Speaker 1shoes teeth bag homework if you have said those four words more times than you can count before eight o'clock this morning this episode is for you because here is the thing no one tells you the more you remind the less they do the nagging is not fixing the problem it is the problem today i'm going to explain why pushing doesn't work and exactly what does instead i'm dr mary hann and this is how not to screw up your kids hello and welcome how are you this morning i think if you are listening to this episode and it's super resonating the introduction then i feel your pain because it is a really difficult and a very real challenge that we have as parents so let's start with something which i hope will change how you see every single one of the battles that i mentioned in the introduction and probably more so motivation is not a personality trait it is not something some children are born with and some are not it is a state and one which we as parents either cultivate or undermine usually without realize which we're doing i'm going to kind of dive quite deep into some context here before i go into my five tips so hopefully this will also help you understand where your child might be at and the where which of the tips that you need to be focused specifically on okay so there are two kinds of motivation intrinsic motivation which is doing something because it is inherently satisfying because it connects to who you are or what you care about or because doing itself feels good extrinsic motivation is doing something to get a reward avoid a consequence or meet someone else's expectations and we can relate these to our our own intrinsic and extrinsic motivation too now both intrinsic and extrinsic motivation have their place but here is the critical thing research has shown us again and again extrinsic motivation the motivation that is about doing something for a reward or to avoid a consequence or to meet someone else's expectations when overused actively erodes intrinsic motivation that kind of doing something because it's inherently satisfying when children are rewarded for doing things maybe that they already enjoy they tend to end up enjoying them less when they're reminded to do things so consistently that the reminder lives in our head as their parents rather than theirs they never develop the internal drive to do it themselves now this is self-determination theory which is developed by two psychologists edward and richard ryan and it is one of the most robust findings in motivational psychology now there are three basic psychological needs which have to be met for intrinsic motivation that's that self-drive so i always think of it as in being within you x being outside of you but you there are three things that need to be met for intrinsic motivation to flourish the first is autonomy yeah the sense that you are choosing this the second is competence the sense that you are capable of it and three relatedness the sense that it connects to something or someone you care about so every time we issue a command we remove autonomy every time we do something for a child that they can do themselves we remove competence and when tasks feel disconnected from anything meaningful relatedness disappears too and can you see with those three we've then lost the drivers for intrinsic motivation so the goal of everything in this episode is not to get your child to do things it is to help them to become someone who does things and there's a very big difference because if i'm someone who does things that's intrinsic motivation if i am someone who you know getting our child to do things is extrinsic motivation and that's the shift that we want to move towards so as usual let's just have a look at what that means in terms of the fine lens and the wide lens now for most families this look the lens looks like the daily nag cycle yeah the morning routine which requires your full project management skills the homework which doesn't happen unless you're standing over it the bedroom which is never tidied unless you reach a certain decibel level in your request nothing catastrophic in itself just relentless and exhausting and sustainable for absolutely no one the fine lens version is also the one where parents have tried everything the reward charts the consequences the long conversations about responsibility and nothing seems to stick beyond a week now when we look at the wide lens for some families it's maybe gone further there's a child or a teenager who appears to own nothing who initiates nothing without prompting who seems entirely indifferent to whether things happen or not homework hygiene relationships all of it requires the parent to be able to do what they want to do and that's to care more than the child does now this can feel like apathy or laziness or a character flaw it is almost never any one of those it is what happens when ownership has been transferred when a child who's grown up with someone else holding all of the responsibility and they simply never had to pick it up for themselves or it is anxiety masquerading as not caring or it is a neurodevelopmental difference which makes self-initiating and self-reliance a very important part of a child's life and it is something that we need to be aware of and it's something that we will come to shortly so when we look at the wide lens we're looking at this shift in responsibility and ownership and this capability or we're looking at specific