105. Mike Finoia, Katherine Blanford, Dru Montana | Anxiety

Before we start today's show, you should know that me and Big J. Oakerson will be coming to a city near you. Next up for me, September 11th and 12th, I'll be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. September 17th and 18th, I'll be at Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine. Belmore, New York, coming up right after that on September 26th. And then after that, I got Rochester, New York, Vancouver, and Portland, Oregon. Lots more. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com, and see me on the Rattle Me This Tour. And you can go to bigjcomedy.com for all of my dates. This weekend, I have Levittown, New York, Governors, coming up shortly after that. Royal Oak, Michigan, the Comedy Castle, Albany, New York, Funny Bone, Virginia Beach, Funny Bone. You're catching the rhythm here. Timonium, Maryland, for Magoobies. Get tickets right now, bigjcomedy.com, the greatest yet for a live tour happening. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars. Make some noise for the Story Warriors, Big J. Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez. Yes! What is up, New York Comedy Club? Make some fucking noise in here for me, would you please? Sold out. Another sold out show. Lots of good looking people. This is the big thing. The big difference between Legion of Skanks and Story Wars is the Story Wars fans are hot. Look at these gorgeous fucking people. You go to Legion of Skanks show, it's a bunch of fucking trolls. Yeah, it's a bunch of fucking human puds. It makes me sick. We always ask this to start off the show. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Boo. The front row too, you piece of shit. How dare he? Very greedy. If it's your first time here, it's your first time listening at home, we'll explain the game once we get our amazing panel up here on the stage. Our first contestant tonight, with a record of one and two over here at Story Wars, you know him from the Do-Rag-and-the-Deer tag, Digital Bazooka podcast, and he has the highest regulation Story Wars score of all time at 26 points. It's the great Drew Montana! Drew Montana! Drew, happy to have you back. I know that you've done a lot of studying of the Story Warriors. How do you feel about tonight's game? I'm excited, man. I'm one and two. This could change my life, you know what I mean? If I'm two and two, that's good. I'm back on track. If I'm one and three, I got to get into coaching or something. I might retire. Yeah, when you hear about a one and three record of the UFC, you're like, yeah, that guy's about to die. Yeah, that guy's about to die. Yeah, it stinks. Two and two, I'm on my way to a title. Dude, that's a great point. Our second competitor, also a Story Warrior with a record of 1-0 from the Coastal Idiots podcast and a brand new special called Catholic Cowgirl. On tour right now, clap it up for Catherine Blanford. This is how I. I was supposed to dress like the escort in a self-tape. That's why I'm dressed like a business skank. She said to me, she was like, I'm under this hoodie, I'm dressed like a real slut today. I thought her tits were going to be out. I thought it was going to be hard nipples. No, no, no. You're dressed like a fucking librarian. What are you talking about? This is as out as they can go. And this is a little help from Target. Also, Louis, did your librarians wear leather pants and midriff shirts? Yes, dude. What fucking lie were you doing? Louis, you got to bring more money for the Scholastic. Fire! Librarian in leather pants. And finally, our third contestant. On the Utility Infielder Tour, currently the weekly host on the Grateful Dead XXSXM channel, make some noise for the hilarious Mike Fanoia. This is the whitest panel we've ever done. We got every type of white. We got a fucking. We got a wigger. We got a slut. We got a fucking pothead. It's great. Great for dead guy. This is eight mile. Perfect. Thanksgiving dinner. If it is your first time listening at home or your first time here, it's a very easy game, Story Warriors. All five of us on this panel, including Louis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Louis? Anxiety. Ooh. Ooh. They never care. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to tell us a little bit about you. I'm just going to take eight of those stories at random and read them off one at a time. They will appear here right on this screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, that's a huge moment, guys. Don't squander that opportunity. Once you lock your answer in on the tablet, and you've got to lock it in by sliding your finger over and put your tablet right here, it cannot be changed. That is your final answer. And I'm going to tell you right now, this is so much fun. We're going to have so much fucking fun tonight. Sir, sir who's never seen the show in the front row, you're going to have so much fun. But you know what? We're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know we're playing for today. Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library. Tonight's winner takes home Dare, the new way to end anxiety and stop panic attacks by Barry McDonough. Dare asks, have you ever felt anxious? I know I have. Most people with anxiety are quickly advised to get over it or medicate their problems away. Stop being a pussy. But Irish author Barry McDonough has created the perfect guide for anyone to overcome anxiety, manage stress, and get back to living life. Wow. Have you ever done a book review? Has anyone ever actually read it? We read every one of our books. Oh. They're from our library. It's from our library. Obviously, we read them all, Catherine. Adoy. Also, I don't want an Irish person telling me how to deal with my stress. That accent's going to make me more stressed out. We need Soder to do the accent. No, you can do an Irish accent. It's going to turn to African. I don't know how. It's about my, I can't sustain. It's all going to turn British or something. But you can do the beginning part like, ooh. My Irish. It turns into Shrek immediately. Every time, it's just Shrek. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. Go ahead. Do it again. What'd you say? Don't you dare. What? What the fuck was that now? It's like a little Sean Connery-ish, I guess. Yeah. You just got to do a little bit of ketamine if you're feeling the anxiety. Oh, fuck. That sucked shit, too. Yeah, it was terrible. We're all bad at Irish accent. Oh, you got a little bit of anxiety, do you? Not bad. I said, let's stop. Stop this. We're just all saying the same sentence in five stupid ways. Oh, I forget the sentence I did. Yeah, you just become a serial killer. Oh, you should read my book, Dare. A New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks. Oh, you're right in the book I am. You know, Gus, we got there. Man, our accent work fucking rules, and I think the crowd agrees. Are you motherfuckers ready for war? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, New York Comedy Club's sold-out show, seven months in a row, Are You Ready for War? Then without any further ado, Alexandra, hit us with story number one. Story number one. When I was eight years old, I got locked in an airplane bathroom because I didn't know how to work the door. I was afraid I was going to get hit. I was afraid I was going to get sucked down the toilet and ended up having my first panic attack. I think it's my, because I'm looking at Drew going, your family didn't have airplane money. No. That's kind of the decision I'm making here, too. I'm going, who the fuck, Lewis wasn't on airplanes at eight years old. I didn't fly for the first time until I was 19 years old. Yeah, same. 19 years old, and by then, I couldn't fit down the toilet anymore, so it wasn't a problem. I appreciate you thinking. I come from plane money, but I definitely don't. That's why I think it's you. Yeah, this could be Blanford. No, but I'm not eight years old. No, I was cute at eight. You're not eight years old? They're not. I'm not eight. I was cute at eight. Yeah, I'm not. It just can't be me. I'm not eight. Only ugly people know how to work the door. Jay, I'm 26 years old. How could I possibly be in this story? It can't be this big. It can't be me. There wasn't bathrooms when I was younger. Jay, I'm at least three times that age. You idiot. Yeah, Jay, when's the first time you flew? I was young. Yeah, because you had to go stay with other family. Yes, that's what it was. My mom was a single mom, so she would fucking ship me off to whoever would take me for a little bit so she could go get gang banged in the Bahamas, I think, was her destination. Yeah, it was like a community service flight. He wanted to get sucked down the toilet. Yeah. Because his mom was. I did live in this kind of fear. I was a very anxious kid. I will say, I'm 32 years old, and I still don't know how to. Yeah. to work an airplane bathroom door. Every time I go in there, I go, fuck. stuck in here. Oh yeah, dude. I sometimes just go in and I hold my hand on it and I was like, alright. Sometimes I pee in the dark because I didn't lock the door right or something. Sometimes the door's attached to the light. I always have to think about it. I go, what does vacant even mean? Yeah, really. You know what I don't like living in a toilet is that if I go in there and take a piss, I definitely always wipe off somebody else's piss off the seat so people don't think it was my fucking piss. Yeah, 100%. I do that too. I end up throwing towels on the ground and cleaning up people's piss on the floor. You ever put your little like your legs on the very top of it thinking like that's the less like Do you think we sit down? Yeah, we pee standing up. Yo, it's Catherine. Yeah. She still doesn't know how toilets work. When you guys go poo-poo do you just go all the way on the seat though? What do you mean? You sit down when you go poo-poo? Oh yeah, I said I don't do the toilet around the thing. I don't do the toilet paper around it. I just go, you know what? I'm gonna get whatever this toilet seat gives me. It's too much energy. Oh no, I agree with that. If I'm gonna do it, if we're like it's there, it's got if, where I gotta be at in my head and physically that I'm shitting in a public bathroom I'm like, no I'm just going for, I'm gonna roll a dog in for sure. No, see, I'll, I hold my public shits until it's blowing out of me standing up or sitting down. That's you, dude. So then I'm just like That's you. That doesn't have anything to do with being eaten. You're afraid of toilets because you're gonna get sucked down. Yeah. That was a trick question. I'm gonna casually ask about your public poo-poos and whoever has a lot of anxiety around it. Being scared of being sucked down the toilet is a chick thing. Yeah, I was too big for that. Yeah. I'd be worried about getting stuck in the toilet. Being the only thing stopping us from crashing or something. Like, I have to stay. When did you fly first? How old were you? Actually, the first time I flew was no, to I was to London to work the London Olympics in college. It's you. Yeah. That's true. I'm not, I was really cute. That's what I was gonna say. My parents didn't let me go into bathrooms alone. I would say that is the thing. An eight-year-old girl, would you send her alone into the bathroom? On an airplane? What are they gonna do? Steal her and bring her to the other row? No. You're gonna get molested by a guy you've been sitting across from the whole