My Imposter Syndrome Has Imposter Syndrome

The following podcast is a deer media production. Okay guys welcome welcome welcome welcome to this week's episode. I don't think I really am at my wit's end right now with yeah I don't know if you're watching this you'll be able to see how uncomfortable I look and that is because I was trying to record this episode like I don't know 20 30 minutes ago an hour ago five hours ago time just all blends together when you're as frustrated as I've been today and I accidentally knocked over my camera which then fell and broke the cord that connects my microphone to my adapter so of course this sent me into an absolute crash out because I'm already frustrated I hate anything technical technological makes me just want to die. Anyway this happened and then my boyfriend was kind enough aka scared enough because he knows how I get to pick me up a new cord on his way over however this is the longest one they had at staples at few staples it's not long enough it's so short this is the longest one they had okay what are the other ones for ants are they made for ants because this one see you can see how I get a little bit worked out when things don't go my way anyway welcome to this week's episode of don't think which is a podcast for people whose brains never shut up and for people who can't fucking stand when things don't go their way and technological crash it today we're going to talk about something that I would rank in my top five favorite things to overthink about my brain loves bothering me about this almost every single day is actually no I would say every single day and that is feeling like I'm not good enough it's very timely to do this episode because I mean I do I feel this way every day but there are certain days for example today where I'm just like honestly I just want to quit I just feel like everything is going wrong literally trying to record this podcast episode I'm crashing out because everything's not working and then I'm thinking of myself what am I even doing this for nobody likes my fucking podcast now I'm not trying to be a martyr I'd be like what was me feel bad for me this is literally the whole point of this podcast is that you guys relate to my crazy thoughts which I want to say are irrational and sometimes incredibly overdone but right now it doesn't feel that way to me it feels very real but that's what imposter syndrome does to you my therapist recently suggested that I have imposter syndrome and I was like oh my imposter syndrome has an imposter syndrome it's so bad and she laughed I don't actually know she laughed or not I like to imagine that she did because she probably she must she thinks I'm very funny obviously therapy is not about my therapist helping me it's about me getting my therapist to like me and think that I'm successful and cool that's an episode for another time anyway this applies to pretty much every aspect of my life it definitely eats me alive most relating to my work and my career which I'm completely aware of who am I even talking to right now nobody will be listening to this episode because everybody hates me very I'm very very in my victim mode today and you're going to see that shine in this episode but again it's timely imposter syndrome it's not just something that you have when you're about to go to a job interview and you're like oh I'm not good enough for the job you know it affects every single aspect of every part of my life so my relationships my friendships my career opportunities that might come up or might not come up and even if they do come up it's because I tricked them into coming up and I'm not good enough and it won't it's all about how you feel about yourself on a day-to-day basis which for me and I'm guessing a lot of you since after all you're here with me the queen of crazy how we feel about ourselves day-to-day it's not always so great I can personally boil my imposter syndrome down to a two-prong disease okay so the first prong is the thinking I'm not good enough and by the way according to my therapist and probably other people in my life as well they're all wrong it's not just I'm not good enough my therapist recently said where you think you are versus where you really are is not even close the gap is it's a gaping hole so the two prongs hey thinking I'm nowhere near good enough in fact quite terrible and then be when somebody points out evidence to the contrary or even I find myself finding evidence to the contrary my immediate reaction then is oh well I tricked them and you might say numbers don't lie and I say numbers do lie for example my thought could be I'm not a good friend I can hear my therapist you would say but you have friends who were good to you who you think are smart reasonable people why would they be your friends if you weren't good to them oh will you see let me help you out there I tricked them I tricked them yeah and soon they'll realize the real me and they'll leave like everybody does another example could be I'm not good at podcasting my podcast is a failure my therapist would say didn't you have a really successful launch and you already have more listeners and most podcasts reach in their first few months and isn't the agency you work with really happy with you and I would say sure sure sure all of that on paper but I tricked them I'm not actually good they'll figure that out soon enough or maybe there's some sort of flaw in the counting system I don't know my brain is basically like this okay we've got two moods we have failure and we have impending failure there is no third option so it's like okay fine you can prove to me that I'm not failing in this exact moment but that's because a failure is just around the corner it makes it pretty hard to ever believe anything good about