Mom's Car: Guy Stevenson

Welcome to Mom's Car. I'm Dax. I'm Sharon Beasley. And I'm Sharon Shepard. And today, my good friend, Guy Stevenson, who I met in the Groundlings. And if you've listened to any of the podcasts, I often tell the story of his sketch he wrote, which is my favorite all-time sketch. He also, if you remember, is a person I lied to and said I had trained at the Cronk Gym. So please enjoy Guy Stevenson. This episode is brought to you by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the dress code at the new restaurant. Showing up in sandals and getting turned away at the door. No fun at all. Yeah, checking first is always a good move. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. We are supported by Uber Eats. Boom, boom, boom. In need of groceries? Uber Eats has you covered. From last-minute ingredients to weekly essentials, get groceries delivered in as little as 25 minutes with Uber Eats. Get groceries delivered with Uber Eats. Terms apply. See app for details. Now, let's get into the show. So what were your favorite New Wave bands? The big ones like Depeche Mode and The Cure and stuff like that were the big ones. We've been listening to a lot of that at home, my wife and I. 80s New Wave is her new thing to play. Yeah. Because we don't like each other's music so much. That's the middle ground? Yep. And we both like it a lot. Like Devo and the B-52s. And I was into punk as well. Any Smiths? Yeah, I love the Smiths. Sure, sure. Any Devo? Any New Order? Yeah, I saw New Order. You did? At what age? High school. It was probably at Jones Beach Theater, which played a lot of really cool. Where DeCastro was a lifeguard. Yeah, she's kind of scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe, you don't know the DeCastro story? No, not the lifeguard story. He was a lifeguard there for, I think, a couple summers, maybe three. One time I was talking to him and I go, Hey, did you ever, like, save anyone's life that was drowning? And he goes, Oh, like, a couple times a week. I'm like. Really? He goes, Yeah. And I go, Like, what's that all like? And he goes, Well, you know the little plastic thing that you see lifeguards that they swim with, that little floating plastic bread thing? Yeah. He goes, That's not to help them with their buoyancy. When you go up to them and they're flailing, they'll make you drown. He's like, You first thing up when you get to them is you fucking bonk them in the head. So they kind of get disoriented. And then you can get in the position you need to be in to rescue them. I'm like, Well, you got to assault me. You got to assault them and then save their lives. That's a perfect save. Yes, it's the dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You son of a bitch. Someone's thankful for you assaulting them. I can see Stevie saving somebody and then lecturing them on the way back to the shore. The whole swim back. How they screwed up. Yeah, you know, I do a lot of track days with DeCastro. And he's, like, roped different people. And he's got, like, a headset in his helmet. And he's got someone else on that. You know, he offers another headset. Yeah. And he just rides behind them and just coaches them the whole time. He's like, Hey, you want to throw? I'm like, No. The last thing I want to fucking hear is you fucking being an expert in my ear. Are you guys from the same part of Long Island? I think we're close. Okay. I forgot where he was from. I'm from East Islip. If it's like this and Manhattan's here, where are you at in that? I'm, like, in the middle and the south side. Okay. So how far from Manhattan? I would say it was about, like, by car, like, 45 minutes. Oh, really? Yeah. And would you guys go a lot? We used to go to a lot of concerts there. Okay. I left when I was 18. Right. And did your parents ever take you into the city for, like, different things? Just Yankee games. Oh, okay. Never to go, like, just stroll around Manhattan? No. Also, it was a lot different back then, right? Like, when I went as a kid with my mom, and it was single mom, you know, it was quite terrifying. Yeah, 70s and early 80s were rough. Yeah. Until Crazy Giuliani. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fixed everything and then went nuts. Yeah, talk about a complex story. Yeah. Save the city and then try to ruin the country. Yeah, it's like, what a, what a, what a track record. This isn't got too big. Too big for his britches. What did your folks do? My dad was a gym teacher. Okay. At Nassau Community College. Okay. And my mom was, like, an elementary school teacher. Oh, wow, both teachers. Yeah. And how did you do in school with two teachers? Terribly. Terribly. I was the bad kid. Yeah. Like, other families were like, don't hang out with Guy Stevenson. Right, right. I was kind of like the bad kid. And at what age did you become seven feet tall? Was it early? I was always tall. Okay. I was always, like, one of the tallest kids in my class. Yeah. Did you, were you always? Same, same, same. There's all these photos of, like, any kind of lineup in elementary school. I look like I flunked a couple grades. Yeah. And I think other kids thought I did because I also couldn't read. I was dyslexic. And I'm certain they thought, like, oh, my God, there's this fucking adult in the class. Yeah. Yeah, well, I've almost always been this size. I remember, you know, I got my physical. I was in the beginning of eighth grade for basketball, and I was 5'11 and 160. And then in ninth grade basketball, on that physical, I was 6'3. Wow. And lost 10 pounds. I was going to say in lighter. Shut up, man. Oh, I looked insane in ninth grade. I was a fucking rake. Just a huge nose and fucking skinny as fuck. That could be my biography. Skinny as fuck, huge nose. Do you remember that sketch we wrote? I was just about to bring it up. Yeah. Oh, God. Deliveries. Oh, we got it. Deliveries, we're up. Delivery match. I want to hear your version of you and I at the Groundlings, because I would say we were a little atypical. Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah. We were the only comedians that were, like, lifting weights and shit. I think we were the only people there that have ever, ever won fistfights. I'm sure some people were beating up. You know, I've told this story on here about how when we were first meeting each other, because I was in the Sunday company for six months, and then he came in on the second, second cycle, like, the new kids that came. Yeah. And we were, I'll never forget it. So we're sitting in these seats, and I'm like, oh, wow, this is confusing. Now there's two of us in this seat. Yeah. Like, two guys who have fought. Yeah. We're both told when we lift weights, like, and I said to you, like, what are we going to do? Like, who's going to be the alpha? I think we're going to have to fight or something. Mm-hmm. I have not talked to him much, and he just goes, pick another sport. Do you remember that? I do remember that. I do remember that. I loved it. I was like, oh, this is fantastic. And then quickly we discovered that we both love primates. Yeah. Half of Guy's sketches were about gorillas. Yeah. And you owned a gorilla suit, right? My