to feel your feelings. You just sweep it under the rug and keep pushing forward. And I had to. I was in nursing school and I was coming, I was in my last semester. And any of you nurses out there, you know how nursing school is. And my grades started declining. My health just completely went to shit. I was bloated and my body was just holding on to so much stuff because it didn't feel safe at all. And I was, you know, I can go on and on about that of not really realizing that I went from having a very active and fit body to not. And that was grief. I was in this shit storm of grief and didn't even know it. And many years later, I wouldn't say many, you know, 2021. And I was in a mushroom ceremony. And my heart cracked open. And I realized that I never processed that grief. I was laying there on my living room floor, crying uncontrollably. My heart just overflowing with this overwhelming sensation of love and sadness at the same time. And even then, I didn't realize this was an initiation in two mean working with people through their grief. And, you know, there were other emotions too of guilt and wish I could have did this differently. And we wish we would have had help. And, you know, that's one of the main reasons why I became a death doula is to not allow families to have to go through what I went through so that they can adequately grieve while they're in the face of death while they're being the caregiver and all the roles are switched. And that even brings grief. Caregiver burnout is a fucking thing. And so many people keep pushing through and keep pushing through. And that's not okay. Society has made us believe that. And it's a fucking lie. And, you know, the day after my grandmother passed was when my awakening happened. It was subconsciously happening in the years prior, starting in 2013, it was looking back. I'm like, Oh, it was actually happening. But 2018, that day I looked at the clock and it said 11, 11. And it wasn't just a normal time this time. I knew it meant something, but I didn't know what I knew that I knew. It was such a trippy feeling. And then moving forward from that, you know, deep dive into my healing, going to therapy, sitting with different various plant medicines and amphibian medicines and really just healing the inner parts and that whole journey. And let me tell you, nobody gives you there's there's no booklet. There's no manual on life or this healing journey of awakening to self of true self and that there's going to be parts of you that die over and over and over again and again and again. Nobody told me this. And the people that I was awakening with, we didn't know. We didn't find our tribe yet. We just knew what in the actual fuck is happening. So as I got deeper into my journey, it's like, Oh, you're this new awakened, powerful being. But now you're straddling your old life of everything that doesn't exist. All the friendships that no longer exist, all the family members that you've no longer talked to. And then your other foot is over in your new life and you're stuck in this liminal cocoon of what the fuckness of you're not you're just straddling that. You're literally playing hoki pokey with your old life in your new life. And no one tells you that there's grief with that. And there is you you have to to die, this is my theory. If we die over and over and over again, multiple different deaths of self throughout our lifetime, that by the time we get to our actual final surrender and we are on our deathbed, it is going to be the celebration that death is what it's meant to be. When we can drop the anxieties of change and death, it becomes a lot easier and it's easier said than done. I still struggle with it of just letting things be and knowing that every season is going to come to an end. There's no way out of it. We can kick and we can scream and we can resist and literally only makes it worse. When we can unpack the emotional baggage, forgive and love and return to the joy in our heart, when we come to the end of our life, it's hands in the air, let's go kind of situation. I know a lot of people who have been in the liminal space for quite some time and it's exhausting and there's grief in that. Through people's healing journeys, my healing journey, I know I briefly mentioned it, when you start going to therapy and you start working on yourself, you start chipping away at all the armor and all the things that kept us safe and protected and I don't want to feel that. Let me put this armor up. All of that begins to melt away and then sometimes your childhood memories start coming up and for me that's what happened. I want to say a year or two after my awakening. I started remembering the childhood sexual abuse that I experienced where my body knew I didn't have the conscious memories of them until I sat with Ayahuasca and many, many, many mushroom ceremonies and I did a hero's dose mushroom ceremony and that revealed the deepest layer of the childhood sexual abuse and then that brings up grief and anger and grief doesn't always show up as sadness and the five stages of grief is bullshit. It's not for the living person. It's for the person who is dying and that's what that can be a whole other conversation. However, grief shows up in anger, in sadness, frustration. It can show up in joy, in love, in pleasure, in happiness and in my case I started feeling the anger and what I learned is that under the anger was sadness. That anger was just a coat to protect the sadness so I didn't feel the sadness of the confusion of why are the men in my family, the very men that are meant to be protecting me. Why are they hurting me? Where were my parents? That whole thing and we can have compassion for our abusers and for the people in our life who we expected to take care of us and still grieve that we