Mom guilt: the s*x talk & the firstborn shift

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Learn more on the Uber app. There was so much guilt with having my second kid. I just rushed this so much to the point where, like, Griffin got, like, no time along with me. People really think, rest of milk could cure cancer. I know. World peace. I tried putting it on some of my skin rashes, and I still had a rash. No, it's because it was in water. I think that was, like, our parents' generation. They're like, you sit them down one time, you get it done, you never bring it up again. Rip the mandate. And then the kids are like, one time my mom said penis, and it was really scary. Welcome back to Always Here. I'm your host, Abbey Howard. And I'm Abbey Howard. I'm also Abbey Howard. And you're listening to our podcast. We are here every Friday, or whenever you choose to listen to it, fit us in your schedule, to share the hope and the heart with heart and humor. That's right. I feel like we haven't said that for the past couple weeks. I know. I don't even think we've done hope and hearts in a while. Like, we kind of have. Yeah, but. I got them this week. I did too. Okay, you go first. Okay. Well, Easter was so fun. Yes. And super hopeful. I do think there was a little bit of a heart and just missing my family. Because all my family's in Missouri. And we live in Arizona. So I feel like every holiday that comes around, I just feel a little FOMO. And it's always like a little sad. But it's always so fun here with our family here. Yeah. Wait. Aren't your parents back in town? My mom's back in town. Okay. But like my sisters, my grandma, all my. I was thinking about this. I haven't seen my extended family in a really long time. Because we didn't go back for Christmas this year. Like we went early with Vivian since she was so fresh. We just kind of skipped all the big parties. So yeah. Just haven't like seen any of my cousins and my aunts and uncles in a really long time. That's sad. I know. Yeah. When you think about it, you're like, dang. Your time is just limited. Mm-hmm. I guess. Like I would say my family's smaller. Like pretty small in the grand scheme of things. They're able to come out here and like. It's. But you know, there's pros and cons to that. It's kind of fun probably to have like a huge family gathering. Yeah. And stuff like that. Yeah. It is. Yeah. Easter was fun. We had a good time. My grandma came to visit. That was actually my hope. It was really fun having my grandma. She stayed with us. But she. She hasn't stayed with us the past couple times that she came. Or actually just the last time she came. She stayed with my parents. And it was fun having her stay here. And my grandma is 82. She was. She's like widowed. Does that sound like a bad way of saying it? My grandpa passed two years ago. She's been a widow for two years now. And like she was married for over 50 years. And you know, I always think. I'm like what would be the worst possible thing that could happen in my life? And I'm like. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Dying. I know. Would be like. Sorry to make it heavy. I'm like that would be the worst possible thing. Yeah. But then honestly like. Like looking at my grandma now. Which my grandma and my grandpa for their entire lives were like attached at the hip. Like did everything together. But like watching my grandma now has honestly been so inspiring to me. Because I'm like okay. Probably the worst thing ever has happened to her. And like I'm looking at her. Like have. Saying. I have a new lease on life. Kind of sounds like. Like she would never have chosen that. She would still choose to have my papa here for sure. Yeah. But like seeing the way that she has like moved through that grief. And like carried it with her. And like honestly like put herself in this position that she is now. Where she's like traveling for the first time ever at 82. She. My grandpa had like a severe fear of flying. They didn't have the finances to travel when they were younger. Wasn't even really a thought. And then later on in life when they had the money. And the like ability to. They still like he had a severe fear of flying. And so now my grandma this year is like going to Greece. She's going to Alaska. She's like got. She's coming here. And it's like cool and inspiring. Like she has all of her girlfriends. And I don't know. I just see her. She's a very resilient woman. I really respect that about her. And also like our whole family. She lives in the Midwest too. Our whole family like left our hometown. Uh huh. Except for her. And so she has every reason to like kind of sulk. And like I don't know. Make me feel alone. Not try new things. Right. And just like like just feel down on herself. Right. But she kept talking to me about. She's like growing old is not. She's like there's a lot of good things about growing old. I thought she was being sarcastic. She was not. And I'm like oh I'm so happy to hear you say that grandma. Like I feel like I don't want to hear bad things about getting old. You know. Throw back to our Botox episode. She's such a spitfire. And she is a spitfire. I love it. That comes with its pros and cons. But she then. I'm like well okay like what are you talking about? She's like well I just. She goes I have a much lower appetite now. She's like. That's your first bro. That's the first thing that she thought about. She's like I don't need to eat as much food. Oh my gosh. To feel full. And I was like well that's. Can't wait for that day. Gosh. Seriously I'm not there but. I'm excited for that day. And then she's like also she goes great grandchildren. And she's like so. Which I'm like I'm always excited. To be a grandma. Yes. I'm 27 but you know. I'm excited for it. It is so inspiring. But then I'm like great grandchildren. Totally. Another bonus. Totally. So it is. She like kept saying like these casual like really fun things about growing old. She's so active. She goes to her little workout class. People from my hometown send me pictures on Instagram of my grandma planking. 82. I was going to say it's so inspiring seeing like she's 82 with great grandchildren. And she's on the floor playing with them. Up and at them. Picking them up. Going all day like. Yeah. She picks them. Picking them up. I know. I'm like stop doing that. They're literally almost as tall as her. Literally. She's so small. She's like 4'10". Yeah. She's so small. She's going to get mad if she watches this because she is 4'11". She claims. Oh sorry. But I mean it's so impressive. And it's just a goal. You're like that is the goal. I know. I'm so. I'm so grateful that I have like an example like her to look up to. Yes. Totally. And both my grandmas. But specifically just since I spent the whole weekend with my grandma. I don't normally see. Right. I was just like it was. It was really good. Matt always tells me. I'm just like her. Yeah. In a lot of ways you are. Yeah. I'm like thanks. Yes. And I like. So anyway it's fun. And we also. It was my grandpa's birthday. The same day as Easter. So together we made a carrot cake. Which was his favorite type of cake. And we like just talked about him as we made it. And it was really sweet. And special. Because we were like thinking about something we wanted to do that would like honor him and memorialize him. But we're like we don't want it to be sad. Right. Like Matt was like we could play Go Cubs Go. Like which was. Was that his favorite game? He was. It's a song. I'm sorry. I thought it was a game. I feel like that's fair. Go Cubs Go. Go Cubs. That's what they play at the end of the Cubs games if they win. See listen I'm a Cardinals fan. So I just don't know that one. I could cry right now. You want me to cry right now? No. No stop. This is me. I thought it was a game with stacking cups. No I'm going to cry right now. Oh okay. Let it feel it. My great grandpa. Your great grandpa? I'm going back another generation. I didn't know you knew your great grandparents. I come from a generation of Cubs. Generations of Cubs fans. Okay. And it's like not. It's not even like. It's not even light hearted. Like it's like really really serious. I know. And I feel bad. I feel like I'm not a member of the family because I don't care that much. Addie's nodding. She's like yeah. I have secondary. I have secondary care a lot. You know what I mean? But I have this just image of my grandpa's. My grandma's dad in the nursing home. I'm so sad thinking about this. Like he was like hunched over and he would watch reruns of the Cubs. This man lived to like upper 90s. Like he lived a long life. Never saw them win a World Series. Yeah. That's a tough one. And he would just play that song. I just really wanted him to see them win a World Series. We can have a hope that he knows. He's watching from above. I don't know. I was asking my grandma all these questions about heaven. She's like very like she's like nope that's not there. She's like I said do you think Papa can see us right now? She's like no. And he don't care. And I was like. And I was like. And I was like okay well. I love that. I was like that's an interesting take. It was so quick. Thank you grandma. I was trying to be sentimental there. Anyway I was like okay. I love that. Anyway Go Cubs go and then my grandma. We met our grandma and we're like no that's going to make us cry. And so we made a carrot cake instead and we all enjoyed it. It was good. It was delicious. Wow that was a long one. I cried during my hope but it was really a happy hope. Happy hope. I love my grandma. It's sweet. It was fun having her visit and yeah. It was so special having like that generation. That's the perk of like my parents had kids pretty young. So then you still have a grandma too. Yeah I know my grandma. She'll be 93 this year. Wow. I know I FaceTimed her for a while yesterday. It's sad like I feel like this is the first year where I've really seen her start to like you know she's getting slow. Like the first year I've noticed her age. Yeah. Like I think she's been like your grandma. She's just had so much energy and just so peppy and spunky. And this year I'm like okay yeah girl you're 93. And she always makes jokes about it. Yeah. You know. So it's like light hearted and funny. But yeah. - Yeah, she can't come out here to visit now, summer but um we're i'm actually one of my hopes was that i booked a bunch of plane tickets uh one is me and kilb's trip like our special fun trip which i'm sure i'll share like later in the year and then i'm booking a trip to go home in the summer which i didn't get to do that last year i know i'm so excited to go home especially like st louis summer is so nostalgic yes and take cj there and i don't know it'll just be great because you always go in the winter and it's just not as much to do in the winter yeah no so it's gonna be really fun i'm excited yeah what was your hard my hard i think it was just missing my family yeah and we've had just like a handful of health issues going on behind the scenes i probably won't talk about now but um yeah i just feel like when you're ever you're dealing with those things everything's fine but you're just like oh the waiting the anticipation of it is always trying to stay content and those moments can be difficult sometimes but there's not answers totally but yeah i feel good about it um my hard is like a it's like gosh i just feel like i'm not fully present anywhere i go in my life right now i feel like i'm just constantly thinking about okay what are the things i gotta do and what should i think about next or like what and then everywhere i'm at i'm like yeah i'm doing a lot of things but am i actually fully available when i'm where my two feet are anytime and so yeah i don't really know how to combat that very well actually last night kayla put on casey neistat made a youtube video talking about this really? i didn't watch the whole thing so i can't tell you the conclusion of it but he made a whole thing about how he feels like in his day he has four quadrants of like what he wants to do that's productive what he doesn't want to do but it's productive what he does not want to do and it's not productive but he does it anyway and then so why does that quadrant exist well it's like scrolling or going on social media you know like time wasters he was mostly talking about like procrastination but yeah he kind of i feel like that's he talked a lot about that feeling of like you're doing a lot and you're spinning your wheels but nothing's getting done no i feel like i'm getting a lot done oh you do think i just feel like i'm not like being a good friend i'm not like being good wife not being like i like i just feel like mom guilt like i'm like not fully like actually where i am where my fear like i'm like okay i'm like having a conversation with you but i'm like really in the back of my head i'm thinking about okay do we have x y and z set aside like ready for dinner tonight or what's what are we going to do with about this amount of time or what's how is the car like just all these other random things which i feel like always a thing but it just feels like it's a really like present issue at the time like i'm like there's always as moms we're always multitasking always having things going on but right now i'm like i feel like i can't compartmentalize like i need to and like be where i'm at and like so well you guys have had so much going on i feel like anytime you go out of town or you have upcoming trips or things planned you're always thrown out of your routine a little bit and when you're out of your routines you know you just start to feel a little like just not as confident in what you're you just need to clear the deck clear the deck start to without like you're not working out like you're doing your walks but it's not the same as like going and having your phone put away like you actually don't have access to your phone so you and when you're working out at burn you have to be present like you really can't be thinking about other stuff so it's like an actual set aside time rather than your walks you have your phone you could reply