Money Is Ruining My Friendships

this kind of stems from a group chat with eight girlfriends seeing where everyone is at financially um and everyone is very open and honest about their household income okay hold on you you had a group chat and somebody said hey let's just be honest what does everybody else make yes what up what's going on this is john with the dr john deloney show i'm so glad you're here talking about your mental and emotional health your relationships your kids your marriages whatever you got going on in your life pull up a seat and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move most importantly today kelly gave blood and how do we get it we know this because she has 14 different decals on announcing to the world that she did a good thing literally i have one sticker that i wore only because of you that says be nice to me i gave blood today and i actually had someone else that works at this company and i won't say who that said john can't read can he so all i know is i walked into your office and you had drinks in both hands and i was like what are you doing she's like i gave blood and so she's hammered that's all i'm saying that's all i'm saying but boy she did a good thing and likes telling everybody about it i'm just glad to know i have an office i didn't want to i don't want to say your cubicle but hashtag just saying all right let's go to burlington coat factory vermont and talk to marie hey marie what's up how are you i'm doing good how are you good happy to be here i'm glad you're here what's up i am wondering how to navigate a lifelong friendship that's just becoming super strained over financial differences uh tell me about it so this kind of stemmed from a group chat earlier last year with eight girlfriends one of which who was looking for a new job and was really open and kind of just said if everyone's interested in putting cards on the table seeing where everyone is at financially um and everyone was very open about it and i honest about okay hold on you had a group chat and somebody said hey let's just be honest what does everybody else make yes that's nice did y'all send pictures of your butts too like like what what was how many people were on this group chat it was eight girlfriends all from you know different points in life college high school oh gosh this is a terrible idea it didn't go well no no i imagine not um i think it kind of stemmed from a lot of social media and comparing people and i think people underestimated the differences even just within our small town group so from that uh my best friend who we grew up together same school district similar background learned that my household brings in significantly more than hers and since then a lot of comments and remarks have been made about that and i just think it's straining the relationship and i'm not sure how to address it gracefully and appropriately how old are you guys late 20s early 30s yeah so there's a couple things going on here i'm gonna give you the the other side of this okay is that cool um there has been seasons when not by a little by a lot i in my old school friend group in my college friend group um i made significantly less than them and i'm like not a super great person but i was always so proud of my friends like i was so happy for them you know what i mean and if they could if the cool concert came to town they knew i couldn't afford it and so they just got another ticket and i guess it never occurred to me to think i was like mooching they were just my buddies right they were my friends and now that things have have flipped and shifted and now my life is silly it's like they're so proud of me they're excited for me and they'll say things like i'm not paying for picking up you're paying for drinks are you kidding me you know i mean we'll make jokes like that but i i i don't have a psychology i guess for friends who would get upset or mad at their friend their their close ride or dive friends for doing well you get what i'm saying i i know it happens um but so a hear me say i hate this for you b i'm gonna say something that's made me sound like i'm a thousand years old and that i walked uphill in the snow both ways to school with no clothes on right i know what i'm about to say is gonna make me sound like an old man okay that's my disclaimer um you're in a window of time when those great amazing og friendships begin to splinter and fade away yeah and i hate it for you because if if anything other than dude i'm so excited for y'all and of course the occasional jokes they should y'all should be able to rib each other y'all are friends but like not you know the difference between i'm not paying for that and like mean-spirited must be nice kind of things right um the real work is less how do i hang on to somebody who is bitter or frustrated at my at my wins um or expects me to be quiet about parts of my life that i want to celebrate and be happy about just so they don't feel bad the real work is who's going to be my new circle in my 30s and that's heartbreaking and sad that's a hard one yeah tell me does that ring true with you or do i sound crazy no it it did and i think there was some level of people understanding kind of where people were roughly or lesser or more than but i think the when the numbers came out and everyone was very honest which you know terrible idea i mean the whole the whole premise of what y'all did was dumb if y'all