Mick Foley + Peter Pardini (Carolla Classics)

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They have a 90-day money-back guarantee, so there is no risk. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off for life, plus free shipping and three free gifts at mengotomars.com. That's mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you check out. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights, and fans, like the clips from all 17 years of The Adam Corolla Show. If you'd like to gain access to the entire archive of The Adam Corolla Show, as well as The Adam and Dr. Drew Show, and the newer podcast, Beat It Out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's Substack, adamcorolla.substack.com. Sign up, subscribe, listen ad-free. All right, let's get to the clips. Coming up first today, we have Adam Corolla Show, 1969, featuring Mick Foley, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, Mankind, many different characters, and one guy. Also, this episode is the source of a famous drop, along with Alison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013. Check it out. Hello, and welcome to Pluto Phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic! The Matrix Trilogy. Welcome to the real world. Mean Girls. Shut up! Titanic. I'm the king of the world! And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free, 24-7. That is so fetch. On Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man. O'Reilly, love these guys. Gonna get into it with O'Reilly, because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks, and it's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road? You do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free, and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful. And friendly. O'Reilly is your one-stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right, Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us at O'ReillyAuto.com slash Adam. That's O'ReillyAuto.com slash Adam. Get it on. Fired up. Welcome to the show. Good to see you, Allison Rosen. Hello, Adam Carolla. Bald Brian. Requested by many at Bald Brian for today's top drop. So, two weeks ago, I got a corporate gig to do at like 9.50 a.m. on a Tuesday in San Diego. So, I say to Mike. The hilarious time of day. Yes, yes. People are. They're basically open vessels and receptacles for comedy at 9.50 in the morning, only in the San Diego area and parts of Oceanside in Vista, California. So, I say, well, how long is the drive to San Diego? Well, the answer is it's about. It's about two hours, except for you can't leave at 7.45. You're going to sit in traffic all the way. It's going to take you four hours. So, then there's this thing where you have to leave at 5.45, but then when we leave at 5.45, we will get there in two hours, but then we'll be at the gig at 8 a.m. and it's at 9.50 and I'll be fucking exhausted. So, we'll get a room and then I'll go upstairs and take a nap for 25 minutes and then I'll come down and do the thing. It's this whole sort of factor in thing, but it fucks with your. Brain, man. So, we had. The gig was you're going to do a gig with Dennis Prager at 8 o'clock and before that, you're going to be in Upland, California, which is 40 miles away and that 40 miles away, you have to be there at 6.30. So, I say, all right. Now, it's Saturday, 6.30, 2.10. We should make great time. It's Saturday night. We're going down to 2.10. We're not going through Hollywood. We're not going through downtown. We're going to Pasadena. For those outside of LA, this is not the heart of the city. Right. We're going around the backside. It's a less populated part of town. Right. So, we can make 40 miles in 40, 45 minutes. There's no Saturday night. Nobody's going there. We'll make it. So, I tell Mike, I'll be at my house at 5.30. We'll give ourselves an hour to get there. Well, we sit in traffic all the way out there and then at a certain point, Mike gets on the phone with the guys and he's like, where are you? And I'm like, we're in Monrovia. Was it Rose Bowl traffic? No. It started off with a little Rose Bowl traffic. That's where my, the only thing that exacerbates all this shit is when my entire family's with Dr. Drew at the Rose Bowl and showing themselves while I'm fucking hitting the licorama in Upland and hitting a San Bernardino. And so, I said, okay. So, we're, like, the guy's calling from the licorama and he says, you know, there's 200 people here and, you know, it's now, it's 645 and we're still, you know, 15 miles out. And then Mike says to me, because of this insane traffic, we're going to have to make this up because we're not going to be able to sign everyone's bottles of Mangria and then get to the gig that night with Prager because we got to get in and out of here. But then what about all these people? And then we keep screaming, what's, where's all this fucking traffic coming from? By the way, there's no satisfactory answer. It's just traffic now. The only satisfactory answer ever is an accident because you know that it will clear up as soon as you pass it. Yes. I said, Mike, Mike said, I said, well, maybe it's an accident. He said, I hope it's a triple fatality. Anything less is going to be an attack on Mike. Mike was very upset. So, I said, yeah, I don't know. So, the whole time, you know, the guy keeps calling from the liquor store and he keeps saying there's 200 people there. And we're like, look, we can get in at seven. It's like the Blues Brothers. We want the show. If we can get in, yeah, Cab Calloway's up there doing. Hidey, hidey, ho. Right. So, we can get in at seven. I can sign bottles, but I got to get out at 730 because what if we hit any of this traffic and it's 30 miles to the gig in San Perdue? Which starts what time? Allegedly eight. Although, as I always say to Mike, it starts when I get there. Yeah. It's never going to start without me. I wish it would. Axl Rose over here. That's right. But if we get there at 810, then we get there at 810 and it starts at 812. That's how it's going to work. What are we going to do? So, we get to Upland and the guy says, this is an interesting thing. You know, the people that want you somewhere really badly but don't act like it or they want something- Like they seem totally unprepared for you to be there? Well, what I'm saying is he says, so Mike says, where do we park? Where do we park? Where do we park? Because we're going to be in and out of this place. And he says, you can park right in front in the handicap zone. And we said, all right. The local authorities might have a problem. Yeah. I thought, well, all right. He's going to be standing out there with a pile on, you know, waiting to take our keys or something. Well, this place is, it's another one of these things. I've had it happen a few times where someone goes, our address is 935 Foothill. But what they don't tell you is it's a giant mall and their address is not facing the street. It's on one of the stores that runs perpendicular to the street. So, you couldn't see the address from the, they don't, they leave that part off. Like when someone says 935 Foothill, you just think, oh, I'm going to be traveling along Foothill and then I'll get to your address. Oh, no, no, you won't. It's a huge mall that you have to drive into and you will not be seeing our address from Foothill. Ours runs, we'll make a T into Foothill. It's the part of the mall that goes in and then it turns a corner. And every store in this center has their own address and it goes on for half a mile. Why you wouldn't weave that into the conversation? I don't know. You, that's arguably more important than the address. Right. Is when you see the whatever turn left. Right. So, the, we turn in and I'm going, it's deeper and he's going, no, I think it's back this way. Well, you can't see it from the street. It's in the corner. And again, it's a sort of a, it's a mall thing, but it doesn't run the direction that the street is running. So, you can't see it from the street. And then. Did you just look for the 200 angry people? Well, they're inside the store. And then we got to the, what was our parking space, which was. the handicap spot in the very front of the store. except for it had the 1950s black and white cop car parked, backed up into it with the guy. This is the Blues Brothers. Literally with the guy like, yeah, Eastman. And then they're like, thank you. And then we had to drive just to the farthest part of the parking lot and just park. There's no other place. There's the one parking spot. He wasn't saving it for you. No other. And then when we parked and started running toward the store, of course, as we ran past the cop car, he flared up the siren. all right dick thank you but you know the guys who are these guys by the way and i there's a part of me that loves them and the part of me hates them but you have 7300 worth of semi-restored 50s cop car and it's become your life it is your life you back it in you run the siren that's your thing it's your entire thing is about that and it's like that's your thing because we're all like okay you know a bone stock yaris is thirteen thousand dollars this is half of that that but no one would make the yaris their life someone who would i would like to meet that guy but bone stock beige four banger camry with cloth interior is one of the things i love most about the day is that during dinner time when we're all in the kitchen we love to listen to music and like dance while we eat i mean it's probably a bad habit for my kids but i love it and we love listening to amazon music like that's where we go for like our dance sessions around our kitchen counter but you can also on amazon listen to podcasts audiobooks i've seen that they have verity they have a court of thorns and roses project hail mary making it easy for you to listen to your favorite music and i love that you can also listen to your favorite books or podcasts music podcasts audiobooks all in one app fuel i feel like every place in la i go to i mean i gotta stand in line for 20 minutes for some mediocre sandwich that by the way they screw up the order every time now and that's why i love using huel instead their black edition powder has 40 grams of protein and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds it also has 27 essential vitamins and minerals no artificial sweeteners colors or flavors the ready to drink bottle it's got 35 grams of protein seven grams of fiber and it's under five bucks a meal no more mediocre sandwiches try huel instead that's huel h u e l and now it's 15 off online for new customers that's huel h u e l am i right dawson limited time offer make healthy eating simple get a huel today with our exclusive offer of 15 off online with our code adam at huel.com slash adam new customers only thank you to huel for partnering and supporting our show you can't get out the door for under 19 grand this is half of that that's your life like i really want to explain to people that do that thing where they get that mustang that's the notchback you know 66 mustang that they've been working on and they're making it their life their life it is half the price of a camry you cannot be your life you must get past the camera and i doubt it's getting you laid but when the camera's parked outside of the party and you pull up no one says oh jerry's here that's that's very true why you that's why you get the cop car right because everyone knows that jerry's fired up the sirens as we were running past the thing scared the shit out of both of us we got in there but then the part where the guy who owns the liquorama there's a perfectly nice guy he's just standing in there now he's got to be looking at his watch looking at the 200 person line and go where the fuck are these guys and then when he sees a guy back up the car 54 where are you at that point he should now exit said store right and be like standing out front like that part where he's just kind of behind the counter when you come walking in out of breath and goes hey there you go all right well let's get started like that part where you go here's where you park and then car 54 where are you parks there i know where car 54 is by the way it's in front of the fucking liquorama and then somebody parks in that spot now are you not supposed to then stand out front and go i'm going to signal these guys or when they come in it's it's not a heading back into that i guess it's that thing where and i wish i had it dearly that part where you told somebody you know come over at five o'clock and i've had this with my wife before and and i and it's been a thing where it's like it's four minutes to five and she goes i'm getting into the shower and you go wow why are you not worried about this what you told someone to come here oh they'll get here like oh they'll be here or you can let or someone will let them they can find their way and like why not more concern about this no i'm like you like if someone's coming over at five i'm nervous about it at four o'clock the day before right and so if you're the guy who really badly and you tell them to park right out front and there's no other place to park but the car 54 car backs into that spot so we can turn a siren on us when we come running by why are you not out front saying to the guy hey man can you do me a solid these guys are pulling in here and blah blah blah or some version of that maybe he's friends with jerry well guess who was gone by the way when we left i was like i'm gonna fucking yell at this guy when we leave he was gone now that space was wide open as we're living so we uh took the pictures we uh signed everything as fast as we could sign the 200 people was more like 110 people we blew through it and we uh hauled ass out of upland and uh got to the gig with prager though chris max patta was waiting there yeah for us uh said he had a picture of the marquee yeah we pulled up you had the o in uh corolla the first o so we had him change it oh so oh i see you oh you took a picture i took a couple pictures yeah of the cor sequence of them changing yeah nice yeah they're really good about changing it you had them change it yeah wow i like people going to the wrong show people tweet me pictures all the time of like mangria displays where my name is written out above mangria above the label that has my name spelled correctly spelled cor the the part that i'm i never stopped being fascinated by is i would never assume this is how a person spells his name or her name i just wouldn't i i would never even if it was jones i would look it up just to make sure in this day and age of everybody my sister lauren with a y could be spike jones with the z right i just want to know and then i would just go look it up i would double sort of confirm it before i got up on the ladder and did the thing i would never do a thing much less print labels thousands of canadian labels to you when you sign books do you okay sign this to daphne or whatever the name is do you always go daphne with a whatever or do you always ask for the spelling or do you i for speed's sake you must assume sometimes almost always if they say sarah i'm just going to give them my version of of the sarah that's tough shit for them and and sarah should be spelled but um if and unless otherwise informed and for speed's sake but yes i i don't know how to spell well so i will often ask you know how they want that spelled or how that is spelled but somebody's last name like even prager i know how to spell prager but i would still look it up before i i did something that was see the giant well the book as well it's like i'm just kind of powering through with a sharpie so they're not going to be able to exactly make it out it's more of a mark uh anyway but something that's going to be printed times thousands of labels are going up on a marquee yeah i would take an extra couple of seconds for that anyway it all felt great knowing two things a that uh my wife and kids were at the uh cla game with dr drew and his wife enjoying themselves and uh that i was going to have to get up very early the following morning and drive to san diego and do this coronado race coronado is actually a base i don't know if it's a naval base marine that's a naval base fleet week anyway it's probably a little further than uh san diego you just keep going it's beautiful but uh when you're stuck in traffic and you're you know you're upland and then you're heading to the end of the empire and you know you're coming home about midnight the uh early call to go drive to san diego and then drive back and come here and do this show uh some an emotional thing and then of course i did the um couldn't go any other way than this um the uh there's uh dr drew and uh join themselves while i'm slaving over a hot bottle of mangria uh the uh the thing that's that i knew was going to happen but just happened anyway it came to about midnight last night maybe 12 15 and i thought i got a glass of wine in my hand i've been fucking traveling and working for the last seven hours i'm tired i i told everyone meet meet my house at 7 30 in the morning we would all leave put sunny in the car we're all going to coronado i have not done qualifying friday's practice saturday's qualifying sunday is practice and then the race i said i've not done any driving on friday or saturday because i've been working i'm going saturday morning i'm going sunday morning i'm We get a little seat time, learn the track, and then the race, which was the featured race of the weekend. The race will be, I think, at 1240 on Sunday. So practice, 1040, race, 1240. At a certain point, like I always do, about midnight, the night before I made an executive decision, and I said, forget practice. Fuck practice. I didn't qualify anyway. I'm going to start at the back of the pack. And I know the course anyway. Hell, I've hit half of it. You can find a picture of what I did to my Bob Sharp 610 there a couple of years ago. So I said, fuck it, no practice. I'm just going to do the race. And then I called Rob, and I said, Rob, alert everybody who's supposed to be at my house at 730 tomorrow morning. Do not be here at 730. Be here at 915. Wheels up 915. We'll make my 1240 race. And then I finished my bottle of wine. And I went to bed about 1.30. It was a glass to begin with. Well, no, but the bottle feeds the glass. Bottles made out of glass. That's right. You're a smart ass. And then the gate buzzer rang at 730. Who was it? It was Jeff Fox, who did not get Rob's. No one to blame. It was like, oh, it was sent out. I sent a text. I didn't get a thing. And then it was like, this is, by the way, this has fucked up my entire mission statement here, which is now I'm going to get up. Now I'm going to walk down. Now I'm going to talk to you. Now I'm in a weird position of, like, come in and have some coffee. No one's going to arrive until 915 or go get a bagel or go home or, like, I'm going to go back to bed for another hour. But it's not going to work. Molly's up barking, running around. Sonny's raring to go because he's riding with Daddy. Like, he's been up since 630. Like, what are we going? I'm hungover. I'm going back to bed. So a lot of that. But we packed, ended up, everyone came back, wheels up. Everyone packed into the car. Sonny was riding in the middle. They all hustled out to San Diego, ran the race, uneventful. Probably Lynette probably shot. Lynette and the kids and everyone came out to the track. So it was kind of a nice little family thing. The kids are into it. And as I said before, kids, for me, it's kind of, there's something I want. And I think we spoke about it. Last week, or hell, maybe I was talking about it with Drew. I can't remember. It's a picture of my car from two years ago. So shit happens on occasion. You can go to AdamCroll.com and see the carnage. I want my kids to experience Papa doing things that they enjoy. Last night, they were with Dr. Drew and cheering on the UCLA team. And it was a lot of fun and excitement for them to be in the Rose Bowl and the band playing. And this team scored a touchdown and blah, blah, blah. And then the next day, they're out doing dad shit, watching dad do his racing. The sights, the sounds, the excitement, the people. Just the notion of, hey, your parents are living their lives. They're doing things they enjoy. Watch them do what they enjoy and partake in it and participate in it as well. That part of parenting, rarely discussed. It's always about tutors. And homework and discipline and a lot of dietary shit. One of the most important things you can do as a parent is I want my kid to experience me experiencing life and enjoying them and enjoying life as well. I did not see any of that growing up. It's like a defense against the nothingness that you always talk about. Yeah. Like, I love it when people go, oh, my dad loved to dance or he loved to sing karaoke and he wasn't any good at it, but he loved it. You know, or whatever. His team, his cars, whatever. My dad loves stamps. He took us to stamp shows. Oh, God. He tried to instill a love for philately in us. Oh, he should be incarcerated and eviscerated. A love for, I don't know, Audible books, like audible.com. Share that love with your kids. That's right. But yeah, kids, sorry about the stamps thing. I know. It's fucking sad. Sad, right? He also loved Tropical Fish. I know, but let's talk about you and the fun stuff. Share it with your kids. Let them experience your joy and participation in life. I always hated the fact that my parents were constantly miserable and freaked out by life and everything was a chore and all but a pain in the ass. And yes, taking your car and towing it to Coronado and gassing it up and running it and all that stuff. And they don't pay you to run these races. You pay them to run it. It's a big colossal. It's a pain in the ass. You did a show Saturday night. Now we're all going to meet at my house. Some at 730, others at 915. It's just a waste of my time. And it's all a big fat pain in the ass except for it brings joy. And ultimately, isn't everything, I mean, every treehouse you build is a pain in the ass. Everything that's kind of a lot of fun in a lot of ways takes a lot of setup. Like I was just thinking, you know, you and your wife went to the UCLA game. I go to the USC game this weekend. We have the tailgate and the friends. They get there early. They set up the car, the whole, with their kids. The kids are participating, the whole tent, the food, everything. It's a lot of setup, but it's a lot of fun. Yes. And I would, one would argue that minus any of the setup, there is no fun. Or at