My Emotional Inheritance

I'm 36 and about to start family therapy with my mom and dad in hopes of finding some healing and doing some repair work on a relationship. My question is, what does one do when harm has been caused in a relationship? And you know you're most likely not going to get the apologies you need or the repair that's needed to feel fully okay in that relationship. My dad kept a strong authoritarian parenting style, lots of lectures, lots of tone policing, and my mom was a bit more passive. The result was that I rarely felt in control of myself. I didn't have a voice. I didn't feel valued. And now as a 36-year-old adult, not much has changed in our dynamic. I see the ways this has affected me. I'm able to relate to my own relationships and the way I move through the world, and I'm working to heal and grow from that. Part of my growth ideally is to be able to bring this history of harm to my parents and say, when these events happened, this was the impact and this is the type of repair work I need to do with you to feel okay in this relationship. But what do I do when that hasn't been successful in the past? And it seems clear that I might never get the apologies or the repair that I feel I need. I don't want to cut ties with my parents, but I also need to get to a place where I feel enough peace to be in relationship with them. Your favorite fall flavors are back at Starbucks. The one and only Pumpkin Spice Latte and the deliciously smooth Iced Pecan Crunch Latte have arrived and are ready to sip all season long. Or find a new favorite at Starbucks.com. Or find a new favorite like the new Iced Banana Bread Latte that tastes just like fall in a cup. You can find your favorite taste of fall only at Starbucks. You can find your favorite at Starbucks.com. Welcome. Hi, thank you. Yes, yes, yes. I was reading and listening to your question and I just thought, ah, an anniversary. A first time. I took my parents to a therapy session, to a family therapy session with me. Now that's an event. So that's where we should start. Why? What about? How come? Why now? I mean, so yeah, I'm just starting family therapy with my own parents, which I'm really grateful for. And I think it's been a long time coming and I'm really hopeful. One of the biggest kind of questions I have is how I'm supposed to navigate a relationship with someone, my dad, who has these political values and beliefs that feel to me to be in conflict with a part of my identity. And it's a struggle for you, I understand. Is it also a struggle for him? Or is it a situation where you have a problem with someone who doesn't see what is the problem? I think it's a mix of both. I know that it is a struggle for him as well, because he desires to have a stronger or a strong relationship with me. And I desire the same. Okay. And he thinks, why are you making this so complicated? This could be so easy if only, you know, and you kind of put me in the wrong when there's nothing wrong. I love you as you are. What does my political views have to do with you and our relationship? Is it something like that? Oh, yeah. Yes, definitely. I think for him, why can't we just agree to disagree? Yeah, we're two people with different beliefs. But obviously, for me, it's, well, I don't know how to agree to disagree about a part of my identity. And that's where the disconnect is. And when you say a part of my identity? My sexuality. So I'm pansexual. And my dad, in terms of political affiliation, beliefs, values, he's very conservative. I wouldn't say he's religious, but he has some ties to Christianity, some kind of history, background in religion. And I know that really influences how he sees and moves through the world. But for him, there is no contradiction between his values or his beliefs and his love for you. That's right. Whereas for you, you see a duality. Yeah. You see an inconsistency. You see a rejection of you by virtue of what he believes. And it's not so much that he says, agree to disagree. It's that he says, I don't experience the conflict that you attribute to me. Yeah, I think that's right. And for some reason, it's not enough or it doesn't affect change in our relationship. When I try to bring up some concrete examples of how the way I move through the world, as a pansexual, is very different from the ways that he moves through the world as a straight man and how our experiences aren't the same. How was the first therapy session, first of all? And why now? The first therapy session was yesterday. And I have to say, I feel really proud. I think it went well. We have been to family therapy before. We have been to family therapy before, but very minimally. All three of us, me, my dad, my mom, we were able to say things that needed to be said. It felt like a good place to start. What's one thing that stood out? I mean, for me, it has always been very difficult to feel like I'm allowed or that I have space to express to them just anything I need to express. And that really stems from childhood and their parenting. And for me, I was able to show up last night and say some things that I have felt for a long time and that I've not necessarily been able to express verbally to them before. Can I ask you for a