are sitting around a table talking and you can see each other's eyes and your your you know your foreheads and your faces and your arms and your hands like if you can see each other and feel each other that's different but man just throwing cold numbers out on a group chat that's not a good idea and it's also people are in very different parts of their life um you know my best friend has two toddlers and they're buying their first house and my husband and i have had our house for five years and we don't have any kids and it's a mix of i think where people are in life as well as kind of straining that well and not to mention back when i was i had i had a buddy that owned his own hearing aid company i had a buddy who worked in banking a buddy who was an executive at first at a cell phone company who moved to hvac to a company and dude i worked in education of course i was going to make way less than all of them you know what i mean and so part of it was like i chose the life i have and it but it was me understand right so you're friends with two kids buying a house they've picked all of those avenues right and to and to be mad at you because y'all have y'all chosen differently and so in this season of life y'all have you know cooler lawn chairs or whatever i don't know like i just makes me sad makes me sad because a good friend is somebody you can tell the the bad stuff to a good friend of somebody you can tell like the dark stuff to and a good friend is somebody who you can tell like you can call and celebrate with you know what i mean yeah how do i guess how does that trend is that just you know kind of not being as involved in those friendships anymore i've never had a non-dramatic i guess friendship breakup yeah there's not a good like there's not a good like let's see other people when it comes to your friends you know i i find those things they fade away if this is a long-term relationship that you've i mean you've been friends with you know since you were a little bitty um and this is one worth hanging on to then and it's not just a friend you met in college you know good friends and y'all been y'all've known each other for six or eight years and everyone kind of goes their own ways um and they were a really important part of your life for a season and everybody moves on if this is a person worth investing then they're worth sitting down and having hard conversations with okay right like hey i love you and i put my number in this thing and i feel like relationships changed what happened okay right and and you can use the same framework i tell people who are married to use which is the stories i'm making up in my head are that you our relationship is somehow different because me and my husband are in a season of blessing right now am i if that's the if that's the case that makes me sad am i out to lunch you're right so you're you're entering in and saying i'm making up this story um and kind of call it out if it's a friendship worth saving you call out that action call out even put on the table yeah i think i'm just i've been avoiding confronting it because of when i feel a lot of just in general shame around the abundance and then not understanding how to come from, you know, that one up position. Tell me about, tell me about feeling shame. Where does that come from? I guess I struggle with making as much as I do because we don't need it. You know, I don't, I have a lot of thoughts about whether people need X amount of wealth. So we've been really trying to be intentional with making sure that we're giving and taking care of people and using it to the best of our abilities to feel fulfilled in what we have right now and what we're working hard for. But I, I do struggle with that amount. Okay. So here's, here's a simple solution. You ready? I can solve it right now. You ready? Send in your resignation when you get off this, on the office call. Quit. If you're doing a thing that violates your core values, quit. Or really challenge yourself on what you thought was a core belief that actually isn't a core value. Okay. Right. The, the cool thing these days is to really bash people who have been successful. And instead of everybody opening their eyes and seeing who can I help in my local community, it's easier just to find the tallest building and try to burn it down. You get what I'm saying? Tell me if I'm wrong here, just call it out and I'll, I'll, I'll apologize. You're sounding like the way I hear you speaking is similar to somebody who really had really strong opinions on how weak and pathetic and lame women are who stay with their husband after he cheats on them. And then suddenly you find out your husband of 10 years has had an affair and you, your first thought is, I want to make this thing work and then you have to deal with the judgment of, Oh, you get what I'm saying? Yeah. No, that's, that's exactly. Like it's real easy to talk bad about people who make six figures and then you work your freaking butt off and you provide value to a company that is helping people with whatever, helping them with toilet paper, helping them with infrastructure, helping them with whatever. And suddenly you're one of them and you have to look in the mirror and say, Ooh, maybe I was wrong in my original judgments of people. Yeah. That one's a tough one. That's exactly what this is. You know, relationships are being strained over it. So it's kind of reinforcing that