day? Yeah, the bathrooms are in the back by row 38. Those people molest kids. When we get off of it. That's where you're sitting. It's insane, dude. I'd molest a kid too if my seat didn't go back an inch. I've got to fuck a kid right now. This is crazy. My back hurts. People in Zone 7 are registered sex offenders. If you wonder why you're in Zone 7 it's because you're a registered sex offender. So you think that ugly kids just get sent to the bathroom alone? Yeah, they go, you're alright. You go, no, I'm cute. Yeah, get in there. We can't afford braces. Get in there. Wow. I will say I grew up a lot different than me. This could be Mikey. This could be Mikey. I didn't, I was poor. I didn't fucking go anywhere. You're really fighting it a lot. Yeah, but listen. Mike, when's the first time you flew? That's good acting, man. That was good fucking acting. I can't believe you don't have a career six years old. Where'd you grow up? Six or seven? Where'd you grow up? Six, seven? Where'd I grow up? That's a real eight-year-old thing to do right then. I'm gonna vote first and I'm gonna give a weird thing at all this. Drew Montana is a fantastic liar. He has done, he's gotten me several times with the same kind of thing. He just, him and Naeem, his partner on Do Rag and the Deer Tag, both are good at just going. Great podcast. Great podcast. They always have a thing of being able to very flatly go, I would never, this is stupid, I didn't do it. I just, we all get off it quick. We kind of accept it. Well, Naeem's black so he's like, he's like, man, it's gay to go to the bathroom. I ain't going to no fucking bathroom. Naeem's also Muslim so he wasn't allowed on planes for a long time. It's true. It's true. That last name. He's also not locking the door. I'm gonna, so after everything, Catherine and Mike were my first two options. I'm gonna go with Drew Montana. So I used to, when I played this game, I would read the story along with everyone else when it popped up up. Now I'm looking at people's eyes when the story's going on. I'm trying to see who's not engaged. And immediately when the story popped up, I saw Catherine look at the ceiling and then look back down. Oh, you don't know me. That's correct. We did just meet, but I think it's either Catherine or Mike. She's autistic, dude. Yeah. Yeah, there's lights over here. That's a tick. I'm looking at all these couples that look alike. Yeah, every couple minutes. Yo, they do kind of all look alike. Those two, sorry. These two. I have no fucking clue whose story this is. I've never been less. I kind of thought, Jay, for a minute, because you have anxiety, but your anxiety started later on. No, no. I had it very bad when I was a kid. I just didn't realize what it was. I thought I was just a bitch. And I blamed it a lot on just having my dad left. So I was like, wow, these women are making me a bitch. But I was, yeah, I behaved like a bitch a lot. Mike, is this you? But Catherine's theory, you were a cute kid, Jay, so no one would have sent you to the bathroom alone. Oh, no, absolutely. Because if you walked by me on a plane, I would have fucking goosed you. I have. Jay was a chubby kid. I'm like, do you want some candy? I know you do. Yeah. Come on, young man. We all know you do. You probably didn't even notice it happened. Just make a trail of nuts right to your nuts. My mom loves me very much, but she had me when she was 19, so if I was just gone, she'd be like Kay Stantney. She'd be at a club that night. Also, anxiety. Get out of your seat. Anxiety attack at 8 years old is girl stuff, if I'm being honest. But I think boys don't find out about anxiety until we're in our 30s, you know what I mean? I was Jewish. Jewish kids find that out better pretty young. A Jewish boy is a 30-year-old girl. Drew, where'd you go the first time you flew, and how old were you? I was 18 or 19, and I flew to San Diego to see a friend. I had a friend from high school that moved out to San Diego to grow weed immediately after high school, and I was like, yeah, it's going to be the life. I'm going to fly out there and see him, and. It turns out he was just gay. You sucked his dick. What happened? I was supposed to buy weed. I'm not part of a company. References. I'm going my first NSYNC. Catherine Blanford is my vote right now. I think I'm going Big J. I think he, like. Oh, it's Catherine. Yeah, for sure. Big J's a crazy response. You have to slide it across, Catherine. Actually, it's not a crazy response. It's not. This could have been me. You have to go slide to lock. No, so you're doing the thing where you're agreeing with it, which I think is a. It's a play. Yeah. Are you going to be this the whole show? Did you guys know they had tablet money now? Yeah. We work with tablets now. No more dry erase. Yeah. Alright, Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number one. Story number one belongs to Mike Fanoia. Suck a dick! Suck a big, fat dick. I was adorable. I was adorable when I was a kid. Yeah. And vacant, non-vacant. Vacant, non-vacant. Freaked me out. My grandparents brought me to Disney. My grandfather was hammered before the plane fucking took off. I'm like, I gotta pee. He's like, go. It's over there. And I went in there, took a leak, and I, vacant, non-vacant. I didn't know how to work it. And I'm banging on the door and no one's answering. And I'm just alone in this fucking bathroom and I'm like, the toilet's like, behind me. And I'm like, I'm going to get sucked out of this thing. So I'm banging on the fucking door. Oh, I'm an Irish toilet. I'm from Ireland. Oh, rat-a-tat-ee, give me your poops and your butthole. So the flight attendants and my grandfather with a Bloody Mary laughing was like, slide it to non-vacant. And I kept sliding it, sliding it, sliding it, and I couldn't do it. I thought I was in there forever. Jesus Christ. And, uh, yeah, I, I, uh, then we ended up in Disney and everything was great. Do you, uh, do you go into public bathrooms now? Well, I'm too cute. That's true. Jay walks me there. Yeah, yeah. Uh, Mike Finoy cleans up in round one. Alex, where are our points at? Alright. In first place with four points, Mike Finoy, uh, I thought you had me. I thought you had me. Alex, story number two. Story number two. I was prescribed anxiety medicine after a doctor strapped wires to my head and made me watch old movies. What? Alex from A Clockwork Orange? What the fuck? My dad was your doctor? Watch movies with wires. Again, I'm going, your family didn't have doctor money. No. Also, I'm. Yeah, but this is what a not doctor doctor does. This is a mad scientist's work. I'm 32. He lives upstairs. They weren't electrocuting people when I was going to the doctor, man. That's crazy. Yeah, y'all are like, send him to my uncle. Yeah. They're like, Drew can't sleep. Send him upstairs to Dr. Frank. Yeah. Yeah, what are they trying to find out? Like, he's reacting to Citizen Kane. Those were wires. They just wrapped a lamp around your neck. Yeah. I can't wait to find out it is you, and you're like, what's it all moving? And you're like, Shrek. Oh, yeah. Oh, exactly. Yeah. It was so scary. Oh, the original point break. Yeah. I mean, look, I've never been prescribed anxiety medication, so it's not me, obviously. I did when I was in my mid-thirties. Yeah, Jay was prescribed anxiety medication. You would have known about the story where they fucking clockwork orange me at a place. How did they find out you had anxiety? My third or fourth trip to the emergency room for a heart attack I wasn't having. The mall was like, you can't take a nap on the ground anymore? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mall security said you can't - Anxiety attacks feel like you're having heart attack anxiety attacks are terrible wait you so chubby though they're like you could be having a heart attack i've lost a lot of weight actually i've had a million anxiety attacks and they're horrible lewis they're like your brain shuts off it zaps you feel like you're gonna pass out you can't breathe sounds like an awesome time actually yeah sounds like drugs are you bald what the fuck yeah sounds like something early onset wires would do oh you think you got zapped that's true you do have the perfect head to put fuck yeah you know weren't you cute you were cute once right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah sounds like some fucking if you have hair it's very hard to strap wires to a head that's a great point yeah yeah yeah but i've i've had hair my whole life but i it's the old have you it's not new now this is purchased but um i didn't grow up around culture so we didn't have a lot of old movies you know we weren't doing that you only had that's a weird answer dude everyone had a lot of old movies that's a weird answer dude everyone had a lot of old movies that's a weird that's a weird answer dude everyone had a lot of old movies that's a weird answer dude everyone had a lot of old movies that's a weird answer dude everyone had a lot of old movies that's a weird it wasn't adults being like watch this learn something this is a doctor's like in a room putting wires on your head and making you watch old movies yeah we're gonna find out that katherine fucking was uh girl interrupting herself yeah she's like shaving her head in the mirror she was committed this does sound like girl who cuts a little yeah we've katherine used to be a real fucking problem i would know i was too uh i too cute no i couldn't even commit i tried to be bulimic but i tried to be bulimia but being like i'll let it digest a little bit so i won't have to throw up so much but so i was just digesting it so i tried mental illness but i was like i'll bait it you just threw up too late you absorbed all the fat and sugars and then just threw up bile later is that gird yeah yeah so this is a little bit too of a commitment for me you know what i'm saying it seems archaic i've never heard about doctors strapping like trying to get what's happening to you while you're watching something it sounds like a movie i don't know i don't really know a bunch about you did you grow up with money because you seem like you grew up with money yeah really i think it seemed like the girl next door to some fucking hayseed who fucked you when you were 15 yeah yeah yeah no she seems like she's a girl next door to probably a dentist or a doctor she's the fucking no dude i grew up on a cul-de-sac no cul-de-sac yeah no she used to mutton bust at the rodeo i did i did but we had cousins that did that and i always felt so bad for those little lambs thank you drew you know what i'm trying to figure out if this is going to be her every single story or if this is just her not we think it's her everything yeah are you smelling your armpits she asked me when she got up here she was like do i smell hold on you're being pretty chill about all this shit i said no what about the doctor thing are you smelling where'd you go i went with katherine yeah i believe this is katherine let me see your eyes they twitch a little bit even when they're still well that's what that's that's called that's called the wicker twitch yeah this this this smell max of katherine yeah yeah i'm going katherine being prescribed medication good doctor i do feel like it could be one of you but you this story would have come up before it could be it could be jay he's the only one with anxiety yeah i don't know when i grew up in an asylum in 1927 you're the oldest one here i was here i shared a room with a real pinhead they use they try to