yourself it's kind of like you never ever believe that anything will go right but even when or if it does it immediately doesn't feel like a win because you convince yourself that it's probably just a coincidence or a trap or a trick and the next thing we'll just go back to going wrong because everything always goes wrong because yes again that's correct you're not good enough because you're not good enough it constantly feels like auditioning for a life that I did actually work for but rather than enjoying it constantly trying to figure out what's next because what I have isn't good enough and what's next will never ever work or be good enough either and that's another thing this is actually a huge part of the reason why I think I'm an overachiever and never actually happy with anything that I achieve or succeed in because I make these unrealistic goal posts for myself where I think if I can just do x, y and z then you know I'll have proved to myself and everyone else that I'm not a failure finally and then when I actually achieve that thing I don't even enjoy it for five seconds like not five seconds of success before moving that goal post and convincing myself well I'm still not good enough in a world of ever changing wellness trends and information what does it mean to truly be well I'm Ariel Laurie and I'm going to explore this with you through interviews with world-renowned experts in medicine nutrition fitness and even beauty I am bringing you candid conversations that will equip you with everything you need to live your best life and look good doing it think of well as your go-to resource for all of the latest in wellness and me as your internet bestie new episodes drop every Wednesday hope to see you there so I remember when I started on social media it was okay if I just get 20,000 followers on TikTok oh my god that'll be more than a novel be so happy okay then it's 50,000 then it's a million I have a mask an audience of about two million across platforms I've been able to quit my job I've been able to double my income and I can name all of these things to you I can sit here and I can write a list of the reasons why I should feel successful or I should be happy with where I'm at but I truly sit here coming to you from the most precarious place I've ever felt and I've never felt less stable I've never felt like more of a failure and I wish I was I wish I was exaggerating I'm not I feel like I could lose it all at any moment I do not feel confident in my future I do not feel confident that I won't fuck it up or that I haven't already fucked it up every piece of content I put out I feel that it's not good enough I think every other day that I've lost my touch I'm not funny anymore it's my flop era and again I told you I was going to be extra dramatic today because I'm really feeling it hard today perfect for this episode but it's it's hard it is and trying something new like this podcast when your confidence is already low it kind of feels like starting a marathon with a sprained ankle and everyone's yelling like be positive you can do it you've done marathons before it'll be great and that's people say you'll be great it'll be great and when you have a boss or syndrome it's hard to believe in yourself and it's hard to believe in other people who believe in you because you just think you know how do you know how do you know you know I've never been a podcast as before how do you know I'll be great and then again that voice I've tricked you into thinking I'll be great but I won't it's all a big trick something else I wanted to address I also think a big root of this for me because I was trying to think about like where does this come from why am I so obsessed with success but even if I am successful it never feels like enough and I think a lot of it comes from being a talented I'm trying to put talented and air quotes talented kid growing up even now I can't even give my child self a pat on the bag for being good at something putting the talent in air quotes but for me I was I would say a gifted child that was very good in school I always had the highest grades in the class my teachers wanted to put me in the program for gifted children whatever I did not end up going in it which may not come a steady surprise and I was also kind of like a child prodigy at piano I started playing on stage when I was 9 or 10 and adults were like holy shit she's incredible and I genuinely think that that kind of attention and praise at that age damaged me so much more than it ever helped me because when you're that young and your identity becomes the special kid the talented kid the prodigy you believe that's who you are forever right you you get used to it but then your age catches up to your talent and suddenly you're just normal good you're not jaw dropping good you're just like a girl who's good at piano and it's unbearable and I think a lot of athletes have this too you spend your whole child I wouldn't know about this because I'm definitely not an athlete but you spend your whole childhood being the star right and then adulthood hits and suddenly you're just one more hockey player or one more football player and your brain can't handle not being exceptional anymore so it's like you spend the rest of your life trying to recreate that feeling and failing and therefore you never feel good enough again and it completely warps your baseline for what good enough even means and I desperately want to believe that I don't have to live the rest of my life this way because what is the point of ever trying at anything or ever having any success in your life if you can never enjoy it because you think you're not good enough I mean you point out any single thing in my life that I have and I have the same look I'm not a good enough dog