glimpse? Yeah. I mean, so my dad has always been an authoritarian and he would agree with that in terms of his parenting style from the time I was young through my teen years, my early 20s and beyond that. How many children in the family? There's four of us. I'm the oldest. So I was the guinea pig. But yeah, lots of lectures, lots of tone policing, which was really challenging. I often almost always felt like I don't have a voice. I don't have a lot of autonomy. I don't have a lot of control over my surroundings and my place in this family. And that exists even now in our family dynamic. So last night, I expressed what I think is like a core memory for me that I've never shared with them growing up. And what was the situation? The memory? In my childhood home where we grew up, my bedroom was at the end of a long hallway. And I don't know how old I was. I think I was probably in my early teens. I know it was a morning, a weekend morning, and I was sleeping. And my dad was, I think, playing with our family dog. And he was throwing a tennis ball at my bedroom door. And that's how I woke up. And he was doing that over and over. And I'm sure for my dad, he's just playing with the family dog. But the experience for me and the reason why it feels so representative of what it felt for me, this sense of I'm in this confined, space. I know if I open the door and say, hello, I'm sleeping. What are you doing? Why are you throwing this heavy object against the door over and over and over? I know that that would launch into a long lecture. I know my tone would be perceived in a way that was not okay. I know that I would have gotten in trouble. And so it was this feeling of I was woken up in this kind of crappy way. I have no control. I can't say anything. I can't stop it. And that feeling I carried with me all the time into my adulthood. And in some ways, I still feel that. I feel it in what feels to me like my lack of ability to say, hey, you know what? I'm pansexual and I don't vote for these people because these people want to strip me of my autonomy. And it hurts me that you vote for these people. It makes me feel unloved. Or when you do this thing, it has this impact on me. I still feel like that. that little kid who's stuck in her room with no voice, no control, no ability to do or say anything for herself. Very normal, very common. We go home, we regress. Yep. It's as if we just enter a whole persona and a whole set of patterns and relationships and behaviors that are very young. But then we leave and somehow 10 years grow inside of us as we go into the world. When you were talking to them yesterday, what matters to you more, if there's any priority, is the ability to say this to them, the ability for them to understand your journey, or do you actually want them to change? You're really calling me out here. I mean, if I'm being completely honest, yeah, the ideal is that I come home to visit them one day and they have a pride flag flying in their yard and they're excited to go to the pride parade with me and shout to all their friends and everyone on the street that they're my biggest cheerleaders and allies, right? And I say they, it really is mostly my dad. Where is your mom in the story? My parents are still married. I think my mom has always been a bit more passive, a bit less vocal about a lot of things, including her beliefs. Differential. He makes the statement and she's differential, but you actually, is one of the goals in therapy to actually also hear more of her? I would like that. What is your father? Father's stance toward you being out. Maybe that's the less about what, how he votes and more about how he responds to you. Is, does he pretend like it doesn't exist? Does he hide it? Does he integrate it as part of how he is in relationship to you? Kind of none of the above. He's never said to me anything indicating that he has a problem with it. I don't, even know that it's fair to say that he has an issue with my sexuality. He certainly has not said anything specifically to make me feel like he is an ally or that he is totally cool with it. He just doesn't say much about me, about this part of me. And that feels significant to me because he is so vocal about everything he thinks, everything he believes, everything he believes, how he feels. After I came out to my parents, you know, I think there was some conversations that took place about, you know, you're our firstborn, like you're my kid. I love you. I'd do anything for you. And so that feels supportive and positive, but he's never indicated like, I think this is great, or I am fully in support of, this specific part of who you are. The only kind of messaging, I guess I could say, about the way he feels about my sexuality is the way he votes. You know, it just occurred to me, he may be voting whoever he votes for, for 10 other reasons. This is just part of the package. And that you may have a more immediate, conversation with him. If you leave out, this is one way to do it. There's probably many ways to have this conversation, but this to actually leave out the politics, because there is a way in which you experience a disconnect in a place where he doesn't. And this is not about agreeing to disagree. This