use cocaine to cure him katherine threw a dart at anybody bring it on it's obviously katherine there's no way alex if it's for no way again i'll kill myself right now on this could be oh you could do repeats it could be repeats it could be mike there's a lot of weird doctor shit oh no i do you did have grandparents that took you to disney you're right in my face this looks like an old timey can i get a cubicle alex all of our answers are in story number two belongs to drew montana you motherfuckers yay uh well we're gonna get to hear what those old movies were the lost boys three ten to yuma and finding nemo those aren't old movies the remake of three ten to yuma just because the movie's about an old thing wait i was in fifth grade when that came out yeah were they trying to see if you would cry finding nemo no they were trying to see my mom thought i had adhd and she thought that uh i i needed fucking adderall or whatever and the test for it i did go to like uh the doctor was just a farmhouse and it was upstairs in it and there's some old fucking white guy who was like i'll figure this out for you your mom took you to a fucking exorcist a sod mechanic he's turned it on i'll figure it out he strapped a bunch of wires to my head and then put me in this like fucking dusty ass room and then he put on 310 to yuma and he was like i think the point of the wires was like any time i focused on something else the movie would pause and then uh but i was like i got fucking wires strapped to my head i can't focus anything yeah i was like am i gonna get electrocuted what is wires doing yeah and then the movie wouldn't start and then uh because you're going like this yeah i was panicking i had fucking wires on my head and then the vcr exploded they're like yeah he's got adhd he was like it's the movie you're not into the movie i got a different one for you and he put on finding nemo and uh he thought it was the movie wiggers love finding nemo yeah yeah yeah and he was right and uh dude well it's about a kid trying to find his dad that's the baby boy of the wigger community but no then then they like quickly realized they were like it's not add or whatever you have uh they said i had anxiety and they gave me colonopens and i was in uh i think like sixth grade on colonopin for a little bit oh a more industrious boy would have sold those yeah oh and then brother that's where they took me off of them yeah he just sat and watched 310 to yuma five times over you just sat and watched 310 to yuma five times over my mom went this is a scam you're just getting high and selling these things we're gonna stop this and you go mom shut up want to watch 310 to yuma it's really good it's actually really good maybe go back to dr lampshade apparently it was the most my brain activity ever fucking fired off 310 to yuma got me and finding nemo dude it was a full wired helmet it was crazy i have no idea if that's uh even that's how you go for doctors to do did he wear like a lab coat you know and watch you from a window he was dressed like a farmer he had like overalls on and it was kind of crazy my mom brought me there at all all right hence do rag in the deer tag now we understand it's the origin story of the podcast alex where are our points at all right after two rounds in last place with zero points lewis j gomez and big j okerson in third place with two points katherine blanford in second place with three points drew montana and in first place with four points mike finoya oh boy all right story warriors let's take a quick moment and thank ultra for supporting the show uh this is a a great amazing product uh you guys probably see people putting pouches in their lips all the time with nicotine and caffeine and all these other things you don't really want in your body this is a pouch that is trusted by top athletes engineers entrepreneurs and podcasters and they're called ultra pouches and they're truly amazing uh they have nootropics that are in the pouches right nicotine free caffeine free um vitamins and nootropics that are actually in the pouch uh it's got uh alpha gpc 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Say it's prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Sildenafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Vietris Specialty, LLC. HIMS is not affiliated or endorsed by Vietris. Hey, Story Warriors, let's take a second and thank one of our awesome sponsors, and that is Factor Meals. Man, have I been effing with Factor for a long time. Eating healthy is very important, even when you're busy, and we are busy. With Factor, you never have to choose between real food and convenience. They're designed by dieticians, crafted by a real chef, and they're ready in two minutes. No planning, no cooking, and all delicious. I think, I mean, I've had so many varieties. That's what's really awesome about Factor Meals, because you don't want to keep eating the same thing. That's why I don't like meal prep. I don't want to eat the same meal four days in a row. It's why I don't take actual prep. It's because I can't just deal with the same. You like living life on the edge, man. Everything has to be a new experience. I get it this time. Every day has to feel like I just woke up. And it's a new. Listen, whether you're a bug chaser like Louis or just somebody who's always on the run, you can have amazing meals like homestyle chicken and gravy, garlic cream, steelhead trout. I mean, these aren't just like TV dinners. They're amazing. Pumpkin-flavored cheesecake for dessert. I wouldn't even care if I had AIDS if I had access to pumpkin-flavored cheesecake. It wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter at all. And you could also start your day now with their new protein shakes. Let's eat real. Head to factormeals.com slash wars50off. W-A-R-Z-5-0-OFF. O-F-F. And then use the code wars50off. Same thing to get 50% off and one free breakfast item per box for a year. Now, I'd say it's really frustrating to have to go through all that. But they're giving you 50% off, which is absolutely an amazing deal because this is the real deal. This is, to me at least, the best food delivery service I've ever used. And I've used plenty. They're absolutely amazing. This is only while supplies. This is only when supplies last until October 31st, 2026. One more time. That's code wars50off at factormeals.com. wars50off at factormeals.com. All right. Let's get back into it. All right, Alex. Story number three. Here's the comeback. Comeback's always better than setback. Story number three. One time I was locked out of my apartment with my pet inside. My roommate was on vacation and we hadn't paid rent in months. So I couldn't call the doctor. So I couldn't call the landlord. I had no money for a locksmith. So I made a life-changing decision. What's the fucking decision? Where's the rest of the story? Now I have anxiety. Alex, continue. This. It was the life-changing decision to let your pet die? What the fuck, dude? This seems like a Lewis, erratic, crazy. Your life-changing decision was like, what? I fucking kicked the entire fucking door off. My pet was in there. My roommate's off. I mean, what's funny is I do have a very similar story to this. Yes, this one. No, me and Dave Smith lived together and I locked myself out of the apartment. Sport was inside, but I called the locksmith and that was like a two-year fight between me and Dave. Like, we actually had a falling out. That was in Dave's apartment. That was in Dave's apartment, yeah. He wasn't really your roommate. You were crashing on his couch for a minute. No, I paid. Fuck him. Did you pay? I paid. You made it seem like you were a total fucking. Climbing off him, dude. But you remember the story. I do, but you did tell him. You said if he hits it big, you said you would build his roads he needs for him. You said that. You were like, I'll build your roads. This story is completely wigger-coded. I mean, Drew, this is, I mean, we haven't had a two in a row in a while. Yeah, I will say I've had roommates my entire adult life and I have had pets and I haven't had money. So this could be me, but Jay, have you had roommates? Yeah, not many. He didn't have pets until later on. Jay never had pets. Never had pets until, yeah, I had a pet for like five seconds when I had no roommate. Did I have a roommate there? No, no roommate there. And now with no roommate, so no. Okay, but Jay, you have gone through a divorce. I could see you calling that woman a roommate. I was cheating on my roommate and she took half my money. Oh, yeah. She was on vacation. And your pet was your daughter. I have a current girlfriend I call my roommate. Yeah. Yeah. And okay, here I'm going, couldn't call a landlord. You have to live in a city with squattered rights because in some cities, if you don't pay even one month, they kick you the F out. So it's got to be big city. Here's what Louis could do. That's a good point. Now, Louis is going to be bummed because it might be him. So he's going to throw more people on to his scent here. But Louis will tell you I've never, this isn't me. This doesn't seem like Jay to me. I don't have a pet inside. No, it's not. Jay, since I've known Jay, his wife was at least paying the rent on time. Yeah. That's not true. I always contributed. And then eventually took it all on mostly myself. Jay's been rich since 2008. This can't be him. Couldn't call the landlord. Fanoia, did you have roommates? Because you've been married a while now. I had roommates. I had pets. I definitely never paid the rent a lot. But this isn't me. This could be like the lyrics to a Grateful Dead song. Fucking Christ. Where'd you find this girl? I want to know what the life-changing decision is. I'm giving it to you. Yeah, I'm still hung up on this cliffhanger. I don't think it's Mike because he was equally as surprised as I was when we were like, what's the decision? Yeah, of course. Yeah, dude. That's what everyone wants to know. Here's the deal. I feel like if it was told what the decision was, we'd go, it's Louis. Right. Because it's going to be like, threatened him with a knife. That's not true. Said I was going to kill his whole family. Who am I threatening with a knife? The door? I threatened the door with a knife. And somebody- Open door. Held it to the law. You called the landlord. And you couldn't call the landlord because you threatened him with a knife. That's crazy. You had no money for a locksmith because you're Louis. You made a decision because you don't think it before you act. The slaps of you. You're like, I have my stabbing knife, not my lock picking knife. My pet was inside sitting on my lock picking knife. Also, you're so not Puerto Rican, you don't speak Spanish or know how to pick locks. You've never been fast nor furious. Apparently, I don't know how to pick friends either. That is the one thing that's making me not- It's making me not think Louis because I think Louis can get in most locked doors. No, I still think Louis. Ask women that he's known. That's actually a great point. There's no way I would leave sport in a locked apartment. That's like an insane thing. Has that been your only pet? Maybe you had a pet before that. That would just all throw out my 20s when I had roommates. Yeah, no, but this doesn't- Not a cat. You wouldn't lock your door before you left if you're locked? That was a dumb answer. No, that was a dumb fucking answer. That's ridiculous. That's not what I was saying. Dumb ass answer. That's exactly what you were saying. Lock