least it's empty-caloried fun. It's. No, you feel it. No, you've earned it, but you know what I mean? Like I put a lot of work into this or I put a lot of effort or I got up early. I do really. Or I arrived five hours before the game. I do think the foreplay in life, you take barbecue, you take tailgate, but barbecue. Yeah. When you take that. You get the hibachi and you get the coals and you put them in the cylinder and you get them all fired up and you spread them out. There's that part where, you know, somebody says, let's throw the burgers on now. You go, no, too soon, too soon, too soon. Don't jump the gun here. And you lay it out and you do it and you walk by and you smell it and you hear it, you sear it and there's a little fire shoots up and then somebody comes up with their bun and says, is that thing right? No, no, not yet. Not yet. Well, I'll let you know. That makes the first bite that much more satisfying. Do you think that having kids? Sort of reinvigorates you in a way? I'm asking for personal reasons, clearly. And I'm going to sound like a world class. Asking for a friend. Well, no, here's the question. No, here's the thing. Take them. Because there's a lot of stuff. Okay. There's a lot of stuff like that where, to be honest, I do think, oh, that sounds like, like, what's the point? That's so much work. Yes. And I find that it's hard to make myself want to do all those, even around certain holidays, you know, with no religion, holidays. It seems like a lot of them seem like a real pain in the butt. But I imagine when you have kids. You would be more. It would seem more worth it to do all that stuff. Yeah. I think you want to say you don't want to grow up in the Corolla house or either want to the grandparents house and decorated a rubber tree, potted rubber tree in the living room or mama cut the branch off the dying pine tree in the front and leaned it against the wall. And we decorated that. Nobody wants that. For no other reason than not putting your kids through that. Which of those two trees was considered a step? Like, which came first and which came second? Like, no more of this rubber tree nonsense or no more of this branch nonsense. Oh, I don't know. It's fucking sad. One of those had to be considered a step. But is it like just the fact that you want to say with pride, you know, my dad always would go out and pick out a huge tree, you know, and we never go to Home Depot to save a couple of bucks. We'd go to the church because he wanted the money to go to the kids or whatever it is. But he never skimped on that tree. Like, that's what you want. All right. Well, let's see. We got a little in-car footage. We'll take you a lap, quick, quick little lap around or half a lap around the naval base over at Coronado. Jeff just threw this together. Yeah, Jeff tells me this is a clip. We've got one where a BMW is passing you. We've got one where you're passing less. Your preference? No, whatever. I'm going to throw up the BMW one. Whatever you want. If we don't have the sound. Those two guys are leading the race. And I started last because I didn't qualify. So that's them going around me. And yes, that's my shift pattern written on a piece of tape there. So I remember what the shift pattern is. Does it not bother you that shift patterns aren't all the same? The Paul Newman car is the opposite of that car, which is. Oh, my God. And that car first is up. And then the Newman car first is down. So once you get that muscle memory, once you get that muscle memory shit going, it's tough. And that's why I put the stickers up. Yeah, it's probably bad to toggle back and forth. All right. Did I get to pass somebody? No. All right. Yeah, this one's you passing less. Kind of cool alpha amount. See, the whole thing is laid out on a naval base. It's a land air. I guess it land airplanes there as far as far as I know. It's beautiful. The bay is beautiful. The track sucks. It's just a bunch of cones. And this cement barrier I hit two years ago is right to your left. Right there. Commemorative cement barrier. Yeah. Corolla crashed here. Yeah. And somebody always. Somebody always knocks over these cones and these chicanes. Now, if you go through this S where they go to slow. Slow you down a little bit. Someone always hits one of those orange things. um i can tell you something funny the very first time i did this race i was the crowd is sort of off to the left and maybe we'll come around in a minute in a second that i set up a bunch of tents and you know everyone comes in and barbecues and has a good time um the very first time i did this race there's a long straightaway and there's a there's an s and uh they they create a chicane basically uh it's like some tracks like they did it at uh lomo and lomo down the uh down the uh molson straight at lomo look at you yes at lomo some native french speaker they put an at they put a chicane in there basically saying it's too fast we can't have people going wide open 250 miles an hour for for six miles people are getting killed so we'll put a chicane in there to force people to slow down and and kind of deal with it and i think that's what they do there um you're not going to go 200 miles an hour they just there's a long straightaway and they put the little chicane in there they should do that instead of speed bumps or speed humps here it'd be more fun i i agree i would like the chicane and by the way i like to say i was slowed down by chicane rather than a bump so uh what happened was the first year i did that race i was riding behind a guy and i i saw him in the infield after the race and i said what happened i saw y'all spun out in the infield i saw him back back in the pit and he said some motherfucker going through the chicane clipped one of those big orange pylons knocked it down then when i was coming through there was right out in the field and i enjoyed it and i ended up spinning out in the infield i wish i could find that motherfucker and i said uh well i got bad news for you because i was directly behind you going through the chicane the lap before and i saw you clip it and it was falling over just as i slid past it and then the next time you came around it was in the middle of the track so you you've been found you have been found go find a mirror or at least a reflective bumper or something and you will find the motherfucker who knocked that orange thing over which inevitably always gets knocked over at uh at a certain point all right i will uh give a little uh mick foley's here i'll give a little love to uh one of our fine sponsors why don't we just bring uh mick in mick foley good to see you brothers thank you for the round of applause i usually have to bring my own fake uh done that many times thank you very much for having me on i appreciate it we talked about this last year in montreal and i really appreciate you making it happen i appreciate you coming over here and gracing us i appreciate you appreciating me i appreciate all the appreciation you look great by the way what are we appreciating appreciation yeah you do oh no i mean but wrestlers uh age like cottage cheese normally not you know in the desert like not not good and you look really good well you know what i'm vibrant i'm excited uh i'm doing something else the transition post-wrestling life can be uh difficult yes jesse ventura was a governor the rock transitioned into movies uh stone cold uh movies and a popular podcast and it's kind of limited so i've uh i feel like i've i've kind of fallen into this wonderful area where i can get up on stage and tell stories mick uh and uh by the way houston improv arlington improv and uh comics live and that's corpus christi and that's october 2nd 3rd and 4th and it's uh tales from wrestling past uh you can go to his website realmickfoley.com uh mick i remember interviewing you a million years ago on mtv yes and we were talking about your past growing up i don't know logging or something northwest or something i'm trying to remember i think something is accurate uh i i started out as one of those kids with a dream i just wanted to be a wrestler if i had any idea how difficult it was going to be or how i thought i could make up for my physical shortcuts and i i trust me there are some uh for you doubters out there i do have physical shortcomings i thought i could make up for with a make up for with a flair for the theatrics and then i learned uh in the most difficult way imaginable you know on my first day of wrestling training that uh it wasn't going to be nearly as easy that the whole foot stomping thing that i thought was the magic behind wrestling was actually a very small part of it so you know you get in there and you you pay the price and you either love it or hate it and i ended up sticking it out well you know it's weird because you see the guys who whose names well first off if you recognize the guy that means he did pretty well for himself in the world of wrestling because there's hundreds of thousands of guys who've wrestled and there's 23 guys you'd recognize out of the hundreds of thousands of it's it's a like the aforementioned automotive racing like people go i know that name is that guy any good and i'll go do you know if you've heard his name yeah he must it's not like baseball or football or even basketball if you've heard the name like if you're a jockey a wrestler or a car driver and we kind of know your name you made it you've done something yes i was i was a wrestling nerd in the 80s so i watched a lot every sunday morning and all that stuff and i remember they would trot out two or three new guys every couple of weeks just kind of see if they would stick and see if they'd catch on and they wouldn't catch on they'd give them chances yeah chances are not good i tell people and i told the guy yesterday during during our meet and greet after the show i told him i'm not good i'm not good i'm not good i'm not good he said i'm going to start going to start training in a couple weeks he goes what's the best advice you can give me he had a wife with him so he obviously you know this was a dream he was pursuing i said be realistic chances of making it are very slim be safe don't let anyone throw your body in any way that you're not comfortable with and uh and try to have fun because so many guys have their it's it's like this path i'm pursuing i'm uh i'm having more fun i i know we're talking about shows uh coming up in uh in um the texas area but tonight uh i have a show which will likely be the smallest crowd i've had in several months and i'm looking forward to it like it's the super bowl talk about my audience yeah no no no no i'm gonna do a show uh later on in corona california and uh i have been thinking about it the whole way up uh i've got a combination of 12 of the finest santa clauses in southern california burt kreischer and my favorite porn star all in the same room and we're just going to try to say hi to randy west for me he's a dear friend he won't be a friend he won't be on hand he gives all the guys with the average size penises hope he really does he's a hero he's a hero to the working class average size penis not credited enough no no no no um by the way uh mick's written a bunch of books as well you have another book uh think about another book you know the next one on the pipe will be a children's book called hug it out uh i'm active with wwe's be a star show tolerance and respect and so i write stories involving our wwe superstars as little kids with the same characters so they make for nice little kids characters they learn a valuable lesson about treating each other with respect what is uh what is the state of wrestling right now because i feel like everyone i talk to or everyone we interview or someone we we're just talking to diamond dallas page and and all these names from the past and all that kind of stuff and then there's the rock and stuff but i'm not sure what's going on right now like i i haven't watched a modern day wrestlers yeah like who's the biggest name out there is it's just guys coming going and coming back like john cena and guys like john cena has been injured he's going to be out for quite a while and that actually creates the opportunity for a couple of guys to step up we've had people of you know huge stars within wrestling but they're not the guys that you would whose names you would know so on the basis of do you know their names making them a success they wouldn't fit that bill yet but within the wrestling world which is bigger than it was internationally when i was when i was around was considered to be at its peak in this country but around the world it's bigger than it's ever been so we actually have more fans in india than we do in the united states uh and so guys i'll throw out some names that some of your listeners uh will know cm punk is a major guy there's a guy named daniel brian who's just a joy to wrestle uh damien sandow is another one a group of bad guys known as the shield and every monday night i watch with my kids because my kids are huge fans i i love it you know i'm still fortunate to be working for a company that uh pays me to do something i love and then i get to dabble with the the storytelling shows on the side what makes someone a joy to wrestle uh you know what um i remember in 1988 and i was i was having a tough time you know really getting on track really hitting uh uh my chance of getting a mainstream job a big-time job with one of the two national touring companies wwe or ted turner's wc w we're looking kind of slim because i had a unconventional physique but uh one of the veteran guys came up to me goes you know what i think you're going to make it because you you are fun to watch because you obviously look like you are enjoying yourself out there there's like a passion that you know people attach the word fake to what we do quite a bit you can't fake passion and uh you know i had that uh for for many years uh wrestling in the you know smallest places imaginable so for me you know to to do a show like this i'm not going to do a show like this show with a i'd i like when there's hundreds of people there and fortunately there have been hundreds so i'm talking about my storytelling shows but i don't see it as like a blow to my ego when there's a few dozen because uh you know when you got burt kreischer and your favorite porn star you really can't go wrong i had uh by the way i've now i've now had the same version of of this mick i don't know if you can identify i've now i actually i got the royal flush version of this i i i told everybody i was uh visiting my dad in the hospital about a year ago he's doing well now i was uh leaving the hospital and there was the big black security guard who was kind of standing out front with the uh next to the valet parking and i had this unfortunate unfortunate exchange with him where he went hey man show and i went hey man how you doing what you up to these days and i went well i'm working on it just chilling and i said uh no i've just published a book don't worry something will come up and he walked away and i was like i really wanted to tackle him and tell him what i was doing so fucking it's debilitating like you don't realize don't do that don't ever do that to somebody just chilling and uh don't worry something will come around don't come up at the hospital either not at the hospital no mood i'm very vulnerable at this point i'm thinking about who's going to return the lease on my dad's you know what i mean at this point right the hard questions the hard questions and so i said um all right so i didn't like i realized there's a part of me i want to step up and go i just had a book on the new york times best seller but i didn't realize that that makes you sound even more desperate and weak so i had this uh i have a similar story tell yours that i'll share a similar a similar similar feeling i had two days ago i'm in the deep valley and i'm getting a mirror framed i'm at a framing a mirror frame and i'm with a guy he's like he's you know 40 years old and he's crow right crow or something and it's a crazy name and he goes so i recognize you and i said uh man show right and i said yeah yeah yeah yeah hey man what's uh what's going on what are you what's what's happening what's uh what's uh jimmy kimmel i'll see what's going on there and i said what what's going on with jimmy you don't know what's going on with jimmy kimmel you recognize me you know what it's going jimmy kimmel's doing the late nights he's doing tearing up late night and he goes no no no i know no i know him he's doing great what are you doing i said oh there was like this moment where i thought for a minute the guy didn't know what jimmy had been up to but he knew me and he went what's going on what are you doing and i was like first off you can't say much because it's two in the afternoon we're in recita and i'm trying to get a piece of glass framed so they're not on tour with the rolling stones obviously not not much going on i'm here talking to you you're not this isn't my assistant you're passing this message through it's it's if you have to try to convince somebody that you're doing really well i had a humbling experience where um i was working with a group uh that that helps out helps people in the transition from homeless shelters to to you know living in homes i really took this family under my wing because the young lady i realized it was a couple of bad breaks this could have been my family you know and a tough academic times uh lots of people are a break or two away from uh from from um from from being out of out of out of their home and so this woman had told me i was her favorite wrestler growing up but it meant so much to me and my whole family took part we gathered all these clothes and we found clothes that would fit their kids and my wife was about her size and we brought over five or six boxes and she thanked me and she hugged me and she goes you really were my favorite with the two by four and everything and i went that wasn't me that was the rather common hacksaw jim's dug in comparison yeah and then she went with the well who were you like i was i was mankind oh i liked you too like sorry replace hacksaw jim duggan with gilbert godfrey you got it i've been there i've been there my friend oh all right mcfoley here and you can go to uh real mcfoley.com if you want to find out any of the dates and any of the clubs any of the places and you and i followed the same path oh ray from balderwood in a lot of ways which is um realize that there's a place now for like unconventional comedy yes like mcfoley's not a stand-up but he is a storyteller and he is an entertainer and back in the day it used to be well you have to have a tight 20 minute set or 40 minute set or middle or open or whatever now there's a new form and we know it from going out and doing the podcast live speaking to you ventura harbor comedy club coming up on tuesday two shows by the way it's a new it's a new dawn of sort of entertainment which is no more memorize the same old act and do it for 10 years have guys that are storytellers that are entertainers that are doing live podcasts or pro wrestlers or whatever and just get up and share it and hone it and work it but it's not what it not what it was and that's kind of nice it's the it's the alternative to the alternative comedy yeah i uh i really found my way last year in montreal because up until that point i i prided myself in doing as little wrestling material as i could i'd be offended when someone said hey you had a great time mcfoley show he talked about 80 about wrestling i don't know no i use wrestling as a jumping off point to get to larger social issues there's brendan burns a great australian comic who was doing uh the uh just for laughs with me and he said mate it's a wrestling show i said no no brendan i use it as jumping off mate you do a wrestling show it wasn't until i got to montreal and started going out to the shows and then seeing oh watching amy schumer and saying that's what it's like to be really funny for an hour you know and to see people doing showcases and and come out of the showcase and go they were great what what were their names because you know how difficult it is to get a face name recognition and then i'm thinking wait a second i've got stories people want to hear and i'm not telling them i'm essentially becoming like mick jagger refusing to play stone tunes at a solo tour right and uh once i got to the show i was like oh my god i'm not going to do that i'm not going to do that and once i got it that there were like 300 funnier people than me in the same hotel i really embraced being the wrestling guy and once i embraced that like i started having far more fun and word started getting around that these are wrestling stories uh that the fans will love and then i find ways to make them different and constantly work to improve them i had that same realization in my hotel in montreal and that's why i tried to set the fucking lobby on fire because that's another approach you could get funny or take them out you're just going to ball of flames and what are you going to do right you're like the last one's faster yeah and more surefire yeah you're like the chubby chick who's left over at the frat party don't worry you'll get a date all right we got a little baldy what what movie you know let's do our intro you want to do it now or do you have to make these or let's do it now mick's got he's got a half i got time yeah i got time good here we go hooray for baldy wood he will tell you if a movie's good brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his netflix queue before you spend bucks remember his taste sucks he loved that train wreck piece of shit transformers too hooray for baldy wood i saw rush new racing movie yeah it's in it's a limited release now it's only actually in five theaters although two happen to be within a couple miles of my house so i thought it was everywhere but it's only in a couple theaters out friday everywhere so you guys can see it at friday if you want uh so this is an advanced review the rare advanced review this is directed by ron howard legendary hollywood director uh paul 13 i remember this story nicky laudy nicky louder yeah yeah he was the driver in the terrible crash right in 76 formula one uh i'm glad you know about this and adam you probably know a little about it too i didn't know anything about formula one racing in the 70s so i don't know how um well known these guys were in the world and how how if this is sort of a story that's worth the movie you know what i mean