brother did. Oh, okay. My brother owned a gorilla suit. We had a plan. We never did it. We both lived in San Diego. He was going to dress as a gorilla and run on the field at a Padres game. Oh, right. And I was going to dress as Godzilla and run on the other side of the field, and our plan was to meet him. To meet in the middle. I like you. King Kong. Yeah. And we were like, I wonder if security would be like, this has to be planned. Right. By the organization. Yeah. They just didn't let us know this was happening. How long they would let us wrestle for. But we never did it. Yeah. We never did it. Your brother's older or younger? I have two brothers. That one's younger. Okay. And one's older? Yeah. Okay. So was he the craziest of the family? Because that was often the case with these boys. I was the craziest. My older brother is autistic. Autistic. Okay. And like old school autistic. Was diagnosed even back then as autistic. Yeah. Like when he was three. Oh, jeez. I was kind of known. Non-verbal or? No, he's verbal, but like you can tell. Right, right, right, right. Were you in a lot of positions where you had to like defend him? For years. Yeah. That's how it all starts. Because it was also back then when like it wasn't uncool to pick on an autistic kid. Oh. Everybody fucking did it. Of course. You know what I mean? Yes. The first group that started. They stopped picking on them were the burnouts. Because they just found other better stuff to do. Right, right. That's who I gravitated towards. Right. Do you remember the very first fight you got in to protect him or to defend him? Like grade school. Yeah, sure. Yeah. There was a lunch train ball. Tell me more. I just kind of threw a Frisbee at somebody. Oh, okay. Who was? I think it was my brother. Oh, wow. That's stress. That's a lot of stress on a kid to have an older brother. How old is your brother? He's a year older than me. He's a year. Yeah. So we were right there. That day and age. Yeah. I know the first fight I got in was this kid that was my best friend at the time. I was like five or six. He hit my brother in the lower back with a wiffle ball bat and he had his shirt off and I think he really stung. Yeah. And my brother started crying and I just kind of snapped and tackled him and got on top of him and was hitting him like a chimpanzee. You know, like I didn't even know what to do. I just wanted to hurt him for hurting my brother. Yeah. Very nice boys. Yeah, yeah. So he went through school? Yeah. My parents were like really forward thinking because back then everyone kind of put their kids away. Right, right, right. You know, my dad, who was a gym teacher, was like, you're going to rise to the level that you're at. So he was in regular school. No shit. Got a regular diploma. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Because in our school, back to, yes, how cruel kids were, we had a pretty, I swear, it feels very abnormal. The amount of kids we had in our junior high that had. different needs and there was a classroom, Mr. Norlin's classroom and they would give those kids tasks around the school right like they would be cleaning up the lunchroom or like this one guy Pete Schmidt he'd collect the attendance every morning you know that was like his job and he came now some of it was like good natured but also wouldn't fly today it's like he would come in to collect attendance and he would go meep meep and everyone would meet meep and then there'd be so you know so that one was kind of fun and then there were some other ones that went worse and and I had to go to the class with those kids in elementary for my dyslexia training oh yeah yeah I was pretty embarrassed like when they would knock on the door and be like go join the gang did uh so they knew your dyslexia that early they did yeah yeah thank goodness because I'm dyslexic as well oh you are yeah but they didn't yeah I remember always going to the eye doctor okay because they thought it was my vision oh okay yeah I mean and that never seemed to yeah matter how many classes they gave you yeah get the words right and uh it's been getting worse man oh really yeah maybe because I'm getting older oh interesting because I gotta say even the way it's described or had been described growing up to people like what is dyslexia how does it work it was always like oh you flip your letters and it's like that's not entirely what was happening with me I did it with numbers right like I would invert numbers all the time but in the as far as the reading was it's like it just looked like fucking hieroglyphics yeah I couldn't get it when they would try to explain sounding shit out I'm like those symbols mean nothing to me I can't sound this out how were you at table reads well I'll this is what I'm saying like that was me k through five but then I had a teacher thank god that was like uh you're really good at math and that was the first time someone acknowledged I wasn't dumb and then that became the springboard like I was then on the math team in sixth grade in junior high and I swear just in my explanation I was like oh my god I can't do this of it is like one day it just all kind of clicked and what clicked for me is like instead of looking at the words like compartmentalized by letters and sounds i just over time eventually memorized every whole word oh yeah right and then just i see the whole word in it and i know what it means now and then it kind of like a big symbol yes and i finally learned the symbols and i kind of observed this in one of our daughters too it's like and i was kind of optimistic while it was going on i'm like she's just gonna fucking one day memorize all these things instead of learning how to sound them out and then i was fine i was never like a strong reader and still when i'm on a teleprompter like kristen and i will host it together and she had a teleprompter she loves it she's like i could not even have to rehearse and just throw me on a stage as long as there's a teleprompter and i'm like that's me at my worst yeah and i posted a couple game shows where it's just all teleprompter and i'm like oh this is not enjoyable can y'all just put pictures on the math equations uh-huh the question mark our next question so what do you use like what happened did you do you get flunked ever or i never got held back okay yeah i was probably a lot like you i was smart but just frustrated with school so did bad stuff right and uh like i had to get stuff signed every week by teachers right right yeah all that stuff okay now here's what's great for people who watched last season they'll remember that aaron and i admitted to the lies we've told people that we're like idiots and of course the one that was my favorite one is that i told you i had trained at the cronk gym yeah and i was like oh my god i'm stuck with this see now it's all making sense though because he started off with telling them you guys were both alphas you had to come up with anything that we were really trying to one-up them flexor bonafide well his first question when when he found out i was from detroit it was literally the first question yeah it was all about the cronk gym like of course that's his first