aspects in terms of supporting anxiety or skills around task initiation so the three skills we're going to be building across this podcast episode and the tips will be related to that within the context of your child's age and stage of development is firstly we want to shift the perspective of the child's ownership from us as the parent to our children gradually deliberately one task at a time the second thing we want to be doing is understanding which conditions grow intrinsic motivation and which quietly kill it so that we can stop doing the second by accident so we can focus on the growing and begin to start removing the bits that we do that slowly erode it and thirdly we want to shift the perspective of the child's ownership from us as the parent to our children and this is the big one this is the really challenging one is that we then want to be able to tolerate the transition because when you stop reminding things will not happen immediately there will be a period where the homework does not get done and the teeth do not get brushed and you will be absolutely certain as you're going through that period of time that you're failing and that you're doing everything wrong but that isn't the case what's happening is your child is discovering what it feels like to own something and it's going to be uncomfortable for you much more than for them the crucial aspect here is holding your nerve because it is working now i want to start initially by looking at what intrinsic and extrinsic motivation looks like at the different ages and stages before i dive into my five top tips and how you then can implement those across the different age spans so this is really you know i like to think i've done a pretty comprehensive job with this particular episode because i know it is such a big part of the challenges and the frustrations that we have as parents so when we think of toddlers and the early years there's something which surprises most most parents in this particular piece because actually in those toddler years those two to five years motivation is at its highest point in those toddler years think about it when you're if you have got a child at that age you're probably living through this regularly if you if your children are older try and think back and think back to that two-year-old who wanted to put their own shoes on the ferocious concentration that they did with it the absolute refusal of help maybe it wasn't shoes maybe it was something else you know i'll do it i can do it the enormous pride they get when it works that is intrinsic motivation in its purest form now i say this with love and if this is something that you have done because i know that i did it so much but we undermine it unintentionally by doing things for them in the name of efficiency yeah we're going to be late it is easier that i do it they'll make a mess all of the things are true and all of them cost us something it's the gradual quiet erosion of a child who believed they could now at this age if you're listening to this video and you're listening to this video and you're listening to this video and you've got a child of this age and you want to protect that intrinsic motivation visual routines do much more than verbal reminders so a simple picture chart you know on the bathroom wall in the kitchen showing the sequence of wake up toilet wash hands get dress, breakfast, whatever the routine is, gives your child something to follow, which is not a parent's voice. It's not you saying what needs to be done. They are simply, they're not complying with you. They're simply following their chart. And the distinction is everything because that develops. Remember, if they're complying with us, it's extrinsic motivation. If they're following their chart, it's intrinsic. So that's our really young children who are desperate to be able to do things themselves. When we start moving to the younger sort of early school years, so five to eight generally, at this stage, competence is the primary motivator. Yeah. Children want to feel capable. They want to feel that they can do it. Our toddlers don't have the concept of whether they can or they can't. They just want to try. So the most powerful thing that we, in say to a five, six or seven year old is not well done. It is instead, you figured that out yourself. We're shifting that extrinsic, I asked you to do something well done to intrinsic, you as an individual figured that out yourself and you've developed that sense of capability. So choice is a really crucial part of what, how we can develop intrinsic motivation because choice within a structure works exceptionally well. So do you want to do your reading? Before or after your snack? It's a real choice. Do your reading now is a command and that's extrinsic. So that choice builds that sense of capability. The difference in how a child responds to these two sentences is not small. It is significant because in the first, they have autonomy. Yeah. Do you want to do it before or after your snack? In the second, so they get to choose when, but in the second, they're complying with our will and children who are always compliant with our will. So they get to choose when, but in the second, they're complying with our will, never build their own. Now I just want to say a word on reward charts. They can work in the short term. And there is no question about that for some children, for others, they just don't work at all. But research