is really that we talk about a lot of things, and you are very vocal about a lot of things. And so it's often interesting to me that, if that part of me is kind of left outside, you know, it's been cut in the editing room, can we ever talk about that? How is that for you? But it's not a conversation in which you demand acknowledgement from the start. There's a part of you that says, I want a certain kind of acknowledgement from him about that part of me. The rest is probably there, but this piece is just part of me. And so I think it's important to have that conversation. Not included, and it is integral to who I am. And even if he said years back, you know, you're my child and you're my eldest, and I'll always be there for you. There's something I still miss, and I long for it, but I can't demand it. I can hope for it, and I can lead us together to it by, instead of fighting his contradictions, it's actually by embracing his contradictions. It's the opposite. It's you have the capacity to vote one way, be with me another way. And there is a way in which you handle separate parts in a very interesting way. And I'm curious about that, because he, in a way, is able to live with dualities more than you. You're more totalistic. This is who I am. I need acknowledgement of this whole thing. You know, if you feel this way here, you vote this way there. Things need to align. You're actually more unilateral. Interestingly, you know, you think you're more open-minded, but in his own way, he may be not open-minded, and you may have gotten something from him that you don't associate to him. Right. So it's kind of, how do you do it? You come to him with curiosity. I know there is longing. I think that has never really been massaged and united that you really hope for. But there may be a different way to get there that is less critical of him and more inviting. When I mean embracing, I mean inviting. I don't think you need to be a cheerleader of it, but there is an invitation. You know, I'm different from you. And at the same time, because you probably, you know, have more in common than peers. You know, so it's kind of, you're very important to me, first of all, because otherwise I wouldn't be going to therapy with you now in the hopes that we can create something. There's a kind of a closing of the loop that I've been waiting for, hoping for. And that comes from you. Your opinion matters to me a great deal. Your acceptance of me, your recognition of me, your embrace of me, would change my life. I'm taking you down a different path here because you've been in a trench, you know, you've been in one silo and I see how you've been, and you would like to extract this from him. And you're not going to get it like that. You're not going to pull that out of him. He's going to become more recalcitrant if he feels criticized. But if you actually tell him how important this is, he is to you. And that's why you're coming to him. Yeah. I mean, I think what you're saying makes sense. And I think he and I both desire to have a stronger relationship. That's clear. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be pushing for family therapy and he wouldn't be interested in agreeing to it. Has that been stated clearly? I think so. Said out loud as you just did to me. Yeah. We talked about it during our first session. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. you're a fan of the original pumpkin spice latte or ready to mix it up with an iced pumpkin cream chai the new iced pumpkin cream matcha or the new iced pumpkin cream shaken espresso you can find your favorite taste of fall only at starbucks and i think you know like listening to you share everything you just shared it's true like i i have been kind of stuck in this like one track like one thing that hasn't been mentioned that is probably relevant that he and i and my mom will need to work on in family therapy is my parents did out me to some of our family members they told me they were going to i begged them not to the messaging that they gave me was we need to break this news to your young children and i'm like i don't know what to do with that i don't know what to do with that i don't know what to do with that i don't know what to do with that i don't know what to do with this news to your young children and i'm like i don't know what to do with that i don't know what to do and that hurt like especially the framing of that and the the feeling that this thing that is like so core to who i am and really important to me and um to have that agency and power and to have someone forcefully reveal such a deeply personal part of who i am and tell me ahead of time we're going to have to work on because i'm still clearly dealing with some some pain around that so and you think your parents went and told your siblings what was the meaning of the of the message we need you kids to know what i mean part of it i think is my dad needing to feel and this is a thing that happens a lot but needing to feel like he has control over the narrative that he is delivering i don't know this challenging news or something like for me because it's about me it's hard for me not to see it as he thinks there's something wrong with this he doesn't