question and then i'm like hell yeah i've been to the cronk gym and then of course why would i have been to the cronk gym if not to train and he's like oh you've trained there i'm like yes i was trying to i was trying to figure out your strength guys like fuck yeah i was definitely i definitely believed it i was like right in your eyes and told you i was like all right if it comes down to it just shoot he's gonna punch you in the face this guy's got an incredible jab he trained under yeah you've never seen me fight so at any rate and then the other incredible one was that aaron went way beyond that i think is that he had boxed in the marines yeah not even a marine yeah i wish i wish i wasn't groundlings at that moment um so dax and i could feed up of each other's lives confirm yes i confirm yeah well i was in the marines yeah that's where i'm going that's all set up to say i don't know if i would have bought that well would you yeah and i and when i was asked where did i box and i said on a navy ship there you go yeah i was never quite as good at selling my story as dax was well they had these things they called smokers where these two guys would just put on headgear and get in the ring and it was just like three rounds of like untrained dudes sure haymakers central yeah and just 18 year old guys trying to prove they're tough yeah and uh i did one and i did one against this i think his name was vasquez and i outweighed him by like 30 pounds sure but i know from the last name so hard and so fast and i'm like i'm like i'm gonna go to the marines and i'm gonna go to the marines and i'm gonna go to the i'm looking right at him and i didn't see that coming yes yes yeah i don't know if you ever wore those things they're not built for men with big noses oh no and here my nose has got totally peppered yeah yours would need to come out as would mine yeah did i ever tell you guy that we did an episode of punked with the golden boy um day la jolla we had a tons of downtime right and we're just in a ring together and we got boxing gloves on and shit actually maybe i wore headgear in that but at any rate we're getting friendly enough that i say to him would you be willing to throw your like combo at me don't like hurt me but i just kind of want to see what that's about right and like what you're saying the first punch i saw him throw was the third punch yeah true and i was like oh that's what it is it's the speed it is it's an unbelievable level yes and couldn't compute how fast it was coming like i could have never seen but how can this guy sucker punch me when i'm looking right at him stay tuned for more mom's car we are supported by all state checking all state first could save you hundreds on car insurance not checking which floor of the airport parking garage you parked on before your trip it's five days later and now you're rolling your suitcase through a parking garage that all looks the same clicking your key fob hoping to hear a beep yeah checking first is a good plan so check all state first for an auto quote it could save you hundreds you're in good hands with all state potential savings vary subject to terms conditions and availability all state north american insurance company and affiliates north brook illinois guy were you in a punk i did a couple of them you did right i did after after dax how did you find that experience i liked it i did one on carmelo anthony and the basketball player and i'm sure i i just know because i've been bouncing for so long and body posture i'm more like this dude's about to hit me i interviewed him and i when i interviewed him i'm like oh this kid's so cute but he he gets down he's gotten down before i think it's from st louis or something yeah yeah and anyway the prompt was really like we found a girl's license in his room and she was underage there's a lot of and it was obviously trouble for you guys it was his boys that's how they set it up and uh he didn't drop one name yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean he didn't drop like oh no it wasn't me it was my friends he was just like get the fuck out i'm like this dude i hope they're fucking quick to come in man because he is fucking a six nine world class yeah i think he's from st louis while he's beating your ass you're gonna notice how cute he is man this guy is really cute and way tougher than me yeah uh okay so back to the marines how did you end up joining the marines what preluded that well um my dad you know who taught at a college was kind of like look you're not ready for college uh-huh and or work and he said to me he said the house is only big enough for one man ah so uh so for you to go so i i but i enlisted months before i graduated oh okay like eight months before i graduated like when they came to your high school with a little card table that situation yeah yeah yeah yeah and in your school like i gotta let's just be very honest about this in my school when they came with that card table the dudes that were hanging out there i was like yeah they're gonna you know that's what they're gonna do yeah it wasn't the winner's club that was circling that and it was pre-desert storm so it was pretty much just fuck-ups yeah right you know what i mean there was no yellow ribbons yet or support the troops right it's been 30 years since vietnam yeah i mean i enlisted under reagan oh wow Oh, a long time ago. Yeah. And no one was going to fuck with us when Reagan was behind the house. I got a cowboy in that fucking Oval Office. So you enlisted, and did you like it? I knew right away I was only going to do four. Okay. I knew it wasn't for me. Yeah. There were parts of it I loved. Which were? Hanging with the dudes. Yeah. I love being out in the field doing stuff, shooting, all that fun stuff. But it's the life in garrison. When your boss at work is also your boss at home, it sucks. Wait, what does that mean? Oh, because you live with them. There's no going home away. That part sucked. And how do you deal with authority? I guess if your dad was a gym teacher, you're probably used to that kind of authority. I might not like it, but I kind of thrive under it. Right, right, right, right, right. I kind of like that structure a little bit. But I knew right away I was going to be out in fire. Yeah, the structure is nice, right? It's like, oh, I do this, I get this recognition. There's levels, there's training, right? There's like all kinds of steps you can pursue that are already prescribed. You don't have to figure much out. It's almost the reverse of discipline. Uh-huh. Because someone's just telling you what to do. Right. There's no, like, self-motivating. It's this dude yelling at you. Yeah, yeah. Didn't you get thrown out? No, no, no. You didn't? I didn't get thrown out of the Marines. Oh, oh, oh. Why do I? I got into a lot of trouble in the Philippines. That's what I recall. I got thrown out. I got thrown out. I got thrown out of the Philippines. Oh, man. But I stayed in the Marine Corps. Oh, okay, okay. Are you comfortable saying what kind of trouble you got into the Philippines? You have children, I guess. Well, I got into a fight on a bus. Okay. How many people? The bus. And it was