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My Child Won't Stop Comparing Themselves to Their Sibling

15m 43s

My Child Won't Stop Comparing Themselves to Their Sibling

This episode of the "How Not to Screw Up Your Kids" podcast addresses sibling comparison, explaining what is really behind it and offering three practical tools for parents. The host, Dr. Mary Hann, explains that when children complain about fairness over biscuits, bedtime, or devices, the surface argument is not the real issue. Underneath, they are asking whether they are valued, seen, and getting enough of what matters most. Comparison is a normal human behavior, and siblings serve as the most immediate measuring stick children use to understand their place in the family. Because a flooded brain cannot process logic, parents must first help empty the emotional bucket. The first tool is naming what the child is actually asking by acknowledging the feeling beneath the complaint. The second tool is offering equity rather than equality, giving each child what they need instead of identical treatment. The third tool is helping children measure themselves against their own past self rather than their sibling, building a strong individual identity. Dr. Hann recommends starting with one tool and practicing consistently, noting that consistency trumps novelty. A free printable phrase card is available in the podcast library.

Transcription

2714 Words, 14648 Characters

English
Speaker 1she's got more than me it's not fair he always gets to why does she have a bigger piece you love him more it's relentless isn't it every interaction with a sibling becomes a competition every outcome gets measured compared contested and you're exhausted because no matter how carefully you try to be fair it's never fair enough and you're starting to wonder whether your child is actually going to be like this forever today i'm going to show you and explain what they're actually asking and give you three ways to answer it this is the how not to screw up your kids podcast the bucket emptying episodes i'm your host dr mary hann so pour yourself a cuppa find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation this episode is about sibling comparison what's really behind it and what to do when your child won't stop measuring themselves against their brother or sister now if you have listened to thursday's conversation with katherine carr this is the companion and i really would encourage you if you've not yet done so to listen to it because her book is incredible and is incredibly well researched and documented and it provides such an incredible framework not only in terms of our children and their relationships as siblings but also how that then feeds through in terms of their adult life and so it's incredibly informative not only when we think about our children but as us in terms of siblings and also if we have colleagues at work and it helps explain quite a lot of the things that we're talking about and it helps explain quite a lot of those dynamics so i would definitely go and listen to that one this episode is the companion this is the sort of the daily reality version because the research katherine talked about is fascinating but at some point you're going to be standing in your kitchen or somewhere else and someone is going to be furious about a biscuit and you need something to actually do i don't know if you can hear that rain is absolutely chucking it down as i'm recording this episode so please feel free to find it somewhat thoroughbred and i'll see you in the next episode anyway being a bit distracted so let's go back to this idea that you are standing in your kitchen and someone is furious about a biscuit and you need something to actually do so here's what's happening when your child compares themselves to their sibling when everything is it's not fair and she got more their bucket is full but it's full of something that isn't actually really anything to do with the biscuit or the bedtime or whatever it is that appears it appears to be about that they're arguing and comparing about the bucket is full of a question that they can't quite articulate and that question is am i valued here am i seen do i get enough of what matters most in this family so comparison is is really a human thing we all do it all of the time and it's how children check they use their sibling because it's the most immediate person that's present all of the time as a measuring stick not because they're greedy or ungrateful but because they're trying to work out where they stand in your family and as an individual that then informs them in the wider context of their wider world but the comparison happens first at home and when the bucket is full of that feeling of that it's not fair that it's not fair feeling and they're not quite enough for you to be able to they can't hear logic they can't hear yes you did get the same amount they are flooded and a flooded brain needs to be emptied before it can take anything in so my tips here are three things that you can do and i'm doing them again as i've done in previous episodes the order matters so there are three tools and i guess the notion is if you're struggling with this i would recommend and encourage you to start with tool one and then you can start with tool two and then you can start with tool one then layer on tool two and then layer on tool three so let's start with tool one is name what they're actually asking so the first thing to do before you explain before you try and justify before you literally get the scales out to prove that the portions are identical and weigh the same i want you to name the feeling that's underneath the complaint because let's remember that the complaint is is the surface what we really want to do is to name the feeling that's is get to the root and that's often what this is all about so you know instead of responding you got the same or that that's not true i treat you exactly the same those are in lots of ways are the are the answers to the surface argument that they're presenting that the surface complaint but the surface argument isn't the point so instead try this something like this make them into your own words these are my mary hannisms and the way that i would approach it but use your own language so it sounds like you're feeling like you're not feeling like you're not feeling like you're not getting enough of me right now or i hear you it feels really unfair or you're feeling left out like she got something you didn't or he got something that you didn't so something along those lines where what we're really doing is we're not trying to get into this argument about their complaint but really trying to get under the hood get right underneath and respond to the question that they're really asking not that scratch surface bit so that's all we're doing we're not agreeing that it was unfair we're not going to try conceding to the argument what we're doing is naming the emotional experience that our child is going through that is underneath it and here's what that does it moves the conversation away from the biscuit or the bedtime or the device or the rule which is arguable you know and goes nowhere because we end up with this circular argument and instead it moves it to the feeling which is real and which we can actually do something about and the moment they feel heard the bucket starts to empty a little their guard comes down and now we can actually talk so that's tool one name what they're really asking tool two is around equity not equality now you do not do this bit in the heat of the moment we do this once things are calmer when once their karma there's a reframe that's worth offering again do it afterwards so because what we do then is if it's in the heat of the moment they can't really hear us because we're asking their logical brain to be active and obviously when we're in emotional brain the logical brain goes offline so what we try what we typically do and we do this all as parents it's