want me to share this thing that's about myself with my younger siblings okay and have you ever checked that with him we've talked about it like this story the see what happens is we make meaning in our lives and this happened and you interpreted it a certain way and what is it 10 years later um yeah about that right 10 years later this narrative as in your narrative has never been checked or challenged either you decided that that's what it meant and that's what he did which may be the case but it's actually an opportunity to say when you told my brothers and sisters what was going on for you yeah we've talked about it a little bit like we've had that conversation probably not at the length that we will need to in the past when i've asked them like why did you do this why couldn't like these are my siblings that's not the same that's not the same okay you're not asking a question you're telling them i disagree with what you did because you betrayed me because you revealed my inner truth to my siblings without giving me the chance to own my own identity and my own self-revelation that's not a question yeah that doesn't mean it's not totally it's the way you experience it and it's it has such truth to it but the question is really something else what was happening for you did you feel that you needed to remain in charge of the family you don't even have to ask just sit with it and let him and see what comes kind of thing what was happening to you what what why did you it it seemed so important for you to be the the the people to deliver this message tell me more and then sit back and see because it may be exactly what you're saying but it may also be something different as you know we walk with this emotional inheritance and we decided that this is what it meant then and it's not just a matter of and and it becomes the pain we carry and sometimes when we have the opportunity that you have which is really i'm bringing my parents to family therapy and they're coming with me very willingly because we all would love to clear some of this debris between us then it's an opportunity to ask the questions that you've wondered your whole life and that you answered alone and have lived with alone and have made you feel more alone than you would like to feel in your own family with your parents yeah that's right fall is here and that means the pumpkin spice latte is back at starbucks it's the one we've been waiting for so whether you're a fan of the original pumpkin spice latte or not it's the one we've been waiting for so whether you're a fan of the original pumpkin spice latte or ready to mix it up with an iced pumpkin cream chai the new iced pumpkin cream matcha or the new iced pumpkin cream shaken espresso you can find your favorite taste of fall only at starbucks with share my trip from uber you can send your live trip location to the ones who matter most like dan and hannah who always wait up to make sure their daughter gets back to her college dorm room or tiffany who's running late as usual and her friends are tracking her trip to make sure she's actually on her way look she's right there she's three minutes away or sam who never goes anywhere without her friends and her friends are tracking her trip to make sure she's actually on her way without her roommate knowing exactly where she is some journeys are meant to be shared share your ride in real time with share my trip on uber one more way uber is putting safety at every turn learn more on the uber app do you want to speak with them together or separately sometimes i feel like my mom and dad come as a package deal i hear it that's why i asked a question yeah but they're so different i think i view them and speak about them as a package deal because that's the only way i've ever known them i think my mom has always kind of followed my dad's lead and that works for her and that works for them but they've always and only been one entity like they're not they're two for worse so i'm very much not used to having separate conversations with them it's not something that has happened very often maybe the perfect opportunity as you are sitting mediated in a therapy session to actually say these are differentiated conversations what i need to talk about with you dad is separate and they may be differently with you when they are not in this what you call package deal especially for her actually especially for her um is that his his voice resonates louder and she gives echo to his voice so you in in some way you don't enough know what she really thinks or feels but i want to go back to the thing we said before when you said i have been in one track and so um as i'm looking at it i'm thinking how do i get out of this and how do i get out of this and how do i get out of this how do how do you get to do this new conversations with them without going back to the same thing you've been doing but in a different context i'm going to do the same conversation but i'm going to do it in therapy and see if that's going to help me get to where i want to go that's an option but another option is what is it that i really want to have with my parents what do i want to experience here what what is it that i really want to have with my parents