to a text you could listen to this audiobook you're doing the multitasking even when you're working out now that's a good point i think that's what it is you're missing a little bit of your typical routine there we'll see tomorrow yeah oh the update on the pelvic rest we pray it comes to an end i need to work out i need to get some rage out that rage out that's another thing that's really exciting is our event is this weekend which when this is posted it'll have already happened but we have not lived this event yet and i'm so excited yes we're so excited my cousin diana is coming in for her baby moon and she's coming to the event so shout out diana she says she listens every week which is so sweet yeah so i'm excited it'll just be such a fun girly morning i'm excited it'll be fun it will be fun uh we had our meeting with the trainers and we're like let's not make it like killer hard but i did think the workout looked pretty hard we'll we'll do next week on if it was actually yeah i'm excited that would be a fun one it looks like all of our favorite exercises agreed agreed well that's awesome we do have a wow that's crazy this week oh wait we never talked about you being late to eastern dinner oh well you know i didn't really think that i was late that was my heart i'm just kidding i just rolled her eyes i knew that i was late i sent a text i said the brussels sprouts are still cooking which now you saw my instagram post you know why i dropped all of them they fell out of the oven oh also by the way you thought my reel that addy was my mom yeah that was you yeah like nighttime no it's like 3 p.m yeah it was when brielle woke up from her nap it was just a flash and going past on the balcony one of the boys has a sleep sack oh my gosh that's hilarious well so why would you are we upstairs she's taking a nap oh okay i thought it was your mom carrying towels i'm sorry i take it back she said come on abigail what the heck there were followers who knew it was me oh my gosh i'm so out of the loop you're so out of the loop i tried to comment a joke i was late to easter um it wasn't a big deal it was just funny because wait why was it what were we talking about it was funny because what time did you show up 5 45 5 47 well here's the funny thing is i blake and i i had blake check the time arrival time so everyone knows 5 p.m is when dinner was okay never got that text i just assumed what that's actually fair i never got the text i just said i think it's five because that's when sunday dinner normally is yes which sometimes you preface with five is when five is when you're at the dinner table five is when you're at the dinner table five is when you're we're gonna eat at 5 30 so i knew there was some wiggle room there's always wiggle room i'm never gonna get mad about people being late i was really hoping there's wiggle room there's always wiggle room this is the funny thing i texted my mom when we left because i knew we'd be leaving slightly late i said leaving now at 5 11 so we left our apartment at 5 11 arrival time is 5 p.m we get there probably then at like 5 20 and my mom pulls up and she's like i thought it started at five i'm like it does sorry but i was also no your grandma was walking in with us i was like this is normal yeah no here's the thing as someone that's chronically late i'm never gonna be upset about someone being late like i i'm it literally doesn't bother me and because i'm like yeah i mean it's it's a so every time is an ish you know what i mean but it was just funny because that was the one day i was actually on time so i had everything prepped really because i was like i'm gonna work in advance and then i'll just chill sure it took until five o'clock so that's how bad my time management is that was great time management and well i thought i was gonna have like an hour of extra time of course i thought i was good because i got there i put my food down the table and then your food came out but it was just warming huh well then you went to the front porch and started taking pictures i thought i was like oh they're still cooking the food wasn't out oh i'm sorry everybody it's okay it gave a time for the kids to open their easter basket it's fine honestly i had no idea that we were being an inconvenience well that's for the people who think we're like so serious that shows you that we weren't that upset yeah i mean i literally didn't care at all i wasn't even actually hungry so i was just like thank goodness you're talking an hour your grandma warned you when you guys when you broke in that brunch she said it's gonna be a lot of food and you're like i'm pregnant i'm gonna eat it all and then you get the dinner like i can't tell me eight you said you felt better though better once i ate i feel like incantera poisoned me from the brunch because me and griffin both had tummy ache oh that was that chocolate fountain man chocolate fountain will do a chocolate fountain will do that it's cycling through something yeah there's a lot of germs in there i know i really enjoyed it you enjoyed the germs well the food easter was amazing it was amazing and that's all that matters okay that leads us into our that's okay it's okay you can call me out i'm not i'm not upset i'll be better next time i was early i don't you have a baby i was on time to two things uh this week that's incredible yeah so i think i'm making i'm thinking making a turn you're on a roll that's what i'm saying thank you policy genius for sponsoring this portion of today's episode it's now spring and everything is growing the plants outside our kids are out growing their clothes we have babies galore we're growing baby we are growing and as everything is growing there becomes a renewed sense of responsibility and urgency to protect what matters most that's where policy genius comes in policy genius fits our growing family by making scaling coverage easy prioritize your peace of mind and let policy genius help you lock in your life insurance today policy genius is an online marketplace that allows you to 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for you page on tiktok and this video stopped me in my tracks He, I guess, in the past, he kind of has some beef with the European WAC Center. And he had previously gone on a rant. The whole franchise? The whole franchise. He had gone on a rant, I guess, about they have a nine-minute grace period for their 15-minute appointments. And I guess he thought that the nine-minute grace period was really weird. Like, why not 10? You know? Oh, I can see that. Like, nine minutes is a weird number. Hey, do you remember it, though? That is memorable. That's probably why they do it. Yes. And they can't give you, like, normally if you go to the doctor, it's a 15-minute grace period, which I know that well. Were you late today? No, I'm just always, it's always, I'm always like, I have 15 minutes. Okay. That's great. I always follow their protocol that says, please arrive 15 minutes early. Yeah, you should see their 15 minutes early. Never once have I gotten there 15 minutes early. Paperwork. Today, I got, I had an appointment today. I got there on time. I was just two minutes early, and I was, like, crushing it. You're crushing it. What am I going to do with all this free time? Yeah, well, I did have to do paperwork, so. Anyway, Jake Shane had this podcast rant about. The nine-minute grace period. And then him and European Wax Center had, like, some funny beef back and forth. So, European Wax Center sent him a snark, basically, like, a snark coupon PR box that says, Jake Shane, VVIP member, exclusive 11-minute grace period because smooth doesn't rush. And then it has an asterisk, and it says, valid for select guests who don't know how to manage their time. Grace period does not extend appointment time. Physical card must be present. At checkout. They literally sent him a snark. He has to bring this massive coupon in. And he did it. Did he? Yeah, I think he did. He posted it on his Instagram. So, he wasn't offended, but the internet was offended. Yeah, I was shocked at the comments. A lot of people were mad at European Wax Center. They said that was, like, mean, petty. This is internet gold. Two free minutes. Two extra minutes. Yeah, it's gracious. That's gracious. For a 15-minute appointment, you have four minutes to get in and out. First of all, I do think nine minutes is fair if it's a 15-minute appointment. Agreed, yeah. But as, like, for me, I'm like, okay, yeah, I run late. I still have to suffer the consequences of my own lateness. Normally. Yeah, I always do. So, if I'm too late, then here we go. I can't get in. That's fine. I can't get in. That's on me. We talk about it. Everyone has consequences. Right. With the kids, I'm like, adults have consequences. But I think the part about it that I can kind of see where they're like, oh, gosh, where it's like, for people who can't manage their time. You're like, dang. That one cuts deep. That one, I'm like, oof. That's me. Oof. Oof. Oof. I feel that one. That is rough. So, he wasn't offended that other people. It didn't seem like he was offended. I mean, he read it in a tone where he was joking, obviously. You know, he was like, they called me out. Sinister. They cut to his core. I feel like people like that love that type of humor, though. Oh, my gosh. I mean, we're talking about it, you know? You know, poking fun, humor. Totally. This may be an inappropriate follow-up question, but what is Jake Shane getting waxed? What do men get waxed? I have no idea. I mean, I can imagine. I can imagine. Because I don't want to imagine what men get waxed. Can he use eyebrows? Eyebrows, chest. That's what I'm saying. If it's only a 15-minute appointment, it can't be for something that extensive. I think it's probably manscaping, but, you know, I've just never really thought much about that. Have either of you gotten waxed? I've gotten one wax before our wedding. Really? Was it so painful? No, it wasn't that it was so painful. I was just like, I'll just never do it again. You have to let your hair grow out. I hate that. Which, that, to me, feels like automatically I'm out on that. Yeah, like in the summer, you're like, oh, I have an appointment in two weeks, so I, like, gotta. Let it grow? What are you gonna do? Not go to the pool? Some people would just say, let it fly. That is teacher. I mean, teach their own. No, that's why I'm such a fan of laser. I've never gotten waxed. I got lasered, and that was such a great experience for me. Yeah, I remember with the waxing, it wasn't the initial, like, they'd rip it off, obviously, and you're like, ooh, it stings. But then they'd take the hot piece of paper, and they'd go over the same spot again, multiple times, and that was when I was like, all right, that's enough. Like a little punch, you know? Get out of there. I don't know. I don't like, I don't want to grow it out. With lasering, you shave before you go, so. Oh, why? Because it'll burn you otherwise. They're just getting the follicle. Oh, wow. So it goes through your skin. Interesting. Very interesting. And it doesn't hurt that. Well, they, when I got it done, because I got it done so long ago, where I was, they didn't have, like, the pain-free lasers, so it actually did kind of hurt. But, like, not terrible, but now they have, like, painless experience, and you can get it done. I've been doing that. You probably have to get a lot of appointments. Yeah, more sessions, which, more money in their pockets, so we'll see. But is it worth it for, yeah, no pain? Sure. Well, it's worth it just to not have any maintenance, like, anything to do. I know. My armpit hair grows so fast. Oh, yeah. I got my armpits lasered once, and I got pain. Yeah, that would be worth it. Same. Same. And then there's no darkness either, or razor burn. Yeah. Anyway, that's so funny. That's great. I loved the snarky PR. That was the first time I've ever seen a snark PR. I mean, if he's going to be publicly saying stuff. I love that they are allowed to publicly defend themselves. I know. In a playful way. Yeah, and here's the thing. He didn't have to post that. He thought it was funny, so he posted it. Totally. Agreed. So, you know what? I love it. Yeah, I loved it. I loved all the waxers in the comments that were like, it really is inconvenient if you're nine minutes late for an appointment. And I was like, I could see that, you know? Sets their whole day off. It does, yeah. I'm like, if we're booked and busy, baby, you better be on time. And it's also just like a time that they could have filled that slot, you know? Exactly. So, I get it. I get it. Yeah. I thought it was genius marketing. Okay. Do you ever feel guilty about being late? I sure do. Moving on to mom guilt. Good. Second question. Thank you. No, actually, I feel like guilt is like my common state. That's something I feel like I'm always just like, oh, I just feel so guilty about that. But you know what? It's okay. We're, everyone's got their things. I used to be such a guilty kid to the point where I would guilt myself into throwing up. Like, I would feel so sick to my stomach with guilt that I would throw up. But it happened multiple times. Oh, my God. Yeah. I grew out of that. But I just, then I was, I think that like kept me from doing bad things. I definitely had anxiety. And my anxiety always would come through as vomiting. Well, I thought you also pulled out your hair. I did. Yes. As a child. Yeah. You know, there are a few things that like. A few warning signs. A few warning signs. I don't struggle with anxiety now, but I definitely did through like high school. Dang it. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's funny. We're past that. I'm looking back on it. Um, yeah. I feel like mom and guilt kind of, unfortunately. They go hand in hand. Go hand in hand. Yeah. And, um, we actually pulled some of you guys on our Always Here podcast Instagram. So, thank you to those of you that follow us there. If you don't already follow us there, give us a follow and you can be a part of these episodes. It's really fun to like interact in that way. Um, a whopping 93% of you guys that are moms reported having experienced mom guilt. Yeah. Yeah. I want to talk to the seven that did. And honestly, I'm like, what does your lifestyle look like? Well, I'll show this a little bit later, but I didn't really feel mom guilt when I just had CJ. Okay. Actually, yeah. Yeah. Agreed. With my first, I didn't really feel it as much. Agreed. It's now subsequent children where I feel it more, but I'll talk about that later. So maybe, I mean, maybe they just don't feel good. Maybe I feel very confident in their decisions, which is like always the goal. That was actually something I was going to say too, is that I do feel like you can be confident and feel guilty. Yeah. Unless I'm delusional, because I feel like I do have a lot of confidence as a mom. But then I, maybe I'm just like, also, I do also feel guilty. Yeah. Maybe they can both exist. I just, I'm the same. Yeah. Yeah. And let me tell you, mom guilt can bring you to some wild places and some mental spirals. And I have surely found myself there many times, which we will get to my personal experience in a little bit. But we asked you guys, what is the wildest thing mom guilt has led you to believe? And we got a lot of funny responses. And I'm saying funny. It's obviously like, it probably wasn't funny for you at the time, because I know how real it feels in that moment. Yes. But in hindsight, reflecting on it, you're like, oh, that was. That was just anxiety. That was not real. That was just guilt. And you know what? Sometimes you need other moms to be like, hey, by the way, that's not on you. Right. That was going to happen regardless. For sure. Or like, this is something that's outside of your control. Your kids, like things happen. And it's not actually always your fault. Shocker. Totally. Shocker. Shocker. Who would have thought? You want to read some of them? Natalie said that my breast milk is ruining my baby's organs. Turns out she just has a dairy allergy. That's a real one. Like, when you're breastfeeding and nursing and you don't know why your kid is upset or uncomfortable or in pain, it does feel like it's your fault. Yeah. When you're the one, they're only eating what you're giving them. I mean, I get that. When you give it to them. Right. Right. Like, how you're giving it to them. Exactly. There's a lot of stress around that. This one just says, Bell's Grace says that I was demon possessed. That's what her mom guilt made her believe. I need more to that story. She's like, rebuke that. We rebuke that. We rebuke. Sydney said, my little boy has a speech delay because I let him have light up toys as a baby. Why do I feel that? I'm like, oh, if I give my kid toys that are overstimulating, they're going to have ADHD. You know? I feel like there's so many milestone mom guilt things. Like, so much mom guilt associated with baby milestones. Yes. You're like, oh, they're not doing this because I didn't do something. And it's like, probably, honestly, let's play marketing on some of that. I was going to say it's marketing. Marketing. Because they're like, oh, this toy helps with this. Or these contrast cards. It's like, sure, I'm sure it helps these things. But like, babies are going to develop in the way that they're going to develop. Right. And like, not because you use this toy versus this toy. Or you didn't use toys. Or you, like. Right. So many of those. Actually, you, this past weekend. What was it? Oh, yeah. With Vivian's, like, sitting up. You're like, she's not sitting up because I didn't. - I'm not giving her enough attention. - Yeah, and I was like, but you didn't say anything. that's a joke like she said it for real i was like i wonder if i'm just not giving enough attention aside to me i'm like you think i'm giving brielle more attention than you're giving to vivian there's no way i'm like you are such a good mom there's no don't compare it to the time span because i'm sure it's more that's sweet that's sweet it is it just it's crazy how our minds go there you know yeah especially when you have kids close together close in age yeah it's like really and it's crazy how much a month is different because for context addy's daughter brielle is a month older to the dot than vivian and so it's so fun seeing brielle's milestones because i'm like oh that's what i left like forward to it next month that's what's coming like it's been so fun to watch and then sometimes then i'm like oh my gosh maybe she's like she's not sitting up because i'm not practicing her sitting up as much you know or and i just had immediately before brielle one time and i was like it's so babies are gonna do their own thing and i have to remind myself that thank you ladies for reminding me that cecilia says that letting my nine month old play independently is ignoring him and bad for him all the time i i remember feeling that with cj because he loves independent play and so i was like i think i'm just a bad mom ignoring him like he just was so content he's just having fun okay leave him alone and i said if i left a drop of water in a bottle from washing it could kill my baby that's real a lot of what do you remember one time we were sitting in this room before it was this room and blake was warming up braille's bottle and he accidentally like dropped like he had the lid off measuring the temperature of it and he dropped it in and he came in he's like it might have gotten a little water i'm like look it up you looked it up you're like it's okay yeah i think he's fine it got water it is they were like don't give water to your babies yeah so they get a drop think about how much water is in your breast milk yeah it's like 80 i know but no one talks about that no one talks about that they just say don't give them water okay wow this person says i thought i was gonna get cps called on me because i couldn't breastfeed my firstborn not cps that is you're going far down the spiral oh my god ma'am because you couldn't breastfeed my firstborn oh that mom guilt will get you the breastfeeding will bring you to it'll bring you to your knees because i work from home and can't spend every minute with my toddler she isn't as smart or loved so much guilt associated with working as a mom it is it that's probably most of it for me same um lindsey said if i don't enjoy every moment i'm ungrateful oh my gosh i do that i tell matt i'm like what would you do for one hour of one year old griffin time back or like three year old griffin gonna cry right now because i'm like oh don't turn on the show we're not playing with them we're having fun or yeah that'll get you this one says i thought that if i didn't breastfeed my baby straight from my breast he wouldn't know what love was some people do that they do dude i have so much i like i'm all i agree with breastfeeding i love it but the propaganda against moms i'm like here's let me i have to tell you something i have to ask my mom how i was fed i was cursed i loved my mom yeah i was really i was formula fed i had no clue because you know what no there comes a point where it doesn't really i know i'm like i get it like the benefits are clear you know between formula and breast yeah do it if you can't but if you can't it's like why are we making people feel so horrible about gotta stop that we've gotta stop uh it's just propaganda some people really think breast milk can cure cancer i know world peace i know like i try to put it on some of my skin rashes and i still had a rash no it's because mostly water we're gonna get comfortable i'm not doing it we are gonna get comfortable no it's great i do it we do it we do it i literally actually kill myself to do yeah we actually are dying inside i cry like literally die to do it if i yeah i get it i get it i will continue but also we need to stop at any cost matt's like begging you he's like please he's like please you're going insane you're not okay you're like get back this in your mouth okay lindsey says if they watch tv i'm failing slash ruining them i probably believe that a little bit i know it's not true okay alicia that letting my baby cry it out will cause autism oh wow i've never even heard that one i mean your guilt will lead you to believe anything it's true um i thought one extra minute of sleep would ruin my baby's entire sleep schedule i mean i sometimes feel that way i'm like gotta get her up right two hours no minutes more schedule 60 seconds man i know battle good shot ali says i lost my patience one time today and now i've caused lifelong emotional damage that one's so real because i'm like i feel like the things that could potentially cause lifelong emotional damage are just things that you're not even thinking about yeah like i'm like i feel like it's gonna i think i heard this in a sermon and this pastor was like we're all gonna eventually have a conversation with our kids where they're gonna sit us down and be like these are the things that you did wrong and i know i was like oh it's so dark and obviously that's not like our goal like we're actively trying to not cause those things but then it's like in those moments we have to we have to learn how to like be humble and like learn how to take it anyway it was just it was really good i was like man that's just so true i've never done that to my parents i feel like me and my sisters have processed a lot with our childhood but we've had such blessed childhoods yeah i can't really think of i mean it's not like anything comes to the top of my mind um this one's because my daughter is adopted i'll never fully fill the void like her biological mom could oh okay now that one's really you should actually probably see someone that seems really deep and probably i'm sure there's a lot of other moms that you could find community with that maybe relate or feel the same way or can actually kind of speak into that because that's that's a tough one to carry yes and it's not true and it's just not heavy yeah you gotta work through that one honestly mom guilt makes me believe that i am the only one that can do anything for him that can happen i feel like i've experienced that a lot in the newborn stage when a lot of it does fall on me and then i'm like i have to actively fight against it i'm like kilb is an amazing dad he just does things differently than me they're not wrong they're just different and i had to learn to like just shut up and like let it be well i'm like he's doing it right matt would like always ask me and i like kind of we kind of got in that like pattern because he's like i want to do it the way you want me to do it and then i was like yeah that's my way is the only way and then finally i was like no you're fully capable you can make these you're the parent same like and so you can kind of fall into that pattern where it's like or if you're like hey that's not right the right way it's like i can be a back and forth that totally but like spirals agreed that's a burden for anyone besides myself to watch my my child oh yeah i've i think i've experienced some of that too um that i failed because my baby chose a bottle over me when i went back to work oh you didn't fail that is not true that i wasn't a good mom and i should give my daughter up for adoption major postpartum depression i was fine that was something that um right before i had cj a woman looked at me and she was like hey i just want you to know that you could potentially have really crazy thoughts postpartum and i just want you to know that they're not true and you're not crazy if that happens and you just need to tell someone about it she's and she started telling me some of the thoughts that she had that were like that plagued her when she was postpartum and they were just like really wild things but her being so vulnerable and honest with me really prepared me well and thankfully i didn't experience anything like that but if you don't have someone that tells you that that could happen postpartum with your hormones and everything a hundred percent those thoughts could like drive you to feeling guilty a hundred percent i mean even postpartum psychosis like there's some like it's not the norm but it's like good to know those things so you can be like okay because also it's an isolating time right you don't have a lot of people in your life at that time they're like hey by the way that's not right or you're not just like having girl chat a lot so it's hard to it's good to know it in advance because you're like it could easily spiral out of control on your own definitely um that my little infant no longer loved me because i started working so many work although this is my literal infant it's like they have no idea time like frame of reference for time they're asleep they're like little dogs at that point they have no idea uh freshly postpartum i cried if i didn't take a pic of my baby every day why i don't even know actually that unlocked something for me i so typey okay i guess apparently i never was the mom i was able to get like even during my pregnancies like weekly bump shots and then it carried in massively into monthly photos of my kids i know you got them of real life and i was like oh my god i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm so tired and i tried both times i was like this time i'm gonna do it and i have the pillow and everything the blanket never happened and i was so mad i do still carry guilt about that really yeah well i'll tell you something i took monthly bump shops with vivian and guess what i have nothing to do with them i don't know where to put them i don't think the bump shots matter as much i want the pictures of my kids but i'm like dang it i've been doing the pictures of i stopped at like two months doing it with like anything specific like i had to do it with my little plaque that had the month i stopped doing it because then that was too much pressure i was like oh if it's not on the right day i was like just around yeah look at me you guys i'm so flexible baby no it's that's a good thing to have it's so funny i remember um some of the months i would forget to take the bump picture so then the next one you're like let me just suck the bump in a little bit month six and then back to back they take months