totally my fault. The bus. Because I got. I was. Hammered. It feels like an Instagram video on board to Aaron. A guy fighting a bus. I was hammered. At times, there were Marines being assaulted out in town. Okay. So, I kind of, in my drunkenness, thought these guys were going to come up on me. Mm-hmm. So, I preemptively started striking. And then I just wound up. You know. Just dudes trying to get off. It was in the bus. Sure, sure. To go to work. Yeah, yeah. It was just awful. Yeah. The Marine Corps just got me out of there. Okay. Sent me home. Yeah. Were police involved and stuff? It was actually a base bus. So, it was on base. So, it was military police, luckily. Okay. If I went to regular. They probably would have killed me. And they would have had a real good time. They probably would have had a real good time with you, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You were starting to get a little fucked up, too, right? Because when I met you, the other thing we had in common, which was crazy, is that we both didn't drink. I got sober in the Marines. Right. They sent me to a Navy hospital for rehab. Oh, really? Yeah. They sent me there. In the wake of that situation on the bus? No, after that, I got a DUI. Okay. Okay. Luckily, nobody was hurt. But that was the last time I drank. Shit. I was only 20. And the treatment center. The treatment center, was it conventional treatment, or was it some proprietary version that the Navy had? Was it like AA and 12 staff? It was like AA. I'd spend like a month before I could go, and they put me on this drug called Anabuse. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. We don't know Anabuse. I got there. I lived there. It was like six weeks. And there was like. People from all the armed forces were there. And there were some people that were there for drinking and drugs and a couple overeaters. Really? Huh. In the Navy? And then some of them were like retired. Okay. But they could still use the, you know, the VA. Yeah. Yeah. And there was a few guys that were there for fucking gambling. Oh, wow. And those are the guys I felt the most sad for. Tell me why. Man, you're 22. Oh, yeah. And you owe $800,000. That's never going to fucking. Do you know what I mean? The thing I feel worse for, because I've actually. I've gotten to interview a couple dudes who had the gambling addiction. I think the crazy trap of gambling addiction is like, you imagine waking up in the morning after a four-day Coke bender, which I've done many times, and you feel absolutely demoralized and dead. And if you could look in the mirror and go, all I got to do is another kilo to get back to zero. Yeah. Fuck. That's the trap. It's like, their life's fucked. And they're like, if I could just get back to zero, I'll quit. Like, that's the premise. And it's like, oh, God, that's rough. And I can imagine thinking that. I felt bad for those guys. Here it is. Oh, man. I'll be damn it. That's not true. Totally different place. There it was. Here it goes. Since you were so young, has it not ever crossed your mind, like, oh, I bet I was just young. Have you ever been tempted to drink? Or do you currently drink? I don't drink. Yeah. It's been like 37 years. Yeah. Yeah. You just have no interest. Well, it's been so long, it's just too much to risk for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And sometimes I'm like, well, maybe I was just a kid. Yeah, yeah. But like, why do that experiment? Truly. That's the correct. That's the correct decision. Yeah. But I think it can be hard when you're so young. That's where I see. It's very hard that I've seen the dudes in AA, like, coming at 16, they got sent to. And then now they're 30, and they're responsible and have careers and families. Yeah. And I'm like, wait, am I really powerless over. You know? Yeah. That's hard. Well, after rehab, I didn't go to AA. Right. I just kind of. White-knuckled it. White-knuckled it. Or was it easy for you? It wasn't easy, but as soon as I got out of the Marines, I started working in bars. Because I thought. If I saw it every day, it would get easier. Interesting. Deep immersion therapy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I also didn't want to miss out on stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. I can relate. I did that for forever. Okay, so when do you move to LA? And do you come here specifically to get into comedy? No. I went to film school in San Diego. Okay. San Diego State. I graduated in 97, so I came out here right after I graduated. Mm-hmm. In my mind, I thought I was going to be an action guy. Okay. Direct action movies. Right. Yeah. Big dude. Yeah. It makes perfect sense. Was in the Marine Corps. You look in the mirror. And I thought all the famous guys would beat me up in some sort of movie. That was the plan. And then I met this gal, and she took me to a groundling show. Okay. And I've never even heard of improv before. Right. And I saw it, and I was like, that's the funniest, coolest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe they're doing that. Yeah, yeah. It's nuts. It's nuts. It's nuts. It's nuts. And then I just sign up for classes. What year did you start? Was it the late 90s? 2002 or 2003? 2002. Okay. I can only remember because I got Punk'd. I know Punk'd aired in 03, so then I kind of reverse engineered. So I think it must have been 2002 we were together. Yeah, probably. I'm not good with years, but I think it was 02. So then I don't even realize, Aaron, the best part is, is I'm friends with this guy, Steve DeCastro. Yes. At that point already. So Steve was the bartender slash manager of this bar in Santa Monica called The Circle Bar. Yeah. Oh. Which was about the only rowdy bar in all of Los Angeles, I think, right? Yeah, I remember that bar. It was. It was rowdy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Little roadhouse-y vibes. Yeah. Yeah. And you were. When did you get your job there? Like '99? I worked at Jumbo's Clown Room for a while. Oh, sick. Tell us more about that. Do you know about Jumbo's Clown Room? It reminds me. It's a very familiar. Trip joint? Around the corner. Right around the corner. It's like a dive bar where there happen to be strippers. Yeah. They're the ones that probably went and got hired elsewhere. Sure. Yeah. And they're dancing in front of all these mirrors, and the mirrors have not been cleaned in a decade, right? Oh. Yeah. It's just you walk in there and you feel absolutely terrible about everything that's going on. Yeah. But it was woman-owned and operated. Oh, it was? That's insane. Yeah. So no one was taking advantage of the girls. Right. Very female-positive strip club. Yeah. And a lot of girls went there. Ironically, they didn't clean the windows. Oh, okay. A lot of girls went there. So was it kind of a lesbian hang? It was just a really hip kind of place. Yeah. Yeah. All sorts of people went. I quit mid-shift once because I threw a guy out and we had a pretty good tussle. Okay. And then he looked at me and was like, "I'm going to come back and I'm going to get some guys and we're going to shoot you." Yeah. And I've been threatened to be shot a lot. At the circle bar? Yeah. Yeah. Just as a bouncer. It just happens. Yeah. And I believed him. It was good. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe good. So I told the bartender, I'm like, "Hey, maybe we should call the cops because I think this might be going down." Yeah. I'm like, "We're going to call the cops." Even if you're killed here, we won't call the cops. That's never going to happen. But I got a split, man. So I just left. That's the last time I worked. How frequently were you having to physically remove someone at the circle bar? A lot. Like every other night. Every other night? I would say someone had to get, maybe not every other night, but a lot. Okay. And then what percentage of those people were going along with getting thrown out? Which percentage were wanting to have them thrown out? 85% of the people just walked out because they weren't mad at us. Right. Nor was I mad. It's weird wrestling somebody that you're not emotionally attached to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is a weird feeling. Yeah. Takes you back to junior high. Like Aaron and I wrestled, I don't know, a couple hours every day. Yeah. For years. Yeah. Because it's time to wrestle. Yeah. We would just run up and just grab dudes. Yeah. Yeah. You know, every once in a while, they had shit to say about us. Yeah. It was a pretty. Aaron had set the scene. It was a pretty extensive bouncer crew, right? There was three of you or something like that? Yeah. Yeah. One in the back. To give a vibe. When you need three bouncers at a bar. Roadhouse vibe, huh? Yeah. uh and what was like the pecking order of the bouncers jess was definitely the lead the the cooler he was yeah he was definitely de casta was a bouncer for a while okay yeah i swear i met him and he wasn't yet a black belt in jujitsu no they all started together oh okay yeah did you love it i would i feel like i would love this at times it was awesome yeah you had one bad one that i want you to tell aaron you had a situation in back there's a couple guys or three and you're like okay i just gotta stay on my feet right now it was in the alley there was two guys uh-huh i just remember just hold on to one and don't fall down if you fall down it's over so i remember just grabbing a hold of one oh and using him as like a like a crutch and just taking taking shots until the cowboy in the alley i was just like just don't fall down man and it wasn't their first time fighting together i'm certain i told you this is the now we have no credibility because i said that we trained at the cronk gym yeah right but we had the craziest night ever one night in um in manhattan where they're working for gm we're doing a car show our clients have thrown us a thank you party because we've been working so hard for them and they're like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry we've been working so hard for three weeks and of course it's an open bar and all of us are like 23 years old or whatever so we get annihilated and um for six months i've been saying to everyone the next time i get in a fight i want to eight palm somebody and this is i just made this up i want to like just as hard as i can just face you know hand to the face and eight palm this is just a joke right and so we're walking out and i bump into a guy and i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm and i turn and genuinely turn i'm so nice i'm like oh dude i'm sorry i'm sorry he's like yeah motherfucker you better fuck it what he just pops off right and there's like 10 of us we're all working together washing cars and he goes like that i turn like i'm gonna leave it and i fuck and i know they're watching and i just fucking as hard as i can i get to smack this guy right in the face and i squeeze and i take him right down to the ground oh man it's we're so pumped i actually did this eight palm thing and the second i fall on top of him i'm like oh my god on the ground now bouncers are there and they're picking me up and then now aaron is in the mix and now it's a fight with the bouncers right and we're not doing too bad in that fight but we eventually they're successful at getting us out of this bar yeah and they don't follow us out and now we're on the street and we're all revved up and then this is the part that's impossible to believe makes no sense swear to god like five asian dudes that are in all they're all in adidas track suits they see this whole thing and then all we're just immediately in a fight with these guys from game of death that's the look i mean maybe even that was their vibe we're doing game enough but this this is just a melee and our clients these girls are now out of the bar and they're like shoving different members in cabs and stuff all to say we do not win that fight like not at all and not only did we not win it the next day we're prepping cars and i'm like i have the weirdest pains someone like kicked me in the liver um dudes are like dudes necks hurt in a weird way like some weird shit went down i was always sober at work and that's a big advantage i at least had like balance vision you know what i mean i've seen one of those but do you remember that sketch we wrote where we were both robots the military had designed the ultimate killing machines yes oh of course please please explain it but it's i don't think it ever made no show no no it never did and it was but our peers liked it when we put it up on wednesday it was dax and i and we were supposed to be like the new terminator yes for whatever yeah because we're comedians we look like our old friends and we're supposed to be like the new swords we're both up there and we're supposed to like we're being presented yeah we're just on display yeah and we both have our shorts on and our shirts off right yeah yeah and then i forgot who is narrating but someone's like the announcer narrating and then there's questions from the audience from reporters and they keep on talking about all our physical flaws why are their noses so big you know they're like we see you gave them biceps but why do they have such skinny legs you don't have asses what's happening was there a reason you designed them without asses why these enormous noses why does he have hair on his chest and that guy does yeah and what's kind of great about that is like we're playing into the fact that like already we know in that scene like the fact that we are lifting weights and talking about fight this isn't great so of course they're thinking to me like oh these fucking blowhards are going to talk about their muscles their ultimate killing machines they're going to talk about their muscles their killing machine and then it's just a complete takedown of how disgusting looking we are that guy's eyes are too close to me he doesn't look like a person aren't these supposed to look like people it was really fun stay tuned for more mom's car dex you're ordering groceries on uber eats okay what's the one snack you add to the cart before you even think about the essentials oh oreos all day every day and then maybe a little milk with it for donkey dunk that is essential for oreos all right now you're ordering uh your essentials but before you do you're gonna throw in a snack and