didn't again have the life we thought we were going to have or what do you mean? My parents did their best and they allowed this and I was neglected and there's grief there and it's just this well of this volcano erupting just waiting to happen that comes up with that. Even to this day, my body is still remembering little remnants as I clear it out of not feeling safe and that's one of the things that's really really important when it comes to our grief is feeling safe enough in the body to actually feel the feelings, to feel the emotions when they come up because how many of us, especially men, are told suck it up, you cry, I'll give you something to cry about if you don't stop crying and just this turn your head and you know that's not okay at all so to help the body feel safe enough to feel the grief is is huge and that's also things that I've been working on and you know educate people on and guide them through that and you know there's different things of heartbreak and you know still to this day that breakup in 2018 rocked me. It let me tell you my goodness it was a decision I didn't want to make yet, needs weren't being met and it was just it was one of those situations where you know the the mind already knew but the heart had to catch up because the heart was just so in love and you know just thinking about all the heart breaks over the years and the abandonment of self and you know grieving that and then coming back around to forgive yourself it's grief is sneaky and it will show up and none of us will get out of this life without feeling some sort of grief and so like I mentioned in the beginning I thought I knew what grief was and I had no fucking idea what grief was like until my soul dog died unexpectedly, emergently showing now looking back showing signs but could have been and was mistaken for old age signs you know I got my dogs in my mid 20s and that's like prime time you know you go your whole life that's a whole lifetime a whole decade of unconditional love and routine and just a love that people who don't have pets I'm sure to some extent they they receive that yet there is no love out there like the love of an animal of a pet and so this is where I mean this whole thing is going to be it's unapologetic that's the the preface of this entire podcast so I will be crying I already feel the emotions coming up and that's okay and so so I moved into my apartment in June of 2025 and my dog Kane oh my sweet baby boy he was starting to slow down on our walks and you know again he had bad hips and he wasn't chunky like overweight chunky but he was a big boy 80 pounds of sweet potato just the biggest goofiest dog that had the farts of something that literally could clear an entire room an entire stadium and you know he just starts slowing down and I had been preparing for Noley's death just a little bit so there was anticipatory grief there because in 2025 she was diagnosed with kidney disease and I knew you know just with my nursing background I was like okay I can monitor this and just see and keep her as comfortable as possible so I was kind of preparing for that it was not on my radar nor my bingo card for what happened with Kane it was Christmas morning and I woke up early as always I did my morning devotion and something that came to me was you know while I was just sitting in silence what does freedom mean to me what does it feel like what does it look like and I never fully answered it I let it be and I just sat with it as I walked the dogs that morning of what what does it feel like to me to have freedom and we came back in from our walk you know he paused a couple times on the walk and as soon as we walked in the front door he collapsed on the ground out of nowhere and everything in me knew something was so wrong and I thought he was having a heart attack and I started massaging his heart and his chest to you know just seeing he had this look in his eyes and then I was like oh my god is he having a seizure is he like what what's happening and I just sat there because I froze I didn't know what to do and so I you know try to pick him back up again and I waddled him over to his bed and he fell again just complete heavy weight just fell on the floor And I again just stood there and Shaga was like, oh my God, this is not happening. This is not happening. I was supposed to go to work that day. And I called the vet, the emergency vet and asked them and they're like, yeah, bring them in. We'll get them right away. And so I loaded his big ass up and that walk carrying his limp, almost lifeless body to my car was the heaviest lift I've ever had in my entire life. heavier than any squat heavier than anything I've ever carried in my life. Not only was it physically heavy, it was emotionally heavy. Trying to not cry but also crying at the same time sobbing as he's slipping out of my arms and trying to get him into the car. There was people out walking their dogs and the two guys that were out there just looked at me, watching me struggle to carry my dog without even asking, like, do you need help? None of that. And I can't expect random strangers or society to drop everything to help me. And on the way to the vet, I just knew that there's a possibility that I'm not going to come home with my dog. And grappling of like this can't be happening, not on Christmas, you know. This is not how this happens. And so I got to the vet and they helped me load him onto their gurney and brought him inside and Cain didn't even flinch. He just let them do the IV and just let it be. And I thought that was odd, but I just knew you know when you have that intuition you know. But at the same time, like, please don't let today evolve to his be that day. And the vet was doing the ultrasound, asking me questions at the same time. He started in the lower