like was this were these guys famous were these guys really well known well um no but neither were the guys from uh pain and gain it's a good point just a great story uh i mean you you want to find that story um nicky lauda's pretty pretty famous guy again if you don't know his name like we talked about then it means he's in some fraternity that's pretty elite because you don't know any race car drivers but the name nicky lauda sounds familiar and that's enough f1 was like a big always bigger in europe than here but it's heyday what probably was those mid 70s and the cars were the most beautiful too the cars were nice they recreated everything really well it's a good looking movie it's a really good looking movie actually uh chris hemsworth who's thor he plays um james hunt yeah who's british sort of british playboy very well known my dream is to play a role where somebody says look in order to play this next role we have to slim your guns down like you have crazy 21 inch python i thought about that we need to get them down to like a manageable 17 and a half or 18 inches to get them into a fire suit and you go well i'll work on getting the fucking guns down but i can't promise you anything oh i just lifted my hands right there i could have added an inch yeah i i always think about that was like when mark walberg played the fighter right he literally to get Somebody had to tell him to start eating shit so he could look more like Irish Mickey Ward. Like his guns were too big to play a boxer. You're too built to play a middleweight boxer. Chris Hemsworth did look very big at certain points, getting into his car and lowering himself with this huge delt. And I'm like, he's got to weigh down the car quite a bit. So obviously not exactly. F1 guys are traditionally 150 pounds because by extra. Chris Hemsworth's upper half is 150 pounds. You take a car like that where those cars are within milliseconds of each other. And in a sport where if one guy's turning a half a second lap time faster on a four mile course, he's going. He's leaving you. If it's half a lap, half a second a lap, you won't see him after five laps. They bring that up in the movie. Nicky Lauda tinkers with the cars famously. And if you take a guy and you put an extra 75 pounds. of upper body weight in that car, it's not only the acceleration, it's the cornering, the braking, like everything. It's a huge disadvantage. Same lessons I've learned on the go-kart track. Oh, just saying that to someone on the way in. Just weighing it down and dad's probably not going to win that race. That 11-year-old will kick dad's fat ass every time. But it comes to the water slide. Now gravity's working for me. So this is about James Hunt and Nicky Lauda's rivalry, especially in that 76 season when that horrible accident happened and he got burned. You know that I've seen any trailers or commercials for it. For a movie called Rush about very dangerous auto racing, to me it was actually really boring for a movie called Rush. I was surprised that it was so long. Somebody I drove down to San Diego with today said it was much more about the story and the love story and the whatever. Not so much about the racing and the excitement. The racing was there. But of course, in the trailer, you have to put that part. Yes, the trailer makes you set up for a movie called Rush. That's all about you. You know, life on the track and the fast lane. But it's not exactly like that. I did like, I love the guy who played Nicky Lauda, Daniel Bruhl. He's an Austrian actor, I think, or German. But he was excellent. I loved him. And it was cool how they didn't, there wasn't a hero and there wasn't a villain. Nicky Lauda wasn't the bad guy or the good guy and vice versa for James Hunt. They were both just sort of flawed, you know, guys who had their own sort of journey, which was an interesting way to do it. Usually it's good guy, bad guy, that's the conflict. But it was two guys just striving to be the best. And that was interesting. Sort of twist on the story. So the Ron Howard craft part, just the craft of his filmmaking must have weighed in on the F1 track. I think so. Because Ron Howard doesn't make a lot of bad movies. In fact, he makes mostly really good movies. And he makes mostly movies that he takes semi, okay, so Apollo 13. You knew the ending going into it. You knew the Apollo astronaut survived. But it was a complete, spoiler alert, but it was a completely white knuckle tense movie. It was a great movie. And he turned a very ordinary thing or something that we all knew about into a really great movie. And he kind of did the opposite here, which was, it wasn't that exciting. It wasn't. I was hoping for a little bit more. Was it long? Did it feel long? It was a little over two hours and it felt like it. I enjoyed the racing scenes, but then it was. Did you get built up a little too much? Yeah, because the trailers, you're right, are a little bit like, you know, it's got the techno music and it's got the, you know, it's Rush. They're very much pushing the sexy sort of aspect of it. And it was, yeah. I think somebody told me that those guys who own those vintage F1 cars drove. They drove a lot of them themselves because they didn't want guys driving them. I could see that. They looked very cool. Multi-million dollar cars. I wonder if this is a movie you can make now with the CGI being what it is more so. Because you can recreate the tracks and the crowds and the conditions and everything and not have to put a lot of drivers in danger. And the same danger you would have had to in the 80s. Yeah, I don't. Right now, I don't think you're going to be able to do that. But in a few years, I'd imagine. So what do we give it? I think you and any racing fan will find this pornographic. You will probably love it just because of the history. Cool cars and a lot of references to old drivers and famous people and such. I found it kind of boring. A plus for racing fans. B minus maybe for the rest of us. Yeah, right. B minus. It's not bad. I would have taken that in high school. Would you have taken that in high school? I would have taken it in college as well. Oh, you went to college. Oh, yeah. Wow. Outstanding student in my major. Which was? Communications. There were only 12 people in my major. I'm going to have a fake wrestling match. Getting hit by folding. Who cares? As long as we're talking about movies, can I ask Mick a question about something you were talking about earlier? This is the second time we've had the opportunity to talk about Beyond the Mat. Yeah. Because Diamond Dallas Page is in here talking about Jake the Snake. Right. And in the movie, there's a great scene where Mick brings his kids to a wrestling match. The young kids. Yeah. And they're freaked out because Daddy's getting beat up. It didn't go well. It was the worst possible match I could have possibly taken them to. Well, earlier Adam talked about involving kids in what you do and what you love. And it's funny that you did the same thing, but it turned out horrible. You had a lot of blood coming out of your mouth. Yeah. Every dad needs to have their worst parental mistake caught on film. And keep in mind that The Rock was a phenomenon, but he was relatively new. And had a couple years experience. We were in there in the main event of a huge pay-per-view. And there's something to be said for losing the suspension of disbelief and becoming a character. That's great. But it wasn't necessarily great when The Rock became that guy when I was handcuffed. And he had a steel chair in his hands. And we vastly underestimated how long it would take me to make my way up the aisle. And so what had been a suggested number of shots more than doubled. With the steel chair. And it got really ugly. It wasn't like when I see somebody. People ask me about a match called Hell in a Cell all the time. And I can understand the drama. It's a real emotional roller coaster. Once in a while someone goes, you know what my favorite match was? I go, what's that? They go, that I quit match with you and The Rock. And I just kind of get. Squeezy. Like, if you watch that more than a couple of times, you're revealing some sociopathic tendencies. Especially if it's in your refractory period after you're done watching the best parts. Did he just kind of overdo it a little? You know what? It was where I. We both got caught up in it. You know, we really got caught up in the moment. But you were handcuffed. I was handcuffed. And I was feeling. You know, I was really feeling it. You know, I was like if, you know, when De Niro. At his best, he would become those guys. I was mankind. Dwayne Johnson was The Rock. And it just. We thought, you know, the fifth shot. I mean, people can watch this on the movie. Not like I'm talking about something that's not known. That number five would put me down for good. And I'd be halfway up the aisle. And I was still in the ring at number five. And not faring very well. It was bad. It was the worst. You know, the most graphically. You know, second or third. I've had a couple of words. But the most graphically violent match I've ever had in the U.S. And how old were your kids? They were five and seven at the time. And they didn't react well. There is. I didn't realize. By the time I saw my kids, I didn't realize they were hysterical in the audience. This is not a movie that Mr. McMahon cares for me discussing. He thought that it took away people's ability to enjoy. You know, what we do is an escape for people. They tune in on Mondays and Fridays for. A few hours to escape the real world. We don't want we don't want real problems, you know, out there. And clearly there's some difficulties ago when you're reaching the end. Your line is a wrestler. Like I said, I'm lucky. I found things I love doing, whether it's writing in books or telling stories. But this one was pretty. It was pretty tough. And my kids, you know, they they reacted like a lot of kids. What do they see their dad suffering? I see a lot of professional fighters bringing their kids, you know, the Latin. I with the four year old and the seven year old. And they're just sitting there next to mama. And it's like, really like trauma to. I had the benefit that the Rock was there beforehand. And we said kids, you know, the Rock is dad's friend. He'd never do anything to hurt dad. And I thought and I was like, and guess what? When this is all over going to Disneyland, I thought that was the big plus. Sure. And then the kids got, you know, they got we were hysterical in the audience. But by the time I got back and here's the strangest thing of all is not that I allowed them to see me getting a bludgeoned, but that I. I thought there was nothing at all strange about having them there while I got stitched up backstage. Right. And my daughter is a great line. She goes, Daddy, boo boo. I said, Daddy's got a little boo boo, honey. She goes, Daddy, that looks like a big boo boo. Yes. Yes, it is, honey. Yes, it is. And then we walk away holding her hand. It was it was it was a great movie. I was really glad I was part of it. But man, that was a you know, that was a tough one to watch. Netflix if you can get it, I think it might be streaming, but the far more uplifting. For all mankind documentary of my career is streaming live, and that's what's uplifting for all mankind. Yeah. And so you should watch them like if it's date night, watch them back to back, you know, watch them back to back as a date night with you and five dudes. All right. Let me give a little love, Alison. I know you have a question. Stifle yourself for one second like Edith Bunker, but be prepared because we're going to get your question and then we're going to talk a little new score. Big baby. Score big footballs back. You want to go to some games? Oh, they're sold out. Boo hoo. Score big dot com will get you those tickets. You don't have to pay top shelf prices. They can save you up to 60 percent from the rafters to the front row. Whatever you like, whatever you can afford, they will save you money. All the best sports, by the way, shows family shows like Mick getting a crappy down with a folding chair, regular season, college games, pro games. baseball? Sucker. Theater, whatever you like. Exclusive offer. You go to scorebig.com, click on the radio button, enter Adam, and you get a $25 coupon. You can use it on your first purchase today, tomorrow, or next month. Score big, baby. Do not pay full price for your tickets. Let's not forget. Click on the radio button, enter Adam, and get $25 off scorebig.com. Sorry, Allison. Oh, I was just curious, like in the match you're talking about from Beyond the Mat, is there not any way to indicate to the person, like, hey, you are hurting me? Like a safe word. Yes. You know what? First of all, today's WWE, it's a much more PG environment. You'd never have a match like that taking place. It would never be booked. And it would never get that out of hand. Also, if things are getting carried away, the referees have the authority. I mean, I'm not kidding. They would stop something like that. And so I remember after the infamous Hell in a Cell match, and Mr. McMahon took me aside, and he said, you have no idea how much I appreciate what you've done for this company, but I never want to see anything like that again. And then he told me he was going to place a governor on me, and then he had to explain to me what a governor was. Jesse Ventura. And Jesse mounted him at that point. This company man. Well, essentially, he was trying to save me from myself. So they're really good, and I enjoy the PG. I'm glad I was part of Attitude Era. Where anything went. But they put out a really cool product. It's changed a lot. You probably wouldn't hear as much about it, because it's geared more towards kids, teenagers. A lot of people just look back. A lot of people who come to my shows are in their 30s or late 20s, and they recall the glory days of yesteryear, where you could give people the finger and call them whatever you wanted to. But those days are over, probably for the best. Well, much like the aforementioned F1 racing. The stuff has become a lot safer, a lot more regulated, and a lot more. But for the true enthusiast, not as exciting. All right, Allison, let's do some news, baby girl. The News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip It Cut. Well, as we are recording this, the 65th Emmys are happening. Neil Patrick Harris is hosting. So we will sort of keep you updated with who has won so far. And so far, outstanding supporting actress in a comedy, Merritt Weaver from Nurse Jackie. Oh, fuck! She's excellent. Who was your money on? I didn't know Merritt. I thought that was a cigarette. Merritt Weaver. Merritt Weaver. All right, Nurse Jackie. Is she the friend, the older doctor friend? I'm going to say yes. But I really don't know. Okay. There's too many good shows. Yeah. Too many good shows. My mom loves Nurse Jackie, but I don't actually watch it. I do. And you like it? I do, yeah. Okay. Outstanding comedy writing, Tina Fey and Tracy Wigfield for 30 Rock. I thought that was, you know, code for a hand job. Like, sweetie, you think Nurse Jackie could come by? You know, after the kids go to bed? Would that be okay? I've seen a couple seasons that never crossed my mind. I had a really. It was a really stressful day. Nurse Jackie could just. Nurse Jackie can leave the TV on and watch HLN if she wants. Just, she could maybe swing by after the kids go to bed. Another heyday that I think is behind us. I would wake them up to go potty if Nurse Jackie came by. Nurse Jackie's really sore. I've had a really stressful. I had to stitch a Halloween costume today. Today. Nurse Jackie's, you know. Just see if she can come by for just a couple of minutes. Nurse Jackie's worked a double shift. She's pretty tired. She needs to take a load off. Do you think she could just step into the shower for a second and speak in a load? And off? I'll talk to Nurse Jackie, but she's. You know how she gets when she's tired. I love doing these recreations with Brian. I know. I was going to say, just give a hand job, Brian. Come on, Mick. Why can't you jump in? You know what? I have a dilemma here. My favorite. But she's out there in the hallway. She'd love to come in and say hello. Is she allowed to do that? Your Nurse Jackie? Your Nurse Jackie? No, it's my Siri. And she helps me. She's going to. She helps me do a bit on stage. Oh, your porn star? Yeah, she's wonderful. Randy West is out? No, Randy West is not out there. I'm confused. But I've dragged this poor one. Where is she? Can she come in? We'll bring her in. Sure. Yeah. All right. And while we bring her in, I just want to make a point that I feel like another heyday that's behind us is naming genitals or giving code names. Yeah. I feel like in the day, everything had a name. Yeah. And now it's just. No. It's not that way. I know. Sure. Ace Ventura. I don't think you can go wrong with Mr. Winky. What's going on? Oh, thank you. Oh, let's see. Ah. Siri, have a seat. Have a seat right here. Jesus. Now, Siri, what. You don't want to put those on? You can put your headphones on there. Boobs. Wow. Siri, what do we got here? Double Ds? 32H is my bra size. Wow. Nice one. And how did you get hooked up with Mick Foley over here? Go ahead. He's just an awesome guy. Honestly, I wrote her. No, my wife is. He wrote me a very. My wife understands. I would. There's three reasons why I would never do anything naughty. First of all, I would never do that to my family, crush my family and my children. Second of all, I'm not comfortable being naked in front of anyone except my blind massage therapist. Uh-huh. And most importantly, I asked and she said no. So. Right. So it's a. I wrote to her because I saw her in the film. You wrote to Siri. For the first. Yeah. First, I'd reached out to her and I said, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'd reached out to Christy Canyon like eight years ago based on reading her book and she and I became very good friends and I reached out to her. I said that she reminded. I did. I did. Just blindly. She didn't know who I was when I wrote and it was a very nice, respectful letter and I said, I feel kind of like that guy in the Dos Equis commercial. I don't often watch porn, but when I do, I prefer Siri. Yeah. And thus began. She's respectful. Very respectful, right? Uh-huh. And so she shows the letter. You know, she's shown everything I've written. So you saw her in Inglourious Bastards and you wrote to her. Yeah. And you wrote to her. And you reached out. So you saw her and you became a fan. I did, yeah. I'm not ashamed of it. And Siri, did you know? No, she didn't. Did you know Mick? No. I mean, like I recognized there was name recognition there, but I didn't grow up like watching wrestling. I grew up with people who did. So, and then when I Googled him, I was like, holy shit. She was fairly impressed. That's crazy. And it turns out I've got maybe two or three good friends in the industry and one of them, a mutual friend, you know, raved about. Raved about me personally. And so she came to my show at the Improv. And what was wonderful is even though she wasn't a wrestling fan, she was right there in the front row and watching her reactions. There's a lot on the. Before, I did a little research on her. A very intelligent young lady, prolific writer, great writer, could be doing anything she wanted to do in life. But she decided on her first day, I'm talking on her first date with her husband, she said, I just want you to know that in case this goes anywhere. I plan to pursue a career in adult films. With your husband? Yeah. Yeah. Where are you from? Texas. And so on your first date with your now husband? Yes. You said, I'm going to pursue a career in the adult industry. Yeah. Well, we met online and then after sending a few, you know, emails back and forth, we meet in person a few days later. You, Adam, just got her husband into swinging. This is the love life. You did. She did. You were the best. Oh, really? Yeah. This is Rowdy Roddy Piper? Who is this? He used to watch Loveline and he knew that, I mean, the way that he said it to me was that, you know, you had conversations on that show about like non-monogamy and about different kinds of things. It might be considered a little more taboo, but he felt really comfortable seeing that talked about on a television show. And so he was like, well, that's kind of cool. And so he's, you know. I mean, I saw the episode with me and Cameron. Cactus Jack on that. I don't know. We had an instant rapport, though. We did. Did we not? It was a great time. Yeah. This is a big reunion. That was 1999, 14 years later. Here we are, me, Adam, and Siri. The funny thing, though, is that did you guys used to tout a non-monogamous lifestyle on Loveline? No. If I recall, Dr. Drew was always talking about how threesomes will ruin your relationship. I don't remember that. No, but I would say, look, if, I would say to people, look, you know, you're 22, you've been dating for nine months, you're probably not going to get married, so if you're going to swing, I mean, if you're going to have a threesome, now's the time, and then you break up and you, you know, you get on your bucket list, and, but if you're going to get married, maybe, maybe not, but you guys did get married. Yeah, we did. And you kept your oath to pursue pornography professionally. I did. Had you, were you already doing it at that point? No. I was in my last semester of college when we met, and I was, I knew that college, you know, I'd be finished in like, in like three months, I had about three months left, and I mean, literally, like. And the second that I told him, like, look, I've wanted to be a porn star since I was 19, at this time I was 23, and he thought, he was like, I'm fully supportive of that, that's wonderful, how can we accomplish this? And so we packed up and moved to California. It's the American dream. And I imagine built like that, it wasn't hard to find work. You know, in the adult industry, it's actually really easy to get started. The hard thing is to stay. Right. Because there are so many girls who. Who are, you know. What was your first scene like? Where'd you do that? My first scene was great. It was. A lot of porn scenes are filmed at mansions that are rented for the day in the Hollywood Hills. Yes. So it was just at this mansion in the hills in the middle of nowhere, and I was like, this is crazy. Casa de Chiz. Off of Mulholland, I've been there. And you just met the guy for the first time. Yeah. Is your husband with you? No. No, that's pretty much a universal rule in the universe of porn. Husbands, boyfriends, whomever, no matter how cool they are, not allowed on set. Right. Which, I mean, because we come from like a, I mean, we are swingers, and we went to swinging clubs and stuff. We lived in Dallas, so for us that's kind of like, but it's more fun for me if he's there. By the way, when you walked into that swinging club, those guys must have been delighted, because I've seen real sex. I know what most of those creatures look like, those swinging. My husband says I look like I'm in my 50s. Even though I'm knocking on the door of 70. What is it like when she walks into the swingers club? It's got to be. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. I knew this would pay off. 13 long years of nothing. Just climbing over bodies. Like that Brad Pitt movie. Just piles of bodies rolling toward the front door to get it serious. Wow. Now, how do you suss out the swinging club? And then what, so you're with a dude. Your husband's with a gal. But you're in the same room. Just in case you're wondering, I'm not part of this equation. No, no. I'm not part of this. Just to clear up a mess. We forgot you were in the room. I'm not part of the swinging equation. So the closest that I, but here's where I get to live vicariously through my action figure who does get to reside between Siri's breasts. Yes. He gets to go all kinds of fun places. He does. So, so. By the way, I made a little video with him and my boobs earlier, and I forgot to take him out in the car on the way here. And he was like in there for like an hour. And then I was like, I forgot to take Tiny McFoley out. Okay. So. Give him a breather. Don't call. Don't say Tiny McFoley out of context. It's real weird. So how many movies have you made? I don't know. I mean, I don't really keep count, but in terms of DVD releases, between 60 and 70 probably. How do you make money these days in that business? It's tough. It's hard. Piracy hit the industry really hard, and porn hasn't really found a way to. I love pirate porn. I agree. Porn hasn't really found a way to deal with it as well as the music and film and mainstream film industries have. So it's, I mean, it's not really dealing with it very well. Most performers, directors, anyone with a, you know. Do you perform, do you dance at clubs? No. I mean, I've never, I've never stripped or danced. I'm kind of a horrible dancer. Although I might give it a try. I think I might give it a try. It sounds fun. Hey, everybody. Oh, yeah. There we go. Hey, my name is, hold on. Let me ask my phone. Little Macintosh humor for it. Yeah. Series stage three. Jade stage nine. Stage nine, Jade. Hey, it's Cactus Jack McFauley over there. Hey, Cactus. Hey. Whoa, shit. His wife and kids are with him, and they're crying. What is this? Oh, Vintrick, man, is very upset. Anyway, Jade stage four. Stage four. Sorry. Could I share a cute story with you? We'd like, yes. This is a cute story. I just got an iPhone. Didn't know how to use it, and it comes with an application called Siri. And so I have my 10-year-old attempting to show me how to use the voice app. He's 10 years old, so boobs are a big part of his vocabulary. And he goes, oh, it's like this, Dad. Siri, how big are your boobs? And then my 19-year-old daughter out of nowhere goes, and he's not talking about your friend, Dad. And I turned my head, and he went, she said, busted. Was the wife in the car, by the way? No, no. My wife's aware that I have a couple. I have a couple of good friends, and she believes I have good taste, and that's as far as I'm. I'm not sure she would be comfortable with me introducing Siri to your audience, but I make those judgment calls, and then I suffer the consequences. I'm sure there'll be some type of financial. Listen, as someone who's suffered as much head trauma as you've suffered over your career, you can't be responsible for the things you say or do. Head injuries. You can't go wrong with that, right? You just say, look, I've had head injuries. And it's basically. It's literally an umbrella that covers many behaviors. Yeah, a lot of behavioral eccentricities. A lot of behavior. That's right. That's right. All right. Siri, don't go anywhere. Mick, don't go anywhere. Let me give a little love to one of our sponsors. Siri, let's see. I'm trying to think of a partner. Now, do you do the stuff that you have something online? You send out panties and things like that? I mean, you've got to make money. I actually do do that. No. You do the panties? The minority of my money comes from being a company hiring me. To go shoot a scene. I mean, it happens, obviously, but it's not the majority of what I do. I have several stores online where I sell my own content and stuff. And I also. I mean, I'm a director and producer, too. Oh, you do? Yeah, I have my own website. So, most of it is stuff that I create myself rather than being hired. So, it very much is a business, and I have to treat it that way. Adam, I have begged her to do a PG or R-rated version of her Twitter, because she's a phenomenal Viner, very funny, and then once in a while, she'll. I haven't heard me use a swear word yet, right? And she'll make me literally laugh out loud with a little Vine from last night, or Instagram last night, where she was sleeping with my action figure. And then, just as I tell my daughter, she's a great. Noelle, you have to understand, she's a wonderful person. I really appreciate her for her brain and her talents. And then Siri will come out of nowhere and hit me with something hard to defend, like, I absolutely love to suck cock. And I'm like, don't do that to me. Even if it's just for your one fan, just get an R-rated thing. It's hard to explain that. And then my daughter goes, how about that, Dad? And I said, well, I told you she was honest. Siri, now you say you could have done anything. You're going to college. You could have gone any direction, but yet you chose the pornographic direction. Yeah. I want to get a satisfactory answer as to why. A satisfactory, okay. For me, not for you. As opposed to a non-satisfactory. I want to be satisfied with your answer. All right, Siri. Now, look, you know what I used to do for a living. And I've talked to a million young gals. And it all starts with the, oh, she was a college student. She could have done anything. And she played the flute and so on and so forth. But she decided to get into porn. And at some point, Dr. Drew and I would dissect the situation and break it down. And something horrible happened in the past. There are some issues. There are some issues with daddy or so on and so forth. Do you have that? Not at all. Or are you truly just a fan of pornography? Not at all. For the record, you know, my dad is actually like a close friend of mine. I have no daddy issues. Yeah. Is he all right with what you do for a living? He's not too jazzed about it, you know. I don't really talk about my family. That's all I'll say there just because they didn't, you know. They didn't sign on for this. I can be pretty private about that. You know, I would say that. Ask your question again. I need to satisfy. I think he wants to know what made you want to do porn. Usually people who truly can do whatever they want to do in life don't go into pornography. It's like, I don't know. It's like boxers. But that's the same thing I used to hear about Resco. I used to try to, people in the wrestling industry, when I started out with my first full-time job in 88, I started in 85. My first full-time job, they would say, what are you doing? You're a college graduate. Like, there's absolutely no chance for you making it. And I was pursuing a very unconventional dream. And I had a very unconventional body type. And I was told, you know, from day one I was never going to be a star. You get the double Ds. I don't know why you couldn't. Oh, yeah. For wrestling. For wrestling. For wrestling, very unconventional. And so I, as ridiculous as it sounds, I see something of myself in Siri because to me. Or you'd like to. Like part of your balls. I like that. I like that. Like the front part of your balls. Because to me, she's the most dynamic performer that I've seen. Not that I'm a connoisseur, but I've never seen anything like her. You know, somewhere between the 25th and 28th time you explain you don't watch that much porn, it makes us think you watch a ton of porn. So why did you, what made you want to go into pornography? Hyper sex drive. Well, yeah, that's one of the things. But the funny thing is, I don't know that most porn stars can say this. I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 18. I didn't ever, I didn't even give a blowjob until I was 22. What the fuck? I just turned 25. Wait, what was happening for those four years? 18 to 22. I dated women. I lost my virginity to a guy and I was like, this is, I didn't like it. So then I was like, I guess I'm really a lesbian. Because I already knew I was bisexual. So then the guy thing didn't work out. So then I dated women for several years and then obviously became bisexual again. Or realized that I, you know. Anything you don't do in the porn industry? Well, I don't really do anything considered more hardcore than just a boy-girl, like, straight sex scene. I do lesbian scenes. I do boy-girl scenes. I don't do, like, anal or any of that, you know, crazy stuff. You gotta graduate. Maybe one day. So, first blowjob at 22. Right. First porn movie. At 23. Wow. Yeah. My first, that was, like, right when I turned 22 was the blowjob thing. And then, you know, it's like. No game on. 23 was, yeah. 23 and a half more. So, there was like a year and a half gap there. I've always known that I was a very sexual person. It just took me a really long time to be comfortable expressing it because of various factors. Growing up in Texas is a more conservative place and just feeling like I needed to repress that a lot and maybe even being afraid of what would happen if I didn't repress it because I knew that it was very strong in there. I've always been intimidated by my sensuality as well. What is intimidating? I mean, I was scared it was going to sweep me out in like a sensual sea. Yeah, a little bit of it out. I kept it capped very tightly. It's hard to live that way, though. It's hard, but on the other hand, once you uncork that magnum of sensuality, it never stops gushing. Right, and that's all people then see you as. That's right. A font of sensuality. All right, so Siri, where do we find you? We go to the Internet. We go to YouTube. What's your web page? My website is siripornstar.com, all together. And we can find you doing things to penises there. Exactly. And, Mick, where do we find you doing things to penises? Nowhere. There's a couple Polaroids I made sure were eliminated from the files. Stand-up tour. Ah, yes, October 2nd, 3rd, and 4th coming up all throughout Texas, Houston, Arlington, and Corpus Christi. And you can go to the website. You go to RealMick.com. RealMickPholey.com, and you can find out where Mick's going to be in a town near you. I absolutely love to suck cock. That was taken out of context. I can never run for Congress now. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm ruined. I am ruined. It's called a legacy. It's called a legacy, Mick. Wait, play that again. You know what? That's the same trick they played on me when the rock. The rock played a recording of me saying the words, I quit, in that infamous match. Remember? Sure. Don't you do this to me, Carolla. Oh, it's been done. It's been done. Son of a bitch. And all the chairs are nailed down here, bucko. Carpet and squares. Stamps.com. That's not fair. Stamps.com's the fairest thing I can ever speak of. Forget the post office. That's my professor, Henkel, by the way. That's not fair. All right. Us. Something tells me. That's the only part of the interview that WWE is going to become aware of. Great groups. Thank you for ruining my life. Brad Williams and all of us in Ventura coming up Tuesday night. Come say hi. We'll have some Mangria there. Minneapolis Varsity Theater, Friday, the 27th of September. Two shows. Tickets going fast and all that as well. All right. You go online. You can find out where we're doing our Mangria signings and our live shows and all that happy stuff. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Mick Foley. Siri. And Allison Rosen and Paul Bryan saying, mahalo. All right. That was Adam Carolla Show 1169 with old Cactus Jack himself. Coming up next, we have Adam Carolla Show 1173 featuring Peter Pardini, The Tweet of God, David Wilde, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2013. David Wilde, good to see you, my friend. Good to see you, sir. Allison Rosen, good to see you. Hello, Adam Carolla. Paul Bryan. Many people, including Francisco Murphy on Twitter, wanted to hear that. Hashtag top drop. Wait, who was that? Oh, that was- Diamond Dallas. No. Oh, sorry. You're way off. Mick Foley. Another wrestler from the 80s. Sorry. David Jaberbaum is here. He has brought his friend, God. Good to see you, David. Good to see you. The Tweet of God is the name of the Twitter that's taking over the nation, baby. Over one million followers. The book, The Last Testament, a memoir by God. And David, now, David, did you work with David on the Gram, no, no, no, the Emmys? Yeah, I worked with David Wilde on the Emmys this weekend, and we got to talking. I told him I was working or had worked with God on his last book, just doing some punch-up on the jokes, and David found that. uninteresting and he thought maybe you'd find it interesting i figured i've dropped big names but if i could get not only dj who is in his own right one of the funniest greatest writers in america of he's won 5 000 emmys is that the current total i've done okay yeah he's done okay and he is you know but i figured if i could name drop and bring god into the show you know sure there would be two guys who think they're god in the studio we'll bring him up in a second um and uh dj as can i call you dj absolutely brag a little about yourself to our to our listeners accomplishments shows you've worked on things uh i probably best and i spent 11 years at the daily show with john stewart i was a writer and then i became a head writer then i became ep and i was there i got there shortly after john got there and i was there for you know the whole run which being inside the bubble we didn't really know much about we were just too busy making the show but uh we were very successful and and it was a great time and john is a amazing boss is it true did they win 10 years in a row and they won 10 years in a row in the category of best variety show until this weekend when uh sort of the the next generation colbert won right now now makes you wonder is he gonna go 10 years in a row or it's entirely possible it's entirely possible it's a shame i mean there's so like every that category is so stacked like every show is really genuinely really good yeah and it's crazy that they do so many you know they do daily shows but they just submit one episode which i always sort of forget about which in a way isn't fair that's true for all the categories they always have to submit one at like best directing you know when really it's sort of a general feeling of the entire season what it should be that was always a dilemma for us what show do we submit because there's no one show representative of the entire year how was yeah i mean obviously you can pick what you think is your strongest and put your best foot forward but it's really the fact that you're churning out that kind of comedy on a pardon the pun daily basis that's the tall order you know that's the part that makes saturday night live tough is that you're doing sketch comedy every single week right versus when you go to groundlings you put a show together every six months or second city or something like that you work these you work these sketches and you find moments and you sort of treat it like a gin rummy hand you toss out the stuff you don't need you keep the stuff that's working and after about six months these things really start to take shape but if you just did it once threw it out did it once threw it out again sort of like having sex with the same drunk person just once right and then moving on to another drunk person how good would it ever really how would your chemistry and your flow i mean it'd be awesome it'd be an awesome wait a minute you know what it's a horrible example it'd be the fucking greatest life ever new drunk chick every single weekend no but the you're drunk too yeah i'm drunk yeah i'm more i just fucking booted in her cooch point is this you just would never be as good as you would be if you had a couple of reps like uh new quarterback with a new receiving core something like that that's what i mean exactly it's an ongoing thing it was like you know it's an assembly line but the quality of the show is a tribute to the quality of the process of making the show and that really evolved over time and john was instrumental in sort of shaping the day so that you know it's at this point it's a very well-oiled machine john oliver stepped in for the summer and that demonstrates the show is still fantastic with a different host because of the machinery of the show that john has really helped shape behind the scenes for the last over a decade the hardest part is starting a show and it's the part that's most scrutinized and the part it's the part where it's like you're setting up a factory and you got your loading dock and you're shipping and you're receiving and your conveyor belt but everyone's trying to trying to kind of figure out where do we put the pallet jacks where do we put the merchandise where do we put the conveyor belt where should the ups truck pull up and it's it takes a good two years to get everything lined up but it's during that first month when all the network cunts and assholes are standing around just tapping their toes with their arms folded going what's going on my package didn't arrive and you're like uh uh it's the last thing you need really what you need at that point is everyone just to clear out and let you get your factory up and running i can speak to that i'm doing that right now i'm starting a new show it's going to launch in a month on a new network called fusion and i can't discuss it too much but i can tell you that literally today i spent half an hour where you put the index cards of material and just saying i think i want a tape line there and a tape line there and we'll divide those like just thinking about like how they wanted the board to look and that's like you know it's so important psychologically yet so superficially stupid but nobody understands that in season four season 10 when you have all your bits it becomes about filling out the board but you're filling it out with stuff that you know or that you've done yeah it's like a morning radio show you have your your blah blah blogs and your uh baldy woods the great great great bits the legend of the franchise the franchise bits right once you submit for awards when you just start the first week it's like i don't know what do you want to do i don't know uh so you guys work just got back from the emmys right well it didn't take us four days to get back no no how did how'd it go how did it feel how how was it backstage what was the vibe what was going on i think it was really funny it's i was you know just just hanging out with with other comedy writers and shooting the shit as as we want to do is just you know i like i love that adam knows it well you in fact you did he's last year right with jimmy yeah i didn't do anything i just i just sat in the writer's tent or whatever there's a sort of a little the hang duveteen in a box and you have a monitor and you just stand there and see how the bits went and then you try to write little in between jokes but they never use them and so you end up really doing nothing i did it once this is how i knew uh dick clark was losing it uh which is i was standing in that same little duveteen tent good name for asv by the way and i was you're just sitting there watching the monitors like right off stage you got to be as close to stage as possible because that's kind of where the talent or the person that's hosting the show that's that's where they stage up so to speak they wait there then they go back on and you go oh say this or do that and i was just standing there in the tent and uh the duveteen tent i think jimmy was hosting the i don't know american music awards they're one of those and dick clark just threw the the tent curtains open he looked at me and he said jimmy get out there i was wearing like you know flip-flops i i was like uh i'll go out there but i'm not jimmy and uh that's when i knew maybe maybe the man had lost lost his fastball at that point he's hosting in heaven now yes that's right he's doing a wonderful job hosting in heaven and he'll be uh he'll be missed by uh immediate family all right uh jimmy thank you so much jimmy thank you jimmy thank you jimmy thank you jimmy thank you jimmy thank you so um yeah i thought the uh emmys were good i i my question a little bit uh as far if i could critique it a little bit everyone else has what i was saying and i don't i haven't read any reviews i haven't heard anything uh about how it went but uh 35 up that's the bottom line the uh the ratings huge huge ratings biggest success since 19 2000 2005 or something yeah up 35 from last year yes oh shit i mean good for you but you know jimmy you're thinking about jimmy um i thought the opening was going to be some big splashy number and that's kind of what i was looking forward to i didn't get that i thought the beginning was funny but i wanted billy crystal on a horse neil neil deliberately decided not to do that because he had done that at the tony's this year which are not nearly as well watched as the emmys obviously but he did this incredible huge spectacular opening number and he had decided that like he thought it'd be too predictable to do that at the top of the show too predictable and also too maybe redundant so he wants to take it a different direction he's like i don't want to give him what they want twice well he gave it to him in the middle of the show with a song a brilliant song that was a funny song in the middle of the show yes and uh i agree i also just because it's the way i'm wired is uh i secretly just think he's being lazy all right um now we're we're told uh you uh know god well and uh you brought him in personally as uh is that true david dj