mom say to my boyfriend all the time oh poor herby I feel so bad for him he's like herby is a fantastic life you literally cater to him you you design your life around him so we never has to be alone okay but still not good enough I'm not good enough home keeper my host isn't tidy enough I don't have enough Christmas decorations up I'm not good enough for keeping it for a fitness routine I should go to the gym learn I'm not a good enough daughter I wish I could do more for my parents it's honestly quite exhausting and a little bit mundane at this point and the thing is like no one else cares or is thinking about it and that's honestly true no one else is thinking Carla's not good enough dog mom she's not a good enough daughter she's not a good enough piano but like nobody else thinks that so if we are the only judge of whether or not we ourselves are good enough I guess the question becomes how can we change our minds or even gaslight ourselves into believing that not all of the time but some of the time that we are fucking good enough honestly this is the part that I find the hardest because I have learned as I sit here and speak to you right now imposter syndrome is not cured by success if anything success makes it worse on paper the more successful I become the worse my imposter syndrome is and the bigger failure I feel like you could have told me two years ago three years ago where I'd be sitting right now and what I would have on the go and the following I would have or the opportunities I've had the income whatever and I would have just been oh my god I can't believe it that's that's unbelievable I can't wait that's going to be the best time of my life yet I sit here genuinely feeling like I'm not good enough in any aspect so the success doesn't fix it so what does imposter syndrome is fixed by rewiring reprocessing and repetition you literally have to train your brain like a toddler who keeps like running in front of school bus so some things that the research actually says helps is that you catch that I tricked them thought in real time and don't let it disguise itself as truth just literally catch it and go oh that's my brain lying again and separate feelings from facts I feel like a fraud I feel like I tricked them is not the same as I actually am a fraud and I actually did trick them I wrote this earlier in the week but it's so fucking hard for me to tell you guys this right now because every single thing I'm saying it aloud I can't actively apply it to myself that's how deep I am in this right now but I'll still go through the motions with you guys okay like here's what you guys should do to fix your imposter syndrome I won't work on me because I actually am not good enough okay so here's the other thing I wrote collect evidence like a little goblin all right like screen shots achievements messages analytics whatever because your brain will delete all of this unless you force it to look again and I'm not kidding you chat GPT is my best mate when it comes to this because I am op his ass 12 hours a day some days like how did my analytics compare to other people in the industry I need numbers I need stats I need hard facts because I do because my brain can lie to me all day long but the evidence the evidence does not lie and also we have to learn sometimes to try to sit in success for an uncomfortable 10 seconds because it's like as soon as something good happens I punch it in the face with it it's not fucking good enough or I'm gonna mess it up immediately so trying to enjoy something even as long as 10 seconds before punching it in the face and deciding that it's not worth enjoying because feeling good about something is not a prerequisite for competence just because I don't feel like I'm good at it does not mean I'm not good at it because the evidence actually shows that I am and here's another big one talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend I've said this in episodes about other things I know it's super cliche but your brain wants to believe that you were the exception to basic human decency you're not you deserve the same compassion you handle to everyone else imposter syndrome it doesn't just go away it's not just gonna flip a switch overnight you're gonna wake up and you're gonna be like you know what I am that bitch but it does get quieter if you can learn to recognize it as background noise instead of gospel which I cannot do today but tomorrow I will try again hopefully by the time this episode airs and I'm listening to it I'll be like mm-hmm I'm doing a little bit better I swear to god it's this goddamn season it's this goddamn rain it's this goddamn getting dark at 4.30 every single day so I have something to do with it if our brains can learn to bully us this badly they can also learn slowly awkwardly and stubbornly to shut the fuck up and let us live now I asked you guys what is the biggest lie your brain convinces you of and something that you're objectively good at but you gaslight yourself into thinking you're bad at it so let's hear from what you guys had to say for the don't think deep dive today okay let's hear from Andrew all right so honestly I think it's just every day mundane interactions with people whether it be the lady at the gas station or you know the dude at Walmart helping me find something every time I leave the interaction even though it went perfectly fine my brain goes you fucking idiot every time no fail don't know why but maybe that's just miss yeah that is so relatable I feel like that is part imposter syndrome and part social anxiety and part just being an anxious fucking mess no offense and real love you but like it's so relatable it's every single day I leave my I leave my apartment that's actually not true I don't leave my apartment every single