My birth story: redemptive labor and delivery after loss

- We're back and we have a new addition to the family. - I can't believe it's here. - It was such a long road to get here. - Literally every day I was like today's the day, Abby. - I was not helping your mental game on it truly, it's today. - I had spiked a massive fever. And I literally was shaking and couldn't stop. I was like, I have been years on. - You're gonna break. (laughing) - Seeing life and death and holding it in my arms in less than a year. - My perspective on life is bigger because of all this. (upbeat music) - Welcome back to Always Here. - Welcome back, Abby Howard. - And Abby Howard. - And Abby Howard. - And the third co-host. - Little Fisheries here. - Oh my gosh, I literally came believe it. Sometimes I was just like, I'm like, oh, there's a baby. - No, I can't, he's so sweet. - You guys, a lot has happened since I've been here and also shout out to Abby and Abby and our friends Katelyn Val for holding down the floor. I honestly feel so much better a week out to like feel so much better to like, you know, talk, have the lights off, have the cameras on. Like, first of all, it's always easy to just talk with you guys. But then like I feel so much better one week after giving birth in one week before giving birth. I was like, I was like, I cannot show up on the internet one more time. - Oh, I know. - It's done. - Yeah. - And so we're back and we have a new addition to the family and I just, I'm so excited to just fill you all in. - I can't believe he's here. It really felt like such a long road. - It was just such a long road to get here and like, and then just kept the fell longer, longer. - I felt annoying, honestly. Like I was like, I might have a baby before I see you next, then I would see them like, 18 more times and they're like, girl, hang tight. - It's not happening. - Literally every day I was like, today's the day, Abby. - I was not helping your mental game. I was like, truly it's today. You're not making it past tomorrow for sure. - Yeah, I was like three weeks, three weeks later. I feel like every day I was kind of, I did at one point like, we was hope. I was like, I'm just not, it's not. It hits actually, I'm just gonna be like this forever. I'm stuck, it's stuck. - Which is so dramatic because 40 weeks is your due date. - Sure. - How did I seem to forget that? But, you know, you're all these stories. - Well, you just get hopeful. - I was just excited, okay? - Yeah. - I was like, they're like, just let your baby cook. And I'm like, no. - But you also wanted to be back. So you're like, don't cook too long 'cause you're gonna get big. - Yes. - And bigger, and bigger, and bigger. - And it did. - And it did. - I was incentivized to keep 'em a little bit tiny. And when I say tiny, I mean average. I don't mean like seven pounds, seven pounds. - Right. - But we'll get to that. - We'll talk about that. - We have a lot to fill you in on, but we are here to share the hope in the heart with heart and humor. And obviously, I feel like my hope is just so obvious. Baby boy, queer, healthy, happy. I feel really good. And I just feel like I have actually just been like, literally Matt found me in the playroom. He went on like a quick run, and he came back and I was like nursing Fisher in the playroom and both boys were playing. And I was crying. He's like, oh my gosh, like, you know, he's like worried. And I was like, I'm just so happy. - Oh. - And I was like, this is my dream. - Yes. - And I feel like that I have that moment like a million times every single day. Like I'm just so happy. And like, or I'll be in the car with all of them. Like we have three boys, this is crazy. - Yeah. - And so I was like, Matt, this car was a lot of kids now. (laughing) I'm telling you, sometimes it does feel like that. When I am like boob trapped and there's chaos in the city, I'm like, this is a lot of kids. - There's, yeah, I know. - That's a lot. - I know. I still think we grew up forced frank and there was a real four kids in front of us and we were like counting their heads. We were like, that's sizeable. That's a lot. Wow, that's a lot. - Or like I said, the hope is obvious. Also just a little caveat. If I start just like not making any sense, just, I mean, keep listening. (laughing) Look at him back on track. I feel like that was the first four months of the podcast for me. I was like, I don't even think my thoughts are making sense. I can't conform any sentences. - I wasn't like doing much yesterday, but at one point, I was like, Matt, I just feel like super overwhelmed. I just feel like, there's just like, I just think that there's a lot to do. He's like, okay, well like what? I'm like, we didn't unpack our hospital bag. And he's like, that's one thing. - That's one thing. We can tackle that. - Yeah, I know. It's the little things that it gets you're like, 'cause I'm really pestering. - To be able to take it to me. - I was gonna say, I feel like you, I just assume coming into a house when you're a postpartum, there's a lot going on. I think I assumed, oh, they're gonna be overwhelmed or like just going through it. But I feel like there's this breath of just relief in the air and just peace and joy. I know. I know me too. I think about it, I'm like, emotional. But it's just so sweet. - Yeah, no, that's exactly what it feels like. And so it just feels like the most insane side of relief, like ever. And so like, obviously like my heart is like, I'm tired, like, boohoo. I'm like, I'm so happy to be tired. Because like, there's been a lot of other reasons that I've been sleepless, you know? So this is a really good reason. I'm very grateful. And so like, literally all my tears have basically just been like, tears of joy. I'm just so happy. And I really don't want to cry. This early on. - Sure, no, I know a cry later too. - I really don't cry that much because I sobbed on unplanned yesterday. And I was like, wow, that's a lot for the internet. - I don't think you cried that much. - Really? - Yeah. - Like, sorry to get ahead of you. - That's a week to tell. - That you know it's crying. - You need to go sleep. (laughing) - That's some blood vessels. - My eyes were like hurting. (laughing) 'Cause you're trying to hold it in. You're like, I can't sit. - No, that's it, too much effort. - Yeah, it's like all the pressure of your head. - Yeah. - So yeah, I'm a little sleepy, but not too. - Yeah. - But I honestly, like, I'm like, I love waking up in the night. I love, I literally love all of it. So I'm like, no problem. - Aww, that's the best. - But, Abby's like, we're preparing for this episode. She's like, I'm just not gonna talk. And I'm like, no, please, don't do it. 'Cause you have good ones. - Okay, well, let me talk about my heart. I feel so goopy going like off the conversation of obviously, Fisher and Birth and then going back to it, but I'll share in the most stuff. - It's a great story. - And I love it. - I love it. - Your heart is that you're tired. My heart is that my dog ate an entire diaper and had to go to the emergency bed. And we need to eat a diaper. Let me set the scene. My dog, I talked about it a lot of time. He's a hundred pounds. He's a lab ridodle. He is a small bear. He's a massive dog. And in the case of this, context of the story, I was like, this is a wild horse. - He's a wild horse. - Was a pro. Yeah, this was actually played in his favor. If you have a, I'm like, okay, they get a really small dog where they can't reach anything. And if they eat something bad, you can just give them a little hydrogen peroxide and make them throw it up. - Okay. - Okay, so that's like the other option, or you go our option, you get a massive dog that gets into everything, but it doesn't phase them. - Okay. - Okay, he can-- - I feel like he gets diarrhea a lot. - Yes, but that's the user of the extent of it. (laughing) But in those middle dogs, if this happened to a dog, pretzels eyes, I think pretzels would've had surgery, okay? So, it's 6.30 in the morning. Joyous time of the morning, I wake up. I'm like, Leo, let's go potty. Let's eat your breakfast. I let him outside. I have trash sitting at the back door. I'm going back inside to get more trash. I'm gonna take it out to our trash cans. I come over. Leo has had pod the trash open. And he was chewing. I saw on one of CJ's diapers. CJ has, it's like one of his overnight diapers. It was full of pee. The diaper was fully expanded. Size five, diaper. - Pogging out the trash. - Like he ripped the bag open. - Oh, okay. - Okay, and went in and reached out and just grabbed this diaper out of it. And I'm, oh no, Lewis, come here. No, come here, Lewis. No, come on. No, you know, I'm trying to get him. And I'm ready to take some breath and turf. Come on. And I get my hands on his mouth. And I'm opening his mouth. His jaw's, yeah, I'm like getting his jaws open and he's spiting me. I'm like, no, come on. So we're literally like the alligator and I'm like trying to cry the jaws open. And yeah, he decided to take his opportunity and go, and just swallow the diaper. Hold down his throat. And I'm literally, I see this. It's in my hands. I'm looking at it and I just in my dead pant face. Just looking at like, what did you just do? - Okay, but if he was a dog pretzel size, pretzel couldn't swallow that big. - That's true. I literally was like, you're a snake. You have a fool. (laughing) And buddy expands around this massive diaper. - It probably did. - This thing was so thick. I don't even know how it got down. How he didn't choke on it. The whole thing full just falls right down his gullet and he starts choking. He's like, and so then I'm like, get off the turf. Don't puke on the turf. Get off the turf and try to push him into the rocks. It's a whole scene, okay? Where's your kids? - In their room, thankfully. - Oh, okay. - So this happens at like six or eight. And I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna ride it out. Maybe I'll throw it up. This is so dumb of me. Then after like an hour, he's not throwing it up. I think of stay outside. And let's try giving him some hydrogen peroxide. I've never done that before. They say max of a dog, give him three tablespoons of hydrogen peroxide. I'm like, he's the biggest dog ever. So give him three. It doesn't phase him. Nothing. So then I call Caleb and I'm like, hey. - Probably because he's so big. And he's got a diaper in there. It's just absorbing your right eye. - Do I say how much hydrogen peroxide can you give a mule? - No. (laughing) What can you give a pony, what's with it? - Oh, horses called-- - No, no, but the little-- - A quarter horse. - A quarter horse. (laughs) - So I called Caleb and I'm like this happened. It's probably not good. He gets home like 30 minutes later. And we're looking at him and I'm like, "Hey, I don't know how he's gonna pass that." He's not throwing it up. And he ain't sure his head can come out at the back end. So we probably need to, I call the vet. They're like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." You gotta bring that in immediately. Thankfully, when Lewis is there, they are able to induce him vomiting and he does puke the whole thing up. Caleb said the vet came out laughing out of shock and was like, "He literally threw up that thing whole." And it was fully expanded long, long ways and thick ways. I mean, this thing was over a foot long, full, coming out of his mouth. Is that not the craziest thing you've ever heard? Lewis felt horrible the whole day. And I was like, "As he should." No, literally, I felt so bad for him, he just laid around. That's a good teaching moment for your children. Really? What was it? I always tell him everybody has consequences. Oh yeah, even dogs. Even dogs. (laughing) Your choices have consequences. That dog is eating a lot of crazy things. That was for sure. Top five. Yeah. So where does that, I know that he's had the opportunity to have a diaper before. He has eaten diapers before. Oh, okay. But he rips him up. Okay. He even pieces or he'll just eat the inside. I'm sorry, he'll just eat like the soiled part out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was literally the entire thing intact, like grown child adult, not adult, grown child diaper. It was his nuts. So that was my heart. It was pretty expensive and frustrating. What did they use to get him to puke? I didn't ask questions. I wasn't there. But it didn't make him feel good. And he felt pretty nauseous all day. You could tell. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, so that was nice. What a day. What a day. What a day. It was my heart. So yes, we're still keeping him. I'm glad we're still keeping him. I'm glad Caleb took care of that. I mean, what point is it we're giving up the dog? I mean, it's just something crazy has to happen with your children or something. It wouldn't be the case. It wouldn't be a diaper. No, it wouldn't be the case. We dogs are like, but I know we're getting to the end of-- I'm like, I will love him again. I will have affection toward him again. It just comes and goes. I'm the guy who used to love him. That was my heart, but he's really sweet. He's doing better. So that was great. Very grateful that he didn't have to have surgery. And-- that would have been really great. That would have maybe taken a lot of heart thought on that one. Really? We're going to stop. Are we going to save him? OK, let him go over a diaper. OK, a diaper. That was my heart, yeah. My hope is that we got sob-lay. Yeah. Caleb surprised me. If you're not familiar with this bakery that's gone super viral here in Arizona, this guy who opened a huge from Arizona, and he lived in France for a couple years, studied under a pastry chef, then moved to Dubai. I mean, this work is phenomenal looking. And so we've been trying to go for months. It sells out every day within an hour, two hours. The lines-- people line up for him to get these pastries. I know. So Caleb went on Sunday after an early morning workout and got in line and waited. Yeah, I was delicious. I think it was worth it. Yeah, the croissants-- we got a croissant. We got a chocolate-penced sweet, a blackberry tart, and then a chocolate brioche. I would 100% get the tart. That looked insane. It was insane. We came over here and brought a croissant. Just to rub it in your face a little bit. And I just looked at them. No, he asked me one of them. No, I know it is. And I was like, that looks crazy. There's a whole container of blackberries on it. Yeah, I know. It looks crazy. And underneath, it's not just a jam. So it's the blackberries. Then it's a jam. Then it's a mascarpone cream. And then it's a shortbread crust and then the tart crust on the sides. Oh my gosh, that's so good. Well, you were excited to try the croissant, too. I was. What did you think? It was just like any good croissant. I would not go back for a croissant. It was beautiful, though. Most gorgeous croissant I've ever seen. It tasted delicious, but the other things comparatively. I'm like, those things are worth my money. There's only so much you can do with the croissant. Exactly. Yeah, I'm just-- I'm not very adventurous. Like, the tart, you're like, that sounds really-- not my style. It wasn't overly sweet. I don't really like fruit. That's true. You're not going to like that, then. So I would go for the croissant. They're coming up with my chocolate croissant. I really like the chocolate croissant. I would go over-- I would do a croissant over a chocolate croissant. No, get the pen sweet over the chocolate croissant. What's that? It's the one that has all the folds. It's actually air inside. I don't know. It was so good, though. It was so chocolatey. More chocolate, and that then a chocolate croissant. OK. Sorry. You could always say croissant. Croissant. Croissant. Croissant. Guess what we spent on five pastries, because we had R4. I have a good idea. And then you're $60, probably. More. No way. 80. More. Was it over $100? It was $90. Well, OK. Actually Caleb did tip 10 bucks. I don't know what you tip 10 bucks for. But for half five pastries, the total was $75. And then you tip $10 and then taxed with $90. Whoa. I know. I would 100% go back, though, for like special occasions and get the tart in the pens week. Yeah. Maybe not for an event. It's not like a daily thing. I don't know. I'm expecting someone to bring me a croissant on my birthday. It's almost got to wait in line. It's not going to mean me. Yes. Yes, it's their birthday, hopefully. We can-- You never know. Every day they're posting that the line is only 15 minutes. And I can order a head online. But I think you have to get like a box of items. But you should. You can't do anything. Well, we should buy a box for your birthday. Yeah, I see. OK, cool. And we just get what we want. Maybe you're measly far off. OK. How about we do it for the one-year anniversary of always here? We get so-- OK. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do what? First? First. Oh my god. Well, I mean-- Maybe the fourth. I know a lot of you moms are in the thick of back to school, which comes with a lot of excitement. But an equal amount of pressure, specifically for a mom and a dad. Think about it. Every single day, you're having a pack of lunch. And nothing is harder than lunch. 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Now that's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. [LAUGHTER] I always say to my head, have you guys been keeping up or seeing anything about the dairy boy in the end-tucket drama? I like hearing it this way. This one's light. So we'll share it, because that's what we want, light. There's some heavy stuff circulating. Yeah, there's a lot of it. There's always heavy stuff. Have you heard about this, Addy? No, not until you brought it up. OK, so the end-tucket is very ritzy, exclusive, very old money rise. Where's even that? Massachusetts. OK, is that right? That sounds right. New York. It's not the Hamptons. I think it's even more exclusive than the Hamptons. It's the kind of vibe that I get. And so a lot of their stores-- can you look up some of the rules of living in the end-tucket? I think they can only have certain color homes. The whole island is kind of like an H.O.A. Wow. I'm pretty sure. So double-check me on that. I'm pretty sure. We never went to the East Coast, like, basically. Yeah. We never afford it. And anyway, so it's very exclusive, very old money. But it's kind of been with social media. Obviously, people want to go and see the beauty of it. I mean, just picture hydrangeas, cottages, super picturesque, gorgeous light house vibes. So it's kind of been having, I guess, an influx of people coming in and visiting. And so the people that are there, I guess, aren't the most thrilled about that. And Paige Lorenz, she started this brand called Dairy Boy. They have really cute and high-priced luxury, like, leisurewear, very trendy. She's set in the tone right now. She's crushing it. She opened up a storefront in Dairy Boy. That this is-- or Indian Tucket. And this is their first ever storefront. And I guess it's been bringing a lot of influencers to the area-- What is it called? Dairy Boy. Oh, that's her brand. Yeah, her brand is called Dairy Boy. So she opened a store there, bringing a lot of influencers there, she's obviously an influencer herself. Well, another store that's been there for a long time, put up this gorgeous, gold-gilded sign. Like, had it carved. This has no influencers allowed. No, it was allowed. It's just like crazy shots fired. Like, we don't want your marketing influencers. We don't want you here. Beat it. We don't need to take in clips in the store. So that was part of it. And then, obviously, I think people were kind of assuming that these shots fired at Paige Lorenz. In influencer opening the store. Her store has people lined up wrapped around the store. So it's been very busy drawing a lot of attention. So she did respond. And she put a sign up, gold-gilded, it says, everyone welcome. I know. It's like, what a great PR move. I think that's a great response. I think so, too. Honestly, I feel like they're-- or is it clear? Like, I don't know, what's your take on that? I don't really know. I know literally what you just shared. - Yeah. - What's your take on that? - I guess I do see the frustration of people that have lived there, that are local, or maybe a little frustrated by the hoopla of what's going on. I could say that being annoying, but also maybe just kind of setting their ways of like, hey, we are doing fine without your bringing all the buzz over here, we don't need the buzz. We like things as they are. There's like that kind of camp, which I not like, that's wrong. I understand that. You know, they've been there a long time. They like things a certain way. But also it's like, that's just not life. That's not how it works. You know, it's like, it's just not real. And if people are bringing business to your town, that's great and exciting. It's not like this is a random town to her. I guess there's some, she has significance with Nantucket, and so there's meaning for her there. - Yeah, she's like, this is my home. - Yeah, she's not coming and being disrespectful to just open up a store. - That's so funny. - I know, can you imagine? It went pretty viral, like no influencers allowed. I have my own. - It's so specific. - Experience specifically. - This is a crazy story. - This is a good one. - This really, this actually, this is his home. - Okay. - The story hits home in an interpersonal place for me. (laughs) - No, it was a lot of you. - Because, so, okay. (laughs) This is so amazing. - I don't know why this story, my jaw's on the floor. - Same. - This story's embarrassing for me. Like, I