that's crazy i did weekly bump polaroids But I don't think I have weeks like 32. through 36 oh my gosh you did weekly that was a problem I shouldn't it was fun but I was like I shouldn't have done it because then I was just what I did is I had all the extra things so I had like a sign and then that that just gets overwhelming and I wore the same outfit rather than just being like take the picture right the picture right the picture it's hard hard to produce hard to produce this I feel that one of like not sending enough pictures to my family that's why I would take daily pictures is so that I could send them to my family and I stopped doing that and then felt guilty for not doing that oh that's a real one Addie that's real um being on my phone will give my baby brain cancer because emfs what was the emfs I don't know oh electromagnetic field yeah like wait radio waves isn't there so much in our house already we are so much where I have my phone next to my lap and I'm like not like yeah literally I put it here I put it in my bra sometimes I'm like nope gotta move it out of there baby can't put it can't get me over here give me emfs yeah no that's hard that's a hard one oh this one says that I was making my child sad for going on walks because he couldn't see me oh oh oh I think that's I didn't understand it now I understand new guilt unlocked yeah my kids will think I regret them because my husband and I went on a date night oh yeah my kids will think I regret them oh oh that's people people will tell you those type of things they will tell you those type of things they will tell you those type of things they do they will actually tell you those things the internet's crazy they're like you should never leave your baby in the first year and you're like that's 365 days sweetheart it's okay if I go on a date they're fine I need to make all food from scratch yeah I believed that for five seconds that's all I felt guilty but then CJ just continuously gagged on what I made him and I was like you know I don't feel guilty he wants the process he doesn't want this screen time equals therapy bill later not therapy oh I had so much screen time growing up I was I am in therapy I asked my yeah wait a minute baby got bit by a mosquito panicked searched reddit for three hours convinced I let my baby get zika virus husband found me sobbing in the closet don't go okay if you're worried about it reddit should be the last don't even don't go reddit don't reddit it dang it oh I'm glad your husband was able to intervene there me too thank you shopify for sponsoring this portion of today's episode when starting out a new business the to-do list keeps growing every day so if you're interested in learning more about how to use shopify please subscribe to the channel and hit the bell icon so you get notified every day with new tasks and it seems never-ending that's why it's important to find the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything for millions of businesses that tool is shopify I can attest to how simple shopify is I use shopify for five years with my own business and I mean every day there's new things that just make it easier to use better integrations they're always improving but they never make it more complex I loved using shopify and I recommended it to everybody we're also using shopify if you don't know what it is shopify is the commerce platform behind it and it's a platform that allows you to use shopify to build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style I was blown away by the options of templates they have really simple templates minimal any type of style that you want and then also they have free templates and the ones that you can customize and spend a little bit more money on I mean their options are endless you can tackle all these important tasks in one place from inventory to payments to analytics and more no need to save multiple websites or try to figure platforms is hosting the tool that you need. Everything is all in one place, making your life easier and your business operations smoother. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash Abby. That's shopify.com slash Abby. I can confirm that sound is beautiful. Kilt is crazy. Kilt is really crazy. It is crazy. And it's, we all have these stories of just taking us to dark thoughts, deep thoughts. And I feel like, do you feel like guilt and anxiety kind of go hand in hand? Are they the same thing? Because a lot of some of these, like anxiety is like diagnosable, you know? I'm like, I don't know if you could diagnose me with guilt. Like anxious thoughts from, or does anxiety cause guilt maybe more so? I don't know. So like John Deloney has described guilt as like, basically your body's, I'm not going to do this justice. And this is just how I'm regurgitating it. But like your body's like warning signal that you've like violated your own moral, like your own morals. Yeah. And so it's like, in that instance, it's not always bad, right? Like, so sometimes let me be, so I can tell you some of my mom guilt's where I'm like, okay, that is actually kind of a good little flag for me. Like if I'm on my phone a lot in front of my kids, it'll be like, guilty, guilty, guilty. They're seeing me like looking down at a screen. I'm like, Hey, that's actually a good flag for me. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to be on my phone a lot around the kids. So like, thank you guilt. That one I can, I'm going to, it's a good one. It's a good one. Like, I like, there's a time and a place for me to use my phone. Not saying I never use my phone around my kids, but especially if I'm just like doing something that's not necessary or texting someone, I'm like, okay, put it, put it down. Right. Or like things like that. But then there's other times where it's like, okay, this is going off. We can look at it and be like, is this something that I need to modify my life around and like leave this? Or is it like, Hey, I need someone to speak into this and be like, it's not, that's not on you. This isn't, this isn't, this isn't real. This is lying to you. It's kind of like feelings in a way. Right. Sure. I think. Okay. So for my personal experience, you kind of touched on this. The guilt came in so hot and heavy by the time I had my second kid. Yeah. So this is where I'm actually now worried down the line. Does it get worse with each child, each child? You can let us know by it, or maybe it's just like, okay, we've already, we've already cracked the multiples thing and it's like, now it's about the same. Sure. But, um, yeah, the multiples is where the mom guilt really came in. I mean, for so many reasons, the first time I remember feeling it, like, honestly, like in a way that like took my, I like, I was like crying was when like Griffin was about, I'm going to cry again. I'm not even that sad about it anymore. I've worked through it. Griffin's about to turn one. I'm putting him down to bed. Do you guys were at her house? Actually, you probably don't remember this. And I was about, I was one month old. I was like, I'm going to cry again. I'm going to cry again. I'm going to cry from having Augie. And I was like, I have just given up all my moments of just me and you. Like there was so much guilt associated with having my second kid, even though like Matt, I always say like lightheartedly together, like the best thing we've ever done for them is like, give them each other because they just play so well. They have so much fun together. But like in that moment, I literally was like, I just rushed this so much to the point where like Griffin got like no time with me. Then I had Augie and I'm like, Augie never got us alone with him. And that just made it like, I remember just being like, what do I, I never, I don't even know you as an individual because I'm always having you two together. And that created more guilt. And then I was like, I'm never playing with you guys separately. Like I would try to, but then someone else would need something. You're getting pulled in so many different ways as soon as you have more than one kid. Right. So that's where guilt started to really spiral for me personally. How do you feel? I mean, the minute Vivian was born and we went home, CJ got a hand foot mouth and that week was so sad to me. Like I remember I would cry a lot talking about this for a good period of time after it happened, because I just, I remember CJ's face so vividly when he was trying to come near me to like be close to mom and see his sister. And I was like, you can't touch me, buddy. Like you can't touch the baby. Cause I was so scared of getting sick and her getting sick. And just the look of deep hurt on his face. I had never seen that before. And I just felt so guilty. So, so, so guilty. I was like, this is horrible. Like he's so excited. It just wants to be sweet and tender. And here I am like shoving him away. So he's losing his mom at this like big transition. So that was the first time I remember I just sat on the couch and just sobbed and Caleb just rubbed my back and he was like, I'm sorry. This is so hard. And then I think for those first two months, I had so much guilt. I think this is when I talk about, my feeling humbled in the, those first seasons of going from one to two was that I just truly felt like I could not take care of both of them. And I felt so guilty. Like I was like, how can I not take care of my own kids by myself? I just carried so much guilt. Like I should be able to do this. I should be, you know what I mean? And that, those feelings were really like, oof, that was the first time I felt like gripped by guilt. And I felt that too. Seriously. I was like, I'm so inadequate. Like I'm supposed to, I'm supposed to meet their every single need independently. And that's, that's just not true. But it's just even saying that feels scary to even say, because there's just like so much dialogue around like moms being like the ultimate like superheroes. And I truly believe that moms make it happen. But I think there's like, there's, you know, there's, there's a good side to that where it's like, okay, this is confidence building that you were made for this role. You can do this. Like you will make it happen. You will show up for your, kids and you'll meet their needs but then this darker side of it where it's like okay well you're actually not perfect and so and so like there's times where it's like and also there's there's no need to do it like right all by yourself I think about that a lot I'm like oh how beautiful it is that my kids get to be loved by other people and not just from me like they get to feel the love and attention and being taken care of by their grandmas by their grandpas by his aunts and you know and it's just in his uncles it's like it's such a sweet beautiful thing to have other people come along side you and like love on your children and help take care of them too and so yeah that would almost be selfish to expect myself and like only want me to be the one that's fully caregiving to them they get so excited to see their grandparents their cousins their aunts and uncles like and so yeah that's a good point to make too because it's like there's there's a part of it where you're like okay well actually they want to they want these other people they want other people just It's like you want community and you want other friends and you want to get out and do things. Totally. And so like there's a level to that as well. I don't know if you read the other type of major mom guilt I feel and still struggle with, but I feel like I've made a lot of progress in is being a mom and also having work. Like having that responsibility. So there are so many sides to that guilt. It gets so layered. I'm actually, this is something that I talk about like in therapy sometimes because I'm just like it's been hard to navigate because I'm like how do I just, I feel like any time that I'm away from my kids like I want it to be like super justified. Like I feel like I have to go through all these hoops and jumps and like even then I have to just continue to remind myself like it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. And it would get super bad with work specifically because I think that I was lacking confidence in my work that was a result. I was resulting in like a confusion for my, so let me explain this. So I heard this from Sadie Robertson who heard it from Dr. Amon and it sticks with me because, and I've actually revisited this because I'm like this is a good reminder to continuously have. So like from working moms, he said, and I'm once again refer to them because they're going to say it so much more profoundly, but it was something along the lines of guilty moms create confused children. Yeah. What is that? Yeah. What does that mean? So like if I, when I'm like around the kid, like I'm like, oh, I'm like making all these, I'm just going to sneak away, like do this, like kind of multitasking, not being clear or confident about what I'm doing or like what I feel called to do in my life. Then they're just kind of like, my mom's leaving me. Why? She feels weird about it. So I feel weird about it. Oh, okay. Like it kind of creates and they're going to, they could explain this a lot better, but I feel like that for some reason that like triggered. It triggered something in me to learn to talk about my work differently, which then made me feel differently about my work and then made my kids feel differently about my work. So I think there's an age for this where like, or it's more appropriate. But like, I used to like literally be afraid to tell kids. They're like, well, why are we like, why is, they call my mom honey. They're like, why is honey coming over? I'm like, well, cause mommy has, like, I would be like, well, cause she's going to play with you. And like, they're going to, you're going to do really fun things and you're going to nap most of the time, but then you're going to wake up and you're going to play with her and she's going to be sad. And I was like, I'm like, okay. Like, and so then I'm like, well, now I'm like, mommy has to work. I said, do you