what are you putting in there the thing that makes me the thirstiest yeah pretzels oh okay great and you love being thirsty i love being thirsty and there's nothing that makes me thirstier and you make people thirsty if i may we are supported by uber eats do you love cooking but dislike having to find parking and wandering aisles trying to remember if you're actually out of certain ingredients because same the good news is you can skip the grocery run and have what you need delivered in as little as 25 minutes with uber eats shop fresh produce pantry essentials and all that everyday good stuff from your favorite grocery stores whether you're stocking up for the week grabbing a few essentials or getting ingredients for tonight's dinner uber eats makes grocery shopping easy less time shopping more time for everything else and you don't even have to put your shoes on so many wins get your groceries delivered with uber eats save 20 off your first order of 60 plus with code mom's car 20 terms apply see app for details but that didn't make the no i don't think i don't think you and i did you and i ever get a sketch in i don't think we did no it was too when we got together to write so we're doing volcanoes animals or or killing machines yeah but guy has it gotten to you how many times i've told your sketch about the physics class on this show oh man i'm not kidding in 1200 episodes i bet you i've told 45 people that sketch oh wow that's flattering yeah it's my very favorite sketch i've ever seen in my life oh it's just it's too brilliant please tell me how you came up with this sketch and what happens in the sketch all right well i was listening this makes me sound super smart i was listening to npr and uh some dude is being interviewed and he is a quadriplegic and he's got that voice the stephen hawking's voice but it wasn't stephen hawking right i'm like well that's weird that's stephen hawking's voice they should give him another voice and then i thought suppose suppose two people in a room and i'm like oh my god and they had that voice how would you know who was talking and then i wanted to i made a teacher taking attendance on the first day of astrophysics class and the students are just being kids yes and they're all stephen hawking everyone have the computer voice everyone's in a wheelchair i remember this sketch i fucking john smith here who said that yeah i did you which one are you uh i'm the girl i remember like i'm the girl yeah i'm the girl class dismissed i didn't say that yes i did i'm the teacher and i stink wait wait and then i had him laughing and it was just kids you know fucking with the teacher the reason it is the perfect sketch is like the premise alone is like a triple a plus right but then beyond the premise it's truly you wrote who's on first like yeah on top of like the construction of it and how it built and how insane it got and how everyone's talking and you don't know who's and by the way the visual is just there's five people on stage just sitting not moving with straws in our mouths and we just had to like not break yeah yeah - That was my only assignment. - Was that, do you think, your most successful sketch? Yeah, there, yeah. How long did that run? Weeks and weeks. Yeah, yeah. And then I had a lot of sketches. This is probably why I knew I was more of a writer than an actor. Where I didn't speak at all. Sure. I had a lot of those sketches. Well, i.e. our robot sketches. Yeah, and we did no talking in there. Had you gotten a job writing on Mad TV? Is that, you got it? Yeah. Yeah, while you were still in the Sunday Company? No, it was a couple years later. Oh, it was. Were you voted out? Yeah. Yeah. How did you take it? I've gotten to talk to A.G., like, had to go see a therapist. I was completely fucked up over it. Well, how did you take it? The way Karen explained it to me, I was kind of like, that tracks. Oh, okay. Because she was like. You saw the merit of her argument? Well, she's like, you're a good writer. Uh-huh. You don't do characters that well. Well, you got a great guy from Long Island. And I'm like, yeah, but that's about it. And I got a southern version of that, and maybe a gay version of that, and that's about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like. She's like, you don't do characters, like, well enough. I was really bummed about it. And I never thought anyone who did get in didn't deserve it. Right. I never had that feeling. Well, yeah, they had an embarrassment of talent in so few slots. And then I've asked you. I do an improv show there, Bad Company, with all ex-Sunday Company members. I have to do it. I very much want to do it. Yeah. I would love for you to do it. I think I told you for years I had a chip on my shoulder about it. And then I did go do a Cooking with Gas show one time. Yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah, I got to get over this. It's. And then I've gotten to hang out with. I've gotten to hang out with Ben a bit over the last year or two. I've started to go to his poker game. Yeah. And I've been kind of heartbroken that I was so hurt by that whole thing that I didn't stay in touch with those guys as much as I would have liked to. And then I'm playing poker with them. I'm like, oh, yeah, they've all stayed. And that was the funnest group I was ever involved with. I mean, it was so fun to go there Wednesday night, just be there for eight hours, listen to sketches. Yeah. So you're there teaching? I teach there now. Wow. But teaching there and not being in the main company, it's always kind of like a chick breaking up with you and you being in the friend zone. Still helping her move out of her apartment. Yeah, she'll go to his room, talking to her when she breaks up with somebody, still doing shit like that. I have students become main company members, so I'm like, ah, this is great. Super happy for them. So, Guy, I hadn't seen you for a long time, and then you had that heart issue, and then I got to go see you in the hospital. Yeah. Open heart? I've had two open hearts now. Two. And what is the condition? I mean, obviously, you've exercised your whole life and stuff. Well, the open hearts were to replace my aortic valve. Ooh, that's your biggest, right? Yeah. You know, they wear out, so they had to replace it. Okay. You know? Oh, the replacement ones wear out? Yeah. Are they pig? Mine is a bovine. Oh, okay. And then. A cow? Yeah. They told me I could pick from that or an artificial one. Uh-huh. The artificial one, you're on, like, heavy meds forever. I picked the bovine. But I asked, and I was. I told. What a weird menu. I thought I was being funny, because that's how I deal with stress. And I'm like, look, I run a lot. Can I have a wolf one? And the doctor was like, no, we don't have wolves, nor have I ever heard anyone getting anything from a canine. What you really. And he starts explaining it, and I'm like. He's being serious. Yeah, I'm like, this is a bit, but it's done. I constantly get myself in that situation, paint yourself into a corner, and I go, fuck, he kind of thinks I'm serious. Yeah. And then you've got to act like, oh, okay, well, that's unfortunate. I know they have great