feel embarrassed by it. - I would too. - Okay, yeah. - Yeah, I think that's bell sharing. - Not because you did anything wrong. It's just like, whoa. - It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. (laughs) - Okay, so, obviously, take me back to a few weeks ago. I was 38 weeks pregnant and planning to attempt a V-back. And, like, anywhere that you, like, are learning about V-backs, I feel like the general advice, like the best thing you can do is just walk. - Yeah, walk that baby. - And so, it's like 115 degrees in Arizona. I would love to walk outside. It's not really a safe option. And so, I had been walking at my parents' apartment cardio facility. Like, they gave me their little fob. And I would just go in their little cardio room. And I would say that I would go in and walk two miles and leave. - 30 minutes. - Yeah, quickly, in and out. And I, most of the time, I'm the only person in there. - Right. - Sometimes there's someone on the stair master behind me. There's multiple treadmills. There's multiple, there's, like, there's so much equipment in this room. And it was usually just me. And my mom gets an email, like, a week or so later. And it was like, hey, I'm paraphrasing here, but I guess we could actually pull up the really-- - No, pull up the really now. - Yeah, there it is. - I can get it. - Yeah, get it, pull it up. While she's looking at it, what are the rules of hand tucking? - It's not saying there was any, like, official rules. It's mostly just, like, common norms of, like, exterior changes paint color. This is for the historic district, exterior changes, paint colors, roof types, solar panel placement, must all be approved by the town. - The town. - The town. - They have a very, they have a strong aesthetic. - Yeah. - Oh, okay, got the email. - I agree. - Okay. - It says, this is-- - Hi, Lori. I wanted to bring something to your attention. During a general conversation, someone mentioned recognizing a social media influencer who has been using the cardio room. Since the name wasn't familiar to us as one of our current residents, 'cause they know everyone-- - They know the thousands of people who live here. - We reviewed the amenity access records for the timeframe. We found that your fob was used to access the cardio room during that time. However, the individual observed was not you. Are you aware of anyone else using your fob to access the community amenities? If so, we want to remind you that residents must be present with their guests while using community amenities. Additionally, certain amenities, including the business center, fitness centers, and basketball court, are reserved for resident use only. So, even if I was with my parents, I can't use this room. If you're not aware of your fob being used by someone else, please let us know as soon as possible. We can deactivate your current fob, and issue a replacement to help protect your account and community access. Thank you, and we look forward to hearing from you. - So, what does my mom do? (laughing) - Exactly what she should. - She trots her happy little booty over to the office. - Yes, ma'am. - When she started, she said, she is 38 weeks pregnant. Like, it is 115 degrees out. She is not harm anybody at level. We pay our leads, we are great residents. Like, she is really. - Yeah, I would be so mad. - I was like, "Mom, he's, I'm all ready." - Biggest enough. - That my round little belly is just, they're watching on the cameras. Like, I just felt so embarrassed. And she's like, "I'm just gonna go with you." I said, "Mom, did you read the email?" Even if you go with me, I am certainly not welcome in this space. - Well. - And so, she's like, she's obviously just so dumb because it's only because I had like a recognizable to someone like face that they wouldn't even thought anything of it. - No influencers allowed there. - No influencers allowed. - No influencers allowed in the party of facilities. It does not matter. I understand, like a rules rule, but the way that I was set, a social media influencer was spotted. (laughing) I was celebrities, they're just like us. - I was like, I was like, do you just go? I'm like, "Mom, that is going to make me just feel like." - Yeah. - I have my God. - Let's just say, I never have returned. - We don't expect exceptions to the rules, but also. - But also, they wouldn't kind of know. - They wouldn't know. - If you weren't, yeah, they would have never said anything, would have never known your mother and father. - They're not paying residents. - I think it's just funny 'cause they really could have said it differently. We, it's been brought to our attention that a non-resident has been using it. - Perfect for an average. - But the social media influencer and was not familiar to us. It's like trying to be so. I'm like, well, I know the conversation, the office, that's why I'm embarrassed. I'm like, what was the conversation? - They all talked about it. - You know, they approved for that email. - I know. - Yeah, no influencers allowed. It's growing, it's spreading, it's a trend. We gotta hide. - We gotta get a run. - It's a man hunt for us. - We're not around here. (laughing) Anyway, that was funny. - Okay. - Finally getting to the meet. - People really hate influencers. - I gave myself. (laughing) - What's your job? - Marketing. - Katie would say it. - No. - I actually have fluctuated with that answer so many times. And then finally, I was like, I just have to. - I gotta be part of it. - We do social media. - Yeah, that's what I say. I do social media. - Yeah. It's kind of funny because when you say that people are just like, oh, cute. You know, they like, they think you're trying. They don't know. - No, I love that. - I think it's cute for you. - I'm always like, and I always prefer to say what I'm saying. Like, I never thought I would do this either. Like, and it's been such a blessing. I always like, how did it go into a little bit? I was like, we started in your college. - Yeah. - And then I always feel like I have to give caveats, but everyone's, no one's been like, ew. - Yeah, I know a total. - But that's my fear. - No, they never will. - I'm like, ah, my elephant in the room. - I always think it's funny. I just think in general when you do something outside of maybe a typical job, like I remember our friend Bella has a really successful jewelry company. And someone was like, she's like, oh yeah, I have a jewelry business. Like, oh, that's cute. Like, good luck with your little business. - Maybe it's like a small shop, you know? It's like, no, she's crushing it. - She is. - She was crushing it. - You wouldn't have believed it. - Shout out, or a gov, y'all. So it's just funny, you know, you just, you know, whatever. - It's pretty funny. - I know. So that's great. - Those are crazy. - What else is crazy? Was? - Berth! - Berth was crazy. (laughs) - As it should be. - Yeah, okay, so by the time this, this goes out, the birth vlog will be out. - And so, vlog and unplanned, so yeah, great. - Oh, and the unplanned episode. So we'll just try to fill in gaps that like weren't covered from there. - I can't wait to see the vlog. - Is it a full YouTube video? - Mm-hmm. - I thought you weren't filming. - We did film. - Good. - Well, on our phone. - Good, I'm glad. - Or do a did. - Good. - Yeah. - I'm glad. - And so, and I'm glad, but I won't be watching. - I actually watched Vivian's birth all the time. - Really? - Yeah, I mean, it's not from this angle, you know. It's like before you got to have a girl. - I can watch after I got to have a girl. - I guess I don't really have much video from before. - You were more in control than me. - No, I guess I do. I guess I don't watch myself having contractions because it's so weird here and myself grown like that. - I can't. - Also, I did watch it. - I did watch it. - I can just watch it. - I feel like for the husband, it's like, they're just watching you, you know. And to them, I'm sure in their mind, like, this looks fake. 'Cause they can't feel the pain. They just see you like, oh. - And you know what's weird as I, literally? - And you're fine. A week later, I can't remember it. - I know. - But then as soon as they happen to get, I remember it. - Yeah, for sure. - I was like, whoa. - Here it is. - Thank you to Wafer for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. Killbury did our shed, which was great. But then we actually have to have things to put in the shed. So that is where Wafer came in. We got a gorgeous desk to go and they were making this a home office. And I had so much fun looking at their options. They have so many options too. 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That's w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. We're gonna need to wake the baby soon. Okay. I can't really feel it. Rock hard. Holy cow. Okay. Is it still toe curling? Oh yes. Yeah. There's a lot. Do you still have in the afterbirth cramps when you're? No. Thank goodness. That was so painful. Way worse this time. Yeah, my more way worse than the day. I don't even remember him with CJ. Yeah. All right. Keep going. Okay. So the morning started off. We all went to the gym together and it was very fun. I felt like I told everyone that I was like I feel very attention-seeking because it was my like I was 40 weeks and everyone knew I was scheduled to have an induction that evening. So I was like I just was like I need to do something to occupy myself right now. It's your last chance. Like I just need to occupy my mind. Do something with my body and then like get off my neck. That's what I was kind of thinking. I was like oh she's just taking attention. Seeking attention. And so it was a good workout. I wouldn't say I felt significantly different from like any of the other days. Like recently and then had my 40 week appointment in which case my or in which my doctor did a cervical check and immediately my water broke. So did she do a full cervical check or she just like on the way up. She did a cervical check. She was gonna do a membrane sweep. Yeah. Just because and the third time might as well. And so because the induction was at night like I was like let's just sweep it. And we didn't even do this sweep and it like she was like oh that actually has never happened. Did it have it on her own? Oh it was everywhere. Everywhere. I have a picture. It's crazy. And so she goes oh I'm so I'm so sorry. And I said was that and then I I knew she said sorry because but she's like that's actually never happened before and but every time I had they said the water bag was really hard. Yeah. I don't know what that means but this time she was like it was that was ready. And so I was actually stoked. Yeah. Thank you so much. I'd rather start this process right now because originally I was supposed to be like 3 a.m. and then it was 9 p.m. that was only if there's beds. And I was like