know why we work? Do you know why, like why adults work and grownups work? And so we have a conversation of like, why we work, why it's important to work hard. And then like, I feel like I could expand upon this as I get older. It's like why I feel called to my specific work and like, kind of like build that out. It's also good for me to hear saying to my kids. And so now my, I have seen a change like in myself, but also, and like with my kids. So now they know that like mom works. And for some reason that them knowing that it felt like a secret before. And I think that's the thing too, about working from home that has that extra layer. Like you kind of feel like you can like, yeah, you can do both, right? You can sneak it. And so now they know that mom works and that I feel like also they see me in a way. It's like, oh, mom contributes to the household in this way. Not that you can't contribute to the household in other ways too, but like knowing that mom and dad are team in the house. And, like, in bringing in the money, like that, like funds our lifestyle. And we like talk about why we work and why it's good to have a good work ethic. And like having these conversations has really helped in turn so many other benefits, but in turn it helps with my own guilt. Sure. And that was just like a really wordy way of saying that. I'm like, hope that made sense. Yeah, it made a lot of sense. But now they tell me. And so we had a conversation. This is like my infamous story. I've told about my son a lot because I thought it was really funny. Because once I started making these changes, I think he started to think about, like, work, what people do for work a lot. We talk about it sometimes, like careers. And the other day he wanted something. This was a couple months back. And I was like, hey, you know, we've got to have a conversation about, like, things cost money and, like, we have to, you know, there's, it's not like there's an endless supply of everything. Because I would always tell them, like, if they broke a toy, I was like, no big deal, we'll get another one. And I was like, well, wait a minute. Like, there's not, that's not life. There's not an endless supply. There's not an infinite supply of everything for anyone at any time. So, of course, like, mistakes happen and we're not going to make you feel bad about them. But, like, I don't know that I needed to teach him that there's, like, an infinite supply of everything. We still need to take care of our things. Yeah, we still, there's a layer to that. And so then he told me one day in the car, like, a little while later, this was related to going to Disney World. And he was like, mom, I need a camera and a pewter. And I was like, why, buddy? Like, first of all, I couldn't figure out what he was saying. Because when he says camera, it sounds like grandma. I was like, grandma and a pewter. And I was like, what do you mean? And then in his head, that was work. He wanted to do, like, a camera and have a computer so he could work and get something that he wanted. And it was a really, Addy was, like, trying to book him for photos. Yeah, I was like, you have a little camera, right? Oh, if you take pictures of me, I'll give you $5. He goes, three. Oh, what a good negotiator. He gave you the family discount. Yeah, exactly. Friends and family. And I didn't bring it up because he forgot to bring his camera. So I was like, I'm not going to. His camera has been broken. It has since broken. And I'm actually sad about it because all of his little pictures on it. They're so cute. They're probably gone. That thing is broken. That's hard. Anyway, all that to say, it opened up a lot of, like, I have always told myself, I want to be honest when I talk to my kids about things. Like, when we talk about food, I'm like, oh, you can't have that food because it's a choking hazard. And then he literally took it, the bag of suckers, to the employee at the Dollar Tree. He's like, is this a choking hazard? And I was like, and I'm like, you can't have this because it has alcohol. You can't have this because it's a choking hazard. Because I've always, like, wanted to be honest. I was like, why was I tiptoeing around this subject so much? And it was because of my own guilt around doing something that I should not feel guilt for. But there is just, like, this whole thing. Totally. I'll let you. I feel like it makes a lot of sense hearing you say that because I think outside of moms or mothering or anything, any time that there's not clarity, it is confusing. Yeah. Like, if you think about dating, like, you want to have clear expectations and boundaries and marriage, you know? That makes a lot of sense hearing you talk about the confused children part. I think that was a part of the quote that I always was like, I guess, I just didn't understand. So that makes a lot of sense. And it resonates a lot. I feel like, for me, this area is something that I'm, before with CJ, I could always fit my work in. He took a really long, he would take a four-hour nap. Crazy. So crazy. That's a nice rest. He did that for, like, 18 months. So I would just work in his nap, you know? It was really, really easy. Well, now, obviously, he's getting older and now we have Vivian. And to the bat, the juggling, I couldn't. I couldn't just fit it in these nice little neat hours where he was away and I was alone and could focus and do these things and he wouldn't see it. Well, now, it's like, okay, we've talked a lot about this, having to put systems into place. And it's been way better now that I'm like, hey, it's Monday. So it's a workday for mom. Like, grandma's going to come over and play. And Wednesdays are my workdays. And if I don't say it confused, he is also not confused and he doesn't ask. Like, he'll be like, mom, are you working right now? And he's also, like, he's respectful of that time. Like, he's not, it's not like he's. He's at my leg begging me to play when I'm like, come on, buddy, just let me do this on my phone one second. Like, I'm so sorry I'm coming. It's like he has these clear boundaries, too, and knows what to expect. And I feel like that has been a real game changer in our house is just having the expectations. So you've helped a lot in, like, helping me navigate and figuring those things out. Because I think at first it is really hard to figure out what is going to work for you and what's not. And I had a lot of guilt around that of, like, I'm failing and I don't know how to set these. I don't know what's going to work and what's not going to work. And I don't know. It's all confusing. And it's hard. And I feel like a lot of it is trial and error, specifically in this area of work and schedules. But yeah, definitely guilt there. For what it's worth, at the beginning, guilt was making me, like, not ask for help because I was like, I'm just going to multitask this whole thing and I'm going to be 100% mom and 100% work. And that's going to, that's naturally going to work, of course. And then, no, of course it didn't work. Like, that made me guilty in a different way because then I was, like, on my phone or doing things when I was, like, okay, they're looking at me, like, why is she always on this device? They don't, they have no idea what I'm doing. I'm certainly not telling them that I'm working because that felt shameful. Like, and so having those, like, clear boundaries of, like, okay, one to five, Monday through Friday is mommy's work hours. You're still going to be with, like, someone, you're still in the same house as me, for heaven's sake. Like, you're literally still, you're, like, 10 feet from me. You come in a lot. Right, right. And so, like, they know that I'm here. But then. Yeah. Having those, like, boundaries and, like, those parts of my mind also just made, in turn, made my work so much better because then I was, like, okay, now this is go time. This gets 100% of me right now. And then as soon as it hits five, this, you guys will get 100% of me. And so it just created so much more confidence in both areas and counteracted guilt in both areas so much. And that was a process because I would tell you it probably took, like, 18 months of having two kids. So. Yeah. And I had already had a kid before that. So I was, like, I was just feeling confused all the time. So. Yeah. so much with work i mean we all go through it and ultimately it makes us stronger better more equipped and um more resilient women you know it's like we have to figure things out and we want to do what's best for our family and so like having to navigate how do we do this in a way that's going to set our kids up for success first and foremost like you know it's like we're gonna do what we can and in the end on the other side of it once we figure it out like you're saying we do all come out confident more clear and like it's you feel more loved like if i even felt this with caleb if he's working in the kitchen and i'm in there cooking i'm like hey don't work here because i want to talk to you and hang out with you yes but you're focused on work and like i want you to just go in the bedroom and close the door and be out of here yeah so that i'm not like oh he's not listening to me or whatever and it's the same way with her you know her family that's a really good parallel because i feel that way too i'm like okay well just just get out of here just get out of here and do it and then come back and then right give us your full attention yeah it's like really just what our family wants is our full attention i just implemented a new thing actually starting this week because obviously the work and the mom guilt side of it and having an almost eight month old so she's demanding more of my attention and she's a mom's girl like she just she loves her all the time and so i with and on the side of it of budget friendly situations too when you're working full-time and from home and not wanting to spend a bunch of money on sitters and nannying and daycare and all the things we are having a sitter come on tuesdays and thursdays during her wake window in the middle of the day so from 12 to 3 when she's awake and that's like the middle of my work day i was having to like do both and just the thought we actually have just had a different schedule this week but just the thought of knowing i'm gonna have someone to watch for all those days my sunday nights are so much nicer i'm not so anxious about coming to work on monday because of these things or it's scheduling time even just for the different things we do it's like okay they know i'm available these times to come do things in person like it just you working from one to five makes a clear expectation that if i text you before then i'm never expecting a response it's just clear expectations with your team which is like cool too if you're able to do that so especially with having a sitter during their nap time it just stinks you're like i don't need someone here and so having someone during the wake window has been really helpful yeah that's a good tip and hearing you say that it's like i think um we've talked about this but everyone thrives in routine and kids thrive in routine and obviously there's like flexibility within their routines right but also within traditions and so it's like okay we know i think that's like the positive parallel like the routine but okay we know tuesdays and thursdays mom can just jam pack what she needs to get done on those days and it can be really effective really efficient but then on the same time it's like your kids are like oh i'm gonna do this and i'm gonna do that and i'm gonna do that and i'm gonna do that kind of have the same expectation and then you can have i think we're trying to implement more tradition and it's like that's going to counteract some of the harder things that maybe they don't want to do it's like what they're really going to remember is pizza night and like the fun things and family dinners and you know every morning we'll go these days we go to the park whatever you know it's like those are the things they're going to remember not really more so that like mom had a babysitter for three hours during the day on tuesdays yeah no yeah seriously and some this guilt so we actually had in preparation for this episode had planned to like ask our own moms about mom guilt and their experience with it i actually made my mom cry really immediately and i knew it was gonna i knew what her guilt was she feels so much guilt about putting me she worked full-time with me like i think she had six weeks leave after having me and then same with my brother she had like over uh summer break so she had like a little more time but then i mean it was back to with us as like infants and so she has so much guilt about that still to this day and it's like i hate that she carries that and i just they call it like what is it the great american mom work dilemma crisis guilt crisis guilt train or whatever but basically like you work you feel guilty you don't work you feel guilty like there's just there's no way around it and like unfortunately like i'm like mom i didn't realize you still felt this way she was like yeah i still do it and i said what made it feel better she's like no i still feel so guilty and then i was she was saying but once i was in school then she like knew that i was like where other kids were i guess like even moms that stayed home like bringing their kids to school right and so um it was on the same you're on now on the same playing field with all the other kids right and then she chose to be a teacher because she'd have the same schedule as us when we were in school yeah so she was ultimately still making like a sacrificial decision like she made her career option based on one that would still revolve around like her children's lifestyle essentially because like she was actually even my third grade teacher in school i'm surprised they allowed that third grade man so sweet yeah no it was really sweet and i loved it and i feel like it would every kid would be different and probably would have been different if i was any older than third grade but like we loved it blake was in my mom's class i don't