endurance. I think they say the best endurance in the animal kingdom. But is it a genetic thing that your aorta was not great? Before that, I had a V-tach, which is a ventral tachycardia. Okay, what's that? Which is when your heart starts beating out of control. Okay. And that's. So, like, what was your heart rate, do you know? 200. Oh. Like, the rest of your body is shutting down. Oh. It's not getting any air. And Jen drove me to the hospital, and they said, you definitely should have taken an ambulance. Oh, wow. What age were you? 44. Fuck. Oh. Yeah, I need an explanation for that. They don't know why that happened. Wow. And they put in a defibrillator, so I have a defibrillator in me now. Okay. And then I kept getting shocked, which is like somebody just flicking your switch. How does that feel to get shocked by the defibrillator? It's so alarming. It's instant. Gives you a heart attack. It's instant falling and screaming. Really? Yeah. Oh, man. Fucking, what if you were, like, riding a bicycle or something? You'd be fucked. You'd go over the handlebars. Yeah, but you would know it's coming. You would. You know, you'd get dizzy and whatever. Okay, okay. How many times did it go off? More than, like, five or six. Oh. So then I got an ablation, which is a cauterized part of your heart that's making a mistake. This is an electrical issue, right? Yeah. Yeah. And after that, I got something, and I don't know if this is from an infection from the operation or what, but I got something called endocarditis. Which infected my aortic valve. Oh, fuck. So that's when they had to, like, change that. Wait, they changed the cow valve? No, this is the first cow valve. This was, that's when I got the first one. Two weeks ago, I got a new defibrillator. You did? Yeah, they upgraded me. That's why I had to lose so much weight. Oh, really? Yeah. Really quick, am I right in that that's probably the hardest surgery on your body, open heart, because they've got to break your. It went through my ribs. Oh. Yeah. Oh. It was rough. Oof, oof, oof. And now every time I. I mess around with Atticus, my middle son, about sparring. Uh-huh. I just guard my chest. I give up punches to his face. I don't want him to hit any equipment there. Oh, sir, sir. Oh, fuck. But you had your boys when all this started, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were all alive. I assume that's the only thought, right? Like, when I think about dying, I'm weirdly a little at peace with it. Like, I've had the fucking most charmed life a human could have. I don't know how much more I deserve. So part of me is just like, yeah, I mean, it's been a great ride. But then I go to, like, imagining my daughters not having a dad, and I'm like, oh, my God, I have to stay alive forever for them. That and for Jen and everyone. Yeah, yeah. How did they respond to that, too? Punch you in the stomach? They're not girls. Yeah, you know what I mean? They're like, I'm glad you're back, Dad. Where were you? Yeah. They're concerned. And, you know, when I was heavier, they did not curtail how much I needed to lose weight. Oh, heavy. I got, like, 270. Like, lifting 270 or just, like, fucking 270? I got myself measured. I went to, like, a vitamin store. Okay, great. So it was really accurate. Sure. But I was 270 and about 22% body fat. That's not bad at all. Yeah. You had so much muscle. Yeah, a lot of muscle, but, like, covered with fat. Yeah, yeah. But now they got me on a ZipBound. Sure, sure. That's the one I'm. Fuck, that shit works. Oh, God, yeah. I lost 80 pounds. Wow. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. And was it, like, hard? Right. So everyone I know is on it. Yeah. So I did it for two weeks literally just to see what's happening. And I was only on a. I split up the 2.5 dose, which is a starting dose. I split it into two doses. Yeah. And after, like, the one. I was like, oh, I could never eat again. Because that's not. Of the many vices I have, I have good control over eating. Like, it's not hard for me to control it. So I'm already quite controlled. And then you added that in the mix. And I was like, oh, yeah, I could just never eat again. I wouldn't give a fuck. It was a crazy feeling. Jen is now like, you can't keep skipping lunch. Right. You got to kind of make yourself eat. Well, that's the good part of it, because you do have to make yourself eat. So then you're going to be like, well, I want to eat something good. Yeah. If I got to eat, I'd like to eat some protein or whatever. Would you say 70 pounds, 80 pounds? 80 pounds. Oh, my God. So I'm like, what, 188, 190 now. So I had that, too. You know, I had a rack with the Castro. We were up in Sonoma. And I went over the hand bars. And it broke my clavicle into four pieces. So it was just kind of floating, right? Yeah. So they went in there, and they put a plate in and put it all back together. Healed up great. Like, it was perfect. And I was lifting really quickly, and it was just perfect. Yeah. And I was, like, so happy that it turned out so well and hadn't affected anything. And then I was riding my electric bicycle to the attic. So I used to live in one house and then record it, the one you were just at that we were remodeling. Always recorded there. And we had a really early interview, which we never had. And it was over Zoom. And so I'm going to work at, like, 7 a.m. It's still dark out. And I'm coming over this hill in my neighborhood. And the second I crest the hill, I see headlights, and there's a car coming. I'm going to hit this car. And I'm on my electric bicycle probably going, like, 25, 30, right? And so I immediately swerve to the right. But then as soon as I swerve to the right, there is a parked pickup truck that is, like, 25 feet away. So I know I'm hitting the pickup truck, right? But better than the oncoming car. And I just locked up the back brake and went down and slid. And, like, the bars bent the bumper of this truck. But I didn't, like, center punch it and go flying, which is all I cared about. So I was, like, pretty pumped with how that crash went down. But I did land on my left shoulder. And I was like, oh, fuck. So you didn't mess it all up again? Well, I just was like, I didn't even want to know, right? I was just like, yeah, it hurts. But before long, I'm back to lifting, and everything's groovy. And I just don't want to know. I don't want to know. It was such a huge surgery. I don't want to know anything. I ignored this for probably six. Or eight months. And I'm up in Utah shooting Top Gear. And I notice I've got, like, now an egg above my clavicle out of nowhere. And it's very tender. And I'm like, I can just tell I have an infection. I'm like, what could that be? So then I go back to my doctor who did the operation. And he does an x-ray. And he's like, what the fuck happened? Like, all the bolts are broken out. It's back in two. Now it's in two pieces, not four. But he's like, what happened? I'm like, I crashed my bike. He's like, why didn't you come in? I'm like, I didn't want to know. "I wanna hear this!" And he's like, "Okay." I got to get back in there. Point is I go in for the operation and I've already had it once. Now they're going to