like, Oh, this is a bad thing. Your judgment of people who have done well is I would say is the bad thing. Now can people use wealth and be miserly with it and destroy and hurt people? A hundred percent. But I'll tell you the people I'm around who've done really, really well financially are so insanely generous. And here's the magic. They're generous in private. Yeah. Nobody ever knows. And I'll tell you, I came from not very much. My dad was a policeman and then he became a minister and then he went back to being a police. Like we had nothing. It was tough. And I had a very tainted picture of those people who live in those houses and drive those cars. Right. And one, theologian once said people are often as proud of the things they don't have as those are of those who do. It's the same. It's the same judgment just on the other end of a barbell. Instead of opening your eyes and saying, okay, I'm going to season a blessing. I planted some crops and man, that rain came in. I'm going to open my eyes wide. I mean, my husband, like y'all are doing, who can we bless around here? There's no need for judgment. Who are we going to bless around here? Yeah. But if you, if you are, if you are struggling with your own judgment of yourself and your situation, you'll probably hear every joke your friends make as a criticism, as a critique, as the same knife you use on yourself. Yeah. Kind of shades that view. Could it be that your friends are just giving you a hard time because they're your friends? Some of them are, and it's definitely warranted. This one relationship is not only me that's being, you know, by it. That's fair. That's fair. And if your friend wants to choose to judge somebody over the amount of compensation they receive, not based on their generosity, on who they are, who they're helping out in the world. Um, then you have to ask yourself, is that a friend you want to continue to invest in? Cause that seems like a volatile, unsafe person. Who's going to hate based on an arbitrary number like that. No, I don't. I think there's, I don't know if I want to, I guess, is it wise to enter into a heart to heart with her about this until I've found, you know, some peace in my own mind about it. Yeah. If she's, if she's a good friend, she'll walk with you. Okay. Tell her I had these preconceived judgments about people. And that's where we, we grew up in the same town with very similar, I think ideals about it. Um, and I carry those more internally and I think hers are surfacing, but I, I do think they come from the same place of being, you know, always told those things and looking at, you know, the people across town who are, you know, othered or more or better than what we were. So let me ask you this. Is this friendship worth having a hard conversation about? Yes. Yeah. It's worth trying and seeing what can be done and what, where it could be done. Where it could go. Can I ask you a super personal question? It's just you and me, Kelly, and a couple of million people. How much money are we talking here? Um, and discrepancy is about 300,000. Say it one more time. I missed it. You pulled your head away from your phone cause you're nervous to even say it out loud. Period. What was the number? 300,000. Okay. That's what you and your, your husband make together. That's just your salary. That's just mine. Okay. What does he make? Uh, he makes about 85. He's a forest ranger. Oh my gosh. Well, that's like my dream job. It's fantastic. And give me a ballpark. Don't tell me specifically, but what do you do for a living? I do work in finance. Great. Cool. Sit down with yourself. Maybe have a conversation with your husband about, man, I think I've been judging people for a long time. I think that's how I grew up. Maybe your whole ecosystem was judging people. I think I was wrong. And I got a close friend that I need to sit down and just be honest, just put it all on the table. And if we choose to not be friends after that, so be it. But maybe I'm coming across in a way that, um, I don't even mean to be. Thanks for the call. It's a tough, tough, tough thing. Tough thing. I'm really grateful that you're wrestling with it. That gives me hope. We'll be right back. The wait is finally over Montana knife company has launched their first folding knife. The Montana I'm holding it right now. I did not think that this knife would be this cool and it is this cool. 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So whenever I, I hear that a lot, whenever somebody says, I want my husband, boyfriend, fiance, whatever, to be a spiritual leader, I honestly never know what that means because it means something different to every person. So you tell me, like, what is, what would that mean? What would that feel like? What are you looking for, for your husband to be in your home? So a little backstory, we've, we've been together for about, um, 15 years. 