should i say uh yes i am lord by god king of the universe great to be here good to have you guys sorry about the whole atheist thing but you know i'm back barely uh-huh should the reverb be on my mic as well no okay all right well maybe listen is this a mirth to you this is not a mirth no no i i this is not mirthful at all i thought that there'd be much more mirth involved this is minus mirth but um i appreciate you swinging by the studio good to see you jesus christ always a pleasure for guys millions of years old you really thanks always a pleasure first uh long time first time you and madonna you don't age man i gotta tell you right now i just turned infinity wow i'd love to see that fucking cake a lot of candles oh man you have to whip up uh just a gale force winds to put that baby out huh that's when the the omnipotence really comes in handy out of it oh yeah you know it's i think this is a good promotional opportunity for you that uh i believe god just had some for the first time oh really yes what do you think i think i created man but adam carolla created man that's good yeah mangria yum i uh i've always called it nectar of the god not god it's just the god the one god you i you who i had in mind adam i see everything i know that's bullshit oh wow wow you allowed to use that kind of language again god right right right right right it's passed you could do you're kind of you're almost like frank sinatra i don't have that big an ego but i'm yeah i'm right yes what's going on uh in the middle east crazy isn't it crazy yeah crazy stuff no i know i know what do you what do you think should we go should we fire up the drones you know if i could do it again adam i wouldn't have a middle east i have a europe and there'd be an asia and an africa and then some sort of big vortex yeah why that weird dog run in the middle there i don't i i don't know yeah yeah yeah yeah no that's i mean obviously hindsight you know god sight 2020 but if you walk around the middle east and you you walk around the sand you see why everybody wants it it's just so beautiful all those endless dunes and and lovely heat it's just a great place to be no no i i i agree it's it's it's it's it's really like the the world's worst golf course if you think about it but the the so the drones in a weird way that's uh it's a little bit weird but it's a little bit weird but it's a little bit hellfire from above do you know what i mean do you do you feel like in a way there's you're kind of being ripped off by those predator drones i mean that's kind of your job to hover around up top and take care of the evil three words adam sodom and gomorrah you'll recall the fire the brimstone out of nowhere raining down from the sky i think it's a copyright infringement i glad you agree i feel like it's very similar what am i going to do i'm i'm just one god yeah yeah and i feel like all the good attorneys are in hell so you're never going to get any kind of representation the plus side is all the all good attorneys are also by chosen people so i'm oh right right right yeah so uh middle east what should we do should we get in there and uh send the marines in and let you sort them out i never really thought about that without giving too much away i would just say let it ride for another eight months two weeks three days 22 hours and 12 minutes and then then all will be revealed oh you mean something big's coming again no spoilers but something oh interesting hmm oh oh um a couple of questions why did everyone love that fucking movie drive so much i think it was such a piece of shit again i don't i don't want to use you know profanity in front of you but obviously i'm omniscient but remind me ryan gosling ryan gosling oh yes bad career move i love ryan by the way he's one of my beautiful 40 minutes of him fumbling around with a toothpick and not saying anything and pouting yeah and but while we're on the subject if you're going to remake the getaway which i know you're a big fan of cars i mean what a what a horrendous piece of excrement yeah remake was no i i i i concur i'm just saying you know i you know the thing was sitting at about 90 95 with the top critics over at rotten tomatoes it just again it just seems like the work of the drive was yeah yeah that's that was my reaction it was i to earth pardon the pun a little bit and what some of your other big questions like john mayer no that's about a big question oh yeah no the drive's pretty big but yeah john mayer douchebag or not that these are some of the first questions i was going to get into with you though i'm glad you went to the big stuff right away yeah uh john mayer douchebag or not long answer no person can be reduced to one label i've made all human beings to be very complex creatures that have many layers of interdependent traits uh short answer yes totally okay all right good i knew it i knew it yeah yeah that's that's the way that that's the way i always felt what are you whining about you know you have you have katie perry you have every chick in the world and you're still writing these songs about how miserable your life is grow up yeah yeah no i i agree but but listen god i you know i'm not i didn't come here to argue with you but but i do want to say this god may need a little uh freshening up on his mangreer yeah again loving loving the mangreer thank you and i just i know you're here to promote me but i just have to do you a solid and tell you this is some excellent excellent uh liquor look i don't again i don't feel like you know maybe other than like i don't know lebron james i don't feel like i could get a better endorsement for this product and again nothing nothing against you but he's a guy's universally love there's always a little dispute with you you know what i mean can you turn can you turn water water into mangreer that would be awesome you know what kind of cost you could save me if you could just turn tap water into mangreer you're thinking about junior i i don't i don't do that kind of stuff i i prefer working in mysterious ways and that's only even when i bother to work at all which is often these days not as much as i used to what is your schedule i like to wake up around 9 9 30 usually try to take in an 18 quick 18 i love golf taking up golf lately and one of my favorite things in the world is just when you're on the course and you just you know you have a lot of bad shots you have a lot of bad moments on a golf course but when you're on the course and you just you you just send that perfect lightning bolt down to strike the golfer ahead of you and kill him just that one moment yeah makes the whole thing worthwhile you know it's just that one moment you forget about all the bad stuff the bad shots just remember The smell of the burning flesh of the man. And it's just wonderful. Do you ever have a situation where you're like out there with Abe Lincoln and Anne Frank or somebody like that? First of all, you're making some assumptions about Abe Lincoln and Anne Frank. Oh, whoa, wow. No. Really? Anne Frank? I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying don't presume to know what's going to happen. Yeah, no, no. Understood. Understood. But I'm just saying, let's say you're just out there with somebody. Sure. Is there ever a situation where you guys get back into the cart? I don't know if, in fact, you use a cart to get around when you play golf in heaven. But you get back in the cart, and you're marking down a five, and Abe leans over and goes, five? I said that. Well, first off, it was a three putt, and it took you a three to get onto the green. Has anyone ever questioned you that way? Well, Abe does. He's called Honest Abe, and he is very honest about that kind of thing. I do get confused. I get questioned sometimes, and I laugh it off the first time, and then the second time, and then the third time, you know, I have to actually send them to hell, at least temporarily. Oh, yeah, because I didn't know about that. You can. I mean, what I'm saying is, you know, can you change your mind? Yeah. Does the St. Peter's Gate swing both ways? I don't mean that in a sexual way. Right. You know what I mean? Now it sounds like I'm talking about St. Peter and his proclivities. By the way, St. Peter's a great—he's the best doorman. You could possibly have. He's just really good. I make sure I tip him very generously. Yeah. No, I'm just saying, can you—I never really thought about this, but can you get into heaven? Like, you know, they say, like, look, all right, look, you're a 12-year-old kid. You're riding around on your Schwinn. You get clipped by a gardening truck or something. You're going to heaven. You wouldn't go to hell at that point. You've not done anything wrong. Now you go up to heaven, and puberty kicks in. Turns out you're a little snot-nosed shit. You run around. You're, you know, smashing mailboxes with a baseball bat, getting into trouble, TPing God's house or something like that. And then, you know, hit the hatch at a certain point. It does happen. It has happened. The only rule we have in heaven is no roughhousing. Oh, really? That's the only rule we have. And it's a vague rule because I want some leeway to make a subjective decision. So is there a lot of take it outside? Yes, although substitute hell for outside. Oh, okay. Take it to hell? And then you get a sense of what's going on. Right, right. I like the horseplay, too. Oh, by the way, I got to say, I was driving around, and I passed a house in my neighborhood that had been TPed. Oh, like yesterday, today? Yeah. Nice. Yeah. And my wife said, oh, that's sad. And I said, sad? I think it's kind of cool. And she said, what? I said, it's quaint. Yeah. Like, now everyone is, you know, everyone is just like, I don't know, smearing feces on front doors, or they're taking videos. They're taking videos of people twerking and throwing them up and writing horrible things about them. The TPing, it seems very back to the future to me. It's delightfully harmless. Yeah. Okay, this is good to know, because as a solid to you, I was going to smite them and send them to hell. No, no, no. If you're cool, forget it. If you're cool with them, then I'll just, I'll let the boys know. And you're far too humble to make note of this, but when I met God with David at the Emmys, because God is at all award shows, because he's thanked so often. But it's hard, because they don't. They don't like me in Hollywood, and they really don't like me. Oh, yeah. Never thought about that. No, it's hard. It's hard. And you'd think, with half the people being, you know, my people, you'd think I would be able to get into these things, but it's not easy in Hollywood. I feel, ironically, you probably get thanked the most at the BET Awards, right? I do. The Grammys. The Grammys are where I really get a lot of thanks. People give me shout-outs, and I always think, if I were at the Grammys, if I won a Grammy, I would thank Kanye. But I feel like the, what is it, the Independent Spirit Awards. That's probably, that's where you don't get, you don't, not a lot of tips of the cap at the Spirit Awards. No, a lot of tips of the cap to win friggin' Wenders. Right, but not, yeah, yeah. But the big thing at the Emmys backstage, when I met God, he said, first thing he said was, Adam Carolla, big fan. Wow! I think a lot of people have wondered. Yeah. You don't have to wait for the reckoning. Uh-huh. We know now that God's a fan. Explains a lot. Right. I knew it. Yeah. I knew I was special. Big, big fan, Adam. Really? I go back with you to the Man Show. Wow! I had, as you know, I had the original Man Show, just one man. Right, right, man. And, you know. Right. But I know how hard it can be, so I think, I think you were, you were great. Love Dr. Drew. Yeah. Big fan of Dr. Drew. Yeah. Love hearing him help problems of celebrities. God, being P-whipped, good or bad in your eyes? Because I feel like one could make an argument for it, but I could make an argument against it. You know what I'm saying? And Drew's pretty P-whipped. Oh, I don't, I mean, I don't know. I don't know his wife, except in the sense of knowing everybody, but I don't know his wife personally. Is he, is that the case for him? Well, let's put it, I'll put it to you this way, and, you know, and when I try to explain to people just how P-whipped Dr. Drew is, he graduated and, uh, med school, but USC. His wife went to UCLA. And every year when UCLA plays, I don't know how much you follow college football. I can talk about sports, so I'll show you. Oh, okay, okay. I don't know if you have a team or not. I do. I do. I do. I do. New York Giants, Oakland Raiders. Whoa! That seems weird that you, that you would pick a team that way. No, no. I root for the New York, I root for, I root for individual teams. Uh-huh. And root against others. But I never, I never, ever, ever affect the outcome of a sporting event to determine the winner. Not even the Holy Roller with the Raiders? That was because I only occasionally, on rare occasions, will affect the outcome of a sporting event to affect the spread. Oh. Never the outcome. Right. Never the outcome. But to cover, to cover. Will cover, spread. I don't play dice with the universe, but I do occasionally gamble on football. Right, right. So there was the Immaculate Reception and then the Holy Roller. That's, of course. Explains a lot now. But they changed the rule after the Holy Roller because it was clearly meant to be a forward pass. Yeah, it was a forward fumble. In the sense of, I mean, it's. Van Egan kicked that ball all the way down the field. But, okay, let's not get too serious. But then the Sea of Hands. I mean, that was a miracle. That was a legitimate miracle. Absolutely. Because that guy never caught a ball all year. But, okay, anyway. Enough Raiders history. For a second. Dr. Drew. Here's how pussy whipped he is. He goes to the game. He has to sit in the UCLA side and he has to cheer for UCLA as well. And he does. He went to USC. USC, UCLA. That's one of the biggest rivalries in college sports. And nobody. I mean, Brian. No, it sickens me. It does. Really? It's very upsetting. This is worse than chemo, right? If he lives in Pasadena by the Rose Bowl, if he had chosen UCLA. Just based on no history. But he actually attended one of the schools for a number of years and now roots for the other school. Because of his wife. Yes. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. The pee whipped part. You see what I'm saying? Hey, hey, God, can you help me out? I got to do a live read. Oh, sure. And, you know, I'd really like, you know, I feel like, you know, I'm fairly well respected. But you have, you know, the gravitas of, you know, creating the universe. What is the product? Carbonite. Love carbonite. Yeah, it's backup. It backs up your fucking life. It backs up your files on your computer. Great. Love carbonite. I don't see. Now, that's, I don't need, I have to have an infinite memory. Right, right. Yeah, obviously. That's not a product where I would say, like, I need that. No, no, your file is never filled, so to speak. But you're the only one that doesn't need it. Yeah, everyone else needs backup. I'm one of the rare conscious entities who wouldn't need it. That's correct. Right, right. This is all, by the way, in the copy here. Yes. Yeah, it backs up your files automatically. Brian wrote a book. Oh, God wrote a book, for God's sake. God wrote a book. For his sake. I wrote a book. CeeLo wrote a book with David Wilde's guiding hand, and it all got backed up by carbonite. You have to these days. It's now the point where what's on your computer is much more valuable than the computer itself. So use carbonite. You do it when you're writing a book. You do it when you're doing anything. Pictures, documents, tax, whatever. Whatever. Put up. Back it up, people. And it's 59 bucks a year. This one. Maybe God can help me out with. Do you want me to do, like, say, carbonite in a really God way? Well, first off, I'm curious about this. You can start your free trial now at carbonite.com. Use the offer code ACE and get two free bonus months. But I can never figure out if they add two more months on to the year or it just comes around again. You know, I mean, if they're made up new months or they're just 12 months and you get the two more that begin the next calendar year. You're saying that company, that private company, added two months. Added two months to the actual year. I got to get on the phone with them. I'm not sure how they're doing. But either way, you get two free bonus months if you decide to buy. No credit card required. That's carbonite.com. Offer code ACE. Yeah. Say something good about carbonite. You know, say it in a voice that, you know, would make people really tend to want to go out and get themselves involved with carbonite. Carbonite. Oh, that was good. You just cut and paste that, Adam, and just use that in, like, other clips, obviously. You could do go forth. Thin carbonite. Are you worried, you know, about endorsing things? Like, you know how a lot of celebrities will do commercials, but they'll do them in Japan or Europe so we don't see them over here? Worried about conflicts. Yeah, George Clooney will do a commercial, but he'll do it over in Japan, get his seven million bucks, come back, but he won't have to worry about his American audience. I've reached a point in my career, Adam, where I don't worry much about that kind of thing. You know, I just, you know, God's just going to do what God's going to do. You know, God does his own God thing. One day at a time, huh? You know that God tweets. Oh, yeah, that's what I've heard about. about yes that tweet of god the immediate occasion uh that brings me here is a book promotion that is tied into the fact that the twitter account has just hit a million followers unbelievable so that's as many followers as are in certain sects of the southern methodist synod so i have more followers in that regard i'm certainly way past the amish yeah yeah no you are but and then look i don't want to you know obviously you're celebrating this but considering all your subjects right you know sometimes you hear about a celebrity and you go this guy's you know some band or something i don't know it's like uh when hansen came in here and they're like god those guys sold the 20 million albums and then you go how many twitter followers oh we have 51 000 and you think to yourself there's an unborn kardashian that has a hundred thousand listen no disrespect i'm just saying for the amount of subjects that you have roaming around the earth with uh twitter accounts i just you know millions nice that's impressive i just decided that this time i wanted to really build it by word of mouth because word of mouth when you get that kind of endorsement it's really solid it's not going to erode it's not going to be a flash in the pan thing i've had experiences in the past where i've tried to start religions and there have been all kinds of problems and holocausts and this and that so this time i'm trying to avoid that situation can you get uh david wilde past rick springfield is that the kind of stuff you'd bother with i believe the tweet of god is the only one that could do this i i should explain when i first started coming in here i arbitrarily noticed that i had the same number as our 100 behind rick astley and i asked the viewer the listeners of the adam carlo show the best listeners on earth to get me past rick astley then i looked for who can i go after next to rick roll as it were uh and it turned out rick perry at that point had like two million so i looked at rick springfield who was only like 15 000 i've been trying to get past rick springfield ever since i've been trying to get past rick springfield because i love him and yet he owes me some money really i think you know what happened i know that was unfortunate but you know he has a side of the story too i was there you both have a point okay so yeah i think the tweet of god oh is the only one who could get me past sorry big question what the fuck sorry again with the language god but no it's what the fornicate would be better for me but what the fornicate is going on with passion fruit it just it didn't exist i never heard of it and then once in a while it was at crappy restaurants and then i was like oh my god they're tea and now people tweet me passion fruit soap deodorant beers what what what's going on i don't know if you had a hand in this it doesn't feel natural it feels unnecessary it feels like maybe you're pushing it along a little bit i don't know if you had an agenda i don't want to put words in your mouth but passion fruit went from what's a passion fruit to i need it removed from my fucking life like it is now been injected into almost everything that's on a shelf at a supermarket it's nearly as omnipresent as you see for me yeah for me that's kale your passion fruit is my kale i feel the same way about passion fruit i happen to like passion fruits one of my top two fruits that i created really right up there with the durian which is the one that smells like shit but tastes uh delicious really i do i do regret the name of passion fruit because it sets up an expectation yeah yeah really fulfilled it does not it does not actually inspire it's not like the viagra right produce understood and the rainier cherries that by the way just do that move why don't you do something right in here for the rainier cherries what you got take your take your right arm out for a second just extend it just go ahead and bring it back and just pat yourself on the back just pat yourself just go ahead just pat yourself right on the back for that rainier cherry that's the cherry i know you have a lot of fruit and i don't have a physical presence but oh oh but you know what i'm saying symbolically symbolically pet put the arm out and just stick it right and just pat yourself right on the back for that big plump it's got some yellow in it it's red and yellow i mean it is just god damn oh right sorry it's unbelievable well on the topic maraschino's that's none of mine i that's not you no that's ungodly that yeah it is weird that's not a fruit no that's a candy posing as a fruit you know what i feel like there's more of a 70s sexuality wrapped up in that that fruit than there is an actual taste exactly like putting the cherry in and having the lipstick around and then you like right right pull the cherry off the stem and oh i'm so aroused now yeah it's ridiculous or the chick puts the stem in her mouth ties in and not their tongue and spits it right back onto your face you know what i'm