that just doesn't sound fun to labor. It's a long night. And so this was great timing because I went to the gym. I had showered. I washed my hair. I dropped the kids off at school. So I was very excited. And she told me she's like you have two hours to go to the hospital. Get home. We just like get our stuff. Get to the hospital. And I was starting to feel contractions like before we left. Yeah. But it started to pick up pretty quickly as soon as we like got there to check in. Really. And then I still like wasn't timing anything though because we were at the hospital or something at a point. And then I didn't have to go to triage or anything because my OB had called and said like she's coming and getting our room. And then at this point it had been three hours since my water broke. And my my like ultimate goal the whole time was like that I wouldn't need to use like medications to induce contractions. And so I was thrilled when they hooked me up to the monitors and I was having regular contractions that were four to five minutes apart that were already like pretty strong. And so I was like sorry buddy. And so I was like okay this might actually be happening. And we don't have to use potatoes. I mostly just wanted to not have to use potatoes. Yeah. And so then my duo arrived. And then I was so glad we had her right away. Yeah good. She was just so it was so good to have like her presence in the room. Yeah. Especially because like a lot of times you're just alone. And our nurse was amazing. But it was just really good to have her just like in those like they're not gonna stay in in the every team moment. Yeah. And I don't know why I would like that if the nurse stayed the whole time. Like I would like that too. Yeah. You just feel like pain. You just want some it's comforting knowing someone's there that knows what you do. Yeah. I'm like everything's okay right? Yeah. My body feels like it's breaking. And so she comes and they have you monitored for a certain amount of time. And then she's like if you want it because I told her I wanted to move. I put on my little tennis shoes and my little diaper and we start walking around the halls and things really started picking up. And so then but she set up five. She was gonna I had to get back on the monitors. So in my head I'm getting like a little stubborn with it. Like I'm like wait till five. And so I wait until five. Get back in there. I'm like huffing and puffing. That was bad huh. I don't it got worse. So I don't it was bad at this. I get I would say bad. Yeah. And then yeah I wasn't like talking during them. And so then I'm like having my headphones on. I'm like Matt no more talking. No more touching. No more looking at me actually. And so then they get me back on the monitors and then she's like I don't know if you're gonna want to stand up. And I was like I do I do want to stand up. Stand up immediately. I just feel like oh like I was like there's so much pressure on my cervix. And so then she's like empty your bladder that hurt like really. I almost felt like it was an empty your bladder. Um just a relief pressure. I really don't know why she said empty my bladder. Maybe so then you don't have to get a catheter. Give him real. Yeah well I guess we'll just like go to the bathroom before you get it but they're also then you don't have to. Yeah maybe. Probably that was probably. I mean you always had to have a catheter. I don't know what I didn't get a catheter. Like they they didn't they didn't stick they just didn't empty me and took it out like another one that stayed in. I love the catheter. Anyway. Anyway. I don't remember anything about that but it like really hurt to pee at that point. I was like oh my gosh what is that. And then I put my tissues back on. I think it's start walking. Oh my gosh. I mean he's like down there ready to come out. They were literally like yeah back in your room. And we need to check you. And so then they did in this point. I was in transition. So what does that actually mean? It means you're seven or beyond. Yes. And so like seven eight and nine is transition. So is that one the baby fully descends down. And during that time. Oh no it's eight to ten. Okay so I was in that transition. That was amazing. Wow. And things were I said it was like a snowball going out of mountain. At this point things were feeling like we were kind of getting a lot of control. Yeah yeah yeah. And I was like I don't I paid for my aperture already. And I this was part of the birth plan. And so I was like get like transition. This is when we're doing it. And they're like yeah but you have to get this bag of fluids in you. No. And then we have to call the person. And so I was like then I was really panicked because no one told me that. They said the fluid takes 20 minutes once they start issuing it. And then there was two other moms ahead of me. And so they're like I did not know that. So yeah so then they're like my nurse and my doctor went in and fought for me. Good yeah what they say. I love that. They're like she's a tollac which means attempt to labor after. Yeah so there's complications you have to go to them. Yeah like she's a tollac and do you they said go stand back her door. She is in transition. She's not gonna make it otherwise. These other moms were like not as progressed. And which I feel so bad like man me like just not communicating that I it's okay. It was happening fast. I don't really know. And so they they argued for me and I think they got a little spat with the with the agency's y'all just not the one that ended up doing mine but like they're like the head person. And they're so nice. But I was like wow they really fall for me. That's so nice. What a team. Because genuinely I wouldn't have had one otherwise because after the epidural like after they let you lay back down after the epidural it was like 30 minutes and he was out. So I really would not have gotten one. And I was not mentally prepared to do that. Right. And I was and I'm not I know that I could have but I'm just gonna say I could have done it. You said you could have. I'm gonna say I could have. Like I'm like it is there is a panic when you're not prepared for that. I was like like the there's fear so much fear. I probably should have mentally prepared more for that. Well I was mentally preparing to have a C section. Yeah. And I was like man if like if that needs to happen I need to like be mentally prepared for that. And so anyway they come in. Your pain tolerance is insane. So you always need to have. During these contractions I was like huh. Did you hear it? I watched all the footage before. Exactly. I want to hear it. I want to hear it later. It was like that. Yeah of course. I was scary. No. I mean it's what you have to do. Yeah. Yeah. Well I mean my girl is so nice. She was like you were in so much my nurse and my girl were literally hiding up so much because in which we in the contractions I got so embarrassed because you start to feel a little normal. Yeah. And I was like crack a joke or be like because I felt embarrassed. I'm like I'm sorry. They were like no you are getting you're in control. Do you like you can do this? And like and I was like no. I feel like if they told me you're in control like I'm not. I was like I will say I didn't feel out of control. Yeah. But I did feel like I was like no no no this wasn't the plan. Yeah totally. And um anyway so then they let the fluids in and then I got the epidural and such relief. Why is it always like a young guy that's like art? Like a guy that's orange. Yeah. And I'm like you're seeing like this much of my butt crack. No later. Mine was a meal too. And not in its best form that I add. I'm just lean or hunched over. Literally. That guy and on - Honestly, he has to be the most beloved person in the hospital. - Oh, what a job. - I know, you're the heroes of them. - I didn't mean to be the hero. - They let me back down and then I got my dream birth 'cause it started to be fun. And I was like, "Oh, yay." - For 30 minutes. (laughing) - And then they were like, my doctor comes in, she's like, "I am feeling that you're gonna be." And then she was like, "Okay, time to push." And I was like, at this point I was like, so grateful that I had the epidural because I felt like I was able to be like, "I'm about to meet my baby." I got the clarity of mind to be like, this is about to happen. These are my last moments before I'm like, holding my baby. And so that was like, I was so grateful for the relief and that since, too. Like, it was actually hitting me a lot during unmedicated too, though I should say. Like, I would literally get so emotional in between contractions. There was just a lot going on. I mean, it's about happiness. And so it's the pinnacle of your process, you know? - Yes. The peak moment of you've been building this baby for an hour and before that, you know? And it's like, you're getting to the end of the road and it's like, the pain is so unbearable, but it's so exciting, you know? - You're so right. - And you're just so emotional. It's like, you literally can't even, imagine feelings like that. - No. - The feelings are unmatched. - Okay, then it's when I was watching myself. Like, and they, here's the thing about me. - So you disassociated again? - Yeah, this is a good experience, just a little bit. And they're like, hey, we're gonna get your legs and the straps. Here's the thing about me. I could still put my legs in my own straps. - Oh, so it was, you had a very light I have a draw at that point. I hadn't fully kicked in. - No, I didn't fully kick in. - Okay. - It's like good. - I could stuff in my contractions. I could feel crowning. I could feel like things like that. But it was nothing like it was. - It was an ideal, kind of. You're like, you could feel enough. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It was ideal. - Yeah, it was. It was great, and so then he came out in two contractions, which was wild, and then we got to hold him and this moment will just forever. I just, if you will never forget those moments. Like, it was, I don't even think I cried 'cause I was literally just like probably disassociating, but then also just like, I couldn't, it was like, it was too big of an emotion for me to even feel. Like, it was literally like, I was like, I don't even know what's going on right now. Like, I just held him for so long. And it was like, yeah. There's literally just no words to the relief. Like that I felt in that moment. Oh my gosh. - Yeah. - It was like, I, yeah. - It was a year of holding your breath. - Seriously. - Yeah. - And it was just like so, it was so good to hold him and to hear his cry and the adrenaline. When the emotions kicked in, it kicked in so hard that I literally was shaking and couldn't stop. I literally told him I was like, I have been years and I'm gonna break. (laughing) Like give me a towel please. - They did, they had to write something because my, I couldn't talk. - No. - I couldn't, my jaw was trembling. They're like, this happens, but this is like a little bit much. Like, let me take your temperature. I had spiked a massive fever and they were like, there's no way you had an infection. Your water's like been broken for seven hours. Like, there's just no way that you have an infection. So they didn't give me antibiotics. It was literally from so much adrenaline that I got a high fever. - Oh, I believe it. - And so I started shaking like crazy. - Yeah. - And that affects his apgar score. Really? - Me getting a fever. - After birth? - Yeah, I don't know why. - That's weird. - Yeah. - I don't even know what that car score really is. - I don't know either. - But that sucks. - Yeah, I mean, it wasn't a positive thing. - Yeah. - But I was literally shaking just from like processing all this. - And I think to something that did add to it is that, okay, it was like my birth history. My first one, I had a shoulder dystocia, which is where the shoulders get stuck. And so that was the reason I was recommended to get a C-section, to have a C-section for my second. This baby, we were anticipating to be smaller than he was. And so everyone on our medical team, and like my duo was very supportive of a V-back because of his smaller size. That greatly reduces his risk of shoulder dystocia. Little man tricked us because he wasn't as tiny as we thought. I mean, he surely is tiny to me. But he was eight pounds, 11 ounces, and he did his shoulders to get stuck. And so in that moment, I was a little bit panicky 'cause I knew what was happening. 'Cause we had even prepped, right before I pushed, she was like, if things get hairy, like, dad move, like, you know what, she's like, well, move your leg, like do all these things. And then I just like make eye contact with her, 'cause they're like, head is out, and I just make eye contact with her, 'cause I was like, they can tell right away because babies usually bob like in and out at that point. - Interesting. - And if their shoulders are stuck, then they just stay put. - Yeah. - And he was stuck. And so, I don't know what she did. - So why is that dangerous if their head is out? Can they get air? - It's so crazy, and it's actually a miracle. So babies when their face touches the air, like their head is out, their internal system is already switching to real life, fully on oxygen, rather than like, to breathe, to respiratory, or whatever. And so, you have five minutes before, I think it's five minutes, don't check them out. - Yeah, you have a short time. - You have a short amount of time before, it's like pretty serious, like they'd be able to breathe. - Yeah. - And so, but if the head's out and they're breathing air, - They're not-- - They're in the birth canal, but can't maybe breathe, open their chest. - They're neck and stuff. - Hmm. - I don't know. - So he got stuck for a sec. - He got stuck for like, I think it was like, a little over 30 seconds. - Wow, okay. - And so, which was shorter than, yeah, my last one was, they had to do more, like, interventions, interventions. And so, this one was not nearly as bad, but I think in that moment, since I had lived it before, I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no. But it was short and he came out and then, it was just, there's no other word other than miraculous. And they just felt so redemptive, the whole experience. And I'm just so grateful. I'm like, man, I want to do that every single day. - No. - He's like, I feel like you were in a lot of pain, I was like, you, a man can never know what it's like, you know, you're like, yeah, that was horrible. Well, do it again. - Yeah, I want it more. I want more of it. - It's the hormones. But it was really just like so, awesome. - It was just so worth it. - It was so worth it. - And he's like, so perfect sweet boy. - Oh, that was the best, it was the best group chat. - Ah. - I get, I just want everyone to know, everything. - Amazing, yeah. - So yeah, it was the best day ever. - Totally. - And we were so happy we had him by bedtime. And it was crazy. It was really wild because I think it was like, by the time we were admitted, like four hours. And then he was like a little over four to five hours. And he was here, it's awesome. - And so it was a whirlwind. And it's crazy because four to five hours actually sounds like a long time, but like living it, it was like felt really fast. - So fast. - So yeah, it's like an afternoon. You're like, well, let's just go to a baby and go home. Eating a home, but. - Yeah, yeah. - So relaxing. - And you guys both came. Addie came like right after. What's so funny is that like they were in the, labor and delivery room. - Yeah. - They weren't in the postpartum area. - Yeah. - I was kind of really so bad. There's just hard bedtime. - Yeah. - We, I had a girl's night that night anyway. And so, and Blake, it was their dad's birthday. So Blake was out with his dad. And so my mom had Brielle anyway. So I was like, perfect. - Yeah. - So I just got to come over and see him. - Yes. - Yeah, you were still in the labor and delivery room. I'm like, do we? Does she? I know it's to come. Everyone's sitting in there. I'm like, should we be here? - Yeah. - I was like, I was on a high. I was like, let's go, let's go, let's go, go, go. - No, Cam and Abby came in after Griffin, but Griffin's birth was like a wobble. - It was just the first. - But you were like, come on in. And I was like, your butt's out. - It was so bloody. - It was so bloody in the room. I was like, I remember walking in. I was like, oh, they didn't clean anything up. So Matt's like they did. - This was very chill. - We've never seen anything like that. We're like, oh. - I don't know why his was so bloody. - It was so animal. It was like animalistic in there. That's like something happened. - That's real. - It was wild. - Yeah, but you were in great spirits. You guys were like, come in and meet him, you know? - Yeah, that's so normal. - I know it's the best. - And his labor was 27 hours. - So funny. - Crazy. - Come. - Anyway. - Well, we're the spirits in the waiting room. 'Cause how long were you there waiting? - I wasn't there for very long. I was only there for like 10 minutes 'cause I was like I said, I had a girl's night. So I was there. We had a presentation night. So we all like made presentations about ourselves. And basically as soon as I got there, they were like, he's been born. I said, guys, I'm giving my presentation. I'm leaving. - Oh! - They don't work about me. And then I. - Yeah, oh yeah, you're good to do this. - I love you too. - Yeah, I'm good to you guys. - And then I said, - I'm gonna get my ears. - Bye. - So, I said, send me your presentations. Please, this is my idea. - Yeah, just tell me how you're gonna go. - I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. - But I thought it was cute because Blake was at Cold Baron Cheeseburgers with your dad, as always. When they got the news, I'm like, of course. - And inappropriate. - And then they left, wrapped it up. And then, 'cause they were trying to figure out the plan of like who's gonna be with the kids. 'Cause we're like, we want your mom to be able to be there with you. And then, 'cause she was watching the kids. And then I was like, you're in charge of the kids for the night. And then I was there and then we all just went over there. and I got you guys some culverts brought them I brought to them because they got it for me so I had to do it. And so I was only in there for like probably 10 minutes and then the vibes in the waiting room 'cause we also had the kids in there. - The kids were having a big emotion. - They did a big emotion. - They knew something was happening, I'm sure. They know this big tradition is happening and then it was also kind of late. - Yeah. - Yeah. - They were tired. - They wanted Matt and I. - Yeah, yeah. - I didn't, yeah. Sorry. - It's hard to prep them for that. - It is. - I don't know what it's gonna happen and then, like otherwise it'd be like, "Hey, mom and dad are not gonna be here." - But it was also just so sweet to watch them like be so excited to like see you guys and be with you. Like obviously you can't like stay with them and so but it was really sweet. Like I have a really cute picture of like Matt holding Griffin because he was sad and they were just like cuddling 'cause he didn't want to leave and so that was sweet. But yeah, coming in and seeing you, you didn't look like you just had a baby. - You were chillin'. - I had just that fever down before. - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, so like she's charring. - I remember after the adrenaline was so intense after Vivian I was like you gotta take her 'cause I couldn't hold her. I was shaking so hard and I was, I actually thought I was gonna faint. Like I was really dizzy but I ended up being fine. I think they were a little worried that I was losing blood but it was all fine. - I was actually also losing blood. - I was shaking before I had real. - Like after the epidural. - The epidural shakes with Griffin. - Yeah. - I did with CJ too. I was much with Vivian. - Oh, but then I was like hey what can I do guys? Like this is before it got really bad. I was like I might, my teeth are like I can't stop shaking. They're like skin to skin will help. They did put him on me skin to skin and that did help. - They did. - Yeah, it's like crazy. - It was like, but then it started to get really out of hand. I was like I'm feeling woozy. - Yeah. - And then they're like honey you are fevered. - Yeah, you're fevered. Adrenaline's the worst. - I did not like that. - You said adrenaline junkies I don't get it. I'm like ooh I don't ever want to feel it again. I mean I do after I have baby, but. - That kind of thing. - I don't want to like induce it just for fun. - I'm not gonna jump out of a plane for that. - This looks like bad. This looks like someone grabbed my arm. - That's the best spot for the IV. - Don't get it in the head. - No one wants it 'cause those got blown. - They do get blown but it's just the most comfortable. - It was over here 'cause these didn't work. But it looks like someone grabbed my arm. - Mine was right here too, it was like black. I have some really bad veins. They were always like ugh, I'm like well make it work. I was like you have really great veins and then they blow. They were always like you got a really small squiggly. Can't get it in there, I'm like keep trying. - I'm sitting here. - We need it. - I'm not going anywhere else. - Yeah so we only stayed for like 30 minutes until and then you were about to move to your room anyway. So we left for the night and then what was it like the next day you going in there? - Well that wasn't there when we showed up, I felt bad. - He had to take the