on the over justification effect shows that when children receive external rewards for things they are already doing or beginning to do intrinsically, they become less likely to do those things when the reward is removed because we're almost kind of hardwiring the connection between the two. So use them sparingly. If they work for your child, then use them sparingly for things like habits, which genuinely need building from scratch or a short term chart can help, but don't rely on them indefinitely and always plan for how you'll phase them out. Now, if we start looking at children who are a little bit older in the latter part of their primary school years and just shifting into their secondary school, something shifts in that middle childhood, that sort of eight to 12, and children begin to build an identity, not just a sense of what they can do, but a sense of who they are. An identity is the most powerful motivational lever available. I am the kind of person who looks after things. I'm someone who finishes what I start. In our family, we all do our bit. These sorts of sentences used naturally, not as a lesson. Lecture connect everyday tasks to something much larger than the task itself. They connect to self-concept and self-concept is extraordinarily motivating around that intrinsic piece. So this is also the age to begin explicitly transferring ownership, not gradually reducing reminders, but actually physically handing the task over. For example, managing your homework diaries in time is one of the most important things that we all need to do. We need to be able to keep track of what we're doing. If something does not get handed in, then it is between you and your teacher, for example. And then this is the hardest part, actually doing nothing. Because there's one thing to say, you're letting that go and you're letting the natural consequence land. And then the other part is that you say it and then you swoop in to protect, which then undermines that intrinsic driver. The forgotten PE kit, the incomplete homework, these are the things that you need to are not parenting failures. They are learning opportunities that no amount of reminding could create. And we have to sit with that. If you think sometimes it's quite loaded when we worry about our children not handing in homework or going into school and forgetting games kits or whatever that might be, because it feels like it's a dereliction of our obligation and duty as their parent to ensure that these things happen. And if you feel that way and you're concerned, then I would encourage you to connect with their teachers and just say, you know, we're really working on this notion of intrinsic motivation. We've handed over the responsibility of games kit, PE kit and homework to them. So please don't feel like we're not monitoring it. But we know that this is going to be a bit of a painful process initially, but we think it's really important for their development that they own it. And there will be no teacher that will come back to you and say, that's unacceptable. So if you're sort of avoiding doing it because you're worried about how it might look that you're not really parenting appropriately or you're not taking care of your child, you're not taking care of your child, you're not taking their academic life seriously, then have that conversation. Because fundamentally, if you think about when children learn to swim, learn to ride a bike, learn to walk, they make mistakes, they fall off, they bump their heads, they bump their bottoms, they bump their legs. And this is exactly the same thing. They're going to make mistakes. They're not going to do their homework on time always. They're going to not always necessarily brush their teeth. But that's part of the learning process. If we think we've got to get out of this thinking, if just by nagging, that they're then going to somehow learn that it's really important for them to brush their teeth. They learn that it's really important to brush their teeth by owning the responsibility to brush their teeth. So enough said. Moving on to teenagers. Autonomy is not just important for teenagers. It is the whole ballgame. So there's a concept in psychology called reactance, and it's described by Jack Brehm, which explains something every parent of a teenager. When people feel their freedom is being restricted, when our teens feel that we're restricting their freedom, they do the opposite of what is being asked. And that is specifically so that they can reclaim that freedom. The more we push, the more they resist. It's not defiance for its own sake. It is self-protection mechanism, and it is completely predictable. They're on that journey to becoming these independent adults that will end up leaving home. So this means that almost entirely counterproductive. The lever is not pressure. It is connection to their values, to their own identity, their vision of who they want to be. What do you want your life to look like in two years is more motivating as a conversation than you need to revise or you will fail. Not because it is softer, but because it hands the ownership, their future, their choice, their vision to them. The role shifts from driver to navigator, we can point out the map, but they are at the wheel. So it's about picking our battles with absolute care. If we're fighting about everything, the room that has got clothes all over the floor and an unmade bed, the homework that they