15 years. And we both grew up, um, in Catholic families. However, he, he, his dad passed away when he was young. So I feel like he never had that father figure to show him how to, like, step up in that role. And then we recently converted, um, uh, into Christians and we've been going to church and the church that we, that we go to, I feel it's very traditional. Um, you know, our pastor always talks about the man of the house, the man being the leader. You know, the spiritual leader. And I just felt like it's, it's, for me, it would be of him taking charge of, um, of everything in the home. What does that mean? Do you want him to make all the decisions where you eat, what cars you drive? Do you want him to, because, because here's the thing that, that idea, man is the leader has been so weaponized to mean men get to do whatever they want and they don't have, they don't have the ability to do whatever they want. And so I feel like it's, it's, it's, they don't have to take their wife's feelings, how their wellness, they don't take anything to account. They do whatever they want. Or I think a better reading of that, a better understanding is leadership is not getting to the top of an organization and telling it what to do. It's getting underneath it and carrying the whole thing on your shoulders and freeing the people under your care to go live wild and amazing lives. And so like, what do you mean when you say you want to be the leader of your home? You want me to make all the decisions for you? Like, what does that mean? So I think for example, um, with our kids, we, it's something as little as, as little as if my oldest wants to go to the park. Um, I want him to be able to comfortably decide, like, can he go, is it a good decision versus having to run everything by me? Okay. Can I, can I give you, don't hear me challenging you. I'm just trying to get to a, to a good answer here. Okay. Is that on your team? Okay. Um, in the past, has he made decisions that you criticize, poke holes in, get upset with him for making? Yes. Okay. So is there a possibility that he has learned that the best way to lead in his house and y'all's house is to be quiet? Maybe. And so it may be that part of him being able to, being able to make decisions without having to consult you every time begins with you saying, Hey, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. Okay. I've been highly critical. I've been a critical person. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I want you to, if you think it's a good idea for the kids to go play, go play with the kids, man. And if they end up staying up a little later, whatever, we'll talk about that on another time, but you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, okay. It might feel not unsafe. Cause that's dramatic. It might feel like he's trying to love you the best he can. And he's learned through action, through being in a relationship with you for 15 years, that you're pretty critical of his decisions. Now, if he's just sitting there with a video game controller and he's like, I don't care. Ask your mom. Well, then that's, he's being a loser, right? And he needs to step up. But that's why I asked you that question. And if you can reflect back and say, yeah, I've, I'm pretty critical, um, of pretty much anything he does, then you're going to have to take, go first and say, and put that on the table. Right. Is that fair? Yeah, I think so. Okay. So tell me about the spirituality. Like, how do you want them to be a leader? Spiritually. So, so again, we're new to this. I felt like new to the, the Christian life. So for example, with, with reading the Bible, right. It's not something that I felt like we've ever done in the past. So I felt like it's something that we're learning together, but I would like for him to, to, to, to take leadership in that. Like, Hey, like, let's do this as a family. Let's read it together. Or, um, you know, let, let's, let's bring the kids. Let's take some time for devotion, learn something together because we're, it's new to all of us, to our kids, me and him. So I felt that because we've never done it, we just don't know how to approach it. I feel like it's very hard for us. And then I find sometimes find it discouraging to like, why does it, why is he not interested? Why is he not wanting to pull towards more towards God, more towards things like that? And I'm currently at a point where I have that urge. I have that, like, want that, need to like, I want to do everything. I want to learn the Bible. I want to read through the whole Bible. And, but sometimes it's just, it's, I, I feel discouraged that it's not me versus it's just me versus both of us doing it or, or doing it as a family. I love that. Okay. So, Hey, I love your zeal and I love your excitement. That's really cool. It's awesome. Um, I think this is a really amazing opportunity for both of you. Okay. And here's what it's going to take. It's real easy to fall into what I would call mind reading expectations. You are new to this faith. And so you want to jump in and learn everything. You want to be on the front end of this thing, reading everything like, like knowing everything. And maybe he's walked into this thing. Um, and he also is new and excited, but he wants to absorb everything. He wants to learn the rules and the customs and how he's supposed to look and what's, what's, what's wise to say and what's not wise to say. And it doesn't make any one of either one of those right or wrong. It just means y'all are approaching this thing differently. And what I don't want to end up happening is you feel like since he's not loving this new thing, like you're loving it, that somehow he loves it less. Somehow he doesn't love you. And cause that just breeds resentment. The, the path forward here is y'all get, y'all get away and say, we've never been married and both been Christians before. This is all brand new to us. I want you to teach me about