Mr. Sherlock Holmes

Hi, my name is Dox to. Ouch. *clears throat* Hey guys, I'm John. *clears throat* Bugga. *clears throat* What on earth are you doing? Shut up, just. Let me focus, yeah? Yes, focus, of course. Quite the Herculean task, isn't it? Saying one's name. Shhh. *clears throat* Hi. My name is Doctor John Watson. And I'm here with my flatmate Sherlock Holmes. Who is the subject matter for my podcast? What are you doing? Can you. Can you put the violin down please? Just, just for a minute. Watson, I really must be getting back to my work. Just, please. Your microphone is in the wrong mode. Right, do you know what? This is stupid, yeah? This just. I'll do the pre-titles myself, okay? Get out. Out. Out. Hi, I'm Dr. John Watson. This podcast contains strong language. Depictions of violence and some graphic content, listen to discretion, is advised. Ah, drug references, forgot drug references. False. Are you crazy? -One more. -Slavvy Ukraine. -One more. -One more. Hey, Dr. -You. -Dock. Hey, Watson. Are you recording? Yeah, I am. Yeah. You better blow my face out, okay? I'm not putting it anywhere, Dr. McQueen. We're my face out, that's funny. When you get arrested, back home. Uh, dinner. We're volunteering in Ukraine as an advice. -Front upon? -Right. Yeah, something like that. Pull it up there. Just pull it up here, same. Here, we can pull up here. God. When we can stop. -Hi, I'm the rat. -We move into the woods, aren't we, okay? Get out of here, all right? Now, stay on here. Hey, we got bodies. We got bodies. Jesus Christ. We go shelling again. They definitely rush. Yeah, they're not ours. Uh, call it in. Uh, get back in the truck. We'll stop half a mile further east, okay? Hold on. What's that? There's someone here. -He's rushing there. -He's rushing. All right, mate. Watson, the head's back to the road. Watson, come on. Bring him back to the road. Yeah, two sex. He's not coming with us. He can, he'll make it. It's not too bad a wound, to be honest. That shelling's getting close. Move. Now, we have to take him. We don't have to do anything. Leave him here and move now. Now. He's a kid. He's just. What was that? What's he got? What did you just do? Oh, shit. Run, run, run! Run, run, run! Run! Run, run, run! Somebody help me! Somebody help me! My name is Dr. John Watson. Once of the British Army, Northumberland fused a near regimen. Now, a true crime podcast that based in Central London. I don't have much experience in criminology. So this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know. Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes. The Criterion. The Humber Blunder. Providing getting 150 years of excellence. Download the Criterion out today. Okay, we're going to assume this flashing red light means. Well, I mean, it's recording and. Excuse me. Hi, hi there. John Watson. Dr. John Watson. It's Mary, isn't it? I think you've got me. Are you leaving? I'm leaving. Yeah, can we grab this table? I thought that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take the bloody table. Excuse me, could I get a point? Sorry, you are. Bottle. Right, yeah, bottle. Bottle of the pilsner, please, mate. If you are wondering, that is the sound of being stood up. So. Yeah. Five nights, please, mate. Of course it is. Yeah, this is stupid. I am turning this off. It is you mad! Yeah, yeah. John, it's me, Stanford. Stammer, how you doing? Stanford. Jesus Christ. You look great, mate. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, I'm alright, mate. I'm alright. Steady walking wound at these days. Oh, bloody hell, you're kidding what happened. Oh, it's a war, didn't I? Oh, yeah, yeah. I've got this now. Yeah, yeah, and the rest? Yeah, yeah. Lucas said you're in Ukraine. I'm on his couch, actually. But, yeah, I was in Ukraine, yeah. I speak Stain with Lucas now. Jesus, I don't know what's worse. Yeah, yeah, just staying with him for a bit. Do you want to drink, Stammer? Yeah, I'd love one. Excuse me. Oh, let me just turn this off. It's a microphone. You could be a kid. Just have to get my head around all the settings and, you know, yeah. What, you and. You're going to give us a song? Yeah, no. It's. I was planning on doing a podcast. You and everybody else, mate. For Vets. For Vets. War Vets. Veterans. Not like actual Vets. Oh, I'm sorry. For a minute, I was pitching you with your underpick hours. I was also doing your podcast. Well, you see me do