parts of his belly and was working his way up. And I was sitting there slouched over and three more people had come in after me. They got really busy after I walked in. And I glanced up at the ultrasound screen and I saw all the fluid accumulated around his heart. And I just, everything, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. I didn't need the vet to tell me what was on the screen. And the vet tech grabbed a blanket and she covered his body. And the vet looked at me and he's like, there's a lot of fluid around his heart and it makes sense why he collapsed and he's not perfusing. He's like, we can do surgery to you know get rid of the fluid. He goes, but there's a chance that it can come back quickly. Because of chance that I could not come back at all, but given the state what's happening and what I see it, I see that it could lean more towards it filling up more quickly. He said then there's a chance that he could die on the operation table that his heart could completely stop. He could die of a heart attack. And I didn't want that for him. And the vet suggested quality of life and the reality of what I already knew just smacked me in the face. And I just lumped into the arms of this vet tech and I was sobbing and drooling everywhere and I just, I let out this scream that could be heard for miles. It's like everything time stood still like within my world, but everything around me was moving at the same time. And they moved us into a private room so I could think about what I wanted to do. And I had a brief taste of what it felt like for my patients, family members to have to make a decision because it was at that point and they're also grieving. When your whole world is shattered and you're grieving, the brain goes into fight or flight. Your nervous system goes into fight or flight and making a disass sound decision is completely off the table. And I remember sitting there and they gave him a little bit of fluid and medicine to help calm him down and he just sat there on the floor shaking and I knew I needed to make a decision because literally he could die at any moment because of how much fluid was around his heart. And the staff there was so incredibly nice and empathetic and just, you know, really just kind people. And one of the people that worked there, she instead of saying, well, at least you have your other dog, she said, I'm really glad you have your other dog. And the way she worded it, because she could have said, well, at least to try to find that silver lining, but she empathized with me in such a beautiful way that my heart broke even more. And I knew quality of life was the best option. And I wanted to do in-home euthanasia because my mind couldn't grasp doing it right then and there in a cold vets office and noly at home wondering like, where's her brother? So I made the decision and they gave me the name of a company. And while I was on the phone with the company, she was also very, very kind and soft spoken and gentle and nourishing and she, gratefully, they had times available that day with it being a holiday. And she asked me the time that I wanted it was either 130 or 530. And while she was talking, it was just like Charlie Brown, just a waw, waw, waw, waw, just, it's like, I was deaf, but I was hearing her. But it just like, everything hit me just shut down. And the time it took for me to actually make a decision on the time, on the appointment, felt like a fucking eternity. And I felt so bad because I was like, oh no, we can do this time. And then I was like, oh no, wait, let's do this time. And in my mind, it's like, do I want to wait all day and anticipate this dread? Or do I want to have more time with my dog? And everything in me, my intuition told me to choose the 530 time. And I did and you know, they set that up and I didn't care how much it cost. I handed over my card number as easy as like anything in the world and I just didn't care. It could have been $20,000 and I wouldn't have cared. I didn't even ask about the price. I just just do it because I didn't have a choice. And I wasn't going to do it there. And so they helped me load him up and put him in my car. And then all of the thoughts of like, this is his last car ride. And like all the guilt of the times that I was not so nice to him or I was rushing him to go on our walks and not knowing that he was suffering. And when we got home, they're still even on the way home. I was like, I want to get him his favorite meal, but I don't want to leave him alone. I want to get him all the things he didn't get to enjoy. Because he had allergies and he didn't get a lot of treats throughout his life. And like, there's just things he couldn't eat. And I wanted to get those for him, but I didn't leave him alone. So then I grappled with that guilt and all the emotions that go with it. And I get to my apartment and I'm like, fuck, how am I going to carry him? Because I can't. And they had him wrapped in blankets and I knocked on the door of my neighbors. And they just saw me and I just asked them if they could please help me carry him into my apartment. And they did. They both just took him out of my hands and brought him inside and laid him down. It was such a lonely process because it was the holiday and everybody was with their families. I just, I didn't know what to do and I struggled to stay present because I was in my mind a lot. And I tried to make him as comfortable as possible and I just laid there with him. Remembering all the times that he, he licked my tears and he quite literally saved my life. In 2016, I had my dad's gun in my hand and I was so stressed out. I just, I didn't want to be alive anymore. And I was sitting at the edge of my bed and he comes and he puts his head on my hand that has the gun in it. And I just looked down