saying yes yeah no i i don't i don't need to hear you know excessive detail about your understood understood understood i know about i've seen your genitals i know what you're working with oh really i've seen i i know many things actually so i don't really need you don't have to say you know what i'm saying to him right i don't care but i know i agree the mayor but i do agree that the maraschino cherry's weak it's sort of the devil's work it's fun i i look i'm not here to defend the maraschino cherry but in a shirley temple but where are you with the weird green maraschino cherry that existed only for about a decade the green maraschino cherry's up there with the blue cotton candy what the f i mean with somebody eating cotton candy going well we got an issue here half of cotton candy's appeal is just the fact that it's pink and it's actually when people go cotton candy pink cadillac elvis gave to his wife or something you know this the color of cotton candy now why in the green that's the worst color ever now the only two things at the bar that's you know you got to pickle the eggs the thing that sat in the big jar of its own brine and now the green that's the only thing that gave the eggs a run for their money in the i don't want this department the great thing about cotton candy is it's great that they can make a children's out of a fabric i think that's a wonderful thing it really does it speaks to man's ingenuity and by extension my own who is the cousin of button candy yeah which is awful oh oh yeah god did you have anything to do with that button candy the stuff that comes on the paper and it's rock hard paper no i delegate most of the candy to the mars corporation oh okay all right subcontracting well god i want to thank you for swinging by i this has really been a treat anytime adam again i think god has a book plug doesn't he i i do have a book plug thank you for reminding me of what i obviously already knew since i am god right yes my book the last test of the memoir by god in commemoration of its million by million follower is on sale this week at kindle and nook and ebooks for three dollars and 99 cents or 72 dollars 72 shekels and 43 shekelettes if you use that particular form of currency yeah i think we've moved on past the shekelettes but either way to me it's still shekels hey uh god can you hang in for one more uh library hey you guys uh i know yeah i know well i know you should treat your body like a temple right uh yes or you know church mosque you know yeah yeah yeah stupa you know whatever whatever religious facility you choose to analogize it with right right yeah and on it o-n-n-i-t.com love on it yeah they make great products like alpha brain hemp force uh protein organic coconut oil coconut oil is my favorite really god's favorite yes yeah god was telling me you anoint yourself in it well no it is it congeals a little bit but if you put it in hot coffee and stir it up in the morning it makes a nice coconut slick on the top very delectable last week we had the ceo in here and he did the primal challenge and in five weeks uh we're going to uh get some results you can uh you can uh basically what on it is done is they got together with joe rogan you like joe rogan i love you're a fan of the ufc like you he occasionally expresses some concern about my existence but oh yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah awkward pendulet i forgot about that right yeah max apata and august and kalen have all uh gotten into this and uh we will check their uh progress at adam carolla.com god thanks for swinging falling pushing through the wall into the studio uh visual you know just appearing but yes my pleasure adam at any time personal appearance nice work and uh i want to thank uh david jab i'll say it right jabber bomb sure thank dj you can call him dj and his uh good buddy bj for coming in here david wild uh david what uh what's your plug i would like to plug the because god is a get at all award shows i think he'll agree i'm what like everyone i'm working on the alma awards which are friday today uh on msnbc 7 eastern 10 western and hosted by one of god's greatest creations uh uh from can you can you guess do you know of course i know but i'm going to let you from desperate housewives eva langoria and see he knows all and mario lopez who also i think you created oh yes don't let eva langoria in when it comes time would you please she's turned into one of these activists where it's all about the latina whatever whatever whatever she's really getting fucking annoying somebody's gotta stop i beg to differ oh my god what what is the almost the latino oh well hold on god the room is spinning listen um i don't know why especially uh on the eve of the feast of the sancinero - I don't know why when you are something and you just make it your life, to just talk about that something. She's here because she's good looking. No other reason. That's it. Now, I don't know what her plan is, but she's turning into the activist and she's this close to joining the ranks in this broadcaster's mind of, oh shit, one of the most obnoxious of them all. Who's the guy who played the big brother in La Bamba? Who's the. Oh God, I have no idea. Oh, I watch it. Isai Morales? Isai Morales. Yeah, God. I know all. Do not, yes. Isai Morales. He's becoming an. He's an activist. It's the worst thing ever. Isai Morales is best known because his first name appears in half the crossword puzzles of the New York Times. ESAI is extremely useful as a crossword constructor. That's what's keeping his career alive right now. I can't contradict you, but I'm pretty sure I remember God loves Eva Longoria. All right, all right. Let's just give her a few years to see where that career goes. And how about that movie she made, Bolting You, where she was like the ghost? That's blasphemy, isn't it? She played her big comedy. She was originally deceased and she like talked to people as a ghost. It was a hilarious movie. The ghost in her? It was a hilarious movie where she was a bride-to-be, was crushed by the ice sculpture, and then when the guy moved on to start dating a new person, she sabotaged it. She would like, it was like. Over her dead body. Over her dead body. Oh, yeah. By the way. Lake Bell. One of the movies where I'm sure they came up with the title first. Of a handful of movies like Face Off, where I'm sure they came, I'm positive they came up with the title and then they wrote a movie around it. The best example of that, Adam, is Poetic Justice. Yes. Which is about a poet named Justice. Yes, I know they came up with the title of Poetic Justice and Face Off before it actually. Were you involved in Oh God with George Burns? Tangentially. I got my hands on the script and I, you know how it is. I added some jokes and some lines. Got punches? You punch up? At the time, I did. You know what was a really surreal movie to watch? Watch the part two one. That was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid. I know, but not now that your brain is fully formed. With the young girl and the young girl is tasked by God to come up with a slogan for God and she comes up with, Think God. Yeah. Just super off the cuff, too. She says, Well, thank God tomorrow. Was that the one where the guy was a rock star? No, John Denver, that's Oh God. That's Oh God, you devil. Oh my God, God. You know so much about your own work. Well, I do Google myself, Adam, and I see what's going on. You have Google Alert? I call it God Google Alert, but yes, I do have that. Wow. Again, a little narcissistic, but I guess we're going to have a nip in it. Is that the one you were talking about? I was talking about the John Denver. Yeah. Oh, God, you devil. George Burns played both God and and the devil. And I believe was it Ken Wall or somebody like that? Somebody there was a generic actor wanted to be a rock and roll star. John Denver. No, the first one. All right. Ken Wall is right now. I'm like in the third one and he's going to make a deal with the devil. I don't think it's Ken Wall. Bill Wall. Whoever it is, whatever it was, I don't know how much coke we were doing back. I don't know how much coke we were doing back. But evidently mounds and mounds of coke because some of the worst ideas ever. Ted was the first three names that I offered were obviously red herrings given to the entire audience. But I know better now. Ted was directed my pilot when I did a pilot for CB, your brain tumor pilots. That was Ted was. Holy shit. Yeah. Ron Silver, I think, played the devil or something. We need the synopsis of this movie. I think he was trying to be a rock star and he's going to make a deal with the devil, which seemed to be a very prevalent theme in the 70s. Phil Rosenthal, the friend of the show and Adams, we had lunch with Carl Reiner like three weeks ago and talked nothing but oh God for two hours. May I read the synopsis as it appears on IMDb? Yes, you may. Yeah. You want to go ahead and curse out the people who are curious? George Burns is back as God, but oops, here he is as Satan too. A young rock star is ready to sell his soul to Satan and Satan is all too happy to oblige. Oops. Seems the fellow was watched over by God as a baby. So now the almighty and his nemesis have to duke it out over the soul. Wow. Now I can't figure out, is that the one where he wanted to be in a rock band or not? Or am I making this up? Young rock star. Oh, it does say young rock star. You know, it's God with all the reverb and stuff. It's just, you know, it's, it's, it's, I'm emotionally. You're kind of in awe of what I'm overcoming. You're hearing it as reverb. It is, it is my authentic voice. No, no, I don't mean, I don't mean reverb, but what I'm just saying is, is there's a, as Drew would say, a basal vega reaction where I'm literally swooning like I'm light headed around you. Can I ask one question to God and then I'll get out of here? Chicago is coming. Well, Lee from Chicago is an incredibly talented musician. I did liner notes for these guys. They're great. Why are, why is Chicago not in the Rock and Roll of Fame? What? Can you fix that? That's an attack. I think because they, half the votes go to Chicago and half the votes go to Chicago Transit Authority. Oh. They split the vote. And they split the vote and they haven't reconciled the two. Once they figure out they're the same band, they will, they will get the votes. Do you like horns? Are they heavenly? Absolutely. I love Chicago. First real rock and roll band that had horns incorporated into the music itself. Yeah. Big fan. They should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I agree. Here's a, here's an easy one. Is Blood, Sweat and Tears in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? No. Absolutely not. What the F is going on with this? Is this an attack against horns? At the very least, Blood and Tears should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yeah. Sweat, not so much. God, can you hang out for one second and just watch something? Well, I have, I have a few things to do. No, understood. There's whatever going on in the Middle East. Take care of yourself. Okay. All right. But we, and now, the, the show you, you, you heard yesterday was us doing a live show in Ventura. And, well, it was funny, God. Listen, I don't, I don't have the premonitions that you have, but we were sitting in the dressing room and we were sitting in the dressing room between shows. We did two shows, early show and a late show. And I think Gary said, you know what happened on the bus with some NFL wideout? Yeah. Jacoby Jones. Jacoby Jones. And you said, what, what happened? Uh, a stripper named Sweet Pea, uh, picked up a bottle of Ace Champagne and cracked him in the head with it. Yeah. And I said, uh, black chicks can be crazy. You got to watch out. That was, uh. No, I, I totally forgot about that. That's, that's, that's what I said. It's not a conversation we have often. Very infrequent. But. It's like every third live show. It's not like every night. Yeah. It's not, it's, it's maybe 25% of the time, but I said, you got to watch out. Cause, uh, you know, the brothers get a lot of crap for shooting each other, but quietly the black women, they'll cut you. I think you said if you're going to get cracked over the head with a bottle of champagne, that's who it's going to be by. It's going to be by black stripper. And, uh. I think that's in the older New Testament. I can't, I always get those two confused. Smash cut to us on stage, uh, half hour later, black chick going crazy in the audience. Now, uh, she was drunk. Very. Are we sure? Evidently. We're on something. You know, here's the whole thing. I've had enough experience with booze where I realized that people don't need to be on anything. And the part that always drives me nuts. Well, we'll, we'll show you a little clip. God, you can tell me she's one of your children or not. Um, they're all my children. Oh, no, I understood. But this one, you may want to think about, you know, putting, putting in a foster care. That's all I'm saying. We probably have a little, we took a little, took a little, little cell phone action of this. This is as she's getting kicked out. She's already away from me. Right. This is out. Outside of the club. That's Mike. She's in the, on the balcony outside the club at this point. Right. Right. What? I must be talking about Brad Williams. By the way, there's an audience laughing in the background. So clearly a handful of people find you funny. In case there's a liability. All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, the thing that's interesting and I, a couple of things, God, I have questions for you about this. First off, at a certain point when she was standing up and spinning around in the club and yelling at me, and then they were yelling at her, she had to get out of the club. I just kept saying, all you have to do is sit down. And finish your drink or finish your nachos. We can get on with this. You don't have to be booted out of this club. I, it's, it's a weird thing. And I know this is alcohol and I know this is when you're a part of the pun blacked out, but her whited out husband was standing up like yelling at the bouncers. Well, and all he needed to do, and this is what drives me insane. Where are the dudes? God, tell me where you come down on this. I've had this happen many times where the chick gets drunk and I don't think the chicks hold the booze as well as the dudes. Maybe they're not quite as. used to being shit-faced, as we are. But they stand up and they start whatevering, and then when the bouncer comes around, their husband and or boyfriend, who should be saying, honey, sit down, you're going to get us tossed out of this club, stands up and starts yelling at the bouncer. That's the part that's weird to me. I don't get it. If I went to a club, my wife Lynette just got shit-faced and just stood up and started screaming at Rob Schneider up on stage and made a complete ass of herself, and the bouncer came around and said, look, we're going to boot you out if you don't sit down, I wouldn't stand up and start fighting with the bouncer, I would tell her to sit her ass down. I'm surprised you guys went to see Rob Schneider. Comedy store. Oh, yeah. A few nights ago. I was there. A few nights ago. Were you there? Great gig, absolutely. He's everywhere. He did this thing, and I know you're going to roll your eyes. Rob Schneider and friends. Right, that's right. That's right. A spade came up and did it in just a few minutes. He does all the accents. It's funny. But anyway, the point is this, I would tell her to sit the fuck down, not stand up and start yelling at the bouncer. Why are you yelling? I'm yelling at my wife, who's standing up and causing a scene in the middle of this club. There were many off-ramps on the road to being kicked out. They had many chances to just sort of cool it and stay and enjoy, but they chose to escalate quite a bit. She kept yelling, I can take a joke so I can stay. That's what she kept saying over and over. I can take a joke so I can stay. And then Adam would say, you can stay. You just have to stop talking. Just sit down and you can finish. And then the bouncer would come over and her husband was yelling at the bouncer. The whole time, which, yes, you're right. You're exactly right. Your job is, I want to stay on this highway of comedy known as Adam Carolla. There are many off-ramps. We can just pass by them, but no, we're going to take- It's congested, but you know what? We're not in a hurry. We're going to take every single one of them. Now, meanwhile, this woman is six foot in heels, and she's scaring me a little bit. And all I got is Brad Williams in between me and her, in which case, all I can do, and again- He's a dwarf. He's a dwarf. Oh, God, no. Obviously, we're going to have to tell God. I'm this close to just picking him up by his keds and start spinning him like a helicopter above my head. I'm going to use him like a mace. I think he'd be into that. I'm just saying, Brad Williams, there's only one way to really use a dwarf when a drunken woman of color is coming at you, and that's as a projectile, yes. Well, he has a disproportionately large head, so you almost have to use him as a mace. Right, right. But either way- Trivial force. It would be the kind of thing where- That went a little too far. I do kind of wish Brian Posehn was guesting with us that night. Just get a little flesh between me and the gal. When will Brian Posehn find the romantic leading role that is destined for him? Oh, I know. I keep saying. And, you know, I mean, there's- What's his name from King of Queens, for Christ's sake? Kevin James. There's Kevin James getting all this work over there. All right. So, God, did you create her in your image? Yes. And is she getting into heaven? Yes. Don't comment. All right. But obviously, she didn't get back into the club. No. And is it true when the guy was saying, Adam's not really that funny, you don't have to go back in? You know, there's a part of me that kind of goes, you know, maybe the sober guy, maybe he was the voice of reason over there. No, I think you're often somewhat funny. Wow. That really just went south. It started off so good, you know? No, some of your- Earlier stuff? Are those moments- Yeah, some of the- I like you, Adam. Okay. All right. Nothing specific, but- But do you think he's funny? You don't think I'm unfunny. No. Well, there. There's a best of package, very- I could probably be put together. A solid 10. I'm going to need you to write me a foreword for my next book. Sure. If that's something you could do. Don't pull out the quill yet, but when it comes time. Sure. Just pray to me in a few weeks. Oh, okay. I can't now, but- Right. Just send me a prayer? All right. Or pray to your publicist. Better. Probably better. Pray to my publicist. My angels will call your people. DJ, everybody. The voice of God. The tweet of God. The Last Testament. A memoir by God. And, of course, David Wilde, the CeeLo book. Where the hell are we? Ah, everybody's brother. And the album works that you were trying to- That God wants everyone to watch. That's right. Tonight. That's- On MSNBC. That's right. But if you're not Latin, you don't have to watch, right? Yes, you do. Well, why? I thought her whole thing was, this is her cause. That's why you have to watch and learn. Except for God. But if she's going to just pick up her cause, then I'm just going to watch shows about white people. Okay, you don't have to watch. God won't watch. All right, so anyone who's Latin, watch. But if you're not, do not watch. Well, David Wilde's involved. He's not Latin. But that's her whole thing. Her whole thing is, I'm Latin, so I'm going to build my whole career around this. Good. If you're not Latin, don't support her. Does that make sense? I think I have to get Eva Longoria in to discuss this with you. It's the only thing you can follow up God. It's going to be God, Eva Longoria, then Elvis Costello. I've never seen anyone look more Hispanic than you, David. Please. All right. Give Eva one more plug. I'll let people go watch your show. All right. So, we'll take a quick break. It's all Chicago next. We'll be right back. And I loved it. But it's hard to fuck up because the band is great, and they span so many years. Well, you still got to edit it. Yeah, no, no, obviously. He could fuck it up. Listen, it's possible. But, I mean, I love all the history. I love all the old footage. I love the beginning part where every band starts off wearing the suits with the ties, doing the covers, and wearing the pom-poms. All made. Right. We did the clubs and suits, and we thought we were going to go to Vegas. And about six months later, we ripped the suits off and started wearing jeans and T-shirts for the next few years. Well, the part where you guys got together and listened to Sgt. Peppers and just went, well, that's what they're doing. We can do it, too. We can do it. And everyone, I mean, I don't know how many people have the Sgt. Peppers sort of story where they went. I guess the comedic version of that. That is sort of like Lenny Bruce. You know, it's like George Carlin's doing a straight act, and then he sees Lenny Bruce doing his thing, and the next thing you know, he's doing a stream of consciousness kind of thing. But there are these folks that created, again, probably Lenny Bruce for comedy, probably Sgt. Peppers for music. Well, we used to do a couple of Beatle tunes in the clubs, and once we started making records, we kept doing the Beatle tunes until people said, how come you're doing Beatle tunes? You've got enough songs to play of your own. Why the hell don't you just do those? 100 million albums sold worldwide, by the way, just to brag a little about Chicago. 