worse. Well, yeah. Well, it's a year for you, innit? You're going to head back home. Or you're staying in London. And then drain yourself in the great cesspool. Expensive, cesspool. I'm going to get a flat share or something for a few months. See if I don't know if I can get a bargain somewhere. Yeah, I know. I don't know. No chance. Comfortable rooms, reasonable price. No, no, no, no. It's just, um. You're the second person that said that to me today. Who is the first? Sherlock Holmes! Oh, my God. What is he doing? Stammo. Why is he on a treadmill covered in blood? Um, Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes. Hey, mate. You okay? Yeah, you're bleeding. Do you want to slow down? I can't live with him. He's a criminal. Sorry. Fighting or assisting those new crane amount to offenses under UK legislation. Yeah, Stammo. Did you, um. I'm gonna shoot off. Did you message him? What's on it? Great to see you, John. It's been too long, mate. I'll see you soon, all right, and Sherlock. Mm-hmm. Nice to see you. My lads. Stammo. Do you want to maybe examine him or something? See you later. Stammo. Hello! So, I. I don't know what Stanford. Um, Stammo. I used to call him Stammo, it's a stripping university thing. Yeah, I don't know what you sent on about me, but, um. Yeah, I'm John. I'm a doctor. Yes. You said shortly after I had observed it myself. An average doctor and an average military man. Didn't even complete a medical training upon arrival at Stamdhurst, and yet you chalked up three tours of Afghanistan. I wouldn't brag too strongly about the doctor credentials. An evidently the military credentials leave a lot to be desired. What. what did you just say? Feel free to have a listen again when you're up load your audio tonight. Not that you have any idea how that mic works. You don't want to use an only directional mic for interviews, Dr. Watson. Perhaps you should think less about saving money and more about better microphone to the fair, earing mode, such as cardioid by directional and stereo. Hold this. Hold what? Oh, what the hell is that? How did you know all of that? This is scanning an electron microscopic transmission or the ventricle wall of the hypothalamus. Right here. And of course, intraventricular dentry terminals of the cerebrospinal fluids. And I think the end of fundibular lobe. Not sure. We'll see. That's what the hell it is. And I know all about you because I observed it, not to. Right. And. Why are you bleeding? Because I stabbed myself in the chest. Okay. Um. Why. Why did you stab yourself in the chest? Experiment. Do me a favour. Stabbing the arm at that knife over there, will you? Absolutely not. What are you. What are you experimenting on? I told you. I'm monitoring the hypothalamus. What for? The hypothalamus endorphin response from the vigorous exercises nature's pain-kelo-dot to Watson. For the first time, I shall look home as Am, recording the volume and response of these hallmarks. Great. When is it going to be done? It's. Done. Oh, well done, you. Indeed. Did she give you a reason? Did she. Did she what? Sorry? Why, she stood you up? How did you know that? Dr Watson, I exhibit often erratic behaviour. Interspersed with lengthy episodes of depression. I'm an insomniac, a megalomaniac and a coprophiliac. That's a joke. Ah, right. I'm not really a coprophiliac. I don't know what that is. A sexual attraction to human waste? Did you not teach you that at Sand Test? No. Ah. Also, according to the DSM, I have ADHD, ASD, SPD, DMDD, ODD and DID. You have PTSD, that one I don't have for now. I also smoke. I don't have PTSD. It's much easier we find out now rather than later, after the deposit in first month's rent. Oh. Erm. Oh. Erm. I have a dog. Well, my mum has the dog, but I'll probably get archie back. Now that I'm in the UK, so. Yeah, I have a dog. I like dogs. Very cooperative. Er, what else about me? Well, er, I know everything else. Don't touch that. I also play the violin. Uh-huh. Are we starting a band as well? No. I play the violin. Violins are loud. Not everyone would appreciate a flatmate that plays loud instruments at. Unsociable hours. Particularly someone who's just been blown up. Right. Er, no, that's not, er, not a problem. Do you fancy a pint or something? Just to sort of. break the ice, release some more. endorphins. It's the year in a nitrate. It's your itch. Oh, no, it's, erm, it's from the scarring on my leg. Well, there's. What