it in, dumb ass. Everybody lock it in. Ooh, Mike's not sure, which means it might be Mike. It could be Mike at this point. No, no. What I'm thinking is, is she dad pays the rent girl? No, dude, she's hillbilly shit. You think I have a dad that pays shit and I do comedy? Not now. Back when you had to make the life-changing decision. Buddy. What was the decision? Mike, you're barking up the wrong tree, dude. You think she comes from royalty for some reason. Yeah. She got gangbanged by the school fucking cornhole team. Yeah. You're in school and cornhole. It's a different place. Yeah, I was in school. I would have been a dental hygienist right now if I grew up with money. I'm sitting next to you. Yeah. Life, huh? You're doing great. The last sentence made me not think Catherine. Dude, I think that Drew Montana's fucking playing everybody right now. Maybe. I think this is such a Drew story. Lewis is trying to throw it to you. Yeah. Please. What a Hail Mary that was. Go ahead. Go ahead, dumb asses. If it's you, your face was so big, you went, oh, great. I got it, too. All right. Because he blamed everybody else. And then at the last minute, he goes, this is Drew for sure. What a fucking- When he looked up and he saw Mike put out Lewis, he goes, no, another one. That was fourth and 26. He just threw it in the air. Alex, tell whose story it is. Yours are fucking idiots. You just gave Drew a whole bunch of fucking points. Alex, whose story was story number three? Story number three belongs to Lewis. You know, you're a piece of shit. You're actually a piece of shit. You didn't gain it. You didn't gain anything by them also getting two points each. You fucking asshole. You told the story before anybody. I don't know the story. I just had a story I know of you. This sounds like you. What was the life-changing decision, Lewis? I can't take it. I'll tell you. So this is at a time when I used to live with a comedian named Haley Boyle, who was an Alaskan chick. That's who I was picturing. Yes, you were. For sure. So I was paying her the rent every month, but she wasn't paying the rent. She just ate the money. She was a big girl. She didn't buy it. She didn't buy food with the money. It doesn't matter. As long as you put salt on it, she'll eat it. So she wasn't paying the rent. I found out she wasn't paying the rent after a few months. And I was like, well, I'm not going to fucking pay the rent. I was like, I'll give you money towards utilities, and that's it. So now we weren't paying the rent. The guy whose place it was, we were the only tenants in the building because he had inherited the building. But it was a problem for him. He didn't want to deal with it. So he just let us go six months, maybe even a year without paying rent. Wow. But this guy, every time he would see me, he'd be like, fuck you. You guys got to pay rent. And we're like, yeah, talk to her. I gave it her. So I'm not going to tell the abridged version of this story because you will remember this. So there was a girl that I had just started dating who ended up being the craziest bitch that I've ever dated in my entire life. I invited her. Oh, that was up there? It was up there. So I lock my apartment. I go down to Stand Up New York Comedy Club to do shows. She's supposed to meet me at the late show. I'm doing an early show as well. I meet two girls at the early show that are like, yo, do you want to have a threesome? I'm like, of course I do. So I invite them in the back. Bathroom of Stand Up New York. This girl literally was just watching me through the window talk to these girls at the bar. bar so i get in the bathroom with these girls and i'm like i'm kissing them both and playing with their boobs then here bang bang bang bang bang and it was this girl i don't know she came or she came to the apartment what a bitch dude good thing you had your this chick was a crazy stupid what a crazy bitch did she not realize there's two of them in there this no this is an important part this is important part so she had come to meet me earlier at the apartment she was meeting me later on at the comedy club so i gave her the keys to the apartment to lock up right so she bangs on the door and i'm like oh fuck i was like so she leaves and i was like all right well what are you gonna do i didn't give a shit about this bitch at all i hated this girl she was annoying so she then i realized that she had brought her to a different place you lived there so listen this is the life-changing decision jay ah so uh she leaves and i was like yeah fuck it i don't care i don't really like this girl anyway i realized she had my keys my roommate was out of town i couldn't get in your keys i didn't i didn't have money for a locksmith i couldn't get to my dog's house i couldn't get to my dog's house i couldn't get to my dog's house so i had to call this girl and pretend to be sorry about the two girls that i was hooking up with in the bathroom and i was like oh my god you don't know how much i like you i'm so sorry i was just checking out their tattoos i made up some bullshit you're like i'm just scared of falling too hard for you you go i thought that they were you you're too perfect you're too perfect and i don't know if i'm just i feel like i'm just gonna let you down eventually so maybe i self-sabotage is all my problem is i love you too much sometimes you freak out i just like i don't know fuck other chicks to freak out i want to practice i can't put all my love into you i just get nervous i practice on them i don't know i start thinking i think of words like forever and ever and i start having sex with other people i don't know can i get my keys so yeah so i had to go to her and like convince her to still be with me she ended up literally coming back and never leaving she moved in after that it was the craziest you better be gay at the end of this doggy is that the life-changing the life-changing decision was that it set me off on a trajectory for like two and a half years with the craziest woman i've ever dated in my entire life all because she had my fucking keys yo this was the girl who one time she babysat for my daughter when she was like eight and uh and we came back and she was like uh she goes yeah it was really easy watching your daughter and then uh we found out she goes she let me know that you guys said for lunch she's able to have two chocolate frosted donuts and uh and then i gave her for her she said it was called her pre-dinner snack cotton candy i mean to be fair to this girl who was a psychopath you should have maybe given her instructions on what to feed your daughter the cycle i think you know not to feed a girl after school fucking donuts and cotton candy exclusively i don't know if i had to put a post-it note up of that yeah yeah yeah but you hired a psychopath yeah you hired an absolute i didn't know that i just i thought that she had lewis's keys my favorite i didn't want to say i didn't want to set her off at any time she could fucking throw those keys on the thing three stories down i'm getting destroyed right now alex where are our points that's a toughie all right in last place with zero points lewis j gomez serafina serafina in fourth place with two points big j okerson in third place with four points katherine blanford in second place with five points drew montana and in first place with six points mike finoya oh lewis you probably feel pretty shitty right now not me i'm hanging in there i have two points you have zero but one of us has to work hard to get to the top of the list so i'm gonna give you one of the points you have to work hard to get to the top of the list so i'm gonna give you the core of dare is a four-step method to rapidly break your brain's tendency to panic first you d diffuse what if thoughts with a defiant so what attitude next you a accept the physical jitters you might feel irish native barry mcdonough breaks down anxiety and how to change the way you think might just change your life can i can i give you a fun fact please has been happening all day for me glad wearing glasses for me is very new when i usually feel glasses on my face their sunglasses which i also love wearing sunglasses but when i wear them what i like is as you walk around the city i can leave your at people's titties and nipples hanging out and girlfriends and all this fucking shit so i feel my face conduct myself as i'm wearing sunglasses i haven't stopped looking at this girl's tits and i'm sorry they're great i'm sorry in my mind i'm just like this guy has no idea i'm just staring at his chicks tits but he has every idea it's clear they're see-through thank you seraphina your titties are great too yes don't clap she's a child she's a hot child don't clap she's a child she's an epstein survivor alex story number four story number four i once hooked up with someone wearing full joker face paint they did the laugh and everything it was scary how is this not catherine mrs catherine or lewis lewis would fuck a chick we did the gathering of juggalos and we didn't we lost track at the end of the night most nights lewis my friend often fucked a fucking joker face chick a juggalette i thought this was jay you guys both do juggalo stuff though so i don't know i have fucked a juggalo for sure you jay by the way we're uh we're eskimo juggle cousins eskimo juggle cousins are we we are aren't we all man really dude as white guys adam and eve adam and eve are juggalos it's leather i hooked up with a girl yeah well cousin means you guys just both put a finger in the same ass maybe each other's you're right yeah every girl fucks either of us is we're eskimo we're eskimo juggle bros yeah are we well i hooked up with a girl and she was like just so you know i'm not a slut but i did hook up with one of your friends and i was like please say not jay please say not jay please say not jay she was jay and then you came at the juggalos festival no no it was after where what city where did i i don't want to say what city she's in why you think you're gonna narrow it down by the city maybe how many juggalos are out there oh yeah hey jennifer in fucking illinois where do juggalos live fun town fun town usa honestly usually illinois it might be illinois a lot of times it might be fucking illinois oh i wonder who that was what a pig i'll send you a picture i remember the one juggalo i met when i did the festival one year she came out another time and hung out with me and christine this was kind of i think the end of christine's bisexuality was when the people listening at home christine is big jay's girlfriend my girlfriend she uh the girl um a very pretty black girl little chubby and she was blowing me and christine went behind her to do stuff to her and then the girl fucking farted with volume never said a word oh my god never said a word did you see christine's hair like no never said a word about it but then when the girl left i said the thing now here picture the situation i'm laying back this girl's blowing me and christine's behind her ew and i said the thing you pictured it ew can i stop picturing it now no because i said because i said when the girl left i said to christine i go oh well at least the fart didn't smell at all and she goes yeah it did oh i was just like just because i was laying down i was below it it went up it went up and out but it went it went through christine's nose and eyes came out of her ears and then danced and then danced in the smoke she looked like the guy in the memorex ad who's just like back like this getting