what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're working through. What does this look like for you? And how can I best support you in this? And, um, hopefully he'll ask you that same thing and together y'all will co-create this thing. And, and it might feel like he's not being a leader because you have to tell him what the best way you will feel loved and you will feel supported in this new journey y'all are on. It's, it's not, it's a matter of just being super clear with your, with your husband and vice versa. Right. So in my house, um, my wife and I are both anchored to the same faith tradition and in many core of same beliefs. I mean, same like, yeah, same beliefs, but we also believe very different things. And I love talking about it ad nauseum. My wife doesn't. And so she likes being really thoughtful and introspective and she writes about it and she'll garden for days. And then she'll say, Hey, I'm thinking about this. And so I had to learn over the years that just because she didn't want to have these big, deep theological discussions that always turn into debates and they feel lively and exciting for me, they felt like a beat down to her. And I had to realize, Oh, that doesn't mean she doesn't care. That means she just cares differently. You know what I'm saying? And so she knows, um, the other night there's a, a big theological issue I've been wrestling with. And I told her, Hey, I want to have a, I want to talk about this. Let me know when is a good time. And what I was doing was saying, she has to gear herself up for these things. And she happened to say, now's a good time. Let's do it. It was, it was great, but I've learned, I'm not just going to bomb her with stuff. And on the other side of it, um, sometimes I say, Hey, I'd love to know what you're thinking about, what you're wrestling with these days. And she'll say, give me a day. And then I'll be able to like kind of formulate my thoughts when you talk about it. And so it's just us getting to know each other and how we best like to move forward with these things. At some point, you're going to have to look your husband in the eye and say, I feel loved when, or I want you to and give him a roadmap for what you want to feel in the house and what you want to see in the house. Like give him a roadmap for what that looks like. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, that makes sense. And we've never had that. So I think that's why I kind of maybe felt like a little awkward or it doesn't feel right, but yeah, it makes sense. Say that up front, any feeling you're having about, I'm scared. I'm nervous about this. This is a weird conversation. Neither of us have ever had this. And we've never seen our parents have this put up front. Like I'm kind of, I'm nervous to talk about this, or this is going to be awkward for us, but here's the magic. We get to choose what our marriage looks like. We get to choose what our house feels like. And so what things do we need to both do for ourselves and for each other so that our house feels like it? It almost feels like this. you can, and I'm saying it not as an, don't say it as an accusation, but say it as like, almost like a statement of wonder. I want our house to feel light and full of the, your faith and where we're anchored and we're supported. And here's what that would look like. What do you want it to feel like? And he might say, I don't know. And that's where you might say, hey, listen, I've beaten you up for your thoughts and stuff in the past. I'm not doing that anymore. And I'm sorry. I'm going to learn a new way of like the way you do the dishes is also equally valid to the way I do the dishes. And I've been, I've been pretty critical of you in the past, right? If that's true, you get what I'm saying? Yeah. But just because it's awkward doesn't mean it's not right. In fact, I often say tension is the doorway. Whatever you feel awkward about saying to this guy that you've spent a decade and a half with, that's the thing you for sure need to say. Do y'all have kids? Yes. Yes. How many? Four. Okay. Was he there for the births? Yes. Okay. I'll just say this, um, as least at the least graphically as I can. Okay. Um, y'all are way past any awkward, right? Yeah. You're way past it. So, um, y'all have made humans together. Y'all he's been there while you gave birth to humans. Y'all have raised kids together. And yet it feels so hard to talk about things like belief and meaning and faith and what I would love, the person I would love to see you become in this home. And what kind of person would you like to see me become in our home? Right. That feels so awkward and scary. That means you got to go right through that thing with gentleness and compassion. Right. Okay. I, I tell me what you're apprehensive about. I can hear the apprehension in your voice. I just felt because he's, because he's, I don't know why I think I'm feeling that like, he's not going to be, be capable of, if I'm explaining to myself, I, I just felt like he's because he, he's never seen or had like that has an example of leadership that I felt like he's, he's not going to fully comprehend where I'm coming from or what, or what I expect from him because he's never had it. it. So two things there. One, a part of any new adventure, whether it's a faith adventure, whether it's an exercise adventure, you got to get other people in your life with you. And so one of the things he's going to have