keep putting off, the phone, the attitude, the diet, we own all of it and they have none of it. Choose one or two things which genuinely matter to you and let the rest go. Counter-intuitively withdrawing from the battles that you have been losing is often what creates space for a teenager to step up. So before we move on to the five top tips, I just want to have a note on neurodivergent children because everything I've covered so far applies across the board. But for neurodivergent children, there are some important additional layers. So for a child with ADHD, the challenge is not unwillingness. It is neurological. Task is genuinely hard when the brain's dopamine system works differently. Routine tasks carry no reward signal. So the brain finds no particular reason to begin them. It's not laziness. It is a deficit in the executive function circuitry, which most of us use without thinking. So what helps is external scaffolding, which does the executive function work the brain is not doing automatically. Visual timers, so time feels real and concrete, not abstract. Written checklists. I love a post-it note. So memory does not have to carry the load. Body doubling, which you may not have thought of, but body doubling, it's about doing tasks alongside someone else, which provides enough sort of that ambient stimulation to help the ADHD brain engage. And so you can do that where maybe you sit at the table and you're doing some work or they've got a sibling that's also doing some work and that helps. And temptation bundling. So pairing a boring task with something inherently enjoyable, like maybe listening to some music or a favorite podcast while they're tidying their room, for example. Now on the question of reward for ADHD brains, immediate rewards work far better than delayed ones. So the promise of something nice at the weekend on a Monday means almost nothing neurologically. The reward has to be close in time to the task for the dopamine system to make the connection. Small, immediate acknowledgements land far more effectively than than big future incentives. Now, for autistic children, routine and predictability are inherently motivating. The child who refuses to do something now may do it perfectly at the right time, in the right order, in the right way. Working with their established routines rather than against them where possible is almost always more effective than trying to introduce flexibility within the routine already. Transitions between tasks are where it's particularly hard. So the move from one activity to another requires quite a lot of that cognitive effort that can feel enormous. So build in a bit of preparation time, a bit of transition time. In 10 minutes, we are going to start getting ready for bed. That gives the brain time to make that shift rather than an abrupt time to get ready now, which will often be a bit more time-consuming. It can often trigger resistance, which looks like defiance, but is actually just overwhelm. Sensory considerations matter enormously here too. So toothbrushing, certain clothing, food preparations, these may carry sensory costs, which we as parents are not always aware of. What looks like refusal to brush teeth may be genuine sensory discomfort. It is worth exploring the sensory dimension in conversation before assuming that it's a motivational dimension. And then thirdly, PDA, pathological demand avoidance. It's a profile which is increasingly understood as sitting within the autistic spectrum in which demands trigger significant anxiety and resistance. And demands include helpful reminders, gentle suggestions, and questions which are framed as requests. Would you like to put your shoes on? Is still a demand. The resistance is not willful. It is driven by an anxiety response to feeling controlled, which is genuinely overwhelming. The approach which works is a low-demand one. Replace instructions with indirect invitations. I wonder if the shoes might want to come out now rather than please put your shoes on. That removes the sense of demand as much as possible. And collaborative problem-solving, Ross Green's approach, works well. We need to leave in five minutes, and I'm not sure how that's going to work. Do you have any ideas? The child is our partner in the problem, not the subject of the instructions. Now, this requires a significant shift in how we think about parenting children with PDA, away from the idea that consistency and clear instructions are always the answer, and towards a much more flexible, creative, collaborative approach in those moments. It is harder, and it does work. So, we've got all of the context now about our children's ages, about the areas that we're going to be working on in terms of the skills that we're going to develop. So, here are my top five tips and how we can implement them for our different age and stage children. So, number one, you probably have guessed this one, stop reminding and hold your nerve through the fallout. This is the one most powerful and the most difficult thing, I think, in this episode to do. As long as you are doing the reminding, you're going to be able to do the same thing. So, number one, you've got to do the reminding, the tasks belong to you. The moment you stop, the task becomes available for your child to own, but they will not pick it up immediately. Yeah, there will be a gap, a period where things do not happen, and your job is to sit with that gap without filling