think it worked out as great probably not surely not he's more disruptive he took like a little bit more liberty liberty yeah that one yeah yeah he's like telling your mom no yeah he probably wasn't disruptive but he was probably like he was definitely probably calling her mom oh my god oh i called her mom everyone called her mom how'd that work with homework with your mom to help you i mean so great uh-huh i don't even remember i actually probably didn't really get homework i guess maybe fourth they give you homework but i don't think it's very serious serious i don't know she grades papers you do i love school i was like please let me just do it can i do extra credit yeah seriously i was like that kid that was that kid i actually was too in elementary i loved i loved it too it's so fun it was my culture so like she's still and i was like mom and then the other kind of guilt that my mom carried a lot which i did not realize was financial guilt like she was like i feel bad that we weren't able to like afford certain things for you and i was like mom i had no idea that you felt that way and i said i i literally wanted for nothing and guilt is one of those things where it's like i feel like i'm like as much as i tell her that i didn't like i didn't even realize that i was like i didn't even realize that i was like i realized what we were lacking or like that we were i didn't think about i didn't compare my situation or what we had to other people at all i feel like i could say that as much as i as often as i can and she still wouldn't it wouldn't that's the thing about guilt yeah you know it's like it's an internal thing that you can't that you have to resolve within yourself and that's so that's that's that's deep that's deep right there that's some deep stuff my mom's was actually i she gave some common one that most i think most people probably feel my mom said that she felt she feels guilty that she put so much pressure on us to like look perfect for holidays and get the you know she made such a big deal about like creating the perfect image around these like specifically she said holidays but some of these big life moment things which i think a lot of us can i think a lot of us experience that like when to get the perfect pictures that we have the perfect memory of the perfect day and that's like a pressure that we put on ourselves then it's easy to feel guilty if that happened and she feels bad that she act like that that she had those expectations and she's like i wish i would have just like chilled and just enjoyed those moments more um that's a good call out yeah that was like pay special attention to that yes and then the second one which this i thought was interesting she said seeing what you cook for your kids and like what you guys all make sometimes i feel guilty that i would just make you boiled noodles with parmesan cheese and it was the 90s and i was like mom that's really sweet but now she's like in retrospect having guilt oh you know like what i like it's comparison but i'm like mom i literally made frozen chicken nuggets for cj for like six months so it's not like we're doing any different you know yeah so and i'm like we still love parmesan cheese and noodles so i actually am grateful but yeah it's just like it never stops kind of is how we're talking yeah so i was really grateful that she shared i feel like we had it was kind of a rushed conversation i'm sure we'll talk more about after this um but yeah we just all experience it just in different ways yeah that's interesting the thought of it happening in retrospect yeah oh it'll never end it'll never end that is so interesting because our in-laws i i give them so much credit they're very like uh what's the word for it like reflective on their roles as a parent when their kids were young like always asking like what are things that we could have done better and that's a very they have so much humility asking questions like some of the most humble people that are met like i'm like that is something that i'm like i don't know if i will ever feel brave enough to like ask that question or like receive that feedback from my own children it's like i would that would make me quick to be like defensive i'd be like well wait a minute we did a lot for you mister like right you know and so i just like respect them asking that so much and they're like and trust me caleb and matt will both be honest they will change i'm so curious about that too because usually when you ask that type of a question it's because it's something that you're probably going to do again that you would like feedback on but it's like why do they need that feedback i don't know i don't know they just love feedback just love you yeah me yeah and they always receive it well they always receive it well i know i've learned a lot from from watching that within their family um i guess i don't want to leave this conversation on kind of like a negative note seriously we don't really have like a solution or well this is where i was going to kind of bring it back to guilt doesn't always have to be a bad thing right - Right. - Like sometimes I think guilt should be honored like for a moment of like, okay let's hold this for what it was i'm noticing that i'm starting to feel somebody's feelings arise around this and like actually sitting and reflecting on them in the moment and being like okay maybe even like invite another mom or your spouse or just depending on what what it is and just like letting someone like actually be like okay like like we said it is an internal dialogue but also like those thoughts can spiral until you like let someone else in on it and i'm guessing 90 of the time other mom will be like i've been there too i felt that too and then also just that aspect of like okay we're all carrying like similar burdens like are we all just terrible moms or is this just something that we're gonna have to carry with us and we also just need to just carry it lightly at times or sometimes it's like hey thanks for you know flagging that one i don't want to continue to do this with my next child or tomorrow even like i don't want to continue to do this type of thing or like yeah i think there's so many things where it's like okay hey i didn't react well to that i don't want to do that again and then also just like like using that as an opportunity to also have a conversation with your kids like hey you know what mommy's making mistakes too right i'm sorry about that i don't want to do that again right and so it doesn't always have to be a bad thing but then also just evaluate that and i feel like my biggest solution like through moving through gill is talking to people about it yeah i think that's the biggest thing and voicing it out like telling caleb my exact thoughts and exactly how i'm thinking i'm not sugarcoating them or dancing around them or making light of them if if they feel heavy and like talking to you i talk to you guys about them a lot and and getting feedback and i think being open to the feedback like sometimes it's like hey actually yeah like you've told me like hey you need to put systems in place with work and that was so helpful to hear and so just being receptive of the feedback and knowing that's like always for our you're good and your benefit and it's like yeah it's a good thing to reflect on it and it's like yeah it's a good thing to reflect on it and it's like yeah it's a good exactly what you're saying yeah and entrusted community too though because it's like sometimes i like i know who i need to go to if i just need someone to be like you're amazing yeah you are so special and beautiful and perfect then you need to make no changes and then also like okay i'm gonna go to this person because likely they're going to have something i could do differently they're gonna be good honesty and like they're gonna be good honesty and i need to hear i need to steal the hard truth you have got your like fun to your truth you're in your life truth and then your hard truth people yeah and then and then i'm like matt will always just be like you're awesome and i'm like yes come on thank you i need that sometimes like i feel like i go to matt a lot about body image things or like guilt i have related to like my looks which i'm like i don't even know that's necessarily guilt but like intrusive thoughts or like you know feelings things i'm starting to believe about myself yeah and then like mom things with other moms or work things with yeah other people that are in the same field so i'm such a passive person i always have to i always uh front caleb on i always warn him on the front i go i just want validation and then i just kind of dance around i'm like i just need you to validate me right now and then tell me i'm pretty and then i'll kind of dance around what i'm i'm like oh yeah today i just didn't my hair and he's like you're beautiful you know like i'm always trying to like sneakily say i feel like sometimes i try to manipulate him into saying what i want to hear oh you know what i mean but now i'm just like i need to be up i am up front i'm just like i just i need you to validate me i need you to validate me right now don't take a compliment he's like just take the compliment i'm like well gosh i don't believe you so what am i supposed to do about that like i'm just i just simply don't believe you i know you're lying to me right now which is not he never is i know that too when i like complain about my body or like different things he's like it's it makes him frustrated he's like it's not true stop like he's like stop saying that literally like but i'm like do you turns it into a male versus female crisis it's like you're beautiful try being a woman you don't you don't know what a life of living so yes like i'm just saying i guess if you hear anything from this is that like we're three moms we've we're with you we're with you we experience it too and um some of these things we can laugh about and someone's like okay some of it's serious some of it's funny and some of it it's just all relatable it's all relatable and this was a messy conversation about this was messy for sure but i'm glad we talked about it yeah i'm glad we talked about it thank you to needed for sponsoring this portion of today's episode pregnancy and postpartum are some of the most nutritionally demanding times in a woman's life and there are so many options for supplements that's why we want to thank needed for sponsoring this portion of today's episode needed offers products that are formulated by experts in women's health and recommended by over 6 000 practitioners their starter plan includes a prenatal multi made with bioavailable nutrient forms and omega-3 that is sustainably sourced i really appreciate the sustainably sourced part of it i feel like you never actually know what ingredients you're getting with the supplement and i really appreciate that needed is so transparent about where they find their ingredients and the fact that practitioners are recommending it 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from you any curious questions any serious questions any hey we'll accept comments feedback as well so you can call us at 602-456-9690 and we'll see you next week bye bye and we're gonna listen to two or three today hi abby abby and addy my name is brie i love love love the podcast you guys are such an inspiration to me um me and my boyfriend want to get engaged here in a couple months and so i would love to hear your guys's engagement stories and all of your emotions leading up to that and if you guys kind of knew when he was gonna propose love the podcast bye so we never get to talk about this this is fun you go first you go first well ours was very fairly simple so i guess as a kid i always thought that like when some guy like when the guy proposed that the girl was just caught off guard i used to think that too like they hadn't and then as an adult i was like oh no you got the ring together well i was kind of just like you don't want to be caught off guard by no right like that gosh that's that's pretty serious i want to be a part of that yeah and then it's just more of a romantic gesture that he's the one who does it you know what i mean yeah and so uh we had had so many conversations like that we had like sought mentors we had like had we got married really young so we had to have a lot of conversations with family and parents for like a year leading up to this point and then we even did like pre-engagement counseling which i mean that's pretty thorough i feel like read books like we had done all these things and so then matt had said he's like i don't want to be engaged very long he's like i only want to be engaged for six months and so i was like well i know we're not getting married at christmas time it was summer and so i was like i don't want to be engaged for six months and so i was like well not actually expecting it but i knew that we were going to get married i had known that for a long time at that point already and so then we i was visiting him in florida where he was there for the summer and we went to disney to celebrate his birthday because i actually love disney too and it was mostly for me and so then he the morning of we were like we got there right before the park opened and uh matt's like i want to take a picture and i was like we have to go straight to the rides because you don't know how these wait these wait times are going to get so long you don't know disney but i know disney we cannot be taking a picture we will do it later there's why do you want to take a picture like i was so confused and he's like no i really want to take a picture i really want to take a picture and so he literally finally gets a disney photographer that is just unassuming no one knows what's going on hands his phone that's already recording to a random disney park attendee and i put my arm around him and he is trembling oh he was shaking oh my god so much i'm like what in the world is wrong with him yeah and because once again he said he wanted he said so many times he wanted me engaged for six months then he gets down on one knee and