to do is get other men in his life who have similar beliefs and similar ways of doing life that they can lift each other up. It's a good way for him to learn by example. The second thing is I would challenge you is let him act first and begin to comprehend later. Tell him what you want. Tell him what you need. Tell him what you'd love to see. And even if he's doing it just because you said it, over time, the hope is it becomes a part of him. It becomes who he is, how he begins to see the world. Right? Okay. And if you wait for him to quote unquote understand it, y'all may never understand it the same. Very few people in the world, my closest friends, my wife, my pastor, do I believe exactly the same thing on every topic on every issue. But I tell you what, if my wife says, hey, here's how I feel loved, man, I'll do that. Even if I don't understand it. I can tell you right now, I personally do not understand. I do not understand. Cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, I don't understand why the dishes have to be done every night. Right? I don't. But I know that my wife sleeps deeper when she wakes and she knows she's going to wake up to a brand new clean kitchen. So shoot, I'll help that all day long. That's easy. Yeah, makes sense. Right? But she had to tell me that because it would never even occurred to me. Yeah. And she has no idea why it's such. It's such a big deal to me if just once in a while, she shows up to one of my speaking events or one of my comedy shows or something. She doesn't understand, but she knows it. I see her and it makes me smile and it makes me feel anchored in there when I'm up there being ridiculous on stage. And she's like, I'll do that for him. Right? And same with spiritual stuff. Just because he hasn't seen it, that's okay. That means he's just going to need some coaching. And he doesn't have to fully understand it, but my gut tells me is over time, if you're clear with him and you're compassionate with him and you're open with him, and he's able to tell you the things that he would like to see you do also, that's how you begin to understand and metabolize it is by doing it. Right? Not thinking it, thinking it, thinking it, thinking it. Got it. Right? No other thing in the world. Work doesn't work that way. Sports don't work that way. You can't sit in a room and just think about exercise. I'm just going to sit in a room and think about God, think about God. Think about God. Ah, now I've got it. No, man, I got to get out there and get my hands dirty and serve the poor and change how I interact with the world and, and. So in an ideal world, he'd go first, but you're the one who called me. So I'll challenge you. Set up a time, set up a half day where y'all can get together and just say, I want to have a dreaming day with you. We've never even seen this done. We've never done this before. I want to dream about what our marriage could look like. I want to dream about what our Christian walk can look like. And what would we both want that to feel like in our home? What would you both want each other to be doing there? And this could be an amazing new time. And if you have things that you need to apologize for, for how you've talked to him, how you've treated him, chastised him, whatever in the past, go first, go first and, um, let him know that he's got a place at the table now. Thank you so much for the call. I'm, uh, I'm proud of you guys. I'm proud of you guys. Remember clarity is kindness. It's clear as you can be with him. No mind reading, no Hogwarts, just clarity. We come back. A man asks what changes he should expect after marrying his high school sweetheart. Ooh, buckle up, buddy. Hey, it's Taloni. Listen, I talk to people all the time who are experiencing difficulties in their life and with their health, low energy, brain fog, poor sleep, sexual dysfunction, just a general unwell feeling that they can't seem to put their finger on. And even though this is all super common, it doesn't mean it has to be normal. And this is why I'm super excited to introduce a brand new partner on my show, Joy and Blokes. 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Go to joyandblokes.com slash deloney and get 50% off. You heard that right. 50% off all labs and 20% off all products. That's J-O-I and B-L-O-K-E-S. joyandblokes.com slash deloney. All right. A horse is a horse, of course. Of course, of course. Let's go out to Chicago and talk to Ed. Hey, what's up, Ed? How are you doing today? I'm good, brother. What are you up to? Not much, just working. Excellent. Excellent. Me too, except my job is a scam. You're probably working a real job. That's awesome. What's up, dude? Not much. Me and my wife now, we've been together for about eight years and been through a lot together, you know, uh, through eight years. And I was just wondering, you know, what, what differences are there going to be when we're married? We've been together for so long. How long have you been married? We've been married since May 2nd, so not too long. Very recent. Congratulations, dude. Thank you. Did y'all live together before you got married? Yeah, so we've been, we bought a house in 2023, so we've been living together since then. So I, I don't know. You tell me what do you think is going to be different? Yeah, I mean. Um, I mean, I'm hoping we have kids soon. I mean, a lot to look forward to. Um, I think more of my question was just, I was