her fucking hair blown back yeah black juggalo farts i don't want to know what they smell like oh fago fago it's a little spicy oh it's definitely got some it's got some stick on it for sure yeah yeah it stays one of the ones that stays on you i think you have to take a tomato juice bath see i think this is this is clearly one of you guys because the amount of stories maybe you've just told about it but also we love fucking clowns but it might be katherine because joker face paint i don't know a girl that's painting her face like the fucking joker that's crazy you guys some of you you've never been to illinois dude you gotta come to illinois are they doing that yo whoa whoa you're assuming that she doesn't make out with chicks yeah also no no no do you you look like you make out with one of these girls that just wears a lot of makeup you know the kind that you can go like this and it would slice down her face i do and you thought she just had on a lot of makeup because it was dark and you want a lot of clodapins that's and then you got home and you're like oh shit that's joker makeup it's very possible although also i've never made out in my life katherine might be really winners don't kiss that's a fact yes they don't kiss winners don't kiss only from behind wait do it do it they just blow blunt smoke into each other i think katherine grew up in the god hates fags church but this may have been a full-on rebellion this could be katherine this could be easily be katherine because it's very obviously like we would assume a guy is wearing joker face right but that party. Halloween sex. That's what I'm thinking. But other than that, it's clearly Jay. Yeah, for sure. It's definitely Jay. If it was Jay, she's fat. But it's not. It's Catherine, no doubt. Please, ow. I think it's. Did somebody fuck Zach and Miko at Skankfest on this panel? That's what I was thinking. It's very possible. I'm kind of getting Jay by the look. I know that Jay's been going to the gathering of the Juggalos and has been Juggalo adjacent for the better part of 15 years. I'm hired. Juggalo adjacent. I don't just camp out. Juggalo, Big Jason. I'm going Big Jay O'Kissing. He's making it sound like a female story. Big Jay Galo. Everyone vote for Jay. Everyone vote for Jay and ruin his day. It's not me. Everyone vote for Jay, but you're giving somebody a lot of points. Big Jay, go. Fuck. Oh, he got two people? Frenoya. Mikey. Is it you, Lewis? He feels he would know this. Hold on. Yeah, I think I'd know this. You know every clown that Big Jay O'Kissing hooked up with? Yes. That's insane, dude. Mike, he's lived a long life. It's part of our daily fucking phone call checklist. How much time do you have on your hands to listen to his stories? A lot. A lot of times I just put it on speaker and do shit. Your glasses are very scholarly for you. Cartier. I would picture you with some flames on the side. They're both deflecting right now. Fucking A. He said Cartier. I said Cartier. Mikey, for the sake of whatever it's worth, and by the way, this could be me. I understand why people think it's true. They think it's me and have jumped on this trip, but you know me, dude. Jay's desperately grasping at straws right now. The thing that I think is the most. It might be Lewis is the way he's saying that. The thing I think is the most about Jay is the way it's written. Jay writes like that. Yeah, I'm going Jay. On the writing. I hope it's you. Mikey, let your hand go and look at me right now. Never doubt me again. Alex, whose story was story number four? Story number four belongs to. Drew Montana. Fuck! I'm fucking mad. Let's go. Your life is a horror movie. Let's go. You live in a little horror movie. Your Macaulay Culkin grew up. I knew they would think it was you guys, dude. Fuck. As soon as I wrote this story, I go, this is Jay's whole life, man. Drew, that was a good one, man. I one million percent thought it was Jay from the writing. By the way, the girl. The girls I fucked don't think they're wearing Joker face paint. They just call that makeup. Yeah. Did you think it was just a lot like that? Drew, what is the story? Wait, no, it was. So this girl I had hooked up with before, she asked me, she texted me and said, hey, do you want to take a video of me giving you. She's like, why so serious? No, she goes, do you want me. Do you want to record me giving you head? And I go, absolutely, I'll walk over now. She lived like a mile and a half away. I'll walk over now. Oh, that's nice sweaty balls. It's like a 45-minute walk and. This is like. Like the way wiggers tell stories about having to walk 40 miles in the rain to get to school. One time I had to walk a mile and a half to get a blowjob from a clown. In Tim's, unlaced. To be. Human as fuck. To be fair, after a 45-minute walk, I would have let the actual Joker suck me off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's got to be a fucking pot of gold at the end of that fucking rainbow, for sure. But no, I got there and I texted her. I'm like, I'm here. And she came out and she was in full Joker face paint. No explanation for. No explanation for it at all. And she goes, hey. And then she kind of just grabbed me and we started making out. And I have a video of the Joker sucking me off on my phone. Wow. That's a great story. Fantastic story. Yeah. And after she sucked your dick, she goes, want to know how I got these scars? Your dick's gnarled. When she came out in full Joker face, did you at all think, like, I'm getting out of here? At all. At all. I just walked 45 minutes back. Yeah, dude. In my head, I go, are you still sucking my dick dressed like this? That's awesome, dude. See, my father left when I was a little kid. So now I suck off wiggers. I want to watch it all burn. Yeah. I walked home the 45 minutes back to my house after being like, what the fuck just happened? Oh, yeah. Once your balls are empty, you're like, what the fuck did I just do? After the Joker sucks you off and you come, you go, what the hell am I doing with my life, man? I know. Then Heath Ledger, and you were like, fucking wrong Joker died, dude. Wrong Joker died. I go, I either never need to tell anybody about this or do story wars someday. Yeah. I haven't had a Joker suck me off, but I've had a few penguins, if you know what I mean. I do know what you mean. I think we're Eskimo brothers and I'm a penguin. Eskimo. Penguin. Yes. Four stories down. All right. At halftime, in last place, with zero points, Luis J. Gomez. In fourth place, with two points, Big J. Oakerson. In third place, with four points, Catherine Blanford. In second place, with six points, Mike Fanoia. Oh, wow. And in the lead, with nine points, holy shit. Come on, Tata. Luis, we are getting our dicks kicked in. One of them nights, man. Let's take a quick moment and do some plugs and then we will explain what's going on with the second half of the show. Mike Fanoia, this is coming out at least eight weeks from now, so don't plug anything specific. Okay. I'm going to have a beard. So I'm going to be buying a fall jacket. I'll get my hair plugs in August. You can donate at GoFundMe. No, MikeFanoia.com. GoFundMe. MikeFanoia.com for dates. I have a radio show on the Grateful Dead channel on SiriusXM every Saturday night, so you can check that out. And yeah, all summer I'm on the road. Zany, Chicago, Nashville, Vermont, you name it. Hell yeah. Catherine Blanford. All over, I think apparently the tiniest towns in America. CatherineBlanford.com for dates. It's Catherine Blanford on all my social medias. My podcast is called Coastal Idiots. True Montana. Yeah, I'm all over the road this summer. I guess if this comes out later, Janesville, Wisconsin in August. Come to that. Is that accurate? There's going to be some weird shit happening to you there. Please, bring it. You might get banged, still suck you off through his little cage in there. Okay. That's a fucking dark town. And then check out Do-Ragging the Deer Tag, me and Naeem Ali, and then Digital Bazooka, best prank call show that's ever existed. Jay and Lewis did it. It's a good time. Get on there. I was born sucking Drew Montana off. You merely adopted it. Lewis, chill, dude. Lewis, I'm closing. Chill. Big Jay. BigJayComedy.com for all my dates. That's the greatest Yapper Live tour coming to a city near you. It never ends. I'm never home. Go check out a city near you. Big Jay Comedy. BigJayComedy.com for all those tickets. And, of course, listen to the Bonfire Five Days a Week Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And, of course, the flagship show over here, guest digital legion of motherfucking skanks. Also, episode seven of Ari Shaffir's The End, new storytelling show. And if you want to check it out, I think we're still in the top ten over there on Kevin Hart's roast on Netflix. So check me out. Lewis. Lewis. Go to my website. Get my tickets for all that stuff and go see me on the road. But, more importantly, subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love the show, you should know that the entire on-demand library, all ad-free and uncensored versions of Story Wars in one place, gasdigital.com. A bunch of episodes that are not available on YouTube. They live on Gas Digital. You also get pre-release on all the episodes. So instead of watching it on YouTube on Thursday night, you can watch it on Monday night with the racist live chat, which is the best live chat in the game of comedy. Yeah, use the promo code WAR. Save a couple bucks a month and it supports the show directly. And make sure you buy my book, Knives and Scissors, and last but not least, get your tickets for Skankfest. Story Wars will be doing at least two or three shows at Skankfest, November 13th through 15th in New Orleans. We're back to New Orleans for the 10th anniversary of Skankfest. So go to skankfest.com and shout out to Yo Kratom for making it all possible. All right. Thank you. Second half. Second half. I'm getting my dick kicked in, Jay. You're not doing too much better. I'm doing fucking awful. But this can turn around pretty quick. As everybody here knows, as everyone being here, I'm being a story warrior because for the second half of the show, Catherine, why don't you tell them what we do? Whenever you win after the second half of the show, you get double points. Thank you, Roots. That is correct. Before, whereas if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points. Right now, for four more stories, we go, tell them, Drew. Double points. Double points! Oh, that's right. Everybody wet and hard. Let's go. Let's get this thing in the high fucking gear. What do you say? Are we ready? Let's party. Wait, are we still allowed to smoke in here? No. Oh, fuck. I know. It sucks. I asked was the problem. We should have just done it. That was my fault weeks ago. Alex, hurry up. Story number five. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 story number five i used to sneak down and play solitaire on my family computer after i was supposed to be in bed i guess i had the same kind of sneaking around anxiety when i started masturbating because when i climaxed i would see the cards falling just like you would when you win a game of solitaire sorry and i'm imagining as katherine and i'm going to take that to bed with me tonight i've only seen this as katherine for some reason why you think i'm a solitaire kind of playing person no you're a family computer person yeah family computer one in the kitchen climaxing is a very woman climax is a woman's way to describe coming or exactly or is that what jay would say you know boys don't climax dude speak for yourself we come dude speak for yourself dude you're wrong no dude i reached new heights i see things when i come like a rock i see like a rocket ship taking off and a flower bloom and a bunch of cards falling yeah i thought this was mike finoya at first because solitaire is some old head shit but it uh yeah the the story is uh i don't know it's katherine i played with i played with real cards and we didn't have a computer that's how old i am okay i didn't have a computer when i was 17 so i did play solitaire with actual cards me too it's a whole fucking thing but i've been i played on the computer as well i had a i had a computer at what like 14 15 years old i played it like that it was loaded on every computer right you had solitaire we all played solitaire on the computer stop being assholes i also never had a family computer no i had a family computer but i mean i never had a family so that's true i never climaxed wait but i can see lewis only seeing the queen cards being like my queen my queen my queen no that's crazy i will say i wasn't i was never sneaking around jerking off either i just kind of jerked off wherever in my house and was like if somebody sees it they see it you know what the cards fall where they will fuck i appreciate that no i believe them that's a philly thing dude if i'm being honest yeah i got caught jerking off four times before i was 16 dude i'm about that shit yeah yeah it's fine wiggers hide in plain sight yeah your mom was like it's okay he's anxiety never my mom he goes ma shut the door she's like you're in the driveway drew my grandmom caught me twice and my dad caught me twice the only thing missing from this is a fucking horseman stepping off to take you off into the distance this is katherine blanford for sure yeah i think it's katherine it's a it's a lot of over explaining in it you're adding all these extra reasons climax masturbating's a chick word climax we would have jerked off and come dude you're masturbating and climaxing that's girls that's crazy you want to blast it over the screen not be able to see the car you guys are acting like i would win solitaire a lot though no we didn't say that oh yeah because like i would know what that is yeah i don't know what this thing is the the well it depends where you would draw three or draw one gal i don't see and that's crazy you know that because i don't know what the fuck you're talking about well now let me tell you something there was time for solitaire and time for jerking off and those two things didn't intercept and once i fucking mastered solitaire i moved on to fucking uh whatever the mind thing was mine sweet yeah i could i would i would jerk off the snake nice i would just on a nokia that's nice no color because you're gay dude yeah i'm going katherine even though i want to vote for drew because he called me gay here we go katherine is my final answer locked in agreed did you have a family computer i had a family computer when i was in the ninth grade we got our first computer you didn't have a family a well dial up no one you had a family computer no family it was in the dining room i didn't know i didn't know about um private browsing until maybe three years ago yeah so everyone knew what i was jerking off to up until very recently katherine votes for mike why do you say mike katherine why do you because it's her i don't because you have you got like sweet innocent boy and it's like oh i don't the only thing i know mike you do look like an innocent boy who whacks off in front of his family yeah you're not wrong you're dead to rice you're wrong dead to rice why would you think that's me everyone votes for katherine blanford that's so crazy oh fuck if it's mike dude he just ate our asses out climaxed yeah dude you look like you're a climax you're grateful i will say you look babe i'm about to climax really yeah finish with me what do you want me to climax on climax on my tits alex you are a classic i want a picture what katherine why don't you say that earlier i would have voted for mike climax mike he loves yelling at he's gonna climb as a person with a roommate with him he screams he's climax prepare yourself climaxing prep the living room order a pizza babe i love you can i climax inside you please don't make me pull out and climax on your face oh i forgot to pull out my climax inside of you oh no i hope we're not pregnant yeah houston we have a problem alex where are we at i'm sorry whose story was story number five story number five belongs to katherine blanford climax guy thanks tell the story very slowly please if you wouldn't mind if you wouldn't mind dim the lights i don't know what it was playing a lot of solitaire uh yeah you were yeah you were yeah i think i think this is just it was the perfect amount of like being a kid and being alone and so i when i was playing a ton of solitaire and winning pick one by the way and then uh i don't know what it's so i when i would climax i uh i would i i think it was like my only way of knowing like what a celebration was and so i winning solitaire i don't yeah i don't know how good are you a solitaire like came four times the deck kept getting wet i had to move the internet solitaire record time too i kept getting yeah faster and faster at it well i'm turned on alex where are our points at all right tied for fourth place with four points each lewis j gomez and katherine blanford what'd you say oh fuck they got double points in third place with six points big j okerson climbing climbing alex in second place with 10 points mike finoya and in first place with 13 points drew montana i'm in it okay let's take a quick moment and thank ridge for being a long-time supporter of the story wars podcast the best wallet on the planet i also love their luggage the luggage is incredible i have i have ridge luggage and it's the best luggage i've ever loaned and look right here what is this right in the back of my phone right now power bank i don't bullshit all right the products are just the best okay unquestionably you've heard about their wallets forever the power bank is the best power bank i've ever used but here's the thing you don't gotta buy anything this is how cool ridge is they're doing their legendary sweepstakes and they're back and bigger than ever and from now until september 8th two lucky winners get to choose between some amazing prizes like sports cars and cold hard cash jackie and i are in the back of my phone right now and i'm in the back of my phone right now and i'm in the back of my phone right now and i'm in the back of my phone jay they're giving away a lamborghini a lambo lambo oh shit that's crazy because i've always wanted like a ford hennessey velociraptor maybe like a souped up bronco i'm more of a ford guy well guess what jay yeah not only are they giving away a lamborghini huracan serato but they're also giving away a ford hennessey velociraptor and a souped up ford bronco okay that's just are you fucking with me right now yeah now what could you want more than any of those three cars the only what else could you possibly want i mean those cars are pretty big to me but i guess like i would settle for like a i don't know 95 100k 100k 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have seen me drinking out of it for months now it's officially on the website so grab a mug while you're there but bodybraincoffee.com try it for 30 days if you don't like it we'll give you your money back that's how much we believe in body brain coffee so once again go to bodybraincoffee.com use that promo code war20 to save 20 off all right where were we alex story number six at one point in my life i believed i was going to die every night when i went to sleep so i would say a final goodbyes to family members before bed this is sweet boy mike oh you guys man mike give me a give me an emotional good night tell me good night emotionally imagine i'm your dad shucks drew if tomorrow doesn't come i'm glad we enjoyed today say hi to jesus for me oh my god mike listens to uh mama's show and he's like oh my god the christmas song every night before bed sir i want to buy these shoes as i stir xanax into my warm milk can i say that this is this is a story of a chubby boy this is the way that this is the way this is the way chubby boys behave dude you were a chubby fucking boy yeah i was but i didn't have a family you think he was worried about heart disease at 10 that makes it so much sadder you had a family you had a mom you had a stepdad step pop you had a grandma that you loved very much you have siblings jay's got a whole family well they don't live in the same fucking place yeah but lewis just said emotional goodbyes to empty chairs dude his family wasn't there and you're having a good night good night recliner good night sofa good night good night toaster oven good night toaster good night lawn chair this is the microwave good night catherine catherine's right i did have a chair good night staircase i did have a stent put in when i was 11. good night toaster is so funny oh i love you doorway there wasn't that many things i thought of running out of things good night bat by the door good night spiders good night spider good night cockroach one good night cockroach two oh that's so yeah i mean i could just see i guess the little chubby j just going up to everyone be like i'm gonna die tomorrow so i have to hug you this is an a or mike fenoya i can't figure out who this is why we're so good were you a chubby kid no i was beautiful no but he was he was an anxious kid yeah he had anxiety bathroom rapeable mikey yeah jay would go up to to grandma and go in case i don't see you good afternoon good evening and good night and kiss her on the forehead no when i was my grandmother i always felt pretty good i may think i was gonna die at my mom's house she was a child well she was bringing random men into the home yeah you know i kind of hope it's drew because i would love to see you get caught jerking off and then go give an emotional goodbye you're all sticky still sorry you saw me cranking it at the dinner table i love you in case i die just kissing my dad good night after i got caught jerking dad god saw me jerking off i'm probably gonna die today i'm gonna die today i'm gonna die today i'm gonna die today tonight i'm going to get the voting going this is very good i'm sorry i'm saying it's okay i'm gonna get the voting going my vote is for big jay because then i can just see you being this kid that makes me think it's jay because lewis is struggling and he needs points and you might know this about him it's what it's you or mike i can't figure it out i hate my family i always did it's your granddad took you to disney world no but i didn't live with them yeah but you kissed him before bed dude you fucking french the stars you you kissed your whole family before you went to sleep i was getting the mic vibe at first too i don't know why it makes me feel bad jay how many uh oh fuck i guess going did you have a big family growing up no well family members like it's a lot of people getting when i was divorced parents right yeah i don't think you're kissing your stepdad and step siblings i did not kiss joe ever and put that on the record or not kiss emotional goodbyes even like an emotional kisses no but an emotional goodbye you're kissing you know what i mean as a child i don't know if i would get an emotional goodbye to my stepfather my mom for sure that joker