at him and I looked at Noley and I snapped out of him and I was like who's going to take care of them. So they've been my anchor points, especially Kane. And to the thing. that like this dog that saved my life is not leaving. It was the worst feeling and my heart just kept breaking over and over and over again and looking up at the clock. Another hour goes by. I only have this time left and just laying there with him like this is the last time I'm going to lay with him. This is the last time I'm going to kiss his ears and play with his you know just rub his ears and rub his face and his head and kiss his forehead and I just looked at him in the eyes and I could tell like he was halfway in there and he just wasn't fully there. And I just thanked him for everything that he's provided me over the last 13 years. And you know I made a phone call to my grandfather and told him about it and I had been trying to get a hold of my mom and I finally got a hold of her you know a few minutes before the vet was going to be at the house and you know that's another conversation at another time of how that went but the vet showed up and she was in tears. I was here but I wasn't here. I was just like a body just operating like I was just taking up space and she told me the process and she said you know it's all on my time and I get to choose like how long or how long we do it or how fast or anything like that and she's like whenever you're ready I was like I'm never gonna fucking be ready for this. Not now, not in an hour, not ever. And I felt so guilty for making this decision and just really angry that this is how this was happening. And you know she had this little treat thing that looked like a goger packet and you know she gave that to him to distract him from the the first medication and he inhaled it and then that made me feel even more guilty because I'm like he didn't eat that morning, he didn't get a chance to eat breakfast, he didn't get his last meal, he didn't get to eat chicken, like just struggling so hard and she gave him the sleepy medicine, she did the print of his paw, she shaved you know fur off of his tail for me and I just laid there with my hand wrapped around him like we always did. And I just looked at her, I was like okay like I'm never I'm never gonna be ready and you know she asked me questions about him and like how he was as a dog and what his favorite things were and then she you know she gave him the final medication, she let us have our time and it happened so fucking quick and I just screamed and wailed and to every bit of this space that I was in and I could I just I felt his soul leave his body and I just knew like he wasn't in there anymore and then like his body turned cold so fast and I was freaked out by it because like I couldn't hold this body like it would say it's not him it's he's not in there and then she put him on a gurney and I helped her carry him to the car and that was it like like what do you mean that's it and it took me a very long time to be so incredibly grateful for the fact that he showed me the signs before I went to work because I do not know what I would have done if I would have came home to a dead dog. I probably literally would not be alive and so I'm really grateful that he showed me and that I got to say goodbye and that I got to spend the time with him and allow him to have this type of death with at home with his sister and he was watercremated and you know so I was just really taken back and you know I let my job know what was happening obviously I had to call them that day and I wasn't able to go into work and I had to call out for that weekend and completely exhausted my PTO and that whole week was a blur I didn't eat I didn't sleep I barely drank water I definitely didn't shower me and Noley slept in his bed for the first few nights and even though two bodies occupied that bed it was so fucking empty and it's like now the apartment was like half the silence it was just such a mind-boggling feeling tonight here's tippy taps on the floor anymore it's for him to not follow me to the bathroom or you know for him to book at me because I was one minute after 5 p.m. with his dinner and it's like one less mouth defeat one less water bowl to fill and I didn't want I didn't want to exist I didn't I didn't know how to do life without him and every morning when I woke up from the very restless sleep that I had it was just like this can't fucking be happening like I'm in a fucking nightmare I felt like the rug was literally ripped out from under my fucking feet and I landed in the most hellacious nightmare anybody could imagine and my heart broke over and over and over again he was my safety he him and Noley both and so you know Noley started to become affected by that and I had to go to work still and because people don't get bereavement pay for pet loss and they barely get bereavement time when they lose a human and that's a whole other topic of frustration and grief but I still had to work and I still had to push through and you know I work for hospice and having to hold that space for people and myself now was so taxing on my body I was stuck my nervous system was absolutely stuck in fight or flight and it was not okay of having to push through and then worrying if Noley was doing okay because now she has nobody her whole life she had cane with her and now there's no one and you know she started pacing around the house a lot more and looking for him from room to room it was maybe the third day where I could see in her eyes this sadness where it actually sink in that cane was not coming back and while I feel like she knew what was happening when it was happening I just now it was just more solidified you know life went on even though my entire world completely stopped and you know just