hoping it would feel different. Ah, there you go. There you go. What did you think it was going to feel like? Thought it'd just feel like instantly different, you know, but kind of feels the same. Yeah. Um, so A, your, your feelings are your feelings, man. And I get that. Um, I hear that with people who get married. I hear that with people who have kids, they thought it was going to feel different. And then a couple weeks later, they're back at their same job and it's like, oh, it's just my regular life. life except now i've got this thing um or now you're wearing a ring every day and instead of saying my girlfriend now you're saying my wife um the bigger question i want you to ask is have you and your wife been intentional about sitting down and saying okay we have eight years together almost a decade and you said you're high school sweethearts yeah yes that means y'all have been young and dumb together right and now you're you've bought a house together you've done these things i think something really cool right now would be especially if y'all are thinking about having kids and would be to have some sort of marker not with friends and family but with just y'all two to say like there's a period at the end of old us and now we're starting a new chapter what do we want this to feel like what do we want our house to to feel like what do we want our marriage to look like before we bring a kid into this thing you um what does love look like for us as an action not just as a feeling you know what i'm saying yeah often guys i talk to who are talk who have that same sense that you have it's because there's been a lack of intentionality we're just doing we just got up the next day and we're like all right we're living in the same house paying the same bills we have the same structure and now i just have a ring on and i call you wife instead of girlfriend and that tells me y'all haven't sat down and dreamed together what do we want this thing to look like when we're both 90 cent on the front porch and our hands are all wrinkled and we're holding hands what do we want to look back in our rearview mirror and our life to have looked like because we get to decide that okay you know what i'm saying it's a new level of intentionality um do y'all do things like um do y'all share a checking account yeah yeah we just uh got that done okay if you share one checking account and you don't have secret side accounts or you don't have his money and your money like you have ours um yeah yeah she just closed her account and it's just ours now dude that's perfect savings and checking so as a part of this conversation let's talk about who are we going to be with our money okay what what are cool things we want to save up for what do we want our house to look like in 10 years and 15 years like what do we want our what kind of cars are we what kind of car people are we going to be now that we're doing this thing together is is her name uh is both of y'all's name on on the mortgage uh it was just mine at first but she's going to be on there now too yeah let's so let's go through and put her on everything and you'll be in and you'll begin to it should feel like a squat bar right where plates are getting added you're going to start feeling the responsibility i'm not just living my life and she's a part of it she's not venmoing me for the electric bill anymore and she's not buying some groceries and i buy the others we are building a life together and that should have some extra burden to it some extra weight to it and there should be a season of frustration as y'all navigate this and on the other side of that frustration if y'all develop a routine for talking and communicating to connect with each other not to try to win but to connect man y'all are y'all can build something amazing you can build whatever you want are you nervous that you made a mistake no not at all okay what did you think it was going to feel like i'm interested like confetti's just gonna walk like fall from the sky or something yeah kind of yeah i mean yeah i'm not too sure i i just kind of thought it would just i mean i'm completely happy and everything but i just kind of thought it would feel different you know being married it just i think i held it to a higher standard than what it actually is no it's a it's a big thing i think our feelings don't always tell us the truth as to whether something's important or not um let me ask you this do you like you yeah tell me why you're a pretty good man uh i work hard and i uh listen to myself i guess i do whatever i need to do are you a man of integrity do you tell the truth yeah i tried to yeah um you love that white that new wife of yours pretty recklessly oh yeah yeah tell me about a time you did something that you felt amazing or wonderful or good um i think uh whenever i uh complete a uh job at work i feel pretty good afterwards why do you feel good afterwards tell me about it uh i guess i put my all into it and when it comes out looking good you know i feel proud of it okay i want you to sit down by yourself do it this weekend man don't wait too long do it this weekend i want you to sit down by yourself and i know y'all did vows and i know you did the ceremony and all that i want you to write your wife a letter about what kind of man you're going to be what kind of husband you're going to be what kind of father you're going to be and in an act of rebellion to our current