almost like this trap that we fall into is that we try to treat our children equally same portion same bedtime same number of minutes and it never works because children aren't the same and they're not the same and they're not the same and they're not the same and they're not the same and they have fundamentally different needs different ages and stages and different things that are going on in their life that they may or may not need support with so when we try to make everything identical of course it doesn't feel fair to them because it isn't designed around them and their unique needs at that particular age and stage it's designed instead around an idea of fairness that doesn't account for who they really are so the shift that i'm going to ask you to consider about equity not equality is saying things so you might present it in this sort of this sort of way and again use your own words we don't give everyone exactly the same things because everyone needs different things what i try to do is give each of you what you need yeah or you can say something like what do you need from me right now now that last question what do you need from me right now is really important one because it's a really important because it stops the comparison which is always about what the other person has and instead we turn it back to that child what do you need from me right now not what did she get but what do you need and children who feel seen as individuals rather than part of the pack in those moments and not part of that you know that pair where they're arguing about being mistreated or treated because the question they're asking really under the hood that we talked about you know what's what they're really asking then gets answered directly so that's tool two so tool one is this name what they're actually asking tool two is about equity not equality and tool three is give them their own yardstick so what does that mean so this is the deeper work that is going to take some time but it is worth starting on this week as part of the tool kit that you're going to be developing and it's helping your child measure themselves against themselves rather than against their sibling remember this idea as human beings we have this tendency to compare ourselves all of the time we do it we do it as adults our children do it when we're talking about siblings the easiest comparison the hands-on omnipresent comparison is always going to be your sibling because every time you come home they're there and so what we want to try and do is we want to gently redirect their comparison so we might say things like the only person you need to compare yourself to is the you from last week or the you from yesterday what's got better yeah she's on her own path you're on yours let's talk about yours he's on his path his own path you're on yours let's talk about yours so it's that reminder now and this the reason why this takes time is because we are really helping our children understand the core level of who they are as an individual and that takes time it isn't something that happens overnight and even if you're not in the midst of lots of sibling comparison I think these are great statements great questions great conversations to be having with our children even from the get-go and alongside that what we want to give them are things that are just are just theirs now Catherine Card did talk about this idea of distinctiveness and niche that children often do is that if you've got a child let's say who's already capitalized on a niche of ballet or football quite often the next sibling that comes along wants to find their own unique niche and that's that's a theory and so that can play out often within families and so what I'm suggesting here is about helping them find something that is uniquely theirs but that doesn't mean at the exclusion of the same thing so one of the examples that Catherine gives in the book for example when we talk about football is that you can have two siblings that we know that's part of their identity because that's genuinely what they love but one may well be sort of really in the defensive side of football and the other one might be offensive so don't feel that when we talk about helping them find a hobby that's theirs alone and something that they enjoy that it is mutually exclusive that they can't be doing something that their sibling also does whether that's creativity artistically they'll have their own unique slant on that and we can help that distinguish that niche and that differentiation through the language that we use about it as well rather than using generic so we want to kind of create that uniqueness and help them understand what makes them individually them and maybe we might have a specific ritual that we do with just them whether that's just 10 minutes the same time each week just the two of us what we're trying to remember here is that we want is that we're creating something that they don't have to measure against anyone else because it simply isn't about anyone else but about them because children who have a clear sense of their own identity who they are and what they're good at what they love typically compare less because they're coming from those solid foundations of this is me i've got that real sense of identity and certainly if you are interested in exploring this further beyond simply looking at siblings then do look up the becoming me series of podcast episodes i did one general one and then i've done one specifically at different ages and stages the lessons one is the only one that i've not yet at the time of recording released yet but that is coming out but that sense of identity is a really crucial part because what they're doing when they've got a strong sense of who they are and then they're doing that comparison less they're then less reliant on the sibling relationship to tell them who they are and where they stand because they already know because they've developed that inner sense of self now what i would encourage you to do with these three tools is maybe don't try all three at once pick one and if you're in the middle of a biscuit argument right now maybe start with that one as your first one name what they're actually asking just that notice what happens when you move the conversation from the biscuit to the feelings and i think it'll probably surprise you so just work at your pace it with the one area that the one tool that you want to keep practicing because consistency really trumps novelty when it comes to using tools from your toolkit now this week's free resource which you can find in the podcast library is a quick phrase card for sibling comparison moments what to say at each stage from the heat of the argument to the calmer conversations afterwards it's short it's printable and you could put it somewhere that's useful on the fridge or wherever you might find it to access the free resource you simply need to head over to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library now if you already have given your email address you'll have instant access to all of the resources across all the podcast episodes so far if not then by all means go to that link and then pop your email address in and you'll then have instant access to those and just to give you a bit of a flavor or what might be coming up on thursday i'm talking about adhd in girls why it presents so differently from the classic picture why it's so often missed and why it's so often missed and what parents need to know if you've ever had a niggling feeling that something's is going on with your daughter that nobody's quite put their finger on this one is for you now if this episode was helpful please do leave a rating or review it makes an enormous difference in helping other parents find the podcast and if you know someone in the thick of the sibling wars right now maybe send this to them thank you so much for listening i'll see you on thursday and until next time they're not fighting about the biscuit they're asking if they matter