are you stitching? You're doing your own stitches. Mm-hmm. Well, would you like me to do that? Do you have experience? Er, I'm an army doctor. Then be my guest. [BANGING] When the IED exploded, did it make a dull, thudding sound or more of a metallic clang? Er, don't, er, don't really remember. I think the second one? Yeah. Rubbish. Yeah, that's war for you. No. Your Russian adversary supplies are so depleted, they resorted to building a totally useless IED right there on the front lines. An IED with not anywhere near enough urea nitrate to provide a stupidly over ambitious 20-pound bomb with any kind of lethal capability. Your IED build could have done with a little less I and a bit more EED. Nevertheless, as I said, that IED is from the urea nitrate. It's a fertiliser and it's causing the irritation. Have you considered surgery? Alternatively, you can find a cream and boots, although I'd recommend one with one to 1.5% cortisol. Titer stitching doctor. Sorry, what. What did. What did Stanford say to you? He said Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Watson, Doctor Watson's Sherlock Holmes. Then he directed the rest of the brief conversation to you before saying he'll see me later. No, that. Have you googled me or something? No, and I wouldn't find anything if I did. Apart from a local paper and wheelchair over dramatising your bomb only should be skim-read by some vaguely interested old school friends who can't quite place you. Just like. I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Or. You know, but. It was really. It was a bloody good. Doctor Watson. I know when the foreign legion entered the curse on Oblast. I know the casualties it incurred. I know that an unnamed Brit suffered at the hands of a Russian booby-trap, one kilometre from the Antonovsky Brit. I know that. I could even harvest that kind of information from our friend Google, as you suggest. I can tell by the way you limp that your bone and cartilage are intact. I can see that your itch is along the outer side of your calf. So not one piece of shrapnel from a bomb that would have detonated no further than ten yards, given the fusing delay element away from your good self, perforated your leg. No exit wounds, no bone damage. No good. Hi. Erm. Want to go look at the flat? Sure. Follow me. Slow down. So what was her reason? I mean, treat. She just didn't turn up. Fascinating. Are you central? Isn't it? Blimey, won't you need in the old zone three travel card for this place? Hey. It's part of a housing scheme. Stamos said it was part of a housing scheme. Thing? Yes. Hmm. How do you manage that? Favours in exchange for all services. I won't ask. Oh, she's running late, isn't she? You're not all happened, though. What's that? We'll spend all this time waiting for one estate agent, then two will show up. Why would two show up? No, it was just a joke. You know, because we're waiting on the street, like for a bus. We're not. No, no, no, no. I mean, it's as if we're waiting for a bus. Mm-hmm. And yeah, with the weird. phenomenon, London buses. You wait around for them and they will show up. Like, you know, like two of them appear. And in his sleep. Yeah. I suggest you edit out this part of your podcast. Ah, yes. Right. It isn't a phenomenon, Doctor. Bus A and Bus B have staggered departure times. Bus A picks up the bulk of the passengers as it embarks on its route first. Stops are there for more frequent and prolonged. Bus B follows, making shorter stops and often less stops all together. As Bus A has picked up most and in the case of some stops all of the passengers. Therefore, Bus B takes the route faster than Bus A, causing occasional overlap and synchronised arrival times. Hi, I'm Mariana from Hudson. Oh, thank God for that. Hi, Mariana, I'm John. Sorry, I'm late. The tubes today are terrible. Pick a dilly line. Yes. Such a nightmare. Okay, are we ready? Very central, isn't it? Open the door. It's a loud street. But I find the sash windows keep a lot of the street noise out. I assure you they don't. Okay, here we go. This is 2-2-1-A Baker Street. Small reception room as you come in and on your right there, that's the lounge. Very big, airy Victorian room. Georgian. With, I'm, high ceilings and the bedroom is just there, kitchen over here. Oh, it's got laundry facilities. It's a washer-dryer combination, I think. Let me just check. Sorry, Mariana. The, um, the other bedroom. Hmm? The