go in and put two plates in and we're going to do a bone transplant from my hip to make sure that the bone fuses. And as it's pitched to me, like the operation starts at eight, I'll probably be awake at two and I'll probably get discharged at five or whatever. And I wake up from the surgery and it is definitely nighttime and I am not where I went into the surgery. Like I went to some surgical clinic in Beverly Hills, but I wake up and I'm in Cedars. Oh man. And I'm all by myself and it's nighttime. And I'm like, what happened? You know, and I look down at my arm and I have a fucking tube coming out of my arm. And then eventually someone comes in and they're like, okay, so they got in there and yeah, they discovered this huge infection you had. And then it turns out he had to call Chris in the middle of the operation and say like, look, I don't know really what I should do. I've, I've pulled the bone transplant, but I'm afraid if I put it in this infected area, it's just going to be a waste. I don't know. I'm thinking about sewing him back. I'm getting over the infection, but also there's a good chance. Maybe it'll all work out. And she's like, I just do it. I get it all done. And let's roll the dice. So I had this PICC line for three months and I had to do, she had to do those. Yeah. Yeah. And I got the kids doing it for me. Like it became a thing. Yeah. I took him to Hawaii by myself with this thing. And I was like, they told me not to go in the ocean, but I go in the ocean, whatever. That's neither here nor there. Wait, you went in the ocean with a PICC line? Yeah, with a PICC line. I was just like, I can't get this wet. How? Net over it in a plastic fucking shower cap or whatever. Something that would never keep the water out. That's his neck. There's a krill in your blood system. Plankton and krill. This teeming. The infection's gone, but you seem to have a lot of plankton and krill. So anyways, all to say, you know, I, for whatever reason, I never talked to the infectious disease doctor throughout this whole process. I'm just talking to my surgeon a lot, but the infectious disease guy has to clear me to get the tube out. And so it gets to that day, and I take some tests, and I'm talking to him. He's like, yeah, okay, so you can get it out on Tuesday or whatever. I'll send a nurse over. And I said, what was the infection? Was it like, because I broke it? Was there like necrotic flesh or something that turned into an infection? And he goes, oh, no. You 100% got this infection on the first operation. And had you not crashed your bike and caused that whole thing, you would have gone sepsis, and we would have not known where this infection was at. Or could have traveled to that. Yeah. He's like, we would have been dealing with, like, some major organ issues and not even knowing where it's coming from. And I was like, that's insane that that fucking bike crash might have saved my life. Wow. When I was so cranky about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, isn't that bonkers? So these boys, there's nothing I like more than when you post the pictures of these boys. Like, they really turned out. They're very much like you, you know, from what I can tell from Instagram. One of them's super into kickboxing, yeah, or still? Yeah, the middle one, he's going to college now. So he's not doing it as much as he used to, but he was really into it. Okay. Talk about speed. He posted a video of him working the bag, and I was like, oh, my God, this kid is lightning fast. He went to this legit fighting studio, Fight Science. Uh-huh. He must have been, I wouldn't want to spar with him because he was 17. Uh-huh. So you don't want to take it out on a minor. Yeah, sure. But fucking really aggressive. It's a fucking nightmare scenario. Teeming with testosterone. Yeah. There's a no-win situation for you there. Yeah. Sweet. Say their names to Aaron. The oldest is McCabe. McCabe. What a fucking piece of shit. And then the middle is Atticus. Oh. And the youngest is Rafe. These are the best boy names I've ever heard in my life. That's old gen. Oh, really? I wanted to name each one Wolfgang von Stevenson. All three of them? Well, I pitched it three times. Oh, okay. Wolfgang von Stevenson. I remember another us meeting story. Oh, yeah. Tell me. We step out of the groundlings like on break. Uh-huh. Right? And I think this is when like I'm first in. There's a Continental parked out front. Uh-huh. And I go to you. I'm like, dude, that's my fucking dream car. And you're like, that's my car. Oh, shit. Again, in other ways, I was like not a great fit for that place. I had a Harley and a 67 Continental. Dead broke. Yup. And not one person in there gave a fuck about any of that stuff. Aaron bought this fucking piece of shit Suzuki when we were kids. And we tried to ride this fucking thing to Austin, Texas, both of us on this 650. We have milk crates on the back. Couple guys. Two men. Wait, recently? No, we were 19. Okay. Yeah, we lived together. And we were like, we kept hearing Austin was a cool city. And we're like, let's go to Austin. Yeah. Yeah. Let's take that motorcycle. It barely runs. And let's ride two up on it. And it was the most miserable experience that we've ever had in our lives. You would think you'd want to be driving right and not be passenger. But it was so much wind and it was so miserable that you actually we both wanted to be passenger because the wind was broken. And we got to St. Louis and we're at a gas station. We would trade driver every tank of gas, every tank of gas, or at this gas station in St. Louis. We're halfway there. We're driving for like eight, nine hours. And I look at Aaron and I go, I don't know if I can make it. And he's like, oh my God, thank God you said that, dude. I have not wanted to be on this motorcycle since I've been crying while I was driving. And I was like, I couldn't figure out the words to say I'm not in. I'm not man enough for this. We found a field and we found a guy to buy us a case of beer and we sat in a field and got drunk and then slept in the field. We were so happy. Turned into a great story. It was a relief. I knew this was going to be fun, but it was even more fun than I thought it was going to be. What a fun trip to memory lane. All right. I adore you. Oh, cool, man. Isn't that great? We didn't fight. We just got to be best buddies. You're about 50 pounds heavier than me, so yeah. We navigated it really well. I'm proud of us. A lot of energy. Yeah, you guys did good. We are supported by Allstate. Checking that your phone was backed up before you upgraded. The guy at the store said you're all set and well, you believed him, only to open your photos and they're gone. Yeah. Checking first is a good plan. Not checking what the warning light means before pulling out of your driveway. You absolutely convinced yourself it was probably just a sensor thing right up until you were standing on the side of the road waiting for a tow. Yeah. Checking first is the right move. And for fast, reliable insurance. And for reliable help when you need it, add an Allstate roadside plan today. Potential savings vary. 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