because I had to get back to it doesn't mean my inner world did not stop and shut down and so even going on walks I didn't want to go on the walks anymore I would carry his collar and the leash just to try to help my brain somehow and you know support groups and things like that like I looked into therapists to help me through the grief and talk therapy and support groups for me personally do not work I didn't feel supported in any way shape or form not from my job not from therapists very unprofessional therapists not from anything other than the people who showed up in my life and some shocked me and that's one thing when you go through grief and loss the people there's going to be people who show up where you had no fucking idea and then there's going to be people you expected to show up and they're going to fucking ghost you like Casper and never even like check on you and that's the the harsh truth of it all really but you know moving into February no Lee started to decline heavily she started having multiple accidents in the house you know bowel bladder everything just started to shut down she's continued to lose weight she wasn't eating she wasn't drinking and also you've got to fucking be shitting me this this this this is not happening again this soon. Even though I had a feeling it would, I wasn't prepared to go through that and to make that decision again. I work weekends and it was the weekend of February 6th. And I had to place, you know, pads down, trash bag, ripped up trash bags like to make barriers because like she just kept defecating and going in the house no matter how many times and she just I just I knew and it was on Sunday February 8th. I reached out to my friend Evan asking if him and his girlfriend were home if they could check on Noley because she hadn't been doing well at all and you know her breath started smelling like ammonia and I just I knew I was like okay, her kidneys have come to the final stage and she's not able to process any of this. She's not detoxing. She was vomiting and I just knew, know the process of kidney disease and you know he said that they were going to be going out of town in a couple hours and that they would check on her and let her out before they left and time went by and he reached out and said that she did not want to go outside and that's not like Noley like she didn't want to get up like she was just tired and you know he gave her love and I just knew I had to make this decision again and I was like God just let me please get through this shift and I will call the vet and I will make an appointment and Monday morning or Sunday night I didn't sleep Monday morning I woke up and I called her vet and even though my intuition told me what was happening I needed the vet to call me back to tell me I was making the right decision and she did and she said it you know it sounds like she's progressing we know she's not going to get better and you know she said given your profession and what you do you know the best way possible to to provide her a peaceful death. I was like mother fucker so then I asked her you know what's the process do I need to make an appointment is it something that you guys fit in and she said you know we squeeze people in we never turn people away in times of this and 2.30 Monday February 9th the last bit of my entire world was going to be gone and the same thing I did with Kane I did it with Noley I took her on a walk around the apartment let her be in nature you know just did like her favorite things one last time and we went over to the area where we would sit and watch sunsets and then we went and sat by the pond in my apartment complex and I just let her feel the sun on her skin one last time and just held her there and the same thing thanking her for all of the years she gave me love and wagged her tail and greeted me at the door and left all her furry little love notes all over the place and having to vacuum so many times sometimes multiple times a day but I didn't care and it when we were in the car I loaded her up I had to run back in and I I lost in one of my neighbors was outside and she's like are you okay and I was like no I have to put her down is she just hugged me and the love and support that I had from my neighbors even when Kane passed my neighbors that helped carry him brought me food and it's just it's just nice to have strangers just feel and just be present with you even if it's for a second and I went into the car and I just was like this is noley's last car right like she's not gonna be coming home and I had to call the another water cremation place because I didn't want the same place doing it that did Kane's and like I had to set that up and when you're grieving people should not be setting these things up like it's so important whether it's a human or a dog to have these things in place so that when it comes you already have everything set up and you don't have to think about it and you know I had noley wrapped in her favorite blankets and crying the whole way to St. Pete and I picked her up and I walked into the vet's office and I fucking lost it the woman at the front desk didn't say a word I was just sobbing and she waved over like for me to follow her so I could go into the private room and I just I didn't want to let noley go and I was sitting there in the room and someone comes and explains the process again and it's just like it felt like a fucking broken records like I've heard this already and like I don't want to hear it again and but I wasn't mean about it and I didn't say any of that I just it's like what the fuck and the vet was really really nice and she was like you know this is no rush and even though I did feel a little rushed like I knew they there was a time frame like they brought her back they gave her a sleepy shot