i was i have no idea what he said he said that the night before he asked one of his buddies like what he should say because he was like trying to write it out and he's like dude just speak from the heart so then he's like said something and then i was like uh-huh uh-huh and then we he stood up and the video is so funny because i literally just hug him we don't kiss and then i said thank you i was so caught off guard yeah yeah i was genuinely like and no one believes me my mom was like no you knew i was like i didn't even know that he had brought this ring to florida yeah i didn't even know we had looked at rings right i didn't even know that we had this was the first one i tried on i don't even know if matt told us that he was proposing i don't know if my family knew like i think it was an influence i don't know if my family knew like i think it was an influence i mean they knew that we were gonna get engaged yeah he had i don't think they knew what was happening that day yeah so I'm like when my mom's like you knew I'm like did you like and so new then we were engaged for like literally over a year yeah and so I was like what in the world but it was so I like look back and it was like so sweet because the rest of the day we were just giddy like we just had so much fun at Disney like going on rides and I was just like beside myself like excited and then um we actually had no family or friends there and it was just really honestly special it was simple you know I feel like now I don't know like I'm sure if I got engaged at 27 it would look differently but that was perfect for getting engaged at 19 honestly like I was like this this is like the start of our life together so of course it's just it's special that it's just us together yeah and we'll have everyone at the wedding day and everyone at like you know all the receptions to follow but it was kind of fun that it was just us honestly I always thought that everyone would be there but the way that it just worked out with just us was really special yeah so intimate long-winded story in a memory of just I remember every detail of that because I was literally just like it's like so random I just remember him shaking he's like I was so nervous I was like we had only talked about getting married for like three years straight we'd only talked about you knew that I was going to say yes he's like yeah I knew you're gonna say yes I just was so I think the moment was so big you know like the thing that he was asking it was and the biggest surprise of your life you know so of course he was nervous that's sweet Caleb's was he did like a big gesture Caleb is kind of a big gesture romantic guy and um this was really fun it had been our six-year dating anniversary at this point Caleb had previously talked to my dad and asked if he could take my hand in marriage the formal way um and my dad had asked him to wait because my sister was getting married that September he said will you please wait to propose until after her wedding so that was in the summertime and Caleb waited so the really the week after my sister got married I know Caleb had another conversation with my parents about when this was going to happen and um it was October it was our six-year dating anniversary I thought he was going to pop the question at dinner I remember being so sad because he left the next day to go back to school and he didn't ask the question I remember telling him that night like I am so sad that we didn't get engaged this weekend well the next day I think he leaves for like to go back to school he was a senior I had already graduated and I had a bible study that night and that night we had decided to do a bonfire as a group instead of going to someone's house and so I get in the car with some of them we're carpooling they drive me to this park kind of near our homes and we pull up and I see this guy in a suit just sitting on a rock and I'm like that's really weird and I'm just looking at him and then I realized that it's one of Caleb's best friends that lives in Kansas City and his name is Charlie and I rolled on the window and I go Charlie why are you here? and then it hit me and I go Charlie why are you here? and I get out of the car they pull me up he's sitting there on this rock Charlie reads me a letter that he wrote to me about just like watching Caleb and I date and just how excited he is for us to get engaged and then I walk he like he gives me a flower and I like led through this path along this park and it's all of Caleb's groomsmen lined up and so it's like stop by stop and they all read me a letter that they wrote me and I'm like I'm gonna go to the park and I'm like I'm gonna go to the park and then at the end is Caleb on this stage in the park and it had lights and roses everywhere and it's dark at this point so like the sun had set and everyone's in suits and I'm in my pajamas not wearing a bra because I was the only one not informed of this party going down which is hilarious because all these pictures everyone's dressed so nice and then I'm literally in sweat pants and a sweatshirt and Caleb gets down on one knee and he asks and behind the stage is like a family and our friends and you guys were there which I'm so happy you were there Matt wrote a letter to you yeah yeah yeah it was Matt and Josh like and then um Caleb's grooms are like best man so it was everyone which was so sweet I'm sure I still have all those letters written I think they just read them to me off their phone but we have it recorded which is really fun and then we had a dinner party afterwards you know with everybody it was so special it was the most romantic thing ever that was fun yeah that's sweet Addy you want to share yours? Oh sure um let's see mine's kind of funny mine was on a Sunday let's backtrack a little bit actually I knew we were gonna get engaged I knew he had the ring this was he probably got the ring in June it was also the first one I tried on I'm like and it was one that I was like about the first one yeah I knew I had always wanted like this style of ring and I was trying to not go with one that was like cool at the time like I was like I'll just go with the one I've always wanted even though like maybe a different one was peeking through and I was like I don't know I don't know my interest so and I still love it but he got the ring in like June and then he didn't propose until the end of September because he wanted our I wanted our friends to be there and I think he knew that too and so we waited till everyone came back for school and then it was a Sunday I was at church I was like when the heck is he gonna do it also at this time type a person we've already booked our wedding venue oh you booked your venue before you were married? oh my gosh I love that I knew where I wanted to get married yeah and so it was already booked so I was like what the heck like we gotta get things moving so I can plan a wedding I was like I won't do anything else until I'm engaged and then Sunday at church I'm like checking his location I'm like where is he because he didn't go to the same service as me which is not normal and then the girls next to me afterwards were like we saw that you just kept checking his location luckily he was just at his house until after church I was like I don't know I don't know I don't know after church my girls we went and we took photos because we were taking roommate photos for the coop where we lived and then as we're walking back I text my friend Abby because in the morning I texted her and I had said I think I'm getting engaged today we're walking back to the car I said it's not happening because I thought it was gonna happen when we were taking photos with everyone like everyone would think no I get blindfolded and then get thrown in the car and they're like you were getting initiated to the coop. Which is actually a thing unfortunately it is a thing for this this home so I knew that had also needed to come because I hadn't been initiated into the home yet backstory Abby also lived at this home before me okay you hazers no I'm just kidding it is that's what it is so we I don't even know we went into a gas station I had to get some things in order and get food from a some restaurant and went up to the I had a date and I had to go to a restaurant and I had to go to a dance somewhere and then they were telling me we're like we're going home and I'm like we're really still I'm blindfolded but I'm like we are not that far from home surely and then we pull up and a mint goes in my mouth because they were feeding me random food and I was like oh okay and I'm like squeezing their hands and then Blake had set up uh at a park in Springfield a blanket it was under this like pergola or and he set up a blanket and like a picnic basket and he proposed and said some things I don't really remember all the things what I do remember is he said um Satan's gonna hate us like two or three times he was also shaking too so then we got engaged went back to the coop and everyone was there all of my friends the family was there um my sister had come from Dallas and we just had a fun engagement party afterwards sweet I've actually never heard that story yeah oh that's so fun it's it's always a fun one to look back because it was also when I got initiated so that was kind of funny the fact those are attached yeah I know they're like two birds one stone yeah exactly she'll never know that's so fun and it's fun that your friends are like all in on it you know it makes it so fun yes because I also was begging them I'm like guys you have to figure out when he's proposing because get him on it I can't remind him anymore that he needs to do this I can't remind him anymore hi friends I have been a long listener for five ever but we are friends I mean y'all are my best friends but I have four little girls one just turned 12 and we're about to start having the sex talk did your mom talk to you about sex did she not what would you want to do how should I do it how in depth should I go thanks for listening love you bye love you bye I love that no I never had a formal sex talk my mom just kind of took things as they came I remember asking I'll never forget sixth grade learning some things on the track and going to my mom and I remember she's in the bathroom in the toilet and I'm like talking to her through the door and I'm like mom what's asking her what like foreplay basically is and all these like deep things if you ask my mom she gave us a sex talk if you ask us we never had a sex talk so I don't know if I'm one to speak in on this I actually brought it up with my parents I was like you know you never did that right they're like yeah okay well here's my memory after dance one day we went to subway right my mom sat me down and she was like one day you're gonna bleed out of and I was like you're gonna bleed I was like you're kidding me because I just told Chloe that that's not true that that's just pee and I was really just like I can't eat my food And so something about that conversation made me not want to be a girl anymore. I was like, I don't want to do it. And then like, so I didn't, that was like the puberty talk. Cause we were about to do the talk in school. So she was like, I feel like I should probably prep her. So I wasn't just sitting in my little blue plastic chairs, like just around the corner. Like, and that still was traumatizing in a different way. The boys come back into class and they're like, what did they tell you about? I remember that. And we had like pads. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. My mom did give me a good period talk. Little did they know I was like five years down the line. They're like, girl, you don't need to worry right now. It's going to be a long time. You are not going to bloom for a while. No. So she, they did the puberty talk. Yeah, I had that. And then nothing beyond that. And, but public school did some things for me. I heard a lot of things that I was very confused about. Public school will teach you everything. They're like, if you lay naked with a boy. Right. And if you, no, if you fall asleep naked with a boy. Yeah. You will get pregnant. Right. I was like, oh my gosh. That's what I believe. Slept with my brother a couple of times. I really hope our clothes stayed on. I was like, there's so much confusion. Like, and so, you know, I've thought about this a lot. I think our parents probably know that, you know, they probably could have, you know, talked about it a little bit more. No big deal. It's fine. We figure things out. But with my own kids, I don't think I want to, I've heard the advice before of like, as they, as they ask, then they're ready. It's like, I actually kind of want to be the first to speak on some of these big topics. Yes. So I want to be a little proactive about these things. And I think it's equally important for raising girls and raising boys to be proactive in having those conversations. Yeah. So I'll probably do things a little bit differently, but that's okay. You know? Yeah. I figured it out. Right. Surely everything's fine. But, um, I read deeply. I have a vivid memory. I have a vivid memory of my friend in seventh grade. She got like a, like a thorough in-depth sex talk, like talking about how it all works. Okay. Like in-depth. And she came back and explained it to all of us at a sleepover. And I was like, what goes in where? Oh my gosh. Like being so freaked out. I literally just thought at that point, yeah, if you rolled around naked in bed, that's how babies were made. That's how I got to where I was. Because my friend's mom, I love how all the friends like get together. They're like, so what did your mom do? What do you know? Literally. What do you know? That's crazy. Your brother, like, it's like, that's dangerous. But like my friends, like her mom got the like American Girl doll book and they went away. They went to St. Louis for the weekend and had like a girl weekend. Cute. And I was like, that's a good idea. But I do honestly think it shouldn't be like a, the talk thing. Like the more I think about it, I'm like, it should probably be like a ongoing thing where we can continue to ask. I think that was like our parents' generation. They're like, you sit them down one time. Yeah. You get it done. You never bring it up again. Rip the bandaid. Rip the bandaid. And you never bring it up again. And then the kids are like traumatized. They're like one time. I'm never talking about this again. My mom's like, he is. And it was really scary. Totally. So maybe we'll just do an ongoing thing. Yeah. Maybe don't make it one time. But I honestly, you're more experienced. I mean, you have four kids. She's 12. Yeah, you know what to do. You know what to do. You know what she's interested in. And you know what? You asked about our personal experience and it was just very confusing for me. It was confusing. I don't think you can mess it up. I mean, I'm sure there are ways you probably could. You could probably mess it up. Sexuality's so vulnerable. It is. In like 10, you know. Yeah, I feel like you asking, there's already, like you want to do it the right way. So I'm sure you've already done so much research on it. And like some ideas of how you can approach it. I feel like the biggest thing is just being available for questions. My mom was really good. She was available for questions. True. And yeah. Did you get the sex talk, Addie? I don't think I did. I don't really. I feel like I already learned most of it from school. Yeah. And then you get the adverse effects of church, too. Yeah. Of the like, don't do that. Definitely don't do that. It's people at church and like the toxic purity culture time. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's better now. Yeah. Literally a girl. No, I remember this from church one time. It was like, here's Tupperware and here's fine China. That's just horrible. Which one do you want to eat up? Where's. I'm traumatized. I didn't even experience that. Tupperware, you know, you wash it, you use it again. It's like you set it aside. You don't use it all year. Wow. And is this a man? I'm not that type of person, but who's the one showing the Tupperware in China? I don't. I don't. No, it was a woman. Oh, gosh. I'm glad we've moved past that. I'm glad we've learned that that's not the right way to talk about this. I will say I am one of three girls. So I have two older sisters. That's true. So it's also a little different, but not relating to the sex, but relating to like the puberty and those changes. My parents had the Keeping Care of You book. That was such a good book. I think it passed down from each of us girls. It showed me how to put a tampon in. Yeah. It shows you how to take care of your breasts and when things change. And there's, it talks a little bit about like body safety and things like that. So I think that's where it kind of maybe goes in a little bit there, but it just talks about healthy and hygiene and those types of things. So that was a good book. I do remember. Same. I just got a really funny memory of the first time my mom took me to get a bra and we were into Shopko, which Matt brought to my attention that he doesn't know what Shopko is. I don't know what Shopko is either. I can't explain it to you guys. It's a budget store that we went to. Great. It was in my town. It was in my town. We didn't have a lot of shopping options, especially for a bra that was going to be about this big. So I put it on. I like had my Aeropostale like long fitted graphic tee and my dad felt my back and he's like, I hurt. And then I was like, I can't wait. Never wore it again. I think I wore tank tops from Justice as bras. Justice Camisoles. For a long time. Someone should have told us that that wasn't enough. Yeah. Under a t-shirt, I would wear that as a bra. I was like, this is my bra. It's built in. What a perk. My first bra. I said, mom, I think I'm ready for a training bra because I just want to be trained. And so she took me to Old Navy and I got like a cloth. It was just a cloth sports bra. Yeah. Those are like underwear. And I remember I went to school the next day and we wore uniforms. Our uniform shirts were white and I had a white bra underneath. And a girl felt my shoulder and goes, ooh, I know what you're wearing. And I go, shh. Don't tell anyone. They could. They could all see it through my polo. I didn't know you wore uniforms. And yeah, I went to Catholic school through fifth grade. That's funny. That was like the first time I wore mascara to school. And this girl said to me, she's like, you're wearing makeup. And I was like, no, I'm not. And then I like never wore it again. It's the first time I ever shaved my leg. I shaved back here because I was like, I got to try it out. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to shave my leg. So I shaved like the back of my thigh. Wow. My friend's mom told her that she wasn't supposed to shave from here up. Yeah. My mom told me that. I said, sorry, mom, I'm going to. Why is that? I don't know. Oh, because they didn't want you to shave down there? No, I think they just, my mom said the hair was different. It was wrong. She was misinformed. Misinformed. Just want her on the hairy thighs? Yeah. She's like, it's thinner hair. You can't see it. Which is, it is thinner. Just a clear line. It's still skinny. You can shave that. I mean, my thigh hair is not dark, but my leg hair is dark. I don't know. I love these girlhood things. Me too. I'm like, I can't wait to hear like Vivian Briel's thing. Oh my goodness. Like, what are the embarrassing things that we're going to do? They're going to have a chat like this one day. Yeah, they're like, my mom is so embarrassing. What is it with boys? Like, how is it going to be? They're going to come to you, Abby. You're going to be their Aunt Abby. They're going to come complain about us. What are you going to say to them? Gosh, I'll be like, of course to them, I'll be like, I got your back, girl. And then I'll be like, okay. Yeah, so anyway. This is what's actually going on. You need to get this. You need to intervene. I agree. Wait, he's so cute. Hey, girlies. This is Karlie. This is Karlie. This is Karlie. Hiya. I was just wondering if you guys were on Dancing with the Stars, who would your dream partner be, and what would your first song pick be? Love the podcast. Thanks. That's a fun question. What was the question, actually? Who's your dream partner on Dancing with the Stars? I'm looking at my song. What was the second half? What would your song be? Yeah, what would be your first song choice? Do the contestants get to choose? I think there's a night that they can choose a song. But did you choose a song? Usually there's like a memory attached, but I'm just going with the six. Addie, I feel like you have something on deck right now. Val, for sure. Why Val? I was going to say him, too. But then I was like, Mark kind of is really fun. He's an attractive guy, and I think he's good at dancing. Well, see, that's why I chose Mark, because I was like, I feel like I don't want that kind of. I, too. No offense to Mark, but. I don't know any of the partners. Who are all the male. I've actually never watched the show. We watched it together. You've never watched it? I've only watched one episode of you guys. I watched all the clips online. Okay. I can name you all of them, but I will just look up a list. You know, this show has been going on for literally years. I know, I know. I only watched this year with like Alex Earl, She Crushed, and some of the other girls. So we have Val, Mark, Brandon, do you know who these people are when I'm saying their first names? I would know the names, yeah. Brandon Armstrong, Ezra, Sosa, Pasha, Alan, Gleb, Sasha. Who has the most trophies? Derek Hough. Okay, give me Derek. That's a good choice. Give me Derek or give me Jeff. No, I'm just kidding. I'm going to be the winner. He has really good choreography. Is he still on the show? I thought he was a judge. He's a judge now. Okay, who is still on the show that has a lot of trophies? Probably Val. Mark Ballas is next to Derek, so it's Derek Hough. I already got Mark, so. Shoot. And then Mark. So Derek. I didn't know only one person could claim it at one time. Yeah, we're on the same season. Same season. So we had Derek at six, Mark at three, Val at three. he's mine you can't that's cheryl she that's a woman so you guys have mark and val the two best yeah well shoot i was a little slow okay i'll take who would i i would suggest for you i feel like ezra you would enjoy ezra give me ezra you would you would maybe derek will come back uh brandon is so funny though request what song would you guys choose okay oh what song you can't tell me that man wouldn't take the opportunity to jump back on the choreographs he's a great choreographer i would want a fun party one that like oh you know what i would do i like to move it moving griffin and augie would just be beside themselves amazing i would do celine dion my heart will go on oh that was a vibe i wasn't expecting i know it's just no i'm sorry not my heart will go on um you were history with the slamming of the door was that one called i can't remember what's that song called i'm not gonna keep singing it you and i had ever made oh it's a really fun one would be did it have to be fun no i want it to be fun because i'm like i don't want to do like a romantic oh yeah who sings that song celine dion my song is it's all coming back to me now that's the one yeah i would do that one i would do down by jay sean and lil wayne baby are you down down down specifically the rap section we could pick rap songs you can do whatever you want okay then meegos all of them that song gets me hype uh meegos stir fry specifically stir fry that's a crazy booty make the world crash that's not getting a mirror ball hey remember the one time we went dancing yeah it's great we went to the club no one else had no drinks i love this overnight at the club that's all i know it's the better way believe me okay i have an always always hungry recipe but it's not it's my own recipe and it's for overnight oats oh it's delicious i'm do here's my thing about overnight oats do you eat them cold i do yeah i like them like that you don't like that i had that same question listen you have to put a lot of sugar in it like not sugar but like sweet things see i like warm i love warm oatmeal too but i also love a good cold oatmeal and it's just nice making it the night before let's hear it okay you do a half cup oats listen i don't have a link that goes in the description so just write it down write it pause it pull out a pen and write this down okay get your post-it notes get your post-it notes we can a half cup rolled oats okay three-fourths cup almond milk or milk of choice one tablespoon chia seeds eyeball the amount of honey maybe a teaspoon to two teaspoons um some frozen blueberries stir it up oh a dash of cinnamon just a dash not too much not too little stir it up put the lid on it put it in your fridge overnight or two hours okay when you get it out you're gonna slice strawberries and then this is the most important part only this granola is acceptable it is the bare naked granola in the cashew or cashew and cacao flavor it's the best it's got the chocolate the cashews the crunch you got the blueberries and the strawberries and the the chia seeds and then give yourself like an hour after that so you have enough time to go to the bathroom because you will go to the bathroom after you eat this it's the chia seeds it's the chia seeds it's delicious wow that was so detailed i just realized i've never actually linked my sourdough pretzel bites and i made those for easter and i'm like the last episode we talked about it i talked about them and it wasn't my recipe and i made them and now i'm like i need to share the rest do you have any more do you know they also don't save my grandma was also against it she was like you should not be making these because it's going to spoil everyone's dinner and i was like i ate them and dinner i ate tons of them that's up to them that's up to them and then she started eating them and she was like whoa they're so good they're so good and you know what sourdough so gut healthy okay right um so that's it for always hungry what are we doing okay uh thank you so much those of you that have written reviews seriously it means so much if you could take a moment and share this video with your friends just a minute to just whatever platform you're listening to this on just tell them you like it basically heard it rate it five stars like it it's we me abby and addy really appreciate it we also have more people behind the scenes than you probably realize i also appreciate this feedback too and are looking at those as like markers of this podcast so thank you so much if you listen to it enjoy it just let us know yeah um one pressy says my favorite girls five stars i love you guys so much i love having a good group of girls to listen to when cleaning or just chilling i hope you guys do longer episodes i feel like there have never been long enough well i hope you liked last week's episode oh that's gonna end up as but we were going crazy we were going crazy so thank you gosh don't tell us because it's just okay we'll keep grabbing you want to blab we'll blab we will blab thank you guys so much if you want to leave a voicemail and potentially get on the pod um you guys can call the phone number 602-456-9690 that is such a fun fun fun aspect of our show we love it so much we're so grateful to you guys for calling in um do we have a book club announcement or anything is that next week we're reading a good time to say that yeah keep reading um just friends just friends i'm almost done with it yeah it's cute uh by hayley fam that is our april book and then we'll do like a little book club meeting on the podcast the last episode of april well that's all we got you guys thank you so much for listening and remember we're always here on any journey using uber it helps to know you're getting into the right car pin verification adds an extra step to make sure your ride is your ride before the trip begins your app gives you a unique pin just tell it to your driver and 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