kids. - I know they were having. - Yeah they were having hard time. - They were having hard times. - I know so I just felt bad that we missed seeing them but we were only there for like 15, 20 minutes. - Yeah. - It was such a stressful, I was like I don't know why getting there felt, 'cause Caleb was coming from work and we were gonna go over lunch and bring you guys some food and he was coming from afar and I was like okay, I'm loading up the kids, can you stop and get flowers. I'll get the lunch and he stopped. I was like let's just get the flowers in the hospital. Anyway it was a whole thing and it took him a little bit longer so I was sitting in the parking lot for a long time actually. I didn't want to go in without him. I just felt rude. - I just felt rude. - So I was sitting in the parking lot for like 10 minutes before that and I was like I'm gotta go and we had the recording right after that. I had a hard out time. So it just wasn't as long as I would have liked. - It was really precious. - It was perfect. - Yeah I'm glad we got to come and see and bring you guys some food. - Caleb, we got some good flowers. - Yeah, really great. - Yeah he picked some pretty good flowers. - I was Chick-fil-A. You were sitting there with like a princess. - You were the twinkle lights over you. - Yeah picture like they're bringing the twinkle lights. - There were stars. - The star twinkle lights. - I actually really liked having them. - Good, yeah. - My knowledge was spent. Addie made a really sweet poster for the room to add to the whimsy. - Cute. - It said welcome baby fishers. - Cute, we got two, cute. - We love the posters. - Oh yeah Caleb made a really, how did he do that? - He's artistic. - I was looking at that. Did he draw that? - It took him a couple days. - Yeah. - I know, he's very artistic. - I know. - He's free handed that? - Well listen, I do know that Caleb's going to art because I school he had this painting of Carrie Underwood. That is so random. - It went from like a apartment to a apartment with us a couple times and after a second house, I was like, so are we bringing Carrie everywhere or are we leaving Carrie? - It's like this, just a painting. It's not even, it's good, but it's not, you know. You would have to ask who that is for him. - You wouldn't know it's Carrie Underwood. - But it's like a good portrait. - That's what you should do. Take it to the streets of Phoenix and be like, who wants to buy it? - Who is this? - Who is this? - Yeah, so I just, he is like pretty good at drawing. I think he did Oggy's poster too. - We gotta get those frames. - I have the frames. - Oh yeah. I have to do some frames. - Sweet. - Yes, sweet. - Oh, and I need to get the piano. - I was never gonna bring it up. - I literally think about it all the time. - You do? - Good, I'm glad. - And like a year. - So she's getting one for her birthday. - Maybe for her second birthday. - Never her first birthday, God. - Don't put that on you right now. Don't put that on you right now. - September, gosh. - Okay, well, if it's not, she's got 18 years in her home. So we got time. - A little less than a month. One day less than a month. - Here we go. - We got 18 years in our home, so. - It was perfect. - Yeah, it was perfect. - I'm gonna have to feed the baby. - Okay, so what? - I'm just kidding. - Thank you to Policy Genius for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. So much can change from summer to summer. Like we recently had a child at the end of last summer. Growing your family comes with a responsibility of planning for what could happen and making sure that your kids are set up. So we actually recently got life insurance. It felt like a very adult thing to do. But thankfully, Policy Genius makes it easy for you. Prepare for the next big change with life insurance from Policy Genius. Policy Genius is an online insurance marketplace that allows you to compare quotes from some of America's top insurers side by side for free. Their license team helps you get what you need fast so you can just get on with your life. We wanna get in, we wanna get out, get it done, get it out. Easily find what you need, coverage amounts, prices, terms, there's no guesswork, just clarity. Being able to compare the plans and the prices makes it so easy. They take the guesswork out of something that can feel really overwhelming and it is a big decision. With Policy Genius, you can find 20 year life insurance policies starting at just $276 a year for $1 million in coverage. Head to policygenius.com/abby to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com/abby. Also, I just wanna say, there's a jump cut 'cause I needed to feed the baby and now he's hanging out with dad. - Yeah. - And we're trying to figure out where we're from. - Yeah, where we're from. - Trying to figure out where we left off. - Yeah. - But thanks guys for your patience. - Yeah. I feel like we, it was so sweet seeing you in this, like in the delivery room holding your baby. It was just such a sweet moment. I got very emotional. I was blubbering like a baby. And I'm just curious how you feel about birth after a loss like that? - It's, I have to be so thrilled. It's completely different. Like I, the actual like processing fisher feels so different. - Having a baby feels completely different after having like a loss. This is where the tears come in. There's like just no other way to talk about it. Like it's just, it's completely different. At least for me, like I don't know how, I had said this before, but like my thoughts really are not fully formed on this yet. Like I just feel like I've just like just started processing this, like seeing loss of life and a baby so clearly. And then to see just the start of life so clearly, that alone has aged me like 10 years. I don't know how to describe it any other way. Like seeing life and death like just and holding it in my arms and less than a year. - It's a roller coaster. - I went to an entirely different person because of losing Emerson and then having Fisher. Like I have an entirely different person because of it. - Yeah. - And I think I'm just like only at the beginning truly of like unpacking everything that that has done to me. Like that, that is crazy. And to be in the same hospital, just to see, like I keep saying, like it's not like we're writing over Emerson's story. Like they, it was an extension of Emerson's story, was Fisher. It's like it's all a story that like, like I don't even think I don't have the word, I literally don't have the words. Maybe one day I will to like describe what that, what that's like to try to unpack. It's crazy. And like, like stiffly good to the mic. Like my entire hope for the day of Fisher's birth was that it would feel different. Just because of fears, like I was really scared. But also just redemptive. And it was literally just so symbolically walking into the room. That looked the exact same as like where I went to have Emerson, but the room was completely flipped. Like the orientation of it. Like you're facing an incubator, right? Both times. But it was like the opposite orientation. I just describe it the way it looks flipped. Everything was flipped and everything was different. and I'm entirely blind. different because of it and I think the moment where I was like first starting to be like this is so bigger than so much bigger than I thought was what they were wheeling me from like my my labor delivery room to the postparta room because I don't know if I ever talked about this but when I was in the hospital with ever said in like in labor you hear that all about playing and it's so sweet but it's so dark when you're in the position like I was in and you're playing the for me this time. That's when I was like oh this is so much bigger than I ever anticipated this was gonna be and so yeah I think it's like literally just entirely I don't know I don't have the words but this is just like my top of braid like what I didn't describe right now. Yeah it was crazy. I'm sorry. When you say bigger do you just mean like the feelings are bigger the emotions are bigger. The feelings are bigger the emotions are bigger but then also like my perspective on life is bigger because of all this and I mean I would rather not have that perspective but they're here we are and it's it's just giving me so much more gratitude for this like none of this will ever be casual again nothing will ever feel like I don't know it just will always feel miraculous it is for me and for everybody else that experiences it and so yeah I just kept saying like I wish that they're I could have this is this is why life is like this is life you can't show yourself what the future has in store but there were times where I was like I I don't know if this will ever like I don't know how we could ever like I know there's a future beyond this I never felt hopeless but I don't know what it could if it could ever be good again like some some times like after that and the specifically in the area of like family planning and pregnancy and birth and all that stuff but if I could just show myself a glimpse into where we are now literally less than a year ago oh my gosh that would have been such a relief but you don't have that luxury and so we had this year of like holding our breath of like anxious thoughts and some days we're way harder than others but we got here and it's just yeah it's it's big it's like oh I like I don't really know I think by work I think I have a lot of processing to do honestly still in like this area I feel like it's effective I think all of us have been changed by that because I every time I think about our group chat on the day of Fisher's birth and I compare it to the group chat on the day of Emerson's birth and just like the difference of those texts and like the process of labor you know it's just you see both sides of it and so yeah even just I've like being family and going through it and and seeing witnessing it and seeing you guys go through it it changes it for Alex for myself yeah I feel like everyone else will see it in the in the birth vlog but like watching the footage of like you giving birth and Fisher being placed on your chest and you just kept saying over and over and over like I'm so glad you're here and you can just it's different than being glad that your baby's there before loss like it and you can hear it in voice in the way you're saying it and it's just I'm was cooking breakfast while I was reviewing the footage Brails in her hijack I'm sobbing like you just feel it and you feel it with you of just like being so glad he's here yeah like guys like it and I knew I was never alone to and so that helped everything in that like shared grief and shared like love and excitement like made this so much lighter for me to so yeah I mean I don't want to speak for every single mom that's got through something like I