and so that they could give her an IV and then they gave her um propa fall to help her sleepy and I know you know propa fall wears off and they didn't want like time to go by like I get it but in that moment I just like I vaguely felt rushed because I just like I wanted more time like I only had X amount of hours with her and it's like there's the 14 years with her was not enough and she was my first girl ever like my first baby and it's just like those memories of all the things you've been through with them start flooding your mind and it's that that attachment that you have to them and you know the the impermanence of life is staring you in the face and I just had her in my lap and the vet gave us a moment and I'm I'm sobbing just like saying I'm sorry and just because I felt so bad and you know the vet came back in and she was like you know a lot of things that pet owners do is apologize for making this decision for their pet but really it is the biggest act of love that we can provide for them because they can't talk they you know we can only see the symptoms and I expressed her how difficult it was to make this decision because Noli was wagging her tail she had somewhat of energy and she would always greet me and the vet gave me really wise advice of saying like that's a dog's job no matter what we do we could you know do the damnedest things and they're always going to be there wagging their tails and even in their sickest moments they're always going to wag their tails when they see us because that's the love that they have for us they can be completely suffering and that wouldn't matter other than you know it's my job to give my human love to to give my person love and she's like people making this decision it's the it's an act of love and that helped soften my heart just a little bit because I even was like fuck I didn't even want to do this with Kane and with him it was just like this has to be done there's no way around it and like I couldn't keep watching Noli pace the house vomit everywhere and you know her bells and her bladders just like she was suffering she she was done she was showing me like I can't I can't keep doing this and I imagine she felt grateful that I was able to have the courage to make this decision and you know I took that that breath that big inhale and exhale of like okay let's I'm ready and the vet gave her the medication and the same thing happened I just held her and I felt her sole leave her body and in my mind's eye I saw her reunite with Kane and they were these you know balls of energy light with like these I don't even know how to describe just like these trails of light around them and they were playing how they used to play when they were younger and it was just like what the fuck it's you know the beauty of of life and you know this physical realm and that they truly don't go anywhere that they're always here and I cried and cried and cried and you know the vet took her and they put her in this box and then we loaded the box up into my car And I drove to the water cremation and it was kind of funny because someone slammed on their brakes in front of me and then someone swirved over and I had to slam on my brakes and the box flew into the back seat and not that that's funny. It was ironic and comical because when they were alive that would sometimes happen and they would fly into the seat and I was like, oh what an ironic way of showing me that you're still here with me. And it wasn't a terrible like flying into the seat. It was just like the weight of the box went into the back of the seat and you know I took her unloaded her at the water cremation place and they asked if I got enough time with her and I was like, there's never going to be not enough time. And you know I opened up the box and they had her in there just so gentle and because I had to get her blankets out of it and they had her paws crossed and it was just like fuck like I remember the day she ran to my lap and now we're here and the thing that just like was so strange is like I'm going to come home to an empty house and I'm not going to know how to act like it's going to be so quiet. And when I tell you it was the loudest silence I've ever experienced in my entire life and you know the vet had suggested that I be on the phone with a friend while I walked into my apartment because it was going to be like a shock to the system and I reached out to my friend Devon and so thankfully he was available to you know be on the phone with me. I sat in the spot where Nolian I would see the sunset and the sun went down and I just cried remembering the times that we were there and you know he called and even though I was on the phone with a really really good friend it's I still felt it like I was sitting on the couch and I would look at their bed and then like look at their water bowl and I realized how much of my life revolved around them like it was their world I was living in and this constant routine for 14 years has now come to an abrupt stop and let me tell you when your routine gets knocked off and you're already in a nervous system that is in fight or fight holy fucking shit that is the gnarliest ride anybody can ever experience and you know that unconditional love just is gone now that constant rhythm of unconditional love of purity of having the worst day of my fucking life and being able to come home to two loving dogs was no longer there. I was truly alone for the first time in my life after 14 years and yes I've lived on my own plenty of times but I've always had the dogs and this was so foreign to me and my heart was broken and I didn't know how I was gonna put those fucking pieces back together and everyone's like oh time will tell no that is the biggest bullshit anybody can ever say to anybody is oh it just takes time