generation i want you to sit down and i want you to do something really brave and bold i want you to read it to her and make as much eye contact as possible while you're reading it because i think when you finish a job you step back and you look at it and you allow yourself to say dude i i did good and i want you to look at eight years of being with her from high school knuckleheads to just into the workforce or college knuckleheads to now we're young adults and we are out making it happen i want you to step back and say i've done good and now here's what i'm going to do next and i want you to share that with her okay you know what i'm saying yeah and for whatever it's worth y'all did a lot of stuff up front right so for many people when they get married that's when they move in together and that's when they start sharing accounts that's when they buy a house together y'all did all that so some of that stuff you've already i mean you may have felt all that weight before this y'all couldn't y'all confirmed it right so um i don't know i wouldn't beat yourself up over it okay but begin leaning into what what do we want this thing to look like and then break it down and give yourself a job description and say i'm gonna go tackle this thing and i'm gonna be the best husband we're gonna create the greatest marriage that's ever existed perfect is that cool i like it i'm proud of you dude how old are you i'm uh 25 now 25 awesome you have a really amazing life ahead of you brother and um i'm proud of you i've changed my tune totally um i think people should get married younger i used to not believe that i think they should and figure out life together and grow together and y'all have done that man so i wish you guys the absolute best moving forward um yeah it's gonna be y'all gonna be off to the races my brother congratulations hey this drives me crazy our culture has made being exhausted being burned out something to be proud of people brag about how busy they are how little sleep they get and how exhausted they always feel listen being tired is not a flex you know it's a flex getting good sleep showing up for yourself for your family and for your workplace and good sleep always starts with a great mattress and that's why i love my helix mattress helix is not just a show sponsor for me it's where i sleep my kids sleep on a helix even my extended family members and friends they all sleep on a helix and i'm not on helix mattresses because i won't shut up about how great they are even when the camera's off in my private life imagine if the people who made your pants just made one pair of pants for everyone one size fits all it would be a disaster but people do that with their mattresses companies build just one mattress and they say this is for everybody helix doesn't do that they build mattresses just for you and for how you sleep i want you to get online and take the helix sleep quiz it takes less than two minutes and they're going to match you with the perfect mattress for more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles if you're a hot sleeper during these summer months they've got cooling upgrades too go to helixsleep.com slash deloney for their prime time sale and you'll get 20 off site wide 25 off luxe mattresses and 30 off elite mattresses that's helixsleep.com slash deloney sleep better this summer with a helix better sleep starts right now so all right kelly something cool happened what is it you have to turn on your microphone yes i'll produce the show don't worry you better not edit that part out totally going to oh gosh i'll leave it in yes it's not editing out everyone thinks kelly's perfect no i don't think anybody thinks i'm perfect better than you maybe even not perfect well that that bar is in hell yeah it's a low bar gosh all right so i have a cool crap that happened from holly in san antonio some of the best food in the world on planet earth my goodness okay so holly says i don't have a question just a thank you for telling the story about your daughter's explosive reaction when y'all were playing the baseball game in a recent episode. I have an eight, nine, I have eight, nine-year-old daughters and that type of energy lives in our house every day. Usually it happens in a split second and blindsides me. I historically have not dealt with it well. Seeing them treat each other that way grieves my heart. And I'm trying so hard to be better and not get caught up in the tornado of emotions. Your story made me feel seen and gave me hope. I appreciate your wisdom. And that last sentence right there is not something most people say. No. And because y'all don't know this, but she just pulled that up just now. She forgot to add, oh, and thank you for Kelly and the team. They never had that part. Kelly always adds that in. The fact that she said, I appreciate your wisdom. You should take that and hold it in your heart. Oh, I'm going to get that tattooed on my chest when this is right, when this is over. Or I'll get 14 stickers made like you had for giving blood. It'd be so awesome. I even took the sticker off. All I cared about was you seeing the sticker. That's literally the only person that I cared about seeing it. Whoever gets your blood like in a transfusion is going to feel that energy. It's going to be like, ah, I feel spiteful. Who's this John guy? I hate him, but he pays my bills. I don't know what to do with this energy. Love you guys. Bye.