have but it it does feel like entirely different for me like and I've done this twice before and it still just feels that's the thing that feels crazier than any like obviously the birth experience is totally different but like this it was like just having a baby after loss just feels like the biggest difference and everything yeah and it's crazy it is really crazy I think that also is just like put my post-partum experience in a new light where I'm like I literally don't care like I'm like I'm just so glad you're here like I there's nothing that could bring it down maybe I think it bring me down yeah I was even like I was down and I feel like meal train this time around versus last time around and like you even you plan that you're like every single time I'm like I want you guys to come in and meet my baby me and doing that versus like last time it's like I don't know what to do I'm gonna drop this fruit off at her bed like I don't I don't know how to help this experience in no way correct the experience before like right I don't know how to like they're separate but intertwined totally yeah yeah okay good cuz yeah I feel like there are things I'm like I want to say or even just like reflecting on the group chat thing I just said I've been every time I think about it I get emotional and I'm like man I want to tell Abby that it was just cool I'm honored to like been in both of those chats and like walked through and seeing the dark and the joy yeah but like I'm like I don't want to bring them up on the day you know or whatever you know it's like just so it's good to hear it I'm sure yeah I know I didn't I people have brought it up and it hasn't but it has always been a moment has had the loss cuz I feel like you're just you're very comfortable talking it like we both like lived things like that like and so you're just comfortable talking about it in a different way good thank you sharing that I know it's hard and it's like it is so hard so hard that's the thing I'm like okay and I know you'll keep processing it and yeah I think I do have a lot more to process honestly because I feel like I can't even put the words like the impact of it but it's I just know it's big I like something is different because of it yeah I feel like grief is one of those things when you're you're in it deep you know and it I feel like I hear people talk about where it never really you don't come out of grief you just learn how to like move through it and you can process through it and all that so it'll just take some time for sure we're not in a rush well that was great for I was saying we've a chat so we'll move this rest of the conversation over to patreon we're gonna talk about maybe the transition the kids first night at home and some of those things over there on patreon so if you guys are curious check out our patreon we always do extended episodes our bonus segments and just kind of keep the conversation rolling we also do our always hungry chat where you guys send your recipes to we're gonna do our like extended in-depth book club which we are talking about today so go check out our patreon thank you to Upwork for sponsoring this portion of today's episode the most successful business owners don't do it all themselves that's always the temptation so the best thing you can do is delegate Upwork lets you build a team of highly skilled specialists for every function your business needs so you can focus on what you do best and let the experts handle the rest Upwork gives your business fast access to highly skilled specialists with deep expertise so you can feel critical skill gaps launch projects faster and scale support up or down without committing to full time headcount I know Caleb has used Upwork in the past to hire contractors for whether it be graphic design maybe even some like analytic stuff or just one off-task here and there you can browse profiles review past work and get help scoping the rules so you can hire with confidence and get started quickly with business plus you can access the top 1% of talent on Upwork AI Powered shortlisting delivers a curated shortlist of top freelancers match to your goals in under six hours no 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Ask ask ask Abby. Hi Abby Abby and Abby this is Jessica from Wisconsin. I was just wondering what are your go-to snacks to bring on airplane I have four-year-old twins and their first time on an airplane will be next week going to Colorado and I just don't know what to pack because it's very difficult to know exactly what they will eat but yeah I was just curious on what did your go-to snacks thank you well my last flight I brought the family size bag of Trader Joe's white cheddar corn puffs and that's about all my kids it's because we all eat them and they're kind of sticky so they're not like they don't fall out of their mouths I don't know I just think up a lot of space they do yeah it was my whole backpack it's like wasn't your backpack diapers in a big old family size bag of corn puffs hilarious Abby that's your go-to - And then I had some packets and a lot of fruit snacks. - They do let you bring packets that are more than three ounces if it's for a kid, so I shouldn't say that. I think that usually I would opt for something that is not gonna pop or is like, oh, interesting, I never thought about that. - It's okay, I mean, it didn't pop. But like, it's my compact. I feel like we do bars a lot. And like, you know, I just saw this. Someone said that they were thinking about, I can't remember where I saw this. They were on a plane, they were gonna bring nuts. We bring cashews a lot, 'cause they're filling and, you know, dense and something about the crackers. - But then I'm like, I guess people have a nut allergy, I didn't think they were in really close quarters. - I know. I brought peanut butter crackers last time, and I don't think I brought them out, 'cause I got nervous about it. - So I don't think I should do that again. But I have brought those in the past, and I feel like a lot of times we try to do meals on the plane just because it kind of works as an activity. And so we'll just get food at the airport and then get on the plane. But I can understand why a lot of people wouldn't wanna do that. It is kind of a gamble. You like doing that, I like doing that. Kill the hates doing that. - Really? - He's like, don't bring your meal on the plane. - And it's gonna smell. - Yeah, I was like, I was like, it's food. It doesn't bother me when other people do it. - No. - So then I'm like, maybe. - No, I'm like, looking at them, I'm like, I want some of that, actually. - Who wants some of that? - Yeah. - Trying to get something too stinky, I guess. - I did get Chinese food one time and I did bring on the plane. Kill was very embarrassed 'cause it was very strong. And it did get me tired, yeah. That's all right. - Next question. - I have no advice, I have a one year old. The four year old is completely different than a one year old on food, of what you can bring. - Yeah, whatever you like, bring them a sandwich. I mean, bring them a turkey sandwich. - Yeah. - That's the only thing they have. - Hey Abby, Abby and Abby, I am the first time mom and I just wanted to know what is one personal boundary that you've had to set off to become the mom. Thank you. Bye. - I wanted to meet like in mind. - What was it? - I don't share my water bottle with my kids anymore. - Oh yeah. - That was a hard boundary to set. - Mm. - And every time I say, I'm like, "Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh, ahhh, no." - Yeah, I go get new water bottles after. I clean my straws, I know. - I'm so sick of us all getting sick at the same time. And it's like I can do this one small thing. - Yep. - You're entitled to everything in my life. - Yep. - I want this one thing. - Yeah, it was really cute when they were one and they like did with your friends. - Your real does just started doing it. - Oh, it's so cute. Just give it my cup and then you all get sick so many times and you're like, get your mouth away from my straight hand. - Immediately. - I mean, if I turn my back, they're trying to drink it. I'm like, what about your water bottle? - Literally, she did do it eight thousand of them. - She's been coughing, they've all been coughing. And yeah, I think they might got it for my kids. - It's okay. Not Vivian, just she's just been coughing. But he was coughing too. So it's like, but he don't drink. And I always make my protein, creatine, electrolyte drink. And he always gets one sip. He's a lot of one sip every time. And I said, not today, buddy, because you're coughing. I leave the room. I come in and he goes, I take a sip, but I was gone. Behind my back. I gotta be sure. I mean, it wasn't a big deal, but I need to hold you. That's so funny. - I know, he like, out of the sudden. He was like, I took a sip, mama. I was like, okay. - He's always like, trying to like, get in the wheelchair, or whatever he's doing it. He's addicted to like, how do you talk? And he knows he's not like to me. And he's like, I'm gonna go. Pupu, but, yeah, he does do it like that. He likes to make some plays. And I'm like, time out. - Time out. (laughing) - He's great. What's my personal boundaries? Since becoming a mom. - She was saying one. - Was that not the right direction? Was that? - No, I think it was the wrong direction, but I liked the direction you went. - That's the direction I have. - Yeah. - I thought of that. 