it'll get easier no it doesn't fucking get easier and time really does not help because one day you're sitting there and then the next you check your mail and the vet sends you a fucking postcard that says oh they're due for their shots no no and you break down crying you break down crying and that's the fuckery of grief and you know leaning into grief and not ignoring it and not distracting yourself and you know getting curious about how what are the ways that I distract do I distract do I keep myself busy at work and that was the one thing that really upset me is that my job expected me to get right back in it and no what do you mean I gotta get back into it I I feel my feelings I'm not sweeping this under the rug because I know what happens when grief is suppressed it turns into disease and lung infections and just no that is not on my radar to be doing and life was tainted a hundred million fifty million different shades of gray I I definitely didn't know how to do life after that everything was foreign and you create this whole ass identity around having your dogs like now who am I without my dogs and it brings me back to the question that I never fully answered and I see now of the question that I was asked you know just intuitively of what does freedom look like to you I did this wasn't it this isn't what I expected freedom to look like my fucking dogs dying my soul dogs just blooping out of my life like I get it it was you know their time to go and make other families happy with wherever their puppy souls took them but that doesn't negate my emotions and you know grief is going to continue to hit me every time I dance every time I want to go take a walk in nature every time I do the things that I did with them because they were like my children it's going to remind me and I'm going to grieve and I'm so grateful that I have the tools and the resources that I do so that I can as gracefully as possible move with the grief because it's not going anywhere it's a lifelong partner lifelong passenger in this life and you know even when Kane first died everything I knew about grief went out the fucking window everything and I had to rebuild my tools in my tool belt to be able to make it through that and you know looking back now I'm really grateful that noley passed shortly after him because if that happened today it's almost like I would have healed just enough and then to have the rug sweeped out from under my feet again like the rug didn't get a chance to get put back after Kane died before noley did so you know I've found gratitude and a lot of this and I know they're not truly gone they're in another room and it's like as if I'm in my bedroom and we were at home and they're in the living room on their bed like I know they're there but they're I don't have to see them to know that they're there and it's the same thing when we die you know they're there they're just in another room and another dimension but they're they're we just can't see them and I forgot where I saw I mean I know I saw it on Instagram but I forgot who said it because I would love to give credit to them but it was just this beautiful perspective on grief and pet loss and just loss in general obviously depending on your beliefs and things like that but um yeah I I've learned a lot about grief and this journey and you know it's it's brought me to a depth where I feel like and now hold people even deeper through their grief like I said I thought I knew a grief was and God was like oh oh no let's let's show you what grief really looks and feels like because you know like I said my grandmother and my father passed but I didn't feel like this it was never this kind of love my dad was barely in my life and I really couldn't open up my heart to my grandmother because you know childhood things and so I didn't really have those attached those attachments but when you have something that has been with you every single day of your life for 14 years it's like losing a fucking child in my own flavor ever I believe I know exactly what it's like to lose a child and people listening to this like oh they're just dogs no no it's they were dependent on me and you know all the times I had to come home early or I had to make sure I had a dog sitter like it's literally the same thing as children they just don't need clothes and they don't eat as much and they don't talk back so that is my journey with grief and you know I hope this resonates with somebody that somebody can you know relate to it and while I truly do not like that people can possibly relate to this sort of pain. I'm grateful that there are people out there who get it because the people who don't get it, it's, you know, it can be difficult to have conversations with those people and truly feel supported and loved by them. So yeah, if anyone listening is curious about building a better relationship with their grief and healing their grief through an unconventional way, if, you know, you've tried everything and, you know, if talk therapy doesn't work for you and support groups and you just feel like it's very surface level and you're looking to find the healing or be with the healing component that grief does have to offer. Please feel free to reach out to me. And if my approach isn't suitable for you, I would love to be able to connect you to people who I feel may help you through your grief. And please like, subscribe, share, save these things, you know, all the things that help this podcast stay alive. And if you feel as though you want to be featured on this podcast and share your grief story with all of us, there will be an email at the bottom of the description for you to reach out and we can connect and I'll send you a form. And as always, it's a pleasure to have you guys here and we will see you in the next episode.