bitch gave an emotional goodbye to your dick at a point in your life so this doesn't necessarily mean you're a kid that's true we've made a childhood somehow right you could be a dad that thinks that's a great point and the way it's written it's probably not a kid oh my god and fuck this could be lewis wait wait has anyone i'm gonna live i'm gonna live forever lewis is a lewis is a hyper emotional person it's not to keep his emotions lewis is the type of dad that kisses his son on the mouth so this could be him yeah we've saw i've seen him when we're around come if i don't it's true climax when we're around i've seen him not kiss his son on the mouth and his son makes a face like what's up with your friends oh your friends are here dad bring it in yeah it's weird oh god this could be so cool it's not me or katherine promise you it's definitely not me why not me i think it's mike it's not you do you why you're the only person i think i don't think it's one at a time guys jay oh you guys are having literally separate conversations right now both of you jason i'm not having a conversation i'm thinking out loud i don't like how jay does agree with shit they go is that is that a game is that a tactic is what when you're like i mean that could be me you're like i did i was a stressed out young man i'm gonna go with my gut it's mike finoy yeah drew kind of had me you just just kiss those points emotionally goodbye because you're wrong it's a soft sell that's mike yeah it's mike all right do it oh i think you guys are just fucking letting jay pile the fuck up yeah you know for sure okay so everybody's it's not me so it's you or you fuck it's jay then mike there's no point you we've already voted so i didn't motherfucker vote but if it's you if it's you it might not be you because you're the one who's going to vote but if it's you it might not be you because you're the one who's going to vote if it's you it might not be you because if to drag it on this long is crazy it's not crazy is it you no it's not me alex all of our answers are in six stories down story number six belongs to big jay oakerson what did i tell you chubby kid behavior this is the story of the day this is the story of a chubby boy that was the funniest line i've ever heard this wasn't chubby kid behavior this was fucking fat adult behavior hey this was last night no it was me when i lived with him no it was 2010 it was fucking yeah no it was 2010 i just fucking out of nowhere like started i thought i was just smoking too much weed one night but it was the beginning of a long trail of anxiety that took me to the hospital a bunch of times and then tell me nothing was wrong with me uh to fucking get to that point and fucking it was uh i fucking freaked out pretty fucking hard i forget where i'm at in the story because you said fucking a bunch yeah fucking those fucking 80 times they're back to get me where i was i don't remember exactly you're an adult are you seeing cards falling in front of your face right now no so i would fucking so i would go uh every night when i came home i was like i just got severe anxiety for like months and months where every night i thought i was having a heart attack and i was dying and parts of my body would go numb so i would go in dramatically into my daughter's room every night in her crib and just be like you're gonna be just fine your mom loves you and people will be there to take care of you and i would just wake up in the morning to like by the way your daughter in 2010 was seven why was she in a crib she was like okay dad get out yeah can you give me a real bed 2010 we're coming through the it was 2010 so she was actually eight i guess but like uh no she wasn't in a crib i used to literally i used to go like kiss her good night on the foray while she was sleeping just being like you're gonna be just fine once your old man's found dead in bed in the morning and uh but i never died and so she's fine yeah jesus h christ all right i wish it was me uh alex where are points at all right in last place with four points katherine bland you don't know you don't know what could happen you used to be so cute in fourth place with eight points lewis j gomez in third place with 10 points big j okerson in the game in second place with 13 points drew montana wow crazy this is your eight mile dude this is what this is what you're good at i need to win tonight man in first place with 14 points. Mike Fanoia. Wow. Oh, shit. Two more stories. Are you guys ready for your final two stories? Come on, clap your hands, guys. Alex, story number seven. Story number seven. At funerals, I get anxiety as I approach the casket. I end up uncontrollably smiling and laughing. So now I think really awful thoughts to balance myself out before I greet the family. It could be anyone. It really is. But who's had a lot of deaths in the family? This seems like it could be fucking some trash Philly shit. Drew Montana. Drew Montana. Lewis has had everyone he's ever known in his family die. Mostly everyone that Lewis has ever loved from birth is dead. And he loved it. He did fucking love it. Mike, I'm sure, has had a lot of death in the family. I don't know anything about Catherine's family. Me either. Are you guys a big open casket group? What are you? What's Blanford? Well, it doesn't say open casket. What the fuck is Blanford? It sounds like a charcoal brand. The law offices of Blanford and Blanford. What is Blanford? Like, background? What nationality? What's your funeral? I don't know what your funeral is like. It's the most white. Catholic is shit. Yeah. I think it's Irish. Yeah, it's Irish. German? I don't know. So that's a real big open casket walk up and, like, kiss a guy and cry? Do the thing, yeah. Yeah, I did. I was obsessed when my grandpa died, and they told me I got to kiss him. I kissed him, like, four or five times because I was so. Are we talking climax solitaire kisses? Yeah, yeah. We were close. Was anyone seeing decks of cards? Were the cards falling everywhere? I saw one card, and it was the king. Yeah. I am only. Yeah, I've only been to a couple of funerals in my life. One was my mom's. Did not laugh. Well, you had to think of nasty things to make you not laugh. I had to think about the way my mom treated me. I was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, ha, look at her weird body. Oh, she was a prostitute. No. No. Yeah, I mean, I understand this, though. Like, intrusive thoughts, you go up to the casket. It doesn't say it's an open casket. This is any funeral. I mean, this could be anybody here. I've seen two open caskets in my whole life. Yeah, this seems like a guy in fucking the rough area of Philly. Everyone's fucking strapped. People are going out. Baby's killing babies. It's not a show you're tough. I've only been to a few funerals as well. It's like my grandmom and I think like one of my aunts. No, but you've been living most of your life in the gangster's paradise. Yeah, but wait a minute. It's true. It does happen. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! That's what they played as they lowered the casket. Finoja, I'm getting some feelings over here now. You've been around for a long time. What? You've been blessing this earth for 56 years now. How old are you, Finoja? I'm 46. You're 46? All right, you come off way older. You do have an old soul. I assume that a lot of death's in the family. At this point, 46 is starting to get up there. Sure. Lewis, thank you. Are you going to laugh at my funeral? Maybe. I think it's either Finoja or Catherine. I can't figure it out. I thought it was Drew, but this is so weird. The last sentence says, before I greet the family. And you would be like, before I say what's up. Yeah. I don't think you would say greet the family. My stories are hilarious and interesting. This isn't me. That makes me think it is him. Yeah. Also, you said I haven't been to a lot of funerals. I don't see, I've been scanning this. I don't see anything about the amount of funerals. Well, that has nothing to do with the thing. I've been to four ever. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think I've only been to a few ever. So, like, I don't know. Every one I've been to has been very serious. What about the other white rappers dying in the streets of Philly, dude? Well, yeah, I went to the memorial for Mac Miller and Nipsey Hussle. I didn't go to the funeral. Okay, all right. That is fair. I went to the memorial meetup. I lit a candle at the park, brother. That's not the funeral. That is a fair explanation. And those, they call them frunerals. Ah, fuck. All right, you know what? I'm taking Drew off. This might be Mike. I'm going Mike Fanoia. I've got to go with my instincts. I'm probably losing this anyway, but Mike Fanoia is my. I go to, I'm Italian, and I have to, if I laughed, I'd get slapped in the fucking mouth. That's why you bit your tongue and you had to think awful thoughts. It's him. It's Mike. It's not me. I don't, this is not a laughing matter when people die. The fuck is wrong with you people? This whole argument is falling apart. I'm going with Mike. Shut the fuck up. He looks bummed out. I'm going Lewis. Thanks, Mike. It's Lewis, because everyone died that he knows. That's true. That is a good point. But they couldn't afford funerals. Yeah. Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number seven belongs to Mike Fanoia. Every single time I go to a funeral, I fucking crack up when I hit the, when I go to the casket. I don't know what it is. Is it because the people look like cake? No, it's, I try, I don't, I try not to look at the people. I'm saying like, you know, when you get there and then you got to like stand there like you're praying and you just count down like five, four, three, two, one, and then you do this and then you go over to meet the family. Yeah. From there to meet in the family. Dude, I start just smiling and laughing and I feel like a fucking asshole. So I'm like nine, 11 fucking like I start thinking like horrible shit. Every, every funeral I kneel down in front of the casket. I go Hail Mary full of grace. What are the rest of the words? Fuck. I go, I literally, I stand there and I nod my head and I go five, four, three, two. Are you supposed to be saying a prayer at that point? I go jiggle bells, Batman smells, Robin leg in an egg. I miss you pop up. Yeah. I can't be the only one though. Yeah. You know, you judge what they, I would go like blue suit. That's what you pick. Like you don't pick, like judge their casket. I do a dick. I do a boner check. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? I take their ear. Yeah. It's the last time I do. I take their nose sometimes and they don't do shit. I whisper the N word in their ears. It's true. Take this with you to the grave. See you in hell. Yeah. You're still hilarious. Yeah. I stabbed the body in the chest and go, just making sure. Just making sure. Yeah. It's me. In last place with eight points, Catherine Blanford. Yeah, but it's eight now. It's eight. It's huge. In fourth place with 12 points, Louis J. Gomez. Tied for second place with 14 points each, Big J. Oakerson and Mike Fanoia. Woo-wee! And in first place with 17 points, Drew Montana. Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew. Coming for you, dude. Everyone with Catherine is still in this game, by the way. Could I win? Nope. No. No. It's not happening, Catherine. That's why that guy left. He's going to wait. He's going to get a deck of cards. Oh, yeah. He's like, well, my DraftKings is fucked. He goes, look, I'm a computer. Well, that's my parlay. That's my parlay down the shitter. Good night. One more story. Yes. Before we get to our final. Before we get to our final story, remember, the winner tonight takes home dare. The new way to end anxiety and stop panic attacks by Barry McDonough. We've covered the D, defuse. We've covered the A, accept. But the R stands for run. Run towards your fear by doing intimidating tasks frequently. That's not what run means. Run means run away. That's insane. Yeah, but it's the Irish run. Yeah, not here. Oh, you've got to run towards it. Finally, you E, engage in others' activities that occupy your full attention. Redirecting your focus away from anxious thoughts by shifting how you handle discomfort. Dare teaches you to stop avoiding challenges and start living a bold, more adventurous life. Yeah, dare. Yeah. I do like how they picked an image of a man who looks like he's committing suicide at the top of dare. Just merrily free-falling to his death. I don't know if my life insurance covers this. Dare you to do it. Alex, one more story. New York Comedy Club, are you ready for your final story? Come on. Story number eight. Story number eight. When I see videos of the Rizzler, I get really anxious about his future. I just want him to be happy. I looked at Mike and he broke immediately. Oh, fuck the Rizzler. No, I'm kidding. He's a kid. Yeah, I mean, I'm getting, I'm getting, who's a Rizzler? Good job, Catherine. Very slick right there. Fuck, it might be her. Catherine, this is a womanly type thing. Like being like, seeing a kid being like, I feel bad. Why are they putting me in this situation? Why are they putting him on camera so much? This is something that only a woman would feel. I don't, I genuinely don't know who the Rizzler is. Rizzler is. I'm very young. Oh, my God, dude. Also, also, if you didn't know. I believe her. I believe. Boo you! I dare you to boo Catherine. I don't even have armpit hair. I've not even grown it yet. Oh, put those down. Mike, take a whiff. Let me know if everything's all right over there. I already did. All day. This could be anybody. I thought it was Mike at first. Catherine had a dumb answer about it. I don't know. Yeah, but this could be a high Drew Montana. This feels all Drew Montana to me. This is Drew writing his stories on his way from Philly right now. I need one more. And then a Rizzler video popped up on his phone. Because you know wiggers love to scroll their phone while they drive. I know about this yesterday. Wiggers love Rizzler. Alex texted me yesterday about this. What's that have to do with the Rizzler? He said I sent my stories in on the way in. I sent my stories in yesterday. Well, what is it about the Rizzler you're nervous about? I don't know. I fucking love the Rizzler. He's the man. Nothing about him. I think he's. I like Big J, Big AJ, Big Justice, Big J, Oakerson. Hey, all the bigs. Are you one of them? I'm a bit of a Rizzler. It's not Jay. I think it's Mike Fanoia. Fanoia and Jay are both like TikTok scrolling guys. I'm not. You guys are bored? You fucking love an algorithm? I'm really not, but I'm YouTube all day. But the Rizzler, I wouldn't know who he was. I know who he is, but I wouldn't know who he was. This could be Mike. The fucking Rizzler. No, no. I know who he is, but I wouldn't. I don't. If I saw. If he walked by, I wouldn't know who he is. Jay is not anxious about his own daughter's future. He's not anxious about the Rizzler's future. That's why I thought it was Lewis. My daughter's a Rizzler. It could be any of you. Lewis has kids. I guess you both have kids. Yeah. My daughter's got a bachelor's in Rizz. So you'd be nervous about a kid's future. I don't give a shit about the fucking Rizzler. I think he's cool, but this is the most you've talked. I got my only child. I got my own child to worry about. Yeah. Right? Jay goes. I don't give a fuck what happens to the Rizzler. I hope he gets trafficked. It's really. Violently. Yep. Violently. I hope they put him in a ship at your theater and when they open it up, there wasn't enough air and he's just fucking dead. Take that out of the YouTube version and put it back in for the behind the paywall version. Let people know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gas digital fans know that we want the Rizzler dead. It's one of these two. Wait, is the Rizzler. She goes. I genuinely don't know who the Rizzler is, but it does sound like. It's starting to sound like one of your kind. The more you say this, I think it's you. It's either you or Mike. It's Drew. Is the Rizzler a TikTok thing? I genuinely. We don't know what the fuck this thing is. I thought it was the Riddler's son. I thought it was. I don't know what the fuck. It's either Drew or Catherine. But I can see how mad Drew's getting that I don't know what his friend is. This is a funny story. Drew does write funny shit every time he comes to the show. I'm hilarious. You can't turn that off. I'll be in Janesville. August 14th to 15th. I'll be hilarious there, too. You guys are hilarious. That's not your fault. Fuck me. No, I promise you, it's one of them. I think it's Fanoia because I know me and Mike, every time we talk, it's about like shit that's in his algorithm. He's scrolling through Twitter and Instagram. Mike sees a lot of. Mike's a total fucking. He's a total. But she's actually. I haven't talked to you in a year and a half. Yeah, but I can see you're getting a little bit. I've been telling people we're friends. Chill. All right. I'm going Drew Montana. He talks too much. Can I tell you something? If it's not. If it's not you, that's Lewis. It's Catherine if it's not me. Is it Lewis? I'm about the way Lewis handled it. You think it's me? If it's not him, I said Drew. It's not me. But if it's not Drew. This could be Jay pulling ahead and winning right now. No, it's not Jay. It's not. I know Jay doesn't care about the Rizzler, but. I don't. Sometimes the man just. You think it might be Lewis? If it's not you, I think it's Lewis for sure. It's fucking Catherine. God damn. Hey, listen to me. I swear on the Rizzler's life that this is not me. He doesn't care about the Rizzler like that. May God strike the Rizzler dead right now if this is me. I'll laugh at his funeral. Oh, interesting last round. Okay. What'd you say? He said Lewis. All answers are in. He's all mad about his friend. Four votes for Drew. One vote for Lewis. Alex, whose story was story number eight? Story number eight belongs to Drew Montana. The perfect amount of random. Damn it. You had a wigger tell. I mean, does everybody else not see that kid and be like, where's his fucking parents at, man? I would have felt that way about Lil Tay. Yeah, I'm like, is he not doing his homework? Like, where the fuck. Zero supervision. That is the whole story, man. Every time I see the Rizzler, I go, where the fuck are his parents? Fuck. They're stealing his money is what they're doing. Yes, they do. He's going to be doing OnlyFans in a few years. Alex, where are our final scores at? I genuinely have no idea who won this. All right. In last place with 12 points, Catherine Blanford. Still a story warrior. Yeah. In fourth place with 16 points, Lewis J. Gomez. It's a respectable score. Very respectable. It's only 10 away from the highest ever. In third place with 17 points, Drew Montana. And tied for first place with 18 points each, Big J. Oakerson and Mike Fennoya. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to overtime. I've had to peace in story four. You ain't going anywhere, dog. Bro, one in three is so bad. I got to retire. So, here's the way it's going to work. Mike Fennoya, Big J. Oakerson going into overtime. One story is going to be told. It is not going to be either one of their stories. It's going to be my story, Catherine's story, or Drew's story. They have to wager. How many points do they have? 18? Between zero and 18 points they get to wager. Don't let the other one say it. Okay? And then we will read the story. Once you lock in your wager, let us know. I see what Jay's wager is. Jay's very confident. Damn, Jay, that was almost all of it. Locked in. Locked in. One more story, ladies and gentlemen. Story number nine. Now, remember, it could be just the three of us. Story number nine. When I was 10 years old, I went on a ride called The Rainbow. It made me so anxious that I cried and begged them to stop the ride. I did this. I did this. On The Rainbow? Not The Rainbow. It was called The Tempest. What's The Rainbow? Is that like the bobsleds? That's what you like because you're gay, dude. Got him again, dude. That's twice. Two times Lewis is gay. Got him. This isn't Lewis. Lewis, because I've told stories of me begging this guy. Yeah, Lewis, you're gay, dude. Three times. Three times, Lewis is gay. Come on. Rides on guys. Yeah, Lewis, I believe he was like a real, like, fucking. I was such a kid that was like, I'm not gonna fucking try to skateboard or go on a ramp or jump a curb or any of that dumb shit. I was a little panicky kid. I think Lewis was not that. Lewis went for it. This could have been Drew. Drew, did your father leave when you were young? No, my parents are still together, and I've also had three stories. Wait, wait, wait. Is the rainbow like a townie carnival ride, Jay? Or is it like a six-part? I'm assuming that's a. It's the one that just goes like this, and then sometimes it goes, what if we went the other way? It's her. You know so much about the rainbow, Catherine. Carnival rides are small-town shit. She's from Kentucky. Why don't you over-explain it, you fucking meth addict? I think it's her. They both vote for Catherine. Alex, whose story was story number nine? Story number nine belongs to Lewis Jay Gomez. I'm terrified of heights. When I was a little kid, I was terrified of rides. I remember the first time I went on a roller coaster was the Dragon Coaster at Rye Playland, and I nearly had a fucking heart attack. The rainbow. Let me fist fight you on the Ferris wheel this year. First. Okay. So the rainbow, I know exactly what it is, and Catherine was right. It's the one that it's like a platform that has like rainbows and clouds and sunshine, and it was maybe 30 feet in the air, dude, and it would go like this, and then when it would get up here, I'd go, and my sister, I remember sitting next to me laughing so hard as I cried, and every time I would come down, I'd be like, please stop the ride, and then I'd come back up here. I'm gonna die. I can't believe I have physically given myself to you. The rainbow's the gayest ride ever. So yeah, now we gotta go. The points. The points. Alex, do you have access to what they wagered? Okay. I don't remember. I remember. You saw mine? I remember. What was it? It was six. Was it? Really? It was five. It was five. Five points. Fenoya wagered five points, so that brings his score down 13. I saw what Big J wagered. Big J, you wagered? 15 points. 15 points. Damn. Ladies and gentlemen, an official, officially Story Warrior, Mike Fennoya. Mike Fennoya, you are the newest Story Warrior, everybody. Congratulate him. Let him get his book. Take your book. Throw it to the people, Mike. Let the people have the book. How about a big thank you and a round of applause for our amazing panel. Drew Montana. Catherine Blanford. Of course, your newest Story Warrior, re-Story Warrior, Mike Fennoya. Thank you guys for hanging out with us at Story Wars. I'm Big J Oakerson. I'm Luis J Gomez. Until next time, peace. ♪ ♪