it. And I know that that's hard. And you may choose, depending on when you're listening to this episode, to do this particular transition, maybe over a school holiday, because you just feel that that gives you a bit more space in order to do that, then great. Or do it even begin that process over a weekend. Transfer the reminder function to a system, not yourself. So, whether that's a visual routine chart on the bathroom wall, in the kitchen, in their bedroom, a checklist maybe that they help design rather than you doing it extrinsic. We want them to own it, for them to be part of that I do things. An alarm maybe on their phone if they have a phone, or God forbid, we use an ordinary alarm clock. The reminder still exists. What we're doing is we've just moved it from our voice and us telling them to something that is external and is owned by them. That matters, because a chart isn't nagging. Post-it note reminders aren't nagging. Reminders that they set maybe on digital devices is not nagging. A chart doesn't have feelings. A chart doesn't escalate. And crucially, following a chart or post-it notes is the child's own action. It's not compliance with us. So, that's number one. How we implement that with younger children, I would recommend is much more picture-based charts, either with maybe Velcro tabs that they get to move themselves as each task is done. And that physical act of moving the picture gives them a sense of completion and ownership. If you don't have time to create these, then there are lots available that you can purchase or alternatively use post-it notes with little emojis on there. Primary school age children, these can be written checklists that they can help us create. We want to involve them in deciding what goes on in it and in what order. And autonomy in the design means more buy-in from them to actually doing it. With teens, they're probably, it will be their phones, their alarm, their responsibility. Your only role is to agree what the expectation is, then step back completely. Number two, transfer ownership of one thing at a time, not everything at once. Parents who decide to stop micromanaging often make the mistake of withdrawing from everything simultaneously. And what then happens is the child becomes completely overwhelmed. Nothing happens. We as parents then conclude that that approach doesn't work and we go back to square one. It does work, but it requires us to be patient and it requires precision. So, if we pick the smallest, least loaded task that you can find, find and transfer it completely, whether that's getting their school bag ready the night before, is entirely yours now. I'm not going to remind you, if it doesn't happen, that is between you and school, then do nothing. One task, transferred fully and followed through on, it's worth much more than 20 partial attempts. Once that task is genuinely owned, not for a week, but reliably over a month, then we can add another. It's a slow process, but what happens then is we build that sense of competence. And what I think is really important is that we build that sense of competence what I usually find is the first two, three, four ownership tasks are really slow to develop. And then it just speeds up because they just become much more capable with doing it because they get that sense of ownership. And then that builds into that identity of I'm someone who gets things done. Now, for our toddlers, for our young children, maybe choosing their own outfit from a couple of options that we've selected, they own it from that moment. So, we can get to at least make sure that they're wearing appropriate clothes. And then we can build that sense of but, you know, they get that choice. For older children, it might be packing their own snack, making their own bed imperfectly. This is not about the standard. It's about the ownership. Primary school age children, it might be managing their own homework diary, deciding when in the evening to do their reading and remembering extra things that they need to take in like their games kit. And for teenagers, maybe it's their morning routine from start to finish. Their own alarm, their own preparation for the day, you know, begin with the morning and don't touch it, not even to check. So, that's number two. Number three, use autonomy supporting language. So, the words we use matter far more than we realize. You need to tidy your room and when would be a good time to sort your room land completely differently. Not because one is softer, but because one gives the child the agency and one does not. You need to tidy your room. So, when would be a good time to sort your room is me, power, authority, I'm telling you. I own the problem. I'm asking you to do it. When would be a good time to sort your room is handing over responsibility and ownership to your child for them to use their autonomy to come back with an appropriate time. So, autonomy supportive language offers real choice. It's not a steered ones. It uses questions rather than commands. It acknowledges the child's perspective before stating the expectation. It sounds like, I know you'd rather keep playing and we need to leave in 10 minutes. What's your plan? Rather than stop playing and get your shoes on. This is not about avoiding conflict or being a pushover or permissive parent. It's about framing things in a way which preserves the child's sense that they have some control and that sense of control is what makes