what do i want to experience here what do i want to change between us not how do i want to change them that's pretty tough it is it's tough you didn't ask me to make it easy for you i know it's so true um well i mean i can only control myself right and i think for a long time it has felt like i'm just banging my head against the wall trying to convince people around me to change so that our relationship can be better or so that i really it's like so that i can have an easier experience you do that with others too no just my parents the chosen ones the chosen ones that's right yeah you know i think a big factor that influences um is anger a lot of just a history of hurt and for me the experience with my parents has been when a lot of kind of crappy harmful things have happened over time with no space or ability to do any repair work it kind of builds and the result for me has been i feel angry and what that means is anytime something happens with them it's all dredged back up how big is the pail large so you accumulate yeah yeah and i i don't desire that for myself but no i understand But it intensifies your feeling that you're right and they are wrong and they have wronged you. And if I could just convince them. Yeah, but it has become a part of your identity as well. Right. Yeah. And it isn't fun or healthy, but I also think there's a piece that's like, I have to somehow figure out what I'm going to do for myself, even if I can't get the repair work or the apology that I feel like I need from them. What other parts are there to the repair work? I think it is the parts of my childhood that I feel like still linger in the ways that we communicate. Like I still don't feel seen. Or heard. I don't really feel like there's space for me. I don't really feel like they know me because for so long there wasn't space for me to express or for me to, I guess, freely be myself. And I'm not just talking about my sexuality. I'm just talking about anything, everything. Can I? I don't feel seen or heard or known. And that's because of me. I don't feel like I'm part of them or I realize that I, too, have found it more difficult. And it may have exactly to do with outing and not outing. I mean, as I kept certain things inside, I kept other things inside, too. So I experienced this, but it's not just because that's what they did to me. I'm not by any means like choosing to hold back. Or to not allow myself to be known by them. I think it's like the lectures and the not having autonomy, not having a voice as a kid sort of morphed into my teen years where it was more of that. And then by the time I got to my 20s, it was I already don't feel known or seen or heard. So I'm just going to do my own thing. And we've just been in that cycle. But like as I've. I've grown into my adulthood and I've created this life for myself. As time goes on, I feel more and more disconnected from them and more distant from them. Can I ask you what it's like for your siblings? How much this is unique to you versus familial? My three siblings are in a lot of ways, a lot like my mom, pretty passive. I am a lot like my dad. We already know that. And so I think for my siblings, they they seem to be pretty happy, just like not making waves. I feel like more of a disruptor. And I think because of that, my relationship with my siblings, I create conflict or tension or maybe discomfort for them. I recognize that in times when I've shared these types of things with them, they understand. But I think my siblings are just much. Much more content with kind of keeping the peace. It doesn't get to them the way it gets to you because they're not competing with him. Which you do more. And the image I had is like, imagine you're listening to music that they completely don't relate to. You would just simply not share that music with them. You'd say, I listen to music that you people find, you know, very unpleasant to the ear. But. That doesn't create a disconnect. It creates a difference. And part of what you're describing is that there is a challenge between you and particularly with him, where every difference becomes a reason for disconnect. And so, you know, here's the question which I can imagine you would have or I'm imagining for you. There's a part of you. There's a part of you that really wants him to come your way. And you feel in some way he wronged you. And the repair is in part you want him to accept this and to acknowledge it and to apologize for it. You're realistic enough to know that that may not happen. So you're trying to think, well, what can I expect and what can I do once I don't get that apology? But that's part of the same track you've been in. It's actually still in the same story. OK, now I get it that I may not get what I've been wanting, but I still expect the same thing. And he may or may not, you know, he may or may not, but it doesn't really involve a change of you, because there's a part of you that rightly so understandably so says, why should I be the one? To try to be understanding of him. Because that's, of course, where I'm going to suggest we go rather than him be understanding of me. You know, partly I grew up and I am accepted by the way that he knows how to accept me. And I have