18 platinum, 22 gold albums. I mean, un-damn-believable. And Chicago, one of the bands I will not turn a song off for. So even the Beatles, if, let's see, if I hear maybe Helter. Skelter, maybe there's a few songs I'm going to turn off. Eleanor Rigby sometimes gets the knob changed. Not for me. Really? Not for me. Not Eleanor Rigby. But I will, I'll do it with Hey Jude, just because I've heard it enough. You know that I want to hold your hand. And it's seven minutes long. Oh, well, there's a lot of those, a lot of the early sort of love me do kind of stuff. Yeah, I will turn off Chicago. I can still listen to Rubber Soul over and over and over again. Never gets old. But Chicago, I won't turn off. And my dad played the trumpet. So maybe it's just the whole sucker for the horn thing. Is he still playing? Yeah, he plays. That's his love. The flugel. He loves the flugel horn. That's his thing. Like Art Farmer. I don't know why you got to get a flugel. Him and Chuck Mangione. I don't know why you got to get a flugel horn. It's just a trumpet that's harder to carry. I still love your story about him coming to your show and sitting on to the right side of the stage and just sitting there during the entire show. It was really. He was right next to me. That was in Burbank or somewhere. Valley Village. The El Portal. Yeah, it was the El Portal Theater. And my dad, I should have known because he said, where are you doing stand-up? And I said, why? You've never been to one of my shows your entire life. And he said, you're playing out in the El Portal? And I said, yeah. And he said, maybe I'll come on out. And I said, really? I've never heard this request from you in my life. I've done 500 stand-up shows. And he said, maybe I'll bring my trumpet. And I went, all right. Now this is making sense. And then I said, go out there. Go out there, Dad. Play your trumpet for like 10, 15 minutes. And then when we're done, clear out. You're the opening act. And by the way, I'm going to be telling jokes about titties and God knows what else. Oh, yeah. And maybe some shit about you, old man. Clear out. And he took his chair and he picked it up and he moved about 18 feet to the left. And he sat down. And I had to do an entire sort of adult show with my dad. The only thing worse than that was. I played a show in Portland once and my nieces and my stepsister and everyone were all coming out. And, you know, when you're doing a stand-up act and it's 90 minutes and half of it is balls deep and this hooker or whatever it is, you go, what show are you guys coming to? And they go, we're coming to the first show. And you go, all right. And so I edit out all the jokes from the first show and then I go up to the green room after the first show and now the sold-out second show and I go, all right, you guys have a good time? Oh, we just got here. So now you've got to edit again? Yes, now I have to edit again. So the documentary is going to be, I saw a rough cut. It was great. When is it going to be or supposed to be finished? Well, we still need to do several interviews with, you know, people from the band's history. Who might possibly want to do it or not. All right. So we're working on that right now and getting people lined up to do interviews possibly beginning of 2014. So we'll be editing it from then on out. I did not know the whole, and you wouldn't think of Chicago and Jimi Hendrix, you know, crossing paths, but out at the Whiskey A Go-Go back in the day. And he took you guys out on tour, right? He did. He took us out on one of his last tours and that gave us our foot in the door, so to speak, for the business, for the arena business. And Janis Joplin also took us out that same year. Could you smell impending, impending doom when it came to either one of those two? Did they? No, I loved what they were doing. I mean, it was great. But did it seem like, oh, Janis, easy with the Southern Comfort, sweetie. You're going to kill yourself, like. Well, it's quite possible that it could have happened at any moment because she always had a bottle in her hand. Right. But with Jimi, we admired Jimi and his playing. He was tired of what he was doing. And so as far as impending doom, I wasn't quite sure that that was going to happen, but he felt like he needed to find, he needed to find some new licks. Here's an interesting philosophical question that you'll never be able to answer, but I'll pose it anyway. I'm thinking about Jimi Hendrix, right? 27, I guess, when he died. That's all he was? That's all he was. Oh, my God. 27. And Janis Joplin. And Janis Joplin. And Jim Morrison. And Kurt Cobain. And Kurt Cobain. All right. Did any, all right. And at least probably the Cobains, and certainly with Jim Morrison, and as you see in the documentary with Jimi Hendrix, almost tired of what they were doing, feeling like they were kind of forced to do it because that's the character they created, wanting to basically grow a beard and get fat, move to France and get out of it. And how much of death is really just involved with you going, well, I'm done. I mean, even at 27, I'm kind of done doing what I wanted to do. You know, you hear those stories all the time where it's like, oh, they were married for 57 years. He died. And two weeks later, she died. Like she had nothing left to do anymore. But that's also given themselves, no thought of there's something else in life besides what I've created. I just wonder, cosmically, your life force. Like when you're Jim Morrison and you just go- You think they shot their wad and then were done that young? I don't, I don't think they went, I wish I was dead. I'm just going in a weird sort of cosmic way here now that God has cleared out. I can start talking like an atheist again. God was here? Did I miss him? He was in, well, he was close to you. He hovered above your stool. No, I think I get what you're saying, that they, that they had sort of given to culture their, they'd made their contribution and then it was as if they were done, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like they're the people who, I don't know, I'm sure Ryan Seacrest will be annoying us in his 90s when he feels like there's more work to do. You know, there's another Kardashian special to produce. You know, like Joan, I'm trying to think of a female comedian. Joan Rivers. Like Joan Rivers, not done. No, she's never done. Well, the inverse. Oh, she's 90 years old. She never stops telling jokes. Like, she never slows down. I feel like Kurt Cobain was like, I'm done. I think the inverse might be. Oh, he definitely was done, but I mean. Yeah. Had they still been really strongly invested in their art, maybe they wouldn't have died. Right. Like that, the sort of, it's like, which came first? Well, I think for sure if Jim Morrison said, I'm going to stick around in L.A. and we're going to do the best album, the best album yet for our sixth album or whatever it was. Well, overdosing doesn't help either. Right, but overdosing is a product of going, you know what, I'm going to France, I'm going to get in a tub. Well, it's like, did the addiction make them lose interest in what they were doing or did losing interest allow the addiction? Well, I mean, Drew would say the addiction took root and then everything went to shit. I wonder, though, creatively, if some people, you know, when I was 27, I'd not, I hadn't accomplished, I hadn't accomplished anything creatively. So there was much, that was not the time to O.D. Now, you know, I could leave. But back then. A couple years ago. Well, not tonight, but let's, the day is young. The point is, is I had a lot of stuff to do. I get the feeling like Jim, Jimi Hendrix, as he was at least describing it to the guys in Chicago, was kind of going, I'd like to get off this treadmill a little bit. Yeah, you know, come up, figure out a way to come up with something different, something new. Right. That he hadn't done. And, but maybe he felt like he couldn't, or they weren't going to let him do it. That's quite possible. All they wanted is more of him. Because now, it's funny you say that, because now with the internet age, this new wild, wild west that we're all aboard on, we can do pretty much anything we want. We just have to work a little harder to get it. We have to buy the equipment, which we have to go on the road with us. And we can, we can record anywhere in the world, any hotel, any, you know, ballroom, whatever. Speaking on the road, when you got, I don't know, do you live in Southern California? I live in Sedona, Arizona. Smart. I love that place. I moved out of LA in 2005. You want to go where the action was. If you can make it there. Forget this cow town over here. Let's get to Sedona. But I got to apologize because a few weeks ago, you guys were playing the Greek out here. I had made plans to go with our own Mike August, the stone Pelican and take the wives out and go see Chicago. I, because I was going to perform at the Wiltern the following night and do nothing but travel every weekend and perform every weekend. Just said, fuck it. I'm staying home on a Friday night. You go on without me. He went on without me and then went on to explain it. Al Pacino came out on stage and did one song nine times or nine different songs. We got a lot of audience reaction. Right. Plenty of audience. What was that? What was the story behind that? I saw him and I might could film the Jumbotron, but that's, that's as much stories I got out of it. We had, we had done a movie for Larry David, clear history for HBO and the same producer, Monica Levinson was doing the new movie with Al Pacino. So he plays a, he plays an aging rock star and they asked if they might be able to come to the show. And film our audience. So our manager said, yeah, the Greek theater said, I'm not so sure. Yeah. I mean, they were trying to keep the cameras from going out on stage. Right. I mean, there was Greek was the Greek was, why was the Greek doing that? I have no idea because they're the Greek and we're not, I guess. Yeah. These, a lot of these theaters, by the way, have a lot of like, you can't record stuff here. And if you do record stuff, you have to pay us a whole shitload of money. We're doing symphony shows like that right now where they, you know, we bring the camera, Peter comes out with the camera and they go, you have to pay the musicians and the union and the stage and the thing. I know, you know, it's crazy. We had a thing back in May where we were filming and it was me and two other crew members and they wanted to be paid for, they wanted to be paid for crew members that wouldn't be working. They said, we want this much money. And I said, Oh, so you're going to have some union members are going to help us set up. They're like, no, you're just going to give us this much money. The theater. And you guys know this, you're better than I do, but the theater business is insane. There's some theaters where you can play a 2000 seat theater and you can get it for six grand a night. And then there's other places where it's $40,000 a night, New York. And by the way, sorry, sorry, Chicago, but I'm going to Waukegan, Illinois, Waukegan. Yeah. And that theater is 40 grand. Which one? The Genesee? Genesee. No kidding. We play there all the time. You probably sell a couple more seats than I do. I don't know. Well, let's put, let's put it this way. You sell it out, right? Yeah. Okay. That's more. We've been doing good, but I think I might be up to 1500. So we'll see what we can do. You talked about not being able to come to the Greek. That happens to us all the time. We would like to go see someone else's show, somebody that we would admire and they're in the same city with us, but we can't because we're working. You're playing that night too. And you're working and it's good to be working. I'm going to tell myself that when I go out to Waukegan. So Al Pacino, now, are you friends with Al Pacino? Uh, acquaintances. Hey, Al, right. And he comes out and does he do a good job saying, Oh, he did great. Well, singing not so much, but he does, you know, he doesn't have to, he's Al Pacino for Christ's sake. And do you know any of the story or when it's coming out or anything? I don't. Anything about that? I don't know. I think there's probably still filming or editing or whatever happens that, you know, and the thing with movies is they, you don't get the reaction until six months later. seven, eight months down the line, You don't know what people are going to think of it. You can put $200 million into it. First day it comes up, that stinks. I can't believe you did that. Or, that's the best movie I've ever seen in my life. My God, this is great. And they make $800 million. Well, or you, like me, do the voice of a donut and you forget you even did it. And then the movie comes out seven months later. What does a donut sound like? It sounds like me, actually. I don't have a lot of range, but I was in Wreck-It Ralph, the movie. Oh, yeah. I completely and utterly forgot that it even did it because a year later it comes out. And to me, it's one afternoon on one Wednesday for two hours at Universal. And I forgot. You just move on. I didn't know what they were talking about. All right. So the documentary is coming out when the documentary comes out. Next year. I'm assuming it's the same thing for you with the Paul Newman thing, right? Yeah. I'm working on it. Paul Newman racing documentary. And I, oh, there's me. I'm the tall one. You know, I tell people the same thing with everything. Like, when I'm redoing a house, which I'm apt to do, they go, how much and how long? And I go, as fast as I can and as inexpensively as I can. You don't do it two weeks? But as good as, everything will be the best it can be, as fast as it can be, and as inexpensive as it can be. But it needs to be good. But I don't want to give you six weeks and $100,000 or five weeks and $50,000. It's stupid. I'll just do it the best I can. I'll do it as fast as I can. That's right. Anything creative, it's impossible to give a time how long it's going to take. You know, honey, are you going to be done before dinner? I don't know, hon. I have to go do some editing. I'm not quite sure how long it's going to take. I'll be done when I get here. Right. But, you know, the only thing that really gets you to do that is writing. Writing a book, because they impose a bunch of deadlines. But even then, you can push them off a little. Brian, did you hit all your deadlines when you were writing your book? I did, and they were insane. A normal time for a book is like nine months. And I think I wrote mine in like four and a half, because they put it in the contract, like, we want this book right away. But there was like a 30-day grace period that I could have automatically kicked in. But also, writing a book is also one of those things where it really, it's a little microcosm of what works and what doesn't work. You know, if you get a $500,000 book advance. And they give you the $500,000, you're never going to write the book. It's going right up my nose. And there's going to be a lot of back and forth. And eventually, it turns you involved. They go, we'll give you one quarter upon signing. We'll give you the next one when the manuscript comes in. We'll give you the next one when the thing comes out. And we'll give you the next one when it comes out in paperback. So it doesn't turn into that book that the guy wrote when he was doing The Shining. Right, right. That's right. Jack's a dull boy. DraftKings, baby. Oh, boy. Let's not turn into Jack from The Shining. Jack Torrance. Was it Torrance? Yeah. Wow, look at you. Yeah, a little bit of news with Alison Rosen. You guys hang out, crack wise. The News with Alison Rosen. It's Alison, Alison. And when it's time to wrap it up. She'll sign it off with Zip It Cut. It's Alison, Alison. So a new snazzier $100 bill will be rolled out. It'll enter circulation October 8th. Didn't they just do one a couple years ago? They're doing an even newer, snazzier one. Yeah, this one. It was a company 10 years ago. It has a color-changing inkwell, a 3D security ribbon. I'm tired of 3D, by the way. Yeah, me too. A 3D security ribbon and more texture on Benjamin Franklin's collar. And this is to thwart counterfeiters. Doesn't that look like Monopoly money? It does, because it's got orange on it, yeah. Yeah, it's looking Chinese and weird now. I don't know if I'd be comfortable doing coke from that. I might just get a straw. Well, you can't see if it's rolled up. You're right, but if you roll it backwards and you have Ben eyeballing you, kind of judging what you're doing, and you're like, I'm just doing a bump to take the edge off before I get on stage. Put the edge on. Yeah, I may have said too much. Either way, I don't feel like I have to say anything. I don't feel like I have to say anything. I don't have any relationship with cash anymore. The last bastion of me and cash is parking valets. Everything else, even the parking lot itself is swipe the credit card, get the thing. A lot of times, yes, and tipping, you know what I mean? If you're at a hotel or if you're just a car wash or whatever, tipping, give them a couple bucks, and also tipping. Oh, if you're at a bar and you're in a hurry, like five bucks, I'm not giving them a card, here's a five dollar bill. Yeah, but the real, like, the thing about the tipping is it's great, but I've had it happen many times where I pulled up in front of the hotel, the guy grabbed my suitcase violently from the trunk of the car and started dragging it into the hotel, and I didn't have a chance to go, like, I don't have any cash on me, and then I feel super bad. Yeah, especially because if you, right, because either, usually you, like, a 20 is too much, but one or two feels like an insult. I'm telling you, if people use my idea of perforating the 20, where you could rip off, you know, a corner and just give it to them. And people go, well, what do you do? Well, eventually, when you get four pieces, it's worth 20 bucks. That's smart. I've had lap dances that weren't full 20s, you know what I mean? So you have to hand out tape, too. I have this problem. Oh, like your book advance. Just give them a little 20 at a time. Well, what happens is, honestly, you go to the ATM and you go, what's the max? 300 bucks. You get 300 bucks worth of 20s. Now you have that moment in time before you swing by the Starbucks or wherever you're walking around, which is a wallet full of 20s, and then you pull in the hotel and the guy grabs the Samson. He goes running in with it, and he's standing there, like, panting next to it, and you start thinking, that's an 18-foot walk. Just ask him for a 10 back, or 15. Now we're getting into a weird exchange. This is very Kerber enthusiasm. Yeah, now we're getting into a weird world. Because you don't want to acknowledge that you're tipping. They have changed. It's weird with tipping. You don't want to be like, I would like to give you a tip. Could you break this 20? Instead, it's more of like a sly, like, why is that? Now, here's what I need. I need something. I need something that costs a certain amount, a set amount. Okay, the valet. The valet is $5, let's say, $6, whatever. Now, I have a 20. I'll give the guy a 20 and go, just give me back 10. Yeah. That's fine. Right. But if there's no cost involved, I can't give him the 20 and go, just keep the 20, and I can't ask for change back. Oh, I end up just giving him the 20 for the ride to the airport. But now, everything's 20. I have done both, though. I give him a 20, but sometimes I say, you got a 10. Yeah, all right. They're fine with that. All right, I know. And I know. If you said to them, what would you rather have, nothing or $10? I'm sure almost 80% of them would choose $10. But it's either something or nothing for me, and I have this stack of 20s. But if I could pull off, just like perforated like a stamp, just pull it off and hand him that, lick it, stick it to the forehead. Not in a condescending way. Oh, and then they have to walk around asking people questions about what the denomination is on their forehead. That's right. So I have a relative in the hospital right now, so I've been spending, spending my days at the hospital, and the cafeteria there is cash only. And I have witnessed so many people in line get there with their little tray of salad or whatever, and then freak out over it being cash. To your point about people not carrying cash. Well, not only that, but we're completely fucked up, because the hospital on terra firma is cash only, but in the skies now, it's credit card only. Which I believe, I swear, has to be illegal. I swear if you pull out $10 and go, give me that Michelob Ultra, and they go, no, put it away, we will not. I know that I would win in court, that they would have to take my $10, because it's legal current change. Wasn't it only like three years ago, though, that it was the opposite? Yes, and then there was this weird period where this airline was cash only and this airline was credit card only. A couple of things. You need to have a huge neon sign bigger than the name of hospital food, probably a bad name for a restaurant inside the hospital, but you need a special on Jell-O, lime Jell-O, bottomless Jell-O bowl. Come on down. Chicken broth special. That's right. So you need a big, huge thing that says cash only, because no one's prepared anymore. Everything is just swiping it these days. Cash only restaurant, either really, really good or really, really bad. Rich restaurant, poor restaurant. Kind of. Another thing. Have we talked about before how insulting it is when you pay with something and then the cashier holds the dollar up to the light, holds the bill up to the light to make sure it's not counterfeit? I've had them do the weird move where they rub it like they're an Indian trying to start a cash fire. A Jewish Indian, you know? I haven't seen them do it with ones. Not ones. I mean the bill, not the dollar. Yeah, I've seen them do that. Yeah, that's my racket, man. They got the pen. Yeah. Yeah, and they'll tell you, well, it's not you. You're just- I can get fired. You're just a stooge mule. Sometimes they'll pull this one. It's for your safety. Yeah, it's for your safety. Really? I don't see how that is. I don't know what the rub on the side of the cash register drawer does. Are they just trying to unroll it? I don't know. They're like old-timey black guy shining shoes in movies. Well, that's the move. They snap it over the register. Snap it, you know what I mean? It makes a little bling, you know? By the way, it's got to be great for the- Well, no, actually, this is destroying the cash register door power. polishing industry because the guys who do that are now out of a gig now because everyone's just – they drag it along the side of the drawer. I don't know what they're looking for. Cut to a middle-aged guy looking at chart. We're just not selling as much of this cash register polish as we used to. If that's in a casino, they're doing it so that when they go to the machine, they steal the $100. Oh, yeah. They can put it in and work for it. I had a $100 that wouldn't go into the ATM machine, and I had to take it into a Wells Fargo to ask if it was counterfeit, and they said it was like 10 years old, so it wouldn't even go into the machine. Oh, 10 years. So that was kind of the opposite of it. That's why I was asking, please check if this is counterfeit. I wasn't even spending it. It's really like they're discriminating against the elderly, those cash machines, when they won't take the crinkled bills. They're like, sorry, Grandpa. Come back with your grandson. He's nice, fresh, and crisp. Don't bring your crinkled bingo bills. Don't take your crinkled old ass over here. All right. Where were we? All right. Well, here's a story that I find amusing. A black bear walked into a bar in Juneau, Alaska. This is not the beginning of a joke. And the bartender freaked out and yelled, no bear, get out. No, you can't be in here. And the bear turned around and walked out. Yeah. Wow. Of course, it's a black bear. They're always making a, you know, the whole thing with bears is you're supposed to make a lot of noise. To me, I'd be like, I'm going to eat that guy because he won't shut the fuck up. You know, if I was a bear. You're just a target. Yeah. I just want to come in here and, you know, maybe just get a little vermouth and just kind of forget about my problems. Right. I got the wife and cubs up my ass all day. Just want to fucking chill out here. I got this guy screaming. Right. It's bear time. Trying to puff himself up, make himself big. Yeah. Bear cave. Man, bear cave. Back, you know. And it's got the, it's got the kids, kids toys all over the place. And the bear probably just wanted to chill. I feel like bears do a lot of, I feel like bears do a lot of this. Like, I'm going to leave the cave. Where are you heading? Don't know. Maybe a bar. Maybe a dumpster. Maybe a campsite. Maybe a campsite. Like, they do a lot of. Go with food. Maybe I'll stumble across some hikers and eat them. Like, I'm just wandering. Bears do a lot of. They're really not type A at all. Yeah. They're pretty aimless. They're the opposite of a monorail. They really are. I know it's been said many times. Yeah. They go for picnic baskets. Yeah. They're going to go. They amble. Fuck with the warden. Yeah. They just kind of go. I'll head down this trail. If I see somebody, I'll tell you what's going to happen. They're really in the moment. If I see, if you see somebody, I'm either going to run the opposite way or I'll devour them. Like, it kind of just depends what kind of mood I'm in. Or I'll climb a tree. Or this seems like a good enough place to swat some salmon. Yeah. I'll go down to the river. Like, they're really, they're really, they just have no fucking plan. They need a Siri. It's all about sleep. Do they really like honey or is that just in children's stories? I think they, by the way, I think anyone who's ever been devoured by bears, that's probably their last thought. Like, what the fuck with honey? I'm the opposite of honey. That's this old fucking bowel. Come on. What happened to the honey pot? I saw it in Tigger. What happened to Tigger? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's got to be the last thing that runs through your mind as you're being, you know, eaten by bears. Like, come on. I'm nothing like honey. Opposite. Yeah. I should have worn the kissing potion, but still, I cannot be mistaken for honey. I feel like bears either go, I'm going down to the stream, I'm going to swat at salmon, or I'm going to go to the campsite, or I'll just go randomly break into a parked car. Yeah. And fuck with it. There's a cooler around here I can break into. Yeah. I think there's some frozen meatballs in that person's garage. Yeah. At some point, I'll stumble into a residential neighborhood. Oh, it's trash day. I think it's trash day. I better go check if it's trash day. Shouldn't there be a bear symposium where they go like, look, you know how they do those things where, you know, they'll do those like self-defense classes for women where the guy shows up in the catcher outfit and everyone tries to kick him in the nuts? Yeah. You know? By the way, I don't know if you're ever going to, I don't know if a guy in full catcher's gear is going to do that. I don't know if he's going to attempt to rape you, but I doubt, I think it's pretty low percentage-wise that the guy's going to be wearing a helmet. If Buster Posey comes up to you. If Buster Posey is going to come up to you with the mask still on? All right. But anyway. Buster Posey. I don't, I think. Who is that? A famous rapist? He's good looking. You'd like him. Yeah, but he hits me. You wish, baby. World series rapist. He's got a huge contract. Yeah, no, I'm saying. You should be so lucky. Not that he's going to rape you, but if he is going to rape, he would take the gear off first. First off, it'd be a tell. He'd take off some of the gear. Oh, you know how like when catchers are, there's two outs, catchers on deck, they keep the shin guards on it, they're taking their choice. That's how they rape. I'm just saying, don't get used to fighting off the guys wearing the chest protector, the full head gear. But all I'm saying, if I ran a symposium for bears, you know, and I was like, thanks for having me. Everyone done hibernating? Barely. Is that a joke? No, I'm barely not hibernating. I just woke up. Yeah, but you said barely. I am tired. All right. Sleep inertia. How's smoked salmon? Everyone enjoy that? Quite delicious. Yeah. Okay. They say to open with a joke, but I'm here to talk about a pretty serious topic, and that's us getting shot when we wander places. That is a problem now that you mention it. Yeah. People are freaked out by us, and they shoot us when we wander places, and then at some point, we end up in a tree, and then we get shot. We get tranquilized, and it embarrasses the shit out of us, because we end up on the evening news, because eventually we fall off. And, you know, those fucking firemen, yeah, they do that thing where they hold the net with the trampoline. All we do is bounce off the net, and then land 10 feet over on our fucking head. Like, what? This is really, it's Keystone Cops. Like, you see, look, I'm sorry I'm going off on a tangent here, but what I'm trying to say is, you know, if you're going to catch us, firemen, catch us when you tranquilize us and fall off the tree. Don't have us bounce off the thing you're saving us with. And then have us land on the sidewalk. That's not helping our case at all. Between that and us riding around on the little bicycles and circuses, I feel like they don't respect us. Don't get me started. But the point is this. You want to not get shot, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Stay away from humans. Yes. But here's my rule of thumb. Wait your turn. Here's my rule of thumb. Phil, hold on. Raise a paw, would you please? That's the way we keep things, we keep an order here. Don't just talk out of turn. Don't just growl out of turn or whatever you want. When you, if you're walking. When you're walking around and you feel dirt between your claws or paws. Both. Okay. You're cool. But if you feel a hard black top like asphalt or cement. Right. Turn around and keep walking until you feel the dirt again. More dirt. More dirt. Less asphalt. That will stop you from getting shot. You want to stop your ass from getting shot, stay away from the asphalt. I'm going to make a little bumper sticker thing. I'm writing this down. You shouldn't have to do it because it's clever. Yeah. Besides, I don't know. I don't have a possible thumb, so it's going to take forever. All right. The point is just stay off the sidewalk. You won't get shot. You hit the trail. You don't get shot so much on the trail. Mm-hmm. Okay. I'm trying to think if. That's it. And if people play dead, don't kill them, but fuck them. That's going to leave a mark. And it's going to make for a funny conversation. Bear encounter? No. Why? Just someone else on the trail said you're a bear or is it? No. They were lying. They were lying. Well, yes, a bear came around at some point, but it certainly didn't fuck me. There were tracks. That's for sure. Can't prove the bear actually came up to me. There's definitely no penetration. I can tell you that right now. Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad. Anyone who tries to become bigger than they are, eat them. Fuck those guys. Yeah. But the people that play dead, fuck them. Awesome. And finish in their hair. Anyway. Not your own. What about the lady bears? No. Yeah, that's going to be a simulation. I have a dog, Molly. I've seen her fuck throw pillows. She does it like a dude. Oh, she humps, yeah. Yeah, she humps. She can do it. All right. Where were we? You got another story? NBC is developing a Johnny Carson miniseries. Behind the scenes? It's based on his life. It's a miniseries. Yeah, sorry. A biographical miniseries. I feel like Carson is one of those guys. Where if he was around today, there'd be a lot more shit on him. Like a lot of off-color jokes with Sammy Davis Jr. Lots of boozing, lots of carousing, lots of berating of employees and things like that. Horror stories. There are probably many more Carson horror stories that we don't really know about. Because it was during a day when, hey, Kennedy, go fuck Marilyn Monroe. Johnny, have a couple shots of Johnny Walker. And fuck someone other than your wife. And no one's going to say shit. Was he notoriously hard to work with? Or kind of vindictive? I think he was. Particular? He was kind of an asshole. I mean, I think that was his reputation. I don't know. And again, people are complex. You know, they'll tell you George Steinbrenner was a huge prick. And then someone will tell you, you know, he had a guy who was a back bullpen catcher. And his wife got killed. And George showed up and he gave her a million dollars. And he made sure no one said a word about it to anybody else. He didn't want any credit. You know, they all have those kind of weird, super sweet stories. I assume it's compensation for chewing out an underling the day before. Speaking of not wanting any credit, and this is a tangent. But I was thinking about this as I was driving. You know when you're behind a car that's like an infinity courtesy service loaner? Right. I was thinking, how much of a courtesy is it? Right. if they have to tell the whole world. that they're handing this car out. Yeah, I'm driving a loaner. Yeah, it takes a little bit of the service away. I feel the same way when I would watch Dr. Drew's rehab show and he'd cart everyone around in those big extended buses. It's a Pasadena rehab center, like on the side of it. Big letters, like, wow. It's going to be a little embarrassing if you're just driving through old town Pasadena. World's worst clown car. Yeah, just looking at it like, you know, you ever see the prison van or something? You're like, what did that guy do? Right, was it really necessary? It's sort of like when you ask for the restroom key, we've talked about this before, and it's on, like, a gigantic toothbrush or something at the dentist's office, which I didn't ask. I can see a plain white Ford van going down the road with eight people in it and go, what the fuck? Where are they off to? I don't get it. What's that van about? I need some answers on that van, people. Where did it come from? Where's it going to? Who are the people? Yeah, don't advertise. Or, you know, write Bob's Flowers on the side, like your FBI, you know what I mean? Or, like, big penis convention. That's right. Actually, that could be bad, too. Whenever they send you things you don't want people to know you bought in the mail, they name it something else. Either way, yeah, that's right. So porn comes in a brown bag. Although now everything that shows up in a brown bag is only porn, so it's kind of what you call a tell. Because when you get People magazine, it doesn't show up in a brown bag. No, it doesn't. Yeah, porn is really, it shot itself in the pee-pee at that. That's what, it just comes in, what, just a. Well, they always do the, they discreetly packaged in the, you know, package that says, this is not porn. That's right. But again, when you order decorative soaps, they don't come in a plain brown bag. They come in a floral, you know, there's a bunch of graphics of flowers and soap on the thing, which is what the porn industry should do, although your wife would mistakenly open it. They'd start crying. So, I don't know, so Johnny Carson, you would hear stories. Well, you hear, the first one you'd go, you'd hear a lot of this, like, he's a very private man. And the very private is always like, all right, private means two things, asshole, alcoholic, and or doing a bunch of shit I don't want you to know about, usually. And then there's a kind of thing where you, like, whenever you'd talk, you'd hear Ed McMahon interviewed, like, he'd do a lot of, oh, well, you know, Johnny was, you know, Johnny was Johnny, and were you guys close? Oh, well, we worked together for 171 years. We spoke off the air occasionally. Did you? Did you ever go to his house? I went to his house one time. It's like, did you guys ever hang out or spend any time there? Johnny was Johnny. Johnny was private. Intensely private. You can't be intensely private now. I don't think you can be a celebrity and be intensely private. You can't, but it was, you know, I worked, well, speaking of late night, I worked with Jimmy Kimmel, and if you'd say to me, did you guys hang out after work? Like, all the time. I mean, all the time. And what did we do after we taped them? Man show? We went to the billiards place with all the interns and got drunk and shot pool and ate pizza. That's what Jimmy does. Jimmy puts on the Feast of San Gennaro. That's what, Jimmy likes that. He's that way. But there's no stories of that with Johnny Carson. Can I relate the Carson thing back to the guests for a second? Because I'm so glad you guys are doing a documentary about Chicago and not a fucking miniseries, because Carson is a really interesting guy and a really interesting career. Why are you doing a fucking miniseries about Johnny? It's going to be terrible. It's going to be melodramatic. Yeah. And Chicago is so interesting, the ups and downs of their career are like Shakespearean, that if it was a movie, it would be ridiculous. It would be melodramatic. It wouldn't be silly. But as a documentary, it's going to be really, really interesting. Now, having lived it, I wonder myself, how interesting could this be? Well, it just touches on a ten or twelve biggest thing. I watched a documentary last night. It was very interesting. And I can say this. I would much, much rather see a real behind-the-scenes peek at Johnny Carson in his life than to see Greg Kinnear play Johnny Carson in a three-part series. It's going to be bad. On the other hand, the only thing I can say to that is three words. Elvis and me? No, maybe three and a half words. I'm not sure if one of them is one word. Behind the candelabra. That's three. Is that three candelabras? I took the three and a half. You thought candelabra might be two words? You never know. I just got the word candle. I don't know what opera means, but candle seems like its own word. You're right. It's an easy mistake. Is candlestick one word? Yes. Yes. See? Right. Oh, fuck. I mean, yeah. You tell them, boss. No. Yeah. More operas on the piano. That's right. All right. Now, I would have liked to see a good Liberace. But that's HBO. Yeah, that's Steven Soderbergh. That was a real movie. This is not going to happen on network. I just feel like so many of these miniseries are so, like, fragmented and bullet-pointed. Like, it's just like, this happened and this happened. It's not really, there's no depth to it. Yeah. And, I mean, my perspective on their career is that up until now, there really hasn't been anything on them that hasn't been the bullet point. Like, in 1975, this happened and that happened. Like, they haven't really talked in depth about it. Well, also, Chicago, for me, has just always been a band that's just always been there. Mm-hmm. They didn't have a plane crash, and they didn't have, you know, a guy OD when he was 27, and they didn't have. He was 28. He was 28. Sorry. But he wasn't 27. But he actually accidentally shot himself, so. Oh, Terry Katz. That was pretty quick. Right. But there wasn't these, they're almost ubiquitous or something. And I think in order, sometimes, to do the, you know, these tales always have a sort of beginning, middle, and end. And. Chicago's just one long middle, and I mean that in a good way. This has been a long tour. Yeah. And actually, with the new music that we're coming out with, this is like the continuation of the legacy. Right. So it's a pretty neat position to be in. Again, the history of Chicago, and it'll be out when we're damn good and ready. All right. One more. Where were we? Yeah, Carson. Yeah. So, Ass White, probably. Probably. Letterman-esque, right? When the dust settles on Letterman. Personality? What does he mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't think he had a lot of close. Yeah, there'll be a lot of. The stories that I've heard. I don't know. Stories about how great he was, and a lot of stories about what a douche he was. And when he retired, he retired. There were no comebacks. There was no, oh, Carson popped up, but this. He was done. That was. That's unheard of these days. No one's ever retired for good. He was an intensely private man who spoke to 20 million people every night for an hour and a half. Isn't Letterman kind of the same? That's what I've been hearing. What I'm wondering is that he just goes away and doesn't. Yeah. I think they're both kind of. I don't think you'd want to have a beer with either one of them. Or you'd want to have a ton of beer. Just fucking forget about everything. All right, let's bring it home, little girl. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunts. That was the news with Alison Rosen. And you said. Ah, she said, go to meetings. Go to meeting. Go to meeting. That's what you should do. You should get the whole band back together using GoToMeeting. How many guys have been in Chicago over the years? Four originals from 1967, February. And then after Terry passed away, we replaced him with a young guitar player that didn't work out. So that was like not even quite a footnote in the band. And then we got Bill Champlin. And he was around for like 27 years or so. Do you guys worry or do you ever even contemplate the fact that at this point in time, I can go to Laughlin, Nevada and see the Coasters live on stage and it'll be a bunch of 31-year-old black guys up there singing Charlie Brown and they'll say the Coasters or there's bands that do that all the time. The difference is we are still four out of six of the original members. Right. So it is the band. We do remember what it is that we did, what we sounded like. Do you think 25 years from now, there are going to be 31-year-old guys going, it's Chicago, opening for the Coasters. We'll see you in 31 years. All right, I'll be there. I'll let you know. Go to meeting. You guys get the band. Well, you don't have to get the band back together. But let's just say someone's in Chicago. Reunion time. Reunion time. Someone's actually in the Windy City over there. I want to tell you guys real quick, I'm working on this show for Spike called Catch a Contractor. And they're looking for. People who have been screwed over by contractors. And that's probably everyone who's ever dealt with a contractor. So for Brian, who had an insanely lovely experience with his contractor. I know. I'm the only one. I've heard so many friends of mine and people I know just got screwed and the contractor up and left. That is like going to Tijuana and not being asked to buy chiclets by a five-year-old. That's how rare that is. Nice. Yes. But if you have had your. If you have had yourself a bad experience with a crappy contractor and you need some help, we might be able to help you because we're doing a little show called Catch a Contractor. We're going to bring this guy to justice. Go to adamcroll.com, click on the link and apply or you can visit catchacontractor.com if you're in the LA area and be near my house, would you? It makes it a lot easier for me. Don't be way on the other end of bumfuck Egypt. You know, call time, 6.30 a.m. I don't know. I don't need that bullshit. You go to the website. and tell them your story and maybe we'll fix your crap for free. How about that? All right. Oh, our good friend Artie Lang's got a book, Crash and Burn. You can pre-order it now on Amazon. You click through adamkroll.com. He's coming up on the show. Is it next week? Or just coming up soon to promote. So we got that as well. And the Dr. Drew podcast every Monday. You can use our app. You can go to Dr. Drew. Yes. And where the hell? Oh, I'm on. I'm on the next episode. So look forward to that. I get psychoanalyzed. Us at the Bray Improv coming up. Oh, I'm doing a thing in Minneapolis. Yeah, it's Surdix. When did that happen? It's been up there five or six days now at least. Oh, I missed it every time? No, you've said it a couple times. I've said the word Surdix? I believe so. Uh-oh. Allison? I don't remember. Yes, I know. It's in Surdix. Come out tonight, folks. Oh, before the two shows? 6 p.m. I'll say it again. Don't worry about it. Oh, okay. All right. And Benny's in South Loop. Way to sell it. You know where South Loop is. Waukegan. Yeah. We just got this info from August today. Oh, no. Yeah. Don't go back. I did. All right. I just got it. All right. All right. All right. All right. Website. Chicago, the band.com. Twitter, Chicago, the band. You want to find out where they're touring, where they're going, where they're going to be. Chicago, the band is where you go. Lee, Peter, thank you so much for coming in. Thank you, Adam. I want to thank David Wild and DJ for coming in as well. And until next time, this is Adam for everyone saying mahalo. I just fucking booted in her couch. Hello and welcome to Pluto. If you know the name of the movie you would like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Mean Girls. Shut up. Titanic. And so much more. They're free 24-7. That is so fetch. On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. All right. That was Adam Krolosher, 1173. That does it for today's Krola Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all-new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on. See you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit PodcastOnePro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro, the power behind the podcast. Hello and welcome to Pluto Phone. Catch Anchor. Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Mean Girls. Shut up. Titanic. And so much more. They're free 24-7. That is so fetch. On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.