them willing to engage rather than resist. So, for toddlers and young children, two real choices, both of which you're happy with. Pajamas, or teeth first. Not, do you want to do your teeth? But it's a real choice. For the primary school children, what's your plan for homework tonight? Rather than have you done your homework? The one invites ownership, the other initiates a yes or no, which ends the conversation. Teenagers, genuine open questions. How are you going to handle the revision for this one? Treats them as capable of having a plan, checking whether they have done nothing, treats them as suspects. Number four, what's your plan in relation to identity rather than compliance? Because I said so is probably be within anyone else. It's the least motivating thing a parent can say to a child over the age of four. It offers nothing except our authority. And authority as a motivational fuel genuinely runs out remarkably quickly. So identity is the most durable fuel available. So when a child or a teenager connects a task to who they are or who they want to be, they don't need reminding. They do it because it is consistent with their self-concept. So this sounds like you're someone who takes care of the people you care about. What does that look like today? Or you told me you want to feel more in control of your time. How does that connect to this? Or simply for younger children, you are getting so good at this. Notice that none of these sentences were about expectations. They're about theirs. This is the shift which makes identity-based motivation work. So for young children, focus on competition. Competence and capability. You've figured that out for yourself. You're really getting the hang of this. The identity being built is I am someone who can. Primary school children, begin introducing I am the kind of person who language a bit naturally in conversation. So not as a motivational technique that they can see coming, but as a genuine observation about who they are becoming. You are becoming a person who does. And with teenagers, connect to their values and their vision. What kind of life do you want? And how does this connect to it? It's a far more powerful conversation than any consequence you can introduce. And then finally, number five is let natural consequences teach what your reminders cannot. And this is the tip which makes parents the most nervous. And I do recognize this, and it may well be one that you have to come to gradually. Because letting natural consequences happen means watching your child experience something uncomfortable. And not intervening. The child who forgets their lunch gets hungry at lunchtime or has to have a conversation with someone at school, a teacher, in order to be able to access an alternative. The child who does not do their homework has a difficult conversation with their teacher. The teenager who does not revise gets a result which reflects that. They're not punishments. We're not setting them up to be punished. They're information. Direct, proportionate, and delivered by life. Rather than you. And natural consequences are more powerful than any consequences that we could impose because they're not personal. Your child cannot argue with them, resent us for them, or blame us for them. They simply happen. And they teach in a way that no amount of warning or reminding ever could. Our job is not to protect our children from the consequences of their choices. It is to make sure the consequences are safe, proportionate, and reliable. And allowed to land and to be warm and non-punitive when they do. So for toddlers and small children, small immediate consequences. They do not bring their coat. They were cold at the park. You do not say, I told you so. You say, it was a cold one today, wasn't it? Next time, they'll remember their coat. Primary school, school-based consequences are your greatest ally. The teacher who calls them on incomplete homework is doing more for their motivation than they are for the consequences. Then you remind us ever could let the school do its job. For teenagers, the consequences become more significant and more real. A poor exam results, a friendship which suffered because they were unreliable. These hurt. Be there for the hurt without rushing to make it better or to say you warned them. The pain is the lesson. Now on Monday, I'm talking about picky eaters and one shift which changes everything in the food battle. And I promise you, it is the exact same shift we've been talking about today. When you listen to it, you will hear the episode underneath it. So do not miss that. Motivation is not something your child either has or does not have. It is something that grows in conditions of autonomy, competence, and connection. And withers when these conditions are replaced by pressure, reminders, and control. The five things to take away, stop reminding and let a system do it instead. Transfer ownership of one thing at a time, use language which gives real choice, connect tasks to identity rather than compliance, and let natural consequences do the teaching which your words cannot. None of this is quick. All of it is worth it because the child who learns to motivate themselves is not just easier to parent now, they're equipped for everything that comes next. If this episode landed, share it with a parent who is in the middle of the nag cycle, and I'll see you on Monday.
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