to live with the acceptance that he does that in a partial way. And I actually don't want partial. I want totalistic. I may not be Republican, but there is a certain dogmatism inside of me, too. We are similar. We just happen to vote on the other side of the spectrum. It's not like I am more nuanced. I want total acceptance and recognition and be seen and be heard, you know, and he's a smart guy, you know. So it's to say to him. How do you do it? How do you see me and love me while at the same time you think that you vote for this, you don't agree, and yet you're completely there for me. If I ever need you, there would be no discussion how much you would show up. And I know that. Yeah, it's true. I do know that. And he has. All right. And that needs to be highlighted, too. Because me, for some reason, I'm the one struggling. With this either or. If you recognize this, you can't also think that. If you love me, you cannot, you know. That may have to do with how I experience your lecturing at me. But I know that there's a certain part of intransigence inside of me. Everything you're saying is really resonating with me, even if it's challenging. I know it's challenging because there's also a part that says I'm the underdog. I'm on the victim's side. Why should I, you know. And there is. There is, of course, a reality to that. True in society. But in the context of your family, it actually is not exactly what has happened. Your dad is a traditional man who has a complete sense of what it means to be in charge of the family. And to be. He was going to make sure that the discovery of your identity was not going to throw the family into a disarray. And that's his mandate, you know. So it had coherence to it. Even. Even though it felt like a betrayal of you. And at this stage, it's also about you actually understanding who he is. And that in my family, we have profound disagreements. See, it's the opposite. We have profound disagreements. And despite those disagreements, we manage to really hold each other dear. When you frame it that way, it's really beautiful. Does it resonate? Because beautiful is fine. But it needs to feel true and authentic to you, right? It does. It really does. I mean, a minute ago, you mentioned just this idea of showing up for one another. And my dad is the first person I would call if my car broke down or if I, you know, were in some sort of bind. Because I know that he would get on a plane and be here. And in that moment, none of his different beliefs. Systems, values, views about my sexuality would have the slightest importance. And this is actually really beautiful in a family. Is that people grow up and become different, have different values, different lifestyle, different sexual orientations. In which sometimes the other people may or may not be cheerleaders of that part. No, they may not go with you to pride. Yeah. But they'll fly from wherever they are at the, you know, without having to ask twice. And you see this as a problem. And I understand how you see it as a problem. But I also see it as actually a strength of your family. And first of all, I thank you for coming to me and saying, I'm stuck. I've been wanting something and I'm kind of digging my heel. In this particular way, I present my dad as the rigid one. and the authoritarian one and but i'm actually in my own version i have a certain kind of all or nothing dogmatism inside of me that's not what you said but you you are open to hearing it and to say you know is there another way for me i know what i want but is there another way and i hope that you got a beginning of another way i think i did good very good thank you thank you so much my pleasure this was an ester calling a one-time intervention phone call recorded remotely from two points somewhere in the world if you have a question you'd like to explore with ester could be answered in a 40 or 50 minute phone call send her a voice message and ester might just call you send your question to producer at esterperel.com where should we begin with ester perel is produced by magnificent noise we're part of the vox media podcast network in partnership with new york magazine and the cut our production staff includes eric newsom eva walchover destry sibley huete katana sabrina farhi eleanor kagan kristen muller and julian hatt original music and additional production by paul schneider and the executive producers of where should we begin are ester perel and jesse baker we'd also like to thank courtney hamilton mary alice miller jen marler and jack saul your favorite fall flavors are back at starbucks the one and only pumpkin spice latte and the deliciously smooth iced pecan crunch latte have arrived and are ready to sip all season long or find a new favorite like the new iced banana bread latte that tastes just like fall in a cup you can find your favorite taste of fall only at starbucks your favorite fall flavors are back at starbucks the one and only pumpkin spice latte and the deliciously smooth iced pecan crunch latte have arrived and are ready to sip all season long or find a new favorite like the new iced banana bread latte that tastes just like fall in a cup you can find your favorite taste of fall only at starbucks Thanks.