day let's say every single time I leave my apartment there's a concierge it sits at the front the front desk downstairs in my building and I have convinced myself that they all don't like me except for one showed out to him he's a sweetheart but I've convinced myself that the rest don't like me in every single time I walk out I say hi to them I try to be really nice I go hi how's it going and they'll just be like oh that kind of ignore me and then I see them light up for the next person who walks by and every single time I tell myself well you know what if they don't want to be nice to me that's fine I'm gonna stop trying now every single time I go I you know backpedal and I go well I'm still gonna be nice and then as soon as I do it I say hi how are you and try to be nice and they don't respond as positively and chipper as I want them to which is probably nothing to do with me and everything to do with maybe they're just having a bad day or they don't like their job I don't know but every single time I walk away going you fucking idiot curly failed you suck at this you you literally can't even do this right everybody else in the building can get these people to like them and you can't what is wrong with you so again very relatable thank you Andrew let's move on to Rachel hi my name is Rachel I'm from Wisconsin in the USA I'm a chief resident of piatrics and literally every accomplishment I have feels like an obligation and every mistake feels like my true inadequacy coming through and every day I worry that the people around me will slowly begin to realize that I don't actually belong here despite being an incredibly high achieving over achieving person and it's great I love it it's the battle I fight every single day yeah okay first of all Rachel that made me feel better because if you feel this way then there really is no success or no achievement high enough that can fix imposter syndrome but you said something really interesting every mistake feels like the truth wow okay the mistakes define me and they feel like the true me where the successes and the winds feel like a fluke or a one-off or a coincidence or a I tricked them the mistakes when I'm failing when I'm not doing well that's the real me that's what it feels like you described that so well and I guess at the end of the day it's neither one of those things is really accurate are they like it's really just how you frame it unless you're 99% mistakes and 1% successes then yeah I think that that's fair but wow that gave me something to think about I'm like I should go reread the whole episode with that framing because that just makes so much sense but you know what Rachel you definitely are not inadequate jealous because I am let's hear from one more this is from Sam hey my name is Sam and I'm a touring concert content creator doing photo and video for some high level touring bands and what's weird about my job is that I'm always singing for my supper and I usually judge my self-worth based on how full my calendar is and stupid metrics like engagement and likes and comments on content I've made for other bands and what's weird is despite having quite literal data photo and video evidence that I'm doing okay when I get home from a tour or show it's just me in a dark room and that's when comparison comes out and that's when I'm just alone with my thoughts and I usually that's when impostor syndrome wreaks havoc and I think it's twofold I think it's one I'm going from these super high dopamine level areas to nothing at all I think the equivalent would be like if you went on a crazy vacation and then you had to go back to the office and you're like why do I do this and then the other thing is comparison so I think in impostor syndrome definitely likes to recapic in those areas and yeah have a great day thanks ham sam I actually thought brought I tear to my eye because I feel so I feel so seen right now like this is it's I could do I all I could think but was how you guys always tell me that my podcast makes you feel seen and that that message just made me feel so validated that I was like wait maybe this is why people listen to the podcast maybe I am doing something right yeah it just felt really good to to see my feelings so clearly articulated by somebody who clearly has a similar lifestyle in a way like I'm I'm very much facing my success off numbers and those numbers actually reflect to how much people like me or like what I'm putting out there and they're not just numbers that measure how much money I'm going to make or how the trajectory of my career it's a letterly like I'm refreshing a screen for a hit a dopamine that tells me am I likeable am I successful or am I a failure and what you said about being alone in the dark and that's when it really happens like that's my day every day so so it's totally true and and comparison comparison is not only the thief of joy it's the food for impostor syndrome it feeds it and it's it's exhausting it really is so I really do I think that's a good note to end on for me this isn't about you guys it's for me it's about me I want to say thank you so much as always for those Collins because not only were they fantastic but now you have helped me as well so I love you guys so much that's it for this week I hope this resonated in some way if it did please let me know I love hearing your guys thoughts with the show send me a DM send me a message whatever send me a speak page I just love hearing the feedback and only if it's good feedback of course because I can't handle anything negative thank you and please like rate follow review screamer from the rooftops that you love this show and yeah I love you guys thanks for joining and until next Thursday don't thank you much but if you do you know you're in the right place bye