Podcast Summary

Key Points:

  1. Sibling comparison is a relentless competition where children measure every outcome against their brother or sister, leaving parents exhausted from trying to be fair.
  2. When a child complains about fairness, the real question underneath is whether they are valued, seen, and getting enough of what matters most in the family.
  3. Comparison is a normal human behavior that children use to figure out where they stand, and siblings are the most immediate measuring stick available.
  4. A flooded brain cannot hear logic, so parents must help empty the emotional bucket before reasoning or explanations can work.
  5. Tool one is naming what the child is actually asking by acknowledging the feeling underneath the complaint rather than arguing about the surface issue.
  6. Tool two is offering equity rather than equality, giving each child what they need instead of identical portions, bedtimes, or rules.
  7. Tool three is giving each child their own yardstick so they measure themselves against their own past self rather than their sibling.
  8. Children with a strong sense of identity and uniqueness compare less because they are not reliant on siblings to define who they are.

Summary:

This episode of the "How Not to Screw Up Your Kids" podcast addresses sibling comparison, explaining what is really behind it and offering three practical tools for parents. The host, Dr. Mary Hann, explains that when children complain about fairness over biscuits, bedtime, or devices, the surface argument is not the real issue.

Underneath, they are asking whether they are valued, seen, and getting enough of what matters most. Comparison is a normal human behavior, and siblings serve as the most immediate measuring stick children use to understand their place in the family. Because a flooded brain cannot process logic, parents must first help empty the emotional bucket.

The first tool is naming what the child is actually asking by acknowledging the feeling beneath the complaint. The second tool is offering equity rather than equality, giving each child what they need instead of identical treatment. The third tool is helping children measure themselves against their own past self rather than their sibling, building a strong individual identity.

Dr. Hann recommends starting with one tool and practicing consistently, noting that consistency trumps novelty. A free printable phrase card is available in the podcast library.

FAQs

They are not being greedy or ungrateful; they are trying to work out where they stand in your family and whether they are valued and seen. Comparison is a normal human way to check their place and identity.

Name the feeling underneath the complaint instead of arguing about the surface issue. For example, say, 'It sounds like you're feeling like you're not getting enough of me right now' or 'I hear you, it feels really unfair.' This helps them feel heard and calms the emotional brain.

Children have different ages, stages, and needs, so identical treatment often doesn't feel fair to them. Instead of equality, aim for equity: give each child what they need, and ask, 'What do you need from me right now?'

Gently redirect their comparison to themselves, such as 'The only person you need to compare yourself to is the you from last week.' Help them develop their own unique identity and interests, which reduces their reliance on sibling comparison.

No, pick one tool and practice it consistently before layering on another. If you're in the middle of an argument, start with Tool 1: name what they're actually asking. Consistency matters more than trying everything at once.

The real question is often 'Am I valued here? Am I seen? Do I get enough of what matters most in this family?' The surface complaint is just the tip of the iceberg; addressing the underlying feeling is what helps.

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Transcription

2714 words