bedroom? It's just there. This is a one bedroom. Yes. Oh, are you two planning to have a lot of guests? The previous tenants had a sofa bed in the lounge? It's, it's no problem, honestly. I'll call Hudson's right now, speak to someone in the office, and we'll find something for you. No, no, it's, it's fine. Got to watch some, it was a pleasure. All the best for the. Hi, Sunsie. PTSD? Yeah. Um. Good to meet you, too. I'm looking for a two bed. Mm-hmm. Oh, perfect. Okay, dokey. Yep. I've got a set of keys, so it'll be one of them. Good news, gentlemen. Obstairs is available. That's a two bed. Uh. sure. Let's have a look. Gentlemen? This is 221B Baker Street. Welcome to, um. episode one of roommates from hell. It's, uh. It's two A-N. And, um. Can you hear them? Maniac. Oh, this is a bloody joke. Honestly, God. Psychopath update is, um. 314 AM. And, uh. And that is. A gun. An actual gun. Yeah, it was kind enough to fix a silencer to it, at least. You know, a weirdest thing in a list of weird things. I wish I was recording when he said it all. I, um. I asked him how he knew about Sandhurst, and then I left early. And he said he could tell by the sun damage on my right arm from three tours ago. And he said, "It's around them." It's around a tattoo I had removed after a, uh. After a bad breakup, which is true. And, um. Yeah, uh. He knew I was going on a date. Because I've got a, like. Well, you know, it's nothing really, but like a little rash on my neck. Just, um. And where I sprayed some aftershave earlier. It's barely a blemish, but. Yeah, I try and avoid this stuff because of that. A really. Really good dermatologist. I'm not a human bathroom! [Sigh] [Sigh] It's 5.24. I just managed to peek around the door, and he's still armed. This time, with a sword. [Sigh] Oh! Hello! Silence! Either he's gone to bed, or he's stabbed himself to death. Either option seems too good to be true, to be honest. Ah! Lucky me. Time for some shot, I. [Sigh] Somebody help me! [Sigh] [Coughing] Oh. Oh, Jesus. [Sigh] That's President. [Sigh] [Sigh] Oh, what bloody now? He's having bloody guests around here. First thing in. Okay, enough is enough. [Sigh] Did you know what, mate? Please, do not move! Engage him in time! No! Just do not move! I made you breakfast. Mm-hmm. Look. Doctor. Look. Doctor, you're not looking. Doctor, you know what this is? Yep. It's deruny. Yummy. Like in Ukraine. Yes, I know. A bean. I was thinking about your IED this morning and it got me a little peckish for deruny. Would you like some borscht? It's a sour beetroot soup. Like in Ukraine. You're stressed. Oh, what gave me away? Everything. Was it something I should? Salo? Who was that this morning? Why was I accosted by Jack Bauer or bloody Jason Bourne in my own flat? Mm, yeah. Berac apologized for that. Maybe you didn't hear. Shut up. What are you doing? You told me to shut up. Shut up as in explain. Berac. Berac Obama. Mm. This borscht needs some pamphuska. Vegetables are in square chunks. There's a hint of dried smelt. Could be Russian. Bollocks. Berac Obama was in the lounge. Indeed. As was his security detail. You met them. What was Berac Obama doing in the lounge? Thanking me in person. For what? My services. Services that far outmatch those of his aforementioned security detail let me tell you. When are you leaving? What? When am I? What? You're moving out. Right. Come on. How? Excuse me? Obvious. Is it? Your bags are packed in the seal. And? It's just little details, nothing big. No, come on. I'm all ears. You've removed the bedsheet from the bed. I don't smell urine, so that rules out a trip to the lawn dread. Your phone has lit up with two notifications. One right move, one gum tree. You can't afford either, by the way. And your heart rate is 127. That's because of course despite being a military man, you have a slight conflict foe, beer, and your apprehensive about informing me of your premature departure. Hmm. Heart rate is now 133. Even though when I met you yesterday it was 78. However, at that point of course you had consumed a pint of beer. Ah, I was a bottle! I was on a pint! You had two. But you didn't finish the second one. Yeah, because we went to meet you in your back cave or whatever it was. And I could get a total of a pint, Dr Watson, 330 milliliters in the first, 214th, Heart rate is 138. You should see a doctor. Stop doing that. Then I suggest you practice some of your breathing exercises. It's to slow your heart rate or take your hands off the table so I can no longer feel it through cheap Ikea pine. So I'll ask the gum. Was it something or a shirt? It was a good bomb. All right, it was loud and terrifying. And so fucking life changing. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm making a podcast for Christ's sake. I'm living in Baker Street. It was good. It was good. It wasn't. Jesus. This bush is very disappointing. Wouldn't you agree, doctor? Shut up. Watch. Your laptop is an urgent need of an update. Just watch. He's a kid. He's just. What was that? What's he got? Oh shit. Run. Run. There he is. [Grunts] John. John. What the-- [Screams] Somebody help me. Somebody help. Very poor indeed. That video confirms my findings. Thank you, doctor. Although in future I will acknowledge what a bomb can do to the mind. Of course. Especially one is loud. Thanks. Oh, who's that then? Justin Trudeau, the King of Spain. No. Fully pay and I are. No longer on speaking terms. That, Dr Watson, can only be one thing. Mm-hmm. A job. What? [Grunts] [Grunts] [Grunts] Sherlock Holmes? Hmm. Murder. Very possibly. Come on in. Dr Watson offered our visitors some boreshed. Hello. Officer? Um. Sour beetroot soup. It's a case for you. The stride wants to know it here. Sorry? For me. A case. A case? Oh, you're a lawyer. No. Officer, tell me of the situation apart from the obvious. What? What's the obvious? You found the body of an American male in an abandoned house in. Brickston. How? Are you a. Councilor? Do I seem like a councilor to you? No. I'm a consulting detective, Watson. Ha. No, you're not. Yes, I am. As in, like, a private investigator. He's much better than that. What she said. Great. That's great. So I'm living with a Facebook sleuth. Some criminology hobbyist. Watson will be pleased to know your biggest fear that Mary came into the criterion bar, saw you, and left is unfounded. So what happened to Mr. Mary? Well, let's see. You picked the criterion bar because you thought it polite to pick a halfway point between the two of you. So you chose the criterion in Piccadilly, which means somebody lives in North London. The other lives in West London. Why West? Why North? The Piccadilly line. It doesn't serve East, and it doesn't serve South. So you both live off that line. Why not Bakerloo? That also serves Piccadilly's focus. Because you would have mentioned it yesterday. After all, we were at Baker Street. You did, however, mention a Zone 3 travel card, which would suggest you were staying in that area temporarily. I'd venture for West over North. North would leave you with Wood Green and Turmpite Lane, not the kind of neighbourhoods for a doctor with affluent alumni charms like yourself, particularly one with the spare room. You embarked from Northfields, I suspect, and Mary from Turmpite Lane? Your date, if you can call it, was booked for 4pm. At 3.20pm yesterday, however, a man suffered a heart attack on a Piccadilly line train just outside Finnsby Park. severe delays for the next hour or so, and Mary is nowhere to be seen. Why is she nowhere to be seen? Because she helped the poor man and got him to hospital and saved his life. How do we draw that conclusion? Well, if she's booking a date for 4pm, then she's probably done night shifts. Who does night shifts? Doctors, firefighters, security guards, police officers, and. Nurses. Yeah, she's. erm. She's a nurse. She's a nurse, you're a doctor, she's a police officer, and I'm a consulting detective. Shall we crack on? Hello, officer? Erm. Sour beetroot soup. I'm done editing the first episode. If you like what you hear, give us five stars, and leave an ice review sort of thing. I've uploaded part one of our first adventure, the illustrious client. The second part of that will be out next week. I'll upload an episode of week, come rain or shine. And you never know, maybe I'll make a career out of this or something. If you want to know more, give us a follow on Twitter or no, erm. X. Erm. erm. I mean, yeah, X. Follow me on X. Christ, doc, doc, doc, doc, at doc, J Watson MD, erm. All one word, that's doc, J Watson MD. And erm. What are you doing? I'm done editing the thingy. I have to pop out. There's a dead goat in the lounge. Don't touch it, especially not its kidney. It's a matter of significant down-of-tomical discovery, a real game-change over the goat community at long last. Right, Sherlock, why are we dissecting goats?