'Cause that was really a hard one to walk back. So as the first time, mom, set that boundary, set it, set that standards early. You're gonna want that. - Okay, last one. - Hi, Abby, Abby, and Addy. I just found out that I am pregnant with a boy, a little baby boy, and I am so excited, but I grew up in a house and a family of all girls, sisters, and cousins. So I don't know what to expect. So I would really love any stories that you could share. Maybe about some things that I can look forward to about being a boy, mom. Thank you, bye. - We are in the same boat, girl. I had all sisters. I had no idea what to expect about a boy. I didn't know how to take care of a boy hygienically. I didn't know anything about boys at all. I was like, whoa, what? But it was so fun. Every part of having a little boy is so fun. Their energy is fun. Just the way that they play is so cool. Their imagination is so fun. I know girls have these things too, but specifically, even just experiencing it from never experiencing a boy growing up in my house, it's been, it just makes it so cool to watch because it all just felt so new. So I just feel like everything. Everything is cool and exciting. It's even fun just getting to play with the trucks and the toys and watch the boy shows for me because I never got to do that. It's just cute. You're just experiencing a totally different, you're going to get to witness an experience of fully different childhood than you ever witnessed growing up. And you get to be a part of it, it's so fun. - See, I like that you're saying it was different. - It was so different. - The internet does not like it when we talk about boys versus girls, like generalizations. - Oh, okay, well they don't have to take it up with me. They can take it up. - So everyone is very open, you can disagree. It's a different experience. - It is. - That, I from Tallinn was a different thing. And with the boys, I feel like they are so. What's the word? You can really pull the rug out from under them if that makes sense. (laughing) Like I feel like my friends have girls. It's not like they're not curious, but I just feel like with like day-to-day things that they're very like distractable in a really good way. Like their imagination is so big and they're like, they're so eager to just like, they're not gonna sit and ask about a bunch of questions. They're like, they can just keep 'em. - You can just keep going. - You can keep those boys rolling and then they will roll all day long and then crash. - Yeah, they do. - And it's so great. It's so fun. - It is so fun. - They're very, yeah. But just all the stereotypes of very physical, but also just so affectionate. - Yeah, they are. - I feel like they are very tender towards me specifically and I know that that's a generalization, but it's true in our house. Like they're very like tender towards me and like, I don't feel like we like argue. Like, I know some of my friends that have girls are like, "Oh, we are." - Oh, we are fighting. - We are fighting. - We are you. - We are you. But he's so tender. - Yeah. - And I was ends with a big smooch. - No. - And it was a bigel hug. He was supposed to be holding him and then at night he'll ask. He'll be like, "Mom, let's sleep with me in one minute." - One night. - It's so sweet. - Yeah, very tender. - A big energy and big snobbles. - Yeah. - And I feel like they do feel like a sense of responsibility that is like really sweet too. Like with their, he's like, they always want to make sure like everyone is safe. And I feel like that's like a conversation all the time. They're like, "Who's going to keep you safe though?" Like the night that we left for the hospital. Like I was like, "Okay, daddy can go home with you and put you to bed." And then they're like, "But who's going to keep you safe?" - Oh my gosh, they're protective of you. That's so cute. - Yeah. - And I was like, "Well, honey will stay with me for a little bit longer." And then they're like, "Okay." Even though they were so sad and like worried about themselves, they were like, "That is so sweet." - Oh. - Oh, sweet. Yeah, they're very sweet boys. Yeah, you're gonna have a blast. Congratulations. It's so fun, big of boy-moss. - The best of us. - Always hungry? - Yeah. - Should we share recipes? - Yes. - I love this segment. - I do too. - I'm not cooking though. Everyone's been cooking for me, which is so sweet. - But when my friends made me protein balls and I asked, I said, "Is it okay if this information is public?" Because they're so delicious. And I can't wait to make them myself. I'm not much of like a snacky girl, but now that I'm breastfeeding, I like want hardy snacks and these protein balls are. She said she figures out about like five grams of protein in a bowl. Nice. Which I feel like it's really good. And so I'll include her rest in here. Because they're very good. And just for whimsy in mind, she added mini marshmallows and Halloween cadbury eggs. - Cute. - They're very tasty. - Yum. - Is it a peanut butter base? - They're definitely just peanut butter in it. - Yum. - Let's see. Oatmeal, coconut, flax seed, protein powder, peanut butter, a good amount of peanut butter. - Yum. - Honey, maple syrup, salt, mini chocolate chips. - All the good things. - I also want to say people have brought up the fact that you hold your iPad upside down. And they're wondering how we don't have the lock screen. Like we don't have the lock. So whatever way she grabs it is the way. - Yeah. - The whole episode last time I did notice it was upside down. I was like, don't say anything. - How is it consistent? Why? Cause that would really hurt my feelings. - I don't know. I just felt like, I was like, that's nitpicking. (laughs) - I was like, how is it upside down? I'm like, we just don't have the screen. - I can't use on how I consistently get it upside down. - I don't know. - How did you set it down and put it back up? - I don't know. - My recipe is, this is super simple, but I'm gonna make them for dessert this week. It's dates with peanut butter and dark chocolate and sea salt on top. It tastes like, it's so good. I ate them all the time when I was pregnant. They're just like the perfect tree at the end of the night and you don't think it would sound good, but the date tastes calmly and then you've got the peanut butter punch and then you've got to put a lot of dark chocolate on it and then sprinkle sea salt on top. - How do you think so they don't break your teeth? - Well, you've put them in the freezer until they're set. Then I keep them in the fridge. - Oh. - So they get softened in the fridge, the people. but the chocolate stays set. - People were, which I wouldn't say this, people were asking 'cause you're supposed to eat a day to the end of pregnancy. And that was actually one thing my doctor was like, there is a little bit of evidence actually to this one. And she's like, there's one study out of Israel, like she knows exactly where it came from. - Yeah, and something like that, I think. But people were asking, they were like, how do you eat them? Because I hate them. - Oh my gosh, I just eat them plain. And then I was gonna say that video. I was like, I raw dog thing. (laughing) And then I googled it before I was gonna say that. And I was like, is that in there? I said, is saying raw dog eat inappropriate? And I was like, it is, it is. - It is back space back space back space back space. - Okay, the way that I learned that term, which I'm a girl, that was in my high school, kept pregnant in high school. And they were like, why? That's the first time I heard about diets. - I actually, I didn't really know the word. - What is that? - I didn't really know the origin. So that's why I didn't know the origin. - That was my origin. - That's the origin story. So anyway, I'm sorry for saying that. - It's a funny term. Did you say it? - What? - Don't know. - Now I said it. - So I was talking about, maybe not saying it. Anyway, good, good, good, good, good. Yeah, but I'm obsessed with dates. I can put them in everything. - Yeah, I think they're really good. - I don't like them. - Okay. - You have to open them up, take the pit out, put a good little bit, fill them up with peanut butter, and don't go lie on the chocolate, don't drizzle it. I'm like, you're coating it in chocolate. Maybe if I try to like that. - Yeah. - It can be bad. - Like bacon or update? - Yum. - I love, I love a cooked date. Oh my gosh, a Hello Fresh Meal made me do that one time where I cooked them up. I put like a tablespoon of water in a pan and just saw Tim, they got soft. And then you put the veggie on with it. - Oh my gosh, I'm so good at making it do that. - It's unbelievable. - Great. - Okay. - Okay. - Now we can mix it. - Yeah, we can do a little synopsis and tell everyone your next pick. We just made a little video. - Yeah, still dizzy. I'm just kidding. - Oh, I'm excited. - What was it? - Wait. - The last something. - The last night, the last marriage. - Just last night. - Just. - Just last night. - Yes. - Just last night. - Mary, Mary. - Marie. - Make Farlin. - Marie McFarlin. - Marie McFarlin. - Just last night. - This is a goofy video. (laughing) - Oh, I love that you guys did that. But this was not a speeding Fisher. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I think it's been faster than that. (laughing) - No, you were really slow. And then we got to top that goal too. - Yeah, we did. - We got angles. - Wow. - It's been the Abigail. - So we'll be in the next book. - The next book. Just last night by Marie McFarlin. - Yes. - Book club. I'm giving it two and a half stars. - Are you able to three? - I am a two. - Yeah. Overall this book, what was your word? - Unsatisfying. - Unsatisfying. I feel like it went in a lot of different directions. Very unclearly or like didn't come to a lot of conclusions within the book. I didn't really know what to think at the end of reading it. I did think it was interesting seeing her try to justify her wrong that she did commit. I was like, that was interesting seeing her try to like convince herself that it was okay. I liked that aspect of the book but that was really it. - Yeah, I didn't like the main character and didn't hate her enough to like reading the book. There's a lot of promising offsuits where like we could have followed this plot line or this plot line and I started to be like excited about where that could go but then I just felt like they just tapered off and then also never got resolved in my opinion and then it was just the end of the book. And I do agree that like her internal conflict of like, no but this is okay because of this and like maybe I can spin it around and do this and I feel like that was like probably the most well-written part in my opinion. But the whole thing just got me wondering if I'm just too dumb. Am I missing the point? - I got, I felt like I was missing the point. - The best part of the book was the beginning. Very promising concept, really interested in that 'cause I feel like the first chapter ended and then there was like, she's like found the manuscript and I'm like, oh my gosh, what a terrible person. Like how could you even have that thought after what you just witnessed? And then you're like, oh this is a villain. - Yeah. - And then it was like, yeah. I wish the character development on the other characters a little deeper like with Athena and her ex-boyfriend and her mom, I'm like, yeah. - I thought there was a lot of missing character development. - I agree. - Yeah. - You're agree. - Not that I know anything about writing. - No, I could never do it. - Yeah, there was a lot, it was trying to do a lot. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Well you guys, this episode felt like a long time 'cause everyone was so patient with me at feeding the baby. - See that baby girl, we'll send you away. - That is what the transition looks like, but thanks everyone for your patience. Thanks everyone for being here. And leave a five star review wherever you guys listen to our podcast, Spotify, Apple, YouTube, all the things subscribe. Hey, we just hit 50,000 on YouTube. But thank you guys, it's so exciting. Thank you so much for subscribing and following along. You never miss an episode. And remember, we're always here. (upbeat music)